I Couldn’t Care Less About Sex With My Husband (What Should I Do?)
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- Опубліковано 12 лют 2023
- I Couldn’t Care Less About Sex With My Husband (What Should I Do?)
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'Your body is trying to protect you'
'Her body does not feel safe enough to be sexual'
- that resonated with me so much
Yup. I wish Deloney understood more about women's hormones. Someone in stress drops their sexual hormones. Every.time. so telling her to get checked is ...🤷♀️. Add to that women's hormones change about every 90 seconds so unless she does a DUTCH test, only a thyroid panel is likely to show much of anything.
Same.
Yup!
then she should say that she not safe with the guy so they can break up
❤
Foreplay begins outside the bedroom. There are so many reasons women struggle with sex drive, but being unhappy outside the bedroom is the biggest reason.
Yes unhappy with him.
yeuppppppp most men dont understand this
@@antmanselector sure, there will always be hoes like there will always be people who eat at mcdonalds
@@antmanselector sure, there will always be 304s to consume like there will always be people who eat at mcdonalds
@@antmanselectorbecause the husband isn’t a caring partner. What have you done today to make her smile, laugh, and want to be intimate with you? Have you been crabby, critical, ignoring her, not looking at her-just glancing instead, hugged her, pretended to listen when she talks but not really hearing her, whispered something loving but not sexual in her ear as you pass by her, held her hand, kissed her just for kissing’s sake like you used to do without copping a feel, caressed her cheek, winked at her, made her laugh. Yep, she probably hasn’t done those things in a while either. But women NEED these things to even want to have sex. Men just need 10 minutes and some privacy. Even when you’re mad or sad or sick or whatever, you’re ready and willing to get it on. Women CANNOT. So be the hero and start doing those sweet, tender things again you used to do and stop being irritable and sulky. Be nice. Be fun to be with. NO PORN, STRIP CLUBS, etc. It will warm things up again. Also, if she’s had kids, GET HER HORMONES FULLY CHECKED BY A SPECIALIST. There is no Viagra to help us, but getting our 300 hormones back in balance can restore some libido. Men only have about 30 hormones to regulate and don’t deal with pregnancy upheaval and postpartum chaos. Exhaustion kills our libido too, and what mother isn’t mentally/ physically perpetually exhausted? Depression kills libido. Meds for depression kill libido. It’s truly not easy being female. So give her all the sweet little things you did in the beginning, tell her you support her as she finds a good specialist, tell her sex next time can be giving her a body massage and you’ll finish yourself off so she doesn’t feel like she HAS to perform sometimes (but don’t be surprised if she relaxes so much she turns it into full intercourse-just don’t expect/hope for that). These are the things that have helped me and many friends get back to a better relationship. As our husbands did these sweet things, we started melting again and wanted to give more instead of just feeling like a maid and a used body. Hope this helps. Just remember, it took a while to get into a less-than-happy state and it will take time, consistency, and patience to make your ways out of it to a better one. But it’s sooo worth it. Or you can keep doing the same old, same old and stay in the same old unhappy state blaming the other one for it all. God put joints in our finger so we could turn it back toward ourselves to see what we’ve done/or not done to drive this marriage/relationship into the ditch and totaled it. Time to pull it out and rebuild it or start anew from scratch. Good luck!
Yeh, when the husband is a jerk, it shuts your body down. No one wants to be intimate with someone who’s mean to them all the time.
SOOOOO TRUE!!
Woman need to be more of an open book with their husband's. Does he know you think he is a jerk? Sone woman isolate themselves with excuses.. not say that's true in this case, just throwing it out there
Thanks for telling me that.
@@nicholasalexander434lol tell me you’re an incel without telling me you’re an incel. Seriously what is up with all the women haters on this channel
@@paulklahn7705it goes both ways for men and women. My ex wife was a total jerk to me all the time, belittling me and emasculated me. Then had the nerve to say I am not affectionate. I am extremely affection with my current girlfriend, the problem wasn't me. My ex just didn't deserve my affection.
The silence after "is he abusing you" says a lot. And her "depends on what you consider abuse". She knows but she's not ready to admit.
Yeah i think she might even be physically abused but in a way that feels borderline and making her question if shes actually truly abused or not. Like he could possibly grab her or corner her and push his face into her face as an intimidation tactic. He's probably not full on smacking her around but it just feels like there is something more.
Bingo! I’m in a destructive marriage with someone who verbally abuses me more days than not. I have NO desire either.
@@amykecskes7356 currently going through this, here's the kicker, we've been divorced for 2 almost 3 years now, I fell on hard times and and literally had nowhere to go with my children. So we came here.. it has been a living nightmare 😔. We're not even together and he punishes me because I won't have sex with him!
I'm not having sex with ANYONE! Just that simple. I'm still healing
Maybe she's the abuser, the initiator of bad behavior.
I love the way she describes her birth control choice and says "It's worked so far." You are not having sex. Of course it works.
She did say they do it. Natural planning plans around ovulation/fertile days. She just says she doesn't like to do it
The fertile window isn’t every day of the month
Real responsible!!!@@
I know multiple couples, including my husband and I, who have done natural family planning and had kids exactly when we wanted to. Even if there is an unexpected pregnancy it sure beats the 20-30 couples I know who the lady has been on birth control for 5-15 years and then deal with infertility. Babies are a blessing! Infertility is pure heartbreak.
But the fertile window is also when you most desire sex… not that there aren’t other issues, but that doesn’t help.
Some random dude I worked with once said the wisest thing to me-
Good sex can keep two people together who don’t really like each other, but bad sex can drive two people who love each other apart.
lol, that's definitely not true. Just the opposite. If you don't like someone you won't even want to have sex with them.
@@GizmoMaltese what world are you living in? That stops being true at about the age of 13.
@@reggiejenkins6458 In the real world. Most married people will tell you that once the relationship goes sour, the interest in sex disappears. You have to be extremely emotionally detached to want to have sex with someone you dislike.
@@GizmoMaltese you’re either a child or a prude, only you know which one.
@@GizmoMaltese Then I'm guessing you've never had sex good enough to keep doing with someone you don't like. Attraction and emotion are different. And if they're attractive and they're that good in bed. You don't have to like them as a person. Now if they're a deplorable human being than maybe great sex alone isn't enough.
This, I hope, has been eye opening for me. My wife and I have been struggling for months and this is the first time I have sat back and said “am I the asshole” in regards to my attitude and behavior. Thank you.
I highly recommend the books - Come As You Are and How to Improve Your Marriage Witohut Talking. Even if my marriage still ended, I definitely got a better understanding of what ways I was helping and harming my marriage, what to work on, and also how libido and desire can be different for different people. Also, therapy! Good luck!
This was so cringe to read.
@@bookwyrmneducatorthank you so much for suggesting these books! I just went and ordered them to be here tomorrow.😊
My hats off to you for admitting this hun! It takes a level of emotional maturity to see this in oneself. Self awareness is really 🔑 🗝 key! Half of the work toward the solution has already been done. Now you get to decide what you're going to do differently or improve, how you're going to apologize and how you'll attempt to make repairs. ❤ You're already well on your way though. Praying your wife is open & sees your heart.
It sounds more like you’re weak and she doesn’t respect you more so than you being an asshole. You just sound too nice
My husband was a complete, 100% a**hole. He disgusted me, hence I hated being intimate with him. I finally divorced the abusive narcissist. Best decision I have ever made in my life.
You married him. Must have not always been that way. I’m sure you played a part.
I have to say, for 25, she is very self-aware and communicates really well.
Dr. John I feel like I am the maid , the cook , the babysitter ,he keeps all of his thoughts to himself and never has conversations with me and he won't miss his Friday night poker game with the guys .We have been married for 45 years he either can't remember or can't hear anything I say to him( selective hearing ) he watches his programs ,I watch mine . He doesn't ask my opinion about anything .He just always does what he wants and frankly I don't feel like being his sex toy. ( we are two in shape attractive people )
Compared to what?!
@@Ohboycommentsectioncompared to you at 25
@@tiffandc0 eh, 3 more years to go
No she dosent she is dumb lol
It doesn’t make sense to shame girls/women for sexual feelings for 18+ years and expect them not to have any issues/blocks around it once they’re married.
That part! They want you to be a virgin your whole life and then in 1 night become a porn star. It's not going to happen. Ask me how I know....
You're absolutely right...we are threatened, warned, and disowned if we have sex before marriage. A lot of men do not know how to be a .over.
exactly
I’m sorry. Are all of you talking about the 1950s? Our society is the exact opposite now. There is so much sexual stimulation that it’s an overload. Do anyone pay attention anymore?
@@williamsmiley9363it’s a strange mix of over sexualization online and purity culture for the everyday person. Either way women are objectified and told what they ought to do
Our body remembers what our mind tries to forget - I remember this line from a novel I once read. Women’s bodies are so vulnerable especially even during intimacy. This could definitly be why she doesn’t feel like having sex.
I honestly believe that another depression will get women’s attitudes and libidos back into check. You modern American women have turned into the most ungrateful and selfish beasts
Shut up
You can have PTSD responses to trauma your mind doesn't even remember happened. My husband has mental health issues - severe depression, OCD, anxiety, and ADHD - he is the sweetest, most considerate, loving man I have ever known and an incredible father.
the body keeps the score
This was the biggest issue I had whilst on hormonal birth control. I felt like there was something wrong with me. A month or so off the pill and everything changed - much to my husband's delight.
I’m convinced the pill is toxic. I felt so weird on it and it went away immediately after my first cycle off of it.
same on BC
Oddly, my libido dramatically increased when I got on BC and remained high ever since.
I saw one study that claimed 20% of women have a decrease in libido, whereas 10% had an increase. The effects seem to depend on the types of hormones used, the dosages, and any pre-existing diseases like PCOS.
@@sbunnies8204 I think for a lot of women that may be the case but I genuinely dont have problems with it? It didnt mess w my libido and it fixed a lot of my skin issues as well as mental health. Like I used to have horrible anxiety and it helped me so much. I mentioned it to my therapist and she said that can happen bc of the effect on your hormones. It really helped me.
And your own delight I hope!
A few questions:
1. Is he in good shape?
2. Is she in good shape?
3. Do they get along?
4. Are there new stressors in life?
5. Do they talk to each other throughout the day?
6. Do they touch each other non sexually throughout the day.
7. Are they eating or sleeping right?
8. Is either one addicted to porn?
You nailed it, for lack of a better term 😂
@@emmarose6590 😂😂😂
9. Is she working inside and outside of the home/doing a disproportionate amount of the labor?
So much great food for thought.
Great questions!!!
I’ll add as an Eastern practitioner:
1) how are your hormones & adrenals?
2) do you feel shame?
3) do you feel safe & equal in your relationship
4) would it be same with everyone or is something your partner doing
5) is your religious beliefs about your body / shame / or spirit around this affecting your ability to just LET GO & connect with your husband
6) do you and your husband have non intercourse intimacy & connection outside of sex?
7) do you have a healthy connection
8) does flirtation feel good or is pressure taking it away outside of relationship
9) do you truly love him or did you marry him because it’s what you should do
10) are you guys still connected connected heart to heart week to week or?
She needs to talk to a non-traditional doctor who will listen too. I was told endless times I was “too young” to need my hormones checked. At 30 I finally got the test and I had the hormones of a 65 year old woman.
What hormones did you get tested? I had plenty of basic blood tests and thyroid hormones but that's about it. I don't even know which hormones to suggest to add.
did you take hormonal birth control?
Your estrogen, testosterone, and progesterone are the big ones
@@emberya9561 I’m sorry I never saw your question. Estrogen, testosterone and progesterone. :)
@@etf42 Yes, 20 years ago. I spent the last decade before going off birth control on the Merina iud. That iud caused me many problems. When I got my hormones checked I wasn’t on anything anymore.
the part in which she said that she had to spend her childhood making sure her dad was calm... that hit hard
My wife said that she simply didn't really desire sex anymore when we were in counseling about 8 years ago. Almost cost us our marriage, but a combination of communication and the fact that I started getting attention from other women (I got into very good shape as a consequence of my passion for triathlons) seemed to change that quite a bit. I have _never_ been unfaithful to my wife, but whatever she picked up on certainly rekindled her physical desire for me, and it's been a very good 5 years. I had so many feelings of guilt for having a higher libido than she did, feeling like I was badgering her and getting moody when it was mostly frustration and constant fear of rejection. It's hard on men _and_ women in different ways, and I have a lot of sympathy for people going though intimacy issues.
I myself have a high libido but wife has no desire....I think I use work as an escape to the rejection.. Why sit at home and be rejected if I can make a few extra dollars, and have no bills...
I hate the fact that i have to be desired by other women...TO KEEP A WOMAN
Sir. No offense, but you are very confused. You got into very good shape? It wasn't the other women. Your wife became attracted to your improved body. Women want something to nice to look at as well. I think this girl has the same issue. I hate that he didn't ask her if she finds her husband attractive. It doesn't sound like she does....Glad things are going well for you!
@@ST-rj8iu I guess you know a lot about me and my marriage dynamic?
@@CableGuy74 So genuinely sorry to hear that man! I hope you can work things out but I know how hard that can be; just know that it's not something that is unfixable. Wishing you the best.
Doesn’t sound like a happy marriage . The husband feels unwanted and gets no physical intimacy and the wife feels nit picked and mentally abused. Sounds pretty much done
She "saved herself for marriage " they probably belong to a religion that tells them they can't ever be done no matter how miserable they are.
@@loveubye2288 because you have to be adults and figure out how to make the marriage work. You can’t walk out on your partner when a problem comes up. You figure it out and that way you stay together and grow together as a family. Marriage ain’t dating, it’s a commitment.
@@loveubye2288 yes perhaps but it’s also true their religion may say a bunch of stuff that leads to sexual shame around nudity & bodies
@@loveubye2288 which is based they should fix their marriage instead of leaving
@@loveubye2288 yep I’m in Utah and Mormons are ridiculously shamed for even French kissing before marriage let alone sex.
I don’t think this is talked about enough. It’s hard when you don’t desire sex to have a lasting relationship. That can be from traumatic events, medical reasons, or just losing the spark and we don’t talk about it enough.
True. Men need to be warned about women who don’t desire sex. Fastest way to be in an unhappy marriage.
@@taylorb6469
I think education is a more proper solution but okay.
"Warned"is the wrong word to use. You should discuss expectations before going to the bedroom. Otherwise, you set yourself up on that.
Thats why dating is super important,you gotta read the fine print before accepting the contract.
Sex is only 10% of a relationship but it’s the first 10%. Woman fantasize this perfect build up to sex and put sex last and this is the outcome every time. The playfulness and connection goes cold. You can tell a female this till you’re blue in the face and she still won’t believe it. She places ALL the feels she has on her husband to change when it’s her responsibility to control her mood and feels. Unfortunately wedding cake is usually a guys quickest way to have a female go cold on him. This has played out for decades.
I wonder why they got married. It was so sad when she said, she has thick skin. You are not supposed to have thick skin with your husband.
I have adhd. My fiance has autism. We regularly mess up on communication, or misread each other, but we will ALWAYS talk it out, figure it out, and our mutual respect and love for each other takes precendence over anything else. Neither of us would ever "excuse" neglecting the other, it is never acceptable
Some of these calls really need to have both parties on the line, because she either willingly married someone who seems to have no redeeming qualities, or there are details that are being deliberately left out, and either way I feel like advice is being given based on a narrative instead of reality.
100% agree
The caller gives a partial story/their side of the story, but John's giving all this generic advice that could severely impact people's lives. It's quite scary tbh.
I agree. It would be good for counselors to ask some questions to get a basic knowledge of her self esteem.
Because if she feels ashamed or unhappy with who she is, intimacy will be even more challenging. Especially since the husband is not balancing his criticism with affirmation, acceptance, and nurturing.
Agreed.
She said it, he wants sex and she doesn't. So it's unfair to him for her to remain in a marriage where he has to beg for sex. He's probably nitpicking on her bc he's frustrated of not getting sex in the marriage.
Not saying he should do that, but it's probably one of the symptoms of him not getting sex.
They're clearly not compatible. She needs to let him go be with someone who'll give him sex and she needs to go be by herself or be with someone who doesn't want sex like her.
If she married him knowing she's not going to give him sex, then she needs to let this man go. It's unfair to him. For most men, sex is very important, if she can't provide that, she needs to let him go.
I bet she'll have a problem if her husband can't financially provide in the marriage.
@@terriesmith2616 she was a virgin before marriage so she didn’t anticipate not having sex with him. Also…her physiological response to his emotional neglect is something that she Also didn’t anticipate because again… she probably didn’t know her body sexually until after marriage. Some women, cannot get “hot and ready” off of a few kisses… she has to feel fully safe! And she doesn’t.
Compatibility isn’t always going to exist because ppl grow and change through seasons, individually. They need the tools, understanding and will to fix the issues they’re facing.
@@apmg924 right ✅️ I feel like who are these armchair weirdos lamenting while also giving their ignorant 2 cents 🙄
I don’t understand when a person who does not want to have sex expects another person who is not asexual to stay married to them. I don’t think its fair to expect the other party to be celibate. If you are not sexually compatible, you aren’t compatible.
@kathleengerber3899 You, my friend, have hit the nail on the head!!! It's NOT complicated at all. Thank you for saying that.
I agree, that's why I'm not a big fan of staying a virgin before marriage. It's a risk that could turn out badly for one or both people. Some people have been lucky and were virgins before marriage with no problems afterwards, good for them. But some couples end up like this, with big sexual incompatibilities that can or can't be solved.
@@SomeBody-ce3gq you have the wrong mindset. Having sex with random people before marriage increases the likelihood of separating.
@@yellowsnowman9157 They didn't say have sex with random people. There's a happy medium between remaining celibate until marriage and going around hooking up as much as possible. I'm currently single and don't do the hook up culture thing, but if I'm in a committed relationship with someone who I've developed strong feelings for I don't see why we shouldn't sleep together if we both want to. I've had several relationships end or get cut off early because we realized we weren't compatible when it comes to physical intimacy, I'm glad to have known that early on rather than get married and find out when it would take legal action to separate lol. I understand a lot of people stay celibate until marriage for religious reasons and there's not much to do about that, but I'm not religious.
@@SomeBody-ce3gqmy husband and I had sex before marriage and it’s caused nothing but problems for us. Wish we both would have waited. Besides that every time you have sex with someone you’re giving a part of yourself away, you’re risking STD and unwanted pregnancies. Nothing good comes from sleeping around.
This caller 1,000% me! Tough female thinking I can handle stuff and wouldn't just "let" my husband be emotionally abusive. We didn't yell or curse at each other but words were strong. He also had a porn problem. It got to me no matter how tough I thought I was. We're divorced now. I hope this caller and her husband are at a better place.
So you didn't sleep with your husband but you are criticizing him for having a porn problem?
What did you expect him to do?
@@TLPWRlifter for him not to be emotionally abusive so she would want to have sex with him? And also, a lot of men already have porn problems before getting married and that hurts a lot a couple even if men want to keep believing it doesn’t. Sex is not like porn in real life.
@@anamaullyherrera6380
People always give the most charitable perspective on themselves and her comment clearly said there were mutual arguments.
I think my point still stands.
With that being said I do agree porn is corrosive but when you have a wife that doesn't have sex with you it's either that or cheating.
I don't think you guys realize how critical sex is to men. It's truly a need with a capital N.
People should have the same sympathy for men not getting sex while in a marriage as they have for women who don't feel like sleeping with the man because her needs aren't met. The vast majority of everything men do is to attain sex. We build ourselves up, get in shape, make money, learn how to talk to women, become confident, achieve greatness, etc. all of that primarily to obtain sex. Now imagine doing all of that, committing to one woman and being punished by having sex withheld while in a committed relationship.
I'm not saying I don't have sympathy for a woman not feeling it because she doesn't feel like her needs are met. But what I am saying is that withholding it will likely exacerbate every existing issue and lead to the dissolution of the marriage.
Emotially abusive can just be thrown around like anything, this docs a simp.
@TLPWRlifter Ummm....I didn't say I didn't sleep with him. Not sure about caller, but I wasn't withholding.😅 I can laugh now that I have passed all of the trauma, and I'm truly happy now. But in my case, my husband married me bringing in a porn addiction. I didn't know how bad it was until later after we married and I caught him.
Sir, if you're struggling in that area....it's a death trap to your emotions, intimacy, and compassion to understand another person. Those types of quickies are self destructive....every single time. If you have a wife, talk to her truthfully and get help. If you aren't with someone yet and want a wife one day, get help now. Don't drag that invisible beast into your marriage. It will kill it and damage her and you.
Wow ! You’re so insightful! Love the part where you talk about someone stewing and putting off negative energy. But then acting like you’re crazy for thinking they’re mad about something. Super annoying! Glad to see that someone mentioned this aspect. Thank you 😊
1) The downside to the natural family planning is you don't have sex when your drive is highest --ovulation.
2) It's hard to desire someone who is making you feel bad. And it's hard for someone to be nice to you if you are pushing them away.
3) They need to actually be willing to learn about sex with each other.
I want sex more when I'm away from my bf but unfortunately I suddenly (sometimes) lose interest when I know that it's time to actually do the deed 😔
It's a mental block in my brain
What’s your suggestion for #1? I’m pregnant because of ovulation drive! NFP has been our go to and clearly didn’t work.
@Hulda's Journey • We still live with our parents ATM. We're looking for a place now tho! Hopefully when we have our own space we can experiment more as I feel like we're both still getting used to it
You can have sex on ovulation days and just use condoms.
I practice NFP and just use barrier method during ovulation
I’m 28 and have recently been feeling like this. But it’s not really that I don’t “like” sex… it’s just difficult to continue wanting it when your partner is bad at it or very selfish sexually. My needs are never met even if I’ve reached the point of begging for change.. At this point , I feel bad bringing anything up anymore because I don’t want to make him feel like he’s not good enough but at the same time. He makes me feel that way when he leaves me hanging 100% of the time. It makes me so sad …
Please communicate with him and be very concise with what you need. Most men have been taught about sex through an incorrect understanding of themselves and female body. If you want to be with him and still get your needs met his ego has go out the window. It happens to everyone whose in a truth long lasting relationship. You have to TEACH your spouse how to properly satisfy you. Men like to be praised. Use words/sounds to tell him when does something right and when does something wrong. If he's early finisher then tell him to look up "edging" it will help with endurance. Switch positions. Have him to try to please you first before he can about doing anything to you. You gotta talk it out though. As a man whose in a committed long-term relationship, I've dealt with this and our sex lives now is mutual beneficial and she's just excited as me about it. I hope this helps, we need to keep our families together.
Communicate, communicate, communicate and do so directly without shame.
Unless you’re with a total selfish dunce, most every man wants his wife in ecstasy with him, and most every man needs to be told how to do it.
Unfortunately, I’ve been trying to communicate my feelings and my needs and wants for 7 years.. It feels like an eternity because it falls on deaf ears. I really think he just doesn’t care to change anything because I can’t fathom being told these things and just not understanding? I’ve tried everything I could think of in regards to communication about our sexual relationship. I feel I’ve been patient and have intentionally maintained kindness when bringing these things up because I care about how he feels at the end of our conversations. But I don’t know, just nothing… Now I’m in a place where , I desperately want release and the frustration i feel even in my chest just makes me cry.. I dont know what to do.. I don’t want to separate but I just hate thinking that this will be my life :( I am a very sexual person and I feel like I’m going to loose that side of me because I have no one to share it with
If I was communicating my sexual needs to a partner and they were ignoring them I would leave. I am a very giving person in the bedroom and I expect the same in return.
@@bekind2416 be direct and tell him either he meets your needs or another man will. Unfortunately with some guys you have to be that blunt for them to get it.
His answer to that will tell you what you need to do moving forward.
If your husband treats you one way when you’re dating and then treat you differently. Once you’re married he shouldn’t be surprised if you’re emotional and physical response to him also changes.
Women should also look at the way their partners treat other people before getting married. If he's a jerk to others, but sweet to her, he could easily become a jerk to her once they are married.
@@MeAVE243right! I noticed my fiancé being really rude and weird to others. Not gonna keep him in my life anymore. He turned on me slowly too and I know if we’d actually yet married he’d get worse
@tutibritney I hope you're doing well now! I imagine it's not a pain-free decision, but it makes sense to choose yourself and choose respect. 💛
That’s very true. When you don’t feel safe with him, your body starts saying no. If he doesn’t make you feel loved, respected, and safe, your body with shut him down.
It's sad that she got away from her father, only to run to the arms of another version of him.
That's how it usually goes.
And if we spoke to him, we'll find, she's an image of his mother in some way.
That was the EXACT situation with my ex. Praise God I’m finally living with a safe family (not by blood), and that I’m unlearning that stuff.
Talking to a handsome guy right now, whom FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I have felt **safe** being myself around him. No rush to commitment and no real offense if I am not making him happy. Being myself was not enough for my father and ex.
It is LIBERATING!! We’re not married, and he’s treating it that way! My ex had “marriage expectations” without the ring
@@aprilwashington3150OMG!! This too! I met my ex’s mother, and she was like me in a lot of ways. His respect for her was all over the place. That’s how it felt with me.
One day I’m beautiful and kind, and then the next day I am not “conventionally attractive” and I’m somehow manipulative and a hypocrite?? 😵💫 One day, he admires his mom. The next day, he saw her as a child.
I’ll try not to go too much into, since this is the internet and it’s not their business 😂
If you expect to have a functioning household there are standards that have to be met. Telling someone that they need to pick up more slack or need to look or behave a certain way isn’t abuse.
@@deutscherfischer55 That doesn’t seem to be what is going on there AT ALL
I cannot relate. I was a virgin before I was married. But I was lucky that my family had a sex positive attitude. My grandma/mother said openly that sex was fun (inside marriage). That it was powerful and beautiful funny and normal and fun. It was meant to be for marriage but it wasn’t shameful and bad. I was raised very religious and I am still very religious. And I really love my relationship with my husband physically and it has only gotten better over our 15years. I’m so sorry for the women who hate sex because it’s great.
@ Cess - LOL Cess said she cannot relate 😆. Sex is suppose to be great for both the man and the woman. Your grandma and mother are right.
I’m Catholic and my Catholic family had a similar attitude towards sex. Among my Catholic friends, sex is seen as an absolute must for marriage quality. And not the “act” of sex alone, but the intimacy and the enjoyment of it. I strayed and (sadly) was not a virgin before marriage, and my husband is not Catholic. I think our intimate life would be better if we both saw sex as my Catholic friends do.
It good thing your family was so sex positive ,and it's rare it see that I most anywhere,and especially in Christian family most are taught it's a sin or it's something for their husband .
And for most all they get from the church is rhetoric and bad teaching , about abstaining,and it's a sin from their early years to teens to young adults or they heard nothing at all .
Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors, what they tell you and what may be happening are two different things, I'm sure there's plenty of Catholics that have bad sex lives. You need to stop comparing your life to others and try to improve your life with your husband and your sex life.
@@sitka49 but you sound like someone who gets their ideas about Christianity and married sex from either a 1956 parochial school... or from tv. None of what you said is typical in Christianity. At least not for decades.
If you don’t feel like touching him at 25 you are with the wrong person…
If I was an attorney, I would be saying, leading the witness all day long. Very little information outside of the fact that she said he was “nitpicky”, and then led her to say he is “abusive”.
Come on dr John, you need a lot better evidence to jump to conclusions of being abusive.
Availability bias in research and medicine. I agree I’m not swayed much by this talk beyond the fact that yeah they do need marriage counseling.
Right husband should get to walk away free and clear if she isn't holding up her end of the deal why should he
yeahhh but you’re not an attorney and you’re not a psychologist or counselor…. he has a literal doctorate in figuring out what people aren’t saying, what’s they’re really thinking, what they need. is he perfect, no. but calling it leading is bullshit. look at any of his calls with the abuser in the situation… he hardly holds them accountable at all.
The husband is a just being the way he knows how to be and it's clear she hasn't had a single conversation on what he needs to work on
He is a beta simp.
What is expressed and said throughout the day and the overall tempo and atmosphere of the home always has an impact on sex psychology
Nailed it.
100%
❤❤❤❤
Things for this woman to consider:
>Responsive vs spontaneous arousal
>A woman's natural diffuse awareness- environment needs to be appealing to the senses.
>The TYPE of sex is likley very masculine energy driven and for women, over time it's not sustainable. There's other ways. Other pleasure pathways. Other approaches to sex.
>The female anatomy and journey of arousal is very different to the male approach. The feminine requires time and a lot of it.
>Empowered and Conscious Communication is key
>Psycho-emotional-sexual connection is important. Women need to feel emotionally safe and mentally stimulated by someone in order to feel turned on by them.
>Tantra and somatic body work are amazing.
>starting with yourself,your own sexual healing, awakening and empowerment first.
>Both people need to put the effort and work in to creating amazing sex-lives. It cannot be all on ONE person to do the work.
>Diet and life style. Nourish your body, mind and being.
♡
It's can literally be that she is a natural sensual sex haver but the guy only knows how to jack hammer
Sex is overrated. I prefer solitude and peace and quiet. I've evolved past my basic animal instincts.
Oh my! So glad this came across my feed today! I felt like I was hearing myself through the caller! Thanks for the video!
The body needs emotional and physical safety in order to experience arousal. What I’m hearing is that her husband is mean to her. That is not an environment where desire can thrive. She is asking what’s wrong with her. Probably nothing. Her body just doesn’t like the emotional abuse. Please find someone who is kind. He’s not going to change. The sooner you accept this, the less time you’ll waste. The good news is that the world is full of wonderful, kind people. ❤
@angelic welll, which came first? The chicken or the egg? Was he mean to her First? Or is he mean to her after time after time she will not have sex with him? hmmm. If it's the latter, you really can't blame him. (well, he shouldnt be mean, but I can certainly understand really frustrated.)
@@girlygirl1890she was a virgin when she married, zero chance he openly discussed his needs or desires, most people don’t. And she didn’t know what to expect or even what her needs and desires are because she was a virgin!!! If he is mean because he isn’t getting what he wants that’s abuse. He should be willing to go to any lengths to help their relationship, that includes a sex therapist if need be. Not all females are 304s before trapping a man in marriage. Some, like this gal are virgins, very very rare, like unicorn rare. Way more desirable than some 304.
@@michellesimmons3150 You are absolutely correct. Silly me...I don't know HOW I missed the fact that she was a virgin during that call. But I did. I didn't even hear that part, somehow. But anyhow, yes, since she was a virgin, then she wouldn't have known. On the other hand though, I think, to be fair to him, either work on the issue seriously to see if something can be done to meet BOTH peoples needs, or let him go because that's still not fair to him. He did not sign up for that. Blessings.
It’s situational, I’ve literally tested this and have gotten opposite results you stated. I’ve tried being nice and caring and basically being mister nice guy to my girl and sex is far and few between. Then I’ve turned into an ass hole and been distant and give her no attention and she clams to please me in the bedroom. Toxic I know, really not how I want to be but it gets results in the bedroom. You woman can’t be figured out. You say one thing then immediately turn around and do another thing alot of times completely opposite of what you say you want. Woman can get out of your own way most of the time. 🤷🏼♂️
@@mxusa8383 There is a middle ground here
Girls don't go for the nice guys. Nice guys let girls lead them, and what girl wants to be the leader?
Going for the jerk is overreaction, at least the guy is confident and can take care of himself! And yet, we know it's wrong
So what's the middle ground?
A saint with balls. Think Nehemiah, peter, or mufasa from the lion king
We don’t wait long enough to get married. I’ve been divorced twice. I didn’t wait. I didn’t ask the right questions. I ignored bad behavior. Ignored my own demons. Of course it didn’t work.
Seems like you’re the common denominator
Hope things get better
@@koop2.1.5 This is such a stupid demon invested response and makes me want to wish that everything you do will give you inexplicable pain and grief until you grow up. You are disgusting and unkind and must be really smelly in real life. Eeeekkk 🤮🤮🤮 common denominator is you and your demonic spirit of unkindness. Terrible person!
This was such an excellent response by Dr. John - a completely antithetical approach to the advice given to a husband in a different video (the one where he tells the husband that 'your wife doesn't give a crap about you' based on similar couple dynamics).
“If you grew up like that, in your home, your body knows ‘we gotta disappear, kid” hits so hard 😭
Guys be a jerk to their wives and then wonder why she has no sex drive.
Most women are dryer than the Sahara Desert if the guy is too nice. You need to be assertive and lead in order for her to be sexually attracted to him. And some toxic women are sexually attracted to douche bag losers who beat women
Thank u
According to whom? The wife? The one who constantly rejects any intimacy with him and basically lied to him before they got married?
*
Because I'll tell you this.... if there is ONE THING guys are super interested in it is SEEEEEEX. And if she led him on in any way, shape, or form to believe that there WOULD be sex, then she SLAMMED THE DOOR on him the minute he said, "I do", that is cruelty in the barest form.
*
Boy yeah... no reason at all that he's feeling a bit... off.
*
When you commit, you commit. "To have and to hold... forsaking all others." That's the marriage vow. To simply say, "Well gee, I don't feel like sex at all, ever...." That is selfishness and meanness.
*
Imagine if it were the other way: he led her to believe he would provide and care for her, then when they said, "I do" he decided to play video games all day and live off welfare in a dump?
Ya like you really know the whole story.
Guys start acting like jerks when the wife stops initiating/wanting sex. You would be pissed too of you only sexual outlet just turned off the tap. Men still have to be the provider protector and rock of the family, yet the woman can just stop her end of the deal and think everything should be fine because she feels sex is not important.
For lots of women, they need intimacy in the way of affection, laughing, talking, caring for one another before making love. And within a marriage, one would hope it was indeed “making love” for the most part. (I know sometimes you just “do it” 😂)
So much discussion on here is about “having sex”, and basically the physical aspect and how men would get a divorce if not getting sex a few times a week or whatever. What about creating a deeper bond first and allowing the love making to come from that space?
Because otherwise it can be just like mutual masturbation. Not that that is “bad”. But not deeply fulfilling.
Deeply fulfilling and connected sex=the ultimate!
I know, if men demand their sexual intimacy because they need it, imagine being a woman and NEVER getting the intimacy they need.
@@brittany7573Go poly 😎
It's not even like mututal masturbation, it's just one partner using the other to get off (in the case of one partner wanting it and the other doing it out of duty).
And I am honestly surprised by the number of men saying their women need to provide it like it's a chore to be done. I can't imagine slweping with someone that would rather not sleep with me if given the free choice.
The problem is, her husband does this, he's still likely not to get any sex.
@@lolasonne1772 Yeah, it`s disturbing to hear that these men think it`s a chore their wife has to do. First of all: That`s rape. Second: They seem not to be aware that women actually enjoy sex when they are not with a selfish, forcing asshole of a man.
I feel this girl. Everything she said, I have experienced. Especially once having kids. And it took awhile for it to get good and fun and all that it should be. Its so difficult for some of us to enjoy it, and its hard to be vulnerable and communicate and figure out what you like and your partner likes and getting comfortable with that situation and being able to let go. And I have serious hormonal regulation issues. So great advice from John on getting checked out. I wish I had done that in my 20s. It would have made things so much easier.
The first woman sounds so kind and she knows. I wish her strength and a good decision.
A marriage without sex is just a friendship, it's not a marriage.
This reminds me of faith by works instead of works by faith. Sex doesn’t make a marriage but a happy frequency is a byproduct of one.
@@murraybeachtel8585 sex absolutely makes a marriage. It's literally the only atrribute in a marriage that can not be shared.
incorrect. There are such things as Josephite marriages
@@ashastings92 Not by law as it is a financial partnership. And spiritually it is a covenant. The importance of this is exemplified in the too common of a situation where one partner gets sick or is separated. Just because sex is not happening doesn’t mean the marriage is only friendship. When you have a bond with one person like that it you’d understand but too many of us see a marriage as what is in it for me rather than that we are here for each other.
@@murraybeachtel8585 i have many strong bonds with people that arent my wife. I have extremely strong bonds with my brothers, parents, sister. I would evem argue the bond I have with my older brother is even stronger than the bond with my wife. Ive known my wife for 5 years. Ive known my brother my whole life. However the key difference between the bond with my brother and bond with my wife. Is that I have a sexual bond with my wife.
Again. Sex makes the marriage.
It sounds like the caller might have Responsive Desire, which is much more prevalent than people think. It's when you don't experience desire until you feel arousal.
Most women have responsive desire - they only want to have sex with the right guy under the right circumstances. Most men have proactive desire - we're generally ready to go with most women at any given time.
She just doesn't want to have sex with her husband because she married someone like her father whom she subconsciously resents and her remaining a virgin till her 20s has made it far easier to hold back her desire.
Interesting good point!
Same thing
Yes. This is most definitely a thing in many women I think. Instead of saying no, it can help to take things slowly until the desire catches up between the body and the brain
Dr. John is so insightful .... Such a breathe of fresh air
This is the first time I’ve come across your channel. I am so moved by how this is a man but actually looking at both sides and being realistic. You are such a breath of fresh air in this podcast bro era.
Also to the lady who called in. I had a similar dad. Very emotionally neglectful and scary but never did anything society would deem as abusive. I started therapy and I felt so much vindication when my therapist told me that a father shouldn’t make you want to disappear. It was abuse. Acknowledging that is so tough because it almost gives you this sense of pride that you were able to react to the emotional abuse in a way that made seem resilient or unbothered, because it was never a safe space for you to feel like the victim.
Realising this doesn’t mean you have to blame or be angry at your dad, rather it’s helping you face the truth and avoid the people who will treat you with the same emotional callousness.
Thank you for commenting this. This is exactly how it is with my dad. When you used the word “disappear,” it made me remember when I didn’t want to exist, because it was too painful to have my existence be such a burden to my family.
I don’t want to stay angry and hate him all my life. I love Jesus, and I want to be as forgiving as He is. It’s hard, but I trust it will be worth it. I now love myself enough to heal, because it is the goodness of God that drives people to true repentance. Not fear and shame. Fear is exhausting; Love is FUEL
I don’t need to pretend my dad did everything right. That’s not what forgiveness looks like ❤❤❤
As a woman I was stuck in a sexless marriage it happens to women as well. So glad I left! It’s misery. My husband was just like hers and controlled intimacy and weaponized it. I hope she able to figure this out she’s in a though place.
😏
You made the right choice.
@@heroldjaras9909 it does happen to a lotta women too, their husbands get disinterested in sex and would rather spend their free time gaming or lounging. Some men have low libido too.
@@hillsideonly their wives get fat.
A lot of times that’s from porn too
It takes patience and love ,but [connection] is so important,emotionally,spiritually, and physically.
I hated sex as well when I got married at 22. It felt like a chore. He even put me on hormone pills and NOTHING helped. It was HIM. He was controlling, manipulative, mentally abusive. It plummeted my drive to zero. He told me I have no reason to feel how I feel and if I “listen to him”, things would be much better. I was happily divorced by 25 and didn’t have sex for years because I felt like my body was FINALLY MINE. I only recently started to actually enjoy sex.
She sounds like such a smart, grounded woman who deep down knows but is having a hard time believing the truth. She’s with the wrong person. I hope she finds the strength to walk away and start fresh! ❤
My ex had an addictive personality and was "very particular" about _everything,_ and nit-picked a lot (complaining) almost made me go crazy. I DID become his "mommy" and it was gross and awful.
WOW!!!! Your dad!!! Girl! That was with me too! It was like I was dealing with my dad. I had an angry, scary dad as a kid and I was the peacemaker as well.
Codependent.
Peacemaker.
The always "yes" girl.
No boundaries.
Feeling responsible for others emotional or familial atmosphere.
Dang, John!!! You hit it!
"I cannot stand before you naked (and I'll add: LET YOU INTO MY BODY) when you criticize me all the time! I don't feel safe in this marriage."
I didn't realize that I didn't feel safe in my first marriage. I was so focused on him and so disconnected with myself....I didn't notice 😢
Same here.. so tired of being the diplomatic mission for the family
the question, so this video makes me realize that I might be nit-picking at my girl a little bit, how do I improve this. some context I was a ugly duckling and didn't get attention from women until 22 yo, my coping mechanism was to become ripped thus I became very particular about fitness and grooming. living like that has become my norm, but she is way more relaxed about it, how do I tell her that I find cleanliness and physical fitness more attractive even in older years? FYI I don't want a IG model but I don't want someone whose stomach hangs more out than her breasts, shes got small ones but I find them cute regardless. also she doesn't have any sex appeal cuz she is the more Christian type of girl, where as I had to learn to be a fboi.
@@devankurmitra4118Leave her and let her find a man who loves her for who she is. That’s what you can do.
Same
@@devankurmitra4118she's not for you. You don't even like her. Go find someone you like and stop abusing this poor girl.
I learned to despise sex with my ex however
He was coercive , pressuring and refused to listen to what I want and if he did something I didn’t like I’d tell him and he would blow up and say I don’t like anything and leave the room. So yea I didn’t want it.
We really need to have both people in this conversation to form an opinion
My ex talked a good game. Insanely romantic and invested, but he wouldn't take a damn shower. There came a moment when I was really trying. I came into the room and he lifted the cover with a "come hither" look. The smell almost knocked me over. I slumped to the floor and cried. This is one of many reasons most people don't know what went wrong.
@@pixel9548 That's so gross, and that could give you a yeast infection! I'm sorry that you went through that. How selfish.
@@pixel9548 I would grab a bucket of soapy water and throw it at him😂😂 But the truth is sometimes there's a spirit attach to him that's dirty like lustful spirit reason he likes to be dirty.
Well when she gives you 50 no’s. And 2 yes. What do you do?
@@Legacy4magic well if you love her you find out what’s going on. Look at yourself and what you are doing or not doing. Talk to her
Powerful conversation. Glad there is somewhere like this that people feel safe enough to make the leap to ask for support.
Why is no one talking about him emotionally abusing her?! It was eerie hearing this call because it’s very similar to what I went thru in my marriage… granted mine was worse and I still don’t like admitting what he did was abusive in so many ways.
Abuse in any form should NEVER be tolerated and I hope he changes his ways before he does damage he can’t undo.
Damn... poor thing. Her daddy was abusive and now her husband is. She was taught that love is pain and she sought someone who shows her exactly what her dad did.
For a guy with the screen name ineedhoez you don’t have much street smarts. She said her father WASN’T abusive, he was “rough around the edges”.
And to even say that Delony had to browbeat her. She and Delony are just making up excuses for being abusive towards her husband, that’s all.
@@reggiejenkins6458 wouldn’t say she’s abusive towards her husband and I don’t think he’s abusive towards her neither. Dude is probably just irritated cause he’s sexually frustrated
I see why you need hoez. You a simp
@@cptfreeman8966 she is the abusive one. Marrying a man and withholding sex is abuse on every level. When you add in the fact it’s literally for no reason, this woman comes off as mildly evil.
@@reggiejenkins6458 she said he was emotionally abusive later on.
Sometimes it’s the lack of emotional support. Women need emotional support and when mean are not emotionally available women become sexually unavailable.
John i love how you hold space for people, you rock man
Dr. Deloney makes the best guesses of any living psychologist.
Why dont some guys just realize, its not a hormone issue, its not an attraction issue, its nothing more then some women just dont like sex. Sometimes the sensation from an orgasm just doesnt feel good and after it happens we kinda just go "oh thats it? okay, i could take it or leave it" and then we have to get cleaned up and hope we dont have any pain the next few days. Uti's are horrible and thats because of the guy's hygiene and then our PH balance is thrown off. Honestly it isnt worth it for us. We could go our whole lives without and be unbothered.
You should never marry, if you do, you are selfish.
@@Omerkosar some men are ace and demisexual, we still have options. Also what about the couple who is waiting until marriage? if neither of them have ever had sex then how can you be sure either partner wont hate it or they are just doing it to make the other person happy. They will start to resent it and their partner. I'm just saying some women wont know until their first time and then what do they tell their partner? its not their fault they dont enjoy it
The hormone issue is worth exploring.
But yeah if she successfully held out until marriage, her drive is low
Don’t get married if you don’t like sex.
@@BirdDogey1 Don't get married if sex is a deal breaker. One of my friends in college was diagnosed with a medical issue where any sex and inserting of feminine products was debilitatingly painful, no cure or fix. She had been dating a guy for over 4 years when she found out and they still got married knowing this. He loves her and she loves him with or without sex. Not all men are one track minded like you.
This entire woman’s experience is my childhood and relationship currently. I felt extremely seen watching this and feel less alone in this
Same here💔
me too
I definitely will be reading that book. I have had so much trauma and abuse throughout my life. And have committed myself to being healed and whole
As someone in a relationship where our "problem" is actively limiting the amount of intimacy cuz it distracts from life in general.. I can't even imagine being with someone who isnt comfortable with me/want to be intimate
I relate to what she feels. I don't think I ever enjoyed sex despite having an active sexual lifestyle. But it got worse when I had a major health problem and it was traumatic. Recovering isn't easy and with having other physical issues, I can't find it easy to just want sex...
He nitpicks at her constantly, no wonder her body is physically rejecting him!
I love that he mentions to get her hormones checked. So many people don’t even consider that. But I also love that he addresses that she doesn’t feel safe with him. Feeling safe is so important for literally every part of your life
I think we need to be real careful on what we label as abuse…sometimes a difficult but necessary conversation needs to happen and if someone doesn’t like it…that shouldn’t be labeled as abuse…
Wow. Exactly what I experienced in my marriage. Thanks for this.
As a man.... This is a nightmare. Scary stuff. No man wants this horrible situation.
No man? May be some men need to know that Romance begins from the moment you wake up in the morning and if you are being a jerk the whole day and expect intimacy later at night? Her body is already shut down by the time you desire sexual intimacy. People need to just be nice and kind to their partners.
Communication and mutual respect is so important. Sharing intimacy in marriage takes great care for one another to make it rewarding. Trust is a critical element to intimacy.
In a long term relationship, sex is only 10%, unless it's bad. Then it's 90%.
I figured that she picked her dad. People don’t think our childhood plays a role in it all but we all go for someone who is familiar. It’s so sad. God help us.
I don't get the power tripping husbands. My ex even dictated which direction my son or I pulled the shower curtain. He would listen in the hallway and throw a temper tantrum if it sounded like the curtain slid to the left instead of the right. Too bad these psychos don't show this behavior before you get married.
Exactly! They're never like that when you're dating. The relationship is built on what the deceiver created. Very sad.
Date for a long time they cant hide it forever
Psychologists say it takes 10 months to get to know a person.
The red flags are always there. The problem is not many people know how to spot them, or worse, just outright ignore them in the hopes it will get better.
Vetting is extremely important. Make sure you watch videos and read books on how to spot narcissists and other toxic people.
Wow. That´s another level.
If you dont enjoy it, then it's not being done correctly. If you are not satisfied and don't feel cared for or paid attention to during it, then why on earth would you want to do it again? "If you don't like it, I hate it." "I'm not an animal, I don't steal." "I enjoy cuddling too- you don't owe me anything" was what my husband told me. It surprised me as my father was a butt and taught a lot of lies. Those sort of conversations are required. If he's a butt, then yeah exactly, your body protects itself when you don't- and it protects your future kids.
Omg. Sounds like my husband. Men dont change. If you are truely unhappy leave....you are so young. Dont waste your life like me. Girl run.
Men don't change? Ok....
@roymercer22 either women
She is brave and self aware for 25 years old , doctor is great, hope her issue got resolved 🥺
Going to war is brave. This is not brave.
@@TheMainMan364going to war for a country that doesn't care for you is called, retarded .
@@TheMainMan364she means brave for a woman
Yes
@@funicon3689brave but couldnt even say one thing he criticises her for?
A lot of women don’t sexually peak until their 30s. I was one of them. I had zero sex drive in my younger years. In my early 30s everything changed.
What do you attribute that to?
@@whitneyw.7919 hormones. Women tend to peek sexually in their 30's and 40's
I wish that was me. My sex drive was crazy high when I was younger, and now that I'm married & my husband wants it all the time, I have little drive anymore. My hormones were high in my early 20s & went down from there.
Whitney- knowing your own body, what makes you orgasm. Feeling secure mentally. Being with a loving partner
@@jasminemariedarling This is also typical. Women use their sexuality to secure a man and once they have that man locked down, they tend to feel less need to be sexual. Many do this intentionally (bait and switch) but I also think it is subconscious to some degree as well. So once a woman has what she was trying to get, she no longer puts out what it took to get it. Regarding attracting her man, she feels like she no longer needs to keep putting out the honey because she already trapped the bee.
BTW, this is also why women have no problem getting a man but most have a hard time KEEPING a man. Because most men feel deceived and bait/switched after being provided tons of sex at the beginning, then getting less and less even though he just gave you access to his income, assets, time, and loyalty.
"Gender Roles" is the biggest red flag. If he's a jerk, leave ASAP because it will only get worse and harder to leave. You're 15 months in. You should still be in the honeymoon phase.
No sex, no honeymoon phase.
@user-he6rs8xi7u Sex is not all there is to intimacy, it should be the cherry on top not the whole sundae.
Agreed
This is why you don’t marry virgins. Just kidding 😂😴
Lost that decision when she got married. Start doing the work as a team and fix the marriage
I understand this so very well. My husband has done awful things that has controlled our life for 29 years and he wonders what’s wrong. I’m hurt. I feel like I’m an object. I’m unimportant all the time, but when he wants sex he thinks that what’s wrong???? I kept sucking it up and picking myself back up and continued with the sex, but about 60-62 I could not pop back. I don’t know how to come back again. We’ve been in counseling for 2 and a half years. I cannot shake it. My counselor said, don’t worry about the sex, don’t feel guilty, but I still feel guilty. I have been feeling less guilty, but that guilt doesn’t go away. I really take care of him when he’s sick, etc etc. I’m there for him. I’m so confused.😢
Fake it, until you make it. Start being extra flirty, put makeup up, try some outlandish lingerie you'd never wear like a leather corset or bright candy colors bra, undies, skirt- just give yourself a set time & amount, like you're deciding because you love him, you're going to sex it up extra special 3 X's a week for the next 3 mos. See if that doesn't change things? Maybe you'll start to desire him again. Don't forget to pretend at the end, if you didn't finish, for his sake. Men need that. And whatever you do, don't tell him your plan! Lol. Make him feel like a desired man again, and you'll start to feel it, too. Goodluck.
I applaud this woman and the advice given.
One thing not discussed a lot is how bad many men are in bed to the point where women have no sexual desire.
Some of it is technical, but often it's not technical it's a vibe they give off.. like an "entertain me" or "doing what you find sensual/sexual is not a turn on for me so i'm gonna rush through it consciously or subconsciously" OR many times its a vibe that's hard to put your finger on. And also, many times your body in a relationship is telling you what your mind and heart doesn't want to acknowledge regarding relationship issues
"its a vibe you cant put your finger on"
do you realize how ridiculous you sound
Most of it is emotionally charged for women. My man wasn't the best when we first met but 9 years later, even after 3 children our intimacy is top notch because we have grown to know eachother. I respect him, he respects me and that is the driving force behind a good sex life. So saying most 14:45 men aren't "good" in bed is completely false. It's dependent on many other variables for women.
I can be a nitpicky person and when our marriage was In earlier stages It did impact our sex life some....letting some things not bother me and being less of a nitpicking person has definitely helped sex life with wife.....married 12 years now. Some guys have to learn this about marriage. Guys are always in mood for sex usually...but women won't get in mood if relationship is having a bunch of turbulence generally.
Not unless it's a really hot guy, they women always seem to be in the mood.
@@humansvd3269even then after sometime they get bored
The question is rarely asked: Why do a lot of men have the same problem???
It’s not just one sided as is constantly stated in many videos.
Ask the man of the extreme frustration of no sex and maybe the reaction is not good but there’s no good remedy to lack of frustration and the problem relating to that.
I’m not saying men are not wrong but women need to put their hand up and take their responsibility for some of the problems.
Like what? Being emotionally abused? 🙄
I like the way he guides people through the issue and they find the real problem
I wonder why he married her if he is going to criticize her?
" your body is trying to protect you " 💜
Yeeeeeeeeeei
Great advice Dr. John
As a “ everything rolls off my back “ person , it only appears that way @ surface level , you can bet that we’re carrying that emotionally . This all sounds so familiar to me. I hope she gets counseling for her sake.
She has an amazing amount of introspection. Assuming this was not a manufactured call, it’s surprising that she would have made the mistake of marrying this guy.
What did the guy do wrong?
It's very possible the guy put up a front until they were married. It's like the saying "Women's always date/or like jerks." Well... they don't start off as jerks. They start off nice and interested and flip the switch on the girl. It's not just men. Women do it too. "I didn't know she was crazy". Well... she didn't start off that way. She was probably nice, and once the guy was in love... unleash the crazy! People lie. It's so sad. And sometimes the unsuspecting one doesn't realize until it's too late.
This is the first and only insightful reply that I have read regarding this video. I, too, was dumbfounded that she married this man, especially after making the comment that she “doesn’t let him [be emotionally abusive]”. Sounds like she has more control than she portrays.
@@elliottclarkcrawford It is quite normal that children that experienced trauma look for partners that will traumatize them again (see Women that love too much by Robin Norwood. One of the parents is an alcoholic. Daughters have a VERY high chance to also "fall in love" with an alcoholic and be hurt in the process. Boys have higher risk to become alcoholics themselves.
As for this young couple: both will have behaved differently when they were only dating. As she "saved herself" for marriage they did not live together. If your do not share daily life (with the stressors and irritations and being together all the time) it is much easier to be well behaved. It is not even intentional deception. Usually we reserve our bad / weird behavior for the people closest to us. Even with close friends we are better behaved.
During dating he may have appeared well organized (a bit OCD maybe, but in a useful way). And likely he did not criticize her all time long. Maybe he appeared to be assertive and a bit opinionated. She is used to that by her dad, and if he showed those traits in a positive context (there are positive sides to them as well), she will not have objected - or even liked him for it.
They didn't live together before they got married, so she didn't see it. He hid it and kept the lid on until he felt he trapped her.
Is it possible he’s acting that way because she constantly rejects him? I’m not defending his behavior, but he might feel unwanted and rejected. I would love to hear his side of the story.
Very good point
That is why he is acting that way. John tried to blame him for it, but her first sentences were "I hate sex" and "I hate sex as a whole". She did NOT say "I hate sex with my husband, but I would really dig sex with someone else". So no matter what he does, she is going to hate it. He has every right to be pissed and telling him to "change his behavior and maybe she will open up to you" is going down the wrong path. Bet you he wasn't a jerk before the marriage.
@@citrustaco100%
💡💡Is it possible she constantly rejects him because he is constantly an a-hole. Get IT!💡💡
@@lifecyclestyled6732
Why did she marry one? I marry a woman who sleeps around then complain why she isn’t faithful to me….my fault too.
Im a christian. I am choosing to wait for marriage. I have been told multiple times by my father and my pastor that the worst and funniest sex is going to be on my wedding night. I do not expect it to be perfect. Its something that you learn about together and improve at over time. thats the beauty of waiting. also as a little side note, my dad has always told me that sex begins in the kitchen, not the bedroom.
I have a hypersensitivity to touch. I have always had it. So it is hard for me to tolerate a soft touch. I need a harder touch. For example I hate caresses that are light, I don't mind a more firm caress. It took time for my husband to work with me on what is tolerable for me. It was difficult for him to understand at first, however we worked through it. This is just a thought not necessarily related to her situation.
She needs to divorce her husband.
Sex is a priority and necessary part of a relationship for some and not a requirement for others. Sexual compatibility is a big factor for me and I will be patient and teach my partner but that is like top5 for me at least. I will break up with someone if we are not compatible in that way. These should be convos prior to marriage as that should be a lifetime commitment.
💯 truth .. society doesn't explain that sexuality compatibility is the most important thing in a relationship above all else.
@@davidjonburke2729 define sexual compatibility
@@TheBusttheboss well it's obvious that we're all different sexually, some like it more than others, some individuals require a little extra stimulation like sexual fetishes, BDSM play, groups, and so on.
This sounds a lot like my marriage. “Saved myself” for marriage, only to be criticized constantly for 10 years. Divorcing him 8 years ago was the best thing I ever did for myself. It’s just never enough for some people.
Do you desire to be remarried? Do you have kids? Do you enjoy intimacy now? What’s you picture for a family in the future?
@@xclusive40I don’t think she got this option
im sure she belongs to the streets nowadays.@@xclusive40
It's woman like you why men's mental health has declined in recent years. I hope I never meet someone like you to give me false promises of a future life.
@@AlbertisFamilywhy not?
On both sides, just know this, if you don't like or want to do it with your spouse, someone else is and will
Sounds like she doesn’t like being with her husband. Pack a bag and find somebody else that treats you better.
So it's ok to divorce her husband? This is the stupid female mentality thsts killing marriages . This js why alot of women will be buying a dog and dying alone
@@scaldon2 I’m happier married. But I grew up watching my mother being treated badly by men. If you never lived through it then I don’t expect you to get it. It’s not feminism attitude or being single with a dog. My family lost years of our lives we’ll never get back. If you’re not happy in your marriage you shouldn’t feel forced to stay. There are a lot of good men out there. And she’s young.
She needs time alone first, to figure out how to be her full self in a relationship and not end up with another version of her father.
NO, she needs to leave men the hell alone. No man deserves to have her in their lives.
Yes, that’s what he should do.
From a personal experience-sex drive diminishes when you gain weight, at least in my body. Also some medications tend to diminish sex drive, so it could be a side effect. Maybe she is not too overweight but out of shape. Also maybe she takes it as a chore all together rather then telling her partner that she wants more foreplay and a romantic setting, like a romantic massage with candles with lots of touch first, maybe take a bath together with lots of bubbles. It also been proven that female desire is cultivated during the whole day, so plan a date and your husband should focus on tending to you throughout all day, like giving a compliment, fulfilling your love language, touching, holding hands, talking, and culmination in the evening. Some women have sexual blockages due to sexual trauma.
I can’t believe how much this hit home
The problem is that women can list anything they want to as “abuse”. Him telling her they’re not spending $12k on bags could be labeled as abuse. A man telling her she needs to get her emotions in check can be labeled as abuse. I’ve seen these things first-hand. You need to get real life examples from her life. Have the husband give his point of view. People here are making wild accusations against this husband without knowing hardly any information at all.