Strong emotions trigger speech loss episodes for me. Showing love and affection is very difficult and emotionally intense for me, so despite being mostly verbal in my day to day life, I almost exclusively express affection through non-verbal communication. Before my parents threw away my seaglass collection as a child, one of my favorite ways to show love was to sift through my collection for the most beautiful, interesting looking piece of glass, and offer it as a gift. For me, sharing a piece of sea glass was a HUGE display of love because I was deeply emotionally attached to my collection. Each piece was hand plucked from my grandparents' private beach and I only collected the most interesting looking pieces. When loved ones don't bother learning my love language, they often express how emotionally distant I feel. But for those who take the time to learn it, they often feel like they are drowning in my love.
I've always given gifts of things precious to me I never thought of it as me expressing how big my love is. We would stay at the beach and I would find the best most interesting shells, stones, tiles, glass from the beach and give them to my family 😊💜💜
I had a sea glass collection too, you just reminded me how I also gifted my best ones. Mine got swallowed up by a hoarder basement:’) May we find a million cool pieces of sea glass as adults
My dad handed me a rock he found and thought looked super cool. He asked me to keep it as a pet rock. The rock lives in the small sand box garden on my desk with the 3d printed frog figures my boyfriend painted me. ❤ This video is perfect thank you
My daughter was nonverbal until she was 7. We had a little bit of sign language we used around the house in order to communicate with her until she found her words. Now she never shuts up, but it's still music to my ears even though she's an adult.
One of my best friends once taxied all of my (dirty) clothes to his house to wash and dry them for me. Pretty much every item of clothing I owned at that point in several bin bags Same friend once sent me money to get home when I got stranded in London Same friend once sent me a takeaway to my flat at 1am when I'd just had a breakup We're both late dx adults and I am forever greatful, they're the model of what a good friend is to me ...And she's not trying to get in my pants lmao 😆
@@amarinegripond1915 The great thing about music and movies and books, etc, is that it's something that you get to "keep", in that you still get to enjoy the media whenever you want with your own copy. But you can also "give it away", in that the other person has the same access to it as you do, often with a physical object that represents the media.
This video helped me connect the dots on why my executive functioning is so much worse since my husand passed away. Not only did I lose my best friend and my sweetheart I lost my body double! He would be sitting there on the couch watching nascar or doing a car model and I would putter around doing laundry or dishes or whatever and swing by for a quick smooch or lap sit and then cycle back around to a task. I knew how much I missed the affection but I just now realized today how not having him as my body double has affected me just as much. Sorry for the wall of text, but it also made me think of my toxic first marriage and how my mother in law suggested I may get more done while her son was at work and I tried to explain that it was tougher for me. She then implied that I could only do tasks "if I had an audience." If I'd had the term and concept "body doubling" way back then it might have helped to explain, but I wasn't even diagnosed with my ADHD back then, let alone something a bit "spicier." Thank you for your channel and your kind heart.
I'm a neurotypical wife of a high masking autistic man, newly understood, and your videos are the only ones that are helpful to me without pissing me off. _Your_ videos inspire me and explain behaviors in a way that is _helpful_ not infuriating. I found "parallel experience," "body doubling," and "words of encouragement," particularly helpful in our case. I doubted any video on autism would "melt my heart," but you made good on your promise, thank you!
You know, I have masked so hard all my life I find it hard to put into words what I like exactly, but parallel activity is certainly high on my list. I sometimes have to fight to spend parallel time with folks because some of my friends get nervous when things don't go to plan or others don't join in. All I am saying is, I am just happy to be somewhere with my friends.
Same. My wife believes that a desire for parallel time is a sign of emotional immaturity and has been trying to call me out on it for our whole 20 years of marriage. It's only in the past few months that I've started to find words to describe why it's so meaningful and important to me.
I send memes, share snacks, make snacks, research their questions/issue, and pebble. I dislike strong displays of affection and until my recent adult diagnosis I was under the impression that I was doing the romance wrong lol
I do "pebbling" when I buy groceries- I call it buying treats. Usually it's just a small snack that I know my sibling will like. She also struggles to feed herself because ADHD. It's not a proper meal, but I want her to know that I'm always thinking about her when I'm out and about.
I'm so glad that you wrote this. I'm the ADHDer in a similar relationship dynamic with an autistic person and she always does this for me. It was always appreciated but with this additional context it's even more heartwarming
I'm not a fan of physical contact, so I reversed that one in my head. By NOT touching me and maintaining a respectful distance, even when it would make sense to be physically comforting (like when I'm crying) - that is a sign that they know and love me.
I know it was a throwaway comment of yours, but sueded microfiber cloths have been a game changer for me! The regular kind are atrocious. And I'd def. be interested in a video on self-care during meltdowns
Oh dear god, those sticky-grabby microfiber cloths...!!! 😖 Just thinking of them is like fingernails on a chalk board. The lovely soft suede-y ones shouldn't even be called the same thing. Lol.
I once gifted to my ex a spiny dye-murex's shell (type of a sea snail) painted in red nail polish. I really liked the feeling of putting my finger in the smooth shell and touching the spikes afterwards. It was my favourite shell and I had spent so much time painting it. I also thought it had a special metaphorical meaning, representing me and my love, soft on the inside and spiky on the outside. 😅 After seeing his wtf face I didn't even bother to explain haha I just thought I'm crazy and weird. That's before I found about my autism. This video and the comment section make me feel understood, definitely less weird. ❤
My ways of showing love is info dumping or sharing info peeps they show interest in. My AuDHD teens and I refer to memes all the time, and dad jokes from me (being a single mom, who loves woodworking and fixing things in the moments of free time). When I send messages to the kiddies it’s followed by a meme that explains the subject. I strive to be involved and understand them, by proxy I have learnt so much about my late diagnosed Autistic (self diagnosed ADHD) personhood.
My friends and I love to hold hands and apply pressure as signs of affection. I find the feeling of skin and weight is nice and playing with someone’s hand or just cuddling is a great way to still be connected even when not talking or doing anything. A few of us are autistic, including me. I know physical touch can be difficult for a lot of people and I only do it with close friends. :33
Understanding how our autistic brains work elevated my marriage 😊 Parallel play, happy stimming together, engaging in our special interest together - we do this more often and it is pure delight ❤
I use blue hearts for friends, and purple ones for my partners. This distinction is very important. I have trouble showing my interests too openly with people if I'm not sure will 'approve' of them - Going most of my life having them disregarded will do that, i suppose. But my partners have been very encouraging and even -insistent- that i share with them lol. Parallel play/existing is also great. Oftentimes we'll just be chilling in discord, doing our own things, and just talking when it strikes us. I have a 'pebble' I've been waiting to give once i can move up with them in a couple months too. I would definitely watch a meltdown self care video - I've never really known what to do after them and sort of just try to get back to what i was doing before, while being mentally exhausted
If it was not for a text based game, I would never have met my husband on Old East Road, to rescue a hobbit in distress! Tonight I was going through a bunch of music videos on UA-cam and invited him in to share some with me. I am happily autistic, my husband does not want the diagnosis. It is enough for us to know that we are who we are. Though sometimes, I want to pound my head (literally) when our AuDHD brains collide on different trajectories. 🧡 Thanks for the video!
I'd love to be the friend who sends "I'm thinking about you!" messages when far away, but I actually hardly ever think of my friends when they're not present because I'm just doing my thing living my life 🫤 I'm the "helping friend" tho, I'd do anything for them if they're in need, and they know they just need to let me know.
Thanks for teaching me about autistic pebbling! I have done it my whole life without knowing about it. Actually I love it to pebble my toddler girl with little nature treasures ... Because she understands and shares my "joy and comfort" with these small things 🥹🥰
As someone who hypersensitive to textures above all else I adore the feeling of smooth cold metal. I really struggle when things are bumpy or uneaven in texture to the point that I can feel individual threads in for example a cloth of clothing items. When I was young I found a flint rock with a completly smooth side that I keept for nearly 6 years until a bully threw it out a window. But really soft and fluffy textures are also welcome,which is why I love my stuffed animals
3:00 I can highly recommend sign language. My partner and I regularly use the BSL for "I love you" which we picked up from watching Something Special. It's handy in so many situations, not just when I'm overwhelmed and speaking would be too much but also when I'm listening to something and stopping it to speak would be a frustrating experience.
Kindness. Community. Humanity. Sitting and sharing a smoke and a talk with unhoused people has helped me stop several meltdowns in progress. Gaining perspective, shared trouble, shared humanity, getting out of my spiraling mind and sharing the moment with another human, my neighbor without a roof - struggling and seemingly alone, misheard, misseen, just missed. Doing so, I have come to know some folks by name, and am counted a safe and friendly neighbor by them as well. And this feels good. I live in a city with too many opportunities to take this action. One of the many reasons I have meltdowns these days. Anyway, this blessing is real for my neighbor and me when I stop to share those moments, with or without a meltdown. The reminder that we all struggle is a very humanizing thing. I think this may be some 4D chess-level body doubling on my part, but it feels like a natural instinct that checks much needed boxes for me - See the opening list. In the giving, I am receiving. ♾ Thank you for the thought provoking and loverly video.
My perhaps most important love language is effort with thoughtfulness. Expensive gifts or grand gestures with no thought of me as a person or perhaps our relationsship, will not impress me, and i will not express love this way myself. Or gifts that are only convienient for the giver are also bad. A pretty rock given in effort to share their heart and deepen our connection is love, or taking time to know the others prefferences or interests. Or thoughtfull communication from someone, who doesn’t find expressing oneself easy perhaps. Its really allways the reason behind giving or doing something that to me makes it a love language, but generally showing care and interest.
That last tip is very important for me. I've always felt a great desire to help others, make a positive difference in their lives, but was rarely able to do it in the past due to gaps in communication with my family, and them mainly expecting acts of service from me. Just over the last few years I've been finding out how good and impactful it can be to be there for my friends in other ways, and how much it helps me in turn.
I love your presentation style and accent! As a British person in Germany, have you noticed how criticism can be a love language there? I am native German, in the UK for 20+ years, and I realised recently I only criticise people when I care enough about them to want them to succeed and get things right, and to not fail or embarrass themselves. As Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory put it "if a summer in Germany has taught me anything, it's that brutal honesty is its own kind of love." (Young Sheldon, season 7) and "When I criticise people I lift them up." (from the "adult" BBT series) Seen by NT viewers probably as just as another annoying know-it-all trait, I can really see the truth in that. Can anyone relate?
That's a lovely video and it made me think of all the relationships that worked out well in my life. The friends that I exchange memes with daily, my partner taking up jobs to reduce my cognitive load and the numerous rocks and sticks my son and my niece have given me 😊 I feel loved 💚
Lovely Video Mike, cool pebble too. I cannot touch Micro fibre at all it's awful.... Makes me shiver thinking about it and if i even hear it catch on someone else's fingers it puts a shiver right through me. Lots of beautiful art work. The kittens say meow to Hydra. 😊
🤎 Thank you, Mike! I've wanted a video about love languages when it comes to autistic folks for a while, but it's become rather pertinent to life recently. Again, thank you 💜
You're the best! This is what I love about my friends - it’s a great way to show you’re thinking about someone and also a great way to help share the burden of troubleshooting a problem, too.
Thank you for this. I couldn't fully explain why I felt betrayed inseparate incidents recently, only comprehended after they passed. I decided to distance myself from few people because they couldn't be direct and honest. Instead they chose to waste my time and energy. Another was a friend who did not practice active listening when I shared my problem, yet I'm expected to listen to hers while my heart wasn't in it. Least I know how I wanted to be 'loved', adjust my expectations or communicate my needs accordingly, if they're worth my company.
18:46 a personal insight I can give is that its not the routine as much as it is the predictability. Essentially it all comes down to plan, vs not my plan. I think the autistic mind really gets set on planning things in advance, goals and how to achieve them. That being broken can be very distressing, even for a neurotypical person, but you know, sensory issues, so that's more intense. So basically you have a plan of any kind (not just a routine) then you get a sudden thing sprung on you, yeah that's gonna be an issue.
Whats weird is I relate to all of this except for light touch If someone rubs me lightly it puts me into a trance. Its a lot like rocking un my rockung chair. It helps me think and relaxes me more anything. But if someone doesnt rub me at the right speed or they do the same area it drives me nuts and then irritates me. Anyone else experience anything like this?
Yes, my spouse doesn't like anything rubbing or lightly touching in the same place for very long either. His skin is very sensitive to so many things. He can't stand hats, watches, belts or rings. Sometimes I laugh and tease him that I'm lucky he wears clothes at all. He's sensitive to chemicals in the pool, and salt in saliva. It's hard to know what to do for the ND when the sensitivities seem to completely overwhelm.
@@Herbs2oils Tell me about it. I've been in this old farmhouse for the last 2 years and it's filled with mold, dust, dirt and mites. Thankfully I'm finally moving in 9 days to a much better place because it's like being tortured 24/7. On a good day I sleep 5 hours but rarely sleep over 2 hours. On top of all that I'll be hot one second and freezing my ass off the next.
My 16 year old son is autistic and nonverbal. He will have me sit next to him, and pets my back. He also sometimes will hold my face nicely, and he just studies my face for minutes. Just stares at me. I always wonder what he is thinking ❤
When I was growing up, people weren't much aware I connected best with people I had a shared interest with (mostly Star Trek at the time) and usually, they're on the spectrum too!
My couch is made from microfiber because I've had real bad experiences with my skin touching leather and when my nails rub on anything low thread my spine feels like it got struck by lightning.
I always have hated encouragement and praise. I think it's because I am always brutally honest with myself about what I can or can't do, etc, and I do not attach my sense of self worth to those things. If I have a 80% chance to succeed at something, "encouragement" is trying to make me delusional about my chances of success. How am I supposed to properly weigh the effort/outcome and make good decisions? If I were to believe you, you'd be sabotaging me, not helping me. If I do or don't succeed it doesn't make me more or less deserving of praise, or in need of reassurance. I already knew going in that failure was possible. It's going to happen here and there and it's just part of the process. It seems so absurd to hinge one's feelings on that. (And yes, I understand why people offer that, I just know it's a poor way to arrange one's self and make decisions.)
"You're wrong but I like you, too" is something I say a lot when people are trying to encourage me. Ultimately it's a bit of love they're trying to share with you, not sabotage. You don't have to believe in what they say. Believe in how they feel.
We lived in Germany for 3 years, and my problem with the language was that I have a profoundly good knack for mimicry, and this was not the best thing all the time, because it created a situation where the small amount of German I did know was pronounced in a way that made me sound far more fluent, and people would start flinging rapid strings of speech at me and would get confused by my wide-eyed stare of embarrassment before being told that I didn't understand. It happened over and over again. 😅😂
My ex-bestie and I sometimes communicated in the ways you are describing here. I’m convinced she was/is also AuDHD-PI, but not twice-exceptional; more learning-disabled, like my daughter. We went through a period in our 20’s (so ~15-20 years ago) where she methodically reacted to subjects I would bring up with “Do we REALLY have to talk about this?” or “Do we REALLY have to talk about this NOW?”, until there were hardly any topics left for me to bring up; certainly nothing I found interesting and important. As a result of this, I had no idea how she or her parents thought or felt about LGBT+ issues (just one of many, MANY topics), and apparently, her mother, who was always kind to me, is, in fact, a raging homophobe. So, when I asked my (ex-) bestie “Are you straight?”, assuming it would be okay after 30 years of friendship, I apparently set off some kind of nuclear device. As far as I can tell, her mother decided I’d “destroyed her self-confidence” by pointing out she’d never been on a date (I was NOT mean about this; it ended up being stated plainly via text; any meanness detected was put there by them), and went on a mini-(text, using her daughter’s phone) rant about how disabled her daughter is (and of course the assumption is I’m not, because I was never allowed to discuss anything serious for literal DECADES), which I interpreted as “you tricked her into thinking she might not be cis/het via power of suggestion!!! 😡😡😡”. It was horrible, and I’m still sad about it, but at the same time, how is it a friendship if we can only talk about fun stuff she and her parents did or are going to be doing? I couldn’t even talk about happy things in my life without making her jealous! If only we could have talked about real, serious things as needed… but she wouldn’t allow it. 😞
I understand. Married for 24+ years to ND spouse. I have a daughter with OCD/depresion bi-polar issues, and after a particularly bad meltdown I was informed we couldn't talk about anything that might be potentially incendiary to her emotions. That was nearly everything except the weather. We haven't really spoken since, and it's been nearly two years. My ND spouse has pulled back too, and we can no longer talk about several topics (which have been important to me). As an NT, I'm finding this very difficult to navigate, yet still trying. It is difficult to balance the pain of rejection with their need to feel safe and not overwhelmed. It just usually ends up muzzling me, and not solving anything.
1. Adding a summary here of them would be super helpful if you can!! 2. I’d love to see you do a video on meltdown self care, I struggle with this both with myself and with others- thanks 😊
I noticed a lot of nudibranch art in your room. I love nudibranches too. They're so colorful and fascinating, especially that one that can use photosynthesis 😊 I love marine invertebrates like sephelopods, crustaceans, and mollusks. Especially if they're colorful or have something super unique about them.
Yes - doing their own things 😅. We have quite different "special" interests. Not much to share about. But we are so happy just sitting in the same room and doing our own things, just occasionally exchange a word (that word may not even have any particular meaning - it's rather a test of sound - are you still in that good mood). You don't have that pressure on your mind as with other people who might feel awkward because of silence and their awkward feeling is making you uncomfortable. We are just fine being there.
wow, somebody else who gets it. thats right. just wanted somebody there in the same space without interacting. same when was trying to pack and sort, i wasn’t asking packing or sorting help (in fact it might have been harmful if someone were to intrude and help at that time) but simply to have somebody there in the room. could not get people to get that. btw: nice surroundings. love her art work!!! 💗
Thank you Mike! Very very helpful and so insightful! Yes, I would enjoy a video on meltdowns and shutdowns in autistic adults, especially to show non-autistic loved ones so that they can better understand and support Autists. What is the difference between the two? What are some examples of real-life presentations (perspective of onlookers) of both in autistic adults? How do they describe their own lived expierience (perspective of the Autist)? Is one of the the two more common in a specific gender? Is there a gender-specific difference in presentation of a melt- and/ or shutdowns? What are some common signs (and less known ones) of melt- and shutdowns that others can pick up on and how can they support an autistic adult or help them recognize their own signs of overwhelm (as many don't themselves before it's too late) to prevent a melt- or shutdown - in a respectful and dignified manner, especially in group settings? And the Dos and Don'ts immediatly before, during and after a meltdown and those specific to shutdowns... What are practical examples of the must-Dos, the can-Dos and the most-helpful-Dos? And anything else you find important or wish everyone knew about 🧡
Very curious to this because it’s similar to the three types of empathy and supposable issues. People have with the double empathy, problem, and understanding love languages.
I do. I need help understanding what they are, @DWSP101. I often miss when someone is flirting with me, and I have no clue how to do it. To me, a love language would be people consistently being honest, loving, and supportive. It would be being able to count on someone.
I've never heard much about body doubling. But it makes sense. Since I moved out to live by myself, I don't really do anything anymore. My very intense focus mostly disappeared, and I wasn't expecting that at all. Having UA-cam videos in the background helps, but not quite enough. Memes have been my main distance-communication ever since it became a thing. And the people who never understood my point with any pictures, I sadly slowly lost touch with. But I don't really know what else to do or say, to keep a relaxed ongoing connection with someone I never automatically see in person.
The car detailing channels I watch seem to think there's such a thing as soft microfibre towel, but all the ones I've grabbed were harsh and they tried to cling to the texture of my hand prints. They didn't feel nice at all. Certainly not like the nice soft feeling of the wool of a high quality lambskin, or the smooth feeling of my merino wool suit. Even worn out denim feels better than a microfibre towel!
I tend to use gloves (some old diving dry gloves - they're like marigolds/rubber gloves) when washing the car. Can't stand the grippy scratchy microfibre esp around my fingertips!
@@Autistic_AF I see that there are a few of us who dislike it for the same reason. I wonder if neurotypicals have the same experience of them, or if they wouldn't notice it. 🤔
My sister is obsessed with figurines. I'm pretty sure she has the biggest collection of Funko Pops in existence. For her birthday this year I ordered her a custom Funko Pop...of herself! I had a blast designing it and I really hope she likes it. 🎉
I love to share interests with others; I am not, and never have been, a water cooler chatterer. Talking with a friend and putting the world to rights is something I enjoy. Yes, certain rhetorical devices will make me melt in the same way that others might upon seeing a heartthrob. For instance, there is a wonderful line at the end of a Doctor Who episode: 'Brandish the gravity stanchions!' The assonance nearly sent me nuts. I also love to share music, books and do parallel activity. Don't be in the room and not do anything, though, as I cannot work at all while being watched. I, like you, cannot stand the feel of insects. A most thought-provoking topic as I'd not considered this sort of thing until recently.
I enjoying sharing information with other. A couple of my friends love Hare and so so excited to share a beautiful story with them in " The Guardian " this week. So sharing with the community ( with so many sharing a love and passion for Wildlife, Nature and the Animal Kingdom) Mike with Cats, Nudibranchs, Sealife and Peacock. The title of the article is..... I was addicted to a high-pressure job when a baby hare came into my life. My own bit of true joy this weekend was to see, people have found a way to be in harmony with the Austrialian Magpies, My passion all Corvids.
@@Autistic_AF Oh my goodness they certainly are. Chaos may rain but its certainly a happy one, that truly keeps you on your toes. It's like sharing your life with a flying 7 year old., who also can be as wise as an ancient. Yes the Ginger Cat and Crow hilarous, and worth another look. The one that come to mind, is the Crow feeding a Cat and Dog........ Bird feeds Cat and Dog, also Crow steals Cats food to feed the Dog. Martha (Jackdaw) Having been released a while back ( now I always have to have my bedroom window open, shine, rain or cold) woke me up this morning tapping my finger. She is also boss of Thelma and Lou Lou my Perrrrrrfect Beings. Sorry Mike passion issues and I run on and on and on..............
Memes, listening, patience... I like to keep a big bag of Twix candy so I can offer some if someone is having a bad day... understanding that I might not see things the same way as other people but I can still learn from them.
My partner and I pebble all the time. I brought them one home after a walk the other day, and they said with great joy, “thanks for thinking of me and bringing me a crushed fruit pit!”
I am a pebbler. I didn't always know that's what I was doing. I am very thoughtful while also having limited financial resources & I always thought it was more valuable to put thought & effort into what I give someone rather than how much money was spent or what exactly it is. I once gave someone (an adult friend) a couple packets of their favourite cigarettes at Christmas (I know those are terrible & I wish they'd stop smoking but it's still their choice). Another year I got them the largest canister I could find of their favourite coffee & a package of their favourite chocolates that have become increasingly more difficult to find. They greatly appreciated the thought behind the gift, which made me feel good about it and they often give a lot of thought into things they pick up for me also. For me it is very rare to find anyone willing to be as thoughtful as I am & they are they most genuine friend I have ever had.
I remember talking about special interests to people I wanted to be close with as a kid (and adult) and being told in no uncertain terms that they didn't share my interest and that I should zip it. What's wrong with saying "I'm glad you enjoy ... so much!" or "It makes me happy to see you so enthusiastic about X"? I always try and distinguish between being happy something makes the other happy, without misleading them to think I have the exact same interest.
3:00 Yes, learning some sign language can be useful in a lot of situations. But please be aware that Makaton is a set of signs used primariliy in the UK, adapted from BSL signs. Each community around the world has its own sign language. In the UK, the main sign language is British Sign Language (BSL), and in the US and much of Canada it is American Sign Language (ASL), in Japan in Japanese Sign Language (JSL), in Quebec it's Quebec Sign Language (LSQ), and so on. Please don't deny yourself an accommodation that makes life easier for you, even if you are not deaf. Culturally Deaf people, and anyone with any issues with hearing, auditory processing, or using any other channel of communication - whether they can hear or not - is more than welcome to use signs and sign languages anytime that they prefer it. I have seen some people write that they're concerned that they shouldn't sign because it's appropriating someone else's culture. But a actually, the more people who sign, the more accessibility there is for everybody who signs. So just be free to communicate. But if you want to be understood in your location, please be aware that you should learn your local signs and sign languages. For those of you in ASL regions, I highly recommend online resources by Dr. Bill Vicars. He has a UA-cam channel (Bill Vicars), and more resources at his website, Lifeprint dot com. Practice signing in the mirror so you can become skilled at how it feels in your body and how to read someone else signing to you, go to local deaf community events if you can. (If it's a performance event with music, and you get over stimulated by loud sounds, you may want to wear earplugs.)
I was floored by your comment of "appropriating someone else's culture" in regard to sign language. That thought process never crossed my mind, very eye-opening. I've been learning Spanish to better speak with my neighbors, and to be able to research Mexican Catholic records as I find my son-in-law's family history - and gaining this skillset isn't thought of that way. I'm just gob-smacked! Anyway, I taught basic sign language to my children as babies so they could communicate with me. Babies learn it so quickly, long before their tongues pick up useful speech. I thought if I helped them through the non-verbal moments, they would be less frustrated. It worked beautifully. I didn't have nearly the tantrums with my kids that my friends had to wrestle with. I'm so grateful for sign language and the broadening of horizons that comes with being able to communicate with others more freely, in their own tongue (so to speak).
@@Herbs2oils To be clear, I don't believe that learning a language is appropriating a culture. I meant that I have seen some people write online that they are afraid that they are not allowed to sign -- even though it would be a form of communication accessibility for them personally due to disability factors such as autism, auditory processing problems, situational mutism, etc. -- because they are not Deaf. Points for trying to think of others and power dynamics and stuff, but to me personally it doesn't make sense to deny yourself communication accessibility, nor to prevent communication in the language that's most accessible for other people, including deaf people. Seek out members of your local culturally Deaf community to find out whether the community objects to you signing. My prediction is no. EDIT: The situation that's much more important to reflect on power dynamics right now is this: Now that so many people have easy access to filming themselves and putting it online, there are many people who are not fluent in their Deaf community's sign language nor its culture who post things online to "teach sign language." Many Deaf people find this culturally disrespectful, especially if the unqualified person is charging money to misrepresent their language and culture. (And learning incorrect signs and incorrect cultural information doesn't help anyone.)
@@Herbs2oils Also, I'm so glad your family benefitted from using sign language when your children were babies. It's true, children's brains are usually able to use language several months before their speech anatomy is developed enough to speak, so having an alternate communication channel that's accessible to them can remove that communication barrier. Ironically, while hearing families learn that sign language helps their hearing children, it's very common in the US for medical professionals to tell hearing parents not to use sign language with their newly diagnosed deaf babies. Under the uneducated assumption that signing would interfere with learning the spoken/written language. But in many cases, even if the child uses hearing aids or cochlear implants, this can lead to language deprivation (lack of access to accessible language), which greatly impacts child development, family bonding and inclusion. I hope that these days, more hearing parents are exposed to the idea that sign language benefits babies and their families, so they are able to consider that information even after some professional tells them that deaf/hard of hearing babies shouldn't be allowed to sign. All communication methods and languages that work well for a child are good choices. But accessibility is key, so that each individual has the fullest possible access to communication, both in terms of personal expression and comprehension of others. Okay I'll step off my infodump soapbox for now. (Providing access to information is one of my highest values and love languages as an AuDHD person.) But for anyone who's interested in learning more, hopefully I've given you some rabbit hole search terms. :)
My love language is definitely trying to find solutions for people’s problems. It comes from a place of love and care, and I’m lucky that my ND friends understand me and how I work. My ADHDer partner and I decided today that I am like an enthusiastic robot (probably animated by Pixar), wheeling up to him and holding a possible solution aloft. It amused me. :)
I got back into university when a friend of mine offered to search for the informations I needed and wrote the first e-mails for me. I went with a friend of mine to every meeting with his thesis supervisor untill he finally graduated. I also wrote the speech, because he didn't feel up to the task. He did all the work and deserved to get his degree. It went amazingly.
Dein Deutsch klingt super! 😊 ❤ ...my most active chats consist mostly on memes we send each other and make short comments on them xD Edit: Already felt called out because the GIF sending was so similar to the meme sending. Now that I am halfway through the video: Totally feel called out now 😂
Another one I would like to add is the gift of time. It means everything to me when something life-altering happens and someone messages me letting me know that they heard the news, but with no pressure to talk about it or even respond. It takes me a long time to process emotions (weeks sometimes), and people pestering me about "not isolating" only make it worse. I'll come out when I'm ready. I'll talk when I'm ready. And I feel very loved when someone allows me to take that time without feeling bad about it. Of course, this could just be a "me" thing.
3:57 I am a AuDHDer and I enjoy microfiber cloths 😅. I get dopamine from cleaning although I don't do it often but when I do it is a massive deep clean of a particular space. I am also very eco-friendly aware and despise single use cloths.
I used to go to raves and hand out crystals to my new friends. Crystals are my favourite fidgets & soothe me I also make music mixes / mix tapes when I was younger
GenX late dx. My love ❤ language, a poem, a handcrafted gift i made, a portrait, music swap, video clip swap, something you like or value. I like physical touch to my chosen person, holding hands, hugs, kisses, very affectionate. But if i don't like you i will send you a microfibre cloth 😂🤣😂🤣
To me it's sending text with a letter form, and speaking to them in another language, i call my oldest brother Brat, it means Brother in Russian. Trust me, it trully does mean that. This unconditional love and respect gived him huge emotional damage he stopped texting me. I hope i can explain. Though i asked for his permission first. As someone who loves learning languages, if i spoke to tou in another language, that means your given the honour to be one of the closest most dearest person to me, yes, to me, he is important and very close, as a family member.🎉 Thanks for making this a space to talk openly about problems and experiences so all of us autist could bond together.
@@Autistic_AF Cola, Orange, and Lemon, rotating between each other each order, until I started getting really stale ones. Also oh my god your marine plushies. My wife has a giant manatee plushie that’s weighted with a bunch of bean bags that I constantly steal haha. One day I’ll get a giant stingray.
I enjoy giving gifts. Mostly in the form of food. I also like to spend quality time.’I love hugs and closeness. Although new people don’t get that with me. Cause I am still getting to know them.
thanks for putting this video up. I've been trying to find a way to show my partner my ways of showing her love and affection in a way that makes sense coz I had trouble verablising it to her. This video has helped me share with her.
Strong emotions trigger speech loss episodes for me. Showing love and affection is very difficult and emotionally intense for me, so despite being mostly verbal in my day to day life, I almost exclusively express affection through non-verbal communication.
Before my parents threw away my seaglass collection as a child, one of my favorite ways to show love was to sift through my collection for the most beautiful, interesting looking piece of glass, and offer it as a gift. For me, sharing a piece of sea glass was a HUGE display of love because I was deeply emotionally attached to my collection. Each piece was hand plucked from my grandparents' private beach and I only collected the most interesting looking pieces.
When loved ones don't bother learning my love language, they often express how emotionally distant I feel. But for those who take the time to learn it, they often feel like they are drowning in my love.
I've always given gifts of things precious to me I never thought of it as me expressing how big my love is. We would stay at the beach and I would find the best most interesting shells, stones, tiles, glass from the beach and give them to my family 😊💜💜
I'm sorry that your parents threw away your sea glass collection. It sounds like it was an important thing for you.
I had a sea glass collection too, you just reminded me how I also gifted my best ones. Mine got swallowed up by a hoarder basement:’) May we find a million cool pieces of sea glass as adults
Big feels that they threw away your collection. Hugs about that
My dad handed me a rock he found and thought looked super cool. He asked me to keep it as a pet rock. The rock lives in the small sand box garden on my desk with the 3d printed frog figures my boyfriend painted me.
❤ This video is perfect thank you
Thank you for being here - that’s a lovely story 🐸 🧡
That's so sweet, on both your father's part, and yours ❤
My daughter was nonverbal until she was 7. We had a little bit of sign language we used around the house in order to communicate with her until she found her words.
Now she never shuts up, but it's still music to my ears even though she's an adult.
@nannywhumpers5702 my son too he talks too much brrrr
One of my best friends once taxied all of my (dirty) clothes to his house to wash and dry them for me. Pretty much every item of clothing I owned at that point in several bin bags
Same friend once sent me money to get home when I got stranded in London
Same friend once sent me a takeaway to my flat at 1am when I'd just had a breakup
We're both late dx adults and I am forever greatful, they're the model of what a good friend is to me
...And she's not trying to get in my pants lmao 😆
That is a true friend right there 😊
Dance commando: what pants
Beginning you said his. End you said she. If it is a she you might be right.. but if it's a dude hes definitely trying to get in your pants
Are you sure? cos that usually works....lol
I exchange music ...
@@amarinegripond1915 The great thing about music and movies and books, etc, is that it's something that you get to "keep", in that you still get to enjoy the media whenever you want with your own copy. But you can also "give it away", in that the other person has the same access to it as you do, often with a physical object that represents the media.
Me too. I’ll be listening to something and it’ll make me think of someone so I share it with them.
Music is one of the few ways I can realise and communicate my feelings. Thanks, Alexithymia. 🥴
If I want to I do.
Knuckle G - Distant Memory
This video helped me connect the dots on why my executive functioning is so much worse since my husand passed away. Not only did I lose my best friend and my sweetheart I lost my body double! He would be sitting there on the couch watching nascar or doing a car model and I would putter around doing laundry or dishes or whatever and swing by for a quick smooch or lap sit and then cycle back around to a task. I knew how much I missed the affection but I just now realized today how not having him as my body double has affected me just as much. Sorry for the wall of text, but it also made me think of my toxic first marriage and how my mother in law suggested I may get more done while her son was at work and I tried to explain that it was tougher for me. She then implied that I could only do tasks "if I had an audience." If I'd had the term and concept "body doubling" way back then it might have helped to explain, but I wasn't even diagnosed with my ADHD back then, let alone something a bit "spicier." Thank you for your channel and your kind heart.
Neuro"difficult" that is gold🥇
I also found the neurodifficult comment to be gold😊. I laughed and laughed. I'm an NT married to an ND.
Microfiber cloths are HELL!
I need gloves to use them.
@@jaosandv Same here! 😅
@@jaosandv Yes! My hands are still balled up in the fists that formed when he mentioned it. (Oher than the one finger that is typing.😉)
I'm a neurotypical wife of a high masking autistic man, newly understood, and your videos are the only ones that are helpful to me without pissing me off. _Your_ videos inspire me and explain behaviors in a way that is _helpful_ not infuriating. I found "parallel experience," "body doubling," and "words of encouragement," particularly helpful in our case. I doubted any video on autism would "melt my heart," but you made good on your promise, thank you!
What are some examples of things in other videos that you describe as infuriating?
@@kr3642 I didn't give examples because I don't want to argue about them.
Awh thank you! I’m glad my videos are enjoyable for you. Thanks for being here! 🧡
could you make videos about life from the point of view of an NT? I know not all NT are the same, I'm curious as to how do you guys experience life.
@@wisedred If you've met one NT, you've met one NT. We're all different, too.
21:10 autistic dad: the ultimate guardian of the AC.
@@SpydrXIII I get it
💪 🧊
Memes and gifs are my love language. Also my regular language.
eh, yea
I despise the feeling of dry micro fiber cloth. It feels like it's grabbing me back, and has also torn off the hanging skin near my cuticles. D:
@@Senfree ^ here’s someone who understands!
Omg i thought i was the only one who had an issue with as i call them "Creepy Cloths". 😳🤢🤮
@@kellhalla5301Bahahaaa, perfect name!
One of the reasons i use gloves when I clean.
Only one sensory experience.
@@Autistic_AF i don't like the cloth texture, but I like the ruffled edges they often have
You know, I have masked so hard all my life I find it hard to put into words what I like exactly, but parallel activity is certainly high on my list. I sometimes have to fight to spend parallel time with folks because some of my friends get nervous when things don't go to plan or others don't join in. All I am saying is, I am just happy to be somewhere with my friends.
Same. My wife believes that a desire for parallel time is a sign of emotional immaturity and has been trying to call me out on it for our whole 20 years of marriage. It's only in the past few months that I've started to find words to describe why it's so meaningful and important to me.
I send memes, share snacks, make snacks, research their questions/issue, and pebble. I dislike strong displays of affection and until my recent adult diagnosis I was under the impression that I was doing the romance wrong lol
What good snacks do you have?
@@trentl-p8w what interests you?
We got cheese, Cheez-Its, butter cookies, good loose tea, veggie chips, kettle chips, trail mix, kimchi, curry, butter honey chips, etc
I do "pebbling" when I buy groceries- I call it buying treats. Usually it's just a small snack that I know my sibling will like. She also struggles to feed herself because ADHD. It's not a proper meal, but I want her to know that I'm always thinking about her when I'm out and about.
I'm so glad that you wrote this. I'm the ADHDer in a similar relationship dynamic with an autistic person and she always does this for me.
It was always appreciated but with this additional context it's even more heartwarming
"Physical contact" If someone physically contacts me they're getting sent to the bottom of the mariana trench
I'm not a fan of physical contact, so I reversed that one in my head. By NOT touching me and maintaining a respectful distance, even when it would make sense to be physically comforting (like when I'm crying) - that is a sign that they know and love me.
If I can wear the right equipment that might be tempting.
I know it was a throwaway comment of yours, but sueded microfiber cloths have been a game changer for me! The regular kind are atrocious. And I'd def. be interested in a video on self-care during meltdowns
Oh dear god, those sticky-grabby microfiber cloths...!!! 😖 Just thinking of them is like fingernails on a chalk board. The lovely soft suede-y ones shouldn't even be called the same thing. Lol.
They're so disgusting! The thought makes me shudder
I once gifted to my ex a spiny dye-murex's shell (type of a sea snail) painted in red nail polish. I really liked the feeling of putting my finger in the smooth shell and touching the spikes afterwards. It was my favourite shell and I had spent so much time painting it. I also thought it had a special metaphorical meaning, representing me and my love, soft on the inside and spiky on the outside. 😅 After seeing his wtf face I didn't even bother to explain haha I just thought I'm crazy and weird. That's before I found about my autism. This video and the comment section make me feel understood, definitely less weird. ❤
My ways of showing love is info dumping or sharing info peeps they show interest in. My AuDHD teens and I refer to memes all the time, and dad jokes from me (being a single mom, who loves woodworking and fixing things in the moments of free time).
When I send messages to the kiddies it’s followed by a meme that explains the subject. I strive to be involved and understand them, by proxy I have learnt so much about my late diagnosed Autistic (self diagnosed ADHD) personhood.
My friends and I love to hold hands and apply pressure as signs of affection. I find the feeling of skin and weight is nice and playing with someone’s hand or just cuddling is a great way to still be connected even when not talking or doing anything. A few of us are autistic, including me.
I know physical touch can be difficult for a lot of people and I only do it with close friends. :33
Understanding how our autistic brains work elevated my marriage 😊 Parallel play, happy stimming together, engaging in our special interest together - we do this more often and it is pure delight ❤
I use blue hearts for friends, and purple ones for my partners. This distinction is very important.
I have trouble showing my interests too openly with people if I'm not sure will 'approve' of them - Going most of my life having them disregarded will do that, i suppose. But my partners have been very encouraging and even -insistent- that i share with them lol.
Parallel play/existing is also great. Oftentimes we'll just be chilling in discord, doing our own things, and just talking when it strikes us.
I have a 'pebble' I've been waiting to give once i can move up with them in a couple months too.
I would definitely watch a meltdown self care video - I've never really known what to do after them and sort of just try to get back to what i was doing before, while being mentally exhausted
This distinction is in your head. The others can't understand it or subscribe to it the same gravity... .
If it was not for a text based game, I would never have met my husband on Old East Road, to rescue a hobbit in distress! Tonight I was going through a bunch of music videos on UA-cam and invited him in to share some with me. I am happily autistic, my husband does not want the diagnosis. It is enough for us to know that we are who we are. Though sometimes, I want to pound my head (literally) when our AuDHD brains collide on different trajectories.
🧡 Thanks for the video!
I think having specific interests make it easy to find nice presents for people and sharing interest is such warm and lovely feeling ❤
I'd love to be the friend who sends "I'm thinking about you!" messages when far away, but I actually hardly ever think of my friends when they're not present because I'm just doing my thing living my life 🫤 I'm the "helping friend" tho, I'd do anything for them if they're in need, and they know they just need to let me know.
@@Kotifilosofi I think that's why they're friends with you, not too clingy. Cool.
@@anthonywood7420 aww thank you ☺️
@@Kotifilosofi Me too!
I'm a 38 year old woman who would always exchange songs and pictures or emojis. I'm always giving my friends a little something just for them.
Thanks for teaching me about autistic pebbling! I have done it my whole life without knowing about it. Actually I love it to pebble my toddler girl with little nature treasures ... Because she understands and shares my "joy and comfort" with these small things 🥹🥰
As someone who hypersensitive to textures above all else I adore the feeling of smooth cold metal. I really struggle when things are bumpy or uneaven in texture to the point that I can feel individual threads in for example a cloth of clothing items. When I was young I found a flint rock with a completly smooth side that I keept for nearly 6 years until a bully threw it out a window. But really soft and fluffy textures are also welcome,which is why I love my stuffed animals
Can confirm that I communicate great through emojis.
Emotions like excitement are too intense for words. I need more 🤩😫💜😫🤩💜‼️
3:00 I can highly recommend sign language. My partner and I regularly use the BSL for "I love you" which we picked up from watching Something Special. It's handy in so many situations, not just when I'm overwhelmed and speaking would be too much but also when I'm listening to something and stopping it to speak would be a frustrating experience.
😂 That's exactly what I'd assume we'd do (Minecraft building part) working along side but not with, perfect!
Kindness. Community. Humanity. Sitting and sharing a smoke and a talk with unhoused people has helped me stop several meltdowns in progress. Gaining perspective, shared trouble, shared humanity, getting out of my spiraling mind and sharing the moment with another human, my neighbor without a roof - struggling and seemingly alone, misheard, misseen, just missed. Doing so, I have come to know some folks by name, and am counted a safe and friendly neighbor by them as well. And this feels good. I live in a city with too many opportunities to take this action. One of the many reasons I have meltdowns these days. Anyway, this blessing is real for my neighbor and me when I stop to share those moments, with or without a meltdown. The reminder that we all struggle is a very humanizing thing. I think this may be some 4D chess-level body doubling on my part, but it feels like a natural instinct that checks much needed boxes for me - See the opening list. In the giving, I am receiving. ♾ Thank you for the thought provoking and loverly video.
My perhaps most important love language is effort with thoughtfulness.
Expensive gifts or grand gestures with no thought of me as a person or perhaps our relationsship, will not impress me, and i will not express love this way myself.
Or gifts that are only convienient for the giver are also bad.
A pretty rock given in effort to share their heart and deepen our connection is love, or taking time to know the others prefferences or interests. Or thoughtfull communication from someone, who doesn’t find expressing oneself easy perhaps.
Its really allways the reason behind giving or doing something that to me makes it a love language, but generally showing care and interest.
That last tip is very important for me. I've always felt a great desire to help others, make a positive difference in their lives, but was rarely able to do it in the past due to gaps in communication with my family, and them mainly expecting acts of service from me. Just over the last few years I've been finding out how good and impactful it can be to be there for my friends in other ways, and how much it helps me in turn.
I love your presentation style and accent! As a British person in Germany, have you noticed how criticism can be a love language there? I am native German, in the UK for 20+ years, and I realised recently I only criticise people when I care enough about them to want them to succeed and get things right, and to not fail or embarrass themselves. As Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory put it "if a summer in Germany has taught me anything, it's that brutal honesty is its own kind of love." (Young Sheldon, season 7) and "When I criticise people I lift them up." (from the "adult" BBT series) Seen by NT viewers probably as just as another annoying know-it-all trait, I can really see the truth in that. Can anyone relate?
That's a lovely video and it made me think of all the relationships that worked out well in my life. The friends that I exchange memes with daily, my partner taking up jobs to reduce my cognitive load and the numerous rocks and sticks my son and my niece have given me 😊
I feel loved 💚
Lovely Video Mike, cool pebble too. I cannot touch Micro fibre at all it's awful.... Makes me shiver thinking about it and if i even hear it catch on someone else's fingers it puts a shiver right through me. Lots of beautiful art work. The kittens say meow to Hydra. 😊
🤎 Thank you, Mike! I've wanted a video about love languages when it comes to autistic folks for a while, but it's become rather pertinent to life recently.
Again, thank you 💜
I love information pebbling 😁
Sending ppl links to websites or other stuff that is somehow supportive to them.
You're the best! This is what I love about my friends - it’s a great way to show you’re thinking about someone and also a great way to help share the burden of troubleshooting a problem, too.
I really value parallel play and body doubling. 💚🌲
Thank you for this.
I couldn't fully explain why I felt betrayed inseparate incidents recently, only comprehended after they passed. I decided to distance myself from few people because they couldn't be direct and honest. Instead they chose to waste my time and energy. Another was a friend who did not practice active listening when I shared my problem, yet I'm expected to listen to hers while my heart wasn't in it. Least I know how I wanted to be 'loved', adjust my expectations or communicate my needs accordingly, if they're worth my company.
18:46 a personal insight I can give is that its not the routine as much as it is the predictability. Essentially it all comes down to plan, vs not my plan. I think the autistic mind really gets set on planning things in advance, goals and how to achieve them. That being broken can be very distressing, even for a neurotypical person, but you know, sensory issues, so that's more intense.
So basically you have a plan of any kind (not just a routine) then you get a sudden thing sprung on you, yeah that's gonna be an issue.
Whats weird is I relate to all of this except for light touch If someone rubs me lightly it puts me into a trance. Its a lot like rocking un my rockung chair. It helps me think and relaxes me more anything.
But if someone doesnt rub me at the right speed or they do the same area it drives me nuts and then irritates me.
Anyone else experience anything like this?
Yes, my spouse doesn't like anything rubbing or lightly touching in the same place for very long either. His skin is very sensitive to so many things. He can't stand hats, watches, belts or rings. Sometimes I laugh and tease him that I'm lucky he wears clothes at all. He's sensitive to chemicals in the pool, and salt in saliva. It's hard to know what to do for the ND when the sensitivities seem to completely overwhelm.
@@Herbs2oils Tell me about it. I've been in this old farmhouse for the last 2 years and it's filled with mold, dust, dirt and mites. Thankfully I'm finally moving in 9 days to a much better place because it's like being tortured 24/7. On a good day I sleep 5 hours but rarely sleep over 2 hours. On top of all that I'll be hot one second and freezing my ass off the next.
The single color candies is usually for events where specific colors might be handy. Weddings, birthdays, school spirit, etc.
Ahhhhh! Of course. That makes sense, thank you ☺️
My 16 year old son is autistic and nonverbal. He will have me sit next to him, and pets my back. He also sometimes will hold my face nicely, and he just studies my face for minutes. Just stares at me. I always wonder what he is thinking ❤
When I was growing up, people weren't much aware I connected best with people I had a shared interest with (mostly Star Trek at the time) and usually, they're on the spectrum too!
My couch is made from microfiber because I've had real bad experiences with my skin touching leather and when my nails rub on anything low thread my spine feels like it got struck by lightning.
@@BlancOtaku I like velvet!
I always have hated encouragement and praise. I think it's because I am always brutally honest with myself about what I can or can't do, etc, and I do not attach my sense of self worth to those things. If I have a 80% chance to succeed at something, "encouragement" is trying to make me delusional about my chances of success. How am I supposed to properly weigh the effort/outcome and make good decisions? If I were to believe you, you'd be sabotaging me, not helping me.
If I do or don't succeed it doesn't make me more or less deserving of praise, or in need of reassurance. I already knew going in that failure was possible. It's going to happen here and there and it's just part of the process. It seems so absurd to hinge one's feelings on that.
(And yes, I understand why people offer that, I just know it's a poor way to arrange one's self and make decisions.)
"You're wrong but I like you, too" is something I say a lot when people are trying to encourage me.
Ultimately it's a bit of love they're trying to share with you, not sabotage. You don't have to believe in what they say. Believe in how they feel.
@@dacksonflux Yep. I don't crap on them. I accept the comment in the spirit in which it was given.
We lived in Germany for 3 years, and my problem with the language was that I have a profoundly good knack for mimicry, and this was not the best thing all the time, because it created a situation where the small amount of German I did know was pronounced in a way that made me sound far more fluent, and people would start flinging rapid strings of speech at me and would get confused by my wide-eyed stare of embarrassment before being told that I didn't understand. It happened over and over again. 😅😂
I can’t communicate on Instagram properly because gifs don’t work. The day I realized this, it kinda blew my mind.
My ex-bestie and I sometimes communicated in the ways you are describing here. I’m convinced she was/is also AuDHD-PI, but not twice-exceptional; more learning-disabled, like my daughter. We went through a period in our 20’s (so ~15-20 years ago) where she methodically reacted to subjects I would bring up with “Do we REALLY have to talk about this?” or “Do we REALLY have to talk about this NOW?”, until there were hardly any topics left for me to bring up; certainly nothing I found interesting and important. As a result of this, I had no idea how she or her parents thought or felt about LGBT+ issues (just one of many, MANY topics), and apparently, her mother, who was always kind to me, is, in fact, a raging homophobe. So, when I asked my (ex-) bestie “Are you straight?”, assuming it would be okay after 30 years of friendship, I apparently set off some kind of nuclear device. As far as I can tell, her mother decided I’d “destroyed her self-confidence” by pointing out she’d never been on a date (I was NOT mean about this; it ended up being stated plainly via text; any meanness detected was put there by them), and went on a mini-(text, using her daughter’s phone) rant about how disabled her daughter is (and of course the assumption is I’m not, because I was never allowed to discuss anything serious for literal DECADES), which I interpreted as “you tricked her into thinking she might not be cis/het via power of suggestion!!! 😡😡😡”. It was horrible, and I’m still sad about it, but at the same time, how is it a friendship if we can only talk about fun stuff she and her parents did or are going to be doing? I couldn’t even talk about happy things in my life without making her jealous! If only we could have talked about real, serious things as needed… but she wouldn’t allow it. 😞
@@misspat7555 whats AuDHD-Pl ?
I understand. Married for 24+ years to ND spouse. I have a daughter with OCD/depresion bi-polar issues, and after a particularly bad meltdown I was informed we couldn't talk about anything that might be potentially incendiary to her emotions. That was nearly everything except the weather. We haven't really spoken since, and it's been nearly two years. My ND spouse has pulled back too, and we can no longer talk about several topics (which have been important to me). As an NT, I'm finding this very difficult to navigate, yet still trying. It is difficult to balance the pain of rejection with their need to feel safe and not overwhelmed. It just usually ends up muzzling me, and not solving anything.
1. Adding a summary here of them would be super helpful if you can!!
2. I’d love to see you do a video on meltdown self care, I struggle with this both with myself and with others- thanks 😊
I noticed a lot of nudibranch art in your room. I love nudibranches too. They're so colorful and fascinating, especially that one that can use photosynthesis 😊
I love marine invertebrates like sephelopods, crustaceans, and mollusks. Especially if they're colorful or have something super unique about them.
Finally some focus on the positive traits of autistic adults
Yes - doing their own things 😅. We have quite different "special" interests. Not much to share about. But we are so happy just sitting in the same room and doing our own things, just occasionally exchange a word (that word may not even have any particular meaning - it's rather a test of sound - are you still in that good mood). You don't have that pressure on your mind as with other people who might feel awkward because of silence and their awkward feeling is making you uncomfortable. We are just fine being there.
Executive functioning: someone accidentally wrote execution dysfunction and I thought that fit so well and will always remember.
I pictured the hangman's lever all droopy. Poor guy, it's normal, it's nothing to be ashamed of. :(
I love being with another person doing our own things without having to interact. I call it alone-together.
wow, somebody else who gets it.
thats right.
just wanted somebody there in the same space without interacting. same when was trying to pack and sort, i wasn’t asking packing or sorting help (in fact it might have been harmful if someone were to intrude and help at that time) but simply to have somebody there in the room. could not get people to get that.
btw: nice surroundings. love her art work!!! 💗
Thank you Mike! Very very helpful and so insightful!
Yes, I would enjoy a video on meltdowns and shutdowns in autistic adults, especially to show non-autistic loved ones so that they can better understand and support Autists.
What is the difference between the two?
What are some examples of real-life presentations (perspective of onlookers) of both in autistic adults?
How do they describe their own lived expierience (perspective of the Autist)?
Is one of the the two more common in a specific gender?
Is there a gender-specific difference in presentation of a melt- and/ or shutdowns?
What are some common signs (and less known ones) of melt- and shutdowns that others can pick up on and how can they support an autistic adult or help them recognize their own signs of overwhelm (as many don't themselves before it's too late) to prevent a melt- or shutdown - in a respectful and dignified manner, especially in group settings?
And the Dos and Don'ts immediatly before, during and after a meltdown and those specific to shutdowns...
What are practical examples of the must-Dos, the can-Dos and the most-helpful-Dos?
And anything else you find important or wish everyone knew about 🧡
Very curious to this because it’s similar to the three types of empathy and supposable issues. People have with the double empathy, problem, and understanding love languages.
I do. I need help understanding what they are, @DWSP101. I often miss when someone is flirting with me, and I have no clue how to do it. To me, a love language would be people consistently being honest, loving, and supportive. It would be being able to count on someone.
I've never heard much about body doubling. But it makes sense. Since I moved out to live by myself, I don't really do anything anymore. My very intense focus mostly disappeared, and I wasn't expecting that at all. Having UA-cam videos in the background helps, but not quite enough.
Memes have been my main distance-communication ever since it became a thing. And the people who never understood my point with any pictures, I sadly slowly lost touch with. But I don't really know what else to do or say, to keep a relaxed ongoing connection with someone I never automatically see in person.
The car detailing channels I watch seem to think there's such a thing as soft microfibre towel, but all the ones I've grabbed were harsh and they tried to cling to the texture of my hand prints. They didn't feel nice at all. Certainly not like the nice soft feeling of the wool of a high quality lambskin, or the smooth feeling of my merino wool suit. Even worn out denim feels better than a microfibre towel!
I tend to use gloves (some old diving dry gloves - they're like marigolds/rubber gloves) when washing the car. Can't stand the grippy scratchy microfibre esp around my fingertips!
@@Autistic_AF I see that there are a few of us who dislike it for the same reason. I wonder if neurotypicals have the same experience of them, or if they wouldn't notice it. 🤔
My sister is obsessed with figurines. I'm pretty sure she has the biggest collection of Funko Pops in existence. For her birthday this year I ordered her a custom Funko Pop...of herself! I had a blast designing it and I really hope she likes it. 🎉
I love to share interests with others; I am not, and never have been, a water cooler chatterer. Talking with a friend and putting the world to rights is something I enjoy. Yes, certain rhetorical devices will make me melt in the same way that others might upon seeing a heartthrob. For instance, there is a wonderful line at the end of a Doctor Who episode: 'Brandish the gravity stanchions!' The assonance nearly sent me nuts. I also love to share music, books and do parallel activity. Don't be in the room and not do anything, though, as I cannot work at all while being watched. I, like you, cannot stand the feel of insects. A most thought-provoking topic as I'd not considered this sort of thing until recently.
I enjoying sharing information with other. A couple of my friends love Hare and so so excited to share a beautiful story with them in " The Guardian " this week. So sharing with the community ( with so many sharing a love and passion for Wildlife, Nature and the Animal Kingdom) Mike with Cats, Nudibranchs, Sealife and Peacock.
The title of the article is..... I was addicted to a high-pressure job when a baby hare came into my life.
My own bit of true joy this weekend was to see, people have found a way to be in harmony with the Austrialian Magpies, My passion all Corvids.
@@Phoenix-regenerating corvids are incredible! Have you seen the video of the ginger cat shouting at a corvid who replies similarly? It’s funny!
@@Autistic_AF Oh my goodness they certainly are. Chaos may rain but its certainly a happy one, that truly keeps you on your toes. It's like sharing your life with a flying 7 year old., who also can be as wise as an ancient. Yes the Ginger Cat and Crow hilarous, and worth another look. The one that come to mind, is the Crow feeding a Cat and Dog........ Bird feeds Cat and Dog, also Crow steals Cats food to feed the Dog. Martha (Jackdaw) Having been released a while back ( now I always have to have my bedroom window open, shine, rain or cold) woke me up this morning tapping my finger. She is also boss of Thelma and Lou Lou my Perrrrrrfect Beings. Sorry Mike passion issues and I run on and on and on..............
Memes, listening, patience... I like to keep a big bag of Twix candy so I can offer some if someone is having a bad day... understanding that I might not see things the same way as other people but I can still learn from them.
My partner and I pebble all the time. I brought them one home after a walk the other day, and they said with great joy, “thanks for thinking of me and bringing me a crushed fruit pit!”
I am a pebbler. I didn't always know that's what I was doing. I am very thoughtful while also having limited financial resources & I always thought it was more valuable to put thought & effort into what I give someone rather than how much money was spent or what exactly it is. I once gave someone (an adult friend) a couple packets of their favourite cigarettes at Christmas (I know those are terrible & I wish they'd stop smoking but it's still their choice). Another year I got them the largest canister I could find of their favourite coffee & a package of their favourite chocolates that have become increasingly more difficult to find. They greatly appreciated the thought behind the gift, which made me feel good about it and they often give a lot of thought into things they pick up for me also. For me it is very rare to find anyone willing to be as thoughtful as I am & they are they most genuine friend I have ever had.
My wife and I use nonsense words to say "I am expressing affection" or "I am leaving your vicinity, but the last thing I said was 'I love you'"
I remember talking about special interests to people I wanted to be close with as a kid (and adult) and being told in no uncertain terms that they didn't share my interest and that I should zip it. What's wrong with saying "I'm glad you enjoy ... so much!" or "It makes me happy to see you so enthusiastic about X"? I always try and distinguish between being happy something makes the other happy, without misleading them to think I have the exact same interest.
3:00 Yes, learning some sign language can be useful in a lot of situations. But please be aware that Makaton is a set of signs used primariliy in the UK, adapted from BSL signs. Each community around the world has its own sign language. In the UK, the main sign language is British Sign Language (BSL), and in the US and much of Canada it is American Sign Language (ASL), in Japan in Japanese Sign Language (JSL), in Quebec it's Quebec Sign Language (LSQ), and so on.
Please don't deny yourself an accommodation that makes life easier for you, even if you are not deaf. Culturally Deaf people, and anyone with any issues with hearing, auditory processing, or using any other channel of communication - whether they can hear or not - is more than welcome to use signs and sign languages anytime that they prefer it. I have seen some people write that they're concerned that they shouldn't sign because it's appropriating someone else's culture. But a actually, the more people who sign, the more accessibility there is for everybody who signs. So just be free to communicate.
But if you want to be understood in your location, please be aware that you should learn your local signs and sign languages.
For those of you in ASL regions, I highly recommend online resources by Dr. Bill Vicars. He has a UA-cam channel (Bill Vicars), and more resources at his website, Lifeprint dot com.
Practice signing in the mirror so you can become skilled at how it feels in your body and how to read someone else signing to you, go to local deaf community events if you can. (If it's a performance event with music, and you get over stimulated by loud sounds, you may want to wear earplugs.)
I was floored by your comment of "appropriating someone else's culture" in regard to sign language. That thought process never crossed my mind, very eye-opening. I've been learning Spanish to better speak with my neighbors, and to be able to research Mexican Catholic records as I find my son-in-law's family history - and gaining this skillset isn't thought of that way. I'm just gob-smacked!
Anyway, I taught basic sign language to my children as babies so they could communicate with me. Babies learn it so quickly, long before their tongues pick up useful speech. I thought if I helped them through the non-verbal moments, they would be less frustrated. It worked beautifully. I didn't have nearly the tantrums with my kids that my friends had to wrestle with. I'm so grateful for sign language and the broadening of horizons that comes with being able to communicate with others more freely, in their own tongue (so to speak).
@@Herbs2oils To be clear, I don't believe that learning a language is appropriating a culture. I meant that I have seen some people write online that they are afraid that they are not allowed to sign -- even though it would be a form of communication accessibility for them personally due to disability factors such as autism, auditory processing problems, situational mutism, etc. -- because they are not Deaf.
Points for trying to think of others and power dynamics and stuff, but to me personally it doesn't make sense to deny yourself communication accessibility, nor to prevent communication in the language that's most accessible for other people, including deaf people.
Seek out members of your local culturally Deaf community to find out whether the community objects to you signing. My prediction is no.
EDIT: The situation that's much more important to reflect on power dynamics right now is this: Now that so many people have easy access to filming themselves and putting it online, there are many people who are not fluent in their Deaf community's sign language nor its culture who post things online to "teach sign language." Many Deaf people find this culturally disrespectful, especially if the unqualified person is charging money to misrepresent their language and culture. (And learning incorrect signs and incorrect cultural information doesn't help anyone.)
@@Herbs2oils Also, I'm so glad your family benefitted from using sign language when your children were babies. It's true, children's brains are usually able to use language several months before their speech anatomy is developed enough to speak, so having an alternate communication channel that's accessible to them can remove that communication barrier.
Ironically, while hearing families learn that sign language helps their hearing children, it's very common in the US for medical professionals to tell hearing parents not to use sign language with their newly diagnosed deaf babies. Under the uneducated assumption that signing would interfere with learning the spoken/written language. But in many cases, even if the child uses hearing aids or cochlear implants, this can lead to language deprivation (lack of access to accessible language), which greatly impacts child development, family bonding and inclusion.
I hope that these days, more hearing parents are exposed to the idea that sign language benefits babies and their families, so they are able to consider that information even after some professional tells them that deaf/hard of hearing babies shouldn't be allowed to sign.
All communication methods and languages that work well for a child are good choices. But accessibility is key, so that each individual has the fullest possible access to communication, both in terms of personal expression and comprehension of others.
Okay I'll step off my infodump soapbox for now. (Providing access to information is one of my highest values and love languages as an AuDHD person.) But for anyone who's interested in learning more, hopefully I've given you some rabbit hole search terms. :)
My love language is definitely trying to find solutions for people’s problems. It comes from a place of love and care, and I’m lucky that my ND friends understand me and how I work. My ADHDer partner and I decided today that I am like an enthusiastic robot (probably animated by Pixar), wheeling up to him and holding a possible solution aloft. It amused me. :)
I knit socks and gift them to loved ones. The knitting serves as a stim and I give warmth and sof texture through my often colourful socks.
I make pillows and give them to people ❤
Lovely gift to the auti brain, Thanks Mike
@@Phoenix-regenerating thank you for being here! 🧡
@@Autistic_AF 🌟
Often by sharing my photography
I got back into university when a friend of mine offered to search for the informations I needed and wrote the first e-mails for me.
I went with a friend of mine to every meeting with his thesis supervisor untill he finally graduated. I also wrote the speech, because he didn't feel up to the task. He did all the work and deserved to get his degree. It went amazingly.
Dein Deutsch klingt super! 😊 ❤
...my most active chats consist mostly on memes we send each other and make short comments on them xD
Edit: Already felt called out because the GIF sending was so similar to the meme sending. Now that I am halfway through the video: Totally feel called out now 😂
Another one I would like to add is the gift of time. It means everything to me when something life-altering happens and someone messages me letting me know that they heard the news, but with no pressure to talk about it or even respond. It takes me a long time to process emotions (weeks sometimes), and people pestering me about "not isolating" only make it worse. I'll come out when I'm ready. I'll talk when I'm ready. And I feel very loved when someone allows me to take that time without feeling bad about it.
Of course, this could just be a "me" thing.
Yay I'm mentioned in one of your videos 😁 even if it's the one in which your swore with your hands and misspelled humour 🤣
That’s how it goes sometimes! 😅😂
Yes.
All to it.
Yess yess yesss
Thank you .
3:57 I am a AuDHDer and I enjoy microfiber cloths 😅. I get dopamine from cleaning although I don't do it often but when I do it is a massive deep clean of a particular space. I am also very eco-friendly aware and despise single use cloths.
Thank you for this!
22. Subscribing, liking the video, responding through comments, and sharing this with your friends.
Yes, exactly! How could I have forgotten? 😅🧡
My wife gives me head rubs when I'm upset.
Mornings over coffee we watch our own UA-cam videos and phone activities. It's lovely.
Awww, that’s sweet.
this video makes SO much sense! thank you!!
It’s a nope for me on microfiber. I can touch it but I’d crawl out of my skin if I had to wear it.
I used to go to raves and hand out crystals to my new friends.
Crystals are my favourite fidgets & soothe me
I also make music mixes / mix tapes when I was younger
GenX late dx.
My love ❤ language, a poem, a handcrafted gift i made, a portrait, music swap, video clip swap, something you like or value. I like physical touch to my chosen person, holding hands, hugs, kisses, very affectionate.
But if i don't like you i will send you a microfibre cloth 😂🤣😂🤣
Yes, I have sorted Fruit Loops cereal.
I detail cars for a living, I touch dry micros all the time. Idk if I like them or not, I just use them lol.
Thank you for sharing 🧡
To me it's sending text with a letter form, and speaking to them in another language, i call my oldest brother Brat, it means Brother in Russian. Trust me, it trully does mean that. This unconditional love and respect gived him huge emotional damage he stopped texting me. I hope i can explain. Though i asked for his permission first. As someone who loves learning languages, if i spoke to tou in another language, that means your given the honour to be one of the closest most dearest person to me, yes, to me, he is important and very close, as a family member.🎉 Thanks for making this a space to talk openly about problems and experiences so all of us autist could bond together.
Dry microfibre cloths 😂 that’s a strong evocation
Everyone working on their on builds on the minecraft server is Epic 😆
I used to buy 2 pound bags of single flavor Pez. Don’t judge me.
What flavour?? We need to know! 🧡
@@Autistic_AF Cola, Orange, and Lemon, rotating between each other each order, until I started getting really stale ones. Also oh my god your marine plushies. My wife has a giant manatee plushie that’s weighted with a bunch of bean bags that I constantly steal haha. One day I’ll get a giant stingray.
If it’s chalky spearmint, I get it
Good flavours! 🖤🧡💛
Giant manatee sounds epic! Marine plushies are honestly my favourite type of plushie! So varied and colourful! 🦈🐡🐙🦭🦀
I enjoy giving gifts. Mostly in the form of food. I also like to spend quality time.’I love hugs and closeness. Although new people don’t get that with me. Cause I am still getting to know them.
but isn't giving someone a dinosaur eraser a kind gesture?
Beautifully formulated thank you ❤
thanks for putting this video up. I've been trying to find a way to show my partner my ways of showing her love and affection in a way that makes sense coz I had trouble verablising it to her. This video has helped me share with her.
I show love with silly comments 🖤💃🏻 this one is more subtle 🐢