Midweek with Dr. C- Narcissists Must Perpetuate Tension
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- Опубліковано 3 січ 2023
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. In the past 40+ years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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I can watch these videos all day, to fill the void with constructive thoughts, helpful instructions, and fellowship. It's like I have been thrown a rope at the last minute. So grateful.
Hi Catherine. Very pleased the videos resonate.
Your wasting your breath telling them how mean they are. They'll do it more, and more hate. They get a sick kick outta controlling others.
They *delight* in causing great harm to others.
Narcissist's are jealous, mean-spirited people, when you are happy they are sad and when you are sad they are happy, the more tension and frustration they can create in your mind and body the happier they are. Keep your distance from these emotional energy vampires.🦇 Good video.🌟
You just nailed it. Beautifully said.
@@annking8633 Thank you Ann, keep well.👍🙂
Well said!
@@mday3821 Thank you, enjoy your new day.🌞
@@steadypace1262 Your welcome. You as well.
Your the best at telling the story of the Narcissist views and actions! Your a gift to the world! Thank you ❤❤❤❤
You are so welcome
Agree.. Thanks DRC 🙏🏻
Amen to THAT! 🙋🙂 💜😌
Second Amen.. Thank you ❤
YES!!😊
Everytime I watch one of your videos a piece of my heart gets repaired🐻🐨🐼
Very pleased, Maria.
I hear you 💔... 💖💙💜♥️💞
The veil of confusion lifted..
Me too.
Ain' that roght, right! ❤
narcissists will never love you because your peaceful spirit is triggering their demons.
Yes!!! Amen!!! I’ve come to this conclusion myself!! So now I just rebuke the demons!! I can see them squirming almost!!
That is so true that they like to cause tension and provoke you. You can just feel it when they come around. Its such a strong vibe. You can feel their tension building into a narcissistic rage. You just don't know when they will blow up but you know its coming. It caused me so much anxiety. It was such a horrible feeling when this person would come around. Narcissists are like a thunder cloud.
Walking on eggshells, my theme song. It sucks.
They are so phony. Always have to control life.
Followed by lightning.
Yep they're like a 🌩️ that rains 💩💩💩 instead of normal water...It's messy & dreadful🙄.
@@malwads1836 what a dreadful way to live. And they never get tired of acting that way. 😫
Team Healthy - every time you say it i get an endorphins rush. Feels so good to be a part of a team like this!
Well said👍
Yes it is a great team :)*
I love it! Go Team Healthy!
I know what you mean. 🙂
you LUCKY; my MOTHER cancelled my wedding cake & LAUGHED AT MY Tears: Her joy was Ruining my Day!
Oh wow this video reminded me of every morning I would wake up and dread going downstairs to get my first cup of coffee because I knew I would be thrown a crapload of questions, expectations and a whole big pile of tension - all before my first sip of coffee.
Time for a coffee set up in your bedroom to awake to sweet aroma and good vibes (coping will be easier after a tall cup of Joe.💕 (Been there)😉
@@ZarpeParadise totally great idea.
I know what you mean..
Yup...every S.I.N.G.L.E. morning🥺
You go to bed with the tension and awake with the tension…..fun times.
Their lives are constant drama, chaos and confrontation. Then they will take no responsibility for causing all of it. Just useless to discuss it with them. Better to just move as far away from them as possible.
That is sad.
She told me once "I would rather us be arguing or fighting rather than being quiet and peaceful". Back then I never understood why, but I do now. Apparently, having a peaceful and quiet life to her was considered boring and she felt "dead". Small wonder why she felt the need to whip BS out of thin air just to create chaos to feel "alive".
thanks, Dr. Carter
On the other hand, the “silent treatment” is just as painful and this is yet another way to cause tension. What I have learned after 1 year divorce is that I missed that: both the fights and the silent treatment. It became my “normal.” The trauma-bonding is powerful and very hard to get over but I have learned that I don’t miss him, I miss what became my way of life for 36 years.
I agree with Chloe.
Your wife saying she'd rather we argue than have silence means "we need to talk and figure some things out" rather than "I just wanna fight and get the upper hand".
When one uses the silent treatment, stonewalls, and anything else like this, it's more powerful (in a bad way), than arguing or complaining or crying or begging.
It's also narcissistic, cruel, and dysfunctional.
They're very MENTALLY disturbed. Emotionally disturbed. The longer you are away the happier you will be.
My husband has abandoned me several times; I actually stopped counting. He says he won't file for a divorce. If I do, then he'll play the victim. It makes me want to vomit.
When u have had enough, u will change. He will not change but U can
My wife did similar, and kept trying to provoke me to leave (so she could claim “abandonment” and get credit for the suffering I caused). I told her, in no uncertain terms that I would not leave. It took 5 years of firm boundaries, rejecting love bomb attempts, and my daily attempt at lonely “peaceful coexistence” before she finally had enough and moved out herself. She knew that I knew what she was doing, and that had stopped reacting (giving her narcissistic supply), so she moved on.
The best tip I've found for dealing with a high conflict narc when they're being confrontational is to pull out the phone & record every interaction. It's like holding a mirror up to a vampire. It almost always ends their assault & sends them running immediately.
Wish I thought of that 14 months ago...
Yes! I only recently started doing this. I’ll say “I’m calling Greta” or once at the grocery I was being berated on the phone by them so I put them on speaker and said “your now on speaker so you might want to stop” When later they tried calling me horrible for this I just silently thought of how I never want to be someone who would talk to someone in a way that I knew sounded bad and not apologize and feel in the wrong I never want to be a closeted cruel human
That's actually a good way to obtain good educational material that you can refer back to whenever needed & it could even help folks that are trying to learn how to spot the behaviors in these highly dysfunctional individuals🤗👍🏻👍🏻.
Unless it makes it worse. They might get worse and you’ll disappear.
They are terrified of having the monster exposed. It's the best way I've found to get them to limit contact much as possible.
After doing something cruel, like endangering my dog and cats, the narcissist ex would smirk. After saying something cruel to me, my narcissistic ex would smirk. He enjoyed being cruel.
When you are away and free from the N's tension, I think your actual physical health improves. No N, no pain.
Gratitude and ☀️☀️☀️ to everyone🙏
26 yrs and the flying monkeys persist
When you only have a hammer in your toolbox of choices, you can only pound things. That's how I see a narcissist.🤷♀
I provided a home for my mother when she said she had nowhere to go and no one cared about her. Six weeks later, I said "Please don't speak to me like that in my own home." She bolted out the door, found somewhere else to be and trashed my name with every relative and friend she could find. I have been no contact with her and all of these relatives and friends for almost 4 years. The peace is bliss :)
She was too deeply committed to her own anger to listen to your concerns.
@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you for that analysis. We were never encouraged to inquire into these sorts of events, just to appease her. It progresses my growth another step forward :)
I'm sorry you had to go through that even if you have found some semblance of peace...be gentle with yourself and know at least you tried. Bless you
@@lynne-du9ql Blessings gratefully accepted xxx
Narcissists enjoy to see you dysregulated because it dismisses their own dysfunctions and your emotional reactions will regulate their emotions. So that's why they need to perpetuate tension.
Whenever you feel anger inside of you, you can choose between different options:
1. You can suppress
=> It will get worse (unhealthy)
2. You can be openly aggressive
=> You react in a harsh and harmful
way like an overt Narcissist
(unhealthy)
3. You can be passive aggressive like
a covert Narcissist
=> You hide your anger by grudgeful
thoughts like, "I will show you!"
(unhealthy)
4. You can be assertive
=> You stand up for yourself by
telling who you are, what your
needs are etc. (healthy)
5. You can go to your higher priorities
=> "I want to be a person of peace..
I want to show respect..
I want to be honest..
I want to be open.. etc."
(healthy)
You always have an option!
Dealing with a Narcissist it is always
the best way to respond (mind over emotion) instead of reacting (emotion over mind). If you are easily driven by reactions, take a deep breath first to ground yourself :-)
Dr Carter 👨🦳, thanks for this interesting and insightful lecture. (Where has Gus 🐶 been? Sleeping beneath the table at your feet?)
On the live feeds, I have him stay in another room in case he starts barking. That typically only happens if someone (like a neighbor or delivery) comes to the door, but he goes nuts if it does!
@@SurvivingNarcissismThanks for your enlightenment. Hah, I understand for I know lots of dogs (specially the smaller ones) get nuts when the doorbell rings 😅 But I do think a lot of us would like to hear Gus 🐶 voice once barking 🤭😉
"That's your game, but I'm not participating. and I'm onto you."
The narcissist's main feature is their domination vindictiveness.
Trespassing others its not enough for them. They destroy others.
They like to stir the pot.
The evil eye is terrifying. The smirk is nothing compared.
My Ex Narc could do both at the Same Time ....Pure Evil 😈
The eye roll
Its a character disorder. Thank you. That really helps me to understand my relative.
So enjoy these everyday! Have changed how I look at a situation I have been drawn into. Love your sense of humor. Thank you for your time and expertise.
I belief my brother killed himself so that he wouldn't kill my Narc Mom. Now I'm here caring for her, living in her home having similar thoughts.
But I chose team healthy. I am around this person too much. It's just me and her.
It's not your fault.
Whatever way you can get support and share your thoughts with others. I am so sorry to hear your brother was in this dangerous deadly abusive situation. Keep joining us here and seek whatever professional support you can. Nobody should be alone with these feelings. Take good care CPL.
Please do everything you can to help and protect yourself from the evil. You may well be correct about your brother. There is now a National Suicide prevention hotline Dial 988.
I just wish narcissists could be held accountable for their actions
Could be because law enforcement is a huge narcissistic structure and they have weapons
No such justice in this world. Just be true to yourself and keep strong on team healthy.
The smirk I've seen is more of a look that includes eye-rolling and says, "How stupid are you?"
Is it possible my mom, who’s 76, is a covert narcissist her entire life and we just missed it? My dad recently passed away on the past 9 months, and since then my brother and I have gotten a real shock dose of who she really is. I took her to Florida for a little getaway, and ended up having to fly home 3 days early just so I didn’t have to be around her anymore. All she did was complain, wonder off, and act with such vile behavior whenever she didn’t get her way. The minute she would talk to someone back home, her voice completely changed to her perky self. Now that my brother and I are home taking care of her, we noticed if we don’t give her attention or her way, she thrashing out in such a cruel way. She tells ppl to shut up, is proud she is nasty to people, even goes as far as saying she doesn’t care is she goes to hell and that she doesn’t care to be a better person. She doesn’t care if she’s hurting others. Heck; she didn’t even cry once when my dad died. My dad pampered the heck out of her, and now that he’s gone, she expects the same treatment. I’m sorry but I didn’t sign a marriage contract with her. I’m not kissing the ground she walks on after she’s spit on it. Long story short, my mom had always been looked at as such a sweet person her entire life. Now that dads gone, we see an entirely different person. It’s kind of a hard pill to swollow, as things are starting to make sense. Things from our growing up are starting to make sense. I did notice this behavior when my dad was dying and I was there taking care of him. She would make the most vile face and tell my dad he smelled so horribly she couldn’t stand it. Well, he didn’t smell.. I was caring for him and bathing him. It was just a cruel comment to make. I had to kick her out of his room several times as she was so nasty to him. Now.. it’s her turn. She needs caretaking & ironically is the one who DOES smell.
I guess what I’m asking… how could I miss this? It’s tearing my brother apart, as he feels so used and manipulated. Her behavior very likely impacted his relationship with my dad, as she was likely playing games to tear them apart. For me, it’s less impactful as she never really played a large role in my identity. My dad was my rock, not her. Yes, she was always there with my dad, but none of my growing was due to her advise (for the most part). Could she have been a narcissist her entire life and just hid it well? This is so confusing. It’s like the worst kind of gaslighting / brain manipulation ever.
You give the best advice about narcissism on the internet Dr Carter :))
Thanks, Laurie.
Team Healthy 🙌
I was tormented by my husband for five years, all the while hearing, believing and agreeing that it was all my fault. A couple of months after we married and his NP came out, I said if you can't at least act like you respect me, and act like you like me, I will divorce you, and 2 mos later I filed. Then it got really bad since he was now the victim. We divorced and he moved away, but kept coming back to try again, or so I thought. A few days ago a video came up of Dr C, and the title intrigued me, and I have binge watched ever since. I didn't even know there was such a thing as a narcissist, let alone that there could be help for the victim. I now have an appt with one of the therapists coming up on Saturday. I feel hope for the first time. And I am no contact with the ex from now on. I am 68 and don't want this in my life, time is too short. Thank-you Dr Carver! DRC! Team Healthy!
❤️ best wishes.
🙏
Hi Catherine. Your best years are ahead of you! Now you know, and if you keep learning here, you will NEVER be subjected to such awful treatment again.
The very best of luck to you. Live the life that Catherine wants, not someone else... 🙏☀️
@@sturobertson6791 Thank-you Stu! That's very encouraging 🙋♀️💕
@@deelehey2827 thanks💕
Narcissists have a priority that doesn't include you, but if you really look at their priority there really isn't anything there at the core. Narcissists don't see other people as the most important thing in life, they only see their own delusional pretense where they have really lost touch with life.
We all have aspects of that, but there is a difference. We can sometimes stop what we're doing, drop the delusion and be back n the moment; they can't. You can never ask them to stop what they are doing to be present in the moment; they have lost the connection, the connection to their heart. They can no longer be in the here and now without expectations as that place has become such a source of grief and terror for them that they can no longer not fill the moment with busyness, but it's a busyness that only leads to negativity, projection and criticism. They have lost the thread, but they can never admit this.
This is the true sadness of narcissism, and it only ultimately leads to loneliness and alienation. God bless those who can see this emptiness of busyness for the dysfunction it truly hides, and have heart that we can make life better by being true to our heart. Narcissists hate you for it because it is no longer who they are, it is only a shadow of what they have become. You are richer and more important in this simple fact, the simple fact that you can see the true value of others in the here and now, than they can hope to ever be or become; their pretense falls away in comparison.
Narcs seek out people who are malleable due to their tenderness, cooperative nature, and kindness. They see goodness as weakness. What a sad situation when you put it in those clear terms. My situation reflects this so I can relate.
Thank you Dr C for all your guidance💯 and thank you to Team Healthy.
I've grown to cherish you all. Happy New Year in 2023.
I hope everyone can find safety and peace. Cheers.
💜🐕
Soooo true. Til they see you can bite they're head off just as bad as them, if not worse, when you've finally HAD ENOUGH. THAT'S the moment narcs are FINALLY speechless!
@@RadAngelDMV Yes!! It changes us and not for the better. Then the narc says NEXT. Pitiful people. Cheers R-Angel
You carry on being YOU!
I don't understand why people think it's ok to penalise us for being nice❣
A happy and healthy new year ✨ 💛 💕 💖 ☺ to you too 🥂🎉
Hi Mariel. I agree. Well said. You use the words tenderness, cooperative nature and kindness.... Yes!.. WE understand those concepts as a healthy way of living, yet THEY use them as targets for their craziness.
Cheers Mariel. Have a ☀️☀️☀️day
@@amandaliverpool3374Well said 👍. It seems a common experience for people here on TH to have been penalised just for being nice...i think N people get jealous when they see people being nice, as they know they cannot be authentically nice themselves.
Happy N free New Year to you 🙏☀️☀️🙏
I swear this doctor was in my kitchen today! He knows everything that the Narc did and said to me today. The more I learn, the better I feel. Thank you.
Keep learning!
I completely agree. Sometimes I hear Doc C say the EXACT words and phrases I heard daily, weekly, etc.
No longer thankfully.
Cheers, and well said 🙏☀️
My former workplace was always FILLED with tension. It was a small staff, so the employees became very close. We became even closer when we realized our boss used these types of tactics. We all soon realized that she simply couldn't STAND it if everything was going smoothly. She would actively create conflict and tension. She THRIVED on it. We soon had to record our meetings with her because she was so angry and confrontational behind closed doors. And she would lie about it later and make it seem like SHE was a victim. And she triangulated communication. "I just spoke with a Board member and they are very upset with you because of ....but don't speak with them. They are too angry. Let ME handle it." or "I just spoke with the Director. He agrees with me that you are being insubordinate, and HE said that I must write you up." I soon realized that if she reported something to me that another person supposedly said, I need to go straight to them and verify it, especially if my boss discouraged me from doing so. That's how I caught her in so many lies!! It is such a relief to be out of that work environment, but there is still some anxiety and stress, over a year later. Your videos and podcasts are SO comforting and helpful!! Thank you, Dr. C!
Oh yes! Our narc does the same..."I spoke to x and they said y..."
One phrase Dr. C uses which I have imprinted on my brain is "Consider the source." Any time the narc says they spoke to someone, or claims to be relaying information...Don't believe it on first blush, Verify!
But be subtle, because for sure the narc is waiting to watch you run around like a chicken with your head cut off.
No one should have to go to work every day to a toxic environment. Causes physical sickness. Glad you have moved on. Cheers.
@@marieldavison5121 Thats our lovely corrupt Corporate Capitalist America for ya. Smh.
Sounds just like my childish wage-slave master. "don't tell your union, WE'LL take care of it". The HELL you WILL! 🤣
@@marieldavison5121 Thank you! Sending you well wishes for a Happy New Year!
Unfortunately, there's no compromise.
“Duper’s Delight” is a term often used on the UA-cam channel The Behavior Panel. In fact, it was on one of their shows that I realized a person close to me is narcissistic. That led me to get therapy and to this channel.
Welcome to Team Healthy! You & Dr C just taught me this phrase cause I had never heard it before either. Cheers.
I love the Behaviour Panel too xx
Does the narcissist love hurting you? Do they get off on it? I'm a newbie trying to get over a relationship with my narcissistic sister. It's so hard and I cry all the time. Not over her, but what she has done to me for 50+ yrs. She has turned some of my family against me. Does someone like that enjoy this? My husband is so supportive he says she just loves to see me so upset. I never have dreamed i could hate someone so much. I'm glad I'm here. I need help dealing with this.
Remember that you are just someone on her stage. You will not be the only one she mistreats. You didn't cause it, you can't control her behavior, and you can't change it. I recommend books by Melody Beattie, such as Codependent No More and The Language of Letting Go.
@@carolentringer8836 Thank you. Sounds like good books to read.
One of their dreams is to get an emotional collapse out of you in a sick game of "Gotcha". Understandable that you want to place boundaries between you and your sister to limit her emotional & physical access to you. You are smart to start on your own healing journey. Welcome to Team Healthy. Cheers.🙂
@@marieldavison5121 I don't care about boundaries because I will never set eyes on her again. 🙂
@@PearlLV88 ?
Being on Team Healthy brings clarity, comfort and great joy. A part of the day I look forward to with eager anticipation.
Very pleased, Vicki!
Team Healthy is wonderful! Knowing we're on to narcissistic people , and not letting them drain our energy.
Here in Southwest Arkansas we also " fix " our meals rather than prepare them. I chalk the difference up to personal culture. Now having said that PLEASE NO ONE TELL THE GOOD DOCTOR for New Year's Eve I fixed the BEST SOUTHERN culture meal: Hot Water Cornbread, fresh Turnip & Collard Greens, Black-eyed Peas, Fried Cabbage, Smothered Taters & BBQ Chicken. 😋🤠🥳 Happy New Year's to everyone ✨️
😊😊😊
🤣😂That sounds like an invitation to me! Ha ha Shoot us the address will ya!🤣😂
Ha ha. I Liverpool we all good food 'Scran' 😋 Sounds like you had some decent Scran 👍🥂🎉
Cool & Yes we eat well for luck & prosperity throughout the New Year.
@@marieldavison5121 Stamps, Arkansas 71860 & come on down!!!
I tried the nice approach agreeing with my narcissist family member and trying to be accommodating to their narrative but no matter what I did she would get aggressive. So I would try to explain my feelings on the situations. That didn't work. Her anger kept escalating each time she came around. The last time we spoke she had her final meltdown and I told her off. I didn't hold back. We haven't spoke since. I have known this woman since I was 8yrs old (I'm now in my late 50's) and she has always been this way. I just didn't live near her like I do now. She has ran everyone off from her life except one person (a neighbor) and shes blown up at her too. Its just a matter of time that she'll be gone too. She is the meanest, controlling, condescending, rude and entitled woman I think I have ever come across. She can be very nice and generous one minute but their is always a catch.
"It's not an argument if it's one-sided." This is so true. Instead of letting them pull you into an argument and getting you disregulated, just say "Okay Bro," and walk off. They won't know what to do with themselves.
Team healthy behavior is the best choice. Besides it drives them nuts when you're healthy and they can't rattle you. Who would have thought that being healthy is the best revenge? lol
That's a good word "rattle " They make such a fool outta themselves trying so hard to rattle you 🤣
I like you Dr. C. Thanks for being here and being someone we can have a little faith in. It's always very hard to find a soul you can trust and believe in a bit :)
Well said Kathie....precious words👍
Thank you Kathie. That means a lot to me. Best wishes.
Don't you just love the narcissist that always instill self-doubt into you when you express how you want to take steps to improve your life for example? Today it seems kind of insane to me that they want us unhappy and unsuccessful yet still in their control what good are we? The most interesting thing to me is almost 4 years in no contact and I still notice the gas lighting profile photos on social networks. In order for them to be productive and healthy family members they would need 20 years of counseling to even come close to what my standards are today. Trust me you're all so much better off without them.
Well said Chip. Sounds like it's been learned the hard way.
All the best 🙏👍☀️
They like you to be well enough to look after them but not well enough to leave.
Knowledgeable about them without expressing your own desires(how selfish of you)
As you grow confidence, they cut you down to size or 'pull the rug' that many times, getting up again and functioning becomes damn near impossible, until we go no contact and heal.
I went to marriage guidance. I was guided not to stay married!
I also went to 'positive parenting classes'. My conclusion...I was positive that he wasn't being a good parent!!!
All the best 👍 🙂 and take care 🙏
@@amandaliverpool3374 haha!! I like that…I was positive that he was not a good parent!!! ❤
I've recently learned by mentioning to the person you see through them it seems to ensure a silent treatment. Funny how something that once upset and confused you has now become music to your ears.
Thank you Dr. Carter😌
Stay strong, Heather!
Three years free.... August 11 2023..... Go Team Healthy!!!! Hey Hey Ho Ho, How do you want to make the narcissist go? Love yourself, set boundaries, find peace and don't let go. Don't associate with the narc any more than absolutely necessary. Be invisible to the narc if possible. Stay out of their line of fire. They are dangerous.
Can you hear me saying over and over again, this is my daughter? I’ve come to the conclusion that I just can’t have any more to do with her at all. She triggers me so badly that I spend all my time dealing with my emotions over her craziness. she’s 54 and I’m 74. I’m done.
Good morning Dr.C, abd everyone from Maitland Florida USA
Yes, the narcissist weaponized (cruel, even life-threatening) everything he abstracted about me. I am here, Dr. C, because I still have to come to some peace with the narcissistic relationship that is fortunately behind me.
Good luck JW. Keep listening and learning here. It'll take time, different for everyone. I've been listening and reading for over 2 years, parted from nex for o ly 3 months now, and just beginning to find peace. You will too.
All the best🙏☀️☀️
@@sturobertson6791 Thank you. Mine is taking alot longer. Years. But it is working. 🙏
J W My narcissistic sister told me to put a gun to my head and pull the trigger.
@@malibu90265 👍good luck! 🙏☀️
@@juliehurst6042 Oh no. That is unbelievable. Are you doing okay? Have you cut off contact with your sister?
I have to pause this video at the beginning to comment on the narcissist's smirk. Never heard that before. Brought up a memory.
When my sister was testifying against me at trial, she was talking about a trip she took my mom on late in her life. Suddenly she gratuitously threw in, "That's when I noticed she had dementia." Then she smirked, and I thought, "Wow! What was that about?"
She and my sisters (both narcs) were claiming they were very close to mom. (Mom said she only heard from them when they wanted something.) It was surreal to hear them describing the things I had done with and for mom as if they had done those things.
In fact, *I* had noticed mom's dementia coming on years earlier and had told my sisters about my concerns. I thought the smirk meant, "See, even this I'm going to claim to my credit." I also thought she was trying to provoke me into some kind of outburst.
Utterly bizarre. You can't change facts just by saying stuff (i.e., lying).
Also, is it an NPD game to become so unattractive/frustrating/unlikable that their supply avoids them resulting in the narc playing the victim (ie “you never spend time with me… I deserve someone who wants to be around me!)?
It’s seems to be part of gaslighting and purposefully inconsistent behavior. In fact, inconsistency is a huge part of the mind f***ery. It’s impossible not to walk on eggshells around somebody who is hair triggered and unpredictable.
I can’t wait to be completely rid of these kind of supposed humans. I don’t understand why they keep playing the same game when they can tell I know what they’re doing, but I won’t be sticking around much longer to try and figure it out.
Good for you 👏
Thank God I found this live
I'm glad you found it too!
I love how you give a full perspective by offering the healthy vs narcissist approach to life. Makes it so helpful in identifying a toxic relationship.
The smirk... I'm sobbing and crying after one of his many transgressions, and I look over and he always has a satisfied smirk.
This video was so helpful. I like the concept of “Don’t have to join them in their tumultuous lives “. This video has so many good points to think about.
I am a very giving and helpful person. Some people actually seem to be playing games about how much they can get me to do for them. When it just gets absurd, I back out of the relationship/friendship totally. It feels like they won. But I am glad I finally called it quits.
Smart🙂
@@marieldavison5121 Ditto 👍
Very well said Hortense. We think we are being kind (and we ARE)... But some people see it as a weakness.
One of the big things I've learned here, I dunno what to call it, selfish kindness or something.... I still do stuff for people, but I expect NOTHING back, including 'validation '.
It allows me to be more discerning about where my kindness goes.
If someone is in genuine need, I'm thete
If they are gonna take advantage, learning here has helped me to be able to spot it.
All the best Hortense 🙏☀️
They didn't win, they overplayed their hand, spat on their blessings and lost someone good and kind. I could almost pity them if I was a better person
Regarding the false self, Dr. C: does that mean
all narcissists are bipolar? Because I can think of quite a few who are 1 in the same!
Stay away from them.
A weight has been lifted off my shoulders.Your videos have helped me so much. Just left an abusive relationship. I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t see what he’s been doing. In 50 years he has not once acknowledged anything he’s done. It didn’t make sense. Now I understand. I feel relived he’s gone. Thanks so much for sharing your knowledge.
Always learning here! I never thought about how tension is used to control and dominate. I'm Southern so your words are just right by me. In fact, I still say I'm fixinn to ____, and of course, I fix lunch too! Made me laugh! Smirk smirk!😉💖✌
I visited Texas from Canada and I couldn't get used to hearing the phrase "...we sure don't".
I mean if I ask : Do you have hot tea?
The waitress would say "...we sure don't".
That just doesn't sound quite right to me!
As soon as I hear "...we sure..." I'm expecting the word "do" not the word "Don't".
Became a running joke the whole time we were in Texas/Corpus Christi.🤣
@@marieldavison5121 That's funny! How bout, "nope! We sure don't" 😊💖
@@ZarpeParadise Better!😉
@@marieldavison5121 In parts of UK some people say 'What can I do you for?' as a twist on 'What can I do for you?' Lol 🤣
A Wisconsin thing I grew up with was a “Yeah, no.” Where we would agree to the right to ask the question before replying in the negative. Example: “Will this road take me to where I’m going?” It was likely a midwestern thing to avoid just saying “No.”
Sadly that "live in" might have early Dementia. You may need to investigate nursing homes. Sooner rather than later, please don't let helping this toxic/sick person destroy your life. God bless your efforts to help.
I've completely cut off my Narcissus. Now I need to know how to get them out of my head and let go of the hurt. Would love a video about. Thanks!
Stay tuned for tomorrow's video about the narcissist who remains as a ghost in your home.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Tick in your brain ~ more like.
@@marieldavison5121 Yes, it feels like that. Don't want it looping through my brain like a broken record.
Hi Dr. Carter, Gus and Team Healthy from California. I think they are aware of what they are doing and enjoy what they are doing. My experience is that they plan what they are going to do well in advance. They are great actors and Dr. Carter is so right, do not lead with your emotions because by the time you realize what is going on, they have walked up one side of you and down the other and started the trip over again. We appreciate you so much and how we learn from you Dr. Carter. Thank you.
What I love about this channel is the likability of this guy! Duping delight is something body language readers named I believe
Reverse projection. Suppress it, openly aggressive, passive aggressive, assertive and go to your higher priorities
All of this was so spot-on to my life. I especially appreciated hearing your advice regarding the narc's "problem"-solving techniques, as this is pretty much a daily occurance in our household.
I often want to hurl a stoneware mug at the back of his head while I unload the dishwasher and he watches sports, (don't worry, I won't), but I know that would be horribly disasterous for me, (not him, because I'd miss), so I just go through the motion, (without the mug), and try not to throw-out my shoulder. I am, after-all, striving to be a "person of peace".
Certainly don't hurt yourself. He sounds like a real provoker ~ they love those "Gotcha" moments. Stay strong. Cheers.
Hi T Gilbert. Your safety comes pretty much at the top of the list. Be safe, you have a RIGHT to both BE and FEEL safe.
If you don't... Consider what you can do to run from your relationship.
Don't defend or justify your partners behaviour. If it's a pattern, it's likely to stay this way.
Sending you really positive wishes for safer and happier times 🙏☀️☀️🙏
I love team healthy❤ Wishing everyone a happy new year from California
🦋SURVIVOR🦋
Back at ya! Hope you are not in the flooding zone I saw on the news. If so stay safe out there in Cali. Cheers.
@@marieldavison5121 thank you, actually there is a flood warning this evening, it’s been raining for two weeks already and some more rain to come?
Good news… Lots of snow to skiing😊🦋
Yes, this makes me feel less alone! 😍
Hey Betsy. You're not alone! 😊
Real support from real people here on TH... and... You have an amazing person right by your side...
YOU☀️🙏
A small thing perhaps, but I've never forgotten it: as a little girl with my mother to the city, it was a nice day, and at the end, in the bus, the comment: 'I have made an appointment for you next week at the dentist.' That was not necessary, to tell at that moment. My day was ruined.
Dr. C, I whole heartedly agree with what the listener had said in that he/she doesn't feel alone when listening to you and being part of Team Healthy. I find myself replaying previous videos you had posted, and it helps me when I feel alone, or my days are not going as well. You provide reassurance, clarification and motivation, together with a sense of understanding and togetherness. It keeps me grounded. Thank you for all you do and thank you Team Healthy!
I think you said how we all feel. Nice one👍👍🙏☀️
@@sturobertson6791 thank you Stu 😊
@@annette2153 Hi Annette. Remember, if you ever do feel alone, you are with someone amazing!
YOU are your amazing companion on this journey.
Bless you Annette, and thank you for your words. It's great to be here on TH with you. 🙏☀️🙏
@@sturobertson6791 Thank you Stu, it sure is nice to see everyone's names during Dr. Carter's midweek sessions, isn't it?
@@Chris-dw7gq I totally agree, Chris
Hi Dr Carter and Team Healthy
Hi Stacy!
3:50 yup. This morning my husband complained that I eat too much although he also complains that I’m too thin and he said he wishes I would just die and threatened to beat me if I said anything else to him while he kept talking to avoid hearing me. All before eight thirty AM. Morning and evening every day like that. I’m ready to leave him the next time he goes out of the house. Thirteen years is more than enough abuse.
Omg! I hope you left that jerk.
yah I think you wife found the perfect winter food " Sweet Potato Souffle
Celebrating Sweets
5.0
(63)
1 hr 10 min
Sweet potatoes, brown sugar, cinnamon, eggs, all purpose flour
Sweet Potato Souffle
Food Network
4.7
(193)
1 hr 55 min
Sweet potatoes, brown sugar, eggs, all purpose flour, vanilla extract
Sweet Potato Soufflé
Southern Living
4.9
(7)
2 hr 45 min
Sweet potatoes, brown sugar, cinnamon, eggs, all purpose flour" high ratings!! I will try soon :)
My wife, Jennifer, does not use flour, but try this one with a bit of banana/pineapple puree! She's a big Southern Living fan!
@@SurvivingNarcissism I think I will take Jennifers advice :) I love southern people they like me a lot I think they get swedish people very well in the us :) we are very intentionally very well mannered (another superpower ;)
that´s one of the basic question that brought me into this topic - what am i for these people ? why do they treat others this way ? how long do they think they can get away with it until someone snaps
The Narc: "Every summer I go to Monaco and swim in the blue waters and the billionaires in their yachts wave at me and say 'You look like a mermaid! You must come and drink with us, our party won't be anything without you'."*
Me (laughing): "But you said 'I can't! I 've got no legs!'."
Narc glares at me, seething.
Me: "I think I'll have salmon salad for dinner tonight."
*The narc is totally broke but possesses an abundance of lies.
Respect and knowledge is important for us to live but ignorance to get out of there is not ease is impossible.
There was a narcissist that like to keep me on the phone forever just to hear the same thing over and over again. I just said I don’t want to talk on the phone anymore. You can call and leave a message. They tried to break through but I just say I don’t want to talk on the phone and get off. Seems to be working so far.
LOL at the "fixing" comment. Being from the south, I can totally relate. I once told my supervisor I was fixing to file a report, to which he good-naturedly replied, "No, you are PREPARING to file your report, not REPAIRING to file your report". Thought that was pretty apt, never forgot it, but can't claim that it totally eliminated that southernism from my vocabulary :-)
Sir Dr. C ur support & ppl like ramani etc. its so inspiring & uplifting for the the victims of narc abuse. The world is neither built by narcs nor is sustained by these vampires. Mankind is grateful for the good u are doing.
Wow this is so timely in relation to what I'm currently dealing with! Yikes.
Why deal with misery and evil. Get out like we did...
My mom was like this. She’s still in my head, and I either fight or avoid people like her. You are teaching me a better way to deal with them.
Dr. C! What if it’s your child!?🦋
You have helped me so much to understand what has happened to me the past 36 years and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I continue to struggle with my feelings of doing something unpleasing to God. Without going into a deep dive about the toxic behavior of my husband’s mother and step-father, they are now elderly and asking us for money so they can live where they want to live, not where they can afford. You see, they have made choices in the past that have landed them in this financial situation, mainly step-father stepping into criminal acts causing him to lose his lively hood. Now, he is demanding that my husband take care of his mother financially so they can live at this place he moved her into without having the means to do so. We are in our sixties, we have a disabled, autistic daughter that we have to plan for when we are no longer here, as well as ourselves. My concern is God’s commandments to help the needy and what he will say if we tell them no and put our daughter and our welfare first. This situation is causing me much anxiety. My husband and I have been seeking help from a counselor. We have given them money in the past and they have not been good stewarts of that money nor have they ever made an effort to pay us back. In your wisdom, will we be ok with God if we set this boundary and say no?
No is a perfectly reasonable answer .
But, if you don't the MIL may want to come live with you.
My husband had tension dripping off him always and I mean ALWAYS!
I could just feel it.... It was easier for me as the yrs wore on. I just became use to it. It bored me, so I would physically remove myself to get away from him.
But he would always find me and try to be jovial and a motor mouth talking about things he had been thinking about ( in a serious way) Ha!
My famous take away was .....Really...WOW! AND LET IT GO
He wanted people to see me with him because he said being with me made him look normal.
I do anything I can to avoid riding in the car with my narc husband of 15 yrs or going out in the boat or out to dinner it is a sad way to live avoiding being in a situation where I have to communicate with them when I can’t avoid a situation or riding with him it always becomes a situation where he baits me for a reaction . It has been only the last several years that I realized why I was subconsciously avoiding any one on one situation or situation where I can’t walk away and escape from the madness he creates ! Just today he was using my son to try and get me to come to the farm with them ( the farm I have never seen we bought it 3 years ago because it would mean I was stuck in a situation he would be baiting me and he was in control of how long I would be stuck with him ! I said I’m not going I have too many things to do at home ( truth ) and I have nothing to do at the farm it would be a waste of a day … another truth .. his response when I walked out of room but loud enough for me to hear .. you don’t want to go because it would mean riding in the truck with me .. 😂 well at least I know that you know what your doing and you can see that I avoid being in a situation I can’t get away from you .. he knows I’m on to him that’s obvious .. his other fav comments “you make me miserable “ you can’t communicate 😂😂 why should I try . What’s wrong with you “, why am I married “
Oh my god, I laughed my ass off when I read your post. That’s such an accurate description of my life with that miserable Ahole I’ve spent the last 30 yrs. with. I’m thrilled to say, he’s been gone for a yr now and I’m still grinding my way through the divorce process.
My mother does or says something very obviously wrong, for instance she took it upon herself to throw my mail out without having me know about it. I'd actually seen mail in the mail box earlier that day and thought I'll clear it later. Anyhow I just asked was there any mail for me. Yes she replied it's in the bin you didn't want it. Arghhhhhhhhh mum you don't get to make that choice. Straight away she went into attack mode, it's not her fault it's the first time she's ever thrown my mail out. She rushed to the bin grabbed mail and had a tight grip on my mail and wouldn't hand it over. Fighting to hand my own mail to me, screwed up face and aggressively talking at me.
Well mum stop throwing my mail out it's not the first time and you have no right and walked away. She wanted to argue I refused. These sorts of things happen all day every day where she is constantly trying anything to get a reaction out of me it's so exhausting. I'm like find a hobby woman other than trying to annoy the crap out of me.
That sounds like bizarre and childish behavior on your mums part ~ also dangerous for you when she plays the victim and accidently gets hurt in a tussle. Be so careful she is provoking you.
That smirk!!!!😂 If you are unsure if someone has bad intentions, that smirk is the tell.
They just don't what happens but they want to help. The game , figure what they do. It get worse.
This is so true. I fell into that trap time an time again which in time I let my boundaries go down Ani became more an more anxious. Till I was becoming from the anger from not being able to open their eyes to their injustice I would react to violent out bursts with the same as they were doing. They didn't like it but they got what they wanted My REACTION
Which INTERN let them go see I told u were unreasonable an out of control. I am now 30 days leaving this person. It's very hard due to the fact I was raised by a very Toxic Mother. I am to old to keep playing these games with the bad choices I've made
I want to make it out an clean my thought process
I can only change myself I know I Can't or Won't be able to EVER CHANGE THEM. I Thank U for Your time an energy you put into this channel.
The person I live with has many narcissistic tendencies and seems to have two rule sets: one for being in public and one for when we’re alone. For instance, he slurps his drinks in a way that’s so nauseating, I literally have to leave the room and stomps, slams cabinets and anything else that’s boorish, but in public he behaves like a civilized human.
Is that an NPD trait?
Wow! I could have written that! My husband acts like a great guy out in public, usually. He stomps around the house in steel toed boots, slams doors, bangs anything that can be, slurps very loudly & seems to make as much noise as he can eating, clinking, smacking, dropping his fork on the plate. I'm sure he's trying to get to me & I'm not being paranoid. After 33 years he knows how to push buttons & the more I work on ignoring him, the more he ramps it up. Yet he'll be helping old ladies out in the supermarket or going out of his way at Lowe's to help people. Even drove someone's plywood home for them once. Total strangers! A great guy until he's 2" from your face screaming & spitting on you or having a tantrum over a can of mushrooms. I wish my therapist was more like Dr. C & could understand why it's so difficult to ignore. Can't explain here why I'm unable to leave him right now just in case someone comments that I should.
Eta: I do believe that the 2 faced behavior is a sign of narcissism, combined with trying to annoy you or upset you on purpose, that is baiting.
It's narc behavior alright ~ called being Duplicitous. Actually are one way but act as if they are another. They like to fool everybody by concealing who they really are. Sick.
@SAHdogwrangler I don't know if it's possible in your area, but it is worth looking for a therapist who truly understands narcissistic abuse. Many, many do not! Many therapists don't seem to even be familiar with the Jekyll-Hyde, public/private-split-the-size-of-Pangaea, "change-personalities-in-an-instant-if the -front-doorbell-rings" aspects of these people.
Dr. C - We “fix” our food here in SC too. We also “mash” elevator buttons. 😂
Yes to dupers delight! They have an evil smile if they get you to react.
I remember one Christmas family holiday where we stayed in a house. One day my dad must have farted the whole night long. I asked him to stop but he thought it hilarious that I was upset and just kept going regardless, barreling them out a couple a minute in his favourite position on the couch where he kind of slides down the couch so his legs are wide open - nothing holding anything back. The main thing I remember is not just how annoying and disgusting it was but that he thought it amusing that I was upset and could not care less about my distress.
That's gross.
definitely, but he thought it his right to fart at home whenever, wherever he wanted without caring what anyone thought - except if he was in public I guess
Banana and pineapple in sweet potato casserole?! Sounds amazing🤤
She purees the fruit, then adds it to the pureed potatoes.
@@SurvivingNarcissism yum! Thanks for sharing
Is that why they ask you questions about an issue and then snarl at you for answering, “Don’t overexplain things!” ?
I'm from Texas and the word "fixin'" is a huge part of our expressions.
Of course!!
How does a narcissisit act when it cones to the passing of a family member and a lot of people around them showing grief? Dealing with that right now and I believe her sudden compassion and grief is fake but others think it's real and she does feel bad for not being part of a grandparents life the past few years (her choice) so we should pity the narc and feel bad for her.