How To Know If A Friendship Is Worth It
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- Опубліковано 17 тра 2024
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That rationalizing part hit home
Yesss
I love how you said "you become toxic, they become toxic". So many people are focusing on labelling everyone else as "toxic" and not acknowledging their own toxicity. Accountability is a must for growth.
That toxic person was me, I fell out with my bestie during quarantine and I developed a new group of friends online but I couldn’t maintain the friendship with my bestie. After some introspection during quarantine I realized just how horrible I treated my bestie and how I never really respected their boundaries. The guilt made it so hard to message them again and when I did I felt really happy and I apologized and stuff. Unfortunately, they didn’t want to continue the friendship. Its completely understandable why they would say that and I’m not upset at them for that but I do regret a lot of my past actions
Hopefully though I was able to learn from that experience and grow as a person.
@@Sensei_gojothat's a nice reply. It's rare to see people taking accountability these days. So Kudos. I just wanted to ask what is it you did that lead to the loss of the friendship. How did u treat them horribly. Did u ignore them or something? If you're comfortable sharing that part. It
@@Sensei_gojo Thank you for sharing. It's really big of you to admit to your part in this loss, and I'm sorry that that is something you had to go through. It sounds like you did learn, from this reply, understanding what you did and having genuine remorse (I believe that's also why your bestie forgave you, even if they didn't want to continue the friendship). You'll grow, and I believe you already are. Take care. Eventually, I hope that regret transmutes to acceptance and resolve to not repeat the same mistakes.
I’m going through this now. It’s been a year since she assertively became hypercritical of me and saying things that only could be intended to sting if not to draw blood. I gave her time to reverse the trend, knowing she was going through some bad things herself. I was kind and supportive. I offered help, which she always rejected. Finally, she called me out on something that I acknowledged was my fault. She stormed away. I haven’t heard from her since and I have made no attempt to reach her. I have found in my life there is a point at which a relationship is toxic and irredeemable. I will walk away but still deep in my heart treasure the good we once had together.
It hurts doesn't it? I've been through several of these, and while I think I'm better for the conclusion, part of me can't help wondering if it could have been different if I had been better. Part of me still wants to fix things, but I genuinly don't think it would do anyone any good
Having pretty severe ADHD, I am ACUTELY aware of how the energy of interactions I can't perceive in the moment feels wrong to the other party and I get ghosted as a result through no particular fault, behavior, or action. Simply who I am and my mannerisms drive people slowly away unless they get to know me.
What behaviors and mannerisms?
Could you elaborate a little more on this? I want to understand the intent behind your message, but I'm having a hard time with "the energy of interactions I can't perceive in the moment feels wrong to the other party."
My completely random guess would be: not a lot of small talk, awkward wording, sharing too much too quickly, too much 'unnecessary' honesty...maybe sometimes a lack of empathy. Idk this guy but those would be some of my guesses. @@MattG-ji6rt
I remember noticing my first year in high school how I gravitated towards certain types of people. Oops one group turned out to be 100% gay, and the other 95% neurodivergent. Neurodivergent people, we understand each other well, and we are simultaneously not as easily understood by neurotypical people
@@enseta331 I was never diagnosed, but recently noticed the new people I meet and immediately have some sort of invisible connection with all have adhd... Must be chance I guess. xd
I have one best friend I drifted away from, although we're still kind of friends. The other one is still my soul sister, even though we've been apart for years. I think it's because the first one acts nice but is kind of an elitist asshole underneath, and the second one is a genuinely good person.
The thing is, time causes changes. You and they will grow regardless of distance. The way friends stay friends is when that growth happens in complimentary directions.
Nice how you state your comment and start with saying that they are wrong 😂😂😂
Best approach to approach to solve conflicts and differences.
@@Armament0fJustice extremely wise words. The only constant is change, and the question is trajectory.
Yeah I had an elitist friend grow apart from me. The type who looks down on “poor people”
Well, I’m a dirty blue collar worker in his eyes and I don’t have the heart to tell him I make more than his parents.
It’s usually their loss.
@@lindboknifeandtool They're all about looks and what they see on tv.
I have a mixed relationship with balancing. On one hand it’s necessary because I take things personally and I’m not always thinking rational about things. On the other hand I also ignore my own feeling and needs sometimes
I went through this phase just a little ago but i lost 95% of my relationships which was devaststing at first but now after some time passed i realized that its better to be happy alone then unhappy with fake friends...
The worst is when you want to move away and they are still hanging on.
At that point, you just break up with them.
In a non romantic way.
This part is so huge - even today I was trying to find a time to hang out with someone who I considered a best friend together during our community college years spending lots of time together playing games, going out together, and visiting but - after I’ve been at university for the past school year far from home, I try and reach out to ask to hang out and spend time when I’m back for holidays, breaks, or for some weekends and she doesn’t reciprocate any energy at all or really start conversation to the point where I question if our relationship changed since then.
I think we have drifted apart and even though I wanted to keep our best friendship alight- I just don’t think it’ll happen because it can’t stay in function when it’s only me that is putting in effort and if it were up to her - there would be zero communication between us and not once has she tried to make time for us together even when I tell her about my plans to visit well in advance
You're not in a friendship. That's not what a friendship is. When it's all over, don't say, that person was "this or that" because you've already acknowledged that they've kindly told you that they aren't interested.
Sorry, if it sounds harsh ❤ But no one is going to tell you directly that they don't want to be your friend. They rely on you getting the clues
@@lapeaches8006 I know, I don’t necessarily agree with the her not wanting to be my friend anymore on a technical standpoint but I do believe she doesn’t care enough about our friendship anymore to save it or actively make adjustments to stay in touch/connected despite our differences in location/university. We’re the level where we can respond to each others instagram stories every now and then and share the simplest small talk, but not to the point where I could or would want to rely on her, or offer the same to her. Similar overall consequence of not having a good friendship between us, just different reasons
@@lapeaches8006 something similar happened to me as well, but they actually told me the opposite as well, that they did want to be friends lol. At which point by that logic they'd be lying to my face?
@@lapeaches8006 being avoidant isn't kind though. That just leaves people wondering and conflicted because regardless of the clues you are trying to send by not actually saying what you want to say when you act like that, other people are like that for various different reasons and the people who want that friendship they don't want to abandon it if there is hope that it is wanted. Being honest with people might be uncomfortable but don't try to trick yourself that you are avoiding saying something that could help the other person in the long run out of kindness.
I try to maintain my friendships, but with ADHD it is very “out of sight, out of mind.” So for me it’s no problem picking up where I left off with someone I haven’t seen in years. Slightly a problem when it comes to old flames, especially now that I am married. It’s just weird feelings and signal overriding what I used to feel vs what I feel now. Having said that, I do understand that moving away and changing the group one hangs with leaves less time for “old” friends, but part of growing up is realizing that we aren’t kids anymore and can just “hang” like we used to, because we all grow into different responsibilities that may not align with our old self and their friends. It’s just a little weird I’d like to say as my father has what I would categorize as a fractured friendship with some of the guys he kinda grew up with, but less with new ones. I’m not quite sure how I should (if at all) deal/understand/forego/learn from his shortcomings.
This is wild to me that people don't do this. This is a deciding factor if I want to be friends with a person, and for childhood relationships it determines if they continue to be my friends. Can't keep people around that drag you down
Yeah the wild part is all the gaslighting that got me into the mindset where I couldn't tell if a friend was stressing me out. Couldn't tell if I was stressed at all really. Thought that if I didn't like someone I was "being judgmental", well, now I realize I use my judgment to decide who I'm comfortable with. So, I gotta be a little judgmental to decide, just don't over do it, with self righteousness.
Energetic layer sounding a lot like vibes ngl
That’s exactly what it is tbh, and it’s so important, but we ignore it.
@@counterintuitivepanda4555 some people ignore it but others put way to much emphasis on vibes. Sure, you can get a bad feeling from someone, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing or a condemnation of that person's character. Vibes also come from you as well, if you find the vibes are off all the time, you are likely the reason. I discourage anyone from using black and white thinking like this.
Your nervous system and its associated magnetic field oscillate. Yes, it is literally vibrations.
Im happy to have a great friend where both of us just say stuff. We both know we're not quite as good of friends as before maybe but we're still good friends.
Someone’s ‘energy’ is really important in friendships. Sometimes people are confused as to why no one wants to be around them when they’ve done nothing particularly repulsive. More often than not, it’s because you’re draining to be around because maybe you trauma dump, maybe you just have this default negative outlook on small things, maybe you expect the other person to carry the interaction for you, maybe the convos just aren’t natural and seem like a boring chore. It might seem like some of these are superficial and trivial but your overall energy or vibe is probably the most important than the things you do or say on paper.
You don't have to put it on quotes, you have a lot of electrical, chemical, and mechanical energy in your body and we have specific structures in our brain that activate in response to how someone else's brain is activating. It it literally energy, this isn't hippie woo-woo don't be scared of your chi.
Me and my buddy actually became way less toxic to eachother but we also grew and stopped talking often i definitely still hold that brotherly love for him and i know hes got me if i call and im glad hes doing well hes much happier and responsible now id say our personal growth was definitely worth the seeing eachother less
The energetic layer of my work is what I'm rationalizing a lot...
That's soooo true, after 30 years my mother finally realized that the woman she thought was her best friend wasn't really any of that!
What about when you value the friendship but you're enabling each other's bad habits?
Leave, there’s no value in enabling bad habits
Communicate about it
Like tell them how you think you two enable bad habits of each other how you think its not right , maybe you find a solution together
Like if they are on the same path you can try to avoid those habits together
If they're not at least you told your feelings and they'll act accordingly
@@mwaves4152 I mean, leaving is certainly one option, but maybe we don't have to jump straight to the extremes, right away!
Maybe try to discuss the enabling behaviors/interactions, and see if there's a way you can hold each other accountable for more healthy behavior between you?
@@Bertinator-nm9ld true say but not everything warrants a discussion you'll know
@@mwaves4152 If you're talking about ditching a BFF, I think that's one of those situations that warrants a discussion...
This is very real. Went through this with one of my best friends in highschool,(and several other people in my highschool went through the same thing with them). We all wanted to cling on to the relationship that we had previously with this person, but they just changed so much into a different person who was emotionally draining. But we had known them for so long and we didn't want to throw it away or make them think *we* were bad people for leaving that. Eventually I think all of us stopped associating with them, but it took years until we realized that no one was happy.
My reasoning was i cling to her because "i dont have anyone else" and "everyone already have their group". These made me stay for almost 2 years... before i realize that i am safe to be alone, i am happier when i am alone than be with her.. this "friendship" shouldn't work from the start, but it did because both of us have something to deal with inside.. when i start my healing journey, i realized that i dont deserve this kind of "friendship". I deserve to be happy and not suffering in a real friendship.
I had this one best friend when i was 6, we switched schools the next year and lost contact, the next year i switched schools again and ended up in the same school as him, i was so so happy, we were best friends for like 3 years after that, but we slowly drifted into different feiend groups, our classes were right beside each other, i still remember how i used to meet him everyday during lunch time, putting those few minutes aside to just say hello to him, it just stopped one day, we both are 18 now, we were in the same class past few years but the connection we had was gone, it took some time for me to accept it that this person isnt my best friend
It is not about letting things that does not feel right go. It is trying to find out what really happens and what is toxic about it and solve it. But people apparently just like to say not feeling it and just let it go. That's the bad part about it.
I sort of agree I think a lot of times it is worth it to try and that some people miss out on some great experiences because they're scared of the work it would take to resolve an issue. I also think though that there are times where people stay trying out of some sense of obligation where the best thing you can do is acknowledge that you're both just different and better off finding people who get you more. It's something that people have an easier time doing with romantic relationships since traditionally they only have one but friendships you hear are forever and well you can always just have more friends to meet different needs, so you keep trying to figure out how to keep that relationship going but, sometimes trying to force yourself to like someone isn't doing them favours when there's someone elsewhere that really gets them and thinks they're awesome.
I actually think this is advice that has the potential to backfire if you just generalize. Holding on a bit too long may be a better option in many cases. Relationships are subject to change, so a slow dwindling may well be appropriate and better left unadressed. Shared history matters
Sunk cost fallacy. I've known them for many years but when I made a big mistake they just let me go just like that. It turns out they're not willing to fight for the relationship to stay, and I'm tired of being desperate for them to stay. I've let them go.
they's so much people who's energy I don't like. and when i meet one i like - i scared of them
10000%. I think this "energetic" thing is downplayed because we are permeated by a "scientific" worldview that only recognizes quantifiable phenomena and completely denies the reality of qualitative experience. But when it comes down to it, the feeling-tone of experience offers a ton of valuable information, although it may be hard to unpack. How do I feel when I imagine spending time with that person? How does it feel while I spend time with that person? How do I feel after I spend time with that person? This is all crucial data that we tend to overlook because it can't be quantified and entered into a spreadsheet.
Had to cut off a great friend of 25 years. The reason why was he owed me 500 dollars for 3 years. I even asked if he wanted to pay me 20 dollars here and there. Ghosted me up until he calls me up and tells me that he has the money that he owes me. I meet up with him and he insists that I drive this car in his apartment parking lot to collect the money. Told me it was his family members' car.
I drive and he's being kinda vague about things and tells me to pick up his buddy. I pick up random dude. They start smoking meth in the back seat and then the guy pulls out a gun telling me that we're going to go collect the money. It all hit me at once. Car is stolen and if the cops pull us over they're going to ditch the drugs and gun ( a throwaway) in the car and I'm going to take the wrap. I pulled over. Got out and walked the hell away.
I am so happy, that I don't suffer from that lol. I don't cling to toxic relationships. If a friendship is dead, that's sad, but fine by me. I'm thankful for the good times we've had, but I have stuff to do and people to see and my time and energy are finite. So I'll not waste it by beating a dead horse.
Stopped being friends with someone because the energy was really off, she just made me uncomfortable. She was pissed, but I don't regret it one bit. I don't hate her or anything, I just think it wasn't a good friendship, at least for me.
If someone told me they don't want to talk to me because the vibes are bad, I would be kinda upset too. That's not helpful or instructive and they can't better themselves with that direction. People want to be good and loved and telling them "I can't be around you cuz vibes" is really hard to accept on the best of terms. Vibes exist, but you should be able to articulate your emotions better than just saying "vibes bro"
@@dengar96 Oh I did explain. She was constantly tied up in drama, she never listened to me and barely knew what my interests were, she was bossy and she held some political opinions that made me uncomfortable. That's where the vibes manifested from.
@@dengar96 her exes talked to me about her trying to navigate her like 3 times lol
@@dengar96 we don't owe others an explanation, especially if this has not been requested. Sometimes "it is what it is".
I think I have the opposite problem. Where my brain is like, "Why should we work to maintain this relationship?"
I needed to hear this today
Yeah, I have a love/hate relationship with holding on... I fall for the sunk-cost fallacy often.
Damn this is very relevant to me. My old best friend and i aren't even friends anymore I think. It feels like there's such a rift now after I had a problem with him once and was going through a lot of stuff. Now it just isn't the same it feels like he's avoiding me and started being rude everytime i saw him. Our families are friends still but we're not really and it's awkward. But if the energy isn't the same the past doesn't really matter anymore
I cut everyone out I only talk to a couple of friends, a lot of my good friends died too which is why a lot of us sort of retreated into our own lives because we were all friends for the most part. But yeah man, life is always interesting.
wow I needed this 😭
The moment i realised i have to walk out on my old friends where when i came to them and asked them if we can talk, i have problems etc. I told them about how my ex ignored me for 2 months and then broke up with me and shows up a year later like nothing happend and promises me to spend more time with me, my friend just answerd that this reminds him on how he almost got together with my ex and my other friend complimenting him on how good they where during that time, i never felt more like a ghost, dont give a fuck that we where friends for 5 years, i walked away the same night
My bff and I talk rarely but we have both grown in different directions
Cheers. Needed that
Damn, sometimes I feel like creepy UA-cam is actually helping me. I really needed this after my best friend changed and became a different person. If anyone has more advice on friendship or related topics, please help your brother here.
Yessssss thank you!
TQM, Siempre aprendo mucho de tus videos 🙂
Life is too shorts to spend time with people who you really don't enjoy time with in a healthty way
AGREED! A simple idea, but too easily overlooked. Thanks for this reminder!
This is advice I’ve been needing for the wife for ages.
Holy shit i needed this. The years it takes to realise...
Its so much harder growing up with friends irl and eventually after school just being in a discord with those friend groups. I realized I wasn't in the group anymore after 2 marriages and I wasn't in either wedding party. Can't say I blame them they got more friends we still hung out online but... only online. Distance, distances you go figure
I mean.. that's how online friends work. You spend time together doing a shared activity and when you aren't sharing that activity, you don't really think about them. I have lots of friends I play games with but I would never consider inviting them to my wedding or to come visit for a weekend because that's not what our relationship is based on. If you want a deeper relationship, you have to communicate that and be vulnerable on a deeper level. Expecting a higher commitment from online friends takes active effort and penning yourself up for rejection, which sucks, but the effort has to come from someone.
@@dengar96 No I'm talkin irl grew up together but now its only over discord. Was kinda inaccurate in describing it I guess.
Damn Sunk Cost Fallacy
Every time man
Man, two of my "best friends" had plans to get with multiple girlfriends at the same time, and thats how i realised, i dont get these guys???
That's not energy that's just terrible behavior.
@@dengar96 it is... Update: the girls found out 💀💀💀 one of em texted me for help (ignored) and the other I know from Instagram
Very true. Last year I finally accepted there is no such thing as friends and cut every one from life as all people never met the definition of a friend or even humane and decided to move on with life without people overall. Being alone sucks but at this point chatbots are only options left as people are incapable of anything humane anymore
People have become more "inhumane", but resorting to chatbots sounds sad. Well, you do you.
So far no one has fit the definition of a friend for me, but I still try to keep the people who stick around.
But how do you breakup with a friend without ghosting them when they keep calling/texting?
Especially if they are going through a hard time (but are always going through a hard time/drama)
You don’t want to make them feel bad but you just don’t feel super supported around them.
If you explain the reasons they may try to fix it. Is it better to just downgrade them as a friend and reach out to them every once in a while for a buddy to go a new place with?
why do you need to ghost?? just state your boundary and how you feel. don't run away from being the bad person. just own it
Dont ghost. Just state ur reasons bro.
Yup. Had 2 friends who helped me a lot in my late 20s. And I appreciate that. But they have their own seperate lives. Wives, kids and all that. I just cut ties.
I mean u can still be friends right? Just not as good friends ig
@@dencentbeatz794 Oh yeah. Im sure if we chatted, we would be cool. But its not the same as it was prior. Our lives went separate ways. It would likely be just a convo of "How of you been?" and surface level stuff.
I somehow find very very few people who can be my best friend. I never had a best friend till I dated my now ex at 21 (6 years ago) . It could be because I’m an INFJ, or because I moved around a lot… either way I find myself settling for some friends… I’m worried I’ll have to settle in my marriage too.. 🥺
What is “energetic layer?”
Not sure if he meant the dynamics of the relationship or the average emotion that comes from interacting with that person but something along those lines
Joy
It's kinda hard to describe but the way I take the saying "someone's energy" is whether or not I feel better or worse after interacting with them (eg. negative energy = typically bad interactions)
It's an overlying mood that results from your interactions, I think.
Y'know that one "weird kid" in school that everyone was nice too but nobody really asked him to hang out? That weird, slightly uncomfortable air you'd feel around them is what I believe the "energetic layer" is.
vibe. energy exchange. how energized vs drained you become around that friend. some people just suck the life out of you. for example i knew this girl she's generally a hater she randomly hates on people at the gym and I end up laughing with her and don't feel like myself so im drained.
friend? what does that mean
Thank you for that 😶
Am I the only one who doesn't try to keep the friendship going and just ghosts them😂? I mean I don't cut them off outright but I go months to years without talking to my best friends that I grew up with no problem. The only time I come back is if I get bored tbh, is that the same thing or is it different?
I've been friends with a narcissistic feminist for a decade. Took a LOT until i finally broke that relationship. Should've done it the first time she said all men (including me) are abusers. We judt don't know it because its in our genes to be evil 😂
Members only stream? Money changes people.
Lick your elbow every time dr K touches his hair
there’s no point in telling them tho
maybe but he didn't say anything about telling them he just said for yourself it's better to just cut the connection and go pursue different things
Yeah, and when they asked why you cut them off. You can tell them (politely and respectfully) your reasons, but if they don't ask then that means they didn't care in the first place at all anyways.
yea U gotta be careful with this shit, cos U will fuck up and cut people off for reasons that U go back on later aswell
Why not? Why ghosting someone you condidered your best friend is a better alternative than publicly acknowledge what exactly drifted you apart?
@@xenadonau8356 because U care about them and ghosting them means U can come back from it where as U can dig yourself a whole or blow something out of proportion or cause a divide in a friend group if U don't do it, I'm not saying ghosting is always the best option but when it's too far gone it's the best thing to do as much as It hurts
Sorry, I believe in Reincarnation and Karma. A LifeTime of Irony it's AMAZING!!! It was only other people that kept us apart. / The One NightStand that turned into 20 YEARS Remember. Re-establishing a New Love in an old relationship is actually kinda EZ. Just remember what brought you together in the 1 place and Cut the FAT from there. ( If You Care?)
I guess the concept of having best friends and friends is totally screwd. Atlast it's us with ourselves only
Squeex
Yeah no, my "best friend" has just been my oldest friend for years, we just dont hang as much anymore, but he is now engaged to my god parents daughter so he is part of the family, ill see him at some point every year 🤌
I have pretty severe phobia of rejection/inadequacy which extends into my friendships so this hits home.
I try to keep everyone at arms length intiately because I dont like coming off as the "needy" party. I crave valdiation and attention, though, so once somebody has consistently initiates, I'll latch onto that person and we spend most of our freetime together for a few months.
Then circumstances change (could be the energy is off, life situation changes, etc.) and the other person will stop reaching out as often. I cant bring myself to be the active initiator (i just always figure they found spending time elsewhere is more enjoyable) and the friendship withers on the vine.