Somewhat so. I can go on monologue if I feel welcomed to do that... It's my shame if I can't read it. I used to be shy, but have gone through wiggly road that has taught me multiple ways, at least basics. I'm not saying I'm any good.
you're not alone 'cause I'm also like that. Whenever there'd be visitors coming over, I'd immediately go to my room and lock myself up until they're gone.😅
I think sometimes "introverts" aren't introverts, but the culture expects to talk about things that don't interest us so there's a lot of pressure to be fake. I had a job interview earlier and I feel like I need a nap because it was so hard for me. It was only 30 minutes. I could talk with someone with similar interests for hours and not feel the same way.
Totally agree. I’ve been an introvert in many situations but eventually I realized that I was more outgoing in situations where I felt freedom to move around and take a rest and recollect my thoughts
Basically you gotta choose a job that allows you to be your own boss so you don’t have to kiss someone’s ass or you change yourself somehow, or you can do both (what I did)
I used to be an extrovert. Life of the party. Over time I changed, until now I’m weary of people, no desire to date or meet anyone, etc. I feel content with a quiet life.
same here bro. M a complete different person now m 46. In my 20s i was a party animal. now m an introvert. M married tho. with 4 kids. That could be the main reason.
I’m 23. I was a total introvert until last year when something clicked and I become unafraid of talking to people. I spent so many years scared to talk to people that nowadays it feels so good just chatting with random people. I do hate fake conversations though.
I enjoyed these parties in my younger days when drinking and smoking was fun. But now in my 50's with children I would rather be at home ..... hiding in the bathroom.... I Love your talks! I think you are telling some truths few men talk about and helping many men heal!
Hey friend, I'm also an introvert, I rarely go to parties, there are fake people who pretends they are sincere but some may back stab us. I don't have a night life. Office politics at work is a no no! I knew it, I'm not a shy person, I'm confident to myself but socializing to many people is not my habit. I prefer to have one on one conversation to person I like to befriend but not a group. Thanks for a significant content and good morning!
Many people are fake around others. It can be very difficult to find people who are open, honest, and genuine. Most of us that are genuine, rarely meet because we are hiding from the people who are pretending to be something they aren't.
the thing is every time someone says "honest, genuine," the associations are always positive. it's a good thing people (and natural) put on a performance in public. if everyone acted the way they truly are (whatever that means), you'd never want to leave your house. ever.
The fact it's mandated attendance means at least half of the people there don't actually want to be there. Trying to have a conversation with someone who would rather be somewhere else when you feel the same sounds like a nightmare.
Me Too! Just totally random and I’m watching all his videos. My front UA-cam page is guitars, gangs and pro wrestling so how did this guy show up🤷🏻♂️. It’s awesome!
You are like me, I don't really like crowds and big gatherings, that's just me. I actually feel better, eating alone and being alone (most of the time), doing things I like to do myself, living my life I see right. Blessings to everyone to find their peace and love to themselves and others.
I live in Japan over 25yrs. I don't have a single friend here. I usead to have alot of friends when I was a kid growing up. Never in HS. Joined the US Navy, traveled all over the world and met all kinds of people and experience their culture. Did that for 12yrs and still some what contracting for going on 20yrs. People are changing. Most are liars, two face hypocrites, and they come to you to ask for things, get what they want from you and usually not do the same in return if you needed help. If you feel that deep inside of you, trust your instinct if that person is good to go not peer pressuring to cause you or someone bodily harm,
Hello from Okinawa! Please be encouraged. I have felt that I am an outsider even though my mother is Okinawan. I grew up in USA and I brought my mom in a wheelchair back to Okinawa for her to see home country doctors. Then I met and married a Japanese National and stayed in Japan. I worked on the base for years. Afterwards, off base teaching English and running a preschool. Now, retired and involved with the local Kominkan and Rajyo Taiso. My spouse was involved with JICA and we invited participants to our home for a meal. Many retired military here get involved with local elementary schools, orphanages, or even elderly care facilities. Hope these ideas help. God Bless!
As we age, building relationships can become a challenge and require more effort. Plus ppl have become weary of even genuine people. Don't give up, there are people looking for authentic connections. Try connecting with people at events you enjoy, you two will have something in common.
When I was a teen, I was hiding in the bathroom at school. When I was a young adult, I was hiding in the bathroom at university. I am now more than 40 years old, and I finally just avoid socializing with strangers whenever I can. I have tried, but I hate it, and I always will. Your videos are so relatable and you are very likeable. If I were living in Japan, I wish we could sometimes meet after work to play an old SNES game together. All the best to you!
I had the same problem, but at school. I used to run away from others because I felt alone with them and I always had nothing to say. I thought I was bad at socializing, but no, I just didn't like talking to them. When you find someone who is respectful and shares the same interests as you, it will be easy to socialize and, trust me, you will enjoy it. The hard part is finding that person, but once you find them, don't let go.
What never fails for small talk is to ask people about themselves and get them to open up about their life. It shifts the focus on them and you might even learn something interesting from it. People will surprise you if you give them the opportunity.
Very few people actually really listen to other people when they talk. They are just thinking about what they want to say next. Especially Americans, they are so solipsistic and self-obsessed.
I agree but there are a couple of pitfalls to this. 1. Some people, like myself, don't like to talk about themselves, especially in a group setting. 2. When continually asked about themselves, certain people get carried away with their ego, under the impression you think they're incredibly interesting and you'll leave the conversation know everything about them with them knowing nothing about you. It will feel one-sided and empty, almost as if you've only served to allow them to waffle on about themselves.
Yes, it’s fine if you’re an introvert and just want to avoid parties altogether but if you have a job which requires socialising or networking it’s not always possible. Come armed with a half dozen questions - say 3 general questions and 3 questions that are relevant to the context of the social event. If the conversation has dried up after you have asked your 6 questions move on to someone else. Ideally you don’t need to ask all 6 questions. If there is sufficient common ground for an interesting conversation you will usually find it after one or two questions.
@@fluffy8835I'm with you. I feel like more people are opting out. I have avoided them a long time and now I will tolerate it for only as long as it does not start giving me a headache and draining me. I will not participate in draining situations but will make an effort to be as social as possible lol.
I have had the same friends for over 35 years now and enjoy their company over either brunches or lunches out. However, I also made new friends around 10 years ago by just stopping and complimenting their garden while walking our dog. We had that love of plants in common and it became a good friendship of sharing plants and advice plus looking after each others' houses when we go on vacation. If you have a hobby, join a club and you instantly have something in common.
Trust me when I tell you, it’s BEST to be alone than surrounded by people who know your name but don’t know who you really are. I wasted 10+ years on “friends” who now have countless facts about me to use against me. They were never my friends but I kept keeping them around out of fear of being alone.. now I’m early 30s and wasted my 20s. I can easily make friends, but keeping them is the real issue. When you change and improve and others can’t keep up or accept you, you will remain alone. Thanks for your honesty.
Attending parties where you would spend time talking to people you don't care about is the most uncomfortable thing ever. Spending time with only two or three friends close to my heart at a cafeteria or at a restaurant is much better.
I used to be the same when I worked a few years back. I'm older now ( in my 60s), I'm healthy, & full of creativity; for the rest of my life I will devote to doing work that I really enjoy & turning it into income. If I could offer some advice to you - be careful of how you speak & think about yourself - always keep it positive (even when life sucks at the moment) because your thoughts & speech creates your environment. I tried it & it works.
I have always felt the same way. I actually do not have social anxiety, and I am generally very confident when I need to be social. However, I don’t enjoy it because of the reasons you said. It’s empty. The idea of making genuine friends in those environments is pointless. It’s like looking for a girlfriend at a strip club. I have found a better approach to be more intimate interest-based groups, like books clubs.
One of my favorite quotes is by spiritual teacher, Vernon Howard: "The (mutual) trading of ego-gratification is the basis of most human relations, which uniformed humans call love and unity." I used to be extremely social, but got tired of playing the game. I realized I was much more fulfilled when being alone with myself reading and meditating. Nevertheless, it is hard to completely avoid human interaction and since you have children, you will necessarily set an example for them. Be tolerant. Yes, most people are rather boring, yet it is important to treat everyone with empathy if the cost to you is minimal. Separating from others is much harder and more mentally exhausting than simply accepting them. Being bored never killed anyone. ❤
My father is also a middle-aged Asian professional (we live in Canada), and he is also someone with few friends. At one point he was introduced to this breakfast club (consisting of a group of men having breakfast together before going to work), and he really likes it. To me it doesn’t seem like he has many friends in the club, but of the few friends he does have, he tries to make a genuine effort in learning more about them (what their job is, what their family is like, etc), and it seems to make him feel like he has a deeper bond with them.
I 100% agree, especially work gatherings, which essentially amount to an extension of the work day. As I got older, and after enduring many uncomfortable dinners and parties , I stopped attending altogether.
I think it's good to recognize that one is not good at socializing, rather than trying to do something you don't want to do and are not good at. I am like you, and in my old age i recognize my limitations. Not having friends though, i understand that too.
4:44 As an ambivert who now leans more towards introvertism compared to when I used to lean towards extrovertism before, I've observed that I'm really good at socializing with a few people who seem to match my vibe and wavelength during conversations based on our knowledge, our perspectives, our opinions, our experiences, etc. I never open my mouth in big groups for sure, but I would also not to go the distance of hiding in a bathroom during parties or social gatherings, and after having immigranted to a new country, I've also realized the value of such gatherings, which used to be so common back home. This is why I only feel comfortable involving with like minded small groups of 4-5 people or with a large group of already familiar people whom I know in and out and vice versa. I've also observed the reason behind me having grown more silent and numb over time is because it's never a two way conversation in my case, it's always only me listening to them and the other person hijacking what I have to say and talking because a majority of the people only want to talk and never listen to what others have to say, those are the people whom I always recognize in public and try my best to be away from them, conversations are supposed to be a two way street because otherwise you're welcome to see yourself out of conversating with me, I'll be happy minding my own business if you find that rude. Also rarely at times, I feel like I belong away and separately from a crowd due to having differing interests, due to which I can also make out that people aren't really very eager and interested in what I have to share, fair enough, but there's that.
I appreciate you making these videos. It's interesting to hear some personal experiences from someone whose culture is so different from my own. You are not alone on this particular experience; we are all human after all. I enjoy hearing what you have to say. Wishing you well, from Rhode Island, USA.
Yes; he comes from a culture that values respectfully listening to others and knowing when to STFU. By contrast, America is a bunch of loud, rude clowns braying at the world and insisting it's my way or the highway.
The only party I like is talking to friends on the mic and online when we play games, sincere friends share hobbies they can relate and we’ve known each other for more than a few years now, know each other birthdays and send gifts online lol ❤ it’s the best! A few of my friends met each other and got married too 🤗
Yep. A lot of people stigmatize online friends. But generally, the people you meet while you play games or engage in hobbies you're interested in online are the ones who you would probably make good friends with irl too.
I noticed lots of people as they age dont like people. They want to be alone. There is so much intrusion in our lives by government and people around us. We are just tired of it.
I'm 41 years old guy from Indonesia, and I can deeply relate with this video. As an introvert & socially-awkward person myself, it's really sad & frustrating that I'm often viewed as "weird" & different from 'normal' people mostly. I also really yearn for good friendships, or even to have a lot of friends. But unfortunately, since I suck really bad at social-skills (& socializing), I often still feel so alone, lonely, & misunderstood often times by people. I have also often felt like I'm ostracized, ignored, & outcast by people. Ironically, on the surface level & from the outside, I might seem to 'have it all', but yet somehow I don't know why exactly that I keep failing & failing over & over again constantly in my life. Honestly, it's very depressing.. Thank you for this sincere & real honest video that I can deeply relate too..
I wouldn’t hide but I would definitely drag it out!!😂. I agree I feel like conversations seem more meaningless than ever. In America we have to avoid talking politics because we are so divided.
Before I retired my employer carried out the Myers Briggs personality test on it's employees, which classifies people according to cool blue, earth green, sunshine yellow, and fiery red. Each of these colours represents two key related pieces of information: the individual's outlook on life and the way in which they make decisions. This also impacts the way in which a person is perceived by others. It helped me understand better that different people have different preferences when it comes to socializing and it is best to respect other people accordingly and try and find a middle ground.
Wait how do you find that middle ground is there a rule? I always try my best but i worry sometimes i used to get too open minded and talk for long about something they arent interested in but i carry on hoping they care which they either do or pretend to but really i was speaking to much because i felt bad they had nothing to say also this whole comment i made is a mess im not good at english sorry
@@shanaa3697 The secret is to spend more time listening to people. Some people take a long while to express their internal thoughts. So for those types of people I like to give them more time to speak. When I was younger I had the habit of speaking too much and interrupting people. When there was a quiet moment I felt the need to fill the space which was a reflection of my own insecurity. Hopefully I have got better over time but still make mistakes. Humans are complicated creatures.
I used to work for a Japanese Bank for nine years and would occasionally have to take out Japanese customers for dinner, they were the hardest people to engage into a conversation, has to drag everything out of them which left me exhausted. They probably hated being there just as much as I. In general it is hard to get any information out of Japanese business people, of course mostly men, they assume that you can guess their thoughts. I also experienced that when working as a headhunter in London, Japanese managers were a nightmare to work with, however, i generally love the Japanese people for their kindness.
I started at a new high school during my last year of school, and during lunch I would go to the bathroom and read. Eventually, I came out and sat with a group.. But it's interesting that I fondly remember hanging out in a bathroom.
As a huge introvert, I get my energy from being alone. I can sit in my hobbies for hours, daily, and not even have the desire to see another person. However, I also realized that loneliness would still hang over me. It is still not effortless, but I came to the realization that strangers don't have to be strangers. The first step I took was openly expressing my interests in group settings. Sometimes it was rough, because you go in not knowing how to insert yourself into a conversation. But I listened, a lot. By leaving myself open to that at first, I learned, and I noticed that these strangers were not far from me. If something came up that I knew about, I tried to add to it. Soon, I wasn't just listening, but had people talk about the things they liked and what I liked, and how those things overlapped. For a long time I feared that people only had superficial thoughts and ideas, but that's not everyone. Now those "strangers" I can call friends, all by changing my outlook.
I used to feel the same way as you do now. I didn't enjoy socializing or having what seemed like pointless chats. But as I've gotten older, my views on socializing have shifted. It's not just about idle talk, but about understanding others. I find it interesting to learn about people's thoughts, experiences, and what shaped them into who they are today.
I started leaving parties in my mid-late 20's. I just never enjoyed it. Those weren't the friends I wanted to make. Instead, I went to local gaming stores to play card games, and I loved making those friends. You've shown off some of the toys that you reviewed, and I don't know if those were things that you enjoyed. But, do you think you would enjoy speaking with someone about hobbies at a hobby shop? Like the model kits you showed, or model trains? Hobbies like these have always given me a great way to make new friends, and they also give me things to do when I spend time alone. Just a suggestion, and I hope things get better for you!
Thank you for your videos, as a german raised japanese, I'm very glad to get a glimpse / glance how Japan feels from the inside. As you said, you would like to get in touch with others or meet new friends; the superficial initial conversation might be the necessary as an initial step. This part might be not the nicest experience, but a necessary step to find interesting people as people don't open up their inner thoughts at the first conversation.
Like you I do not enjoy socializing with strangers. I found out why that is, as I was recently diagnosed with aspergers disorder. I have never hidden in a bathroom. I mostly do what you say you do. Pretend to really enjoy the conversations so the people won't think that I don't like them. I just avoid going to as many as those situations as I can. If I have to go to one. I try to socialize even though I do not really want to.
The truer reality is that the majority of us would rather be in the bathroom becoming real friends with each other than out there faking with the group. Life is generally lonely outside of family but its always cool to see other people in your situation whom you genuinely would like to support. I think we discredit the beauty of life when we give up on starting over & serving the generations below us who are aching to find a new friend with wisdom we lack as we hope to inspire you with youthful inspiration you may have forgot. We authentic people work so much better as a team, tomodachi.
You're not alone. I've always hated socializing. I grew up being taught that socializing is required if you are going to be a normal human being. People think you are defective if you don't like parties and get togethers. As far as getting new friends, I would not rely on parties or gatherings like you mentioned. I would recommend doing it one person at a time somehow. It's a matter of finding someone who has very similar interests as you. Not just hobbies but 'life' things. Someone with very common ground as you. There may be someone around you that would also like to make UA-cam videos or be a part of that. It would be great if you found someone to make videos with. Wouldn't have to be every video. There's a man that works in my department that I've known for several years. We started to have to work together and I found out he has similar interests as me and he has a wife and child like me. He also hates socializing. We don't hang out together but I consider him a friend. Those party goers have lots of friends but they are superficial for the most part. They enjoy those conversations that you and me find tedious and avoidable. I apologize for the long comment. It's just that your video about yourself described me perfectly.
This is exactly how I am. Small talk is the worst. It feels so pointless. I also feel I wanna make new friends but it’s so hard to find people on the same wavelength and mindset
I find people interesting and I enjoy conversations with strangers. I like to hear their experiences and learn new things. But I also understand avoiding it. You need to be in the right mind space at the moment to socialise
I absolutely understand what you’re talking about. I feel the same way. I am from small European country however I see people feel similar way about stuff just everywhere like pretending enjoyment when you are expected to have that. It’s sad we just can’t be ourselves many times because we would be considered as weird loner or antisocial people. We’ve been hearing from everywhere to be yourself but many times it’s not possible and we’ve been suffering silently.
I watched this vlog and felt so sorry for you and totally connected to what you were saying - it really hit home for me - personally since covid hit i have come to appreciate myself more rather than the company of others and i love the comfort of my own home and thats where i find my happiness....attending functions are always a stressful thing for me i feel my anxiety rise and if i get a chance i attend i stay for a few minutes so i am seen then i dash out the closest exit - get in the car take a deep breath and say to myself thank god i got out of there
I too hate shallow conversation and small talk, yet have a strong desire to connect with others. I wish people were less afraid to be their genuine selves, and be more relaxed and confident in social situations. Closer to the way we behave around our families and real friends. Everyone is so guarded and unsure about each other, worried about appearances, preoccupied with fitting in. I don't need all that stress.
I was bullied when I was young. So as a result I had social anxiety as teenager. I used to hide in bathrooms and corners when school parties and events where held. Then I slipped home as soon as I could when I felt nobody was looking. It was not until or around my thirties I started to come out of my shell. It was slow steps but today at 51 I actually work in entertainment and host a group of people each week. The first thing I did to get better was to talk about the problem. Just like you are doing in this video. This is a good step because we are all in one way or another afraid of certain things. Being vulnerable and open is the way out. Well done! ....Actually I still stay away from all smoking situations. My parents used to smoke and it affected my health as a kid. So I simply don't like smoking. So you are doing good to stay away from that.. Its. a health decision.
Being a conversationalist is a skill. You don't need this skill of course if you're talking to someone with similar interests that you care about, but when you don't care about the topics it is a lot work and it's draining for an introvert. To me, improving the conversation/social skill is what I'm focusing on so I'm actually getting something out of it. "Oh, so you majored in marketing?" - this stuff is not fun 😂
I feel the same way. I have social anxiety, it’s extra difficult to connect with other people. I felt nowadays people are full of themselves, self absorbed.
I feel the same as you about socializing. I read a good book recently called "Quiet" by Susan Cain. She points out the value of introverts like us in society and our need for solitude. I highly recommend it. Dianne
Just came across your channel, im all the way across the world in toronto and resonate with almost everything you say, (not that i disagree with what your saying) if i had money i would set up some kind of event where i would fly everyone (viewers, subscribers, fellow friends, colleagues, etc) out to a place where we could all get to share our thoughts the conversation would be amazing i dont even have to second guess that. And to answer your question, i wouldnt mind meeting new people at parties or social gatherings. Im not afraid or held back in anyway....but i do have a KEEN eye for fake people and these types of things. I only know this from previous horrible friendships but it has made me eager to replace all those horrible memories with new and fulfilling ones.
Hiding only gives you fake comfort that always leads to loneliness. I always try to talk to others and try to find something we have in common to talk about, something both them and I can get excited to talk about. Ask about vacation plans, travels they have done in their lives, you can even just ask what is something they are looking forward to? Maybe its just a tv show or a sport, but you can try to find something in common that way, and make yourself excited so they match your energy so both have a better time.
I’m watching this video after returning from a company celebration in Roppongi Tokyo. I may feel the same way like not going there in the fist place, but I could find joy in observing and listening to people and trying understand their deep story, though that is not common small talk at all. Some may refuse to disclose anything private. As long as you need to go to an office I guess it’s a good way to build relationships. The Alcohol sure helps too.
Like anything, learning to socialize is a skill. You will get better the more you do it. I work as a personal trainer and dread new interactions, but since it's the way I gain clients, I had no choice but to develop the skill. As much as I'm an introvert, I could never live in complete solitude. Relationships add meaning to our life
You are definitely not the only one hiding in bathrooms at parties, I’ve done that as well. Or strategically time how much beer I drink, or bathroom breaks, or other coping strategies.
I’m actually an extrovert BUT I live in a country where I don’t speak the local language fluently (I’m still learning), and parties KILL me because I love to socialize but the language and culture barrier make me feel stupid and like I’m constantly misunderstood 😅 I have been in this country 7 years, I have joined many offline and online groups, went to meet ups and I haven’t got any real friends. Now I feel like I’ve become an introvert so I get it. I understand that feeling. Don’t be so hard on yourself! Many of us are going through similar situations
I can talk to people as long as it’s about topics that I know and am comfortable with. I don’t like people asking about my family because I get emotional every time I get asked about my family. I hate the fact that I can’t really control my emotions, I could burst into tears when emotions got built up and it’s too much for me to handle. I hate this so much about myself, I must come up with a solution. And my solution is I just straight up lie, I tell people that my parents passed away many years ago. No one asks about dead people. That really helps me. Sometimes you just have to lie.
Ive been there. Sometimes you have to face your fears and not worry about what people think of you. The best thing is to find people you have similar interests. (if you like hiking, maybe there are hiking clubs..ect). The other thing might be to volenteer in a local charity, temple, ect.
Thanks for sharing. I also hate socialising, very much. Maybe your work has those parties so that, once you get to know each other you will learn to work more efficiently, or be more productive. I think the answer to not wanting to socialise will be difficult to do. The only thing I can think of is a job change, like a trade; Hardwood flooring, Pluming, Electrician... Something like those. It's just you and the job. Very little speaking, just to the customer. I used to do Hardwood flooring. Did that for nearly 20 years. I loved it. I like to work hard and I don't like talking. Now I own a small cleaning business. I had worked with other companies and I don't like how people allow their personal feelings affect their work. It gets in the way of getting the work done. That's all I can think of. Hope you find peace 🙂
could you perhaps tell me what you mean by energy vampires so i could understand a bit more? id like to know so i can have a better understanding of my life
@@zukariexp My understanding is that 'energy vampires' are people who take more than they give - which is basically the larger portion of humanity! For instance, it could be someone who borrows physical items and never gives them back, or someone who takes positive information you give them and never shares it on with anyone else (so the trail of good fortune stops with them). It won't take you long to realize there is someone like that near you, in your workplace.
@@museonfilm8919 i really appreciate the response thanks, i think i understand what you mean now i worked as a dishwasher at a restaurant and the people who i had conversated with at work, some people seemed nice but some people i had been scared to conversate with because of me usually keeping to myself and the way i acted because i knew any non work conversation was gonna be awkward. i would have alot of i think anxiety when working at my job thinking about these and other things and id be scared that if wed have one of these conversations, thad id think it would of been very awkward and id be scared if they were going to talk about me to everyone else i guess. i think i would've liked to make friends but i guess at the time with some of the people i had around me id thought theyd be "energy vampirish" or something. i had been thinking that for me, that if i would have made conversations with people at work and learned to be comfortable that it would make my work life more enjoyable, and alot of times id worried about what id said to people or how ive said it just in conversation and i think that, and some sort of anxiety, is what made me stopped going to my job and i guess i felt more comfortable with that because i was living in my parents house. i actually turned back right when i arrived at my job, i dont even know exactly why but i think part of it was i was just scared of the people. i never really had alot of friends after middle school i just stayed inside, watched videos, and played games all day. i had alot of friends and was waay more outgoing in elementary school but then i transferred to a different one and it wasn't the same since id say. even right now im worried that im talking too much but even if thats the case then id like someone to tell me what im doing wrong so i can learn from it. id wish i didn't feel like i was so awkward so i could feel more comfortable being a host or a server but its just not how it is. i really appreciate the response and i think i wouldn't have figured out some things if it wasn't for you so thank you.
@@museonfilm8919 i appreciate the response thanks, i think i understand what you mean now i worked as a dishwasher at a restaurant and the people who i had conversated with at work, some people seemed nice but some people i had been scared to conversate with because of me usually keeping to myself and the way i acted because i knew any non work conversation was gonna be awkward. i would have alot of i think anxiety when working at my job thinking about these and other things and id be scared that if wed have one of these conversations, thad id think it would of been very awkward and id be scared if they were going to talk about me to everyone else i guess. i think i would've liked to make friends but i guess at the time with some of the people i had around me id thought theyd be "energy vampirish" or something. i had been thinking that for me, that if i would have made conversations with people at work and learned to be comfortable that it would make my work life more enjoyable, and alot of times id worried about what id said to people or how ive said it just in conversation and i think that, and some sort of anxiety, is what made me stopped going to my job and i guess i felt more comfortable with that because i was living in my parents house. i actually turned back right when i arrived at my job, i dont even know exactly why but i think part of it was i was just scared of the people. i never really had alot of friends after middle school i just stayed inside, watched videos, and played games all day. i had alot of friends and was waay more outgoing in elementary school but then i transferred to a different one and it wasn't the same since id say. even right now im worried that im talking too much but even if thats the case then id like someone to tell me what im doing wrong so i can learn from it. id wish i didn't feel like i was so awkward so i could feel more comfortable being a host or a server but its just not how it is. i really appreciate the response and i think i wouldn't have figured out some things if it wasn't for you so thank you.
Hi!!! Yesterday I started watching your videos and I like them a lot. Several years ago I stopped socializing so much, I feel great about being alone. Less people means less problems. Also people are very treacherous. Greetings from Argentina!!!
Hey man. Dont forget that we need each other and even if you dont like someone or find it hard to talk to them. Try to talk with them from your heart instead of the head. What are they actually saying; What do they really mean. Just enjoy the company of someone else. Much love
Many of us have experiences in workplace, school, or professional settings where we have to attend such events. Perhaps, set different goals and expectations depending on the circumstances. Sometimes, I'll just listen or observe. Sometimes, it's practice to get into and out of interactions. Like you, I would rather go home or work on something by myself, but if I have to attend such an event, I try to make the best of it, be civil, and learn something from it. I don't go in with high expectations; so, I'm usually not disappointed with the outcomes.
I think what will help is becoming comfortable with the thought of being uncomfortable. If you understand that you may feel uncomfortable meeting new people and you work through those difficult feelings of anxiety (or whatever else it may be for you), I think you will be making many more friends and will be happier :)
For small talk, I like to talk about how hard it is to small talk, and share that I really enjoy doing x, y, z instead. It can be a good conversation starter.
Perhaps a creative gathering is good for the spirit, a painters group or a gardeners group, or a new hobby may nurture lovely friendships. I really enjoy talking about life in a deeper way and often socialising isn’t about that! It is so good to find people who wish to talk deeply about life and perhaps talking while making things together is a key component. Japanese gardening skill is astonishingly beautiful and brings much joy to all. Gardeners are often deep thinkers too :)
I really empathize with many of the feelings and thoughts you express in your videos. Even though I'm a little younger, my head right now is on a lot of the points you mention. I don't know if it's age or that you are very aware of the reality in which I live.
I would consider myself more of an introvert than extrovert (for my job I have to be extra extrovert since I am a commercial photographer and on set have to be the ring-leader). When people suggest work dinners or socializing I immediately think "how can I avoid attending...". But I would say that once I am at an event I usually can tolerate the experience and I say to myself..."maybe I will be lucky and meet and talk with someone who might give me an insight to something I never would have if I didn't attend.."
*subscribed* glad this channel popped up ! i actually get body pain from inner tension when i have to be fake in social scenarios! I'd rather be with my pets than fake face to humans lol thank you for your earnest content💐
I come from a country where socializing is very easy but it was too much for me (I'm shy and I still am) until traveling and being a foreigner made me see that it is something definitive to survive. Maybe the problem is the repressing environment (Japan?) which is natural because the only quick and effective way to survive is by learning from others. I think that many Western countries have failed in SOCIAL intelligence, perhaps everything can be paid $ but a good conversation can also help save a lot of money.
Everyone is different and that’s ok. Personally I can enjoy a party with strangers, but I can’t stand meaningless conversations at such events. I think I enjoy being entertained 🙂
I totally get this. I like talking to people well enough, but we have to be on real topic. I can't chat about nonsense just for the sake of making small talk. That just drains me
I dislike it very much too but grew to enjoy it as time passed, I was in the military, being the only Chinese in my Australian unit I stood out a lot, I thought people didn’t like what I liked but after talking to them and many other countries military units during joint exercises I found out we are from all walks of life and can start a chat on the most random of things
You are you, that's the sifference between you and the person standing next to you. Life is never meant to be filled with excitement all the time, we have ups and downs. These make us humans.
This explains your previous video about friends. I think forced events for introverts and extroverts are a chore. I think introverts put too much pressure on themselves. I also think people conflate socializing with being the life of the party. You can be social in many ways and at different levels. You don't have to be the center of attention or entertain others. Try going to a place you like or where ex-pats gather to practice low-level socializing. Say hello, ask a question or two then wish them well. As a traveler, I enjoy when natives ask me questions or just want to chat. As for work functions or required events, remember that intentional listening is a form of engagement. Try this: Approach a group of people, say hello to everyone, introducing yourself. Ask if anyone has a suggestion for food/snacks or drinks (even if you already know, just ask to break the ice). Get your item and listen to the conversation or ask a simple question such as "Has anyone tried the newest, popular drink/food?" Or try, "Does anyone have interesting plans for the weekend?" If the conversation is stagnate, hang around for a few minutes then move to another group. You've met the minimum level of socializing without draining yourself. Typically, someone will carry the ball forward so you don't have to worry. Just my thoughts for you.
As an introvert, what has helped w/ meeting people is when there is a specific job to do. If it's an activity-based social event, it's much easier. In my younger days, you could never find me in a night club dancing the night away. But the first time I stepped in one was when I was asked to photograph an event, and I had zero social anxiety walking around that night. If the sole purpose was to meet people and network, it can be terrifying. But even then, a friend once gave me this tip...your job is to talk to one person and get to know them. After that, consider your job accomplished.
I struggle to talk to strangers or work colleagues, especially if we have very little in common. I find it stressful trying to fill the silence with pointless chatter. I really prefer to be at home or with family. You are not alone in your wanting to avoid pointless chatter.
Talkative people and crowds are draining.
Thanks for your comment
for introverts
true sooo true
No way you're here fellowcel
Somewhat so. I can go on monologue if I feel welcomed to do that...
It's my shame if I can't read it.
I used to be shy, but have gone through wiggly road that has taught me multiple ways, at least basics.
I'm not saying I'm any good.
you're not alone 'cause I'm also like that. Whenever there'd be visitors coming over, I'd immediately go to my room and lock myself up until they're gone.😅
I think sometimes "introverts" aren't introverts, but the culture expects to talk about things that don't interest us so there's a lot of pressure to be fake. I had a job interview earlier and I feel like I need a nap because it was so hard for me. It was only 30 minutes. I could talk with someone with similar interests for hours and not feel the same way.
True, thanks for your comment
Same with me!
Totally agree. I’ve been an introvert in many situations but eventually I realized that I was more outgoing in situations where I felt freedom to move around and take a rest and recollect my thoughts
Basically you gotta choose a job that allows you to be your own boss so you don’t have to kiss someone’s ass or you change yourself somehow, or you can do both (what I did)
True. Wish you good luck with the job 🙏🏻
As an introvert, I can empathize with your plight. I put on my headphones to reduce anxiety.
thanks for your comment.
I used to be an extrovert. Life of the party. Over time I changed, until now I’m weary of people, no desire to date or meet anyone, etc. I feel content with a quiet life.
Exactly. I feel you.
Same here!
Same
same here bro. M a complete different person now m 46. In my 20s i was a party animal. now m an introvert. M married tho. with 4 kids. That could be the main reason.
I’m 23. I was a total introvert until last year when something clicked and I become unafraid of talking to people. I spent so many years scared to talk to people that nowadays it feels so good just chatting with random people. I do hate fake conversations though.
I enjoyed these parties in my younger days when drinking and smoking was fun. But now in my 50's with children I would rather be at home ..... hiding in the bathroom.... I Love your talks! I think you are telling some truths few men talk about and helping many men heal!
Hey friend, I'm also an introvert, I rarely go to parties, there are fake people who pretends they are sincere but some may back stab us. I don't have a night life. Office politics at work is a no no! I knew it, I'm not a shy person, I'm confident to myself but socializing to many people is not my habit. I prefer to have one on one conversation to person I like to befriend but not a group. Thanks for a significant content and good morning!
Many people are fake around others. It can be very difficult to find people who are open, honest, and genuine. Most of us that are genuine, rarely meet because we are hiding from the people who are pretending to be something they aren't.
True, thanks for your comment
Lol😂
the thing is every time someone says "honest, genuine," the associations are always positive. it's a good thing people (and natural) put on a performance in public. if everyone acted the way they truly are (whatever that means), you'd never want to leave your house. ever.
heard that ...
So true my friend, thanks for the comment.
The fact it's mandated attendance means at least half of the people there don't actually want to be there. Trying to have a conversation with someone who would rather be somewhere else when you feel the same sounds like a nightmare.
Thanks for your comment
Exactly 😅
You're not the problem.... Live your life and share happiness just with people who you care about.
God bless you!!
This channel showed up randomly to me and i now love it for some unexplainable reason, everyything is so relatable
Me too! I love this man, and his thoughts about life.
I instantly subscribed as I'm drawn by his unfiltered honesty and sincerity, which has become rare on UA-cam these days.
Me Too! Just totally random and I’m watching all his videos. My front UA-cam page is guitars, gangs and pro wrestling so how did this guy show up🤷🏻♂️. It’s awesome!
I have no guilt in telling people that I don't want to go to whatever they have invited me to. "No. I'm just going to stay home, but thanks."
Admire 😎
I never go to those fake events with fake people , pick them up. Just to hear them say horrible things about the character of people
50 years old and still looks like he's in his early 30's! I admire and respect this gentleman.
That’s that Japanese blood my friend
You are like me, I don't really like crowds and big gatherings, that's just me. I actually feel better, eating alone and being alone (most of the time), doing things I like to do myself, living my life I see right. Blessings to everyone to find their peace and love to themselves and others.
Please don’t ever stop talking about yourself. It helps me see my challenges from outside of my body. I appreciate it
thanks for your comment. コメントありがとうございます。
I live in Japan over 25yrs. I don't have a single friend here. I usead to have alot of friends when I was a kid growing up. Never in HS. Joined the US Navy, traveled all over the world and met all kinds of people and experience their culture. Did that for 12yrs and still some what contracting for going on 20yrs. People are changing. Most are liars, two face hypocrites, and they come to you to ask for things, get what they want from you and usually not do the same in return if you needed help. If you feel that deep inside of you, trust your instinct if that person is good to go not peer pressuring to cause you or someone bodily harm,
Thanks for your comment
Hello from Okinawa! Please be encouraged. I have felt that I am an outsider even though my mother is Okinawan. I grew up in USA and I brought my mom in a wheelchair back to Okinawa for her to see home country doctors. Then I met and married a Japanese National and stayed in Japan. I worked on the base for years. Afterwards, off base teaching English and running a preschool. Now, retired and involved with the local Kominkan and Rajyo Taiso. My spouse was involved with JICA and we invited participants to our home for a meal. Many retired military here get involved with local elementary schools, orphanages, or even elderly care facilities. Hope these ideas help. God Bless!
A feeling we can relate to
As we age, building relationships can become a challenge and require more effort. Plus ppl have become weary of even genuine people. Don't give up, there are people looking for authentic connections. Try connecting with people at events you enjoy, you two will have something in common.
When I was a teen, I was hiding in the bathroom at school. When I was a young adult, I was hiding in the bathroom at university. I am now more than 40 years old, and I finally just avoid socializing with strangers whenever I can. I have tried, but I hate it, and I always will.
Your videos are so relatable and you are very likeable. If I were living in Japan, I wish we could sometimes meet after work to play an old SNES game together. All the best to you!
You're so human
Thanks for your comment
Indeed. Thanks, thank you
it's unusual to find someone so honest these days.
I had the same problem, but at school. I used to run away from others because I felt alone with them and I always had nothing to say. I thought I was bad at socializing, but no, I just didn't like talking to them. When you find someone who is respectful and shares the same interests as you, it will be easy to socialize and, trust me, you will enjoy it. The hard part is finding that person, but once you find them, don't let go.
exactly
I appreciate your honesty and candor. It is almost like me opening up to the world.
What never fails for small talk is to ask people about themselves and get them to open up about their life. It shifts the focus on them and you might even learn something interesting from it. People will surprise you if you give them the opportunity.
Very few people actually really listen to other people when they talk. They are just thinking about what they want to say next. Especially Americans, they are so solipsistic and self-obsessed.
I agree but there are a couple of pitfalls to this. 1. Some people, like myself, don't like to talk about themselves, especially in a group setting. 2. When continually asked about themselves, certain people get carried away with their ego, under the impression you think they're incredibly interesting and you'll leave the conversation know everything about them with them knowing nothing about you. It will feel one-sided and empty, almost as if you've only served to allow them to waffle on about themselves.
I do not like small talk because I was raised from a dysfunctional home.
Yes, it’s fine if you’re an introvert and just want to avoid parties altogether but if you have a job which requires socialising or networking it’s not always possible.
Come armed with a half dozen questions - say 3 general questions and 3 questions that are relevant to the context of the social event. If the conversation has dried up after you have asked your 6 questions move on to someone else.
Ideally you don’t need to ask all 6 questions. If there is sufficient common ground for an interesting conversation you will usually find it after one or two questions.
Unfortunately shallow conversations are a part of the human existence, much like taxes and poor food on planes.
Thanks for your comment
Small talk😢
That does not mean we have to participate. We dont.
@@fluffy8835I'm with you. I feel like more people are opting out. I have avoided them a long time and now I will tolerate it for only as long as it does not start giving me a headache and draining me. I will not participate in draining situations but will make an effort to be as social as possible lol.
I am the same way. I only enjoy deep and sincere conversations where we learn something new from each other.
I have had the same friends for over 35 years now and enjoy their company over either brunches or lunches out. However, I also made new friends around 10 years ago by just stopping and complimenting their garden while walking our dog. We had that love of plants in common and it became a good friendship of sharing plants and advice plus looking after each others' houses when we go on vacation. If you have a hobby, join a club and you instantly have something in common.
Trust me when I tell you, it’s BEST to be alone than surrounded by people who know your name but don’t know who you really are. I wasted 10+ years on “friends” who now have countless facts about me to use against me. They were never my friends but I kept keeping them around out of fear of being alone.. now I’m early 30s and wasted my 20s. I can easily make friends, but keeping them is the real issue. When you change and improve and others can’t keep up or accept you, you will remain alone. Thanks for your honesty.
I'm actually hiding in the bathroom right now, as a matter of fact.
Attending parties where you would spend time talking to people you don't care about is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Spending time with only two or three friends close to my heart at a cafeteria or at a restaurant is much better.
I used to be the same when I worked a few years back. I'm older now ( in my 60s), I'm healthy, & full of creativity; for the rest of my life I will devote to doing work that I really enjoy & turning it into income. If I could offer some advice to you - be careful of how you speak & think about yourself - always keep it positive (even when life sucks at the moment) because your thoughts & speech creates your environment. I tried it & it works.
I have always felt the same way. I actually do not have social anxiety, and I am generally very confident when I need to be social. However, I don’t enjoy it because of the reasons you said. It’s empty. The idea of making genuine friends in those environments is pointless. It’s like looking for a girlfriend at a strip club.
I have found a better approach to be more intimate interest-based groups, like books clubs.
Hmmm. You know literally every single stripper/ dancer met her bf/ husband at the club?
@@KristaCarrington That just proves MPAI
One of my favorite quotes is by spiritual teacher, Vernon Howard: "The (mutual) trading of ego-gratification is the basis of most human relations, which uniformed humans call love and unity." I used to be extremely social, but got tired of playing the game. I realized I was much more fulfilled when being alone with myself reading and meditating. Nevertheless, it is hard to completely avoid human interaction and since you have children, you will necessarily set an example for them. Be tolerant. Yes, most people are rather boring, yet it is important to treat everyone with empathy if the cost to you is minimal. Separating from others is much harder and more mentally exhausting than simply accepting them. Being bored never killed anyone. ❤
My father is also a middle-aged Asian professional (we live in Canada), and he is also someone with few friends. At one point he was introduced to this breakfast club (consisting of a group of men having breakfast together before going to work), and he really likes it. To me it doesn’t seem like he has many friends in the club, but of the few friends he does have, he tries to make a genuine effort in learning more about them (what their job is, what their family is like, etc), and it seems to make him feel like he has a deeper bond with them.
That breakfast club sounds amazing. Simple and effective socializing.
I 100% agree, especially work gatherings, which essentially amount to an extension of the work day. As I got older, and after enduring many uncomfortable dinners and parties , I stopped attending altogether.
I think it's good to recognize that one is not good at socializing, rather than trying to do something you don't want to do and are not good at. I am like you, and in my old age i recognize my limitations. Not having friends though, i understand that too.
4:44 As an ambivert who now leans more towards introvertism compared to when I used to lean towards extrovertism before, I've observed that I'm really good at socializing with a few people who seem to match my vibe and wavelength during conversations based on our knowledge, our perspectives, our opinions, our experiences, etc.
I never open my mouth in big groups for sure, but I would also not to go the distance of hiding in a bathroom during parties or social gatherings, and after having immigranted to a new country, I've also realized the value of such gatherings, which used to be so common back home. This is why I only feel comfortable involving with like minded small groups of 4-5 people or with a large group of already familiar people whom I know in and out and vice versa.
I've also observed the reason behind me having grown more silent and numb over time is because it's never a two way conversation in my case, it's always only me listening to them and the other person hijacking what I have to say and talking because a majority of the people only want to talk and never listen to what others have to say, those are the people whom I always recognize in public and try my best to be away from them, conversations are supposed to be a two way street because otherwise you're welcome to see yourself out of conversating with me, I'll be happy minding my own business if you find that rude.
Also rarely at times, I feel like I belong away and separately from a crowd due to having differing interests, due to which I can also make out that people aren't really very eager and interested in what I have to share, fair enough, but there's that.
Narcissistic people are everywhere, only want their side of the story/experiences to be heard.
I appreciate you making these videos. It's interesting to hear some personal experiences from someone whose culture is so different from my own. You are not alone on this particular experience; we are all human after all.
I enjoy hearing what you have to say. Wishing you well, from Rhode Island, USA.
Yes; he comes from a culture that values respectfully listening to others and knowing when to STFU. By contrast, America is a bunch of loud, rude clowns braying at the world and insisting it's my way or the highway.
The only party I like is talking to friends on the mic and online when we play games, sincere friends share hobbies they can relate and we’ve known each other for more than a few years now, know each other birthdays and send gifts online lol ❤ it’s the best! A few of my friends met each other and got married too 🤗
Yep. A lot of people stigmatize online friends. But generally, the people you meet while you play games or engage in hobbies you're interested in online are the ones who you would probably make good friends with irl too.
I noticed lots of people as they age dont like people. They want to be alone. There is so much intrusion in our lives by government and people around us. We are just tired of it.
I'm 41 years old guy from Indonesia, and I can deeply relate with this video. As an introvert & socially-awkward person myself, it's really sad & frustrating that I'm often viewed as "weird" & different from 'normal' people mostly. I also really yearn for good friendships, or even to have a lot of friends. But unfortunately, since I suck really bad at social-skills (& socializing), I often still feel so alone, lonely, & misunderstood often times by people. I have also often felt like I'm ostracized, ignored, & outcast by people. Ironically, on the surface level & from the outside, I might seem to 'have it all', but yet somehow I don't know why exactly that I keep failing & failing over & over again constantly in my life. Honestly, it's very depressing.. Thank you for this sincere & real honest video that I can deeply relate too..
thanks for your comment.
heard. its tough talking to people.
I’m laughing so very hard because this is exactly my personality. I wish you well, friend. 😂
I feel the same as you, those meaningless conversations are draining so much energy. I wish I could just 100% avoid them.
Thanks for your comment
I wouldn’t hide but I would definitely drag it out!!😂. I agree I feel like conversations seem more meaningless than ever. In America we have to avoid talking politics because we are so divided.
@@Erin60147 Americans' favorite topic is "me, myself and I" - a very tiring people to be around.
Before I retired my employer carried out the Myers Briggs personality test on it's employees, which classifies people according to cool blue, earth green, sunshine yellow, and fiery red. Each of these colours represents two key related pieces of information: the individual's outlook on life and the way in which they make decisions. This also impacts the way in which a person is perceived by others. It helped me understand better that different people have different preferences when it comes to socializing and it is best to respect other people accordingly and try and find a middle ground.
Wait how do you find that middle ground is there a rule? I always try my best but i worry sometimes i used to get too open minded and talk for long about something they arent interested in but i carry on hoping they care which they either do or pretend to but really i was speaking to much because i felt bad they had nothing to say also this whole comment i made is a mess im not good at english sorry
@@shanaa3697 The secret is to spend more time listening to people. Some people take a long while to express their internal thoughts. So for those types of people I like to give them more time to speak. When I was younger I had the habit of speaking too much and interrupting people. When there was a quiet moment I felt the need to fill the space which was a reflection of my own insecurity. Hopefully I have got better over time but still make mistakes. Humans are complicated creatures.
I used to work for a Japanese Bank for nine years and would occasionally have to take out Japanese customers for dinner, they were the hardest people to engage into a conversation, has to drag everything out of them which left me exhausted. They probably hated being there just as much as I.
In general it is hard to get any information out of Japanese business people, of course mostly men, they assume that you can guess their thoughts. I also experienced that when working as a headhunter in London, Japanese managers were a nightmare to work with, however, i generally love the Japanese people for their kindness.
I started at a new high school during my last year of school, and during lunch I would go to the bathroom and read.
Eventually, I came out and sat with a group.. But it's interesting that I fondly remember hanging out in a bathroom.
As a huge introvert, I get my energy from being alone. I can sit in my hobbies for hours, daily, and not even have the desire to see another person. However, I also realized that loneliness would still hang over me. It is still not effortless, but I came to the realization that strangers don't have to be strangers.
The first step I took was openly expressing my interests in group settings. Sometimes it was rough, because you go in not knowing how to insert yourself into a conversation. But I listened, a lot. By leaving myself open to that at first, I learned, and I noticed that these strangers were not far from me. If something came up that I knew about, I tried to add to it. Soon, I wasn't just listening, but had people talk about the things they liked and what I liked, and how those things overlapped. For a long time I feared that people only had superficial thoughts and ideas, but that's not everyone. Now those "strangers" I can call friends, all by changing my outlook.
I see myself in you so much. It is nice to see how universal our experiences are.
I used to feel the same way as you do now. I didn't enjoy socializing or having what seemed like pointless chats. But as I've gotten older, my views on socializing have shifted. It's not just about idle talk, but about understanding others. I find it interesting to learn about people's thoughts, experiences, and what shaped them into who they are today.
Don't be worried about it. I am introvert as well. The fact is that everyone is different, so just enjoy the life the way you like to be.
I started leaving parties in my mid-late 20's. I just never enjoyed it. Those weren't the friends I wanted to make. Instead, I went to local gaming stores to play card games, and I loved making those friends.
You've shown off some of the toys that you reviewed, and I don't know if those were things that you enjoyed. But, do you think you would enjoy speaking with someone about hobbies at a hobby shop? Like the model kits you showed, or model trains?
Hobbies like these have always given me a great way to make new friends, and they also give me things to do when I spend time alone. Just a suggestion, and I hope things get better for you!
Thank you for your videos, as a german raised japanese, I'm very glad to get a glimpse / glance how Japan feels from the inside.
As you said, you would like to get in touch with others or meet new friends; the superficial initial conversation might be the necessary as an initial step. This part might be not the nicest experience, but a necessary step to find interesting people as people don't open up their inner thoughts at the first conversation.
thanks for your comment.
Don't take life too seriously, just learn how to relax at the moment no matter what you do !! greetings from Kyrgyzstan !!
Like you I do not enjoy socializing with strangers. I found out why that is, as I was recently diagnosed with aspergers disorder.
I have never hidden in a bathroom. I mostly do what you say you do. Pretend to really enjoy the conversations so the people won't think that I don't like them.
I just avoid going to as many as those situations as I can. If I have to go to one. I try to socialize even though I do not really want to.
The truer reality is that the majority of us would rather be in the bathroom becoming real friends with each other than out there faking with the group. Life is generally lonely outside of family but its always cool to see other people in your situation whom you genuinely would like to support. I think we discredit the beauty of life when we give up on starting over & serving the generations below us who are aching to find a new friend with wisdom we lack as we hope to inspire you with youthful inspiration you may have forgot. We authentic people work so much better as a team, tomodachi.
You're not alone. I've always hated socializing. I grew up being taught that socializing is required if you are going to be a normal human being. People think you are defective if you don't like parties and get togethers. As far as getting new friends, I would not rely on parties or gatherings like you mentioned. I would recommend doing it one person at a time somehow. It's a matter of finding someone who has very similar interests as you. Not just hobbies but 'life' things. Someone with very common ground as you. There may be someone around you that would also like to make UA-cam videos or be a part of that. It would be great if you found someone to make videos with. Wouldn't have to be every video. There's a man that works in my department that I've known for several years. We started to have to work together and I found out he has similar interests as me and he has a wife and child like me. He also hates socializing. We don't hang out together but I consider him a friend. Those party goers have lots of friends but they are superficial for the most part. They enjoy those conversations that you and me find tedious and avoidable. I apologize for the long comment. It's just that your video about yourself described me perfectly.
This is exactly how I am. Small talk is the worst. It feels so pointless. I also feel I wanna make new friends but it’s so hard to find people on the same wavelength and mindset
I find people interesting and I enjoy conversations with strangers. I like to hear their experiences and learn new things. But I also understand avoiding it. You need to be in the right mind space at the moment to socialise
I absolutely understand what you’re talking about. I feel the same way. I am from small European country however I see people feel similar way about stuff just everywhere like pretending enjoyment when you are expected to have that. It’s sad we just can’t be ourselves many times because we would be considered as weird loner or antisocial people.
We’ve been hearing from everywhere to be yourself but many times it’s not possible and we’ve been suffering silently.
I watched this vlog and felt so sorry for you and totally connected to what you were saying - it really hit home for me - personally since covid hit i have come to appreciate myself more rather than the company of others and i love the comfort of my own home and thats where i find my happiness....attending functions are always a stressful thing for me i feel my anxiety rise and if i get a chance i attend i stay for a few minutes so i am seen then i dash out the closest exit - get in the car take a deep breath and say to myself thank god i got out of there
Wow, thanks
I too hate shallow conversation and small talk, yet have a strong desire to connect with others. I wish people were less afraid to be their genuine selves, and be more relaxed and confident in social situations. Closer to the way we behave around our families and real friends. Everyone is so guarded and unsure about each other, worried about appearances, preoccupied with fitting in. I don't need all that stress.
I appreciate the wide spectrum of topics that you are covering these days.
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I was bullied when I was young. So as a result I had social anxiety as teenager. I used to hide in bathrooms and corners when school parties and events where held. Then I slipped home as soon as I could when I felt nobody was looking. It was not until or around my thirties I started to come out of my shell. It was slow steps but today at 51 I actually work in entertainment and host a group of people each week. The first thing I did to get better was to talk about the problem. Just like you are doing in this video. This is a good step because we are all in one way or another afraid of certain things. Being vulnerable and open is the way out. Well done! ....Actually I still stay away from all smoking situations. My parents used to smoke and it affected my health as a kid. So I simply don't like smoking. So you are doing good to stay away from that.. Its. a health decision.
Being a conversationalist is a skill. You don't need this skill of course if you're talking to someone with similar interests that you care about, but when you don't care about the topics it is a lot work and it's draining for an introvert. To me, improving the conversation/social skill is what I'm focusing on so I'm actually getting something out of it. "Oh, so you majored in marketing?" - this stuff is not fun 😂
Thanks for your comment
I feel the same way. I have social anxiety, it’s extra difficult to connect with other people. I felt nowadays people are full of themselves, self absorbed.
I feel the same as you about socializing. I read a good book recently called "Quiet" by Susan Cain. She points out the value of introverts like us in society and our need for solitude. I highly recommend it. Dianne
Just came across your channel, im all the way across the world in toronto and resonate with almost everything you say, (not that i disagree with what your saying) if i had money i would set up some kind of event where i would fly everyone (viewers, subscribers, fellow friends, colleagues, etc) out to a place where we could all get to share our thoughts the conversation would be amazing i dont even have to second guess that. And to answer your question, i wouldnt mind meeting new people at parties or social gatherings. Im not afraid or held back in anyway....but i do have a KEEN eye for fake people and these types of things. I only know this from previous horrible friendships but it has made me eager to replace all those horrible memories with new and fulfilling ones.
Hiding only gives you fake comfort that always leads to loneliness. I always try to talk to others and try to find something we have in common to talk about, something both them and I can get excited to talk about. Ask about vacation plans, travels they have done in their lives, you can even just ask what is something they are looking forward to? Maybe its just a tv show or a sport, but you can try to find something in common that way, and make yourself excited so they match your energy so both have a better time.
Imagine a company event where introverts had to hide in toilets but there're not enough seats.
thanks for your comment.
This is how UA-cam used to be. Just somebody from somewhere talking abort their lives. Thank you for your honesty. 🙂
I’m watching this video after returning from a company celebration in Roppongi Tokyo. I may feel the same way like not going there in the fist place, but I could find joy in observing and listening to people and trying understand their deep story, though that is not common small talk at all. Some may refuse to disclose anything private. As long as you need to go to an office I guess it’s a good way to build relationships. The Alcohol sure helps too.
Like anything, learning to socialize is a skill. You will get better the more you do it. I work as a personal trainer and dread new interactions, but since it's the way I gain clients, I had no choice but to develop the skill. As much as I'm an introvert, I could never live in complete solitude. Relationships add meaning to our life
thanks for your comment.
You are definitely not the only one hiding in bathrooms at parties, I’ve done that as well. Or strategically time how much beer I drink, or bathroom breaks, or other coping strategies.
I’m actually an extrovert BUT I live in a country where I don’t speak the local language fluently (I’m still learning), and parties KILL me because I love to socialize but the language and culture barrier make me feel stupid and like I’m constantly misunderstood 😅 I have been in this country 7 years, I have joined many offline and online groups, went to meet ups and I haven’t got any real friends. Now I feel like I’ve become an introvert so I get it. I understand that feeling. Don’t be so hard on yourself! Many of us are going through similar situations
I can talk to people as long as it’s about topics that I know and am comfortable with.
I don’t like people asking about my family because I get emotional every time I get asked about my family. I hate the fact that I can’t really control my emotions, I could burst into tears when emotions got built up and it’s too much for me to handle. I hate this so much about myself, I must come up with a solution. And my solution is I just straight up lie, I tell people that my parents passed away many years ago. No one asks about dead people. That really helps me. Sometimes you just have to lie.
Same here, discussions about family get me either angry or sad.
Ive been there. Sometimes you have to face your fears and not worry about what people think of you. The best thing is to find people you have similar interests. (if you like hiking, maybe there are hiking clubs..ect). The other thing might be to volenteer in a local charity, temple, ect.
Thanks for sharing.
I also hate socialising, very much. Maybe your work has those parties so that, once you get to know each other you will learn to work more efficiently, or be more productive.
I think the answer to not wanting to socialise will be difficult to do. The only thing I can think of is a job change, like a trade; Hardwood flooring, Pluming, Electrician... Something like those. It's just you and the job. Very little speaking, just to the customer. I used to do Hardwood flooring. Did that for nearly 20 years. I loved it. I like to work hard and I don't like talking. Now I own a small cleaning business. I had worked with other companies and I don't like how people allow their personal feelings affect their work. It gets in the way of getting the work done.
That's all I can think of. Hope you find peace 🙂
Some people are energy vampires. Honestly, i prefer solidarity, reading books, making music and poetry. i can understand where you are coming from.
could you perhaps tell me what you mean by energy vampires so i could understand a bit more? id like to know so i can have a better understanding of my life
@@zukariexp My understanding is that 'energy vampires' are people who take more than they give - which is basically the larger portion of humanity!
For instance, it could be someone who borrows physical items and never gives them back, or someone who takes positive information you give them and never shares it on with anyone else (so the trail of good fortune stops with them).
It won't take you long to realize there is someone like that near you, in your workplace.
@@museonfilm8919 i really appreciate the response thanks, i think i understand what you mean now
i worked as a dishwasher at a restaurant and the people who i had conversated with at work, some people seemed nice but some people i had been scared to conversate with because of me usually keeping to myself and the way i acted because i knew any non work conversation was gonna be awkward. i would have alot of i think anxiety when working at my job thinking about these and other things and id be scared that if wed have one of these conversations, thad id think it would of been very awkward and id be scared if they were going to talk about me to everyone else i guess. i think i would've liked to make friends but i guess at the time with some of the people i had around me id thought theyd be "energy vampirish" or something. i had been thinking that for me, that if i would have made conversations with people at work and learned to be comfortable that it would make my work life more enjoyable, and alot of times id worried about what id said to people or how ive said it just in conversation and i think that, and some sort of anxiety, is what made me stopped going to my job and i guess i felt more comfortable with that because i was living in my parents house. i actually turned back right when i arrived at my job, i dont even know exactly why but i think part of it was i was just scared of the people.
i never really had alot of friends after middle school i just stayed inside, watched videos, and played games all day. i had alot of friends and was waay more outgoing in elementary school but then i transferred to a different one and it wasn't the same since id say.
even right now im worried that im talking too much but even if thats the case then id like someone to tell me what im doing wrong so i can learn from it. id wish i didn't feel like i was so awkward so i could feel more comfortable being a host or a server but its just not how it is.
i really appreciate the response and i think i wouldn't have figured out some things if it wasn't for you so thank you.
@@museonfilm8919 i appreciate the response thanks, i think i understand what you mean now
i worked as a dishwasher at a restaurant and the people who i had conversated with at work, some people seemed nice but some people i had been scared to conversate with because of me usually keeping to myself and the way i acted because i knew any non work conversation was gonna be awkward. i would have alot of i think anxiety when working at my job thinking about these and other things and id be scared that if wed have one of these conversations, thad id think it would of been very awkward and id be scared if they were going to talk about me to everyone else i guess. i think i would've liked to make friends but i guess at the time with some of the people i had around me id thought theyd be "energy vampirish" or something. i had been thinking that for me, that if i would have made conversations with people at work and learned to be comfortable that it would make my work life more enjoyable, and alot of times id worried about what id said to people or how ive said it just in conversation and i think that, and some sort of anxiety, is what made me stopped going to my job and i guess i felt more comfortable with that because i was living in my parents house. i actually turned back right when i arrived at my job, i dont even know exactly why but i think part of it was i was just scared of the people.
i never really had alot of friends after middle school i just stayed inside, watched videos, and played games all day. i had alot of friends and was waay more outgoing in elementary school but then i transferred to a different one and it wasn't the same since id say.
even right now im worried that im talking too much but even if thats the case then id like someone to tell me what im doing wrong so i can learn from it. id wish i didn't feel like i was so awkward so i could feel more comfortable being a host or a server but its just not how it is.
i really appreciate the response and i think i wouldn't have figured out some things if it wasn't for you so thank you.
Hi!!! Yesterday I started watching your videos and I like them a lot. Several years ago I stopped socializing so much, I feel great about being alone. Less people means less problems. Also people are very treacherous. Greetings from Argentina!!!
Hey man. Dont forget that we need each other and even if you dont like someone or find it hard to talk to them. Try to talk with them from your heart instead of the head. What are they actually saying; What do they really mean. Just enjoy the company of someone else.
Much love
Thanks
Many of us have experiences in workplace, school, or professional settings where we have to attend such events. Perhaps, set different goals and expectations depending on the circumstances. Sometimes, I'll just listen or observe. Sometimes, it's practice to get into and out of interactions. Like you, I would rather go home or work on something by myself, but if I have to attend such an event, I try to make the best of it, be civil, and learn something from it. I don't go in with high expectations; so, I'm usually not disappointed with the outcomes.
I think what will help is becoming comfortable with the thought of being uncomfortable. If you understand that you may feel uncomfortable meeting new people and you work through those difficult feelings of anxiety (or whatever else it may be for you), I think you will be making many more friends and will be happier :)
For small talk, I like to talk about how hard it is to small talk, and share that I really enjoy doing x, y, z instead. It can be a good conversation starter.
Perhaps a creative gathering is good for the spirit, a painters group or a gardeners group, or a new hobby may nurture lovely friendships.
I really enjoy talking about life in a deeper way and often socialising isn’t about that!
It is so good to find people who wish to talk deeply about life and perhaps talking while making things together is a key component.
Japanese gardening skill is astonishingly beautiful and brings much joy to all. Gardeners are often deep thinkers too :)
I really empathize with many of the feelings and thoughts you express in your videos. Even though I'm a little younger, my head right now is on a lot of the points you mention. I don't know if it's age or that you are very aware of the reality in which I live.
You spoke out what a true introvert would like to do, staying in the bathroom at a work party and I did too
That toilet thing even I've done. Forget about office I've done it in my family events😂
Sometimes it is through the awkward small talk that you find a real connection with people you were looking for all along.
I would consider myself more of an introvert than extrovert (for my job I have to be extra extrovert since I am a commercial photographer and on set have to be the ring-leader). When people suggest work dinners or socializing I immediately think "how can I avoid attending...". But I would say that once I am at an event I usually can tolerate the experience and I say to myself..."maybe I will be lucky and meet and talk with someone who might give me an insight to something I never would have if I didn't attend.."
İn Japan, 80% of staff hate nomikai and forced socializing.
I'm the same way, socializing is exhausting
True
*subscribed* glad this channel popped up ! i actually get body pain from inner tension when i have to be fake in social scenarios!
I'd rather be with my pets than fake face to humans lol thank you for your earnest content💐
I come from a country where socializing is very easy but it was too much for me (I'm shy and I still am) until traveling and being a foreigner made me see that it is something definitive to survive. Maybe the problem is the repressing environment (Japan?) which is natural because the only quick and effective way to survive is by learning from others. I think that many Western countries have failed in SOCIAL intelligence, perhaps everything can be paid $ but a good conversation can also help save a lot of money.
Your UA-cam channel is one of my most favorite UA-cam channels I have ever found. I have been on UA-cam for about 17 years.
Everyone is different and that’s ok. Personally I can enjoy a party with strangers, but I can’t stand meaningless conversations at such events. I think I enjoy being entertained 🙂
I totally get this. I like talking to people well enough, but we have to be on real topic. I can't chat about nonsense just for the sake of making small talk. That just drains me
I dislike it very much too but grew to enjoy it as time passed, I was in the military, being the only Chinese in my Australian unit I stood out a lot, I thought people didn’t like what I liked but after talking to them and many other countries military units during joint exercises I found out we are from all walks of life and can start a chat on the most random of things
Thanks for your comment
You are you, that's the sifference between you and the person standing next to you. Life is never meant to be filled with excitement all the time, we have ups and downs. These make us humans.
Ive been reclusive, now hiding and avoiding everything.
Wow, that may be the beat
Best
@@askjapan9669 I think, in Japan, this is a growing phenomenon kikikuru? Never going out.
This explains your previous video about friends. I think forced events for introverts and extroverts are a chore. I think introverts put too much pressure on themselves. I also think people conflate socializing with being the life of the party. You can be social in many ways and at different levels. You don't have to be the center of attention or entertain others. Try going to a place you like or where ex-pats gather to practice low-level socializing. Say hello, ask a question or two then wish them well. As a traveler, I enjoy when natives ask me questions or just want to chat. As for work functions or required events, remember that intentional listening is a form of engagement. Try this: Approach a group of people, say hello to everyone, introducing yourself. Ask if anyone has a suggestion for food/snacks or drinks (even if you already know, just ask to break the ice). Get your item and listen to the conversation or ask a simple question such as "Has anyone tried the newest, popular drink/food?" Or try, "Does anyone have interesting plans for the weekend?" If the conversation is stagnate, hang around for a few minutes then move to another group. You've met the minimum level of socializing without draining yourself. Typically, someone will carry the ball forward so you don't have to worry. Just my thoughts for you.
Wow, thanks
I respect your humility brother.
Wow, thanks
As an introvert, what has helped w/ meeting people is when there is a specific job to do. If it's an activity-based social event, it's much easier. In my younger days, you could never find me in a night club dancing the night away. But the first time I stepped in one was when I was asked to photograph an event, and I had zero social anxiety walking around that night.
If the sole purpose was to meet people and network, it can be terrifying. But even then, a friend once gave me this tip...your job is to talk to one person and get to know them. After that, consider your job accomplished.
I struggle to talk to strangers or work colleagues, especially if we have very little in common. I find it stressful trying to fill the silence with pointless chatter. I really prefer to be at home or with family. You are not alone in your wanting to avoid pointless chatter.