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I think that a narcissistic person does know what they’re doing and they do horrible things to people because that’s how they control you 👍🏻all look she’s having a good day let me do something to throw a monkey wrench in it…. I think they get off on having that kind of power over somebody
My ex-wife was a master of passive aggressive narcissism. During a time in our marriage when we didn't have a lot of money I worked on keeping our cars well maintained. Brake jobs, tune ups, oil changes, etc. There were occasions where I needed her to hold a flashlight or some other type of simple assistance. She would take the opportunity to start peppering me with one question after another before she would even consider holding the flashlight. What was I doing? How did I know this was what was necessary? Was this the best way to do it? On and on, one question after another without end. I could have provided her with a detailed history of the internal combustion engine and she still wouldn't have been convinced to hold the flashlight. I would eventually beg her to just hold the flashlight and her response was "I can't be around you when you're so angry" and then she'd storm off. It never made any sense to me at the time. Why was she like this when I was doing something that was of mutual benefit to both of us. Now I realize she was just getting off on controlling and manipulating me and causing chaos. Thank God we are no longer together.
The problem is that until the passive aggressive narcisist have not conviction about his problem, he won't learn to be different. Passive aggressive people are always right, or they might say it is my fault but you... more of the passive aggressive behavior. Not easy to deal with this. Very good video!
Bullies maybe, but not truly assertive. Covert narcissist is almost never assertive, but will get angry and tell you things like "My feelings matter" as if you've been horribly dismissive, but really they were the ones to dismiss you and then on top of that they demand that you listen to them...insidious!!
yes exactly 💯. I'm so glad someone else pointed this out. It's ridiculous to assign "assertive" to passive aggressive. Assertiveness is good quality that reflects alignment with one's values and beliefs. Nothing wrong with that. A true narcissist is a wolf but in sheep's clothing...their key MO lies in the surprise and shock value.
I was working hard one day in my job in a warehouse which I loved when out of the blue my boss just pounced on me and verbally attacked me for no reason whatsoever. All I did was ask a question about something I was unsure of and she started attacking me saying I was "forgetting everything" and "should know this stuff by now". I'd only been in the job for a couple of months and there was a lot to learn. I was always putting in extra unpaid hours, happy to do so because I was working in the field of my choice (electronics and LED lighting) and really enjoyed the job. I went the extra mile, doing lots of little bits and pieces that weren't even part of my job description. I genuinely felt that I was doing a great job and yet here she was attacking me and basically accusing me of being useless. Whilst I maintained my composure reasonably well in the moment, on my way home in the car I just went into complete rage. Screaming at the top of my lungs, "Fu$$ You!!! Fu$$ You!!!". How DARE she speak to me like that when I was putting in my absolute best effort and doing so much extra work. And I genuinely was doing a pretty good job, I'd made a few mistakes but isn't that normal?! I was getting better and better. Anyway, I couldn't contain my rage and when I got home I sent my boss an email explaining how inappropriate it was for her to treat me that way and how she'd completely demotivated me by berating me, achieving the exact opposite of what she supposedly wanted. And the next day when I go in I was fired on the spot. She hinted that I had some kind of emotional problems and her partner said to me, "I told you I didn't want drama!". But here's the thing. I was simply doing my job to the best of my ability and all I did was ask a question in a very polite manner. It was my boss who created the drama by speaking to me so condescendingly. She was the one who got emotional for no reason and just pounced on me verbally out of the clear blue sky. Up until that point I'd not been dramatic or emotional in any way whatsoever. And to this day I cannot understand how I could be blamed for creating drama when my boss was the one in the wrong. I sent further emails to them spelling out to them in no uncertain terms all the errors of their ways and it made me feel good to get some payback but at the end of the day, I lost a great job which I enjoyed in my field of choice and I've not had a decent job since. That was now many years ago, and now I pretty much just want to kill myself. I just cannot believe that a person is not allowed to ask a simple question without being attacked. And how I could be treated so incredibly disrespectfully for simply doing my best in a job. It just doesn't make sense to me at all.
She def is a manipulator and gives off "superiority complex" vibes. Who cares how long you've been there we never stop learning. Instead off having a tantrum she should've appreciated the fact that you care so much about your job/company to make sure you understood 100%. Very weird of her to do that and she sounds like hell to be around. I know you feel like you took a L but sometimes we lose what doesn't align with our best. God will take away what doesn't serve you with a bigger and better opportunity. Why stay in a place that is so toxic just for the money? I understand how you feel but trust me there is a better paying job opportunity with people who will respect you. Everything happens for a reason and them letting you go was a blessing in disguise. Telling you from experience, you have to speak your dream job into existence and have faith. Faith with works!
I’ve experienced a similar situation with my boss. She’s passive aggressive and a meanie to work with. Everything I’ve learned in the 3 months of being there I’ve learned by getting yelled at and degraded
@@lisahamrick5185 These sub human cluster F's are infesting the workplace like a cancer. They have ZERO business being put in these managerial positions, yet they are. This world is completely messed up. Everything is backwards.
I am currently at a job where the manager behaves the exact same way! It makes it so difficult to even want to do a good job at work when these children(!), of any age, are given the position of manager!
I think you nailed it. I was calling it unintentional narcissism. I literally don't know what my husband wants until after he's manipulated things to his way.
Unfortunately so few people know how to practice healthy assertiveness, let alone what that even is. It is a skill that needs to be taught and learned. Thank you for your comment.
Yes, there are passive aggressive narcissists. One problem is they have repressed anger and resentment that they don’t have the ability to face. They also try and control others by being passive aggressive.
Agree 💯 they lack skill from their own childhood experiences. Also the person on the receiving end may let it continue longer than needed out of fear of retaliation...
I do agree with you however, my husband is a Master at narcissist abuse! If you tried to teach him assertiveness he would twist it into another method to abuse me. In fact, I watched our educated therapist explain to him how to be honest, step by step, how to communicate healthy. Within a week, he was quoting what the therapist taught him, saying that he was given permission to abuse me.
Yes, unfortunately there are those who will use whatever means and opportunity to use what they learn against you, and we can often weed out those who are here to change their relationship as opposed to those with ulterior motives and pretenses. Either way, you will know what it is you have to work with by their response.
Dear dr. Hawkins, it is definitely not possible to teach a narcissist how to be assertive! 😪 You can only teach yourself how to deal with them with the least damage to yourself , or if you are in a position to run away and have no contact, run as fast as you can and do not look back!
One thing I'll say, Dr. David. . . Passive-Aggressive Communication styles are not limited to just men. Women can be equally the same in their own selfishness. Hurt people, hurt people. . .
My Mom is a covert narcissist. All covert narcissists are introverts and they are very passive aggressive because they don’t have the strength to be actually aggressive. Passive aggressiveness is a sign of weakness and poor quality of character.
OK -- I would say 100% yes and my strong impression is that yes, they know what they are doing but many will go to their graves rather than to admit it because plausible deniability is part of how they get their power. Everything is about power and control for them and avoiding accountability
I am 60, and have spent a lifetime around overt and covert narcissists. Unless, and until, they personally are exhausted by all their deep issues (where all the aggressive, passive, and passive-agressive behavior springs from) and begins to deal with those head-on, and do the extensive inner work, nothing will be helpful. I have seen that they just learn "better tactics" to employ for their intense need to control and manipulate everyone around them. They do not want to mature and grow-up, regardless of their age, or they would be doing that already on their own.
Their false image is their shield. They have all those people completely duped so they can abuse the person of their choice and that person won't be believed.
Thanks for your comment. Dr. Hawkins has also authored many books on this topic, including "When Loving Him is Hurting You: Hope and Help for Women Dealing With Narcissism and Emotional Abuse."
This is my husband and I agree 100% with you. I've only been married a little over 5 years and very exhausted from this man. I worked today and told him he got a break from me and now this evening he goes upstairs to bed and says nothing to me. I'm like whatever as I'm ready to end this anyway. Thank you for the video.
Hope you ditched that loser. I'm stuck with one (26 years and counting) and I can tell you, they only get worse with time. If I had known now what I knew then I'd have ran far away from him long ago. Now I'm completely trapped.
Agree very much so. You are describing my husband to a tee. He is unable to assert himself while caring about me. He gets what he wants, or what he think he wants, being passive aggressive with me. I have been a victim for over 25 years. Healing the last 10 years. Just discovered you!
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Great video. subbed. I have some neighbors that are like this. Very good at playing the victim. It took me long enough to realize that it doesn't matter how nice you are to a bully they will always harass, gaslight etc. The worst thing you can do is react and feed into their disgusting behavior. Ignore and don't give any reaction. Act like they don't exist.
Glad you have boundaries and are not allowing yourself to get sucked into their crazy making behaviors. If you found this video helpful, subscribe to our channel for more related content, or sign up for our newsletters for helpful articles and videos from our therapists sent to your inbox: marriagerecoverycenter.com/mailing-list/
For a decade I have been living with a man I have come to define as autistic, passive aggressive, narcisist. (None diagnosed) I believe that based on his autistic inability, he is constantly in anxiety and stress. His only way to deal with that is to be controlling and abusive. He was raised in a passive aggressive home, which taught him how to get his control while still keeping those around him questioning... which helps his anxiety... It is either beleiving this... or believing I live with, married, and had children with evil... and I cannot believe that when my kids and I all have to deal with him for the rest of our lives... I whole heartedly beleive in passive aggressive narcissists!!!!!!! Because I have lived it and almost died in that environment!
Oh my...this is my story 😳 Almost died...I have fibro and chronic fatigue. He even has a diagnose of autism which is common for fragile introverted sensitive narcs who are passive agressive. I lost everything. Almost 4 years in recovery and it has been hell...still not out of the woods. But learned so much. He traumatised me to the core together with his parents.
He sarcastically agrees with me shaking his head it is soooo incredibly frustrating along with all the sneaky behavior the gaslighting his favorite thing for him to say is I don’t care he’s a liar he is passive aggressive
Encouraging aggression boosts their ego in my experience with my partner they just became verbally aggressive not assertive, the tact won’t be there…ever
I have dad , grandpa, neighbour .some foregin people i don't know they always attack and abuse my emotion with fake Cough and fake throat clearing. ITS annoying yes.
I agree! But how do you get a passive-aggressive person to be assertive? How do they even recognize their passiveness? This video helped me also to see how my withdrawal is passive-aggressive.
We have programs that teach assertive communication using DBT. If you are interested in learning more about it, please reach out to our office at (206) 219-0145 or info@marriagerecoverycenter.com
It is not possible to teach them assertiveness, you have to accept that you can not change or heal them, unless and that is very rare they become aware and want to go through a therapy!
He was so passive aggressive it killed my interest in our relationship. He tried to call it his humor but he was always dismissing my feelings and ideas in favor of his own. One day he “joked” that it was my fault I didn’t get my way for not being assertive enough. He called it talking **** but it was the straw that broke the camels back
Both passivity, passive aggression and aggression are all unhealthy forms of relating and destroy connection. If there is anything we can help you with, please reach out to us at marriagerecoverycenter.com/contact-us/
Yes, sadly it does impact the family and anyone they are in relationship with. Here is a video that addresses women narcissists specifically: ua-cam.com/video/HksJxJyqpdw/v-deo.html
I'm so confused. I know that my mother is a narcissist, this much is very clear. But I'm starting to wonder if my father is also a narcissist? The "woe is me" kind who is always the "victim" of everything. On the surface, he seems like one of the nicest people one could know. But in reality he is painfully cruel. It's a cruelness I don't really know how to explain. He's not violent, just wicked and vengeful to the core. Yesterday was Thanksgiving and it's clear that he felt slighted by something I said, did, or did not do (I have no clue) because today is my birthday and he did not acknowledge this at all. No phone call, nothing, a passive/aggressive retaliation for something that angered him. I felt a vibe during Thanksgiving accompanied by chest pains because I could sense he was displeased about something. I've spent the day wondering what I could have possibly done wrong (any number of things). But I'm also starting to wonder if the person who is quick to point out narcissism in others, my dad, is in fact a narcissist himself? I'm terrified at the thought.
No they can't effectively state their needs and will obstruct the actions of others in an attempt to undermine others. The two year old can't state their needs and become angry when their needs are not meet. They need to speak about their needs not just devaluing others. Most narcs I have met have some or a lot of alexithymia. When they say I say what I think that's probably some form of manipulation. Yes they need to be assertive.
Here’s my issue: I’m ultra competitive and want to win. There are few they want to win like I do. I’m forced to play with those who don’t want to win, and I come off passive aggressive for catering my message to their lack will power and determination psyche. It’s like having to accomplish a goal when you rely upon someone you know will fail. Assertiveness won’t work, aggressiveness won’t work. Some people have to fly solo.
We are all broken in some way to some degree and on a journey to relate well to ourselves and others. If someone desires help, and science has shown that the brain can be rewired, and we believe in the value of all human beings, and we are trained to help, why not?
@drdavidbhawkins cause they cant be rewired and will waste your time that could be given to people that actually need it. A therapist is supply for a narcissist
I agree!!! I think they would rather be seen as assertive rather than aggressive…that would make them look good. So maybe they would,as long as, they receive the primary benefits of such action…..(ofcourse)😂
As a man with my wife for 35 years with constant never ending hate , I’ve always thought learn to live with it for the sake of the family, but it’s getting too much, my earnings are now very low as is my health not great and I think I’ll be dead soon so it doesn’t matter. She refuses to work so if I manage to get a small flat ( not likely in England) the family home that my children and grandchildren rely on will be gone . What should I do , bearing in mind she’s very aggressive and we don’t/can’t speak ?
My issue is coming from siblings. Not my spouse. Through texts messages. The condiscending, patronizing texts. I feel they’re meant to get an angry reaction from me. No matter what I say in response to the constant bullying. They’ve also sent other family members after me to continue some kind of attack. Contacting my children. How do I handle this?
These are attempts to get a reaction out of you, so don't let it. Stay focused on what you know to be true, not what they are saying about you or to you. If we don't have an anchor, we will allow others to control our emotions, thoughts and behaviors.
My narcissistic brother, shouts thru the walls, whenever I use the staircase to my room. He shouts passive-aggressively '"Oh, he's doing his sports/fitness training again" (He=me, 3rd person, very passive aggressive). He says it because he can hear my steps on the stairs. It's obnoxious and annoying! What can I do? Thanks for your help!
Yes, there is passive aggressive narcissism. I think our priest is this way and it is awful. He never thinks he is in the wrong and what’s weird is at the end of the day I feel bad and guilty. He is so cunning that a lot of people can not see it.
Probably dismissive avoidant attachment style to the extreme. No they don't use words they lack emotional intelligence. These men and women need to learn healthy assertiveness.
No I disagree. They are passive aggressive and aggressive and assertive, they don’t have a problem with pointing out their needs, politely sometimes. But they are selfish and lacking empathy. I don’t think it has anything to do with not being assertive. Not in my experience 🤷♀️
Yup, no problem with pointing out their needs then when you try to fulfill that need they look at you like you’re a dumbass. Christ, the slow mental mind fuck is worse than getting hit.
Good talk. Part of the problem is that when the person with narcissistic tendencies becomes self aware, and makes the commitment to work on himself/herself, they are often dismissed when they’re truly being assertive (not aggressive). They’ve been labeled narcissist (and society looks at this as black and white, they don’t consider that it’s a sliding scale and that one can just have tendencies) and cannot rise above the label. Negative sentiment override and confirmation bias take over. The scarlet letter seems to be there no matter what honest hard work and true change comes about. Even though also human, their needs go unheard and unmet. It’s like having a terminal disease, but even though you’re in remission/recovery, everyone treats you like a lost cause - dead man walking.
@@NonyaSmith true but a bit harsh. There’s supposed to be ownership and work/growth and forgiveness by both parties. That’s the way to reconciliation. God meant marriage until death. I too for a long time endured abuse from her, but I continue to stand for our marriage. With God’s help and both spouses fully committed, I believe any marriage can be saved. She’s divorcing me and I expect it will be final in a few weeks. I’m heartbroken and in the worst pain I’ve ever experienced in all my life.
Unfortunately I have no money for your services, because when I left such person which you just described he as a price for my freedom asked to cover all his debts and it was 400000eur. However maybe my 20 years long experience with that man can help other women sooner identify such person and avoid get involved -
"For the love of God and all that is holy" lol. If you are passive long enough, you will become passive aggressive. Humm. Good things in here thank you.
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Dr. Hawkins when you advertise here you also need to tell the people that the groups are done for Christian people. My husband and I are Muslims, when we enter both the groups, the lady who was doing my group Carmen something keep talking about the bible and then most of the stage for talking was giving to a woman and when it was my time to speak literally she told me to shit up because the time was over. I end up doing the thing with a guy who is in Mexico and my husband end up doing the thing with him too because he was the only one no putting the religion of Christianity and the bible in it and I was very dissatisfy, things went all wrong, it is not the same to do it in a group and have the support of the other participants specially for the men. My husband have been gone and when came back to approach me no one told me how to talk to him and prevent me from making it too easy, no one warn me that he was probably coming back because he was panicking from being alone and because he prospect new supply rejected his marriage proposal while still being married with me, no one told me that he probably as painful as it is he does not love me and he never did and that he is just coming back to check if I am still available for re -using me just as you reuse a plastic bag in the grocery store because he is lonely and not because he loves me, there was no previous training for intervention on how to talk to him to convince him to the the core group and once I did as I could how not to let him loose interest, because I came back together with him and eventually he drop the group. You see all those things are important to tell the women not to believe them so easy. Now He did it again this time I asked him to leave because of the silence treatment again and what happened I am calling Marriage Recovery Center to see if I can do the missing appointments that I paid ( I paid 10 and I only did 2) and I was told "sorry they expired" just like a cup of milk outside the refrigerator. Expired? for real so all that money that I paid went to the trash, money for the core for man and the money for the women group. Now that you have therapist who are no teaching Christianity and the group therapist now my appointments are expired. Not everyone is Christian and if is fate based it should be clear from your videos and before any payment be maid. I feel very bad that I wasted all that money and my relationship is still very bad if not worst now. I always ask if we could talk with you instead, but no doctor Hawkins is so high unreachable. And yes my husband has all those traits that you mention. He is a narcissist covert and aggressive and grandiose too.
We appreciate your honest feedback and will forward it on to our Client Care Team. Please reach out to our Client Care Team with your concerns at (206) 219-0145 or frontdesk@marriagerecoverycenter.com
This kind of behaviour is common from women whether or not they have NPD. I wonder what they find so unfair about a man using these techniques as well?
That what I was thinking. An other thing. Why stay with a Narcissist? They’ll destroy their nearest ones. Pick the most kind, loving individual who they can use and try to twist their mind. The most evil I can imagine is a Narcissistic mother. They have such control and power over those little pure one , from such early age( from birth) horrific thought😱🤯
@@ingegerdtheresesorrell338 That now is profiling 'your opinion' that a Narc mother can be any worst than a "Narc Father" who equally have power over those little pure one as you say.... just my thought on reading your comment. Can be anyone. Thank youi ~
Thanks for your feedback. Our use of the male pronoun does not imply that we believe men are the primary aggressors of this behavior. However it so happens that this is the case with our clientele and the statistics lean slightly in favor of men as far as those who are diagnosed with NPD.
I totally agree and they know what they are doing is wrong. They love to see you upset and get a kick out of it...
That is why it is important to learn how not to get sucked into the emotional quicksand. For more related content, subscribe to our channel or sign up for our newsletters for more helpful articles and videos from our therapists: marriagerecoverycenter.com/mailing-list/
Most of the time unfortunately there is no self-assertiveness in a narcissist, so they are not aware and they are not able to know it's wrong!
@@mirafilipovic5162 Then how is it they "magically" change their behavior to seemingly normal when an outsider comes into the picture?
I understand the way you put it better👍🏻
I think that a narcissistic person does know what they’re doing and they do horrible things to people because that’s how they control you 👍🏻all look she’s having a good day let me do something to throw a monkey wrench in it…. I think they get off on having that kind of power over somebody
My ex-wife was a master of passive aggressive narcissism. During a time in our marriage when we didn't have a lot of money I worked on keeping our cars well maintained. Brake jobs, tune ups, oil changes, etc. There were occasions where I needed her to hold a flashlight or some other type of simple assistance. She would take the opportunity to start peppering me with one question after another before she would even consider holding the flashlight. What was I doing? How did I know this was what was necessary? Was this the best way to do it? On and on, one question after another without end. I could have provided her with a detailed history of the internal combustion engine and she still wouldn't have been convinced to hold the flashlight. I would eventually beg her to just hold the flashlight and her response was "I can't be around you when you're so angry" and then she'd storm off. It never made any sense to me at the time. Why was she like this when I was doing something that was of mutual benefit to both of us. Now I realize she was just getting off on controlling and manipulating me and causing chaos. Thank God we are no longer together.
These people are demon infested meat suits.
The problem is that until the passive aggressive narcisist have not conviction about his problem, he won't learn to be different. Passive aggressive people are always right, or they might say it is my fault but you... more of the passive aggressive behavior. Not easy to deal with this. Very good video!
Bullies maybe, but not truly assertive. Covert narcissist is almost never assertive, but will get angry and tell you things like "My feelings matter" as if you've been horribly dismissive, but really they were the ones to dismiss you and then on top of that they demand that you listen to them...insidious!!
Ridiculous people. U just described the guy I've been dating
I live this comment daily. You are spot on.
yes exactly 💯. I'm so glad someone else pointed this out.
It's ridiculous to assign "assertive" to passive aggressive.
Assertiveness is good quality that reflects alignment with one's values and beliefs. Nothing wrong with that.
A true narcissist is a wolf but in sheep's clothing...their key MO lies in the surprise and shock value.
2:23 2:31
2:23 2:31
I was working hard one day in my job in a warehouse which I loved when out of the blue my boss just pounced on me and verbally attacked me for no reason whatsoever. All I did was ask a question about something I was unsure of and she started attacking me saying I was "forgetting everything" and "should know this stuff by now". I'd only been in the job for a couple of months and there was a lot to learn. I was always putting in extra unpaid hours, happy to do so because I was working in the field of my choice (electronics and LED lighting) and really enjoyed the job. I went the extra mile, doing lots of little bits and pieces that weren't even part of my job description. I genuinely felt that I was doing a great job and yet here she was attacking me and basically accusing me of being useless. Whilst I maintained my composure reasonably well in the moment, on my way home in the car I just went into complete rage. Screaming at the top of my lungs, "Fu$$ You!!! Fu$$ You!!!". How DARE she speak to me like that when I was putting in my absolute best effort and doing so much extra work. And I genuinely was doing a pretty good job, I'd made a few mistakes but isn't that normal?! I was getting better and better. Anyway, I couldn't contain my rage and when I got home I sent my boss an email explaining how inappropriate it was for her to treat me that way and how she'd completely demotivated me by berating me, achieving the exact opposite of what she supposedly wanted. And the next day when I go in I was fired on the spot. She hinted that I had some kind of emotional problems and her partner said to me, "I told you I didn't want drama!". But here's the thing. I was simply doing my job to the best of my ability and all I did was ask a question in a very polite manner. It was my boss who created the drama by speaking to me so condescendingly. She was the one who got emotional for no reason and just pounced on me verbally out of the clear blue sky. Up until that point I'd not been dramatic or emotional in any way whatsoever. And to this day I cannot understand how I could be blamed for creating drama when my boss was the one in the wrong. I sent further emails to them spelling out to them in no uncertain terms all the errors of their ways and it made me feel good to get some payback but at the end of the day, I lost a great job which I enjoyed in my field of choice and I've not had a decent job since. That was now many years ago, and now I pretty much just want to kill myself. I just cannot believe that a person is not allowed to ask a simple question without being attacked. And how I could be treated so incredibly disrespectfully for simply doing my best in a job. It just doesn't make sense to me at all.
She def is a manipulator and gives off "superiority complex" vibes. Who cares how long you've been there we never stop learning. Instead off having a tantrum she should've appreciated the fact that you care so much about your job/company to make sure you understood 100%. Very weird of her to do that and she sounds like hell to be around. I know you feel like you took a L but sometimes we lose what doesn't align with our best. God will take away what doesn't serve you with a bigger and better opportunity. Why stay in a place that is so toxic just for the money? I understand how you feel but trust me there is a better paying job opportunity with people who will respect you. Everything happens for a reason and them letting you go was a blessing in disguise. Telling you from experience, you have to speak your dream job into existence and have faith. Faith with works!
I’ve experienced a similar situation with my boss. She’s passive aggressive and a meanie to work with. Everything I’ve learned in the 3 months of being there I’ve learned by getting yelled at and degraded
@@lisahamrick5185 These sub human cluster F's are infesting the workplace like a cancer. They have ZERO business being put in these managerial positions, yet they are. This world is completely messed up. Everything is backwards.
@@reesedaniel5835💯
I am currently at a job where the manager behaves the exact same way! It makes it so difficult to even want to do a good job at work when these children(!), of any age, are given the position of manager!
I think you nailed it. I was calling it unintentional narcissism. I literally don't know what my husband wants until after he's manipulated things to his way.
Which is indeed very intentional!
Unfortunately so few people know how to practice healthy assertiveness, let alone what that even is. It is a skill that needs to be taught and learned. Thank you for your comment.
Yes, there are passive aggressive narcissists. One problem is they have repressed anger and resentment that they don’t have the ability to face. They also try and control others by being passive aggressive.
Absolutely 💯 wo doubt
Agree 💯 they lack skill from their own childhood experiences.
Also the person on the receiving end may let it continue longer than needed out of fear of retaliation...
I do agree with you however, my husband is a Master at narcissist abuse! If you tried to teach him assertiveness he would twist it into another method to abuse me. In fact, I watched our educated therapist explain to him how to be honest, step by step, how to communicate healthy. Within a week, he was quoting what the therapist taught him, saying that he was given permission to abuse me.
Yes, unfortunately there are those who will use whatever means and opportunity to use what they learn against you, and we can often weed out those who are here to change their relationship as opposed to those with ulterior motives and pretenses. Either way, you will know what it is you have to work with by their response.
Dear dr. Hawkins, it is definitely not possible to teach a narcissist how to be assertive! 😪 You can only teach yourself how to deal with them with the least damage to yourself , or if you are in a position to run away and have no contact, run as fast as you can and do not look back!
One thing I'll say, Dr. David. . . Passive-Aggressive Communication styles are not limited to just men. Women can be equally the same in their own selfishness. Hurt people, hurt people. . .
My Mom is a covert narcissist. All covert narcissists are introverts and they are very passive aggressive because they don’t have the strength to be actually aggressive. Passive aggressiveness is a sign of weakness and poor quality of character.
OK -- I would say 100% yes and my strong impression is that yes, they know what they are doing but many will go to their graves rather than to admit it because plausible deniability is part of how they get their power. Everything is about power and control for them and avoiding accountability
I am 60, and have spent a lifetime around overt and covert narcissists. Unless, and until, they personally are exhausted by all their deep issues (where all the aggressive, passive, and passive-agressive behavior springs from) and begins to deal with those head-on, and do the extensive inner work, nothing will be helpful. I have seen that they just learn "better tactics" to employ for their intense need to control and manipulate everyone around them. They do not want to mature and grow-up, regardless of their age, or they would be doing that already on their own.
As long as no one is affected but his partner, it doesn't matter. His image as a great guy is not affected.
I left town.
Yes, the image is most important (to a narcissist)
Their false image is their shield. They have all those people completely duped so they can abuse the person of their choice and that person won't be believed.
Yes I agree! And my journey to discovering Narcissistic abuse,started with reading this book “Living with the passive aggressive man” by Scott Wetzler
Thanks for your comment. Dr. Hawkins has also authored many books on this topic, including "When Loving Him is Hurting You: Hope and Help for Women Dealing With Narcissism and Emotional Abuse."
This is my husband and I agree 100% with you. I've only been married a little over 5 years and very exhausted from this man. I worked today and told him he got a break from me and now this evening he goes upstairs to bed and says nothing to me. I'm like whatever as I'm ready to end this anyway. Thank you for the video.
Go he won't change just petulant 5yr old in adult body.
Hope you ditched that loser. I'm stuck with one (26 years and counting) and I can tell you, they only get worse with time. If I had known now what I knew then I'd have ran far away from him long ago. Now I'm completely trapped.
Agree very much so. You are describing my husband to a tee. He is unable to assert himself while caring about me. He gets what he wants, or what he think he wants, being passive aggressive with me. I have been a victim for over 25 years. Healing the last 10 years. Just discovered you!
So glad to hear you are healing and that you found us! Subscribe to our channel for more related content, or sign up for our newsletters for helpful articles and videos from our therapists sent to your inbox: marriagerecoverycenter.com/mailing-list/
They have a problem for every solution
And no good deed on your part goes unpunished (picked apart, critcized, ignored).
Great video. subbed. I have some neighbors that are like this. Very good at playing the victim. It took me long enough to realize that it doesn't matter how nice you are to a bully they will always harass, gaslight etc. The worst thing you can do is react and feed into their disgusting behavior. Ignore and don't give any reaction. Act like they don't exist.
Glad you have boundaries and are not allowing yourself to get sucked into their crazy making behaviors. If you found this video helpful, subscribe to our channel for more related content, or sign up for our newsletters for helpful articles and videos from our therapists sent to your inbox: marriagerecoverycenter.com/mailing-list/
Easier said than done when every fiber of your being yearns to bash their teeth in.
For a decade I have been living with a man I have come to define as autistic, passive aggressive, narcisist. (None diagnosed)
I believe that based on his autistic inability, he is constantly in anxiety and stress. His only way to deal with that is to be controlling and abusive. He was raised in a passive aggressive home, which taught him how to get his control while still keeping those around him questioning... which helps his anxiety...
It is either beleiving this... or believing I live with, married, and had children with evil... and I cannot believe that when my kids and I all have to deal with him for the rest of our lives... I whole heartedly beleive in passive aggressive narcissists!!!!!!! Because I have lived it and almost died in that environment!
Oh my...this is my story 😳 Almost died...I have fibro and chronic fatigue. He even has a diagnose of autism which is common for fragile introverted sensitive narcs who are passive agressive. I lost everything. Almost 4 years in recovery and it has been hell...still not out of the woods. But learned so much. He traumatised me to the core together with his parents.
He sarcastically agrees with me shaking his head it is soooo incredibly frustrating along with all the sneaky behavior the gaslighting his favorite thing for him to say is I don’t care he’s a liar he is passive aggressive
Spot on, Dr Hawkins!
Encouraging aggression boosts their ego in my experience with my partner they just became verbally aggressive not assertive, the tact won’t be there…ever
I have dad , grandpa, neighbour .some foregin people i don't know they always attack and abuse my emotion with fake Cough and fake throat clearing. ITS annoying yes.
Avoidance of one’s partner. Pretending to work when really just being out of the house but at a park for 2 hours. Yes.
I agree! But how do you get a passive-aggressive person to be assertive? How do they even recognize their passiveness?
This video helped me also to see how my withdrawal is passive-aggressive.
We have programs that teach assertive communication using DBT. If you are interested in learning more about it, please reach out to our office at (206) 219-0145 or info@marriagerecoverycenter.com
It is not possible to teach them assertiveness, you have to accept that you can not change or heal them, unless and that is very rare they become aware and want to go through a therapy!
My female neighbour is a passive aggressive narcissist. She has no idea what she wants, she just doesn't want me to have what I want. .
Like you, I also suffer from the same thing, but on a more level of relationship, all of which are fake, unfortunately.!
He was so passive aggressive it killed my interest in our relationship. He tried to call it his humor but he was always dismissing my feelings and ideas in favor of his own. One day he “joked” that it was my fault I didn’t get my way for not being assertive enough. He called it talking **** but it was the straw that broke the camels back
Both passivity, passive aggression and aggression are all unhealthy forms of relating and destroy connection. If there is anything we can help you with, please reach out to us at marriagerecoverycenter.com/contact-us/
"A bully folds every time"- Tyson Fury
I am a man .......Wow I was told she couldn't be both ! But I always knew she was . Thanks. She's now affecting my 19 years old son's life.. 😪
Yes, sadly it does impact the family and anyone they are in relationship with. Here is a video that addresses women narcissists specifically: ua-cam.com/video/HksJxJyqpdw/v-deo.html
Yes, I agree.
I'm so confused. I know that my mother is a narcissist, this much is very clear. But I'm starting to wonder if my father is also a narcissist? The "woe is me" kind who is always the "victim" of everything. On the surface, he seems like one of the nicest people one could know. But in reality he is painfully cruel. It's a cruelness I don't really know how to explain. He's not violent, just wicked and vengeful to the core. Yesterday was Thanksgiving and it's clear that he felt slighted by something I said, did, or did not do (I have no clue) because today is my birthday and he did not acknowledge this at all. No phone call, nothing, a passive/aggressive retaliation for something that angered him. I felt a vibe during Thanksgiving accompanied by chest pains because I could sense he was displeased about something. I've spent the day wondering what I could have possibly done wrong (any number of things). But I'm also starting to wonder if the person who is quick to point out narcissism in others, my dad, is in fact a narcissist himself? I'm terrified at the thought.
No they can't effectively state their needs and will obstruct the actions of others in an attempt to undermine others. The two year old can't state their needs and become angry when their needs are not meet. They need to speak about their needs not just devaluing others. Most narcs I have met have some or a lot of alexithymia.
When they say I say what I think that's probably some form of manipulation. Yes they need to be assertive.
Here’s my issue: I’m ultra competitive and want to win. There are few they want to win like I do. I’m forced to play with those who don’t want to win, and I come off passive aggressive for catering my message to their lack will power and determination psyche. It’s like having to accomplish a goal when you rely upon someone you know will fail. Assertiveness won’t work, aggressiveness won’t work. Some people have to fly solo.
Yes, agree with it all.
Why would anyone waste their time treating a narcissist
We are all broken in some way to some degree and on a journey to relate well to ourselves and others. If someone desires help, and science has shown that the brain can be rewired, and we believe in the value of all human beings, and we are trained to help, why not?
@drdavidbhawkins cause they cant be rewired and will waste your time that could be given to people that actually need it. A therapist is supply for a narcissist
I agree!!! I think they would rather be seen as assertive rather than aggressive…that would make them look good. So maybe they would,as long as, they receive the primary benefits of such action…..(ofcourse)😂
Just because they are being controlled by demons! My husband is a narc and he talks about what he hear in mind how to behave..
in my professional onion many men resemble passive aggressive behavior after dealing with narcissistic women in reactive abuse and trauma.
Shifting blame and no accountability. Typical
What about the female passive aggressive narcissist?
I have 34 years of experience….
Absolutely, women especially tend to fall more in the passive aggressive category.
@@drdavidbhawkins Curious you omitted that in your video. Or is this a case of catering to your audience?
As a man with my wife for 35 years with constant never ending hate , I’ve always thought learn to live with it for the sake of the family, but it’s getting too much, my earnings are now very low as is my health not great and I think I’ll be dead soon so it doesn’t matter. She refuses to work so if I manage to get a small flat ( not likely in England) the family home that my children and grandchildren rely on will be gone . What should I do , bearing in mind she’s very aggressive and we don’t/can’t speak ?
I can’t have a mature intelligent conversation with him
It's like being married to a neanderthal.
what does it mean to be passive and aggressive Police Officer?
My issue is coming from siblings. Not my spouse. Through texts messages. The condiscending, patronizing texts. I feel they’re meant to get an angry reaction from me. No matter what I say in response to the constant bullying. They’ve also sent other family members after me to continue some kind of attack. Contacting my children. How do I handle this?
These are attempts to get a reaction out of you, so don't let it. Stay focused on what you know to be true, not what they are saying about you or to you. If we don't have an anchor, we will allow others to control our emotions, thoughts and behaviors.
@@drdavidbhawkins thank you. I’m trying to allow dust to settle. Keeping my distance.
Break contact, it seems that you are the scapegoat of the family.
My narcissistic brother, shouts thru the walls, whenever I use the staircase to my room. He shouts passive-aggressively '"Oh, he's doing his sports/fitness training again" (He=me, 3rd person, very passive aggressive). He says it because he can hear my steps on the stairs. It's obnoxious and annoying! What can I do? Thanks for your help!
My problem is if i am assertive, nothing will be solved afterwards
Yes, there is passive aggressive narcissism. I think our priest is this way and it is awful. He never thinks he is in the wrong and what’s weird is at the end of the day I feel bad and guilty. He is so cunning that a lot of people can not see it.
Yes, passive aggressive narcissism is equally, if not more harmful than the overtly aggressive kind.
Probably dismissive avoidant attachment style to the extreme. No they don't use words they lack emotional intelligence. These men and women need to learn healthy assertiveness.
Agreed, emotional immaturity and lack of emotional IQ leads to all kinds of problems. Thanks for your feedback
I now live in Utah, haha... yes, I’m in the land of Passive Aggressive Narcissism!
Hope you found this helpful, thanks for your comment
No I disagree. They are passive aggressive and aggressive and assertive, they don’t have a problem with pointing out their needs, politely sometimes. But they are selfish and lacking empathy. I don’t think it has anything to do with not being assertive. Not in my experience 🤷♀️
Yup, no problem with pointing out their needs then when you try to fulfill that need they look at you like you’re a dumbass. Christ, the slow mental mind fuck is worse than getting hit.
He? From a assertive, sarcastic man... Did you get your psychology degree from Wesleyan or Vassar College?
Good talk. Part of the problem is that when the person with narcissistic tendencies becomes self aware, and makes the commitment to work on himself/herself, they are often dismissed when they’re truly being assertive (not aggressive). They’ve been labeled narcissist (and society looks at this as black and white, they don’t consider that it’s a sliding scale and that one can just have tendencies) and cannot rise above the label. Negative sentiment override and confirmation bias take over. The scarlet letter seems to be there no matter what honest hard work and true change comes about. Even though also human, their needs go unheard and unmet. It’s like having a terminal disease, but even though you’re in remission/recovery, everyone treats you like a lost cause - dead man walking.
This is exactly my experience. Thank you for articulating.
That is profound and well said.
It's the price you pay for the damage you've caused in the relationship.
@@NonyaSmith true but a bit harsh. There’s supposed to be ownership and work/growth and forgiveness by both parties. That’s the way to reconciliation. God meant marriage until death. I too for a long time endured abuse from her, but I continue to stand for our marriage. With God’s help and both spouses fully committed, I believe any marriage can be saved. She’s divorcing me and I expect it will be final in a few weeks. I’m heartbroken and in the worst pain I’ve ever experienced in all my life.
@@alexarguelles2800praying for you all.
They're great at Manipulation 🥵
i see a patteen with my mother. she only eats out with me when inviting other pple. but shes never interested in dining out if its just me.
Unfortunately I have no money for your services, because when I left such person which you just described he as a price for my freedom asked to cover all his debts and it was 400000eur. However maybe my 20 years long experience with that man can help other women sooner identify such person and avoid get involved -
"For the love of God and all that is holy" lol. If you are passive long enough, you will become passive aggressive. Humm. Good things in here thank you.
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Dr. Hawkins when you advertise here you also need to tell the people that the groups are done for Christian people. My husband and I are Muslims, when we enter both the groups, the lady who was doing my group Carmen something keep talking about the bible and then most of the stage for talking was giving to a woman and when it was my time to speak literally she told me to shit up because the time was over. I end up doing the thing with a guy who is in Mexico and my husband end up doing the thing with him too because he was the only one no putting the religion of Christianity and the bible in it and I was very dissatisfy, things went all wrong, it is not the same to do it in a group and have the support of the other participants specially for the men. My husband have been gone and when came back to approach me no one told me how to talk to him and prevent me from making it too easy, no one warn me that he was probably coming back because he was panicking from being alone and because he prospect new supply rejected his marriage proposal while still being married with me, no one told me that he probably as painful as it is he does not love me and he never did and that he is just coming back to check if I am still available for re -using me just as you reuse a plastic bag in the grocery store because he is lonely and not because he loves me, there was no previous training for intervention on how to talk to him to convince him to the the core group and once I did as I could how not to let him loose interest, because I came back together with him and eventually he drop the group. You see all those things are important to tell the women not to believe them so easy. Now He did it again this time I asked him to leave because of the silence treatment again and what happened I am calling Marriage Recovery Center to see if I can do the missing appointments that I paid ( I paid 10 and I only did 2) and I was told "sorry they expired" just like a cup of milk outside the refrigerator. Expired? for real so all that money that I paid went to the trash, money for the core for man and the money for the women group. Now that you have therapist who are no teaching Christianity and the group therapist now my appointments are expired. Not everyone is Christian and if is fate based it should be clear from your videos and before any payment be maid. I feel very bad that I wasted all that money and my relationship is still very bad if not worst now. I always ask if we could talk with you instead, but no doctor Hawkins is so high unreachable. And yes my husband has all those traits that you mention. He is a narcissist covert and aggressive and grandiose too.
We appreciate your honest feedback and will forward it on to our Client Care Team. Please reach out to our Client Care Team with your concerns at (206) 219-0145 or frontdesk@marriagerecoverycenter.com
"These men"?!?!?! Im married to a covert /passive aggressive woman...
They ste sissys
😂sounds like you just want info from us, not really to teach us anything. Waste of time.
This kind of behaviour is common from women whether or not they have NPD. I wonder what they find so unfair about a man using these techniques as well?
That what I was thinking. An other thing. Why stay with a Narcissist? They’ll destroy their nearest ones. Pick the most kind, loving individual who they can use and try to twist their mind. The most evil I can imagine is a Narcissistic mother. They have such control and power over those little pure one , from such early age( from birth) horrific thought😱🤯
@@ingegerdtheresesorrell338 That now is profiling 'your opinion' that a Narc mother can be any worst than a "Narc Father" who equally have power over those little pure one as you say.... just my thought on reading your comment. Can be anyone. Thank youi ~
Uh….it’s not just men! Why do you label men as the primary aggressor of this behavior?
Thanks for your feedback. Our use of the male pronoun does not imply that we believe men are the primary aggressors of this behavior. However it so happens that this is the case with our clientele and the statistics lean slightly in favor of men as far as those who are diagnosed with NPD.