The 'Friendship Recession' Is Killing Us.
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- Опубліковано 29 бер 2024
- To learn more than ever from important non-fiction books, join me on Shortform:
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Some thoughts about loneliness lol
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Selected sources (These are the main ones I used, if there’s anything else you’re curious about then just drop me a DM):
American Survey Center research on loneliness:
www.americansurveycenter.org/...
www.americansurveycenter.org/...
Loneliness Epidemic:
US Surgeon General’s Report - www.hhs.gov/sites/default/fil...
Big Think has a great series on loneliness + it’s history too : • How loneliness is kill...
Arendt section:
Article about Arendt + loneliness: fs.blog/hannah-arendt-totalit...
Another one: aeon.co/essays/for-hannah-are...
Vox did one too: www.vox.com/vox-conversations...
Time magazine on loneliness + extremism: time.com/6223229/loneliness-v...
![How We Became the Loneliest Generation [Documentary]](/img/n.gif)
To learn more than ever from important non-fiction books, join me on Shortform:
shortform.com/Fads. You’ll get a 5-day free trial and a discounted annual
subscription.
One of my favorite books on Shortform is Walden, by Henry David Thoreau.
the problem is secularism. that and the destruction of the family unit, the divorce and abortion, promiscuity and in-celibacy. the internet doesn't help. humans weren't meant to have an amalgamation of their thoughts collected together almost in a hivemind.
Far better to be alone than in bad company. Loneliest I ever felt were the days I was trapped surrounded by shitty people, not by myself
Amen! ^^
Very true
I don't disagree, but you're only hurting yourselves if you use that as an excuse to stop looking for good people and being open-minded about it. Again, up to you, but not doing it at all WILL come back to bite you at some point.
Bullshit.
I survived. I got stronger. I became more. Fuck your bullshit. Being isolated was worse than actual pain.
Strive for finding your group, your crowd, your people, but don't take their worth as less than you.
@@WvethGood advice for some, but let's not be judge the guy hastily. If he's in a very toxic environment, then I can't blame him. However, if that's the case, then I think it's a good idea to have a change of environment. Again, easier said than done for some.
I’m a loner by nature, but in a way that makes loneliness scarier because you don’t notice it until it is very bad.
Are you an otaku too?
That part
Ah yeah, that’s the cruel trick. You would crave time alone because it’s the most versatile time you have, until you get to a point where that’s almost all you have and it’s suffocating.
Indeed🎉
God damn, people really work harder to find themselves some crazy problems instead of actually getting better
As someone who has faced an absurd amount of loneliness in their life, don't patronize people
What I mean to say is don't pretend to be someone's friend out of sympathy, because they're going to figure this out eventually and it's going to cause them to withdraw even more
So true!!
I mean some of the comments here blaming women for their loneliness honesty probably will never make friends, but others realizing it's a complex issue might actually have a chance of making friends in the future.
This is why I stopped trusting femme women (as a woman myself) - it’s the whole “woman = nurturing” thing that society drills into young girls that makes them pity-befriend me when, in reality, they’re not really all that enthusiastic about me deep-down. I’ve been burnt too many times to the point where I just get creeped out by the “unearned” niceness.
I’d like to meet more masc women who don’t subscribe to that sort of thinking but finding such women is the real issue 😅
@Suwako__Moriya I like to think of myself as a masculine woman, not too masculine but more masculine than most women, although my masculinity is likely a byproduct of me being autistic and not understanding why gender norms exist and trying to subvert them. 😅😅😅
@@Suwako__Moriyahonestly same here 😭 I'm autistic and I always remember that as a kid some of the popular girls in both elementary and middle school always babied and pitied me. I mean ik they probably just wanted to make me feel less left out but it ended up secluding me more.
There's nowhere to find a face to face community. Hobby stores, clubs, interest groups, even bars and pubs, most can't afford to stay open beccause the economy is terrible, people have less social skills and more niche interests, and the internet cannot be beaten. Add in the British weather and there's literally nothing. I would love to go out and meet people and make friends - but there's nowhere to go, I have no money, it's wet, I'm tired, and the Internet is right there pretending to offer me a false psuedo-community.
Hamburg, Germany, it is summer, you notcies this, because the rain gets warmer.
So if people don't wanna interact with u then why are u complaining? Don't u want to try being fine with urself
@@kingearth3672 Pardon?
@@someonesomeone25 by saying people would rather be on the internet and more niche interests and stuff, what's the point of ur cmmt? Are u expressing sadness that people don't want to interact with u? And saying things like it's "wet and tired," what's ur point about that? Are u complaining? If u really wanted friends u would go out regardless; a point of reflection.
@@kingearth3672 You may need to re-read my post.
I just find it interesting that in a time where we’re more connected than ever before, loneliness has just worsened.
It is a false connection. We are not connected.
The Internet only prioritizes the most shallow and basic of interactions. Simple pleasantries without visible smiles, rants that sound less like conversations and more like poorly written exposition dumps.
In dating this is most evident; it is incredibly superficial and oversimplified, only focusing on primal reactions and what you “like” in the moment rather than making you think about how you’ll feel about this person a week, month, or year after you swipe.
@@nancybartley4610 connected in the sense that we can easily interact with anyone even if they’re across the world
How do they say, wide as the ocean and deep as a pond?
@@thecluckster3908yeah and I'm very surprised I couldn't find anything in common with anyone anywhere in the fc world, and here we are
Been alone for so long that i done forgot how to talk to people
Literally.
Its like riding a bike ur gonna be a bit wobbly at first but you can pick it up again in no time
Hi, watch out for that dry puddle!
Maybe thats less true then you think, its anxiety that you might socially mess up, but if you go back out there you might find your ability to comminicate less bad then you think now.
Add in a feeling of mentally flailing and going 'AAHHH' sounds about right.
Spending less time in front of the screen and practicing gratitude won't really help with loneliness if you have no where to go. And I can't think of anyone I can "do something" for where I am. I barely have any free time outside of work to do anything at all.
I used to have a job where I worked ten and a half hour days. I worked there for four years. By now, I've been out of that job for six months and still feel like I'm so backed up from the four years that I didn't do anything I liked that I'm still not really sure how to catch back up.
yep. I work a regular 8:30 AM to 5 PM schedule, but in reality its 6:00 AM - 6:30 PM due to traffic. Wtf am i going to do after having the life drained out of me 12 hours a day 5 days a week? All I do on the weekend is try to recover and get all my cleaning and cooking for the week done.
I think this is why tabletop got popular. You can go to someones house for 2-6 hours and interact… but its still a challenge finding people to play with because the ways we meet people have been systematically removed.
Just do something cool. Have some goal you would like to achieve. Don't rely on people to have meaning in life.
Having online friends is great and all but now that I'm getting older, I kinda wish I had some friends to hang out with outside😭
and the worst part is that online friends usually don't last more than a couple of years
@@iiCounted-op5jxain’t that the truth, I remember joining the amino app in 2020 when the whole situation was going on and I had a pretty big group of online friends and it was fun, but there was a lot of drama and fights and it didn’t last..sadly
@@touyatodoroki338 sometimes it isn't even because of drama and fights, most people just disappear, become inactive, or stop talking after a few years
@@iiCounted-op5jx that also happened as well, I had a few who just went offline and never came back, I still wonder what happened to this day
Facts . I only talk to two of my online friends now and it’s not everyday. I was randomly thinking about my friend in India last night light too because we lost contact a few years ago - but she was such a doll and nicer than most of my irl friends
It sucks because people gravitate to what’s familiar with their “niche” so if someone doesn’t look like what’s familiar to you you won’t talk to them, won’t interact and that person could be just as into something as you are, but if they don’t match watch you vibe with aesthetically you’ll pass that person up off first glance.
The modern age is built by selfish people. The richest bastards in the world would rather steal food from the mouths of starving children for a snack rather than spend any amount of money to feed someone else. The loneliness epidemic is a result of everyone desperately having to survive in an environment that rewards selfishness and ruthless ambition. Try to help someone else these days and watch how quickly you fall behind and end up needing help yourself, its impossible to not fall into.
well said
In developed countries food is free when you run out of money.
It is against American culture to hang out in public post-pandemic it seems. Besides restaurants & bars, America was not built with many 3rd party public spaces for people to hangout. Americans just work, a lot, and then some more. American culture is what needs to change and we can only hope that Gen Z will influence changes for the better.
Millennials tried to change it and failed. Maybe Gen Z will have better luck due to the fact the boomers are older now.
Gen Z is the loneliness & addictive generation sadly
@@Yuri-nc9vlreally? Gen z is *THE* loneliness, and addictive generation? No, my friend, they’re the result of poor parenting, which befalls on the previous generations. The phrases “Be a man.” “You’re just a girl.” “Nobody cares.” Are phrases heard over a millennia, and it’s wrong. All it does is invalidate people, and all the problems you see of younger generations, are a result of the world as it is: BAD. It’s money driven, divisive, like everybody is in competition with everybody else to be *THE BEST* but nobody is * THE BEST* ,we’re all hypocrites, we’re all liars, we’re all not the best versions of ourselves. Many-a-time I’ve seen older generations blame the younger generations for always being on their phone, but let us not forget they were *BORN* into it. The fact Gen-z is expressing their loneliness is the uncomfortable truth we *NEED* to face. One day you’ll understand, it’s a change that must happen.
@@Yuri-nc9vlthat sounds like a lack of accountability for all the loneliness and addictions the previous generations suffered. Let me ask you this, where did all faults originate from? The bad parenting of the older generation. There were always addicts, cheaters, narcissists, even before Gen-z. Just admit we all suck at being good people, and things got worse as a result. Now it’s finally time to bring change to that fact, and not just say “it is what it is.”
@@treheron I know it, but how we are supposed to change it?
Among the millions of words of advice and "hacks" to beat loneliness I've seen over time, I never heard of being of service, but it makes so much sense. Spending time with other people without a reason is kinda hard, it usually happens with friends or family, people don't just hang out together to get to know each other, they do something, lunch, coffee, a museum or go see a movie. Yet when you help someone with anything, you're gonna spend time with them. If you do this often enough you'll get to know each other, and if you vibe together you'll basically be friends with them already. I think it's wonderful that being of service is such a great way to connect with people, it just feels right.
Yep
Nobody has the time or money to help other people.
@@theking8347speak for yourself lol
@@theking8347speak for yourself
@@theking8347you could do small things, like buying a small group of people coffee or donuts in the morning or making cookies for holidays or something
Maybe even just holding doors open, idunno
Isolate and exploit is the name of the game here. When you are alone, you are vulnerable. The elitists, corporations and the government have the people exactly where they want them. Their is no crisis.
This true, self-interest and isolation are what oppression needs to survive. If the oppressed band together, oppressive systems usually fall apart.
Capitalism wins
I'm too busy working 2 jobs to serve my Land Lord
Cost of living problem is upstream of nearly all other problems normal people have these days
But my Land Lord wants a Range Rover, so back to work I must get lol
real
I can't wait for the day we hit a breaking point and we hit a reset through force
@@RyuKyu.77won’t happen, all the immigrants and the older generations are too complacent.
I hear nothing but horror storys around landlords. My former landlord. Bless their soul. Drove a cheap 2000's Buick until they passed away and had a cheap rwd truck for dump runs. Both of which they let me borrow as needed. ( Mostly the truck though since it sat idle allot )
Rent was high, sure. I couldn't really afford the 700 a month I was being charged. Couldn't save much. But they did grab extra food for me every so often and never asked to pay them back. Things got fixed... Eventually. They were always worried about their taxes going up. Honestly after looking up the numbers my rent money was only really paying for the insurance and taxes on the place.
When I moved out he built a wheelchair ramp and had it setup for someone on disability payments. It was still available for rent when he passed away. Never found out why, but given his age and health I think it was medical complications.
Great guy, little weird. Unfortunately their son sold the property. No idea who owns it now. But I'd wager that accessible unit is probably renting for allot more than $700 a month.
You actually don’t have to live like that though especially if you’re single just go on adventures
What a weird little world.
I love the average person, there’s nothing I’d love more than to connect with people easily. My whole life has been defined by this dream.
I look out at crowds of you guys all the time and wish I could go up and learn all about you, and experience life together.
But social anxiety is a bitch, not to mention other forms of anxiety and perfectionism and depression.
But even if I am just watching y’all from afar for the rest of my life, I am genuinely grateful to have gone through this human experience beside you guys. I could ask for no greater gift.
Thank you, I really do love you even if that seems weird or whatever because I don’t really “know you”, whatever that means. Stay strong dudes
I can relate to this because I feel like a distant observer. Feels like being an alien of sorts. Always watching people getting along, talking, living life. It’s all so interesting to watch but it hurts at the same time, knowing I’m too scared to even look another person in the eye. I’m also extraordinarily self-conscious about my appearance, so I don’t dare risk insulting someone by even acknowledging them. So, this leaves me watching the lives of others from afar. Maybe it’s pathetic of me, and maybe I have the ability to change this, but mentally it isn’t so easy to accomplish.
Third spaces are hard to have in a "broken window" enviroment. I live in an area that has recently undergone a wave of knife-crime and my ever-present anxiety about being in this local community has been dailed up.
We have a nature reserve nearby that might be considered a thrid space, there's a tribe of goats on it. I've met with many strangers there and shared a conversation so I suppose it does serve that community building aspect but really its best value is the opportunity to connect with nature. At any rate, in warmer months we've had issues with teens trying to do things like ride the goats and in one instance there was a group of teens who somehow had come into possesion of two of the goats - physically carrying them around.
There's a group of volunteers who help watch them and I suppose goats going missing does bring us together as a community but it's not what we'd wish for, we'd much rather be focused on checking their general wellbeing.
It's tricky.
just dont go there at night
@@sp123 it's actually quite a nice place at night. It's very rare that people walk that way after sunset. I went out there last Autumn to celebrate the equinox, before sunrise, it was a lovely environment.
A lot of the local anti-social behaviour (and unfortunately violence) comes from children so it can feel almost safer at night, when there's less groups of them around.
I would say you should check if your community has communal events, and where they get posted. If they exist tell others about them to get the word out. This will be a planned environment, possibly catered, some are kid friendly, and all this means likely there will be an officer or 2 really close by. Often the best way to defeat a criminal is to break the moment of opportunity, this is reinforced by the crowd.
If your community doesn't have anything or hardly anything. Look into what it will take to get it more active or up and going at all. It could be a really easy career change with a pay boost as you'll be in charge of being a part of the establishment of a community activity committee. Activities can range from cleaning up litter in an area to a basic movie projector night at a smaller park or a community square. But the goal is to share a purpose and perspective with and among others to build the lost sense of community.
@@betawolfhdhe said it, he's too busy avoiding getting shanked from Silent Hill children to enjoy a good time Do you even read?
@@lognomodeimeme I can read quite well. Your comprehension skills are severely lacking. I explained in my reply how building community through communal events are safer and will help heal from the walls that idiots like you build inside our gardens.
finally getting done with high school in a few months, no more sitting in the corner, straight-faced, speaking to no one, lets gooooooooo (he has no idea)
Then on to a life time of grueling underpaid labor where the shittiest and most toxic people have power over most of your waking life! Yay the dark ages never ended and capitalism is antithetical to human autonomy and interests!
In college it gets worse, trust me
Yes!You can break the circle!Dont feel bad if you dont achieve it right on the first two years. Trust the process, go out more and find your people through clubs etc
Going from a life of loneliness in a chair to a life of loneliness in a bed. Not a bad tradeoff IMO.
@@wherethequietbeingsgo dude thinks i’m good enough to go to college 😭🙏 inshallah
It's hard on us extroverts, too. In some ways even more so, because we get our energy from being around others. A lot of folks just don't seem interested in friendship or genuine connection anymore.
Get a pet for your daily dose of oxytocin
@@VAVORiAL Already got one. She's lovely, but not quite the same as people.
I have friends but we’re drifting apart due to not being in the same area. The thing about making friends in school is that you have to start all over once you’ve established your post grad life in different states. Being away from my friends like this is killing me. No amount of phone calls can replace a hug or an in person smile.
It looks like the benefit of me being chronically lonely is that my lonely life is being shortened. See, there is always an upside!
Hooray! Thank god 🙏
I think about this every day tbh
this problem hit Florida US very very hard particularly. The enormous influx of 40-60 year olds in the past 3 years to large towns set expectations for local business that they have 20+ years experience in employees at their finger tips
what that means for the young people: 90% of my graduating local school class had to leave the area, or the state entirely.
There are simply no young people left in this community... so add that on top of ALL other issues right now - at least those places have the young people to try to socialize. We do not
I feel this. On the rare occasions I do go outside, to the park or something. No one there is around my age. It's always full of old people and the occasional 30s couple with kids.
@blepware Make friends with them. It's always fun to have friends your age to get the memes and whatnot, but having friends outside your age or generation can garner you insight and stories, advice and unique opportunities. It's unfortunate that we in the west disparage intergenerational relationships (I don't mean dating) so much because it has been something that has helped me immensely in my incredibly isolated life (born in 90s).
@@maggie6152 at this rate, most of my friends are age 65+ from Church. I am chilling with my elderly homies
but having friends your own age is a different thing and important in its own right
It is worse when you are like me where loneliness and social isolation has occurred almost your whole life. When family and people around you interact with each other much more genuinely with each other rather than when they are around you, it is crushing to have been aware of it and experienced it for 15 years since i was 8. To not know what it is like to have people around you who want to interact and you likewise is just depressing to say the least.
I've started studying math in Germany a few years ago and I have been so incredibly lonely that it has messed with my (already pretty poor) mental health to the point where I can say without exaggerating that this has been (and hopefully will forever be) the worst time in my life.
I've had to change schools several times in my life and was always quite introverted but even though it was hard, I always found people to at least connect with during regular school life even if it wasn't an incredibly deep friendship. When my university life started I made an effort to really try to find social connections, almost every week I would ask random people questions I was struggling with or if they want to work on problems together but for all of the years I have been studying now, every interaction I have had has always been very distanced and impersonal. I feel like everyone already has their social groups and they don't really want to interact with me, they give me short answers or some have even ghosted me entirely and because you're never with a consistent group of people like in school I have not been able to form a single connection with anybody.
I've also been looking through the clubs at my university but literally 99% of them involve some kind of political activism or stuff I'm just really not into (like hosting the campus radio.) I have been to a few of the clubs that sounded kind of promising but I just didn't feel comfortable there. I can deal with two maybe even three people but in a room with ten people who already know each other it's almost completely impossible for me to insert myself into the conversation.
My only other hobby is going to the local climbing gym but I'm just not the type of person that is going to start conversations with complete strangers there, especially since most of them come with their existing friend groups and probably want to spend their time with them in peace.
I would love to see what a "normal" day for a student at my university looks like and what I am doing differently.. I just refuse to believe that what I'm going through is the intended study experience because every single day is just so exhausting for me that it's hard to even find things I enjoy doing by myself.
Sorry for the venting but this video and your channel in general just speaks to me in a very special way. Thank you for what you're doing and I wish you the best.
If you can't find a club, try making one? Maybe a life improvement club- it'll attract other people who also want to approve, which should hopefully create a positive atmosphere and safety net. Gym/body improvement is a good way to meet those kinds of people, because they have enough dedication to attempt improvement regularly, which means that they are willing to put in the effort, and that tends to rub of and create positive spin cycles.(The culture around it can result in body image issues and eating disorders though, so be cautious of that aspect)
Which city? I live in Cologne.
I am struggling with the same thing and im a native lol! but hang in there, you are already putting yourself out there, which is 95 % of the work, really. you just havent found your tribe yet. I consider I have found some... but we live far away and do not meet up often. and it is really hard as an adult to make friends, people either do not have time cause of their own families, work, schedules and if they have, prepare for a lot of postponing or things coming in between. inserting yourself in new fields CAN work, but is gonna take an even longer build up. I feel people do not want to spend that time and effort anymore today. I tried starting up new board game groups, talking to some "friends" or rather acquaintances I made during some workshops, but they never start contact themselves, there is no reciprocation, so I guess the interest is pretty one-sided. If people do not reciprocate and I tried 2,3, times, I will shut that down too, cause the older I get, the more I also value my time and effort and am not about to deal with on-the-fence wishy-washy people any more.
@@Luemm3l I can relate especially to the latter part of your comment. I'm usually the one contacting others, but I feel that everybody somehow finds a family or tribe of sorts and drifts away from me. I'm now virtually completely alone, save for a single friend who lives half-way across the country (and even with him, I'm usually the one contacting him first because he has way more friends, and family).
@@Luemm3lIt was very extreme for me. I was the one organizing parties and meetups for years. And when Covid and the lockdowns came, people just moved on😅 I felt used and betrayed. It felt like I wasn't getting the effort back from them that I put into it. Maybe I should've kinda asked them first if they really want duch a high-effort connection, but then again, why did they FOR YEARS accept every party invitation and never considered giving back that favour? Must everything be spelled out for people to have some decency?😅 I am done for life with such people. Now we're exclusively meeting in third spaces - no more at my home, at my expense.
Animals have never betrayed me. On the other hand, people have left me more broken and hurt than when I was alone.
Do you consider yourself a good judge of character?
My last straw was when my ex friend confronted me about an issue in front of 15 people instead of coming to me 1 on 1. She claimed that that I 'hold a grudge' but she couldn't text me or call about the issue? She made it everyone's issue by giving them insight on the situation.
I hope she gets her karma because I utterly felt humiliated because it seemed like she was trying to paint me in a negative light in front of these people. I don't talk or even look at her anymore, she's practically dead to me. But at least I didn't cry when our friendship ended, I just didn't end up caring.
This just happened to me too... except the rest of my friends cut me off for her. She accosted me in front of ~50 people for something she held onto for a year. Even worse, it was something I didn't even remember happening which she accused me of grudging against HER for.
Good riddance honestly, since they did the hard part for me early. She's truly proof that beauty may be skin deep, but the desire to hurt others for inside woes comes from the heart.
One way to help combat loneliness is showing up to your town halls, neighborhood meetings, and city council meetings. Start advocating for re-designing suburbs and improving urban cores to prioritize people; especially children, elders, and people with disabilities. The sooner we can change our built environment and give people freedom of choice on how they move and live, the sooner everyone in our communities will be lifted up and organic connections will be made daily.
that's some bad advice for younger people, unless there's already other young people there who aren't the "weirdos" of the town.
Tf is a neighbourhood meeting? Is that an american only thing?
@@NoctLightCloud How young? I'd say this is smart to start doing in your teens so you can learn how your world works and how to make a difference in it. Which is a major counter to the endless nihilistic hopelessness of the internet. I sure wish I could have done it.
Booooooring
@@maggie6152 you don't get it
I think part of the problem is a mixture of people assuming others have ill intent combined with the rising amount of people who do have ill intent. It seems no matter what you say/do, someone will think you're wrong/doing something bad. Perhaps this just a symptom of how communication has broadened with the internet. There also lots of people who don't have your best interests in mind, be it people talking behind your back, those who dismiss your concerns without even trying to understand your point (in an attempt to silence you from the conversation), scammers, manipulators, gold diggers, etc.
It's true that not all people have bad intentions in mind for you. In fact, they may accidentally hurt you or you may misinterpret their behavior. I'd like to believe people generally have good intentions in mind for their friends and fellow human. However, that isn't true for everyone.
As a result, people are on edge. It's hard to build trust when someone when you think they may be plotting to harm you (reputation, financial, physically, psychologically). It's even harder when you can see the widespread examples of these bad things happening every day online, at your school, or even in your family.
This issue goes far beyond what I've highlighted. It's not necessarily something that's sprung up in the last few years due to the internet, social media, tribalistic politics, etc. However, it seems the issue has been brought more into the spotlight, perhaps making the problem worse.
Hit the nail on the head.
I only feel alone when I'm surrounded by people
I had been the most popular person in the room and I hated it, all eyes on me, everyone waiting for me to speak, I much rather be at home
Amazing work.
I have been reading about the interpersonal theory of suicide (the most popular one these days), and there is a good deal of overlap with your findings.
The theory states that there are two factors leading to desire for suicide: thwarted belongingness and perceived burdensomeness. The fact of feeling lonely and the related circumstances seem to be a big component to the both factors.
My point is, in extreme case loneliness can be lethal. This is why we must pay attention to it.
I don't feel good Jackie. I have quit drugs and smoking and i have got over lust, but i feel like im never going to make anything of myself. I don't have anything that gives me joy anymore. i keep seeing this video pop up on my feed that says all your wasted years will be restored, but im having trouble believing that. unless i live my dreams real soon, i don't think that anything is going to happen for me. I have tried so many things and so many have been a waste of time. i keep thinking that the last little bit of knowledge is going to fall into place and i will be successful at the things i tried in the past but i don't rely believe these goals will come to fruition before i die. i need to get in contact with someone who knows what i am missing, but nobody i know fits that profile. And im isolated. I just want something to work out for a change.
"Your reality is already half video hallucination. If you're not careful, it will become total hallucination." - Videodrome
As someone that exclusively lived in cities for most of my adult life, moving out of them to the suburbs was actually a very nice change. Our neighborhood is very friendly and it’s really nice, actually
The problem with suburbs is that they are dead at night; everyone is locked away in their homes, there is no continued sense of community after hours, no night life. Of the few times that you do see your neighbors, they are almost always too busy to talk, rushing ahead to get started on their 45m-1hr drive to work.
Suburbs are an invention of the Cold War and its hysterical fear of annihilation. The Strategic Defense Highway and Interstate system was invented to spread people out, for it is much harder to kill everyone in a single nuclear strike if they are spread out over hundreds of miles.
It’s been miserable for me besides being a lot more affluent and safer. It could just be community to community though.
I live in Phoenix, a city of millions, and can totally relate. It's so ironic how you can be surrounded by so many people but still feel lonely. Americans are some of the most antisocial people in the World in the sense that they don't want to take the relationship to anything other than hello and goodbye. Here in Phoenix you'll be lucky to get someone to talk to you for more than a minute. Most people are too busy and apathetic or don't want to associate with anyone other than their own group of friends or relatives. Surface friendliness is a thing here and across the entire country. Not sure how it is in the rest of the World but if you move to the US I would recommend to come with someone.
Same here in netherlands in schools at least
@@beamerboy420 GEKOLONISEERD
Humanity had to rely on one another to survive, in modern times we don't need to be liked or valued to survive; as humans tend towards the path of least resistance, it's no surprise that unless forced to socialize, most people will not bother.
Not having friends still stresses people out and shortens their lives.
@@theking8347 More than the stress of social ostracization? Loneliness is the price of conformity.
Loneliness has followed me my whole life. Everywhere. In bars, in cars, sidewalks, stores, everywhere. There's no escape. I'm God's lonely man
Im a Gen Z and I've been lonely my whole life. I never really got opportunity to be social and at this point, I don't even feel like I can control myself in terms of socializing at this point. Whenever I feel like I have an opportunity to socialize, my lips begin to feel like they are bring glued tight with super gorilla glue. At least I have family.
When the chance comes to socialize, my brain literally wipes itself clean of every possible avenue of communication and leaves me looking quite stupid, unable to speak or continue a conversation like a sane person. This sucks.
@@XxcAndyAcidzX same here bro
Honestly, sure it can fee lonely, But when i look at people from my generation and the way they act, i count my blessings and move along. I dont need many goofy friends just a few good ones.
When you get so used to prepping for betrayal that you now are completely closed off with no friends
You can be akward around people you meet, you can be honest with what's going on inside yourself, and you can share your fears and emotions, taking time and expressing it your own way. Then, I think, maybe you will have "real" interaction (I mean maybe that you feel) and it will be easier to connect with people that fits you.
Sometime, when I try to hard to be someone else, in order to please others, I don't find and I'm afraid of people that I would have really connect with.
What you said about the third place hit home with me. I have suffered from major depression off and on ever since the eighth grade. For me, God has been that third place that mitigates the symptoms and keeps me from degrading to a worse state. I have always felt that He is a friend that I can turn to no matter how lonely I feel.
In the last few years I started to attend daily Mass, and Church has become like a third home. Even without talking much with the people there, just participating in the same activity of loving God together helps me feel connected. It even makes me connect with the past present and future. I felt like I lost a friend during Covid when we were no longer allowed to attend Mass for a while - especially with the dooming feeling that this would last for quite some time.
I am still lonely, enslaved to the internet, disconnected, and depressed. Yet it is amazing how just doing one thing right can keep you going and give you a true purpose. I know that I would do even better if I fixed my addiction to the internet, but as many addicts know, we always say tomorrow. I am glad that I have a third place in the meantime which I know will be there whether I feel depressed or even if I fix my life.
my dad and mom are boomers and they have no friends. Why? Because they moved to another country in their 30s, and then again to another country a few years later. The new community doesn't care about you. You don't share the same values, the same memories as them. So I think that*globalization* and the potential *mobilization* (for lack of a better term) of people contributes to this. Be it physically or virtually (possibility to delete a friend immediately and move on to the next one (mobility), and possibility to become friends online "with people from all over the world" (globalization).) Everyone is permanently with one foot out the area/country and thus friendship. I've lived abroad (Japan & Korea) and so have a few of my close friends - and across the board for all of us, it's VERY difficult to maintain a friendship like that if you don't have regular physical meetings and joint activities. It's not even meant to be malicious - we just long-term have nothing to talk about like that. It doesn't help that here in Austria (and all Germanic countries, including Scandinavia), friendships usually form when young and remain throughout adulthood, and it's very difficult to become super close with an already established group of friends. They simply won't let you in, as they have no need to.
The last time I had a large group of friends they were all toxic. I would often get harassed and made fun of for no reason. I had "friends" but they were pretty much bullies... Sure makes it hard to trust people when 75% of them are not worth your breath.
empathy is also very important, great video btw
Car infrastructure needs to go first and foremost. I see roads get bigger and bigger each year and what benefits does it bring?
None really. It just invites people to go 60 in a 40.
We need better structured communities to fight loneliness and lack of exercise.
The codes need to change so we can start building proper infrastructure
The friendship recession is caused by increased atomization and hyper-industrialization
It’s crucial to point this out. This is one of the many byproducts of capitalism that involves the elite causing us problems because of their greed. How evil that is
hyper industrialization isn't possible without friendships.
"Don't be lonely. Meet with all the people who take your peace away from you and make you feel even more lonelier."
- Who
I'm sorry but quality over quantity. It's better to be surrounded by VERY few people you can actually relate to or be alone than drown in a sea of people you don't like.
I suppose i have been in the "monk mode" kind of feeling lately. When you end up holding the belief that people are inherently lonely after feeling like no one really exists for so long, its really easy to understand what people mean when they say "go solo for a while."
Its not that my friends are bad people, not at all. However, i find myself incapable of trying to open up to people (at least in person) about what i struggle with and any moment of enjoying stuff with other people is dashed the moment i leave. Like it never really happened... So its easy to imagine that isolating oneself doesn't necessarily feel worse. I've been spending my time working on things i enjoy and slowly recuperating myself, but after being comfortably alone for a while its a little difficult to want to talk to my friends again. I do wish that wasn't the case... That i felt more fulfillment speaking to others.
I guessed the telephone😅… But while you were explaining the significance of the tv the penny dropped for me. So informative as always.
It is crazy that human population is the highest than it ever was, yet loneliness is getting higher too. I guess it is to blame the way we live where individualism and being better than someone else is much more important than being together.
Yup people are lonely and unhappy. We are becoming neurotic, meaner, crazier as a society. No one wants to be just nice to anyone any longer.
Friends are always hating on you for something. Start making more money than them and they are no longer your friends.
*The weather too, most people don't want to be sweaty in direct sunlight anymore*
I agree, I been feeling lonely. It always helps just to be around with people doing something meaningful like cooking or helping. I also do daily gratitude to not feel lonely. It’s something that you have to accept and maybe expand more in understanding why one feels lonely.
Good to see a new publication Fads !
Tried to make friends and gave up on trying to find a boyfriend. But I can’t find either lol 😂 I have like 2/3 good friends and some family. Everyone I try to talk to that’s new will talk for two weeks, ghost you and then come back months later with a hey and no explanation unless you ask.
Same here but I’m a dude. We will find our people eventually, hopefully.
And when they do come back out of nowhere it’s only to ask you for money 💀
@@Moonshine449 idk man , ive tried for years
no lucvk man
Your videos never fail to give me new insights, and how you string together information to make points is so great. Thank you!
Every time I try to organize something with people they ghost me despite claiming to be lonely
very refreshing take on this with the mention of TV's
You sound and look so happy when talking about something so sad and so despairing. I hope I can become like you some day
you are genuinely my favourite video essay youtuber bro, you make amazing videos, and I'm a bit sad I don't get them in my feed that often. much love.
Honestly make friends on your own terms and conditions man, Friends are extensions of yourself that are unique and should be cared for and caring, If people are shaming you into making friends then it's not going to help you with you're loneliness.
Friends come naturally based on the person that you created yourself to be (don't try and bullshit yourself because they do)
For example even if you were trying to make friends, those "friends" might not even appreciate you as much as you feel they should just because of the type of person that you decided to make yourself, real friends are like minded individuals that grow off of you're character.
I know I'm going to sound like some guy who would run around poking voodoo dolls but honestly one thing that genuinely helped me deal with loneliness was just genuinely being happy that I get to live my life and continue onward (it quite literally makes me feel powerful) making an imagination that feels safe is something that kids do I know, but I find it kind of surprising that our adults in society have just forgotten about "imaginary friends" entirely for the simple fact that they were shamed into making friends with people that don't even care.
I was moved by this and wish more people talked about compassion in these topics and situations. Thank you for making this video!
Its a good message because it encourages playing a part where you do what you're able to rather than doing one of two extremes (being zen master of isolation vs. being the champion mom of gathering the village)
writing before watching, but from experience the loneliness epidemic is caused by social media and basically the entire internet. becoming so connected causes more division than anything. everyone lives online and shares everything they do or watch everything someone else does.
this puts you into a position where you don't want to show what your actually interested in and you conform to what other people think is cool to fit in. the whole anti-cyberbullying movement caused this too. tiktok basically normalized it with terms like yapping and "this is trash🔥"
Very articulate breakdown and very interesting!
you always bring so much fresh insight to every topic. Super insightful, thanks for making videos!
Yaayyy you back !!
This video came up in my recommendations at the right time. I have been aware of all of this for a while but ive been thinking a lot about how i can fit in anywhere. I just don’t work well in social settings, i have always relied on how well i did at something in order to fit in and i’ve learned that when all of that is taken away (even temporarily) it leaves me empty, lonely.
Very well done video, attractive motion graphics that cohere with the narration, and a welcome opinion on an old subject. Thank you!
Great job, young man.
What a fantastic video - thanks for sharing. Your voice is very relaxing
Big thumb up for the end point. My life started changing when I joined a martial arts club and for the first time someone showed interest in me trying. Then it had another boost when I was able to teach others what I had learned in the past.
It has stagnated a lot, but it's still my floater.
The internet is actually loney because of people with inflated egos (mods) and zero trust among us (don't let people trick you into x). Online friends? They are no longer your friend anytime when they press the block button.
Too many narcissists out there.
People are emotional, unpredictable, unsafe.
Solitude is peaceful.
Silence is golden.
Chop wood, carry water.
True don't make friends keep yourself safe and don't trust anyone
I love your comment, I just wish I could be self-sufficient to be able and live like that
Btw latins said solitudo, sola beatitudo
Companionship is what ran humanity throughout its entire existence, while it’s true you need to keep yourself safe, don’t romanticize loneliness. Loneliness will hurt you just as much as talking to people. There are good people out there, I promise.
Yeah, we are all flawed. Except you? And there are too many narcissists to stand up to reality of the actual distribution - see Sam Vaknin for reality.
You manage to be eloquent and humble at the same time.
I like when that happens.
Great video. Well structured and you offered some good points, especially about going monk mode.
Having niche interests also affects this; finding it hard to relate to the populace blows.
I generally stick to what i like and trying new things rarely ends up with me enjoying it.
The thing about it is, i didn't ask to be like this, i just am. Usually the only people i can relate to are other people with niche hobbies or interests that most likely stay in their own circle.
May be due to autism or adhd but i am not a psychiatrist and self diagnosing is not appropriate - however when i tell people the above, they usually say its due to something like that.
Same. When I finally found people with similar interests as me in my teen years, I praised them as gods, while they saw me as uh, meh. They eventually grew up to like me after my insistence; however, they turned out to develop into people whose values do not align with mine. So I left.
And I stopped being picky with my befriendings. What did it happen? These new people are all gone as well. And looking back, they don't really have much in common with me, and I do not vibe with them as well.
Nowadays I came to the conclusion that people whom I vibe with do not really exist. Why bother fighting for others' approval? Why bother hiding your true self? It won't matter in the end, they'll all be gone. And they weren't even that special from the start.
I've read several research on TV and it's nice to see old cinemas being connected!
Thank you for uploading... I really fancy your vids all the way from Balkan
You have a really nice voice, this video was relaxing to listen to
I feel like I won’t be able to sleep until I talk to this man. He just speaking facts to me right now and idk how he expects me to handle this right now
This video resonated with me. Great content and presentation! I like to formulate novel ways of being of service. One is to bring bread to an elderly neighbor. In the past, I would ask them 'do they need anything from the grocer', and they would decline. So, what I randomly do, is purchase two different loaves, and knock on their door, and ask "which one do they want?" They are somewhat caught by surprise by this. And they do not want to repel my good deed, so they then take one. I think they feel good by this, and I do to.
your voice is so soothing, you should do an audiobook
Thank you for a very deep and thoughtful video. It made me reflect on my experiences in life as a Ukrainian (we feel like our communities are torn apart because everyone is in a different place in and outside Ukraine) in Japan (which has its own problems with loneliness and has a similar problem to the suburbs that you have described). Your final advice, to be of service to people, was so unexpected and meaningful that it was like a true revelation for me. I think you helped me to start my road to combat loneliness (mine and my friends'). Thank you so much. I mean it. I wish I had a friend like you.
Maybe they should fix the climate, economy, and labor issues. I bet that would fix it.
A year ago I had a boyfriend and two best friends. We all hung out almost every day, since we were college students together. But since then the bf dumped me, one of my friends moved away, the other (who I was roommates with) got married and moved out. She plans to move states away with her husband soon. About once a month I have a book club with these friends (not ex bf though, I refuse to speak to him lol) and that's about it. I don't know how I got here.
I'll start by saying great work as usual. I appreciate the differentiation between solitude and loneliness because I feel like I come from a similar camp around desiring to be alone to do work, but also crave certain human interactions.
I also want to expand on an idea that you spoke of towards the end of the video. It's the part about using social media less. From a personal standpoint, I have seen significant change in my behavior because of it. To back up a bit, let's just say that in 2020 to early 2021, I was using Twitter for a lot of my social interactions and validations. I would even argue that I often overlooked the parasocial nature and found my deepest emotions forming over people who at best would be casual acquaintances of platonic varieties. I think along with the pandemic just putting me in a doom and gloom "what is life?" existentialism, it made me realize the codependence and distraction. Don't get me wrong. A lot of it was good and healthy, but I came to realize that I couldn't get through Thanksgiving with family without leaving to check Twitter every 60-80 minutes. Also given that I watched probably (no exaggeration) two hours of TikTok before bed, I was attached to a connection I wasn't feeling in my actual life. At one point, I was dissociating so bad that I became paranoid while determining that my friend group on Twitter wasn't anything more than letters and code on a screen, which made me wonder what was even real or authentic interaction (I assure you these people are either real, or have very good updaters).
Ultimately by mid 2021, I was stable enough to think things through and realize that part of coping was to restrict my time online. Twitter remains my most addictive and impulsive outlet, so it would receive the most of my cutting back. Given that I was also having to readjust to social interactions on a basic level as an introvert now scared of aspects of life, it wasn't overnight. Still, I think persistence over the past three years has returned me to a more stable worldview and it's largely because I have found joy in the outside world (I too agree that third places are essential and I hate how they're vanishing, though I'm grateful for theater and cinemas). I haven't had to see those messages or be overwhelmed. I'm occasionally baffled by trends I missed, but my mind doesn't linger on them as much. I'm also finding I'm less codependent on the validation side of things in terms of likes and comments and am now just grateful for whatever I get. It wasn't easy and arguably I took it to some extremes. In 2022, I took four months straight off of Twitter and in 2023 it was actually up to six. I'm working on different moderations now, but I think I'm at a happier medium than I have been.
Not to be cocky, but I think overall my self-conscious need to improve my outlook has made me one of the more well-adjusted members of my family, if just because I now try to avoid phone use when I'm in a setting with them. Not saying who, but it's made me more aware of how much others escape that way even close to me. They'll have to come to their own solutions in their own time. For me, this small way of fighting loneliness has made my life better. There are ways I could improve, but I felt it's important to note that you don't have to remove social media to have a better mentality. You just need to appreciate other things as well.
This is so succinct and insightful. Thank you so so much.
Great video!
I'm not interested in being stabbed in the back again.
Learning how to make friends as an adult has changed my life for the better. It’s not hard once you get some practice with it!
Great analysis of a complex problem.
I vibe with your mindset! Positivity
Thank you for this thoughtful video. For the past few years, my wife has been having chronic pain issues often leaving her bedridden. I've often wondered how I manage to feel so lonely when I'm lucky to be married to and spend every day with my best friend, but some of the points in this video helped me consider how entirely isolating it feels when her pain flares up. It's not something I feel comfortable talking about with my family cuz it's a total bummer of a subject, and it's difficult to talk about how it's affected me without coming off as selfish.
BEING OF SERVICE TO PEOPLE OMG you’re so right I hadn’t noticed that
I had a great friend once, the kind you could discuss anything with, without either of us judging each other. I'm glad I got to experience that; I doubt many people will.
Wow! Dude you seem really cool :)
Got my subscription!
Calling it the "freindship recession" is WAAAAAYYYY better than the "male loneliness epidemic"