Ep. 123 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
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- Опубліковано 6 вер 2024
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This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer discuss what they think Bert's daughter's college experience will be like due to Bert's "party guy" persona, their tastes in fashion and art, and Bert's process of perfecting his stand-up routine. Bert shares a joke he wrote about Joe Rogan and Neil Young, and The Bears discuss their nicknames and brainstorm which rappers have the best nicknames. They wrap up by looking at videos of paragliding and ziplining accidents.
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Mondays with t-bunz and fat stix is the best
I can't believe he didn't remember fat Stix as a nickname!
If only they had some hot sauce.. it's the best
hOT sAuCE iZ da bEsss
Fat sticks is the best nickname. Lil Seguras are smarty pants
Bert Kreischer in a nutshell: "I'm not sure I agree with what I'm about to say" 🤣
😂
Tom looks like Burnts therapist today.
1:12:19
Yeah that's the look of a therapist. And definitely not a bond villain that just figured out his weakness
Lmao 😂 too funny
He looks sharp!
Hahahahahhahahahahahahaha for real
It's funny cuz you spelled his name wrong. Good one!
Bert likes reliving his trauma of being spiked, now he does it to himself. Poor burnt crystals
it was really off-putting to hear that, i get having a good time i like getting high too, but yea all that shit about what Ari did, and by no means was i on Ari’s side, but yea sounds like bert isn’t too against it
@@existent456 Yeah I was never a fan of Ari to begin with, just not my type of comedian, but after he drugged Burnt I definitely wasn't. Super low and loose move. Bert might be trying to do it to himself to feel "okay" with it.
😭😭😭😂
@@existent456 of course he's not again it, not like he's never done MD before.
PRETTY sure it's ah hundred percent different giving yourself a treat than someone spiking your shit in front of your wife and kids. Actually I'm positive it is lol.
Tom looking like he's sitting on a yacht and you have 24 hours to get his drugs back or give him 250k cash or you're dead.
Up against Tom you’re dead either way
cause Sosa said so?
Tom came straight from filming 'Ozark: part 2'
"Hey man I need your help, that crazy Peruvian is on my ass about that bundle of coke that was robbed! Where the fuck am I gonna get that money?! I'm dead man, I'm so fucked"
you mean tim
Listening to Brent Crusher slowly reverse engineer the concept that “art is subjective” has been the highlight of my commute to work. Thanks boys! 😂
Lol sometimes I just want to scream at brent through my head phones
Uh i
As a 25 year old woman, I hate the fact that I am able to relate with Bert on the subject of fashion, of all things
It frightens me that I relate to Bert on some of his humanistic philosophies and Trypophobia.
😂😂
Lol
Too funny girly
Better the fashion thing than almost ANY of his other things.
Bart: "I was obsessed with hip hop and rap"
Also Bart: "limp biscuit spoke to me"
Also also Bart: "I didn't know who method man or wu tang where"
"Today is a Xanax day" Bert both continues to surprise and not surprise me at the same time
As a recovering addict I giggle at his justifications haha. Benzos and booze are a deadly combo cocktail too, hopefully he's kinda cautious with that
@@iscream2232 tolerance plays a huge part in benzos and booze too. If he's taking a .5mg or 1mg xan in the morning he can drink later in the day. Even with those 2 he can drink on them he will just get more fucked up. It does take more to die with benzos and booze than opiates and benzos and alcohol and opiates.
@@iscream2232 That's exactly what I'm saying. Bert's gonna die soon if this is for real.
@@drugaddictwithknowledge9603 Yeah, what's "later in the day" if he wakes up at 10am and decides to start day drinking at noon..
@@robertfrost8264 yeah alprazolam lasts 4 hours and peaks in 2. But again if it's a .5mg or 1mg xan he will just get more fucked up he wouldn't die from that
Bart is like 12 year old Tom Hanks in "Big" if his character specifically wished he was 50 and fat
And alcoholic.
Lmao yes!!!!
More like Forrest Gump
Apparently Ari started a roofie trend with Bert and he doesn't even realize it.
Bert just said he roofies himself. Whenever Bert talks I get blood red mad.
@@Greeezy Stay mad lol, he's got more than both of us 👌💯
@@Greeezy don't be bothered by Bert, his life isn't as great as it appears to be. It's all a facade. Sure has money but his life is too complicated for money alone to provide happiness that money alone would provide alot of us
Bert's gonna literally kill himself. "Today's a Xanax day!" Hopefully he knows when he's popping them because if he decides to start getting hammered at noon on a "xanax day" he's gonna stop his heart hahah jesus christ.
Sure it is the only way he gets sex.
Bert being a Creed and Limp Bizkit fan is very much on brand. "It spoke to me" fucking killed my ass 🤣🤣🤣
It all makes sense now
I think he’s definitely also a smashmouth fan
Burt is the Limp Bizkit of comedy
Uhundred percent
Nickleback, everyone loves to hate them even though they aren't that bad, but they're also not that great
Dad vibes
So true.
That may be the meanest thing I've ever heard said about Bert
Bruce really said “I’ve been sleeping amazing because of the fitvine” and two seconds later he says “I didn’t exercise because I haven’t been sleeping well”
Who bruce
“Limp bizkit really spoke to me” more things bert says that dont surprise me at all
It’s the most on point thing, even more so than him saying going in the pool counts as bathing.
I feel like he is also a big smash mouth fan
Say what you will about bert-hes never said anything surprising
The fact that Tom peer pressured Bert into smoking cigarettes made me realize that Tom is the cool one and Bert is a dork
Finally Native gets a day off. Hopefully he hasn’t slept in several days and is down around 50k on blackjack. Just like he loves ❤️
LMAO
Nothing more rejuvenating than a coke fueled gambling binge!
Was it really $50k that one time? Lol 😂
@@sweetbeats i think it's a bit exaggerated, though he himself said it was definitely a couple 10k$, but if you account all the Vegas coke he probably blasted 50k$ overall.
lol either that or hes googling something...that stupid j
Every time Tom interrupts Bert, I cheer.
“Todays a Xanax day”
Tom: What are you doing? 💀
"Fred Durst was speaking to me through his lyrics..."
- Shit I never thought I'd hear. Ever.
Tom dressed like he got a bunch of Zara gift cards he has to use before they expire
Bro I lost it
dang. mwahahaha
abahahahah
I liked that part when Fat Stix told a bad joke, and then read the exact same joke from his phone, and then told the story about him explaining the joke to his wife. Great content.
This was the comment I was scrolling around for....I just couldn't be the only one with this thought lol I wouldn't quit my day job if I was Bart
I love that Halston is so tuned in with Bert and the family that he immediately started shutting down the “occasional show cigarette” for Bert 🤣🤣
Lee ann - “I don’t really get Dave Chappelle”
Bert - “she probably thinks I’m better than him”
Peak Bert.
Bert is that kid that tries to give himself a cool nickname and tries to act like everyone already calls him that. Baby Churchill? Nahhhh Bert more like Big Baby Koolaid aka Captain Hangover aka Chlorine Nuts
Aka Finger Wipe
The guy who on the regular has his shirt off, saying "I'm not really a clothes guy" is hilarious.
...
Well said capart
Currently in the hospital with my wife having our baby girl and getting thru the nerves with Brent and Tim is a great distraction.
Good luck new dad!
How do you have time to watch UA-cam videos? 🤨
@@ryanistooconceited because it's a c section for a high risk pregnancy and waiting to go in the O.R. so we are distracting ourselves with laughs.
@@scottglass5416 you’re naming the baby Bert right?
@@JP-mb5nd the machine was not on our list unfortunately. I didn't follow proto.
Man Bert acts differently when he's at his crib. Way more chill and relaxed, he still talking 90% of the time though.
Because it's already his space. He has his face plastered across every square inch of the walls so he has "enough" of himself. Outside of that room, he's got to impose himself to feel that same level.
Happy Monday everyone! Starting off the week right
Can we get an episode of the two of you in an art show. With Burt expressing his thoughts and feelings towards all the art.
Bert can artistically break down Limp Biskit 😆 🤣
As a musician, the drummer and bassist are great, the total package not so much. Listening to chocolate dtatfish while running can be entertaining though. Lol
There is no better quote to get to Bret's essence than " Limp Bizkit, I was obsessed! They spoke to me. Artistically, I could break down their lyrics"
I love that Tom is laughing his ass off during the whole gliding clip and Bert sits there contemplating life
Anyone have a link to that gliding clip? Thanks Jeans!
Bert talking about clothes and watches is like listening to a giraffe talk about Santa's elves.
😂😂😂😂
the irony of Bert dosing himself as a treat lol
The beginning bit about the art reminds me of a girl I dated in high school. Her parents were both sheriffs in our county as well as bikers. For months, every time I'd go to her house, her dad would remind me to not go into his "Harley room". I had asked the girl and her brother several times what was up with the Harley room and of he just didn't like me. They insisted he liked me but that the Harley room was off limits to guests. They told me it has all kinds of Harley merch, different signed photos etc and that it was just a rule they had. One day, the girl's brother said fuck it, let's go hang out in the Harley room. Now I'm terrified of their dad finding out because I was just some 16 year old kid, but I say alright let's go. We walk in and the first thing I see isn't anything to do with Harley Davidson, it's a fucking black/white full photo of their mom naked. Then I notice there are more scattered across the room. She was a pretty hot mom so I'm just like "what the fuck is happening right now!?" And they're both acting like it's this completely normal thing! I turn 30 in a few weeks and can still remember that fucking room. 😂😂
Bert's ability to live in his own reality is really going to come in handy when everything is in shambles and his health is past repair.
Agree- love he thinks college kids give a fuck what each other’s dad’s do for a living
So like right now
Tommy bunz laughing at the parasailing killed me
It seemed Ari dosing Bert made Bert wanna control who surprise doses him
We need a “Is that your thing?” Shirt with Toms face smiling on it 😂
Holy shit, did we make it through an entire episode without looking at porn? Someone get these guys a trophy
They looked at Tom's other porn, near fatal accidents
All they will be getting is a written warning. 2 more and they will get a write up.
the parasailing story did it for me. my stomach hurt from laughing. the laugh track from Tom helped me get into the guy falling into trees; twice! lol
Immediately hit with memories of the heavy segment. The scalpel made me shiver. Love these bears
Berm being a big fan of Creed and Limp Bizkit makes perfect sense.
Brent Crenshaw and Tim are something else
Bert is the real life Homer Simpson 😆
The only thing missing is Bert lying on a couch for this solid therapy sesh with Dr. Segura
Closing the streets for a little freezing rain and Texas acts so tough lol
The way Bret says “Hot Tub Tony Francis” is like he’s trying to get beetle juice over!
Bert: paragliding is the worst thing
Also Bert: let's try hot air balloons
Amazing that Bert was the one who pronounced Basquiat right. I guess if there was a trophy for pronouncing artists names correctly Bert would've wan it
Tom laughing at the guy falling off the mountains made me laugh
I can't wait to see all the comments about how bert talks alot. Week after week people are still 😮.
Right? These fans sure love to beat a dead horse.
Coincidentally, Bert has a story about a dead horse! It was in college. At a party!
I laughed when I saw it on episode 10. After seeing it 10k times it just keeps getting better 😀 /s
This has become 2 Bears in MANY CAVES!
Tom is such a psycho laughing at the parasailing accident 😂🤣
That time Bert held his hand up at Tom and said “hold on” and then held his finger up at Haulston and said “stop playing videos while I’m talking”.
For a nothing ass story that had Tom straight faced the entire time. For someone who constantly claims he can “improve other peoples stories” Burp really has no awareness of his boring ass stories
That surprised me a bit...
Bert could make Goggins tap if he had to keep up with Bert in Mexico lol. He would be so drunk and high he wouldnt know what a boat is much less how to carry it
Two Bears One Goggins…🤣. I can see the thumbnail now, David Goggins in the middle and these two on both sides doubled over and puking.
the most Bart thing ever was said during this show.... " Fred Durst was speaking my language." ...
Hey the Behind blue eyes cover they did was fire I don’t care.
I chuckled when Bert said Limp Bizkit, “Spoke to him,” but I swerved my car and almost crashed when he brought up Creed 🤣🤣🤣
In this episode, Bert talks for an hour and teaches himself that comedy is subjective. Love it!
Bert literally had the same taste in music as me! waiting for him to mention Puddle of Mud
I swear he's told that method man story like 6 times.
It happens.
You get old and your stories get repeated over and over.
Even someone like Bert who travels every week, runs out of stories and memory
It's not much of a story. How does it get told once?
Bart's busting brain cells at a staggering rate...even faster than i am...and that's quite an achievement
I love how Tom gets so proud of Bart every time he thinks of something that’s actually a good idea
48:26 I was literally crying at work 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
listening to Bart re-emphasize to Tim that he wrote that Rogan/Young joke (which was just ok btw) is like when you were a kid and you put your big boy pants on for the first time and kept letting mom know about it.
Right?? He, a long-time comedian, wrote a topical pun and was so happy about it. I’m curious what he was like when he was younger, because every once in a while, he drops the high pitched laugh, slows down a bit and, out of nowhere, says something that is thoughtful and seems like a different side or him. It completely humanizes him I guess? I mean if he could just turn up his self awareness like 10%, stop leaning into the I-stopped-personal-growth-in-‘99 bit, and shared the mic 15% more…I think he’d be great to listen to. But what do I know, I’m just as broken…just way quieter about it. 😃
Five beers deep on a Monday evening watching while playing video games, they start talking about a guys trip to Mexico and I start getting excited like I’m invited.
This is probably the best thing to listen to while gaming.
Tom loves the look of disgust on people 😂
Have you seen his reaction to people walking out during the heavy segment? That's what he live for
I totally understand you Bert. When Wu-tang Forever came out we would all listen to it over and over and write down all the lyrics we could figure out. Now there is Genius...
Toms laugh is too much lmao 😂
Bert, - "He goes up with Keenan from Fatburger.." LMAO! i lost it bruh
"I've been mixing Xanax into my medication just to give myself a little treat" Bert is such an interesting creature
Love when Tom laughs hard as shit. Man though dark 🤣🤣
The “comedy broker”/ basquiat painting analogy is the most insightful thing Bert has ever said”
Definitely enjoyed this episode. When they talked about Rap ❤️
Love listening to two middle aged white men break down rap
52:25 the subtle moments of this podcast are the most hilarious: Bert, "-did you just fart?" Tom, "yea."
Idk why I burst out laughing at that just by Tom's facial expression
11:47 Bert is going to die. He's dosing himself, randomly with Xanax.. that mixed with a random day of day drinking is gonna put that Mickey Mantle gene to an abrupt end. He's literally playing Russian Roulette.
Don't worry his LA doctor told him it's like totally chill bro
Definitely can't just stop cold turkey either, ironically might be dangerous at this point
He is the machine
The entire point of a xanax day is to NOT worry
Brant isn't even going to make it to age 63 though. Guy has had a distended abdomen for a fucking decade due to liver failure yet still thinks its ok to get drunk every day.
While watching the paraglider dude in the tree clip, I couldn’t stop laughing, wondering “am I a psycho for laughing at this?” Then I heard Tom laughing and I knew the answer was yes.
If Bert said that he found that t-shirt in a dumpster, I wouldn't even question it.
Bert "Stop playing things when I'm talking"
Everyone thinks "But you're always talking Bert"
Are we gonna not talk about the fact that birds movie takes place in Russia and and there is quite a bit of buzz around that right now 🙃
This show has to devolved to basically Tim interviewing a caveman and explaining basic modern things to him.
Imagine if Bart didn’t have five full time babysitters, a wife, a dad that could pay for ten years of college, an agent, and a business manager. I think, he thinks he’s the one keeping the ship afloat.
Everyone let's be real 😂 When Bert heard of "Cuban Links" He thought it was a pack of hotdogs 😂🌭
I love how when Tom finds something funny he glances at Brent to see his reaction and if it’s a good reaction, Tom laughs even harder.
Halston saying "Don't encourage him" (to smoke) at 51:10 is priceless.
Holy shit, this is the most Tom has talked on an episode of 2B1C. It's good to see growth in Brett to let him talk.
43:00 I was like Leanne I still didn't get it until the story was over... "Oh shot, vaccine shot, misinformation"
Bert: gets mad when Ari roofies him.
Also bert: roofies himself
clip it
Bert forgot his best nickname, Fat Sticks.
Burt was so proud of that Neil Young joke
I’m sure Bert hyping up Tom’s shoes while unknowingly wearing way more rare Union Jordan 3s was hilarious for the sneaker community 😂
So glad Burt is telling the driving around black girl who showed him hip hop story again, almost forgot that one…
No one cares how much time you waste on podcasts
@@digitalsalsas lmao what are you even talking about
"Fred Durst was speaking my language" lmaoooo
I want to know what Brent pays his assistant (Peter).... because it must be A LOT if that guy is still around.
Thought his name was Bruce
Peter “got disappeared” filming in Russia.
Just watched Bert’s show in Evansville last night. It was amazing
Just not the same without Enny and Native’s laughing lol
Yeah it's way better without them power laughing at every word the bears say
@@blinksback ehhhhhhh I dunno bout that
@@themikeypass3828
Brent: "I don't drink on stage.. ok i had a beer on stage"
Native: "HAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA1!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I would watch a podcast that is just Bert and Tom reacting to different types of slams