My wife and I fell in love when she was 14 and I wad 15. Together 60 years and married 54 years. We were never out of love with each other until she passed away.
I have had many partners in my day, and I can tell you without question that ONE relationship with ONE person you love who also loves you is better than all the casual fun in the world.
It's common for relationships to encounter obstacles, but there is always a solution. My own marriage faced considerable issues, but with appropriate guidance, my husband and I worked through them and deepened our connection. Solutions are achievable if you're ready to work together. Stay hopeful-there's always a way forward.
I'm facing significant relationship problems and can't stand the idea of losing him. My love and longing for my partner are profound, and I'm ready to do anything to restore our connection. I would greatly appreciate any advice or help you could give.
Parting with someone you love is always a challenging process, but in my experience, I had the guidance of a spiritual guide who prevented my marriage from collapsing. His name is Father Akunna.
35 years together. Still hot for each other. One of our few rules - Never involve someone else in your relationship. - Whether family, friend, etc... even for advice. Talk to each other. Turn to each other and not away. It works.
Sometimes having a frame of reference helps from another married person helps. Sometimes. Depending on the person. But this can’t be done in lieu of talking with your spouse, simply as an adjunct to effective communication.
I think that the phrase-' Living happily ever after ' is what makes us miserable in the first place ,because life and feelings in a relationship goes up and down. You can not be happy all the time, so we see it as a failure when we are not.
Very good point that has much overlap with many areas of functioning in western life. "Why not be happy all of the time (with the purchase of this, that or the other)?"
I'm the first to admit I am old-fashioned. I have been married twice (the divorce was not my choice) the first time for 24 years and currently, going on 25 years as well. Fidelity and acting within my values has always been a priority for me. I would not have an affair because doing that would hurt my husband. We are best friends, partners and intimates. I have had opportunities to have an affair but I chose not to follow up and do so because I value myself and my marriage more than that.
That isn't being old fashioned, perhaps a little, that's just applying slight common sense and critical thinking. Man is superior to other animals precisely because he is discerning, is able to recognise patterns and extrapolate. Instinct tells us that extrapolating infidelity and adultery leads to or legitimizes more primeval behaviour.
The old fashioned way IS to have an affair (or reject it). The modern way is to talk about the drive behind extramarital lust and build that into the relationship.
As a guy who has been monogamous and a swinger, monogamy is a whole lot easier to deal with than a swinging relationship as far as stability goes. There are tons of traditional couples who have been married 30-40-50 years, it seems to me that the swinging couples I used to know had all been married multiple times and never had strong relationships to begin with. There is no such thing as innocent flirting, flirting either gets shut down or it escalates.
Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become your character. Watch your character, for it can become your destiny.
That Is The Best Conceptual Statement For The Self Mental Wellness Journey that I have Been Gaining A Firm Knowledge on Myself as A Man., Husband and Father..! Thank You for Sharing.. M.V.. Hamilton, Ontario
Your thoughts are not your own. Society has pressured you to act and think a certain way long before you were even born. Your words and actions are not your own, they come from everything you read, and heard on TV, Radio, Movies, and Books (When you talk you are sharing information that you already know, it's when you listen thats when you take in new information). Your habits are just that, habits to pass the lonely or sad times, but with loving friends and family those habits don't have to become a problem, instead learn to love those with habits not scorn them with silly sayings like, "your habits will become your character" how sad and unhelpful. If you are so aware of your character and destiny then please tell me the exact date of your death destiny, and the type of illness your character will die from. Oh thats right you can't cause you're just as clueless as the next person, no one knows their destiny silly. It's truly saddening to see how many folks are stuck in their own perception of reality that they can not see the walls they have built around them thru the influences of religion and society. As soon as someone offers anything contrary to your illusion of life we become so quick to retaliate against it. (Quick! My belief system has been questioned bring me my best blankie, some ice cream and leave me alone so I may go back to life as I know it...sounds like you prefer the Matrix instead of seeing what the real world looks like, and if thats the case then yes, take the blue pill the story ends and you believe whatever YOU want to believe). Exactly the point she makes in the beginning, you are forced to think in one way and maybe it's not the correct way. Everything in life has changed, you don't drive horses to work? You no longer need the Pony Express to send an email, so why is it so far fetched that something like marriage created centuries ago can't improve? Perhaps it's all those still living in Medieval times that don't want to embrace change, and thats really the problem. How many people made fun of the first automobile? Tons, because the cars would get stuck in the mud. Mud roads that were designed for horses, but once the roads were paved what happened? Everyone now owns a car and make fun of those that don't have a car. Don't be stuck in the past, it might seem funny now, but down the road you may be the person stuck on the side of the highway by your lonesome wondering, how did life get away from me so quickly? Always keep your mind and soul open to any and all new possibilities, only then will you see your true power to succeed in life and marriage.
Oh my God leon, you didn't say alot but what you said is more powerful than alot of stuff that is read or whole speeches ( like this one ), I've heard, need people with your thinking, our thinking, talking to people.
Leon Labuschagne Marriage is an out dated an archaic system that doesn’t work… Why should you bring the state into your relationship with a contract? It ruins everything… Marriage does not need to be fixed… needs to be abolished
Monogamous marriage has always been the ideal, not the norm. In today's world, ending marriage is easier than ever. If couples expect to stay married today, they have to recognize that courtship doesn't end. It's a lifelong process. Anyone who sees marriage as the end game is headed for divorce.
Ending marriage today isn't necessarily easier. I almost went through it myself, still costs a lot, and can take a lot of time if one spouse refuses. Perhaps you meant that people make more excuses nowadays? That could be. Or, there are more distractions. But let's be honest, only certain couples are destined to stay together from the outset anyway, no matter how hard both or just one party tries to keep it together.
Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Got married at 25, married an amazing woman. She is my best friend. 2 kids, almost 5 years later and we're stronger today than we ever were. Our love for each other grew over time because we foster in each other loyalty and respect. In order to make a relationship last those 2 things are the most important. Temptation is everywhere, you just have to avoid it.
I give you ten years before you come back to the comment section of UA-cam to advocate for MGTOW. In the mean time, enjoy the good time while it lasts.
Step one is respect, EVERYTHING else comes together. My suggestion is simple, for men, put your wife/partner first. For Women, put your Husband/Partner 1st. It's really no more complicated than that, if you're in a relationship, you will need to do things and do things at times that you may not really wish too ..... do it anyway!!!!
@KahlosHack - You are a bit confused and with that statement, I am thinking you probably struggle with getting respected by others. It is proper to respect and treat others respectfully unless they prove to be undeserving. Getting respect for varies leadership roles or specific reasons is earned, respect as a fellow human being should be until proven otherwise!!!
Let's make this simpler. Humans are humans we find others attractive and can still be loyal. Basically dont shun and repress every thought that comes through your mind about someone other than your partner. You'd think this is common sense. Repression leads to obsession, that leads to shady actions. Just accept these thoughts and move on.
That is very good advice. If you add don't act on those thoughts and share them only with church/psychiatrist/partner whichever you prefer. Friends are not acceptable to be bearers of such thoughts and will ill advise you. Church and psychiatrists / psychologists are taught how to advise in such scenarios and your partner will listen to you and try to solve the problem in your relationship. Friends will tell you you'd be still saint if you dump the men. By the way guys it applies to you with reversed gender too. TLDR anyone that tells you to dump someone instead of work out issues is not you ally in this case.
Part of the problems with marriages failing and partners being unhappy, and other problems is that people don't try. Every relationship takes effort in order for it to work. People are not willing to put in the effort not to be selfish, not to gripe and complain all the time, being a little selfless, being thoughtful, and being patient. Marriage requires a lot of work... work that people are not willing to do.
Exactly. And the word "selfish" is the key word. This is what adultery AND 'monogomish' are all about. Monogomish is is only an excuse. INTEGRITY and TRUTH are the most important matters involved where a marriage is concerned.
@@michaelbee2165 - selfish is what adultery is usually about. But it’s not at all what “monogamish” is all about. Quite the contrary. The largest issue with adultery is that it is a complete violation of honesty. It’s not (usually) the act itself, but rather the deception, the dishonesty, and the selfishness involved that make that act so damnable. Ethical non-monogamy and this subgroup of “monogamish” couples are a completely different ballgame. The required element to make it work is complete honesty. It also isn’t about selfish needs: it’s about addressing the needs and wants of the couple - TOGETHER. That is in direct conflict with your statement. I’d argue that a MUCH higher percentage of non-monogamous couples vs traditional ones are more honest and conversationally open with one another. Generally speaking, they have a much higher level of trust with each other. It’s not a perfect solution for everybody. Or for most people. But inaccurate comments born out of ignorance isn’t fair to those who make it work every day. FWIW, this isn’t me. I am a traditionalist. That doesn’t mean I look down in others.
I think if people want to be monogamous they should. If people want to be open, they should. If people want to be polyamorous, they should. It's none of my business what two consenting adults do in a relationship. If it's something I disagree with, then I personally won't do it, but I'm not going to shove my beliefs on someone else. Do what makes you happy in your relationship! It's YOUR relationship after all, not anyone else's. There's no one right way to do things and getting into a relationship is risky as it is.
Yes. It is your/our business. Whenever movements like this start to severely change the dating landscape and social stability and devotees of monogamy are left to live a life alone, it is unquestionably everyone's business.
Sounds like a good way to end your marriage.. playing with fire usually results in burning down the forest. Love your spouse above all else, including your own selfish desires.
Unfortunately, it doesn't take any kind of weird behavior, if you want to call it that, to end a monogamous relationship. History has shown us that monogamy just isn't really successful.
This is playing with fire. A better solution is to have your own friends and hobbies. Having fun together, traveling, working out together, and spicing up sex is a much better option.
no, people just get sick of each other after a while, monogamy for a lifetime is unrealistic. marriage is such an old school move, people are getting smarter. women still want it, so they lower their standards and marry naive guy they never wouldve dated in their prime, left alone marry for life.
What guarantee does a person have that if they do this, that the other person will also do the same? If the answer is not a overwhelming YES, then relationships have some serious built in flaw.
This lady's perspective is delusional. You can only succeed in marriage when there is an incentive for it to succeed. Too many people have attractive alternatives when the challenges of marriage come knocking.
Priority should be yourself then your partner. Otherwise if you make them your priority and yourself last they will not have any respect for you, you will end up with no respect for yourself and then because of this they will leave you and you will be pathetic.
What do you think pushed them to try it? Was it being perfectly content and not feeling a pressing need to improve their situation? How do you know they would have been happy if they hadn’t tried it? Why would they have tried it if they were happy?
You really misunderstand. She explicitly says cheating isn’t acceptable. I’ve been with my wife for 35 years. For about 15 of those we had an open relationship. We’ve both had multiple extra lovers. Neither of us has cheated. She knows about everyone else I’ve been with, or even thought about being with. And unlike people in any other relationship I know she hasn’t done anything I don’t know about.
@@intelligenthorsemanshipwit1330 It doesn't matter if she doesn't "endorse" cheating. What she is saying is unwise and here is why. Imagining yourself cheating, will eventually cause you to cheat. If you like your wife getting smashed by some other guys whatever, but don't pretend like that's all hunky dory for everyone.
@Arathae She is a natural at reverse psychology. LOL In other situations, I've been told not to do something and it never crossed my mind until that person mentioned it. So naturally I did what they told me not to do... I sought out the attention when single but in a relationship with permission I'm shocked that I don't act on it. My married friends that cheat think I'm NUTZ. LOL
This is a sneaky good presentation about communication, learning your partner's needs, and expressing your insecurities so you can address them. If you're wondering if you're still physically attractive, and your girl is openly fantasizing about someone in great shape, it's a good non-aggressive indicator that it's time to get your health habits and confidence right ASAP
The beginning was an ultimate disaster. Nothing against her (the presentation was informative) but all the first three jokes bombed HARD. I had to stop to gather my thoughts lol. Public speaking is fricken HARD. Props to her for not letting it affect her performance.
Exactly. What if another partner who is not your husband or wife tells you to divorce your significant other and be with them or get pregnant by this other side partner. How do you deal with that? Is it okay to be "monogamish" now?
Even if it doesn't lead to more the feelings of insecurity and disloyalty are the kind of thing that don't go away, even if you're in a new relationship, former relationships affect your interpretations of future relationships.
Maybe strengthening friendship, increasing romance, and devoting more effort into loving the other person will better help the marriage /relationship rather than being "monogamish".
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@@dr.c196 I've been married for over 10 years, and none of that has gone away from my married. We've had unquestionable rough patches, but my wife and I are great friends. We have children so things like romance and doing things for one another often comes down to cleaning the dishes when its her night, getting her some flowers for no reason...giving her footrub or getting a babysitter so we can sneak out to dinner and movie. Big displays of romance are difficult both in terms of time and/or resources (but I still make the effort for special events or big milestones). Everyone's experience is different of course, but I would say that it doesn't disappear; it changes. And you have to find value in what it becomes.
There is no easier way to ruin a marriage than "opening" it. I know two people who have tried this. Both were divorced because of it. Don't listen to idiots. This woman is one.
this is actually a decent talk. the whole point of TED is to think outside of the box, all these ppl downvoting it, are not even giving it a chance. also, you're not supposed to agree w every single TED, they are just ideas and stories to consider
this is not outside of the box thinking, this is just giving in to the animal part that is luring in the back of our minds, evolving past all of that is another option.
Especially when the most radical suggestion, she made was to admit when you find someone else attractive, maybe talk to them, and then go home with your partner.
I met my now husband at 16. Had our first child at 18. Second child at 21. Married at 22. Now we’re going on our 7th year together. I would never share him. He would never share me. We would never share ourselves. We’re happy keeping each other to ourselves 👍🏻
Also, we don’t flirt with other people. If I flirted with someone else it would hurt my husband and make him question if he’s good enough. And vise versa. I don’t want to feel inadequate. And I don’t want my husband to ever feel inadequate either. I am enough for him. He is enough for me. If we lack something then we figure out what we can do differently or something new we can do to make things better. Not look for it somewhere else. I should be the only one to turn my husband on and pleasure him. And he’s the only one that does anything for me. That’s how a marriage works. Being only his. And him being only mine. If someone doesn’t like how this sounds, then maybe marriage isn’t for them.
@@goddessofdragons1996 Good for you guys! Just because everyone else is weak of character, don’t stand by their oaths, and are too selfish and inconsiderate to ever interact with anything with a lifespan greater than a dog, doesn’t mean you have to!
Monogamish works because only at this point partners deal with each others as best friends. Like when she asks him “do you like that girl” or when he tells her “oh this guy is hot”. Then, not only they sided their mental formula of being partners who can judge each others but deal like best friends who can open up to anything. Friendship really matters.
Being monogamish works in neutrality, if no love and no feelings exist in a couple....it may allow them to experiment, but it fails at a certain point of time.
Commitment is like being a soldier. It requires work, discipline and practice. The minute you start throwing that away for comfort, thrill or entertainment, you invite the opportunity of failure inside the walls. If sleeping around is your battle planned answer for "boredom" after a few years of marriage, just save everyone heart ache and keep it single. Problem solved.
@Frikkiwitz Ah, yes.. because murder, death and destruction has always been metaphorically equivelant to love, and the inevitable stress that comes from regular daily life throughout that commitment.
Monoga-ish is Satan’s Game Mathew 5:28 27. You have heard it said you should not commit Adultery. 28. But I say that anyone that looks at a woman Lustfully has already committed Adultery with her in thier heart. I get it though certainly it’s exciting but nonetheless giant sin!!
@@Captain-Awesome youtube is satans playground too buddy.. it is playing with fire and if you pay attention to her she talks about the burns as well. The mindset is really strong here.
Let me save you 26 minutes of time and summarize what she says: "To save your boring marriage don't sleep with other people just pretend that you are." This reminds me of like a binge eating disorder where you chew the food but spit it out.
Is it me, or is what she is explaining just plain old monogamy? The only thing she is saying is that you don't have to constantly lie to your spouse (or yourself?) that your partner isn't the only person in the world that is attractive. monogamy + honesty = monogamish?
Completely open communication is really the key. Being 100% honest about your thoughts and desires with each other and finding something that works for both of you.
Admitting that you find others attractive has nothing to do with monogamy. Being intimate (emotionally and/or physically) does. Besides, it's terribly naive to think that just because you're in a relationship/married that a switch gets flipped and you can't find anyone else attractive.
Thinking about it, opens the door to actually DOING it. Remember that. Commitment is commitment. Anything else is tripe. Trust is developed over time. Trust is disintegrated very easily, and very quickly.
Some people are wired to manogamous, some are not. Simple as that. The important thing is that we each figure it out for ourselves and are absolutely honest and truthful about it. If everyone was truthful about who they really are and everything was in the open, then we all know where each other stands. If we can just accept each other as we are and let people do what they want in their own privacy then none of it has to be made a big deal. The most decent thing we can do is be real and honest with each other. That is the most respectful thing.
Nah no one's wired for monogamy, like our brain systems are literally wired for novelty, however if you want to end up old and alone, I highly encourage polygamy as an option
Like pretty much anything, a successful marriage is a result of 100% devotion, and yes, hard work. If you are not up to it then get a divorce. If you cannot commit to your vows in a marriage then you shouldn't be or stay married. What would be the point?
Human will always be human. we are emotional being. We get jealous and angry. Term it it whatever. Are we forgetting the fact that relationship fails also because of infidelity which usually started with "small fire". Hence dont play with fire. Love can be a beautiful thing. Dont wash down the meaning of love and mistaken it with lust.
Sounds like she wants a BF on the side and needed to justify it. Not many facts in this though and other TED talks contradict the info presented. No doubt, open works for some people, but not the vast majority. The pitiful stats on marriage are due to human conditions - fear, lust, stress, etc. This is just placing a band-aid on what requires surgery.
this woman presents the idea that a guy will still have a drive and find other women attractive(wo pursuing them) as something incredibly revolutionary. if you want a relationship to last, be his best friend. which means that if he finds someone else attractive and u hear about it, its not something he should expect u to freak out about. anything else is just making people miserable.
Yes she could have worded that better. unfortunately for us, jealousy is a negative emotion, which is of no help when trying to keep a relationship together.
She's not saying to cheat, she's saying it's ludicrous to treat thoughts as cheating and that honesty with ourselves leads to more honesty within the marriage
jealousy is a byproduct of another issue. It could stem from fear of abandonment, self-esteem issues, trust issues, etc. Those issues need to be addressed and dissected and most likely jealousy will fade. And if you start feeling it again, guess what you do? you talk about it again. There's always a reason behind jealousy and the reasons are present in all forms of relationships - monogamous or not
Although I respect her opinion and think she is a great speaker, I feel like this way of thinking isn't fixing the problem of marriage failure. It is just paving the way for people to take the easy way out and allowing them to be corrupt and not have to be completely faithful. Maybe I live in a fantasy but I would like to believe love is out there that doesn't need anyone but their partner and doesn't want to play little games to get excited. Keep the love alive and focus on your partner. No one else should matter.. at least in my eyes.. but if this works for other people then more power to them. I just would want a pure love and connection. This wouldn't work for me.
+Chelsea Magana People always will try to flee imprisonment. Having a wiff of the air outside reveals that it is the same as the air inside the prison. It's worth it and it's not offensive unless you have a weak mind.
+Chelsea Magana did you miss the part where she emphasized communication with your partner? when you trust eachother, and that trust is well placed, nothing can go wrong, as you're always talking with your partner. I don't see the issue here. It's called being understanding and open minded. Life isn't as easy as some of you people think it is
Melissa Johnson If the warden that manages your prison tells you that you are actually not in prison. That being locked in your cell for 60 years either alone or with a cell mate is a romantic and exilirating experience, would you believe him?
Love isn't the problem either it's lack of communication and respect. All successful relationships require communication and respect in order to be successful. Romantic or otherwise, monogamous or otherwise
@Matthew Morycinski That kind of deeper love is for mother’s with their children: letting go and accepting. They are supposed to fly free and leave home. I do not have motherly feelings for my husband. Jealousy is not the reason for monogamy.
What if I WANT to exercise my options? IF my wife doesn't keep me fully satisfied, I'll find someone who can. The fact that she knows that, is why she keeps me satisfied.
Obviously this only works for a few couples. All of you people saying it doesn't work? It does. Your partner just didn't/doesn't respect you enough, or they never loved you to begin with, or they were not the kind of person that this works for, or you weren't, and you actually pushed them away by being passive agressive about it. All I'm saying is that it DOES work, just not for everyone. Her chart should've left space for a 4th option. There will always be couples that just don't work because one or the other or both refuse to give ground and come up with a middle ground they can agree on
The point of her ted talk is that exclusive menogomy is detrimental to most relationships, and that being open to even discussing who you find attractive can decrease the risk of infedelity in both parties.
I am not sure this would work. It's like you're on a diet and she encourages you to go in front of the window of the pastry shop, look but no touch, then go back home to have your soup in the hope the thought of the pastries would make it taste better...
Marco: if that's what would help you stick to your diet, then yes. Or it could be something more like buying the tiniest, least fattening pastry in the shop, then back home eating your healthy lo-cal soup and following it with half of the pastry. Next day the same. But her basic message seems to be 'Whatever works for you and your partner'.
The 50/50 divorce rate is incorrect. I'm surprise that she doesn't know that this is incorrect. She's using the Overton Window to try to change the traditional style of marriage. I've herd people talk about this before. These thoughts will lead to actions. Always have, always will. She's talking about emotional cheating.
Society isn’t dissolving. It is continually evolving. And perhaps your comfort with what other people may do, holding onto outdated norms. Not promoting monogomish, but not judging people and thinking culture is breaking down. This has gone on forever, but now it is being discussed and so what?
All couples are different and they need to find what works for them. One important key to long term satisfaction is open and honest communication. You can't make your partner happy if you don't know what they really want. Find what works for you and your partner and refuse to be bound by other people's idea of what a relationship should be.
Nah, I think I'm going to keep my plain old monogamous marriage. Hope my wife feels the same way...yeah I think she does. Maybe I will buy her something shiny tomorrow. Yeah.
Just keep providing shiny things or she'll find someone else who will. It's called hypergamy, and every woman is biologically programmed to practice it. Shiny things.
@@deblawson1575 Single now, but I've had some good relationships with good women with whom I'm still friends. All were professionals, like me, and all actually had good incomes. I never wanted kids, so that was an issue. Two who said they didn't like kids married guys with money and had kids. Another, who was a millionaire, adopted a child alone after we split. She managed environmental projects around the world, but quit to raise her daughter. While together, I was working 50-60 hours a week as a newspaper journalist, which certainly didn't pay enough to support a family without a second income. So, I took a second job on the weekends. Not sustainable. In statistics, as well as my own experience, every woman I was with pressured me to earn more. With each, if we tied the knot, we would have been comfortably middle class. But each seemed to think they should have the option to quit working. That was the reality for me, and it still is for most men, jus as it was in the1950s. My reaction was not anger, but confusion. I completely supported women having equal access to any work, and as I entered adulthood, that mostly happened. But, in the end, none of my partners wanted to take on the responsibility that new equality required. I'll stop there, since I'm sure you get my point. At my age, I'm semi retired as planned and know I couldn't afford a wife if I were looking for one. Good luck to the younger guys. If you plan to marry and have kids, don't expect to spend much time with them. Do, however, plan for work that pays well and that you'll enjoy spending most of your life doing. Good luck.
The real problem is people getting married and not knowing what love is when you love somebody you know it and there should never be another question about it the rest your life
So you show up at work in year 20 with the exact same enthusiasm as you did on day 1? Sounds nice on paper. Seems unrealistic in practice... I'm not suggesting the feelings in the relationship should change. There should be no doubt about the love part. But that said if you're doing the SAME thing forever, someone is bound to get bored. And that was sort of the point of this talk... You can add a little spice by incorporating a little mental fantasy as long as you establish the rules and boundaries of the playing field and the game, then both parties are interested in it. And you close it afterwards by remembering that it only lives in your heads, not in life. It's not for everyone, but she was pitching it as a tool for some people's toolbox to keep the play fresh and novel for those feeling things may be getting a bit stale or repetitive. But just because someone handed you a hammer doesn't mean you HAVE to use it...
@@mhuntprofessional I can understand and respect what you’re saying- and on certain days I’m on board 100%. My opinion as a 52 yr old, divorced, single, red neck - and we are talking about ‘marriage’ here: I’ve been in love with a woman- I’ve had women be in love with me-and no matter what we said to each other, how much we liked each other- I’ve never been in love simultaneously. I think that’s what makes a marriage. I think if you find yourself in that situation, things could never get boring. And I think if you’re not 100% in that situation, there’s no need to be even talking about marriage. It takes total honesty- which I feel is one of the 3 basic building blocks- to know if marriage is a potiential avenue and I don’t think there’s a a lot of honesty out there anymore. Or when the truth DOES finally surface, you find you’re married, and bored, and unhappy. Then- yes- pull all cards - I guess… but if the basic blocks were solid- you wouldn’t need crutches to hold it all together. But he’ll, idk- maybe I’m wrong to think this way , but I haven’t seen anything else work
Simultaneous love is the hardest thing in the Universe to achieve. I know, as it took 63 years for her to find me. We only had each other for 13 years before she died but I know what it feels like. Don't give up as she is looking for you right now.
1:57 There is a slight difference between your examples and marriage, if you don't make it to your destination safely you die, if your marriage fails you don't. And you arriving to your destination doesn't depend on you and your marriage does. Also, that statistic of 40% of marriages failing doesn't mean your marriage has a 40% chance of failing, if you go out and marry the first person you find you will have a higher probability than 40%, if you wait for the right person and you are willing to try to make things work it will be much higher than 40%. Marriage isn't the problem, it's getting married without really knowing who you are marrying, not seriously considering your life together, many people are happily married and for them marriage works.
Are you making these mistakes with your man? twitter.com/686ff9120e17a0814/status/804693412402241537 Monogaaaamish The new rules of marriage Jessiccca O Reilly TEDxVancouver
Not to mention knowing and accepting ourselves first! Opening up the relationship leads only to let energies flowing out of the partnership destroying the commitment and trust. If she meant it like kind of motivator, it is also not the right one, waking childish games and intention to posess the partner instead of sharing life as a result of ones everyday free decision. The reason for this statistic is the fact, that due to the messages our subconscious are constantly bombarded with from the media people become more and more egoistic and loosing the trust in the power of love (and I don't specifically mean romantic love here, rather universal).
Your life is still in shambles as a man in a divorce. You automatically lose at least half of your wealth, plus alimony, child support, etc. Good luck rebuilding that life while forever in debt to your ex wife. It's possible but most are ruined.
I found my wife in church and was engage for 11 months. She cheated on me and worst wife I could imagine. Just because you're careful doesn't mean you're guaranteed that find a good wife.
I hope your marriage is getting better. God has a plan for all of us and whether or not you two feel like it was meant to be, it is. Marriage isn't something you should take back, its what you will continuously change to repair and make stronger with new challenges.
Absolutely 100%!! Check her marriage in another 5-7 years. Let's see where her "soul mate" is then... people please!! And we wonder what's wrong with society😬
Monogamy is the superior option for kids. It is hard by design because the benefits are great, but of course it has a high cost. Same as for everything in life.
All these people haven't had the chance to live through their entire lives and reflect back on it in totality, So you got to take a step back and ask - "Do you want Temporary happiness or lasting fulfillment ?"
@@kbanghart you think that might be the case...I know, from experience such is not the case. In the short term you may find some pleasure. In the long term you will find only regret and loneliness.
Love the comments. I get what she is saying, I think. Marriage is something that needs both partners to be able to define their marriage. For that it's communication in the forefront, with alot of honesty.
Monogamy isn't a reason most marriage fails. Most marriage fails because people are scared to be alone and get into relationships nowadays or marriage for wrong reasons with somebody who's not really good for them. It's easy to be monogamous (mind and body) with the right person (not saying there is only one out there). Maybe that idea scares people with intense libido, but even them they just need to find the right fit.
I think so too, people get use to someone the perverse or impatient ones including Jessica try to force convince the others that what applies to them also applies or should apply to the others because she's in crisis mode?
One critical thing not brought up here is how people in marriages become comfortable. Too comfortable. Comfortable to the point were we do not think of our partners like we did when we were trying too woo them. Comfortable in gaining weight and not providing emotional support we once might have. Comfortable like being in a job you cannot be fired from, until you are! Opening of the relationship should not be external but internal. Discuss continued wants and risks without feeling shame. I think much of what this woman talks about adds risk to your relationship for most people.
I can say with absolute certainty that this set of ideas will only fly if the person you married has a reasonable degree of emotional intelligence and you can maintain a healthy intelligent dialogue, minus petty jealousies. Preceding that, it greatly helps to find someone who actually likes a little bit of variety, adventure, greatly aspires to personal development, and is reasonably introspective otherwise marriage version 1.0 won't work let alone marriage version 2.0. Yes, I can say this with the deepest conviction. -By the way, don't even ask me how I know all of this... Hey, actually while I think of it, is their anyone out there looking for an unwanted second-hand husband? Just asking for a friend you see.
You just tell your wife that you like this type of girl... And you will be in trouble for the rest of your life (even if she told you its fine to talk like that) Not sure what is she talking about but this could ruin relationships.
Uhm, if your wife is THAT insecure, you should probably encourage her to speak to a professional that can help her work through those insecurities. My husband and I frequently playfully discuss people we find attractive, and it's no surprise that we often find ourselves attracted to people who are our opposites. He sees me everyday, so people who resemble me aren't novel or exciting, and vice versa. Sometimes the women who catch his eye can make me feel insecure, but that's MY problem. That's ME devaluing myself and placing another woman above me. He's never said or done anything to make me feel that way. As women, we really need to learn to own our insecurities instead of berating our faithful and loving partners for being human beings with eyes and opinions. It's natural to be attracted to people who aren't our partners, it's also natural to feel insecure, but it's how we handle and respond to those natural feelings that can make or break a marriage. You. Are. Not. Shameful. For. Having. Eyeballs.
I think the biggest problem is that people don't understand what marriage is when they go into it. Marriage isn't love, it is work. That isn't to say that you can't love each other, in fact I think that it is very important to marry someone who you love. But for some reason people think that when they get married they will love each other more. Marriage does not bring love, it brings responsibility and taking responsibility is what brings that long-term happiness and joy.
I'm a little surprised by all the hate that this video has generated - I think this subject has made a LOT of people uncomfortable. A large number of ppl are calling her a quack & maybe she needed some research articles backing up her statistics - many of which she's quoted ARE accurate, I've seen the studies - then maybe ppl would believe her. I think ppl should ask themselves WHY are you so threatened by the idea of "Monogamish"? And think for yourselves and what works for your relationship rather than what anyone else or any 2000 year old book tells you.
Agreed. I think they are fearful because they don't really understand how it improves relationships but I've seen it first hand. It turns fear into fun and secret shameful desires into a playful conversation with your partner. It brings about understanding and closeness and trust. I love it
I'd take the wisdom of an ancient text over any politicized, tainted "study" from a modern, white coated high priest. This is common sense people. Don't need a study for common sense.
I prefer monogamy however my ex husband didn’t and cheated our entire relationship. I wish he could have just been honest with me, I’d rather have been told the truth than lied to and treated me as an equal.
The rush to assume that it's monogamy that is the problem and not other aspects of human relationships, particularly pre-marriage and particularly mental, is just too sad to see. We are getting stupider and more selfish as time goes on, it seems. Never has there been a time when our sexual desires trump all other things in life. We pick up one little thing and blow it out of proportion because our priorities aren't straight, and we have only two ounces of understanding about human history and even the current state of human affairs before we make grand and glorious conclusions about what we "should" be doing. And by the way, it simply isn't true that the only reason humans tend to dislike polygamous relationships, in whatever form, is because "it has been ingrained" into our brains. Talk to many women from continued polygamous relationships and they're not always happy either. Even people in the polyandrous societies can be found who prefer to have only one partner.
So what? Agriculture is also new to the human. Rational conceptualization is new to the human being. Our reptilian brains are much older. Education is new to the human being. So many things are "new". So what? "It's hard" is not an excuse. It speaks to our selfish, entitled culture and not to human capability or even our nature.
I agree with you. Maturity, self awareness, and life experiences should be examined in relationships in order to keep the individuals growing and the relationship lasting.
+Jeremy Reloj I agree with you on that one, people go into marriage on the assumption that it will make them happier to do it and they put a lot of pressure on the other person to make them happy. When that really is not a healthy way to go about it, nor a lasting premise. We need to be able to be happy with ourselves first and be able to keep ourselves happy before we even get into a relationship, let alone marriage.
The stat that 50% of marriages fail does not mean that your marriage has a 50% of failure. There are indicators and features of individual relationships that can move this up or down.
I urge all of you who have a problem with this video to watch the whole thing. She is not recommending actually agreeing to sleep with other people; instead, she is advocating for open communication. Many people feel "trapped" by marriage because they are pressured to only ever find their spouse attractive, when this is unrealistic. She suggests that couples talk about this and acknowledge that it's okay to find other people attractive and even incorporate them into fantasies with the understanding that there will be no actual activity with the third person. Another thing she discusses is watching porn together. Obviously, not all couples are comfortable with going this far, and that's fine. The important thing to do is to discuss your respective limits and acknowledge that sometimes, we find people other than our spouses attractive. She admits that feelings of jealousy and insecurity are normal, and again, the main point is COMMUNICATION. She's definitely not saying that everyone has to "share" their spouse, or "swing," or do anything wild like that. Obviously, if you're not completely comfortable with those things, they're not going to work. The important thing is that you discuss your and your spouse's boundaries and limits. Get it out in the open. What's okay? What isn't? THAT'S what's most important.
It’s interesting how when something feels “wrong / challenging” we seek to fix something external before dealing with our inner selves. In this case, the institution of marriage is the problem, not something within ourselves (character, morality, depression, addiction, etc). I’m not saying she’s completely wrong, but trying to point out how quick we are to shift blame and responsibility.
Sebastian Aste - I think that’s the point. Without the institution, that you say we’re hastily blaming, that behavior would be totally normalized. So, yeah, she is blaming the institution but those problems you’re saying we need to work on about ourselves wouldn’t be problems at all without the institution.
Was about to say the same thing. We first start with ourselves... We go to therapy, try to understand our beliefs about e.g. love that were formed when we were younger. We process the feelings we've been avoiding all our lives etc. We get to know ourselves. People need to learn how to be happy by themselves first... Highly recommend a book titled: You're The One You've Been Waiting For by R. C. Schwartz
Marriage may have broken down because of the nuclear family. Everything falls on 2 people only and that can be super stressful. When extended family was in place the extended, parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, nephews, nieces, cousins. We had more support/ love. I think THAT held the marriage together.
We should reject our impulse to get someone younger, hotter, richer, or different. Our spouse is like our best friend, and we surrender our wills to keep a healthy marriage.
The most interesting thing I've learned from monogamy over time is how variable sexual satisfaction can be from one encounter to the next with the same partner, depending on mood, fatigue, inebriation, endocrine system function, etc. It's always at least OK, but sometimes it's *awesome* and sometimes I'm still thinking about the previous time afterwards. It just depends, and you can't control it. Now imagine I had only a one night stand with my partner and we both judged it based on whatever chance gave us on that occasion, while we were nervous strangers with each other. We would be trying to judge how compatible we were from a tiny sample size, and probably getting the wrong answer. That's with holding the "partner" variable constant; extrapolate to a string of different partners, and you can't help but attribute that inevitable variation to _them_ rather than random chance. This person's a terrible lover and you never want to see them again, that person's fantastic and you want more, but those signals are completely unreliable, because you were having a bad day, or they were having a great one, etc. No wonder such a person would keep looking and looking. Wow, square/circular wheel was an extremely stupid example. No culture in history has ever used square wheels and then upgraded to circular; if you're talking about a real phenomenon, it should be easy to cite a real example. And wait, looking at other people but never acting on it is now not "monogamous"? Flirting but not following through is not "monogamy"? News to me. If you don't actually get to fuck anybody else, then this isn't even different from the status quo, and how it could possibly help with the 50% divorce rate is beyond me. She's basically pushing her (entirely bland, mainstream) personal kink and tastes, presented as somehow innovative, and assuming without evidence (where are the charts and p-values?) that it can help everyone. "If a strip club doesn't appeal to you, don't go." Really?? Wow! Mind blown! No one taught her how to pronounce 'panacea'! An "active" sex life doesn't even entail sex every _month_?? An old lady told bishops that sex matters---what's the point if we don't hear how they responded?? How do we know that the "thriving monogamy 2.0" couples aren't simply part of the 50% that wouldn't have had a problem under monogamy *1.0*? Possibly the worst TED/x talk I've ever listened to. Just unbelievably awful on the very basics of presenting. Did she blow the person in charge of the speaking schedule?
+HebaruSan This is typical though, in today's "everybody with a degree is some sort of an authority" mentality. People who haven't lived 30 years are "experts" now. If you read a book, you "know" stuff, and can talk for an hour on the subject.
+HebaruSan common sense seems to be a luxury in the modern world. A society swimming in the other rather than the self. Extrospection vs Introspection. Inner-work demands much discernment than any outer-work. My question is who are the unconscious folks who even approved of this talk.
HebaruSan Right on!!!! I feel sorry for her "clients." Go back to your sketchy MTV swinger house and stay there. Or.... MAYBE....maybe go to church and with the knowledge you learn there... you might be able to bring your success charts up with you....(or at least mention them) instead of your cellphone to take a selfie. Yes. Take a selfie because you will NEVER be on another ted talk. 🙄 ohhh this world.
I may be "new school", but my husband and I entered our marriage knowing that this type of elasticity is not only normal, but expected. We both knew and know our relationship will change and evolve over time, but we vowed to each other to covet the vows of understanding, loving, and acceptance of change in both of us as individuals... And, we're excited for it! We want to grow individually, together! And that means in every way. And, like Jessica says, just because you stretch one way it doesn't mean a couple has to stay stretched... Because of the vows we gave to each other. Anyway... Long-winded way to say: love yourself, love your partner... Find what works for you, not what seems to work for others. You, as a couple, are in it together. Make it work for you.
Don't get married at a young age even if you think you've met the right person, the world is very complicated today! There are more options/opportunities/opinions etc. then ever before. Give yourself time to learn and grow, eventually you will come to know the the type of person you are and the type of person you want in your life. Most people don't want a player/flirt as their partner. At the end of the day it really comes down to you and what you want. Speaking for myself, being faithful, honest and committed give's me a strong foundation I can build on, it's what I want and what I choose for life partner.
I have a friend who’s been practicing a version of this with her husband for 13 years. She’s stunning. A home maker. Intelligent. Does not have any social media accounts, but her husband always wants more. He’s constantly threatening divorce because he’s never happy and he’s always trying her to see how far he can get. No thank you. This won’t work for everyone
@@nathanaelmarler8874 too much “just be yourself” and “the right person will love you for who you are” going on out there. So many people are putting each other though the ringer instead of actually trying to make things easier for their significant other. You’re either loyal or you’re not. You either have integrity or you don’t. I’ve learned that actions may speak louder than words, but character is the only constant. I want you to know that you may be resilient , but that doesn’t mean you deserve the beating. Life throws us enough punches. I hope she truly knows how you feel and you set some boundaries. If she abuses those boundaries then she has no respect for you. I wish you well
yea and what happens when the "elastic band" stretches too far one time?... It snaps and pokes u in the eyeball, after which it will never go back to the same shape
So do unhealthy monogamous relationships. Lol your comment is pretty polyphobic and provides no context. Edit: if couples actually communicate with their kids instead of trying to hide their non-conformist lifestyle, or god forbid actually provide a healthy climate of criticism of an incredibly inflexible "till death do us part" lifestyle, then there's hope.
![Lp. Сердце Вселенной #60 РОЖДЕНИЕ ЛОЛОЛОШКИ [Финал] • Майнкрафт](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/YoR0pAV9FVQ/mqdefault.jpg)
My wife and I fell in love when she was 14 and I wad 15. Together 60 years and married 54 years. We were never out of love with each other until she passed away.
She still loves you Walter. Stay strong. She would want that.
You are the man and that's awesome.
I want to be like you two ❤️❤️❤️ that's awesome, so sorry she's gone 💔
I'm sorry for your loss, Walter.
I know this probably was a serious post, but I did laugh at the "until she passed away" 😑🙄
I have had many partners in my day, and I can tell you without question that ONE relationship with ONE person you love who also loves you is better than all the casual fun in the world.
Ignore the comments below . Kids
B
Jhk
@Bill Foster yphkph hiiii
@Bill Foster k
It's common for relationships to encounter obstacles, but there is always a solution. My own marriage faced considerable issues, but with appropriate guidance, my husband and I worked through them and deepened our connection. Solutions are achievable if you're ready to work together. Stay hopeful-there's always a way forward.
I'm facing significant relationship problems and can't stand the idea of losing him. My love and longing for my partner are profound, and I'm ready to do anything to restore our connection. I would greatly appreciate any advice or help you could give.
Parting with someone you love is always a challenging process, but in my experience, I had the guidance of a spiritual guide who prevented my marriage from collapsing. His name is Father Akunna.
I'II quickly search for him online. Thank you.
I'm optimistic that taking this approach will yield results for me as well; his absence is keenly felt.
I promise you will not regret it.
I just searched for Father Akunna online. impressive thank you so much one again ❤
35 years together. Still hot for each other. One of our few rules - Never involve someone else in your relationship. - Whether family, friend, etc... even for advice. Talk to each other. Turn to each other and not away. It works.
Absolutely!
We have been together 25+ years
Haha, yeah sure 😂
Sometimes having a frame of reference helps from another married person helps. Sometimes. Depending on the person. But this can’t be done in lieu of talking with your spouse, simply as an adjunct to effective communication.
What if the other is dull? Need wisdom from others.
I think that the phrase-' Living happily ever after ' is what makes us miserable in the first place ,because life and feelings in a relationship goes up and down. You can not be happy all the time, so we see it as a failure when we are not.
You couldn't be more right. No more duty and companionship only personal happiness.
Very good point that has much overlap with many areas of functioning in western life. "Why not be happy all of the time (with the purchase of this, that or the other)?"
I have known couples who didn’t get along for 10 years yet fell back in love again.
My husband and I are back in love after years of troubles.
I'm the first to admit I am old-fashioned. I have been married twice (the divorce was not my choice) the first time for 24 years and currently, going on 25 years as well. Fidelity and acting within my values has always been a priority for me. I would not have an affair because doing that would hurt my husband. We are best friends, partners and intimates. I have had opportunities to have an affair but I chose not to follow up and do so because I value myself and my marriage more than that.
That isn't being old fashioned, perhaps a little, that's just applying slight common sense and critical thinking. Man is superior to other animals precisely because he is discerning, is able to recognise patterns and extrapolate. Instinct tells us that extrapolating infidelity and adultery leads to or legitimizes more primeval behaviour.
Donna Allgaier - thank you you give me hope!
I tought you are going to say"i dont cheat my husband cuz i dont need others" not that it will hurt your husband
Wish more women were like you Donna
The old fashioned way IS to have an affair (or reject it). The modern way is to talk about the drive behind extramarital lust and build that into the relationship.
“we have a global epidemic on our hands and it’s airborne...” made me quickly check when this was posted
Frank Shi same. hahaha
Me too🤣🤣🤣🤣
yup...me too.
LOL
Man, same.
As a guy who has been monogamous and a swinger, monogamy is a whole lot easier to deal with than a swinging relationship as far as stability goes. There are tons of traditional couples who have been married 30-40-50 years, it seems to me that the swinging couples I used to know had all been married multiple times and never had strong relationships to begin with. There is no such thing as innocent flirting, flirting either gets shut down or it escalates.
Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become your character.
Watch your character, for it can become your destiny.
Well said
That Is The Best Conceptual Statement For The Self Mental Wellness Journey that I have Been Gaining A Firm Knowledge on Myself as A Man., Husband and Father..!
Thank You for Sharing..
M.V..
Hamilton, Ontario
Your thoughts are not your own. Society has pressured you to act and think a certain way long before you were even born. Your words and actions are not your own, they come from everything you read, and heard on TV, Radio, Movies, and Books (When you talk you are sharing information that you already know, it's when you listen thats when you take in new information). Your habits are just that, habits to pass the lonely or sad times, but with loving friends and family those habits don't have to become a problem, instead learn to love those with habits not scorn them with silly sayings like, "your habits will become your character" how sad and unhelpful. If you are so aware of your character and destiny then please tell me the exact date of your death destiny, and the type of illness your character will die from. Oh thats right you can't cause you're just as clueless as the next person, no one knows their destiny silly. It's truly saddening to see how many folks are stuck in their own perception of reality that they can not see the walls they have built around them thru the influences of religion and society. As soon as someone offers anything contrary to your illusion of life we become so quick to retaliate against it. (Quick! My belief system has been questioned bring me my best blankie, some ice cream and leave me alone so I may go back to life as I know it...sounds like you prefer the Matrix instead of seeing what the real world looks like, and if thats the case then yes, take the blue pill the story ends and you believe whatever YOU want to believe). Exactly the point she makes in the beginning, you are forced to think in one way and maybe it's not the correct way. Everything in life has changed, you don't drive horses to work? You no longer need the Pony Express to send an email, so why is it so far fetched that something like marriage created centuries ago can't improve? Perhaps it's all those still living in Medieval times that don't want to embrace change, and thats really the problem. How many people made fun of the first automobile? Tons, because the cars would get stuck in the mud. Mud roads that were designed for horses, but once the roads were paved what happened? Everyone now owns a car and make fun of those that don't have a car. Don't be stuck in the past, it might seem funny now, but down the road you may be the person stuck on the side of the highway by your lonesome wondering, how did life get away from me so quickly? Always keep your mind and soul open to any and all new possibilities, only then will you see your true power to succeed in life and marriage.
This is exactly what I thought about. It's one thing to have the thought, but to continue in the thought leads to this progression.
So what if you watch your destiny?
Marriage is not the problem. Our value system is
Leon Labuschagne
the best comment!
The morality is at its lowest ebb in our today's world.
Demo Cordoba
you also have a point, the government should stay out of people's marriage lives.
Oh my God leon, you didn't say alot but what you said is more powerful than alot of stuff that is read or whole speeches ( like this one ), I've heard, need people with your thinking, our thinking, talking to people.
Leon Labuschagne Marriage is an out dated an archaic system that doesn’t work… Why should you bring the state into your relationship with a contract? It ruins everything… Marriage does not need to be fixed… needs to be abolished
So right Demo, with you 100% on this.
Monogamous marriage has always been the ideal, not the norm. In today's world, ending marriage is easier than ever. If couples expect to stay married today, they have to recognize that courtship doesn't end. It's a lifelong process.
Anyone who sees marriage as the end game is headed for divorce.
Ending marriage today isn't necessarily easier. I almost went through it myself, still costs a lot, and can take a lot of time if one spouse refuses.
Perhaps you meant that people make more excuses nowadays? That could be. Or, there are more distractions. But let's be honest, only certain couples are destined to stay together from the outset anyway, no matter how hard both or just one party tries to keep it together.
@Doctor Detroit or when the guy feels "unhappy"
That’s just not true. Monogamous marriage has only really been a thing for the past couple of centuries.
Whose ideal?
Marriage is kind of silly.
Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
His name is Father Akunna, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
he is father Akunna, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Got married at 25, married an amazing woman. She is my best friend. 2 kids, almost 5 years later and we're stronger today than we ever were. Our love for each other grew over time because we foster in each other loyalty and respect. In order to make a relationship last those 2 things are the most important. Temptation is everywhere, you just have to avoid it.
T S ugh I hate you, and your picture perfect life
I give you ten years before you come back to the comment section of UA-cam to advocate for MGTOW. In the mean time, enjoy the good time while it lasts.
T S 5 years is nothing. Wait till 50. Then talk.
T S dont listen to these people
T S ignore it
Honesty is the MOST endearing quality a person can offer to a relationship. Maybe because its so rare. Step one.
Yes the most valuable resource you have is time, and giving that to another person is the ultimate gift. True love
Step one is respect, EVERYTHING else comes together. My suggestion is simple, for men, put your wife/partner first. For Women, put your Husband/Partner 1st. It's really no more complicated than that, if you're in a relationship, you will need to do things and do things at times that you may not really wish too ..... do it anyway!!!!
@KahlosHack - You are a bit confused and with that statement, I am thinking you probably struggle with getting respected by others. It is proper to respect and treat others respectfully unless they prove to be undeserving.
Getting respect for varies leadership roles or specific reasons is earned, respect as a fellow human being should be until proven otherwise!!!
When we know we have found someone honest?
Let's make this simpler. Humans are humans we find others attractive and can still be loyal. Basically dont shun and repress every thought that comes through your mind about someone other than your partner. You'd think this is common sense. Repression leads to obsession, that leads to shady actions. Just accept these thoughts and move on.
Great comments! I love the “repression leads to obsession” line.
That is very good advice. If you add don't act on those thoughts and share them only with church/psychiatrist/partner whichever you prefer. Friends are not acceptable to be bearers of such thoughts and will ill advise you. Church and psychiatrists / psychologists are taught how to advise in such scenarios and your partner will listen to you and try to solve the problem in your relationship. Friends will tell you you'd be still saint if you dump the men.
By the way guys it applies to you with reversed gender too.
TLDR anyone that tells you to dump someone instead of work out issues is not you ally in this case.
Great comment. Very practical and also helpful. Well played miss; well played
Yes, she mentioned that in the video.
noël nuevo wise words
Part of the problems with marriages failing and partners being unhappy, and other problems is that people don't try. Every relationship takes effort in order for it to work. People are not willing to put in the effort not to be selfish, not to gripe and complain all the time, being a little selfless, being thoughtful, and being patient. Marriage requires a lot of work... work that people are not willing to do.
Amen
I agree
Exactly. And the word "selfish" is the key word. This is what adultery AND 'monogomish' are all about. Monogomish is is only an excuse. INTEGRITY and TRUTH are the most important matters involved where a marriage is concerned.
Marriage is dangerous for man in this part of world
@@michaelbee2165 - selfish is what adultery is usually about. But it’s not at all what “monogamish” is all about. Quite the contrary.
The largest issue with adultery is that it is a complete violation of honesty. It’s not (usually) the act itself, but rather the deception, the dishonesty, and the selfishness involved that make that act so damnable.
Ethical non-monogamy and this subgroup of “monogamish” couples are a completely different ballgame. The required element to make it work is complete honesty. It also isn’t about selfish needs: it’s about addressing the needs and wants of the couple - TOGETHER. That is in direct conflict with your statement. I’d argue that a MUCH higher percentage of non-monogamous couples vs traditional ones are more honest and conversationally open with one another. Generally speaking, they have a much higher level of trust with each other. It’s not a perfect solution for everybody. Or for most people. But inaccurate comments born out of ignorance isn’t fair to those who make it work every day.
FWIW, this isn’t me. I am a traditionalist. That doesn’t mean I look down in others.
I think if people want to be monogamous they should. If people want to be open, they should. If people want to be polyamorous, they should. It's none of my business what two consenting adults do in a relationship. If it's something I disagree with, then I personally won't do it, but I'm not going to shove my beliefs on someone else. Do what makes you happy in your relationship! It's YOUR relationship after all, not anyone else's. There's no one right way to do things and getting into a relationship is risky as it is.
Beka K 軍事演習
It's a big problem when a couple can't talk about this kind of thing with each-other and can only talk about what they're supposed to, if anything.
Yes. It is your/our business. Whenever movements like this start to severely change the dating landscape and social stability and devotees of monogamy are left to live a life alone, it is unquestionably everyone's business.
@@robertfeight1205 What people do in the bedroom is nobody's business except the people involved. Not the government's and especially not yours.
@@barry5767 I couldn't agree more. My wifes parents said this to us before our wedding and they are devoutly religious!
Sounds like a good way to end your marriage.. playing with fire usually results in burning down the forest. Love your spouse above all else, including your own selfish desires.
And viceversa
Great man! A true alpha and not this weak beta nonsense floating around these days
Boorrring
@@atmosrepair hmm, usually when people try to talk about alphas and betos and all of that nonsense, means they are weak, insecure people.
Unfortunately, it doesn't take any kind of weird behavior, if you want to call it that, to end a monogamous relationship. History has shown us that monogamy just isn't really successful.
This is playing with fire. A better solution is to have your own friends and hobbies. Having fun together, traveling, working out together, and spicing up sex is a much better option.
'spicing up sex' is what she said to do.
no, people just get sick of each other after a while, monogamy for a lifetime is unrealistic. marriage is such an old school move, people are getting smarter. women still want it, so they lower their standards and marry naive guy they never wouldve dated in their prime, left alone marry for life.
@@empowermph k ml) Jo
I agree. Once you start to fantasize about someone else. The magic of your partner goes away. Is playing w fire. Someone is bound to get burned
@@megatrong1300 maybe, but its possible to have both at the same time.
Relationships work as long as you make each other your priority.
Which is why there are so many divorced people in the world.
What guarantee does a person have that if they do this, that the other person will also do the same? If the answer is not a overwhelming YES, then relationships have some serious built in flaw.
@@wandererbard8993 There used to be serious societal forces to encourage people to work on their relationships. Those are almost all gone.
This lady's perspective is delusional. You can only succeed in marriage when there is an incentive for it to succeed. Too many people have attractive alternatives when the challenges of marriage come knocking.
Priority should be yourself then your partner. Otherwise if you make them your priority and yourself last they will not have any respect for you, you will end up with no respect for yourself and then because of this they will leave you and you will be pathetic.
Why endorse cheating… part of the problem. I know Many couples who “tried” this, ending in divorce. Thanks
What do you think pushed them to try it? Was it being perfectly content and not feeling a pressing need to improve their situation? How do you know they would have been happy if they hadn’t tried it? Why would they have tried it if they were happy?
You really misunderstand. She explicitly says cheating isn’t acceptable.
I’ve been with my wife for 35 years. For about 15 of those we had an open relationship. We’ve both had multiple extra lovers.
Neither of us has cheated. She knows about everyone else I’ve been with, or even thought about being with. And unlike people in any other relationship I know she hasn’t done anything I don’t know about.
@@intelligenthorsemanshipwit1330 It doesn't matter if she doesn't "endorse" cheating. What she is saying is unwise and here is why.
Imagining yourself cheating, will eventually cause you to cheat.
If you like your wife getting smashed by some other guys whatever, but don't pretend like that's all hunky dory for everyone.
My gf gave me permission to sleep with other women and it almost eliminated the desire to be with another woman.
cre8gnr8nrg whoa! Awesome .. that’s beautiful
@Arathae She is a natural at reverse psychology. LOL
In other situations, I've been told not to do something and it never crossed my mind until that person mentioned it. So naturally I did what they told me not to do...
I sought out the attention when single but in a relationship with permission I'm shocked that I don't act on it.
My married friends that cheat think I'm NUTZ. LOL
@@cre8gnr8nrg
Why are you friends with a person that cheats, let alone multiple? :/
@bad bad mc bad lol whatevs
@bad bad mc bad Well, I definitely disagree.
This is a sneaky good presentation about communication, learning your partner's needs, and expressing your insecurities so you can address them. If you're wondering if you're still physically attractive, and your girl is openly fantasizing about someone in great shape, it's a good non-aggressive indicator that it's time to get your health habits and confidence right ASAP
My wife and I both think about others sometimes, but it's really helped us because I get excited when I think about her with another guy.
@@kbanghart I'll BET you do
@@lockandloadlikehell yep
The beginning was an ultimate disaster. Nothing against her (the presentation was informative) but all the first three jokes bombed HARD. I had to stop to gather my thoughts lol. Public speaking is fricken HARD. Props to her for not letting it affect her performance.
@@kbanghartsame here dude
You can't have a relationship without a friendship. I don't understand why people can't control themselves.
No, disagree. Impure thoughts and flirting w/ someone other than your spouse tends
to open the door for more if youre not careful.
Wendypretty1 I dated a woman like this (had to find out the hard way), it's very traumatic to watch these kind of flirtations
Exactly. What if another partner who is not your husband or wife tells you to divorce your significant other and be with them or get pregnant by this other side partner. How do you deal with that? Is it okay to be "monogamish" now?
Wendypretty1 h
Wendypretty1 agree
Even if it doesn't lead to more the feelings of insecurity and disloyalty are the kind of thing that don't go away, even if you're in a new relationship, former relationships affect your interpretations of future relationships.
Maybe strengthening friendship, increasing romance, and devoting more effort into loving the other person will better help the marriage /relationship rather than being "monogamish".
Thank you!
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Everything you say disappears when you get married. I would love to talk to your husband/partner and hear what he really feels :)
@@dr.c196 I've been married for over 10 years, and none of that has gone away from my married. We've had unquestionable rough patches, but my wife and I are great friends. We have children so things like romance and doing things for one another often comes down to cleaning the dishes when its her night, getting her some flowers for no reason...giving her footrub or getting a babysitter so we can sneak out to dinner and movie. Big displays of romance are difficult both in terms of time and/or resources (but I still make the effort for special events or big milestones).
Everyone's experience is different of course, but I would say that it doesn't disappear; it changes. And you have to find value in what it becomes.
@@Silvertip_M This on all levels.
when people use the word crisis and epidemic, beware the words that follow.
Toxins.
... beware the words that follow.... beware the words that follow.... beware the words that follow....
'...and it's airborne' apparently.
Louis Rossmann Y.
Bryan Charles Usually a monogamous &/or open marriage effects both parties. So no, not just women here, are effected.
There is no easier way to ruin a marriage than "opening" it. I know two people who have tried this. Both were divorced because of it.
Don't listen to idiots. This woman is one.
Wrong
@@kbanghart OK she's a moron then. Better?
@@prometheus5700 no. Facts are better than insults. But that's just my opinion.
She isn't saying to open your marriage, did you not pay attention to anything the talk said??
this is actually a decent talk. the whole point of TED is to think outside of the box, all these ppl downvoting it, are not even giving it a chance. also, you're not supposed to agree w every single TED, they are just ideas and stories to consider
When the whole premise is bs then I will say something
this is not outside of the box thinking, this is just giving in to the animal part that is luring in the back of our minds, evolving past all of that is another option.
No. This is not a decent talk.
She had a lot of people thinking outside of her box.
Especially when the most radical suggestion, she made was to admit when you find someone else attractive, maybe talk to them, and then go home with your partner.
I met my now husband at 16. Had our first child at 18. Second child at 21. Married at 22. Now we’re going on our 7th year together. I would never share him. He would never share me. We would never share ourselves. We’re happy keeping each other to ourselves 👍🏻
Also, we don’t flirt with other people. If I flirted with someone else it would hurt my husband and make him question if he’s good enough. And vise versa. I don’t want to feel inadequate. And I don’t want my husband to ever feel inadequate either. I am enough for him. He is enough for me. If we lack something then we figure out what we can do differently or something new we can do to make things better. Not look for it somewhere else. I should be the only one to turn my husband on and pleasure him. And he’s the only one that does anything for me. That’s how a marriage works. Being only his. And him being only mine. If someone doesn’t like how this sounds, then maybe marriage isn’t for them.
You have only been together 5 minutes. Wait until it is 30 years.
@@goddessofdragons1996 Good for you guys! Just because everyone else is weak of character, don’t stand by their oaths, and are too selfish and inconsiderate to ever interact with anything with a lifespan greater than a dog, doesn’t mean you have to!
you have many years to realize what you really want speaking too too early
Or maybe, marriage is whatever it means to the two who are in it. 👁👄👁
Monogamish works because only at this point partners deal with each others as best friends.
Like when she asks him “do you like that girl” or when he tells her “oh this guy is hot”.
Then, not only they sided their mental formula of being partners who can judge each others but deal like best friends who can open up to anything.
Friendship really matters.
Being monogamish works in neutrality, if no love and no feelings exist in a couple....it may allow them to experiment, but it fails at a certain point of time.
She's fantastic at setting up a concept. She's very engaging, this is an incredible Ted Talk.
I can't believe the number of people getting triggered by this talk though lol
Commitment is like being a soldier. It requires work, discipline and practice. The minute you start throwing that away for comfort, thrill or entertainment, you invite the opportunity of failure inside the walls. If sleeping around is your battle planned answer for "boredom" after a few years of marriage, just save everyone heart ache and keep it single. Problem solved.
This should be top comment.
@Frikkiwitz do you mean PTSD? Is what why they have it?
Brilliant words, thank you!!!
Who says commitment and thrills are mutually exclusive?
@Frikkiwitz Ah, yes.. because murder, death and destruction has always been metaphorically equivelant to love, and the inevitable stress that comes from regular daily life throughout that commitment.
The last relationship I was in, we were monogamy-ish. But the more I let up that leash the further apart we became. Then she left me for someone else.
Yeah, if you saw the whole video, she said that in failing relationships, nothing will magically keep it together.
Plen122 lol...talk about a safety net.
@Alejandro Moreno right on the spot dear sir.
Alejandro Moreno what do u mean?
@Alejandro Moreno maybe he is not talking about the leash in particular, he's referencing it to the elasticity the female in the video talked about.
everything begins in THOUGHT FORM - James Allen
This is like playing with fire and thinking you'll never get a burn.
No, no it's not.
This sounds like something I used to say: “just the tip!” Right.....
Monoga-ish is Satan’s Game
Mathew 5:28 27. You have heard it said you should not commit Adultery. 28. But I say that anyone that looks at a woman Lustfully has already committed Adultery with her in thier heart.
I get it though certainly it’s exciting but nonetheless giant sin!!
@@Captain-Awesome youtube is satans playground too buddy.. it is playing with fire and if you pay attention to her she talks about the burns as well. The mindset is really strong here.
@@Captain-Awesome you're a religious wacko and your message is dangerous and needs to go to the ash heap of history where it belongs
Let me save you 26 minutes of time and summarize what she says: "To save your boring marriage don't sleep with other people just pretend that you are." This reminds me of like a binge eating disorder where you chew the food but spit it out.
RearAdmiralTootToot monogamish means smelling, cooking, and talking about food that breaks your rigid diet... Not putting it in your mouth.
Kyle Johnson to me that sounds like torture.
Soldiers do it.
Stranded/lost people do it.
Hmmm
Okage Kyle and all of those people come home with the healthiest state of mind...
RearAdmiralTootToot thanks bro
Is it me, or is what she is explaining just plain old monogamy? The only thing she is saying is that you don't have to constantly lie to your spouse (or yourself?) that your partner isn't the only person in the world that is attractive.
monogamy + honesty = monogamish?
Congrats you are one of the few that used their brain in this comments section.
Agree, I was so ready to hate on this before I listened to the whole thing.
Completely open communication is really the key. Being 100% honest about your thoughts and desires with each other and finding something that works for both of you.
Agree 100%
Admitting that you find others attractive has nothing to do with monogamy. Being intimate (emotionally and/or physically) does.
Besides, it's terribly naive to think that just because you're in a relationship/married that a switch gets flipped and you can't find anyone else attractive.
Thinking about it, opens the door to actually DOING it. Remember that. Commitment is commitment. Anything else is tripe. Trust is developed over time. Trust is disintegrated very easily, and very quickly.
What's wrong with doing it?
you are truly speaking at this moment. Please forecast another video on this issue. Thanks a million.
Some people are wired to manogamous, some are not. Simple as that. The important thing is that we each figure it out for ourselves and are absolutely honest and truthful about it. If everyone was truthful about who they really are and everything was in the open, then we all know where each other stands. If we can just accept each other as we are and let people do what they want in their own privacy then none of it has to be made a big deal. The most decent thing we can do is be real and honest with each other. That is the most respectful thing.
Facts
I agree
Nah no one's wired for monogamy, like our brain systems are literally wired for novelty, however if you want to end up old and alone, I highly encourage polygamy as an option
@@zephyrjmilnes
Marriage doesn't guarantee you'll end up growing old together or that you'll never be alone.
If all people started being honest and truthful there wouldn't be many marriages left.
Like pretty much anything, a successful marriage is a result of 100% devotion, and yes, hard work. If you are not up to it then get a divorce. If you cannot commit to your vows in a marriage then you shouldn't be or stay married. What would be the point?
Human will always be human. we are emotional being. We get jealous and angry. Term it it whatever. Are we forgetting the fact that relationship fails also because of infidelity which usually started with "small fire". Hence dont play with fire. Love can be a beautiful thing. Dont wash down the meaning of love and mistaken it with lust.
The problem is 80% of women like 20% of the men. So if you have open relationship in your marriage, it's a high chance that men have no partner.
This is not a 'problem', its evolution. Men need to better themselves to attract the women they desire.
Maybe the problem is that men like to many woman?
@@charliefarkas7312 like do plastic surgery of face 😈
It literally all just boils down to good communication.
That woman sounded sane until she said "monogamish"
Sounds like she wants a BF on the side and needed to justify it. Not many facts in this though and other TED talks contradict the info presented. No doubt, open works for some people, but not the vast majority. The pitiful stats on marriage are due to human conditions - fear, lust, stress, etc. This is just placing a band-aid on what requires surgery.
So glad that there are so many who would rather be on either side than stride the shades of gray
this woman presents the idea that a guy will still have a drive and find other women attractive(wo pursuing them) as something incredibly revolutionary. if you want a relationship to last, be his best friend. which means that if he finds someone else attractive and u hear about it, its not something he should expect u to freak out about. anything else is just making people miserable.
It’s not that the “one true soulmate” idea has been embedded in us subconsciously since birth. It’s that jealousy is an ancient, evolved emotion.
Yes she could have worded that better.
unfortunately for us, jealousy is a negative emotion, which is of no help when trying to keep a relationship together.
She's not saying to cheat, she's saying it's ludicrous to treat thoughts as cheating and that honesty with ourselves leads to more honesty within the marriage
@@minagica exactly
jealousy is a byproduct of another issue. It could stem from fear of abandonment, self-esteem issues, trust issues, etc. Those issues need to be addressed and dissected and most likely jealousy will fade. And if you start feeling it again, guess what you do? you talk about it again. There's always a reason behind jealousy and the reasons are present in all forms of relationships - monogamous or not
@@MsZenabel Not today. They were issues a long time ago, today is just facts, almost everyone cheats
Although I respect her opinion and think she is a great speaker, I feel like this way of thinking isn't fixing the problem of marriage failure. It is just paving the way for people to take the easy way out and allowing them to be corrupt and not have to be completely faithful. Maybe I live in a fantasy but I would like to believe love is out there that doesn't need anyone but their partner and doesn't want to play little games to get excited. Keep the love alive and focus on your partner. No one else should matter.. at least in my eyes.. but if this works for other people then more power to them. I just would want a pure love and connection. This wouldn't work for me.
+Chelsea Magana People always will try to flee imprisonment. Having a wiff of the air outside reveals that it is the same as the air inside the prison. It's worth it and it's not offensive unless you have a weak mind.
+Chelsea Magana did you miss the part where she emphasized communication with your partner?
when you trust eachother, and that trust is well placed, nothing can go wrong, as you're always talking with your partner.
I don't see the issue here. It's called being understanding and open minded. Life isn't as easy as some of you people think it is
+Chelsea Magana I agree with you 200%
Melissa Johnson If the warden that manages your prison tells you that you are actually not in prison. That being locked in your cell for 60 years either alone or with a cell mate is a romantic and exilirating experience, would you believe him?
And that’s okay!! Every couple gets to decide what works for them
Monogamy is not the problem. Lack of love is and it will effect no matter what system of relationship your in.
Love isn't the problem either it's lack of communication and respect. All successful relationships require communication and respect in order to be successful. Romantic or otherwise, monogamous or otherwise
Matthew Morycinski people who love truly, do not express jealousy? When their s.o. is cheating on them??
@Matthew Morycinski That kind of deeper love is for mother’s with their children: letting go and accepting. They are supposed to fly free and leave home. I do not have motherly feelings for my husband. Jealousy is not the reason for monogamy.
What if I WANT to exercise my options? IF my wife doesn't keep me fully satisfied, I'll find someone who can. The fact that she knows that, is why she keeps me satisfied.
UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!......the more YOU stare at the line YOU WILL CROSS IT EVENTUALLY!!!
Lol wow triggered much
Obviously this only works for a few couples. All of you people saying it doesn't work? It does. Your partner just didn't/doesn't respect you enough, or they never loved you to begin with, or they were not the kind of person that this works for, or you weren't, and you actually pushed them away by being passive agressive about it. All I'm saying is that it DOES work, just not for everyone. Her chart should've left space for a 4th option. There will always be couples that just don't work because one or the other or both refuse to give ground and come up with a middle ground they can agree on
Man...im geting old... :/ nop, i would not like to see my wife with another man...sorry
That's not what she's saying at all.
The point of her ted talk is that exclusive menogomy is detrimental to most relationships, and that being open to even discussing who you find attractive can decrease the risk of infedelity in both parties.
only deviants in places like California would ... libtards are all sick weak people searching for anything to fill the voids in their lives
@@pablorages1241 As opposed to fascist right-wingers, that just tell you how to live. Deviate from that, and you are worm food. Happy life, Pablo...
@@yomama9567 have you been asleep for the last 3 years ... all the current fascists are LEFT wing
I am not sure this would work. It's like you're on a diet and she encourages you to go in front of the window of the pastry shop, look but no touch, then go back home to have your soup in the hope the thought of the pastries would make it taste better...
Marco Germani there's no better description 👍🏽👏🏽
Marco Germani Nice analogy.
Great analogy BTW :D
Marco: if that's what would help you stick to your diet, then yes. Or it could be something more like buying the tiniest, least fattening pastry in the shop, then back home eating your healthy lo-cal soup and following it with half of the pastry. Next day the same. But her basic message seems to be 'Whatever works for you and your partner'.
Very nice analogy. I definitely agree with you on this, Plus, the very act of flirting so much, can't that tempt someone into keeping it goin?
The 50/50 divorce rate is incorrect. I'm surprise that she doesn't know that this is incorrect. She's using the Overton Window to try to change the traditional style of marriage. I've herd people talk about this before. These thoughts will lead to actions. Always have, always will. She's talking about emotional cheating.
This is why society is dissolving
Yeah this is a symptom of a demoralized culture
You mean lack of commitment and willingness to work through problems?
I might agree.
Society is breaking down because of trump supporters. They bring a myriad of problems to society.
Yep
Society isn’t dissolving. It is continually evolving. And perhaps your comfort with what other people may do, holding onto outdated norms. Not promoting monogomish, but not judging people and thinking culture is breaking down. This has gone on forever, but now it is being discussed and so what?
All couples are different and they need to find what works for them. One important key to long term satisfaction is open and honest communication. You can't make your partner happy if you don't know what they really want. Find what works for you and your partner and refuse to be bound by other people's idea of what a relationship should be.
Nah, I think I'm going to keep my plain old monogamous marriage. Hope my wife feels the same way...yeah I think she does. Maybe I will buy her something shiny tomorrow. Yeah.
its best u do that . wise man. Monogamish is like playing with fire.
Just keep providing shiny things or she'll find someone else who will. It's called hypergamy, and every woman is biologically programmed to practice it. Shiny things.
Haha heck yeah
@@ramjet5192 Not true just make sure she KNOWS you love her, tell her in every way you can think of. You can't buy love.
@@deblawson1575 Single now, but I've had some good relationships with good women with whom I'm still friends. All were professionals, like me, and all actually had good incomes. I never wanted kids, so that was an issue. Two who said they didn't like kids married guys with money and had kids. Another, who was a millionaire, adopted a child alone after we split. She managed environmental projects around the world, but quit to raise her daughter. While together, I was working 50-60 hours a week as a newspaper journalist, which certainly didn't pay enough to support a family without a second income. So, I took a second job on the weekends. Not sustainable.
In statistics, as well as my own experience, every woman I was with pressured me to earn more. With each, if we tied the knot, we would have been comfortably middle class. But each seemed to think they should have the option to quit working. That was the reality for me, and it still is for most men, jus as it was in the1950s. My reaction was not anger, but confusion. I completely supported women having equal access to any work, and as I entered adulthood, that mostly happened. But, in the end, none of my partners wanted to take on the responsibility that new equality required.
I'll stop there, since I'm sure you get my point. At my age, I'm semi retired as planned and know I couldn't afford a wife if I were looking for one. Good luck to the younger guys. If you plan to marry and have kids, don't expect to spend much time with them. Do, however, plan for work that pays well and that you'll enjoy spending most of your life doing. Good luck.
The real problem is people getting married and not knowing what love is when you love somebody you know it and there should never be another question about it the rest your life
So you show up at work in year 20 with the exact same enthusiasm as you did on day 1?
Sounds nice on paper. Seems unrealistic in practice...
I'm not suggesting the feelings in the relationship should change. There should be no doubt about the love part. But that said if you're doing the SAME thing forever, someone is bound to get bored.
And that was sort of the point of this talk...
You can add a little spice by incorporating a little mental fantasy as long as you establish the rules and boundaries of the playing field and the game, then both parties are interested in it. And you close it afterwards by remembering that it only lives in your heads, not in life.
It's not for everyone, but she was pitching it as a tool for some people's toolbox to keep the play fresh and novel for those feeling things may be getting a bit stale or repetitive.
But just because someone handed you a hammer doesn't mean you HAVE to use it...
@@mhuntprofessional I can understand and respect what you’re saying- and on certain days I’m on board 100%. My opinion as a 52 yr old, divorced, single, red neck - and we are talking about ‘marriage’ here: I’ve been in love with a woman- I’ve had women be in love with me-and no matter what we said to each other, how much we liked each other- I’ve never been in love simultaneously. I think that’s what makes a marriage. I think if you find yourself in that situation, things could never get boring. And I think if you’re not 100% in that situation, there’s no need to be even talking about marriage. It takes total honesty- which I feel is one of the 3 basic building blocks- to know if marriage is a potiential avenue and I don’t think there’s a a lot of honesty out there anymore. Or when the truth DOES finally surface, you find you’re married, and bored, and unhappy. Then- yes- pull all cards - I guess… but if the basic blocks were solid- you wouldn’t need crutches to hold it all together. But he’ll, idk- maybe I’m wrong to think this way , but I haven’t seen anything else work
Simultaneous love is the hardest thing in the Universe to achieve. I know, as it took 63 years for her to find me. We only had each other for 13 years before she died but I know what it feels like. Don't give up as she is looking for you right now.
1:57 There is a slight difference between your examples and marriage, if you don't make it to your destination safely you die, if your marriage fails you don't. And you arriving to your destination doesn't depend on you and your marriage does. Also, that statistic of 40% of marriages failing doesn't mean your marriage has a 40% chance of failing, if you go out and marry the first person you find you will have a higher probability than 40%, if you wait for the right person and you are willing to try to make things work it will be much higher than 40%. Marriage isn't the problem, it's getting married without really knowing who you are marrying, not seriously considering your life together, many people are happily married and for them marriage works.
Are you making these mistakes with your man? twitter.com/686ff9120e17a0814/status/804693412402241537 Monogaaaamish The new rules of marriage Jessiccca O Reilly TEDxVancouver
Not to mention knowing and accepting ourselves first!
Opening up the relationship leads only to let energies flowing out of the partnership destroying the commitment and trust. If she meant it like kind of motivator, it is also not the right one, waking childish games and intention to posess the partner instead of sharing life as a result of ones everyday free decision.
The reason for this statistic is the fact, that due to the messages our subconscious are constantly bombarded with from the media people become more and more egoistic and loosing the trust in the power of love (and I don't specifically mean romantic love here, rather universal).
Franklin Michael agreed
Your life is still in shambles as a man in a divorce. You automatically lose at least half of your wealth, plus alimony, child support, etc. Good luck rebuilding that life while forever in debt to your ex wife. It's possible but most are ruined.
I found my wife in church and was engage for 11 months. She cheated on me and worst wife I could imagine. Just because you're careful doesn't mean you're guaranteed that find a good wife.
I think she made her point well. It seems to me the fact that she's attractive seems to make some people doubt her sincerity and intelligence.
I've been married for five years and am working hard to do the opposite to build my marriage up again.
The opposite of what?
I hope your marriage is getting better. God has a plan for all of us and whether or not you two feel like it was meant to be, it is. Marriage isn't something you should take back, its what you will continuously change to repair and make stronger with new challenges.
Nedaaril1.....it has been a year, how is the marriage now?
I know what you mean. Good job on doing what you feel is the right way to repair your wounded marriage.
rutgers university
For every cheating, it starts with a thought, that was acted out in the long run.
yes and people should also beware about thinking about committing crimes, because then they'll act out on it too!
Absolutely 100%!! Check her marriage in another 5-7 years. Let's see where her "soul mate" is then... people please!! And we wonder what's wrong with society😬
A hidden thought, big difference to what the presenter is talking about
linda lamb lol this was posted 6 years ago. There are more than 1 ways to do a relationship.
@@PJ-hi1gz exactly...
Monogamy is the superior option for kids. It is hard by design because the benefits are great, but of course it has a high cost. Same as for everything in life.
All these people haven't had the chance to live through their entire lives and reflect back on it in totality, So you got to take a step back and ask - "Do you want Temporary happiness or lasting fulfillment ?"
I think you could have either one of those with any kind of relationship.
@@kbanghart you think that might be the case...I know, from experience such is not the case. In the short term you may find some pleasure. In the long term you will find only regret and loneliness.
@@ltcavret7574 I am sorry about your experience. I have been experiencing it long term myself, and my wife and I are quite happy with each other.
@@kbanghart I'm glad it is working out....I hope you can continue to grow a positive relationship
@Radford Tataryn lol permanent suffering?
I don't care how people have relationships but saying that one type or relationship is the new rule is a problem.
Truth is men have control over what will be the new norm
@@susuilu fro
Love the comments. I get what she is saying, I think. Marriage is something that needs both partners to be able to define their marriage. For that it's communication in the forefront, with alot of honesty.
Monogamy isn't a reason most marriage fails. Most marriage fails because people are scared to be alone and get into relationships nowadays or marriage for wrong reasons with somebody who's not really good for them. It's easy to be monogamous (mind and body) with the right person (not saying there is only one out there). Maybe that idea scares people with intense libido, but even them they just need to find the right fit.
I think so too, people get use to someone
the perverse or impatient ones including Jessica try to force convince the others that what applies to them also applies or should apply to the others because she's in crisis mode?
One critical thing not brought up here is how people in marriages become comfortable. Too comfortable. Comfortable to the point were we do not think of our partners like we did when we were trying too woo them. Comfortable in gaining weight and not providing emotional support we once might have. Comfortable like being in a job you cannot be fired from, until you are! Opening of the relationship should not be external but internal. Discuss continued wants and risks without feeling shame. I think much of what this woman talks about adds risk to your relationship for most people.
What happened to advice with words like “work”, “sacrifice”, “fidelity”?
Yeah, all that's sure worked well 😂
@B Z What about it?
@B Z I don't think they are
@B Z Also, the definition of feminism has nothing to do with open relationships. If you think so, please find me a source that says so.
I already do work at work. Why would I want to come home and do even more work? (Apologies-stole that from Jim Jefferies.)
Another fascinating talk that explains a solution, the lack of communication, as a reason and suggests a vague solution.
Marriage advice from the Pope, what could go wrong?
Met the bishop in the semenary, and waited for a holy ghost ....
Yeah, I get the joke but the Pope is probably a great source of advice. The faith based relationship, if honesty followed, is extremely strong!!!
I can say with absolute certainty that this set of ideas will only fly if the person you married has a reasonable degree of emotional intelligence and you can maintain a healthy intelligent dialogue, minus petty jealousies. Preceding that, it greatly helps to find someone who actually likes a little bit of variety, adventure, greatly aspires to personal development, and is reasonably introspective otherwise marriage version 1.0 won't work let alone marriage version 2.0. Yes, I can say this with the deepest conviction.
-By the way, don't even ask me how I know all of this...
Hey, actually while I think of it, is their anyone out there looking for an unwanted second-hand husband?
Just asking for a friend you see.
You just tell your wife that you like this type of girl...
And you will be in trouble for the rest of your life (even if she told you its fine to talk like that)
Not sure what is she talking about but this could ruin relationships.
So I guess you didn't watch the video? Actually, my wife would probably agree with her.
Your wife sucks , get a new one
@@fibsniper786 I assume you're talking about the Op
@Wally Reyes but they do
Uhm, if your wife is THAT insecure, you should probably encourage her to speak to a professional that can help her work through those insecurities. My husband and I frequently playfully discuss people we find attractive, and it's no surprise that we often find ourselves attracted to people who are our opposites. He sees me everyday, so people who resemble me aren't novel or exciting, and vice versa. Sometimes the women who catch his eye can make me feel insecure, but that's MY problem. That's ME devaluing myself and placing another woman above me. He's never said or done anything to make me feel that way. As women, we really need to learn to own our insecurities instead of berating our faithful and loving partners for being human beings with eyes and opinions. It's natural to be attracted to people who aren't our partners, it's also natural to feel insecure, but it's how we handle and respond to those natural feelings that can make or break a marriage.
You. Are. Not. Shameful. For. Having. Eyeballs.
I think the biggest problem is that people don't understand what marriage is when they go into it. Marriage isn't love, it is work. That isn't to say that you can't love each other, in fact I think that it is very important to marry someone who you love. But for some reason people think that when they get married they will love each other more. Marriage does not bring love, it brings responsibility and taking responsibility is what brings that long-term happiness and joy.
I'm a little surprised by all the hate that this video has generated - I think this subject has made a LOT of people uncomfortable. A large number of ppl are calling her a quack & maybe she needed some research articles backing up her statistics - many of which she's quoted ARE accurate, I've seen the studies - then maybe ppl would believe her. I think ppl should ask themselves WHY are you so threatened by the idea of "Monogamish"? And think for yourselves and what works for your relationship rather than what anyone else or any 2000 year old book tells you.
xuyahfish a 2000 year old book that's likely fake
+100000
Agreed. I think they are fearful because they don't really understand how it improves relationships but I've seen it first hand. It turns fear into fun and secret shameful desires into a playful conversation with your partner. It brings about understanding and closeness and trust. I love it
I'd take the wisdom of an ancient text over any politicized, tainted "study" from a modern, white coated high priest. This is common sense people. Don't need a study for common sense.
I prefer monogamy however my ex husband didn’t and cheated our entire relationship. I wish he could have just been honest with me, I’d rather have been told the truth than lied to and treated me as an equal.
The rush to assume that it's monogamy that is the problem and not other aspects of human relationships, particularly pre-marriage and particularly mental, is just too sad to see. We are getting stupider and more selfish as time goes on, it seems. Never has there been a time when our sexual desires trump all other things in life. We pick up one little thing and blow it out of proportion because our priorities aren't straight, and we have only two ounces of understanding about human history and even the current state of human affairs before we make grand and glorious conclusions about what we "should" be doing. And by the way, it simply isn't true that the only reason humans tend to dislike polygamous relationships, in whatever form, is because "it has been ingrained" into our brains. Talk to many women from continued polygamous relationships and they're not always happy either. Even people in the polyandrous societies can be found who prefer to have only one partner.
So what? Agriculture is also new to the human. Rational conceptualization is new to the human being. Our reptilian brains are much older. Education is new to the human being. So many things are "new". So what? "It's hard" is not an excuse. It speaks to our selfish, entitled culture and not to human capability or even our nature.
I agree with you. Maturity, self awareness, and life experiences should be examined in relationships in order to keep the individuals growing and the relationship lasting.
Human beings are not "programmed". They have the rational faculty called reason which means they have free will.
It's also sad to see how quick we are to assume that the chief goal out of marriage is happiness in the first place.
+Jeremy Reloj I agree with you on that one, people go into marriage on the assumption that it will make them happier to do it and they put a lot of pressure on the other person to make them happy. When that really is not a healthy way to go about it, nor a lasting premise. We need to be able to be happy with ourselves first and be able to keep ourselves happy before we even get into a relationship, let alone marriage.
How about talking about how polyamory and open relationships affects children's perceptions of their parents.
You mean the health relationships they have?
I knew someone who grew up with polyamorous parents and he loved his parents and had a close relationship with them.
I would disown my parents if that were the case. Don’t want me or my progeny to be associated with such selfish deviance.
@@ahmedharris4746 bet ya if your parents were poly you wouldn't be raised to think that way ;)
Magick Melangle Perhaps. But I am grateful that I wasn’t.
The stat that 50% of marriages fail does not mean that your marriage has a 50% of failure. There are indicators and features of individual relationships that can move this up or down.
But, on average, it has 50% chance of failure. Lol
Good point. Most people won’t understand what you wrote.
Professing themselves to be wise they became fools !
Who? Trump, yes.
@@kbanghart that's President Trump. And that's really pathetic.
She's amazing...giving advice with no moral basis or grounded set of values...what a dirtbag
@@ltcavret7574 You should relax, she sounds smarter than you
@@kbanghart nice try...insults only serve to illustrate my point
I urge all of you who have a problem with this video to watch the whole thing. She is not recommending actually agreeing to sleep with other people; instead, she is advocating for open communication. Many people feel "trapped" by marriage because they are pressured to only ever find their spouse attractive, when this is unrealistic. She suggests that couples talk about this and acknowledge that it's okay to find other people attractive and even incorporate them into fantasies with the understanding that there will be no actual activity with the third person. Another thing she discusses is watching porn together. Obviously, not all couples are comfortable with going this far, and that's fine. The important thing to do is to discuss your respective limits and acknowledge that sometimes, we find people other than our spouses attractive. She admits that feelings of jealousy and insecurity are normal, and again, the main point is COMMUNICATION. She's definitely not saying that everyone has to "share" their spouse, or "swing," or do anything wild like that. Obviously, if you're not completely comfortable with those things, they're not going to work. The important thing is that you discuss your and your spouse's boundaries and limits. Get it out in the open. What's okay? What isn't? THAT'S what's most important.
It’s interesting how when something feels “wrong / challenging” we seek to fix something external before dealing with our inner selves. In this case, the institution of marriage is the problem, not something within ourselves (character, morality, depression, addiction, etc). I’m not saying she’s completely wrong, but trying to point out how quick we are to shift blame and responsibility.
Sebastian Aste - I think that’s the point. Without the institution, that you say we’re hastily blaming, that behavior would be totally normalized. So, yeah, she is blaming the institution but those problems you’re saying we need to work on about ourselves wouldn’t be problems at all without the institution.
Was about to say the same thing. We first start with ourselves... We go to therapy, try to understand our beliefs about e.g. love that were formed when we were younger. We process the feelings we've been avoiding all our lives etc. We get to know ourselves. People need to learn how to be happy by themselves first... Highly recommend a book titled: You're The One You've Been Waiting For by R. C. Schwartz
Lady in Red thank you for sharing your knowledge 🙏
She is wrong. One the institution is there to direct towards God. Is it any doubt that as God has fallen out of society. Marriage has also fallen.
She is wrong. It will never work . Idea is dead on arrival, because it goes against original design
Together for 50 years. Beating the odds.
Marriage may have broken down because of the nuclear family. Everything falls on 2 people only and that can be super stressful. When extended family was in place the extended, parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, nephews, nieces, cousins. We had more support/ love. I think THAT held the marriage together.
The most brilliant comment, never thought of it this way.
This also explains why marriages in some cultures work more than in the West
The shame is now how devalued TED talks have become
True
We should reject our impulse to get someone younger, hotter, richer, or different. Our spouse is like our best friend, and we surrender our wills to keep a healthy marriage.
Creating fake scenarios, fake thoughts, fake desires, and expecting a real relationship 🤣 thanks for the advice.
sounds like monogamy to me...
Some other examples of fake activities : role play, telling a joke, putting on makeup on date night.
That's her job
Fake at first but leads to open marriage.
The most interesting thing I've learned from monogamy over time is how variable sexual satisfaction can be from one encounter to the next with the same partner, depending on mood, fatigue, inebriation, endocrine system function, etc. It's always at least OK, but sometimes it's *awesome* and sometimes I'm still thinking about the previous time afterwards. It just depends, and you can't control it. Now imagine I had only a one night stand with my partner and we both judged it based on whatever chance gave us on that occasion, while we were nervous strangers with each other. We would be trying to judge how compatible we were from a tiny sample size, and probably getting the wrong answer. That's with holding the "partner" variable constant; extrapolate to a string of different partners, and you can't help but attribute that inevitable variation to _them_ rather than random chance. This person's a terrible lover and you never want to see them again, that person's fantastic and you want more, but those signals are completely unreliable, because you were having a bad day, or they were having a great one, etc. No wonder such a person would keep looking and looking.
Wow, square/circular wheel was an extremely stupid example. No culture in history has ever used square wheels and then upgraded to circular; if you're talking about a real phenomenon, it should be easy to cite a real example. And wait, looking at other people but never acting on it is now not "monogamous"? Flirting but not following through is not "monogamy"? News to me. If you don't actually get to fuck anybody else, then this isn't even different from the status quo, and how it could possibly help with the 50% divorce rate is beyond me. She's basically pushing her (entirely bland, mainstream) personal kink and tastes, presented as somehow innovative, and assuming without evidence (where are the charts and p-values?) that it can help everyone. "If a strip club doesn't appeal to you, don't go." Really?? Wow! Mind blown! No one taught her how to pronounce 'panacea'! An "active" sex life doesn't even entail sex every _month_?? An old lady told bishops that sex matters---what's the point if we don't hear how they responded?? How do we know that the "thriving monogamy 2.0" couples aren't simply part of the 50% that wouldn't have had a problem under monogamy *1.0*?
Possibly the worst TED/x talk I've ever listened to. Just unbelievably awful on the very basics of presenting. Did she blow the person in charge of the speaking schedule?
+HebaruSan well said, a slam dunk, in my opinion. ;-)
+HebaruSan This is typical though, in today's "everybody with a degree is some sort of an authority" mentality. People who haven't lived 30 years are "experts" now. If you read a book, you "know" stuff, and can talk for an hour on the subject.
+HebaruSan common sense seems to be a luxury in the modern world. A society swimming in the other rather than the self. Extrospection vs Introspection. Inner-work demands much discernment than any outer-work. My question is who are the unconscious folks who even approved of this talk.
Well spake, +HebaruSan!
HebaruSan Right on!!!! I feel sorry for her "clients." Go back to your sketchy MTV swinger house and stay there.
Or.... MAYBE....maybe go to church and with the knowledge you learn there... you might be able to bring your success charts up with you....(or at least mention them) instead of your cellphone to take a selfie.
Yes. Take a selfie because you will NEVER be on another ted talk. 🙄 ohhh this world.
I may be "new school", but my husband and I entered our marriage knowing that this type of elasticity is not only normal, but expected. We both knew and know our relationship will change and evolve over time, but we vowed to each other to covet the vows of understanding, loving, and acceptance of change in both of us as individuals... And, we're excited for it! We want to grow individually, together! And that means in every way. And, like Jessica says, just because you stretch one way it doesn't mean a couple has to stay stretched... Because of the vows we gave to each other. Anyway... Long-winded way to say: love yourself, love your partner... Find what works for you, not what seems to work for others. You, as a couple, are in it together. Make it work for you.
Genuinely curious, this still working out for you?
What are you doing tonight? 😂
You say We're in a crisis,
and yet we're always in a crisis,
so really we're not really in a crisis.
So instead of admitting there are problems, just accept it?
How misleading! Guard your mind and heart for they are the wellspring of everything in LIFE
Mmm...no. if I wanted multiple partners I wouldn't get married.
That's not what she's saying at all. Next time maybe watch the video before commenting.
@@kbanghart what she's suggesting will lead to what she thinks her suggestion will avoid
@@poondaddy9992 I don't think so
@@kbanghart okay????
Care to elaborate?
@@poondaddy9992 elaborate? I disagree.
Don't get married at a young age even if you think you've met the right person, the world is very complicated today! There are more options/opportunities/opinions etc. then ever before. Give yourself time to learn and grow, eventually you will come to know the the type of person you are and the type of person you want in your life. Most people don't want a player/flirt as their partner. At the end of the day it really comes down to you and what you want. Speaking for myself, being faithful, honest and committed give's me a strong foundation I can build on, it's what I want and what I choose for life partner.
On point! Toying with anything other than what God intended marriage to be leads to misery and death!
Her theory is filled with so many fallacious arguments and incoherent statements, it is literally repulsive.
I have a friend who’s been practicing a version of this with her husband for 13 years. She’s stunning. A home maker. Intelligent. Does not have any social media accounts, but her husband always wants more. He’s constantly threatening divorce because he’s never happy and he’s always trying her to see how far he can get. No thank you. This won’t work for everyone
She didn't say it would for everyone.
@@neldanie I get that. But I have an opinion anyway.
My girlfriend does that she constantly sees how far she can push me. It's very irritating and I'm probably going to leave her soon.
@@nathanaelmarler8874 too much “just be yourself” and “the right person will love you for who you are” going on out there. So many people are putting each other though the ringer instead of actually trying to make things easier for their significant other. You’re either loyal or you’re not. You either have integrity or you don’t. I’ve learned that actions may speak louder than words, but character is the only constant. I want you to know that you may be resilient , but that doesn’t mean you deserve the beating. Life throws us enough punches. I hope she truly knows how you feel and you set some boundaries. If she abuses those boundaries then she has no respect for you. I wish you well
Your friend should divorce his wife and set her free. She doesn't need that
yea and what happens when the "elastic band" stretches too far one time?... It snaps and pokes u in the eyeball, after which it will never go back to the same shape
No chance that amoral deviant's "elastic band" is snapping back.
She explained this. It can’t break.
As a polyamorist...I totally agreed with this! After 22 years of monogamy too.
+Penny Clark why did you get married?????
Spiritual contract.
Penny Clark
so...... as in Bible perception or, you signed a ghost paper.... :P
It all starts with, " How I see myself" " How I 'Think' you see me".
A a therapist, open relationships have SERIOUS impact on the kids
What kinda impact in particular?
Did you watch the video?
Only fools would be into this with kids in the house.
So do unhealthy monogamous relationships. Lol your comment is pretty polyphobic and provides no context.
Edit: if couples actually communicate with their kids instead of trying to hide their non-conformist lifestyle, or god forbid actually provide a healthy climate of criticism of an incredibly inflexible "till death do us part" lifestyle, then there's hope.
@@msp2965 Polyphobic? Give me a break...