our conception of love is messed up.
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- Опубліковано 14 тра 2024
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what is love? how should we love? is proper loving possible in our current culture? i try to talk about these questions in the video. however, please don't take this as an attack on your relationships -- i fail to treat love the way i say we should as well. it's really difficult to be good at love, and so the best we can do is try :)
✧･ﾟ: ✧･ﾟ: what are the best examples of love that you've come across? *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
TIMESTAMPS:
0:00 intro
1:45 two main questions
3:07 is love passive or active?
8:39 love as an art
14:48 proper love is counterculture
16:14 hyperreal love
19:16 "if he wanted to, he would"
24:08 red flags
25:17 outro
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★・・・・・★・・・・・★
SOURCES:
Asking for a Friend. "Modern concepts of love, sex & pleasure with Dr Sara Nasserzadeh." open.spotify.com/episode/0qJ3...
Baker, Kim. Relationship Red Flags Mini Book (2016).
Baudrillard, Jean. Simulacra and Simulation (1981).
Bell Hooks. All About Love (1999).
Fromm, Erich. The Art of Loving (1956).
Hannah and Shane's UA-cam Channel: / squirmyandgrubs
Philosophize This! "Episode 150 ... The Frankfurt School - Erich Fromm on Love." open.spotify.com/episode/5kUA...
Philosophize This! "Episode 124 ... Simulacra and Simulation." open.spotify.com/episode/0CH7...
StyleLikeU. "Laughing At Your Ableist BS: Shane & Hannah Burcaw Hold A Mirror Up To Your Limited Idea of Love." • Laughing At Your Ablei...
Valkyrist. "Jean Baudrillard's 'Simulacra and Simulation' (notes/reflections)." • Jean Baudrillard's "Si...
Then & Now. "An Introduction to Baudrillard." • An Introduction to Bau...
MUSIC:
Chopin: Nocturne Op. 9 No. 2
Chopin: Nocturne Op. 37 No. 1 in G minor (Moravec)
Ravel: Pavane pour une Infante defunte
Satie: Je Te Veux
Jonny Easton: Wings • Wings - Touching Piano...
tags: social commentary, internet analysis, video essay, analysis video, consumerism, philosophy, hyppereality, love, lover, loving, capitalism, valentine's day, valentines, breakup, post break-up glow up, relationship advice, romance, romantic scene, romance movie film tv show, social media, tiktok, couple goals, relationship goals, tiktok couples, love yourself, self love, girlfriend, boyfriend, toxic relationships, ex, dealing with breakup, shanspeare, jordan theresa, cj the x, tiffany ferg, alice cappelle, contrapoints, philosophy tube, madisyn brown
This video was sponsored by Wren.
"A good relationship shouldnt be 50/50, it should be 60/40 and both parties should want to be the one giving 60." I like this thought.
@@notmean that just screams "good mental health" im so happy for you 🥰
imo that sentiment can only end with resentment, or basically turning your relationship into a one sided competition. strive for giving them all that you can, trusting that they are doing the same for you
@@muir9257 60/40... I mean... You dont need to "trust" that they do it, if you dont get your 40% you dont get your 40%, and thats not good, because the other clearly isnt trying to give 60%. In that Statement is both that a person deserves to get treated well, and should do work in a relationship
not in everything tho as that would be relationship suicide
so a good relationship is 60/60, nice
Love is not the butterflies you feel in your tummy, It is the decision to stay with that person after the butterflies are gone.
That's right. Live is much more complex than the movies and tiktok.
I love this comment, and made me realize if my ex actually loved me, or loved the rush instead. Even after the butterflies started to fade, I wanted to continue, fixing ourselves and becoming better. She left me holding a love note in my hand and a gift behind my back. I never was able to give those things to her, and getting over her took longer than the relationship lasted for
@@michaelromano7490 must be tough, but you will rise stronger from that experience. Your next relationship will be much more mature and stable. I wish you peace and wisdom.
@@michaelromano7490 I’m so sorry about that. The same thing happened to me. Peace and love
holy shit
You know my girlfriend has serious anxiety. She cannot drive, doesn’t have a job, struggles getting outside. I drive 4 hours to see her drive her everywhere, pay for her meals, and many would wonder why I would do that? I have had girls do that kind of thing and I dropped them quickly, but with her it just doesn’t feel that way. It’s really the smile on her face. The love in her eyes. Her jumping into my arms before I leave and when I come back because she is just so happy for me to be there. Her telling me about her great things, her struggles, all of her. It’s the little note she left on my bed that still brings tears to my eyes of her saying “thank you for believing in me, I love you.” Its the thoughtful little gifts she gives. That makes it worth it. Her giving isn’t big, but I know its big for her and that makes it worth it.
Beautiful, you two are inspiring.
This made me smile ,thanks and dude ur amazing , you have all my respect hope you 2 never break up
@@PingluzIf they break up, I hope they both can still be functional and go on with their lifes with mostly good memories.
My girlfriend at the time was kind of like this for a while. She had severe anxiety and depression, struggled getting out of bed, doesn’t have her drivers license, and ended up quitting college after her 3rd year due to health problems. She did and still does display the affection you described and we’re married now, she was so anxious about me being the only one working for a while but I always reassure her. We are living a wonderful life together and she is now finding her calling as a virtual assistant, and is helping me achieve my dreams as well. I wish you continued success with your relationship.
I had a girlfriend that used to do things like that, and I fucked everything up.
I hope one day I'll get to be friends again with her but until then I'll work on becoming better myself
"What is love besides two souls trying to heal each other?"
- Pierce The Veil
i’m a month late to your comment but your covers are awesome! i’d like to admit we have the same music taste actually 😅 pierce the veil is a great use of a quote for this video too
Souls don't exist
@@elpeluca7780, I'm sorry for your loss
I love pierce the veil
I always thought that band sucked ass, but that is a very clever and thought-provoking line.
I hate tiktok for popularizing “self-love” as being ignorant and not properly communicating with your partner. People really do think they are professional psychologists after watching a 15 second video from a stranger.
natural selection at this point
right, you need a 25min video from a stranger
@@goerges388 lmfao gottem
@@goerges388 yes. because 25 minutes is much more formal and informational than a 15 second clip.
so what was your point again?
I’m not going anywhere
"If soulmates do exist, they're not found, they're made. People meet, they get a good feeling, and then they get to work building a relationship."
That's from the good place!
f a c t s
Is this from a book ? If so can u tell me the name :DD
@@eyahidouri1856 its from a series called "the good place" I highly recommend it :D
AHHH THE GOOD PLACE!!❤️😭
As someone who finds herself getting sucked into the unrealistic world of tiktok, this video was a refresher for my brain. I'm glad I came across it and can look back on this when I find myself unintentionally setting unrealistic expectation on my boyfriend just cause tiktok says "if he wanted to he would".
Same. I basically live in a fake world.
Just delete tiktok at this point lol
golden advice@@melissawong7751
I think there's a bit of merit to what people say as it teaches you to ALSO care about your own needs and wants in a relationship (esp when women were historically taught to just settle for shitty treatment), but you can't just take it and run with it, or else it becomes a matter of chasing something unreal and dehumanising your partner
Delete your tiktok girl...
"We often mistake love for fireworks, for drama and dysfunction. But real love is very quiet, very still. Love is deep and calm and constant"
-The Silent Patient
The Silent patient ??
oh
That book was ass.
@@elieteboul4001 It's a book
@@rabiyashakeel1083 I liked it, it's not the best book of the world but it's entertainig
"People watch a 15 seconds clip online and suddenly everyone's got a psychology degree"
You should put that on a golden plate
so true
Hahahaha as an actual psychology major, this made me laugh
Brilliant
tell that to tiktok kids
the biggest of facts
Finally, someone telling me what is love instead of responding with,”Baby don’t hurt me.”
NO MORE
@@bluetie1058 I hope both sides of your pillow are warm tonight
now i'm forced to listen it again
Hauwauwauwaaauuu...
THIS IS GOLD
Man, this video really called me a delusional person, because I am very much influenced by social media's take on love. I needed this so much. SO DAMN MUCH. Thanks for the reality check!
When I started studying pickup, I saw how distorted society's view of love is. Silence is golden. Having disagreements and talking about them is normal. Attraction is made out of understanding.
Ironically, it's society's misconception of how love works that makes people awkward. We think that nodding along and not being a downer works, when it makes you awkward. We want to make a grand gesture when small interactions are what create happiness. We want to shower the other person with praise to be "empathetic" when a single, genuine compliment that starts a conversation is better.
Don't believe in everything said on internet. It's just her view, her take on this.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it isn’t not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
So now faith love and hope abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
Amen 🙏🏽❤️🔥
not true at all....
@@goldensloth7Corinthians 13:8
Love never fails. If it fails, it was never love. If it's real, love will find a way back to you.
my dad had a saying:
“love is 10% about finding the right partner, 90% about BEING the right partner.”
The old man’s wise
Id like to think otherwise 100% finding the right partner 0% being the right one, i don’t believe in changing who i am for no one.
@@epicenterbasshd9636 thing is no one has to be in a romantic relationship or long term partnership. However, any kind of relationship will require some amount of work, doesn't mean changing who you are, it just means learning how to love someone who isn't you.
@@PeterEhik you are 100% right brotha
@@epicenterbasshd9636 that’s not what Gabri said but okay.
My fave quote about being in love. "I love you not only for who you are but for who I am when I am with you"
👍🏻
I constantly hear this being called red flag, but i feel like this is true. We should be with those who make us naturally act like a good calm productive loving person, not an anxious long face that fakes looks and character
That's a good one. My "other half" and I used to bring out the best in each other, for each other. "Home" wasn't a place for us, it was being together.
But that implies that you're a fake. I'm the same person all the time, I don't change for ppl lmao
Absolutely. Especially because around someone who really loves you you can be yourself, so you learn to love yourself more within a healthy relationship.
I feel like i need to watch this every morning for at least 6 months straight
Same lol
gurl same i was crying so bad then i found this video. this helps me to stop crying and get a hopes
so true
I realised that hyperrealism had an impact on me when I was about 14/15. I stopped watching romantic related shows and movies and focused more on real life interactions. I am now 19 and my perception of love is just so much more authentic and I feel relived by not letting imagination dictate my mind.
It is alarmingly often that people forget that movies and social media are not real life
wait until you hit 30
love is a 60/40 relationship where each person tries to be the 60%
my personal interpretation is its 100/100. each person puts their own 100% as much as they can. it may not translate to a 60/40 or 50/50 in the overall rs but its the effort that matters
@@thatperson8741 they both have to add up to 100%, so 100%*x+100%*x is 200%*x, only when x=0, 100%*x + 100%*x = 100%*x
@@seth4298100+100=100
@@thatperson8741thats not what it means 50/50 effort means you both put the same amount of effort, not that both people use 50 percent effort.
@@thatperson8741 this 60/40 isnt working, I want 100 of your time youre mine
I think red flags got popularized because everyone is in such a hurry nowadays that they want to "be happy while skipping as many bad/painful steps" as possible and so we want a "ruleset" to follow in order to protect ourselves from said painful steps
I think it's also this idea that whenever things go bad in a relationship, it happened specifically because of something the _other_ person was doing. "My last relationship had trait X and we ended up fighting and breaking up. Clearly trait X is a deal-breaker." This completely ignores the possibility that relationship troubles could be caused by a number of interacting factors.
It's also that people just don't want to invest into each other. No-one wants a fixer-upper. "It's not MY responsibility to manage YOUR issues!" is such a toxic way of looking at relationships. Obviously, there is something to be said for not starting a relationship with someone who is severely mentally ill, but discarding someone because they may have insecurities or some emotional troubles is way too high a bar. EVERYONE has some emotional issues, and helping each other to overcome them is the most beautiful aspect of a relationship.
It was mainly for obvious safety reasons. Like if someone brings up all their ex's unprovoked and goes on and on about crazy THEY were. Then yeah a red flag.
Agreed
It’s a good and bad thing. Looking out for red flags is important so that you know what is good and bad for you before the relationship or even within a relationship. I’ve known so many friends relapse into depression and SH because of how fucked up their “lovers” have treated them and this is because they simply didn’t know the red flags bc they were slight, they were slow, and a creeping toxin you don’t realize you are in until it’s too late. It’s never a bad thing to be informed, it’s never a bad thing to point out bad traits of a person, such as being judgmental to other people and yourself, being very boundary breaking, etc etc. What I DONT agree with with “red flag culture”, are the people who consider a person named “Kyle” a red flag, or someone who wants to take pride in weight lifting as red flag, or a someone who wears a shit ton a makeup as a “red flag”. It’s when people judge people based on innocent interests and thing they can’t control when things get too ridiculous. If you tone down red flags to silly minuet things, then the REAL red flags start to fade to pink, and we are back to square one to red flags being this invisible toxin we don’t realize we are in until it is too late.
Me basically 🤭
When you said “Giving love is not about giving material objects, it’s about giving you as a person. Sharing your thoughts, your humour, your joy and your sadness. That’s what giving love is.”
That whole quote really stuck to me.
It feels like 90% of the problems mentioned in this vid start with "when you see this on tik Tok". Lads, try to stay off social media. And when you're on it, be ready to constantly remind and sometimes even convince yourself that what you see is everyone at their absolute best, and EVERYONE has flaws in their relationship.
tiktok is the WORST
"you can't be a good piano player by only playing when you feel like it" felt like a slap on my face
I felt that one too
I honestly don't agree with that one, forcing yourself to play will only burn you out.
And when i don't even enjoy playing piano anymore, why bother getting good?
Gonna edit this cause there's some more things i wanna add:
-If you play when you feel like it, you're gonna perceive playing piano as a fun activity, and in turn, you will practice more often
-Obviously you're not gonna improve if you barely practice, so you gotta make practice interesting for yourself. I like to learn by playing songs that i enjoy listening, and while classical music is wonderful, i have the most fun playing Van Halen or The Doors :)
@@Anon-fg3zw but you will not be a good piano player
@@676marvin I think it depends on how motivated or disciplined you are
If you manage to force yourself to practice everyday, hats off to you but i think the vast majority of people won't manage to do that
And if you're really motivated, you can practice pretty much everyday since it's fun to you
In 4 months of voluntary and independent guitar practice, I improved way more than in 4 years of guitar lessons
The reason: While playing classical pieces my teacher told me to play, i could get myself to practice once a week or something
While trying to play Metallica songs, I practiced everyday. Tricky stuff didnt bother me, because it's incredibly rewarding to finally be able to play those tricky parts
I guess it depends on the type of person you are
@@Anon-fg3zw there's a lot of lazy people out there who don't necessarily hate playing piano so whatever you're saying doesn't work
A wise person once said "If you want to have a friend, be a friend."
I love that so much!!
This is so so good! sums up the entire “giving” theme of the vid pretty well
Yeah and it applies to everything, love it 🫶🏼
I think of love both passively AND actively. I believe love is out there, I just need to go find it. I know I have to work on MYSELF before I can love anyone else. I know love needs time and effort, but I feel I need to find someone worthy of that time and effort. I’m in no rush.
THIS!!!
THISSSS
This understanding of love prepares you to be a better parent as well. Kids cannot give anything material to you initially, but your acceptance of what they do give teaches them to continue giving love for their entire life.
This is very pertinent.
the term 'red flag' is definitely being misused, but i always thought red flags were originally supposed to indicate possible future abuse, not that a person might have traits you can't stand.
It is. That was the original meaning. I think part of what has happened is that certain ideas and words and phrases are being taken from their original context and misused. Likewise, with "if he wanted to, he would", which originally referred to not making excuses for partners who are being incredibly selfish and neglectful, aren't contributing to housework, aren't considering the woman's pleasure, etc. AFTER the issues have repeatedly been raised.
I think the biggest factor in watering down and changing the meaning has been social media. A similar thing has happened with terms like "gaslighting." It's so unhelpful.
I only see a small portion of the web because algorithms, but I've mostly seen it for indicators of someone who is emotionally or physically abusive, neglectful, and so on. There are also people who use it kind of jokingly like "My last 3 gamer boyfriends were abusive so if he games he's abusive". I've never seen it be used for anything else.
Its new use is misleading though, it infers that if 9 out of 10 people with perms i've *personally* had contact with were abusive then all of them are. Or that a behavior is always correlated with another. It goes against what these people supposedly believe, for it is prejudice/bias in its purest form. Those same people would be in shock if someone told them "colored hair = crazy" or something else like that.
A red flag is someone losing their temper during a date and showing aggressive behavior, as an example, not "omg he/she chews so loud *reD fLaG* "
I always thought it was something like
little signs that tell you to stay away from a person because if you stay you are in for a ride (not the good kind)
like being too possessive, getting angry at small things, trying to guilty trip/gaslighting/whatever you, etc
from a male perspective, it’s terrifying what women are being told because all i want is someone who reciprocates my effort and cares about me for who i am, instead of someone who just only loves me for what i give them
I guess it goes both ways, women get love for their Beauty/body (aka as Sexobjects, as long as they fit into the beauty standard) and men get loved for what they can offer (in terms of material stuff). Both sucks and is very superficial.
@Sine Nomine a good father to your children a shoulder to cry on a protector a problem solve a maintenance do a jar opener a heavy object lifter an ear to listen comfort someone to chase away irrational fears. All these things are possible if you’re willing to sit talk be honest and don’t expect him to become emotional.
@Sine Nomine It's like you didn't watch the video. Why are you approaching love with what does he have to offer me? Why does it sound like you have such contempt for your partners? None of those behaviors take place in a vacuum, did you try to understand where they were coming from? depression from work? anxiety and stress from pressure to perform? could stem from a lot of problems they could be to afraid to come forward with. But yes if you view relationships as a transactional interaction you're probably going to be unsatisfied with your partners, spending your life looking down on the inferior selfish men. Or you can seek to understand whats going on below the surface and seek to be understood yourself. Relationships are hard and messy and take effort and maintenance to maintain. There are no perfect people who are going to behave as you want them to.
@Sine Nomine Actually just try watching the video from the 19 minute mark.
@Sine Nomine have you tried communicating with these men?
We aren't mind readers, if you're not assertive enough to tell your partner a problem with your relationship thats a *you* problem.
If you date jerks you'll get jerks
INCREDIBLE! You are very very close to the understanding Buddha found. A human conception of love is conditional, or “transactional” and it only happens when a lover meets our preferences. Unconditional or “divine” love is loving regardless of the person being loved. And no matter what. The purest form of love is loving your enemy. Letting go of your preferences reveals this unconditional love and it’s very freeing and transformative.
i know
This girl is precious and i hope she finds someone with a similar mindset because they'll be the happiest ever.
She mentioned having a boyfriend at one point in this video.
omg this is exactly it. In my experience people don't believe in love anymore, many people cheat because they assume their partner is cheating anyway. It's really pathetic.
Too true. X
People also forget talking is a thing. They assume, think of scenarios but never discuss the issue instead letting it fester
@Vicky Its just a sign of sociopathy. If your partner is cheating you missed a lot of red flags.
Anymore compared to when?
@Vicky oh yah gold digging is getting more common between men and women.
“In relationships, red flags are signs that the person probably can't have a healthy relationship and proceeding down the road together would be emotionally dangerous,” explains Dr. Wendy Walsh, PhD, a clinical psychologist who specializes in relationships.
A lot of people have there own ideas of red flags and some of it is just stupid and paranoia
It just got memefied and subconsequentially vanalized, but it is still a useful tool for people outside of Tiktok to not fall into abusive relationships.
Those are talking about real red flags. The type of red flags that are not too uncommon are, for example, if your boyfriend/girlfriend wont give you their snapchat password. Thats not a red flag, that is you stepping over boundaries. I dont want my girlfriend to have all my passwords but she also doesnt think im hiding anything. I dont think my girlfriend is hiding anything at all because i trust her. There are many “red flags” in my relationship but not any actual red flags.
@@danieldootchifer2106 In fact, someone asking for a pass is the red flag here.
@@spaghetti5914 completely agree. Well actually in specific situations its different. If you are very open about things and your SO asks for it, thats not a big deal. If they get defensive or gets mad that you wont, thats the red flag. There are plenty of good reason why someone would want your password. 1. If they need to message a specific person but doesnt want them knowing their own snapchat account. 2. If they want to maybe pull a prank in the future. 3. If they want to do an appreciation post on a special but they arent in the same location for whatever reason. But if they get mad/defensive/or try to guilt you, then yes that is an actual red flag :)
To me, loving someone else and making them happy is it's own reward. As is having your boundaries and respect your friend's or partner's.
Love is more like gardening than painting
My parents have never really celebrated Valentine’s Day, they say to me that “it’s the same as any day, we still love each other as much as we did yesterday”
very inspiring Mao
lmao your name and pfp-
as always, Mao is right
Thank you mao
Quotations from Chairman Mao Tse-tung
The biggest takeaway for me here is that getting in a relationship and maintaining one are two completely different set skills.
!!!
and then maintaining short term vs long term is a whole different skill set again
if thats ur main takeaway you need better comprehension skills lol
@@johnmiller4895 well, op said "biggest takeaway" not "main/only takeaway", perhaps that one in particular stood out for them or something. no need to be so passive aggressive! 😊
@@wcnpil This is only a takeaway someone has if theyve never been in a relationship before. The fact that people lack this knowledge is concerning but thats besides the point. Allow me to correct myself. If thats ur *biggest takeaway then you need better comprehension skills.
I never really knew what love was, at 13 I was in an abusive relationship and got r worded, and it was all "love", i had thought, but I never learned what it was, I mean, I was only 13 and I still have so much to learn. Thank you so much for this video
I’m so sorry you went through that. I hope you can heal and find healthy, real love.
You got retarded?
When one views love as only feelings and that it has to be this perfect thing. They are doomed to be loveless for as long as they live. Love is not only a feeling, but a choice, a commitment. One must decide who is worth committing to.
I’m part of gen z and this is the FIRST TIME someone has ever mentioned how wrong these things sound and explained it so well!
@@a3s1rr88 every human being is capable of the same level of complex thought. Many of them likely have reasons they treat love the way they do and they likely have reasons they haven't questioned it the way you or I have. There was some point in your life where you accepted these things without questioning them, and there are many things that you currently accept without question that you may one day look back on in awe of what you thought.
I think it's important to have empathy for the people around you. Because the truth is that you aren't special, but that isn't a bad thing. It's a gift; it means everyone you'll ever meet has the capacity to change and grow.
@@a3s1rr88 yeahhh, sometimes it’s actually disturbing seeing the distorted views and realities of everyone around my age.
@@lsh7098 I really agree with you honestly. TikTok is doing nothing but provoking teenagers to collectively ruin themselves and take others with them
@@a3s1rr88 Same and I feel like I’m the only zoomer who’s really mature, chill, happy, and a good person on this planet. I just hope I’m not the only zoomer on this planet that is like this though
I worry for generation z and I’m apart of it.
This is mainly one of the reasons why people need to go outside and explore for themselves rather than relying on dull-witted and empty-headed TikTok.
You are correct, Shakespeare
people have no community to guide them anymore so they turn to the internet for advice, and who would have thought the internet is toxic.
@@Sunrah then get off of it. I truly don't understand why people who hate the internet continue to interact with it.
Quick tip everyone, delete TikTok and you have already improved your life quality
@@hachi7100 I think even the toxicity can be addicting, just like some people IRL crave drama. It gives you an adrenaline boost but also makes you feel like crap.
Good advise still, lets be kind to ourselves and stop surrounding ourselves with unnecessary negativity.
My husband and I have been very much in love for 10 years now. We get along so well and he is my best friend. I would say find someone who shares similar morals and values with you, not starting the relationship off for the wrong reasons like superficially or for money or status, but that you respect and admire them as a person and just generally like talking to them. Because what you really want to be able to do is to build and maintain a healthy, steady and strong bond with that person. We learned a lot of communication skills and I studied healthy relationship dynamics and we both did therapy and personal development. We really just try to stay as non toxic as we can with each other and continually check in to make sure that we are still in a healthy place. So yea, I would say find somebody you like, and who is willing to work on themselves and learn the skills that you need to learn to be able to maintain a healthy relationship, because that way you won’t fall out of love as easily in the relationship later in time.
Oh my god.
To whoever does your editing:
I am Impressed by the background-music: It matches the topic, the intensity the timing and the general flow of your speech very well!
i feel like the phrase, “true love comes to those that wait” should instead be “true love comes to those that wade.” Those that wade through the sometimes rocky, sometimes unsure times in a relationship, but persevere because there is genuinely something special to your partner that you can see but no one else can.
Or they could just be toxic and a shit person don't stay W people who treat you bad
I bet you don’t have a single wrinkle on your brain lol
A+ for your english. I went full on "WOAAHHH YES GURL" reading this re-interpretation 😂.
@@urdadsonic1036 im talking about when that new feeling of butterflies starts to fade, you start to see the person as another human and not an object of desire. Of course if the person is being abusive you leave them? But you cant expect every relationship between two imperfect humans to be without some friction.
This could go both ways. It could improve to as a person to give love to your partner and not give up. Or potentially make you stay in a harmful relationship where you mental and sometimes physical health is in danger
“If he wanted to, he would” is so messed up. Tell your partner what you want. Don’t assume that they already know. Your partner will be receptive to your words and wants and thoughts. If you’re with the right person, they won’t make you feel guilty for telling them what you want.
My fiancé is wonderful. We’ve been together for 2 years as of tomorrow. At the beginning, I figured he would know how to make me feel loved. He did, a little, but our relationship grew so much stronger after I *told him what I wanted from him*. He felt able to do the same with me, and we’re both happier for it. He’s my best friend in the world, I’m in bed next to him right now, and all of this is possible only because we communicated.
Happy 2 year anniversary 🥳
A good chunk of my friends all have stable relationships. And just like yours, they all share a common thread: communication. I haven’t had a relationship in my lifetime but I know enough to know that communication is what makes it work. Every story I read of happy relationship is all built on communication. So yes, let your intentions be known. Tell them what you want. Hear out what they want. Understand each other.
Congrats on two years together :) here’s to forever!
Exactly, communication is important, a lot of people drop little hints, but not everybody is gonna be able to pick up on all these little things, just tell your partner "hey, I think we should do XYZ more" it makes it a lot better on both partners
I still agree with "If he wanted to, he would". The phrase is not necessarily about reading your mind. But if you say you want something and it is realistic for your situation, then "If he wanted to, he would". You shouldn't have to beg for what you want and need in a relationship. I had to BEG my ex for us to go out. Never took me out. My current boyfriend, I say "We should go on a date". He's like "Okay, when". Or "We should go to the Museum". Or "Let's visit XYZ". There is no begging...because he wants to, so he does.
@@427skies while yes, you describe it well, the phrase still doesnt work, you have to communicate, what if he wants to take you out but is too shy to ask you? Or wants to know if youre busy but doesnt know how to ask without sounding needy? This phrase doesnt apply to every single guy, because there could be a number of reasons as to why he isnt, not to mention you dont hear "if she wanted to, she would" sometimes it goes the other way around where the women refuse to treat their men to anything, because they wait for him to make the approach, which puts pressure on him and leads to the relationships downfall
Love is "willing the good of the other". It's not the same as affection or sexual attraction. People today get those things all twisted up, which is why people break up or get divorced when the affection/attraction dries up.
“love is to nurture the flourishing of someone else and you recognize your own worth through their flourishing”
woww these words literally changed my mind
Another thought I had: a lot of people posting about love these days are EXTREMELY young, like 15, 16, etc who are in relationships. Unfortunately, immature love is often a commodity. For example: you learn about the concept of a "crush" in elementary school, and then pick the "best" member of the opposite sex in your class to develop artificial feelings for and even "date." It's about getting that person to like you back, not necessarily sharing a deep emotional intimacy - it is a material conquest. It is a part of growing up, but with the development of social media, young people are displaying this type of affection as real. Young teens describe dramatic love triangles to their impressionable audience which normalizes this one-dimensional perception of what it is to love someone.
Pfffft, exactly, a material conquest. Your comment is so on point. 👉
This is so true. I’m a freshman in high school and I notice that everyone around me seems to have a significant other. They post about each other constantly. I was talking to my mother about it, and she said when she was my age, everyone had s/o’s but it was never as serious as it is today. They’d go out and break it off after a week and move on. Today, it seems as if teenagers want to grow up faster, and one of the ways they achieve this is by dating. I notice that a lot of my peers post about how they “love” their boyfriend/girlfriend, and act as if they’ll be together forever. They have this fantasy that they’ll marry each other, but it’s such an unrealistic ideal. It usually ends up with them breaking up in a couple of weeks. I’ve always thought of those people as extremely immature, but I’ve come to the conclusion that they are just young and stupid. I’ve never dated anyone. I could’ve had a girlfriend; in fact she thought that we were dating, but I had to reject her because I’m young and simply don’t have the time to commit to something that my other partner will want me to commit to. It’s funny to me that everyone my age automatically jumps to the first person that shows them any affection and they end up dating, even though there is no chemistry. It’s been pushed from society for a while.
you made a great point here! it’s so frustrating to see people my age treat love like it’s a toy and not something to act with and grow in😭
@@yourstruly4145 i totally understand what you are saying, i feel the same way and i´m not even from USA (i´m from latin america, argentina, and i feel that everyone wants to be in their twenties)
@@martutroity5251 I believe it's universal. I've had friends from other countries and it's still the same. Social media has contributed to this tremendously. I've also noticed people's appearances change as well. For instance, fashion has went from Justice clothing and cheap lipgloss with blue eyeshadow to revealing dresses and crop tops with full faces of makeup. I fully believe in expressing yourself how you want, but just look at the change from early 2000s compared to now.
The most important lesson I've ever learned about this subject, put most simply:
LOVE AND ROMANCE ARE NOT SYNONYMOUS.
Thisss. My parents aren't romantic people that much, but they say they love eachother till the end of their days. The most romantic thing any of my parents has done to the other was gifting a rose and a book for St George's day (my mom bought my dad the rose while my dad bought her the book, changing the usual tradition of the men gifting flowers and the women gifting the books just bc they felt like they wanted to) and a plushie for their first anniversary (my dad gifted her dog plushie after they were talking about having a dog together). They say the show their love to the other in more mundane things; such as hugging the other while watching movies in the sofa, talking while lying in bed before sleeping, "insulting" the other as a game or serving the other a meal they like.
@@zarinapena5846 are u from Catalonia? 😋
@@MrsManette No, but I grew up and I live in Castellón. Catalunya is so beatiful! És una zona meravellosa i molt bonica!
Ok and?
@@zarinapena5846 agree 😊😊
I realized this while actually falling in love, before my conception was based off of social media and movies,but whatever u said I realized only now. Love doesn’t mean seeing ones flaws and ignoring them seeing them as non-existent, instead it’s seeing those flaws nd helping them to improve and make themselves a better person, that means us too, we become better ppl when we love someone it teaches us patience and empathy and understanding people’s situations without judgment,and still continue to love them by seeing and knowing those flaws and insecurities.
I've been in a few relationships, and what has helped me most so far was literally to love myself first. I've done that step. And now I don't feel like I have to rely on anyone else to keep me happy or to give me their love, I already have my own. They are now just an extention of me, and I am an extention of them, we're not "each others half", we are whole and work in two wholes that make one. I never again want to be in a relationship where I feel like if I left and pulled my half out of the deal all of them would collapse.
Now I am still looking and searching, but not relying on finding that one true love. I can be patient. Even if I grow old and am alone I'd still be happy.
This quote from Game of Thrones really sums it up well: ""Love didn't just happen to us. We built it slowly over the years, stony by stone. It’s not as exciting as secret passion in the woods, but it is stronger. It lasts longer. " - Catelyn Stark
And catelyns love is the perfect example of actual love. She married the less handsome stark brother,a dude who looked generic, a dude who was boring,normal,not at all like his hot,charming brother. Yet they forged probably the strongest relationship in the entire series because of how they treated each other as a couple.
@@niranjanrajesh1058 True, but that's partially luck. They both happened to be extremely dutiful people who cared more for others and their ideals than themselves. It's like, instead of trying to fit two complicated puzzle pieces together...you're just connecting two squares.
@@dingusrevolver idts. Catelyn was into the charming type. She was initially disappointed when she saw ned,but she came to love him for his heart,his demeanour
That’s the same quote I always think of as well
@@niranjanrajesh1058 and probably the only healthy relationship in the entire show
“It only makes you confident because you feel more desirable” made me cry
this girl has hands 😭💀
I honestly disagreed with that because most of the time when you do things that make you feel confident it makes you feel confident because YOU like it. Sure it could because you want to conform to societies standards so badly that it blinds you own opinions on how you can look but for a lot of people feeling confident stems from projecting how they feel on the inside to the outside and not caring about what others think. That is true confidence because if you have the confidence that is only there because you feel more desirable it’s not really what confidence is because a little part of you won’t like how you look just like what others think of you. But also idk this is just what I thought and wanted to share in case anyone found this interesting. And btw I am using you as in you in general not you personally because I don’t even know you lol. Also pls don’t judge my name I made this account when i was like 9 and don’t know how to change it
@Luver 88 k
@Luver 88 coming from my experience I agree with it
l found it quite peculiar that girls tend to focus on upgrading the outside to feel better instead of learning and growing internally, that girl changed every possible thing on her body yet she's still the same person as she started, ok
"Love isn't do this for me and I'll do this for you that's not what love is, love is just I'll do this for you because I want to do this for you"
as my internet dads from cinema therapy say: "love is a decision, and it is hard work." you know you're saying the right things when an expert on the topic (a professional couples therapist) agrees with you! i thank you for this video, now i know how to express what i've been thinking in words. these girls in my dorm are always talking about wanting boyfriends and stressing about it, and are always asking me how i got into a healthy long term relationship. I tried explaining it, but im not as good with words and haven't done a fraction of the research you've done! thank you for spreading the love idc if it's cheesy!
I think it’s very interesting that you chose Leonardo DiCaprio’s role in this movie (which I don’t know lol) as an example of hyperreal or reality-detached love. Leonardo DiCaprio is almost like the perfect example for this concept as most of his romantic roles show him as the perfect man who will always stick beside his love; when in actuality, he will dump her at 25. I know it’s a tired joke, but, it does relate to the subtopic of not being able to compare the love you do or don’t have to hyperreal examples.
The movie was The great Gatsby. Nice flick
dicaprio’s character in this movie is not a perfect man, rather just delusional. he came from poverty and got infatuated by the idea of loving someone so different from him. he thought rich & sophisticated = deep but the woman he chased was as shallow as they come.
@itsy-bitsy spider
Thank you for letting me know 😊!
@@itsy-bitsyspider What?? I read it for a high school English class and oh man did we come to an entirely different conclusion. We read the first few chapters independently and came back to have a big excite upon finding that we all thought the main character gay and infatuated with Gatsby, fascinated and curious with all he does and seeing him in his big house with his grand parties. Our teacher laughed and told us that there was waaayyyyy more to the book but that that was a part of it. Isn’t that funny?
Edit: I look it up as I did recall the protagonist never actually having attraction towards women and uhhh, looks like he really was gay. While there’s much more to the book, admittedly the reason I remember only that is as I read it during testing season, heh.
Edit 2: I’ll repeat that this was the conclusion we came to after the first few chapters, we’d not gotten into the rest of the entirety of the book ahaha
@@that0nerandomperson374 he literary had two relationships with women( short fling with jordan and a coworkers sister) if you every bother to pay attention to the book. Why is it that straight women project gayness on to every male character? never mind that it doesn't help representation. the author was a straight man in the 1920s. tell your tumbler class to learn to read. a man can look up to another man believe it or not.
The valentines Day thing isn't important. During this year's valentine's our bio teacher said that he doesn't celebrate it because he loves and appreciates his wife every day. That was the most beautiful thing I have ever heard.
aweeee
I only take valentine's as an excuse to go on a nice day and give gifts to my bf because a special day like that takes us out of our busy, routine based lives. It's a boost of happiness and just quality time
That's so sweet!
(Also, I read bio teacher as "biological teacher" and was profoundly confused for a second there :P )
I celebrate the days after Valentine's because that's when all the chocolate and stuff is 50% to 90% off 😂.
Yeah, our history teacher to.d us that he doesn’t need to marry his girlfriend because he knows he loves her and doesn’t need some random certificate to actually confirm that
I'm 42 and i agree with a lot said, but i also feel like just the obsession with love is more about desperation.
I also start questioning if it's even a goal or value worthy of seeking.
I am not a fan of the commodification of relationships but i feel like telling people love more... Creates a resentment and "debt" for the other person.
To be frank, i've been celibate (by choice) for about 20 years after my dip into relationships early on and then decision to dip out.
It's just cycles of emotional addiction and loss and....i feel the cycles help to push some to character development, but mostly it's just a mess.
I don't know. I think it's a viewpoint that you can't understand unless you choose to opt out of the situation.
You’re a very articulate person and I really appreciate how you don’t over complicate what you’re trying to communicate.
"We Accept the love we think we deserve"
me watching my cat biting my hand: 🥰
As vantagens de ser invisível
No wonder why I've always been single
Me being hateful to myself: ❤❤❤❤❤❤
That just creates egocentric, overly confident people
“people focus on making themselves as lovable as possible rather than loving” really resonates with me
Because this Is the Truth
Nah man, seriously trying to be nice with others will always hurt when we have expectatives, I just wish more people notice when someone is trying and at the very least, reciprocate
Same, but I like the active love mind set. I'd like to change and I'm going to.
ex-gf wrote down for 2 years before even talking to me when & where I got off / on the same bus-line as her, in order to catch the same bus to see / observe me many times, sometimes even running to catch an earlier one or waiting for the next one (they only drive all hours, sometimes all 30min). She also saw me at random places with random ppl in the city & remembered everything, even gave me a nickname before we knew each other she used to talk about me to friends and family. She would stand vis-a-vis on the opposite side of the train-tracks of me while I was waiting for my train. The very first time she saw me she filmed me on her phone & sent it to her best friend to show her "how hot I was". She apparently fantasized about me & imagined how I screwed her while m***urbating. After the 2 years of doing this & observing me, she pretended to confuse me due to masks to talk to me & 2 months later talked to me again on another occasion, so I invited her on a date and we got together very quickly. She broke up with me after 3 months of telling me exery day that she loved me and everything about me with the words "I can't imagine us spending time together without having sex", "I lost my feelings for you idk why" and "Just look at our relationship as if it was an expired phone contract", not to forget "Even if I knew what the problem was / why I lost my feelings for you, I'd still not want to continue the relationship, because I just don't feel like it anymore", "Most of the relationship was good, at least I'm not afraid of sex anymore" at last: "I break contact very quickly, you don't even have to do much ot anything (meaning me I'd guess), a friend of mine once said sth wrong so I broke contact with her"
Honestly, I think people mostly focus on getting themselves a good love, rather than putting in an effort to change. Not that I am one to judge. Change is hard.
Love is something you build. If you do happen to fall into it, you still have to build a foundation around it to protect it and give it strength.
I already feel this way and definitely align with the giving aspect of active love. I couldn't help but think of my friends and family as you spoke because those are the relationships that have always showed me true love. The practice of "giving each other our personhood" and approaching it like an art puts into words a concepts I've felt for a long time. Thank you Olivia
"love is to nurture the flourishing of someone else."
THAT ONE GOT ME. WWOOOOOWWW SO GOOD
it' s perfect
That made me realize some things. Very nice
So be a hard working and considerate person, and you’ll be fine ;)
mm yes. I believe that having a partner, being in a relationship... they should be able to compliment the lifestyle you already have, improving it, and vice versa. They aren't your "missing part", they don't complete you either. You make each other's life better and help each other grow.
yet girls just take the nurturing and sit on their ass looking for other guys.
That bit about random strangers on TikTok making you question your healthy relationship is too fucking real. I've met an unfortunate number of people who were in a strong relationship with a person who sincerely cared about them and they torpedoed their own ship by becoming paranoid and accusatory because some smoothbrain trilobite on TikTok convinced them that completely normal and healthy human behavior is a sign of something sinister.
I just wish someone out there would erase that disgusting platform from the internet forever
omg FR - my good friend was broken up with bc his girlfriend’s view on him changed in light of the tiktoks she was watching :/
does your partner prefer not being around you all 24 hours of every day? they must be hiding something
@@blackbullet4254 lmao how is that any different than men getting radicalised by incel and mgtow communities, which happens mainly on UA-cam, 4chan, Reddit? If you think it's tiktoks fault then you haven't understood anything about the video.
@@fedyx1544 it isn't really any different. It's just the new, more sinister development in the downward spiral of social media. I'm a bit older and I remember a time where I nearly let imgur and reddit communities dictate my relationships. These platforms are a powerful force. I had to reflect on why the standards on display on those sites carried so much weight with me. I used to have somewhat low emotional intelligence. If I was less mature when I had to confront these feelings I probably would have succumbed to their influence. I don't think majority of young people are equipped to analyze this media in a healthy way. And tiktok is built to be even more insidious than previous sites. It's a constant barrage of ideas and images, fed to you by an algorithm that deeply understands how to keep you scrolling. I fear for these poor kids.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
St Paul ?
21:02 i completely agree abt the cycle of non communication, but i also completely agree with “i dont want to tell you to buy me flowers cause then you’ll only buy me flowers cause i want flowers. i want you to WANT to buy me flowers” haha
I feel the mindset growing of "your the main character in your own story" is causing people to make themselves an idea of the main character on tv and wait for the love interest to come
very very true! its highly misinterpreted, i enjoy putting it to use as a fun saying instead, or when affirming! consciously living plus adding a loving tone to your life (romanticizing), i feel is just chefs kiss and the contrast to a toxic tiktok "main character" love mentality.
Frl life is so much more complex than what you put on paper. Characters have arcs that last 3 movies. We can’t even discover who we are at core in that time, it takes time and knowing what to do better.
tbh for me, I think it is a pretty good mindset ONLY to an extent. Imagining that youre the main character of your life would make one feel more treasured in a way, as in you wouldn't compare yourself to unrealistic standards and other people because you would think you are the most important person in your life, which is true. But It only goes wrong when people start to wait for their love interest to come as you said.
Yes. That mentality is so self centered if it gets applied to everything. Instagram is so washed-up with reality.
i agree. as far as i know that "main character syndrome" is either indicative of a lack of maturity or mental illness
Communicate.
Communicate.
Communicate.
Nothing is worse than getting in a relationship where you can't communicate with your partner. Talking isn't communication. If you're only talking and not listening, then you're not communicating. Hope this makes things more clear. You have to listen and be patient with one another.
Communication is important, people forget about the fact that your closest friend is your loved one.
@@oceolin8860 Exactly.
This is straight true.
my autism: haha alexithymia go brrrrrr
@Billy Batson Then why are you with them? Lol
I love it when people identify issues like these especially due the effect social media has, thank you and I love your videos so much girly
Great video. Working together in a relationship towards improving your own and your partner's understanding of yourselves, your expectations, your insecurities, your communication styles and how you can become better partners can be an INCREDIBLY rewarding experience. I say this as someone who just got broken up with a few days ago. It hurts like hell, but we've both grown so much as people having gone through everything we did together. And we're both going to be much better partners for whoever we find in the future
I think most of these trends are really just collective trauma responses. People hurt each other, they don't heal, they glow up. Thinking 'If Im better he'll have to treat me better' or 'If I leave as soon as he does something wrong, I can never get hurt again.'
Both men and women have this problem.
100% agree. I also think that for a lot of people (more than anyone would care to admit) these trauma-based attachment patterns go all the way back to childhood.
Agreed! My mom and dad both made mistakes and they have been in a healthy marriage since 42 years. They both communicate the issues together each time they make a mistake. Even if one and not the other does something wrong, they collectively sort out the issue and vice versa. These days people think that they as humans are perfect, which is absolutely false. That them doing a small mistake is their cue to leave (mind you small mistake not huge like cheating and stuff). I wish people would get together to know and solve their stuff together.
23:00 Honestly the fact that she immediately took out her phone to post that moment seems to me take the magic and tenderness out of it. It's not their memory anymore, it's our's.
Exactly! She wasted those precious first moments of joy, surprise and seeing the emotions in her partner just to make sure others know what happened. It turned an active love moment into a passive one. I kinda feel bad for the guy.
@@11918151119 I do feel bad for him
@@11918151119 i understand the want to document things because memories fade out eventually but people who always jump to get their phone out whenever anything interesting happens, bother me
more likely the whole thing was just for the gram
@@nicolovespanda I think such moments can just be journaled normally through words incase we were to forget
You're the most real person I saw this week on my phone. I love everything you do, it helps me a lot. Thank you!
"when you give you experience your own strength and liveliness" amazing quote. Incredibly well done video, great work oliSUN!!!
the ‘if he wanted to he would’ mentality is… confusing lmao. i remember seeing something on tumblr where someone made a point along the lines of ‘being cool and distant and waiting for people to be attracted to you won’t get you love, you get love through embarrassing yourself by asking for it’ and it’s never left my head.. like if you like someone you also have to put in the work instead of expecting them to come to you
'if he wanted to he would’ is more about putting in the emotional labor of a relationship in addition to sharing the household responsibilities, and being pro-active in raising your kids together. so ZERO 'weaponized incompetence'
What you’re saying is making sense and you’re right, that doesn’t make sense. But I think a lot of people that are saying that-at least from what I’ve seen- mean it more for when you’re in a relationship and making sure it’s not one sided and explain what makes that person feel loved and seen. With this you should be sure you’re showing love to your partner as well, but if it’s constantly 80/20 or even 60/40 it gets lonely. So those that sincerely say that I think say it out of a way where they want it to be equal and to feel loved.
@@fay396 You know this can be applied to women as well? Let's see, women are more down to do housework, so what is it that a women is more withholding about? Hmmm...I wonder what women always get criticized for not providing enough of...
Ah, yes. The unspoken fizz.
In most cases Ive sen hetero women get used, and abused by men. The women in my life have always given, an dhardly ever recieve because they belive love is active and they have to
" work" to deserve love, so this whole video kinda justifies that women have to 'work' or be a certain way in order to get any love in life.
There is an expectation of romantic love being this 'electrifying' feeling, when it fact it is as mundane as loving our family or friends. We don't shower each other gifts or give extravagant declarations of love for these people in our lives, what defines a good friendship or familial relationship is communication and effort to build understanding. We are conditioned into believing that being thrilled or constantly smothered by your partner equals fulfilment, when it is actually just being comfortable in each others presence. In fact many relationships around me are formed on these over the top performances of love but lack the foundation of trust and communicating. Something which we think of as 'boring'.
As someone with BPD, this is actually very interesting. Because I _do_ experience an electrifying feeling in loving my family and friends. Love, to me, is never mundane. But that actually means that I don’t need extravagance and crazy passion; what fulfills me is trust, companionship, and understanding, because the extravagance and passion is already inherent to me. Having that balance is what makes love worthy.
@@luaourus I have BPD too, but I avoid all relationships. Seems to exhausting to me. lol
@@ReptilianTeaDrinker It can be, but if you learn how to regulate yourself, it can be rather lovely. But the primary relationship we must invest into is with ourselves. ❤️
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant,
does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,
does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
it definitely depends on what kind of lover you are. sternberg’s triangular theory of love shows that different types of relationship exist. those types of love are based on three different scales: intimacy, passion and commitment. it is not as ‘mundane as loving a family or friend’ to some people. especially the types of relationships that have passion and intimacy. it is electrifying.
As an artist, I truely understand that perspective of love being art.
Time is the only thing that can strenght up love through effort.
The Valentine's Day part!! I've never been in a romantic relationship, but I have friends; what I also have is poor memory, especially regarding dates, so I often get anxious about remembering my friends' birthdays and other important days of their life. It's not even that I forget the date (number) itself, it's rather that one day I wake up and suddenly realise "wait, so the [insert date] is today?!". My friends understand me and never take any offense in it, but sometimes I still think about what other people's reaction to this might be, so being reminded that those "important" days aren't really much more important than any other day of the friendship/relationship is relieving❤
As a guy, I've been so used to being expected to provide for the girls I dated. My last girlfriend actually made me cry when she for no reason just made me an omelette with tortillas without me asking her to. Then she just rubbed my back and hugged me.
2 givers are the best kind of relationship.
She doesn’t do stuff for you because she doesn’t have to. After all of the fluffy idealistic talk, men and women pair bond when there’s a mutual benefit formed.
Women can get physical intimacy at any time from any man, so they expect men to put in more to get access to their bodies regularly. Men know this, so they pay for things and plan dates.
This isn’t some cultural force imposed on us by some “patriarchy” it’s human economics and supply-and-demand. It’s difficult for you to get laid regularly, that’s why you’re willing to be in a one-sided relationship with another human when you would never agree to something so one-sided with your male friends. You do it because you want sex which is the only thing your gf offers over the love and companionship your male friends offer.
@Thomas Foolery Clearly you know shit about love, you’re talking about getting laid. A man isn’t like a dad to a woman by paying for stuff. A true woman pays for her stuff cuz she has her own money. Following that logic, you’re saying women are like whores with sugar daddies, which is so fucked up.
@@ThomasFoolery8 Bro...you are not okay. Replace that sharingan with a byakugan, see inside yourself. Evaluate. Meditate.
@@ThomasFoolery8 what…
@@megamillion5852 ad hominem. Make a counterpoint or stfu.
Oh man I am so guilty of throwing around the phrase “man written by a woman” and using that as the basis for which guys I would put on a pedestal and which guys I would ignore. I used to take pride in it thinking I was countering toxic expectations for men. But the more I think about it, the more I realize “man written by a woman” is just the straight woman’s version of a “manic pixie dream girl”.
Idk I guess it’s just a nice serotonin boost to think of this ideal partner without having to deal with the realities of dating. I’m starting to realize that I get so wrapped up in hyperrealism that I’m not actually experiencing reality because I’m afraid.
Man written by women that's some bullshit right there
@@hakunamatata2464 you didnt watch the video did you
@@tasfiasalsabil2549 na man i am talking about the phrase in general
@@hakunamatata2464 how so?
I definitely don’t think a “man written by a woman” is the same as manic pixie dream girl.Cause he is just a guy who rejects toxic masculinity (usually just a little ^_^),not a total misogynist,is romantic and nice and and the most important thing is that he is a COMLEX HUMAN BEING a PERSON and a manic pixie dream girl is literally the product of patriarchy made by very misogynistic men who don’t see women as real people and just…ughhhhh English is not my first language so I can’t really explain how I can do it in my language but you get what I mean.A man written by a woman is not as harmful as the manic pixie dream girl
Oh! I'm so glad somebody of our generation is finally talking about it 😭😭😭
Self-love, communication and real will to love are the keys. And at the same time there is a lot of circumstances and individual characteristics to consider... There is never a universal answer for every situation and relationship.
Thank you so much for the video 💖
I thought, at some point, everyone was taught "treat others as you'd like to be treated".
It seems many people have yet to learn that lesson 😞
I’m about to be 20 , never even held hands romantically and I feel like I’m already behind and already the idea of love that I have is messed up bc of social media
your journey is only about to begin bro
I'm 22 and same :)
im 21 and im in the same boat as you. when the time is right, that experience will come
I'm just a teenager, but social media has made me believe that relationships are the worst thing ever, so quite the opposite thing she talked about.
As a queer woman who is still closeted, these expectations does slowly kill me overtime because I know I can never have or feel the requited love some people experience unless I become someone else. I’m trying to accept the reality I will die alone as a spinster or mesh myself with a lavender marriage and adopt kids with my future husband.
my friend always used to tell me “love is a choice” i never really understood what he meant until I got further into relationships, discovering that once the infatuation withers away THATS when the true love actually starts. Its about the commitment you gave to that person, whether they are perfect or not, we are all humans and deserve love, love is a feeling, but also a choice.
And much more :)
@Nova's Garden exactly, the constant dopamine hits leave and all thats left is the persons true character
its up for you to decide if they are worth the commitment
@Nova's Garden in my opinion ofc
@Nova's Garden I also think (I don’t know I could be wrong, I just saw it somewhere else) that constant “in love” feeling happens when you first start dating someone is called the honeymoon phase it usually happens (more or less) the first 6 months of dating. after those feelings it’s up to you if you still want commit. Also just because the honeymoon phase ended doesn’t mean that (most of the time) you don’t love them anymore you’re just comfortable with them enough (I can’t find a better word to describe it). Sorry for this bummy explanation lol
my mom said the same thing
thanks for this video! Love is something that Intrigues me, but also scares me, and having love talked about in a nonchalant manner really helps.
this is something i think everyone needs to see. thank you for taking the time to make this!
Tiktok be like
"He was a walking red flag
She was colourblind 😔💔"
Tiktok is just hilarious lol
I dunno why but this statement is just dramatic but funny at the same time 💀
@@unicornwithluv950 FAX
As a person who GIVES love and truly feels alive by it, it’s also very important to not accept the bare minimum. As in, a person who just receives and not gives. Regardless of their love language. It’s important to be understanding but not too much to the point where it feels like you’re lying to yourself and the other person isn’t really giving anything. This mindset, the one u mentioned in the video, can be harming if done incorrectly especially to those who are easily manipulated by their lovers.
Yea or just excusing them when they've hurt you you gotta have self respect
but where can you draw the line? Do you know that? When is it you giving love and recieving love, and when is it just giving? Do you know that?
@@elviwombat7080 my ex and I broke up last month and while we were in the relationship i was the one giving and kept making up excuses for him like he’s busy, giving gifts is not his love language, blah blah. However, when we broke up, I started realizing that I was the one romanticizing the relationship and he wasnt even expressing his love in any language. So I think u ask urself, is this person giving anything? In any forms or language? If not and they keep apologizing but not doing any actions, then it’s basically manipulation. But for example if u like gifts and he likes to have quality time with u, then it’s basically that u have different love languages.
this, the whole video i was thinking that about how i do it incorrectly and get walked all over, used, and left in relationships no matter how much of myself i gave.
@@0QuinTessential i saw something on tiktok that gave me hope. It’s basically saying that u gave this much love to the wrong person, imagine what will happen when u give it to the right person. And unless they give back, they’re not the right person. Dont try to become cold or mean just because of him/her, trust me it’s gonna affect YOU the most not them or anyone.
I love how your videos are so well thought out and you use research and books to back up your essays, they honestly give me a new picture of concepts and make me think about things that I never thought about before, challenging the ideas in this world, your definitely an amazing addition to UA-cam ❤❤❤
Thank you sm :,)
You’ve put into word lots of ways I’ve been feeling about the world and our general/platonic relationship with love and each other. I appreciate the work you do 🙏
I remember my mom telling me once "You can love anyone, its just a matter of whether you and the other person have the capacity to love each other."
This is really the best single sentence I’ve heard for the topic
it's not just that our conception of love is messed up.
our conception of happiness is messed up.
our conception of success is messed up.
our conception of fulfillment is messed up.
our conception of economic growth is messed up.
and so on. the conception of love is just a consequence.
I though I was the only one who thought this. These days people view simple things like living a life without luxury or an overwhelming abundance of sexual pleasure as something in the past.
Sex is great but it doesn’t last.
Money doesn’t last and even if it did economic situations( especially hyperinflation) can make its value drop.
This literally reminds me of the Brave New World book. When I first read it I thought it was bizarre. But now, my god it’s actually what’s happening nowadays. Women and men are Men are encouraged to fuck anything and anyone that moves while they’re young. Consumerism has plagued our Nation as we spend thousands of dollars buying shit we don’t need. It’s sad tbh.
I agree completely. I'm so glad that some people from our generation (Gen Z) think more through introspection and deeper means rather than agreeing with whatever the medias feed us. Unfortunately in multiple societies we've all become commodities and adhering to what we see and hear by following the "norm" and "standards" rather than seeing the meanings behind life's consequences. Life goes beyond what social media tells us. Right ?
Success in the capitalist world is equal to maximising your effort to tasks that you personally hate to earn money for the freetime you don't have until you are too old to use it.
All that is seen as desirable for the growth of the economic system that "gifted" you all this and offers the unsuccessful a similar life experience, but with added struggle for survival.
I really don't identify with a society that sees this as an ideal.
from an early age we are told that the happiest life we can lead is making lots of money. but as i grow up more i cant help but to question if this is really true
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails."
The existence of this video gives me hope. Thank you.
I had recently drawn my boyfriend something that to him it was for absolutely no reason. He was very grateful and allat, and and - he asked why I had done it, and my only response was- cause I loved him T^T. I had trouble explaining either as maybe I was also wondering. But I knew it was something I wanted to do for him. Watching this video really - expanded my understanding. That feeling of epiphany really made me smile.
One major takeaway I have from this subject is that the objectification and dehumanization of male partners both online and in books/film catered to female audiences is NOT the feminist "raising standards" hot take it tries to be... it warps our perception of men and further separate heterosexual women and men from understanding each other and allowing the other to be human. I see women all the time almost perceiving love to be worship or the complete merging of souls, which sets them up for false expectations. Expecting this kind of affection in heterosexual relationships undermines the feminist sentiments the whole "raising the bar" notion originally intends to protect; it is allowing our ego and self-worth to be completely dependent. We MUST, as women, not allow men into our lives who are toxic and misogynistic. However, these hyperreal perceptions of men dangerously water down what it really is to be toxic. Great vid!
Exactly like obsession. Hiw novels portray it versus what reality about Obsession tells us
Absolutely correct, perceving men as not complex individuals and seeing them just as the manic pixie girl version of a boy is very harmful to both women and men
@@Lily.ard35 grow up
Yessss I'm surprised no one talks about this even tho it's quite common. I do this shit all the time. I fantasize about the perfect angle partner, but at the end of the day I realize that love can never be like that.
Hello, I'm quite lost here. To explain my background, I'm someone who isn't a fan of romance genre so you can bet that I don't know what's the trend in romance media like films, books or shows, let alone tik tok.
Your comment intrigued me when you said :
the objectification and dehumanization of male partners both online and in books/film catered to female audiences is NOT the feminist "raising standards" hot take it tries to be.
Would you please explain this part? The word "objectification" & "dehumanization" really got me. I genuinely want to learn. In advance, thank you very much.
A lot of the problems people face with relationships is that feeling of “sparks” that fade away when people become comfortable with each other. “Sparks” aren’t going to stay forever, comfort causes monotony, but it doesn’t mean the relationship is dead. I think a lot people struggle with feeling content with the eventual fading of feelings that come from “falling in love” and trying to impress their partner. Of course this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to continue to surprise your partner or make time for them, but no one can expect to be “consumed” by their relationship forever
facts
I think this might be influenced by media, at least somewhat. Hollywood writers- and many others- really struggle to write stable relationships, which is why they focus on the will-they-won't-they and then tend to break up or have the couple going through a rough patch during a sequel- they just don't know what else to do with it.
@@justinhighum2892 absolutely. It’s that thing where people are so used to seeing “the chase” in media and it warps their perception of what it means to be with the person. It’s like “I got the girl/guy, now what?”
Go by the lord and tradition, it's never going away then if you dont want it untill you die the power of the lord bestow you, bless..
@@justinhighum2892 holy shit!!!!
Thanks for this video! You are really based, thoughtful, warm-hearted and soft spoken.
I never knew how much I needed a video like that before I watched yours. Your explanation is very good detailed and deep, but easy to understand.
A very thanks from a brazilian guy that needed so much this video ❤🇧🇷
Whenever I hear my gfs tiktok, I cringe whenever I hear about "icks". while some of them are definite red flags, so many of them are "if they eat loud" or "they smile too much". Inversely the sheer expectation some guys have for looks is crazy. The absolute absurd standard both sides have for a relationship with the other gender makes me think so many perfectly nice people are going to end up single because they keep rerolling for someone to match their unrealistic standards set by tv and movies
Smiling too much is a red flag? That's really sad, I wouldn't think smiling a lot is a bad thing
@@Luna-pt3vh I don't think it's that common tbf, just one I heard on my gfs tiktok once that irritated me
eating too loud is maddening though
you do know icks do not equal red flags right? icks are just little turn-offs that can make a person somewhat irritated, and it's unique to almost everybody
@@bae-jing4260 red flags are completely fair and any person should avoid any clear signs of a future negative relationship, icks lead to the same outcome as red flags (breaking contact) and cast a muuuuuch wider net on the prospective partners personality and are usually much more benign things
This woman has managed to put into clear words what I've been feeling for years. I have always been disgusted by Tinder because it felt like a gondola where you go to buy meat... where the meat is people, and your money is your social value. Ironically, being an active lover raises your social value through the roof I'd say.
Yup, basically a validation and sex carousel. Removes you further from life's genuine purpose.
@@nathelm8693 Fr. Most of the time it's an app for hookups.
absolutely loved this one! as a person who is in love with love, sometimes I catch myself watching this videos on Tiktok and thinking "why my partner never do this kind of stuff for me?" but I wonder if I've ever done that for him as well.
I adore your videos, I adore your sources and the way you speak so softly 🥺🥺
Thank you for opening my eyes to that potential issue within myself, I will become a better person because of this video