You kind of went into narcissistic parents, but I would appreciate a similar episode where you go into how to deal with narcissistic parent - kid relation.
My parents will hit me with "You will thank me later once you are grown up." They cannot see a future where I am unhappy with the decision that they made for me.
probably they try to make up for their mistakes on your life instead reconciling with theirs, thats a valid way if they explained their reasons, but currently they just cause you pain
@Jennifer Wang children are entitled by default. It's up to the parents to able to get tru to the child and teach them the ways of the world tru empathy. Which is hard and most parents can't do it.
I once said to my Dad: "Can't we have a reasonable discussion like two adults who see eye to eye? We both have the same rights, we are both equal human beings." He replied: "No, you don't have human rights, you only have daughter rights." I am a western woman in my 30's.
My father will say that I'm the child and copy mom when she says "we are on different levels" as if parents can do whatever they want and can abuse their children. Then he wil say "you're not a child anymore, you're an adult." So start treating me lik ea fucking adult.
The other people in the comment section: "just wait it out till you're 18" meanwhile I'm sitting in a room I'm renting out off of welfare, at 16, because my family was abusive and the children's aid society determined that I was better off out of there by myself. I agree with them.
@@comend1910 I remember feeling that way. After I turned 18 and went on my own it was liberating. Just hang in there and don't let drama get too out of control. Start pre-meditating how you are going to become independent, what you will do to make it work.
@@jesseperez4185 If they were naturally empathetic and willing to negotiate, you probably wouldn't even need to have that conversation in the first place.
"You being upset by the injustice, doesn't actually, by itself, change the injustice. [...] This is something I know is confusing to the internet." By far my favorite moment of the video.
@Kyoutube Bhogle I don't think that's the point. I (Asian) was psychologically abused by my parents, and other people around me reinforced that abuse by validating them and invalidating me. Am I upset this happened? Of course! However, I don't plan to "fix the injustices" of the society I am in. I control myself first (e.g. working on anger management), then what's around me (e.g. get associated with the right people). At this point, I am happy and so are the people around me that I decided to be with. What more do you ask for? I couldn't care less about whatever the fuck that happens in the society because I can't do shit about it. The fact that one could get caught up about trying to fix an entire society is a proof that one is being caught up about something they have no control over of (meaning they aren't healed), instead of things they actually do have control over of. The current political climate, both the right (e.g. white nationalists) and the left (e.g. modern feminism), basically do the exact opposite of what people should be doing (if they want to be happier): they blame the society or certain part of the society. The individuals in such movement tend to have troubled past of their own that is being projected onto the society. You would know this if you watch this channel. And I know this personally too because I was part of it (and on both spectrum). So it's a microscopic problem that is being expanded into a macroscopic problem. But let's face it. Global Emotions Report (which surveys individual subjective happiness and life satisfaction) shows that top 10 countries with the happiest people includes virtually zero developed nations. How has any of the political movement made anyone happier than when they didn't exist? Why do the most progressive societies never make it to top 10 of the Global Emotions Report for the past decades?
@@ifluxion 100% If an individual is dissatisfied with some aspect of the culture in which they live, they have essentially 3 choices: 1. Shrug and accept it (this is what the vast majority of people do). 2. Try to change it (very hard). 3. Recognize that as individuals, we all have the power to simply not follow a particular cultural practice or accept a widely-held idea. "Be the change you want to see in the world." This can also be hard, because it may profoundly affect our existing social connections. Sometimes, the fiercest pushback comes from envious conformists who wish they had the courage to do the same. It is up to each of us to find acceptance of that and/or find people to surround ourselves with who agree with or at least accept our choices.
Genuinely incorrect and a frankly stupid statement to make, with all due respect. That's just Dr. K's centrist radlib showing through. He's as much a protector of capital interests as any other capitalist owner with employees will be driven to be, especially when your entire industry is predicated on a clientele who are capable of accessing services that cost in excess of $100/hr, whether privately or subsidized by virtue of some privilege. He, like most such centrist therapists/counsellors/etc, also feels ethically compelled to justify and excuse an otherwise unjustifiable system of socioeconomic-ethnic violence and hierarchy, that exists for no other reason than perpetuating it's own classism for the benefit of capital owners in perpetuity, because "too big, can't change, hurrrh" instead of just *accepting socialism like jfc bruh*
im 33 years old and im convinced the 2 generations above me were raised horribly, and are a big part of most issues in the world, especially actual baby boomers
Oh I'm pretty sure this is an issue as old as time. Imagine, with all the teenage parents there used to be before contraception was a thing, all of the immature people who were parents for thousands of years. It's easy to pinpoint reasons for the past few generations because we know them well and have a lot of info on them. But there's no particular reason to think those before were any better, imo
I really don't understand parents sometimes. It's like making your way through a maze avoiding mines and if you step on a mine your parents get mad at you.
Walking on eggshells is a defining feature when dealing with toxic people. That's most likely Narcissistic parents, possibly to the degree here they can be diagnosed with a personality disorder. There is no reasoning with them or trying to understand them at that point and their aim is to make them feel better about themselves since they are constantly filled with self hatred and inner turmoil or are even in competition with their children. It's sad and disorienting at the same time trying to deal with them.
I don’t think your parents fucking know what sociopath means 😶 Seriously dude, good for you. I know that cutting your parents off is not always an option, but I’m glad you managed. A lot of people are better off without their parents, but I feel so so horrible for knowing that so many people don’t have anyone to run back to.
So basically... you need to be the parent of your parents, by guiding them slowly as if they're some teenagers in rebellious phase... LMAO, thats funny and sad at the same time
they’re emotionally idiotic, of course they’re going to be stuck as a rebellious teenager well into their adulthood. they can’t physically fathom that other people, especially their own children, have emotions or opinions that they don’t like. they basically see their kids as their property, and if they don’t act “right” then they’re broken.
@@zimbim7562 damn, you nailed it. Plus expecting them to act like robots as in "If you don't do everything I tell you and don't follow my every word and opinion, you will be punished. No opinions, no emotions, no freedom to do whatever without harsh judgement."
@@yudoball like I kind of agree but also most parents only go through it once most parents have to first time it so they just go with what they learned from their parents but yeah idk
I had an Indian friend in college who's parents were very controlling. They forced her into computer engineering bc that's what her dad did, and they refused to let her date bc they wanted to arrange her marriage as theirs was arranged. She suffered with severe anxiety and depression and had really stunted social skills and I have no doubt that her parents have almost everything to do with that. It's a very sad situation.
Given the decline of good western relationships, arranged marriage may be a good thing. I'm sure she was mad she couldn't participate in college hookup culture
@@John-du2mq if you want to be in an arranged marriage go for it but don’t say stupid shit like declining quality of relationships as if you went out and did a study on it, how many Indian women or southeast Asian women you spoke to who were put in an arranged marriage you know John? Are they happy John ? Do you know?
@@daasocialninja4804 dw about him he's just parroting reactionary talking points about progress and the scapegoat enemy allegedly causing society to fall apart as opposed to the myriad of more complex issues embedded in the society that require more thought and analytical understanding to comprehend
i liked the bit about "how they treated you is sowing the karmic seeds for how you treat them" my parents seem to have completely forgotten about the seeds they planted in the terrible way they interacted with me in middle / high school, and keep wondering why i don't want to be around them as a college student.
Same here bro, they were awesome when I was younger (till like 10 y/o) when i didnt have an opinion but since then they couldnt give less of a fuck of what I think/want
my only remaining parent decides to still regurgitate the line about "you never made me worry when you were 5 years old, you were better at 5 years old than you are now" and HOW IN THE EVERLOVING FUCK IS SAYING THAT HELPFUL IN ANY SHAPE OR FORM
My mom once said something similar, that she missed the time when me and my sister were like 10 y/old, because back then we were obedient and did not argue when she said something. Parents just want compliance, they don't want a thinking person let alone an adult with them. And then they go like "but why my sons don't talk to me"
This sounds like a genuinely good advice in most cases. When you're dealing with an extremely fragile ego even the most calm, collected and thoughtful question like that might cause an absolute meltdown.
Try the "Grey Rock" technique. Remain calm and being as unemotional as possible as they have their meltdown. think of them like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum (on some level that is actually hat is going on inside their brain). Don't react emotionally, just respond calmly. Dr. Ramani is a good resource for going grey rock and dealing with toxic types btw
@@hansonel Theramin Trees is also really good for stuff like this relating to toxic relationships and guilt tripping (amongst some other really interesting things)
My dad does this. He can be very fragile to things and can freak out over very little. I remember one time, he asked me to bring some trash outside. I said ok, but for some reason couldn’t tie the top together. He tried to do it, saying that “I should know how to do it” but he couldn’t either. This prompted me to quietly chuckle (involuntarily) and I immediately tried to cover it up. But he BLEW UP. Screaming in my face, and grabbing my arm. He was so close some spit flew on my face.
Unfortunately a lot of these situations require a decent amount of financial independence which in todays world in a lot of places is very hard to achieve at the age where these issues really start to affect most people, but other than that this is amazing
@20:04 this really does work. I have a very controlling mom & when I moved out I realized that when she started making me uncomfortable I could just leave. So I did. Every time I would visit, if she made me uncomfortable (usually it was her screaming about various things), I would tell her that I didn't want to be there any more and I would go home. It took a few times, but eventually she got the picture and it stopped It was really hard at first because I have younger siblings that still lived with her at the time and I didn't want to make things worse for them, but once I started setting boundaries for myself it actually made it easier for them to do the same
That indian kid in the beginning handled it very professionally. If it was someone else, he would have absolutely raged when his mom unplugged the PC. Respect +
Sorry, can I have some advice? My mom is older and also is dealing with grief right now. I am planning on moving out too, but occasionally, I get sad thinking that I'll be leaving my mom alone like this. But I do think it's for the best.
@@redacted4176 i dont think we should be the one to give you that advice as there is a lot of context missing. Everyone's parents and lives are unique and have different challenges so go find a professional help about it. Take this with a grain of salt but imo, what do you think if you are grieving and someone close to you leaves you and you are all alone? What would you feel?
Dr.k "Make them think, and do not threaten them" Dr.k explaining example "If you continue to be like this... *Clocking the Glock* I'm not so sure that I want you to be in my life"
I think he meant not to have a threatening tone because that'll just escalate the situation to a personal screaming match Imagine someone punching a human sized boulder. How fruitless and futile it would be to try to move a boulder that way, and that person giving up and just conceding they don't have that power. Then BECOME that boulder, not threatening not angry just...a thing that they have no power over anymore. That's Dr. K's genius I'd argue. Changing minds not through force but calm resolve and empathetic reasoning.
try to seem as least threatening as possible* I'm a social butterfly of sorts and throughout my life I've encountered entitled people. The best way I've found to deal with them, is if you mention your grievances and they ignore you, that's it. After that, don't even tell them. Just move on. This results in people learning their mistakes at a higher percentage and humanity being overall better, in my opinion, even if I may have not gotten the "result I want". That has to count for something in the grander view of things. I'll suffer so others don't have to. and IMO the "shock" of the thing coming out of nowhere creates a VASTLY more memorable and nearly impossible to avoid lesson for that party. 10/10 recommend. If they do contact you and ask, feel free to be honest (after a decent period of time and you're sure they've introspected to heck by then; a week is too short for example)
All I heard when my mom said that she pays the bills so she gets control was that I needed to pay bills asap so she could no longer have a say...which is exactly what happened. The literal second I was paying for all my own things...she had nothing and just got laughed at when trying to control me at 17. I had become a manager at a pizza place, owned my car, owned my phone, everything. She told me I couldn't just be out until 2am (I was at waffle house, it wasn't like I was doing drugs or anything) and I just laughed at her and asked if she was going to ground me and how she was going to do that when I own all my stuff. Don't make rules you don't want used against you
I once did not call my parents on a regular basis in college (I was paying half my tuition but my parents paid for my car and the other half of tuition). I didn’t call them for 2 weeks and they never contacted me. They didn’t visit me at college even once. They find out I’m visiting a friend 1 hour away for the weekend to work on a project. They call me, tell me they’ve never been so disappointed in their lives, threaten to take away the car if i don’t call them more often. I cried my eyes out in my friend’s basement that day. How would I feel loved at all? They never contacted me and wanted me to read their minds. Next thing you know they call me and say they will no longer be helping with my tuition. I say okay, I’ll take out a loan. They were shocked I was okay with that. They used everything they could to control me. Why on earth would I call them after that or want any relationship with them? I had to become financially independent before we could have a relationship. Otherwise I could barely live.
“Inviting them to think” is unfortunately interpreted as threat. How dare I invite them to think?😀 My mum quickly spirals into blame, making me feel quilty, grandiose self-pity and practical punishments - cutting my support etc. There is always that one person that is better than me she can point to in a given narrow area and make me feel ashamed. This person studies better. That one already has kids (and dropped out). This other person works part time to earn money while studying. (and studies easy school and parents gave him own flat at 18yo). Seems that as long as I’m powerless, it’s better to play along. Unfortunately the meddling and not respecting boundaries gets worse and it cripples my ability to finish med school, which requires long stretches of focus and strict daily planning of my own, which inevitably gets heavily, heavily interrupted by unimportant BS. This in turn makes me bitter, hopeless, anxious, ashamed and even more controlable. Because their “objective” arguments about me being piece of shit are kinda true, right? They are the biggest supporters of the “you are falling behind” theory I should work so hard to get rid of, lol. It’s almost as if they think me feeling really ashamed is what will cause me to finally “man up” and “be motivated”. They started the “you haven’t given us grandchildren yet, wtf” debate on their own. It’s a bit unfortunate power struggle to say the least.
True, situations like these are easier once you are an adult with a stable job and finances where you can actually be independent and live your life alone or with someone else. Though arguments where you are "compared" to others does not mean you should be just like them right? Life is not a race. The bright side of finishing your education is your first step to freedom really. This is where Dr. K's strategy comes in, our parents will eventually grow old and need someone to care for them, you can provide for them but you don't have to be with them. That also doesnt mean you dont love them, you have your own life to take care of as well once an adult.
My mother is the same. Eventually I could move out and my mental health improved drastically although I still have trouble putting boundaries and sticking to them and I'm 28... I'm progressing very slowly 😫
All this advice assumes that parents are willing to listen to their child. What about parents that do not pay attention to the child's questions, or outright dismiss them, because they "know better"? As useful as this advice was, and as interesting as the stories were, they do not portray the majority of the problems. Most people I know whose parents are extremely controlling / narcissistic are people with parents that never listen to them / never pay attention to them, so said people never do anything cause they deem it a waste of time (and rightfully so) . Any advice for such occasions? I hate seeing people whose potential for growth is squandered because of their parents.
oh man the whole "know better" thing hits close to home, I still live with my narc. parents and no matter what I say to explain myself or give my reasons on a certain situation, they think I am trying to instigate a fight.
They dont know better. Once you become independent you realize they know little more than you do, and they've just been regurgitating the same crap their parents told them without doing a shred of research or forethought as to the consequences. My advice is always to become financially independent and tell those fuckers to peace out. (You move out and do what you want.) That's what all my siblings did and it's the best thing that's ever happened to us.
The reason it is important to put your foot down is not to convince your parents that you are right, rather it is to show them that what they think is best for you does not align with what you want for yourself. If they can’t accept that, then that is their problem not yours.
@@Digitalman271 "Become financially independent" While this advice is good, do not forget that being financially independent differs from country to country, and a lot of people don't have the patience or mental fortitude to work AND have those parents control them at the same time. While financial independence is great, and getting the fuck out of your parents' reach is a great first step, it requires a ton of variables that are out of your control. The point is to get heard now, not after like 8 years, and after having moved out. The point is to take steps to better your current condition, not change it after a long time.
Not my responsibility to try and gain a relationship with someone who didn't respect or listen to my own thoughts and reasoning. I have very entitled and narcissistic parents. I very rarely talk to them. And when I do, it's in my own terms. They seem to show little signs of respect here and there, but have established a way of treating me that can't be solved in just 1 conversation. Good luck everyone, and thank you Dr. K
My grandmother has been the entitled parent to my mother. I can tell you that the whole thing where the entitled parent finally says "What can I do to respect your boundaries?" has never happened. Whenever she was backed into a corner she just burst into tears.
Eh, your grandmother might find herself dead because of the "crying wolf" bursting into tears shtick. My own grandmother did the victorian lady "and I will swoon and cry about how horrible I am feeling" as a way of guilting and controlling the family into doing what she wanted. I was the youngest and the last one who stopped believing her. Naturally, when she DID get sick, no one believed her because she was acting the same way she did when she tried to control us.
I don't tolerate crocodile tears from anybody who behaves like this, and am inclined to keep pushing until they're very real tears and it's a moment they won't soon forget. That said, my family doesn't engage in this degenerate behavior that necessitates such a response in the first place.
The hardest thing to remember is to not expect this advice (or any advice) to fix the situation. Nothing will fix the situation. The only thing we can do is navigate the situation in a way that is most optimal for our own mental health. The only justice I will ever taste is the secure knowledge that I’d rather be me than either of them.
Problems with entitled/narcissistic parents will continue indefinitely. I’m a 28 year-old grown man living an independent life in a different state from where I grew up. We all went to a cousin’s wedding, and I went solo. My parents tried to drag me through the mud for “abandoning” the event because after the dancing started post-dinner/speeches/etc, I was done drinking, didn’t want to dance, and wanted to go to sleep because I had a 14-hour drive the next day. I had talked to everyone that weekend, and said my goodbyes to the bride/groom. But my parents were mad that I didn’t text *them* that I left the party. They said “but we were concerned because we’re your parents” - maybe that would matter if I was 14! Entitled/narcissist parents don’t know how to transition into the “post-parenting” stage of life and fall back on that role to excuse improper behavior
This is fucking hard. I don't know if I'll ever be able to have that kind of a conversation. Dr. K says my leverage is my memory, but it's my biggest flaw. With my history in childhood I've developed a mechanism to forget. So I can't even argument what happened in the past...
start keeping a diary right now of all the things that happen. When you have a bit of data you can use that as your external memory and you won't have to rely so much on yours. Also, you don't need a lifetime of data points to start this process. If you can say "you are doing this at least since 6 months" it should be good enough.
@@Serena-or7sl I usually forget to look at my notes, or a diary before contacting my mother, since, well, I don't remember why I should in the first place. It's really stupid how this works. Maybe, I will magically remember this interview the next time this happends.
go to therapy. Doing this on your own can feel scary so if you think it will be too difficult, a family therapy session could be helpful. I will do the same thing with my mom (we have been living in dif countries for 5 years and the relationship has just fallen apart cause i just stopped answering her calls since she doesn't respect my boundaries). Shes coming back in 2 months so having my therapist reassurance is kind of comforting since i feel really anxious about the power dynamic coming back. I hope you the best on this journey, but really going to therapy will help you even to remember stuff. When I started i didn't remember half of the stuff that she did that affects me until today
Get a job. Separate your bank account from your parents once your 18 (so they cant steal your money) and peace out. Me and all my siblings ghosted my parents on several occasions because they couldnt learn boundaries. Now my parents stay the flip out of what isnt there business.
@@Digitalman271 Sorry, not looking for that kind of advice. It's more about how to communicate with them and if I even should. So in your case you just don't talk?
The best thing you can ever do is become financially independent and MOVE THE FREAK OUT. Tell your parents to peace out and do what you want. Doesn't have to be emotional. Doesnt have to be dramatic. Just has to be fast. Take care of yourself.
Well that is one option, and I think the most important thing is that if it works it works. But I would say that by doing this you give up an opportunity to grow closer to them. Because it is possible to connect to them. Maybe it needs some time and distance, or alternatively a good bit of courage, but it is possible.
THIS! you cannot heal with the blade still stuck in the wound. sucks that you can't do much when you are under 18-23 depending on which country you live in (not all countries have easy student loans; parents usually pay for university in mine).
It’s not that easy. I live in the US with my mom alone, if I leave her I will have to live with the guilt and shame of leaving her by herself in this country and some ppl like myself can’t handle that
nah, they deserve to feel like shit, make it grandiose just like all the years of suffering they imparted on you, make them regret everything for the rest of their lives, might aswell get some restraining order if possible just to piss them off family reunions
Whenever I make my dad realize a mistake he made and how hurtful it was for the entire family, he goes completely silent, doesn't talk to anyone for a couple of days. Then, he comes back and acts as if nothing happened and we let it slide. This has been happening for too fucking long. I feel like it is impossible to make some people learn, they are just here to hurt you. They realize the mistakes, yet they never change because changing would mean that they have to treat the family members as equal and my father does not want to lose the position of superiority.
My dad did the same. Didn't like to be questioned or challenged, but like to analyze and critisize everyone else, saying he could hurt whoever he wanted in his own house. No you can't dad, not without losing people.
As a son with an explosive temper with a father with an explosive temper, this is gonna be hard. We clashed SO much over the years because I just learned that without exploding, my stance won't be respected. I used covid as an excuse to not come home for christmas last year. I think I'll be honest next time though - this video ended up being a really good pointer. It also FINALLY explains why I only (and I mean ONLY) explode when clashing with my father. Any other argument, with any other person or friend, I can be as calm and measured as necessary. It's just him. And I think this stuff about boundaries is exactly why. Because he's very authoritarian and I only ever learned to explode to stand up to that.
My younger brother has the same issues. He used to get beaten up by his "friends" at school and he'd be cool with that. But when dad had something to say he'd immediately go caveman brain and rage. He's somewhat better now as he's growing, but they still clash sometimes on minor things.
We are learning animals that do what works. If it works, we do it. The fact that getting angry is what worked reinforced your learning that you should just get angry to resolve the issue even if it wasn't the correct way to go about it. It could happen with any other response to the situation as well. It's essentially beating a trained emotionally response into someone like it is muscle memory. For me when I get stressed on something I used to just shutdown because that is what worked for me and there are still lingering tendencies. Asking questions and trying to get others to see my point of view was pointless is what I decided on. I'd quite literally refuse to interact with others no matter what even if it brought physical punishment immediately or later. Of course getting out of school and into the real world you realise quickly that you can't just ignore all of your problems in life and that I was simply relying on the fact that parents probably won't kill their own child and if they did it wasn't my problem anymore. But now that I have to be financially independent after spending the entire start of my life entirely absent from my own life because that was the coping method I fell into.
I also think there’s an element of kin selection. Especially when you’re a kid/teen, your parents are punching bags because they can’t leave you. Makes kids sound like kidnappers, but it’s kind of true! I know when I was a kid, I was very civil with everyone outside my family, but then I would yell at my parents because I trusted them- I didn’t trust friends or other people to still want me around after I yelled at them, so I didn’t yell at them. But I still had emotions to get out of my system so I yelled at my parents because they were genetically programmed to want me around even if I’m an asshole. Obviously something you need to grow out of as an adult but I think this is still fairly normal if you’re a teenager.
Sometimes, people who get high off of having the advantage in a power dynamic choose to become parents. It's... human nature to want power, and one of the easiest ways is to be a parent to someone who will be absolutely dependent on you. I see some people in Twitch chat were stating how sometimes parents can come across as entitled or controlling when they actually are doing the right thing. To that - I say that still there needs to be a proper amount of communication and understanding between parent and child, no matter how young, to establish TRUST between parent and child. Most of us would be surprised how even the youngest of children can on some level understand what's the "right thing" to do, and would be even easier to do this moving forward the earlier you start as a parent. If you set up the expectation that you're doing this for the right reasons, the child will naturally be more inclined to actually listen.
There's a clear difference between strict parents and bad parents. There are strict parents who are good and strict parents who are bad, like my father who was extremely strict and an alcoholic
True, you can be a strict parent and have clear boundaries and explain to your child that you are just trying to build good habits. Kids really can't be allowed to run wild, they need guidance or else they would never learn anything.
The there is also the parents who just don’t care. My father has been an addict his entire life and raised me by himself and gave me all the freedom in the world. Kids with strict parents always envyed my freedom, but to be honest I really believe the lack of structure did more harm than good.
I'd make the conclusion that they simply don't regard me as a human. Doesn't mean I'm not one. The issue is clearly with them and not me. I only reached this conclusion because I had friends growing up and they DID make me feel respected and human, and from that dichotomy I realized something was very wrong with the way I was being treated at home.
@@GrandpaRanOverRudolf For me since the abuse was more covert, and she always made it very clear that I was exhausting her, when I was like 5 years old, I believed her, I tried to make myself as small as possible so I don't exhaust her even more. But then when I was old enough to question things I didn't want to be treated like a pushover anymore she didn't like it and we fought a lot. It's so nice that you has friends that made you feel valuable. I saw my school friends as my family so it really hurt when I graduated. Me I realized it was wrong because I realized I would never talk to someone the way she talks to me, and I was in such emotional pain there had to be something wrong. Or when I watched TV I thought the mothers were way too kind and it was unrealistic. But then I was like "it would be nice if people could treat each others like that", so I became a good person.
One of the biggest issues in these kinds of relationships is that things often only get "resolved" when power becomes at least somewhat even. It usually becomes a "game" of holding on, letting go, and trying to stomach how things are.
That's what most things in life boil down to in the very end. You just have to make sure that once _you're_ the one with power, you don't abuse it like how other people did to you. End the cycle. I say people instead of parents because this can also apply to other jobs like teachers, bosses, etc.
That bothers me so very much. If somebody was shitty to me due to a power dynamic I can't find a reason to forgive them. Just because we're equals now simply hides the problem, it doesn't necessarily make them better people. I can't in good conscience hold them in a good regard because doing so might give them other dependents.
agreed and i'm sorry but this the only time i have to disagree with Dr. K cutting toxicity out of your life is cutting toxicity out of your life. I cut ties at 23, i'm 32 and i haven't regretted it. I just wish the message in this video was okay so yes this all does sound like narc parenting and two try to make it work but you are not a failure if you have to cut ties for your own mental well being it's okay you can have a happy life without people making you miserable all the time. Also you don't owe your parents anything for raising you, they signed up for it, it was their responsibility and the minimum to feed, clothe and put a roof over your head so I feel like that example of the son paying his parents bills could be misleading to some who are already made to feel they owe their parents for this bare minimum.
I even went through the process of changing my surname. It was a great liberation for me. My existence is no longer tied to a bad man, and no longer tied to someone else's priorities. I begin my own family tree/history
I mean, growing up i knew my dad wasn't a good parent and neither was my mom. They were controlling as hell. I could never do right, i would always get spanked for random reasons and everyone was "because i said so" instead of being explained. I felt i couldn't do anything right ever. My mom has since apologized for being a bad mom when i bring up my rough ass childhood. My dad is in denial that I was ever mistreated. And I guess it's safe to say that's why they divorced this year after 30 years because when I could no longer be bossed around as a kid, my dad started bossing and controlling my mom which is why she left him. My moment of awakening and realizing that this wasn't the way kids should be treated was very early. I became aware of it at the age of 7 that i would never treat my kids this way when i become a father some day. Rough shit.
White as fuck parents and did the same to me mate. Like he said, there’s a stereotype but a minority of most racial groups parent this way as well And on some level I almost wish my parents were Asian because at least they would have driven me hard and I probably would have been a doctor or a lawyer by now. My entitled white parents still wanted to be all like “follow your dreams, do what you want, we’re not gonna tell you how to live your life, set your own path” while simultaneously being like “you want freedoms? Sorry nah” Edit: please excuse the ways in which this sounds competitive or “I had it worse” I’m really just trying to share my experience, and doing so works me up a bit so there’s probably some aggression in my writing. But it’s not meant to invalidate anyone else’s experience
@@BD-yl5mh In the US, the reason for the stereotype is that most Asian parents are immigrants. The 3rd and 4th gen Asians are extremely watered-down versions of those parents. However, this controlling atmosphere stems from immigrants coming from third-world countries. They couldn't depend on the government to support them like in 1st world countries, so the children become the retirement plan. So they control a lot of what they do because they're afraid of their retirement plan peacing out of them. While I do understand the situation, I'm not really sympathetic to it.
@@BD-yl5mh My parents were more on the liberal side of letting me make my choices. However, they did have some moments where they were controlling, I say this even now as an adult.
According to some professors in the new age, the most addictive type of narcissistic behavior is attack/devalue/discard style. It's more addictive than cocaine. You attack the child (criticize), you devalue them (I'm the parent I'm infinity times you!), then you discard them (ignore or such) if they have anything to say after. It's the same process schoolyard bullies use.
I have an experience with an Asian parent re: the chat comments about how there can be a language barrier with these parents. These concepts can be translated, and they do exist within our communities and language, it was that my parents literally faked not being able to understand me to avoid the emotional work, also feigned amnesia or forgetting abuse to gaslight was a particular technique.
Lol my mum would literally just start attacking and threatening me if I were to ever question our relationship, how decisions are made, what might happen when I get independence etc. Mine expects me to stay forever, get married (to someone she can control) and have kids which she'll look after while I work. She would purposefully sabotage me/ put obstacles in my way to ensure I don't gain independence. In cases like these, the only option is to leave. Trying to get parents like this to understand is pointless and it's better to not discuss the future. With time, they will either stop trying to be controlling if they really value the relationship, or you'll need to stop talking to them entirely.
i feel you. I told my mom that when i get a job eventually i want to move out and she said i have to get married first ( arranged marriage). I just hope i can be free one day.
Oof this video has shown me that I need vastly more practice laying and particularly sticking to my boundaries with my family, especially my parents. Although my parents aren't full entitled and have changed a good deal as time has gone on, there's definitely tendencies that keep popping up and I keep giving them the benefit of the doubt only to get burned later.
I hate to say it like this you have treated the situation like they are giant children. If you give them an inch, they will go a mile. Don't cave on the boundaries and only then will you get some modicum of respect.
There’s not enough people talking about how dire the bad parents issue is today. My parents came from the “kids should be seen and not heard” generation, which has always struck me as DEEPLY problematic.
Wow that whole "I'm not going home because you don't respect my boundaries" conversation went pretty smoothly. If I tried to do that to my parents, they'd just get angry at me by either calling me ungrateful or unreasonable. No attempts at civil conversation, only rage and guilt-tripping. I've found that it's often more effective to just ignore them.
Uhhhh all of this sounds veeery familiar. :/ Unfortunately, asking parents about power dynamics and respecting opions just ended up in parents even further pushing their entitlement. ...so I left.
@@Kriliska in some asmr video I think about astronomy. I asked you about your avatar and you told me you drew it and said your alias was something along the lines of "the burning question". idk how long ago but months ago I think.
Even when I was growing up, I've always observed that parents are abusive by nature because of how much power they wield. Most parents don't know how to control that kind of power and become low-key abusive. I came to this epiphany in junior high when I owned a cat. I said to myself "holy shit, I can COMPLETELY control if this cat survives or not; if I don't feed it or give it water and keep it in the house, it'll eventually die. Damn." I was 13 or so at the time. Don't worry, I didn't entertain that. I made sure to take care of my cat. But that observation DID cross my mind back then. Don't think many parents see it that way. At all. They just get too excited to start a family or like Dr. K says their own upbringing gets them to project their own pain onto their kids.
Not to mention that a lot of people have a kid just so they could experience that absolute power over someone. I've heard this exact feeling of high explained to me by a parent. It's nuts.
As a 30 year old who has completely cut my father off for the last six months unexpectedly (my mom has been cut off for years and will probably stay that way), this is immensely helpful. I've been wanting to at least give him the decency of an explanation why. I have been putting it off for longer than I have intended, because I knew I'd get emotional explaining my reasons, if I wasn't cut off in defense and have the whole conversation unravel. This gives SUCH a good breakdown and outline into how I can approach it. Part of my apprehension is knowing just because I can explain it, doesn't mean anything will change. 18 years of being lied to, gaslit, shamed, and disrespected no matter what I did, is not so easy to just unlearn, especially considering they wouldn't be doing this for themselves. I get so frustrated with the "gee, I didn't know...", playing dumb card, I think instead of trying to convince them and explain things, asking what they took from what I said will be a very powerful tool that will save me a lot of frustration. Dr k you're top tier!
I really want to see an interview with an entitled parent where some of these conversations happen. It seems so impossible to navigate for somebody who is young and dependent and at the hands of somebody who easily resorts to physical violence.
Yeah this video is definitely not for people who have physically abusive parents, or parents that are more hateful and manipulative than the ones discussed in the vid.
When I was 17ish my dad had been riding my last nerve that day, he was being particularly overbearing and needlessly controlling for no reason other than he could. I said, all the other siblings have moved out and are married with kids. I'M going to be the one taking care of you in old age. I promise you I'll treat you how you've treated me. He took a looooong pause. To be honest I think that was the first time he ever reflected on his behavior seriously. He replied, just put me in an old folks home and forget about me. With a smile I replied, Oh no no, I love you and I'll take GOOD care of you. As he walked away to avoid the conversation I pointed out that he'd rather be abandoned than be treated the way he does me. I'd hoped it would be food for thought, nothing more. But I think the realization of his behavior scared him for at least 30 seconds before dismissing it.
My god... I wish I had access to this video with Spanish subtitles. So many of my non-English-speakers friends need to watch this!!! Such a great video, it is actually surprising how you put into words such a complex aspect of life. Admirable!
This video perfectly summed up my relationship with my dad. I honestly am crying right now because this is the only time I've ever felt heard for my experiences.
This is EXACTLY what my therapist said! Try to question their thoughts or their way on thinking. If you just say a statement (even in calm respectful manner), one way or another it will lead to argue. They see as you're challenging them, my house my rule. My goal is to understanding, still being respectful to them while setting my boundaries as an adult (preparing independent from my parents, move out, etc.) Still not seeing changes in them, I doubt they will change. But, I feel that I got my power back and it felt good.
this is how i feel, i work and go to college but my parents never seem to appreciate what I do. I pay my own stuff, pay rent, pay my own phone. Yet the environment in this household is too much, I always feel anxious, worried, very unhappy and i cant do much about it.
This is hilarious. This is literally what I did to my mum without realizing what I was doing. I can't believe I got there. It was so hard and so painful for both of us and actually took YEARS. Maybe if I'd had Dr K guiding me, it would've taken less time and been a lot less awful.
What worked for me as a counter to "we know what's best for you" was not to argue that they don't, but to ask "okay, so, by what metric are you measuring 'best'?" i.e. - are their advice/decisions the 'best' because it will maximize my future income? my happiness? their happiness? their reputation? As soon as they have to think about *that*, you have a chance of getting somewhere, because that's the foundation of understanding that when you disagree with them you're not telling them they're *wrong* (except when you are, but one step at a time) but you just have different priorities. Or - ideally - maybe even realize that how they were coming to those decisions for you doesn't actually line up with their own values. Getting a parent to realize that you are a person separate from themself, with different needs and different preferences, can be hard, emotionally, and tricky, because you actually need to *not* convince them to agree with you on anything, but have them realize that you *can and will disagree* just like any other adult might disagree with them or have different preferences. "Just tell me what you want" is a trap, too. There's no point answering that question to someone too far in the habit of not listening to you. They gotta figure some of this stuff out on their own, that way they'll actually believe it.
If my parents where that controlling (The story Dr. K told) i'd cut contact with these people at the drop of a hat when i became an adult. This naive way of thinking that you can path-up a relationship with toxic parents that did so much harm during your childhood years is just low-key infuriating. Blood relations etc means absolutely nothing and people should view family members the same way they view friends and act accordingly.
I think it's up to people to choose how much or little of a relationship they want with their parents. Makes sense that it would be little or none with some of them. You can bend a relationship dynamic but you can't fix people who refuse to see the problems
Holy moly, Dr K hitting us with the legendary strats. It has been said already. But staying unemotional while having a tough discussion with parents, is final boss level calm. Maybe dr K could do it while living with them. But over 99% will not be able to withstand the pressure parents can put on you. I could never keep my cool whenever they threatened to kick me out. Honestly I wasnt even able to calm down after hours and hours. I did do this after living on my own which was tremendously healing.
I can assure you I would not be going to therapy if it weren't for my family. They have caused me so much stress and pressure that it puts me in a state of despair and suffocation. Dr. K always seems to be dealing with clients who are internally struggling, so I would never expect to see a video of him talking about outside forces like family. I'm so glad he is discussing this, especially when all the points made hit really close to home. It makes me feel heard for once. I'm so grateful for Dr. K, this channel, and the community! I hope we can finally influence a generation where mental health and mental struggles are being validated, even if they don't conform with societal standards.
I've been in these situations with my parents, and they did not change. I'm now in my 40s. It wasn't even that I made bad decisions, I just wanted to make my OWN decisions. I didn't have the vocabulary (or calmness) to have this kind of conversation with them, and exactly what Dr. K said, happened. There wasn't much left when I was out in the world making my own money. I did end up cutting them out of my life, without much conversation, because of their refusal to listen to me even as an adult. If you're a young adult in this boat, I wish you all the best. It's not an easy situation to be in.
My brother and i have a father who made it all about him. Yes, he was provider. Yes, he was in the home. However, there was no emotional ground for us to speak on. If the idea wasn't his exactly, you were getting shut down hard. Now that we're both out of the house, he started deconstructing his emotional walls through writing music. It's incredible. The strongest man i know is becoming a tempered warrior-poet, and im dumbfounded. It wasn't easy, but it was simple. Like pushing a giant boulder up a hill. We're all pushing together now, and I've never been happier in my family than today. Hes not special to me because he was a perfect father. He's special to me because he became the father he is without a father to take lead from. His was taken from him too early, and he STILL did it. And because of that, i get to blind him with the fire of my soul. Love you all. You can do it. Keep fighting toward the highest good and burn bright for all to see.
Once I started setting boundaries with my abusive father, I think it finally hit him that I didn't want him as a big part of my life. He never changed, but he finally understood that his actions had consequences.
what if they bring up stuff like, "you dont appreciate stuff we've done for you all these years" "the sacrifice we took to raise you, such and such" stuff like that.
my mom suffered something medical that could have killed her, and she spent my years 13 to 15 trying to call me and blame me for her medical issue because of the "amount of stress" I put her through. The reason she was calling me is she kicked me out of the house because she didn't like the friends I had (they were just poor and she was snobby) and I was forced to live with my dad who I'd never seen before a continent away. Yeah I wasn't buying it. I refused to talk on the phone with her and I just laughed. Wanna know what prevents empathy from forming in abusive households? Probably cases like these where people try to weaponize it. As an adult when anyone wants pity I simply don't deal with them now, and tbh it seems to me I'm better off for it anyway.
My mom acts this exact way whenever we get in the slightest of arguments. Really wears you down and just makes you want to give up on trying to save your relationship with them.
If you are an independent adult you don't owe your parents anything anymore-you are free to make your own choices. If they try to guilt you into doing something point it out as unacceptable behavior and a part of the problem-ie, weaponized guilt is part of why I need to set up these boundaries.
You don’t owe them anything. Having you was THEIR choice. The second you were born you were their responsibility as a parent, by law, and as a human with morals to take care of you. Guilt tripping you for their decision and moral right as a decent human is shameful and wrong. If they try to say that they could’ve raised you worse, then it’s probably best you don’t continue that conversation. Even _daring_ to suggest that they could’ve been bad/abusive parents (or that you had it “good” out of the goodness of their hearts) and using that against you is downright awful, insensitive, and manipulative. If they feel that treating you like their child, someone they should care about with their lives, with kindness was a GIFT given to you then shame on them. If they can’t see that then like I said, better to walk away.
You could try telling them that yes, they did the bare minimum to keep you alive. The bare minimum is REQUIRED, not necessarily something you need to thank them for. Also, being alive is great and all, but if their crap made you miserable, then you can't even enjoy the things in life, so their bare minimum didn't even matter. Idk, maybe that's a mean thing to say to them? But I have zero patience for parents like this (I had a mother like this). I'd rather be a "bad person" than tolerate their crap.
I moved out as soon as I got my first job after college, which was more than 5 years ago. My parents now use a 'How much you owe me' card to manipulate me. They spent so much money and time to raise me, so they still feel entitled. The hardest part for me is letting it go. I could just say no and they can be 'disappointed' all they want, but I guess I still seek for their approval and love. They even want me to move back now. They must've had so much fun going through my room and my phone, reading my texts and diary when I was living with them🤷♀️
Next time you can say: „did I ask you to be born? I’d say: we’re even! Now I’ve to look how to make the best of my life and if you want to support me in that, I’d be happy. If not, please leave me at least alone.“
"Well what can I do to fix this?" you didn't listen for 20+ years, why should I expect you to start listening now? Sounds like you care more about your relationship with my kids more than yours.
Thank you for the video. I also have parents who are controlling. My dad controlled me as a mean to cope with his somewhat unsuccessful career (not that bad objectively but far behind my mom); and my mom bury herself in work to escape from an unhappy marriage and her grumpy teenager kid. My dad wouldn't allow me to show any negative emotion while my mom just pretended she didn't hear me when i was trying to get understanding and support (stared at the TV and ignored me even though i sat right next to her). I started to watched Dr. K's videos and started to realized how those past experience shaped me to be who i am today. And hopefully with the awareness it'll be easier for me to heal and change. Still I DISAPPROVE THE TECHIES PICK.
As an autistic 17 year old girl where my mum has been telling me to move out since I was 15 because my panic attacks cause her so much stress and her pushing me down the stairs during my panic attacks and still not being able to escape and having no real way to communicate because of my autism I feel trapped but listening to this is comforting
You will get through this. You can become the person you want to be, and you can be a better person than she ever was to you. Do whatever you have to, to start gaining independence bit by bit. That means making money however you can, knowing who in your life you can trust, like friends who might let you stay with them, adults who you know you can reach out to. I used to be in a situation very much like yours. I have adhd and I was shamed for making mistakes, and scapegoated by my parents and brother because I could never just put on a mask and pretend to be happy. I thought about running away, I thought about wanting to die. I felt so worthless and stupid and angry. I just wanted my parents to love me but they didn't know how to do that. I felt betrayed knowing all the ways they failed me. But I was able to get out. It hurts so much, I still cry about it sometimes years after cutting them out. But I had to accept that my relationship with them was over, and stop expecting them to care about my feelings or my pain. Once I completely gave up on them, it became a little easier to deal with reality, and figure out what I needed to do to become independent. People who treat you like that are not worth your time. Idk.. i hope this helps. I hope it helps you get through another day, and hold onto your future. It gets better, it will get better. You just have to keep going.
Oh lord... I.. you talking about setting those hard boundaries and like hanging up.. that raised my blood pressure. I am so scared of the backlash I'll receive for setting a boundary like that. I am financially dependant and pointing out the unhealthy relationship has gotten me the question "should we be spending thousands of dollars to house you if you don't want to be around us." I did not know how to counter that and i froze. I wish i could have asked "if you want me to like being around you, how is asking that question going to make me want that?" That of course will also probably draw a negative reaction but there's hope she might stop and think about her actions and how they affect me instead of playing the victim everytime i try to argue and explain how her actions affect me
The problem with the "I have more exp in life" argument is that it isn't wrong, they do have more exp, and usually (or at least for me) 10 years later I realized they were indeed right about a lot of the things I thought were bs. It's just that if that argument is used too much by parents it undermines the autonomy of the child to learn those things by itself.
Also, a lot of the time it just isnt true. Being alive doesnt just give you more experience for free. Theres 17 year olds out there with more "life experience" than most 80 year olds. Also, sometimes having experience makes you less trustworthy to give advice. Since experience really just means "I have a personal story which went a certain way." typical example of this is the parent who gives the advice not to follow your dreams cause they did and it turned to shit. So they give this really half assed life advice based on a very narrow experience they personally had without every taking any nuance or broader view beyond their own experiences into account
@@samuelmorkbednarzkepler I was going to say it rn, I read somewhere that due to internet the mental age is not the same as the age of the body. It's the same like comparing a medieval scholar in his 30s to the oldest person from a small village. Even though their age differs, both sides have their strong sides and ignoring one just because of age is just bs.
@@samuelmorkbednarzkepler There are always exceptions but just because 1% of 17 year olds has a lot of experience that doesn't say anything against my argument. Also giving advice is usually way more nuanced than "I have a personal story that went a certain way". Also I didn't say the advice is always right, and even when it is it might still be better for the kid to expierence it themself.
This is what i go thru on the daily but not on an extreme level. I know they're right. I understand why they're trying to teach me and get me to learn and understand things before i actually do them. But this way i never get to learn stuff on my own. And the problem gets doubled for the fact that i only learn when i fail on doing certain things. They don't understand the fact that no matter how much they teach mex i will only learn when i experience these things first hand and fail at them.
29:36 😂 This needs to be a warning said from the jump... Because in my head, I was imagining how easily this could escalate the problem and destroy relationships with certain parents who'd definitely take it as threats
I accidentally did this with my mom. She always powerplayed, "once you have studies, once you're over 18, as long as you are in my house" and when I grew tired of it I asked what her expectations were and in a discussion I said I would turn out like my uncle (her brother) who didn't talk to grandpa for years after he cut the dependency from my grandparents and their powerplay ended. At the time she raged hard but later on I feel like she got much different.
Your content makes my brain so happy. It helps me learn, heal and help others heal. It gives me hope for the world knowing so many gamers can channel themselves into building healthier relationships. ☺️
40 years of trying to be good enough for dad and I finally learned that hes just not good enough for me. It took him threatening to hurt my toddler son once. That very second, I lost alll fear of this man. Children are hard but, holy cow, their unconditional love is so healing.
the more i listen to all the life stories of Dr. K's clients, the more i feel lucky that I have a pair of excellent parent and have a lot of mentors guided me through life.
My experience is similar and different in a lot of ways. My mom began developing an alcohol addiction while she was in college about 10 years ago, and as of this month she's about 6 months sober. My dad, in December 2020 (my mom was still an alcoholic at that time) - this was literally a week after I moved back in with them - got completely inebriated one night and the two of them were arguing about whether he could post a sort of "f*** work" thing on Facebook where his boss could see it. The two of them argued, getting louder and louder until eventually, he grabbed a chair and threw it into the wall and began punching holes in walls over and over and over again. So he started saying things like "If any of you f***kers call the police, I'm killing you" and obviously my younger brother Kaelan, and myself, called the police at two different times during this incident. And since then, he's been in jail, gotten a no-contact order with us, violated that 2 times and went to jail 2 times for it, and he was told that the third would mean life in prison. By the third time, I had already moved out because I'm trying to stay away from all of that toxicity but for some reason or another, he managed to convince me to let him stay at my place. He stayed 2 months rent free and was drinking the entire time. When my roommates got uncomfortable and told me I had to kick him out, he started going around saying that I was a dirt bag and wouldn't take care of my own pops and all that stuff. So can you guess the first place he went after leaving my place? My mom's. Violating the order. They didn't call the cops. I found out the next morning when I called her and she was acting terrified over the phone and I asked, "dad's there, isn't he?" and she said "yes, your grandma's awake" and after that conversation was over, I immediately called the cops. So third violation, he should be in prison for life. But the prosecutors kept sending his file between two districts and lost the paperwork, and let him free. I don't know why they're not rectifying it. He's still calling my mom constantly and playing victim, saying she did this to him and that she was too drunk to know what happened that night, blah blah blah. He's constantly still harassing her and the cops refuse to get involved. But where I'm talking about entitled parents is my mom consistently trying to gaslight me into believing that I was only paying $600 a month instead of $800 and refusing to look at the Zelle transactions. I had a ledger of every rent payment of the previous several months and she refused to see it. Albeit she was drunk, it was still enough for me to find a new home. And my roommates right now are more like family to me than my family ever has been, so I think I'm in a better place mentally too because of that.
This actually gives some insight about why certain minorities are under represented in some fields like sports. It could be from their culture discouraging them from pursuing this type of life.
I don't have parents like that so I'm not sure how much I don't know here, but looking at the experiences from the people in the comments, parents often shut them down by just bursting out into an outrage or tears, I think what he says here, is that you have to direct the conversation in a way that prevents them from getting emotional, which... Sounds like hell amd is probably super hard to actually pull off, but I do think there is a way to do it correctly... To sum up the tips that he gave for those situations in my understanding: you don't wanna start raising your voice or get angry, just be genuinely curious of their replies to your questions and when they start getting emotional you have to calm them down and only after they've calmed down, continue the conversation, if they say things like "you don't love me" just say "I never said that" you could add a "but" here, but I'm not sure how much this would help calming them down amd when they start spouting stuff about how they're the parent and you have to listen to them, repeat that yes they're right you have to listen to them *for now* ... Honestly it's easy for me to write all this, but mad respect to anyone who actually has the balls to go through with it, you are a mad lad
might have to go through it myself, me and my big brother (23) are tired of it, it's that or we're moving out together asap, first glimpse of financial independence (or who knows, actually sueing her for psychological damage and forcing emancipation) we're out
My mom wasn't super problematic, but there was a fair amount of entitlement. So, when I was 18 I made it a point to be financially independent as soon as possible. Can't take my phone/computer/car etc if they're in my name... eventually moved out and haven't looked back. If you're not fortunate enough to be in my situation, I wish you luck, it'll work out eventually 💛
This conversation truly hit a note with me. My parents were not prime example of "entitled" but they definitely showed tendencies into that direction. Most of the things I wanted or criticism I might have had, ideas how to improve things etc. were always met with "We just want you to listen, not to question". To this day I really feel that sits kinda badly with me and this conversation gave me some good tips on how to maybe deal with that situation. Thanks!!
Keep in mind that the advice in this video was based the assumption that the parents are trying to what they think is best for their children, and that their entitlement comes from the decision to use this parenting style as a means to that end. A lot of people in the chat were saying stuff like "This is terrible advice, I'd be dead if I said that." If that's the kind of power dynamic that's going on, then I don't think that the advice from this video applies. And he's not saying to literally ask the parents those questions, he's saying that the person needs to figure out a way to gain some level of understanding of where there parent is coming from, and then also find some way to get their parents to think. This is really hard because the situation is unique for everyone, so he can't really know what exactly you should say to your parents. If the parents are narcissistic or physically/verbally abusive then I think this is a different problem and perhaps requires a different approach. I'm not a psychologist, these are just some of my thoughts about this topic.
Thank you. Been going through a lot with my mom these past few days and having issues like this so it’s really great to have this type of thing as a resource and I really appreciate the work that you do.
Man, this video really came at the perfect time for me. Hopefully everything will go well, ever since i was a kid i'd avoid absolutely everything so i didn't get undermined or yelled at. It's only recently i've been trying things since things have gotten so extremely bad
You're so right about power dynamics and how they affect the core of a relationship. My dad and I always butted heads because he had specific things he wanted from me and we fought all the time but once I moved out into my own place and he couldn't tell me what to do anymore, I was able to more effectively stick up for myself. He didn't have any power over me and that really equalized our relationship.
I wish this existed in 2010 when I had to choose my career path. It would've saved me 5 years of my life that I spent getting a degree I wont ever use because after I did what they wanted me to do I felt liberated and chose my own career path lol
7:40-7:50 this was exactly my thoughts quite literally 24 hours ago, after I had a discussion with my dad and he got upset and raised his voice and I remained calm and tried to dissect what was happening. My dad grew up in Japan and he had a rough childhood (no mom, dad was always out of the house so house was empty majority of the time and my dad had to learn to be independent at 10 years old) and i literally thought to myself that many East-asian (and likely other cultural groups too) parents teach their kids to be robots instead of human beings. Thanks for validating and affirming my thoughts. It's a big work in progress but I do want my parents to have better relationships with my siblings and I. Thank you Dr. K, I have learned so much from you in the past few months.
As the child of two foreign parents from the same country, I remember how strict the rules that were enforced in regards to my freedom were. When I graduated high school and went to college, I too had struggled with my new-found freedom. Suddenly I became the sole supervisor for my own actions, having had no practice in my previous 17 years of life to have success with such responsibility. I don't think these things have much to do with a person's intelligence, as I consider myself to be an intelligent person and have been affirmed by a good few, so it must have some truth to it; instead my problem was that I didn't know how to take care of myself, how to prioritize things, how to study (high school was a breeze, which didn't help at all because when college came around, I had no studying skills), and how to socialize with new peers. I consider this a direct failure on my parent's part, and I remember my parents were always looking at shows that discussed how to be "more involved" in the lives of their kids (either on the news, or shows like Dr. Phil, etc etc.). However parents who viewed such content were not perceiving these learned skills to be harmful to the success of their children, as they were under the guise that they would be preventing the possibility of their child being put in a harmful situation. They put time-restraints on my game-time, they sometimes stalked me when I was with my friends using a locator device, and they were always telling me what I NEEDED to do, and HOW to do it. Never once in my childhood had I made a choice, a real choice, for myself. Not once in my adolescence did I get a taste of the thing people call "autonomy." Instead I was babied, treated as immature, and berated when I did not accomplish the goals set out by my parents. I'm 26 now, still trying to learn how to function properly as an adult, and I have to say it is quite embarrassing to see your old classmates, even people who were younger than you, turn out to be more educated, more responsible, more polished than I am. Kids, if you have parents who are pissing you off, they are most likely just doing it because they are your parents. Much of the stuff they do has a lot of good intention behind it, and it's easy to overlook that when their approach is totally invasive and disrespectful towards you. HOWEVER: we live in a time where great people like Dr. K can show us exactly the pieces we need to connect the dots and apply them to our own situation. Remember, adolescence is a weird time, and having stressful parents can really make or break your ability to succeed. The family of origin gives us a lot of "baggage" but it's your DUTY to iron-out the kinks and to be the best you that you can be if you have the ability to actually understand the dynamics of interpersonal relationships, especially that amongst your immediate family. Please remember, no one is perfect, that most of the time being non-judgmental is the best way to meet new people, and that the only person you have control of is YOU. Now take control, and find a healthy and respectable way to approach each situation that arises, and one day you will realize in the moment that the preparation you have undergone in the past is finally showing fruit. Things become palpable, and life becomes wonderful if you learn how to navigate. I wish you all good luck, and I appreciate you guys for clicking on this video because that already shows that you're (at the very least) trying to understand the world around you, and yourself. Much love.
What do you guys think about Dr. K's stories from his experience as a therapist and psychiatrist? Let me know what you think!
Maybe an idea to also link the redditpost that was talked about in the video?
Other then that, great content.
Gud
You kind of went into narcissistic parents, but I would appreciate a similar episode where you go into how to deal with narcissistic parent - kid relation.
I wonder about the odds of accidentally bringing up a story from a former stream, but the stories do make it more relatable for me
Anecdotes are a great way to add texture to his talks
My parents will hit me with "You will thank me later once you are grown up." They cannot see a future where I am unhappy with the decision that they made for me.
probably they try to make up for their mistakes on your life instead reconciling with theirs, thats a valid way if they explained their reasons, but currently they just cause you pain
I mean, they'll see it when you come to fruition. We can't all speedrun mutual respect.
You just explained the answer. If you don't risk doing what you want, despite the risk, you may grow resentful towards them, which imo is worse.
I'll be honest with you homie, I find new shit to thank my parents for every day I get older now that I'm an adult.
They probably right lmao
They will surely enjoy dying alone in an old peoples home.
“Don’t argue with someone committed to misunderstanding you”
Taiwan is a country 🇹🇼
Don’t allow yourself to be “trapped in a definition.”
never thought of that, but it seems like a reasonable statement now
I tried to walk away from a conversation and she followed me until I 100% agreed with what she was telling me, otherwise, I was stupid.
@@Polyglot_English but Australia isn't
Bad parenting is by far one of the most underrated problems in our society.
@Jennifer Wang no such thing
@Jennifer Wang children are entitled by default. It's up to the parents to able to get tru to the child and teach them the ways of the world tru empathy. Which is hard and most parents can't do it.
@Jennifer Wang Its all the parents, boomers made shitty millenials and now gen z raises themselves
@Jennifer Wang This, but ironically 😏
“Bad childrening” lol… try filial impiety
My parents always told me "as long as you sleep under this roof you'll live under my rules."
So instead I slept on the roof. Problem solved.
*sleeps on neighbors roof just to be safe*
Pro gamer move
Yeah
😂😂😂
I think this is how a missing boy ended being on his roof the whole time.
I once said to my Dad: "Can't we have a reasonable discussion like two adults who see eye to eye? We both have the same rights, we are both equal human beings." He replied: "No, you don't have human rights, you only have daughter rights." I am a western woman in my 30's.
wow that's disturbing! Even if you were a child you'd have equal human rights
@@red_velvetcake1759 No. Not equal. Minors are second class citizens with special protections.
Omg
My father will say that I'm the child and copy mom when she says "we are on different levels" as if parents can do whatever they want and can abuse their children. Then he wil say "you're not a child anymore, you're an adult."
So start treating me lik ea fucking adult.
Patriarchy be wild.
The other people in the comment section: "just wait it out till you're 18" meanwhile I'm sitting in a room I'm renting out off of welfare, at 16, because my family was abusive and the children's aid society determined that I was better off out of there by myself. I agree with them.
❤️
*hug* you are such a strong person
You got this
Keep fighting, you're doing great
You will be successful with this attitude
"They wanted a robot for a son". This feels too much like the real thing
A broken hearted machine
And think their commands for the robots are what is best. If the robot underperforms with the perfect program, they must have a faulty robot.
I often say my father wanted a trophy instead of a child
My mother called me a robot once when i was trying to speak calmly and reasonably to her (we were in a fight) . I was 15.
A lot of people really need to understand that to have interactions like this, you need to be mostly independent
Yea unless they are naturally empathetic and willing to negotiate its impossible.
@@comend1910 sounds like you’re working for it, keep it up and you’ll get there. You can do it.
Use strawman fallacy as your weapon!
Strawman the shit out of their arguments
@@comend1910 I remember feeling that way. After I turned 18 and went on my own it was liberating. Just hang in there and don't let drama get too out of control. Start pre-meditating how you are going to become independent, what you will do to make it work.
@@jesseperez4185 If they were naturally empathetic and willing to negotiate, you probably wouldn't even need to have that conversation in the first place.
dr k's lush beatiful hair blowin in the wind is all the therapy i need
Simp... nah jk
The internet needs a glamour shoot from Dr. K. The therapeutic value of it could not be overstated.
We need that asmr
his lush beautiful hair is always distracting me from the video xD
man i was thinking the exact same thing during this whole video, his hair is majestic
"You being upset by the injustice, doesn't actually, by itself, change the injustice. [...] This is something I know is confusing to the internet."
By far my favorite moment of the video.
This should be told to like half of twitter lol
@Kyoutube Bhogle I don't think that's the point. I (Asian) was psychologically abused by my parents, and other people around me reinforced that abuse by validating them and invalidating me. Am I upset this happened? Of course! However, I don't plan to "fix the injustices" of the society I am in. I control myself first (e.g. working on anger management), then what's around me (e.g. get associated with the right people). At this point, I am happy and so are the people around me that I decided to be with. What more do you ask for? I couldn't care less about whatever the fuck that happens in the society because I can't do shit about it. The fact that one could get caught up about trying to fix an entire society is a proof that one is being caught up about something they have no control over of (meaning they aren't healed), instead of things they actually do have control over of.
The current political climate, both the right (e.g. white nationalists) and the left (e.g. modern feminism), basically do the exact opposite of what people should be doing (if they want to be happier): they blame the society or certain part of the society. The individuals in such movement tend to have troubled past of their own that is being projected onto the society. You would know this if you watch this channel. And I know this personally too because I was part of it (and on both spectrum). So it's a microscopic problem that is being expanded into a macroscopic problem. But let's face it. Global Emotions Report (which surveys individual subjective happiness and life satisfaction) shows that top 10 countries with the happiest people includes virtually zero developed nations. How has any of the political movement made anyone happier than when they didn't exist? Why do the most progressive societies never make it to top 10 of the Global Emotions Report for the past decades?
@@ifluxion 100%
If an individual is dissatisfied with some aspect of the culture in which they live, they have essentially 3 choices:
1. Shrug and accept it (this is what the vast majority of people do).
2. Try to change it (very hard).
3. Recognize that as individuals, we all have the power to simply not follow a particular cultural practice or accept a widely-held idea. "Be the change you want to see in the world." This can also be hard, because it may profoundly affect our existing social connections. Sometimes, the fiercest pushback comes from envious conformists who wish they had the courage to do the same. It is up to each of us to find acceptance of that and/or find people to surround ourselves with who agree with or at least accept our choices.
Genuinely incorrect and a frankly stupid statement to make, with all due respect. That's just Dr. K's centrist radlib showing through. He's as much a protector of capital interests as any other capitalist owner with employees will be driven to be, especially when your entire industry is predicated on a clientele who are capable of accessing services that cost in excess of $100/hr, whether privately or subsidized by virtue of some privilege. He, like most such centrist therapists/counsellors/etc, also feels ethically compelled to justify and excuse an otherwise unjustifiable system of socioeconomic-ethnic violence and hierarchy, that exists for no other reason than perpetuating it's own classism for the benefit of capital owners in perpetuity, because "too big, can't change, hurrrh" instead of just *accepting socialism like jfc bruh*
@@LiveFreeOrDieDH Ah, yes, the fallacy of composition. See that one all the time in neoliberal thought.
im 33 years old and im convinced the 2 generations above me were raised horribly, and are a big part of most issues in the world, especially actual baby boomers
You are not wrong. They were raised with a lot of toxic shit.
2 generations? Those are rookie numbers.
@@WanderTheNomad i meant that are still living today, obviously the generations that are no longer with us were completely fucked
Oh I'm pretty sure this is an issue as old as time. Imagine, with all the teenage parents there used to be before contraception was a thing, all of the immature people who were parents for thousands of years. It's easy to pinpoint reasons for the past few generations because we know them well and have a lot of info on them. But there's no particular reason to think those before were any better, imo
We all have a generational PTSD, the question is how long ago your line started to reform the brain/DNA (e.g. a privilege would be one of the things)
I really don't understand parents sometimes. It's like making your way through a maze avoiding mines and if you step on a mine your parents get mad at you.
look into narcissistic parents, this is how it felt growing up with one, and thats just 1 sign
making a mistake, and parents mad, doubly punished
Think about them as humans first, parents second. Way more understandable.
@@mrknarf4438 think of them as animals first, parents second. Then it makes sense
Walking on eggshells is a defining feature when dealing with toxic people. That's most likely Narcissistic parents, possibly to the degree here they can be diagnosed with a personality disorder. There is no reasoning with them or trying to understand them at that point and their aim is to make them feel better about themselves since they are constantly filled with self hatred and inner turmoil or are even in competition with their children.
It's sad and disorienting at the same time trying to deal with them.
Parenting ain’t build-a-bear, you don’t get to design your kid and beat/abuse/blame them for not being whatever your ego needs them to be.
So many parents should've just gone to Build-a-Bear, frankly, or should've just gotten a fish or a hamster at most.
@@dinosaysrawr Maybe a synthetic plant.
Fr. I never asked to be here, you wanted this. You chose this. At the very least, treat me well.
Had a conversation like this with my parents and they called me mentally ill and a sociopath… I eventually cut them off
Good on you. Don’t let them try to control you with their expectations!
Yup. They will just brand you as mentally ill... better avoid any interaction if you can and take legal action if they try to be physical.
If they call you mentally ill in response to criticism then that's *gaslighting*, friend. You did the right thing cutting them off.
I wish I could just do that but I'll wait until I'm old enough
I don’t think your parents fucking know what sociopath means 😶
Seriously dude, good for you. I know that cutting your parents off is not always an option, but I’m glad you managed. A lot of people are better off without their parents, but I feel so so horrible for knowing that so many people don’t have anyone to run back to.
So basically... you need to be the parent of your parents, by guiding them slowly as if they're some teenagers in rebellious phase...
LMAO, thats funny and sad at the same time
These kinds of parents shouldnt be parents. Unfortunately Accidents happen
It sucks, some parents aren’t ready to be parents.
they’re emotionally idiotic, of course they’re going to be stuck as a rebellious teenager well into their adulthood. they can’t physically fathom that other people, especially their own children, have emotions or opinions that they don’t like. they basically see their kids as their property, and if they don’t act “right” then they’re broken.
@@zimbim7562 damn, you nailed it. Plus expecting them to act like robots as in "If you don't do everything I tell you and don't follow my every word and opinion, you will be punished. No opinions, no emotions, no freedom to do whatever without harsh judgement."
@@yudoball like I kind of agree but also most parents only go through it once most parents have to first time it so they just go with what they learned from their parents but yeah idk
I had an Indian friend in college who's parents were very controlling. They forced her into computer engineering bc that's what her dad did, and they refused to let her date bc they wanted to arrange her marriage as theirs was arranged. She suffered with severe anxiety and depression and had really stunted social skills and I have no doubt that her parents have almost everything to do with that. It's a very sad situation.
Given the decline of good western relationships, arranged marriage may be a good thing. I'm sure she was mad she couldn't participate in college hookup culture
@@John-du2mqThe marriage being arranged isn't the problem, the problem is not having the choice to let their parents arrange the marriage.
@@John-du2mq if you want to be in an arranged marriage go for it but don’t say stupid shit like declining quality of relationships as if you went out and did a study on it, how many Indian women or southeast Asian women you spoke to who were put in an arranged marriage you know John? Are they happy John ? Do you know?
@@daasocialninja4804 dw about him he's just parroting reactionary talking points about progress and the scapegoat enemy allegedly causing society to fall apart as opposed to the myriad of more complex issues embedded in the society that require more thought and analytical understanding to comprehend
@@Envy_May he prob also thinks you should move to russia
i liked the bit about "how they treated you is sowing the karmic seeds for how you treat them" my parents seem to have completely forgotten about the seeds they planted in the terrible way they interacted with me in middle / high school, and keep wondering why i don't want to be around them as a college student.
Their friggin loss... Hope you’re doing all right!
Same here bro, they were awesome when I was younger (till like 10 y/o) when i didnt have an opinion but since then they couldnt give less of a fuck of what I think/want
Sorry if I offended you, but karmic seeds is a really cool name for game items.
my only remaining parent decides to still regurgitate the line about "you never made me worry when you were 5 years old, you were better at 5 years old than you are now" and HOW IN THE EVERLOVING FUCK IS SAYING THAT HELPFUL IN ANY SHAPE OR FORM
My mom once said something similar, that she missed the time when me and my sister were like 10 y/old, because back then we were obedient and did not argue when she said something. Parents just want compliance, they don't want a thinking person let alone an adult with them.
And then they go like "but why my sons don't talk to me"
This sounds like a genuinely good advice in most cases. When you're dealing with an extremely fragile ego even the most calm, collected and thoughtful question like that might cause an absolute meltdown.
Keep going meta and stay calm even if they are screaming. The moment they get to make you upset it's over. Good luck stranger.
Can confirm it does lol
Try the "Grey Rock" technique. Remain calm and being as unemotional as possible as they have their meltdown. think of them like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum (on some level that is actually hat is going on inside their brain). Don't react emotionally, just respond calmly.
Dr. Ramani is a good resource for going grey rock and dealing with toxic types btw
@@hansonel Theramin Trees is also really good for stuff like this relating to toxic relationships and guilt tripping (amongst some other really interesting things)
My dad does this. He can be very fragile to things and can freak out over very little. I remember one time, he asked me to bring some trash outside. I said ok, but for some reason couldn’t tie the top together. He tried to do it, saying that “I should know how to do it” but he couldn’t either. This prompted me to quietly chuckle (involuntarily) and I immediately tried to cover it up. But he BLEW UP. Screaming in my face, and grabbing my arm. He was so close some spit flew on my face.
Unfortunately a lot of these situations require a decent amount of financial independence which in todays world in a lot of places is very hard to achieve at the age where these issues really start to affect most people, but other than that this is amazing
This. I can't like this comment enough
Exactly!
Yup I’m 27 had to move back in with my parents. It’s causing anxiety, depression, and other things.
It’s pretty much objectively impossible to have financial independence until the age of, like, 25 or something.
But after it, it’s probably fine.
CHAT ARE WE COOKED TILL 30!!??
@20:04 this really does work. I have a very controlling mom & when I moved out I realized that when she started making me uncomfortable I could just leave. So I did. Every time I would visit, if she made me uncomfortable (usually it was her screaming about various things), I would tell her that I didn't want to be there any more and I would go home. It took a few times, but eventually she got the picture and it stopped
It was really hard at first because I have younger siblings that still lived with her at the time and I didn't want to make things worse for them, but once I started setting boundaries for myself it actually made it easier for them to do the same
Well done! Modeling good boundaries for your siblings is wonderful. :) Good for you!
That indian kid in the beginning handled it very professionally. If it was someone else, he would have absolutely raged when his mom unplugged the PC. Respect +
i know if it were me, i'd be raging at the top of my lungs
Ikr i thought he probably shouted at his mom but that was a power move
Because he wasn’t a kid, he’s a financially independent adult.
He acted like a little kid.
@@fangornthewise A little kid would have moved out?
I accepted how my parents are, found a job and moving out in the next month after my 1st month pay.
Good for you, man!
im glad for you. I can tell you it gets easier with time once you're independent
congrats !!!
Sorry, can I have some advice? My mom is older and also is dealing with grief right now. I am planning on moving out too, but occasionally, I get sad thinking that I'll be leaving my mom alone like this. But I do think it's for the best.
@@redacted4176 i dont think we should be the one to give you that advice as there is a lot of context missing. Everyone's parents and lives are unique and have different challenges so go find a professional help about it.
Take this with a grain of salt but imo, what do you think if you are grieving and someone close to you leaves you and you are all alone? What would you feel?
Dr.k "Make them think, and do not threaten them"
Dr.k explaining example "If you continue to be like this... *Clocking the Glock* I'm not so sure that I want you to be in my life"
I think he meant not to have a threatening tone because that'll just escalate the situation to a personal screaming match
Imagine someone punching a human sized boulder. How fruitless and futile it would be to try to move a boulder that way, and that person giving up and just conceding they don't have that power. Then BECOME that boulder, not threatening not angry just...a thing that they have no power over anymore. That's Dr. K's genius I'd argue. Changing minds not through force but calm resolve and empathetic reasoning.
try to seem as least threatening as possible*
I'm a social butterfly of sorts and throughout my life I've encountered entitled people. The best way I've found to deal with them, is if you mention your grievances and they ignore you, that's it. After that, don't even tell them. Just move on. This results in people learning their mistakes at a higher percentage and humanity being overall better, in my opinion, even if I may have not gotten the "result I want". That has to count for something in the grander view of things. I'll suffer so others don't have to.
and IMO the "shock" of the thing coming out of nowhere creates a VASTLY more memorable and nearly impossible to avoid lesson for that party. 10/10 recommend. If they do contact you and ask, feel free to be honest (after a decent period of time and you're sure they've introspected to heck by then; a week is too short for example)
bruh with parents like this you have to weigh every word, and sometimes all words are too heavy
It's not a threat as much as a matter of fact if/then statement is supposed to be the point.
All I heard when my mom said that she pays the bills so she gets control was that I needed to pay bills asap so she could no longer have a say...which is exactly what happened. The literal second I was paying for all my own things...she had nothing and just got laughed at when trying to control me at 17. I had become a manager at a pizza place, owned my car, owned my phone, everything. She told me I couldn't just be out until 2am (I was at waffle house, it wasn't like I was doing drugs or anything) and I just laughed at her and asked if she was going to ground me and how she was going to do that when I own all my stuff.
Don't make rules you don't want used against you
I once did not call my parents on a regular basis in college (I was paying half my tuition but my parents paid for my car and the other half of tuition). I didn’t call them for 2 weeks and they never contacted me. They didn’t visit me at college even once. They find out I’m visiting a friend 1 hour away for the weekend to work on a project. They call me, tell me they’ve never been so disappointed in their lives, threaten to take away the car if i don’t call them more often. I cried my eyes out in my friend’s basement that day. How would I feel loved at all? They never contacted me and wanted me to read their minds. Next thing you know they call me and say they will no longer be helping with my tuition. I say okay, I’ll take out a loan. They were shocked I was okay with that. They used everything they could to control me. Why on earth would I call them after that or want any relationship with them? I had to become financially independent before we could have a relationship. Otherwise I could barely live.
I'm sorry you went through that ☹️
“Inviting them to think” is unfortunately interpreted as threat. How dare I invite them to think?😀 My mum quickly spirals into blame, making me feel quilty, grandiose self-pity and practical punishments - cutting my support etc. There is always that one person that is better than me she can point to in a given narrow area and make me feel ashamed. This person studies better. That one already has kids (and dropped out). This other person works part time to earn money while studying. (and studies easy school and parents gave him own flat at 18yo).
Seems that as long as I’m powerless, it’s better to play along. Unfortunately the meddling and not respecting boundaries gets worse and it cripples my ability to finish med school, which requires long stretches of focus and strict daily planning of my own, which inevitably gets heavily, heavily interrupted by unimportant BS. This in turn makes me bitter, hopeless, anxious, ashamed and even more controlable. Because their “objective” arguments about me being piece of shit are kinda true, right? They are the biggest supporters of the “you are falling behind” theory I should work so hard to get rid of, lol. It’s almost as if they think me feeling really ashamed is what will cause me to finally “man up” and “be motivated”. They started the “you haven’t given us grandchildren yet, wtf” debate on their own. It’s a bit unfortunate power struggle to say the least.
True, situations like these are easier once you are an adult with a stable job and finances where you can actually be independent and live your life alone or with someone else. Though arguments where you are "compared" to others does not mean you should be just like them right? Life is not a race. The bright side of finishing your education is your first step to freedom really. This is where Dr. K's strategy comes in, our parents will eventually grow old and need someone to care for them, you can provide for them but you don't have to be with them. That also doesnt mean you dont love them, you have your own life to take care of as well once an adult.
@@arnelj360 true
I can relate
My mother is the same. Eventually I could move out and my mental health improved drastically although I still have trouble putting boundaries and sticking to them and I'm 28... I'm progressing very slowly 😫
@@sivula17sadly progress is slow and nonlinear, remind yourself how far you have come.
Before I was 18 it was "until you are 18..." then it was "you live in my house" - since I moved out things have gotten much better. Great video.
YEA
All this advice assumes that parents are willing to listen to their child. What about parents that do not pay attention to the child's questions, or outright dismiss them, because they "know better"? As useful as this advice was, and as interesting as the stories were, they do not portray the majority of the problems. Most people I know whose parents are extremely controlling / narcissistic are people with parents that never listen to them / never pay attention to them, so said people never do anything cause they deem it a waste of time (and rightfully so) . Any advice for such occasions? I hate seeing people whose potential for growth is squandered because of their parents.
oh man the whole "know better" thing hits close to home, I still live with my narc. parents and no matter what I say to explain myself or give my reasons on a certain situation, they think I am trying to instigate a fight.
They dont know better. Once you become independent you realize they know little more than you do, and they've just been regurgitating the same crap their parents told them without doing a shred of research or forethought as to the consequences.
My advice is always to become financially independent and tell those fuckers to peace out. (You move out and do what you want.) That's what all my siblings did and it's the best thing that's ever happened to us.
The reason it is important to put your foot down is not to convince your parents that you are right, rather it is to show them that what they think is best for you does not align with what you want for yourself. If they can’t accept that, then that is their problem not yours.
@@Digitalman271 "Become financially independent" While this advice is good, do not forget that being financially independent differs from country to country, and a lot of people don't have the patience or mental fortitude to work AND have those parents control them at the same time. While financial independence is great, and getting the fuck out of your parents' reach is a great first step, it requires a ton of variables that are out of your control. The point is to get heard now, not after like 8 years, and after having moved out. The point is to take steps to better your current condition, not change it after a long time.
Not my responsibility to try and gain a relationship with someone who didn't respect or listen to my own thoughts and reasoning.
I have very entitled and narcissistic parents. I very rarely talk to them. And when I do, it's in my own terms. They seem to show little signs of respect here and there, but have established a way of treating me that can't be solved in just 1 conversation.
Good luck everyone, and thank you Dr. K
My grandmother has been the entitled parent to my mother. I can tell you that the whole thing where the entitled parent finally says "What can I do to respect your boundaries?" has never happened. Whenever she was backed into a corner she just burst into tears.
exactly, just cry and make the other person feel bad
if they are capable of empathy. my mother just smiled or laughed when i cried. So I developed the habit of hiding my emotions.
It's as if for them, it's violating their boundaries to not be allowed to violate yours
Eh, your grandmother might find herself dead because of the "crying wolf" bursting into tears shtick. My own grandmother did the victorian lady "and I will swoon and cry about how horrible I am feeling" as a way of guilting and controlling the family into doing what she wanted. I was the youngest and the last one who stopped believing her.
Naturally, when she DID get sick, no one believed her because she was acting the same way she did when she tried to control us.
I don't tolerate crocodile tears from anybody who behaves like this, and am inclined to keep pushing until they're very real tears and it's a moment they won't soon forget. That said, my family doesn't engage in this degenerate behavior that necessitates such a response in the first place.
The hardest thing to remember is to not expect this advice (or any advice) to fix the situation. Nothing will fix the situation. The only thing we can do is navigate the situation in a way that is most optimal for our own mental health. The only justice I will ever taste is the secure knowledge that I’d rather be me than either of them.
Yep and to focus on my own life instead of what they're doing.
"Outrage does not make the world a better place"
Thank you, sir.
🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
Using that anger as energy to make positive changes works.
Problems with entitled/narcissistic parents will continue indefinitely.
I’m a 28 year-old grown man living an independent life in a different state from where I grew up. We all went to a cousin’s wedding, and I went solo. My parents tried to drag me through the mud for “abandoning” the event because after the dancing started post-dinner/speeches/etc, I was done drinking, didn’t want to dance, and wanted to go to sleep because I had a 14-hour drive the next day. I had talked to everyone that weekend, and said my goodbyes to the bride/groom. But my parents were mad that I didn’t text *them* that I left the party. They said “but we were concerned because we’re your parents” - maybe that would matter if I was 14!
Entitled/narcissist parents don’t know how to transition into the “post-parenting” stage of life and fall back on that role to excuse improper behavior
This is fucking hard. I don't know if I'll ever be able to have that kind of a conversation. Dr. K says my leverage is my memory, but it's my biggest flaw. With my history in childhood I've developed a mechanism to forget. So I can't even argument what happened in the past...
start keeping a diary right now of all the things that happen. When you have a bit of data you can use that as your external memory and you won't have to rely so much on yours.
Also, you don't need a lifetime of data points to start this process. If you can say "you are doing this at least since 6 months" it should be good enough.
@@Serena-or7sl I usually forget to look at my notes, or a diary before contacting my mother, since, well, I don't remember why I should in the first place. It's really stupid how this works.
Maybe, I will magically remember this interview the next time this happends.
go to therapy. Doing this on your own can feel scary so if you think it will be too difficult, a family therapy session could be helpful. I will do the same thing with my mom (we have been living in dif countries for 5 years and the relationship has just fallen apart cause i just stopped answering her calls since she doesn't respect my boundaries). Shes coming back in 2 months so having my therapist reassurance is kind of comforting since i feel really anxious about the power dynamic coming back. I hope you the best on this journey, but really going to therapy will help you even to remember stuff. When I started i didn't remember half of the stuff that she did that affects me until today
Get a job. Separate your bank account from your parents once your 18 (so they cant steal your money) and peace out. Me and all my siblings ghosted my parents on several occasions because they couldnt learn boundaries. Now my parents stay the flip out of what isnt there business.
@@Digitalman271 Sorry, not looking for that kind of advice. It's more about how to communicate with them and if I even should. So in your case you just don't talk?
The best thing you can ever do is become financially independent and MOVE THE FREAK OUT. Tell your parents to peace out and do what you want.
Doesn't have to be emotional. Doesnt have to be dramatic. Just has to be fast. Take care of yourself.
Well that is one option, and I think the most important thing is that if it works it works. But I would say that by doing this you give up an opportunity to grow closer to them. Because it is possible to connect to them. Maybe it needs some time and distance, or alternatively a good bit of courage, but it is possible.
@@VeniVinnieVici and moving out could give that distance
THIS! you cannot heal with the blade still stuck in the wound.
sucks that you can't do much when you are under 18-23 depending on which country you live in (not all countries have easy student loans; parents usually pay for university in mine).
It’s not that easy. I live in the US with my mom alone, if I leave her I will have to live with the guilt and shame of leaving her by herself in this country and some ppl like myself can’t handle that
nah, they deserve to feel like shit, make it grandiose just like all the years of suffering they imparted on you, make them regret everything for the rest of their lives, might aswell get some restraining order if possible just to piss them off family reunions
that one guy in the comments "I needed to hear this 12 years ago". Same brother, same ...
Whenever I make my dad realize a mistake he made and how hurtful it was for the entire family, he goes completely silent, doesn't talk to anyone for a couple of days. Then, he comes back and acts as if nothing happened and we let it slide. This has been happening for too fucking long. I feel like it is impossible to make some people learn, they are just here to hurt you. They realize the mistakes, yet they never change because changing would mean that they have to treat the family members as equal and my father does not want to lose the position of superiority.
My mom. 👌🏽
My dad did the same. Didn't like to be questioned or challenged, but like to analyze and critisize everyone else, saying he could hurt whoever he wanted in his own house. No you can't dad, not without losing people.
As a son with an explosive temper with a father with an explosive temper, this is gonna be hard. We clashed SO much over the years because I just learned that without exploding, my stance won't be respected. I used covid as an excuse to not come home for christmas last year. I think I'll be honest next time though - this video ended up being a really good pointer.
It also FINALLY explains why I only (and I mean ONLY) explode when clashing with my father. Any other argument, with any other person or friend, I can be as calm and measured as necessary. It's just him. And I think this stuff about boundaries is exactly why. Because he's very authoritarian and I only ever learned to explode to stand up to that.
My younger brother has the same issues. He used to get beaten up by his "friends" at school and he'd be cool with that. But when dad had something to say he'd immediately go caveman brain and rage. He's somewhat better now as he's growing, but they still clash sometimes on minor things.
We are learning animals that do what works. If it works, we do it. The fact that getting angry is what worked reinforced your learning that you should just get angry to resolve the issue even if it wasn't the correct way to go about it. It could happen with any other response to the situation as well. It's essentially beating a trained emotionally response into someone like it is muscle memory.
For me when I get stressed on something I used to just shutdown because that is what worked for me and there are still lingering tendencies. Asking questions and trying to get others to see my point of view was pointless is what I decided on. I'd quite literally refuse to interact with others no matter what even if it brought physical punishment immediately or later. Of course getting out of school and into the real world you realise quickly that you can't just ignore all of your problems in life and that I was simply relying on the fact that parents probably won't kill their own child and if they did it wasn't my problem anymore. But now that I have to be financially independent after spending the entire start of my life entirely absent from my own life because that was the coping method I fell into.
I also think there’s an element of kin selection. Especially when you’re a kid/teen, your parents are punching bags because they can’t leave you. Makes kids sound like kidnappers, but it’s kind of true! I know when I was a kid, I was very civil with everyone outside my family, but then I would yell at my parents because I trusted them- I didn’t trust friends or other people to still want me around after I yelled at them, so I didn’t yell at them. But I still had emotions to get out of my system so I yelled at my parents because they were genetically programmed to want me around even if I’m an asshole.
Obviously something you need to grow out of as an adult but I think this is still fairly normal if you’re a teenager.
Bro are you me? This is exactly how I am with me and my sister lol
Holy shit, just thinking about talking to my dad like this. I feel like I can feel his blood pressure rising.
Yeah talking is kind of a luxury option for many lol... These parents don’t want to ever be wrong or challenged
I’m a parent and I’m sweating
Sometimes, people who get high off of having the advantage in a power dynamic choose to become parents. It's... human nature to want power, and one of the easiest ways is to be a parent to someone who will be absolutely dependent on you.
I see some people in Twitch chat were stating how sometimes parents can come across as entitled or controlling when they actually are doing the right thing. To that - I say that still there needs to be a proper amount of communication and understanding between parent and child, no matter how young, to establish TRUST between parent and child. Most of us would be surprised how even the youngest of children can on some level understand what's the "right thing" to do, and would be even easier to do this moving forward the earlier you start as a parent. If you set up the expectation that you're doing this for the right reasons, the child will naturally be more inclined to actually listen.
There's a clear difference between strict parents and bad parents. There are strict parents who are good and strict parents who are bad, like my father who was extremely strict and an alcoholic
yikers gtfo there fast
that's a shitty combination
True, you can be a strict parent and have clear boundaries and explain to your child that you are just trying to build good habits. Kids really can't be allowed to run wild, they need guidance or else they would never learn anything.
The there is also the parents who just don’t care. My father has been an addict his entire life and raised me by himself and gave me all the freedom in the world. Kids with strict parents always envyed my freedom, but to be honest I really believe the lack of structure did more harm than good.
Oh shit, relatable.
When you have a parent that takes everything personally the conclusion you make as a child is that you are a burden
I'd make the conclusion that they simply don't regard me as a human. Doesn't mean I'm not one. The issue is clearly with them and not me. I only reached this conclusion because I had friends growing up and they DID make me feel respected and human, and from that dichotomy I realized something was very wrong with the way I was being treated at home.
@@GrandpaRanOverRudolf For me since the abuse was more covert, and she always made it very clear that I was exhausting her, when I was like 5 years old, I believed her, I tried to make myself as small as possible so I don't exhaust her even more. But then when I was old enough to question things I didn't want to be treated like a pushover anymore she didn't like it and we fought a lot. It's so nice that you has friends that made you feel valuable. I saw my school friends as my family so it really hurt when I graduated.
Me I realized it was wrong because I realized I would never talk to someone the way she talks to me, and I was in such emotional pain there had to be something wrong. Or when I watched TV I thought the mothers were way too kind and it was unrealistic. But then I was like "it would be nice if people could treat each others like that", so I became a good person.
Dr K has that dad and chad energy simultaneously
Being a good dad correlates with being a giga-chad
@@DoomMage so true
@@DoomMage [GIGACHAD THEME INTENSIFIES]
@@DoomMage Adam from Record of Ragnarok
Chdad
One of the biggest issues in these kinds of relationships is that things often only get "resolved" when power becomes at least somewhat even. It usually becomes a "game" of holding on, letting go, and trying to stomach how things are.
That's what most things in life boil down to in the very end. You just have to make sure that once _you're_ the one with power, you don't abuse it like how other people did to you. End the cycle. I say people instead of parents because this can also apply to other jobs like teachers, bosses, etc.
That bothers me so very much. If somebody was shitty to me due to a power dynamic I can't find a reason to forgive them. Just because we're equals now simply hides the problem, it doesn't necessarily make them better people. I can't in good conscience hold them in a good regard because doing so might give them other dependents.
@@WanderTheNomad Very true words. Ending the cycle is the most powerful and neccessary move from there
disowning my parents was probably the best decision I ever made
Same (ppl be judging fuck 'em all *uno reverse card*)
agreed and i'm sorry but this the only time i have to disagree with Dr. K cutting toxicity out of your life is cutting toxicity out of your life. I cut ties at 23, i'm 32 and i haven't regretted it. I just wish the message in this video was okay so yes this all does sound like narc parenting and two try to make it work but you are not a failure if you have to cut ties for your own mental well being it's okay you can have a happy life without people making you miserable all the time. Also you don't owe your parents anything for raising you, they signed up for it, it was their responsibility and the minimum to feed, clothe and put a roof over your head so I feel like that example of the son paying his parents bills could be misleading to some who are already made to feel they owe their parents for this bare minimum.
@@anitacrumbly are you asian?? If not this heavily for Asian people situation.. 90% of problem in Asia is just like this
I read drown oh god xd
I even went through the process of changing my surname. It was a great liberation for me. My existence is no longer tied to a bad man, and no longer tied to someone else's priorities. I begin my own family tree/history
I mean, growing up i knew my dad wasn't a good parent and neither was my mom. They were controlling as hell. I could never do right, i would always get spanked for random reasons and everyone was "because i said so" instead of being explained. I felt i couldn't do anything right ever. My mom has since apologized for being a bad mom when i bring up my rough ass childhood. My dad is in denial that I was ever mistreated. And I guess it's safe to say that's why they divorced this year after 30 years because when I could no longer be bossed around as a kid, my dad started bossing and controlling my mom which is why she left him. My moment of awakening and realizing that this wasn't the way kids should be treated was very early. I became aware of it at the age of 7 that i would never treat my kids this way when i become a father some day. Rough shit.
"Parents who don't respect boundaries and doesn't give the kids autonomy and choices."
Well you might as well have said Asian household lmao
White as fuck parents and did the same to me mate. Like he said, there’s a stereotype but a minority of most racial groups parent this way as well
And on some level I almost wish my parents were Asian because at least they would have driven me hard and I probably would have been a doctor or a lawyer by now. My entitled white parents still wanted to be all like “follow your dreams, do what you want, we’re not gonna tell you how to live your life, set your own path” while simultaneously being like “you want freedoms? Sorry nah”
Edit: please excuse the ways in which this sounds competitive or “I had it worse” I’m really just trying to share my experience, and doing so works me up a bit so there’s probably some aggression in my writing. But it’s not meant to invalidate anyone else’s experience
@@BD-yl5mh In the US, the reason for the stereotype is that most Asian parents are immigrants. The 3rd and 4th gen Asians are extremely watered-down versions of those parents. However, this controlling atmosphere stems from immigrants coming from third-world countries. They couldn't depend on the government to support them like in 1st world countries, so the children become the retirement plan. So they control a lot of what they do because they're afraid of their retirement plan peacing out of them. While I do understand the situation, I'm not really sympathetic to it.
@@0doublezero0 was that your family experience?
@@BD-yl5mh My parents were more on the liberal side of letting me make my choices. However, they did have some moments where they were controlling, I say this even now as an adult.
This is a worldwide cultural problem. Asians just don't care to hide it.
According to some professors in the new age, the most addictive type of narcissistic behavior is attack/devalue/discard style. It's more addictive than cocaine. You attack the child (criticize), you devalue them (I'm the parent I'm infinity times you!), then you discard them (ignore or such) if they have anything to say after. It's the same process schoolyard bullies use.
I have an experience with an Asian parent re: the chat comments about how there can be a language barrier with these parents.
These concepts can be translated, and they do exist within our communities and language, it was that my parents literally faked not being able to understand me to avoid the emotional work, also feigned amnesia or forgetting abuse to gaslight was a particular technique.
Ah yeah my mom does the same. She also does the "Oh I have a headache" then walks away. Ugh.
Holy crap this is the first time I've seen someone mention this particular type of gaslighting, tysm
Oh my god! That’s ridiculous! Ridiculously sad!! Ugghh
But in the same breath you should respect and obey them, because of their awesomeness?
@@crimsonroseare you me? I’ve literally had this experience
Lol my mum would literally just start attacking and threatening me if I were to ever question our relationship, how decisions are made, what might happen when I get independence etc. Mine expects me to stay forever, get married (to someone she can control) and have kids which she'll look after while I work. She would purposefully sabotage me/ put obstacles in my way to ensure I don't gain independence. In cases like these, the only option is to leave. Trying to get parents like this to understand is pointless and it's better to not discuss the future. With time, they will either stop trying to be controlling if they really value the relationship, or you'll need to stop talking to them entirely.
i feel you. I told my mom that when i get a job eventually i want to move out and she said i have to get married first ( arranged marriage). I just hope i can be free one day.
Oof this video has shown me that I need vastly more practice laying and particularly sticking to my boundaries with my family, especially my parents. Although my parents aren't full entitled and have changed a good deal as time has gone on, there's definitely tendencies that keep popping up and I keep giving them the benefit of the doubt only to get burned later.
I hate to say it like this you have treated the situation like they are giant children. If you give them an inch, they will go a mile. Don't cave on the boundaries and only then will you get some modicum of respect.
There’s not enough people talking about how dire the bad parents issue is today. My parents came from the “kids should be seen and not heard” generation, which has always struck me as DEEPLY problematic.
Wow that whole "I'm not going home because you don't respect my boundaries" conversation went pretty smoothly. If I tried to do that to my parents, they'd just get angry at me by either calling me ungrateful or unreasonable. No attempts at civil conversation, only rage and guilt-tripping. I've found that it's often more effective to just ignore them.
Uhhhh all of this sounds veeery familiar. :/ Unfortunately, asking parents about power dynamics and respecting opions just ended up in parents even further pushing their entitlement. ...so I left.
wait wait wait! Are you the same person?! LOL The burning question?
@@haunts3479 oh you recognize my avatar actually? I use it allover the place, I drew it. Where have we met before?
@@Kriliska in some asmr video I think about astronomy. I asked you about your avatar and you told me you drew it and said your alias was something along the lines of "the burning question". idk how long ago but months ago I think.
@@haunts3479 holy crap, that is some outstanding memory you got there. :D
@@Kriliska I dont think I have a good memory. I just like your avatar and it is memorable.
Even when I was growing up, I've always observed that parents are abusive by nature because of how much power they wield. Most parents don't know how to control that kind of power and become low-key abusive. I came to this epiphany in junior high when I owned a cat. I said to myself "holy shit, I can COMPLETELY control if this cat survives or not; if I don't feed it or give it water and keep it in the house, it'll eventually die. Damn." I was 13 or so at the time. Don't worry, I didn't entertain that. I made sure to take care of my cat. But that observation DID cross my mind back then.
Don't think many parents see it that way. At all. They just get too excited to start a family or like Dr. K says their own upbringing gets them to project their own pain onto their kids.
Not to mention that a lot of people have a kid just so they could experience that absolute power over someone. I've heard this exact feeling of high explained to me by a parent. It's nuts.
As a 30 year old who has completely cut my father off for the last six months unexpectedly (my mom has been cut off for years and will probably stay that way), this is immensely helpful. I've been wanting to at least give him the decency of an explanation why. I have been putting it off for longer than I have intended, because I knew I'd get emotional explaining my reasons, if I wasn't cut off in defense and have the whole conversation unravel. This gives SUCH a good breakdown and outline into how I can approach it.
Part of my apprehension is knowing just because I can explain it, doesn't mean anything will change. 18 years of being lied to, gaslit, shamed, and disrespected no matter what I did, is not so easy to just unlearn, especially considering they wouldn't be doing this for themselves. I get so frustrated with the "gee, I didn't know...", playing dumb card, I think instead of trying to convince them and explain things, asking what they took from what I said will be a very powerful tool that will save me a lot of frustration. Dr k you're top tier!
I really want to see an interview with an entitled parent where some of these conversations happen. It seems so impossible to navigate for somebody who is young and dependent and at the hands of somebody who easily resorts to physical violence.
Yeah this video is definitely not for people who have physically abusive parents, or parents that are more hateful and manipulative than the ones discussed in the vid.
When I was 17ish my dad had been riding my last nerve that day, he was being particularly overbearing and needlessly controlling for no reason other than he could. I said, all the other siblings have moved out and are married with kids. I'M going to be the one taking care of you in old age. I promise you I'll treat you how you've treated me. He took a looooong pause. To be honest I think that was the first time he ever reflected on his behavior seriously. He replied, just put me in an old folks home and forget about me. With a smile I replied, Oh no no, I love you and I'll take GOOD care of you. As he walked away to avoid the conversation I pointed out that he'd rather be abandoned than be treated the way he does me. I'd hoped it would be food for thought, nothing more. But I think the realization of his behavior scared him for at least 30 seconds before dismissing it.
My god... I wish I had access to this video with Spanish subtitles. So many of my non-English-speakers friends need to watch this!!! Such a great video, it is actually surprising how you put into words such a complex aspect of life. Admirable!
This video perfectly summed up my relationship with my dad. I honestly am crying right now because this is the only time I've ever felt heard for my experiences.
This is EXACTLY what my therapist said! Try to question their thoughts or their way on thinking. If you just say a statement (even in calm respectful manner), one way or another it will lead to argue. They see as you're challenging them, my house my rule. My goal is to understanding, still being respectful to them while setting my boundaries as an adult (preparing independent from my parents, move out, etc.) Still not seeing changes in them, I doubt they will change. But, I feel that I got my power back and it felt good.
this is how i feel, i work and go to college but my parents never seem to appreciate what I do. I pay my own stuff, pay rent, pay my own phone. Yet the environment in this household is too much, I always feel anxious, worried, very unhappy and i cant do much about it.
This is hilarious. This is literally what I did to my mum without realizing what I was doing. I can't believe I got there. It was so hard and so painful for both of us and actually took YEARS. Maybe if I'd had Dr K guiding me, it would've taken less time and been a lot less awful.
I hope you also appreciate and honor the work you put in regardless of how long it took. You’re a trooper! 🤘🏻
This seems like a lot of work. Moving away and letting time decay their comfort in demanding things from me seems better
glad you found a solution that works :)
I agree
What worked for me as a counter to "we know what's best for you" was not to argue that they don't, but to ask "okay, so, by what metric are you measuring 'best'?" i.e. - are their advice/decisions the 'best' because it will maximize my future income? my happiness? their happiness? their reputation? As soon as they have to think about *that*, you have a chance of getting somewhere, because that's the foundation of understanding that when you disagree with them you're not telling them they're *wrong* (except when you are, but one step at a time) but you just have different priorities. Or - ideally - maybe even realize that how they were coming to those decisions for you doesn't actually line up with their own values.
Getting a parent to realize that you are a person separate from themself, with different needs and different preferences, can be hard, emotionally, and tricky, because you actually need to *not* convince them to agree with you on anything, but have them realize that you *can and will disagree* just like any other adult might disagree with them or have different preferences.
"Just tell me what you want" is a trap, too. There's no point answering that question to someone too far in the habit of not listening to you. They gotta figure some of this stuff out on their own, that way they'll actually believe it.
If my parents where that controlling (The story Dr. K told) i'd cut contact with these people at the drop of a hat when i became an adult.
This naive way of thinking that you can path-up a relationship with toxic parents that did so much harm during your childhood years is just low-key infuriating.
Blood relations etc means absolutely nothing and people should view family members the same way they view friends and act accordingly.
I think it's up to people to choose how much or little of a relationship they want with their parents. Makes sense that it would be little or none with some of them. You can bend a relationship dynamic but you can't fix people who refuse to see the problems
Holy moly, Dr K hitting us with the legendary strats.
It has been said already. But staying unemotional while having a tough discussion with parents, is final boss level calm. Maybe dr K could do it while living with them. But over 99% will not be able to withstand the pressure parents can put on you.
I could never keep my cool whenever they threatened to kick me out.
Honestly I wasnt even able to calm down after hours and hours.
I did do this after living on my own which was tremendously healing.
My method for staying unemotional is seeing them try to manipulate me with screaming and crying, and I tell myself “I don’t want to be like them”
I can assure you I would not be going to therapy if it weren't for my family. They have caused me so much stress and pressure that it puts me in a state of despair and suffocation. Dr. K always seems to be dealing with clients who are internally struggling, so I would never expect to see a video of him talking about outside forces like family. I'm so glad he is discussing this, especially when all the points made hit really close to home. It makes me feel heard for once.
I'm so grateful for Dr. K, this channel, and the community! I hope we can finally influence a generation where mental health and mental struggles are being validated, even if they don't conform with societal standards.
I've been in these situations with my parents, and they did not change. I'm now in my 40s. It wasn't even that I made bad decisions, I just wanted to make my OWN decisions. I didn't have the vocabulary (or calmness) to have this kind of conversation with them, and exactly what Dr. K said, happened. There wasn't much left when I was out in the world making my own money. I did end up cutting them out of my life, without much conversation, because of their refusal to listen to me even as an adult. If you're a young adult in this boat, I wish you all the best. It's not an easy situation to be in.
My brother and i have a father who made it all about him. Yes, he was provider. Yes, he was in the home. However, there was no emotional ground for us to speak on. If the idea wasn't his exactly, you were getting shut down hard.
Now that we're both out of the house, he started deconstructing his emotional walls through writing music. It's incredible. The strongest man i know is becoming a tempered warrior-poet, and im dumbfounded.
It wasn't easy, but it was simple. Like pushing a giant boulder up a hill. We're all pushing together now, and I've never been happier in my family than today.
Hes not special to me because he was a perfect father. He's special to me because he became the father he is without a father to take lead from. His was taken from him too early, and he STILL did it. And because of that, i get to blind him with the fire of my soul.
Love you all. You can do it. Keep fighting toward the highest good and burn bright for all to see.
Once I started setting boundaries with my abusive father, I think it finally hit him that I didn't want him as a big part of my life. He never changed, but he finally understood that his actions had consequences.
what if they bring up stuff like,
"you dont appreciate stuff we've done for you all these years" "the sacrifice we took to raise you, such and such" stuff like that.
my mom suffered something medical that could have killed her, and she spent my years 13 to 15 trying to call me and blame me for her medical issue because of the "amount of stress" I put her through. The reason she was calling me is she kicked me out of the house because she didn't like the friends I had (they were just poor and she was snobby) and I was forced to live with my dad who I'd never seen before a continent away.
Yeah I wasn't buying it. I refused to talk on the phone with her and I just laughed. Wanna know what prevents empathy from forming in abusive households? Probably cases like these where people try to weaponize it. As an adult when anyone wants pity I simply don't deal with them now, and tbh it seems to me I'm better off for it anyway.
My mom acts this exact way whenever we get in the slightest of arguments.
Really wears you down and just makes you want to give up on trying to save your relationship with them.
If you are an independent adult you don't owe your parents anything anymore-you are free to make your own choices. If they try to guilt you into doing something point it out as unacceptable behavior and a part of the problem-ie, weaponized guilt is part of why I need to set up these boundaries.
You don’t owe them anything. Having you was THEIR choice. The second you were born you were their responsibility as a parent, by law, and as a human with morals to take care of you. Guilt tripping you for their decision and moral right as a decent human is shameful and wrong. If they try to say that they could’ve raised you worse, then it’s probably best you don’t continue that conversation. Even _daring_ to suggest that they could’ve been bad/abusive parents (or that you had it “good” out of the goodness of their hearts) and using that against you is downright awful, insensitive, and manipulative. If they feel that treating you like their child, someone they should care about with their lives, with kindness was a GIFT given to you then shame on them. If they can’t see that then like I said, better to walk away.
You could try telling them that yes, they did the bare minimum to keep you alive. The bare minimum is REQUIRED, not necessarily something you need to thank them for. Also, being alive is great and all, but if their crap made you miserable, then you can't even enjoy the things in life, so their bare minimum didn't even matter. Idk, maybe that's a mean thing to say to them? But I have zero patience for parents like this (I had a mother like this). I'd rather be a "bad person" than tolerate their crap.
I moved out as soon as I got my first job after college, which was more than 5 years ago. My parents now use a 'How much you owe me' card to manipulate me. They spent so much money and time to raise me, so they still feel entitled. The hardest part for me is letting it go. I could just say no and they can be 'disappointed' all they want, but I guess I still seek for their approval and love.
They even want me to move back now. They must've had so much fun going through my room and my phone, reading my texts and diary when I was living with them🤷♀️
Next time you can say: „did I ask you to be born? I’d say: we’re even! Now I’ve to look how to make the best of my life and if you want to support me in that, I’d be happy. If not, please leave me at least alone.“
"Well what can I do to fix this?"
you didn't listen for 20+ years, why should I expect you to start listening now? Sounds like you care more about your relationship with my kids more than yours.
Yeah they gotta do the fkn legwork
Thank you for the video. I also have parents who are controlling. My dad controlled me as a mean to cope with his somewhat unsuccessful career (not that bad objectively but far behind my mom); and my mom bury herself in work to escape from an unhappy marriage and her grumpy teenager kid.
My dad wouldn't allow me to show any negative emotion while my mom just pretended she didn't hear me when i was trying to get understanding and support (stared at the TV and ignored me even though i sat right next to her).
I started to watched Dr. K's videos and started to realized how those past experience shaped me to be who i am today. And hopefully with the awareness it'll be easier for me to heal and change.
Still I DISAPPROVE THE TECHIES PICK.
As an autistic 17 year old girl where my mum has been telling me to move out since I was 15 because my panic attacks cause her so much stress and her pushing me down the stairs during my panic attacks and still not being able to escape and having no real way to communicate because of my autism I feel trapped but listening to this is comforting
You will get through this. You can become the person you want to be, and you can be a better person than she ever was to you. Do whatever you have to, to start gaining independence bit by bit. That means making money however you can, knowing who in your life you can trust, like friends who might let you stay with them, adults who you know you can reach out to.
I used to be in a situation very much like yours. I have adhd and I was shamed for making mistakes, and scapegoated by my parents and brother because I could never just put on a mask and pretend to be happy. I thought about running away, I thought about wanting to die. I felt so worthless and stupid and angry. I just wanted my parents to love me but they didn't know how to do that. I felt betrayed knowing all the ways they failed me. But I was able to get out.
It hurts so much, I still cry about it sometimes years after cutting them out. But I had to accept that my relationship with them was over, and stop expecting them to care about my feelings or my pain. Once I completely gave up on them, it became a little easier to deal with reality, and figure out what I needed to do to become independent. People who treat you like that are not worth your time.
Idk.. i hope this helps. I hope it helps you get through another day, and hold onto your future. It gets better, it will get better. You just have to keep going.
Oh lord... I.. you talking about setting those hard boundaries and like hanging up.. that raised my blood pressure. I am so scared of the backlash I'll receive for setting a boundary like that. I am financially dependant and pointing out the unhealthy relationship has gotten me the question "should we be spending thousands of dollars to house you if you don't want to be around us." I did not know how to counter that and i froze.
I wish i could have asked "if you want me to like being around you, how is asking that question going to make me want that?" That of course will also probably draw a negative reaction but there's hope she might stop and think about her actions and how they affect me instead of playing the victim everytime i try to argue and explain how her actions affect me
I, too, moved out overnight. Those few months were rough but I could not salvage the relationship in a way that was acceptable to me.
Man, pretty much everything Dr. K says is sensible and reasonable. He has greatly changed my view on therapy.
The problem with the "I have more exp in life" argument is that it isn't wrong, they do have more exp, and usually (or at least for me) 10 years later I realized they were indeed right about a lot of the things I thought were bs. It's just that if that argument is used too much by parents it undermines the autonomy of the child to learn those things by itself.
Also, a lot of the time it just isnt true. Being alive doesnt just give you more experience for free. Theres 17 year olds out there with more "life experience" than most 80 year olds. Also, sometimes having experience makes you less trustworthy to give advice. Since experience really just means "I have a personal story which went a certain way." typical example of this is the parent who gives the advice not to follow your dreams cause they did and it turned to shit. So they give this really half assed life advice based on a very narrow experience they personally had without every taking any nuance or broader view beyond their own experiences into account
@@samuelmorkbednarzkepler I was going to say it rn, I read somewhere that due to internet the mental age is not the same as the age of the body. It's the same like comparing a medieval scholar in his 30s to the oldest person from a small village. Even though their age differs, both sides have their strong sides and ignoring one just because of age is just bs.
@@kaptur9760 Yes, both sides have their strenghts. Dismissing the exp argument is stupid and dismissing the child desiring autonomy is stupid too
@@samuelmorkbednarzkepler There are always exceptions but just because 1% of 17 year olds has a lot of experience that doesn't say anything against my argument. Also giving advice is usually way more nuanced than "I have a personal story that went a certain way". Also I didn't say the advice is always right, and even when it is it might still be better for the kid to expierence it themself.
This is what i go thru on the daily but not on an extreme level. I know they're right. I understand why they're trying to teach me and get me to learn and understand things before i actually do them. But this way i never get to learn stuff on my own. And the problem gets doubled for the fact that i only learn when i fail on doing certain things. They don't understand the fact that no matter how much they teach mex i will only learn when i experience these things first hand and fail at them.
29:36 😂 This needs to be a warning said from the jump... Because in my head, I was imagining how easily this could escalate the problem and destroy relationships with certain parents who'd definitely take it as threats
I accidentally did this with my mom. She always powerplayed, "once you have studies, once you're over 18, as long as you are in my house" and when I grew tired of it I asked what her expectations were and in a discussion I said I would turn out like my uncle (her brother) who didn't talk to grandpa for years after he cut the dependency from my grandparents and their powerplay ended. At the time she raged hard but later on I feel like she got much different.
Parents never seem to understand that their children grow up… good on you.
Well done.
glorious hair genetics!
for real.
Your content makes my brain so happy. It helps me learn, heal and help others heal. It gives me hope for the world knowing so many gamers can channel themselves into building healthier relationships. ☺️
40 years of trying to be good enough for dad and I finally learned that hes just not good enough for me.
It took him threatening to hurt my toddler son once. That very second, I lost alll fear of this man.
Children are hard but, holy cow, their unconditional love is so healing.
the more i listen to all the life stories of Dr. K's clients, the more i feel lucky that I have a pair of excellent parent and have a lot of mentors guided me through life.
My experience is similar and different in a lot of ways. My mom began developing an alcohol addiction while she was in college about 10 years ago, and as of this month she's about 6 months sober. My dad, in December 2020 (my mom was still an alcoholic at that time) - this was literally a week after I moved back in with them - got completely inebriated one night and the two of them were arguing about whether he could post a sort of "f*** work" thing on Facebook where his boss could see it. The two of them argued, getting louder and louder until eventually, he grabbed a chair and threw it into the wall and began punching holes in walls over and over and over again. So he started saying things like "If any of you f***kers call the police, I'm killing you" and obviously my younger brother Kaelan, and myself, called the police at two different times during this incident. And since then, he's been in jail, gotten a no-contact order with us, violated that 2 times and went to jail 2 times for it, and he was told that the third would mean life in prison. By the third time, I had already moved out because I'm trying to stay away from all of that toxicity but for some reason or another, he managed to convince me to let him stay at my place. He stayed 2 months rent free and was drinking the entire time. When my roommates got uncomfortable and told me I had to kick him out, he started going around saying that I was a dirt bag and wouldn't take care of my own pops and all that stuff. So can you guess the first place he went after leaving my place? My mom's. Violating the order. They didn't call the cops. I found out the next morning when I called her and she was acting terrified over the phone and I asked, "dad's there, isn't he?" and she said "yes, your grandma's awake" and after that conversation was over, I immediately called the cops. So third violation, he should be in prison for life. But the prosecutors kept sending his file between two districts and lost the paperwork, and let him free. I don't know why they're not rectifying it. He's still calling my mom constantly and playing victim, saying she did this to him and that she was too drunk to know what happened that night, blah blah blah. He's constantly still harassing her and the cops refuse to get involved.
But where I'm talking about entitled parents is my mom consistently trying to gaslight me into believing that I was only paying $600 a month instead of $800 and refusing to look at the Zelle transactions. I had a ledger of every rent payment of the previous several months and she refused to see it. Albeit she was drunk, it was still enough for me to find a new home. And my roommates right now are more like family to me than my family ever has been, so I think I'm in a better place mentally too because of that.
"Our people don't do that!!" Some cultures need to lighten up.
This actually gives some insight about why certain minorities are under represented in some fields like sports. It could be from their culture discouraging them from pursuing this type of life.
"Our people don't do that."
"Great, then I'll be the first."
Idk who needs to hear this but your culture isn't sacred, it never was. You can violate it if that's what you need to lead a healthy life
I don't have parents like that so I'm not sure how much I don't know here, but looking at the experiences from the people in the comments, parents often shut them down by just bursting out into an outrage or tears, I think what he says here, is that you have to direct the conversation in a way that prevents them from getting emotional, which... Sounds like hell amd is probably super hard to actually pull off, but I do think there is a way to do it correctly...
To sum up the tips that he gave for those situations in my understanding: you don't wanna start raising your voice or get angry, just be genuinely curious of their replies to your questions and when they start getting emotional you have to calm them down and only after they've calmed down, continue the conversation, if they say things like "you don't love me" just say "I never said that" you could add a "but" here, but I'm not sure how much this would help calming them down amd when they start spouting stuff about how they're the parent and you have to listen to them, repeat that yes they're right you have to listen to them *for now*
... Honestly it's easy for me to write all this, but mad respect to anyone who actually has the balls to go through with it, you are a mad lad
might have to go through it myself, me and my big brother (23) are tired of it, it's that or we're moving out together asap, first glimpse of financial independence (or who knows, actually sueing her for psychological damage and forcing emancipation) we're out
My mom wasn't super problematic, but there was a fair amount of entitlement. So, when I was 18 I made it a point to be financially independent as soon as possible. Can't take my phone/computer/car etc if they're in my name... eventually moved out and haven't looked back. If you're not fortunate enough to be in my situation, I wish you luck, it'll work out eventually 💛
This conversation truly hit a note with me. My parents were not prime example of "entitled" but they definitely showed tendencies into that direction. Most of the things I wanted or criticism I might have had, ideas how to improve things etc. were always met with "We just want you to listen, not to question". To this day I really feel that sits kinda badly with me and this conversation gave me some good tips on how to maybe deal with that situation. Thanks!!
Keep in mind that the advice in this video was based the assumption that the parents are trying to what they think is best for their children, and that their entitlement comes from the decision to use this parenting style as a means to that end. A lot of people in the chat were saying stuff like "This is terrible advice, I'd be dead if I said that." If that's the kind of power dynamic that's going on, then I don't think that the advice from this video applies. And he's not saying to literally ask the parents those questions, he's saying that the person needs to figure out a way to gain some level of understanding of where there parent is coming from, and then also find some way to get their parents to think. This is really hard because the situation is unique for everyone, so he can't really know what exactly you should say to your parents.
If the parents are narcissistic or physically/verbally abusive then I think this is a different problem and perhaps requires a different approach.
I'm not a psychologist, these are just some of my thoughts about this topic.
Thank you. Been going through a lot with my mom these past few days and having issues like this so it’s really great to have this type of thing as a resource and I really appreciate the work that you do.
Man, this video really came at the perfect time for me. Hopefully everything will go well, ever since i was a kid i'd avoid absolutely everything so i didn't get undermined or yelled at. It's only recently i've been trying things since things have gotten so extremely bad
You're so right about power dynamics and how they affect the core of a relationship. My dad and I always butted heads because he had specific things he wanted from me and we fought all the time but once I moved out into my own place and he couldn't tell me what to do anymore, I was able to more effectively stick up for myself. He didn't have any power over me and that really equalized our relationship.
this is incredibly important content. I feel so seen
My mother recently called me an abusive narcissist because I declined an invitation to brunch. Strong reminder of why I moved out.
I wish this existed in 2010 when I had to choose my career path. It would've saved me 5 years of my life that I spent getting a degree I wont ever use because after I did what they wanted me to do I felt liberated and chose my own career path lol
7:40-7:50 this was exactly my thoughts quite literally 24 hours ago, after I had a discussion with my dad and he got upset and raised his voice and I remained calm and tried to dissect what was happening. My dad grew up in Japan and he had a rough childhood (no mom, dad was always out of the house so house was empty majority of the time and my dad had to learn to be independent at 10 years old) and i literally thought to myself that many East-asian (and likely other cultural groups too) parents teach their kids to be robots instead of human beings. Thanks for validating and affirming my thoughts. It's a big work in progress but I do want my parents to have better relationships with my siblings and I. Thank you Dr. K, I have learned so much from you in the past few months.
As the child of two foreign parents from the same country, I remember how strict the rules that were enforced in regards to my freedom were. When I graduated high school and went to college, I too had struggled with my new-found freedom. Suddenly I became the sole supervisor for my own actions, having had no practice in my previous 17 years of life to have success with such responsibility. I don't think these things have much to do with a person's intelligence, as I consider myself to be an intelligent person and have been affirmed by a good few, so it must have some truth to it; instead my problem was that I didn't know how to take care of myself, how to prioritize things, how to study (high school was a breeze, which didn't help at all because when college came around, I had no studying skills), and how to socialize with new peers. I consider this a direct failure on my parent's part, and I remember my parents were always looking at shows that discussed how to be "more involved" in the lives of their kids (either on the news, or shows like Dr. Phil, etc etc.). However parents who viewed such content were not perceiving these learned skills to be harmful to the success of their children, as they were under the guise that they would be preventing the possibility of their child being put in a harmful situation. They put time-restraints on my game-time, they sometimes stalked me when I was with my friends using a locator device, and they were always telling me what I NEEDED to do, and HOW to do it. Never once in my childhood had I made a choice, a real choice, for myself. Not once in my adolescence did I get a taste of the thing people call "autonomy." Instead I was babied, treated as immature, and berated when I did not accomplish the goals set out by my parents.
I'm 26 now, still trying to learn how to function properly as an adult, and I have to say it is quite embarrassing to see your old classmates, even people who were younger than you, turn out to be more educated, more responsible, more polished than I am.
Kids, if you have parents who are pissing you off, they are most likely just doing it because they are your parents. Much of the stuff they do has a lot of good intention behind it, and it's easy to overlook that when their approach is totally invasive and disrespectful towards you. HOWEVER: we live in a time where great people like Dr. K can show us exactly the pieces we need to connect the dots and apply them to our own situation. Remember, adolescence is a weird time, and having stressful parents can really make or break your ability to succeed. The family of origin gives us a lot of "baggage" but it's your DUTY to iron-out the kinks and to be the best you that you can be if you have the ability to actually understand the dynamics of interpersonal relationships, especially that amongst your immediate family. Please remember, no one is perfect, that most of the time being non-judgmental is the best way to meet new people, and that the only person you have control of is YOU. Now take control, and find a healthy and respectable way to approach each situation that arises, and one day you will realize in the moment that the preparation you have undergone in the past is finally showing fruit. Things become palpable, and life becomes wonderful if you learn how to navigate.
I wish you all good luck, and I appreciate you guys for clicking on this video because that already shows that you're (at the very least) trying to understand the world around you, and yourself.
Much love.
Thank you. Im also the same regarding not being autonomous at 17, cuz idk how to be independent. Everything has been told to me