How To Leverage Your Autistic Strengths (without alienating your NT colleagues) | Patrons Choice
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- Опубліковано 5 жов 2024
- It's one thing to leverage your autistic strengths, it's another to manage it without alienating your NT colleagues in the process. Managing autism at work can be a balancing act of standing our and fitting in. To effectively manage relationships requires self knowledge of our strengths and challenges, as well as an awareness of how we make others feel (when we succeed!).
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// WELCOME TO ASPERGERS FROM THE INSIDE!!
My name is Paul and I discovered I have Aspergers at age 30.
If you're new you can check out a playlist of some of my most popular videos here: / aspergersfromtheinside
Yes, I know, I don't look autistic. That's exactly why I started this blog, because if I didn't show you, you would never know.
As the name suggests, this channel is devoted to giving you insight into the world of Aspergers.
This blog started off being just my story, but I've learned SO MUCH about my own condition
from meeting others on the Autism Spectrum that now I make sure to feature their stories as well.
I've come a long way in my own personal journey.
Now I'm sharing what I've found so you don't have to learn it the hard way too.
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// WHAT TO EXPECT FROM THIS BLOG
You can expect me to get to the point with concise useful information.
I focus on what is most important and don't shy away from difficult topics.
The best way to learn about Autism is to see it in real life ( i.e. via the stories of many, many people on the spectrum).
In this channel I endeavour to show you what Autism and Aspergers look like in real people and to also give you some insight as to what's happening on the inside.
I upload a new video every weekend with some bonus content thrown in mid-week too.
There's always new stuff coming through so be sure to check back and see what you've missed. (Is this where I'm supposed to tell you to hit that subscribe button?)
Topics Include:
What is Aspergers/Autism?
Aspie Tips, coping strategies, and advice on common issues
Learning Emotional Intelligence (this is my special interest!)
Autism in real life: stories from special guests
Everything I do is and endeavour to go deeper and take you 'behind the scenes' to understand what may, at first glance, seem 'odd'.
oh, and I love busting stereotypes and turning preconceptions upsidedown :)
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// ABOUT ME
I discovered I have aspergers at the age of thrity.
It has been my life's mission to understand these funny creatures we call humans.
My special interest is a combination of emotional intelligence, psychology, neuroscience, thinking styles, behaviour, and motivation. (I.e. what makes people tick)
My background is in engineering and I see the world in systems to be analysed.
My passion is for taking the incredibly complex, deciphering the pattern, and explaining it very simply.
My philosophy is that blogging is an adventure best shared.
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// EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE TRAINING
I also run autism friendly online emotional intelligence training. So if you like my direct, systematic style, and would like to improve your own emotional intelligence skills, check it out here:
emotionsexplain...
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// CONTACT
Blogging is an adventure best shared which means I'd love to hear from you!
Feel free to leave me a comment or send me and email at any time and I'll do my best to respond promptly.
Email: aspergersfromtheinside@gmail.com
Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy this channel!
I look forward to hearing from you!
Peace,
~Paul
Please Paul, have you considered writing a book about all of this? I would definitely love to read it as well- if ever you do!!!
I'd love it too!!
True. . And I believe an Audiobook would be great as well
I promise I will buy it.
Yeah you could publish it for free on Amazon and post it to your audience!everyone would lap it up
@@kateapple1 Nooo! No one should do an immense amount of work for free! Lol I'll buy that...
Well, technically he still is making money if he has so many subscribers/comments correct?
I already loved my employer because I got to work independently and was allowed to do my own thing as long as I got things done in a timely manner. Turns out this employer actually values my differently wired brain and asked me to take a new position. I started it this week and they are already implementing things I've suggested.
That's really great to read :-)
Good luck 😉 but be careful sometimes they are putting the word in sugarcoat but the end result? I once get hired because of the same shit. But end up also being fired because of that. Just letting u know. I hope u wont experience the same stuff. Congratulations anyway 🥰🥰
@@sarah3412 I agree with your sentiment. It is a fine line to walk sometimes.
What's your job and how can I get one like it? I'm graduating college a year from now and what you're describing sounds like a dream but I don't know what industries I'm likely to find that sort of thing in
what job do you do? cause i am studying to be a chemical engineer
This was really helpful! My problem is that implementing these ideas always makes me feel deceitful. Saying “Thanks for your advice, it was so helpful” when I have no intention of using their advice and believe them to be quite incompetent feels like a lie to me. Maybe it depends on the exact circumstances.
Could you try rephrasing to something more like "thanks for the advice / taking the time to help I appreciate it" and that way you're not lying about using their advice but still thanking them for trying basically.
That thought “some of us being incredibly gifted in some areas and also incredibly disadvantaged in other areas”. Explains every disagreement my wife and I had, until we realized I was ADHD and she was Autistic. Now that problem has vanished from our life because we “understand” each other. That concept seemed impossible for me to believe, that any person could be so shockingly talented yet not understand what I thought was common knowledge. I was wrong, like way wrong and I’m very grateful to now know. Every day I see more of how precious my wife is and your videos have provided the information I needed.
So I work in software and I'm naturally really good at some stuff (like better than most of my colleagues good) and really terrible at other stuff like admin tasks as an example.
I'm realizing from this video that my natural success at certain things has made people jealous of me pretty much my whole life not just at work. Basically I have made them angry with me without trying to do so.
This has made me so aware of where I can improve. Especially your point about the incompetent colleagues. I realized that that is me judging everyone by my standard which is unfair on them since I actually have the unfair advantage.
Once again great video!
Yes, it is soo true about carefully choosing your language when describing your skills to others. My mom is the best at this. She's a freaking prodigy but if anyone asks her about her background she'll just say "I studied X in college" or "Yes, I'm a professional." She just lets others figure it out on their own as they get to know her. Makes it much easier to make friends than "You lack the skills to even assess how skilled I am." So, I like to take a page out of her book when it comes to those kinds of situations.
Nice
This is absolutely great advice. I have a tendency to feel undervalued and to think less of the abilities of others. This video helped me look at things through the opposite lens and see how I might come across to others in a way I'd never considered before. I probably judge others because I'm used to feeling judged, but if I imagine that people actually admire things about me, it's a lot easier to consider how they might feel too. I have had friends admire my confidence and colleagues admire my ethic (neither of which I felt I had), and I dismissed it and thought they were crazy or seeing something that wasn't there because at the time I was so miserable with my life. I never really thought that I had things to envy.
I like how you wrote this. I agree.
Now when I read my comment it sounds like a rant.
I had this exact issue today lol
Like, I'm busting my ass to do you guys a favor, why are you mad? I don't ask or expect you to put the same amount of effort as I do, this is just how I work.
Yep, at my car factory job there was a huge argument. This trashy girl got upset when I asked her to help a teammate out so we could keep the line going. She started yelling about "help him with what ? Don't tell me to do my job, the parts aren't moving". I told her that they are moving....now and they did. I saw the pattern coming and she ruined my night by acting like an asshole and taunting me and I told her to leave me the fuck alone or go home. I'm an Assistant Supervisor. She calls herself a ratchet girl and so that explains her personality. Those types idolize trashy rap girls like Cardi B
I was trained by a former Boeing engineer in Electronics Engineering, and once you brought up your example, it clicked with me.
I've always been that way in my work. That's how I ended up leading the test department. I taught farmers to be engineers and we kicked all kinds of ass once there was a force multiplier. But you're right about being humble about it
This helped me alot. I didn't realize I could make someone else feel bad when I would say things like ( oh, no big deal I did it in no time.) I will definitely remember this and probably never say things like that again. Thank you 😊
I love your channel. I'm on the Spectrum and one of my greatest strengths is automotive factory work. I'm an Assistant Supervisor at this place and my Supervisor and I do outstanding cause I'm good with time, speed, and multitasking numerous things at once. It is great and I love it. It is the same work over and over every single day.
I'm always being stuck with people who get jealous of me and I've always tried to amplify their contribution to any success that I may have achieved. This only results in them wanting to use me and tear me down further to claim a "victory"
yup
Even worse when you’re decent looking and fit. People expect you to be a genius athlete or something. I’ve had numerous random guys in stores and public places stare me down like they were sizing me up and I’m just in my own little world minding my own business. Then people write you off as arrogant, weird, and stupid. When I’m like legit the nicest guy you’ll meet. Then they take your kindness as weakness.
I’m in autistic polymath, my biggest blind spot is jealousy. I have no sense of jealousy so I have no way of anticipating it in others.
When I drop into a flow state and accomplished things my classmates or coworkers can’t even comprehend the reaction from my teachers in school or supervisors at work tended to be negative. They’d say “I’m making people jealous, I’m making people feel bad about themselves”.
It’s not my fault people are jealous, it’s not my fault that people feel bad about themselves.
It took me a while to realize I couldn’t fake dumb around sensitive people. Now I have coworkers that aren’t so sensitive, they know my strengths and weaknesses, our skills compliment each other, we challenge each other, we laugh and play. Life is good now that I found the right group.
I faked stupid so much in my teens just to have friends!
I used to utilize these techniques out of a defense mechanism, which I thought would protect me against people forming negative opinions about me for not affirming them enough. This year, at the ripe ol’ age of 36, I’ve I realized this was a defense mechanism that contributed to me repeatedly finding myself in bullying and narcissistic relationships, both romantically and at work. Perhaps this is more of a problem in my field (pandemic nursing has been very intense lately.) And/or because I am perceived as feminine/female. Maybe this approach works better for [white] males/masculine folks and engineers. For me, the result has been my “blood in the water for sharks,” so to speak.
Thank you for making UA-cams, regardless! We need Autists doing this stuff!
WOW! All of your videos have helped me face what I have known for years is my reality. This one really hit at something I work on every day. For me, COVID and working from home made me so much more productive and I spend so much less time helping people who are... As you said, incompetent. Now I simply turn off my phone while working on a big project. I'm 61 years young and highly functional. How did I find you? I found myself shutting down after my business partner would do something that to me only an idiot would do. I knew it had to be that research I did a few decades ago that said I was on the autism spectrum. I had to find out how to not shut myself down. Thanks to you I now know what it means to be "highly functioning" and still have a bad day. Thanks to this video I will be able to consciously give bits of praise to those around me at work. Thank you so much.
Teamwork always broke me, I had the ideas, organisation, meeting date lines...but managing people? I found most people to slow, not motivated like me, frustratingly socially (chat, go for drinks, hangovers, late...etc..) not meeting deadlines....I’d end up doing it alone, topped and tailed, restructured, logical....then the bomb....the sly looks, back stabbing....people avoiding me....ho hum.
My colleague and I have often had this very discussion about work--how to use our strengths without alienating others, and how to manage our weaknesses without alienating others. It has always been an exhausting balancing act.
My partner is pretty hated at his work because he follows the rules to the letter and is very accurate, and will not bend. Amazing how much they hate him for it.
I can relate. Some rules are ridiculous, but most help the workers do a better job. And if you want to pick & choose, then apply for the manager's position instead of botching the work so bad the clients will have to call back and get me to solve their issues for good and wasting my time…
My solution was to fight for the rights of those too afraid to speak up for themselves. Terrified to defend myself, but on behalf of other or colleagues, I become relentless and we attained a pay raise and got the abusers removed. It was rewarding, but so energy intensive. I wish I had known I was thinking like you are describing, I would have lessened the emotional charge that event caused.
am I the only one who finds it soothing when he says "you're here with Paul"
I have no "autistic strength" but I still think the advice for managing work relationships was very helpful to me. Thanks
I can relate to this but we all have got some strengths/skills and we need to find them. I have been good at things but never felt like I was great at them, yet my efforts had been better than other peoples cos of my planning & focus, even tho they didn't feel that way to me.
Acrophyseter Deinodon
I've had exactly this experience. I have been advised during my work life that what I ought to shoot for is a position of authority, some title that affirms my accomplishments, a prestigious shingle on my office door, the "turf" that I've conquered as my own. Thankfully, even before I ever came to the discoveries I've been making, overwhelmingly, the past ten days (yes, I am, I definitely am in the spectrum, as everything I'm seeing in your videos and other sources, plus the tests I've taken, like 35/50 on the AQ test, confirm)--as I was saying, even before coming here and making these discoveries, I was thankfully wise enough to understand myself sufficiently to nod politely as this "incoming" advice (yes, it does feel like a barrage) but assert to myself secretly, inwardly, "No, that's not going to happen. I would destroy myself trying to do that. It's simply not me and never will be." It feels a bit like lying, yes, nodding politely to advice you know is total non-starter, but it's the best strategy for both keeping peace and maintaining your real sense of self. This video confirmed deeply what I perceived and experienced, just one more piece, amidst overwhelmingly many, of a puzzle suddenly fitting together when I didn't even know to begin with that it WAS a puzzle....
Good job by the way on the planes, it's comforting to know there are Aspies in charge! I don't know if this is the first time you mentioned that job at Boeing, but I actually feel much safer knowing you were in charge of that. Because I know how thoroughly you must have gone, if you think at all like I do with my AS. One comment, in trying to share my experiences with my partner, in viewing your videos, for my parents as well, I think you could help many more people by describing your career experience more, and how you have had success. My family tend to think that people with Autism must not function well, or consistently, because they know me. In sharing your story, along with others, it really means the world to me in changing the points of view or encouraging compassion in daily life among my friends and family. Awesome Work Sir!
Oh my, I can relate so much. I used to work in space engineering for a few years - however more on the testing, operating, and analysis aspects. I was really good at this. There was a task that a colleague of mine wasn't able to finish for weeks - programming an instrument testing routine. And I did in half a day. Another strength of mine was to find errors that others had overlooked. Instinctively, I worked in much the same way you describe it here. Amazing.
God, I needed this. I'm in the middle of moving and I'm fighting off a meltdown forreal 🎉
I just moved and I was fighting off a melt down too. I ended having to take 3 days to recover. I definitely don't deal with stress well at all. I hope you get through your move without a melt down and are able to find some time to recoup.
@@tammymarshall4898 I don't cope with stress well either 🔇💀💨 thank you so much for the well wishes 🧡
@@ce4679 You're so welcome. 😊
I hope you're feeling okay now, I have moved two years ago and worked myself to exhaustion, literally didn't slept the night before and packed until 3 hours before the movers came, when I fell down and had a shutdown-nap. It took me a week to fully become human again, I don't wish that to anyone. And that was WITH planning and help, it wasn't an improvised thing, but I underestimated the time and energy needed for me to do this, while working full-time.
This has given me so much insight into why I alienated my staff when I was a supervisor. Wish I'd known it back then!
Ditto me too ty Paul!
11:00 So, basically, apologize for being who you are so you don't hurt the fragile ego of the people you work with....
I have ADHD, I don't apologize for my hyperfocus but I do explain how it's balanced by my distractibility at other times, so I have to leverage it when I get the opportunity. Nobody is perfect, and it's a trade "I'll accept your flaws if you'll accept mine."
That's people in general. No one likes you if you're too good at something and unapologetic. Must be humble.
@@sarahkelly4026 there's a difference between not rubbing it on other people's faces/down playing it, and actively apologizing.
@@manuelbracho3502 I agree. You should not have to apologize.
I mean this is somewhat not necessarily but tbh this is basically just how we can be accepted. I mean if neurotypical said this to me, it gomna pissed me off. But in his(this guy) talking about it. I dont know, at least he can understand and i mean he know this is what we can only be done!! But dont forget that we having trouble to actually play with our emotional which people dont even want to accept it. Which yeah world is not fair
Loved this title the moment I saw it, even before watching the video. In my painfully fresh experience of realization, as it's all breaking in on me with overwhelming clarity, even already I'm discovering the meaning of a new freedom--that is, to make the most of what I am rather than inwardly castigate and reprimand myself for what I'm not.
I’m glad this was explained. For the longest time, I didn’t understand why I was being misunderstood. I’m sure with some mental rehearsal and people watching I’ll be able to use this skill. Hey, very helpful video. Thanks.
I really could relate to this, especially the beginning issues of having to concentrate on the social stuff while making sure everything else gets done right and in order. I had an electronics assembly at one time before and loved it! It's the perfect job for me, because I could be social with my colleagues and achieve high quality results in what I was doing without much effort. I saw the same people every day, and there was structure. Assembly uses skills I was born to do! It fit as a game I could win. My last job was cashier in a grocery store. Being friendly and personal while faking you're not terrified AND getting all the cash register stuff right for an 8 hour shift with 45 minutes total breaktime was undescribably stressful. I got to where I could catch mistakes and fix them before anyone noticed, but I knew that even if I continued to put 300% of my effort into getting better at it I never would be able to. I couldn't make adjustments to the rules to make it easier. Every night I went home feeling like a failure. After a year, I had become physically ill and had to quit. I'd give anything for another job that uses my skills for art and details! There are no assembly plants where I live now.
I love how you are basically saying that we need to mitagate how awesome we are because the neurotypicals can't handle it.
Hahahahahaa. Omg,!! I wish neurotypical person can make reaction video to this video. I mean as autistic person this is so funny. But i do believe they won’t even find it funny. They will think “yeah this is what autistic person should do”.
Aaaah so true.
Unfortunately bosses don't want you to point out mistakes or how to improve their terrible systems. Gah
@@Sky-Child yeah. I agree with u. I wish this world are open. Most of the time, I dont even get why we cannot point out stuff to make improvements. U gonna be label as trying to overshadow other people or trying to show around your “high intelligent”.
@@sarah3412 I've made suggestions on how to improve systems, to be told: "No, that won't work". Then a couple of months down the line they implement my suggestion as their own great idea!
It niggles me, but at the end of the day, I have made an improvement.
@@richardmcmellon216 woww this is the worse scenario can be happening. That with NT they want credit and stuff for their own. As I am tbh I dont give af. I will just want it to be done minus I hate peoples taking credit over my job. Just present it but dont claim it(again and again) it sound quite annoying there. Not because of the credit given but the fact we know they are lying and have 0 knowledge about it. Just copy and paste what exactly we said.
I love how we are being labelled as low in EQ but we do tons of research on other’s emotional feeling. Damn!! Ironically what a fucked up world we are living in.
Exactly!! All it is, as far as i can see, is that we just need help translating what other people are feeling. Once i know that, i am great!. I mean, im an empath too, so that helps with intuitively knowing, but on the human level and knowing why they are feeling that can be very challenging, and i get it wrong sometimes.
But i have been told i have a higher EQ than regular middle aged adults, and i'm 23.
@@chrismccaffrey8256 tbh we just need them to tell us. I am more related to people’s problem than NT. I mean maybe because we also neurodiverse and we also more open minded(out of box thinker). But yeah not being told(which is bullshit, why would we need to guess and stuff?), we gonna fu*ked it hard.
Thank you, Paul. I've been afraid to use my strengths at work and this helps.
Hehe, Paul...Can you show us how you “tickle the boxes”... All seriousness, great video! Your framing of the issue is clear and relatable. Thank you!
This was SO helpful! I’ve done all the “don’ts” previously. This video sheds light on new strategies in my current position. Thank you!
Well, this is a problem with many neuro-typical people, not only autistic people...Many people, in general, do not get to set the rules of their game. And they are not autistic...Alienation is a lot more widespread than we think, even among those who appear to be adequate. I often think that your position as a coach does not allow you to see that every now and then, it would be good to emphasize that it is ok to be alone for a while, hopefully not for long, and it is also ok to feel alienated and to alienate others. Autistic people as well as the other kind ought to learn to come to terms with this and accept that to be alone is sometimes what humans are...Alone, not lonely. Autistic people can teach us immensely about being alone in a way that keeps us entertained and in touch with being human (music, art, mathematics). I am not autistic, I think, but I find people like you, who say they are on the spectrum, absolutely charming! Am I about to lose my sense of identity? If so, that strikes me as not too bad an idea.
Do more research on autism. Then come again. That with NT, u guys think everything are just involved surrounding u guys. Yes we also eat like other NT people. But do u guys having the same issues just to get a meal? U know how much trouble that autistic person have just to have a meal? Trying hard not to get sensory overload over the food(texture wise) that we taken? Having urge to have the same exactly way and taste of the food everytime? Need to have some particular portion/number for a meal? Dont forget most of autistic dont even feel hungry/some dont even feel full. It does seem normal and everyone experience it. But for us it is worse. Sorry if I sound offensive but I hate those word “everyone have this problem”. It is not problem it is how we function.
@@sarah3412 The thing is, I do not really feel that the amounts of research we have is much use when it comes to dealing with people in the end. I also feel that quite a lot of it needs to be reinterpreted function of various situations. Please do yourself a favour, and read a bit more about how research is produced, and then perhaps you might have a different view of using the research. Unless of course, you are yourself part of the network that produces the research, in which case, I more than understand your predicament.
@@sarah3412 Also, unfortunately you misunderstood me. It is not that I want to deny people their specificity and the blessings and the curses that derive from there. I think you should be called autistic if you want, or not, I can acknowledge either one of them according the requirements of political correctness, which I appreciate to a certain extent. But for me, personally, it is not very productive to cling to anything for too long (ADHD :) ?). In this sense, it is because I do not want you to be misunderstood that I refuse to think that everything you are, when you are at your best, cannot be shared in the name of your specificity. It is quite simply a different path in thinking these issues. Instead of treating you as special, I want to get to know you. Of course, there will be judgement in the process, there is judgement on the other side as well. But the question is to determine if there is more to life that this immediate assessment of your difference. I am not sure I would like to live in a society where autistic difference is tolerated because 'they' can be very useful to us (talented, good with numbers etc., etc).
Yes, true love cannot be without politics, but equally, politics can hinder love.
@@grazia3220 what are u saying? I cannot see any point relate to what am I saying. Cling? What do u mean? I never once call myself special because everyone given their own specialty. How research are produced? What do u mean? Seriously i dont get anything what u trying to said.
@@sarah3412 You are quite right, we have no idea who the other of the two of us is. I am sorry you do not understand what I say and it is not your fault. Not mine, either. But I think communication is difficult to achieve on platforms such as this. My advice: lets forget about it for now, since it requires too much effort to overcome this difficulty and I do not really have the time to explain. If you want, you can revisit the ideas I offered later on. The fact that you do not feel like doubting research says a lot about all sorts of things. One thing you can be sure of is: that I do not disagree about the difficulties of autistic life, but merely about how we tend to make sense of them.
Thank you so much for all your videos. I care deeply about a friend that I just didn’t understand, and you have helped me understand what felt like such mixed and confusing signals, and helped me be a better friend!!
You could be the leader of human rights you very rich and you can explain the way of complex care made simple I clap for you Paul.
This is blowing my mind. This clearly is a special interest of yours and we all thank you for sharing it
I'm yet too young to have a job, but I think back at my years in school and the way my relationships with classmates were. I could do an amazing job without putting too much effort in it, because this is how my brain works, it gets excited and spends hours on a topic, and this of course results in good marks. But for them, it looked like I missed all of the math classes in a week without the teacher saying anything about it, then came to the test, said I wasn't preparing at all, and then got the highest mark, because my "wasn't preparing" is "spent less than four hours on learning things, and did no homework but read the book and solved a few tasks", which is actually "was preparing" if i think about it now, but it never felt like doing enough, because I've not solved everything and I wasn't tired of it at all, I enjoyed the process I wasn't preparing as hard as they were.
And something tells me the whole last sentence makes no sense, oops, sorry.
You don't need to learn stuff if you understand how it works, that's my experience anyway, once I understand the concept I can easily figure out other problems using it.
Except procrastination, that one has me beat lol
Makes perfect sense!
Paul, I was diagnosed this week. Your videos are what notified me. Hearing how you leverage / control the situation / atmosphere to allow others to see your strengths without it being a competition that I can’t win - so dead on for how I operate. Amazing we develop these strategies :)
The looking for opportunities is so dead on. I know when I have a chance to actually show my worth.
Seriously you just hit the nail on the head. I suspect my special interest may be along the same lines. Love to have a call some time 👍🏻
But - how do you make people feel good without feeling disingenuous/ fake? Just practice?
@@Sarajevomusic1 I believe u need to do more study and practice. And u do need to practice with people who dont know u. Because as u said u will sound fake if u talk to people who already know u(sudden change). Congratulations on your diagnosis and welcome~~
@@sarah3412 it’s strange. I can convince them, sound genuine to them (from what I can see re: outcomes) but I just cannot believe it can come across genuine and not like Saccharin.
This reminded me of group projects at school. I would be forced to work with others, so I just picked the worst people (grade wise) and offered them a deal: I do all the work, prepare the presentation, you can read your part I give you, if you dont get the best grade you can get, I allow you to throw me under the bus and say I did nothing. Not the best approach to make friends, I found out.
I'm an Assistant Supervisor at my car factory job and I've always had the same outlook as I do now and it seems weird, but it is the truth. I'd rather work with women compared to men and why ? Well with men, you have to consider that they might try to bully you. With women, this isn't a problem. There's also hard working women and even if I got stuck with one that is like "I don't want to break a nail", I'll gladly do her job for her if she leaves me alone. I'm the type that can do a ridiculous amount of work and so I don't mind picking up the slack of others as long as I can stay in a good mood. I've always had issues with people at work and I'd not even say a single thing to any of these people. Damn NT people
I also did this. I would get everyone together and say, "Do you want an A? Good, leave now and leave it to me."
I did the same thing at university, or rather my groups usually noticed i wanted to get a good grade, so they really half-assed or just didn't do their stuff and i had to fix it up. Which I did of course, but when I complained to the supervisors they said I had to stop helping them out. Like oh yeah just be at peace with a shitty grade.
First year that went okay, the second year right at the start i completely burned out. We're now almost 10 years later and i still haven't picked it up again. I'm massively anxious about going back, but I also don't want 'dumb' jobs for the rest of my life.
Really is a difficult balancing act, especially as someone who struggles to explain their feelings and who has a hard time being happy with a barely pushing grade.
Done this a few times and always got an A for everyone. We became friends after
I really enjoyed your perspective and I’m going to try and incorporate this into my work. I think I tend to get exclude others because I wasn’t taken seriously to began with. I have adhd so to forget small details but I’m pretty good at analyzing overall strategies and methods for more efficient project management.
yes me too
Fabulous! Teamwork! Everyone doing the things they are the best at and being celebrated!! Equality, respect and joy! 🥰💖
I am diagnosed as an aspie but I have never experienced the urge to work 12 hours straight.
Autism is a spectrum right ? One autistic person may not relate to another autistic person. For me, I can work for days if I am into my job. Once I didnt get any sleep for 3 days and most of the time even IF I slept, i will be working in my sleep(that is how my obsession done to me).
@@sarah3412 Its just hard for me to realize what my autism brings me if i dont any urge to be obsessive about work.
@@ThePedram009 i dont understand what do u mean!! 🤔🤔
Work relationships are difficult, and I try my best to navigate!
This is a great video. Many little points that help.
Thank you so much. Please don't stop what you are doing.
This is awesome advice, i sort of do a couple of this things a few weeks ago and really went well, but now I'll put them in practice, am sure that it make a big difference. Thank you so much Paul!!
In my last job I was the only skilled person in my department and wondered why my boss hadn't employed people with the required skills. This put a load of stress and pressure on me and it wasn't until the last 6 months of that job that he employed someone capable and had the same skills as me and things were so much easier after that. I'd tried to encourage my boss to adopt a system that ensured everyone knew which job they were doing, when it needed to be done by and delivered by but that took ages and yet when it was adopted, work for everyone was made easier.
After all of those improvements tho, I was the one made redundant in my department, at the end of 2008 cos of the global economic collapse, and all cos I couldn't drive (with having epilepsy). I wasn't bothered initially as I thought I'd take time out and then get another job in a few months to a year but their were no jobs and I then went downhill slowly and then fast and my anxiety, depressions increased as I had no work or solid routines to keep me on the straight and narrow.
This actually gave me a chuckle, remembering one of the first jobs I had after finishing uni! It was during the early days of 'computer- based training' and I was working more or less independently in a training centre, converting the materials from presencial courses. My colleagues were mostly middle aged, mostly men, and they were very nice to me. They very gently in their own way all let me know I was working too fast producing great results too soon and it was upsetting the apple cart lol putting them to shame was the way one of them put it. I saw it as a 'work to rule' kind of situation and I started taking lots of coffee breaks, going for walks around the block etc hahaha but I ended up really frustrated and left for a less well paid job that was more demanding. I had no idea at that point that I was autistic.
my whole life lol
I've never had any sort of diagnosis, but I typically have problems with team leaders or supervisors starting to see me as a threat (because I'm like a sponge when it comes to learning about engineering), and then working to gas light me and isolate me from colleagues so that I cannot form those working relationships. I end up withdrawing, trying to keep my head down, being as mediocre as possible to avoid persecution, and colleagues end up thinking I have a problem with them, especially female colleagues.
It's happened twice in the last 10 years and I just don't know what to do any more, the last time it started as soon as my team leader began to see the extent of my skills and experience, he did not run my interview, he had no idea of my background.
I think it's more difficult as man too, because if we seem quiet or shy, or just trying to keep out of trouble, then it's looks like we're arrogant.
I wished someone had shared this with me 40 years ago.
I try to also emphasize the amount of practice that goes into the things I’m good at. Since because we like doing things we’re good at, we also often get in a lot of practice. Like yes, I have superfast memory access but I also studied like a madman in college and really enjoyed it, enjoyed learning about all the contents. Consequently I’m thinking about them all the time, and I remember them. And when you’re mentoring a student or apprentice, make sure to emphasize their achievements/ progress in their training, especially because they won’t typically notice on their own. It requires comparing their current skills to their skills at some point in the past and emphasizing the areas they’ve improved.
Can you interview Dan from the Aspergers experience in order to talk about coping with and without certain comorbidity like ASHD which he has.
I can still remember my last volunteer project regarding this. I ended up doing most of the planning, scheduling and organising.
The ironic thing was that I never intended to do the hard work, but I realized that our notional chair did a terrible job at the few tasks that he was given, so to avoid our project failing altogether, I had to take over the reigns and be a bit annoying about meeting deadlines and all. He actually realized mid-game that he couldn't even make it at our volunteering event and he just shoved the responsibility over to me. However, he complained when I took control over the actual planning and accused me of arrogantly thinking that I was better than him.
But what are you supposed to do with that? It's correct. He did a terrible job on meeting his deadlines. He had to get an event room, so he had to write an e-mail in time. He failed at that. He tended to just not do anything up until 2 weeks before the event, so he got the room 1 week before the event (after not doing anything for more than 2 months!), not enough time to distribute flyers and advertising material.
So he pushed work onto me, did a terrible job at the very few tasks he had and then complained after I was anxious about meeting our deadlines because of his failures. And then I'm being accused of being arrogant and taking control, even though I was given control without me requesting it!
Love your content Paul. There are so many times where I could change engineer with my profession or a location and your statements would be an accurate summary.
thank you for this, you always read my mind. i love making people feel good!
I am certainly no 'all seeing being', but when I make a point, or pursue an argument it really irritates people! Your advice about 'dialling it down' , and 'sharing the love' is really very helpful. My thanks.
Thank you! Your helping me a lot! 👍👍👍
If only I knew that when I was working. I often get mad at them because I didn't understand why they cannot do this or that, it always was so easier if they organized their work and do like me. My boss asked me twice to stop doing thinks so good, always in time, because I might have problems with my colleagues.. (I had 20 colleagues and none of them do thinks in time and the right way),they may, be asking to work more because I can. I did a few burnouts because that's not how world should be. I get bullied sometimes because for exemple I never was too late and so on. 23 years of my life. In fact, I realize that even now, I wouldn't be able to change. I am extremely uncompromising about what might or not, when and how things have to be done. Even now, after 5 years ,it's still a big trigger, really big.
I'm not more like this, it was only at work. I think it would have been easier if I knew your explanation.
Thank you so much Paul for this video. I have learned a lot ! Now, I have to integrate your advices into my actions (I really hope my English is comprehensible, I am French).
I like that I don't need to stare at my phone get your full message in many of your videos. My eyes are feeling a bit off today so this is exactly what I needed for a bit of useful relaxation
Thank you Paul for the content. Keep at it. You are a go-to resource.
Learning your potential and knowing when you have over extended your self is a struggle. I learned that me over extending myself is viewed as potential but others do not realize how mentally hard it is to know when to stop. If perspective is changed you may find rules everyone can agree on.
I’ve used these strategies before! I didn’t want to disparage my colleague’s communication skills, so I said “I’m pretty good at putting together concise summaries of info, can I take this on?” 😊
You present very well. Thank you so much.
I think our human desire to bond and accept each other often takes precedent over the desire to achieve and even to survive. Thank goodness for Aspies getting things done in this world!
I don't know about the second sentence of your message, because I believe any people can achieve great things when they put their mind to it (granted, NTs may need the strength of numbers), but I whole-heartedly agree with the first one. How many times did I watch people do dumb things so they look good and feel part of the group, even when doing so endangered their health/studies/job/relationships and so on…
The hardest part more often than not, is telling others how helpful they were to me, even if it was in a very small way. I enjoy working alone because things flow well and it does clog my cycle of thought, as it does many times working with others.
Having to work with others really is exhausting. I find myself to be mentally exhausted and almost burnt out. I feel like I’m constantly playing a game, just to keep the NT world happy with me as a person. 💔😢
Minimize yourself, exalt others, got it.
it seems basically impossile to do this due to the fact that the "alienation" is usually just them being pissed off at you for proving them wrong after they assumed you to be an idiot. they assume you arent functional and then if you do something well or even worse, better than them, they get fucking pissed at you for shattering their illusion. meanwhile its their own fault they had a preconceived notion int he first place and formed an opinion before getting the information.
When you talk about autistic people being 'gifted' or 'competent', I have to think about that. I agree that you are probably right to some extent; even when I was a young child, my grandmother used to say that I had a photographic memory - people didn't even know about autism then. I didn't have photographic memory at all; all I had was a computer-like way of mapping my environment. I did very well throughout my schooldays, always being in the top three in exams, not because I was more intelligent but because I concentrated and focussed more on the topics that I liked. I am frequently regarded as being an intellectual, which I suppose I am compared to most people now but I think of myself as being what I really am; a carpenter!
The point is...
I have two qualified trades (Upholstery and Carpentry/Joinery) and two University degrees (Joint honours English Literature/Creative Studies and Joint Honours Photography/Digital Design). I also have several other qualifications that I will not bore you with here. I did not get them through being amazingly intelligent, I got them through being totally focussed. Anyone of average intelligence could do the same.
Put it this way; I've always known that I am not the best and that is why I have to do my best.
❤ @AutismFromTheInside Great advice to emphasise the need focus on or leverage strengths, but to do it in a way that doesn’t offend others or have others feeling threatened. Making it “our” success instead of the individual’s success is important for others’ feelings. Managing how the other person feels sounds weird to me as if they are insecure but it seems very much to be the reality.
Thank you for stating. Have seen that repeatedly in the past successes failed when I focused on the job and trusted others to see that and to appreciate that without my having to help them see it, and to be able to manage their own feelings. It was my way of respecting them, not to think they needed to be constantly attended to in that way. I was wrong. So the limited energy needs to be taken away from the work at hand that I’m supposed to focus on, in order to attend such matters. It’s exhausting, but I get it.
This envy really is an issue, causing other people to be feeling jealous or envious (often wrongly) and attacking and finding ways to cut down. Then when they realise they were wrong, to protect their feeling about their own self ego, they decide the one attacked was worthless and bad and deserving of being treated badly and attacked as a lowly nothing.
Another issue is the strengths not being realised or able to be leveraged, and the weaknesses being an issue.
In the past, counted on people being aware and intelligent enough to recognise. Additionally, didn’t realise people felt so insecure and would attack. Had no idea people were not aware or insecure in that way. Also didn’t think people would not see the efforts.
People are so sensitive. It’s like walking on egg shells. I have to constantly worry that somebody might feel bad or get triggered or feel attacked. It takes so much energy that it’s distracting from functioning, seriously. I do care, but have to say that they are wrong to be alienated and stingy towards another person who they perceive as doing well.
Why not be glad when another does well? People should be appreciated for their strengths and successes and EVERYONE, in general, should be appreciated. Maybe that is the trouble, people are made to think or caused to have a situation in that there must be losers.
Annoyed by this but super appreciate the kind and patient explanations on this site. Thank you to @AutismFromTheInside.
the 'feelings' - such as 'happiness' - of others aren't under my control, nor is their emotional intelligence | stupidity. and I guess it were detrimental to my mentail | cognitive balance, came I to hold myself accountable for such. that said, I do sincerily appreciate paul's work, too.
I am really struggling at work with having patience. I run a machine at a factory that is the bottleneck of our production. I have decided in my heart I trust this company, I agree with its core values, and it makes a product that benefits human kind legitimately. My impatience comes from the heavy reliance on others to just do my job. I am faster on this machine than anyone, but sometimes can't run it bc they ran out of inventory, forgot to buy more, made mistakes in apportionment of materials. I want the company to succeed and I want to lend my logistical skillet to this, but ultimately stupid people can just say "I've been here 20 years blah blah" or "I'm 55 years old I know more blah.". But then if you point out any errors in logic you are punished either overtly or subtly. These people know nothing about computers, inventory systems, efficiency, ALL THEY KNOW IS THAT THEY ARE ALWAYS RIGHT.
Two of my favourite phrases for self-praise: "Not just a pretty face", and "Sometimes I know what I'm {doing | talking about}"
Wow! Brother from another mother.
Hey, saw you at the climbing gym the other day. Was too shy to say hi lol, but anyway wanted to say I appreciate your content and that you've helped me understand myself 💜❤️💙
I went through this a lot in the jobs I had. I would create systems, improve process etc. But then those would never be applied to others because people were too afraid of losing their value on moving papers or doing unnecessary processes.
I wish I knew how to manage better these relationships.
For me is difficult to ask for reviews because I mostly disagree with the points or just don't care about them (I had enough discussions about wrong spelling or choice of wording "I believe in this paragraph we should say highly efficient instead of extremely efficient", really I couldn't care less). But I am learning the rule of "smile, nod and do whatever you were going to do anyway".
Corporate life with ASD is to tell everyone we should X, boss decide to do Y, it goes wrong and then boss decide to finally do X last minute or keeping feeling holes of Y for the next years.
I don't mind so much having not so brilliant co-workers anymore, the problem is when the bosses and other managers are not so brilliant and they are the ones that review, pick, present (cringe!) your job to higher management or clients.
Then I not only have to worry about doing my job, but teaching the boss to use excel, make presentations, drafting emails, coaching them on the basics of the field etc.
Sorry for the venting. It's just so many things that I wonder if I ever will get a job that I feel peaceful with it.
Excellent advice.
I sometimes heap praise on the people who trained me and say that I'm not particularly gifted at something but that I was lucky to be trained by really exceptional people - I also praise the people around me or people who've helped or given advice or feedback and say that without them it would have been impossible to achieve something. (Provided that those people won't or can't try to claim credit for my work - that is a risk.)
Things we were taught in armed forces included to always personalise praise and depersonalise negative feedback and when giving negative feedback on something to contain it within more general praise - those are important.
One thing that other people don't unterstand about us is that there are things which it is possible for us to do but which cause a lot of fear and consume vast amounts of energy for us. (Then of course there are things that are intellectually impossible for others that we do almost effortlessly.)
Doing all that in public consumes energy though so I sometimes explode in private.
Paul I have a very special question. My son graduated with a Bachelors of Science in computer science and a minor in computer information systems with a 3.5 GPA. In December. All these applications ask about disability and he wants to be honest is this making it harder for him to get a job? He’s getting extremely depressed with the outcome and feels he wasted that part of his life yet he is excellent in what he does but can’t get in. Covid hit when he was at the point of internships so he is lacking in the experience area yet he can do the work. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
I have not listed this as a disability on any application but I have worked the topic into conversations and suggested it as part of a diverse corporate culture. I have shared my ASD diagnosis with trusted supervisors but not colleagues per se. My fear of listing this as a disability is that it creates an expectation of...disability. Unless there is some reason management have understanding of the Spectrum, it is a risk imo. There are definitely ways to allow people to know about the spectrum diagnosis without checking off the disability box or creating an atmosphere of lowered expectations or other unintended perspectives.
Its an option to tell them, not an obligation. Personally, I wouldn't tell someone (at work) unless they absolutely need to know for some reason. After all, if you can hold down the job without differential treatment then that's not really the kind of disability they need to know about.
Thankyou for this! Your videos are very helpful!
Very useful, thanks a lot
For me, it would be difficult to stay humble and not take praise for granted. I would probably need to work on this. It's kind of like balancing myself and trying to remain straight on a splint but my breathing and facial expression while blushing would give way.
Pmsl. 'neuro-typical' come on. We call them 'norms' 😂 this man is so polite
Nice last name. Mine, too 😁
@@HeatherGrace do you mean Walter?
@@BryceMWalter yes. Or is that not your last name? I just assumed 🤦 oops
@@HeatherGrace Bryce Vincent Walter is my full name. It's ok ❤️ thank you. Your name is pretty. My name causes confusion because it's 3 first names lol.
@@BryceMWalter my dad had that issue in the army lol
You have a very nice name👍❤️
Jeeeez, this has been the central problem of my whole life!
6:55 exactly, it's like we as ASS ppl. are fully aware | pre-disposed to learn | adapt to new issues (yet another glitch) in the NT matrix all tte time. but alas, that doesn't hold for the emo.consonance. an extreme field of this is that may come ro understand about evo.psych nature | operations of xx.s - or co-vibe with (eg 'love') them.
Paul is a genius and NTs can’t handle it. So he has to lie to prevent them from panicking.
I LOVED IT! GREAT VIDEO! THANK YOU SO MUCH!! 👍👍❤️❤️‼️
"Sorry, I can't help being this brilliant."
XD
Loved this! Such good advice. Thanks Paul :-)
I have about 9 years of experience in software engineering and worked in 4 different companies so far. I always get the first part done (i.e planning meticulously and doing my work efficiently and in a timely manner), but struggled with the second part.
In every single appraisal meeting over the last 9 years, the only negative feedback i've gotten has been : "You need to speak up more, build relationships, be more assertive" :/
15:45 that is what they'd make out if it. but I'd be indifferent to them, relatively to the issues in focus of being adressed - with all of us factoring into success in terms of outcome in latter, hopefully. (maybe involving idealism, in some way).
Great video, as always. I can't resist to notice the irony of being asked to be more assertive while you're not doing it on purpose so your colleagues don't think you're an asshole 🤔
I have a strength of memorizing things, but my ocd meds keeps me from that ability. Why is that?
I'm absolutely not a professional so take this for what it's worth, but my guess is that OCD meds have a dampening effect to decrease racing thoughts and anxious feelings. This affects your brain chemistry, possibly making your memory fuzzy or making you feel out of touch with reality. I would recommend talking to your doctor about alternative medications, as well as therapies like cognitive behavioral therapy that might help tackle the cause of your OCD.
This is the exact issue I have at the moment. I used to be on a project where as long as the work got done, it was fine and I used to sift of 600 item of post a day, I ordered items from storage and sent them off. Then, about two years ago, they brought stats in and everything went down hill. I am getting told I cant go back to what I was doing as "It has no value." The whole situation is made 1000% worse as the instructions are often unclear and constantly being pushed to take on more "as part of my development".
I'm finding that being a content creator combines a lot of my interests and allows me to do things on my terms. Unfortunately, I'm unable to do it professionally right now.
But I DO want to alienate my nuerotypical peers…😒
Hahahahahahah!!
I am confused! Wont people see through all that? How can I say I am pretty decent when I know I am the best without feeling fake?
COMMENT: another nice one, you are coming up with a whole load of great videos; keep them coming. Building the relationships =- oh I liked you prior comment of "evaporating friends",...where do they all evaporate to I wonder....Emotional intelligence, self awareness and relationship management, sounds like the more humanist approach of life, as distinct from the current cultural climate of scientific rigours as reductionism, that frustrates as distinct schools of thoughts. I see an aspect at issue, of narcissistic controlling behaviours and other difficult behaviours issues, principally as politics. Leveraging your strengths, sounds like a "transfer of risk" element (again with reference to the conditions different view of perception of logic, and scientific reductionism), and with reference to work the human element of a relationship is different - I challenge your view here, as what you describe is the "automation" process, and risk reduction in contract. I recognise that is substantially different from the human management aspect, where I recognise your comments about "inclusion" of others......just different approaches to the same problem of economics and work....attachment theory of social relationships!!!!
This is a problem for me as well.
The same people who may consider me a lazy socially idiotic parasite are so offended whenever I do something well and talk about it or give hints and tips about what can be done about it.
They want me to succeed, but when I do, they are offended by it. Ironically, that only hits my self-esteem that is already very low based on my autistic behaviors.
I really don't understand this though. Why is making people inadequate if I talk about the things that I'm good at? I'm never telling them that they are stupid for being good in different things. So where does it come from?
That has also led me to downplay my successes because I know that most neurotypicals don't want to hear about it. But at the same time I get comments such as that I should be more self-confident and that I should talk about my strengths and successes more.
I'm just confused about what people expect of me.