Woman need to be more of an open book with their husband's. Does he know you think he is a jerk? Sone woman isolate themselves with excuses.. not say that's true in this case, just throwing it out there
@@paulklahn7705it goes both ways for men and women. My ex wife was a total jerk to me all the time, belittling me and emasculated me. Then had the nerve to say I am not affectionate. I am extremely affection with my current girlfriend, the problem wasn't me. My ex just didn't deserve my affection.
Foreplay begins outside the bedroom. There are so many reasons women struggle with sex drive, but being unhappy outside the bedroom is the biggest reason.
@@antmanselectorbecause the husband isn’t a caring partner. What have you done today to make her smile, laugh, and want to be intimate with you? Have you been crabby, critical, ignoring her, not looking at her-just glancing instead, hugged her, pretended to listen when she talks but not really hearing her, whispered something loving but not sexual in her ear as you pass by her, held her hand, kissed her just for kissing’s sake like you used to do without copping a feel, caressed her cheek, winked at her, made her laugh. Yep, she probably hasn’t done those things in a while either. But women NEED these things to even want to have sex. Men just need 10 minutes and some privacy. Even when you’re mad or sad or sick or whatever, you’re ready and willing to get it on. Women CANNOT. So be the hero and start doing those sweet, tender things again you used to do and stop being irritable and sulky. Be nice. Be fun to be with. NO PORN, STRIP CLUBS, etc. It will warm things up again. Also, if she’s had kids, GET HER HORMONES FULLY CHECKED BY A SPECIALIST. There is no Viagra to help us, but getting our 300 hormones back in balance can restore some libido. Men only have about 30 hormones to regulate and don’t deal with pregnancy upheaval and postpartum chaos. Exhaustion kills our libido too, and what mother isn’t mentally/ physically perpetually exhausted? Depression kills libido. Meds for depression kill libido. It’s truly not easy being female. So give her all the sweet little things you did in the beginning, tell her you support her as she finds a good specialist, tell her sex next time can be giving her a body massage and you’ll finish yourself off so she doesn’t feel like she HAS to perform sometimes (but don’t be surprised if she relaxes so much she turns it into full intercourse-just don’t expect/hope for that). These are the things that have helped me and many friends get back to a better relationship. As our husbands did these sweet things, we started melting again and wanted to give more instead of just feeling like a maid and a used body. Hope this helps. Just remember, it took a while to get into a less-than-happy state and it will take time, consistency, and patience to make your ways out of it to a better one. But it’s sooo worth it. Or you can keep doing the same old, same old and stay in the same old unhappy state blaming the other one for it all. God put joints in our finger so we could turn it back toward ourselves to see what we’ve done/or not done to drive this marriage/relationship into the ditch and totaled it. Time to pull it out and rebuild it or start anew from scratch. Good luck!
a lot of times people seek what feels familiar unconsciously. this leads to relationships mimicking how they felt in their childhood. as horrible as sometimes that can be, this can be some of the most healing and transformative relationships (as long as theirs no serious abuse going on and both parties are open minded and willing to change). in these relationships, we can give each what we needed in our childhood. it’s a chance to heal what we never got to heal in the parent - child relationship. the book “getting the love you want” speaks all about this
So they could have sex! I would never marry someone without sleeping with them first. If he's abusive leave him. But if I was him and 15 months in she doesn't want sex I would leave her before they had children.
A lot of abusers are charming before the marriage. Then afterwards it slowly trinkles in. Leaving isn’t always easy. That’s the most dangerous time to leave.
Yup. I wish Deloney understood more about women's hormones. Someone in stress drops their sexual hormones. Every.time. so telling her to get checked is ...🤷♀️. Add to that women's hormones change about every 90 seconds so unless she does a DUTCH test, only a thyroid panel is likely to show much of anything.
Some random dude I worked with once said the wisest thing to me- Good sex can keep two people together who don’t really like each other, but bad sex can drive two people who love each other apart.
@@reggiejenkins6458 In the real world. Most married people will tell you that once the relationship goes sour, the interest in sex disappears. You have to be extremely emotionally detached to want to have sex with someone you dislike.
@@GizmoMaltese Then I'm guessing you've never had sex good enough to keep doing with someone you don't like. Attraction and emotion are different. And if they're attractive and they're that good in bed. You don't have to like them as a person. Now if they're a deplorable human being than maybe great sex alone isn't enough.
I know multiple couples, including my husband and I, who have done natural family planning and had kids exactly when we wanted to. Even if there is an unexpected pregnancy it sure beats the 20-30 couples I know who the lady has been on birth control for 5-15 years and then deal with infertility. Babies are a blessing! Infertility is pure heartbreak.
It doesn’t make sense to shame girls/women for sexual feelings for 18+ years and expect them not to have any issues/blocks around it once they’re married.
I’m sorry. Are all of you talking about the 1950s? Our society is the exact opposite now. There is so much sexual stimulation that it’s an overload. Do anyone pay attention anymore?
@@Nasty_Zappait’s a strange mix of over sexualization online and purity culture for the everyday person. Either way women are objectified and told what they ought to do
Yeah i think she might even be physically abused but in a way that feels borderline and making her question if shes actually truly abused or not. Like he could possibly grab her or corner her and push his face into her face as an intimidation tactic. He's probably not full on smacking her around but it just feels like there is something more.
@@amykecskes7356 currently going through this, here's the kicker, we've been divorced for 2 almost 3 years now, I fell on hard times and and literally had nowhere to go with my children. So we came here.. it has been a living nightmare 😔. We're not even together and he punishes me because I won't have sex with him!
A few questions: 1. Is he in good shape? 2. Is she in good shape? 3. Do they get along? 4. Are there new stressors in life? 5. Do they talk to each other throughout the day? 6. Do they touch each other non sexually throughout the day. 7. Are they eating or sleeping right? 8. Is either one addicted to porn?
Great questions!!! I’ll add as an Eastern practitioner: 1) how are your hormones & adrenals? 2) do you feel shame? 3) do you feel safe & equal in your relationship 4) would it be same with everyone or is something your partner doing 5) is your religious beliefs about your body / shame / or spirit around this affecting your ability to just LET GO & connect with your husband 6) do you and your husband have non intercourse intimacy & connection outside of sex? 7) do you have a healthy connection 8) does flirtation feel good or is pressure taking it away outside of relationship 9) do you truly love him or did you marry him because it’s what you should do 10) are you guys still connected connected heart to heart week to week or?
Dr. John I feel like I am the maid , the cook , the babysitter ,he keeps all of his thoughts to himself and never has conversations with me and he won't miss his Friday night poker game with the guys .We have been married for 45 years he either can't remember or can't hear anything I say to him( selective hearing ) he watches his programs ,I watch mine . He doesn't ask my opinion about anything .He just always does what he wants and frankly I don't feel like being his sex toy. ( we are two in shape attractive people )
This, I hope, has been eye opening for me. My wife and I have been struggling for months and this is the first time I have sat back and said “am I the asshole” in regards to my attitude and behavior. Thank you.
I highly recommend the books - Come As You Are and How to Improve Your Marriage Witohut Talking. Even if my marriage still ended, I definitely got a better understanding of what ways I was helping and harming my marriage, what to work on, and also how libido and desire can be different for different people. Also, therapy! Good luck!
My hats off to you for admitting this hun! It takes a level of emotional maturity to see this in oneself. Self awareness is really 🔑 🗝 key! Half of the work toward the solution has already been done. Now you get to decide what you're going to do differently or improve, how you're going to apologize and how you'll attempt to make repairs. ❤ You're already well on your way though. Praying your wife is open & sees your heart.
I have adhd. My fiance has autism. We regularly mess up on communication, or misread each other, but we will ALWAYS talk it out, figure it out, and our mutual respect and love for each other takes precendence over anything else. Neither of us would ever "excuse" neglecting the other, it is never acceptable
The fact that you are both neurodivergent is a benefit in that you don’t get bogged down with mind-games. You are more “wired” to just state the obvious. It’s a freedom 😊
I have ADD and I’m pretty sure my husband is on autistic spectrum. His communication is poor, very little conversation (one word answers) he is very sensitive to noise, he doesn’t know experience emotions like me, he is defensive if confronted with something he finds uncomfortable or doesn’t talk about it. 😢
Doesn’t sound like a happy marriage . The husband feels unwanted and gets no physical intimacy and the wife feels nit picked and mentally abused. Sounds pretty much done
@@loveubye2288 because you have to be adults and figure out how to make the marriage work. You can’t walk out on your partner when a problem comes up. You figure it out and that way you stay together and grow together as a family. Marriage ain’t dating, it’s a commitment.
Some of these calls really need to have both parties on the line, because she either willingly married someone who seems to have no redeeming qualities, or there are details that are being deliberately left out, and either way I feel like advice is being given based on a narrative instead of reality.
100% agree The caller gives a partial story/their side of the story, but John's giving all this generic advice that could severely impact people's lives. It's quite scary tbh.
I agree. It would be good for counselors to ask some questions to get a basic knowledge of her self esteem. Because if she feels ashamed or unhappy with who she is, intimacy will be even more challenging. Especially since the husband is not balancing his criticism with affirmation, acceptance, and nurturing.
Agreed. She said it, he wants sex and she doesn't. So it's unfair to him for her to remain in a marriage where he has to beg for sex. He's probably nitpicking on her bc he's frustrated of not getting sex in the marriage. Not saying he should do that, but it's probably one of the symptoms of him not getting sex. They're clearly not compatible. She needs to let him go be with someone who'll give him sex and she needs to go be by herself or be with someone who doesn't want sex like her. If she married him knowing she's not going to give him sex, then she needs to let this man go. It's unfair to him. For most men, sex is very important, if she can't provide that, she needs to let him go. I bet she'll have a problem if her husband can't financially provide in the marriage.
@@terriesmith2616 she was a virgin before marriage so she didn’t anticipate not having sex with him. Also…her physiological response to his emotional neglect is something that she Also didn’t anticipate because again… she probably didn’t know her body sexually until after marriage. Some women, cannot get “hot and ready” off of a few kisses… she has to feel fully safe! And she doesn’t. Compatibility isn’t always going to exist because ppl grow and change through seasons, individually. They need the tools, understanding and will to fix the issues they’re facing.
I don’t think this is talked about enough. It’s hard when you don’t desire sex to have a lasting relationship. That can be from traumatic events, medical reasons, or just losing the spark and we don’t talk about it enough.
Sex is only 10% of a relationship but it’s the first 10%. Woman fantasize this perfect build up to sex and put sex last and this is the outcome every time. The playfulness and connection goes cold. You can tell a female this till you’re blue in the face and she still won’t believe it. She places ALL the feels she has on her husband to change when it’s her responsibility to control her mood and feels. Unfortunately wedding cake is usually a guys quickest way to have a female go cold on him. This has played out for decades.
I understand religious reasons but sex is such a vital part of a marriage. I couldn’t imagine marrying someone that you don’t have a deep sexual connection with
where does a deep sexual connection come from? Not talking about lust or passion which inevitably fades after a few years. I’m talking about a true connection.
iv read in the Bible that both sex and abstinence require consent and its sinful to engage in either without consent. its true and makes sense cause if you look at happy long lasting marriage those partners are sexually active, partners who don’t have sex have problems like this one. she needs to work on dropping her walls cause marriage comes with commitments that if your not willing to uphold then your better off alone but is rewarding if you are willing to uphold them. the bible is objectively true.
Our body remembers what our mind tries to forget - I remember this line from a novel I once read. Women’s bodies are so vulnerable especially even during intimacy. This could definitly be why she doesn’t feel like having sex.
I honestly believe that another depression will get women’s attitudes and libidos back into check. You modern American women have turned into the most ungrateful and selfish beasts
You can have PTSD responses to trauma your mind doesn't even remember happened. My husband has mental health issues - severe depression, OCD, anxiety, and ADHD - he is the sweetest, most considerate, loving man I have ever known and an incredible father.
Ask anesthesiologists. That all comes out when you go under anesthesia. It can mean your body not talking to it. It can be your body needing more of a certain knockout drug.
I don’t understand when a person who does not want to have sex expects another person who is not asexual to stay married to them. I don’t think its fair to expect the other party to be celibate. If you are not sexually compatible, you aren’t compatible.
I agree, that's why I'm not a big fan of staying a virgin before marriage. It's a risk that could turn out badly for one or both people. Some people have been lucky and were virgins before marriage with no problems afterwards, good for them. But some couples end up like this, with big sexual incompatibilities that can or can't be solved.
@@yellowsnowman9157 They didn't say have sex with random people. There's a happy medium between remaining celibate until marriage and going around hooking up as much as possible. I'm currently single and don't do the hook up culture thing, but if I'm in a committed relationship with someone who I've developed strong feelings for I don't see why we shouldn't sleep together if we both want to. I've had several relationships end or get cut off early because we realized we weren't compatible when it comes to physical intimacy, I'm glad to have known that early on rather than get married and find out when it would take legal action to separate lol. I understand a lot of people stay celibate until marriage for religious reasons and there's not much to do about that, but I'm not religious.
@@SomeBody-ce3gqmy husband and I had sex before marriage and it’s caused nothing but problems for us. Wish we both would have waited. Besides that every time you have sex with someone you’re giving a part of yourself away, you’re risking STD and unwanted pregnancies. Nothing good comes from sleeping around.
1) The downside to the natural family planning is you don't have sex when your drive is highest --ovulation. 2) It's hard to desire someone who is making you feel bad. And it's hard for someone to be nice to you if you are pushing them away. 3) They need to actually be willing to learn about sex with each other.
I want sex more when I'm away from my bf but unfortunately I suddenly (sometimes) lose interest when I know that it's time to actually do the deed 😔 It's a mental block in my brain
@Hulda's Journey • We still live with our parents ATM. We're looking for a place now tho! Hopefully when we have our own space we can experiment more as I feel like we're both still getting used to it
Wow ! You’re so insightful! Love the part where you talk about someone stewing and putting off negative energy. But then acting like you’re crazy for thinking they’re mad about something. Super annoying! Glad to see that someone mentioned this aspect. Thank you 😊
She needs to talk to a non-traditional doctor who will listen too. I was told endless times I was “too young” to need my hormones checked. At 30 I finally got the test and I had the hormones of a 65 year old woman.
What hormones did you get tested? I had plenty of basic blood tests and thyroid hormones but that's about it. I don't even know which hormones to suggest to add.
@@etf42 Yes, 20 years ago. I spent the last decade before going off birth control on the Merina iud. That iud caused me many problems. When I got my hormones checked I wasn’t on anything anymore.
My wife said that she simply didn't really desire sex anymore when we were in counseling about 8 years ago. Almost cost us our marriage, but a combination of communication and the fact that I started getting attention from other women (I got into very good shape as a consequence of my passion for triathlons) seemed to change that quite a bit. I have _never_ been unfaithful to my wife, but whatever she picked up on certainly rekindled her physical desire for me, and it's been a very good 5 years. I had so many feelings of guilt for having a higher libido than she did, feeling like I was badgering her and getting moody when it was mostly frustration and constant fear of rejection. It's hard on men _and_ women in different ways, and I have a lot of sympathy for people going though intimacy issues.
I myself have a high libido but wife has no desire....I think I use work as an escape to the rejection.. Why sit at home and be rejected if I can make a few extra dollars, and have no bills...
Sir. No offense, but you are very confused. You got into very good shape? It wasn't the other women. Your wife became attracted to your improved body. Women want something to nice to look at as well. I think this girl has the same issue. I hate that he didn't ask her if she finds her husband attractive. It doesn't sound like she does....Glad things are going well for you!
@@CableGuy74 So genuinely sorry to hear that man! I hope you can work things out but I know how hard that can be; just know that it's not something that is unfixable. Wishing you the best.
I’m 28 and have recently been feeling like this. But it’s not really that I don’t “like” sex… it’s just difficult to continue wanting it when your partner is bad at it or very selfish sexually. My needs are never met even if I’ve reached the point of begging for change.. At this point , I feel bad bringing anything up anymore because I don’t want to make him feel like he’s not good enough but at the same time. He makes me feel that way when he leaves me hanging 100% of the time. It makes me so sad …
Please communicate with him and be very concise with what you need. Most men have been taught about sex through an incorrect understanding of themselves and female body. If you want to be with him and still get your needs met his ego has go out the window. It happens to everyone whose in a truth long lasting relationship. You have to TEACH your spouse how to properly satisfy you. Men like to be praised. Use words/sounds to tell him when does something right and when does something wrong. If he's early finisher then tell him to look up "edging" it will help with endurance. Switch positions. Have him to try to please you first before he can about doing anything to you. You gotta talk it out though. As a man whose in a committed long-term relationship, I've dealt with this and our sex lives now is mutual beneficial and she's just excited as me about it. I hope this helps, we need to keep our families together.
Communicate, communicate, communicate and do so directly without shame. Unless you’re with a total selfish dunce, most every man wants his wife in ecstasy with him, and most every man needs to be told how to do it.
Unfortunately, I’ve been trying to communicate my feelings and my needs and wants for 7 years.. It feels like an eternity because it falls on deaf ears. I really think he just doesn’t care to change anything because I can’t fathom being told these things and just not understanding? I’ve tried everything I could think of in regards to communication about our sexual relationship. I feel I’ve been patient and have intentionally maintained kindness when bringing these things up because I care about how he feels at the end of our conversations. But I don’t know, just nothing… Now I’m in a place where , I desperately want release and the frustration i feel even in my chest just makes me cry.. I dont know what to do.. I don’t want to separate but I just hate thinking that this will be my life :( I am a very sexual person and I feel like I’m going to loose that side of me because I have no one to share it with
If I was communicating my sexual needs to a partner and they were ignoring them I would leave. I am a very giving person in the bedroom and I expect the same in return.
@@bekind2416 be direct and tell him either he meets your needs or another man will. Unfortunately with some guys you have to be that blunt for them to get it. His answer to that will tell you what you need to do moving forward.
Foreplay starts from the moment we open our eyes in the morning. If your wife doesn’t enjoy sleeping with you, step one is think about how you treat her day in and day out.
Most women are dryer than the Sahara Desert if the guy is too nice. You need to be assertive and lead in order for her to be sexually attracted to him. And some toxic women are sexually attracted to douche bag losers who beat women
According to whom? The wife? The one who constantly rejects any intimacy with him and basically lied to him before they got married? * Because I'll tell you this.... if there is ONE THING guys are super interested in it is SEEEEEEX. And if she led him on in any way, shape, or form to believe that there WOULD be sex, then she SLAMMED THE DOOR on him the minute he said, "I do", that is cruelty in the barest form. * Boy yeah... no reason at all that he's feeling a bit... off. * When you commit, you commit. "To have and to hold... forsaking all others." That's the marriage vow. To simply say, "Well gee, I don't feel like sex at all, ever...." That is selfishness and meanness. * Imagine if it were the other way: he led her to believe he would provide and care for her, then when they said, "I do" he decided to play video games all day and live off welfare in a dump?
Guys start acting like jerks when the wife stops initiating/wanting sex. You would be pissed too of you only sexual outlet just turned off the tap. Men still have to be the provider protector and rock of the family, yet the woman can just stop her end of the deal and think everything should be fine because she feels sex is not important.
I cannot relate. I was a virgin before I was married. But I was lucky that my family had a sex positive attitude. My grandma/mother said openly that sex was fun (inside marriage). That it was powerful and beautiful funny and normal and fun. It was meant to be for marriage but it wasn’t shameful and bad. I was raised very religious and I am still very religious. And I really love my relationship with my husband physically and it has only gotten better over our 15years. I’m so sorry for the women who hate sex because it’s great.
I’m Catholic and my Catholic family had a similar attitude towards sex. Among my Catholic friends, sex is seen as an absolute must for marriage quality. And not the “act” of sex alone, but the intimacy and the enjoyment of it. I strayed and (sadly) was not a virgin before marriage, and my husband is not Catholic. I think our intimate life would be better if we both saw sex as my Catholic friends do.
It good thing your family was so sex positive ,and it's rare it see that I most anywhere,and especially in Christian family most are taught it's a sin or it's something for their husband . And for most all they get from the church is rhetoric and bad teaching , about abstaining,and it's a sin from their early years to teens to young adults or they heard nothing at all .
Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors, what they tell you and what may be happening are two different things, I'm sure there's plenty of Catholics that have bad sex lives. You need to stop comparing your life to others and try to improve your life with your husband and your sex life.
@@sitka49 but you sound like someone who gets their ideas about Christianity and married sex from either a 1956 parochial school... or from tv. None of what you said is typical in Christianity. At least not for decades.
This was the biggest issue I had whilst on hormonal birth control. I felt like there was something wrong with me. A month or so off the pill and everything changed - much to my husband's delight.
Oddly, my libido dramatically increased when I got on BC and remained high ever since. I saw one study that claimed 20% of women have a decrease in libido, whereas 10% had an increase. The effects seem to depend on the types of hormones used, the dosages, and any pre-existing diseases like PCOS.
@@sbunnies8204 I think for a lot of women that may be the case but I genuinely dont have problems with it? It didnt mess w my libido and it fixed a lot of my skin issues as well as mental health. Like I used to have horrible anxiety and it helped me so much. I mentioned it to my therapist and she said that can happen bc of the effect on your hormones. It really helped me.
That’s very true. When you don’t feel safe with him, your body starts saying no. If he doesn’t make you feel loved, respected, and safe, your body with shut him down.
I hated sex as well when I got married at 22. It felt like a chore. He even put me on hormone pills and NOTHING helped. It was HIM. He was controlling, manipulative, mentally abusive. It plummeted my drive to zero. He told me I have no reason to feel how I feel and if I “listen to him”, things would be much better. I was happily divorced by 25 and didn’t have sex for years because I felt like my body was FINALLY MINE. I only recently started to actually enjoy sex.
This caller 1,000% me! Tough female thinking I can handle stuff and wouldn't just "let" my husband be emotionally abusive. We didn't yell or curse at each other but words were strong. He also had a porn problem. It got to me no matter how tough I thought I was. We're divorced now. I hope this caller and her husband are at a better place.
@@TLPWRlifter for him not to be emotionally abusive so she would want to have sex with him? And also, a lot of men already have porn problems before getting married and that hurts a lot a couple even if men want to keep believing it doesn’t. Sex is not like porn in real life.
@@anamaullyherrera6380 People always give the most charitable perspective on themselves and her comment clearly said there were mutual arguments. I think my point still stands. With that being said I do agree porn is corrosive but when you have a wife that doesn't have sex with you it's either that or cheating. I don't think you guys realize how critical sex is to men. It's truly a need with a capital N. People should have the same sympathy for men not getting sex while in a marriage as they have for women who don't feel like sleeping with the man because her needs aren't met. The vast majority of everything men do is to attain sex. We build ourselves up, get in shape, make money, learn how to talk to women, become confident, achieve greatness, etc. all of that primarily to obtain sex. Now imagine doing all of that, committing to one woman and being punished by having sex withheld while in a committed relationship. I'm not saying I don't have sympathy for a woman not feeling it because she doesn't feel like her needs are met. But what I am saying is that withholding it will likely exacerbate every existing issue and lead to the dissolution of the marriage.
@TLPWRlifter Ummm....I didn't say I didn't sleep with him. Not sure about caller, but I wasn't withholding.😅 I can laugh now that I have passed all of the trauma, and I'm truly happy now. But in my case, my husband married me bringing in a porn addiction. I didn't know how bad it was until later after we married and I caught him. Sir, if you're struggling in that area....it's a death trap to your emotions, intimacy, and compassion to understand another person. Those types of quickies are self destructive....every single time. If you have a wife, talk to her truthfully and get help. If you aren't with someone yet and want a wife one day, get help now. Don't drag that invisible beast into your marriage. It will kill it and damage her and you.
The body needs emotional and physical safety in order to experience arousal. What I’m hearing is that her husband is mean to her. That is not an environment where desire can thrive. She is asking what’s wrong with her. Probably nothing. Her body just doesn’t like the emotional abuse. Please find someone who is kind. He’s not going to change. The sooner you accept this, the less time you’ll waste. The good news is that the world is full of wonderful, kind people. ❤
@angelic welll, which came first? The chicken or the egg? Was he mean to her First? Or is he mean to her after time after time she will not have sex with him? hmmm. If it's the latter, you really can't blame him. (well, he shouldnt be mean, but I can certainly understand really frustrated.)
@@girlygirl1890she was a virgin when she married, zero chance he openly discussed his needs or desires, most people don’t. And she didn’t know what to expect or even what her needs and desires are because she was a virgin!!! If he is mean because he isn’t getting what he wants that’s abuse. He should be willing to go to any lengths to help their relationship, that includes a sex therapist if need be. Not all females are 304s before trapping a man in marriage. Some, like this gal are virgins, very very rare, like unicorn rare. Way more desirable than some 304.
@@michellesimmons3150 You are absolutely correct. Silly me...I don't know HOW I missed the fact that she was a virgin during that call. But I did. I didn't even hear that part, somehow. But anyhow, yes, since she was a virgin, then she wouldn't have known. On the other hand though, I think, to be fair to him, either work on the issue seriously to see if something can be done to meet BOTH peoples needs, or let him go because that's still not fair to him. He did not sign up for that. Blessings.
It’s situational, I’ve literally tested this and have gotten opposite results you stated. I’ve tried being nice and caring and basically being mister nice guy to my girl and sex is far and few between. Then I’ve turned into an ass hole and been distant and give her no attention and she clams to please me in the bedroom. Toxic I know, really not how I want to be but it gets results in the bedroom. You woman can’t be figured out. You say one thing then immediately turn around and do another thing alot of times completely opposite of what you say you want. Woman can get out of your own way most of the time. 🤷🏼♂️
@@mxusa8383 There is a middle ground here Girls don't go for the nice guys. Nice guys let girls lead them, and what girl wants to be the leader? Going for the jerk is overreaction, at least the guy is confident and can take care of himself! And yet, we know it's wrong So what's the middle ground? A saint with balls. Think Nehemiah, peter, or mufasa from the lion king
That was the EXACT situation with my ex. Praise God I’m finally living with a safe family (not by blood), and that I’m unlearning that stuff. Talking to a handsome guy right now, whom FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I have felt **safe** being myself around him. No rush to commitment and no real offense if I am not making him happy. Being myself was not enough for my father and ex. It is LIBERATING!! We’re not married, and he’s treating it that way! My ex had “marriage expectations” without the ring
@@aprilwashington3150OMG!! This too! I met my ex’s mother, and she was like me in a lot of ways. His respect for her was all over the place. That’s how it felt with me. One day I’m beautiful and kind, and then the next day I am not “conventionally attractive” and I’m somehow manipulative and a hypocrite?? 😵💫 One day, he admires his mom. The next day, he saw her as a child. I’ll try not to go too much into, since this is the internet and it’s not their business 😂
If you expect to have a functioning household there are standards that have to be met. Telling someone that they need to pick up more slack or need to look or behave a certain way isn’t abuse.
My husband was a complete, 100% a**hole. He disgusted me, hence I hated being intimate with him. I finally divorced the abusive narcissist. Best decision I have ever made in my life.
Now you live an adultress life style, and whoever you are with will be an adulterer. Sad really. Divorce should never be an option. Problem in society in 2024.
@@barrylastname8793 I wouldn’t say it should never be an option but it seems like women in mass never take responsibility for their part. They paint this picture that all their actions, words, and behaviors during the marriage were all above board and it was the man who created and made all the mistakes.
I love that he mentions to get her hormones checked. So many people don’t even consider that. But I also love that he addresses that she doesn’t feel safe with him. Feeling safe is so important for literally every part of your life
If your husband treats you one way when you’re dating and then treat you differently. Once you’re married he shouldn’t be surprised if you’re emotional and physical response to him also changes.
Women should also look at the way their partners treat other people before getting married. If he's a jerk to others, but sweet to her, he could easily become a jerk to her once they are married.
@@MeAVE243right! I noticed my fiancé being really rude and weird to others. Not gonna keep him in my life anymore. He turned on me slowly too and I know if we’d actually yet married he’d get worse
For lots of women, they need intimacy in the way of affection, laughing, talking, caring for one another before making love. And within a marriage, one would hope it was indeed “making love” for the most part. (I know sometimes you just “do it” 😂) So much discussion on here is about “having sex”, and basically the physical aspect and how men would get a divorce if not getting sex a few times a week or whatever. What about creating a deeper bond first and allowing the love making to come from that space? Because otherwise it can be just like mutual masturbation. Not that that is “bad”. But not deeply fulfilling. Deeply fulfilling and connected sex=the ultimate!
It's not even like mututal masturbation, it's just one partner using the other to get off (in the case of one partner wanting it and the other doing it out of duty). And I am honestly surprised by the number of men saying their women need to provide it like it's a chore to be done. I can't imagine slweping with someone that would rather not sleep with me if given the free choice.
@@lolasonne1772 Yeah, it`s disturbing to hear that these men think it`s a chore their wife has to do. First of all: That`s rape. Second: They seem not to be aware that women actually enjoy sex when they are not with a selfish, forcing asshole of a man.
Things for this woman to consider: >Responsive vs spontaneous arousal >A woman's natural diffuse awareness- environment needs to be appealing to the senses. >The TYPE of sex is likley very masculine energy driven and for women, over time it's not sustainable. There's other ways. Other pleasure pathways. Other approaches to sex. >The female anatomy and journey of arousal is very different to the male approach. The feminine requires time and a lot of it. >Empowered and Conscious Communication is key >Psycho-emotional-sexual connection is important. Women need to feel emotionally safe and mentally stimulated by someone in order to feel turned on by them. >Tantra and somatic body work are amazing. >starting with yourself,your own sexual healing, awakening and empowerment first. >Both people need to put the effort and work in to creating amazing sex-lives. It cannot be all on ONE person to do the work. >Diet and life style. Nourish your body, mind and being. ♡
I think we need to be real careful on what we label as abuse…sometimes a difficult but necessary conversation needs to happen and if someone doesn’t like it…that shouldn’t be labeled as abuse…
I learned to despise sex with my ex however He was coercive , pressuring and refused to listen to what I want and if he did something I didn’t like I’d tell him and he would blow up and say I don’t like anything and leave the room. So yea I didn’t want it. We really need to have both people in this conversation to form an opinion
My ex talked a good game. Insanely romantic and invested, but he wouldn't take a damn shower. There came a moment when I was really trying. I came into the room and he lifted the cover with a "come hither" look. The smell almost knocked me over. I slumped to the floor and cried. This is one of many reasons most people don't know what went wrong.
@@pixel9548 I would grab a bucket of soapy water and throw it at him😂😂 But the truth is sometimes there's a spirit attach to him that's dirty like lustful spirit reason he likes to be dirty.
The problem is that women can list anything they want to as “abuse”. Him telling her they’re not spending $12k on bags could be labeled as abuse. A man telling her she needs to get her emotions in check can be labeled as abuse. I’ve seen these things first-hand. You need to get real life examples from her life. Have the husband give his point of view. People here are making wild accusations against this husband without knowing hardly any information at all.
Those things depend on context. $12k on a purse is unreasonable, however if she earns enough money to pay for it and pay all her billls/portion of the bills and not putting them at risk for debt then she should be able to purchase it if she wants and him telling her ‘no’, can be abusive if he’s dictating what she’s buying. If they’re struggling or she has an issue with money where there’s no real back up financial support to buy it, then no it’s not abusive, it’s a concerned partner voicing an opinion. A man telling a woman to ‘get her emotions in check.’ Well that’s a big one, and no matter how you swing that if that exact phrase is said it’s not positive. It shouldn’t be said like that ever because it is in fact verbally abusive. In this context if she’s saying that what he’s doing is making her feel unsafe and that she needs to defend herself around him and it’s killing her emotionally and her physical connection with him AND she’s hesitant to admit that that’s what it is, then it’s probably it. There’s no real other reason why you shouldn’t feel safe or emotionally trust your partner.
As a woman I was stuck in a sexless marriage it happens to women as well. So glad I left! It’s misery. My husband was just like hers and controlled intimacy and weaponized it. I hope she able to figure this out she’s in a though place.
@@heroldjaras9909 it does happen to a lotta women too, their husbands get disinterested in sex and would rather spend their free time gaming or lounging. Some men have low libido too.
I feel this girl. Everything she said, I have experienced. Especially once having kids. And it took awhile for it to get good and fun and all that it should be. Its so difficult for some of us to enjoy it, and its hard to be vulnerable and communicate and figure out what you like and your partner likes and getting comfortable with that situation and being able to let go. And I have serious hormonal regulation issues. So great advice from John on getting checked out. I wish I had done that in my 20s. It would have made things so much easier.
We don’t wait long enough to get married. I’ve been divorced twice. I didn’t wait. I didn’t ask the right questions. I ignored bad behavior. Ignored my own demons. Of course it didn’t work.
@@koop2.1.5 This is such a stupid demon invested response and makes me want to wish that everything you do will give you inexplicable pain and grief until you grow up. You are disgusting and unkind and must be really smelly in real life. Eeeekkk 🤮🤮🤮 common denominator is you and your demonic spirit of unkindness. Terrible person!
My husband is the best. He does everything for our family. I’m a stay at home mom and he still helps around the house and with the kids as much as he can. I struggle with finding the desire to have sex because our sex life was incredible before having kids. I am still struggling with postpartum depression and also breastfeeding so I get touched out a lot. Hopefully it’ll go back to what it once was!
This is very relatable. I am also a stay at home mom with a wonderful husband. When I am pregnant my drive is through the roof, then baby is born and BOOM I feel like I could go months and not care (obviously I don’t put him through that). I breastfeed over a year each time and always look forward to when I stop breast-feeding so I can get my libido back. Sure enough a year passes after stopping breastfeeding each time and I feel no different. Seems to be getting worse as I get older. I am pregnant with baby number 4 and here I am with a strong sex drive and just telling my husband let’s embrace it as much as we can before it’s over 😭😭 I love him so much it makes me devastated that I will have to try my best to make him think I want it when he knows me better and knows my drive comes to a halt.
If I was an attorney, I would be saying, leading the witness all day long. Very little information outside of the fact that she said he was “nitpicky”, and then led her to say he is “abusive”. Come on dr John, you need a lot better evidence to jump to conclusions of being abusive.
yeahhh but you’re not an attorney and you’re not a psychologist or counselor…. he has a literal doctorate in figuring out what people aren’t saying, what’s they’re really thinking, what they need. is he perfect, no. but calling it leading is bullshit. look at any of his calls with the abuser in the situation… he hardly holds them accountable at all.
This was such an excellent response by Dr. John - a completely antithetical approach to the advice given to a husband in a different video (the one where he tells the husband that 'your wife doesn't give a crap about you' based on similar couple dynamics).
One thing to mention - going years without sex within marriage creates the very dynamic with behavior that simply puts gasoline on the fire that feeds disconnection. When you reject, avoid and neglect your partner for WHATEVER reason you have in your head - you are destabilizing your relationship, little by little. I spent years (almost 15) not getting communication or any kind of feedback on why my spouse simply went away. It frustrates you, makes you angry, bitter and resentful - it only serves to further make problems in your marriage and eats away at you without even the closure of why..... You finally reach a breaking point and either give up, or fight it out, or leave.
She hasn't had sex long enough to know about having sex. I was a Virgin when I met my husband and I didn't really like sex, but after many years and a positive change in his behavior, I wanted to have it, and would find myself thinking about it a lot.
Communication and mutual respect is so important. Sharing intimacy in marriage takes great care for one another to make it rewarding. Trust is a critical element to intimacy.
The question is rarely asked: Why do a lot of men have the same problem??? It’s not just one sided as is constantly stated in many videos. Ask the man of the extreme frustration of no sex and maybe the reaction is not good but there’s no good remedy to lack of frustration and the problem relating to that. I’m not saying men are not wrong but women need to put their hand up and take their responsibility for some of the problems.
I can be a nitpicky person and when our marriage was In earlier stages It did impact our sex life some....letting some things not bother me and being less of a nitpicking person has definitely helped sex life with wife.....married 12 years now. Some guys have to learn this about marriage. Guys are always in mood for sex usually...but women won't get in mood if relationship is having a bunch of turbulence generally.
I totally understand. I am on Blood Pressure meds and meds for depression, which makes it impossible. I know that this needs to change for my husbands sake and the sake of our marriage. I know it is important to him. I feel like such an ice queen. Which is his nickname for me.
This is the first time I’ve come across your channel. I am so moved by how this is a man but actually looking at both sides and being realistic. You are such a breath of fresh air in this podcast bro era. Also to the lady who called in. I had a similar dad. Very emotionally neglectful and scary but never did anything society would deem as abusive. I started therapy and I felt so much vindication when my therapist told me that a father shouldn’t make you want to disappear. It was abuse. Acknowledging that is so tough because it almost gives you this sense of pride that you were able to react to the emotional abuse in a way that made seem resilient or unbothered, because it was never a safe space for you to feel like the victim. Realising this doesn’t mean you have to blame or be angry at your dad, rather it’s helping you face the truth and avoid the people who will treat you with the same emotional callousness.
Thank you for commenting this. This is exactly how it is with my dad. When you used the word “disappear,” it made me remember when I didn’t want to exist, because it was too painful to have my existence be such a burden to my family. I don’t want to stay angry and hate him all my life. I love Jesus, and I want to be as forgiving as He is. It’s hard, but I trust it will be worth it. I now love myself enough to heal, because it is the goodness of God that drives people to true repentance. Not fear and shame. Fear is exhausting; Love is FUEL I don’t need to pretend my dad did everything right. That’s not what forgiveness looks like ❤❤❤
My ex had an addictive personality and was "very particular" about _everything,_ and nit-picked a lot (complaining) almost made me go crazy. I DID become his "mommy" and it was gross and awful. WOW!!!! Your dad!!! Girl! That was with me too! It was like I was dealing with my dad. I had an angry, scary dad as a kid and I was the peacemaker as well. Codependent. Peacemaker. The always "yes" girl. No boundaries. Feeling responsible for others emotional or familial atmosphere. Dang, John!!! You hit it! "I cannot stand before you naked (and I'll add: LET YOU INTO MY BODY) when you criticize me all the time! I don't feel safe in this marriage." I didn't realize that I didn't feel safe in my first marriage. I was so focused on him and so disconnected with myself....I didn't notice 😢
the question, so this video makes me realize that I might be nit-picking at my girl a little bit, how do I improve this. some context I was a ugly duckling and didn't get attention from women until 22 yo, my coping mechanism was to become ripped thus I became very particular about fitness and grooming. living like that has become my norm, but she is way more relaxed about it, how do I tell her that I find cleanliness and physical fitness more attractive even in older years? FYI I don't want a IG model but I don't want someone whose stomach hangs more out than her breasts, shes got small ones but I find them cute regardless. also she doesn't have any sex appeal cuz she is the more Christian type of girl, where as I had to learn to be a fboi.
Damn... poor thing. Her daddy was abusive and now her husband is. She was taught that love is pain and she sought someone who shows her exactly what her dad did.
For a guy with the screen name ineedhoez you don’t have much street smarts. She said her father WASN’T abusive, he was “rough around the edges”. And to even say that Delony had to browbeat her. She and Delony are just making up excuses for being abusive towards her husband, that’s all.
@@reggiejenkins6458 wouldn’t say she’s abusive towards her husband and I don’t think he’s abusive towards her neither. Dude is probably just irritated cause he’s sexually frustrated
@@cptfreeman8966 she is the abusive one. Marrying a man and withholding sex is abuse on every level. When you add in the fact it’s literally for no reason, this woman comes off as mildly evil.
I want to heat his side of the story, not just hers, he prob is feeling unwanted, prob doing alot of stuff for her, hiding his problems and is hurting on the inside, doesn't want to seem weak, doesn't know how to express him self, wants to be romantic and intimate, but with everything happing, and that not happing for him, he does things she doesn't like, and leads to more problems, there is always two sides to every story, they need to sit down independently with a councilor and get everything off there chests, then the councilor needs to tell there story's to there partner. With put that person in the room, then bring both in the room and let them both spread from the heart
With me it was a hormonal imbalance. My husband is wonderful and I was the “don’t touch me”. It’s sad because doctors don’t look at hormone imbalances in women until peri and post menopause. 0 testosterone HRT has been a game changer. Women need to advocate for themselves at a much younger age.
It sounds like the caller might have Responsive Desire, which is much more prevalent than people think. It's when you don't experience desire until you feel arousal.
Most women have responsive desire - they only want to have sex with the right guy under the right circumstances. Most men have proactive desire - we're generally ready to go with most women at any given time. She just doesn't want to have sex with her husband because she married someone like her father whom she subconsciously resents and her remaining a virgin till her 20s has made it far easier to hold back her desire.
Yes. This is most definitely a thing in many women I think. Instead of saying no, it can help to take things slowly until the desire catches up between the body and the brain
If you dont enjoy it, then it's not being done correctly. If you are not satisfied and don't feel cared for or paid attention to during it, then why on earth would you want to do it again? "If you don't like it, I hate it." "I'm not an animal, I don't steal." "I enjoy cuddling too- you don't owe me anything" was what my husband told me. It surprised me as my father was a butt and taught a lot of lies. Those sort of conversations are required. If he's a butt, then yeah exactly, your body protects itself when you don't- and it protects your future kids.
Bro, I work from home and watch the kids primarily so she can take naps. My wife hasn’t touched a gas pump since we’ve been married. I keep her car gassed up and washed. I help her cook. I give her words of affirmation for her job. And still NOTHING! I don’t know what to do!
Yeah you’ve essentially deprived yourself of sex by doing everything that turns a woman off. Contrary to what the media would have you believe, “good husbands” who serve and supplicate before their wives. Grow a pair of balls, regain your masculinity, stop serving your wife, giving her un-earned validation and doing everything around the house, she can pump her own gas. Spend lesser time in the house, get an outdoor hobby and learn to say No and be willing to lose her, after all what good is a wife who won’t even sleep with you.
Gosh. Sex is almost always bad before it’s good for women. And it’s almost always good from the start for men. A good man is aware of this, and works to help his woman get to the “good” part of sex. This woman’s husband doesn’t seem to understand this. He’s never going to get sex if he can’t focus on her pleasure.
This host knows how to always take the phone caller's side of the story, you don't know the full story, in fact this host forced the caller to claim her husbnnd is abusive, eventhough she doesn't believe her husband is abusive, he's not physical or emotional or explosive, but this so-called Dr John has immediately painted her husband as abusive because he disagrees with her on things. This is a NEW marriage, just over 1 year old marriage, they're both learning how to compromise, while her husband is obviously frustrated because she doesn't enjoy his intimacy, but that's as far as it goes and she even says he's not "abusive", just picky. The first advice on seeking a medical expert to check he hormones and biological/psychological link to sex was the best advice and should've stopped there, he should've asked more questions on her husband's character instead of painting him out to be the one at fault. If he called in explaining his side first, this DR JOHN would take HIS SIDE.
When a woman falls in love she does not act like this. Her man brings out all that desire in her and the light bulb turns on. She turns into a feminine sexual loving woman with the right man. These people just didn't marry the correct people.
Spot on. She probably shouldn't have married him. I feel like unfortunately, she overlooked some red flags before she married him - and now they're both paying for it in their sex life. Plus she hasn't healed from her own childhood trauma. He probably felt 'familiar' to her and so the trauma gets repeated again. It's sad... I hope they can resolve it & save their marriage - or move on separately & peacefully before any kids come along. ❤
So it's ok to divorce her husband? This is the stupid female mentality thsts killing marriages . This js why alot of women will be buying a dog and dying alone
@@scaldon2 I’m happier married. But I grew up watching my mother being treated badly by men. If you never lived through it then I don’t expect you to get it. It’s not feminism attitude or being single with a dog. My family lost years of our lives we’ll never get back. If you’re not happy in your marriage you shouldn’t feel forced to stay. There are a lot of good men out there. And she’s young.
Natural family planning (Fertility Awareness Method) is awesome if both people are on board. We were married for 6 years before trying to have kids. When we decided it was time we were pregnant in 1.5 months and we spaced all 5 kids 2 years apart and haven't had one since deciding we're done. If both people understand and are on board it works. 😊 20 years now.
Something nobody has talked about in the comments yet is financial issues. Ever since we had our child and started daycare we have been broke. But my wife feels attacked when I criticize her buying shoes and clothes and a bunch of stuff I feel like we don't need. My logical man brain says why can't you just stop shopping for the good of the family but she says it's the only joy she has. How do I be supportive when a majority of her plans are ways to spend money?
The bigger issue: "it's the only joy she has." Help her get in touch with other joys. Criticizing will only make her double down because she needs a source of joy and that's what she has... help her find new joy, and watch her need for shopping decrease.
It's so sad when sex just becomes a chore. Or just a way to get rid of an itch. The foreplay starts with creating a situation and an atmosphere where attraction can spire. Anticipation, playfulness and laughter are good ingredients. Manage things that are distracting to you, be it piles of dish, stressful worksituation, or kids. Both need to participate and not sabotage it by purpose. If you already have attraction you don’t need to do much, but if there is low attraction you need more. You may need to repeat this several times before your partner recognizes that he/she can relax in and where it is possible to feel attraction.
This is the worst call and response I listened to on this channel! She didn't call about her so-called abuse husband, she called because she doesn't like sex and she's married. At the end of the day, it's always the man's fault. This is depressing. Than people wonder why men don't want long-term relationship or marriage.
Maybe you don’t want to hear the truth? Women who don’t wanna have sex it’s because the man created that environment. That’s just the truth. Women are emotional men are physical.
From a personal experience-sex drive diminishes when you gain weight, at least in my body. Also some medications tend to diminish sex drive, so it could be a side effect. Maybe she is not too overweight but out of shape. Also maybe she takes it as a chore all together rather then telling her partner that she wants more foreplay and a romantic setting, like a romantic massage with candles with lots of touch first, maybe take a bath together with lots of bubbles. It also been proven that female desire is cultivated during the whole day, so plan a date and your husband should focus on tending to you throughout all day, like giving a compliment, fulfilling your love language, touching, holding hands, talking, and culmination in the evening. Some women have sexual blockages due to sexual trauma.
No man? May be some men need to know that Romance begins from the moment you wake up in the morning and if you are being a jerk the whole day and expect intimacy later at night? Her body is already shut down by the time you desire sexual intimacy. People need to just be nice and kind to their partners.
@imans3899 the problem starts when women have an idea of romance picked up from movies and novels, it's the female equivalent of porn addiction. If it's not literally a scene out of the Notebook, they don't consider it "enough"
She can’t say yes because it’s doesn’t seem like abuse to her but he downgrades her in a way and doesn’t make her feel truly loved like a man should when he’s married to his woman.
This is a common issue among women like her. I lost count of women, including myself who had sex for the first time and was over it after the 3rd time. Sexual chemistry is important, especially for women bc if she’s not feeling you, you’re on your own! And what a time to find out, after you’re married! They have to create and build chemistry and desire bc compatibility isn’t there. All the best to her!
Just wish adults,both men and women who had no interest in sex wouldn't take marriage vows to begin with, a lot of would be divorces could have been avoided. People need to be very honest on issues sex related (as with other things) before going ahead to take vows
Yep, my wife of 17 years lost weight, cheated and kicked me out in September. I was always attracted to her no matter her size. Either way I’m ghosted and living in my dad’s garage at 45 years old. I lost her, the home and life I invested in for so many years… my stepdaughter is 19 and in college online, still lives there. She won’t speak to me either
@blisterwort you don't have to have sex before marriage to know whether or not you're attracted to a potential spouse. If you feel zero toward them when it comes to intimacy, even if you haven't had sex with the person, you will just know there's no attraction and call it off if you're honest with yourself.
One thing not discussed a lot is how bad many men are in bed to the point where women have no sexual desire. Some of it is technical, but often it's not technical it's a vibe they give off.. like an "entertain me" or "doing what you find sensual/sexual is not a turn on for me so i'm gonna rush through it consciously or subconsciously" OR many times its a vibe that's hard to put your finger on. And also, many times your body in a relationship is telling you what your mind and heart doesn't want to acknowledge regarding relationship issues
Most of it is emotionally charged for women. My man wasn't the best when we first met but 9 years later, even after 3 children our intimacy is top notch because we have grown to know eachother. I respect him, he respects me and that is the driving force behind a good sex life. So saying most 14:45 men aren't "good" in bed is completely false. It's dependent on many other variables for women.
She sounds like such a smart, grounded woman who deep down knows but is having a hard time believing the truth. She’s with the wrong person. I hope she finds the strength to walk away and start fresh! ❤
I wish that was me. My sex drive was crazy high when I was younger, and now that I'm married & my husband wants it all the time, I have little drive anymore. My hormones were high in my early 20s & went down from there.
@@jasminemariedarling This is also typical. Women use their sexuality to secure a man and once they have that man locked down, they tend to feel less need to be sexual. Many do this intentionally (bait and switch) but I also think it is subconscious to some degree as well. So once a woman has what she was trying to get, she no longer puts out what it took to get it. Regarding attracting her man, she feels like she no longer needs to keep putting out the honey because she already trapped the bee. BTW, this is also why women have no problem getting a man but most have a hard time KEEPING a man. Because most men feel deceived and bait/switched after being provided tons of sex at the beginning, then getting less and less even though he just gave you access to his income, assets, time, and loyalty.
"Gender Roles" is the biggest red flag. If he's a jerk, leave ASAP because it will only get worse and harder to leave. You're 15 months in. You should still be in the honeymoon phase.
I’m the one who doesn’t want sex anymore & we’re 42 yrs married. It became this way after my husband (he’s been a quadriplegic since we married) got a bad sore on his butt. It was life threatening and he got a colostomy and now uses a Foley catheter. I’m his 24/7 caregiver. We had a great sex life before this wound. It’s been 8 yrs of caregiving and I’m just not into sex anymore. He takes the stupid blue pill, meanwhile I am wiped out tired & he’s wanting to feel like a man again! Well, I want to feel like the wife again and not the nurse! It’s not fair, I feel so bad for him, but I also don’t care 😢
@@jeanineberna8458 I understand their are extenuating circunstances related to physical & even mental health issues, but when your otherwise healthy wife chooses to never engage with you sexually again, but still wants the "friend" & security benefits, that really hurts because part of the marriage commitment ha been broken. I have decided to try and stay in the relationship with without breaking my commitments to her to be faithful, but the lack of sexual intimacy makes this very difficult, physically & mentally.
Yeh, when the husband is a jerk, it shuts your body down. No one wants to be intimate with someone who’s mean to them all the time.
SOOOOO TRUE!!
Woman need to be more of an open book with their husband's. Does he know you think he is a jerk? Sone woman isolate themselves with excuses.. not say that's true in this case, just throwing it out there
Thanks for telling me that.
@@nicholasalexander434lol tell me you’re an incel without telling me you’re an incel. Seriously what is up with all the women haters on this channel
@@paulklahn7705it goes both ways for men and women. My ex wife was a total jerk to me all the time, belittling me and emasculated me. Then had the nerve to say I am not affectionate. I am extremely affection with my current girlfriend, the problem wasn't me. My ex just didn't deserve my affection.
Foreplay begins outside the bedroom. There are so many reasons women struggle with sex drive, but being unhappy outside the bedroom is the biggest reason.
Yes unhappy with him.
yeuppppppp most men dont understand this
@@antmanselector sure, there will always be hoes like there will always be people who eat at mcdonalds
@@antmanselector sure, there will always be 304s to consume like there will always be people who eat at mcdonalds
@@antmanselectorbecause the husband isn’t a caring partner. What have you done today to make her smile, laugh, and want to be intimate with you? Have you been crabby, critical, ignoring her, not looking at her-just glancing instead, hugged her, pretended to listen when she talks but not really hearing her, whispered something loving but not sexual in her ear as you pass by her, held her hand, kissed her just for kissing’s sake like you used to do without copping a feel, caressed her cheek, winked at her, made her laugh. Yep, she probably hasn’t done those things in a while either. But women NEED these things to even want to have sex. Men just need 10 minutes and some privacy. Even when you’re mad or sad or sick or whatever, you’re ready and willing to get it on. Women CANNOT. So be the hero and start doing those sweet, tender things again you used to do and stop being irritable and sulky. Be nice. Be fun to be with. NO PORN, STRIP CLUBS, etc. It will warm things up again. Also, if she’s had kids, GET HER HORMONES FULLY CHECKED BY A SPECIALIST. There is no Viagra to help us, but getting our 300 hormones back in balance can restore some libido. Men only have about 30 hormones to regulate and don’t deal with pregnancy upheaval and postpartum chaos. Exhaustion kills our libido too, and what mother isn’t mentally/ physically perpetually exhausted? Depression kills libido. Meds for depression kill libido. It’s truly not easy being female. So give her all the sweet little things you did in the beginning, tell her you support her as she finds a good specialist, tell her sex next time can be giving her a body massage and you’ll finish yourself off so she doesn’t feel like she HAS to perform sometimes (but don’t be surprised if she relaxes so much she turns it into full intercourse-just don’t expect/hope for that). These are the things that have helped me and many friends get back to a better relationship. As our husbands did these sweet things, we started melting again and wanted to give more instead of just feeling like a maid and a used body. Hope this helps. Just remember, it took a while to get into a less-than-happy state and it will take time, consistency, and patience to make your ways out of it to a better one. But it’s sooo worth it. Or you can keep doing the same old, same old and stay in the same old unhappy state blaming the other one for it all. God put joints in our finger so we could turn it back toward ourselves to see what we’ve done/or not done to drive this marriage/relationship into the ditch and totaled it. Time to pull it out and rebuild it or start anew from scratch. Good luck!
I wonder why they got married. It was so sad when she said, she has thick skin. You are not supposed to have thick skin with your husband.
a lot of times people seek what feels familiar unconsciously. this leads to relationships mimicking how they felt in their childhood. as horrible as sometimes that can be, this can be some of the most healing and transformative relationships (as long as theirs no serious abuse going on and both parties are open minded and willing to change). in these relationships, we can give each what we needed in our childhood. it’s a chance to heal what we never got to heal in the parent - child relationship. the book “getting the love you want” speaks all about this
@junelove777 yes, the saying goes, "You marry your unfinished business."...
Honestly, she was probably young, indoctrinated, and taught that marriage was the goal
So they could have sex! I would never marry someone without sleeping with them first. If he's abusive leave him. But if I was him and 15 months in she doesn't want sex I would leave her before they had children.
A lot of abusers are charming before the marriage. Then afterwards it slowly trinkles in. Leaving isn’t always easy. That’s the most dangerous time to leave.
'Your body is trying to protect you'
'Her body does not feel safe enough to be sexual'
- that resonated with me so much
Yup. I wish Deloney understood more about women's hormones. Someone in stress drops their sexual hormones. Every.time. so telling her to get checked is ...🤷♀️. Add to that women's hormones change about every 90 seconds so unless she does a DUTCH test, only a thyroid panel is likely to show much of anything.
Same.
Yup!
then she should say that she not safe with the guy so they can break up
❤
Some random dude I worked with once said the wisest thing to me-
Good sex can keep two people together who don’t really like each other, but bad sex can drive two people who love each other apart.
lol, that's definitely not true. Just the opposite. If you don't like someone you won't even want to have sex with them.
@@GizmoMaltese what world are you living in? That stops being true at about the age of 13.
@@reggiejenkins6458 In the real world. Most married people will tell you that once the relationship goes sour, the interest in sex disappears. You have to be extremely emotionally detached to want to have sex with someone you dislike.
@@GizmoMaltese you’re either a child or a prude, only you know which one.
@@GizmoMaltese Then I'm guessing you've never had sex good enough to keep doing with someone you don't like. Attraction and emotion are different. And if they're attractive and they're that good in bed. You don't have to like them as a person. Now if they're a deplorable human being than maybe great sex alone isn't enough.
I love the way she describes her birth control choice and says "It's worked so far." You are not having sex. Of course it works.
She did say they do it. Natural planning plans around ovulation/fertile days. She just says she doesn't like to do it
The fertile window isn’t every day of the month
Real responsible!!!@@
I know multiple couples, including my husband and I, who have done natural family planning and had kids exactly when we wanted to. Even if there is an unexpected pregnancy it sure beats the 20-30 couples I know who the lady has been on birth control for 5-15 years and then deal with infertility. Babies are a blessing! Infertility is pure heartbreak.
But the fertile window is also when you most desire sex… not that there aren’t other issues, but that doesn’t help.
It doesn’t make sense to shame girls/women for sexual feelings for 18+ years and expect them not to have any issues/blocks around it once they’re married.
That part! They want you to be a virgin your whole life and then in 1 night become a porn star. It's not going to happen. Ask me how I know....
You're absolutely right...we are threatened, warned, and disowned if we have sex before marriage. A lot of men do not know how to be a .over.
exactly
I’m sorry. Are all of you talking about the 1950s? Our society is the exact opposite now. There is so much sexual stimulation that it’s an overload. Do anyone pay attention anymore?
@@Nasty_Zappait’s a strange mix of over sexualization online and purity culture for the everyday person. Either way women are objectified and told what they ought to do
The silence after "is he abusing you" says a lot. And her "depends on what you consider abuse". She knows but she's not ready to admit.
Yeah i think she might even be physically abused but in a way that feels borderline and making her question if shes actually truly abused or not. Like he could possibly grab her or corner her and push his face into her face as an intimidation tactic. He's probably not full on smacking her around but it just feels like there is something more.
Bingo! I’m in a destructive marriage with someone who verbally abuses me more days than not. I have NO desire either.
@@amykecskes7356 currently going through this, here's the kicker, we've been divorced for 2 almost 3 years now, I fell on hard times and and literally had nowhere to go with my children. So we came here.. it has been a living nightmare 😔. We're not even together and he punishes me because I won't have sex with him!
I'm not having sex with ANYONE! Just that simple. I'm still healing
Maybe she's the abuser, the initiator of bad behavior.
A few questions:
1. Is he in good shape?
2. Is she in good shape?
3. Do they get along?
4. Are there new stressors in life?
5. Do they talk to each other throughout the day?
6. Do they touch each other non sexually throughout the day.
7. Are they eating or sleeping right?
8. Is either one addicted to porn?
You nailed it, for lack of a better term 😂
@@emmarose6590 😂😂😂
9. Is she working inside and outside of the home/doing a disproportionate amount of the labor?
So much great food for thought.
Great questions!!!
I’ll add as an Eastern practitioner:
1) how are your hormones & adrenals?
2) do you feel shame?
3) do you feel safe & equal in your relationship
4) would it be same with everyone or is something your partner doing
5) is your religious beliefs about your body / shame / or spirit around this affecting your ability to just LET GO & connect with your husband
6) do you and your husband have non intercourse intimacy & connection outside of sex?
7) do you have a healthy connection
8) does flirtation feel good or is pressure taking it away outside of relationship
9) do you truly love him or did you marry him because it’s what you should do
10) are you guys still connected connected heart to heart week to week or?
I have to say, for 25, she is very self-aware and communicates really well.
Dr. John I feel like I am the maid , the cook , the babysitter ,he keeps all of his thoughts to himself and never has conversations with me and he won't miss his Friday night poker game with the guys .We have been married for 45 years he either can't remember or can't hear anything I say to him( selective hearing ) he watches his programs ,I watch mine . He doesn't ask my opinion about anything .He just always does what he wants and frankly I don't feel like being his sex toy. ( we are two in shape attractive people )
Compared to what?!
@@Ohboycommentsectioncompared to you at 25
@@tiffandc0 eh, 3 more years to go
No she dosent she is dumb lol
This, I hope, has been eye opening for me. My wife and I have been struggling for months and this is the first time I have sat back and said “am I the asshole” in regards to my attitude and behavior. Thank you.
I highly recommend the books - Come As You Are and How to Improve Your Marriage Witohut Talking. Even if my marriage still ended, I definitely got a better understanding of what ways I was helping and harming my marriage, what to work on, and also how libido and desire can be different for different people. Also, therapy! Good luck!
This was so cringe to read.
@@bookwyrmneducatorthank you so much for suggesting these books! I just went and ordered them to be here tomorrow.😊
My hats off to you for admitting this hun! It takes a level of emotional maturity to see this in oneself. Self awareness is really 🔑 🗝 key! Half of the work toward the solution has already been done. Now you get to decide what you're going to do differently or improve, how you're going to apologize and how you'll attempt to make repairs. ❤ You're already well on your way though. Praying your wife is open & sees your heart.
It sounds more like you’re weak and she doesn’t respect you more so than you being an asshole. You just sound too nice
I have adhd. My fiance has autism. We regularly mess up on communication, or misread each other, but we will ALWAYS talk it out, figure it out, and our mutual respect and love for each other takes precendence over anything else. Neither of us would ever "excuse" neglecting the other, it is never acceptable
The fact that you are both neurodivergent is a benefit in that you don’t get bogged down with mind-games. You are more “wired” to just state the obvious. It’s a freedom 😊
I have ADD and I’m pretty sure my husband is on autistic spectrum. His communication is poor, very little conversation (one word answers) he is very sensitive to noise, he doesn’t know experience emotions like me, he is defensive if confronted with something he finds uncomfortable or doesn’t talk about it. 😢
Doesn’t sound like a happy marriage . The husband feels unwanted and gets no physical intimacy and the wife feels nit picked and mentally abused. Sounds pretty much done
She "saved herself for marriage " they probably belong to a religion that tells them they can't ever be done no matter how miserable they are.
@@loveubye2288 because you have to be adults and figure out how to make the marriage work. You can’t walk out on your partner when a problem comes up. You figure it out and that way you stay together and grow together as a family. Marriage ain’t dating, it’s a commitment.
@@loveubye2288 yes perhaps but it’s also true their religion may say a bunch of stuff that leads to sexual shame around nudity & bodies
@@loveubye2288 which is based they should fix their marriage instead of leaving
@@loveubye2288 yep I’m in Utah and Mormons are ridiculously shamed for even French kissing before marriage let alone sex.
Some of these calls really need to have both parties on the line, because she either willingly married someone who seems to have no redeeming qualities, or there are details that are being deliberately left out, and either way I feel like advice is being given based on a narrative instead of reality.
100% agree
The caller gives a partial story/their side of the story, but John's giving all this generic advice that could severely impact people's lives. It's quite scary tbh.
I agree. It would be good for counselors to ask some questions to get a basic knowledge of her self esteem.
Because if she feels ashamed or unhappy with who she is, intimacy will be even more challenging. Especially since the husband is not balancing his criticism with affirmation, acceptance, and nurturing.
Agreed.
She said it, he wants sex and she doesn't. So it's unfair to him for her to remain in a marriage where he has to beg for sex. He's probably nitpicking on her bc he's frustrated of not getting sex in the marriage.
Not saying he should do that, but it's probably one of the symptoms of him not getting sex.
They're clearly not compatible. She needs to let him go be with someone who'll give him sex and she needs to go be by herself or be with someone who doesn't want sex like her.
If she married him knowing she's not going to give him sex, then she needs to let this man go. It's unfair to him. For most men, sex is very important, if she can't provide that, she needs to let him go.
I bet she'll have a problem if her husband can't financially provide in the marriage.
@@terriesmith2616 she was a virgin before marriage so she didn’t anticipate not having sex with him. Also…her physiological response to his emotional neglect is something that she Also didn’t anticipate because again… she probably didn’t know her body sexually until after marriage. Some women, cannot get “hot and ready” off of a few kisses… she has to feel fully safe! And she doesn’t.
Compatibility isn’t always going to exist because ppl grow and change through seasons, individually. They need the tools, understanding and will to fix the issues they’re facing.
@@apmg924 right ✅️ I feel like who are these armchair weirdos lamenting while also giving their ignorant 2 cents 🙄
I don’t think this is talked about enough. It’s hard when you don’t desire sex to have a lasting relationship. That can be from traumatic events, medical reasons, or just losing the spark and we don’t talk about it enough.
True. Men need to be warned about women who don’t desire sex. Fastest way to be in an unhappy marriage.
@@taylorb6469
I think education is a more proper solution but okay.
"Warned"is the wrong word to use. You should discuss expectations before going to the bedroom. Otherwise, you set yourself up on that.
Thats why dating is super important,you gotta read the fine print before accepting the contract.
Sex is only 10% of a relationship but it’s the first 10%. Woman fantasize this perfect build up to sex and put sex last and this is the outcome every time. The playfulness and connection goes cold. You can tell a female this till you’re blue in the face and she still won’t believe it. She places ALL the feels she has on her husband to change when it’s her responsibility to control her mood and feels. Unfortunately wedding cake is usually a guys quickest way to have a female go cold on him. This has played out for decades.
I understand religious reasons but sex is such a vital part of a marriage. I couldn’t imagine marrying someone that you don’t have a deep sexual connection with
where does a deep sexual connection come from? Not talking about lust or passion which inevitably fades after a few years. I’m talking about a true connection.
iv read in the Bible that both sex and abstinence require consent and its sinful to engage in either without consent. its true and makes sense cause if you look at happy long lasting marriage those partners are sexually active, partners who don’t have sex have problems like this one. she needs to work on dropping her walls cause marriage comes with commitments that if your not willing to uphold then your better off alone but is rewarding if you are willing to uphold them. the bible is objectively true.
Our body remembers what our mind tries to forget - I remember this line from a novel I once read. Women’s bodies are so vulnerable especially even during intimacy. This could definitly be why she doesn’t feel like having sex.
I honestly believe that another depression will get women’s attitudes and libidos back into check. You modern American women have turned into the most ungrateful and selfish beasts
Shut up
You can have PTSD responses to trauma your mind doesn't even remember happened. My husband has mental health issues - severe depression, OCD, anxiety, and ADHD - he is the sweetest, most considerate, loving man I have ever known and an incredible father.
the body keeps the score
Ask anesthesiologists. That all comes out when you go under anesthesia. It can mean your body not talking to it. It can be your body needing more of a certain knockout drug.
I don’t understand when a person who does not want to have sex expects another person who is not asexual to stay married to them. I don’t think its fair to expect the other party to be celibate. If you are not sexually compatible, you aren’t compatible.
@kathleengerber3899 You, my friend, have hit the nail on the head!!! It's NOT complicated at all. Thank you for saying that.
I agree, that's why I'm not a big fan of staying a virgin before marriage. It's a risk that could turn out badly for one or both people. Some people have been lucky and were virgins before marriage with no problems afterwards, good for them. But some couples end up like this, with big sexual incompatibilities that can or can't be solved.
@@SomeBody-ce3gq you have the wrong mindset. Having sex with random people before marriage increases the likelihood of separating.
@@yellowsnowman9157 They didn't say have sex with random people. There's a happy medium between remaining celibate until marriage and going around hooking up as much as possible. I'm currently single and don't do the hook up culture thing, but if I'm in a committed relationship with someone who I've developed strong feelings for I don't see why we shouldn't sleep together if we both want to. I've had several relationships end or get cut off early because we realized we weren't compatible when it comes to physical intimacy, I'm glad to have known that early on rather than get married and find out when it would take legal action to separate lol. I understand a lot of people stay celibate until marriage for religious reasons and there's not much to do about that, but I'm not religious.
@@SomeBody-ce3gqmy husband and I had sex before marriage and it’s caused nothing but problems for us. Wish we both would have waited. Besides that every time you have sex with someone you’re giving a part of yourself away, you’re risking STD and unwanted pregnancies. Nothing good comes from sleeping around.
1) The downside to the natural family planning is you don't have sex when your drive is highest --ovulation.
2) It's hard to desire someone who is making you feel bad. And it's hard for someone to be nice to you if you are pushing them away.
3) They need to actually be willing to learn about sex with each other.
I want sex more when I'm away from my bf but unfortunately I suddenly (sometimes) lose interest when I know that it's time to actually do the deed 😔
It's a mental block in my brain
What’s your suggestion for #1? I’m pregnant because of ovulation drive! NFP has been our go to and clearly didn’t work.
@Hulda's Journey • We still live with our parents ATM. We're looking for a place now tho! Hopefully when we have our own space we can experiment more as I feel like we're both still getting used to it
You can have sex on ovulation days and just use condoms.
I practice NFP and just use barrier method during ovulation
Wow ! You’re so insightful! Love the part where you talk about someone stewing and putting off negative energy. But then acting like you’re crazy for thinking they’re mad about something. Super annoying! Glad to see that someone mentioned this aspect. Thank you 😊
She needs to talk to a non-traditional doctor who will listen too. I was told endless times I was “too young” to need my hormones checked. At 30 I finally got the test and I had the hormones of a 65 year old woman.
What hormones did you get tested? I had plenty of basic blood tests and thyroid hormones but that's about it. I don't even know which hormones to suggest to add.
did you take hormonal birth control?
Your estrogen, testosterone, and progesterone are the big ones
@@emberya9561 I’m sorry I never saw your question. Estrogen, testosterone and progesterone. :)
@@etf42 Yes, 20 years ago. I spent the last decade before going off birth control on the Merina iud. That iud caused me many problems. When I got my hormones checked I wasn’t on anything anymore.
My wife said that she simply didn't really desire sex anymore when we were in counseling about 8 years ago. Almost cost us our marriage, but a combination of communication and the fact that I started getting attention from other women (I got into very good shape as a consequence of my passion for triathlons) seemed to change that quite a bit. I have _never_ been unfaithful to my wife, but whatever she picked up on certainly rekindled her physical desire for me, and it's been a very good 5 years. I had so many feelings of guilt for having a higher libido than she did, feeling like I was badgering her and getting moody when it was mostly frustration and constant fear of rejection. It's hard on men _and_ women in different ways, and I have a lot of sympathy for people going though intimacy issues.
I myself have a high libido but wife has no desire....I think I use work as an escape to the rejection.. Why sit at home and be rejected if I can make a few extra dollars, and have no bills...
I hate the fact that i have to be desired by other women...TO KEEP A WOMAN
Sir. No offense, but you are very confused. You got into very good shape? It wasn't the other women. Your wife became attracted to your improved body. Women want something to nice to look at as well. I think this girl has the same issue. I hate that he didn't ask her if she finds her husband attractive. It doesn't sound like she does....Glad things are going well for you!
@@ST-rj8iu I guess you know a lot about me and my marriage dynamic?
@@CableGuy74 So genuinely sorry to hear that man! I hope you can work things out but I know how hard that can be; just know that it's not something that is unfixable. Wishing you the best.
I’m 28 and have recently been feeling like this. But it’s not really that I don’t “like” sex… it’s just difficult to continue wanting it when your partner is bad at it or very selfish sexually. My needs are never met even if I’ve reached the point of begging for change.. At this point , I feel bad bringing anything up anymore because I don’t want to make him feel like he’s not good enough but at the same time. He makes me feel that way when he leaves me hanging 100% of the time. It makes me so sad …
Please communicate with him and be very concise with what you need. Most men have been taught about sex through an incorrect understanding of themselves and female body. If you want to be with him and still get your needs met his ego has go out the window. It happens to everyone whose in a truth long lasting relationship. You have to TEACH your spouse how to properly satisfy you. Men like to be praised. Use words/sounds to tell him when does something right and when does something wrong. If he's early finisher then tell him to look up "edging" it will help with endurance. Switch positions. Have him to try to please you first before he can about doing anything to you. You gotta talk it out though. As a man whose in a committed long-term relationship, I've dealt with this and our sex lives now is mutual beneficial and she's just excited as me about it. I hope this helps, we need to keep our families together.
Communicate, communicate, communicate and do so directly without shame.
Unless you’re with a total selfish dunce, most every man wants his wife in ecstasy with him, and most every man needs to be told how to do it.
Unfortunately, I’ve been trying to communicate my feelings and my needs and wants for 7 years.. It feels like an eternity because it falls on deaf ears. I really think he just doesn’t care to change anything because I can’t fathom being told these things and just not understanding? I’ve tried everything I could think of in regards to communication about our sexual relationship. I feel I’ve been patient and have intentionally maintained kindness when bringing these things up because I care about how he feels at the end of our conversations. But I don’t know, just nothing… Now I’m in a place where , I desperately want release and the frustration i feel even in my chest just makes me cry.. I dont know what to do.. I don’t want to separate but I just hate thinking that this will be my life :( I am a very sexual person and I feel like I’m going to loose that side of me because I have no one to share it with
If I was communicating my sexual needs to a partner and they were ignoring them I would leave. I am a very giving person in the bedroom and I expect the same in return.
@@bekind2416 be direct and tell him either he meets your needs or another man will. Unfortunately with some guys you have to be that blunt for them to get it.
His answer to that will tell you what you need to do moving forward.
Foreplay starts from the moment we open our eyes in the morning. If your wife doesn’t enjoy sleeping with you, step one is think about how you treat her day in and day out.
NO, it is not her husbands problem, it is her problem and she needs to deal with it.
What is expressed and said throughout the day and the overall tempo and atmosphere of the home always has an impact on sex psychology
Nailed it.
100%
❤❤❤❤
Guys be a jerk to their wives and then wonder why she has no sex drive.
Most women are dryer than the Sahara Desert if the guy is too nice. You need to be assertive and lead in order for her to be sexually attracted to him. And some toxic women are sexually attracted to douche bag losers who beat women
Thank u
According to whom? The wife? The one who constantly rejects any intimacy with him and basically lied to him before they got married?
*
Because I'll tell you this.... if there is ONE THING guys are super interested in it is SEEEEEEX. And if she led him on in any way, shape, or form to believe that there WOULD be sex, then she SLAMMED THE DOOR on him the minute he said, "I do", that is cruelty in the barest form.
*
Boy yeah... no reason at all that he's feeling a bit... off.
*
When you commit, you commit. "To have and to hold... forsaking all others." That's the marriage vow. To simply say, "Well gee, I don't feel like sex at all, ever...." That is selfishness and meanness.
*
Imagine if it were the other way: he led her to believe he would provide and care for her, then when they said, "I do" he decided to play video games all day and live off welfare in a dump?
Ya like you really know the whole story.
Guys start acting like jerks when the wife stops initiating/wanting sex. You would be pissed too of you only sexual outlet just turned off the tap. Men still have to be the provider protector and rock of the family, yet the woman can just stop her end of the deal and think everything should be fine because she feels sex is not important.
I cannot relate. I was a virgin before I was married. But I was lucky that my family had a sex positive attitude. My grandma/mother said openly that sex was fun (inside marriage). That it was powerful and beautiful funny and normal and fun. It was meant to be for marriage but it wasn’t shameful and bad. I was raised very religious and I am still very religious. And I really love my relationship with my husband physically and it has only gotten better over our 15years. I’m so sorry for the women who hate sex because it’s great.
@ Cess - LOL Cess said she cannot relate 😆. Sex is suppose to be great for both the man and the woman. Your grandma and mother are right.
I’m Catholic and my Catholic family had a similar attitude towards sex. Among my Catholic friends, sex is seen as an absolute must for marriage quality. And not the “act” of sex alone, but the intimacy and the enjoyment of it. I strayed and (sadly) was not a virgin before marriage, and my husband is not Catholic. I think our intimate life would be better if we both saw sex as my Catholic friends do.
It good thing your family was so sex positive ,and it's rare it see that I most anywhere,and especially in Christian family most are taught it's a sin or it's something for their husband .
And for most all they get from the church is rhetoric and bad teaching , about abstaining,and it's a sin from their early years to teens to young adults or they heard nothing at all .
Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors, what they tell you and what may be happening are two different things, I'm sure there's plenty of Catholics that have bad sex lives. You need to stop comparing your life to others and try to improve your life with your husband and your sex life.
@@sitka49 but you sound like someone who gets their ideas about Christianity and married sex from either a 1956 parochial school... or from tv. None of what you said is typical in Christianity. At least not for decades.
The world hypes up sex so much it becomes a turn off and causes some people to be turned off by it.
This was the biggest issue I had whilst on hormonal birth control. I felt like there was something wrong with me. A month or so off the pill and everything changed - much to my husband's delight.
I’m convinced the pill is toxic. I felt so weird on it and it went away immediately after my first cycle off of it.
same on BC
Oddly, my libido dramatically increased when I got on BC and remained high ever since.
I saw one study that claimed 20% of women have a decrease in libido, whereas 10% had an increase. The effects seem to depend on the types of hormones used, the dosages, and any pre-existing diseases like PCOS.
@@sbunnies8204 I think for a lot of women that may be the case but I genuinely dont have problems with it? It didnt mess w my libido and it fixed a lot of my skin issues as well as mental health. Like I used to have horrible anxiety and it helped me so much. I mentioned it to my therapist and she said that can happen bc of the effect on your hormones. It really helped me.
And your own delight I hope!
That’s very true. When you don’t feel safe with him, your body starts saying no. If he doesn’t make you feel loved, respected, and safe, your body with shut him down.
Crazy, the "bad boy phase" shatters such myths.
I hated sex as well when I got married at 22. It felt like a chore. He even put me on hormone pills and NOTHING helped. It was HIM. He was controlling, manipulative, mentally abusive. It plummeted my drive to zero. He told me I have no reason to feel how I feel and if I “listen to him”, things would be much better. I was happily divorced by 25 and didn’t have sex for years because I felt like my body was FINALLY MINE. I only recently started to actually enjoy sex.
Why did you even get married?
@@matts375 great question!
This caller 1,000% me! Tough female thinking I can handle stuff and wouldn't just "let" my husband be emotionally abusive. We didn't yell or curse at each other but words were strong. He also had a porn problem. It got to me no matter how tough I thought I was. We're divorced now. I hope this caller and her husband are at a better place.
So you didn't sleep with your husband but you are criticizing him for having a porn problem?
What did you expect him to do?
@@TLPWRlifter for him not to be emotionally abusive so she would want to have sex with him? And also, a lot of men already have porn problems before getting married and that hurts a lot a couple even if men want to keep believing it doesn’t. Sex is not like porn in real life.
@@anamaullyherrera6380
People always give the most charitable perspective on themselves and her comment clearly said there were mutual arguments.
I think my point still stands.
With that being said I do agree porn is corrosive but when you have a wife that doesn't have sex with you it's either that or cheating.
I don't think you guys realize how critical sex is to men. It's truly a need with a capital N.
People should have the same sympathy for men not getting sex while in a marriage as they have for women who don't feel like sleeping with the man because her needs aren't met. The vast majority of everything men do is to attain sex. We build ourselves up, get in shape, make money, learn how to talk to women, become confident, achieve greatness, etc. all of that primarily to obtain sex. Now imagine doing all of that, committing to one woman and being punished by having sex withheld while in a committed relationship.
I'm not saying I don't have sympathy for a woman not feeling it because she doesn't feel like her needs are met. But what I am saying is that withholding it will likely exacerbate every existing issue and lead to the dissolution of the marriage.
Emotially abusive can just be thrown around like anything, this docs a simp.
@TLPWRlifter Ummm....I didn't say I didn't sleep with him. Not sure about caller, but I wasn't withholding.😅 I can laugh now that I have passed all of the trauma, and I'm truly happy now. But in my case, my husband married me bringing in a porn addiction. I didn't know how bad it was until later after we married and I caught him.
Sir, if you're struggling in that area....it's a death trap to your emotions, intimacy, and compassion to understand another person. Those types of quickies are self destructive....every single time. If you have a wife, talk to her truthfully and get help. If you aren't with someone yet and want a wife one day, get help now. Don't drag that invisible beast into your marriage. It will kill it and damage her and you.
The body needs emotional and physical safety in order to experience arousal. What I’m hearing is that her husband is mean to her. That is not an environment where desire can thrive. She is asking what’s wrong with her. Probably nothing. Her body just doesn’t like the emotional abuse. Please find someone who is kind. He’s not going to change. The sooner you accept this, the less time you’ll waste. The good news is that the world is full of wonderful, kind people. ❤
@angelic welll, which came first? The chicken or the egg? Was he mean to her First? Or is he mean to her after time after time she will not have sex with him? hmmm. If it's the latter, you really can't blame him. (well, he shouldnt be mean, but I can certainly understand really frustrated.)
@@girlygirl1890she was a virgin when she married, zero chance he openly discussed his needs or desires, most people don’t. And she didn’t know what to expect or even what her needs and desires are because she was a virgin!!! If he is mean because he isn’t getting what he wants that’s abuse. He should be willing to go to any lengths to help their relationship, that includes a sex therapist if need be. Not all females are 304s before trapping a man in marriage. Some, like this gal are virgins, very very rare, like unicorn rare. Way more desirable than some 304.
@@michellesimmons3150 You are absolutely correct. Silly me...I don't know HOW I missed the fact that she was a virgin during that call. But I did. I didn't even hear that part, somehow. But anyhow, yes, since she was a virgin, then she wouldn't have known. On the other hand though, I think, to be fair to him, either work on the issue seriously to see if something can be done to meet BOTH peoples needs, or let him go because that's still not fair to him. He did not sign up for that. Blessings.
It’s situational, I’ve literally tested this and have gotten opposite results you stated. I’ve tried being nice and caring and basically being mister nice guy to my girl and sex is far and few between. Then I’ve turned into an ass hole and been distant and give her no attention and she clams to please me in the bedroom. Toxic I know, really not how I want to be but it gets results in the bedroom. You woman can’t be figured out. You say one thing then immediately turn around and do another thing alot of times completely opposite of what you say you want. Woman can get out of your own way most of the time. 🤷🏼♂️
@@mxusa8383 There is a middle ground here
Girls don't go for the nice guys. Nice guys let girls lead them, and what girl wants to be the leader?
Going for the jerk is overreaction, at least the guy is confident and can take care of himself! And yet, we know it's wrong
So what's the middle ground?
A saint with balls. Think Nehemiah, peter, or mufasa from the lion king
It's sad that she got away from her father, only to run to the arms of another version of him.
That's how it usually goes.
And if we spoke to him, we'll find, she's an image of his mother in some way.
That was the EXACT situation with my ex. Praise God I’m finally living with a safe family (not by blood), and that I’m unlearning that stuff.
Talking to a handsome guy right now, whom FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I have felt **safe** being myself around him. No rush to commitment and no real offense if I am not making him happy. Being myself was not enough for my father and ex.
It is LIBERATING!! We’re not married, and he’s treating it that way! My ex had “marriage expectations” without the ring
@@aprilwashington3150OMG!! This too! I met my ex’s mother, and she was like me in a lot of ways. His respect for her was all over the place. That’s how it felt with me.
One day I’m beautiful and kind, and then the next day I am not “conventionally attractive” and I’m somehow manipulative and a hypocrite?? 😵💫 One day, he admires his mom. The next day, he saw her as a child.
I’ll try not to go too much into, since this is the internet and it’s not their business 😂
If you expect to have a functioning household there are standards that have to be met. Telling someone that they need to pick up more slack or need to look or behave a certain way isn’t abuse.
@@deutscherfischer55 That doesn’t seem to be what is going on there AT ALL
My husband was a complete, 100% a**hole. He disgusted me, hence I hated being intimate with him. I finally divorced the abusive narcissist. Best decision I have ever made in my life.
You married him. Must have not always been that way. I’m sure you played a part.
Now you live an adultress life style, and whoever you are with will be an adulterer. Sad really. Divorce should never be an option. Problem in society in 2024.
@@barrylastname8793 I wouldn’t say it should never be an option but it seems like women in mass never take responsibility for their part. They paint this picture that all their actions, words, and behaviors during the marriage were all above board and it was the man who created and made all the mistakes.
@@barrylastname8793what???
@@BChaz52that’s an extremely misogynistic statement
I love that he mentions to get her hormones checked. So many people don’t even consider that. But I also love that he addresses that she doesn’t feel safe with him. Feeling safe is so important for literally every part of your life
Men. You don’t have to accept a sexless marriage, divorce them.
And start your life again, while paying for someone elses.
If your husband treats you one way when you’re dating and then treat you differently. Once you’re married he shouldn’t be surprised if you’re emotional and physical response to him also changes.
Women should also look at the way their partners treat other people before getting married. If he's a jerk to others, but sweet to her, he could easily become a jerk to her once they are married.
@@MeAVE243right! I noticed my fiancé being really rude and weird to others. Not gonna keep him in my life anymore. He turned on me slowly too and I know if we’d actually yet married he’d get worse
@tutibritney I hope you're doing well now! I imagine it's not a pain-free decision, but it makes sense to choose yourself and choose respect. 💛
For lots of women, they need intimacy in the way of affection, laughing, talking, caring for one another before making love. And within a marriage, one would hope it was indeed “making love” for the most part. (I know sometimes you just “do it” 😂)
So much discussion on here is about “having sex”, and basically the physical aspect and how men would get a divorce if not getting sex a few times a week or whatever. What about creating a deeper bond first and allowing the love making to come from that space?
Because otherwise it can be just like mutual masturbation. Not that that is “bad”. But not deeply fulfilling.
Deeply fulfilling and connected sex=the ultimate!
I know, if men demand their sexual intimacy because they need it, imagine being a woman and NEVER getting the intimacy they need.
@@brittany7573Go poly 😎
It's not even like mututal masturbation, it's just one partner using the other to get off (in the case of one partner wanting it and the other doing it out of duty).
And I am honestly surprised by the number of men saying their women need to provide it like it's a chore to be done. I can't imagine slweping with someone that would rather not sleep with me if given the free choice.
The problem is, her husband does this, he's still likely not to get any sex.
@@lolasonne1772 Yeah, it`s disturbing to hear that these men think it`s a chore their wife has to do. First of all: That`s rape. Second: They seem not to be aware that women actually enjoy sex when they are not with a selfish, forcing asshole of a man.
The first woman sounds so kind and she knows. I wish her strength and a good decision.
Things for this woman to consider:
>Responsive vs spontaneous arousal
>A woman's natural diffuse awareness- environment needs to be appealing to the senses.
>The TYPE of sex is likley very masculine energy driven and for women, over time it's not sustainable. There's other ways. Other pleasure pathways. Other approaches to sex.
>The female anatomy and journey of arousal is very different to the male approach. The feminine requires time and a lot of it.
>Empowered and Conscious Communication is key
>Psycho-emotional-sexual connection is important. Women need to feel emotionally safe and mentally stimulated by someone in order to feel turned on by them.
>Tantra and somatic body work are amazing.
>starting with yourself,your own sexual healing, awakening and empowerment first.
>Both people need to put the effort and work in to creating amazing sex-lives. It cannot be all on ONE person to do the work.
>Diet and life style. Nourish your body, mind and being.
♡
It's can literally be that she is a natural sensual sex haver but the guy only knows how to jack hammer
John i love how you hold space for people, you rock man
Oh my! So glad this came across my feed today! I felt like I was hearing myself through the caller! Thanks for the video!
Me too!
Me too!!!
Imagine being a guy, and all of a sudden, u get married, and your wife says nope... lol feels bad man
Then calls you "abusive" if you dare try to talk about it.
I think we need to be real careful on what we label as abuse…sometimes a difficult but necessary conversation needs to happen and if someone doesn’t like it…that shouldn’t be labeled as abuse…
Powerful conversation. Glad there is somewhere like this that people feel safe enough to make the leap to ask for support.
I never consideed my ex wife emotionally abussice because i never let it get there.
But after she left i realized it was abuse non the less.
Dr. John is so insightful .... Such a breathe of fresh air
I learned to despise sex with my ex however
He was coercive , pressuring and refused to listen to what I want and if he did something I didn’t like I’d tell him and he would blow up and say I don’t like anything and leave the room. So yea I didn’t want it.
We really need to have both people in this conversation to form an opinion
My ex talked a good game. Insanely romantic and invested, but he wouldn't take a damn shower. There came a moment when I was really trying. I came into the room and he lifted the cover with a "come hither" look. The smell almost knocked me over. I slumped to the floor and cried. This is one of many reasons most people don't know what went wrong.
@@pixel9548 That's so gross, and that could give you a yeast infection! I'm sorry that you went through that. How selfish.
@@pixel9548 I would grab a bucket of soapy water and throw it at him😂😂 But the truth is sometimes there's a spirit attach to him that's dirty like lustful spirit reason he likes to be dirty.
Well when she gives you 50 no’s. And 2 yes. What do you do?
@@Legacy4magic well if you love her you find out what’s going on. Look at yourself and what you are doing or not doing. Talk to her
The problem is that women can list anything they want to as “abuse”. Him telling her they’re not spending $12k on bags could be labeled as abuse. A man telling her she needs to get her emotions in check can be labeled as abuse. I’ve seen these things first-hand. You need to get real life examples from her life. Have the husband give his point of view. People here are making wild accusations against this husband without knowing hardly any information at all.
Those things depend on context. $12k on a purse is unreasonable, however if she earns enough money to pay for it and pay all her billls/portion of the bills and not putting them at risk for debt then she should be able to purchase it if she wants and him telling her ‘no’, can be abusive if he’s dictating what she’s buying. If they’re struggling or she has an issue with money where there’s no real back up financial support to buy it, then no it’s not abusive, it’s a concerned partner voicing an opinion.
A man telling a woman to ‘get her emotions in check.’ Well that’s a big one, and no matter how you swing that if that exact phrase is said it’s not positive. It shouldn’t be said like that ever because it is in fact verbally abusive.
In this context if she’s saying that what he’s doing is making her feel unsafe and that she needs to defend herself around him and it’s killing her emotionally and her physical connection with him AND she’s hesitant to admit that that’s what it is, then it’s probably it. There’s no real other reason why you shouldn’t feel safe or emotionally trust your partner.
Finally a logical comment.
As a woman I was stuck in a sexless marriage it happens to women as well. So glad I left! It’s misery. My husband was just like hers and controlled intimacy and weaponized it. I hope she able to figure this out she’s in a though place.
😏
You made the right choice.
@@heroldjaras9909 it does happen to a lotta women too, their husbands get disinterested in sex and would rather spend their free time gaming or lounging. Some men have low libido too.
@@hillsideonly their wives get fat.
A lot of times that’s from porn too
i've never heard of a couple having more sex after they got married.
That one made me laugh!!! Well played…
I feel this girl. Everything she said, I have experienced. Especially once having kids. And it took awhile for it to get good and fun and all that it should be. Its so difficult for some of us to enjoy it, and its hard to be vulnerable and communicate and figure out what you like and your partner likes and getting comfortable with that situation and being able to let go. And I have serious hormonal regulation issues. So great advice from John on getting checked out. I wish I had done that in my 20s. It would have made things so much easier.
We don’t wait long enough to get married. I’ve been divorced twice. I didn’t wait. I didn’t ask the right questions. I ignored bad behavior. Ignored my own demons. Of course it didn’t work.
Seems like you’re the common denominator
Hope things get better
@@koop2.1.5 This is such a stupid demon invested response and makes me want to wish that everything you do will give you inexplicable pain and grief until you grow up. You are disgusting and unkind and must be really smelly in real life. Eeeekkk 🤮🤮🤮 common denominator is you and your demonic spirit of unkindness. Terrible person!
I can relate, I did the same thing.
" your body is trying to protect you " 💜
Yeeeeeeeeeei
My husband is the best. He does everything for our family. I’m a stay at home mom and he still helps around the house and with the kids as much as he can. I struggle with finding the desire to have sex because our sex life was incredible before having kids. I am still struggling with postpartum depression and also breastfeeding so I get touched out a lot. Hopefully it’ll go back to what it once was!
This is very relatable. I am also a stay at home mom with a wonderful husband. When I am pregnant my drive is through the roof, then baby is born and BOOM I feel like I could go months and not care (obviously I don’t put him through that). I breastfeed over a year each time and always look forward to when I stop breast-feeding so I can get my libido back. Sure enough a year passes after stopping breastfeeding each time and I feel no different. Seems to be getting worse as I get older. I am pregnant with baby number 4 and here I am with a strong sex drive and just telling my husband let’s embrace it as much as we can before it’s over 😭😭 I love him so much it makes me devastated that I will have to try my best to make him think I want it when he knows me better and knows my drive comes to a halt.
ITS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU. GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF.
@@RichieRich-pn3gg lol ok richierich
If I was an attorney, I would be saying, leading the witness all day long. Very little information outside of the fact that she said he was “nitpicky”, and then led her to say he is “abusive”.
Come on dr John, you need a lot better evidence to jump to conclusions of being abusive.
Availability bias in research and medicine. I agree I’m not swayed much by this talk beyond the fact that yeah they do need marriage counseling.
Right husband should get to walk away free and clear if she isn't holding up her end of the deal why should he
yeahhh but you’re not an attorney and you’re not a psychologist or counselor…. he has a literal doctorate in figuring out what people aren’t saying, what’s they’re really thinking, what they need. is he perfect, no. but calling it leading is bullshit. look at any of his calls with the abuser in the situation… he hardly holds them accountable at all.
The husband is a just being the way he knows how to be and it's clear she hasn't had a single conversation on what he needs to work on
He is a beta simp.
This was such an excellent response by Dr. John - a completely antithetical approach to the advice given to a husband in a different video (the one where he tells the husband that 'your wife doesn't give a crap about you' based on similar couple dynamics).
One thing to mention - going years without sex within marriage creates the very dynamic with behavior that simply puts gasoline on the fire that feeds disconnection. When you reject, avoid and neglect your partner for WHATEVER reason you have in your head - you are destabilizing your relationship, little by little. I spent years (almost 15) not getting communication or any kind of feedback on why my spouse simply went away. It frustrates you, makes you angry, bitter and resentful - it only serves to further make problems in your marriage and eats away at you without even the closure of why..... You finally reach a breaking point and either give up, or fight it out, or leave.
Sex is overrated. I prefer solitude and peace and quiet. I've evolved past my basic animal instincts.
Found the basement dweller
60 yr old man hear. I do not concur.
I agree 100%
@@nsparacino or the person that's happy with their life, happy in their own skin, and happy on their own without being lonely?
She hasn't had sex long enough to know about having sex. I was a Virgin when I met my husband and I didn't really like sex, but after many years and a positive change in his behavior, I wanted to have it, and would find myself thinking about it a lot.
Communication and mutual respect is so important. Sharing intimacy in marriage takes great care for one another to make it rewarding. Trust is a critical element to intimacy.
In a long term relationship, sex is only 10%, unless it's bad. Then it's 90%.
The question is rarely asked: Why do a lot of men have the same problem???
It’s not just one sided as is constantly stated in many videos.
Ask the man of the extreme frustration of no sex and maybe the reaction is not good but there’s no good remedy to lack of frustration and the problem relating to that.
I’m not saying men are not wrong but women need to put their hand up and take their responsibility for some of the problems.
Like what? Being emotionally abused? 🙄
@AnnafromHungarylvNW yes, her mask slipped at 10:50
I can be a nitpicky person and when our marriage was In earlier stages It did impact our sex life some....letting some things not bother me and being less of a nitpicking person has definitely helped sex life with wife.....married 12 years now. Some guys have to learn this about marriage. Guys are always in mood for sex usually...but women won't get in mood if relationship is having a bunch of turbulence generally.
Not unless it's a really hot guy, they women always seem to be in the mood.
@@humansvd3269even then after sometime they get bored
I totally understand. I am on Blood Pressure meds and meds for depression, which makes it impossible. I know that this needs to change for my husbands sake and the sake of our marriage. I know it is important to him. I feel like such an ice queen. Which is his nickname for me.
This is why dating is better than marriage.
This is the first time I’ve come across your channel. I am so moved by how this is a man but actually looking at both sides and being realistic. You are such a breath of fresh air in this podcast bro era.
Also to the lady who called in. I had a similar dad. Very emotionally neglectful and scary but never did anything society would deem as abusive. I started therapy and I felt so much vindication when my therapist told me that a father shouldn’t make you want to disappear. It was abuse. Acknowledging that is so tough because it almost gives you this sense of pride that you were able to react to the emotional abuse in a way that made seem resilient or unbothered, because it was never a safe space for you to feel like the victim.
Realising this doesn’t mean you have to blame or be angry at your dad, rather it’s helping you face the truth and avoid the people who will treat you with the same emotional callousness.
Thank you for commenting this. This is exactly how it is with my dad. When you used the word “disappear,” it made me remember when I didn’t want to exist, because it was too painful to have my existence be such a burden to my family.
I don’t want to stay angry and hate him all my life. I love Jesus, and I want to be as forgiving as He is. It’s hard, but I trust it will be worth it. I now love myself enough to heal, because it is the goodness of God that drives people to true repentance. Not fear and shame. Fear is exhausting; Love is FUEL
I don’t need to pretend my dad did everything right. That’s not what forgiveness looks like ❤❤❤
My ex had an addictive personality and was "very particular" about _everything,_ and nit-picked a lot (complaining) almost made me go crazy. I DID become his "mommy" and it was gross and awful.
WOW!!!! Your dad!!! Girl! That was with me too! It was like I was dealing with my dad. I had an angry, scary dad as a kid and I was the peacemaker as well.
Codependent.
Peacemaker.
The always "yes" girl.
No boundaries.
Feeling responsible for others emotional or familial atmosphere.
Dang, John!!! You hit it!
"I cannot stand before you naked (and I'll add: LET YOU INTO MY BODY) when you criticize me all the time! I don't feel safe in this marriage."
I didn't realize that I didn't feel safe in my first marriage. I was so focused on him and so disconnected with myself....I didn't notice 😢
Same here.. so tired of being the diplomatic mission for the family
the question, so this video makes me realize that I might be nit-picking at my girl a little bit, how do I improve this. some context I was a ugly duckling and didn't get attention from women until 22 yo, my coping mechanism was to become ripped thus I became very particular about fitness and grooming. living like that has become my norm, but she is way more relaxed about it, how do I tell her that I find cleanliness and physical fitness more attractive even in older years? FYI I don't want a IG model but I don't want someone whose stomach hangs more out than her breasts, shes got small ones but I find them cute regardless. also she doesn't have any sex appeal cuz she is the more Christian type of girl, where as I had to learn to be a fboi.
@@devankurmitra4118Leave her and let her find a man who loves her for who she is. That’s what you can do.
Same
@@devankurmitra4118she's not for you. You don't even like her. Go find someone you like and stop abusing this poor girl.
The first thought that came to my mind is her husband is not a loving man.
Omg. Sounds like my husband. Men dont change. If you are truely unhappy leave....you are so young. Dont waste your life like me. Girl run.
Men don't change? Ok....
Women don’t change either
Sounds like you might be the problem, too
Damn... poor thing. Her daddy was abusive and now her husband is. She was taught that love is pain and she sought someone who shows her exactly what her dad did.
For a guy with the screen name ineedhoez you don’t have much street smarts. She said her father WASN’T abusive, he was “rough around the edges”.
And to even say that Delony had to browbeat her. She and Delony are just making up excuses for being abusive towards her husband, that’s all.
@@reggiejenkins6458 wouldn’t say she’s abusive towards her husband and I don’t think he’s abusive towards her neither. Dude is probably just irritated cause he’s sexually frustrated
I see why you need hoez. You a simp
@@cptfreeman8966 she is the abusive one. Marrying a man and withholding sex is abuse on every level. When you add in the fact it’s literally for no reason, this woman comes off as mildly evil.
@@reggiejenkins6458 she said he was emotionally abusive later on.
I want to heat his side of the story, not just hers, he prob is feeling unwanted, prob doing alot of stuff for her, hiding his problems and is hurting on the inside, doesn't want to seem weak, doesn't know how to express him self, wants to be romantic and intimate, but with everything happing, and that not happing for him, he does things she doesn't like, and leads to more problems, there is always two sides to every story, they need to sit down independently with a councilor and get everything off there chests, then the councilor needs to tell there story's to there partner. With put that person in the room, then bring both in the room and let them both spread from the heart
With me it was a hormonal imbalance. My husband is wonderful and I was the “don’t touch me”. It’s sad because doctors don’t look at hormone imbalances in women until peri and post menopause.
0 testosterone
HRT has been a game changer. Women need to advocate for themselves at a much younger age.
It sounds like the caller might have Responsive Desire, which is much more prevalent than people think. It's when you don't experience desire until you feel arousal.
Most women have responsive desire - they only want to have sex with the right guy under the right circumstances. Most men have proactive desire - we're generally ready to go with most women at any given time.
She just doesn't want to have sex with her husband because she married someone like her father whom she subconsciously resents and her remaining a virgin till her 20s has made it far easier to hold back her desire.
Interesting good point!
Same thing
Yes. This is most definitely a thing in many women I think. Instead of saying no, it can help to take things slowly until the desire catches up between the body and the brain
If you dont enjoy it, then it's not being done correctly. If you are not satisfied and don't feel cared for or paid attention to during it, then why on earth would you want to do it again? "If you don't like it, I hate it." "I'm not an animal, I don't steal." "I enjoy cuddling too- you don't owe me anything" was what my husband told me. It surprised me as my father was a butt and taught a lot of lies. Those sort of conversations are required. If he's a butt, then yeah exactly, your body protects itself when you don't- and it protects your future kids.
She married a man who let her stay a virgin without pressuring her and now he's a jerk...WTF. He needs to hear this and stop wasting his time...
Exactly! He waited and he's still not getting any! He's just a resource. Typical Tradcuck Delony.
No kidding,what a fucking joke
" ...who let her stay a virgin"...wow superman I hope you take a look at your grandiosity and get that checked out. Entitlement next level
I would love to have him explain how he believes a husband should communicate to his wife that he is upset about something.
It's amazing how fast it went from her having a problem, to It's all her husband's fault, unbelievable
It's also amazing how she will fully expect her husband to provide ALL of his resources to provide for and protect her.
@@ThomasDavis-e4g wtf it sounds like this guy sucks though. If he's not making her feel safe there's a problem with his ability to relate to her.
@@TheAfterbreak wow a man hater
@@TheAfterbreak you're disgusting
@@ThomasDavis-e4gProtect her from what himself!!!
She is brave and self aware for 25 years old , doctor is great, hope her issue got resolved 🥺
Going to war is brave. This is not brave.
@@TheMainMan364going to war for a country that doesn't care for you is called, retarded .
@@TheMainMan364she means brave for a woman
Yes
@@funicon3689brave but couldnt even say one thing he criticises her for?
Headline -"Woman says she has no interest in sex with her husband."
Men: Tell us something we don't know.
Bro, I work from home and watch the kids primarily so she can take naps. My wife hasn’t touched a gas pump since we’ve been married. I keep her car gassed up and washed. I help her cook. I give her words of affirmation for her job. And still NOTHING!
I don’t know what to do!
Yeah you’ve essentially deprived yourself of sex by doing everything that turns a woman off. Contrary to what the media would have you believe, “good husbands” who serve and supplicate before their wives.
Grow a pair of balls, regain your masculinity, stop serving your wife, giving her un-earned validation and doing everything around the house, she can pump her own gas. Spend lesser time in the house, get an outdoor hobby and learn to say No and be willing to lose her, after all what good is a wife who won’t even sleep with you.
Gosh. Sex is almost always bad before it’s good for women. And it’s almost always good from the start for men.
A good man is aware of this, and works to help his woman get to the “good” part of sex. This woman’s husband doesn’t seem to understand this. He’s never going to get sex if he can’t focus on her pleasure.
This host knows how to always take the phone caller's side of the story, you don't know the full story, in fact this host forced the caller to claim her husbnnd is abusive, eventhough she doesn't believe her husband is abusive, he's not physical or emotional or explosive, but this so-called Dr John has immediately painted her husband as abusive because he disagrees with her on things.
This is a NEW marriage, just over 1 year old marriage, they're both learning how to compromise, while her husband is obviously frustrated because she doesn't enjoy his intimacy, but that's as far as it goes and she even says he's not "abusive", just picky.
The first advice on seeking a medical expert to check he hormones and biological/psychological link to sex was the best advice and should've stopped there, he should've asked more questions on her husband's character instead of painting him out to be the one at fault. If he called in explaining his side first, this DR JOHN would take HIS SIDE.
When a woman falls in love she does not act like this. Her man brings out all that desire in her and the light bulb turns on. She turns into a feminine sexual loving woman with the right man. These people just didn't marry the correct people.
Spot on. She probably shouldn't have married him. I feel like unfortunately, she overlooked some red flags before she married him - and now they're both paying for it in their sex life. Plus she hasn't healed from her own childhood trauma. He probably felt 'familiar' to her and so the trauma gets repeated again. It's sad... I hope they can resolve it & save their marriage - or move on separately & peacefully before any kids come along. ❤
Same thing, it feels like I’m being violated…. Cheating hurts… And has ruined my frame of mind towards her… I just can’t, anymore…
Sounds like she doesn’t like being with her husband. Pack a bag and find somebody else that treats you better.
So it's ok to divorce her husband? This is the stupid female mentality thsts killing marriages . This js why alot of women will be buying a dog and dying alone
@@scaldon2 I’m happier married. But I grew up watching my mother being treated badly by men. If you never lived through it then I don’t expect you to get it. It’s not feminism attitude or being single with a dog. My family lost years of our lives we’ll never get back. If you’re not happy in your marriage you shouldn’t feel forced to stay. There are a lot of good men out there. And she’s young.
She needs time alone first, to figure out how to be her full self in a relationship and not end up with another version of her father.
NO, she needs to leave men the hell alone. No man deserves to have her in their lives.
Yes, that’s what he should do.
Natural family planning (Fertility Awareness Method) is awesome if both people are on board. We were married for 6 years before trying to have kids. When we decided it was time we were pregnant in 1.5 months and we spaced all 5 kids 2 years apart and haven't had one since deciding we're done. If both people understand and are on board it works. 😊 20 years now.
Something nobody has talked about in the comments yet is financial issues. Ever since we had our child and started daycare we have been broke. But my wife feels attacked when I criticize her buying shoes and clothes and a bunch of stuff I feel like we don't need. My logical man brain says why can't you just stop shopping for the good of the family but she says it's the only joy she has. How do I be supportive when a majority of her plans are ways to spend money?
The bigger issue: "it's the only joy she has." Help her get in touch with other joys. Criticizing will only make her double down because she needs a source of joy and that's what she has... help her find new joy, and watch her need for shopping decrease.
Show her how to have free fun
It's so sad when sex just becomes a chore. Or just a way to get rid of an itch.
The foreplay starts with creating a situation and an atmosphere where attraction can spire. Anticipation, playfulness and laughter are good ingredients. Manage things that are distracting to you, be it piles of dish, stressful worksituation, or kids. Both need to participate and not sabotage it by purpose.
If you already have attraction you don’t need to do much, but if there is low attraction you need more. You may need to repeat this several times before your partner recognizes that he/she can relax in and where it is possible to feel attraction.
Wow. Exactly what I experienced in my marriage. Thanks for this.
This is the worst call and response I listened to on this channel! She didn't call about her so-called abuse husband, she called because she doesn't like sex and she's married. At the end of the day, it's always the man's fault. This is depressing. Than people wonder why men don't want long-term relationship or marriage.
Exactly
Maybe you don’t want to hear the truth? Women who don’t wanna have sex it’s because the man created that environment. That’s just the truth. Women are emotional men are physical.
Yep, gross to hear in my opinion.
He coached her to start thinking he's abusing her in real time.
From a personal experience-sex drive diminishes when you gain weight, at least in my body. Also some medications tend to diminish sex drive, so it could be a side effect. Maybe she is not too overweight but out of shape. Also maybe she takes it as a chore all together rather then telling her partner that she wants more foreplay and a romantic setting, like a romantic massage with candles with lots of touch first, maybe take a bath together with lots of bubbles. It also been proven that female desire is cultivated during the whole day, so plan a date and your husband should focus on tending to you throughout all day, like giving a compliment, fulfilling your love language, touching, holding hands, talking, and culmination in the evening. Some women have sexual blockages due to sexual trauma.
As a man.... This is a nightmare. Scary stuff. No man wants this horrible situation.
No man? May be some men need to know that Romance begins from the moment you wake up in the morning and if you are being a jerk the whole day and expect intimacy later at night? Her body is already shut down by the time you desire sexual intimacy. People need to just be nice and kind to their partners.
@imans3899 the problem starts when women have an idea of romance picked up from movies and novels, it's the female equivalent of porn addiction.
If it's not literally a scene out of the Notebook, they don't consider it "enough"
She can’t say yes because it’s doesn’t seem like abuse to her but he downgrades her in a way and doesn’t make her feel truly loved like a man should when he’s married to his woman.
Good point
He's a dbag. That will turn any woman cold--at least with self-esteem.
This is a common issue among women like her. I lost count of women, including myself who had sex for the first time and was over it after the 3rd time. Sexual chemistry is important, especially for women bc if she’s not feeling you, you’re on your own! And what a time to find out, after you’re married! They have to create and build chemistry and desire bc compatibility isn’t there. All the best to her!
Just wish adults,both men and women who had no interest in sex wouldn't take marriage vows to begin with, a lot of would be divorces could have been avoided. People need to be very honest on issues sex related (as with other things) before going ahead to take vows
Yep, my wife of 17 years lost weight, cheated and kicked me out in September. I was always attracted to her no matter her size. Either way I’m ghosted and living in my dad’s garage at 45 years old. I lost her, the home and life I invested in for so many years… my stepdaughter is 19 and in college online, still lives there. She won’t speak to me either
This is exactly why you test drive a car before you buy it.
@@paulokello5981How are people waiting until marriage supposed to do that though?
@blisterwort you don't have to have sex before marriage to know whether or not you're attracted to a potential spouse. If you feel zero toward them when it comes to intimacy, even if you haven't had sex with the person, you will just know there's no attraction and call it off if you're honest with yourself.
One thing not discussed a lot is how bad many men are in bed to the point where women have no sexual desire.
Some of it is technical, but often it's not technical it's a vibe they give off.. like an "entertain me" or "doing what you find sensual/sexual is not a turn on for me so i'm gonna rush through it consciously or subconsciously" OR many times its a vibe that's hard to put your finger on. And also, many times your body in a relationship is telling you what your mind and heart doesn't want to acknowledge regarding relationship issues
"its a vibe you cant put your finger on"
do you realize how ridiculous you sound
Most of it is emotionally charged for women. My man wasn't the best when we first met but 9 years later, even after 3 children our intimacy is top notch because we have grown to know eachother. I respect him, he respects me and that is the driving force behind a good sex life. So saying most 14:45 men aren't "good" in bed is completely false. It's dependent on many other variables for women.
She sounds like such a smart, grounded woman who deep down knows but is having a hard time believing the truth. She’s with the wrong person. I hope she finds the strength to walk away and start fresh! ❤
I applaud this woman and the advice given.
A lot of women don’t sexually peak until their 30s. I was one of them. I had zero sex drive in my younger years. In my early 30s everything changed.
What do you attribute that to?
@@whitneyw.7919 hormones. Women tend to peek sexually in their 30's and 40's
I wish that was me. My sex drive was crazy high when I was younger, and now that I'm married & my husband wants it all the time, I have little drive anymore. My hormones were high in my early 20s & went down from there.
Whitney- knowing your own body, what makes you orgasm. Feeling secure mentally. Being with a loving partner
@@jasminemariedarling This is also typical. Women use their sexuality to secure a man and once they have that man locked down, they tend to feel less need to be sexual. Many do this intentionally (bait and switch) but I also think it is subconscious to some degree as well. So once a woman has what she was trying to get, she no longer puts out what it took to get it. Regarding attracting her man, she feels like she no longer needs to keep putting out the honey because she already trapped the bee.
BTW, this is also why women have no problem getting a man but most have a hard time KEEPING a man. Because most men feel deceived and bait/switched after being provided tons of sex at the beginning, then getting less and less even though he just gave you access to his income, assets, time, and loyalty.
"Gender Roles" is the biggest red flag. If he's a jerk, leave ASAP because it will only get worse and harder to leave. You're 15 months in. You should still be in the honeymoon phase.
No sex, no honeymoon phase.
@user-he6rs8xi7u Sex is not all there is to intimacy, it should be the cherry on top not the whole sundae.
Agreed
This is why you don’t marry virgins. Just kidding 😂😴
Lost that decision when she got married. Start doing the work as a team and fix the marriage
After 42 years of marriage. My wife announces she no longer wants to have sex. I am lost without this intimate connection with her.
Damn, probably that will be my future. I need to mentally prepare
I’m the one who doesn’t want sex anymore & we’re 42 yrs married. It became this way after my husband (he’s been a quadriplegic since we married) got a bad sore on his butt. It was life threatening and he got a colostomy and now uses a Foley catheter. I’m his 24/7 caregiver. We had a great sex life before this wound. It’s been 8 yrs of caregiving and I’m just not into sex anymore. He takes the stupid blue pill, meanwhile I am wiped out tired & he’s wanting to feel like a man again! Well, I want to feel like the wife again and not the nurse! It’s not fair, I feel so bad for him, but I also don’t care 😢
@@jeanineberna8458 I understand their are extenuating circunstances related to physical & even mental health issues, but when your otherwise healthy wife chooses to never engage with you sexually again, but still wants the "friend" & security benefits, that really hurts because part of the marriage commitment ha been broken. I have decided to try and stay in the relationship with without breaking my commitments to her to be faithful, but the lack of sexual intimacy makes this very difficult, physically & mentally.