WHY THE INFJ DOOR SLAM IS SO INCREDIBLY BRUTAL
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- Опубліковано 20 вер 2022
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INFJ Life Coach Lesson: There's something about the INFJ door slam that just takes your breath away. An anger so strong it can't be contained, a moment of clarity where they realize how much the other person has taken from them without giving anything back in return - at this point you know what will happen next because there is no turning back for the ones who find themselves on either side as revengeful thoughts and actions take hold over empathy.
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What is your experience with the INFJ DOOR SLAM?
Family No contact is the version I know. I don't do imbalanced relationships with peers, so it never gets to a frustrated breaking point.
I used to do it even before discovering that I'm an INFJ, and I was wondering why I'm behaving like this as it is brutal. When I knew that I'm an INFJ, I had an explanation for it. I can't helping doing this, specially when I get hurt or used..
I'd have to say when I left my ex. I did the whole try to hold onto the relationship thing, but when it became clear that I was the one constantly giving with no reciprocity... when all the things I questioned came into focus, and I was finally willing yo except the gathered evidence, I shut the door on the relationship. Now I'm able to focus on myself and my life, letting me work on my epic life.
🤔I dunno about a doorslam, but as a profiler/cognitive empath I always profile people.
When they angered and / or hurt me by purposely going over my limit even after having been warned 3x I will not be responsible for their safety.
If they they don't wanna listen, they simply have to feel my pain.
So they forced me to treat them like a child, cauz sometimes you can't reason with children cauz they simply aren't willing to be reasonable.
🧠So I psychologically attack them by using what I know about my opponent against him, like a psychological form of Aikido.
I usually reveal to them that the self-image they have of themselves simply is false, which usually stuns them on a foundational level.
And if that isn't enough I simply beat them into submission so that there can be no doubt they've lost.
😑I don't like violence and only use it when there is no other option left.
“Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent,” but sometimes it is the only option left.
And violence itself isn't good or bad, cauz it all depends on intent.
😎Which is why I only use physical violence in self-defense.
I did No Contact with two narcissists and their flying monkeys. After that I found out being an INFJ and the whole door slam thing. In my case I had already informed myself about narcissistic abuse before and that at one point only No Contact works. But I admit that I still suffer from this decision, which took me over 3 months back then.
As a INFJ, I have done the DOOR SLAM to many people, even before I knew I was an INFJ. For me, it was for my well-being and mental health. This is because I like to help people for the sake of helping. But when it comes to constantly helping the same person without them doing anything for themselves it's tiring and draining. That's when you have to door slam. This also goes for just anyone else who's in your life that doesn't bring anything meaningful to your life. I've cut many out of my life without any regrets.
When they get abusive when you're trying to help they usually get their ass kicked as the door slams. Homie doesn't play that. You get what you give.
Sounds like you don’t like helping people for the sake of helping then. Have you considered that you’re a narcissist?
Same for me. I've never felt bad for slamming the door either.
same im 13 I slammed 4 people i now never Acknowledge their Existence next to me I even say,I haven't ever known them
I’m glad you cut those out. I have done the same. It’s self-love to remove people who don’t appreciate us.
It is very painful to go through being ignored and not appreciated, especially if I am the one to go out of my way to be friendly.
Most of the time I should have slammed that door sooner and harder. Then I start going around calling myself an idiot and a chump for taking so long to slam that door. With these video classes I've had an awakening of sorts.
oh god! The part of "it took me too long" is and always is on my mind, like I can not believe how long it took me to finally do it
Oh, my goodness... I'm an INFJ who has door slammed several people in life. I can feel it coming on, too. I'm like, "Oh, no! Don't kill the trust with me cuz' I'm about to slam the door on you...!" It's REALLY hard to recover and restore... to open that door again. It's self-protection, wisdom, and the knowledge that we have other, more trustworthy people in our lives to spend time with. It's not worth it to spend time with those who've destroyed out trust.
Same here, I agree with you on this 🙏🏻
Whoa, that's so crazy you said this. You're totally right, I get this weight in my chest that it's about to happen, it could happen, and then the breaking point or threshold is crossed, and that's it. A friend mentioned to me about a rule he lives by, which is he never turns back once he's made a decision to break contact, LOL. Little did he know, I didnt have to live by that rule, that rule is who i am at very core. I wish I could say the door slam was all good, but it's not. It hurts me and it hurts others, but I'm trying to come to terms with it and how to deal with it.
I feel one coming on now, that's why I'm watching videos on it. It's so rough :( I don't know how else to behave or how to address the very real situation in a less painful way. I was abandoned as a child and suffer from it. it's so painful for me to, in essence, do it to others even if they 'deserve' it...I feel like I am irreversibly damaged and that damage just damages other people. I'm not feeling great right now.
@@jivatoo If i could go back to my last door slam, i would have definitely removed myself from contact with the individual that i was about to door slam. For me, that's the only way I can see of not door slamming. At least until I can get my head to a better place, maybe that changes my perspective. Hope you get through it. You can probably sense someone is about to cross a line, maybe try and stay away from whoever you're about to door slam. Take care of you first, even if door slams may be the right choice because an individual "deserves it", I think you will take some self-damage as well. So if you can prevent the door slam that is in essence protecting yourself from some incoming mental anguish. I'm not an expert, so just ignore if it sounds silly. Try and find a quiet place where you can really think this out, if the door slam is right for you. It's okay to be selfish here and think of your own well-being! Goodluck Em
@@jivatoo hi, I’ve been there. I highly recommend finding a therapist who’s trained in EMDR; it will help you! Good luck
What I like about being an INFJ. Is their patient and endurance. The ability to see the best in people and giving the benefit of doubt. A sign of a strong mind.
To be Door slammed by such a person is a lesson. Nobody can tolerate bad behavior as an INFJ🚶🏾♀️🚶🏾♀️🌅
The one I've encountered was impatient and intolerant.
As I slam it I say "Because I'm the door, not The doormat!".
I find it pretty amusing when a non infj attempts to door slam me.
it's like trying to see if you can hold your breath longer than a whale.
🤣 right? Too funny
😂😂😂
😂😂
You reap what you sow. If I shut the door, it’s because the person has shown me who they are and it’s not good. We aren’t carpets for people to walk on.
I'm 67.
I have door-slammed 3 people in my life: an ex-husband, A toxic family member, and a friend of over 60 years.
I believe all three were narcissists who just pushed, cheated, and stole repeatedly, but they never recognized what was wrong with their behavior or how it hurt me. They have tried to slither back into my life, but I will never allow that. They had numerous chances - way more than they deserved.
The best way I have heard is described is, every time someone we care for puts us through unnecessary pain, and refuses to work through it with us, they are putting us through the grieving process; the process used to deal with the death of a loved one. If we complete this process...we remember the person we loved, but that person is dead to us.
I had my door slam last year with a friend of mine that I cared for so much. I still feel the lingering feelings of anger and disappointment from that time but I feel that i've reclaimed who I am. I've always had this fear that if I act the way I truly feel, no one would like me and I would be abandoned for it. After that event I stopped caring about that entirely. I shouldn't have to go above and beyond just to be appreciated or fit in to some group. Doing so isn't going to make me happy, so I will know act in the way that makes me feel happy and fulfilled. The fact is I truly care about the people in my life and I would do anything for them but I deserve appreciation for my efforts. If no one cares what I do for them, I won't do it. Plain and simply. At the end of the day I need to do what I desires to live a happy and fulfilling life. If I have to walk that path alone, so be it. I'll always be open to inviting others on this journey but I'm no longer pretending to be someone else because of some fear of being alone. Being alone and happy is more fulfilling than being surrounded miserable friends.
Wow, INFJ Door Slam is so real. I haven't talked to my dad in 12 years, cut him out completely. Friend kept bothering me about politics which I wanted no part of, but repeatedly kept being forced into such topics, i couldn't take it anymore, I even changed a little bit who i was some of my opinions to show favor and grace to my good friend, but it was all for nothing. I tricked myself a little bit into thinking that maybe I can just keep a little bit of distance and thing will be okay, just sweep it under the rug, LOL. I was totally lying to myself, deep down I knew what was about to happen, door slam. It's so real Wenzes, it's absolutely real.
I've done major door slams when the pandemic happened. I realized how many people were draining my energy and I wasn't feeling happy anymore, so I just chose to close many people off and kept my social circle small. It may have come as a shock to friends who were used to seeing me on a weekly basis, but I felt way happier and more content and at peace away from that crowd than I was around them.
We know pain …we wish that in nobody..but enough is enough
Why so impatient?
I think I have had only one major door slam in my life. To family I was fighting hard for. After struggling with depression and finding purpose I knew that my first steps of independence would cause tension between me and my family, but my mom specifically. Over the last few years of struggling with fear and identity I discovered the narcissistic nature of my family’s culture. This road has been long and exhausting and lonely, but I feel like I’ve learned how to confront those deep and intense feelings of betrayal and hopelessness to finally live with more clarity and peace. It doesn’t feel like a door slamming as much as it feels like a basic security, a realization of and a solution to an open vulnerability. I’m grateful to finally have discovered the INFJ community. 🙏🏾
Wow. This comment is what I’m going through right now well honestly scared to take action to do this.. Thank you for sharing some of your experience 🖤 I personally needed to read this.
@@Bellahairdiva hey I’m sorry I’m just now seeing this comment, but I hope things have gotten better for you. The adjustment to life after finally disconnecting from toxic relationships can be really turbulent or liberating depending on how much other support you have around, and I hope you found more independence and peace and healing. And remember patience healing. Healing is over time all the time. It’s slow, and sometimes feels unchanging, but sometimes slow change is the wisest strategy-in extreme situations it’s the only. It was hard for me at first to develop the mentality to add distance between myself and family, but over time I learned that entertaining the criticisms and negativity was purely illogical. People can argue they know what’s best for your reality and then still consciously proceed to exclude elements of the complete reality, because, technically….(it’s easier to look away; it’s easier to ignore the truth…) Once you recognize that boundaries mean you’re defining security and not abandoning anyone, you‘ll learn that you’re not severing relationships with people you love (or loved), you’re decreasing how frequently you work or exist around them in the future for the protection and defense of your health and wellness. It’s all a process. But stay safe throughout it all 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾
Hey you’re good! Thanks for even replying and sharing more. Good for you for doing all you’re doing for yourself. Your words really help, especially to remember patience while healing. I’ve been doing better than I was a year ago with this but it’s still same environment and family but trust and believe I already know it’ll be so freeing once I start being independent again for myself.
I know I’m going to have some changes come soon all for the good for me it’s just the part of ripping the wholeeeee bandaid off you know. We didn’t have a healthy relationship at all not too long ago and when I came back (moved out at 18 and now I’m 31, I had gotten sober by myself and then all of the sudden had that reality break and had no where to go but back) we all rekindled it some, but since I’ve been back and working on myself I’m starting to realize ALOT. I mean they say they are too but I’m at a point where I can’t be everyone’s therapist or have all their problems on me too. It’s exhausting. There views of what “family” should be, the world, me as a person is not what I agree with.. my boundaries aren’t being respected even though I voice them.
From your personal experience, did you try to set boundaries with them in your life before? Or how did you go about it? Or have fears you have to overcome to? I realize situations are different for everyone but I would like to hear if you’re open to share. Also your take on how you view settings boundaries was great, because it’s not that I hate them we just can’t live together or be as “close” how people think you should be with people that you call family. It’s sucks when they say they mean well but it’s not what’s best for yourself, then I feel guilty for even thinking of detaching. I get that!!
The struggle in the mind 😆
There’s so much that I could say about the situation I’m in but I do know and believe it’ll get better. I’m really glad that we’re all not alone (INFJs) thank you again so much for replying back with what you did it’ll help me during this time.
I can hold a grudge forever if I consistently have no luck no matter how hard I try after an argument or disagreement, and if I am snubbed so my times . If I am not appreciated I will end communication .
Can't help feeling sorry for their loss
Set those boundaries. /. Safe ur life. And have self respect
@@johnrage8163 There's no loss is having a petulant, unstable person ending contact with one.
The making ourselves small for others hit home. 😢
The reason why we do it is bc we didn't receive unconditional love as children and were taught out goals and perceptions don't matter so we figure out we can only exist by supporting another.
Incredibly necessary for mental health
I have been known to slam the door on someone so hard that they will question their own existence.
Not so much a doorslam story, but when I had a business trip for the first time and came back my wife told me something like "Now I can see how much effort you put in the household and raising the children...and somehow you manage to work full-time as well".
It doesn't always have to "end" when other people start seeing and appreciating things, but it's always good and "right" when it happens.
I have the trifecta of INFJ, Virgo, and Italian. Once I'm done with you, I am DONE with you. There's no going back. It's still painful at first for me once I go cold (my version of the door slam), but I use that silence to help myself get past it. I'm not sure if this is an INFJ quality, but I know it's definitely Italian and Virgo: if I am arguing with you, that means I care, it's when I stop that you need to worry.
Yes it is part of INFJ and Virgo.
I'm not Italian, but Irish and Cherokee.
I'm a Virgo and INFJ and yes, it's normal for those elements to cause us to react just like that.
I never liked the term "door slam" in reference to INFJ cutting people off. I think literally in that, and I don't slam doors, ever. I dislike displays of anger that call for physical volatility. Slamming doors is one of those.
I'm going to start using your term, "Going Cold". I hope you don't mind. 😁
“You’re helping others only if it means you can be yourself” This gem was at the very end! I still struggle with finding balance but this was very helpful. I always feel selfish if I know I have the ability to help but choose not to. Trying to figure out the line. If I have $20 do I get myself a nice lunch or give it to the homeless man on the corner? I don’t need the lunch, but I want it. This statement helps me find balance and let go of my fear of being selfish
I feel like you're the only person that understands me and it hurts. I hate being an INFJ, I'm lonely.
I "had" life long friends that I fully accepted, flaws and all. When it slipped out that I knew everything about them exposing their most inner secrets, game over. I get the door slam!
I am in the process of a door slam right now with my own adult daughter. At this stage I am past my own pain (and feeling hers) and moving on to the simple logistics of it. I can't believe it has come to this, but I am done being the target of her narcissistic attacks. The whole situation sucks.
TLDR; I completely relate to this entire video....every last word.
We did that with my wife’s family.
I love the north country!
The door slam is a last resort when negotiations are closed.
There are shades of the door slam. If someone has been a long-term emotional relationship, then it is this dramatic. There is another level, where an INFJ has been exploring the possibilities of how a relationship could or would work, of if there is any interest. At this level, the INFJ might come to understand that there is either no interest by the other party, or that even if they got their interest, their maturity and wisdom (or lack thereof) means they are too immature for the level of relationship the INFJ is contemplating. Sometimes the INFJ door slam is more a line in the sand, of do not brush me of with fobbing, or do not expect me to share any more of my intimate thoughts or ideas, you are not interested or aware. So there is no point in disclosing anything more.
I had a good friend that I had an agreement with about co-parenting her kids. I enjoyed doing it but she held it over my head to control me.
One day I told the oldest she couldn't have her 7th popsicle because she didn't eat breakfast or lunch.
Her mother my x best friend told me we were no longer doing that "co-parenting thing" over that. Somehow she didn't understand that if we were no longer doing that than I was no longer spending 50+ hours a week taking care of the children free of charge any longer.
That was 11 years ago now and I haven't spoken to her since that day when I left her house!
I couldn't yell back at her that day because I was holding her youngest of less than a month.
She had the nerve to call recently thinking I had anything nice to say, I simply hung up when I heard her voice. Don't use me, treat me like shit and expect me to be you're friend ever again!
You are so right! I just did this with a friendship that was a 40 year best friend. I’m finding out that apparently narcissists really like me a lot.
Holy moly 100% on point. I’ve lived my entire life putting others before myself with a belief that they were always better than me. And in this moment, thanks to this video, I have discovered it was due to never wanting them to feel bad about themselves. I give give give give and ALWAYS go out of my way to explain explain explain so they can don’t misunderstand me aka feel bad about themselves. Today I will say, if the person on the receiving end is not putting any sort of effort to understanding me or be open minded to the situation at hand, they deserve zero of my energy. I will no longer beg for what used to occur to me as “acceptance” and “understanding”. I am extremely aware of myself (huge thanks to Wenzes and also my astrological birth chart) that I am DONE diminishing my entire life and dimming my light to keep others feeling safe and secure. It takes me sooooo much time and effort to get to the door slam stage and when I do my internal anger feels skyrocket. Now I understand the anger is towards myself for putting so much time and effort into something that gives zero damns about me. Oh what a relief. I will practice letting people go sooner than later with zero regrets and ESPECIALLY from a world free of explanation, especially if they don’t care to understand at a deep emotional level. I am not responsible for anyone’s well being and competency except my own. I love you Wenzes!!!!
I admit, I’ve done it to several people now. It’s usually in cases of repeated bad behaviour, unwanted excessive contact, or if someone deeply offends one of my core values. Sometimes it has been that the person has done all three of these things. I had to door slam someone recently because they are racist and have a deep hatred of men. These sentiments were expressed in public. They also messaged me dozens of times a day. I tried to slow fade out because they have severe mental health issues and I felt bad. However, they continued to message me constantly, even muting them did very little. I just snapped and blocked them with no explanation. I just couldn’t take it anymore.
Now, I will admit I don’t always call people out, or initiate any conflict with them. So to some people, the door slam may seem completely and utterly unexpected. I think I have become this way because speaking to people about our issues in the past never had positive consequences and only resulted in one person changing their behaviour. Out of so many people. So now I seem to keep quiet when I’m angry and block with no explanation. Which is probably quite unhealthy.
If there's one constant in life, it's that you'll read us INFJs like an open book and say everything that we've needed to hear. Thanks for the video 👍
So true. Wish I knew somerthing about this some 30 years ago.
Pain for like 5 seconds. Then it's done.
Wenzes has, by far, THE best take on the INFJ door slam of any INFJ resource I have come across on the Internet.
What's even more fantastic is that the answer to the problem lies completely within the control of the INFJ themselves.
If I had know this years ago my life would be very much different, but I know it know and I have used this idea over the last 12 months to start to make very healthy changes to the way my life is lived.
Again, thank you Wenzes for taking the time and energy to put this video out. I for one am so very grateful. 🙏
This is sooo spot on!!!
I've probably told this story a hundred times now. Goes to show how much of an impact it had on me. So, here it goes:
I was friends with someone for about 9-10 years and u considered him to be one of my best friends. I always overlooked that he never openly reciprocated that.
When he married his now wife from one moment to another he became unavailable. I was not invited to his wedding nor was I even considered to be groomsman. I was only knowing about it because I was asking him directly. The ceremony apparently was "family only" due to covid.
Later, when I was having some terrible luck at work and needed someone to talk to, I was reaching out to him and he claimed that 20 minutes while he's driving from work back home would be "plenty of time", he said with a slightly snarky tone. And well... In one of our conversations I was asking him why he would never come to me for help and he would reply that according to him I wasn't emotionally mature enough for that. One decade of friendship, ladies and gentlemen.
After that, I was questioning everything. It all felt like I had been lied to this entire time. So, I withdrawed to rethink about my relationship with my so-called best friend and it would take me almost a year to cut him put because I couldn't stand his pathetic attempts of holding contact (sending me memes like once or twice a week) anymore. He would still forget about my birthday and only ever contact me to the obvious occasions being Christmas and other holidays. I was fed up with him and on 12/23 I was officially slamming the door on him dumping everything onto him, I collected in the meantime. I was doing him a last favor in form of warning him that since his marriage he started neglecting our friendship. This moment should be a wake-up call to him to treat his remaining friends with the passion they deserve but for me it's over. Of course he didn't even see it coming or wouldn't even understand my reasons. He wasn't fighting for us... He just accepted it as the spineless yes-man that he is. The very side of him I would tend to ignore because he was my friend.
This encounter would force me to grow rapidly. It was a painful but necessary experience and I've been making many new friends since then. Life is much better now.
This was SO insightful!! Thank you!
Yes I have door slammed significant people in my life over the years. Until recently I never even heard the phrase 'door slam' used in this context regarding personality. It is so Validating, because I have always second guessed and judged myself for being a cold bitch for doing this and not hanging in there remaining a "loyal" friend for endless years. Now I see that what I've done was part of my personality and was self protecting, and these door slams didn't happen until much time and energy was logged in. I had to create those boundaries for my emotional and mental well being. I now more fully realize It's who I am. I spend a lot of contented time alone, because most personalities drain me after about an hour or so, sometimes less lol. 🤪 Energy suckers, people that won't change but stew in their own miseries and life circumstances that don't or never worked for them, burn me out. At 62 I realize that I am better than ok drawing these boundaries, and that I am not a loser because I don't throw parties and create social events. (Although when I have hosted, I am a meticulous and gracious host to the point of being anxious about it rather than excited. I'd rather attend and spectate than host for sure.) I am me- a deep thinking and feeling person that deserves to have that sort of kindness reflected back to me. If I don't get that- I'm out- and a lot sooner than I used to hold out for. No more being used for an endless sounding board, and getting next to nothing, in my opinion, back for my boundless support. I'm good- thank you very much- moving on...
Thank you again wenzes ~
You brought light to my confusion.
I’m master of that, I do it too often. Self protection, because nothing really works.
OMG, Wenzes, it seems like you know more about me and my life than i do! It is so relieving to understand myself through your videos! I wish all the good things you do, by this channel, to get back to you!
yes, yes, yes 👆
great video !
I concur!!!
Hi Wenzes, your every episode is always a heat, you keep telling my life as it happens real time. It's almost like you are telepathic.
Wow, God bless you real good. Much love from here.
Thank you so much for your videos. You have an exceptional gift, Wenzes. You are very insightful and having all of these things reflected back to me has helped so much. I have been through all of these things. Blows me away how spot on your descriptions are. 100. You're awesome. Thank you.
You make sense!
This video has given me more clarity about myself and I have recognised that I am an INFJ , which is the main cause of my sufferings , Thank you soooo much,
The sense of abandonment sure seems to ring a bell and a nerve. Thanks for the great video! Plenty to consider :)
this makes a lot of sense
I just learned a couple months ago by taking the Myers Briggs personally test and finding out things make so much more sense now after I've seen your videos. I'm learning a lot. Thank you. I thought I was a weirdo.
Good way to say it. Been through a few cycles of this. Working on it
this was beautifully spoken specifically the part about making sure that when you are giving of yourself it comes from the light within you, and from a place where your cup is full and you expect nothing in return.
Thanks, knowledge is power. I still acknowledge the pain I went through but I can't expect bitterness to create a better yesterday. Some people are like a hole in the sand. I can work hard independently to fill it but the hole will only absorb and never admit my labor.
We need to be reminded to choose carefully who we bless with out precious time. God bless
thank you :)
I thought I knew what video was my all time favorite but now I think it is THIS one. I am not sure what I could possibly add to what you lay out...this is one of your Greatest Hits. I will say that I am in no position to become an official counselor for anyone (I am not energetic enough to do what you do) and I would not like the official responsibilities tied in with that...too stressful...but what I am starting to do is simply give less and execute small pullbacks (tiny doorslams if you will) earlier on which helps. Give 65% instead of 85%....pull back at times hinting your lack of desire to coddle someone...then keep giving on a more healthy level that does not leave me completely depleted. So it is hard to be smoothly balanced here for us INFJ but in increments we can pull back and withhold where WE need.
This made me clear that childhood connection.
Oh boy does this hit home. I did the most massive door slam, right after brutally told them aaaallll of the things. I did not hold back! Im still hurting over it! It was a good life lesson. And I grew so much from the experience, im 10x better as a person, and more healed.
Did not have any idea I was an INFJ but now that I know I feel less alone and understand the door slam!
I know this dynamic all too well. We think that things will change and we think that eventually we'll be appreciated and guess what. It doesn't happen. You definitely explained it well
At this stage of my life I haven't done a door slam in a long time, and while I didn't do it very often when I was younger, it did happen a few times and it wasn't fun when it did. It hurt both sides in the way you explained it in this video.
I liked it when you said we need to keep ourselves in a position where we don't need to do a door slam. I've learned to value myself more and fill my life with my own projects and with people who approve of and value what I do, and do the same for them. I don't anticipate having to do a door slam again for a good long time, or perhaps never. Good, healthy preventative self-examination and examination of our relationships can go a long way into making things better.
This vid is 100%
FEEL TO HEAL 🎉🎉🎉🎉
😔A few, most recently, my mother, tough, both to do and how I feel now. I truly know why they say your heart hurts.🦋
My door shut emotionally after the last lie that involved cheating, of course. Working on the physical door now.
I discovered thanks to Twitter that I can actually ignore, mute and block people - both online and in real life - without feeling guilty about it, there will be no catastrophe nor the world will end. Instead the heaven will happen and life will become better - the opposite of our conditioned fears.
Before I would think I have certain number of people that I am allowed to block in a span of 10 years for example.
Due to this belief even after I joined Twitter it never occurred to me that I can use mute, ignore or block option - I would instead think that the other person will say something critical and important and that I must stayed tuned to listen to it. I don't. They are not gods that I made them to be.
When disrespect is served, we are allowed to leave the table.
AMEN 🙏🙌🙏🙌🙏 U ❤️🔥🎶🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥🎶🎶🙏TO NOT TOLERATING OTHERS ABUSE, NEGLECT,GAMES,ETC
Before the door slam, this relationship has already dead. Door slamming is just to bury it,clean it up.
Been there, done that... WAY too many times to care to admit. But more recently, I had to let go of my twin flame...AGAIN... Things get better, and she starts acting sweet, then she goes into her ignoring me nearly completely me phase. It's so irritating. I'm done now. I can't keep doing this anymore, it's tearing me apart. I do love her, and always will, but she's got to step up and show me, if she feels the same way, otherwise, for now, I'm moving on. I finally met a really sweet INFJ girl (psychologist), and she understands me, accepts me for who I am, and all my flaws, and I think things are going well for the first time in years. Granted, she lives in another state, so its online and texts for right now 😕, but I hope things get better soon. For the first time in a long time, I have hope. Wish me luck! 🙂👍🏼
Hope you're having an awesome day and week my friend! Thank you for all that you do for us, and our INFJ community. 🙂🌹❤
I understand the INFJ places such high standards on themselves as well as projecting this perception on others.
Yes, yes, it happened to me.
I'm generally open to a certain type of behavior. If I see a suffering in someone, and I believe that that suffering is unjust, because it is conditioned by unhealthy dynamics, I spontaneously give help, and I confess that I often have the feeling, that I must see clearly, because my intention is to level, smooth out, a situation.
But, very often, in reversed parts, if a manifestly unfair situation happened to me, I saw that those same people, pretended nothing ... Or, they sided with the strongest, or the most popular.
In short, they gave value to the mass vision, to the thought of the mass. When in certain situations they felt ignored, it is not a logical thing for me.
And after years, I closed the. Door.
The door slam is hard to do. I've done it several times, and they hurt. They do, however, help me to understand why I feel the need to help people, and who deserves my attention and who doesn't. I've had toxic relationships that I've door slammed, and, though I hope they're doing okay for themselves, I felt better for just removing myself from those relations.
Great series, Wenzes. You explain our perspective very well. I've door slammed long before I even knew why I was doing it. You really help us to understand the INFJ personality.
Wow
The therapist friend that ends up having a meltdown and paying a therapist to pull me back up. 😂
I think a lot of analysis over time, looking at group, person, organization, situation from many perspectives go into the final conclusion, then I just close the door, ghosting, whatever. I have to protect myself and my energy level now. I’m trying to be a realist in all this as to what are likely outcomes if I do or don’t take action. Even more so with today’s societal breakdowns.
As an INFJ who struggles with abandonment the only one in my life that would never do that is Jesus♥️
I do the 'door close and lock', which is more gentle but equally secure.
As a Christian I realize I don't deserve love, but love is a decision to sacrificially love.
It cannot be explained better than this. The important question is can a toxic one-sided relations be reversed and where we can find the right moment for that. In other words can the INFJ door slam be avoided in a propper way. It's possible in theory, but it's very easy to look at a situation from perspective or from a position of an outside viewer and to say this is what I/you should do, but this is an emotionally detached position, it's not what it is as you experience it with all that emotional drama that we can create with our Fe. From my opinion it's impossible, because emotions are blind. It's inevitable for us to deal with a painfull one-sided relationship and door slam at some moment in our life because of inappropriate emotional investment. Don't let your emotions get the best of you. It sounds cliche, but there's no other truth here. It's not as easy as it suound and we need to digg deep to tap into our Se in order to replace the need for deep/toxic emotional investment, but that's the only way. Don't trap yourself in the toxic projection of your past of being missunderstood and emotionally abandoned. Look at your younger self as a former version of you something that you have overcome, something that is not you anymore.
we haven't "pretended" to not see their weak side, we just haven't verbalized it, if you know what I mean. Because that would crush them. 12:15
This is why I've always attracted narcissists, and the like. Thank you. I shall binge watch you !! x
I usually door slam not so much because they’re the problem, but because I’m the problem. Very rare I door slam because they’re the problem, even though I oughta to that one more often.
I find your videos very insightful. I assume you are an INFJ? I wish you explained some basics on INFJs as well as how they related to the MBTI profile as a whole. I have taken the test several times. I am always an INFJ, always. However, when I see videos like yours not all traits are ones of mine although many are.
But for me the door slam was something I did in the past a lot. But do to my career I can't door slam.
Ok.
I only did that 2 times in my life I don't like doing it but when I'm done with you I am done
👏💯
Indeed, door slams can be some of the most painful things to experience. Done it twice, 2 within a few months of each other. Never done it before that. Do not plan on doing it again. One was due to the other party stonewalling. For now, the doors are closed. Praying for healing in those relationships, maybe one day things can be better. Would like that a lot.
The idea of losing one of my most cherished loved ones, terrifies the hell outta me! I’m not suicidal but I do get *very* panicky sometimes, at the thought/idea of ever outliving any of them. My people include my husband and my kids and grandson. Anyone else, I could handle losing. But *my* people, I can’t even bear the thought of it and now I’m actually crying 🤦♀️ lol. I’m such a sap.
I always wondered why I could door slam and not feel anything bad about it. I worried I had a personality disorder, but I now realise I'm full on InTj. It's so liberating & I don't feel such a weirdo now. 😂 I know, without doubt I've given so much of myself to people & never putting myself 1st. Unfortunately, not everyone appreciates it. As I've matured, I was more communicative, but still people underestimated my strength of character & autonomy. They never realised I only acquiesced because I wanted to make them feel better about themselves. I was always OK and didnt need the external approval.
👍👍
11:53 - Recognizing other people's vulnerability
Male and female INFJs can be quite different from each other. The explanation is that Fe auxiliary and Ti tertiary are culturally biased with males emphasizing Ti and females Fe. In addition, generally, males don't employ an emotional support network among themselves.
I find that if somebody is too ( insert multifaceted obnoxiousness) and it’s just too draining to be around them, I just disappear. Ghosting really. I can come back later and have a great relationship with them. If people do wrong to me, they simply need to acknowledge and make me confident they won’t do it again (and we’re talking a significant lapse, I don’t get excited by humans being human - all that INFJ observation would make you super toxic). It’s when someone so close to you that you can’t walk away, pushes you interminably, takes adavantsge of your compassion and empathy to drain you and can’t be told “no!” To their revolting behaviour - that’s when exhaustion hits and incandescent rage occurs. By that time I have mirrored so much, absorbed so much negative emotion from the other that I hate myself too. Then the utterly unsympathetic truth telling and door slam. It’s when you have given everything and can’t avoid an uncomfortable truth - that close person is irredeemable. Door slamming is for close friends, family and co workers. The rest is usually just falling out or ghosting
I really tried everything not to doorslam, gave her one chance after another, but just can't take this anymore
Is there anyone else who feels urges of guilt and anger intertwined that makes them want to go back to communicate to a person why the door slam happened?
I don’t think my decision or feelings have changed, but I just find that it constantly comes up in my mind whether I did the right thing by not being truthful and just making a clean break when I had a history with the person. I think it’s probably tied in with my need to feel understood and like I’m not a bad person…which could be biased if those are based on childhood unresolved feelings and traumas
"Is there anyone else who feels urges of guilt and anger intertwined that makes them want to go back to communicate to a person why the door slam happened?"
🤔I don't think I ever door slammed, simply because I don't want to be in a relationship with people whom I suspect will only take advantage of my kindness.
I personally believe that *prevention is always better than the cure* so I avoid these type of situations by using humor that stings a bit to seperate the wheat from the chaff.
I simply do not have the strenght to deal with people who are so unlike me that I have to bend over backwards to just get along.
People who get me stick around and those who don't simply avoid me like the plague which explains why I don't have to use a door slam.
😎When it comes to (physical) confrontations it's because people already don't like me and simply ignore my boundaries.
I have no problem dealing with people who, for whatever reason, don't like me, cauz the feeling most often is mutual.
🧠For family I make an exception cauz they often don't understand the INFJ, so it becomes my responsibility to prevent being overstimulated by my own family.
So I take family in small doses and only go to family functions when my presence is absolutely required.
My door slam was after a short 30 days of marriage I walked out after she said was better off with out me. Even after she called and asked if we could still be just friends. I said no and never looked back.
Never meet a person that can go beyond 20%. Emotional door slam is the easier option.
I’ve only door slammed an old friend who’s a drama queen. Still feel good about the decision, wish her the best / no ill will but my life is more peaceful without her. My fuse is long but if you blow it, I don’t look back.
Aggressive borderliners, they are the worst. Appear as friend, they are using focused empathy to gain some hidden goal sprinkled with temper tantrums and orders, commands how we ought to act around them.
I had to door slam a friend, she my friend when i was a teen. I was sad and hurt but it was no longer safe or healthy to be her friend. She really needed to get help from a mental health professional. I am not qualified to give her that help.
I am new at this. I seam to relate to this INFJ, I think I am one. I always thought of the door slam as "The nuclear option ". I've been watching these videos for about 3 weeks and It's like someone is telling my life story. I need help to learn how to cope with it.