To accept compliment for me it all comes down to one’s level of confidence. Only confident people can take compliment graciously. I learnt this because once i was so pessimist about myself and had very low self esteem. Now no more! Thanks to self confidence!
“This is a rag my sister gave me…”🤣. Nothing like downgrading a compliment and putting your sister down at the same time. I got a chuckle out of that one! Thank you for the helpful info!
For me it was being raised in a religious household. Pride is a deadly sin, so you're stuck in limbo: 1. You accept the praise and you're indulging in pride, arrogant 2. Ignore the praise and you're a negative Nancy. The problem I'm in is that this unwillingness to accept praise, gets upgraded to pessimism or self-doubt. "Great job" "...(They're lieing, it looks awful, it could be better. Tell me what you really think.) Thanks."
I would just say “Thank you , that was nice of you to say” and then move on and be happy and if you are a religious person just remember to be grateful for what God has given you
You just earned yourself a subscriber! This is exactly the kind of channel i've been looking for. Also as an aside, i think there's another reason people don't respond well to compliments. Their self esteem doesn't allow them to accept the compliment because it doesn't align with the story they have about themselves in their own head. So they actually could perceive it as manipulative. They must want something from me in exchange for this compliment, because theirs no way it's actually genuine.
I agree that’s another reason, suspicion that the compliment is insincere. Thanks for subscribing. I’d be grateful if you recommended the channel to your friends.
I think that sometimes what can make it difficult to accept a compliment is that you may not feel as if you've earned the compliment that you're being given. If you're not happy with how you perform yet you're given a compliment on your performance, it can challenge the standard that you hold yourself to. I think there's something to be said about self-esteem in that regard, cus some people may have a tendency towards harsh self criticism to the degree that it doesn't even matter how well they've done.
In addition to the competing goals that come into play with compliments, I feel they're made awkward, because they make for deadend conversations. When I accept a compliment with a simple thank you and a smile, that thread of conversation is done and now someone needs to come up with a new topic. I could elaborate on whatever the person complimented me on, but that would be self praise or even worse, boring. If a guy compliments me on my hairstyle, he doesn't want to hear about my new hair care routine. But if I quickly change the subject after I thank him, it feels dismissive and like I'm running away from the flattery. In girl world, this is solved by dutifully finding a way to compliment the woman back. This social demand can sometimes feel fake. The solution that I've come up with for paying conversation killing compliments is to follow the compliment with a question. "You're such a wonderful speaker! What kind of preparation goes into such a talk?" "You know so much about a wide variety of subjects! Is that the result of a natural curiosity?" In this way, the road is paved for gracious acceptance of the compliment, they're invited to talk about themselves and conversation flows easily.
Anne, brilliant analysis of the tensions inherent in compliments. And also a very elegant solution you’ve found. Tell us about yourself. How did you get to be such a sensitive observer of communication?
@@HowCommunicationWorks Thank you. I've had to analyze human behavior and niceties for 10 years in order to explain it to my husband with high functioning autism. I love his blunt honesty and lack of ego, but some public situations require finesse. Since scripting is a naturally employed tool by autistic people, I help him to tweak his social scripts in order to smooth out his interactions with clients, friends and family. This continuous analysis of communication has improved my own conversation skills, too, of course.
The rare compliments I've received always make me squirm.. I know I'm not good enough, they're just being nice, and they know that I know they are just being nice. I wish I wasn't me.
Found this video while ruminating over how I responded to a compliment my therapist gave me. I tried to say thanks and that it meant a lot to hear from her but then I got scared that that could be taken as believing her which would rhen come off arrogant 🫣😮💨
@@HowCommunicationWorks sometimes, especially in the work place because it seem to excuse them from undesirable habits, such as not completely doing assigned tasks. They will say how good someone is at something, and make them do that particular task more often. I've been on the receiving end of this several times.
Also growing up in a family that uses "double speak" has a huge impact on how one views the potential intentions behind a outwardly-friendly compliment. Eg, "Your dress is very flattering" could actually be meant in a negative way, so taking the perceived compliment at face value is then turned into accepting a mean comment about yourself.
I have a much easier time responding to criticisms than compliments. Whether I accept them or reject them internally. It's because I'm the most humble person to ever exist.
I always thought the Japanese norm, of simply disagreeing and refusing a compliment is just flat out passive aggressive, and gaslighting the 1st person's judgement.
The sales manager and coach Frank Merenda told his students to pay attention to compliments during a product demonstration . The selfe defences get down and probably that client Is going to buy anywhere else, After he used your explanation to receive more informations about a product. 2 an Usa blogger ( female) Is publishing video about her travels and long stays in Italy. She Met an italian man , that She Is feeling as the tipical latin-lover. One evening he said " you are wonderful " and She " how manu other women Heard these words" ( sei bellissima/ a quante altre donne l'hai già detto?). Some people give this answer : how smart you are today! / I am everyday smart. I wear Always the same dresses.. thank you 🇮🇹
How I deal with compliments: 1. ignore the comment and move on with my day. 2. deflection. 3. Tell them to "F-ck off!" Personally I find #3 the most satisfying.
What about if your issue isn't responding to others, but accepting a compliment internally? Always jumping to the idea that the other person is just being nice or thinks you did/are better than you really are? Cause that gets very draining...and really, what are the odds that every single compliment that was given to you has been a lie? But sometimes it can be very hard.
To me it sounds like sarcasm . People tend to talk down when they dish out a compliment ,” Awww don’t you look nice today”. I’m not a three year old and I dress the same everyday.
I don’t think all of the cited examples are wrong or awkward or unacceptable. There are situations when you should not just accept it. Why should we only accept the compliment in the first place? Be unique and behave contextually. Life is of course a drama. This person teaches another script
I hate the whole social pressure around self praise, i put a fucking lot of work into my music and when i get a complement about it i really dont want to downplay it because of the work that went into it but i have to
Are they being nice, or just taking the piss or exercising their sarcasm? When I hear "compliments" I usually pass it off as small talk, or when compliments aren't due, I'll give a funny look or ignore them having to bite my lip from saying F**k off!
I just wish I could stop hating myself so I could take praise. I also wish I wasn't a pessimist who thinks 90% of the people giving me the compliment aren't genuine.
However, if a person gives you compliment for something you actually had no role to play, aren't you supposed to be honest about it rather than saying "thank you"?
I find myself distrustful. I don't know what their motive is. Maybe I am thinking too much. But then again being called gay too much probably makes me unwilling to accept complements. I don't know what the hell I think.
There’s another reason I don’t like compliments. I don’t like compliments on appearance because it’s superficial and often used to manipulate or even insult. It reminds me that looks is the only thing that matters to small minded people. It’s gross. I try to take it in t spirit it is meant, which is sometimes genuine, but I’m not that good at reading very good liars right away and so just don’t like it in general.
People are not loving and loyal all the time. This includes you. It is not possible to tell whether a person is lying based on their demeanor. But if experience shows overtime that someone is in sincere were lying, and that seems like a valid basis for not trusting them in the future.
I look at compliments as judgement I dress up nice today “hey I love your blah blah blah” Next day (crickets) I don’t care what others think of me Leave me alone
To accept compliment for me it all comes down to one’s level of confidence. Only confident people can take compliment graciously. I learnt this because once i was so pessimist about myself and had very low self esteem. Now no more! Thanks to self confidence!
“This is a rag my sister gave me…”🤣. Nothing like downgrading a compliment and putting your sister down at the same time. I got a chuckle out of that one! Thank you for the helpful info!
For me it was being raised in a religious household. Pride is a deadly sin, so you're stuck in limbo:
1. You accept the praise and you're indulging in pride, arrogant
2. Ignore the praise and you're a negative Nancy.
The problem I'm in is that this unwillingness to accept praise, gets upgraded to pessimism or self-doubt.
"Great job"
"...(They're lieing, it looks awful, it could be better. Tell me what you really think.) Thanks."
That's tough. Have you found a compromise solution that allows you to be humble and yet accept praise?
Same here
I would just say “Thank you , that was nice of you to say” and then move on and be happy and if you are a religious person just remember to be grateful for what God has given you
You just earned yourself a subscriber! This is exactly the kind of channel i've been looking for. Also as an aside, i think there's another reason people don't respond well to compliments. Their self esteem doesn't allow them to accept the compliment because it doesn't align with the story they have about themselves in their own head. So they actually could perceive it as manipulative. They must want something from me in exchange for this compliment, because theirs no way it's actually genuine.
I agree that’s another reason, suspicion that the compliment is insincere. Thanks for subscribing. I’d be grateful if you recommended the channel to your friends.
You took words from my mouth.
Anyone: **Compliments me**
Me, internally: "Okay then...I don't really believe you though."
Me, speaking: "Thanks so much!"
I think that sometimes what can make it difficult to accept a compliment is that you may not feel as if you've earned the compliment that you're being given. If you're not happy with how you perform yet you're given a compliment on your performance, it can challenge the standard that you hold yourself to. I think there's something to be said about self-esteem in that regard, cus some people may have a tendency towards harsh self criticism to the degree that it doesn't even matter how well they've done.
One time someone complimented me and I said "I know"
I felt so ashamed that day 🤣
I do that everyday.
In addition to the competing goals that come into play with compliments, I feel they're made awkward, because they make for deadend conversations. When I accept a compliment with a simple thank you and a smile, that thread of conversation is done and now someone needs to come up with a new topic. I could elaborate on whatever the person complimented me on, but that would be self praise or even worse, boring. If a guy compliments me on my hairstyle, he doesn't want to hear about my new hair care routine. But if I quickly change the subject after I thank him, it feels dismissive and like I'm running away from the flattery. In girl world, this is solved by dutifully finding a way to compliment the woman back. This social demand can sometimes feel fake. The solution that I've come up with for paying conversation killing compliments is to follow the compliment with a question.
"You're such a wonderful speaker! What kind of preparation goes into such a talk?"
"You know so much about a wide variety of subjects! Is that the result of a natural curiosity?"
In this way, the road is paved for gracious acceptance of the compliment, they're invited to talk about themselves and conversation flows easily.
Anne, brilliant analysis of the tensions inherent in compliments. And also a very elegant solution you’ve found. Tell us about yourself. How did you get to be such a sensitive observer of communication?
@@HowCommunicationWorks Thank you. I've had to analyze human behavior and niceties for 10 years in order to explain it to my husband with high functioning autism. I love his blunt honesty and lack of ego, but some public situations require finesse. Since scripting is a naturally employed tool by autistic people, I help him to tweak his social scripts in order to smooth out his interactions with clients, friends and family. This continuous analysis of communication has improved my own conversation skills, too, of course.
@@anneperkins85 Cool. He's lucky to have you.
1. Downgrade Praise
2. Shift Praise
3. Dramatize the Compliment
4. Return the Compliment
Thank you for making this video!
The rare compliments I've received always make me squirm.. I know I'm not good enough, they're just being nice, and they know that I know they are just being nice. I wish I wasn't me.
This helped me understand a good bit of things, maybe you can make a video of better alternatives to the main deflections.
I was bullied all my life and when people try to be nice I become mean because I get scared that I’ll just get bullied again
I’m sorry.
Found this video while ruminating over how I responded to a compliment my therapist gave me. I tried to say thanks and that it meant a lot to hear from her but then I got scared that that could be taken as believing her which would rhen come off arrogant 🫣😮💨
Just say thank you and move on. Thanks for the kind words is what I say all the time. Words don't carry that much weight.
Cause most people who give compliments they want something from you, and it's not always genuine.
So you think most people who give compliments are being manipulative?
@@HowCommunicationWorks sometimes, especially in the work place because it seem to excuse them from undesirable habits, such as not completely doing assigned tasks. They will say how good someone is at something, and make them do that particular task more often. I've been on the receiving end of this several times.
Also growing up in a family that uses "double speak" has a huge impact on how one views the potential intentions behind a outwardly-friendly compliment.
Eg, "Your dress is very flattering" could actually be meant in a negative way, so taking the perceived compliment at face value is then turned into accepting a mean comment about yourself.
I have a much easier time responding to criticisms than compliments. Whether I accept them or reject them internally. It's because I'm the most humble person to ever exist.
I always thought the Japanese norm, of simply disagreeing and refusing a compliment is just flat out passive aggressive, and gaslighting the 1st person's judgement.
Did my video change your opinion?
The sales manager and coach Frank Merenda told his students to pay attention to compliments during a product demonstration . The selfe defences get down and probably that client Is going to buy anywhere else, After he used your explanation to receive more informations about a product.
2 an Usa blogger ( female) Is publishing video about her travels and long stays in Italy. She Met an italian man , that She Is feeling as the tipical latin-lover. One evening he said " you are wonderful " and She " how manu other women Heard these words" ( sei bellissima/ a quante altre donne l'hai già detto?).
Some people give this answer : how smart you are today! / I am everyday smart. I wear Always the same dresses.. thank you 🇮🇹
What would people think of you if you were to say, "thank you; I was really trying my best"?
How I deal with compliments:
1. ignore the comment and move on with my day.
2. deflection.
3. Tell them to "F-ck off!"
Personally I find #3 the most satisfying.
What about if your issue isn't responding to others, but accepting a compliment internally? Always jumping to the idea that the other person is just being nice or thinks you did/are better than you really are? Cause that gets very draining...and really, what are the odds that every single compliment that was given to you has been a lie? But sometimes it can be very hard.
That’s an issue for therapy probably. It’s about self-love and self-esteem.
To me it sounds like sarcasm . People tend to talk down when they dish out a compliment ,” Awww don’t you look nice today”.
I’m not a three year old and I dress the same everyday.
I don’t think all of the cited examples are wrong or awkward or unacceptable. There are situations when you should not just accept it. Why should we only accept the compliment in the first place? Be unique and behave contextually. Life is of course a drama. This person teaches another script
I knew this video wasn’t for me, when I get about 5 min each morning to pull myself together 😂
I hate the whole social pressure around self praise, i put a fucking lot of work into my music and when i get a complement about it i really dont want to downplay it because of the work that went into it but i have to
How would you feel about just saying “thank you so much”? That’s what I’m suggesting here as a socially appropriate way of accepting a complement.
Are they being nice, or just taking the piss or exercising their sarcasm?
When I hear "compliments" I usually pass it off as small talk, or when compliments aren't due, I'll give a funny look or ignore them having to bite my lip from saying F**k off!
can you please make a video on how to not fall for sweet words or compliments,sympathy,that people want us to think that they are really sweet
I usually don’t accept compliments because the majority of the people who compliment me just do it out of pity or they just want something in return.
How can you be so sure about their intentions?
of course some are so mean ...so how to handle when someone show us pity and gives us compliments so that we should not fall for those words....
I just wish I could stop hating myself so I could take praise. I also wish I wasn't a pessimist who thinks 90% of the people giving me the compliment aren't genuine.
However, if a person gives you compliment for something you actually had no role to play, aren't you supposed to be honest about it rather than saying "thank you"?
I might still say “very kind of you to say so.”
I find myself distrustful. I don't know what their motive is. Maybe I am thinking too much. But then again being called gay too much probably makes me unwilling to accept complements. I don't know what the hell I think.
There’s another reason I don’t like compliments. I don’t like compliments on appearance because it’s superficial and often used to manipulate or even insult. It reminds me that looks is the only thing that matters to small minded people. It’s gross. I try to take it in t spirit it is meant, which is sometimes genuine, but I’m not that good at reading very good liars right away and so just don’t like it in general.
Check out something about "double speak"
Might help you in some ways
"this old thing? I only put it on when I don't care how I look =P"
It's usually polite if a female tells another female they look nice... you don't want the other lady to think you think she doesn't look good herself
Nice analysis
Thank you very much. All credit for the basics of the analysis go to Professor Anita Pomerantz, whose paper was the basis for this video.
I can't accept compliments because I think they are not genuine and they are just making fun of me and I'm also worthless piece of garbage
how to see the truth rather than good in every situation ,coz people back stab you.
People are not loving and loyal all the time. This includes you. It is not possible to tell whether a person is lying based on their demeanor. But if experience shows overtime that someone is in sincere were lying, and that seems like a valid basis for not trusting them in the future.
@@HowCommunicationWorks so we will learn by experience... BTW thanks for the reply😊
Still telling people to take a hike with their compliments...
I look at compliments as judgement
I dress up nice today “hey I love your blah blah blah”
Next day (crickets)
I don’t care what others think of me
Leave me alone
Compliments from people i don't trust seem like manipulations.
Anyone else get distracted by how often he blinks in the video? Now I gotta restart and pay attention, lol
Lol I don’t even believe them