@@LifeIsGood1992 Some will never be happy and try to drive a wedge between you and others. Remember: your failures and your successes are yours to be had, to experience, to learn from and to enjoy!
@@dianamary6170 I found my peace migration, I moved to Germany two years ago, just being alone and having winter depression, were far better than staying in a toxic houseshold, I was working and living with parents, now I work abroad. At least I love my father.
Dude or miss, apologies, I know what you mean. I am in between several difficult places. I am an adopted child, the female parent I suffer eneshment from and I fear deep within me a case of genetic sexual attraction from a woman actually two of my biological kin. I am so fucked and I hate it. Sometimes I wish I was never born.
It’s wild how spot on this is. I’m 36 years old and my mom is still trying to get me to move back in with her and my father. She’s always talking badly about my father, to me. Every single day, she she asks how I’m doing and what I’m up to. She’s always inviting me to go out to eat and to be be an ear to vent to. She even tells me, “I need to ask you about a big decision I’m going to make, you always give such great advice.” I’ve always known that I’ve felt suffocated by my mom, I just never knew what it was. In my head, I’m always saying that I need to tell her to back off and let me breath a bit. The only thing is, I’ll feel guilty about it and know that she will be extremely hurt by it. She also doesn’t like my girlfriends. She mentions how they are toxic and unhealthy for me. Also, tells me I need to break up with them and move back home. This is so eye opening and explains so much it always feels good to get some validation. Thank you or this!
I got away from my narcissistic mother when I was 23. I didn't know the word "narcissist" at the time. And I STAYED away from her. Be warned though that if you do this, she will spend the rest of her life telling everyone you've ever known, liked, or met how horribly you treat her. You might as well just completely "start over" finding friends who she doesn't know.
Married a enmeshed man and the marriage lasted 7 years. We were in therapy with a skilled therapist and she said this is a difficult case of family generational enmeshment. We got divorced because he started this cycle with his daughter and she started causing problems in the marriage with his mother. False allegations suicide threats and a developing personality disorder etc. My husband eventually admitted that has mother was manipulating him against me. So the pattern was - first wife suffered with severe psychopathology- (ASPD and it was untreatable). I married him after and started seeing signs with him, his children and mother. We got into counseling and a lot was uncovered. Years down the line we had a custody battle and more dysfunctional patterns started to unfold. What a mess. Most often these men are not going to change. Spouses need to get individual help because these family situations can cause mental health issues and long term psychological damage to your brain and nervous system.
My mother often tried to do this to my brother and I, even introducing me as her husband on occasion after dads death. We never gave into this. My brother married and she treated his wife very terribly. I've never married (now in my 50's) For many years my attitude was, if having a family meant more of what I grew up with, I didn't want one. Didn't help I kept finding narcissists to date when I was younger. As I've been working through the damage from my narc parents in the last few years I am starting to see and believe what family can be, or rather now, what could have been. It seems I've chosen to live life alone rather than risk anymore narcissistic abuse from anyone. So I think instead of becoming enmeshed I've become isolated. I still have contact with my mother (my brother has also passed) but I live 1500 miles away and give her almost no insight to my life.
@rswear just be aware there are lots of women your age likewise unfortunately born into narcissistic enmeshment just now starting their lives for the first time once the 'rents are gone.
Similar picture here . Entirely get you . Wouldn't inflict life on anyone . One wonders how and why she got out of normal balance . All the best of the rest to you .
This was me for almost 40 years of my life. I’m finally no contact with my mother but it took me dying and a spiritual awakening to finally see my real mother
I married into this crazy triangle! When my father in law was alive she was just extremely opinionated now that he's deceased, she is constantly making reasons for my husband to be with her. My husband is also narcissistic. He will all but admit she is the most important person in his life. 😢
Amazing video! My lovely dad passed 6 years ago and since then my mother has been an absolute nightmare! My brother suffered from her narcissistic behaviour and up until recently I have also suffered. She is a master manipulator and I now have to question everything she has said about my family in the past. I have gone no contact because she not only abuses me but she blames everything on my wife which is utterly wrong. She has cancer (karma!) and I still want nothing to do with her, that’s how bad she is! Since going no contact my life and health has improved so much! Best thing I could have done!
This is very true. I went through it for 40 years. I cut my mom off after getting tired of her sabotaging my accomplishments and trying to keep me at a low level so she could always be the one to get me out of things. I had to read for 3 years about emeshment and narcissism.. i cut her off so me and my wife could have s good life.
My mother in law and her son. she controls him and me. She’ll tell us where to go on holiday, tell me what to wear, tell me if I’ve gained weight or not. Everytime when he tries to leave, he will always come back his not able to be independent he can’t do anything without his mother approval, he ask her opinion about everything: food wise, clothes wise, where to go, what to do. And she said to him “I’m the only person that can love you like this.”She makes me fell like I can’t do nothing simple things as cooking, cleaning or cutting the pear she wants to do it all, it has to be her. She will cook and clean and then when her son arrives she will say “mummy loves you that’s why she’s doing everything for you”
My boyfriend has a mother like this. So spot on. He doesn’t see how unhealthy this is. And I hurt for him. She controls every aspect of his life. He is 20 years old, and still asking permission to do anything. She has been cracking down on more control and blame towards him. He has a curfew, a bedtime, so many rules. Nothing he ever does will be good enough for her. She is driving me crazy. I went and cried in the bathroom because i couldn’t stand being around her. She acts so very sweet around me, but i see through her. He calls me nightly, complaining about how he has no sense of self, no freedom, no control. I have tried to tell him my POV, and he sees my side, but he refuses to leave the house because we’ll “that’s my mom and she’s done so much for me, I can’t just leave her.” She chose what college he’s going to, he didn’t have a choice. He wants to get out. But he won’t because his mom doesn’t want him to. He thinks if he gets older she will change. She won’t change. I always got weird vibes from her, but even more recently I have seen her for who she truly is. I don’t know what to do. I want to help him.
He will only leave when he truly realises that his mum is abusive and controlling. If he is making excuses for her, he is not ready to go. He needs to realise that he doesn't owe her anything just because she is his mother. The guilt he feels was put there by her!! That's not healthy!
I had no choice but to divorce a man totally enmeshed with his mother. Actually, the mother insisted on it when they arrived at their own marriage counseling TOGETHER to get me out of their relationship - as if I was the "other woman". There were no boundaries. I didn't know where his mother ended and he began. I didn't know any of this when I married him as he kept his mother far away from me. He knew.
@@CourageCoaching I'm still dealing with the fallout. It was brutal. The lies, filthy character assassinations , that he went along with ( not to upset or correct his mother), were spread far and wide. Aside from Emotional incest, they were Covert Incestuous as well. She insisted on him staying the the bathroom with her when she bathed. He told me he ran her bath water, lit candles for her, poured her wine and played guitar for her while she bathed - as if it was the most normal thing in the world. His father was sitting downstairs the entire time. I didn't know my stomach could twist into 100 knots. But it did. I was the "Evil One" who was trying to break up "this beautiful mother/son relationship". She called me and screamed " He's Mine! I was here first!". Okay...she can have him.
I am so sorry! Dianne! This sounds like a really serious case of emotional incest/enmeshment. It's incredible how normalised these behaviours became to your ex-husband but how awful for you to have a mother in law from hell! These things take time to heal from! Be gentle with yourself!
Hi thanks for the video. Yes. I have experienced this situation unfortunately. I am the son in such a situation. In more recent times, I am conscious of the issue and how it has directly or indirectly led to troubles in my life past and ongoing (mental health issues, inability to have relationships, etc). I was also prevented from normal masculine development and initiation, sadly. This type of enmeshment is really bad and I am not happy I experienced it.
Spot on again Athena. I’m in this situation right now. Before i was educated about narcissism I instinctively went minimal contact for 15 years. When my fiancé unexpectedly passed, I found myself having to stay with my narc mother, my father, also a narc died 2 months after my fiancé. By this time I understood narcissism. As I started doing well the sabotage started. I could see everything she was doing, it was infuriating. I should have left right then even though I wanted a little more financial security. She proceeded to move, isolating me from any support. I’m so angered at watching this unfold knowing exactly what was happening, my mother trying to lock in a permanent supply( perfect for her, she scapegoated me without mercy when I was a kid). Im so angry and constantly ruminating I feel so paralyzed, it’s kind of embarrassing that I know what I have to do but feel so overwhelmed to do it. I Sit here isolated and ruminate. When she passes I think it will be more of a relief than anything. I can never heal until I get away from her
Lol. I’m sure I will definitely be relieved. Funny timing, Athena just made a video about when your narc mom passes. She’ll probably outlive me. She’s to nasty to die
Go none, I felt relief when I heard that my narcissistic mother had died. Also, I'd had a long marriage with a man whose mother sabotaged me from the beginning to the end. She was obsessed with personal details of our lives, and she eavesdropped outrageously.
My mom is a covert narc, but not invincible. Silence in the face of ignorance (personality disorder) is the best response. She can not handle the quiet non-reactive pause. Her effect subsided at 60 yo when I finally accepted this is the mental disorder she possesses. Fortunately, I've dug deep into my own subconscious through meditation and hypnosis to face "the dragons" as Finding Joe has described. It's not over fully addressed, but I'm happy with the self-love I've gained through being independent. Peace
Yup, totally my relationship with my mum. Cut contact and with the most supportive partner I could ever hope you have. Freudian slips with her constantly calling me by my fathers name, helping me to pay off my house to try keeping a hold of me. Was self gaslighting that she wasnt a narcissist a lot of the time when I first cut her off but this is so re-affirming.
I’ve recently just broken up with my girlfriend and the pain caused me a full on breakdown. I can see the enmeshment with my mother has been the reason has been at the core of my misery for most of my life and my inability to have loving healthy relationships. I hope I can recovery from this.
@robertyoung61 I am so sorry you are going through this! I have been there..Your trauma has been re-triggered because of the end of your relationship and yes, enmeshment is very destructive. Find a good therapist and get yourself some support!
This video is a complete description of the past eight year relationship I have had. Thanking you with everything I have. You help me to understand that this is not my fault.
He used to call his mother when I would try to ask him how he felt about me or when I would try to have a mature adult conversation, he would stonewall and then gaslight and act like I was doing something wrong for simply wanting to know where we stood.. he'd call his mother and gossip with her about me IN MY FACE. I recorded him and when he caught me doing so, he changed his demeanor. She would laugh on the phone hearing him abuse me, she is a disgusting, bottom feeder of a human being. Evil. And I know she was in his ear and that's why he ended up distancing himself, because she acts like everyone around him is just hateful or jealous LOL when in reality, she's pretending that's true so she can have him all to herself.
yeah the one I had to leave, his mother was triggering adhd/rsd rages onto me, and she stood there egging him on into attacking me BUT I got it recorded on discord and just gave it all to police, he and I are both lvl 2 autistic, so maybe he can get free
Thank You for such a clear explanation of enmeshment. My partner is enmeshed with his Mother. We’ve been dating for 8+ years and I don’t think I can do it any longer. His Mother is unreasonable, self centered and only thinks of herself. She makes it extremely difficult for us to have a relationship. She butts into everything. It’s beyond ridiculous. I’m finally at the point of letting go because she manipulates him so much that he won’t speak up for himself. It’s sad. He and I have a beautiful relationship when we’re away from her. But he feels trapped and won’t leave. 💔🤬😞🤯
I am so sorry you have come to that difficult decision. It isn't healthy for you as you have realised and you deserve someone who is strong enough (healthy enough) to put you and your relationship first!
Sounds like her M.O. is to make it so difficult for you to have a relationship so the relationship ends and she has her son without a barrier. It’s sad but it happens with enmeshed family (be it Mother /Son Father/Daughter and even siblings. It seems bc a spouse isn’t blood family they are more disposable. It’s one thing to have a close relationship built on live,respect and healthy boundaries. Enmeshment seems control based and also insecurity based (such as,do they love their spouse more than me and will they take my side,tolerate my interference and the biggie-will they dump their spouse for me(. It’s really hard to stomach these types of dynamics.The spouse it usually on the losing end of the deal .Especially if the enmeshed person is afraid of upsetting the family member. And from one generation to the next it goes.Its not love,that’s for sure. It is very much control based.
My ex NPD is enmeshed with his narcissistic mother. She would call him every morning to wake him up to take his son to school. He would then call her while getting ready to go pick up the son who lived with her and he would take her to work. She wouldn’t drive or find another way of transportation so that she had to depend on him for years. I’d say for over 30 years that was their routine for transportation. While he was getting ready for the day to go and pick her up they would be on the phone on the car ride there and even more phone calls through out the day and at night and he would still pass by her house to check on them and then call still on the ride home. It was absolutely uncomfortable to observe this. But if he was with the guys friends or hanging out with a potential female interest he would silence her calls or delete her name from his contacts. He was well aware that this wasn’t normal. Yet when I would bring it up out of concern he would become so angry and tell me I’m just jealous that I don’t have the same relationship with my mother.
My message to adult sons that are enmeshed with their mothers: Son, you are a Mama's Boy! That is what you are. Sorry to have to break this awful news to you. Please do not ever get married. You are not marriage material, because you allow your mother to keep your balls in her purse. Mama calls the shots in your life. If you get married, your new wife will have a boss. A supervisor. Your wife's new boss will be your mother. Your mother will dictate how your wife should dress, cook, clean house, speak, breath, raise children, do the banking, fill up the gas tank, etc. You will allow this, because your mother is also YOUR boss and has been your whole life. Don't deny it. You know it's true. Your mother dictates every aspect of your life and you allow it. Your mother is an entirely selfish being and your whole life has been dedicated to doing her bidding. Ask yourself. What are you getting out of this? Why have you allowed this madness to continue? I guess you do not want to be a normal man. I guess you do not want to lead a normal life like other men. Ok, fine. Yet PLEASE for the love of god, do not drag some nice, unsuspecting woman into this equation, by roping her into marrying you. You are already married to Mommy. Mommy is your first and only love. Nobody else can compete. Mommy calls the shots.
@@AmySnow-o1s Well, YOU have a friend like me and I am in your corner! 59 year old, married woman here and I have spent the last three years, basically counseling my own husband on how to break free from his narcissistic mother who almost decimated our marriage. It worked! He has recently gone no contact and has a new lease on life! Feel free to ask me any questions, if you wish, because I care for all who are suffering with the same problem that I was.
I use the notes app on my phone as a journal of sorts. Trying to understand reality by documenting things that seem worth documenting. This list took me about 3 months to put it “all together”. Check it out. I had no idea what was happening, I just knew it wasn’t healthy. Mom Why do I feel like I can’t be myself to my mom? Why does my anxiety spike when she calls or text me? That comment about dad “driving her crazy by asking if she needs anything” ….that flipped a switch for me. Guilt tripping me…saying I abandoned and neglected her. The intensity of her guilt tripping is OFF THE CHARTS!!! Manipulating how I am supposed to feel about certain things and that my feelings line up with hers. She seems to LOVE drama. Uses my own words against me. Anything I say that builds and supports my personal barriers…she will use my own words against me MANY times. Plays the victim when I show any kind of personal independence. Wether it’s my thoughts or actions, she immediately turns on me if my ways don’t line up with hers. Controlling. Very. Passive aggressive comments that could not be anything else other than passive aggressive. But when I bring it up she denies meaning it in a passive aggressive way. Why does my anxiety skyrocket whenever she calls text or ask me questions? “You at least ‘owe’ me that…” She uses this phrase a lot with me. I can’t have boundaries and if I try that is usually when the guilt trip starts. Talks to me about my sisters problems Talks to me about my dads problems. I am her confidant. I’m so tired this. Is very hypersensitive. Gets super defensive almost like a child when their hand is caught in the cookie jar. Her aggression goes from 0-100 mph in an instant when she thinks I’m criticizing her. No accident mom talked to me when dad was gone. She would have NEVER been that nasty to me if he was there. She flat out doesn’t make sense when she is in the wrong about something. Her arguments and defensive posturing rarely make sense. It’s like she has to be right for the sake of not being wrong. Facts and truth are irrelevant. What sucks about all this is that dad is collateral damage. I know this drama hurts him but I also know he experiences it more than he lets on. It’s almost like I’m dealing with a child that doesn’t get their way. If I attempt to clarify a point that she is not grasping ie…. “like I said previously, I am not going to drill Savannah on why she doesn’t want to spend the night at your house”. She will respond to me “and like I said, I think you at least owe me an explanation on why she doesn’t”. Why do I feel physically and mentally exhausted after communicating with her? She is the only person I will edit a text or multiple times before sending it to her. What am I afraid of? What is it I am afraid to show? I hate when she texts me late after I tell her I can’t text anymore. She always prefaces it by saying..”I know it’s too late for you to respond tonight and I’m not expecting you to”. But then she will follow that up with 3 pages of text messages that now I have to carry with me into bed. She makes it very clear that me reading books and watching videos that improve my mental health is not ok with her. “Maybe those books will help you be the perfect parent that I obviously wasn’t”.
@@CourageCoaching As you probably noticed, your video was extremely validating. I had no idea all those things I wrote down had anything to do with being enmeshed. I just learned what that word meant.
When we were very young, we kids were confronted by Mom's unpredictable, frequent rage, her screaming "I wish you were dead and in hell!", or her intentionally, quietly saying "I love you, but I don't like you". She constantly vacillated from enmeshing to abandoning, encouraging to marginalizing, confiding to backbiting. I was seven years old when Mom tried to kill herself in front of us kids while Dad was away (he was a Marine officer). From that experience I began to pray that -- if I ever got married -- I would marry Mom's opposite. Thankfully, I succeeded.
My husband’s mother is enmeshed with him so deeply, and a huge narcissist, that when my husband got himself a motorcycle (but hid it from her for over a month and a half because he knew she would be upset) she first threw a tantrum in our driveway then the next night came over to our house stood in my kitchen and yelled at my husband and I, saying that he ruined her, absolutely destroyed her, he’s an adult and can buy/do what he wants but didn’t take her into consideration because of her anxiety and fear of him dying on a motorcycle. She then told me I was a bad person because I didn’t tell her when my husband specifically told/asked me not to. My husband I believe, has an avoidant attachment style due to his mother his whole life. Her therapist called her out on her enmeshment and said she needed to work on it. Unfortunately I feel like this enmeshment has really molded my husband to be a covert narc himself and doesn’t take anyone’s needs into consideration but his own. I struggle with this because for years of my life my needs were pushed to the side, even as a child, so when I set boundaries (as a people pleasure it tortures me), and ask that my needs be met, he refuses to take accountability. Doesn’t want to do individual therapy, barely wants to do marriage counseling…is there hope?!
I am so sorry to hear this @nicollettemiller6025 If your husband isn't accountable and refuses to do marriage counselling, then I think you are on your own..You have to prioritise your own mental wellbeing..Hugs to you!
3:25. If the SON does BREAK AWAY + HE CUT OFF CONNECTION to the mother she will smear campaign about him 24/7 365 7/11 behind his back, play victim or sometimes be like.."Pssh! I don't need him! Who cares!". Lets say the Narc mother has 5 different people she knows and talk too. Each person she will tell a different story but somewhere, in between, the start or at the end she will ALWAYS BE THE VICTIM.
My mother sabotaged my high school sweetheart relationship. Posting on social media that her son betrayed her and doesn't love her anymore. That I was callously throwing her away.
My mother tried to sabotage my marriage when my baby was a week old and my wife was potentially dying from preeclampsia. She retraumatized me and used my wife’s history of trauma to retraumatize her. It took us over two years and therapy to realize what had happened and move on.
My mother in law is a covert narcissist and has an enmeshed relationship with her son (my husband). She mistreats me and verbally abuses me over phone calls and behind closed doors when no one is around. My husband is too attached to her to hear a word against her. I fear my husband and mother in law will turn against me if I try to speak up. She lives with us for 2-3 months each year and those are the worst days for me filled with anxiety and fear and disrespect.
My ex and his mother are both covert. I’m trying to regain my sanity after 20+ years of this. Can’t break free due to kids. They still won’t stop their tactics. They embolden each other.
This is my fiance and his mother to a T. I regret having a baby with this man so badly because of all of these things. It is truly disgusting the way his relationship with his mother controls our whole lives.
Would a man’s mother not wanting to touch him or be touched by him relate to this? My guy friend says his mother will physically move away on the couch, if his knee or leg is brushing against her. He’s 41 never married, I asked if he has memories of his mom, hugging him as a child, and he said maybe a few. I know it troubles him, his words were “How could that not bother me? When the most important woman of my life doesn’t want to touch me?” Whaaa??
It could be that his mother engaged in enmeshing behaviour at some point in your friend's life and then freaked out and pulled away from him completely..or it could simply be that his mother was completely emotionally unavailable & withdrawn and couldn't show any affection to him at all. The latter is very emotionally painful and your friend will struggle with ever being intimate with a woman because his own mother was so cold towards him.
He’s not her son, he’s not officially her husband, he sadly becomes a distorted version of who himself by creating such a dependency on her that he alters himself to please or appease her
My crazy narcissistic MIL. Did this very thing. She said things like no one can love him like I do. I was just thinking how incestuous that sounded when she said it. She did a lot to get between our relationship. Definitely did her damage in it. I'm sure she's proud of herself. She literally told me she loves to create drama to make her life more interesting. Disgusting. She victimized herself to turn my husband against me. Only to admit a year later that she has a chronic lying problem. He sure felt stupid when she did that. He's 27 and she still tries to control him. Holds over his head they'll help him but only in his clutches. They've helped his sister a lot and given him scraps. But act like those scraps are above and beyond. Projects and calls him a manipulator if he doesn't be the way she wants. Insults his job that she knows he cares deeply about. Is so concerned to know if we're still together to the point she's freaking out about it. Shirley you're a real c*** lol😂. It's honestly a joke at this point.
Any suggestions for supporting a 12 year old boy who has a narc mom who has been guilt-tripping him for wanting to spend time with his dad? Although he has been in counseling since the divorce, this is an untenable situation for a kid ‼️🕊️
This is the most frustrating thing! I’m just looking into this. I had suspicions about my boyfriends mom and him but it just became glaring apparent. She’s so jealous of me! I don’t know what to do and he’s stuck in it. I’m praying he wakes up to this it’s just awful
7:20 I just wish this would happen! This would make my life like 10000x times better. I ask GOD every single day to end my life just so I don't see 'that thing' never ever again or have another memory of her in my head. Please forgiveness for all the h a t e. I just want peace and calmness in my soul. ❤❤❤
My now ex boyfriend won’t admit to this, 57, it’s super sad, but it’s obvious since there’s always a excuse to not see me or he has things to do , nothing to do about this unless he gets help , but he’ll never admit or get help it’s easier to blame your other half
I ask myself whenever she angers me, which I can say is on the regular, why she had to take on this personality and it only strengthens by what I see as she gets older. She'll do the most agitating of things without any sign of thought or being asked more than once to stop. So that distance I can say is all that I do have. .that question though since finding out about narcissism. My mother to be one. I don't understand why.
I keep telling my wife this but she doesn’t listen. I literally had to go off on her last year because she would kiss him on the lips but would not kiss me at all. He’s 9, and every time I correct him or give him instructions that he may not like he always goes and tells her or calls her if she’s not at the house. It’s really exhausting dealing with them both. The other layer to this is that our son is on the autism spectrum.
My mom and brother have a weird enmeshed relationship. My parents always say they fear he will commit suicide, but then they buy him a gun and burial plot. Insanity. Ive distanced myself and now they ignore me. My dad is verbally abused by my mom. I realize I'm married to a narcissistic man who blames my mom when i confront him about how self righteous and rude he is. I'm trauma bonded as apartments are so expensive now.
This is the second video of yours that I've seen, and as you might guess from the long comment I left on the video about narcissistic mothers, words like enmeshment, parentification, and emotional incest describe my relationship with my mother, until I pulled away. She clearly wanted, and believed I was obligated to give her, exactly the relationship you describe in this video. But she was so unbelievably vicious towards me when I was a kid that I knew something was very seriously wrong with her, and I had to start setting boundaries. She hated this, so we had a tug of war for years. I was completely incapable of having romantic relationships for years, and for me it was always unthinkable that I would allow my mother to have any opportunity to say anything at all about any relationship I might have. One of the strangest effects of my abuse is this: for years I felt like I had an inner emotional wall that made it impossible for me to be sexual with a woman. (I'm bisexual, but back then, only women were on my radar.) I usually felt intense anxiety and shame, which made it very hard to develop relationships at all. But in a few cases I did, and a few times in my early 20s I was in situations that clearly should have become sexual. I don't want to be graphic, but the women made it completely obvious what they wanted. But I had this inner wall: I was completely unable to make myself do anything overtly sexual, even though I wanted to, and even though I knew there was no good reason not to. I was simply paralyzed. This ended when I was 27.... probably the single happiest day of my life. Once I was able to begin moving my body in a sexual way, everything else was fine. The wall was down, and I was happy. But I've always wondered where the wall came from. It certainly had something to do the enmeshment with my mother. She had always told me far more about her sex life than any child should know, as well as constantly talking about her extreme bitterness about men, especially my father, who had abandoned the family. He was her bete noire. So she transferred that to me, including oft repeated stories about how he sexually assaulted her. I think all this affected me on a deep level. Somehow it resulted in me feeling that any woman would regard me with contempt if I showed any sexual interest. And that somehow became the wall. It was a strange, miserable experience. Thank God it's history now.
My husband is in this dynamic. He's been in it since we met 10 years ago. I've educated him on the enmeshment for years but he refuses to listen. He can't get out of it due to the manipulation put on him over property. He's highly depressed but will not defend himself even tho he does know what's being done to him. He's very lost, asking his mums opinion on everything.
The sad thing is that there's an infant who has no idea of how the world works and is born into the hands of such a person and they have no means of protecting themselves from the harm that they are fed wrapped in normalcy. They have no comparison, whatever they've got came from an abuser. The world is a brutal place and our best bet is our family, which sometimes is completely disregarding our interests. Society will side with a mother without a second thought no matter what. On the other hand, there are non-Western societies where collectivist enmeshment is the norm, group interest before any individual interest.
it is not even group interest hunny ! Since a GROUP's interest is a collection of every member's interests. What you find in those societies is HYERARCHICAL DOMINATION : some people in the group are the ones whose wishes get accomplished at the cost of others and the group lets it happen.
@@სალომეგუგავა Group interest can be described as statistical needs over individual needs. A group interest is not the sum of its members. It's taking the average of the group. It's not hierarchical, it's statistical domination. Hierarchy respects the individual, group interest does not.
My daughter and her enmeshed boyfriend just broke up after 2 years. The mom would call him sometimes 10-15 times, while he was out, forced him to take her out and she'd kick my daughter into the back seat and claim it as hers, she'd be verbally nasty to him, she was nasty to people like restaurant staff, rude to my daughter, many of her relatives couldn't stand her, she want details of where her son was going, how long, who he was seeing there and he is turning 24. He would just make excuses fir her behavior.
That sounds quite severe! Thanks for sharing and I am glad your daughter broke up with him. If he wasn't seeing how unhealthy his relationship with his mother was, then your daughter stood no chance!
she just triggered my autistic partner into attacking me by telling him I hit her, she takes a third of his pay to live in a house he paid for, and he cant physically tell her no. She demanded he kick me out when I was visiting, and his brain broke because he couldnt say no but he wanted me there with him more than anything, he had gotten to realising he was being controlled and it was abuse, he realised she was also finacially abusing him, snapped and suddenly I was a thief and two days later he physically assalted me. what do I do. He is autistic like me, and we were happy for 8 months until I went to his place and met her.
I am so sorry! It might be that you have to give him an ultimatum! That he either cuts his mother off or it's over. You need to protect yourself from this toxic dynamic. It is absolutely inexcusable that he hurt you!
I'm trapped in such a situation. Nearly 50 with a mother like this. All my relationships with women were horrible, toxic and torturous. For years I tried to escape, even leaving the country, but I was spoiled as a child so I had so much trouble adjusting to live in a very cold society. I came back home traumatized. But at least I had my own place. Then she decided to get a mortgage for a house. When she moved in she was calling me scared every night and one night she fell in the shower. So I moved in with her. Now I am stuck paying a 30 year mortgage, working a job I hate, no wife, girlfriend or kids, essentially my mother's life partner. I am nothing but a caretaker. It fills me with so much bitterness and rage but I can't even tell anyone because they will say I am just a selfish son. I don't know what to do.
You are not a selfish son Joel. I really feel for you! I am sorry you feel so trapped. There is a way out. You can give her ultimatums. It's not fair that you are paying her mortgage. Take care of yourself!
Pop died years ago. I take care of everything for mum. I Literally pay for her home and her entire existence. Sibling does nothing. If I don’t, she loses everything. Talk about a rock and hard place. They think they are “entitled” to it. Both are so ungrateful, it’s nauseating. I’m so bitter and angry.
This is my mum but I take no notice she made me feel bad about money but we are close lockdown was bad 6 months in no other female contact I would not have minded fooling around she is good looking only get one life why not enjoy it I tell her all the time
My brother and my mother have this kind of relationship and it's so bad he's never even had a relationship.
Me too! I have not had a serious relationship with a man or thought of my self in that way with someone else or in a role other than with him.
I was in a relationship and my mom got a narcissistic injury, starts crying insulting and lamenting.. Coz the girl didn't meet "her" expectations
@@LifeIsGood1992 Some will never be happy and try to drive a wedge between you and others. Remember: your failures and your successes are yours to be had, to experience, to learn from and to enjoy!
@@dianamary6170
I found my peace migration, I moved to Germany two years ago, just being alone and having winter depression, were far better than staying in a toxic houseshold, I was working and living with parents, now I work abroad.
At least I love my father.
Dude or miss, apologies, I know what you mean. I am in between several difficult places. I am an adopted child, the female parent I suffer eneshment from and I fear deep within me a case of genetic sexual attraction from a woman actually two of my biological kin. I am so fucked and I hate it. Sometimes I wish I was never born.
It’s wild how spot on this is. I’m 36 years old and my mom is still trying to get me to move back in with her and my father. She’s always talking badly about my father, to me. Every single day, she she asks how I’m doing and what I’m up to. She’s always inviting me to go out to eat and to be be an ear to vent to. She even tells me, “I need to ask you about a big decision I’m going to make, you always give such great advice.” I’ve always known that I’ve felt suffocated by my mom, I just never knew what it was. In my head, I’m always saying that I need to tell her to back off and let me breath a bit. The only thing is, I’ll feel guilty about it and know that she will be extremely hurt by it. She also doesn’t like my girlfriends. She mentions how they are toxic and unhealthy for me. Also, tells me I need to break up with them and move back home. This is so eye opening and explains so much it always feels good to get some validation. Thank you or this!
I am glad this helped you!
I got away from my narcissistic mother when I was 23. I didn't know the word "narcissist" at the time. And I STAYED away from her. Be warned though that if you do this, she will spend the rest of her life telling everyone you've ever known, liked, or met how horribly you treat her. You might as well just completely "start over" finding friends who she doesn't know.
Married a enmeshed man and the marriage lasted 7 years. We were in therapy with a skilled therapist and she said this is a difficult case of family generational enmeshment. We got divorced because he started this cycle with his daughter and she started causing problems in the marriage with his mother. False allegations suicide threats and a developing personality disorder etc. My husband eventually admitted that has mother was manipulating him against me. So the pattern was - first wife suffered with severe psychopathology- (ASPD and it was untreatable). I married him after and started seeing signs with him, his children and mother. We got into counseling and a lot was uncovered. Years down the line we had a custody battle and more dysfunctional patterns started to unfold. What a mess. Most often these men are not going to change. Spouses need to get individual help because these family situations can cause mental health issues and long term psychological damage to your brain and nervous system.
I am so sorry to hear this! It really is emotionally soul-destroying..Spouses need support fast!
So true! And the cruelty that come with pleasing their mother, sisters, brothers and daughter is beyond description! Pure evil and abuse!
They need to go to jail
If you rape a person you go behind bars so why this is...... I don't get that
My mother often tried to do this to my brother and I, even introducing me as her husband on occasion after dads death. We never gave into this. My brother married and she treated his wife very terribly. I've never married (now in my 50's) For many years my attitude was, if having a family meant more of what I grew up with, I didn't want one. Didn't help I kept finding narcissists to date when I was younger. As I've been working through the damage from my narc parents in the last few years I am starting to see and believe what family can be, or rather now, what could have been. It seems I've chosen to live life alone rather than risk anymore narcissistic abuse from anyone. So I think instead of becoming enmeshed I've become isolated. I still have contact with my mother (my brother has also passed) but I live 1500 miles away and give her almost no insight to my life.
You did the right your mother sounds nuts
@rswear just be aware there are lots of women your age likewise unfortunately born into narcissistic enmeshment just now starting their lives for the first time once the 'rents are gone.
Similar picture here . Entirely get you . Wouldn't inflict life on anyone . One wonders how and why she got out of normal balance . All the best of the rest to you .
@@usualsuspects42 👏👏👏
This was me for almost 40 years of my life. I’m finally no contact with my mother but it took me dying and a spiritual awakening to finally see my real mother
I have to say, "GOOD WORK"!
bro im glad youre better off now, but youre not a God
@@jovelard wow thank you for telling me that. I do t know how I have made it in this world without your unneeded opinion
@@BodhiChris delusion
@@jovelard thanks and you need a life cause you to worried about me
This is my mother a brother to a T! It’s creepy! They do nothing without each other and together try to hurt me.
I married into this crazy triangle! When my father in law was alive she was just extremely opinionated now that he's deceased, she is constantly making reasons for my husband to be with her. My husband is also narcissistic. He will all but admit she is the most important person in his life. 😢
Amazing video! My lovely dad passed 6 years ago and since then my mother has been an absolute nightmare! My brother suffered from her narcissistic behaviour and up until recently I have also suffered. She is a master manipulator and I now have to question everything she has said about my family in the past. I have gone no contact because she not only abuses me but she blames everything on my wife which is utterly wrong. She has cancer (karma!) and I still want nothing to do with her, that’s how bad she is! Since going no contact my life and health has improved so much! Best thing I could have done!
This is very true. I went through it for 40 years. I cut my mom off after getting tired of her sabotaging my accomplishments and trying to keep me at a low level so she could always be the one to get me out of things. I had to read for 3 years about emeshment and narcissism.. i cut her off so me and my wife could have s good life.
Good for you for managing this.
My mother in law and her son. she controls him and me. She’ll tell us where to go on holiday, tell me what to wear, tell me if I’ve gained weight or not. Everytime when he tries to leave, he will always come back his not able to be independent he can’t do anything without his mother approval, he ask her opinion about everything: food wise, clothes wise, where to go, what to do. And she said to him “I’m the only person that can love you like this.”She makes me fell like I can’t do nothing simple things as cooking, cleaning or cutting the pear she wants to do it all, it has to be her. She will cook and clean and then when her son arrives she will say “mummy loves you that’s why she’s doing everything for you”
My boyfriend has a mother like this. So spot on. He doesn’t see how unhealthy this is. And I hurt for him. She controls every aspect of his life. He is 20 years old, and still asking permission to do anything. She has been cracking down on more control and blame towards him. He has a curfew, a bedtime, so many rules. Nothing he ever does will be good enough for her. She is driving me crazy. I went and cried in the bathroom because i couldn’t stand being around her. She acts so very sweet around me, but i see through her. He calls me nightly, complaining about how he has no sense of self, no freedom, no control. I have tried to tell him my POV, and he sees my side, but he refuses to leave the house because we’ll “that’s my mom and she’s done so much for me, I can’t just leave her.” She chose what college he’s going to, he didn’t have a choice. He wants to get out. But he won’t because his mom doesn’t want him to. He thinks if he gets older she will change. She won’t change. I always got weird vibes from her, but even more recently I have seen her for who she truly is. I don’t know what to do. I want to help him.
He will only leave when he truly realises that his mum is abusive and controlling. If he is making excuses for her, he is not ready to go. He needs to realise that he doesn't owe her anything just because she is his mother. The guilt he feels was put there by her!! That's not healthy!
I had no choice but to divorce a man totally enmeshed with his mother. Actually, the mother insisted on it when they arrived at their own marriage counseling TOGETHER to get me out of their relationship - as if I was the "other woman". There were no boundaries. I didn't know where his mother ended and he began. I didn't know any of this when I married him as he kept his mother far away from me. He knew.
I am so sorry you didn't know this before you married him Dianne! How awfully painful for you!
@@CourageCoaching I'm still dealing with the fallout. It was brutal. The lies, filthy character assassinations , that he went along with ( not to upset or correct his mother), were spread far and wide. Aside from Emotional incest, they were Covert Incestuous as well. She insisted on him staying the the bathroom with her when she bathed. He told me he ran her bath water, lit candles for her, poured her wine and played guitar for her while she bathed - as if it was the most normal thing in the world. His father was sitting downstairs the entire time. I didn't know my stomach could twist into 100 knots. But it did. I was the "Evil One" who was trying to break up "this beautiful mother/son relationship". She called me and screamed " He's Mine! I was here first!". Okay...she can have him.
I am so sorry! Dianne! This sounds like a really serious case of emotional incest/enmeshment. It's incredible how normalised these behaviours became to your ex-husband but how awful for you to have a mother in law from hell! These things take time to heal from! Be gentle with yourself!
Hi thanks for the video. Yes. I have experienced this situation unfortunately. I am the son in such a situation. In more recent times, I am conscious of the issue and how it has directly or indirectly led to troubles in my life past and ongoing (mental health issues, inability to have relationships, etc). I was also prevented from normal masculine development and initiation, sadly. This type of enmeshment is really bad and I am not happy I experienced it.
I am so sorry you have experienced this! Thank you for sharing!
Spot on again Athena. I’m in this situation right now. Before i was educated about narcissism I instinctively went minimal contact for 15 years. When my fiancé unexpectedly passed, I found myself having to stay with my narc mother, my father, also a narc died 2 months after my fiancé. By this time I understood narcissism. As I started doing well the sabotage started. I could see everything she was doing, it was infuriating. I should have left right then even though I wanted a little more financial security. She proceeded to move, isolating me from any support. I’m so angered at watching this unfold knowing exactly what was happening, my mother trying to lock in a permanent supply( perfect for her, she scapegoated me without mercy when I was a kid). Im so angry and constantly ruminating I feel so paralyzed, it’s kind of embarrassing that I know what I have to do but feel so overwhelmed to do it. I Sit here isolated and ruminate. When she passes I think it will be more of a relief than anything. I can never heal until I get away from her
I am so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself! You will get there!
make a party when yo mama passes
Lol. I’m sure I will definitely be relieved. Funny timing, Athena just made a video about when your narc mom passes. She’ll probably outlive me. She’s to nasty to die
Go none,
I felt relief when I heard that my narcissistic mother had died. Also, I'd had a long marriage with a man whose mother sabotaged me from the beginning to the end. She was obsessed with personal details of our lives, and she eavesdropped outrageously.
❤️
My mom is a covert narc, but not invincible. Silence in the face of ignorance (personality disorder) is the best response. She can not handle the quiet non-reactive pause. Her effect subsided at 60 yo when I finally accepted this is the mental disorder she possesses. Fortunately, I've dug deep into my own subconscious through meditation and hypnosis to face "the dragons" as Finding Joe has described. It's not over fully addressed, but I'm happy with the self-love I've gained through being independent. Peace
Yup, totally my relationship with my mum. Cut contact and with the most supportive partner I could ever hope you have. Freudian slips with her constantly calling me by my fathers name, helping me to pay off my house to try keeping a hold of me. Was self gaslighting that she wasnt a narcissist a lot of the time when I first cut her off but this is so re-affirming.
I’ve recently just broken up with my girlfriend and the pain caused me a full on breakdown. I can see the enmeshment with my mother has been the reason has been at the core of my misery for most of my life and my inability to have loving healthy relationships. I hope I can recovery from this.
@robertyoung61 I am so sorry you are going through this! I have been there..Your trauma has been re-triggered because of the end of your relationship and yes, enmeshment is very destructive. Find a good therapist and get yourself some support!
Good explanation 👍👍👍
This video is a complete description of the past eight year relationship I have had. Thanking you with everything I have. You help me to understand that this is not my fault.
23year of my marriage. after I figured it out, I am done.
Divorcing is nightmare but I will finish it for me and kids.🍀🙏
He used to call his mother when I would try to ask him how he felt about me or when I would try to have a mature adult conversation, he would stonewall and then gaslight and act like I was doing something wrong for simply wanting to know where we stood.. he'd call his mother and gossip with her about me IN MY FACE. I recorded him and when he caught me doing so, he changed his demeanor. She would laugh on the phone hearing him abuse me, she is a disgusting, bottom feeder of a human being. Evil. And I know she was in his ear and that's why he ended up distancing himself, because she acts like everyone around him is just hateful or jealous LOL when in reality, she's pretending that's true so she can have him all to herself.
I am so sorry to hear this! You deserve better!
yeah the one I had to leave, his mother was triggering adhd/rsd rages onto me, and she stood there egging him on into attacking me BUT I got it recorded on discord and just gave it all to police, he and I are both lvl 2 autistic, so maybe he can get free
Thank You for such a clear explanation of enmeshment. My partner is enmeshed with his Mother. We’ve been dating for 8+ years and I don’t think I can do it any longer. His Mother is unreasonable, self centered and only thinks of herself. She makes it extremely difficult for us to have a relationship. She butts into everything. It’s beyond ridiculous. I’m finally at the point of letting go because she manipulates him so much that he won’t speak up for himself. It’s sad. He and I have a beautiful relationship when we’re away from her. But he feels trapped and won’t leave. 💔🤬😞🤯
I am so sorry you have come to that difficult decision. It isn't healthy for you as you have realised and you deserve someone who is strong enough (healthy enough) to put you and your relationship first!
@@CourageCoaching Thank You! How can I get a coaching session with you?
@@peachcoachshon Email me at courageisallyouneed@gmail.com
Sounds like her M.O. is to make it so difficult for you to have a relationship so the relationship ends and she has her son without a barrier.
It’s sad but it happens with enmeshed family (be it Mother /Son Father/Daughter and even siblings.
It seems bc a spouse isn’t blood family they are more disposable.
It’s one thing to have a close relationship built on live,respect and healthy boundaries.
Enmeshment seems control based and also insecurity based (such as,do they love their spouse more than me and will they take my side,tolerate my interference and the biggie-will they dump their spouse for me(.
It’s really hard to stomach these types of dynamics.The spouse it usually on the losing end of the deal .Especially if the enmeshed person is afraid of upsetting the family member.
And from one generation to the next it goes.Its not love,that’s for sure.
It is very much control based.
My ex NPD is enmeshed with his narcissistic mother. She would call him every morning to wake him up to take his son to school. He would then call her while getting ready to go pick up the son who lived with her and he would take her to work. She wouldn’t drive or find another way of transportation so that she had to depend on him for years. I’d say for over 30 years that was their routine for transportation. While he was getting ready for the day to go and pick her up they would be on the phone on the car ride there and even more phone calls through out the day and at night and he would still pass by her house to check on them and then call still on the ride home. It was absolutely uncomfortable to observe this. But if he was with the guys friends or hanging out with a potential female interest he would silence her calls or delete her name from his contacts. He was well aware that this wasn’t normal. Yet when I would bring it up out of concern he would become so angry and tell me I’m just jealous that I don’t have the same relationship with my mother.
My message to adult sons that are enmeshed with their mothers: Son, you are a Mama's Boy! That is what you are. Sorry to have to break this awful news to you. Please do not ever get married. You are not marriage material, because you allow your mother to keep your balls in her purse. Mama calls the shots in your life. If you get married, your new wife will have a boss. A supervisor. Your wife's new boss will be your mother. Your mother will dictate how your wife should dress, cook, clean house, speak, breath, raise children, do the banking, fill up the gas tank, etc. You will allow this, because your mother is also YOUR boss and has been your whole life. Don't deny it. You know it's true. Your mother dictates every aspect of your life and you allow it. Your mother is an entirely selfish being and your whole life has been dedicated to doing her bidding. Ask yourself. What are you getting out of this? Why have you allowed this madness to continue? I guess you do not want to be a normal man. I guess you do not want to lead a normal life like other men. Ok, fine. Yet PLEASE for the love of god, do not drag some nice, unsuspecting woman into this equation, by roping her into marrying you. You are already married to Mommy. Mommy is your first and only love. Nobody else can compete. Mommy calls the shots.
Thank you. Wish he had a friend like you
@@AmySnow-o1s Well, YOU have a friend like me and I am in your corner!
59 year old, married woman here and I have spent the last three years, basically counseling my own husband on how to break free from his narcissistic mother who almost decimated our marriage. It worked! He has recently gone no contact and has a new lease on life! Feel free to ask me any questions, if you wish, because I care for all who are suffering with the same problem that I was.
Very good video! My narcissistic MIL would say: the mother gives him life and the wife destroys him 🤦♀️.
Oh dear!!
I use the notes app on my phone as a journal of sorts. Trying to understand reality by documenting things that seem worth documenting. This list took me about 3 months to put it “all together”. Check it out. I had no idea what was happening, I just knew it wasn’t healthy.
Mom
Why do I feel like I can’t be myself to my mom? Why does my anxiety spike when she calls or text me?
That comment about dad “driving her crazy by asking if she needs anything” ….that flipped a switch for me.
Guilt tripping me…saying I abandoned and neglected her. The intensity of her guilt tripping is OFF THE CHARTS!!!
Manipulating how I am supposed to feel about certain things and that my feelings line up with hers.
She seems to LOVE drama.
Uses my own words against me. Anything I say that builds and supports my personal barriers…she will use my own words against me MANY times.
Plays the victim when I show any kind of personal independence. Wether it’s my thoughts or actions, she immediately turns on me if my ways don’t line up with hers.
Controlling. Very.
Passive aggressive comments that could not be anything else other than passive aggressive. But when I bring it up she denies meaning it in a passive aggressive way.
Why does my anxiety skyrocket whenever she calls text or ask me questions?
“You at least ‘owe’ me that…” She uses this phrase a lot with me.
I can’t have boundaries and if I try that is usually when the guilt trip starts.
Talks to me about my sisters problems
Talks to me about my dads problems. I am her confidant. I’m so tired this.
Is very hypersensitive. Gets super defensive almost like a child when their hand is caught in the cookie jar. Her aggression goes from 0-100 mph in an instant when she thinks I’m criticizing her.
No accident mom talked to me when dad was gone. She would have NEVER been that nasty to me if he was there.
She flat out doesn’t make sense when she is in the wrong about something. Her arguments and defensive posturing rarely make sense. It’s like she has to be right for the sake of not being wrong. Facts and truth are irrelevant.
What sucks about all this is that dad is collateral damage. I know this drama hurts him but I also know he experiences it more than he lets on.
It’s almost like I’m dealing with a child that doesn’t get their way.
If I attempt to clarify a point that she is not grasping ie….
“like I said previously, I am not going to drill Savannah on why she doesn’t want to spend the night at your house”.
She will respond to me “and like I said, I think you at least owe me an explanation on why she doesn’t”.
Why do I feel physically and mentally exhausted after communicating with her?
She is the only person I will edit a text or multiple times before sending it to her. What am I afraid of? What is it I am afraid to show?
I hate when she texts me late after I tell her I can’t text anymore. She always prefaces it by saying..”I know it’s too late for you to respond tonight and I’m not expecting you to”. But then she will follow that up with 3 pages of text messages that now I have to carry with me into bed.
She makes it very clear that me reading books and watching videos that improve my mental health is not ok with her. “Maybe those books will help you be the perfect parent that I obviously wasn’t”.
@ Dr. Phil Goode Good for you! Great idea! Writing things down helps us make sense of our reality and your notes definitely do!
@@CourageCoaching As you probably noticed, your video was extremely validating. I had no idea all those things I wrote down had anything to do with being enmeshed. I just learned what that word meant.
Have we got the same mother? 😂
When we were very young, we kids were confronted by Mom's unpredictable, frequent rage, her screaming "I wish you were dead and in hell!", or her intentionally, quietly saying "I love you, but I don't like you". She constantly vacillated from enmeshing to abandoning, encouraging to marginalizing, confiding to backbiting.
I was seven years old when Mom tried to kill herself in front of us kids while Dad was away (he was a Marine officer). From that experience I began to pray that -- if I ever got married -- I would marry Mom's opposite. Thankfully, I succeeded.
My husband’s mother is enmeshed with him so deeply, and a huge narcissist, that when my husband got himself a motorcycle (but hid it from her for over a month and a half because he knew she would be upset) she first threw a tantrum in our driveway then the next night came over to our house stood in my kitchen and yelled at my husband and I, saying that he ruined her, absolutely destroyed her, he’s an adult and can buy/do what he wants but didn’t take her into consideration because of her anxiety and fear of him dying on a motorcycle. She then told me I was a bad person because I didn’t tell her when my husband specifically told/asked me not to.
My husband I believe, has an avoidant attachment style due to his mother his whole life. Her therapist called her out on her enmeshment and said she needed to work on it. Unfortunately I feel like this enmeshment has really molded my husband to be a covert narc himself and doesn’t take anyone’s needs into consideration but his own. I struggle with this because for years of my life my needs were pushed to the side, even as a child, so when I set boundaries (as a people pleasure it tortures me), and ask that my needs be met, he refuses to take accountability. Doesn’t want to do individual therapy, barely wants to do marriage counseling…is there hope?!
I am so sorry to hear this @nicollettemiller6025
If your husband isn't accountable and refuses to do marriage counselling, then I think you are on your own..You have to prioritise your own mental wellbeing..Hugs to you!
Honestly i just went through this. Narc mother and son.
This is crazy accurate. Is this a form of abuse? Emmeshment like this?
Yes, because the child is exposed to an inappropriate level of responsibility and boundaries are blurred!
3:25. If the SON does BREAK AWAY + HE CUT OFF CONNECTION to the mother she will smear campaign about him 24/7 365 7/11 behind his back, play victim or sometimes be like.."Pssh! I don't need him! Who cares!". Lets say the Narc mother has 5 different people she knows and talk too. Each person she will tell a different story but somewhere, in between, the start or at the end she will ALWAYS BE THE VICTIM.
My mother sabotaged my high school sweetheart relationship. Posting on social media that her son betrayed her and doesn't love her anymore. That I was callously throwing her away.
My ex and his mom, creepy. She used to be jealous of me. She made her 43 yr old son break up with me.
My mother tried to sabotage my marriage when my baby was a week old and my wife was potentially dying from preeclampsia. She retraumatized me and used my wife’s history of trauma to retraumatize her. It took us over two years and therapy to realize what had happened and move on.
So sorry to hear that!
My mother in law is a covert narcissist and has an enmeshed relationship with her son (my husband). She mistreats me and verbally abuses me over phone calls and behind closed doors when no one is around. My husband is too attached to her to hear a word against her. I fear my husband and mother in law will turn against me if I try to speak up. She lives with us for 2-3 months each year and those are the worst days for me filled with anxiety and fear and disrespect.
I am so sorry to hear this! Very uncomfortable for you!
My ex and his mother are both covert. I’m trying to regain my sanity after 20+ years of this. Can’t break free due to kids. They still won’t stop their tactics. They embolden each other.
Leave!
Spot on .
My mom called Claudy a murderer.....she needs help..... straight jacket.
This is my fiance and his mother to a T. I regret having a baby with this man so badly because of all of these things. It is truly disgusting the way his relationship with his mother controls our whole lives.
Would a man’s mother not wanting to touch him or be touched by him relate to this? My guy friend says his mother will physically move away on the couch, if his knee or leg is brushing against her. He’s 41 never married, I asked if he has memories of his mom, hugging him as a child, and he said maybe a few. I know it troubles him, his words were “How could that not bother me? When the most important woman of my life doesn’t want to touch me?” Whaaa??
It could be that his mother engaged in enmeshing behaviour at some point in your friend's life and then freaked out and pulled away from him completely..or it could simply be that his mother was completely emotionally unavailable & withdrawn and couldn't show any affection to him at all. The latter is very emotionally painful and your friend will struggle with ever being intimate with a woman because his own mother was so cold towards him.
Son-husband is my brother! I'm the rival woman I guess - yikes.
My family get the sexual stuff all mixed up too and confuses intimacy with the wrong things.
He’s not her son, he’s not officially her husband, he sadly becomes a distorted version of who himself by creating such a dependency on her that he alters himself to please or appease her
I think Robert E. Howard, the creator of Conan The Barbarian, was a textbook example of Enmeshment.
My ex and his mother are married he’s 40 and lives with her it’s disgusting I left
My crazy narcissistic MIL. Did this very thing. She said things like no one can love him like I do. I was just thinking how incestuous that sounded when she said it. She did a lot to get between our relationship. Definitely did her damage in it. I'm sure she's proud of herself. She literally told me she loves to create drama to make her life more interesting. Disgusting. She victimized herself to turn my husband against me. Only to admit a year later that she has a chronic lying problem. He sure felt stupid when she did that.
He's 27 and she still tries to control him. Holds over his head they'll help him but only in his clutches. They've helped his sister a lot and given him scraps. But act like those scraps are above and beyond. Projects and calls him a manipulator if he doesn't be the way she wants. Insults his job that she knows he cares deeply about. Is so concerned to know if we're still together to the point she's freaking out about it. Shirley you're a real c*** lol😂. It's honestly a joke at this point.
you mentioned the other ways that mom would neglect their sons. that was my situation. do you have a video presentation on that?
I will work on one!
I wholeheartedly agree!
I had that kind of relationship with my late mom myself. Unfortunately I am still wounded from years of being controlled by her.
Sorry to hear that Kurt! It really is tough to move on from this! Wishing you all the best!
Thank you much. Hugs to you!
Any suggestions for supporting a 12 year old boy who has a narc mom who has been guilt-tripping him for wanting to spend time with his dad? Although he has been in counseling since the divorce, this is an untenable situation for a kid ‼️🕊️
This is the most frustrating thing! I’m just looking into this. I had suspicions about my boyfriends mom and him but it just became glaring apparent. She’s so jealous of me! I don’t know what to do and he’s stuck in it. I’m praying he wakes up to this it’s just awful
7:20 I just wish this would happen! This would make my life like 10000x times better.
I ask GOD every single day to end my life just so I don't see 'that thing' never ever again or have another memory of her in my head.
Please forgiveness for all the h a t e.
I just want peace and calmness in my soul.
❤❤❤
I wish you peace! Don't be too hard on yourself!
@@CourageCoaching ❤❤❤ Thanks
My now ex boyfriend won’t admit to this, 57, it’s super sad, but it’s obvious since there’s always a excuse to not see me or he has things to do , nothing to do about this unless he gets help , but he’ll never admit or get help it’s easier to blame your other half
I am sorry to hear this! You are right! If he didn't see what was going on, then you wouldn't be able to do anything..
I ask myself whenever she angers me, which I can say is on the regular, why she had to take on this personality and it only strengthens by what I see as she gets older. She'll do the most agitating of things without any sign of thought or being asked more than once to stop. So that distance I can say is all that I do have. .that question though since finding out about narcissism. My mother to be one. I don't understand why.
My husband has been working for his mom our whole marriage. Now he’s dumping me. Please help.
I am so sorry! These mothers have immense control over their sons! I am assuming talking to him hasn't helped?
No
Y gradmother was a bit enmeshed with my father and he let his mom walk over his wife and did not defend the wife until it was quite much late
Do those women also tend to put the children's father down to them?
Yes, this is very common!
I keep telling my wife this but she doesn’t listen. I literally had to go off on her last year because she would kiss him on the lips but would not kiss me at all. He’s 9, and every time I correct him or give him instructions that he may not like he always goes and tells her or calls her if she’s not at the house. It’s really exhausting dealing with them both. The other layer to this is that our son is on the autism spectrum.
My mom and brother have a weird enmeshed relationship. My parents always say they fear he will commit suicide, but then they buy him a gun and burial plot. Insanity. Ive distanced myself and now they ignore me. My dad is verbally abused by my mom. I realize I'm married to a narcissistic man who blames my mom when i confront him about how self righteous and rude he is. I'm trauma bonded as apartments are so expensive now.
I am sorry to hear this @rebeccadoherty2034
This is the second video of yours that I've seen, and as you might guess from the long comment I left on the video about narcissistic mothers, words like enmeshment, parentification, and emotional incest describe my relationship with my mother, until I pulled away. She clearly wanted, and believed I was obligated to give her, exactly the relationship you describe in this video. But she was so unbelievably vicious towards me when I was a kid that I knew something was very seriously wrong with her, and I had to start setting boundaries. She hated this, so we had a tug of war for years.
I was completely incapable of having romantic relationships for years, and for me it was always unthinkable that I would allow my mother to have any opportunity to say anything at all about any relationship I might have.
One of the strangest effects of my abuse is this: for years I felt like I had an inner emotional wall that made it impossible for me to be sexual with a woman. (I'm bisexual, but back then, only women were on my radar.) I usually felt intense anxiety and shame, which made it very hard to develop relationships at all. But in a few cases I did, and a few times in my early 20s I was in situations that clearly should have become sexual. I don't want to be graphic, but the women made it completely obvious what they wanted. But I had this inner wall: I was completely unable to make myself do anything overtly sexual, even though I wanted to, and even though I knew there was no good reason not to. I was simply paralyzed.
This ended when I was 27.... probably the single happiest day of my life. Once I was able to begin moving my body in a sexual way, everything else was fine. The wall was down, and I was happy.
But I've always wondered where the wall came from. It certainly had something to do the enmeshment with my mother. She had always told me far more about her sex life than any child should know, as well as constantly talking about her extreme bitterness about men, especially my father, who had abandoned the family. He was her bete noire. So she transferred that to me, including oft repeated stories about how he sexually assaulted her. I think all this affected me on a deep level. Somehow it resulted in me feeling that any woman would regard me with contempt if I showed any sexual interest. And that somehow became the wall. It was a strange, miserable experience. Thank God it's history now.
Thank you for sharing that, extremely interesting
I hope the wall comes down for me as well. I am in the exact same situation. I am 26M
My husband is in this dynamic. He's been in it since we met 10 years ago. I've educated him on the enmeshment for years but he refuses to listen. He can't get out of it due to the manipulation put on him over property. He's highly depressed but will not defend himself even tho he does know what's being done to him. He's very lost, asking his mums opinion on everything.
The sad thing is that there's an infant who has no idea of how the world works and is born into the hands of such a person and they have no means of protecting themselves from the harm that they are fed wrapped in normalcy. They have no comparison, whatever they've got came from an abuser. The world is a brutal place and our best bet is our family, which sometimes is completely disregarding our interests. Society will side with a mother without a second thought no matter what.
On the other hand, there are non-Western societies where collectivist enmeshment is the norm, group interest before any individual interest.
it is not even group interest hunny ! Since a GROUP's interest is a collection of every member's interests. What you find in those societies is HYERARCHICAL DOMINATION : some people in the group are the ones whose wishes get accomplished at the cost of others and the group lets it happen.
@@სალომეგუგავა Group interest can be described as statistical needs over individual needs. A group interest is not the sum of its members. It's taking the average of the group. It's not hierarchical, it's statistical domination. Hierarchy respects the individual, group interest does not.
@@aroncsoka a group is supposed to care about everyone's interests , everyone who is in it.
@@სალომეგუგავა not necessarily. The group is something different than the sum of its members.
@@aroncsoka can you expand on it? It is super interesting.
My daughter and her enmeshed boyfriend just broke up after 2 years. The mom would call him sometimes 10-15 times, while he was out, forced him to take her out and she'd kick my daughter into the back seat and claim it as hers, she'd be verbally nasty to him, she was nasty to people like restaurant staff, rude to my daughter, many of her relatives couldn't stand her, she want details of where her son was going, how long, who he was seeing there and he is turning 24. He would just make excuses fir her behavior.
That sounds quite severe! Thanks for sharing and I am glad your daughter broke up with him. If he wasn't seeing how unhealthy his relationship with his mother was, then your daughter stood no chance!
she just triggered my autistic partner into attacking me by telling him I hit her, she takes a third of his pay to live in a house he paid for, and he cant physically tell her no. She demanded he kick me out when I was visiting, and his brain broke because he couldnt say no but he wanted me there with him more than anything, he had gotten to realising he was being controlled and it was abuse, he realised she was also finacially abusing him, snapped and suddenly I was a thief and two days later he physically assalted me. what do I do. He is autistic like me, and we were happy for 8 months until I went to his place and met her.
I am so sorry! It might be that you have to give him an ultimatum! That he either cuts his mother off or it's over. You need to protect yourself from this toxic dynamic. It is absolutely inexcusable that he hurt you!
Even after she dies.
She tried to blame me for your behaviors
I'm trapped in such a situation. Nearly 50 with a mother like this. All my relationships with women were horrible, toxic and torturous. For years I tried to escape, even leaving the country, but I was spoiled as a child so I had so much trouble adjusting to live in a very cold society. I came back home traumatized. But at least I had my own place. Then she decided to get a mortgage for a house. When she moved in she was calling me scared every night and one night she fell in the shower. So I moved in with her. Now I am stuck paying a 30 year mortgage, working a job I hate, no wife, girlfriend or kids, essentially my mother's life partner. I am nothing but a caretaker. It fills me with so much bitterness and rage but I can't even tell anyone because they will say I am just a selfish son. I don't know what to do.
You are not a selfish son Joel. I really feel for you! I am sorry you feel so trapped. There is a way out. You can give her ultimatums. It's not fair that you are paying her mortgage. Take care of yourself!
@@CourageCoaching Thank you for listening and sharing this knowledge/space with people like me.
Pop died years ago. I take care of everything for mum. I Literally pay for her home and her entire existence. Sibling does nothing. If I don’t, she loses everything. Talk about a rock and hard place. They think they are “entitled” to it. Both are so ungrateful, it’s nauseating. I’m so bitter and angry.
The son will have children with some who will never work out so he can play house with his mother. It's sick!
🎯
Does covert incest ever in some cases morph into an actual incest sexual relationship??
It is possible however I have not come across this yet from my experience.
@@CourageCoaching what's even worse are the situations of genetic s€%ual attraction...esh.
This is my mum but I take no notice she made me feel bad about money but we are close lockdown was bad 6 months in no other female contact I would not have minded fooling around she is good looking only get one life why not enjoy it I tell her all the time
What was the end result@@leetaylor1154