Hearing this is absolutely exhausting. Why is it that the main topic of BPD is trying to justify the actions a borderline uses to cause absolute horror and pain to others. What they feel is immensely real and the words and actions taken are only to protect themselves from a pain that is so great that nobody can understand. Then how the stigma is unfair, and they need compassion and love. Ok got it. Now from a man who fell in love with a girl when he was a naive innocent 17 year old boy to now a 45 year old battered and beaten middle man, in my bitter moment I perceive that as just the continuing tactic that ends up causing more manipulation. We were married for 27 years. I had no idea what was going on so I just continued to try to please her in hopes one day things would be better. When were really young 20's I thought maybe it was due to our immaturity and things would get better in our 30's. Once you are in your 30's you realize you are still young and maybe with more time things will get better. I thought people in their 40's can't possibly have these ridiculous disagreements. But it never gets better. All the verbal, psychological, and physical abuse never stops. It gets worse actually. You cry alone for years, but you somehow still have hope. Eventually the pure love you had is literally beaten out of you. Then you are lost as you never knew anything else your whole life. You don't know who you are anymore.
@cabrerah33 Thank you for sharing this. The last 2 sentences summed up so well how I feel now after losing my partner to this (undiagnosed/10yr relationship). If there is any possible positive it’s knowing that I am not alone in this feeling. Wishin you well
@@jakimoon6113 Thank you.. It is good to hear that someone read and truly understood my statement.. I can tell in your response that you are feeling the same. I am sorry you have to go though this. You are not alone either. I will respond some more later.
@cabrerah33 I could have wrote your exact statement. We've been married 28 hears and I met her when I was 19 and she was 29. To say the least, I was VERY unaware of what BPD was or wasn't. Never heard of it. I am beat down and picking myself up, but it's something every day. I'm done and there's no helping them.
@@hurricaneaquatics Wow, you really gave all you could give. The time invested speaks volumes. I did the same thing. When i hear people speak of 2, 5, even 10 year relationsips. I know the didnt ecperience what that codition is capable of. But they are lucky they got out sooner rather than later. I feel now maybe giving so much and stsyig so long was a big mistake. But i couldnt see it at the time. I dont think i can give for a very long time. And i will never give like i did again. My nightmare didnt stop. I am living it still. Leaving caused her to try and destroy me. After deciding with a broken hear that i couldnt stay anymore she wanted to end me. She msde some threats that startled me . One she said she would send me to jail. I scoffed initially telling she couldnt do that. When she answered "Yes i can, you eill see" the manner she said was odd. Took a few days but i started thinking. What does she mean? Finally i let myself realise she mesnt she would accuse me of something. Like a crazy crime. Like rape or something. I told a couple people and they agreed it soundef dangerouse. I decided i needed to escape somehow when i had a chace a few months later she got reslly upset and she hit me wit a carpentar level. I didnt entio it before but she would thriw and mefrom time to time. I got used to it. We can take slaps, lunches and kicks no problen. But when they throw or grab wapons tht can be danerous. It got to whereshe grabbed a hammer and was about to throw it. I begged her not to and she didn't. But she will in the right citcumstances. Anyway with a lot of relucrsnce i called fot help when she ht me with the level. It wast that bad. She only ht me in the legs twice. She came at e swiging it but the first two were more to intimidate me i think. Like if i wouldnt have moved i would have got hit and she knew i would move. When my back was against the wall she paused while i tld her not to swing it anymore. She aimed at my legs to no leave obvious marks on my upper body. Police came she lied and i got arrestted. Her lies had to so elaborate to work and cps got involved. Criminsl charges where dropped but part of her act was agreeig with police to get a restraning order. She did, no she ad follow through. I fought the restrainung order. I felt i would win. i wss tlelling the truth and it made sense . Her version were lies and soundrd ridiculouse. Judge didnt see it. I lost the case...... I'll wrie more latet.
@@cabrerah33 I relate to this as well, haha. Oh yes, already been threatened with her calling the police and saying I tried to R her or did R her. Didn't write the word as UA-cam doesn't like that. She's different every day, sometimes loving just to try to get back in, most of the times she's unhinged. Well, I saw the red flags long ago and was in no position to leave so I started recording her. I set up cameras all through the house and I record EVERY conversation or comment. I have over 600 audio recordings and 100s of video of her abuse. Let her call the police, she'll be the one going. It's terrible, I love her and part of me feels pity for her but it's only a matter of time. She did something on 2023 that was a deal breaker for me. It would be too much to write, but it threw any trust of hope I had out the window. Hang in there buddy.
I am not going to advocate that people run as fast as they can, but I will say this as someone who has unintentionally found themselves in a relationship/caretaker position with a pwBPD: it is hard to constantly hear pwBPDs answer to the pain the cause others with “I am the one actually suffering” “I don’t mean to” “if you knew what I was feeling you’d understand” “you have to understand that when I do this it comes from a place of pain”. All of those are likely very true, however, there’s a problem. Metaphorically the emotional/mental/physical hurt that was dealt to the partner or loved one is like them being run over by a car out of the blue. We know you don’t mean it, we know it comes from your own pain, but being reminded that you are suffering also doesn’t really help me and is a bit difficult to keep in the forefront of the mind when I’m laying on the pavement bleeding from being hit by the full force of the car. It’s really hard because even the nicest and most compassionate person will hit the breaking point and either lose their empathy and build resentment or lose their own spark for life still trying to care for the person who is hurting them over and over despite their support. It’s really really soul crushing for the partner/loved one when they have to always be validating and empathizing, but the pain caused to them is only given the occasional cursory glance, and, if not entirely dismissed, only given the slightest bit of empathy in the form of cliche generic advice. That’s a road to depression and bitterness.
Yes. I went through this. It was on me to accept him as is and he ran me over and over, but was also so kind and loving. It's these two crazy sides that make you feel like sinking ship. I could never have a bad day, be reactive or upset. I was always to just understand his pain. Then the devaulation of me would begin. It was hard.
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
@@ericaharris616 Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
Morgan - well said - and unintentional is an important word. I never ever thought that my now former partner would turn out to be this way. I used to hear her say "I'm really struggling" almost daily - I swear. This was code for "My problems are more serious than yours are (even when my dad was in the hospital), or whatever you'd like to talk to me about. What you want is off limits." I've dated 2 pwBPD - unintentionally, but maybe I attract them for some reason - and one of them was less dramatic overall, but her splits were/are not just like being run over by a car, they are like being run over by a cement truck.
@@ericaharris616 Thank you so much for sharing/commenting here. It is super helpful. I'm with a person who likely has BPD. She is so wonderful and loving when she is - I'd like to think - being herself and at her best. However when she "splits" and devalues me, demonizes me, it can sometimes make me feel really horrible - and the devaluation can be about things that are almost trivial enough to be funny. How did you end it, or did he?
Anyone with bpd and working on themselves please don’t take the negative comments to your heart. Just work on yourself. A lot of people with bpd are attracted towards narcissistic and avoidant personality people. I am the proof that you can be in a healthy relation if you work on yourself. But that being said the main focus has to be working on yourself because once you have a good relationship with yourself then only you can replicate that to others. Good luck and stay strong . I believe In You
The same goes for everyone in life. If you work on yourself and love yourself honestly you will be a better person and be more ready for a healthy relationship. Not sure about attracting narsasists and avoident people though, as bpd people are on the border of narcasism and are drfinately avoident themselves, so that doesn't make sense to me. As far as I can see they attract careing compassionate patient quietly confident people , who have been through the fire and come out the other side but still get put through the mill. If they ever attract narsasists or avoidents then I guess they are having a mirror held up to themsrlves and have the chance to see themselves and change. But I'm not sure they are actually capable of that, as they just see themselves as victims in most situations. Even when they have someone careing and compassionate around.
@@somanyinsights1670 BPD is the most treatable personality disorder. I am sorry you had bad experience with some of them. But do you think it’s right to generalize it to everyone?
My girlfriend has BPD and I love her so much… I really try my best with her and she says I’m so sweet and loving but still at times she pushes me away. I’m a patient person but I hope one day she knows this love is real and ima always protect her if she stays.
Not true one bit. Most BPD are attracted to sucking the life out of a codependent because we put up with your guys’ crap and give and give and give. The toxic tango dance. Yes it is treatable. With years and years of therapy. Most aren’t self aware like you.. and most have narcissistic traits that lead to extremely horrible abuse for the few who stay in while the BPD “sorts themselves out”. Thus destroying the relationship in the process. Beating up a person for years while you get healthy doesn’t “just make a healthy relationship 10 years later” The healthy thing to do is split and have the BPD work on their side. Codependent work on their side. Then go find new partners. Damage has already been done. From both sides.. and anyone who would accept this fractured relationship is broken and has the lowest standards of what a relationship is. As it isn’t healthy..
I don't think setting a boundary that is an ultimatum is usually helpful. The reason I think this is because it is almost guaranteed your BPD partner will at some point cross this boundary. Are you going to leave them when that happens? I don't think giving an ultimatum will change their behavior because it adds to their anxiety. Either leave them (without any ultimatum) because you genuinely do not want the relationship any more, or stay with them and let them know you are disappointed with their behavior. It's better to build trust than threaten to leave. I think expressing disappointment is just as effective of a deterrent as an ultimatum, and it preserves trust in the process. An ultimatum serves no greater purpose. It just undermines your respect if you don't follow through. If you genuinely want to leave, you don't need an ultimatum. Ultimatums are so often a form of manipulation.
Although what you say it’s true. In my personal case I constantly struggle with the desire to leave and to stay. I don’t want to leave but it sometimes gets so hard that I truly just want to leave. My I should not let her know that but it feels almost impossible to not communicate your are just reaching a desperation point. It’s not about manipulation. It’s about truly feeling on the edge. Between the sword and the wall.
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
@@Metalmonkey80 Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
Totally agree that ultimatums about ending a relationship are a terrible idea. It is a good idea though to tell your loved one with BPD what is and isn't okay when they're not experiencing an episode and you can both calmly talk it through. It is then helpful, to ask them to agree to it. If you want to add an ultimatum, make it something like, "that will be the end of the discussion until I'm ready to talk to you calmly again." If they later cross that agreed line, calmy say to them, that the behaviour isn't okay and that if it continues, you will end the discussion until you're ready to talk with them again.
I agree. What's been the most effective is showing/communicating the hurt that your BPD partner is causing you, and showing some emotion yourself. If they have any empathy - and most of them do (not all) they will understand it. BPD is a complex illness and I've heard that there may be a spectrum introduced for it which makes sense.
I spent 6 years of my life with a BDP partner. The cycles happened each 6 months regurarly. Even though he was in therapy things never got better. The last 3 years we broke up for six months and returned after 6 months. The last year together I broke The Cycle and didn't break up. After six months I learned he was having a affair for the last 6 months. I let him go and he went with his new parter. After 6 months together they broke up because he was cheating again. He tried to come back to me telling me he was depressed and wanted to commit suicide. I decided not to fall again and I said no. Inmediatly out of the blue he began a new relationship. I learned I couldn't help him anymore and I have a life to live happily. I didn't deserve to keep suffering.
I just found out that my female partner has BPD. I only found out because she thought I was asleep and told me in my sleep. We have been dating for 4 months now and we haven't had any issues at all. My main concern is that i am noticing a change that she has been very sad lately. I can already feel myself trying to fix her. What would you recommend I do?
"...like arguing with a child." I never have been outside of my own perspective, and while I have been told that I do this, I never understood until recently. It took me a long while to understand that who I am at baseline vs who I am in a heated moment are two very different people. I have said many, MANY, regrettable things and hope I can improve on this. I never realized how bad it was either until recently as well.
My daughter has a friend that suffered from BPD, her friend is now on medication for it. Her friend, Gabby, says she also had no idea what kind of pain she was putting her spouse through, until she got help. I believe my wife of 20+ years has BPD, it's finally nice to have something to research that at least gives me perspective. I too struggle with wanting to leave and wanting to stay with her, I have known her since we were young kids. It's almost inconceivable for me to leave my partner behind, but like Jordan Peterson says: they are drowning and you can't let them pull you down too. Unfortunately, I am struggling through this all.
@@punkinhed I have had a ton of help with therapy, but the guilt of regrettable things is there (and being dealt with), as are the consequences. With time, all things heal, but I'm sure it has been difficult for most, if not all involved. I'm glad she's getting the help she needs.
Every other professional on the internet is saying to be a "doormat" essentially. I recommended DBT to my wife and she said "I don't have a problem, you're the problem." That was when I knew my marriage was over. She wouldn't work on herself. Took the kids away and proceeded to destroy my life in ever possible way from financially, socially, and emotionally and physically. They can be dangerous people guys. Records, document and go no contact if it can't be helped.
My wife and i were very close during childhood, meaning that i was witness to the onset of her disorder and understood parts of the causes. Before dbt started to work, i had to demonstrate that our relationship would never be at risk whatever she did. This gave her the courage to stop struggling against her disorder in order to address her inner needs. It only took a few weeks from this point before she was free of all mental illnesses.
@@cabrerah33 i watched the disorder become apparent as we grew up together - the diagnosis was impulsive borderline, there's no indication that this was wrong. she also suffered from a rare neurological disorder which is what had prevented the DBT from being effective first time around. as soon as I found a way to defeat that, then she returned to therapy and made a full recovery.
@@disdroid sorry to sound doughtful. But what time frames are we talking about? How many years? I met mine when I was 11 years old. I'm 46 now. We were together close to 30 years. There were years of peace along the way. I would have also said cured during 2006 to 2014. But it came roaring back. It was there the whole time. I
@@cabrerah33 when you mistook your partner from being cured, had she gone through the shift in attachment style? Did she have a secure attachment? There are many documented examples of people making a full recovery late in life, in fact it's extremely common in bpd. My wife's entire character changed, including her demeanor and mannerisms. The decades of illness became a childish game that we had grown out of. The dark memories lost their gravity. We had completely shifted into a perfect space with no friction whatsoever in any way. My wife became the epitome of wisdom, compassion and joy. Before then she had never smiled since childhood - she thought there was something wrong with the muscles around her mouth and consulted her GP about it. This was one of the signs that a full recovery was not only possible, it was incredibly likely. The only thing that had prevented therapy from being effective in the first instance was her neurological impairment - no sooner had I found a way to treat this then the therapy worked almost instantly. I was able to stop her from hallucinating, and prevent her from going down the rabbit hole that is neurosis. This enabled her to get a hold on her anger. Furthermore I restored her sense of self worth, the deciding factor.
Dont tell someone with a fear of abandonment that you'll leave them for something unless you mean it. Telling someone not to yell in an argument or you'll leave is not a good boundary. Rather say, Ill leave the room and cool off when things are hectic and Ill be open to talk again when you're also cooled down. Or something like that.
As someone whose been diagnosed for 14 years now and is open about it(informing closed ones) I would like to express my gratitute for addressing this issue in such a neutral manner. Common knownledge how unfortunely society mercilessly puts anyone or anything in the stigma box. BPD is widely different from individual to individual but rest assured that it is so very very painful and difficult not to act upon triggers. I believe this diagnose to be not a daily but rather an hourly struggle to "control" ones mind against bombarding intrusive thoughts. To anyone struggling with BPD that WANT to change and be a better person - try sticking for theraphy, medication, maybe engage daily in reading, learning and practicing new DBT techniques. Doesnt mean it might necessarily work for everyone alike (peoples brains are always built differently specially a brain that has been through trauma). I wouldnt have made it without amazing support true, yet i wouldnt made it many times if it wasnt for my hard work and self respect. Wishing everyone dealing with parents/partners/sons/daughters with this personality disorder love and strenght. Keeping in mind that love can heal specially self love. Stay safe
After ten years I just couldn't do it anymore, it was only recently she actually acknowledged she had it. Like many I just couldn't put up with the belittling, the controlling behaviour and alienating me from my family. I've been called everything imaginable and then some. The insults and being told everything you do is not good enough destroys your soul and if you don't get out then you will really suffer long term. The worse thing is she thinks she is a saint, but she has acknowledged her behaviours to a degree, I don't understand this. I wished her well but deep down I know she will just bounce from guy to guy and it will all end bad.
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
I have been there, healing from the insults is the hardest part, but we have to understand those insults came from a person with a disorder. The bouncing from relationship to another is also true. I have been single for a year, and he has been in three relationship already.
She never meant it.. it was just the reflection of her pain insider He hurt you bec she's hurting inside..it's not your fault but please understand while she's saying this to you her head Is spinning and She already wreck inside how can she present her self to you the way. She should when she's broken In the first place.. It's not ur fault but sorry She needs someone who Can handle her be better sorry again but I feel her
This one hit me hard. I have thought the nothing I do is good enough and she is martyr/saint in her eyes. It is always hard to point to one big thing, but the constant belittling to make herself better. She can’t be wrong and if you ever do anything that make her feel insecure HUGE fight. You won’t even know what you did but you are getting screamed at. Then silent for days followed up by having to state that “you are sorry for your part in the argument” cause “it takes 2 to argue”. Then dropped and want to just make up like nothing happened and you are left stunned.
This is really conditioning yourself to accept abuse. Love yourself first and find someone who gives you a happy and balanced normal relationship. You owe it to yourself: We're only here once and these relationships are nothing but damaging: All give and nothing but toxicity in return.
My husband was diagnosed with BPD in the 90s. Neither of us believed it. He was good at hiding it, but as the years passed, it became more clear to me. He's a porn addict, a gaslighter, blamer, and a liar. If I confront him, he will attack me emotionally and play all kinds of head games. Everthing is always my fault. On some days, I feel like I can't remain in this marriage another day, but we've been together 45 years.
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
the only "relationship" you should have with an "untreated" BPD, is something that aims to get her/him into into therapy , ... the partner with his "love" is only contributing to delay this process, and the wrong dynamics will drag both into the deep, and certainly , no amount of love will ever fix her. There are certainly a possibility to help the BPD helping her self with guidance while engaging in therapy, it can take some time, I have heard everything from 6 yo 16 years depending on the BPD severity. Note that BPD are on a spectrum , and with subtypes, just don't think you can help people with your love or compassion. If you are not a trained or educated the help you are giving can be damaging.
It Destroyed our family, she lost everything and still wont stop, they can’t help it, their trauma takes over. She is alone now, I still love her but no one can help l she can’t help herself. Communication does not work, they cannot communicate. Don’t bother. Save yourself time and energy and leave they are lost causes, UNLESS they can look at themselves but they think everyone else is the problem. What shes saying is this video is all well and good in a fairy tale land, all this stuff does not work. I tried it, they love misery, they feed on victimising themselves.
Not all people with BPD are 'bad', there's definitely a crossover with narcissism for many though. I feel that many have a one-way view of the world: they see what happens to them and reflect deeply on it, but do not see what they've done to other people and do not reflect on their own actions. This is in every area of life not just relationships. This makes it impossible to be in a relationship with them as they're constantly blaming, accusing, projecting and personalising everything. Protecting their inner wound is literally the centre of their world, nothing else matters but how they feel. It feels like no one can 'do' or 'say' anything without it being filtered through the negative lense of the borderline and warped into some sort of possibility of abandonment. Then this warped reality is taken as absolute fact and acted on accordingly. Definitely steer clear of these types of border line and remember those 3 C's the lady mentioned in the video!
Yeah, that's everyone dude. Including yourself. You think everyone else in the world reflects on all the damage and harm they have caused ? Everyone with a Tesla might as well have a bumper sticker that reads, "Slaver".
My wife said that she was diagnosed with BPD. Now all she does is look up videos that feature other people with BPD who explain how people with BPD aren't responsible for their actions and that everyone else needs to learn how to deal with it. We are heading for divorce because of her dishonesty and constant need to put us in financial crisis and her inability to stop with the horrific epsisodes of anger and manically flipping out. I'm tired of the manipulation and nonstop attempts at getting attention even if it's negative. Which is most of the time. I love her. And it breaks my heart but I have aged 10 years over the last 3. It's is literally killing me slowly having to deal with this.
I am right there with you! I feel like dealing with BPD has caused so much stress on me that I am losing years of my own life. I will be lucky to not have a heart attack by 45.
It's totally okay to take care of yourself and watch out for your own well-being and your own Mental Health you can never sacrifice these things for someone else. What I always say to myself is I love my girlfriend but I love myself more. And unfortunately I have to say if it's going to be her or me, it's going to be her.
It’s always the case as most have narcissistic tendencies/ co-morbid yet no one has ever been dual diagnosed yet they are finding most BPD are narcissists as well so… yeah lovely cocktail of chaos and drama It’s tough. Get into therapy for codependency and childhood trauma. It’s why we attract them in the fire tplace
@@ssing7113 I am starting therapy in a couple of weeks. Since I posted this she admitted to abusing pain medications and taking methylphenadate for the past 4+ on top of everything else. I couldn't believe it. She goes to a mental health and rehab facility this Friday. 🤞
Wow, I also question all that info on how bpd should not be blamed due to the pain they immense pain they have how they now no other way of dealing with it. That they mean no harm with the vile things they say. Everything they do and say is not intended with malice. I think it's BS. I think it's just the continuing tactic of their manipulative ways. The manipulative ways that BPD also claim are not their intention. I think someone with the correct credentials that happened to have BPD came with this diagnosis "excuse". They created a new avenue for the horde that they are a part of to continue their destructive ways. They keep doing it but they have the excuse that it's not their fault. And they can say they are working on it to show they have pure intentions. Seems like they like to bring up how the stigma the world has placed on them is unfair. Pure and simple blame shifting as always. You are lucky it was only 10 years. I waisted 28 years. Big emphasis on waisted. Good luck.
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel .
I think my husband has a borderline personality disorder. He has a severe mood swings! He changed his mindset from time to time. His plans are based on his emotions. He can change from sweetness to bitterness!
Get his T levels checked...and not by a primary but by a mens clinic. Primary physicians are generally rather weak in this department. As a mans T levels drop and get closer to his E levels, he can behave this way. Now, maybe it's not this, but if it is, it's an extremely easy fix where as BPD is not.
I am sorry Dr. Spelman, but I think that you are giving a context as every BPD situation is the same. It takes a lot of not loving yourself to deal with a BPD partner. That said, to everyone in a relationship with a BPD person, listen to me: GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP! Because you are first. You will not be able to help that person. The person will try to destroy your life because their reality is not a fact it's in their mind and there is NOTHING you can do. So do yourself a favor and save yourself court fees and more. Please walk away and concentrate on moving on with your life because it won't be easy. I said this cause I was in that position and I STILL LOVE my ex-wife, but I couldn't help her. It is not about love, it's about you and what is best for you. Take care ❤
I was used by a friend who I let live with me for 8 years who was diagnosed with BPD. She had a view of herself as a constant victim and in her mind the whole world was "bullying" her. Easily the most toxic person I have ever met in my entire life and I was naive for so long to think I could help her in any way.
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
@@beyourself9162 Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
So basically you've to tip toe round about them for the rest of your life. Don't. I wasted 3 year on someone with BPD. If you see these signs. Head for the hills.
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel .
That depends on if you love the person and how committed you are, she whether you're partner is willing to accept the need for help. Everyone has degrees of tolerance, but it's important to understand what the future might look like. Just because your loved one has cancer doesn't mean you ditch them... This is something that can be worked on and improved with the right therapy.
When I try to enforce boundaries with my partner, she often gets enraged and tries to barge her way in the room I'm in. Getting so close to my personal space and defying my boundary. This goes for in the bathroom or my office. She literally will not stop until I get so angry I yell. Please leave me alone! I really don't want to be pushed to anger and I really need better tools
You never tell a bpd person , let us talk about this later! They will split on you. What works for me is validation. So if im in a splitting, best thing to do is to assure me that you love me and youll never leave me. When he say he's going to leave...i get a bit aware faster...
It's really difficult...I'm not going to say too much but I will say if you're a person that tends to take the things people say to heart and perhaps are struggling with mental health issues of your own prioritize YOURSELF.
So what if say is try to recognise how much pain they are in, point them in the direction of therapy (it is hard to get them taken seriously tho). Remember it is a treatable illness, everyone with it is different and I've seen good outcomes. Sometimes the only thing you can do is leave for both of you. Never sacrifice yourself for someone else's mental health. Have a bit of compassion and respect for what they go through. I've never seen such humanity. Most of em are good people going through it. Ofc some people are gonna be bad and some good people do bad thingd but don't let them define the person you cared about because chances are they are so worth it. And hey maybe you can be friends in like 5 years when they get out of the mental hospital. Stay strong lads.
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
@@bernarddouthit4647 it's a complicated thing, some people definitely seem to get to remission. I'd say it depends more on the person ans their circumstances than the disorder. Nothing is impossible and people deserve more credit than we give them. It's sad how pll only see the bad parts of BPD I mean imagine if we only showed the bad parts of humanity we'd look like Pathological and fundamental assholes. It's not about getting rid of it, I'm not sure it works like that. It's about getting ahead of the eposides, having healthy boundaries and a quality of life. For some people it works out like that. Statistical speaking 90% of people are meant to reach remission in 10 years and a fourth reach it in 2. So ig there is reason to be hopeful. The pain doesn't have to be endless. Edit: don't fall in love with potential. Only date pwBPD when you are both ready otherwise it's a recipe for disaster and possibly suicide. You don't have to suffer just because someone else is. Types of no contact (they all take guts)... Fool proof: no responses to texts, emails or letters. The nice way: respond with a short standard message explaining why you're doing it (this could help with reality checking and grounding) The suicide risk is on them, always. Letting someone know that that's you're doing is less about making it easier for them and more about respect for their time and feelings.
I feel like people always use the 3C thing as an excuse for their own behavior. You can’t control them having a disorder and you can’t control their behavior, but just because we react more and feel things more strongly, doesn’t mean that our feelings are invalid. If my partner doesn’t tell me they can’t talk for 2 days, and I get mad and tell them I hate them or I use an unhealthy coping mechanism, my reaction may have been disproportionate to the situation but that doesn’t mean me being upset was unwarranted. they still didn’t tell about something important, that I have told them is a trigger for me, they’re still responsible for not letting me know.
You can set boundaries. The result of crossing those boundaries are you bitching about those boundaries being crossed, while you ignore the delusional thinking while they don't care about you or your feelings because they've already split, or are experiencing a manic like dysfunctional coping strategy. Might be a week maybe a month. That's what happens when you set boundaries. Also this condition exists on a spectrum and unfortunately some will not ever be able to have a long lasting stable relationship no matter how many years of treatment.
I really believe my wife has BPD. And yet I really blame myself for it. By the way, the only sign that my wife doesn’t do is fear of abandonment. She expects it. She always anticipates people leaving her. “Everybody else leaves me anyway”
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel .
@@joshuajones1319 Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel .
Couples therapy and DBT treatment for the person with BPD.Thus helps a lot. Many therapists purport to specialize in this area and don’t. They can be very harmful. Seeing someone who is an expert is critical.
One day they are sweet as candy but when they get what they want... you're in love with a cruel, selfish, 3year old psychopath. No real empathy, no responsibility. You are just a thing to them. Don't waste your life with someone who is trying to hurt you and ruin your life. No one can be the solution to their inner problems. Don't try to fix them. They have to fix themselves. Even if you took all the love in the world, you would never fill the black hole that is inside of them. Of course, they will never admit it, in their perception, they are always just victims. But they are the gateway to hell. For them and for you.
It sounds like you’ve been hurt deeply and your comment suggests possible mental problems. Don’t date someone with untreated BPD ever again for your own peace of mind, and possibly seek your own therapy to deal with unresolved anger issues/ extreme blanket statements.
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel .
Relationships with a person with severe BPD will never last without therapy. The constant abuse and accusations make will their partner leave. Its soul destroying, confusing and ultimately results in the partner having mental health or trust issues going forward. Get out once you see the signs and never look back. Save yourself.
I have difficulties dealing with my lil' sister who was diagnosed with BPD, because we were already in a bad relationship, way before she's diagnosed with it. As for me, she was a spoiled, childish and rude person. I got offended by her words so many times. On the other hand, she keeps thinking that I don't care about her mental illness. So we never had proper communication and somehow we continuously build a wall between ourselves. But still, I'm concerned about her condition. Lately, I keep wondering, how I can handle my bitterness, but at the same time, I can deliver my sympathy to her.
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
@Retha Siahaan You possibly need to talk to a psychologist that is experienced with BPD. Your sister obviously suffered with BPD years before any diagnosis and although the thought process don't make sense to an outsider, they're very real for the person with BPD. It's also entirely possible that joint sessions with her psychologist /psychiatrist will help you understand her better, identify or sooner and respond better when it's occurring.
could you make a video for kids? there’s a lot of abusive behavior that’s dished out to children whose parents struggle with this disorder, and more often than not, there aren’t any resources to help them understand and seek help. Many BPD parents refuse to help themselves, so the child is forced to cope with neglect, as well as emotional, and sometimes physical abuse with no one to turn to for healthy support. (leading to a high likelihood of the child developing the same disorder) Explaining this problem to a teacher at school is futile if there isn’t any physical abuse happening, but chronic emotional abuse is still abuse. Unfortunately, teachers are ill-equipped to help students struggling with an emotionally abusive + neglectful parent. UA-cam is a good resource for these kids.
RUN! And if you stay? Make sure you're using birth control. Those with bpd that aren't actively in therapy and working on their diagnosis? Will be debilitating to deal with if you end up having a child with them. Unfortunately, bpd tend to use children as pawns when the man leaves.
@@yeseniagarcia8412 Nobody called pbd women monsters. But everything he says is SO true. One of the most happiest moments of my life was when my bpd ex-girlfriend toldme that she lied about her pregnancy because she just wanted to see my reaction!!!!! And all that on a period of everyday unreasonable arguments and jealously for no reason. Having a child with a bpd its a trap.
@@yeseniagarcia8412 It does if you're actively doing it and realize it's wrong, yet you still do it. You're just using it as an excuse to be a horrible person and yes that can absolutely make you a monster.
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel .
@@Winterreise189 Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel .
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
The Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, DSM, lists 9 characteristics - unless it has been updated. I am not a counselor or professional, but I'd say at the top of the list is mood instability and what is referred to as "splitting" where the person idealizes a friend or romantic partner followed by a period where they devalue or demonize them. We all have good and bad days, but people with BPD are far and away the extreme. One day they may adore you and literally the very next they may find something minor you've done that they decide to berate you about in an angry way.
There are always red flags in a toxic relationship. Your body senses plenty of things that you simply choose to ignore. Never avoid your gut feeling. If something seems off, it more than likely is. If anyone is so perfect that it’s too good to be true, that’s because it is! It’s called mirroring. No two people have everything in common. As my almost 80 year old mom tells me even to this day, when you meet someone, you are not meeting that real person. You are simply meeting that person’s representative. Time will reveal all things good and the not so good. So follow your instincts. That’s what they are there for!
Well based on my experience I'm afraid that if you tell your partner with BPD that if he/she keeps shouting abuse you will leave the relationship, he/she will not be able able to refrain this urge and you will get stuck in the position where you will have to leave, or won't be able to stick to your word and lose credibility.
Hi my partner was diagnosed with bpd 3 years ago we have ben together for 5 and what a rollercoaster it has been not just for this reason entirely. I really struggle how to deal with the situation when she is splitting. We recently got married i love my wife and want us to last, but these silly things that turn into big arguments and make me feel like my feelings are disregarded are affecting my mental health. I would really appreciate any help with how i even address or express how i feel and what affect bpd is having on our relationship but also what to do when these situations arise. I feel like i have tried and changed a lot of things to avoid this but nothings seems to work. Thanks
4:24 An ultimatum might “work” if it’s something I have a decent amount of control over, but someone threatening to leave me is so triggering and makes me more unstable. (like if it was them making me stop self-harming, maybe I could stop, but it would take an incredible amount of effort to just stop, without anything actually being helped at all, it’d take a lot of energy to do, I’d be paranoid about doing it again and even more terrified of them leaving, if I mess up once they’re leaving me, I’d be constantly stressed because of it. It being triggering would make me more unstable, so I’d want to self-harm more, and it’d take even more energy not to, and I’d probably break and end up doing it again eventually, and have a mental breakdown because they’re going to leave me, and it’s my fault and I’m pathetic and a terrible person and I don’t deserve them and why am I even here. - I know this might sound dramatic, but I’m not trying to be at all, this is how my brain processes things.)
I think I'm kinda lucky cause my partner has BPD but he isn't abusive and we also try to work to regulate his emotions. he said this is the first time someone trying to understand his BPD and it honestly makes me sad cause he was indeed abandoned as a child and his relationship (romantic & non-romantic) never really works cause he keeps testing them until eventually they all worn out.
You're an amazing lady i had a BPD partner she was half British we live in Greece . it took me a lot of psychological sessions to the overcome her and im still recovering .We dont talk now and i dont think i will be willing to go back .the problem with BPD is they are highly intelligent, highly intuitive, highly sexual ,but as i see it they lack in emotional intelligence & intimacy .She was very sensitive to criticism . i asked her to take dialectical behavioral therapy but she did not want to despite i said i would pay for the sessions. But what i fail to understand is why the drug or alcohol use ????
Because they have their own childhood trauma and pain they need to sort. Why does anyone do drigs and alcohol.. because they’re unhappy. Lol Their chronically unhappy as you know You need therapy for childhood trauma and codependency..
they have childhood trauma. asking them to go to therapy is asking them to go through your whole life trauma again. drugs and alcohol make that pain go away. of course it isn’t good and definitely needs attention, you judging that person wasn’t helping. you probably made them feel worse.
The lack of emotional intelligence is due to arrested development. Although they are highly intelligent, creative, intuitive , successful in many areas, there are trauma events they haven't processed that maintain them in coping through child like ways. Hence the black and white thinking, splitting, that they might display during certain episodes. I see that very same thing with my 4 year old niece right now. " Best mommy in the world/ worst mummy in the world. " " I fell and got hurt and now blame all of you for it because I'm hurt and mad and don't know yet how to process this" I got Substance abuse is an attempt to suppress the constant stress and emotional dysregulation
Remember not everyone with bpd can get therapy due to the cost. I would love to get therapy but cant afford it and the public health system in my country does not provide help for people with bpd.
"BPD" partners in relationships are like a gangrenous leg. You can hope all you want for it to get better. But honestly just cut the fucker off and be done with it. I've had a "BPD" partner, so have numerous friends. It all ends the same. "BPD" just seems to be an excuse for vile behaviour. Don't bother with them. You'll only ruin yourself for someone who genuinely cares and won't use your feelings, emotions and effort for toilet paper.
I don't have bpd. My wife does and I'm really really going thru it on a regular basis with her. Divorce is looming around the corner cause I'm on wits end and getting extremely tired of the verbal assaults, umempatheticness, I'm tired of the vicious attacks emotionally. I'm gonna end up with a mental disorder myself if I stay with this person. I'm tired of her not working and helping me out, I'm tired of her constantly asking for money everyday as if she can't make money herself. She tried to fight me back on 2022 one day before my birthday, tore some of my hair out. She's draining me financially emotionally physically. PLEASE HELP
So we are both currently in therapy and I encouraged her to try DBT. Unfortunately it seems like every two days she is in the throws of negativity and depression. I tried to encourage her and talk her through it but it seems like I end up feeling drained and depressed after. I really need a few tips in this area. Thank you everyone
If they're untreated and complacent then here's some advice, run for the hills, and don't look back. My ex with BPD cheated on me on Valentine's day. There's nothing you can do or say. I feel like all my efforts were for nothing. I did the due diligence to learn about BPD, I set boundaries but they'll cross it regardless. The moment you trigger them, it's over so don't even try to beg for closure.
Hey, I'm really sorry that you had this experience, but please try to remember that your ex isn't the embodiment of BPD, I have BPD and I've never cheated nor have I ever had the desire to, even before I was treated. Also, the best thing you can do if you're wanting to date someone with bpd, do your research, remember that it is a very volatile illness for many people and if you aren't equipped for it, that's okay, most people aren't, but don't demonise us all based off of one or two people. I've been cheated on from people who weren't suffering any illness, cheating is different and if your partner used it as an excuse, that's really unfair, regardless, bpd doesn't make people cheat, I'm very sorry that you went through that. Even in my lowest and worst moments, I would never ever cheat, I've said to my partner that if I'm ever too much to handle or something, he can leave completely free of guilt, the door is always opened and I'm not trapping him at all, for example. We have our problems and I struggle with jealousy and insecurities and all that fun stuff, it's usually if he reacts badly to something when it gets worse, the best thing you can do for someone with bpd is reassure them, remind them of their worth and just overall be loving and uplifting, people with bpd can also love deeper than others too, we feel pain harder and love harder usually, it can be toxic from either side of the relationship, but it's mainly about communicating your feelings, setting boundaries, agreeing to things together and finding ways to make it work, but if you aren't cut out for it, that's also not the persons fault with BPD if they have warned you ahead of time (my partner knew before we got together) if I could get rid of my illness, chuck it in the ocean and live a happy, healthy life now, I would, but unfortunately, that isn't how it is and I'm taking the steps I can to get better, despite the bumps in the road and my episodes, I'm far from perfect, same with my partner, he can make things very difficult, but that's not his fault either He doesn't want to leave me and I don't really have the fear of abandonment anymore, because I know being single would be easier and less painful, but I'm still trying to make it work regardless
Seven years ago my husband was told by a therapist that she suspected he *might* have BPD (he had a very traumatic, abusive childhood). He stopped seeing her immediately. Now I feel like I’m the crazy one in our relationship. He tells me he loves me, then he’ll tell me he doesn’t love me, then he’ll tell me that we wouldn’t have broken up if we didn’t have children, then he tells me he doesn’t like me, etc. It’s always horrific after he returns from visiting his older brother - who is struggling more than my husband is. I am at the point where aI am in this marriage for our children’s sake. But he makes me feel very unloved and all alone.
im really sorry to hear you feel this way katie. you sound like a very supportive person and caring too. i am also in a relationship with a woman who has BPD. i understand to a degree what youre saying. i hope you get peace. much love 💖
BPD partner’s reaction to “the 3 C’s” : You’re the reason I react like this! ( you caused this.) I wouldn’t react this way if you weren’t so stupid or didn’t do certain things. (you are in total control of me.) There’s nothing wrong with me! You’re the crazy one! (there is no need for a cure. You are the one who needs to be fixed.)
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
You can run as fast as you can because most people with this diagnosis have big problems when it comes to relationships. Its even not their fault, they had super abusive childhoods. Again, save yourself because chances are very high that your soul will be damaged, abused by the person with BPD. I am in my second year in Therapy, my ex did put me to the trash from one day to the next. The day before she told me it is the best relationship she ever had. Most people with this diagnosis are completely lost in an ocean of constant changing feelings. They need to learn to regulate their feelings in therapy…. stay away from untreated BPD people. They can be nice and sweet, but they also can be super mean abusive and outright dangerous… Specially if you have children, never have a relationship with someone who is emotionally unstable. It will also hurt your kids massively….
I understand but sometimes it can be to much for the other person. I don’t think people understand that, sometimes if feels like it does not work.I never knew about a lot of disorders until a few years ago.
Why don't you say husband, wife, boyf, or girf? Why is it that everyone in this world is trying to say partner instead of husband or wife. Oh I get it we r trying to replace husband or wife with partner because we don't want to upset the lgbt community right?
@@johnnycarter2283 Partner is just easier to say is it not? If they aren’t referring to any specific gender why would they waste the time by saying ‘if your wife,husband,boyfriend,girlfriend has bpd..’ instead of just a quick ‘if your partner’
@@moomoocherub2190 the whole point of them saying partner is to satisfy the transgenders and homosexuals out there . For example if 2 men are married they can't call either one wife because they r both men. This world is going downhill all they are trying to do is shove all this homosexual mess on us all and try to force us to think it's normal when it's not normal.
Purchase the fastest vehicle you can afford. Fill the fuel tank. Drive as fast as you can, away from the person with BPD. Dakar Rally, Baja 1000, and East African Safari Rally are good starts.
@@Bbx4943 deal with your own shit first. That goes for all of us, and failing to do so is our worst mistake. It's certainly been mine. We actually can be horrible and unlovable. It's nobody else's responsibility to ruin their lives just to make us feel better about ourselves. When we get to where feel like we're lovable, we're a lot safer to be around. And we can get there. It's just wrong to try to avoid the hard work by finding a codependent to victimize. You're just a human being, like anyone else. You're lovable. Learning to FEEL like you are, though, is the way out of the minefield for yourself and others. Best wishes!
@@barrydworak I’ve been dealing with it for 17 years and I have bpd bc of my add, I’m bron with add so can’t change that. I just don’t want to feel alone anymore
People with BPD should absolutely seek help and take ownership of their behaviors. That being said, it's beyond frustrating when I see comments like this. "GET THE EFF AWAY FROM THEM BUY TICKETS RUN CHANGE YOUR NAME CHANGE COUNTRIES" Oh, man. It's painfully obvious when I come across those jaded and scarred by experiences with BPD people. And while I do feel empathy, and I absolutely agree you've got to look out for you, this is just such a disrespectful way to get that point across.
@@walkerlocker6126 That's contradictory. Your acknowledge that people who ACTUALLY DEAL with others who have BPD end up posting this exact thing. Why do you think that is? You prove me right. I don't care what your excuse from the DSM is, if you can't help hurting people, you're a bad person. A bad person needs to fix that alone, with a counselor, with a support group, NOT by finding more victims. That's true for all of us. Codependent need to do the same and if we find ourselves attracted to BPD, we need to run away, hole up and get help. Your only objection really seems to be that the truth makes perpetrators feel bad about what they do to other people. This is downright sick.
my boyfriend has bpd and 2 days ago he pushed me away. he usually does this for about a week if hes going through stress and im not giving him the attention or love he wants. the thing is though he's acting like he's suddenly become gay (after intensely loving me, a genderfluid who is primarily a woman physically and emotionally for over 2 years) and has even got a boyfriend. i feel really bad for this guy and im worried that my partner will be too worried about hurting him to come back to me when the episode is over. can someone please reply to this to talk about it and support me
@@lamawehbe1045 i found out who the boy was and hes way worse than my boyfriend, he tried to make me do the same thing to me before. me being pushed away had nothing to with an episode but my boyfriend being manipulated. hes back now and we both cut all contact with the other party
I have bpd. Been there fr a year now. Got worse in the past 7 months. I think i abuse my partner. He talks to me normally and i just lash out at him , abuse him , make him feel bad and make him regret everything. Its like when i ask him to do anything he must and if he doesnt then ill lash out. He tries to be logical and explains everything to me logically but i cant handle it. Ill gaslight him manipulate him and threaten to kill myself. I have thought about killing myself but ik ill never go thro it just yet.. i feel so much pain when he doesnt do as i say. I tell him how i feel in detail i told him i have bpd and he keeps giving me logical reasons or saying stuff like this in ur hands dnt blame me u should control ur emotions etc.. i dont need logical reasoning at rhat point.. and he doesnt understand that. It makes me cry all night and once i have a bad episode it lasts for days ill stay in bed and not go out and maybe binge eat.. he says he wl try not to do it again but he does it every time. I want to feel loved even if its on text. If i feel like the tone is off or the words are off ill lash out again.. i tell him i feel worthless n uncared for and unloved for.. and he says i just assume things. Another bad ep just happened now. And ive been crying for hours.. he knows i have .. and if i tell him he wl say why ? What did i ever say to u ? What hurt u? And im like...... u still dont know what u did and its like the 1000th time its happening and u still ask me what hurt me ? We r both about to be doctors so yes we are aware of bpd and all yet he does not cater to my crisis . And he wl pretend to be normal in a few hours knowing all the hurt i went thro and the hours i spend crying and that makes it worse that he just doesnt care or thats what i think it is..he often says its not going to work out bw us but then he never really breaks up with me or leaves me . Maybe he is used to to the abuse i cause and he cant imagine his life witbout me. I also get panic attacks when i feel v sad or hurt. And my thoughts spiral into negativity. I do feel regret maybe 3 days later. But then again the cycle continuies. Again sometbing will trigger me which wud never trigger a normal person. What do i do ? How do i educate him ? I have nothin under control i dnt want to take meds..i went to therapy once n then my doctor got busy and is puttin me off.
It’s people like you that cause the stigma for people like us with BPD, the comments here reading about what people think of me and others with this mental illness is honestly heart breaking. I’m actively seeking to make myself and my life better, I’m medicated, I’m in therapy, I’m about to start BPT therapy, honestly it’s no one else’s fault we have what we have, sort yourself out. Get the help you need or you will lose every single person in your life or possibly your life.
I recommend trying a new therapist. Work on bettering yourself, be the person you think your boyfriend deserves. It might mean you have to walk out of the room for an hour to calm down (or maybe for a few days) but I believe you can be a good person, but you need therapy to find out how. You can get better. Please don't let everyone make you feel evil, you're not. You're hurting, but you can stop the pain (or at least reduce it to a manageable level) with therapy and treatment.
I don’t even have to read this. I have been in that situation. I stayed too long. It damaged both myself and our children. You cannot help your partner. Period. You stay because there is a child like sensitive affect that they sometimes show.. it is not authentic. There is absolutely NOTHING yiu can do to help your partner. I am telling you from a place of love-leave NOW.
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
I’ve set a boundary for about 2 years now… I wanna reconcile and see how it goes/how she has healed (I told her way back then I’m cool with leaving her alone if thats the outcome).. pray for me lol
@@hashimarabey9195 crazy story I saw her today was real suprised but was lovely we both had a lil more clarity and gave her a hug at the end. Praying for everything in this process can get real tough at times hope all goes smoother here on out 🤞🏻
@crizzyplays, I see this comment was 1 month ago.. I’m curious, did you reconcile with her? And, if so, how are things going so far? I’m asking, because I’ve been gone from my BPD partner for almost a year now, though we talk on the phone at least 2-3 times a week. Our relationship lasted 15 years! “Roller Coaster “ definitely describes those 15 years!! I finally had to leave, to literally save myself! Since I’ve left , and after her 2 suicide attempts, “because I abandoned her” (her words, not mine), We both have been soul searching and working on our own issues, with our separate counseling/psychiatrist.. I know I have become a stronger, healthier, person! And, she tells me that, “she has also”! My ex-partner is now talking about possible reconciliation for us, in the near future. I , on the other hand, am Not so sure that would be a good idea, and I have told her that! Also, have told her, I’m extremely fearful of our relationship, eventually, going back to the same toxic relationship we had in the past, if we did reconcile. I believe I couldn’t trust it not to! As BPD can’t be cured, though I believe it can be controlled ( with constant awareness that it still exists). I’m just not willing to take that chance again with her. I came away from the 15 yrs I was with her, a “Broken” person! I was so traumatized, and damaged, from that roller coaster ride, I’m seriously surprised I survived at all! I still Love her, and always will , but, am I willing to step into that “minefield” again? With the hope of not getting blown up this time?? I’m thinking, NO! I’d like to just stay friends, like we are now.. talking periodically on the phone, but, living our own separate lives! Her hope is for “more than that, one day”. 😔 Sometimes I wonder if that would work?? Ever?
Sorry its very rational and cute but this doesn't cut it most of the time they are telling you to go treating you like shite then treating you really well again they don't give a f about you love you or care
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
Just exited an 8 mo relationship with a diagnosed borderline which to me is just a narcicist without the negative stigma I am in no contact that means blocked everything including cell and text. In all the descriptions I never got a satisfactory answer to the fear of abandonment part she never showed one iota of bieng afraid of me leaving her but looking back it hit me her fear of abandonment manifest in having other potential partners waiting in the wings that way when u threaten to leave over their outrageous behavior they have back up all ready to go so don't take it personal when you hear fear of abandonment there not afraid of losing you personally.they are cluster b they are very close to narcicist and operate much the same way no empathy they don't bond.what a lose lose situation heres how it goes ( Hi I have borderline which.means you should feel sorry for me when I act like a cruel selfish manipulative human being and better yet I have a license to do so IE you have to feel sorry for me when I act out, because I suffer well really make others suffer from my disorder) these are manipulative people that have no pity for anyone but themselves
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel .
This is not good advice. If they are not in therapy, you should not be in their lives. Also, never give an ultimatum. If you are going to leave, just leave and never say anything. Your personal safety is the only thing you are responsible for. I almost lost my life on several occasions. The final time I left, I got a restraining order and then finally a divorce and went no contact whatsoever!!! The number one rule in any toxic relationship is never tell them you are leaving! Even attempting to set boundaries triggers them and could be the difference between life and death!🙏
"When you're both calm" ie never, for the BPD person! Also, setting a boundary is laughable. That just gives them a target to aim their abuse at more directly.
You cannot help them. They must want to receive help. They must actively participate in their own healing and treatment. Leave. They need to embark on their own treatment and healing path for the rest of their life without relationship complications. Many many years of time on their own, and maybe... MAYBE... someday, if they continue to work and build skills they could perhaps qualify to engage in a relationship.
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
why are you acting like we’re incapable of loving someone or being loved ourselves? yes i agree that we have to put a lot of work in to gain skills and strategies to help us manage our condition but we aren’t monsters?
@@trashman2256 I'm doing nothing of the sort. I said nothing about love. I said nothing about monster. I did however, imply heavily that accountability is key, to self, first and foremost. I wish I could say I've never experienced the level of gaslighting and deception that you're presenting, go so far as using words I never did, but what you're doing is practically a universal response. Take responsibility for yourself, or give it away so you can blame others. Do whatever you want. You cannot ignore the consequences of those choices, however.
@@tedlogan4867 i never said you said that tho? i said that you’re acting like it, those two words are quite different. from the way you wrote the comment, it came across as you demonising us and your choice of words gave off the impression that you were trying to say we are incapable of being in relationships.
@@tedlogan4867 it’s hardly gaslighting and deception to an extreme level if i’m just stating the way your comment came across but okay. this is what i was talking about in my reply to your comment originally, the adjectives you’re using to describe people with bpd are quite rude. i’m sorry you had a negative experience with someone with bpd and i 100% agree with you that self awareness and self help are key to recovery however, please be careful with the way you word things because they can be really damaging to people with bpd.
It's just a medicalized way of saying someone is an a**hole. If you see BPD behavior and you don't want to be an unpaid psych ward worker for the rest of your life, get away. If you *have* BPD, just stop being a jerk, dude. Listen when your partner tells you you're not treating them right!!
He is treating me if i dont communicate properly that he is going to walk away from this relationship but i have calming histrionic personality disorder ,he has the one bpd. So how will we handle with their treats? Because at the end of the day he says we are going to marry, right? Or do you love me? And etc
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel .
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel .
my ex has bpd , after dumping me ( I still don't know why ) she got really angry because I moved on and refused to stay friends with benefits ... she lost me forever and she repeats the evil patterns with another victim. Do not listen to their BS , just run for your life.
Most likely because they assuned (correctly or incorrectly) that you woukd leave them. Its common. Bpd is an abandonment disorder primarily. I.e. they are afraid of abandonment because of that pain. So logically if THEY leave YOU the pain wont be as bad
@@d4arken3ds0ul , how do they Not see that as Fu**ed up thinking?! Especially, if their partner does and says everything they can think of, to prove their Love for them?! I was her biggest supporter, her biggest cheerleader, her biggest fan! I had Faith in her strength to overcome so many obstacles, so many challenges in her life, I knew, because I’ve seen her do it! She was amazing! I “understood” her issues with BPD, I understood it wasn’t the way she “wanted” to be, I forgave her “nastiness” and her “bitterness”, and her downright “abuse” towards me! I accepted her apologies, every time, after her “episodes’.. believe me, there were 1,000’s of them!! But, yet, she continued to self destruct and try to destroy the relationship over and over again! We were together for 15 years.. before, she finally succeeded! And, got , it seemed to me.. what she wanted ! I was exhausted 😩! I just couldn’t take anymore! I had No effort left in me! I was defeated!! I had no other choice, but to walk away! I didn’t want to, I really didn’t! SHE pushed ME away! Pushed and pushed and pushed! I stood my ground for 15 years! I truly had NO intention on leaving her, ever! Problem was, She never believed that! She knew that “some day” I would, “just like every one else in her life”, as she would say! SO.. She continued to push! And, She continued to be “grateful”, when I didn’t leave, and she continued to be “sorry” for her behavior towards me, until.. She pushed again, and again, and again, until.. She was sorry once again, and grateful, once again, that I didn’t leave, again! Then.. it would start all over again, and on and on it would go!! This vicious cycle… Until, Yes! The Final Push! I didn’t have any more strength, any more patience, any more understanding, or empathy, to come back! I was empty 😔. I walked away … and, stayed away! SHE sadly attempted suicide, Twice , after I left her! She “didn’t know how she was going to live without me “, she said! That’s what She said!! ?? I’ll NEVER understand that ?! Thank God her suicide attempts weren’t successful!! But.. I was THAT important to you, for you to take your own life, because I “Left You”?? Then, What the hell was all that “pushing” about!? All that fighting, and yelling, and name calling, and abuse, about!? Why?? Why?? Why Not accept that Someone actually Does Love You!? That Someone actually Doesn’t want to Leave You!? Why Not just find Peace in THAT!? Why Not just feel Blessed, that you have THAT!? WHY NOT ???? I’ll Never understand.. WHY I wasn’t enough! What did I miss ? Did I miss something, that would have Stopped the “Pushing”..?? I Never did find the “Thing” that could have Stopped the “Pushing”..?? WAS there a “Thing” ? Did “It” ever exist ? Will I ever know..? Do YOU know.. ? “These”.. The questions, I will have to accept, that, I may NEVER get an answer to… 😔 😢
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
No offense, but giving an ultimatum with the result of walking out of the relationship on them can not be a good idea. That is their worst fear. Maybe walk away from the conversation. Every word counts.
Hearing this is absolutely exhausting. Why is it that the main topic of BPD is trying to justify the actions a borderline uses to cause absolute horror and pain to others. What they feel is immensely real and the words and actions taken are only to protect themselves from a pain that is so great that nobody can understand. Then how the stigma is unfair, and they need compassion and love. Ok got it. Now from a man who fell in love with a girl when he was a naive innocent 17 year old boy to now a 45 year old battered and beaten middle man, in my bitter moment I perceive that as just the continuing tactic that ends up causing more manipulation. We were married for 27 years. I had no idea what was going on so I just continued to try to please her in hopes one day things would be better. When were really young 20's I thought maybe it was due to our immaturity and things would get better in our 30's. Once you are in your 30's you realize you are still young and maybe with more time things will get better. I thought people in their 40's can't possibly have these ridiculous disagreements. But it never gets better. All the verbal, psychological, and physical abuse never stops. It gets worse actually. You cry alone for years, but you somehow still have hope. Eventually the pure love you had is literally beaten out of you. Then you are lost as you never knew anything else your whole life. You don't know who you are anymore.
@cabrerah33 Thank you for sharing this. The last 2 sentences summed up so well how I feel now after losing my partner to this (undiagnosed/10yr relationship). If there is any possible positive it’s knowing that I am not alone in this feeling. Wishin you well
@@jakimoon6113 Thank you.. It is good to hear that someone read and truly understood my statement.. I can tell in your response that you are feeling the same. I am sorry you have to go though this. You are not alone either. I will respond some more later.
@cabrerah33 I could have wrote your exact statement. We've been married 28 hears and I met her when I was 19 and she was 29. To say the least, I was VERY unaware of what BPD was or wasn't. Never heard of it. I am beat down and picking myself up, but it's something every day. I'm done and there's no helping them.
@@hurricaneaquatics Wow, you really gave all you could give. The time invested speaks volumes. I did the same thing. When i hear people speak of 2, 5, even 10 year relationsips. I know the didnt ecperience what that codition is capable of. But they are lucky they got out sooner rather than later. I feel now maybe giving so much and stsyig so long was a big mistake. But i couldnt see it at the time. I dont think i can give for a very long time. And i will never give like i did again. My nightmare didnt stop. I am living it still. Leaving caused her to try and destroy me. After deciding with a broken hear that i couldnt stay anymore she wanted to end me. She msde some threats that startled me . One she said she would send me to jail. I scoffed initially telling she couldnt do that. When she answered "Yes i can, you eill see" the manner she said was odd. Took a few days but i started thinking. What does she mean? Finally i let myself realise she mesnt she would accuse me of something. Like a crazy crime. Like rape or something. I told a couple people and they agreed it soundef dangerouse. I decided i needed to escape somehow when i had a chace a few months later she got reslly upset and she hit me wit a carpentar level. I didnt entio it before but she would thriw and mefrom time to time. I got used to it. We can take slaps, lunches and kicks no problen. But when they throw or grab wapons tht can be danerous. It got to whereshe grabbed a hammer and was about to throw it. I begged her not to and she didn't. But she will in the right citcumstances. Anyway with a lot of relucrsnce i called fot help when she ht me with the level. It wast that bad. She only ht me in the legs twice. She came at e swiging it but the first two were more to intimidate me i think. Like if i wouldnt have moved i would have got hit and she knew i would move. When my back was against the wall she paused while i tld her not to swing it anymore. She aimed at my legs to no leave obvious marks on my upper body. Police came she lied and i got arrestted. Her lies had to so elaborate to work and cps got involved. Criminsl charges where dropped but part of her act was agreeig with police to get a restraning order. She did, no she ad follow through. I fought the restrainung order. I felt i would win. i wss tlelling the truth and it made sense . Her version were lies and soundrd ridiculouse. Judge didnt see it. I lost the case...... I'll wrie more latet.
@@cabrerah33 I relate to this as well, haha. Oh yes, already been threatened with her calling the police and saying I tried to R her or did R her. Didn't write the word as UA-cam doesn't like that. She's different every day, sometimes loving just to try to get back in, most of the times she's unhinged. Well, I saw the red flags long ago and was in no position to leave so I started recording her. I set up cameras all through the house and I record EVERY conversation or comment. I have over 600 audio recordings and 100s of video of her abuse. Let her call the police, she'll be the one going. It's terrible, I love her and part of me feels pity for her but it's only a matter of time. She did something on 2023 that was a deal breaker for me. It would be too much to write, but it threw any trust of hope I had out the window. Hang in there buddy.
I am not going to advocate that people run as fast as they can, but I will say this as someone who has unintentionally found themselves in a relationship/caretaker position with a pwBPD: it is hard to constantly hear pwBPDs answer to the pain the cause others with “I am the one actually suffering” “I don’t mean to” “if you knew what I was feeling you’d understand” “you have to understand that when I do this it comes from a place of pain”. All of those are likely very true, however, there’s a problem. Metaphorically the emotional/mental/physical hurt that was dealt to the partner or loved one is like them being run over by a car out of the blue. We know you don’t mean it, we know it comes from your own pain, but being reminded that you are suffering also doesn’t really help me and is a bit difficult to keep in the forefront of the mind when I’m laying on the pavement bleeding from being hit by the full force of the car. It’s really hard because even the nicest and most compassionate person will hit the breaking point and either lose their empathy and build resentment or lose their own spark for life still trying to care for the person who is hurting them over and over despite their support. It’s really really soul crushing for the partner/loved one when they have to always be validating and empathizing, but the pain caused to them is only given the occasional cursory glance, and, if not entirely dismissed, only given the slightest bit of empathy in the form of cliche generic advice. That’s a road to depression and bitterness.
Yes. I went through this. It was on me to accept him as is and he ran me over and over, but was also so kind and loving. It's these two crazy sides that make you feel like sinking ship. I could never have a bad day, be reactive or upset. I was always to just understand his pain. Then the devaulation of me would begin. It was hard.
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
@@ericaharris616 Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
Morgan - well said - and unintentional is an important word. I never ever thought that my now former partner would turn out to be this way. I used to hear her say "I'm really struggling" almost daily - I swear. This was code for "My problems are more serious than yours are (even when my dad was in the hospital), or whatever you'd like to talk to me about. What you want is off limits." I've dated 2 pwBPD - unintentionally, but maybe I attract them for some reason - and one of them was less dramatic overall, but her splits were/are not just like being run over by a car, they are like being run over by a cement truck.
@@ericaharris616 Thank you so much for sharing/commenting here. It is super helpful. I'm with a person who likely has BPD. She is so wonderful and loving when she is - I'd like to think - being herself and at her best. However when she "splits" and devalues me, demonizes me, it can sometimes make me feel really horrible - and the devaluation can be about things that are almost trivial enough to be funny. How did you end it, or did he?
Anyone with bpd and working on themselves please don’t take the negative comments to your heart. Just work on yourself. A lot of people with bpd are attracted towards narcissistic and avoidant personality people. I am the proof that you can be in a healthy relation if you work on yourself. But that being said the main focus has to be working on yourself because once you have a good relationship with yourself then only you can replicate that to others. Good luck and stay strong . I believe In You
The same goes for everyone in life. If you work on yourself and love yourself honestly you will be a better person and be more ready for a healthy relationship.
Not sure about attracting narsasists and avoident people though, as bpd people are on the border of narcasism and are drfinately avoident themselves, so that doesn't make sense to me. As far as I can see they attract careing compassionate patient quietly confident people , who have been through the fire and come out the other side but still get put through the mill.
If they ever attract narsasists or avoidents then I guess they are having a mirror held up to themsrlves and have the chance to see themselves and change. But I'm not sure they are actually capable of that, as they just see themselves as victims in most situations. Even when they have someone careing and compassionate around.
@@somanyinsights1670 BPD is the most treatable personality disorder. I am sorry you had bad experience with some of them. But do you think it’s right to generalize it to everyone?
My girlfriend has BPD and I love her so much… I really try my best with her and she says I’m so sweet and loving but still at times she pushes me away. I’m a patient person but I hope one day she knows this love is real and ima always protect her if she stays.
@@PANCHODALOC909 it’s not worth it bro, dating someone with bpd is mentally draining
Not true one bit. Most BPD are attracted to sucking the life out of a codependent because we put up with your guys’ crap and give and give and give. The toxic tango dance.
Yes it is treatable. With years and years of therapy. Most aren’t self aware like you.. and most have narcissistic traits that lead to extremely horrible abuse for the few who stay in while the BPD “sorts themselves out”. Thus destroying the relationship in the process. Beating up a person for years while you get healthy doesn’t “just make a healthy relationship 10 years later”
The healthy thing to do is split and have the BPD work on their side. Codependent work on their side. Then go find new partners. Damage has already been done. From both sides.. and anyone who would accept this fractured relationship is broken and has the lowest standards of what a relationship is. As it isn’t healthy..
I don't think setting a boundary that is an ultimatum is usually helpful. The reason I think this is because it is almost guaranteed your BPD partner will at some point cross this boundary. Are you going to leave them when that happens? I don't think giving an ultimatum will change their behavior because it adds to their anxiety. Either leave them (without any ultimatum) because you genuinely do not want the relationship any more, or stay with them and let them know you are disappointed with their behavior. It's better to build trust than threaten to leave. I think expressing disappointment is just as effective of a deterrent as an ultimatum, and it preserves trust in the process. An ultimatum serves no greater purpose. It just undermines your respect if you don't follow through. If you genuinely want to leave, you don't need an ultimatum. Ultimatums are so often a form of manipulation.
Although what you say it’s true. In my personal case I constantly struggle with the desire to leave and to stay. I don’t want to leave but it sometimes gets so hard that I truly just want to leave. My I should not let her know that but it feels almost impossible to not communicate your are just reaching a desperation point. It’s not about manipulation. It’s about truly feeling on the edge. Between the sword and the wall.
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
@@Metalmonkey80 Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
Totally agree that ultimatums about ending a relationship are a terrible idea. It is a good idea though to tell your loved one with BPD what is and isn't okay when they're not experiencing an episode and you can both calmly talk it through.
It is then helpful, to ask them to agree to it. If you want to add an ultimatum, make it something like, "that will be the end of the discussion until I'm ready to talk to you calmly again."
If they later cross that agreed line, calmy say to them, that the behaviour isn't okay and that if it continues, you will end the discussion until you're ready to talk with them again.
I agree. What's been the most effective is showing/communicating the hurt that your BPD partner is causing you, and showing some emotion yourself. If they have any empathy - and most of them do (not all) they will understand it. BPD is a complex illness and I've heard that there may be a spectrum introduced for it which makes sense.
I spent 6 years of my life with a BDP partner. The cycles happened each 6 months regurarly. Even though he was in therapy things never got better. The last 3 years we broke up for six months and returned after 6 months. The last year together I broke The Cycle and didn't break up. After six months I learned he was having a affair for the last 6 months. I let him go and he went with his new parter. After 6 months together they broke up because he was cheating again. He tried to come back to me telling me he was depressed and wanted to commit suicide. I decided not to fall again and I said no. Inmediatly out of the blue he began a new relationship. I learned I couldn't help him anymore and I have a life to live happily. I didn't deserve to keep suffering.
Stay strong syster ❤
I just found out that my female partner has BPD. I only found out because she thought I was asleep and told me in my sleep. We have been dating for 4 months now and we haven't had any issues at all. My main concern is that i am noticing a change that she has been very sad lately. I can already feel myself trying to fix her. What would you recommend I do?
"...like arguing with a child."
I never have been outside of my own perspective, and while I have been told that I do this, I never understood until recently. It took me a long while to understand that who I am at baseline vs who I am in a heated moment are two very different people. I have said many, MANY, regrettable things and hope I can improve on this. I never realized how bad it was either until recently as well.
My daughter has a friend that suffered from BPD, her friend is now on medication for it. Her friend, Gabby, says she also had no idea what kind of pain she was putting her spouse through, until she got help.
I believe my wife of 20+ years has BPD, it's finally nice to have something to research that at least gives me perspective. I too struggle with wanting to leave and wanting to stay with her, I have known her since we were young kids. It's almost inconceivable for me to leave my partner behind, but like Jordan Peterson says: they are drowning and you can't let them pull you down too. Unfortunately, I am struggling through this all.
@@punkinhed I have had a ton of help with therapy, but the guilt of regrettable things is there (and being dealt with), as are the consequences. With time, all things heal, but I'm sure it has been difficult for most, if not all involved. I'm glad she's getting the help she needs.
@@punkinhed I feel for you. I know what hell that is as I'm going through the same. I wish you the best.
It's not inability to maintain personal relationships, it's more like sabotaging and destroying them.
Every other professional on the internet is saying to be a "doormat" essentially.
I recommended DBT to my wife and she said "I don't have a problem, you're the problem." That was when I knew my marriage was over. She wouldn't work on herself. Took the kids away and proceeded to destroy my life in ever possible way from financially, socially, and emotionally and physically. They can be dangerous people guys. Records, document and go no contact if it can't be helped.
My wife and i were very close during childhood, meaning that i was witness to the onset of her disorder and understood parts of the causes. Before dbt started to work, i had to demonstrate that our relationship would never be at risk whatever she did. This gave her the courage to stop struggling against her disorder in order to address her inner needs. It only took a few weeks from this point before she was free of all mental illnesses.
Makes me think she wasn't a borderline. Possible misdiagnosis
@@cabrerah33 i watched the disorder become apparent as we grew up together - the diagnosis was impulsive borderline, there's no indication that this was wrong. she also suffered from a rare neurological disorder which is what had prevented the DBT from being effective first time around. as soon as I found a way to defeat that, then she returned to therapy and made a full recovery.
@@disdroid sorry to sound doughtful. But what time frames are we talking about? How many years? I met mine when I was 11 years old. I'm 46 now. We were together close to 30 years. There were years of peace along the way. I would have also said cured during 2006 to 2014. But it came roaring back. It was there the whole time. I
@@cabrerah33 I watched her being born when I was three.
What on earth made you doubt my wife's diagnosis?
@@cabrerah33 when you mistook your partner from being cured, had she gone through the shift in attachment style? Did she have a secure attachment? There are many documented examples of people making a full recovery late in life, in fact it's extremely common in bpd. My wife's entire character changed, including her demeanor and mannerisms. The decades of illness became a childish game that we had grown out of. The dark memories lost their gravity. We had completely shifted into a perfect space with no friction whatsoever in any way. My wife became the epitome of wisdom, compassion and joy. Before then she had never smiled since childhood - she thought there was something wrong with the muscles around her mouth and consulted her GP about it. This was one of the signs that a full recovery was not only possible, it was incredibly likely. The only thing that had prevented therapy from being effective in the first instance was her neurological impairment - no sooner had I found a way to treat this then the therapy worked almost instantly. I was able to stop her from hallucinating, and prevent her from going down the rabbit hole that is neurosis. This enabled her to get a hold on her anger. Furthermore I restored her sense of self worth, the deciding factor.
Dont tell someone with a fear of abandonment that you'll leave them for something unless you mean it.
Telling someone not to yell in an argument or you'll leave is not a good boundary.
Rather say, Ill leave the room and cool off when things are hectic and Ill be open to talk again when you're also cooled down. Or something like that.
Don't give a reason. It works both ways. For me, my ex-wife was usually the gaslighter.
As someone whose been diagnosed for 14 years now and is open about it(informing closed ones) I would like to express my gratitute for addressing this issue in such a neutral manner.
Common knownledge how unfortunely society mercilessly puts anyone or anything in the stigma box.
BPD is widely different from individual to individual but rest assured that it is so very very painful and difficult not to act upon triggers.
I believe this diagnose to be not a daily but rather an hourly struggle to "control" ones mind against bombarding intrusive thoughts.
To anyone struggling with BPD that WANT to change and be a better person - try sticking for theraphy, medication, maybe engage daily in reading, learning and practicing new DBT techniques. Doesnt mean it might necessarily work for everyone alike (peoples brains are always built differently specially a brain that has been through trauma).
I wouldnt have made it without amazing support true, yet i wouldnt made it many times if it wasnt for my hard work and self respect.
Wishing everyone dealing with parents/partners/sons/daughters with this personality disorder love and strenght. Keeping in mind that love can heal specially self love. Stay safe
Shout out to all the people with significant others with bpd
After ten years I just couldn't do it anymore, it was only recently she actually acknowledged she had it. Like many I just couldn't put up with the belittling, the controlling behaviour and alienating me from my family. I've been called everything imaginable and then some.
The insults and being told everything you do is not good enough destroys your soul and if you don't get out then you will really suffer long term.
The worse thing is she thinks she is a saint, but she has acknowledged her behaviours to a degree, I don't understand this.
I wished her well but deep down I know she will just bounce from guy to guy and it will all end bad.
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
I have been there, healing from the insults is the hardest part, but we have to understand those insults came from a person with a disorder. The bouncing from relationship to another is also true. I have been single for a year, and he has been in three relationship already.
She never meant it..
it was just the reflection of her pain insider
He hurt you bec she's hurting inside..it's not your fault but please understand while she's saying this to you her head Is spinning and
She already wreck inside how can she present her self to you the way. She should when she's broken In the first place..
It's not ur fault but sorry
She needs someone who
Can handle her be better sorry again but I feel her
This one hit me hard. I have thought the nothing I do is good enough and she is martyr/saint in her eyes. It is always hard to point to one big thing, but the constant belittling to make herself better. She can’t be wrong and if you ever do anything that make her feel insecure HUGE fight. You won’t even know what you did but you are getting screamed at. Then silent for days followed up by having to state that “you are sorry for your part in the argument” cause “it takes 2 to argue”. Then dropped and want to just make up like nothing happened and you are left stunned.
This is really conditioning yourself to accept abuse. Love yourself first and find someone who gives you a happy and balanced normal relationship. You owe it to yourself: We're only here once and these relationships are nothing but damaging: All give and nothing but toxicity in return.
My husband was diagnosed with BPD in the 90s. Neither of us believed it. He was good at hiding it, but as the years passed, it became more clear to me. He's a porn addict, a gaslighter, blamer, and a liar. If I confront him, he will attack me emotionally and play all kinds of head games. Everthing is always my fault. On some days, I feel like I can't remain in this marriage another day, but we've been together 45 years.
If I'm upset and someone tells me "we'll talk later" I'll instantly feel like they're trying to abandon me and that would trigger me even more
Oh well. The other person has to look out for themselves as well
So basically its like dating a child and having to step on eggshells all the time because of their feelings FUCK THAT.
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
Your description sounds better than being Inna relationship with a BPD
the only "relationship" you should have with an "untreated" BPD, is something that aims to get her/him into into therapy , ... the partner with his "love" is only contributing to delay this process, and the wrong dynamics will drag both into the deep, and certainly , no amount of love will ever fix her.
There are certainly a possibility to help the BPD helping her self with guidance while engaging in therapy, it can take some time, I have heard everything from 6 yo 16 years depending on the BPD severity.
Note that BPD are on a spectrum , and with subtypes, just don't think you can help people with your love or compassion. If you are not a trained or educated the help you are giving can be damaging.
It Destroyed our family, she lost everything and still wont stop, they can’t help it, their trauma takes over.
She is alone now, I still love her but no one can help l she can’t help herself.
Communication does not work, they cannot communicate. Don’t bother.
Save yourself time and energy and leave they are lost causes, UNLESS they can look at themselves but they think everyone else is the problem.
What shes saying is this video is all well and good in a fairy tale land, all this stuff does not work. I tried it, they love misery, they feed on victimising themselves.
Not all people with BPD are 'bad', there's definitely a crossover with narcissism for many though. I feel that many have a one-way view of the world: they see what happens to them and reflect deeply on it, but do not see what they've done to other people and do not reflect on their own actions. This is in every area of life not just relationships. This makes it impossible to be in a relationship with them as they're constantly blaming, accusing, projecting and personalising everything. Protecting their inner wound is literally the centre of their world, nothing else matters but how they feel.
It feels like no one can 'do' or 'say' anything without it being filtered through the negative lense of the borderline and warped into some sort of possibility of abandonment. Then this warped reality is taken as absolute fact and acted on accordingly.
Definitely steer clear of these types of border line and remember those 3 C's the lady mentioned in the video!
Yeah, that's everyone dude. Including yourself.
You think everyone else in the world reflects on all the damage and harm they have caused ? Everyone with a Tesla might as well have a bumper sticker that reads, "Slaver".
My BPD ex ruined my life. I worked in IT sales before. Now I'm unemployed trying to get over the relationship.
Looking for a therapist myself please. Not worried about her. I'm trying to save my own sanity
@@christieturner5567 feel free to contact us info@privatetherapyclinic.com
My wife said that she was diagnosed with BPD. Now all she does is look up videos that feature other people with BPD who explain how people with BPD aren't responsible for their actions and that everyone else needs to learn how to deal with it. We are heading for divorce because of her dishonesty and constant need to put us in financial crisis and her inability to stop with the horrific epsisodes of anger and manically flipping out. I'm tired of the manipulation and nonstop attempts at getting attention even if it's negative. Which is most of the time. I love her. And it breaks my heart but I have aged 10 years over the last 3. It's is literally killing me slowly having to deal with this.
I am right there with you! I feel like dealing with BPD has caused so much stress on me that I am losing years of my own life. I will be lucky to not have a heart attack by 45.
It's totally okay to take care of yourself and watch out for your own well-being and your own Mental Health you can never sacrifice these things for someone else.
What I always say to myself is I love my girlfriend but I love myself more.
And unfortunately I have to say if it's going to be her or me, it's going to be her.
It’s always the case as most have narcissistic tendencies/ co-morbid yet no one has ever been dual diagnosed yet they are finding most BPD are narcissists as well so… yeah lovely cocktail of chaos and drama
It’s tough. Get into therapy for codependency and childhood trauma. It’s why we attract them in the fire tplace
@@ssing7113 I am starting therapy in a couple of weeks. Since I posted this she admitted to abusing pain medications and taking methylphenadate for the past 4+ on top of everything else. I couldn't believe it. She goes to a mental health and rehab facility this Friday. 🤞
Wow, I also question all that info on how bpd should not be blamed due to the pain they immense pain they have how they now no other way of dealing with it. That they mean no harm with the vile things they say. Everything they do and say is not intended with malice. I think it's BS. I think it's just the continuing tactic of their manipulative ways. The manipulative ways that BPD also claim are not their intention. I think someone with the correct credentials that happened to have BPD came with this diagnosis "excuse". They created a new avenue for the horde that they are a part of to continue their destructive ways. They keep doing it but they have the excuse that it's not their fault. And they can say they are working on it to show they have pure intentions. Seems like they like to bring up how the stigma the world has placed on them is unfair. Pure and simple blame shifting as always.
You are lucky it was only 10 years. I waisted 28 years. Big emphasis on waisted. Good luck.
This was an excellent presentation- thank you!
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel .
How to encourage BPD patient to go and take therapy especially when they don’t feel the need to go to therapy or take medication if it’s severe?
I haven’t found a way yet
I think my husband has a borderline personality disorder. He has a severe mood swings! He changed his mindset from time to time. His plans are based on his emotions.
He can change from sweetness to bitterness!
Does he stays up for multiple days at a time?
Get his T levels checked...and not by a primary but by a mens clinic. Primary physicians are generally rather weak in this department. As a mans T levels drop and get closer to his E levels, he can behave this way. Now, maybe it's not this, but if it is, it's an extremely easy fix where as BPD is not.
I am sorry Dr. Spelman, but I think that you are giving a context as every BPD situation is the same. It takes a lot of not loving yourself to deal with a BPD partner. That said, to everyone in a relationship with a BPD person, listen to me: GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP! Because you are first. You will not be able to help that person. The person will try to destroy your life because their reality is not a fact it's in their mind and there is NOTHING you can do. So do yourself a favor and save yourself court fees and more. Please walk away and concentrate on moving on with your life because it won't be easy. I said this cause I was in that position and I STILL LOVE my ex-wife, but I couldn't help her. It is not about love, it's about you and what is best for you. Take care ❤
I was used by a friend who I let live with me for 8 years who was diagnosed with BPD.
She had a view of herself as a constant victim and in her mind the whole world was "bullying" her.
Easily the most toxic person I have ever met in my entire life and I was naive for so long to think I could help her in any way.
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
@@beyourself9162 Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
Yeah, you can’t help them.
Why do I always have to adjust? It feels like I’m constantly walking on eggshells. My partner keeps threatening to leave me. It’s exhausting.
So basically you've to tip toe round about them for the rest of your life.
Don't. I wasted 3 year on someone with BPD. If you see these signs. Head for the hills.
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel .
That depends on if you love the person and how committed you are, she whether you're partner is willing to accept the need for help. Everyone has degrees of tolerance, but it's important to understand what the future might look like. Just because your loved one has cancer doesn't mean you ditch them... This is something that can be worked on and improved with the right therapy.
@@iteese not worth it. Wish I left at the third year.
All BPD have you contemplating swallowing a .22
Head for the hills😂😂🤣 these comments man damn you guys are cruel lol
@@iteese If you have children involved you also have to consider their well being in any relationship.
When I try to enforce boundaries with my partner, she often gets enraged and tries to barge her way in the room I'm in. Getting so close to my personal space and defying my boundary. This goes for in the bathroom or my office. She literally will not stop until I get so angry I yell. Please leave me alone! I really don't want to be pushed to anger and I really need better tools
You never tell a bpd person , let us talk about this later!
They will split on you.
What works for me is validation. So if im in a splitting, best thing to do is to assure me that you love me and youll never leave me. When he say he's going to leave...i get a bit aware faster...
It's really difficult...I'm not going to say too much but I will say if you're a person that tends to take the things people say to heart and perhaps are struggling with mental health issues of your own prioritize YOURSELF.
So what if say is try to recognise how much pain they are in, point them in the direction of therapy (it is hard to get them taken seriously tho). Remember it is a treatable illness, everyone with it is different and I've seen good outcomes.
Sometimes the only thing you can do is leave for both of you. Never sacrifice yourself for someone else's mental health. Have a bit of compassion and respect for what they go through. I've never seen such humanity. Most of em are good people going through it. Ofc some people are gonna be bad and some good people do bad thingd but don't let them define the person you cared about because chances are they are so worth it. And hey maybe you can be friends in like 5 years when they get out of the mental hospital.
Stay strong lads.
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
Thanks for your comment. You've seen good outcomes? Some good news about people healing from this would be nice to hear - seriously.
@@bernarddouthit4647 it's a complicated thing, some people definitely seem to get to remission. I'd say it depends more on the person ans their circumstances than the disorder. Nothing is impossible and people deserve more credit than we give them.
It's sad how pll only see the bad parts of BPD I mean imagine if we only showed the bad parts of humanity we'd look like Pathological and fundamental assholes.
It's not about getting rid of it, I'm not sure it works like that. It's about getting ahead of the eposides, having healthy boundaries and a quality of life. For some people it works out like that.
Statistical speaking 90% of people are meant to reach remission in 10 years and a fourth reach it in 2. So ig there is reason to be hopeful. The pain doesn't have to be endless.
Edit: don't fall in love with potential. Only date pwBPD when you are both ready otherwise it's a recipe for disaster and possibly suicide. You don't have to suffer just because someone else is.
Types of no contact (they all take guts)...
Fool proof: no responses to texts, emails or letters.
The nice way: respond with a short standard message explaining why you're doing it (this could help with reality checking and grounding)
The suicide risk is on them, always.
Letting someone know that that's you're doing is less about making it easier for them and more about respect for their time and feelings.
I feel like people always use the 3C thing as an excuse for their own behavior. You can’t control them having a disorder and you can’t control their behavior, but just because we react more and feel things more strongly, doesn’t mean that our feelings are invalid.
If my partner doesn’t tell me they can’t talk for 2 days, and I get mad and tell them I hate them or I use an unhealthy coping mechanism, my reaction may have been disproportionate to the situation but that doesn’t mean me being upset was unwarranted. they still didn’t tell about something important, that I have told them is a trigger for me, they’re still responsible for not letting me know.
My gf has bpd and she got mad at me for watching a movie where an actress supposedly looked like an ex gf of mine
You can set boundaries. The result of crossing those boundaries are you bitching about those boundaries being crossed, while you ignore the delusional thinking while they don't care about you or your feelings because they've already split, or are experiencing a manic like dysfunctional coping strategy. Might be a week maybe a month. That's what happens when you set boundaries. Also this condition exists on a spectrum and unfortunately some will not ever be able to have a long lasting stable relationship no matter how many years of treatment.
I really believe my wife has BPD. And yet I really blame myself for it.
By the way, the only sign that my wife doesn’t do is fear of abandonment. She expects it. She always anticipates people leaving her.
“Everybody else leaves me anyway”
Anticipating abandonment is definitely from the fear of it... My lady made the first move to leave, just to not be left..if that makes any sense
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel .
@@joshuajones1319 Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel .
Couples therapy and DBT treatment for the person with BPD.Thus helps a lot. Many therapists purport to specialize in this area and don’t. They can be very harmful. Seeing someone who is an expert is critical.
One day they are sweet as candy but when they get what they want... you're in love with a cruel, selfish, 3year old psychopath. No real empathy, no responsibility. You are just a thing to them. Don't waste your life with someone who is trying to hurt you and ruin your life. No one can be the solution to their inner problems. Don't try to fix them. They have to fix themselves. Even if you took all the love in the world, you would never fill the black hole that is inside of them. Of course, they will never admit it, in their perception, they are always just victims. But they are the gateway to hell. For them and for you.
we’re not monsters yk?
It sounds like you’ve been hurt deeply and your comment suggests possible mental problems. Don’t date someone with untreated BPD ever again for your own peace of mind, and possibly seek your own therapy to deal with unresolved anger issues/ extreme blanket statements.
it's super hard being with, never ever a good time to talk about anything they could change.
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel .
Relationships with a person with severe BPD will never last without therapy.
The constant abuse and accusations make will their partner leave.
Its soul destroying, confusing and ultimately results in the partner having mental health or trust issues going forward.
Get out once you see the signs and never look back. Save yourself.
I have difficulties dealing with my lil' sister who was diagnosed with BPD, because we were already in a bad relationship, way before she's diagnosed with it. As for me, she was a spoiled, childish and rude person. I got offended by her words so many times. On the other hand, she keeps thinking that I don't care about her mental illness. So we never had proper communication and somehow we continuously build a wall between ourselves. But still, I'm concerned about her condition. Lately, I keep wondering, how I can handle my bitterness, but at the same time, I can deliver my sympathy to her.
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
@Retha Siahaan You possibly need to talk to a psychologist that is experienced with BPD. Your sister obviously suffered with BPD years before any diagnosis and although the thought process don't make sense to an outsider, they're very real for the person with BPD. It's also entirely possible that joint sessions with her psychologist /psychiatrist will help you understand her better, identify or sooner and respond better when it's occurring.
could you make a video for kids? there’s a lot of abusive behavior that’s dished out to children whose parents struggle with this disorder, and more often than not, there aren’t any resources to help them understand and seek help. Many BPD parents refuse to help themselves, so the child is forced to cope with neglect, as well as emotional, and sometimes physical abuse with no one to turn to for healthy support. (leading to a high likelihood of the child developing the same disorder) Explaining this problem to a teacher at school is futile if there isn’t any physical abuse happening, but chronic emotional abuse is still abuse. Unfortunately, teachers are ill-equipped to help students struggling with an emotionally abusive + neglectful parent. UA-cam is a good resource for these kids.
RUN! And if you stay? Make sure you're using birth control. Those with bpd that aren't actively in therapy and working on their diagnosis? Will be debilitating to deal with if you end up having a child with them. Unfortunately, bpd tend to use children as pawns when the man leaves.
That is so mean to say. We hurt and sometimes have no control. Doesn’t mean we are monsters
@@yeseniagarcia8412 Nobody called pbd women monsters. But everything he says is SO true. One of the most happiest moments of my life was when my bpd ex-girlfriend toldme that she lied about her pregnancy because she just wanted to see my reaction!!!!! And all that on a period of everyday unreasonable arguments and jealously for no reason. Having a child with a bpd its a trap.
@@yeseniagarcia8412 It does if you're actively doing it and realize it's wrong, yet you still do it. You're just using it as an excuse to be a horrible person and yes that can absolutely make you a monster.
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel .
@@Winterreise189 Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel .
Gema, or is it Jema - thank you for making this video. It is very helpful.
How can you tell if someone even has BPD when they don’t want to get diagnosed?
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
Easy. They make you feel like a piece of shit whilst acting far worse than you could dream of yourself. .
The Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, DSM, lists 9 characteristics - unless it has been updated. I am not a counselor or professional, but I'd say at the top of the list is mood instability and what is referred to as "splitting" where the person idealizes a friend or romantic partner followed by a period where they devalue or demonize them. We all have good and bad days, but people with BPD are far and away the extreme. One day they may adore you and literally the very next they may find something minor you've done that they decide to berate you about in an angry way.
There are always red flags in a toxic relationship. Your body senses plenty of things that you simply choose to ignore. Never avoid your gut feeling. If something seems off, it more than likely is. If anyone is so perfect that it’s too good to be true, that’s because it is! It’s called mirroring. No two people have everything in common. As my almost 80 year old mom tells me even to this day, when you meet someone, you are not meeting that real person. You are simply meeting that person’s representative. Time will reveal all things good and the not so good. So follow your instincts. That’s what they are there for!
Well based on my experience I'm afraid that if you tell your partner with BPD that if he/she keeps shouting abuse you will leave the relationship, he/she will not be able able to refrain this urge and you will get stuck in the position where you will have to leave, or won't be able to stick to your word and lose credibility.
Hi my partner was diagnosed with bpd 3 years ago we have ben together for 5 and what a rollercoaster it has been not just for this reason entirely. I really struggle how to deal with the situation when she is splitting. We recently got married i love my wife and want us to last, but these silly things that turn into big arguments and make me feel like my feelings are disregarded are affecting my mental health. I would really appreciate any help with how i even address or express how i feel and what affect bpd is having on our relationship but also what to do when these situations arise. I feel like i have tried and changed a lot of things to avoid this but nothings seems to work. Thanks
Please consider leaving her
4:24 An ultimatum might “work” if it’s something I have a decent amount of control over, but someone threatening to leave me is so triggering and makes me more unstable.
(like if it was them making me stop self-harming, maybe I could stop, but it would take an incredible amount of effort to just stop, without anything actually being helped at all, it’d take a lot of energy to do, I’d be paranoid about doing it again and even more terrified of them leaving, if I mess up once they’re leaving me, I’d be constantly stressed because of it. It being triggering would make me more unstable, so I’d want to self-harm more, and it’d take even more energy not to, and I’d probably break and end up doing it again eventually, and have a mental breakdown because they’re going to leave me, and it’s my fault and I’m pathetic and a terrible person and I don’t deserve them and why am I even here. - I know this might sound dramatic, but I’m not trying to be at all, this is how my brain processes things.)
I think I'm kinda lucky cause my partner has BPD but he isn't abusive and we also try to work to regulate his emotions. he said this is the first time someone trying to understand his BPD and it honestly makes me sad cause he was indeed abandoned as a child and his relationship (romantic & non-romantic) never really works cause he keeps testing them until eventually they all worn out.
You're an amazing lady i had a BPD partner she was half British we live in Greece . it took me a lot of psychological sessions to the overcome her and im still recovering .We dont talk now and i dont think i will be willing to go back .the problem with BPD is they are highly intelligent, highly intuitive, highly sexual ,but as i see it they lack in emotional intelligence & intimacy .She was very sensitive to criticism . i asked her to take dialectical behavioral therapy but she did not want to despite i said i would pay for the sessions. But what i fail to understand is why the drug or alcohol use ????
Because they have their own childhood trauma and pain they need to sort. Why does anyone do drigs and alcohol.. because they’re unhappy. Lol
Their chronically unhappy as you know
You need therapy for childhood trauma and codependency..
they have childhood trauma. asking them to go to therapy is asking them to go through your whole life trauma again. drugs and alcohol make that pain go away. of course it isn’t good and definitely needs attention, you judging that person wasn’t helping. you probably made them feel worse.
The lack of emotional intelligence is due to arrested development. Although they are highly intelligent, creative, intuitive , successful in many areas, there are trauma events they haven't processed that maintain them in coping through child like ways. Hence the black and white thinking, splitting, that they might display during certain episodes. I see that very same thing with my 4 year old niece right now. " Best mommy in the world/ worst mummy in the world. " " I fell and got hurt and now blame all of you for it because I'm hurt and mad and don't know yet how to process this" I got Substance abuse is an attempt to suppress the constant stress and emotional dysregulation
Remember not everyone with bpd can get therapy due to the cost. I would love to get therapy but cant afford it and the public health system in my country does not provide help for people with bpd.
The 4th C is CHOOSE. Choose a partner that is fully capable of treating you well.
"BPD" partners in relationships are like a gangrenous leg. You can hope all you want for it to get better. But honestly just cut the fucker off and be done with it.
I've had a "BPD" partner, so have numerous friends. It all ends the same. "BPD" just seems to be an excuse for vile behaviour. Don't bother with them. You'll only ruin yourself for someone who genuinely cares and won't use your feelings, emotions and effort for toilet paper.
I don't have bpd. My wife does and I'm really really going thru it on a regular basis with her. Divorce is looming around the corner cause I'm on wits end and getting extremely tired of the verbal assaults, umempatheticness, I'm tired of the vicious attacks emotionally. I'm gonna end up with a mental disorder myself if I stay with this person. I'm tired of her not working and helping me out, I'm tired of her constantly asking for money everyday as if she can't make money herself. She tried to fight me back on 2022 one day before my birthday, tore some of my hair out. She's draining me financially emotionally physically. PLEASE HELP
So we are both currently in therapy and I encouraged her to try DBT. Unfortunately it seems like every two days she is in the throws of negativity and depression. I tried to encourage her and talk her through it but it seems like I end up feeling drained and depressed after. I really need a few tips in this area. Thank you everyone
Get out now! You will be damaged for life, if you not already are …
If they're untreated and complacent then here's some advice, run for the hills, and don't look back. My ex with BPD cheated on me on Valentine's day. There's nothing you can do or say. I feel like all my efforts were for nothing. I did the due diligence to learn about BPD, I set boundaries but they'll cross it regardless. The moment you trigger them, it's over so don't even try to beg for closure.
Hey, I'm really sorry that you had this experience, but please try to remember that your ex isn't the embodiment of BPD, I have BPD and I've never cheated nor have I ever had the desire to, even before I was treated.
Also, the best thing you can do if you're wanting to date someone with bpd, do your research, remember that it is a very volatile illness for many people and if you aren't equipped for it, that's okay, most people aren't, but don't demonise us all based off of one or two people. I've been cheated on from people who weren't suffering any illness, cheating is different and if your partner used it as an excuse, that's really unfair, regardless, bpd doesn't make people cheat, I'm very sorry that you went through that.
Even in my lowest and worst moments, I would never ever cheat, I've said to my partner that if I'm ever too much to handle or something, he can leave completely free of guilt, the door is always opened and I'm not trapping him at all, for example. We have our problems and I struggle with jealousy and insecurities and all that fun stuff, it's usually if he reacts badly to something when it gets worse, the best thing you can do for someone with bpd is reassure them, remind them of their worth and just overall be loving and uplifting, people with bpd can also love deeper than others too, we feel pain harder and love harder usually, it can be toxic from either side of the relationship, but it's mainly about communicating your feelings, setting boundaries, agreeing to things together and finding ways to make it work, but if you aren't cut out for it, that's also not the persons fault with BPD if they have warned you ahead of time (my partner knew before we got together) if I could get rid of my illness, chuck it in the ocean and live a happy, healthy life now, I would, but unfortunately, that isn't how it is and I'm taking the steps I can to get better, despite the bumps in the road and my episodes, I'm far from perfect, same with my partner, he can make things very difficult, but that's not his fault either
He doesn't want to leave me and I don't really have the fear of abandonment anymore, because I know being single would be easier and less painful, but I'm still trying to make it work regardless
Seven years ago my husband was told by a therapist that she suspected he *might* have BPD (he had a very traumatic, abusive childhood). He stopped seeing her immediately. Now I feel like I’m the crazy one in our relationship. He tells me he loves me, then he’ll tell me he doesn’t love me, then he’ll tell me that we wouldn’t have broken up if we didn’t have children, then he tells me he doesn’t like me, etc. It’s always horrific after he returns from visiting his older brother - who is struggling more than my husband is. I am at the point where aI am in this marriage for our children’s sake. But he makes me feel very unloved and all alone.
im really sorry to hear you feel this way katie. you sound like a very supportive person and caring too. i am also in a relationship with a woman who has BPD. i understand to a degree what youre saying. i hope you get peace. much love 💖
I can feel you
Syster you have your own life and life is short ... please leav him for your own sake ❤😢
Your children need a happy, healthy, confident, safe mummy.
Oh you better not say someone with bpd "we will talk later" 😀it will just cause an immense tantrum
BPD partner’s reaction to “the 3 C’s” :
You’re the reason I react like this!
( you caused this.)
I wouldn’t react this way if you weren’t so stupid or didn’t do certain things.
(you are in total control of me.)
There’s nothing wrong with me! You’re the crazy one!
(there is no need for a cure. You are the one who needs to be fixed.)
Is there marriage therapy for persons who deal with ppl with bpd?? I'M ABSOLUTELY ON THE VERGE OF DIVORCE
RUN RUN RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN
By the way i tried boundaries.....big fail
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
You can run as fast as you can because most people with this diagnosis have big problems when it comes to relationships. Its even not their fault, they had super abusive childhoods. Again, save yourself because chances are very high that your soul will be damaged, abused by the person with BPD. I am in my second year in Therapy, my ex did put me to the trash from one day to the next. The day before she told me it is the best relationship she ever had. Most people with this diagnosis are completely lost in an ocean of constant changing feelings. They need to learn to regulate their feelings in therapy…. stay away from untreated BPD people. They can be nice and sweet, but they also can be super mean abusive and outright dangerous… Specially if you have children, never have a relationship with someone who is emotionally unstable. It will also hurt your kids massively….
best thing to do is avoid having relationships with people like this in the first place problem solved
I waited days with no response to try talking again and it went bad, then days later i not engaged anymore ugh
Best thing you can do is leave.
I understand but sometimes it can be to much for the other person. I don’t think people understand that, sometimes if feels like it does not work.I never knew about a lot of disorders until a few years ago.
If your partner has BPD then RUN. This will be the worst trauma and abuse you experience in all your life.
Why don't you say husband, wife, boyf, or girf? Why is it that everyone in this world is trying to say partner instead of husband or wife. Oh I get it we r trying to replace husband or wife with partner because we don't want to upset the lgbt community right?
@@johnnycarter2283 what a stupid comment you made. you should be ashamed
@@rte66pawnshop what did I say that was wrong and why should I be ashamed?
@@johnnycarter2283
Partner is just easier to say is it not? If they aren’t referring to any specific gender why would they waste the time by saying ‘if your wife,husband,boyfriend,girlfriend has bpd..’ instead of just a quick ‘if your partner’
@@moomoocherub2190 the whole point of them saying partner is to satisfy the transgenders and homosexuals out there . For example if 2 men are married they can't call either one wife because they r both men. This world is going downhill all they are trying to do is shove all this homosexual mess on us all and try to force us to think it's normal when it's not normal.
Purchase the fastest vehicle you can afford. Fill the fuel tank. Drive as fast as you can, away from the person with BPD.
Dakar Rally, Baja 1000, and East African Safari Rally are good starts.
I have bpd and this made me feel horrible and unlovable. Thanks
@@Bbx4943 deal with your own shit first. That goes for all of us, and failing to do so is our worst mistake. It's certainly been mine.
We actually can be horrible and unlovable. It's nobody else's responsibility to ruin their lives just to make us feel better about ourselves.
When we get to where feel like we're lovable, we're a lot safer to be around. And we can get there.
It's just wrong to try to avoid the hard work by finding a codependent to victimize.
You're just a human being, like anyone else. You're lovable. Learning to FEEL like you are, though, is the way out of the minefield for yourself and others.
Best wishes!
@@barrydworak I’ve been dealing with it for 17 years and I have bpd bc of my add, I’m bron with add so can’t change that. I just don’t want to feel alone anymore
People with BPD should absolutely seek help and take ownership of their behaviors. That being said, it's beyond frustrating when I see comments like this. "GET THE EFF AWAY FROM THEM BUY TICKETS RUN CHANGE YOUR NAME CHANGE COUNTRIES" Oh, man. It's painfully obvious when I come across those jaded and scarred by experiences with BPD people. And while I do feel empathy, and I absolutely agree you've got to look out for you, this is just such a disrespectful way to get that point across.
@@walkerlocker6126 That's contradictory.
Your acknowledge that people who ACTUALLY DEAL with others who have BPD end up posting this exact thing. Why do you think that is?
You prove me right.
I don't care what your excuse from the DSM is, if you can't help hurting people, you're a bad person.
A bad person needs to fix that alone, with a counselor, with a support group, NOT by finding more victims. That's true for all of us.
Codependent need to do the same and if we find ourselves attracted to BPD, we need to run away, hole up and get help.
Your only objection really seems to be that the truth makes perpetrators feel bad about what they do to other people. This is downright sick.
my boyfriend has bpd and 2 days ago he pushed me away. he usually does this for about a week if hes going through stress and im not giving him the attention or love he wants. the thing is though he's acting like he's suddenly become gay (after intensely loving me, a genderfluid who is primarily a woman physically and emotionally for over 2 years) and has even got a boyfriend. i feel really bad for this guy and im worried that my partner will be too worried about hurting him to come back to me when the episode is over. can someone please reply to this to talk about it and support me
Run away
@@lamawehbe1045 i found out who the boy was and hes way worse than my boyfriend, he tried to make me do the same thing to me before. me being pushed away had nothing to with an episode but my boyfriend being manipulated. hes back now and we both cut all contact with the other party
@@growskull be careful
I have bpd. Been there fr a year now. Got worse in the past 7 months. I think i abuse my partner. He talks to me normally and i just lash out at him , abuse him , make him feel bad and make him regret everything. Its like when i ask him to do anything he must and if he doesnt then ill lash out. He tries to be logical and explains everything to me logically but i cant handle it. Ill gaslight him manipulate him and threaten to kill myself. I have thought about killing myself but ik ill never go thro it just yet.. i feel so much pain when he doesnt do as i say. I tell him how i feel in detail i told him i have bpd and he keeps giving me logical reasons or saying stuff like this in ur hands dnt blame me u should control ur emotions etc.. i dont need logical reasoning at rhat point.. and he doesnt understand that. It makes me cry all night and once i have a bad episode it lasts for days ill stay in bed and not go out and maybe binge eat.. he says he wl try not to do it again but he does it every time. I want to feel loved even if its on text. If i feel like the tone is off or the words are off ill lash out again.. i tell him i feel worthless n uncared for and unloved for.. and he says i just assume things. Another bad ep just happened now. And ive been crying for hours.. he knows i have .. and if i tell him he wl say why ? What did i ever say to u ? What hurt u? And im like...... u still dont know what u did and its like the 1000th time its happening and u still ask me what hurt me ? We r both about to be doctors so yes we are aware of bpd and all yet he does not cater to my crisis . And he wl pretend to be normal in a few hours knowing all the hurt i went thro and the hours i spend crying and that makes it worse that he just doesnt care or thats what i think it is..he often says its not going to work out bw us but then he never really breaks up with me or leaves me . Maybe he is used to to the abuse i cause and he cant imagine his life witbout me. I also get panic attacks when i feel v sad or hurt. And my thoughts spiral into negativity. I do feel regret maybe 3 days later. But then again the cycle continuies. Again sometbing will trigger me which wud never trigger a normal person. What do i do ? How do i educate him ? I have nothin under control i dnt want to take meds..i went to therapy once n then my doctor got busy and is puttin me off.
It’s people like you that cause the stigma for people like us with BPD, the comments here reading about what people think of me and others with this mental illness is honestly heart breaking. I’m actively seeking to make myself and my life better, I’m medicated, I’m in therapy, I’m about to start BPT therapy, honestly it’s no one else’s fault we have what we have, sort yourself out. Get the help you need or you will lose every single person in your life or possibly your life.
seek help and end the relationship. he deserves better
@@kylehassan972 if he cares then he is there.
Stay away from people, stay away from that guy, you will ruin his life.
I recommend trying a new therapist. Work on bettering yourself, be the person you think your boyfriend deserves. It might mean you have to walk out of the room for an hour to calm down (or maybe for a few days) but I believe you can be a good person, but you need therapy to find out how. You can get better. Please don't let everyone make you feel evil, you're not. You're hurting, but you can stop the pain (or at least reduce it to a manageable level) with therapy and treatment.
so much to say…..this’s exhausting.
Totally agree. Best comment. So tired ... Sometimes.... It's like a rollercoaster in which running rails instead of riding them... Take care
I don’t even have to read this. I have been in that situation. I stayed too long. It damaged both myself and our children. You cannot help your partner. Period. You stay because there is a child like sensitive affect that they sometimes show.. it is not authentic. There is absolutely NOTHING yiu can do to help your partner. I am telling you from a place of love-leave NOW.
I did all of these things. Didn’t work 😂
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
I’ve set a boundary for about 2 years now… I wanna reconcile and see how it goes/how she has healed (I told her way back then I’m cool with leaving her alone if thats the outcome).. pray for me lol
Praying for u bro..
We are all in the same place
@@hashimarabey9195 crazy story I saw her today was real suprised but was lovely we both had a lil more clarity and gave her a hug at the end. Praying for everything in this process can get real tough at times hope all goes smoother here on out 🤞🏻
@crizzyplays, I see this comment was 1 month ago.. I’m curious, did you reconcile with her? And, if so, how are things going so far? I’m asking, because I’ve been gone from my BPD partner for almost a year now, though we talk on the phone at least 2-3 times a week. Our relationship lasted 15 years! “Roller Coaster “ definitely describes those 15 years!! I finally had to leave, to literally save myself! Since I’ve left , and after her 2 suicide attempts, “because I abandoned her” (her words, not mine), We both have been soul searching and working on our own issues, with our separate counseling/psychiatrist.. I know I have become a stronger, healthier, person! And, she tells me that, “she has also”! My ex-partner is now talking about possible reconciliation for us, in the near future. I , on the other hand, am Not so sure that would be a good idea, and I have told her that! Also, have told her, I’m extremely fearful of our relationship, eventually, going back to the same toxic relationship we had in the past, if we did reconcile. I believe I couldn’t trust it not to! As BPD can’t be cured, though I believe it can be controlled ( with constant awareness that it still exists). I’m just not willing to take that chance again with her. I came away from the 15 yrs I was with her, a “Broken” person! I was so traumatized, and damaged, from that roller coaster ride, I’m seriously surprised I survived at all! I still Love her, and always will , but, am I willing to step into that “minefield” again? With the hope of not getting blown up this time?? I’m thinking, NO! I’d like to just stay friends, like we are now.. talking periodically on the phone, but, living our own separate lives! Her hope is for “more than that, one day”. 😔 Sometimes I wonder if that would work?? Ever?
Thank you!!
RUN FOR THE HILLS BLOCK THEM AND FORGET ABOUT THEM!!
Good idea. I have bpd and I want people to run as fast as they can from me.
@@bevanbuckwheatshea5520 yeah sad reality.
Sorry its very rational and cute but this doesn't cut it most of the time they are telling you to go treating you like shite then treating you really well again they don't give a f about you love you or care
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
Divorce before you have kids. You (and your children) will be stuck in theses abusive relationships or in court until all children are 18.
Just exited an 8 mo relationship with a diagnosed borderline which to me is just a narcicist without the negative stigma I am in no contact that means blocked everything including cell and text. In all the descriptions I never got a satisfactory answer to the fear of abandonment part she never showed one iota of bieng afraid of me leaving her but looking back it hit me her fear of abandonment manifest in having other potential partners waiting in the wings that way when u threaten to leave over their outrageous behavior they have back up all ready to go so don't take it personal when you hear fear of abandonment there not afraid of losing you personally.they are cluster b they are very close to narcicist and operate much the same way no empathy they don't bond.what a lose lose situation heres how it goes ( Hi I have borderline which.means you should feel sorry for me when I act like a cruel selfish manipulative human being and better yet I have a license to do so IE you have to feel sorry for me when I act out,
because I suffer well really make others suffer from my disorder) these are manipulative people that have no pity for anyone but themselves
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel .
Your sick, I have a ton of compassion for people. Ur just resentful as hell
This is not good advice. If they are not in therapy, you should not be in their lives. Also, never give an ultimatum. If you are going to leave, just leave and never say anything. Your personal safety is the only thing you are responsible for. I almost lost my life on several occasions. The final time I left, I got a restraining order and then finally a divorce and went no contact whatsoever!!! The number one rule in any toxic relationship is never tell them you are leaving! Even attempting to set boundaries triggers them and could be the difference between life and death!🙏
"When you're both calm" ie never, for the BPD person!
Also, setting a boundary is laughable. That just gives them a target to aim their abuse at more directly.
You cannot help them. They must want to receive help. They must actively participate in their own healing and treatment. Leave. They need to embark on their own treatment and healing path for the rest of their life without relationship complications. Many many years of time on their own, and maybe... MAYBE... someday, if they continue to work and build skills they could perhaps qualify to engage in a relationship.
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
why are you acting like we’re incapable of loving someone or being loved ourselves? yes i agree that we have to put a lot of work in to gain skills and strategies to help us manage our condition but we aren’t monsters?
@@trashman2256 I'm doing nothing of the sort. I said nothing about love. I said nothing about monster. I did however, imply heavily that accountability is key, to self, first and foremost. I wish I could say I've never experienced the level of gaslighting and deception that you're presenting, go so far as using words I never did, but what you're doing is practically a universal response. Take responsibility for yourself, or give it away so you can blame others. Do whatever you want. You cannot ignore the consequences of those choices, however.
@@tedlogan4867 i never said you said that tho? i said that you’re acting like it, those two words are quite different. from the way you wrote the comment, it came across as you demonising us and your choice of words gave off the impression that you were trying to say we are incapable of being in relationships.
@@tedlogan4867 it’s hardly gaslighting and deception to an extreme level if i’m just stating the way your comment came across but okay. this is what i was talking about in my reply to your comment originally, the adjectives you’re using to describe people with bpd are quite rude. i’m sorry you had a negative experience with someone with bpd and i 100% agree with you that self awareness and self help are key to recovery however, please be careful with the way you word things because they can be really damaging to people with bpd.
Terrible advice about giving an ultimatum. Especially one so extreme.
I only said once in our marriage that I would leave …. 6 hours later I left…
What can you do? RUN!
It's just a medicalized way of saying someone is an a**hole. If you see BPD behavior and you don't want to be an unpaid psych ward worker for the rest of your life, get away. If you *have* BPD, just stop being a jerk, dude. Listen when your partner tells you you're not treating them right!!
He is treating me if i dont communicate properly that he is going to walk away from this relationship but i have calming histrionic personality disorder ,he has the one bpd. So how will we handle with their treats? Because at the end of the day he says we are going to marry, right? Or do you love me? And etc
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel .
Run run run and don't stop keep on running.
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel .
my ex has bpd , after dumping me ( I still don't know why ) she got really angry because I moved on and refused to stay friends with benefits ... she lost me forever and she repeats the evil patterns with another victim. Do not listen to their BS , just run for your life.
Most likely because they assuned (correctly or incorrectly) that you woukd leave them. Its common. Bpd is an abandonment disorder primarily. I.e. they are afraid of abandonment because of that pain. So logically if THEY leave YOU the pain wont be as bad
@@d4arken3ds0ul , how do they Not see that as Fu**ed up thinking?! Especially, if their partner does and says everything they can think of, to prove their Love for them?! I was her biggest supporter, her biggest cheerleader, her biggest fan! I had Faith in her strength to overcome so many obstacles, so many challenges in her life, I knew, because I’ve seen her do it! She was amazing! I “understood” her issues with BPD, I understood it wasn’t the way she “wanted” to be, I forgave her “nastiness” and her “bitterness”, and her downright “abuse” towards me! I accepted her apologies, every time, after her “episodes’.. believe me, there were 1,000’s of them!! But, yet, she continued to self destruct and try to destroy the relationship over and over again! We were together for 15 years.. before, she finally succeeded! And, got , it seemed to me.. what she wanted ! I was exhausted 😩! I just couldn’t take anymore! I had No effort left in me! I was defeated!! I had no other choice, but to walk away! I didn’t want to, I really didn’t! SHE pushed ME away! Pushed and pushed and pushed! I stood my ground for 15 years! I truly had NO intention on leaving her, ever! Problem was, She never believed that! She knew that “some day” I would, “just like every one else in her life”, as she would say! SO.. She continued to push! And, She continued to be “grateful”, when I didn’t leave, and she continued to be “sorry” for her behavior towards me, until.. She pushed again, and again, and again, until.. She was sorry once again, and grateful, once again, that I didn’t leave, again! Then.. it would start all over again, and on and on it would go!! This vicious cycle… Until, Yes! The Final Push! I didn’t have any more strength, any more patience, any more understanding, or empathy, to come back! I was empty 😔. I walked away … and, stayed away! SHE sadly attempted suicide, Twice , after I left her! She “didn’t know how she was going to live without me “, she said! That’s what She said!! ?? I’ll NEVER understand that ?! Thank God her suicide attempts weren’t successful!! But.. I was THAT important to you, for you to take your own life, because I “Left You”?? Then, What the hell was all that “pushing” about!? All that fighting, and yelling, and name calling, and abuse, about!? Why?? Why?? Why Not accept that Someone actually Does Love You!? That Someone actually Doesn’t want to Leave You!? Why Not just find Peace in THAT!? Why Not just feel Blessed, that you have THAT!? WHY NOT ???? I’ll Never understand.. WHY I wasn’t enough! What did I miss ? Did I miss something, that would have Stopped the “Pushing”..?? I Never did find the “Thing” that could have Stopped the “Pushing”..?? WAS there a “Thing” ? Did “It” ever exist ? Will I ever know..? Do YOU know.. ? “These”.. The questions, I will have to accept, that, I may NEVER get an answer to… 😔 😢
It just sounds like an excuse for them to be narcissistic if I can be honest wit youh
I have a partner with bpd and they're the sweetest thing :)
Everyone’s relationship with a bpd is the sweetest thing in the beginning lol
@@abolisher 🎯
when my boyfriend isnt in an episode he is so incredibly loving, cute and kind. i just wish he was like that all the time
@@growskull This is giving me so much peace knowing people are going through the same experience
@@shannonmzuppa ❤️🤝 glad to know i helped someone, btw my boyfriend is better now
What can you do? Leave them lol.
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
One word: run
RUN! 🏃🏻
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
Sorry but I hate people with BPD. They are abusive and then play the victim. I had one arrested.
I got bpd and i say too people i hate them
Behold the results was negative. I'm HSV negative it's been 4 years since I got my complete healing naturally with the help of Drchala from west Africa who I find here on UA-cam channel
No offense, but giving an ultimatum with the result of walking out of the relationship on them can not be a good idea. That is their worst fear. Maybe walk away from the conversation. Every word counts.
Run faster than ussain bolt if you wanna live anymore...