Steven Seagal Is Out Of His Mind | Tom Segura Stand Up Comedy | "Completely Normal" on Netflix
Вставка
- Опубліковано 24 чер 2021
- Tom Segura talks about one of the most insane celebrities in the world: Steven Seagal. Watch the full stand up comedy special “Completely Normal” on Netflix.
tomsegura.com/ - Комедії
I met Steven Seagal once and he told me it was the best experience of my life
LMFAOOOOOOO
🤣🤣🤣🤣
😂
I was with him and he was a real Budoka.
😆 🤣 😂
Steven Seagal knows Karate, Judo, Jujitsu, Kung Fu and at least 20 other dangerous words.
You made my fucking day thanks man
Stolen
Either you copying and pasting this or you stole this. I see this on every video about Steven Segal.
I never claimed to have made this myself. I saw it ages ago, it made me laugh, so I thought I'd share it here. Sorry to dissapoint.
Hahaha
I could listen to this guy dunk on Seagal all day.
Seagal has been a Russian citizen for 7 years
Tom can't dunk. Just search "Tom Segura basketball" for proof.
@@DSAK55 and that's another good reason to dunk on him.
@@Light-Eateryup. That and he’s basically putin’s little b!tch…
I seen this 3 times already...never gets old... LoL
Seagal is literally the funniest guy of all-time without trying whatsoever.
He’s like *anyone* who can’t laugh at themselves …but says they love comedy.
👤 So a white guy and _(lists 10 offensive stereotypes)_ go out to eat…
🥋🗯️ _That’s TOTALLY how they are❗️_
👤🗯️ And they run into this fat guy … who looks like modern day Steven Seagal!
🥋🗯️ Get your stuff, we’re leaving. _This guy isn’t funny…._ *He’s offensive.* I’ll call my fellow officers and a gang of Asians and we’ll see if he ever tells that joke again.
Yeah he is a legend lol. cracks me 🆙
Besides Mike Tyson.
@@innateloopy279in his own mind
The last Steven Seagal movie I saw was an in-flight movie, and people still walked out.
ahahahahaha
DavidGX, I hope you give permission for Tom Segura to use your joke because it's hilarious and funnier than anything Tom just said. Thank you for the laugh.
ok that's fu 💀
😅
Brilliant!!!!
Seagal is an expert in so many things because he was born at such a young age.
Underrated comment!!
You can tell because of the way it is
OMG, my grandfather used to tell that joke, but it's still funny.
😂😂😂
@@zatoichi4449 My Dad too!!!
You know what's crazier? He made movies that people people paid to watch where he fights while sitting down. The guy is a genius.
TBF his 3 first movies in the 90's was bad ass - but all the crap after that was weak😂👌
@@colbymasvidal2397 Nä, jättedåliga!
He does the same with guitar
That’s two many people
Space Ice has joined the chat.
I love how Tom's impression of Steven Seagal's broken Spanish translated is: "Hello, a lot of cheese" LMFAO 🤣😂😂😂😂
I think my English is better than your Spanish...
No gracias 🤣🤣🤣
Well, to be honest, Seagull does look like a great big ball of fermented cheese ...
@@nigelft LMAO
Segura grew up speaking Spanish and spent his summers in Lima, Peru
@@DSAK55 yeah but Segal hasn't
Tom Segura is one of the best story tellers of all time. I should know, I’ve been listening to stories for 73 years.
lol
😂
underrated comment lmaoooo
😅😅😅
I've been watching this comment for 127 years
I can confirm everything he said is accurate. I've been on the internet for 34 years
No life.
Im black belt in ta co bell
🤣
@@danaplugaru2340 😎
You had internet back in '88 ?
Steven is the best actor since the 1880s. He literally never stops acting. Acting like he knows martial arts, directing, geopolitical situations, music and so much more. Seagal just can’t lose or die, or stand up. What an exceptional man.
Steven was born in 1812.
@@robroy6374
So he was old enough to fought the civil war?
yes.@@fajaradi1223
@@fajaradi1223 obviously, he got into a fist fight with Robert E Lee himself
He’s a 7th Dan black belt in Aikido confirmed by the Aikikai honbu dojo headquarters Japan 🇯🇵
That last throat kick was EPIC!😂😂😂😂
I honestly could listen to him talk about Steven Segal for an hour.
ua-cam.com/video/BzIHyF7UWY4/v-deo.html
It felt like a hour.
If you like this watch jontron ep on Steven segal
@@sacramentocheesehog9195 was going to tell him the same thing lol
@@lukefisher8417 you’re a man of substance :)
Steven can't help being an expert, he's been an expert for 87 years.
glad SOMEONE caught the big punchline. it wasn't racist, He can't help bowing!😉
I know it's a joke, but he's 70. Unless he was doing shit as a sperm cell or some shit, he's the biggest bullshitter.
@@andytay5507 🤣🤣🤣
now he's a russian war expert XD
@@gbxgbxgbx "My father was russian mongol so I'm a russian mongol"
5:26 "If somebody throws a punch just block it like that" No lie I lost FULL CONTROL of my octaves and facial muscles at that point!!!!🤣🤣🤣🤣
I totally burst out laughing with the "Hola... Mucho queso..." bit. Brilliant!
No, gracias... 😂 I'm dead rn!!!! 🤣😁😂
Steven Seagal: "That's the best script I've ever read."
Rob Schneider: "Who wrote it."
Steven Seagal: "I did."
Funniest story I heard about the guy.
The best story I heard was about a guy who played a priest that he kills in one of his movies. He said the first day on set the director approached him and said that Steven had a “spiritual awakening” and didn’t want to kill people in his movies anymore. This guy had to convince Steven that he was doing the character a favor by killing him, and it worked. Then down the line Steven started ad-libbing lines in about how he was glad he didn’t kill that priest, and they had to have him come back to record another line to show he was still alive.
@@sirezekiel6156 he also exploded some guy’s head in a movie and later on said “glad I didn’t kill (insert dude’s name).”
I heard that story on the Howard Stern show, and literally yesterday I told that story to someone. This is a synchronicity.😀
@@nathanbarnhart7823 Sir Richard Pumpaloaf?😀
ahh ye I heard Rob talking about that. HILARIOUS :D
When I met Steven Seagul, he already knew me for like 37 years
Oooo, not funny
How sad
@@JANvanX, way funnier than you though.
@@JANvanX has been a tool for like 20,000 years
How old are you?
Ha ha
😂 the last Steven seagal movie I saw he literally did the whole movie sitting down 🤦♂️ including the fight scenes 😂
somebody made a spoof steven seagal movie where they used cgi to add him in. in all the fight scenes they had him rolling around on an office chair with a handgun lol.
@@TiocfaidhArLa34 I heard he had a stunt double for walking on the stairs. 😅
@@V8AmericanMuscleCarthat's correct 👌
Steven Segal is a expert in comedy, hes been doing it for 80 years
The fact that Anderson Silva calls Steven Seagal his sensei and Seagal has 100% bought into it for over 10 years without being in on the joke whatsoever tells you everything you need to know about Steven Seagal.
Not everything
@@alexandrahopkinson1748 lol yeah people need to know about him shitting himself too
This isn’t very true, it’s well known in mma that he was paying Silva to be apart of his camp it was was 1 camp he’s been to a few other fights since. There is a old interview on Anderson talking about him paying to be apart of the camp.
Seagal taught Silva that front kick 😂
🤣🤣
Steven Segal has a blackbelt in going straight to DVD.
Bahahaha! >_
hahaha hilarious!!!!
Even with streaming, he still goes straight to DVD...lol!
He has been going straight to DVD for 25 years!
Best comment 🤣
If I'm ever in doubt I always ask myself: what would Seagal Do? And then I do the exact opposite.
"Welcome captain Kirk"
"Is he qualified to do this?"
"Oh you've seen him do all that shit" 💀😂🤣
Steven Seagal arranged for an interview, for himself, upon Brandon Lee's death. He proceeded to tell a camera crew that the folks on the set of the movie Brandon was filming called him before they called any medical professionals when the accident happened... and then told him he was amazing (while calling him 'master') for "somehow knowing" the gun had real bullets loaded. Seriously, go watch the interview. It wasn't about the tragedy of the situation, or an ode to Brandon, or condolences for the Lee family; nope...just to talk about how amazing he himself is.
He once claimed Van Damme was a "champion of nothing." Despite JCVD's known 19-2 record in full-contact tournaments prior to breaking into movies (both losses of which, he avenged). Van Damme then challenged Seagal to an MMA style fight in response to those comments, or at least one in the fashion of professional kickboxing with gloves and headgear. Steven declined.
People used to say that the black-and-white footage of Seagal at an Aikido dojo in Japan was proof of his greatness, because these old Japanese guys were bowing to him. Except...it's a requirement in that martial art and in that culture to bow to anyone who is a teacher. Seagal only "earned" the title because he married the daughter of a guy who was the owner of the dojo, not because he was a great student.
Steven Seagal is a legend in his own mind.
@@Sudas80 You do have to look around but it is true. Look for randori Steven Segal as the key words
@@Sudas80
ua-cam.com/video/k_wmwcLndu0/v-deo.html
full interview...
ua-cam.com/video/3YDvGy0-p9M/v-deo.html
Narcissists have a real talent for making any situation all about them. Absolutely shameless.
I’ve seen the interview with Seagal and everything in this comment is true.
Sensei Seagal is a real master martial artist. He taught me the art of bullshido for 69 years, and im only 34!
Aikido is the one martial art he is a black belt in.
Lmao
😂
Don't say BSdo. You have no idea what Bodo is.
Bullshido! Hahahahaahahah
Tom is definitely one of the best comedians in our generation
Triumph the Insult Comic Dog
I think this guy is hilarious because when I watch his podcast with his wife he acts just like his stand up he just naturally funny asf
Fun fact: Seagal once picked a fight with another martial artist on some movie set, who promptly choked him out.
He then shit his pants while passed out. He still denies this.
Good ol' Gene LeBell... 100% true story
Lebell, the god of Jiu-jitsu. He once pissed off JCVD at a party trying to humiliate him in front of the others, Van Dam called him out for a real fight outside of the house, he started smiling and saying he was just joking, fakedo man.
@@engineeringforlife1367 JCVD is a beast though…
Division: Middleweight
Style: Karate, Kickboxing, Muay Thai, Taekwondo
Rank: 2nd Dan Black Belt in Shotokan Karate
Years active: 1976-1982 (martial arts), 1979-present (acting)
Kickboxing Record: 19-1. 18 wins by KO
Amateur record: 44-4
Stallone said Seagal was running his mouth at JCVD’s house during a party. JCVD told Seagal to meet him out in the backyard. Seagal decided to leave the party and went to a club. JCVD followed him there and confronted him again. Seagal ran away again.
@@GhostDrummer this, this is true
Not a fact and probably didn't happen that way given on-set protocols, but he pissed enough people off in Hollywood that they freely repeat it.
Steven Seagal is the best actor ever. He's in character 24/7.
So was Obito from Naruto, and id rather give him the Oscar for best performance.
@@karlwikman3874 Lol.
god presents steven seagal as steven seagal in the life of steven seagal
@@gabrielpadilla7839 "God presents: Steven Seagal playing Steven Seagal in "The life of Steven Seagal"" good one
Method acting
Steven Seagal came up to me on the street once. He told me he had known me for the last 34 years.
As far as comedians go Toms delivery is second to none
The best part about this is not one joke was written, it’s just truth!
It was just Tom Segura watching cops and seeing Segal there one day and thought: "Hey I don't even need to come up with a joke, Segal just goes someplace opens his mouth and hilarity ensues.
When will modern day comedians LEARN that saying the F word doesn't make a joke any better. It OFTEN makes it less funny. This whole bit could have been a lot funnier if he took the F word out and used other words. Using the F word is just a lazy persons way.
You just explained most comedy
100% agree
That’s why I like Jim Gaffigan and Anthony Jeselnyk so much
@@trvman1 then don't watch
I thought that Seagal was some sort of spoof action hero until I realized he was trying to be serious the whole time 😂
Same
Hahahaha!
If he committed to that premise, he'd have been way more successful
I used to think his movies were funny until I realised they were supposed to be serious. Him trying to be half Jesus, half Bruce Lee was… peculiar.
On a positive note, he’s the only person who could make Sylvester Stallone look clever.
No you didn't. I mean the man's a loon for sure but you can't pretend you watched his 90's output thinking they were spoofs. Did you also think Naked Gun was a documentary?
I met Chuck Berry once. He told me Steven Seagal taught him how to play guitar when he was a kid. He even wrote most of his songs.
I died when he said kick him the throat lol lmfao
Gracias 🤣
I don’t care what anyone says about Steven Seagal, in my eyes the man is a legend at making us all laugh at him.
The galaxy brain comedy act.
That run 🤣😂😁😂🤣
That movie hard to kill…..he died 68 times during that film. Didn’t everyone love them armbreaks though? 🤣
Can I laugh in your face?
He’s certainly a lot more funnier at least what happened to him all the Selena surrounding him there’s a lot more funny than this character that’s for sure
Steven Seagal: enough about me, let’s talk about me…
Wooooh😂😂😂😂
This is borderline vanity
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Lol
😭🤣😂
I legitimately laughed
The mighty jingles sent me 😂
That was hilarious.
Time to return to the Salt Mine!
Steven Seagal is the living example of “fake it till you make it”.
But he's never made it though.
@@TheGhostbusterfan I think he made it in the early 90's. Wished he would have stopped the "faking it" part then. Since then, he's lost the "made it" part.
Actually that’s Brendan Schaub.
Wrong. Steven Seagl is the living example of "fake it."
Him and NBA Youngboy
Tom's white guy impersonation of a black guy being whiter than the black guy that Steven Seagal is pretending to be has always brought me joy
Excellent wording sir
👏👏👏
Well done!
I’m a dude, playing a dude, disguised as another dude
Win or lose, even if I lose, I'm not going to lose. - Michael Tarver.
your words gave me vertigo 😂
This is still one of the best bits ever
"I like Havarti cheese the most. What's your favorite?" 🤣
I wish he'd said "mucho". Roflmao 😂
Man he does a better Steven Seagal impression than Steven Seagal and he has been doing it for 60 years.
😆😅😂🤣
It's been 80 years.
@@bohannonorr7665 Damn
Let's face it: Mr. Seagal is a legend in his own mind.
Ultimate warrior reference? Nice
Yeah. I'm a big fan of Mr Seagull
sounds like CARDI B
Yes, but it's true, the dude is a legend. His soft spoken voice and how it can threaten yet also soothe. That dude is a genius
He is a legend!!
Who else is here after watching the Mighty Jingles video?
Wasn’t disappointed! This is hilarious. 😂
The havarti cheese line, broke my ribs laughing. Tom Segura is part of my top 10 favorite comics of all time.
HONESTLY, few years back Steven Seagal moved into our neighborhood in Southern California. The house he purchased was just down the street from the city dump in Santa Barbara County.. Once he moved in, he began complaining about trash trucks running up and down the street. This city dump it's been there for over 50 years. Thats the mentality of Steven Seagal. We were very happy when we discovered he moved out of town.
Some people don't get that's the whole reason the house was cheap.. Like buying next to an airport..
He lives in Russia now
This is a man who defends aikido, a martial art that has only few uses throws and disarms, but is mostly useless and inapplicable.
Yeah. 🙄 Good thing he gone.
before he moved to russia? what is a "few" years to you?
Alternative ending after "the kick": "What are you kicking a poodle?" Steven:"That's not a poodle, it's a shitzu boxer hound mix."
You should try writing comedy cause that was an actually good punchline with a callback
Nice call back
Well played. Good way to bring it back. (Which I guess is called a callback, based on these other comments.)
"...one of the world's most dangerous dogs, and I just neutralized it with one swift kick!"
So he would have to use Mixed Martial Arts ...
Thanks buddy. Best Steven Seagal impression ever. I laughed my A$$ off.
If I was in the audience, the moment Tom says 'Steven Seagal', I would've laughed immediately. No need to wait for the '... is crazy' part.
Steven always has that "whos that all the way over there?" Look on his face
Will Sasso has done AMAZING impressions of him on Mad TV 😂
@@zer08927 classic 🤣
segal is too easy the material writes itself
😂🤣🤣😂🤣😂
"Who's that over yonder"
Sorry I was late to the party, but thanks for roasting Seagal. Never gets old.
'Can I laugh in your face?' 😂
From now on, ALL helicopters I see shall be called “Skippies”
And if anyone asks why I will be so happy to tell them 😂 it goes skip skip skip
He was probably talking about the UH-1 "Huey". Which surprisingly isn't a BS story. I'm not trying to fact check a joke, just pointing out the source of it, and how it is more or less true.
@@jwj8201 get out of here steven
@@jwj8201 can u not ruin the joke? Thanks man
Skip skip skip skip skip
Segura doesn't know what he's talking about. i should know, I've been watching Steven Seagal movies for the last 68 years.
NONSENSE! He knows exactly what he's talking about and you're just shitposting. I should know, I've been shitposting in youtube comments for the last 160 years. I was the first one to shitpost on CNN's report on the assassination of Lincoln when it was recent news. In fact, I was there when he died. His last words were to me, he said, "don't believe everything you see on the internet. Also I hope it's not too late to unfree those slaves, let everyone know that was my last request."
Ya'll are trippin,'
I would know I've trippin' for 35 Years 😂
@@isaacmontoya9636 This thread is awesome! Keep them coming! I should know, I have been coming for 69 years.
... Steven? Is that you posting under an alias?
@@gertrudelaronge6864 Could be. After all I invented aliases, and have been using them successfully for 123 years.
It never gets old! Thank you I laughed my ass off again and again.
Bro I've watched this so many times it's hilarious thank you
Segal is the prime example of someone who could be a cool dude if they took themselves less seriously. Honestly, that's the whole reason he's a meme.
Yeah, thats the problem, he takes himself to seriously. Not that he's a rapist or massive piece of shit.
He’s an embarrassment
@@nissy9220 Funny, THATS what your mother told me last nite about YOU!? Is it Nissy92 or Sissy92 ????🤔
Same with Vin Diesel. He needs to chill out before he turns into another Steven Seagal.
@@Neil-de1fh i don’t watch his stuff, im watching someone else take the piss out of him. The fu*k you on about ?
Steven seagull is the buddy on pawn stars that Rick calls when he doesn’t know enough about something
Ha, good one 😇
😂😂
Hahahahaha
Steven Seagal is the Chumlee of Action Movies
🤣🤣🤣
I'm glad I got recommended a video of this guy. He's hilarious!
Can we just take the time to appreciate the amount of good, charitable work Steven Seagal does? Kindly making a buffoon of himslef for the last 30 years, in order to give the world all these hilarious examples of his awesomeness!!!
I've been laughing at this special for like 47 months
Facts
Yeah isn’t this like close to 10 years old?
BIKES!!
Really?
Didn't find this funny at all. Love tom on podcasts / quick witt settings, but scripted he sucks.
word 💯
Steven Seagal: the man, the myth, the legend in his own mind.
Man, myth, legend? That's Scott Sterling right there 😁😂
everything that spouts out of his mouth for sure is a fucking myth
Steven Seagal: Lawman was something else. My fave moment was when he got a couple Dobermans and was like “I’m Buddhist so I can’t kill anyone, but my dogs can”.
Except he was a Legend and a Huge movie star. Under Siege etc were HUGE movies in the 90s
@@TheSweetswed Is that the one that wasn’t straight to VHS?
Say what you will about Seagal-but truth is the man's a genius. He's the only person who single-handedly made pure Comedy and managed to somehow get all of it approved for the Action Film Genre.
"No gracias."
Ha Haaaa
Seagal's mother-in-law watching Mongolian daytime soap operas on the couch in our reception area will forever remain the most bizarre thing in my life.
tell us the whole story, sounds interesting!
@@randefriedman7307 I second this.
@@randefriedman7307 Not that much to tell tbh. I used to work at a school in Moscow where his kid went. It was mostly the grandma who'd come to pick the kid up (occasionally passing the time on the couch in the aforementioned way).
But there was also that one time when Himself decided to attend a soccer practice. All the other dads there who presumably grew up around late 80s to mid 90s JUST. WENT. APESHIT. He was visibly frustrated by all the fuss but maybe also secretly happy.
@@derloos Did he wear his do-rag, yellow sunglasses and full tactical gear? Please say he did!
@@chaosapiant how would we spot him if he did though? 😀
Steven seagal teaches cops hand to hand combat... no wonder they rely on their guns so much...
😄😂😄😂
Phucking hate you dude!!!!😂🤣😂🤣
They rely on guns because you do hand to hand combat only if you have no other choice. Hand to hand combat WILL get you injured. You use it when it's the only thing standing between you and death.
@@RetiredRhetoricalWarhorse ...We're talking about COPS, you daft idjit. Not soldiers. COPS. COPS are supposed to observe the same rules for minimum use of force and not escalating things as the rest of us.
And for the record, SOLDIERS are ALSO expected to show restraint and not simply fire all willy nilly.
@@RetiredRhetoricalWarhorse 😂😂
I'll keep watching this for like a 1000 years
I’ve been watching this clip on repeat for like 36 years.
when seagal was 25yo he had been training dogs for 80years
Search:
Elon Musk meets Post Malone
It’s hilarious! 😂
Lol All of you Steven Seagal haters can laugh and hate on Seagal as much as you want.... but the fact is that he's a legit Martial Artist. He's a master in Aikido and has learned a little of other styles as well.
Steven Seagal is what companies want on your resume
I bet someone, somewhere, has a punching bag with his face on. Not so they could punch him, so they could make fun of the way he walks.
Seagull built his own baby crib😂
Well, i live in a small Russian town, and today i saw Steven Segal on a political advertisement pamphlet in my elevator, endorsing a local small time polititian. It says "I trust Michail". And i am not even making this up. After moving to Russia, he went downhill fast.
He lives there now? I know he became a Russian citizen a few years ago but for some reason I thought he still lived in the states.
@@napoleonbonerfart278 yup. He is still here. Ran away from taxes
It's crazy to think that anyone could just fly to a small russian village, get drunk and get in a fight and there is a CHANCE Steven Segal will arrest you.
@@larryjohnson3087 Challenge accepted
Everything goes down hill fast. But seriously the movies he's been making in the last 10+ years are beyond shitty.
I love Segura! He is amazing with his comedic timing, his jokes are so hilarious!
Nearly every movie he's done since 2012 is him playing a spec ops and has to kill someone or rescue a girl
Also 85% of the movie won't feature him, and the few shots that do are him in a room talking military/espionage jargon with the same 4 people, or holding a gun/glacially fighting a strung-out methadone patient.
He's sitting on a chair for most of the movie and then ends up having sex with the girl at the end of the movie.
@@grammarofficerkrupke4398 with his clothes on too
He’s made a movie since 2012?
@@georgebailey8872 Yeah and they’re all funded by his own production company so they are all donkey dick
Segal made a war movie where he strategically playing the role of the group sniper. "Strategically" because in the movie, all the other guys ran around a town while Segal sat, looking out a balcony window the majority of the movie. When he did have to get up and move, the extent of that movement was to the next window over, which was about 7 feet away.
I need to know if you actually watched Sniper Special Ops.
I need to see this - what movie ?
Worst than that is the fact that the original script was different, but once they started doing the movie the director realized that Steven is so fat and lazy to move or even learn his lines. So for most of the film he's sit and quiet. So we are in the point that he's doing movies that only require him to breathe in front of a camera.
This is so much funnier when you think of how lazy this guy has to be IRL. Probably has piss jars all over his room. 😂
If you actually pay close attention, the scenes he actually has to be moving, they used a body double.
He started all of these Steven Segall memes. Thanks Tom...
best seagal impersonation ever
Steven Seagal is unanimously the most talented actor, the most deadly martial artist, and one of the top two handsome person ever to walk the earth, just ask him 😂😵💫
I would love to hear that from a comedian.
You forgot greatest helicopter pilot.
YES, he is a legend......in his own mind!!!!
Chuck got some real competition
He taught Anderson Silva and Lyoto Machida how to raise one leg in the air in a straight line starting with the knee and snapping it at the end. He named his patented move the “front kick.” Legendary
There's a Chuck Norris joke that goes:
Chuck Norris doesn't do push-ups. He pushes the Earth down.
The Steven Seagal version:
Steven Seagal doesn't do push-ups.
*His weight pushes the earth down on every step he takes.
Tom Segura version: those stupid fucking Republicans!
*runs out of breath * if those idiots would just do everything cnn tells them to do I wouldn't have to do pushups
(Ps it's a joke... I know Tom Segura can't do pushups)
steven does push ups with his tongue its super strong from all the shit talk he does.
Actually it's, Steven Seagal doesn't do push-ups, his stuntman does.
😂😂😂😂😂
"hola...muchoo quesoo...no gracias" lmao xD
This is one of the funniest things I’ve seen in years. If you haven’t watched any of segals newer movies, good work you’re doing life right. But watch them cuz it’s hysterical
I've been making cheese for like 103 years
The ancient Greeks first made cheese knives out clay 2100 years ago.
No gracias
Smegma
I was expecting that at the end too lol
@@CreeperthanPasta Haha
"Seagal allegedly graduated from a police academy in Los Angeles over twenty years prior and has a certificate from Peace Officer Standards & Training (POST), an organization that accredits California police officers. However, POST officials in California and Louisiana have no record of Seagal being certified, and Seagal's rank in Louisiana is therefore ceremonial."
LOL!!!
Honorary policeman.
😂😂😂😂
You can be deputized to carry out law enforcement duties by the sheriff in a lot of places. You don't have to have any formal training or anything, you just have to swear an oath
He lost his honorary rank when allegations were made that he sequestrated a woman for a week and used her as a sex slave (I believe the allegations are true), he left the state and ran away to avoid the internal investigation they wanted to run on him
I can't believe his running....Keanu also can't run, and Vin Diesel too! Seagal taking a turn while running, priceless !
I just binge watched all your Netflix specials last week. Can't believe I never knew how funny you are!
"I have been flying helicopters for like fourty seven years" dropped me off my chair 😂😂😂
Was it really that funny?
@@OscarOffTheCuff Of course unless you are just having a bad day
@@OscarOffTheCuff I like the way Tom delivers that line. The line itself is good, but nothing special. It's the way he says it that gets me every time :)
That's some crap that Steven would say for sure. "You know, it was really ME who took out half of the Vietcong in Vietnam. The other soldiers were there just to watch me."
This was so freaking comedic genius. Steven Segal even took credit for teaching UFC Anderson Silva's kick that knocked out Vitor Belfort.
its alright. genius is very very generous. maybe you are 13 or something or don't understand the craft maybe lol
@@lowlowseesee says you and NOBODY else. Do I have to say it twice low low see see
@@Someonereallycares its hardly even funny let alone genius. I agree with lowlow, you must have a teenagers sense of humor.
@@MrSmokincodz Fuck that ageist shit, i'm 42 and this shit is fucking hilarious.
The fact that Anderson Silva would waste his time with Steven Seagal is even crazier
One of the best Steven stories is him getting taken by the mob and them telling him he needed to get at them like $100,000.00. After he agreed they let him go then they made fun of him because Steven was the only person at the “meeting” with a gun and he didn’t use it or even pull it.
I love how the "I've been doing...." period gets longer 😂
You could do a whole hr long show just on Steven Segal alone. And it would be hilarious from start to finish.
And it would be 84 minutes
I'm more amused by the legions of people who can't spell his name, despite the facts that 1. he's been world-famous for decades, and 2. it's spelled correctly in the title of the video upon which they are commenting.
@@siler7 Stephen Seagull can't even pronounce his own name correctly. Why should we care to spell it correctly?
@@siler7 I'm gonna agree with David Gangemi. Why do I have to spell the weird sea gulls name correctly? Tis a freakin' bird - and not a majestic one at that. Gulls are disgusting, they are just... dirty water rats with wings...
@@siler7 He was world famous during the 90s. He's at best a has-been.
No one gives enough of a shit about seagull to spell it right.
Make sure you catch Steven Seagal's latest action-packed trilogy, "Out of Breath", "Gasping for Air", and the grand finale "Tunnel Vision".
Lmao out of breath 🤣😂
why did i read this with joe rogan´s voice
/ You got me - I laughed out loud
I thought he had that one "Triple Bypass" first. The highway worker triplets that have to open a closed road...hope the theater isn't too congested. This one is supposed to get the veins pumping I hear.
@@rallyfeind That was actually a sequel to "Total Blockage" which in turn was a spinoff of "Hard Attack".
Rippin on Seagal never gets old!
His Seagal impression is spot on
This is the best bit I’ve ever seen or heard in my life. I’ve been watching Tom Segura for about 6 minutes and he’s officially the funniest person alive. I know this because I’ve been watching Tom Segura for 67 years.
*_BIKES!_*
Arousing.
Chicken salad!
....with celery!
this bit is so terrible it’s scary. you need to hear some funny comics.
I’ve watched Tom Segura for 100 years
It’s my civic duty to share this take: On set Steven Segal assured everyone that he was incapable of being choked out. Stunt man, the legend Gene Lebell steps up, mounts a choke hold, Seagal passes out and promptly shits his pants. Pure beauty.
Edit: I did tread lightly and call it a ‘take’. However, to offset any unjust humiliation, I will boast that Steven is a good blues guitarist. His album is on Spotify. Go listen to him karate chop his guitar.
Why would he think it would be impossible for him to be choked out? Does he think he's made of steel and his skin is unbendable. That's so dumb it hurts. Lmfao.
I love that so much!
I believe you, really I do
How do you know that?
I watched an interview with a well known and respected stunt man that said he was there for the incident and that didn't happen. More along the lines of while in a choke hold he said he could get out of he hit old Gene in the nuts, then Gene leg swiped him or something like that.
Gold, gold, gold.
That steven segal bit was AWSOME 😂
The Skippy joke is underrated. That is a very solid joke.
Just like your mom
Legit had me rolling 😂😂😂
“Ah-Skipskipskipskipskip”
@@billtree52 Better put your dad's phone back in his purse before he finds out you're using it.
@@richardgrier8968 haha nice one
In the early to mid 2000s my brother was a line cook in a bar and grill restaurant. It was closing time. Steve Seagal and his band had just finished playing a gig in town.
My brother's boss was literally locking up when Seagal & co. reached the doors. The boss told them they were closed but he said he ask the staff if anyone was willing to stay to serve them. He went back to the kitchen told everyone what was going on and that no one had stay. My brother and his co workers looked at each other and he said it was almost in unison they all said "I wanna go home." So the owner of the restaurant had to turn Steven Seagal & his band away and my brother came home and immediately told a house full of friends the story.
We had a pretty good laugh about it.
Not a single person was willing to stay late to meet Steven Seagal and get paid overtime as well. 😆
Stupid story
@@turtleneckferret I found the ribaldry of the tale to be light-hearted and less filling.
@@turtleneckferret Stupid response.
Had a bass player from Scotland crash at my place in Philly his band played a show Segal's band payed at. Said the same, he was an absolute narcissistic douchebag so they stole all his merch. Still have three shirts. Had to look it up as I've never knew he had a band and he was not lying about how shit it was.
Great story!!
😂