When People Won’t Forgive You After Addiction
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- Опубліковано 27 тра 2024
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It’s not that they don’t forgive you.
It’s that they remember the pain and hurt you caused them the things you stole.
While happy that you’ve gotten you life together for now, they will at all cost protect themselves from that ever happening again.
THIS! As hurtful as it may be that people won't let go of your past easily, it's not about forgiving, but about how you made them feel during a period of time. You always may have the willingness to forgive someone, but will never forget about how that person would make you feel. This is what really counts, and you can't blame others for your own actions. Just the harsh truth! Just move on to new and different relationships because what's done is done, and cannot do much about it.☹
I would love to see you become a social worker, therapist, addiction counselor, etc in your next career!
I have a niece who is currently on her 4th attempt at rehab to beat a meth addiction, which stemmed from childhood trauma. I’m currently foster caring for her daughter. I have to say that some of the issues that I see happen that affect her daughter really make it hard for me to forgive. I get to see the damage this is doing to this little darling.
When she falls off things have gotten chaotic. She drops contact with her daughter, which then triggers negative behaviours in her daughter (who is only 6 years old).
I’m really pissed off that I’ve had to step up and care for her daughter (no other family member was willing and/or able). I’m bitter about the fact that this poor little 6 year olds behaviours are affecting my 9 year old, who has a moderate level of special needs.
I do love them both very much, but the impact this is having on my life and my family makes it really hard to not just say f**k it and walk away from my niece.
It’s perfectly within your right to walk away. Debatably, until your niece is in a period of considerable sustained sobriety, her daughter will suffer more by being in close proximity to her biological mom’s instability than out of sight, out of mind. You clearly have your niece’s daughter’s best interests in mind! Keep being awesome
You and your nine year old must come first.
Keeping your niece in your life is keeping your niece in her mother’s life, which, ultimately, may not be the best for her (the 6 year old) long term.
Perhaps it would be best for your niece if her mother’s parental rights were terminated?
4th time in rehab? How many chances are you going to give her before you realize it’s not your problem to deal with?
Wow its so great that you care for your niece. But may I ask: Are you allowing contact with the mother ? Or do you HAVE to let her meet her? Because that seems like a rollercoster for the little girl . Wouldnt it be better to have stability (for the "cost" of no contact")? Also: You care for her. You have a daughter to consider. Why does the family which did NOT have stepped up and chose a blind eye for your nieces suffering have a say???????
Not sure why I'm so drawn to your content, but here I am. Always look forward to new videos. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us.
He’s an awesome vodcaster. He’s very engaging and you can feel that he has allowed himself to really connect and understand his journey. Such an amazing level of self-reflection.
I agree. He is so good at this!
I agree. He is and has something special. My personal favorite you tuber! Love this guy.
Probably because you see someone trying to change and being open and honest and even more wanting to help others . Thats what draws me to these videos however I also have had addiction problems so there’s that too
I think it's because he comes off as sincere and honest and is easy to relate to. That combined with charisma and clear articulation skills creates easy and refreshing to digest content.
If you, robbed, swindle, lied to,destroyed family and friends; its easier to move on with new relationships and those not screwed.
I also love commas.
@@Teenywing😂
,I've been sober 15 years no.relapses
My family never thought that I could change. My mother died still thinking I was that person who used...we lived 3000 miles away from each other. I was .very sad.but there was nothing I could do
She knows
Maybe ask/look for signs from whatever Higher Power you can conjure up. Maybe you can find a way to feel that she sees/knows your heart now. Maybe her spirit comes in visits from her favorite bird (or yours), rainbows, butterflies, or a song. I'm sure she must know the goodness you've become.
I’m so glad I got sober before my mom died, it’s a big relief for me. But I agree with the other comment I’m sure your mom knows and is watching you from Heaven.
They forgave you, but it doesnt mean that they need to be around you. The only people that can trust you are the new people you meet after you are trying to become a better person. Good luck!
Good talk! Here’s a thought. As long as it took me to trust you again, is about how long I hung in there during the dark times. And then I had to say goodbye and leave your guilt in your hands. Trust is earned. Then it isn’t.
I took an Amtrak from Miami to NY trip with my young daughters many years ago. I was nervous. To my surprise a man next to me was in recovery as well. Who'd have thought the stars would align that way. We shared coffees and wonderful conversation. He was on his way to CA to make his last amends to his 4th child, after being sober for twelve years. He had been a severe alcoholic for most of their childhoods. I guess, it takes time and, for the most part, ppl can be forgiving. Sometimes it doesn't work out though. I have another man I knew. His mother would not allow him at her death if he was drunk. He was. He could not forgive himself until he began to sit beside others that were dying alone in hospice. There are other ways you can make amends, I want to say, to live a full life. We are fallible. There is no shame in that. PPl change often when we change but sometimes they will always carry the hurt caused by years of our abuse. Ask yourself, what purpose does it serve to hold on if they will not hear you or see your change. Easier said then done, I know. Meditation helps, as well. I wish you peace in your heart.
There's that old quote: "trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and a lifetime to repair."
Trust puts us in our most vulnerable state. You're saying "i fully trust in you to have my back, both present and away."
That's huge. So when it gets shattered, the thought of rebuilding, sometimes, seems too mentally and emotionally taxing. I've definitely been there, and I've also been the person that broke it.
The last thing you should do is ask "how do i fix it?"
As you said, look inward, learn from it. Rebuild yourself first. Then approach the situation. Apologies don't mean anything when they're coming from someone you no longer trust. Become the person that YOU would trust.
It's hard. I did a lot of soul searching over the last few years. Learning to be less angry, to be more present in my relationships, to commit more. All of those things (or lack thereof) have definitely stifled some relationships or even ended some.
It's never too late, but the work must be put in, and the number one factor, with all change and forgiveness, is time.
Spot on! Its taken 6 years for my family and some friends to understand I am 6 years out and doing well! It's difficult and I have just started to understand and let go for people whom where friends but actually weren't! Guilt can eat away at us and so important to love and accept ourselves! Forget about others! And work on ourselves first! Thank you as always! Resent email hope to hear from you soon!
This is so relevant to me!!! After my second relapse a friend just abandoned me..... I decided to just move on and ive been sober since and haven't talked to them since. Its been around 4 years
When you’re done, you’re done.
It gets to be too much. Time to move on.
It’s important to set boundaries.
The choice is to use for that first time, then the more u use ur brain changes and turns into an addiction. Trauma happens to a lot of people and not everyone turns to drugs or alcohol. U choose to use that first time, u can choose to get help to stop also. Not all addicts had trauma, it starts with who they hang around etc so there is a choice.
I truly do believe that all addicts have trauma. Significant trauma. ❤❤ of the hundreds I’ve known, every single one had trauma. Dependant and addicted are two very, very, very different things, in my opinion. ❤❤
Nice to see you Brian. This is a great topic I imagine some bridges cannot be rebuilt for some people. And for others, being on the other end as in the non addict part of the relationship, there is so much fear of relapse for them and losing them again. Or being disappointed in them again. My husband is an alcoholic. And I find myself not even considering him quitting anymore even though he often tries and is soooo much better than he used to be. It’s almost too scary to hope that he could ever become sober. It causes me more pain and suffering when the relapses happen. I know it’s not right, but it’s easier for me to believe this is as good as it gets. I read a book once called “codependent no more”. And while I did find it slightly heavy in the department of empowering someone to leave the addict, there was also great advice in how to give them their addiction and no longer needing to feel the feelings of disappointment because that is theirs not yours. But also being able to love them for who they are. And not taking on the baggage of their addiction. Does that make sense. lol. I’m on nights lol. It’s basically saying. I love you. But I’m no longer going to suffer because of your addiction and I’m no longer going to try and change you. It’s up to you to do that. And I no longer let it dictate my happiness.
Hope your well. And as always wishing you all the best with your continued recovery, your channel and all the great things that are surely coming your way ❤️. You’ve got friends in Canada if your hiking ever takes you up this way🥰
Yikes, those can be very risky professions for those who were addicts. Maybe the riskiest of all jobs. ❤❤
Hi Brian, love your channel! I started watching you in March and can relate so much. So on this topic. I have found that at this point (coming up on 3 years sober), it is far too painful to try to keep mending relationships with people that are “done” with me and absolutely refuse to see the progress. It’s painful to be around them physically because I can feel the judgement, they are constantly causing me stress and pain by refusing to see all the damned hard work I have put in. That’s their loss. I lost my dad very suddenly and unexpectedly at a year and a half sober. I’m doing this for myself and for him and no one else. I will NEVER return to those habits and I KNOW that. It becomes far too mentally draining and like a weight pulling you back. You have to be kind to yourself and cut those relationships off. It’s okay, I promise ❤ I am a little lonely yes, BUT, I am far happier without the stress and extended trauma they would be causing me right now and why?! Why would I endure that just to never be believed? Nope. Do yourselves a favor and just move on! Let em watch or not watch. Idc. But the relationships are done. I tried. I lost my dad who was everything to me and my biggest cheerleader. One of the last conversations we had was about this specifically and he said “Britt, don’t worry about what they think or do. Just keep going, prove em wrong and it’s their loss” and that is exactly what I have done!
My brother ghosted me years ago. He stopped drinking, said he understood addiction now. But I can tell he is drinking again. I don't want that chaos anymore. So we don't speak.
Same stuff happened to me, unfortunately while it might hurt a bit it is what it is and you gotta understand that you just can’t come back from some stuff. So long story short make new friends and surround yourself with people that care about you.
Another excellent video, Brian, thanks for putting it all out there for us...again!
This is a tough topic for me too, because it very clearly illustrates just how powerless I can be in the face of my addiction.
One of the hardest things for a control freak like me to accept was that, not only is my addiction/my disease trying to kill me, but it constantly seeks to destroy everything around me, including those I love, as well as the very love we share.
And as painful as it is to acknowledge that, it does serve a twisted sort of purpose, and that's to remind me that, even though I've done everything I possibly could to heal broken relationships, in the face of my disease, it just may never be enough.
Its at that point that I pray--for those that are suffering as a result of my addiction--that the Universe/their HP/Whatever heals their hearts, even if it means they're outta my life.
The guy I’m talking about, my brother, always did this but never to his friends or family. He used to supplement his income through theft, but nobody knew. When people became aware, no one trusted him, so he focused his skills on friends and family where there would be no consequences.
I would like to offer this to anyone who reads this. I have lost many friends and family to alcohol and addictions, but by the grace of God, at 43 I’ve never fallen into addiction or alcoholism myself. When my daughter, who’s now almost 18, lost her dad to an overdose three days after her third birthday. Having to raise a 3 year old on my own while managing the grief and anger of knowing that my innocent baby was going to have a life of knowing her dad chose drugs over her. I prayed so much for God to soften my heart and help me to minimize the pain she would experience from her dad’s choice. Just a few months after his passing I started going through his belongings and I found a letter he wrote to me. It’s hard to even think about the moment I began reading that letter without being overwhelmed with emotion. It was that profound as a life changing moment. In that letter he thanked me and told me how much he thank God for me and that his baby had a mom like me. He said that he believed our daughter was his purpose in this world and that God picked a woman with such dignity and strength to raise a child with a man that has addictions. He told me that my unconditional love and never treating him like a junkie meant so much to him. He said he knew he didn’t deserve all forgiveness ide given him and it helped him to feel close to God while battling demons for his life.
(I apologize if this is a lot to leave in a message)i remember knowing in that moment what I needed to do. From that day forward whenever my daughter asked questions ,or we would spend time with his family, visit his grave, or just in an ordinary moment sharing with her from LOVE who her dad was. How much he loved her, the things and places he loved, the music he loved, thw sports teams he loved. When she was old enough I started talking to her about his death from the perspective of an illness until she could understand addiction. Then on her 16th birthday she came into my room and asked if she could get her first tattoo. Now I am the cool mom, but not that cool, … until she showed me what she held in her hands, was what she wanted for her first tattoo. It was that letter she had found in my memory box in our basement. She wanted to get in her dad’s handwriting ‘I love you’ how he had signed to me. It was an overwhelming confirmation and sense of profound relief that it was true. The path of healing. True healing is and will always be love and forgiveness. But first you must heal and love yourself and I promise you if you stay true to that, put God first, trust him, your reality, how people see you on the outside will reflect how you’ve changed. ❤God bless all of you who have had the courage to fight for your own lives even if no one trusts you or believes in you. Never doubt the angels who lost the battle are supporting you and guiding you. You are warriors and there is nothing more powerful then a person who heals and escapes addiction with their life. Keep going ! You are not your addiction!
He owes me tens of thousands of dollars, then proceeds to charge thousands on my mothers credit card, buying gift cards to sell at pawnshops for cash and stick her with the bill. Robs his own brothers wife jewelry of pieces her dead father bought for birthdays and graduations never to be seen again. Surprisingly still comes around in an attempt to do more damage !
You mean the guy in this video??
No
@@stephenlan5450
My apologies
I’ve been sober for 3 years (I had a relapse in 2021) and I was living with my older sister at the time. I worked very hard to maintain sobriety and I’ve excelled in life so much! I got a nice job, car, and now my boyfriend and I are buying our first house together. Although my sister and I still talk, if I look at her funny or if I’m overly tired, she puts a guard up and asks if I’m “still on that stuff”. To this day she still does this no matter how much I’ve proven to myself and to others. I don’t take it personally anymore… like you said, it’s their right to decide how they let you into their lives. My sister is family so she can’t get rid of me that easily but I’m sure if we weren’t blood related she would never have spoken to me again.
"Get to your life and pay it forward"
Another nugget of goodness from you, my friend. Simple but profound truths summed up so succinctly. Always thrilled when i see your face with something new for us!
Oh also Harumi sounds great! Solid choice. Always nice to hear good new music :)
I have over 29 years of sobriety, yet I still have a strained relationship with certain people. Fortunately, it’s only a couple of people, but it still hurts. All I can do is forgive myself, and graciously allow these people to exercise their right to stay away from me.
There is nothing gracious about you leaving them alone. You save yourself from a restraining order. That’s all.
Hi Brian, thanks so much for talking about Alex's concern and struggles from your Livestream so quickly. I hope that Alex can find some comfort and that anyone else in a similar situation can find hope as well. I think you brought up some really good points and the one about building new relationships was great. If your family, that is hurting, sees their loved one working hard to rebuild their life it may help build trust to rebuild a relationship back to before addiction took over their life.
It is so important to always give people you encounter the benefit of doubt about how they react to you as you never know the struggles they face in life.
Thanks again Brian. Cheers.
Your shares, and speaking are helpful to hear, congratulations on your sobriety. I am coming upon 9 years, on holiday right now in a small Italian village far from a meeting. I’m using my BB, texts with sponsor and sponsee and….. listen to you speak. Grateful….
I think you are very brave and your whole presentation and first hand experience couldc help someone take the first step.
The first step could be an addict to many things not only drugs.
Keep working hard at your addiction and remember it is one day at a time.
❤❤❤
Thank you for your videos. I feel a type of catharsis listening you talk about Before and Present as my little brother was an addict and ddint make it out. I'll keep watching!
Great video! So glad you’re sharing your journey…and let us know when you’re going live again, please
Love your channel bro. Never give up and time will heal the wounds
Really look forward to hearing your videos. Thanks again. Love from England ❤
How do you not have experience where your addiction destroyed a relationship? You lost your wife, and her father’s death who you were so close to. I am amazed that you didn’t think of that.
So thoughtfully, artfully stated. Kudos!
I love this!
This has SO MUCH practical wisdom -- Thanks, Miles! 🙏
Your reasoning and ability to explain things will be very helpful for all involved in these unfortunate situations. I enjoy your content and I know you’ll succeed and thrive in whatever you put your mind to. 🙂👍🇨🇦
I’m in that place... You rock, dude! Keep up the great work.
It's good to see you back with a new video.
I quit cold turkey from a 5 year opiates prescription from a doctor. I knew i was in trouble when my doctor moved away and my new doctor wouldn't renew my prescription. I didnt want to visit my problem on my wife and family so i bit the bullet and quit.
Great work! Many users are super selfish.
@@taragrace4656 it was my problem and mine alone. I took the pills. Nobody made me swallow them.
Great topic!
It is difficult question. From other people I know their experience with drug addicts has not been good because they will always choose buying drugs over friends. I was also seeing a psychiatrist about something else, and he had a large number of patients who were taking methadone. A number of them were not good people to be around. They didn’t seem to care about anyone else. On the other hand there are a lot of former addicts who have become successful.
Well done, Buddy.
Great video as usual… I have one thing to say about this.. the sooner we can forgive ourselves.. the easier it is for us in recovery. When I was fresh new to my recovery.. I was so ashamed of everything I did in my addiction. It would just eat me alive.. day in day out. But as time went on I learned to forgive myself for the terrible things I did in my addiction. It makes it easier for others to forgive us if we ourselves forgive our past. I love your videos Brian.. you’re amazing.. keep it up my friend. 💕😊
You have to let them go because no matter what you say or do they will NOT want anything to do with you--in fact, they will treat you as a stranger. Move on get your life together a
"fresh" start and build a new one with out the addiction---you have to understand that what you have done is really baaaaad!!! And a lot of relationships will be unfixable.
I really like your videos. I had a family member in same situation as you.
*To my former addict ex:*
*I will forgive you for all the pain you put me through with your addiction. The pain*
*you put me through with your "White knuckling" was horrible. "I am clean and sober*
*and you are still a B*tch days..."*
*Your abuse is shown to me daily in the scars that I bear. Your infidelity made me*
*not being able to trust men for awhile. That said, "I walked away from you 20 years*
*ago and built a new life without you.*
*You are now remarried to a lovely wife. I only wish you the best life has to offer,*
*but the nightmares of your abuse still haunts me as I lay next to my loving husband*
*Yes, I forgive you, but in my deepest recesses of my heart, my soul does not.* 😢
I feel like its just a consequence. Most if the consequences can be reversed, some cant. Use it as a reason to keep going...you dont want to lose the relationships you have built.
How do you move forward?? One step at a time brother. That’s the only way
Brian, I enjoy your videos and your wisdom. Do your beliefs come from within naturally or are you repeating lines that you've received through therapy while recovering? You have great insight into motivations. Maybe you have found your new career?
My advice to the person posing the question is this: 12 steps. Even if you don’t want to make 12 step your way of life, the whole purpose of the steps is to get right with yourself, get right with the world around you, and let go of the rest of it. Going through the steps, even if it’s just a one & done thing, can help you get on the other side of that guilt and shame. Give it a shot - nothing to lose!
Once in a great while he’d give you a small amount of what he owes, promise up and down that he’s grateful for your help and fully intends to pay you back. Then, about a week and a half later he’d be back with a crisis story asking for 2,5,even 20 times what he just gave you.
What’s interesting for me is that I’m on the flip side of this. I forgave a former addict, and he wanted nothing to do with me. Even sent the police after me for reaching out. I was stunned. A new level of self sabotage? Thoughts?
Unless and until you acknowledge the pain and grief you have burdened them with you will never be forgiven. Even then, there is no guarantee of reconciliation. Just accept it.
❤❤❤
I thought it was only me who wore the same 5 t-shirts on rotation. I swear, we could be siblings. 🤓😊
Not sure if you’ve covered this before, but do you plan on returning to nursing as your career? Is it possible?
Are you involved in AA/NA?
you need me
Wellll.. life presents problems for every person to deal with. so if you showed up as a selfish addict and imposed even more problems onto people who already had enough to deal with it's probably safe to say you're not going to be their favorite lol
I’m not sure it was drugs because after a bs story about his wife taking him to court, and me giving him a ‘loan’, he is on vacation in the Dominican Republic with his girlfriend.
I'm more than 1/2 way thru this video but want to stop and comment. You have suffered greatly. B/C of this and your sincere desire to change, you understand others' sufferings. Your insights are based on life experiences and truths about human nature - your nature and others'. The person you are today is the real you continuing to emerge. But you were not always able to be who you really were. Pain has a way of holding people back!. People learn to hide themselves behind a false mask. But once the false mask starts to come off, you begin to see who you really are and want to become. Getting honest with yourself and your failures, can be threatening to others. Sadly, there are people "out there" who don't want to face issues in their lives or allow others to get back up in the game of life after mistakes have been made. But as was stated YOU get to choose whom you want or don't want in YOUR life, as well. Just as others may want to distance themselves from those re-building their lives, their distancing becomes a gift!. It frees you from THEIR negative mindset. It takes courage to change. Sometimes you have to lick your wounds alone. It hurts when others reject you, but remember, "THEY" also have issues. Surrounding yourself with new friends, new people is therapeutic. It takes courage to walk alone, but many times it is necessary. I'm new to your site and want to review past videos to more fully understand your journey. As an RN, I have an understanding of some of the pressures you were under. Thank you for sharing your life with others, with such a depth of honesty. You have my respect.
Ibe❤1
Careful for word salad.
i disagree. Some of us knew we were going to be addicts, I know I'm not the only one. That is deeply honest.
"The root of all addiction is the addiction to the pain of not being seen" John Lamb Lash.
You wanna be my bf Brian? I love you
Try some humility & anonymity- living your way into gd thinking real world- with no acclaim