Emotional laws are the answer for better relationships: Diana Wais at TEDxThessaloniki
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- Опубліковано 19 чер 2014
- Nuclear physics, astronomy and molecular biology truly lack complexity when they are juxtaposed to one word: relationships. Interpersonal relationships represent probably one of the most complicated ideas that have troubled the human mind.
Whether it's aristocracy, models, professional athletes or every day couples they all face the same difficulty of making their relationships work. Diana Wais talked about how "we are all the same" and how we respond with criticism when we feel threatened by words.
However, it is important to "respond to the other person's need with empathy", she said. It is difficult to understand when you are being emotional and when irrational. Her most valid point though was that, as individuals, we need to conquer the unconscious emotions and understand that essentially, we are all fighting the same internal fight.
In the spirit of ideas worth spreading, TEDx is a program of local, self-organized events that bring people together to share a TED-like experience. At a TEDx event, TEDTalks video and live speakers combine to spark deep discussion and connection in a small group. These local, self-organized events are branded TEDx, where x = independently organized TED event. The TED Conference provides general guidance for the TEDx program, but individual TEDx events are self-organized.* (*Subject to certain rules and regulations)
Method:
Be aware of yourself and how you feel
Don’t take it personally, there’s probably something else going on
Remain centred on your values instead of being defensive
Respond in kindness to the other persons need first
ive had problems with relationships all my life, i say, do the wrong thing, destroy any chance of happiness, this is good, basic advice, thank you.
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1 24 1
year 1
year pm1
Summarize:
»Awareness.
»Avoid getting triggered.
»Respond to the other person's need FIRST with love and empathy.
Questions you need to ask urself when ur getting triggered:
1. What's getting triggered in me?
2. What am I afraid of?
3. What's underneath of that?
4. What do i need to heal in me to not respond like this again in thr future?
Indoo 😄
Thank you man!
When you are triggered, ask yourself:
1) What is being triggered?
2) What am I afraid of?
2) What is underneath that?
3) How do I need to heal to ensure it doesnt happen in the future?
We have a rational brain and an emotional brain, and the emotional just overrides the rational. We need to understand the dynamics of how emotions work in all of us if we are to handle relationships well. Actually the same emotional dynamics work inside every single person.
Emotional intelligence. First healed and become healthy; then awareness and practice, respond to the other person's need first with love and empathy (in faith and emotional laws)
Very nicely said 😊
Great presentation. Don’t take anger personally. Avoid getting triggered. Stay in your kindness.
Well summarised!
I never thought about this before, but honestly why isn't there a "Social Interactions" subject in schools?
MsBuchnerd - Amelie or how to cope properly when situations dont go your way
Because schools are designed to make you disciplined pliant employees, not well rounded informed people.
It usually doesn't come until college or university. Usually there's a class called "Interpersonal Communication."
like so much else in life, school just assumes your were taught at home or you'll simply pick it up and it has nothing to do with them. Ironic for an institution where day long attendance for your entire childhood is mandatory. And I'm not saying I oppose mandatory schooling at all, I oppose schools taking so much of your life while simultaneously thinking they are responsible for so little of it.
Sociology! It's lesser known than psychology but still a great subject. Not really taught in younger schools, but you can major in it in college.
'You cannot be triggered into an emotional reaction unless there is a receptor field inside you that's interacting with the trigger.'
This is something all empathic people understand of others instinctually, and it's wonderful to be defined so clearly.
Wud u mind explaining to me in another words plz???
*.*
It's finding that receptor field that's the tricky part.
@@thehorsebackheroine5950 thank...think i get that!!!
* . *
Yes! That was such a beautifully worded sentence!
Omg THAT PART!!! if I don’t remember anything from this video, I will always remember that.
Her solution doesnt work with narcissistic personalities... it just leads to continued abuse and misery for the empath.
We are not all the same.
Based on my research about narcissism, the only reaction we should have to it is escape
Thank you for holding space for us in this thread. I genuinely appreciate your thoughtfulness. ❤️
I was with a narcissist and it nearly killed me. Literally. Yes these solutions don't work in abuse
Her and all these other types. Even John Gottman doesn’t take narcissism into account. And even more important, narcissism is on the raise, so the need for therapists to be trained in recognizing it is urgent. I’m almost divorced from a covert passive aggressive emotional abusive husband who I was married for 22 years and 12 was in therapy, none caught it til I did haphazardly then when I told them I was dismissed. There is also something called therapy induced trauma, I’m the poster girl
You are right. It doesn't work with a narcissist. How did you get out.? I feel stuck
Yes we need to teach our children how to identify and handle their emotions.
DBT needs to be taught in H.S. (well anyone at anytime)
I agree with you. There is more to this.
How emotional intelligence develops easiest in children- it with a connected caregiver. It’s not always possible for parent figures to connected well with their children when they have work to get to, to keep a roof over their heads.
What is the real consequences of separating small children from parents to go into daycares where they can’t possibly get the same attention as an attentive parent could give them?
Also the early focus on child education.. does focus on academic achievement hinder development delay of emotional intelligence? There are many people who are very clever and well educated but difficuilt to work with as they lack empathy, sensitivity for others feelings and can only see the measurable goal at hand.. Is society at large been creating ‘workers’ rather than a feeling caring humanity?
She deserved way more laughs, the hilarious, classy, gorgeous, intelligent woman that she is! I reeeeaaallly enjoyed this.. I get it now.. Click.
Eve Louise LOL
psychiatry has damaged me to the point that i cannot laugh. FML.
I don’t know what was hilarious but okay
Agreed!
Maybe people weren’t laughing because they were pre-occupied with self reflection (at least that’s what I was doing). Every time she said something that resonated with me, I paused in my head and reflected on my life. I also tried to apply her tips to my life as she was speaking lol . My brain just be everywhere. Laughing was not in the equation because I was too busy trying to practice her method 😩💕
Unfortunately the seeds of doubt and fears are planted in our childhood and get reinforced by those who trigger us. I remember when I was 4 riding my tricycle with my long curly hair flowing and tassels on my handlebars without a care in the world feeling invincible ... that was a time when no one could trigger me ... we can’t be children forever but we can get back to that invincible feeling of self love and happiness in our hearts. It takes restraint and loving others and not being reactionary to everything everyone says to us. I now counteract negativity with positive loving responses. It works 💜
once bitten twice shy.
I totally agree, thanks for sharing!
very true! any advice on how to stop being so reactionary? much love
Wow, I've been watching and reading talks on the subject, all the while building this idea that I need to start over and rebuild myself. Your comment struck so deeply that my eyes started watering. I'm a 35 year old man and never cry. Thank you, I found something in your words that had changed my mind. Everyone deserves a second chance at love, I hope you read this
Isn't it when someone else pulls the trigger, that we lose that innocent child? We should not react to others. Their opinion is none of our business. We should just be Who We Are
I think youtube found out I was emotional, empathetic & going through something from my search topics! 😂 lol!
Rachel Ramirez
That’s funny Rachel!:) 😂
Their algorithms were calculation your heart feelings 😆 💕 impressive, huh? 😅
Pretty cool how that happens.
It had guided me to some extraordinary videos
I personally think it's creepy, but yes, it's the search analytics & algorithms. Happens to everyone... they're tracking us. 🤤😧
I had been watching these videos and the likes of these for a while now, they ease the pain but i don’t think this trauma is ever gonna go away. Good thing i have support from family and friends to keep me going. I never knew how lightly society takes infidelity and betrayal. Its almost like telling me, if there is a relationship, there will be infidelity. So don’ t be complacent with your relationship. Where is love and commitment here?
I think the speakers points are valid and pretty well explained. The aim is to limit 'excessive' response by understanding the cause and thus reducing conflict.
But even with understanding not every relationship, personal or professional, is fixable as the speaker demonstrated. Especially if the other half of the equation is unresponsive.
Sometimes the anger is righteous and all you can do is try to limit the damage to yourself and innocent bystanders.
Zanderpus Ward i was watching a few videos on the stoic philosophy today. I guess someone is trying to tell me something. Stoic is not the same but teaches you how to responde because they believe in cause and effect. So the goal is to cause less ripples.
It’s true you can’t make every relationship work. But you can practice this kind of self mastery in all situations that will make you happier and stronger regardless.
@@tjpm Investigating Stoicism now. The "Label" itself indicates the most direct route to Emotional Intelligence and/or the most profound insight to achieve exactly that.......and I hope that's a correct assumption!
This is something I’m very good at. The day I left my ex I was using all of these skills and showing that patience and understanding and I could just see he wasn’t capable of that and the more kindness, calm and understanding I showed the worse he treated me so I left as that’s when I knew things would never get better
I also tried to show compassion and understanding.., the more I was emotionally and verbally abused.
@@cascadeserenity3484 oh yeah it just feeds it and makes it worse. Been 18 months now and I had a dream about him last night for the first time in a long time. Glad to say I’m out of that situation. The months that followed were really tough but it was only going to get worse not better
Y'all did the right thing. Those exes need professional therapy. If we aren't being believed when we're telling the truth in earnest, then that's effectively the end of the conversation.
This video changed my life! I had to watch it about 5 times to understand it totally. Things with my girlfriend kept getting worse, and I kept trying to fix it. She was at the point where I did everything to fix it, she took it as a negative, instead of something positive. So it kept snow balling.... the more I tried to fix it, the worse it got. Now her and I understand why, and can keep fixing it together... with good attitudes. Thanks so much!! Where can I find more videos of your talks? Didn't see anymore on UA-cam.
:( it happens
Did you guys ended up together ?
itzel Hedrick Sounds like they did.
“Now her and I understand why, and can keep fixing it together “. I was hoping for a positive ending!
Thank you for sharing
thats great,... def helps to have a partner who is willing to change.... =\
Thank you 😊
Wowww!she should teach at a university as a class. Talented and intelligent woman! GOD BLESS HER
This is nearly identical to the concepts and skills that DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) lays out. It was developed particularly for people struggling with mood lability, emotional dysregulation, and interpersonal issues. Whether you suffer from a mental illness, that exasperates these human qualities or not, this is such valuable information for a better quality life. I loved the way she explained it, in a palatable sense for most people to understand. And want!
This made my eyes close to tears meantime flushed with happiness for realizing something I never knew
Many narcs/borderline abuse survivors commenting here, including myself. We must understand: it was our lack of emotional intelligence that made us get involved (and stay in the cicle of abuse) with cluster B's. Western society should know that not being emotionally intelligent can literally cost your life.
Very poignant. I like your view.
This is one of the great Tedx I have watched. Great lessons. Great speaker. Thanks for sharing!
Ask yourself those 4 question when u get triggered
Whats getting triggered in me
What am i afriad if
What lies underneath that
What do i need to heal in myself
You can heal you receptor fields so that u dont get triggered that easily
Boom 👊🏼
Thank you for this written recap--i was looking for it right away ;)
What if YOU are G o d and you just had to re member. There is no separation that;t the ill us ion
"Man with his burning soul
Has but an hour of breath
To build a ship of truth
In which his soul may sail-
Sail on the sea of death,
For death takes toll
Of beauty, courage, youth,
Of ALL
but TRUTH …" ~John Masefield
Sorry about your perspective, Sarah... "what ifs" won't save you
What's getting triggered in me
What am I afraid of what lies underneath that
What do I need to heal in myself
THANK YOU SO FOR your CLEAR explanation and all your work!!!! I feel MUCH more human now🤗 MUCH LOVE💛💚💙💖❤ Eva, Belgium
awareness+avoid getting triggered+respond the other persons need first with love and emphaty
I think most beatiful part of this speech is the personal story she told. It begins in 7:11.
What I've tried to develop is an appreciation for others that point out to me how I annoy them, either through direct, serious words, or in humor (which I usually ask for confirmation). Then I assess if they are 100% valid, partly accurate, or being prideful in offense because that's where they are in life. Sometimes it's a mix of all three.
Quiet time and delayed feedback is a must because usually my first impression is somewhat off. The life lessons that we have hardwired into us about "first impressions" is not a valid tool to apply in close, or a desire to be close, relationships. It's valid in professional relationships but there must be dividers in our reaction centers (our brains) so that we remain aware of this. peace...
Now, my biggest challenge is distinguishing when I am being triggered and when my intuition is telling me there is something truly off about the situation. For instance, let say you suddenly notice a change in how your partner interacts with you. He is no longer as consistent in checking how you are, and becomes a bit distant. Would I be responding with "emotional trigger" if I suspect that there is someone else in the picture? I mean where is the line between "listening to your intuition", analyzing one's inconsistent behavior and getting triggered? I would appreciate if someone could enlighten me. Thank you :)
Responding to your intuition is built in, there is nothing wrong with responding to your intuition. The way in which you respond is what is important. You can be emotionally triggered by something and something can be wrong at the same time. Our behaviors will defend our needs. We only get to chose how we respond to situations...not how other people react to us. Do what you feel is right in any given scenario, in a balanced and healthy manner.
I wouldn't suggest becoming a detective to ferret anything out, but maybe take a minute to find out compassionately if there's something going on for your partner that's caused it. Stress you don't know about, struggling with work or family, just having an off few days. Be open to understanding their struggles, and they might offer their struggles and let you help (even if you helping is just giving them half an hour to decompress).
Being open to discussing issues without the threat of anger lingering, and actively listening to their feelings with love and acceptance of them as a person, can really help someone talk through things with you. You can both work through issues if you both really want the relationship to work.
Yes. ^ ^
But also, ALWAYS TRUST your gut feeling. It’s there to protect you too.
Omg meee tooo 😫 My gut feelings are so strong sometimes that I get lauded for them by others who were unable to see the moment for what it was, and in hindsight realize that I was three steps ahead of them socially. But then I have moments where I’m like “no, I still feel weird about the way that I handled that.” And those are clearly moments where I was triggered and lead by more than rationale.
Mirror: What's keeping him distant? Is he troubled by something? Is he okay?
Trigger:Underneath
"He is probably having an affair. Something is definitely off."
I don't trust that someone will be faithful and honest to me.
"He doesn't truly love me": I am not lovable.
We can always make a story of behaviors. Sometimes we are damn right, sometimes not. What I think can help lessen/avoid the damage is to ask.
Ask yourself: am just being triggered by something?
Ask the person in a compassionate and respectful way:
"Honey, I respect and I love you. I just need to clear something off my chest for me. ......." - The intention is to clear yourself and not to prove yourself right.
Those a-ha moments when someone has the ability to explain things in a way that resonates…
Ted talks are amazing resources.
Wonderful wonderful wonderful. This is so good, I listened to it twice. Every part is a gem.
So informative, and powerful! Thank you for your inspirational energy, Diana! 😍🙏🌹
Yes! Yes! Yes! I know exactly what you are speaking about. We need to teach our children these tools so they can grow up feeling happy and whole.
EXACTLY RIGHT
Although it would be helpful to know more about how to put it all into practice. It's one thing knowing it, it's another making it work and healing our broken emotions.
Hello
We need to educate our children to grow up to be better equipped adults... what a great TED talk! Thanx ☺️
You are , as of now, in my rewatch folder. 🙂
Beautiful. Im busy healing my receptive fields.
Next time you get triggered ask yourself the following four questions:
1-What's getting triggered in me?
2 What am I afraid of?
3-What's underneath of that?
4-What do I need to heal in me to not respond like this again?
She speaks clearly. I mean, her pronunciation is perfect for me. My native languague is spanish.
Finally, a spokesperson who doesn't believe in the BS that logic alone without emotions can solve all problems.
Love this. This is deep and must be listened to every day to be practical in ourselves. Thank you Diana.
Do you need spiritual help, spell caster to cure all kind of diseases. *pregnancy spell
*Financial spell *promotion spell
*Voodoo spell
*Ex back spell
*Love spell
*Reconsciliation spell
*Lottery spell
*Revenge spell
*Herbs
*Cancer and fibroid cure
*Curse breaker
*weightloss and more message me up with faith if you are interested about my service?
The mountain analogy is connecting so well, in the age of abundance EQ is everything to care for others.
Very helpful video! As a person who is looking to regulate my emotions this video is very helpful. Thank you!
Wow so amazing and confirmed something’s in my own relationship. Yes I have triggers but so does my spouse. Triggers need to be healed for all not just one party (me) like I’ve been told by my therapist and spouse.
Thank you so much... for the insight.
This was inspiring. Listened from beginning till end and took notes. Now who shall I tempt into an argument haha. No really I loved the moment of looking internally. Thanks for this talk.
Iwas searching everywhere for this ted talk, I've finally found it, a true classic!!!
awareness.... receptor field....that's how the way brain works...what do I need to heal in myself....we're all the same.. wow! great presentation, very clear!
Beautiful talk--amazing.Will add something. The practice of mindfulness--particularly regular sitting in stillness and focusing on a mantra or the breath for minimum 20 minutes at a time--can help us get more time in those moments between a trigger and reaction. The four questions are brilliant and undeniably necessary as a framework, but when you are in the middle of being triggered, it helps to have built up the part of you (through regular sitting) that can detach long enough to reduce any damage and then go inside and apply the four steps. Just thoughts. Not to take away from this talk but perhaps add to it in a humble way. It's brilliant!
Yes, and mindfulness creates space between reaction and response so, after asking the four questions as Diana proposes - as my teacher, Zen Master Jun Po says: "ask the other person; 'help me understand?"
wow! thanks for that, thats what was missing
From certain angles this woman and I look so similar. Her home-made slides are so sweet. I feel like I learned a lot from this, thank you.
This was beautiful. Thank you so much 💓
A new perspective from Diana helps me signify more about the profound connection of relationship and the emotional law of it. Whenever having conflicts with partners or our beloved, we have to calm down,depress our triggered emotion so that we can solve pur problems easily❤
“The laws of emotion”
❤️
Thank you 🙏
Waouh ! I can just cry by hearing you ! Thank you so much Diana.
GRAND messages!!!!!!
Wonderful
Heal your receptor fields. -
1. What's getting triggered in me?
2. What am I afraid of ?
3. What's underneath of that?
4. What do I need to heal in me to not respond like this I'm future?
Go Diana! Wonderful talk.
Humble yet profoundly enlightening
Such a sincere speaker!
Great speaker and confidence well done
This was phenomenal thank you so much
38% of population has experienced emotional abuse on average of 7 years.
(Many don’t even know it)
43% of people have an insecure attatchment.
Emotionally abusive people tend not to even know they are abusive.
And the people who claim they would never do this, also tend to be often the most likley to do so.
It’s self deception that really breeds these issues.
If I could many 👍🏽 I would. Thank you, Diana!
Outstanding TEDX! Thank you:):):)
Thank you!🙏✨💫
Fantastic speech! I have shared this with clients. Thank you for your video.
it is beautiful! thank you very much.
She is amazing!!!!
Great Talk! Thank you for the insight!
That was absolutely brilliant.
Beautiful explainations👍🏻👍🏻
What a fantastic, coherent and accurate speech! Congratulations!
Such a great talk. Loved listening to her, will do it again soon :)
What ive learned is that we run WITH our parents emotions, far and near. I also learn that our feelings in a group could actually be the exact feeling the person in front of you is feeling, like a giude to feeling their emotions. Sow your feelings are not your own but a tool to better understand the man in front of you.
Me too. I sometimes feel like a mirror and there are certain people I can't get away from quick enough because their presence and behaviour actually makes me feel physically unwell.
REALLY LOVE TED ,JUST DISCOVERED IT
this is amazing thank you
Kudos to the editing and cameras the placements and movements are really cool
Yup I thought I was the only few who haven't got their lives sorted out by the age of near 30, I thought I was the only few who were born with so much internal struggle and fear. I found this video very helpful as I was getting triggered again yesterday and now I probably can deal with it with some new perspectives. Thank you
Me too nearing 30's still struggling in life..
No one has their life together, trust me
I'm 35..still struggling.
Amazing advice thank you.
Regarding responding to fights with loving responses - I think it depends on what you are fighting about and also whether your partner is actually right for you... sometimes you need to stand your ground. Sometimes you need to (without being abusive) be stern so that the other person understands how serious you are about the issue. Sometimes you just need to have and remember that crushing feeling of disappointment / hurt / anger because you need this to break it off with and get over the person you are with because they are wrong for you.
But overall this talk is great and very helpful if you’re in a relationship with the right person
7:20. I realized I'm her in the story. Def need to work on healing my emotional receptors.
Amazing talk, thank you 🙏🏾
Thank you so much for this. Where are some in person seminars on this around the nation? I’m just getting time to learn this about myself and I love the work as it gives me so much hope and emotional nutrition.
Good video! Best relatable line for me..."You have an emotional brain & it can & will override your rationale brain".
This is really an useful lecturer.. thank you TED
Great... Eye opener♥
Brilliant video. She shared some meaningful insights
Thank you!
Very helpful message. I have learnt something new
I learned so much from this !
Welcome to the human family ❤️
Beautiful & true 🌸 Thank U 🙏🏽🤗🌻
Thank you x
Diana,
You are amazing! Thank you for sharing your insights.
Hello my dear friend
Thanks you too so so nice to meet you
Very smart, straightforward. Great advice and she’s so sweet! 😊
Do you need spiritual help, spell caster to cure all kind of diseases. *pregnancy spell
*Financial spell *promotion spell
*Voodoo spell
*Ex back spell
*Love spell
*Reconsciliation spell
*Lottery spell
*Revenge spell
*Herbs
*Cancer and fibroid cure
*Curse breaker
*weightloss and more message me up with faith if you are interested about my service?
Love to hear it’s very supportive
Good info!
Superb lady..
U gave such great insights
Fantastic Ted Talk. This was so much help
Very informative and insightful❤❤
This is a life-changing talk. Very well worth your time.
It is opting for giving the benefit if the doubt first and always...otherwise you are opting to accuse and abuse without evidence for your suspicions...this will tear down your relationship and if you are wrong you just damage and throw away an innocent person...or drive them to do what you keep accusing them of
One of the best Ted talks I ever heard
Reading and learning from others our entire life is necessary for us to experience a lifetime of learning.
Thank you 😊
So unfortunate that the majority of malignant Cluster B personality types refuse therapy. Also, never go to couples therapy with your abuser because everything they observe will be used against you in the future.
rachel gerrard The world is funny
I'm sorry you've had such pain.
@@jjandregg693 Thank you.
can you explain what is cluster B personality type??
@@Leen95M sociopaths, malignant narcissists , psychopaths.
The video is so educating...♡♡♡