I have pretty bad face blindness. I dont recognize people and im so glad that I can now disclose my autism and try to be more present and authentic instead of trying to recite generic lines.
It's always hard fro me to know when it's the best time to part ways when hanging out. Usually my best friend has the tact to tell me she is tired or something rather than suffer through my overstaying my welcome.
This is so useful, I find I am always either totally masking or being totally authentic which are both SO draining in the outside world (not friends or family). Not to freak anyone out but I have found myself drawn to spending time and trying to form relationships with psychopathic people so far in my life- thank god I've clocked! I think there is a relief I used to find in being around someone who also has a lack of/ unconventional social barriers and is putting on their behaviour a lot of the time... also autistic people are of course very honest and expect other people to be too, and are therefore open to manipulation
My whole life is making more sense! The fact that this stuff isn't what everyone does is a revelation! I laughed so hard when you brought up Anne. She was one of my main personas!
The spreadsheet idea is great! I lost many potential contacts just cause I forgot about them. Even recently, I went to see a couple of people and thought that we would continue our communication. But 1,5 weeks have passed and I haven’t written them. It’s not a long period of time. But I know that it will grow if I don’t do something. I can turn into months or years.
Is it a characteristically autistic thing to be wanting to be one genuine authentic self, without variations, with no 'hats'? Hah! Never thought of that in that light. Thanks for the insight, ladies!
I find that I'm really good at code switching actually but it's all masking. Like, I don't think the person I am at work, or at a party, or in class, is the genuine me, it's just a personality that I have developed based on the cumulative responses to my behavior in each situation and the things I've read about how to behave in each situation. I take off the mask and show my actual thoughts and responses to things more the closer I am to someone, but for most other people it's a series of scripts and learned responses that I can choose from to move an interaction along.
Maybe I'm confusing masking with social strategies, but for some reason, this video and the strategies and concepts you shared here were awesome and made total sense, while the subject of masking just immediately infuriates me, lol. I appreciate how you two so clearly explained social strategies in this video. I especially loved the spreadsheet and inner/outer circles concepts and plan to try out both. I really struggle not to overshare or how to act appropriate with different people (talking to my doctor like a friend at a bar pops into mind immediately with some embarrassment, lol). But the idea of only sharing your most personal info with a select few truly close people in your life makes total sense, and being "professional" or more formal with others is so much more appealing than the idea of having to act or play a role in life (I grew up being taught how to mask HARD and constantly, and now as an adult my inner rebel absolutely screams at the idea of masking anymore!).
I would observe how people would succeed in certain situations and how they were acting, so I would *steal* their mannerisms for when I needed them in similar situations... But you're so right, its so inauthentic. Over the years, I've gotten more and more comfortable not putting on an act for everyone. Sometimes there just isn't the energy for it. I would often think, I should probably be an actor I'm so good at pretending 😅 Also, if I get engaged in small talk, I try to think of questions to ask (I've got a script in my head for that) so that I don't have to share anything 👀
Also, work is a separate thing... I feel like Im preforming in play at work some days. Some days it takes a day or two to actually decompress for the energy drain of masking.
But I feel I have not really control over this. When I feel bad I become desperate and than I just tell people whatever I need. It is sometimes impulsive and I dissociate partly from reality because I don't know how to deal with everything.
small talk has me not wording things right or straight up lying just so i can seem engaged and get it over with -_- then afterwards being upset i traded my authentic self just so another person can feel they had a good conversation, but then if the convo goes 'bad' due to my lack of engagement i overthink it as well. its such a tactile game lol
Rules. That's what I think I do. Whenever something happens in my life that I acted the wrong way, I make a rule about that situation. Two rules I can think off of my head is No Lying, not even white lie (my dad lectured me about lying when I lied about where we were going so my mom wouldn't learn of the surprise for her). I'm not sure where I got the other rule, but if someone starts talking to me, I have to respond. My brain tells me it would be rude to stay silent if someone speaks to me. That's why I've chatted on some twitch streamers I watch.
I shared that I had been bullied with my manager and an occupational health worker. Apparently this was the wrong thing to do, so I stopped sharing with anyone.
Thank you Ella and Ros! ( I'm dyslexic please tell me, have I spelt her name correctly, or does she prefer one s?) Awesome video, so so much I could relate too. Wrote huge response as usual, then deleted it as usual. Just want you both to know how relevant your video's are and how grateful l am for them. 💜💜💜
Good show. The hopscotch game of social rerlations and interactions is fraught with tipping tiles ( thanks to Indiana Jones) triggerd by crossing boundaries with chaging roles mid-speech assumed but not announced or even a conscious move. This dynamic for the auditor is not put into play as the now newspeaker with his/her/their initial and follow up conversation can become miles apart. Perhaps not immediately apparent can grow from mild irritation to a thundering self accusation of grave personal social disfunctioning. And this can happen so fast it may not ever become a consciousn moment for the participants And down the road have later ask yourself "What did I say? What did I intend to say?" since something or someone is so upset and did not stay long and left before an agreed time period we set aside to meet. Awkward. Catching the event in my mind calls for immediate action often in the form of an apology and clarification why and how our conversation went wrong. However this may not be needed "Past is past" so the other may say and think or more bluntly "Drop it, I have!". If we try to press the points so carefully lined up in our mind's talking points we should are,to not assure ourself before hand success, perhaps just the opposite. How you balance these dilemmaa seems to be a case by case question. Though with experiece more generalizing may occur. But if you have someone you trust who advises and not condems check in with them for thoughts and concerns. If they are willing to make this matter a "learning moment" and will stick by you till your skill level gives you confidence in "not blowing it again". And if you are uncomfortable with that approaoch life coaching as a an option is a possibility You take it from there, best outcome.
I have pretty bad face blindness. I dont recognize people and im so glad that I can now disclose my autism and try to be more present and authentic instead of trying to recite generic lines.
RedRock Asrama I have that too. It's called prosopagnosia.
jenlovesthisstuff thanks I knew there was a proper term just not what it was!
It's always hard fro me to know when it's the best time to part ways when hanging out. Usually my best friend has the tact to tell me she is tired or something rather than suffer through my overstaying my welcome.
When I was a child I made "trading cards" of the people in my life. Might be time to revisit that concept.
I had a notebook with pages dedicated o different (inportant) people... until bullies stole it, took photos and shared it online 😒
@@bogeyworman6102 hugs.
This is so useful, I find I am always either totally masking or being totally authentic which are both SO draining in the outside world (not friends or family).
Not to freak anyone out but I have found myself drawn to spending time and trying to form relationships with psychopathic people so far in my life- thank god I've clocked! I think there is a relief I used to find in being around someone who also has a lack of/ unconventional social barriers and is putting on their behaviour a lot of the time... also autistic people are of course very honest and expect other people to be too, and are therefore open to manipulation
My whole life is making more sense! The fact that this stuff isn't what everyone does is a revelation! I laughed so hard when you brought up Anne. She was one of my main personas!
Two lovely humans right there ... bless you both !! ♥♥
The spreadsheet idea is great!
I lost many potential contacts just cause I forgot about them.
Even recently, I went to see a couple of people and thought that we would continue our communication. But 1,5 weeks have passed and I haven’t written them. It’s not a long period of time. But I know that it will grow if I don’t do something. I can turn into months or years.
This is a great eye opening video for me. Thank you.
10:45 omg I feel the same way.
I always overshare
Love this video! It was very validating, relatable, humorous and helpful! Thank you 😊
Yes! Agree
Love this Ella you explain things perfectly
Most of my embarrassing social mistake stories start with "Before I was diagnosed as autistic"
Yuuuup. 😂 me too
Is it a characteristically autistic thing to be wanting to be one genuine authentic self, without variations, with no 'hats'? Hah! Never thought of that in that light. Thanks for the insight, ladies!
I find that I'm really good at code switching actually but it's all masking. Like, I don't think the person I am at work, or at a party, or in class, is the genuine me, it's just a personality that I have developed based on the cumulative responses to my behavior in each situation and the things I've read about how to behave in each situation. I take off the mask and show my actual thoughts and responses to things more the closer I am to someone, but for most other people it's a series of scripts and learned responses that I can choose from to move an interaction along.
Maybe I'm confusing masking with social strategies, but for some reason, this video and the strategies and concepts you shared here were awesome and made total sense, while the subject of masking just immediately infuriates me, lol. I appreciate how you two so clearly explained social strategies in this video. I especially loved the spreadsheet and inner/outer circles concepts and plan to try out both. I really struggle not to overshare or how to act appropriate with different people (talking to my doctor like a friend at a bar pops into mind immediately with some embarrassment, lol). But the idea of only sharing your most personal info with a select few truly close people in your life makes total sense, and being "professional" or more formal with others is so much more appealing than the idea of having to act or play a role in life (I grew up being taught how to mask HARD and constantly, and now as an adult my inner rebel absolutely screams at the idea of masking anymore!).
I would observe how people would succeed in certain situations and how they were acting, so I would *steal* their mannerisms for when I needed them in similar situations... But you're so right, its so inauthentic.
Over the years, I've gotten more and more comfortable not putting on an act for everyone. Sometimes there just isn't the energy for it.
I would often think, I should probably be an actor I'm so good at pretending 😅
Also, if I get engaged in small talk, I try to think of questions to ask (I've got a script in my head for that) so that I don't have to share anything 👀
Also, work is a separate thing... I feel like Im preforming in play at work some days. Some days it takes a day or two to actually decompress for the energy drain of masking.
Thank you!!! A spreadsheet is an amazing idea!
This video is so important to see!!!
But I feel I have not really control over this. When I feel bad I become desperate and than I just tell people whatever I need. It is sometimes impulsive and I dissociate partly from reality because I don't know how to deal with everything.
Honestly I wish people did that more. Things would be easier if we could just say when we need something.
this is a GREAT video. thank you.
This is brilliant! Off to create a spreadsheet of loved ones and a diagram of concentric circles of closeness now. :)
This was so good thank you!
Excellent video!
small talk has me not wording things right or straight up lying just so i can seem engaged and get it over with -_- then afterwards being upset i traded my authentic self just so another person can feel they had a good conversation, but then if the convo goes 'bad' due to my lack of engagement i overthink it as well. its such a tactile game lol
Rules. That's what I think I do. Whenever something happens in my life that I acted the wrong way, I make a rule about that situation. Two rules I can think off of my head is No Lying, not even white lie (my dad lectured me about lying when I lied about where we were going so my mom wouldn't learn of the surprise for her). I'm not sure where I got the other rule, but if someone starts talking to me, I have to respond. My brain tells me it would be rude to stay silent if someone speaks to me. That's why I've chatted on some twitch streamers I watch.
That was so useful, thank you!
Small talk has it's place - with the neurotypical people - the yakkety yaks as Temple Grandin calls them.
You have growth lines for your kids too! 💕
I shared that I had been bullied with my manager and an occupational health worker. Apparently this was the wrong thing to do, so I stopped sharing with anyone.
Similar experiences
Thank you Ella and Ros! ( I'm dyslexic please tell me, have I spelt her name correctly, or does she prefer one s?)
Awesome video, so so much I could relate too. Wrote huge response as usual, then deleted it as usual. Just want you both to know how relevant your video's are and how grateful l am for them. 💜💜💜
I don't know tbh, I go with one S, will ask her when we make our next video.
Purple Ella Thanks! I like to get people's names right if I can..😀
Does Ross( sorry if I spelled her name wrong) has her own channel on UA-cam ?🙃🥰
yall r too cute
Good show. The hopscotch game of social rerlations and interactions is fraught with tipping tiles ( thanks to Indiana Jones) triggerd by crossing boundaries with chaging roles mid-speech assumed but not announced or even a conscious move. This dynamic for the auditor is not put into play as the now newspeaker with his/her/their initial and follow up conversation can become miles apart. Perhaps not immediately apparent can grow from mild irritation to a thundering self accusation of grave personal social disfunctioning. And this can happen so fast it may not ever become a consciousn moment for the participants And down the road have later ask yourself "What did I say? What did I intend to say?" since something or someone is so upset and did not stay long and left before an agreed time period we set aside to meet. Awkward.
Catching the event in my mind calls for immediate action often in the form of an apology and clarification why and how our conversation went wrong. However this may not be needed "Past is past" so the other may say and think or more bluntly "Drop it, I have!". If we try to press the points so carefully lined up in our mind's talking points we should are,to not assure ourself before hand success, perhaps just the opposite. How you balance these dilemmaa seems to be a case by case question. Though with experiece more generalizing may occur. But if you have someone you trust who advises and not condems check in with them for thoughts and concerns. If they are willing to make this matter a "learning moment" and will stick by you till your skill level gives you confidence in "not blowing it again". And if you are uncomfortable with that approaoch life coaching as a an option is
a possibility You take it from there, best outcome.
I don't find conversation enjoyable unless I can talk about my special interest.
Bruh I'm only 6 min in and this is absolutely too hard for me. I cannot. Also doesn't sound fun to withhold what I want to say and guard myself.
I’ve had to get my team leader verify my emails