Dismissive Avoidant - how to know they'll come back
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- Опубліковано 31 січ 2023
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The fact that I still watch every dismissive avoidant video I can get my hands on just shows me that even after all this work and all this time I am still traumatized by my DA. It's a curse.. hope we can all heal
Oh wow this is exactly the thought I had recently.
So many facts to this comment! My DA ex wants to meet for coffee tomorrow after being broken up for 4 months and 2 months of no contact. I’ve done so much work and just keep telling myself that after coffee that I may not hear from him again… setting expectations super low.
What I would love to know is why does and ex DA keep coming back?? Trying again...then leaving again? Makes no sense to me? He wanted the breakup he got it and his space. I don't reach out.... we do NC for months. Then he wants to try again!?? So confusing especially when I'm not driving the contact, communication or reconciliation. It hurts when someone you loves does these things😥
I feel you
I feel for you. I'm in the same boat
I can definitely say that it's true to be able to deal with a DA, you need to be able to take a step back and not take it personally when they withdraw, and realise it's all about them, and their coping mechanisms, not about you. So yes, learn how to self-sooth yourself, and to be able to be in control of your own emotions, and don't expect them to mother you. If you want a hug, you can ask them and you can talk to them about your feelings, just when you are calm and neutral and objective about it, then they will appreciate you for your objectivity. I know that sometimes in the beginning when I cried with my DA, it didn't understand why I was crying, and told me he found it scary. Then when I calmed down and told him why I was upset and just articulated what was going on with me in an intellectual way, and said it would be kind of him if he could give me a hug, then he was relieved and gave me a hug. He then told me that he was just scared that I wasn't able to control myself if I started to be emotional, so I just showed him that even if I was emotional sometimes, I could calm myself down in a short time and could also rationalise and explain what was going on in a way that he could understand and ask him for some support in a way that he was able to provide. That really helped the relationship. We are no contact at the moment, for other reasons, but I do know that at the end of the day we both wanted to feel secure in the relationship, we just had different behaviours and attachment styles and automatic behaviours that we weren't aware of. Having had some therapy and done as much as I can to learn about how trauma works, how the DA and Ap styles work, I realised that sometimes when my DA was withdrawing from me, it triggered abandonment or rejection wounds in me. Now I've had some space during our most recent no contact episode I'm feeling more able to be calm and secure in myself and get on with things in my own life without expecting my partner to necessarily always be there for me. If we see each other again, then I'm hoping that I will be able to be a lot more objective and neutral in relation to him, so that we can talk about what's actually been going on between us in a way that we can both understand better so we can both learn and grow. Whether we get back together or not I don't know, but the important thing is to find your own security in yourself either way. I do agree at the same time, yes, we should be teaching this kind of stuff in schools, how to help people understand emotions and relationships better, rather than confusing kids about what gender they might be, when their brains haven't even fully developed.... !
This is the most rational post I`ve read regarding avoidant people. I hope things are working out between both of you.
I had a similar experience with my DA ex-partner - he didn't know how to react to my emotions and people's emotions in general, except by withdrawing. He was scared and disconnected from his own emotions, too. I showed him that I can regulate my emotions, and I communicated a lot about why I feel and react in certain ways. Once he could see there was actual reasoning behind it, he felt much calmer, more open to sharing about his feelings, and happily provided what was in his abilities to help me feel better. I was very respectful of his boundaries and increased needs for space. We both grew a lot and found peace in our relationship, against all odds. (Separation was due to unrelated obstacles).
Well said, and very insightful for me. Thank you.
@@womanhoodisnotacostume7648agreed. 💯
They’re scared of everything, it’s honestly kind of ridiculous
I reconnected with my DA after 30 years! He said after many relationships he’d realised that I was his most loved partner. I felt that my anxious attachment style might’ve pushed him away AGAIN but his behaviour caused it. We had so many lovely memories shared of all those years ago. He’s just vanished again and I think all I want to feel is that seeing me after 30 years has changed his view of me 😔
Hahahaha this made me laugh 😂
@@ddpoppy6048 Me too, I couldn't stop laughing! He reached out after 30 years and still vanished, yet again! DA's are shit for sure.
As i keep saying
Recreational use only people
Yes, unfortunately...
I just broke up with my DA because of all his DA qualities and I'm starting to think it's for the best. Why would I or anyone want a romantic relationship with someone who doesn't want the romance? A relationship with someone without deep emotional closeness is just friendship. Enjoy what they can offer - friendship - and move on to someone who can give you love.
“DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME” Run as fast and far as you can. They will break your heart a little piece at a time until there’s nothing left. Don’t do it.
😂😂😂 dont try this at home
Lol but it is so true mine change country within a week
😂😂😂😂 Don't try this at home!!!! LOL
Mine got married...to the rebound and is apparently living happily ever after...😂😂😂
@@Sunitha001Happily in reverse. 😂 they are NOT happy
The last slide is hard hitting. Exactly what I wanted
She broke up with me four times after 7 months of dating. For 6 months everything was great but when things started to get serious, when we declared our feelings to each other she started to drifting away. First and third time i was convincing her to stay and doing everything to make her happy. On the second time i backed off, did no contact and after one day she came back to me regreting her decision. On the forth breakup i didnt have any option just to give up and let her go. I was also pissed off at that stage and i showed her that i am done with that shit and i am not going to convince her to be with me if she doesnt want me. I told her "thank you for everything, take care" and walked away. She was shocked and she didnt say a word. Her "reasons" to leave were absolutely ridiculous. I didnt do anything wrong to her. She was just picking up the smallest "flaws" in me and looking basically reason to leave. Now its been two weeks with no contact and i wonder what is in her head right now.
Please keep me posted I'm in the same situation and timeline as you.
@@droflivelife
she actually reached out to me after 5 weeks of no contact. She is reaching out to me everyday for the last two weeks. However she didn't come up with anything significant. We talk like buddys basically about everything and nothing. We don't talk about us and what happenned and why. I think she doesnt want to talk about it. Couple of times she was trying initiate meeting i think asking do i work tomorrow. So i asked her to hang aroud and do shopping like we used to do. She agreed but she cancelled meeting on the day we suppouse to meet. She apollogised and told me that she was very affraid to meet me. When i asked her why she said she was affraid of herself that she would kiss me. Couple of days earlier two times we were flirting with eachother and conversation went very sexual. She even said she would come down to my place for a "cup of tea" if she would be living closer and it wouldn't be so late at night. She is still attracted to me big time but for some reason she is still distanced. It is very confusing for me and i don't really know how to play this game.
@@1224polo
She is playing you and now you are a friend forever.
@@1224poloit’s both funny and heartbreaking because same happened with me . I don’t understand what drives them to come on very hot and then disappear without an explanation. I’m sick of this game. This dynamic occurs due to divine feminine and divine masculine nature. After watching countless videos on this from different approaches I’ve found that until we go to action and doing state in our own environment and focus on our energy to avoid them and focusing on more doing things will turn around and they will awaken to their toxicity and gather healthy energy. So I’m just going to be mindful from now to let that crappy energy back again , I’ll think about it but keep that at bay. Respect urself and ur time. ❤❤
In a similar situation. But now im blocked for a week and she already had rebounds before she said she needed space for the 3rd time in 2 months. She’ll be back but this time im saying no
Like your videos and this form of presentations.
Alexis, if you would be so kind... As you are a self-proclaimed avoidant. There are probably thousands of videos on UA-cam about what a _dismissive_avoidant_ is, what they do, why they do it, how they do it, what they eat, how they sleep, almost what shoe-size they have. But what's glaringly missing is that an avoidant will not accept that you bring their problem up _to_ them. As they'll... *avoid* surprise! So how do you make an avoidant self-aware?
They have to change. That's what makes it so difficult.
I know he will come back. He always does even when I ask him to stay away
We've been together for 5 years we broke up because he said he cant meet my needs and i must find someone else
same! I broke up after almost five years. its been over a month now. did he reach out? I want a man who knows what love is and can show me❤
An a secure person become da and how to change that to be secure again?
My DA rebounded immediately after our 3 years together. When that didn’t work, he came back 3 months later, just to leave again with a second woman. Now he’s in another full blown relationship with the second woman. It has been 6 months since the breakup.
Jesus thats horrific. Im sorry to hear that. Just shows the lack of empathy from these types
Your a side piece when we wants a boredom slice. And youve allowed yourself to be this
How does a reconciliation ever last with a DA or FA if they are not aware or of the understanding of how they control and wreck the relationship? I actually want the reunion because I think the other aspects of the relationship outweigh the work it will take to maintain the new communication styles needed to keep it on course. But if I try to tell her about attachment styles and where I think she is in them, it will send her farther away. 2 mos no contact after messing up NC for several months before that, both her and I.
You have to become more secure, and you have to be ok with the DA taking time on their own and have to learn to be able to do the same. It’s not easy being with a DA. You also have to learn their core wounds and how not to trigger them.
I was with her for 14 years. She left me and we still talk every day unlessI don't reach out and she calls asking what's going on. I have seen her a few times because she wanted to (due to distance). It's been 5 months. When I see her we're together like we haven't been separated. It's very hard and confusing to me.
How did you heal yourself?
What does it mean if my DA ex liked a story I posted (It was a picture of myself) during NO CONTACT? We've been in NC for more than 3 weeks.
Your quiz did nothing, i didnt get results and you snagged my email and personal information. Not cool.
Just reading the title make me sick! Why would you want them to come back???
But not healthy soothing a lot of times