I’ve always disassociated and I never realized how abnormal it was until I found out other people don’t have entire separate worlds in their minds and don’t have periods where they feel like the world around them isn’t real. Sometimes, I have dreams that feel more vivid than the “real” world and I have to spend a few days trying to determine if I’m awake or asleep.
I have ADD, and it is often hard not to tune out of things that don't interest me. That must be a state of disassociation, but that's sometimes where I get my best thinking done. Because I can immerse myself in thought. I haven't found a way to not do it, and I have read I likely never will.
I (we) have D.I.D from all the trauma. Our system has hundreds of alters. I can interact with alters in dreams, I'm the main front alter, it took a long time to realize I was part of the system too.
Me too. I had a marijuana overdose in August of 2021 and every day since then I feel like i’m dreaming 24/7. I had to drop out of college and i’ve been unemployed for a year because it effects me so much I can’t function properly but it’s not a valid/reasonable enough excuse for people when I can’t go to work or class
My mother doesn't remember my childhood. I can't talk to her about my father's abusive behavior because I'm pretty sure she disassociated through my entire childhood.
Same I remember it used to be worse when I was 13 though because I’d just pace around imaging it Now I try and escape somewhere alone to think about it I usually just go to bed I don’t think it gets in the way of me living though and I’m embarrassed about it so idk if I need fix it or
Maladaptive daydreaming saved me from the effects of major trauma as a child. It returns as a coping strategy as an adult during times of high stress. It helps and doesn’t hurt anyone so I’m not sure it is maladaptive…..?
I had maladaptive daydreaming until I was 28. Then my reality changed and I realized our imaginations might not be ours when my daydreams were cut off. Like I could not longer daydream. And then everything was replaced with terrifying things when it wasn't there at all. Part of me thinks it was a training sessions to make certain synapses in our brains stronger (also so we wouldn't spend as much time around people and pretty much anything else that resulted from the daydreaming)
I’ve been saying for the past three years that I pretty much live in a semi disassociative state 24/7. If something stressful happens, I’ll feel even further outside of my body, but generally I feel very numb most of the time. I haven’t felt like myself in a really long time, and I feel like I don’t even know who that is.
You put it into words. This is how I’ve felt for about 15 years. I don’t even know if it’s possible to feel real again. About once a year my brain slips up and I feel real for about five seconds and it’s so overwhelming that I get yanked back into dissociation.
Same, for over 7 years. I’m on low dose naltrexone with the hope to fix it but no such luck yet. Maybe more time required. I think feeling real again would be scary overwhelming.
This! When she said "days, weeks, months" I went "how about years??" I'm sorry that you guys also experience this, but it feels good knowing I'm not alone. I've felt like I'm watching a movie of myself for the past 10 years or so and I can't even pin down what might have caused it. I also think that if someone invented a pill that would snap you out of dissociation tomorrow I would be terrified to take it.
Inattentive ADHD is either a lot like, or is a kind of dissociating. I have that and ptsd, and sometimes it's hard to know which is causing me to check out mentally at any given time. I think one feeds into the other.
Yes, I got it too. RSD is also a common thing for people with ADHD, and research has shown that we generally experience trauma several times more than neurotypicals of the same age. Mainly because of the ADHD symptoms such as trouble with social interaction. So there might indeed be a connection.
i have combined type, and...yeah. i pretty much dissociate through social interactions w/strangers and unpleasant situations and the memory of it will feel so...dreamlike?
I am a master at maladaptive daydreaming and I never realized how much it disrupted my real life until I saw your videos. Though I am mostly aware of my surroundings, guess I implement this into my daily life quite good.
Same. For me it's the same as a young person wearing headphones and listening to music. It's basically my auto pilot mode that I can always take control of, except if I'm doing something too boring to do manually, then I'm straight up locked out of control until I decide to do something else 😂
Sometimes when I try to bring up a situation where my mom was abusive, bringing it up tactfully without aggression or blame just talking, she’ll have no memory of it and usually says something to the effect of “I’d never do something like that!” Which is why I can’t really discuss things in my past with her. Not only was I hurt in the past, but brushed off and gaslit in the present. It hurts real bad. 😢
@@wabi_sabi52 You have a point, it’s probably not gaslighting if she doesn’t remember. I guess it just feels that way. Also the not believing me when I bring something up is disheartening.
If she doesn't validate that you went through trauma, she's gaslighting, and most likely narcissistic or has narc tendencies. Even if she blocked it out, it should be validated, not dismissed. I have a narc mother. I'm sorry you're being and feeling dismissed. It's horrible. Mothers are meant to be the one person in the world that loves you no matter what. It's a horrible wound to heal. Sending you love ❤
Had a series of panic attacks and went to counseling. I started to realize, I'd been having "fainting" disassociation spells all my life. Listening to this video, I realized something that maybe other people need to know. I feel there are many times where I "spaced out" but left my listening behind. It was UNSAFE to just space out completely. It's apart.. like a dream.. what is REALLY happening. But I knew what was said. I played possum. I used to feel this meant I was "faking" the event. I see now... that it was such a defensive, self preserving act.
I only remember small bits and pieces of my childhood. I protected myself from the severe emotional and extremely inappropriate behavior of my alcoholic father. I am one of 6 kids. 2 girls. 4 boys. My brothers are alcoholics. My sister has OCD and none of us are close in any way. My sister was also a victim of our father. My brothers attacked her verbally when she tried to tell them. Dissociation can happen at any time in your life. You are protecting yourself and don't need to know what you have forgotten. I am so happy I don't remember but also feel like I had no childhood at all. Years completely lost. ❤
All the best to you to start. Truly, the best! Would you like a resource on sexual assault that is wildly good to have but maybe not for everyone at the time Im asking.
I dated a person and everytime l put a demand on him (like what are your feeling, lets go there now, or stay over tonight) he would go silent and then say he doesn’t remember what he did…no way to have a relationship as a result. Is there a path to healing?
Thing is, some parts of you most certainly DO remember what happened. “The Body Keeps the Score”, and all that. There is safety in slowly and carefully poking at the fences in our minds, not in trying to never touch them. ❤
Dissociation feels like a wild rollercoaster, in the beginning you are just confused because you don't understand what's happening, then you figure out that it's Dissociation and you hate Dissociation for all the things it took from you, and finally after you start to get better you understand that Dissociation is not the enemy and is just your brain shielding you and you understand that it saved your life. You go from confusion, to hate for the things it took, to appreciation for the life it gave you.
Wow as a Capricorn where pluto has returned and wiped me out since 2008, I can agree with you. Can't wait for pluto to destroy all aquarians in jan for 20 years instead of us Caps .
This is an awesome way to look at it, I have often resented that I do not feel as I used to, or that I hardly remember that feeling anymore. This gives me another way to look at as though if my body had not done what it has done, I may have gone down a path of self harm or whatever else may happen in life. I hope that one day I can reach a safe enough place in life to where my brain feels safe enough to reconnect, but I am unsure if that will happen. Thank you for the thoughts tho I will try and apply it.
I was diagnosed with DID over 40 years ago during a 2 month hospitalization. (BTW, I'm so glad they changed the name of the disorder to DID). I had lots of trauma as a child and I finally hit the wall at 25 years of age. It was explained to me that it was a coping and survival mechanism. I could have conversations let's say at work with managers and then walk away and know that I had a conversation but I didn't walk away with the conversation in my mind. It was like I went on auto-pilot. No one was the wiser except me. The worst time I had with it was when I was hospitalized and one afternoon I was thinking about stuff and I said to myself, "LIsa, you've never been afraid of anything in your life." The next thing that happened was it was like a movie reel went on in my head of everything I had ever been afraid of in my life. It was quite shocking and gave me pause. It was definitely discussed in therapy. Now I'm in my late 60's and I successfully retired and I am enjoying my life, but I do go on "auto-pilot" sometimes if I am stressed about something or overly tired. I also had an instance after my hospitalization where I was talking on the phone with my sister and my sister was talking about something that happened at my grandmother's house and I didn't remember. My sister was like, "What do you mean you don't remember? You were the one who called for an ambulance." I had forgotten all about that incident until she talked about it. It was again like a movie went off in my brain. When I called my therapist (I was out of therapy by this time) and told him what had happened, we talked about it and I asked him "what the hell else am I going to remember?" He just told me that it's important that I don't remember it all at once because that would not be good. But the hope is that I remember things slowly, some maybe never, and then I will eventually integrate myself. It's good that the brain has coping mechanisms, but it can be a bitch to untangle the ball of yarn.
I can’t remember huge chunks if my childhood. It’s as if it didn’t happen. I was in foster care, adopted to abusive parents and, thank God, put back into foster care. I didn’t get the help I needed for years and I’m 62 and finally for the last year been present in my own life. If you’ve gone through something PLEASE get the help you need. You are worth it!
be careful, I have otherwise great long term memory. I conjured up decade's old memories that were very traumatic and it gave me a flashback, it was very upsetting, I used my grounding techniques to tell myself that I am now safe, and nobody is going to do that me again.
@ with the right therapy you can be whole again, but whole doesn’t necessarily mean remembering everything. Most therapists now agree that you don’t need to, or want to, drudge up those decades old memories. Dealing with what you remember, without digging up new memories is enough. I sure hope your grounding techniques continue to work and you can move on! ♥️
I feel this is common amongst people who were emotionally neglected as kids. To create world's where we felt we were actually important enough. I did this too, still do at 43
@@clury9477 yes and no, depends. I also have inattentive ADHD so boredom is a trigger for me as well. I've had to get very firm with myself at times when I realise I'm doing it and tell myself "not now" and have to physically touch my surroundings to ground myself. Sometimes it works, sometimes not
Mine went on so long after traumatic grief, loss of my partner, that I, how can I put it, "came to" in an apartment I had somehow rented on my own with no recollection of getting the lease. This happened while frying up breakfast food and voices in my head told me to wake up. They told me what was going on and I booked my therapist ASAP. Apparently I'd already been seeing her for 6 months. I've come such a long way in the past 5 years, the voices are gone and I'm a nursing student with a mortgage. It can get better. Still feel so sad for the woman I used to be and have no idea of the journey she went through til that point or exactly how long it went on for, but I'm forever grateful she held on and got through it. We are now one again ❤
I think it's important to emphasise that dissociation in itself is not dangerous, and that just because you've had a dissociative fugue it doesn't mean that you will develop dissociative identity disorder further down the line. It's unpleasant and can be frightening, but in itself isn't dangerous or a symptom of something worse. There are ways to manage it if you dissociate frequently, and it doesn't mean that you're weak or broken ❤
Most of the time when you develop DID it’s because of something that happened when you were young. When you’re young you have even less coping skills the average big person has and so the only thing your brain can think to do is to separate the memory so completely that it builds another personality to carry it. It builds someone who can carry that trauma. I think it is possible to develop DID later in life but if it is, it’s very rare.
Thru therapy, learning to cope, DBT helps and it happens less. I remember losing times, hours. Now, it’s more of a blip. Sometimes I think it is gone, then find out, I’m still doing it sometimes. they tend to be more blips verses long “missing time.” Hang in there. I promise it will get better. I try to keep my life out of any drama/stress. Your mind will relax and get better. I know someone who had DID, the other side of the spectrum. She has her moments, but NOTHING like it was. The mind is amazing. It takes an intolerable situation and transports to another plane until it feels safe and better relaxed to cope with the present even when you don’t remember. Try not to beat yourself up when you honestly can’t remember.
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.sporesss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place. Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac. He's constantly talking about killing someone. He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
See, I have “maladaptive daydreaming” constantly by the descriptions in your video… but I have never, ever felt like I was actually not in my body, or not in my environment. More like layering over it and ignoring inputs from other people. But I have always been solidly aware of the environment and what is happening around me at the same time as I am daydreaming. I can’t block it out, I am in my body, in this reality, just also having fantastical conversations happening in my head where I am envisioning other people who do care about me and will talk through the situation on the outside with me.
I remember experiencing something like this during the time when I was severely burnt out from work. It felt like my life wasn't real, that I was watching myself from the outside.
Thank you Kati! I am diagnosed with DID. I love these videos explaining what causes dissociation. I would love to watch a video that explores coping mechanics and how someone can function in society with this type of mental illness. It's possible- I've done it! But it's taken years of hard work to get there.
Lollllll I literally got halfway through the video and started having a mental conversation with someone I had an argument with yesterday and the ad break in the video knocked me out of the daydream.
Kati- Thank you for breaking it down. My mother passed away a few years ago and for almost a year I "functioned" like normal, but I couldn't remember anything significant of that whole YEAR. After lots of trama therapy, I realized basically I'd been living on level 8-9 in stress and had basically shut down. I didn't realize there were so many levels, and that puts even more into perspective as to how I am able to manage my life day to day. Thank you! Extremely helpful!
As well as daily life stresses or changes, I also see panic attacks as one place where a dissociation can happen. Thank you for showing a wider perspective of how and where symptoms can happen without being black and white about disorders vs experiences. I think it's important to normalise our mind and bodies reactions in life that dont necessarily lead to or mean a longterm condition is present ❤
During my adolescence, sometimes I used to become physically unable to hear my environment. I would see people's lips moving, but I would not hear a thing. It happened so often, especially in school. I don't suffer from it anymore, but I still freeze out when I am faced with a confrontation. It is so frustrating because I want to defend myself but feel unable to.
This right here, giiiiiirl. Not being able to defend myself from physical or emotional attacks. It did possibly keep the situation from escalating but it's like why do people get to do this to me? My overall viewpoint of it has changed a lot over the last 3 years including believing that everything is lined up to fit together in like a cosmic script but sometimes I look back and think I really should have been allowed to respond to shitty people in a way that was productive and made me feel better
Depression haunted my life from a very young age, and I was put on a bunch of SSRIs as a child in attempt to deal with it. None worked. Psychedelic mushrooms was brought to my attention. It was the first thing that actually had real effects. They should only be used with great care and respect. 2:50
I can't remember any traumatic even before I 'discovered' dissociation. There's [plenty of reason to think it's possible, but I can't believe there no clues or hints around such an event, give4n how profound it'd have to have been. As soon as I started learning arithmetic, I found that if I didn't pay any attention to my brain adding the numbers up, it got the right answer every time, even though I had no memory of anything except passively 'watching' the numbers add up in my head. All I had to do was stop thinking (making successive decisions about what each number added to the previous one came to. I couldn't get it to work with anything but adding columns of numbers,but it shaved 2/3 of the time I needed to do those sums. There were a couple of instances where I saw a "bird's eye view" of myself - once age 8 at the end of a near-drowning incident, and also several times while playing violent field sports at a macho boys-only private school. Then I noticed that if I got into a really risky situation while driving, I would have no memory of hearing anything until the risk was over. Although I'm no 8-ball genius, I had one magic night with just enough alcohol in me to 'let go' of concentrating on my shots, and let my body go through the motio9ns by itself. I won 13 successive games on a bar-room challenge table. i could remember making the shots, but not calculating the angles and forces. I could remember seeing myself on the sports field, but nothing about taking any control over what I did. Bottom Line: A decade ago, I heard a psychologist talking about how sporting and creative people sometimes report that kind of positive circumstance fugue state. Apparently, the hippocampus is involved in decision-making as well as managing memory storage and retrieval. My hypothesis is that when some people are in situations where maximum decision-making can help, their hippocampus shuts down some or all of the memory-recording function so it can focus on decision-making. In some traumatic situations, perhaps this is to focus on the fight/flee/freeze decision that must be made, at the expense of having no memory of making decisions, or even the entire traumatic episode. Obviously that's not an entire explanation of fugue and similar levels of dissociation, but it could be at least part of an explanation.
My hypothesis is that there is no free will of body or mind and that everything is lined up in this sort of cosmic script. Every action, thought perspective and emotion fits together like a puzzle. Which is why all of these supposedly strange things can happen and we are made to look for an explanation sometimes
I've had similar experiences & I was Dx'd w/ DID when I was being treated for depression @ around 30 yrs old. I'd had 2 kids by then, a divorce, & several executive positions @ jobs for which I'd not trained. Also been Dx'd w/ Systemic Lupus, & successfully applied/been denied/appealed/& won my SocSec Disability pension @ age 25 on my own. Not many have done that. I've never owned a car, but can drive very well, & have avoided accidents like a race driver. There's been family members as witnesses that still talk about them. I can't explain it. And still, there's things I can do to this day, like make meals w/out tasting the food, I have severe food intolerances, yet when I serve them everyone says they love the food. And I'm NOT using just salt & pepper, but spices like fennel, dill, smoked paprika, different kinds of mustard seeds, etc. I can SEE the flavors melding in my mind, & use the proportions I need to use for the amount of ingredients I'm using. Is it the personalities I created long ago? I can't tell. I haven't met or know them well enough to understand. And I have come to know I'll never be able to really integrate completely either. And my sons & I have come to peace w/that. We feel safe.❤
My mum had a major stroke when I was 25 became disabled, lost most of her speech and had a change in her personality. The years that followed I forgot what she sounds like and was like before the stroke - like my brain almost didn’t want to remember because it was too hard. It’s only now that she passed (2 years ago) that I have started remembering how she was 15 years ago. I’m not sure if it counts a disassociating but I’m sure it’s related.
Kati, I had derealization after the birth of my 3rd baby. I have watched LOTS of videos over the years including yours in the past. But THIS one really helped me understand better why I had the DR. I thought it must be from trauma as that is what I primarily hear. It makes more sense that my body just couldn’t handle the stress (combined with a huge hormone dump after birth) that I went into DR. It lasted for months and can reoccur but with medication and lots of tools, today I am good. Thank you. I really appreciate you. ❤
Today is a deeply dissociative day. And I find that putting on your videos on the subject helps a great deal in coming back to myself. Almost like a call into the wild, reminding me to come home. Watching this was soothing, and calming, and though I don't know that that was the purpose of it, know that your work on here helps this one girl to find her way back when the mind leaves the room. :) I've had decades of therapy off and on, have studied psychology and have to work every day on making sure I take care of my mental health. But bad days still happen. Tomorrow will be better. And your videos are often the catalyst for that. Thank you, for putting yourself out here, and for being that little light in what feels like insurmountable darkness.
Being in a conversation with my boss, him telling me "What's wrong, you look like a deer in the headlights?" and then in a moment of pause I realise I don't know who was supposed to make me respond but I knew that Kate needed to do it so guess we'll send a message to the body to coordinate motor function for responding. Or getting a text saying "session cancelled" sending back "Sure, see you next week", then getting dressed and leaving for the session but not knowing why or where I was going and being so AFK from my body that I couldn't emote or re-direct myself to do something different. Or looking at my hands and thinking "Who owns those?" Yeah, dissociating fkn sucks.
I really appreciate you making videos like this because it's been my experience that the more I learn the more I'm able to get help for myself. I can remember conversations I've had with people where I tried to explain to them how I felt like something was up with me but I couldn't explain it in a way that made any sense to somebody who doesn't experience it. But I found out there was a word for this experience, that changed everything for me.
OMG! I'm a Dissociatiator! How have I never known this before?! I've always chalked it up to "Early Onset Alzheimers". True, this EOA began when I was in elementary school, making it an unlikely diagnosis, but it's always been my go-to explanation for the life-long, persistent memory lapses.
This unlocks many vulnerabilities I'm too nervous to share, but I want to comment anyway to say, without specifics, I relate, and I'm so frustrated with this issue controlling my life.
I realized deep in my 20’s that the “superpower” I had developed-retreating into my head-as a result of severe, severe adverse circumstances in childhood…it caused me to miss out on most of my own life. I can only recall slivers. I know I was there but the memories weren’t encoded where they otherwise would be. It’s a very jarring experience to find yourself in that position. This is doubly true when you are attempting to “come back”, so to speak; to be present from this point forward. I’ve heard this best described in John Steinbeck’s East of Eden, in which we read that the protagonist begins seeing the world “as through the bottom of a well”. We’re told that this distance “did not protect him from assault but it allowed him an immunity.” Once the dissociation becomes more than a retreat, but rather a comfort and a refuge, it can feel startling to actively reengage with the world around us.
i experienced this a lot through my life. no childhood memories, a few about teen life. then i found better enviroment and got out of my trauma situation, but i needed to work too much for it, so, again - faced dissotiation, this time because of being overworked and having very little time to sleep/eat. after that got a stable home, found a good partner - but got so scared of good things in my life that got into a fog for a year - just to adapt. now i am quite okay. good life, good partner, friends, i even have a future - but i feel like a tree with no roots. i have very few memories compared to other people i know. and i've been through a lot. i know facts about my biography - and this is quite a story. but i will never feel it, and it is sad. i did it all by myself, i am proud, but it's just feel like it's not mine and i cant remember. i dont feel bad because of it. i am just a very "now" person, because i have no past. it is just sad sometimes
My therapist explained this to me yesterday and it made so much sense. Because although I don't feel anxious, something in my body does to make me dissociate.
I had this happen to me. My dad held a knife to my mums throat ,I threw a vase as him and my mum lashed out at me because it was a wedding present I broke, she slapped my face and scarred my check with her nails,accidently in a rage or fright, the next thing I know my nan's hugging me ,telling me it's OK and to just stay away and ignore them and lock my self in my room in the future. My whole bedroom was chucked around ,posters pulled from walls ans stuff thrown everywhere,my nan said I did it and to this day 40 years on I have no recollections of doing it
It is so so important to understand that DID stems from childhood trauma only. Other types of dissociation can occur after a traumatic event in adulthood. The reason i stress this is because people faking this disorder has made mental Healthcare professionals disregard, ignore, or disbelieve those who truly need help. Thank you for listening.
Like watching your friend get run over by a car within a few feet away at age 7? By watching your 2 year old sister fall out of a moving car then rolling down a hill to oncoming cars? Being trapped in a field of fire 5' sawgrass as the crackling surrounds you then running for your life age 7? Watching your mother potentially lose her mind on a daily basis for no reason 5-18? - Thank God we all made it out of all that unscathed.
It amazes me that many psych professionals do not "believe in DID." New patient #1: "I hear voices and see flying blue dogs. They have wings and talk to me. They bark their messages but I understand their language. Oh, and did I tell you that I work for a Secret Government Agency? We are investigating the Dog Planet. That's why the dogs visit me." Professional believes patient and diagnoses him with schizophrenia. New patient #2: "I often cannot remember where I have been or what I have been doing for days at a time. Last week, I woke up in a hotel and did not know where I was or how I got there. I found strange clothing in my closet that I did not buy, yet my credit card statement proves that I did buy them. Strangers come up to me, seem to know who I am, but address me by a name that is not my own. People tell me I have done things that I do not remember doing." Professional disbelieves patient, and notes in her file that patient fabricates fantastic stories and stands by them. She must truly be Borderline because, you know, DID is "not a thing." Patient is diagnosed with BPD. Go figure.
I'd like to argue here, that regardless of whether someone is faking DID, the people who do this also "truly need help". If you are faking a disorder, there is something going on inside that requires serious help and treatment
Dissociation is been a big problem for me and apparently my entire life because I have a memory of being in middle school and I sat down next to the wall in the gym and the next thing I knew I was in some office with a bunch of adults and I had no idea what was going on. I also have big black holes in my memory especially a childhood but it has continued into my adult life too. And it's really weird because I have almost a photographic memory, so those gaps in my memory are really, really obvious to me. It's been something I've been trying to work through and have found it pretty difficult.
Hi Heather: This is something to explore with a therapist. Once you feel safe and supported in therapy, you can feel safe enough to begin to make sense of those episodes. But do work with a true trauma therapist.
@@benuchytil7003 don't worry I am working with a therapist. He's awesome he's the first person I ever was able to explain what was going on with me too and not have them act like they had no clue what I was talking about.
Sounds familiar. I'm 27 and barely remember anything from my childhood or school days. Everyone else remembers names, events, faces, feelings, while I make false memories based on what they say. I've found my diary recently and I refuse to believe that it was me writing that and living through it. It's completely unfamiliar and I feel sad, as if another life and personality escaped my head and was unavailable forever
I relate to you so much..I have the same experiences..I feel like so much of my childhood c ptsd also made it so that i further allowed trauma and abuse in my life to the extent I completely had a mental break. I feel like I have lost years of my life..I don't know who I am anymore..the vague memory of who I was. The out of body experiences of watching myself hide n cower n lay still..unable to comprehend. The black outs I am too scared to remember. The paranoia. The co-dependancy I formed with my abuser. The abusive eating n starving myself. Lost my creative and ambitious self...I am still unsure of who I am n what I want in life. N only recently realising DID, because of Ian. My mind hurts every time I talk about any of this..n I keep shutting down n crying. M scared. N I feel so trapped. I wish I could be who I was before I broke.
What about emotional dissociation? Not feeling emotions, or feeling emotion dull, muted, or not being able to connect the emotions to events that caused them? Without losing any memories: is that a dissociation or something else?
When one does not feel emotions due to stress/trauma, that means one has broken the ceiling on the emotion spectrum. You've gone over the '10' mark. This could be considered depersonalization, which is a form of dissociation. Watch the video again and concentrate on the part about depersonalization.
I have been dissociating more or less for as long as I can remember. In fact the first thing I remember thinking was "what would my life be like if..." at 6 yo. Thinking of it as a spectrum makes a lot of sense, thank you for yet another piece of the puzzle on my way to healing❤
I have mental health problems and I do a lot of research into psychology, and i thought I had heard of ever disorder or what have you out there, then my son had a dissociative episode, so now I have been learning more about it. He had to move out of his grandmother's home and into a new house that is practically unlivable. He was so shocked by the conditions there that he became overwhelmed and had to go to the ER. He was diagnosed with personalization and derealization. He was put on some kind medicine that helps but he still needs to get out of there. It's a long story. But now I realized that I saw him "space out" once when I went to visit him at school. He just couldn't handle school and sadly , even though he's considered gifted and talented, he dropped out of school around 7th grade. He is now 21 yrs old, he doesn't want to live with me due to my mental illness but he's now sick like me, very depressed and anxious. I want to help him but he has become hard to communicate with. will only talk via text, will only call once in a great while. I also wonder is dissociation is a precursor to something more serious like schizophrenia?
I find Kati's work interesting and often very helpful. When focused on specific issues like this she is positively illuminating. She conveys ideas so clearly and really establishes rapport with her audience through this medium. A natural communicator who maintains a focus on the practicalities of therapy and its importance. This video was especially hrlpful in giving me the words to describe a condition I had experienced a while back after a difficult bereavement, and a great deal to consider. Just one little caveat though. I really don't like the cutaways to models in these showroom-like surroundings, though. They tend to break my concentration on what is being said, and I really cannot identify with these perfect looking people. Is it just me? Maybe this is a visual grammar specific to US or UA-cam audiences? This style just makes it harder for me at least but I remain subscribed for Kati and thecwork she does best.
Thank you Katie for being here. I don't have enough resources to talk to a therapist but you being greatly helps for me to move little by little. I just got my certification as a Barista. I wouldn't be able to make it without your help.
The one time I truly dissociated, was right after a doctor told me my son was probably going to die. I remember briefly I lost my hearing- everything sounded as if underwater- and I just sort of...floated out of my body. I watched myself go lie down on a hospital couch. And then I remember nothing, for days. The next memory I have is about 6 days later, shortly before he actually woke up out of the coma. He's fine now, thank God. But anyway, I did notice, that I seemed to drift in and out of reality for many months after that. It wasn't as pronounced as the first time, but I no longer felt like myself. It took me a couple of years, some therapy, and a lot of mental introspection to start to feel normal again. I do worry sometimes, that it could happen again. The brain is a very strange thing.
When I was about 9, i was in the living room watching TV. Then at commercial, i realized my mom was on the left side of the room. The only door into the room was on the right. I legitimately asked HOW and WHEN she got over there, because i never saw her walk in front of me. I was intently watching the show and didn't notice my physical surroundings. (Now, since then, I've seen other children not pay attention to people in the same room, even saying their name. But as a child who went through it and remembered it, i am still flabbergasted at my own dissociation from the real world that day. Over 40yrs who. I can still feel the shock and surprise of seeing my mom in a location that my own eyes should have seen.)
for me my dissociation started last year when my brother died. i don’t remember most of my junior year because of it. i look a lot of pictures at the time, so i remember small moments but that’s it :/. luckily i’ve gotten better but i had a really bad episode yesterday on his birthday, the worst it’s been since this summer, so it’s nice to know other people go through this too
I’m sorry about your brother.. it makes sense that you struggled on your brother’s birthday. It’s okay if you’re still not with it. Grief is painful. Take your time
I have DID. Was diagnosed with it 2 years ago and I've had it since I was around 6 years old. Its not easy but I've heard it described as the highest level of CPTSD and survival mode. Great video.
I have had dissociation with trauma but also an issue caused by my vision in which my brain was overwhelmed by too much visual stimuli, as soon as I touched something cold I snapped back into by body. I just wanted to share that can also happen.
Ok so I have been having maladaptive dissociation since before it had a name. I’m pretty sure it started when my mom died when I was young. But it’s been my go to method for coping. I actually look forward to it. Also, happens more frequently when I’m in a bad depressive episode. It even helps me to fall asleep at night. Interestingly, I often wake up like I was yanked from a deep dream and I am incredibly foggy and slow to fully awaken. It has caused me to constantly be late for work. Great way to explain it, good job and thank you.
This started happening to me when I turned 18. The first time lasted for months. Luckily it happens way less now and when it does happen it's usually a really short time. When it first happened I thought I was losing my mind. But I spent my entire childhood maladaptive daydreaming 😅
Kati: Please add more extensive commentary for those on the more extreme end of the dissociative spectrum, those whose dissociation has moved past the point of maladaptive daydreaming. At what point does dissociation cross the line between so-called 'normal dissociation' and truly maladaptive dissociation indicative of a true psych disorder? Please juxtapose normal dissociative amnesia (e.g., due to spacing out while driving) against pathological dissociative amnesia (e.g., one who 'loses,' say, five days at a time, or even months/years at a time). Thank you.
I know Ive been dissociating at least since first grade. I dont remember most of my childhood or even young adult. Found drawing to be something that kept me on earth.
Yes, a literal fog. People mention brain fog all the time (which I can also relate to) but I experience an actual fog/haze. My vision is normally excellent, but when I start to stress/dissociate I just can't see properly
Thank you, thank you. I struggle with dissociation due to childhood trauma. This video helped me discover something that I need to work on dealing with from my past. ❤
I live with both BPD and migraine disorder. Both can cause disassociation. I have big chunks of childhood that I really can’t remember. I know I was severely bullied in school and not only by my fellow classmates but by several teachers as well. I do maladaptive daydream, as my inner world is much better than the life I actually live. But by developing migraine disorder my mind has gone back to some form of dissociation because the physical pain is overwhelming as is the depression and anxiety that I deal with because of said pain. Most times I can’t tell if it’s because of the pain and stress that migraine disorder causes or my BPD. I don’t lose time/ memory from it, I just feel spacey/numb/floating feelings.
The noble mirage: Enlightenment... To end all suffering! I get to bypass all emotional pain and trauma… Until... My body or my mind remind me they are there! I then feel like a failure-I need to seek more, try harder or even: “I am already enlightened I just have to be it.” More trips around the transcendence mountain. The only way off the trail is inside out. I must face my pain, look at my repressed emotions, and rediscover my authentic self...
I saw someone in the comments say that their dreams are too real. So I felt like sharing my experience too. I remember all of my dreams since I was 4yrs old, I also remember many things and specific details about my childhood (like memories from when I was 2 and etc) but I can't recall about *things*. I always forget where I put my keys, I lost like a dozen rings on my work, I keep stumbling onto things, just in general I'm pretty goofy (don't trust me with glass cups or stuff like that). And the real thing is that, some days I don't know whether I'm dreaming, no not some days I don't know at all! Everything feels so pointless... This life only feels a little bit more real because I recall more stories from it and because my emotional connection with people feel deeper... Yet, I can't seem to forget the many lives I've experienced so far,; a few days ago I went on a crisis because of my son, and I'm a virgin 18 year old. At least I'm good at surviving...idk
This happened to me after the birth of my first son. Suffering from post partum depression i can not clearly remember the first 6 months of his life. It truly scared me because i had no idea so thank you for this.
Same here, we had moved to another city when my son was only 4 months old from a townhouse to a house and I have memories of coming home from the hospital to the house. I have barely any memories of my Son ever being in the townhouse it was like it never existed.
First grade for me is a black hole of memory. I remember nothing from that school year. I've always wondered if something traumatic happened to cause my mind to wipe it out.
I too struggle with memory loss, I don't remember nothing from my 18 years and prior!! I do think I space out a lot but makes so hard to know why all this happens when I don't record anything from it lol!!
My life between the ages 6-12, I don’t remember at all. It’s just gone. Anything before 6 feels like someone else’s life. I don’t remember that kid being me. If someone asks, my life began after 12. That’s when it feels like I was born.
SO clear and helpful, thank you! I particularly love the ‘woop’ sound, it makes the whole thing a lot less dramatic, approachable and easier to relate to, with less judgement.
School has been a problem for me I had social anxiety disorder, autism, where I pretend to pay attention in class, standing on the back of the classroom, looking at the floor, hiding face with hair, I had failing grades and certain people at school would avoid being near me and I had crush on boys that I was attracted to but they ignored me and avoided me cause I never talked to them. I got suspended for three days after I girl lied to the teacher that I hit her and she was kicking my legs from under the table. My parents want me to move out by the age of 18 but I have no friends or relationship to move out with. My mom resorted to foster care cause of my failing grades. I was dangerously abused by my abusive parents that would call police on me and stab my arm and use their fists to beat me up if I smash a vase, break a mirror in the bathroom or hear a scream from me.
I hope you can get Compassionate care for your PTSD. Also D B.T.theapy can help and it's offered online in local communities w mood disorders,mental health places,and online here. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. Sucks having abusive parent that scapegoat you. I know.
I don't remember a lot of my childhood either and what I do remember was a lie a facade. What I've since remembered is worse, I can see why I disassociated for so long. All my memories are coming back slowly as I heal.
I have a ridiculous amount of trauma especially from childhood and my young adulthood There are literally years I don’t remember much from. It gets weird tho when I try to talk about movies from that time and I’ve watched them but don’t remember them. I’ve been recovering from escaping my mom’s abuse for a few years and honestly.. my brain just wants to be in a fog and use the internet as a means to escape reality. I’m finally beginning to come out of it.
I have been realizing for the past 3 days that I have been in dissociation in probably 70-80% of my life. It's a very scary realization. I started noticing it when I was driving the other day with a friend next to me and once again, I started telling her about one of my trauma stories and when I was done, I realized for half a second that I had no idea where I was or who I was with. And since then, I started seeing the thousands of time this had happened and Oh my God, I am just mortified, I feel awful. I found out at 32 that I was HSP and a highly gifted adult, so I have been living under the assumption that my difficulties to interact with others was due to that. But ever since I found out that it was mostly my trauma, Jesus, I feel like ripping out my insides because I can't imagine what people on the receiving end of my one way interactions have felt or thought of me. And yesterday, I actually found out there is a unit that specializes in ptsd in a hospital just an hour away. I called and had a chat with the nurse who said I definitely qualify and just needed a letter from my gp or from a therapist I've seen. God, finally, some tangible hope 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Thank you. But I'm still tired of living with the consequences, mostly self destructive behaviors and the rejection of other because of my deregulation. Imagine sitting in front of someone you're hanging out with for the first time and they start telling you horror stories from their past and talk straight for one hour? I don't blame them. BUT the big difference since the incident I described in my previous message is that now I don't blame myself either, because I finally know that that's not who I am but a symptom of ptsd. I got the letter from my gp and the ptsd unit told me I'd be seen for a first appointment in the next two weeks 🤗 I'm glad to be living in a country where this exists and is totally paid for by free health care and sympathize greatly with those who don't 🙏🏼 Have a lovely day
My partner disassociates constantly and I love the way u say he likes to argue with a partner to disassociate. He gets violent and rages if you try to get him to tune in. He doesn't face reality well. He disassociate from the truth of every situation.that re normal everyday challenges traffic,dealing with his phone .answering anyone's questions directly.
Thank you so much for talking about this. About a year ago I finally realized what was happening to me, thanks to your videos and podcast. It was really difficult and draining to find the words to talk about how I was feeling.
I tend to under react to trauma. When I get bad news I show no emotion. Is this a form of dissociation? I was on vacation with friends when they found out their son died by suicide back home. I froze, mentally and physically. No emotion and could not move to go hug them for what seemed like 5 minutes…we were thousands of miles from home and I had to kick into survival mode to find us a flight home asap. That was part of the trauma.
Freezing is a natural response to such events. It is not dissociation per se. When one does not experience emotion, generally that means one is over the top of the emotion chart - over a '10' with painful emotion.
I dissociated through most of my childhood because of the things I went through and it feels I learned such a complex autopilot response that I can do just about anything while not present in the moment whatsoever if I have the energy. Acting on impulse has been what I’ve done for damn near my entire life and a lot of times it feels hard to stay in my body and process what I feel, but I’m working on it. I don’t want to run away anymore.
omg, I WISH I could have had this adaptation. I'm so in my head and fully aware/ conscious of EVERY bad thing that happens to me it's awful. It's a big reason why I avoid everything now and just hide in my house 24/7. My brain barely shuts off enough for me to sleep, much less in traumatic situations. My mind just forces me to sit there in the totality of what is happening it feels like my whole being is about to snap. I always have to find a way to flee or attack whatever is causing it. A lot of the time I can't so I just attack myself instead... >n< Everything's always my fault and I'm always the bad one so.. I just stay away from _everything..._
Hi,much love & compassion. Have you ever tried DBT therapy? It's on UA-cam here as well if you cannot find it at local mental health,or mood disorders places. I ended up Agoraphobic during pandemic,and am now housebound,tho I am in therapy and take classes n workshops and follow spiritual mentors n communities online. It'd from unprocessed grief & loss & trauma for ne as well as addictiin issues which also are a symptom of the PTSD. Blessings that you can heal.▪︎☆▪︎
Thank you very much! At the end of my MA program and the beginning of my promotion associated with my degree, coupled with training, and a mega acceleration of responsibilities and everyday life pressures pushed me into a bizarre blur with reality for about two months. I feel fortunate that I work adjacent to the mental health field. The director of the company I work for as well as my immediate supervisor (are MFT) assisted in turning down the volume. When I think back about that time it is fuzzy, definitely an acceleration in self awareness, I still don't comprehend what happened! My family have strong NPD traits... very uncomfortable to think the outcome could have been much different!
My "root chakra" affirmations for dissociation: I accept what I sense as the reality in which I am a part. My body is physically real and I am alive within in it: I am my body; I am alive. I am resilient. I have a legitimate claim to the space my body occupies. I have agency over my body, over my life. I care for my body, for myself. I am not alone in the world. I value mutuality in relationships. I feel my connection to earth through: ... *Resistance exercises, animal friends, sand/clay, beets*
watching this video and getting really emotional 🥺. I am very much all better now but I was at the end of the spectrum my whole childhood, teenage years and that sort of thing effects a lot about a who you become and what you've acomplished. I just wanna hug my teenage self because she was struggling inside the fog. Really thankfull for my step father who pulled me out of the fog
What if you just sorta shut down, but are totally aware of what you are doing, where you're at, etc, but just can't process anything becasue your brain is just "too full." Is that that a form of dissociation? As a person with a learning disability (and later major depression and PTSD), there have been so many times that I have gotten stressed out to where my brain just can't function, and I have to back off, knowing that I'm not taking anything in. Then, once that settles down, then I can refocus.
I have recently had this diagnosis. I'm 48 and have felt this way my whole life. My long-term memories are none existent. I've never questioned it as I always felt this way. Now I feel damaged and beyond repair.
That’s a good thing, finally getting a diagnosis. It’s the start of healing. Just knowing what’s going on is progress. Continue educating yourself, and work with a trauma therapist who understands this nightmarish disorder. Not an easy road but you’re on it now. Good luck to you, and stick with it.
I've been experiencing an unusual, (sub-clinical) form of disassociation that seems to have been caused by Jan. 6 and the covid pandemic--it often seems to me that we have all been transferred into a parallel universe!
I had a traumatic birth 5 months ago. Since then my brain fog has been so bad, I’m always spacing out constantly almost everyday. It’s really affecting my relationship with my husband because I never remember anything and it makes him annoyed at me. I’m trying to work with a therapist but it’s really not helping.
Give yourself some time. Researchers have shown that even with non-traumatic grief (e.g., ninety year old spouse dies quietly in their sleep after a full, happy life), the grieving spouse needs to tell the 'story' a minimum of thirty times to process the grief. How much more time is needed after a traumatic loss! Stay in therapy, give yourself some time. Relief is on the way. You will be OK.
I hear a lot about DID and spacing out and daydreaming and these feel like the two very ends of the spectrum. DID is "interesting" and spacing out is relatable. I rarely hear about experiences of people with actual dpdr. When we say "I don't feel connected to my body" people take that rhetorically like oh you must feel uncomfortable or spaced out. No. It's literal. It's the most horrifying experience, when it feels like someone else is moving your body and you're not in control. Like your body could do something horrendous any second and you'd have no way to stop it. When the face in the mirror is a complete stranger's. When a stranger's voice speaks what you wanted to say. When people call you by a name that isn't yours. Like you've swapped lives with some stranger. When every moment feels exactly like a dream but you can't wake up. And then the intrusive thoughts... Not the ones from tiktok but the excruciating repeating thoughts. And all throughout you KNOW that it's in your head, so you're not psychotic. But that doesn't help and people won't take you seriously because they think you're being metaphorical. It's not the same thing as making coffee on autopilot on a groggy morning. It was the most horrifying period of my life.
What you described sounds like depersonalization and derealization. DID encompasses all four of the dissociative disorders: depersonalization, derealization, dissociative amnesia, and fugue. If you lose time (i.e., experience dissociative amnesia) and periodically find yourself in strange places - in addition to the symptoms you mentioned - you may have DID.
My threshold for dissociation is extremely low. Hard to concentrate, dizziness, numbness, wobbly feeling, a disconnect. It feels like I’m under the intense high of a drug and can’t quite control my actions. Everything feels dreamlike. It happens to me daily multiple times per day, sometimes lasting hours, and I can’t relate a past event though with it or a trauma. It usually is just a bad thought that pops in my head for literally a second, like “what if I collapse right now?”. I am able to talk myself out of the thought within seconds because of CBT and have almost no anxiety to the initial thought, but the dissociation affects remain and stack upon themselves later possibly causing more panic and anxiety itself rather than the panic and anxiety stemming from the initial thought. I have tried EMDR but we can’t recognize a trauma. Is it possible I have an embedded trauma deep within myself triggering these random morbid fleeting thoughts and dissociation? If so how do I find or recognize it? This all randomly started 5 years ago and never stopped, it has made my life a living hell. I’ve tried everything, even different SSRI’s and benzos. Some things help a little but the actual instantaneous dissociation itself never goes away unless laying down and meditating for an hour, or sleeping. Deeply uncomfortable all the time. Any help or advice is appreciated and thank you so much for the video.
I have a history of dissociation., but I have two scary things happen to me and Im not sure what it is. One time I went to the food store and when I got back to the car I had completely forgotten how to start my car. I just sat there and had to call my husband. The other time I was outside my house with the keys in my hand. I looked at them for a long time and my head said to me those are all wrong ones. Had to call my husband again... What is that? Is it dissociation?
I feel like the world isn't real all the time. I thought this was normal. I don't remember anything before I graduated high school... I had a traumatic childhood (mentally, not physically). I served in the military, and now I can't deal with basically ANY aggression. Working in customer service, I'd be fine after it happened for a while, until I got a break, and then came the mental breakdown. I had days where I couldn't even eat on my lunch break because I'd sob the entire time. Now, the VA has me on service-connected disability, because I just can't deal with life, and the human race outside my door. Know, in your heart, that it doesn't matter how good of a person you are. I'm terrified of ever meeting you.
Is there a way to retrieve memories of dissociative events? Not the childhood ones, I'd rather not. The adult ones. Like, how did I get to this place and why did I buy these things?
I never knew I’d done this most of my life.. until my late 30’s when visiting with my sister and mom and I remember them “snapping” me back from a “space out” they were freaked out by it.. I am sometimes thankful that my brain does this. It knows what I can and cannot handle.
I have autism and I daydream / dissociate a LOT and sometimes when I get overwhelmed I go silent because there are so many thoughts rushing through my head that I can't formulate any sort of sentences or understand what people are saying. 2020 especially changed my life... I used to be super social but after the pandemic it's like I just completely forgot how to socialize and be normal. And the reason why I dissociate is because I don't know how to handle situations or emotions or anything really.
I’m not sure my experience really matches this, but this is a description: “I get these strange feelings where all of a sudden I feel like I’m possessed and like I’ll lose control/I’m not in complete control. I don’t feel like a robot, I can still move myself around I just feel cut off. Time also feels slow but I feel like I’m moving really fast, and often the outside world looks fake. This has happened for about 6 years, about once every two months give or take. I also notice that my thoughts sound like they’re yelling when it happens. It only lasts for a few minutes.” It’s a very very distinct feeling that’s hard to describe and it feels horrible, but I don’t ever lose memory of it. What could it be?
Yes. People who dissociate frequently as a child - especially prior to age 8 or so - often use dissociation as a coping mechanism throughout their lives.
learning about dissociation changed my life and path toward healing ive also used maladaptive daydreaming to discover things that are important to me and the ways that I am outside of societal pressures.
I’ve always disassociated and I never realized how abnormal it was until I found out other people don’t have entire separate worlds in their minds and don’t have periods where they feel like the world around them isn’t real.
Sometimes, I have dreams that feel more vivid than the “real” world and I have to spend a few days trying to determine if I’m awake or asleep.
Me too! I’ve always done this, I didn’t know it was abnormal.
I have ADD, and it is often hard not to tune out of things that don't interest me. That must be a state of disassociation, but that's sometimes where I get my best thinking done. Because I can immerse myself in thought. I haven't found a way to not do it, and I have read I likely never will.
I (we) have D.I.D from all the trauma. Our system has hundreds of alters. I can interact with alters in dreams, I'm the main front alter, it took a long time to realize I was part of the system too.
Alters@@annemurphy8074?
Me too. I had a marijuana overdose in August of 2021 and every day since then I feel like i’m dreaming 24/7. I had to drop out of college and i’ve been unemployed for a year because it effects me so much I can’t function properly but it’s not a valid/reasonable enough excuse for people when I can’t go to work or class
My mother doesn't remember my childhood. I can't talk to her about my father's abusive behavior because I'm pretty sure she disassociated through my entire childhood.
Honestly this is super relatable.
I feel like mine has dissociated since her own childhood
I feel like it's bs, a cop out that some parents make up. I don't think it's very common to dissociate to the extent of not remember anything at all.
@@phishcatti almost don’t remember my childhood until maybe 6-7 and then only some short memories…
She allowed it. It made her life easier. You were a pawn.
I have maladaptive daydreaming. It started in my childhood which was...um...stressful...and I still do it all the time.
Me too. Checking out to go somewhere better can be comforting.
Same I remember it used to be worse when I was 13 though because I’d just pace around imaging it
Now I try and escape somewhere alone to think about it I usually just go to bed I don’t think it gets in the way of me living though and I’m embarrassed about it so idk if I need fix it or
Maladaptive daydreaming saved me from the effects of major trauma as a child. It returns as a coping strategy as an adult during times of high stress. It helps and doesn’t hurt anyone so I’m not sure it is maladaptive…..?
Same
I had maladaptive daydreaming until I was 28. Then my reality changed and I realized our imaginations might not be ours when my daydreams were cut off. Like I could not longer daydream. And then everything was replaced with terrifying things when it wasn't there at all. Part of me thinks it was a training sessions to make certain synapses in our brains stronger (also so we wouldn't spend as much time around people and pretty much anything else that resulted from the daydreaming)
I’ve been saying for the past three years that I pretty much live in a semi disassociative state 24/7. If something stressful happens, I’ll feel even further outside of my body, but generally I feel very numb most of the time. I haven’t felt like myself in a really long time, and I feel like I don’t even know who that is.
The Pandemic shutdown n Covid brought a Lot of this on.
You put it into words. This is how I’ve felt for about 15 years. I don’t even know if it’s possible to feel real again. About once a year my brain slips up and I feel real for about five seconds and it’s so overwhelming that I get yanked back into dissociation.
You beautiful human....🫂🫂🫂🫂
❤
Same, for over 7 years. I’m on low dose naltrexone with the hope to fix it but no such luck yet. Maybe more time required. I think feeling real again would be scary overwhelming.
This! When she said "days, weeks, months" I went "how about years??" I'm sorry that you guys also experience this, but it feels good knowing I'm not alone. I've felt like I'm watching a movie of myself for the past 10 years or so and I can't even pin down what might have caused it. I also think that if someone invented a pill that would snap you out of dissociation tomorrow I would be terrified to take it.
"Our brain's gonna pull the rip cord on reality." Great quote.
And very accurate to the feeling.
Inattentive ADHD is either a lot like, or is a kind of dissociating. I have that and ptsd, and sometimes it's hard to know which is causing me to check out mentally at any given time. I think one feeds into the other.
I can relate
me too!
Yes, I got it too. RSD is also a common thing for people with ADHD, and research has shown that we generally experience trauma several times more than neurotypicals of the same age. Mainly because of the ADHD symptoms such as trouble with social interaction. So there might indeed be a connection.
Same. ADHD and cptsd.
i have combined type, and...yeah. i pretty much dissociate through social interactions w/strangers and unpleasant situations and the memory of it will feel so...dreamlike?
I am a master at maladaptive daydreaming and I never realized how much it disrupted my real life until I saw your videos. Though I am mostly aware of my surroundings, guess I implement this into my daily life quite good.
Right? I was like, oh, cool, so that's an unhealthy coping mechanism too? Fantastic.
Do you find that your MD helped prevent disassociation in any way? Or that it served as a way of processing information?
At least your inclined with your surroundings
Same. For me it's the same as a young person wearing headphones and listening to music. It's basically my auto pilot mode that I can always take control of, except if I'm doing something too boring to do manually, then I'm straight up locked out of control until I decide to do something else 😂
Yes - it’s not separate for me, either.. so I’m not annoyed if someone snaps me out of it, because I can just go back and forth 🤷🏻♀️
Sometimes when I try to bring up a situation where my mom was abusive, bringing it up tactfully without aggression or blame just talking, she’ll have no memory of it and usually says something to the effect of “I’d never do something like that!” Which is why I can’t really discuss things in my past with her. Not only was I hurt in the past, but brushed off and gaslit in the present. It hurts real bad. 😢
Is she gaslighting you, as in lying about the memory of the last? Or do you believe she has no memory?
One more reason why you can’t discuss abuse with your abuser: they’ll never acknowledge it
@@wabi_sabi52 You have a point, it’s probably not gaslighting if she doesn’t remember. I guess it just feels that way. Also the not believing me when I bring something up is disheartening.
If she doesn't validate that you went through trauma, she's gaslighting, and most likely narcissistic or has narc tendencies. Even if she blocked it out, it should be validated, not dismissed.
I have a narc mother. I'm sorry you're being and feeling dismissed. It's horrible. Mothers are meant to be the one person in the world that loves you no matter what. It's a horrible wound to heal. Sending you love ❤
thank you for sharing, I have this exact same thing. My mom is a great person, but this aspect can be hurtful ❤ sending you love
Had a series of panic attacks and went to counseling. I started to realize, I'd been having "fainting" disassociation spells all my life. Listening to this video, I realized something that maybe other people need to know. I feel there are many times where I "spaced out" but left my listening behind. It was UNSAFE to just space out completely. It's apart.. like a dream.. what is REALLY happening. But I knew what was said. I played possum. I used to feel this meant I was "faking" the event. I see now... that it was such a defensive, self preserving act.
I faint with panic attacks as well. Also suffer from dissociative episodes.
Did you literally faint? What do you mean exactly?
Looking into the freeze or shutdown part of polyvagal theory may be helpful for you!
Faint as freeze response. Traumatic stress comes out in unusual ways. Little need to reach for complex answers this instance.
Take a look at psychogenic non epileptic seizures
@@eleanqr In this case, once again, it is a trauma response. Tracking that down is hard enough without bringing in esoteric medical disorders.
I only remember small bits and pieces of my childhood. I protected myself from the severe emotional and extremely inappropriate behavior of my alcoholic father. I am one of 6 kids. 2 girls. 4 boys. My brothers are alcoholics. My sister has OCD and none of us are close in any way. My sister was also a victim of our father. My brothers attacked her verbally when she tried to tell them. Dissociation can happen at any time in your life. You are protecting yourself and don't need to know what you have forgotten. I am so happy I don't remember but also feel like I had no childhood at all. Years completely lost. ❤
All the best to you to start. Truly, the best!
Would you like a resource on sexual assault that is wildly good to have but maybe not for everyone at the time Im asking.
wishing you strength. 💙
I dated a person and everytime l put a demand on him (like what are your feeling, lets go there now, or stay over tonight) he would go silent and then say he doesn’t remember what he did…no way to have a relationship as a result. Is there a path to healing?
Thing is, some parts of you most certainly DO remember what happened. “The Body Keeps the Score”, and all that. There is safety in slowly and carefully poking at the fences in our minds, not in trying to never touch them. ❤
Dissociation feels like a wild rollercoaster, in the beginning you are just confused because you don't understand what's happening, then you figure out that it's Dissociation and you hate Dissociation for all the things it took from you, and finally after you start to get better you understand that Dissociation is not the enemy and is just your brain shielding you and you understand that it saved your life.
You go from confusion, to hate for the things it took, to appreciation for the life it gave you.
Wow as a Capricorn where pluto has returned and wiped me out since 2008, I can agree with you. Can't wait for pluto to destroy all aquarians in jan for 20 years instead of us Caps .
Wow idk if it’s because I’m high, but I found this to be quite profound. I can definitely relate.
This is an awesome way to look at it, I have often resented that I do not feel as I used to, or that I hardly remember that feeling anymore. This gives me another way to look at as though if my body had not done what it has done, I may have gone down a path of self harm or whatever else may happen in life. I hope that one day I can reach a safe enough place in life to where my brain feels safe enough to reconnect, but I am unsure if that will happen. Thank you for the thoughts tho I will try and apply it.
I was diagnosed with DID over 40 years ago during a 2 month hospitalization. (BTW, I'm so glad they changed the name of the disorder to DID). I had lots of trauma as a child and I finally hit the wall at 25 years of age. It was explained to me that it was a coping and survival mechanism. I could have conversations let's say at work with managers and then walk away and know that I had a conversation but I didn't walk away with the conversation in my mind. It was like I went on auto-pilot. No one was the wiser except me. The worst time I had with it was when I was hospitalized and one afternoon I was thinking about stuff and I said to myself, "LIsa, you've never been afraid of anything in your life." The next thing that happened was it was like a movie reel went on in my head of everything I had ever been afraid of in my life. It was quite shocking and gave me pause. It was definitely discussed in therapy. Now I'm in my late 60's and I successfully retired and I am enjoying my life, but I do go on "auto-pilot" sometimes if I am stressed about something or overly tired. I also had an instance after my hospitalization where I was talking on the phone with my sister and my sister was talking about something that happened at my grandmother's house and I didn't remember. My sister was like, "What do you mean you don't remember? You were the one who called for an ambulance." I had forgotten all about that incident until she talked about it. It was again like a movie went off in my brain. When I called my therapist (I was out of therapy by this time) and told him what had happened, we talked about it and I asked him "what the hell else am I going to remember?" He just told me that it's important that I don't remember it all at once because that would not be good. But the hope is that I remember things slowly, some maybe never, and then I will eventually integrate myself. It's good that the brain has coping mechanisms, but it can be a bitch to untangle the ball of yarn.
Why are you glad they renamed it DID. It's like now they are saying the other people are not real. You are just making them up.
I can’t remember huge chunks if my childhood. It’s as if it didn’t happen. I was in foster care, adopted to abusive parents and, thank God, put back into foster care. I didn’t get the help I needed for years and I’m 62 and finally for the last year been present in my own life. If you’ve gone through something PLEASE get the help you need. You are worth it!
be careful, I have otherwise great long term memory. I conjured up decade's old memories that were very traumatic and it gave me a flashback, it was very upsetting, I used my grounding techniques to tell myself that I am now safe, and nobody is going to do that me again.
@ with the right therapy you can be whole again, but whole doesn’t necessarily mean remembering everything. Most therapists now agree that you don’t need to, or want to, drudge up those decades old memories. Dealing with what you remember, without digging up new memories is enough. I sure hope your grounding techniques continue to work and you can move on! ♥️
I do maladaptive daydreaming when I'm alone. I always did that when I was a child to not 'annoy' my parents.
Same. Still do it to this day and it’s taking over my life. It’s all I want to do
I feel this is common amongst people who were emotionally neglected as kids. To create world's where we felt we were actually important enough. I did this too, still do at 43
@@RebeccaLee_81 does it get better though? Or have you found ways to control it?
@@clury9477 yes and no, depends. I also have inattentive ADHD so boredom is a trigger for me as well. I've had to get very firm with myself at times when I realise I'm doing it and tell myself "not now" and have to physically touch my surroundings to ground myself. Sometimes it works, sometimes not
@@RebeccaLee_81 same here. Thank you for your answer hope you have a great day :)
Mine went on so long after traumatic grief, loss of my partner, that I, how can I put it, "came to" in an apartment I had somehow rented on my own with no recollection of getting the lease. This happened while frying up breakfast food and voices in my head told me to wake up. They told me what was going on and I booked my therapist ASAP. Apparently I'd already been seeing her for 6 months. I've come such a long way in the past 5 years, the voices are gone and I'm a nursing student with a mortgage. It can get better. Still feel so sad for the woman I used to be and have no idea of the journey she went through til that point or exactly how long it went on for, but I'm forever grateful she held on and got through it. We are now one again ❤
I think it's important to emphasise that dissociation in itself is not dangerous, and that just because you've had a dissociative fugue it doesn't mean that you will develop dissociative identity disorder further down the line. It's unpleasant and can be frightening, but in itself isn't dangerous or a symptom of something worse. There are ways to manage it if you dissociate frequently, and it doesn't mean that you're weak or broken ❤
Most of the time when you develop DID it’s because of something that happened when you were young. When you’re young you have even less coping skills the average big person has and so the only thing your brain can think to do is to separate the memory so completely that it builds another personality to carry it. It builds someone who can carry that trauma.
I think it is possible to develop DID later in life but if it is, it’s very rare.
dissociation made me walk into oncoming traffic more than once so.... maybe you could word that a little better
Thru therapy, learning to cope, DBT helps and it happens less. I remember losing times, hours. Now, it’s more of a blip. Sometimes I think it is gone, then find out, I’m still doing it sometimes. they tend to be more blips verses long “missing time.” Hang in there. I promise it will get better. I try to keep my life out of any drama/stress. Your mind will relax and get better. I know someone who had DID, the other side of the spectrum. She has her moments, but NOTHING like it was. The mind is amazing. It takes an intolerable situation and transports to another plane until it feels safe and better relaxed to cope with the present even when you don’t remember. Try not to beat yourself up when you honestly can’t remember.
The examples you gave for dissociating “besides from trauma” are absolutely traumatic, just to a lesser extent than fearing for your life
Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.
Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes, dr.sporesss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.
I wish they were readily available in my place.
Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac.
He's constantly talking about killing someone.
He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.
Is he on instagram?
Yes he is. dr.sporesss
See, I have “maladaptive daydreaming” constantly by the descriptions in your video… but I have never, ever felt like I was actually not in my body, or not in my environment. More like layering over it and ignoring inputs from other people. But I have always been solidly aware of the environment and what is happening around me at the same time as I am daydreaming. I can’t block it out, I am in my body, in this reality, just also having fantastical conversations happening in my head where I am envisioning other people who do care about me and will talk through the situation on the outside with me.
It's crazy what a guy has to do to get some basic human necessities met huh
I do that exact thing as well. I’ve never heard of anyone else doing it like that.
I do both, and I never block out my surroundings completely, just aren't focusing on them
Wow, that's me, I thought I was all alone in this. Thank you so much
I remember experiencing something like this during the time when I was severely burnt out from work. It felt like my life wasn't real, that I was watching myself from the outside.
Thank you Kati! I am diagnosed with DID. I love these videos explaining what causes dissociation. I would love to watch a video that explores coping mechanics and how someone can function in society with this type of mental illness. It's possible- I've done it! But it's taken years of hard work to get there.
No freaking doubt!
I hope that you have a beautiful life absolutely plastered with wonderful moments. ❤
If you can’t fight or flight, you’ll dissociate
Which is part of the freeze response.
@@suehowie152 exactly :(
This
@@suehowie152yes
Or on the other hand, you disassociate in a fight and the other person better run and even that may not save them.
I have to rewind this video 20 times because I got so stuck in my thoughts while she was describing the problems.
Saaaaaammmee! Great Comment 😅
Lollllll I literally got halfway through the video and started having a mental conversation with someone I had an argument with yesterday and the ad break in the video knocked me out of the daydream.
😂 🙋🏽♀️
Kati- Thank you for breaking it down. My mother passed away a few years ago and for almost a year I "functioned" like normal, but I couldn't remember anything significant of that whole YEAR. After lots of trama therapy, I realized basically I'd been living on level 8-9 in stress and had basically shut down.
I didn't realize there were so many levels, and that puts even more into perspective as to how I am able to manage my life day to day.
Thank you! Extremely helpful!
As well as daily life stresses or changes, I also see panic attacks as one place where a dissociation can happen. Thank you for showing a wider perspective of how and where symptoms can happen without being black and white about disorders vs experiences. I think it's important to normalise our mind and bodies reactions in life that dont necessarily lead to or mean a longterm condition is present ❤
During my adolescence, sometimes I used to become physically unable to hear my environment. I would see people's lips moving, but I would not hear a thing. It happened so often, especially in school. I don't suffer from it anymore, but I still freeze out when I am faced with a confrontation. It is so frustrating because I want to defend myself but feel unable to.
😮 this happend to me too. Wow
This right here, giiiiiirl. Not being able to defend myself from physical or emotional attacks. It did possibly keep the situation from escalating but it's like why do people get to do this to me? My overall viewpoint of it has changed a lot over the last 3 years including believing that everything is lined up to fit together in like a cosmic script but sometimes I look back and think I really should have been allowed to respond to shitty people in a way that was productive and made me feel better
I really love her demeanour or delivery (?I'm not sure how to say that) She's the kind of therapist I could totally feel comfortable speaking with.
Depression haunted my life from a very young age, and I was put on a bunch of SSRIs as a child in attempt to deal with it. None worked. Psychedelic mushrooms was brought to my attention. It was the first thing that actually had real effects. They should only be used with great care and respect. 2:50
I can't remember any traumatic even before I 'discovered' dissociation.
There's [plenty of reason to think it's possible, but I can't believe there no clues or hints around such an event, give4n how profound it'd have to have been.
As soon as I started learning arithmetic, I found that if I didn't pay any attention to my brain adding the numbers up, it got the right answer every time, even though I had no memory of anything except passively 'watching' the numbers add up in my head.
All I had to do was stop thinking (making successive decisions about what each number added to the previous one came to. I couldn't get it to work with anything but adding columns of numbers,but it shaved 2/3 of the time I needed to do those sums.
There were a couple of instances where I saw a "bird's eye view" of myself - once age 8 at the end of a near-drowning incident, and also several times while playing violent field sports at a macho boys-only private school.
Then I noticed that if I got into a really risky situation while driving, I would have no memory of hearing anything until the risk was over.
Although I'm no 8-ball genius, I had one magic night with just enough alcohol in me to 'let go' of concentrating on my shots, and let my body go through the motio9ns by itself. I won 13 successive games on a bar-room challenge table.
i could remember making the shots, but not calculating the angles and forces. I could remember seeing myself on the sports field, but nothing about taking any control over what I did.
Bottom Line:
A decade ago, I heard a psychologist talking about how sporting and creative people sometimes report that kind of positive circumstance fugue state.
Apparently, the hippocampus is involved in decision-making as well as managing memory storage and retrieval.
My hypothesis is that when some people are in situations where maximum decision-making can help, their hippocampus shuts down some or all of the memory-recording function so it can focus on decision-making.
In some traumatic situations, perhaps this is to focus on the fight/flee/freeze decision that must be made, at the expense of having no memory of making decisions, or even the entire traumatic
episode.
Obviously that's not an entire explanation of fugue and similar levels of dissociation, but it could be at least part of an explanation.
My hypothesis is that there is no free will of body or mind and that everything is lined up in this sort of cosmic script. Every action, thought perspective and emotion fits together like a puzzle. Which is why all of these supposedly strange things can happen and we are made to look for an explanation sometimes
I've had similar experiences & I was Dx'd w/ DID when I was being treated for depression @ around 30 yrs old.
I'd had 2 kids by then, a divorce, & several executive positions @ jobs for which I'd not trained. Also been Dx'd w/ Systemic Lupus, & successfully applied/been denied/appealed/& won my SocSec Disability pension @ age 25 on my own. Not many have done that.
I've never owned a car, but can drive very well, & have avoided accidents like a race driver. There's been family members as witnesses that still talk about them. I can't explain it. And still, there's things I can do to this day, like make meals w/out tasting the food, I have severe food intolerances, yet when I serve them everyone says they love the food. And I'm NOT using just salt & pepper, but spices like fennel, dill, smoked paprika, different kinds of mustard seeds, etc. I can SEE the flavors melding in my mind, & use the proportions I need to use for the amount of ingredients I'm using.
Is it the personalities I created long ago? I can't tell. I haven't met or know them well enough to understand.
And I have come to know I'll never be able to really integrate completely either. And my sons & I have come to peace w/that. We feel safe.❤
My mum had a major stroke when I was 25 became disabled, lost most of her speech and had a change in her personality. The years that followed I forgot what she sounds like and was like before the stroke - like my brain almost didn’t want to remember because it was too hard. It’s only now that she passed (2 years ago) that I have started remembering how she was 15 years ago. I’m not sure if it counts a disassociating but I’m sure it’s related.
Sounds like a trauma response. Not maybe exactly this but none the less caused by the trauma and the brain trying to protect itself.
Kati, I had derealization after the birth of my 3rd baby. I have watched LOTS of videos over the years including yours in the past. But THIS one really helped me understand better why I had the DR. I thought it must be from trauma as that is what I primarily hear. It makes more sense that my body just couldn’t handle the stress (combined with a huge hormone dump after birth) that I went into DR. It lasted for months and can reoccur but with medication and lots of tools, today I am good. Thank you. I really appreciate you. ❤
Today is a deeply dissociative day. And I find that putting on your videos on the subject helps a great deal in coming back to myself. Almost like a call into the wild, reminding me to come home. Watching this was soothing, and calming, and though I don't know that that was the purpose of it, know that your work on here helps this one girl to find her way back when the mind leaves the room. :)
I've had decades of therapy off and on, have studied psychology and have to work every day on making sure I take care of my mental health. But bad days still happen. Tomorrow will be better. And your videos are often the catalyst for that. Thank you, for putting yourself out here, and for being that little light in what feels like insurmountable darkness.
Being in a conversation with my boss, him telling me "What's wrong, you look like a deer in the headlights?" and then in a moment of pause I realise I don't know who was supposed to make me respond but I knew that Kate needed to do it so guess we'll send a message to the body to coordinate motor function for responding.
Or getting a text saying "session cancelled" sending back "Sure, see you next week", then getting dressed and leaving for the session but not knowing why or where I was going and being so AFK from my body that I couldn't emote or re-direct myself to do something different.
Or looking at my hands and thinking "Who owns those?"
Yeah, dissociating fkn sucks.
I really appreciate you making videos like this because it's been my experience that the more I learn the more I'm able to get help for myself. I can remember conversations I've had with people where I tried to explain to them how I felt like something was up with me but I couldn't explain it in a way that made any sense to somebody who doesn't experience it.
But I found out there was a word for this experience, that changed everything for me.
OMG! I'm a Dissociatiator! How have I never known this before?! I've always chalked it up to "Early Onset Alzheimers". True, this EOA began when I was in elementary school, making it an unlikely diagnosis, but it's always been my go-to explanation for the life-long, persistent memory lapses.
This unlocks many vulnerabilities I'm too nervous to share, but I want to comment anyway to say, without specifics, I relate, and I'm so frustrated with this issue controlling my life.
I realized deep in my 20’s that the “superpower” I had developed-retreating into my head-as a result of severe, severe adverse circumstances in childhood…it caused me to miss out on most of my own life. I can only recall slivers. I know I was there but the memories weren’t encoded where they otherwise would be. It’s a very jarring experience to find yourself in that position. This is doubly true when you are attempting to “come back”, so to speak; to be present from this point forward.
I’ve heard this best described in John Steinbeck’s East of Eden, in which we read that the protagonist begins seeing the world “as through the bottom of a well”. We’re told that this distance “did not protect him from assault but it allowed him an immunity.”
Once the dissociation becomes more than a retreat, but rather a comfort and a refuge, it can feel startling to actively reengage with the world around us.
i experienced this a lot through my life. no childhood memories, a few about teen life. then i found better enviroment and got out of my trauma situation, but i needed to work too much for it, so, again - faced dissotiation, this time because of being overworked and having very little time to sleep/eat. after that got a stable home, found a good partner - but got so scared of good things in my life that got into a fog for a year - just to adapt. now i am quite okay. good life, good partner, friends, i even have a future - but i feel like a tree with no roots. i have very few memories compared to other people i know. and i've been through a lot. i know facts about my biography - and this is quite a story. but i will never feel it, and it is sad. i did it all by myself, i am proud, but it's just feel like it's not mine and i cant remember. i dont feel bad because of it. i am just a very "now" person, because i have no past. it is just sad sometimes
Clients have mentioned dissociation happening while having anxiety.
My therapist explained this to me yesterday and it made so much sense. Because although I don't feel anxious, something in my body does to make me dissociate.
we really do appreciate you putting dissociation into the context of a spectrum. hopefully it can help further destigmatize dissociation as a whole
I had this happen to me. My dad held a knife to my mums throat ,I threw a vase as him and my mum lashed out at me because it was a wedding present I broke, she slapped my face and scarred my check with her nails,accidently in a rage or fright, the next thing I know my nan's hugging me ,telling me it's OK and to just stay away and ignore them and lock my self in my room in the future. My whole bedroom was chucked around ,posters pulled from walls ans stuff thrown everywhere,my nan said I did it and to this day 40 years on I have no recollections of doing it
It is so so important to understand that DID stems from childhood trauma only. Other types of dissociation can occur after a traumatic event in adulthood. The reason i stress this is because people faking this disorder has made mental Healthcare professionals disregard, ignore, or disbelieve those who truly need help. Thank you for listening.
Like watching your friend get run over by a car within a few feet away at age 7? By watching your 2 year old sister fall out of a moving car then rolling down a hill to oncoming cars? Being trapped in a field of fire 5' sawgrass as the crackling surrounds you then running for your life age 7? Watching your mother potentially lose her mind on a daily basis for no reason 5-18? - Thank God we all made it out of all that unscathed.
It amazes me that many psych professionals do not "believe in DID." New patient #1: "I hear voices and see flying blue dogs. They have wings and talk to me. They bark their messages but I understand their language. Oh, and did I tell you that I work for a Secret Government Agency? We are investigating the Dog Planet. That's why the dogs visit me." Professional believes patient and diagnoses him with schizophrenia. New patient #2: "I often cannot remember where I have been or what I have been doing for days at a time. Last week, I woke up in a hotel and did not know where I was or how I got there. I found strange clothing in my closet that I did not buy, yet my credit card statement proves that I did buy them. Strangers come up to me, seem to know who I am, but address me by a name that is not my own. People tell me I have done things that I do not remember doing." Professional disbelieves patient, and notes in her file that patient fabricates fantastic stories and stands by them. She must truly be Borderline because, you know, DID is "not a thing." Patient is diagnosed with BPD. Go figure.
Agreed. It's repetitive trauma before age 9.
I'd like to argue here, that regardless of whether someone is faking DID, the people who do this also "truly need help". If you are faking a disorder, there is something going on inside that requires serious help and treatment
@@taylormichellecoffey3978Why stop at 9 lmfao
Dissociation is been a big problem for me and apparently my entire life because I have a memory of being in middle school and I sat down next to the wall in the gym and the next thing I knew I was in some office with a bunch of adults and I had no idea what was going on. I also have big black holes in my memory especially a childhood but it has continued into my adult life too. And it's really weird because I have almost a photographic memory, so those gaps in my memory are really, really obvious to me. It's been something I've been trying to work through and have found it pretty difficult.
I hope you can find some relief, as that sounds very challenging ❤
Hi Heather: This is something to explore with a therapist. Once you feel safe and supported in therapy, you can feel safe enough to begin to make sense of those episodes. But do work with a true trauma therapist.
@@benuchytil7003 don't worry I am working with a therapist. He's awesome he's the first person I ever was able to explain what was going on with me too and not have them act like they had no clue what I was talking about.
Sounds familiar. I'm 27 and barely remember anything from my childhood or school days. Everyone else remembers names, events, faces, feelings, while I make false memories based on what they say. I've found my diary recently and I refuse to believe that it was me writing that and living through it. It's completely unfamiliar and I feel sad, as if another life and personality escaped my head and was unavailable forever
I relate to you so much..I have the same experiences..I feel like so much of my childhood c ptsd also made it so that i further allowed trauma and abuse in my life to the extent I completely had a mental break. I feel like I have lost years of my life..I don't know who I am anymore..the vague memory of who I was. The out of body experiences of watching myself hide n cower n lay still..unable to comprehend. The black outs I am too scared to remember. The paranoia. The co-dependancy I formed with my abuser. The abusive eating n starving myself. Lost my creative and ambitious self...I am still unsure of who I am n what I want in life. N only recently realising DID, because of Ian. My mind hurts every time I talk about any of this..n I keep shutting down n crying. M scared. N I feel so trapped. I wish I could be who I was before I broke.
What about emotional dissociation? Not feeling emotions, or feeling emotion dull, muted, or not being able to connect the emotions to events that caused them?
Without losing any memories: is that a dissociation or something else?
You might want to look up anhedonia & alexithymia, one or both might explain
Yes! I just asked a similar question 👍
I think it's all connected. If it's the same diagnosis, it all starts from being emotionally numb and then affects your memory later on
I think it might be all related
When one does not feel emotions due to stress/trauma, that means one has broken the ceiling on the emotion spectrum. You've gone over the '10' mark. This could be considered depersonalization, which is a form of dissociation. Watch the video again and concentrate on the part about depersonalization.
I have been dissociating more or less for as long as I can remember. In fact the first thing I remember thinking was "what would my life be like if..." at 6 yo.
Thinking of it as a spectrum makes a lot of sense, thank you for yet another piece of the puzzle on my way to healing❤
Your videos have great clarity. I turn to them to get general review of the topics while I chill out! Thank you!
I have mental health problems and I do a lot of research into psychology, and i thought I had heard of ever disorder or what have you out there, then my son had a dissociative episode, so now I have been learning more about it. He had to move out of his grandmother's home and into a new house that is practically unlivable. He was so shocked by the conditions there that he became overwhelmed and had to go to the ER. He was diagnosed with personalization and derealization. He was put on some kind medicine that helps but he still needs to get out of there. It's a long story. But now I realized that I saw him "space out" once when I went to visit him at school. He just couldn't handle school and sadly , even though he's considered gifted and talented, he dropped out of school around 7th grade. He is now 21 yrs old, he doesn't want to live with me due to my mental illness but he's now sick like me, very depressed and anxious. I want to help him but he has become hard to communicate with. will only talk via text, will only call once in a great while. I also wonder is dissociation is a precursor to something more serious like schizophrenia?
I find Kati's work interesting and often very helpful. When focused on specific issues like this she is positively illuminating. She conveys ideas so clearly and really establishes rapport with her audience through this medium. A natural communicator who maintains a focus on the practicalities of therapy and its importance.
This video was especially hrlpful in giving me the words to describe a condition I had experienced a while back after a difficult bereavement, and a great deal to consider.
Just one little caveat though. I really don't like the cutaways to models in these showroom-like surroundings, though. They tend to break my concentration on what is being said, and I really cannot identify with these perfect looking people. Is it just me? Maybe this is a visual grammar specific to US or UA-cam audiences?
This style just makes it harder for me at least but I remain subscribed for Kati and thecwork she does best.
Thank you Katie for being here. I don't have enough resources to talk to a therapist but you being greatly helps for me to move little by little.
I just got my certification as a Barista. I wouldn't be able to make it without your help.
The one time I truly dissociated, was right after a doctor told me my son was probably going to die. I remember briefly I lost my hearing- everything sounded as if underwater- and I just sort of...floated out of my body. I watched myself go lie down on a hospital couch. And then I remember nothing, for days. The next memory I have is about 6 days later, shortly before he actually woke up out of the coma. He's fine now, thank God. But anyway, I did notice, that I seemed to drift in and out of reality for many months after that. It wasn't as pronounced as the first time, but I no longer felt like myself. It took me a couple of years, some therapy, and a lot of mental introspection to start to feel normal again. I do worry sometimes, that it could happen again. The brain is a very strange thing.
When I was about 9, i was in the living room watching TV. Then at commercial, i realized my mom was on the left side of the room. The only door into the room was on the right. I legitimately asked HOW and WHEN she got over there, because i never saw her walk in front of me. I was intently watching the show and didn't notice my physical surroundings. (Now, since then, I've seen other children not pay attention to people in the same room, even saying their name. But as a child who went through it and remembered it, i am still flabbergasted at my own dissociation from the real world that day. Over 40yrs who. I can still feel the shock and surprise of seeing my mom in a location that my own eyes should have seen.)
for me my dissociation started last year when my brother died. i don’t remember most of my junior year because of it. i look a lot of pictures at the time, so i remember small moments but that’s it :/. luckily i’ve gotten better but i had a really bad episode yesterday on his birthday, the worst it’s been since this summer, so it’s nice to know other people go through this too
I’m sorry about your brother.. it makes sense that you struggled on your brother’s birthday. It’s okay if you’re still not with it. Grief is painful. Take your time
I have DID. Was diagnosed with it 2 years ago and I've had it since I was around 6 years old.
Its not easy but I've heard it described as the highest level of CPTSD and survival mode. Great video.
Hi sis ,i have social anxiety and seem to have C-PTSD with 2 subpersonalities ,can you tell me how you deal with ur disease?
I have had dissociation with trauma but also an issue caused by my vision in which my brain was overwhelmed by too much visual stimuli, as soon as I touched something cold I snapped back into by body. I just wanted to share that can also happen.
Ok so I have been having maladaptive dissociation since before it had a name. I’m pretty sure it started when my mom died when I was young. But it’s been my go to method for coping. I actually look forward to it. Also, happens more frequently when I’m in a bad depressive episode. It even helps me to fall asleep at night. Interestingly, I often wake up like I was yanked from a deep dream and I am incredibly foggy and slow to fully awaken. It has caused me to constantly be late for work. Great way to explain it, good job and thank you.
This started happening to me when I turned 18. The first time lasted for months. Luckily it happens way less now and when it does happen it's usually a really short time. When it first happened I thought I was losing my mind. But I spent my entire childhood maladaptive daydreaming 😅
thanks for sharing, super happy it's not as frequent anymore ❤
Thank you for covering this 🙏
Glad to be reminded I'm not alone when it happens.
You're definitely not ❤
Kati: Please add more extensive commentary for those on the more extreme end of the dissociative spectrum, those whose dissociation has moved past the point of maladaptive daydreaming. At what point does dissociation cross the line between so-called 'normal dissociation' and truly maladaptive dissociation indicative of a true psych disorder? Please juxtapose normal dissociative amnesia (e.g., due to spacing out while driving) against pathological dissociative amnesia (e.g., one who 'loses,' say, five days at a time, or even months/years at a time). Thank you.
I know Ive been dissociating at least since first grade. I dont remember most of my childhood or even young adult. Found drawing to be something that kept me on earth.
Yes, a literal fog.
People mention brain fog all the time (which I can also relate to) but I experience an actual fog/haze.
My vision is normally excellent, but when I start to stress/dissociate I just can't see properly
Yes, this I can relate to.
Thank you, thank you. I struggle with dissociation due to childhood trauma. This video helped me discover something that I need to work on dealing with from my past. ❤
I live with both BPD and migraine disorder. Both can cause disassociation. I have big chunks of childhood that I really can’t remember. I know I was severely bullied in school and not only by my fellow classmates but by several teachers as well. I do maladaptive daydream, as my inner world is much better than the life I actually live. But by developing migraine disorder my mind has gone back to some form of dissociation because the physical pain is overwhelming as is the depression and anxiety that I deal with because of said pain. Most times I can’t tell if it’s because of the pain and stress that migraine disorder causes or my BPD. I don’t lose time/ memory from it, I just feel spacey/numb/floating feelings.
The noble mirage:
Enlightenment...
To end all suffering!
I get to bypass all emotional pain and trauma…
Until...
My body or my mind remind me they are there!
I then feel like a failure-I need to seek more, try harder or even:
“I am already enlightened I just have to be it.”
More trips around the transcendence mountain.
The only way off the trail is inside out.
I must face my pain, look at my repressed emotions, and rediscover my authentic self...
it’s 6:45 am and i have yet to go to sleep but sure i’ll watch this video and inevitably go down a rabbit hole about this bc i suddenly need answers!
👍🏾
I also fall asleep often only in the morning. Same for you?
@@dariosergevna yup🥲i’m such a night owl haha
@@blackwidow17 do you work night shifts then?
@@dariosergevna i mean i work evenings but the latest i’m usually at work is midnight💀what about you haha
Thank you for going into detail Kati! Sometimes can be very difficult to understand and explain how complex trauma can be, even our own!
I saw someone in the comments say that their dreams are too real. So I felt like sharing my experience too. I remember all of my dreams since I was 4yrs old, I also remember many things and specific details about my childhood (like memories from when I was 2 and etc) but I can't recall about *things*. I always forget where I put my keys, I lost like a dozen rings on my work, I keep stumbling onto things, just in general I'm pretty goofy (don't trust me with glass cups or stuff like that). And the real thing is that, some days I don't know whether I'm dreaming, no not some days I don't know at all! Everything feels so pointless... This life only feels a little bit more real because I recall more stories from it and because my emotional connection with people feel deeper... Yet, I can't seem to forget the many lives I've experienced so far,; a few days ago I went on a crisis because of my son, and I'm a virgin 18 year old. At least I'm good at surviving...idk
Hi,that sounds like ADHD or ADD to me,as I have it and ptsd and have the same things happen w my mind n body.
This happened to me after the birth of my first son. Suffering from post partum depression i can not clearly remember the first 6 months of his life. It truly scared me because i had no idea so thank you for this.
Same here, we had moved to another city when my son was only 4 months old from a townhouse to a house and I have memories of coming home from the hospital to the house. I have barely any memories of my
Son ever being in the townhouse it was like it never existed.
First grade for me is a black hole of memory. I remember nothing from that school year. I've always wondered if something traumatic happened to cause my mind to wipe it out.
I too struggle with memory loss, I don't remember nothing from my 18 years and prior!! I do think I space out a lot but makes so hard to know why all this happens when I don't record anything from it lol!!
My life between the ages 6-12, I don’t remember at all. It’s just gone. Anything before 6 feels like someone else’s life. I don’t remember that kid being me. If someone asks, my life began after 12. That’s when it feels like I was born.
SO clear and helpful, thank you! I particularly love the ‘woop’ sound, it makes the whole thing a lot less dramatic, approachable and easier to relate to, with less judgement.
School has been a problem for me I had social anxiety disorder, autism, where I pretend to pay attention in class, standing on the back of the classroom, looking at the floor, hiding face with hair, I had failing grades and certain people at school would avoid being near me and I had crush on boys that I was attracted to but they ignored me and avoided me cause I never talked to them. I got suspended for three days after I girl lied to the teacher that I hit her and she was kicking my legs from under the table. My parents want me to move out by the age of 18 but I have no friends or relationship to move out with. My mom resorted to foster care cause of my failing grades. I was dangerously abused by my abusive parents that would call police on me and stab my arm and use their fists to beat me up if I smash a vase, break a mirror in the bathroom or hear a scream from me.
I hope you can get Compassionate care for your PTSD.
Also D B.T.theapy can help and it's offered online in local communities w mood disorders,mental health places,and online here.
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy.
Sucks having abusive parent that scapegoat you.
I know.
I don't remember a lot of my childhood either and what I do remember was a lie a facade. What I've since remembered is worse, I can see why I disassociated for so long. All my memories are coming back slowly as I heal.
I have a ridiculous amount of trauma especially from childhood and my young adulthood
There are literally years I don’t remember much from.
It gets weird tho when I try to talk about movies from that time and I’ve watched them but don’t remember them.
I’ve been recovering from escaping my mom’s abuse for a few years and honestly.. my brain just wants to be in a fog and use the internet as a means to escape reality.
I’m finally beginning to come out of it.
Excellent explanation… appreciate the refresher… you really know and apply complex context to easy to understand real life situations. Thank you.
I have been realizing for the past 3 days that I have been in dissociation in probably 70-80% of my life. It's a very scary realization.
I started noticing it when I was driving the other day with a friend next to me and once again, I started telling her about one of my trauma stories and when I was done, I realized for half a second that I had no idea where I was or who I was with.
And since then, I started seeing the thousands of time this had happened and Oh my God, I am just mortified, I feel awful.
I found out at 32 that I was HSP and a highly gifted adult, so I have been living under the assumption that my difficulties to interact with others was due to that.
But ever since I found out that it was mostly my trauma, Jesus, I feel like ripping out my insides because I can't imagine what people on the receiving end of my one way interactions have felt or thought of me.
And yesterday, I actually found out there is a unit that specializes in ptsd in a hospital just an hour away. I called and had a chat with the nurse who said I definitely qualify and just needed a letter from my gp or from a therapist I've seen.
God, finally, some tangible hope 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Not your fault
Thank you. But I'm still tired of living with the consequences, mostly self destructive behaviors and the rejection of other because of my deregulation. Imagine sitting in front of someone you're hanging out with for the first time and they start telling you horror stories from their past and talk straight for one hour?
I don't blame them. BUT the big difference since the incident I described in my previous message is that now I don't blame myself either, because I finally know that that's not who I am but a symptom of ptsd.
I got the letter from my gp and the ptsd unit told me I'd be seen for a first appointment in the next two weeks 🤗 I'm glad to be living in a country where this exists and is totally paid for by free health care and sympathize greatly with those who don't 🙏🏼
Have a lovely day
My partner disassociates constantly and I love the way u say he likes to argue with a partner to disassociate. He gets violent and rages if you try to get him to tune in. He doesn't face reality well. He disassociate from the truth of every situation.that re normal everyday challenges traffic,dealing with his phone .answering anyone's questions directly.
Thank you so much for talking about this. About a year ago I finally realized what was happening to me, thanks to your videos and podcast. It was really difficult and draining to find the words to talk about how I was feeling.
I tend to under react to trauma. When I get bad news I show no emotion. Is this a form of dissociation? I was on vacation with friends when they found out their son died by suicide back home. I froze, mentally and physically. No emotion and could not move to go hug them for what seemed like 5 minutes…we were thousands of miles from home and I had to kick into survival mode to find us a flight home asap. That was part of the trauma.
Freezing is a natural response to such events. It is not dissociation per se. When one does not experience emotion, generally that means one is over the top of the emotion chart - over a '10' with painful emotion.
Hello Kati, I love the way you explained all of these. It’s very clear and you make this easier to digest. Thank you! 😊
I used to feel myself disassociate from happy times. They felt so abnormal that i couldn't cope.
I dissociated through most of my childhood because of the things I went through and it feels I learned such a complex autopilot response that I can do just about anything while not present in the moment whatsoever if I have the energy. Acting on impulse has been what I’ve done for damn near my entire life and a lot of times it feels hard to stay in my body and process what I feel, but I’m working on it. I don’t want to run away anymore.
omg, I WISH I could have had this adaptation. I'm so in my head and fully aware/ conscious of EVERY bad thing that happens to me it's awful. It's a big reason why I avoid everything now and just hide in my house 24/7. My brain barely shuts off enough for me to sleep, much less in traumatic situations. My mind just forces me to sit there in the totality of what is happening it feels like my whole being is about to snap. I always have to find a way to flee or attack whatever is causing it. A lot of the time I can't so I just attack myself instead... >n<
Everything's always my fault and I'm always the bad one so.. I just stay away from _everything..._
Hi,much love & compassion.
Have you ever tried DBT therapy?
It's on UA-cam here as well if you cannot find it at local mental health,or mood disorders places.
I ended up Agoraphobic during pandemic,and am now housebound,tho I am in therapy and take classes n workshops and follow spiritual mentors n communities online.
It'd from unprocessed grief & loss & trauma for ne as well as addictiin issues which also are a symptom of the PTSD.
Blessings that you can heal.▪︎☆▪︎
Thank you very much! At the end of my MA program and the beginning of my promotion associated with my degree, coupled with training, and a mega acceleration of responsibilities and everyday life pressures pushed me into a bizarre blur with reality for about two months. I feel fortunate that I work adjacent to the mental health field. The director of the company I work for as well as my immediate supervisor (are MFT) assisted in turning down the volume. When I think back about that time it is fuzzy, definitely an acceleration in self awareness, I still don't comprehend what happened! My family have strong NPD traits... very uncomfortable to think the outcome could have been much different!
My "root chakra" affirmations for dissociation:
I accept what I sense
as the reality in which
I am a part.
My body is physically real
and I am alive within in it:
I am my body; I am alive.
I am resilient.
I have a legitimate claim
to the space my body occupies.
I have agency over my body, over my life.
I care for my body, for myself.
I am not alone in the world.
I value mutuality in relationships.
I feel my connection to earth through: ...
*Resistance exercises, animal friends, sand/clay, beets*
Prove that your body is real or anything else for that matter. I say that the reality you perceive is solely in your consciousness.
watching this video and getting really emotional 🥺. I am very much all better now but I was at the end of the spectrum my whole childhood, teenage years and that sort of thing effects a lot about a who you become and what you've acomplished. I just wanna hug my teenage self because she was struggling inside the fog. Really thankfull for my step father who pulled me out of the fog
What if you just sorta shut down, but are totally aware of what you are doing, where you're at, etc, but just can't process anything becasue your brain is just "too full." Is that that a form of dissociation? As a person with a learning disability (and later major depression and PTSD), there have been so many times that I have gotten stressed out to where my brain just can't function, and I have to back off, knowing that I'm not taking anything in. Then, once that settles down, then I can refocus.
I have recently had this diagnosis. I'm 48 and have felt this way my whole life. My long-term memories are none existent. I've never questioned it as I always felt this way. Now I feel damaged and beyond repair.
That’s a good thing, finally getting a diagnosis. It’s the start of healing. Just knowing what’s going on is progress. Continue educating yourself, and work with a trauma therapist who understands this nightmarish disorder. Not an easy road but you’re on it now. Good luck to you, and stick with it.
I've been experiencing an unusual, (sub-clinical) form of disassociation that seems to have been caused by Jan. 6 and the covid pandemic--it often seems to me that we have all been transferred into a parallel universe!
Thank you for posting this, Kati. Reading the comments on this and similar videos of yours is heartbreaking; I'd no idea this was so common.
I had a traumatic birth 5 months ago. Since then my brain fog has been so bad, I’m always spacing out constantly almost everyday. It’s really affecting my relationship with my husband because I never remember anything and it makes him annoyed at me. I’m trying to work with a therapist but it’s really not helping.
Give yourself some time. Researchers have shown that even with non-traumatic grief (e.g., ninety year old spouse dies quietly in their sleep after a full, happy life), the grieving spouse needs to tell the 'story' a minimum of thirty times to process the grief. How much more time is needed after a traumatic loss! Stay in therapy, give yourself some time. Relief is on the way. You will be OK.
Kati, you are brilliant, funny, genuine. Im fascinated with your videos. I wish you well! Linda
I hear a lot about DID and spacing out and daydreaming and these feel like the two very ends of the spectrum. DID is "interesting" and spacing out is relatable. I rarely hear about experiences of people with actual dpdr. When we say "I don't feel connected to my body" people take that rhetorically like oh you must feel uncomfortable or spaced out. No. It's literal. It's the most horrifying experience, when it feels like someone else is moving your body and you're not in control. Like your body could do something horrendous any second and you'd have no way to stop it. When the face in the mirror is a complete stranger's. When a stranger's voice speaks what you wanted to say. When people call you by a name that isn't yours. Like you've swapped lives with some stranger. When every moment feels exactly like a dream but you can't wake up. And then the intrusive thoughts... Not the ones from tiktok but the excruciating repeating thoughts. And all throughout you KNOW that it's in your head, so you're not psychotic. But that doesn't help and people won't take you seriously because they think you're being metaphorical. It's not the same thing as making coffee on autopilot on a groggy morning. It was the most horrifying period of my life.
What you described sounds like depersonalization and derealization. DID encompasses all four of the dissociative disorders: depersonalization, derealization, dissociative amnesia, and fugue. If you lose time (i.e., experience dissociative amnesia) and periodically find yourself in strange places - in addition to the symptoms you mentioned - you may have DID.
yes,that was me, it was the darkest period of my life, but I am recovering :)
My threshold for dissociation is extremely low. Hard to concentrate, dizziness, numbness, wobbly feeling, a disconnect. It feels like I’m under the intense high of a drug and can’t quite control my actions. Everything feels dreamlike. It happens to me daily multiple times per day, sometimes lasting hours, and I can’t relate a past event though with it or a trauma. It usually is just a bad thought that pops in my head for literally a second, like “what if I collapse right now?”. I am able to talk myself out of the thought within seconds because of CBT and have almost no anxiety to the initial thought, but the dissociation affects remain and stack upon themselves later possibly causing more panic and anxiety itself rather than the panic and anxiety stemming from the initial thought.
I have tried EMDR but we can’t recognize a trauma. Is it possible I have an embedded trauma deep within myself triggering these random morbid fleeting thoughts and dissociation? If so how do I find or recognize it? This all randomly started 5 years ago and never stopped, it has made my life a living hell. I’ve tried everything, even different SSRI’s and benzos. Some things help a little but the actual instantaneous dissociation itself never goes away unless laying down and meditating for an hour, or sleeping. Deeply uncomfortable all the time. Any help or advice is appreciated and thank you so much for the video.
I have a history of dissociation., but I have two scary things happen to me and Im not sure what it is. One time I went to the food store and when I got back to the car I had completely forgotten how to start my car. I just sat there and had to call my husband. The other time I was outside my house with the keys in my hand. I looked at them for a long time and my head said to me those are all wrong ones. Had to call my husband again... What is that? Is it dissociation?
I feel like the world isn't real all the time. I thought this was normal. I don't remember anything before I graduated high school... I had a traumatic childhood (mentally, not physically). I served in the military, and now I can't deal with basically ANY aggression. Working in customer service, I'd be fine after it happened for a while, until I got a break, and then came the mental breakdown. I had days where I couldn't even eat on my lunch break because I'd sob the entire time. Now, the VA has me on service-connected disability, because I just can't deal with life, and the human race outside my door. Know, in your heart, that it doesn't matter how good of a person you are. I'm terrified of ever meeting you.
Is there a way to retrieve memories of dissociative events? Not the childhood ones, I'd rather not. The adult ones. Like, how did I get to this place and why did I buy these things?
I never knew I’d done this most of my life.. until my late 30’s when visiting with my sister and mom and I remember them “snapping” me back from a “space out” they were freaked out by it.. I am sometimes thankful that my brain does this. It knows what I can and cannot handle.
I have autism and I daydream / dissociate a LOT and sometimes when I get overwhelmed I go silent because there are so many thoughts rushing through my head that I can't formulate any sort of sentences or understand what people are saying.
2020 especially changed my life... I used to be super social but after the pandemic it's like I just completely forgot how to socialize and be normal.
And the reason why I dissociate is because I don't know how to handle situations or emotions or anything really.
I’m not sure my experience really matches this, but this is a description: “I get these strange feelings where all of a sudden I feel like I’m possessed and like I’ll lose control/I’m not in complete control. I don’t feel like a robot, I can still move myself around I just feel cut off. Time also feels slow but I feel like I’m moving really fast, and often the outside world looks fake. This has happened for about 6 years, about once every two months give or take. I also notice that my thoughts sound like they’re yelling when it happens. It only lasts for a few minutes.” It’s a very very distinct feeling that’s hard to describe and it feels horrible, but I don’t ever lose memory of it. What could it be?
Can dissociation become a "go to" problem solver? I dissociate often.
Yes. People who dissociate frequently as a child - especially prior to age 8 or so - often use dissociation as a coping mechanism throughout their lives.
learning about dissociation changed my life and path toward healing
ive also used maladaptive daydreaming to discover things that are important to me and the ways that I am outside of societal pressures.
It’s weird how the brain does this as a coping mechanism, but it only works to freak me out more