Have YOU turned off your LIGHT, so the NARCISSIST CAN SHINE?
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- Опубліковано 25 чер 2024
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT. - Розваги
If you don’t dim your light, they will dim it for you.
Ew my narc father used the saying "the light went dim" concerning my narc ex flatmates marriage and trying to set me up with him. God knows they never were going to be bright light from conception. I'm glad people know my parents are polluted on all levels
They can't stand it when they can't take away what they want to possess. They want things like they shopping in a restaurant. They order the sides, the type of meat and its way of cooking, salad no salad etc. Consumerism in character, but it is all fake.
If they can't take it from others, they destroy it.
Shine it so bright they get blinded by it.
One line really struck me here: The narcissist sees their victim as a threat. They do do much of what they do because they are afraid.
They cannot step outside of the "me vs you" framework. They believe they are entirely alone and need to protect themselves, especially from loved ones.
Their fear is also why they are so firmly in their narrative and will lash out at anyone questions it. They know they feel afraid, they don't at all see that they become the offenders by being so insistent.
This is spot on, and why they resent the people they need the most.
They do much of what they do because they are jealous and they are afraid that they can't match up. They want to have things because they are entitled. Nothing else, just plainly entitled.
And jealous
@@SylPaperworks I have gotten stuck in situations before, not realizing that they weren't ever going to function beyond that mindset. In those circumstances, I projected my own value of connection onto others, thinking that they were upset when we were disconnected. But the connection was always the exception, not the rule. The rule was for me to be in the bad guy role. It happens over and over via repetition compulsion in my relationships. Even if in the beginning I can't even imagine feeling ostracized by the person, eventually they begin to treat me as an adversary (without a reason that they're willing to share or that I have figured out, beyond their own denial & shame). I have to be bad and wrong, because in their narrative, if I was not a horrible mean punitive witch, then they would have to look in the mirror. If they do not have "justification" to speak down to me, that means there is something wrong with them.
Narcissists NEED an enemy, to justify their own shit. When they aren't attached and there isn't any comparison yet, they can be kind. But once their mind has compared their selves to another, that other has to be the bad one. Looking in the mirror is too scary, too shameful, must be avoided at all costs.
🐦 a bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song…😅
❤
Beautiful
Thank you Dr Ramani
❤❤❤❤❤
After going to dinner with another couple or friends my husband would take me aside and say that one of the friends had told him something critical about me or my behavior. This happened repeatedly over years and I dimmed my light and he shined. I didn’t realize this pattern until I left my husband of 20 years. My friends have now commented how much they have enjoyed getting to know me without the company of my ex husband! I came out of my shell and shined on my own, in my own way.
🙌👍👍 glad you got away! Thrive!❤
After cutting off a toxic friend, I was with a gathering of completely unrelated friends and one of them remarked, "You're taking the lead more in conversation again. It's nice." I had been sitting back silently and letting other people lead in groups solely because of my toxic friend who complained about getting talked over and other people being pushy, and it was impacting social engagements where they weren't even present. My real friends see my contributions as a benefit, because they like me. not as competition for attention, which is what this ex-friend saw their relationships as.
As a teen, I wanted to be INVISIBLE! My Narc Relatives tried to keep me down, but I escaped from HELL!
I've literally had Narcissists say "you're too bright! Tone it down!" Whene I've walked into a room. And they mean it. There's so many in the world now that if I'm in a group setting I pretend to be invisible to avoid their meanness.
Me too, I now make sure I say to amazing young people, "the world needs your light"
Next time tell them no they will have to turn down their darkness.
My mother and sister in law were my biggest childhood bullies.
He wanted me at first for my vibrancy and quickly proposed in a public setting. Almost immediately did things to triangulate me. I found out he had addictions to porn, fetish chat rooms and alcohol. I didn't notice the change in me until I sought a therapist. I spent over 15 years walking on eggshells and trying to stay happy and productive. It was a complete nightmare marriage. During the pandemic I knew he was cheating. He would not admit it until March of 2021 on our 15th anniversary.
I've been divorced 3 years and still work daily on recovery since the poison from that marriage hurt my body, mind and spirit.
Thanks to Dr Ramani for her UA-cam lessons and free support of this community of survivors. I pray for all of us. ❤
Literally finding my light again now. I made out it recently after 16 years. He had me feeling so small and bad about my self. Climbing out of the darkness now.
Same here.
I won't dim my light, I'll just carry my light away
I was a private flight attendant before the pandemic, and we would literally refer to certain colleagues as 'dimmers'!! You had to dim your talent to make them look better! You couldn't outshine the lead flight attendant. Literally. This video hit home. Dr. Ramani - keep doing what you are doing, you are such a light in this dark and narcissistic world.
wow "dimmers!"
😂 I worked in Attica Prison for 15 years, same same Sis. Unreal. The world is run by Narcissistic effs. It's unreal
My vocal cords never fully developed because my parents were adamant about "children are to be seen, and not heard". To this day, I have trouble speaking up.
Take singing lessons, it’ll give you your voice back
Or go into the woods & practice screaming 🙏
Also try long, peaceful drives & talk talk talk to yourself & sing loudly 🥰
*Sorry about your parents 😢
That was one of my narc mother’s infamous lines as well 💔
I’ve noticed that every narcissist I have dealt with, and are dealing with hate to see me happy, and therefore will do everything to destroy it. Then they spin it around to make me feel responsible for them having shame over their behavior.
For example I remember going to a funeral for a family friend who lost their son in a terrible accident, when I approached the mother, step father and the sister and brothers to give my condolences, they reached out to give me a hug for coming to honor their son and sibling.
Days later I was accused by my sister and sister in law that the step father and I were flirting with each other. They took something so innocent and literally made it dirty. I was genuinely sorry for their loss and wanted them to know that I was thinking of them. There was absolutely no flirting or laughing, it was just a hug and condolences to each family member. They turned a moment into something they needed to make me feel shameful for.
Now I’m considered the bad person for refusing to involve myself with them because of the lies, unkind words and all forms of abuse, they have put me through.
I now realize that my whole family are not just narcissistic, they are pure evil.
Thank you Dr. Ramani, for showing that it’s not us.
@user-es3kk2iz9x I’m struggling with my health and having no one because of the smear campaigns they have succeeded in doing has added to the stress I’m already under. I’m so exhausted but still trying to stay afloat.
I had stopped sharing good news with people altogether. I did it to avoid drama and save time. But the Narc is now using flying monkeys to keep track of my accomplishments and is angrier than before.
Good
Definitely my ex now. Makes me wanna just expose him and his family. It's been a year, and he (his family) will not leave me be. Different attacks constantly. Makes me sick.
Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Digitalinvestigate@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
I love that you encourage people to shine. Thank you!
When I was younger it often felt like my mom would compete with me. She couldn't accept if I was in better shape or better in sports than her. She would never admit it but this is spot on👍🏻
Dads to teenage boys, do the same, sometimes. And it can be so bad for their development too. Never admitting to any at all fault, is that too.
Dr Ramani, you nailed it....instead of them getting a brighter bulb, you are required to dim or turn yours off, you just described my life. I've had to "turn it down" for safety in my home when I was growing up because of my Narc mother, she never passed up a chance to "put me in my place". This behaviour of mine spilled over to my work life, I've stood silently while others took credit for my work, too timid to speak up because I knew it wasn't safe.
My narcissistic mother would own anything I accomplished by bragging about me in an embarrassing way. I finally stopped telling her anything. She would also ridicule me in front of others. I remember when someone told me, “you hide your light under a bushel”. I knew it was true. When I turned my light on it was natural and astonishing.
"When I turned my light on it was natural and astonishing."
Yay! Go YOU! 💡💫🌟💞💡💫🌟💞💡💫🌟💞💡💫🌟💞
it feels like the hurt little kid in me is scared to turn that light back on, and if he turns it on, he needs to quickly turn it back off to feel safe again. its hard but im trying. 😢 I won't give up.
👍🏼💫🌞💞
The narcs I met never allowed me to own my successes and wins. Some would pretend to be proud of me in public but then would mock and downplay my achievements. Not only did I stop sharing my good news with them, I left them in the dark and eventually left them out altogether. It was too exhausting to constantly sacrifice my self-esteem to boost theirs.
What a perfect powerful message. You are right, Dr. Ramani, about becoming more introverted.
Yes! He took my shine!
I hid to protect myself and my children.
To "help" him feel better about himself, I made choices to allow him to shine more, and I stepped back. He hated when I was liked, admired or praised, and would find a way to punish me or try to undermine me. He hated that he couldn't usurp my true friends.
I became a gray rock, but over time I got strong, like an uncut diamond. I have changed. I am not the same exact person that I was before.
My life was not what I had planned. Healing has taken years, helped by the love of a good man, loving friends and family. I am now at peace with myself. I shine with a subtle, confident light. I speak my truth, unafraid.
WHAT AWESOME MOTIVATION!!! I will turn on my light! and not just to "be positive" but bc the world need my light!!! Thank you!!!!👍👍👍❤❤❤
Our light blinds the narcissist! 🌟💔 Keep shining! 🌞
YES!! This is what happened with my narcissistic father and me. He always seemed to compete with me in front of relatives and family friends as a teenager and adult. I found it so strange as academically, we are not on the same level. My father left school at 16 and has been in a succession of blue collar careers his whole life. Whereas I have 4 degrees about to do my 5th and I’m in a white collar career. This is why I still don’t understand the competitiveness. Does not make sense to me. I thought I was reading too much into it but thanks to this video, I now realize I had analyzed the situation correctly all along.
My mom, two brothers (one is my own twin!!), and their wives. Now their children, which is sad. I've finally pulled away & they are more livid than ever. I'm happy and free from them. Wish they could do the same.
I got my light turned off by being disregarded. Being told I was attention seeking during a very dark time in my life. I was complimented by my sis's family member after a conversation we had together at a dinner. He said, 'Your sis is a very insightful lady, and I enjoyed our talk'. My sis slandered his character in order to discredit his view of our talk. Very insidious but effective. My sis and I were at a store because she was looking for some pieces for her newly renovated home. While she was looking for and the sales lady and I just struck up a convo about abuse in marriage. She said she had to flee with nothing but her kids and a car full of items. I told her a snapshot of my story and we had a connection. My sis was pissed. She kept interrupting and trying to overpower me with downplaying my situation. As we walked out the store my sis said something disparaging about the sales lady because I connect with her in a meaningful way and she wanted me to be not as bright.
WOW smh
Great video. I have found that another part of the narcissist's attempt to dim your light is the use of flying monkeys to reinforce the effort.
...thats the worst part, cause they do believe it as it "is true", and one cant even talk about it, without being worse targeted.
@@Levandetag I hear you! It's like a Catch-22 and only adds to the frustration and pain. [Hugs]
@@raindrops438 Thank You
I dimmed my light to conserve my batteries. I kept my small flashlight on to formulate my plan and focus.
I lived this, it started so small and so subtly until I didn’t want to be here anymore
Ive been endlessly listening to these podcasts. Reading book, when it seems overwhelming . I go get busy doing something else and get through my feelings that these podcast have either awakened or brought to light. This one is so true, when i left i was lost, what do i like, food, music, clothes, every thought i had was surrounded about what they like where they wanted to go. Through several processes counseling and my faith it has got me so far. Until i heard dr. Ramani validate and say things in a very compassionate way i thought this was it. My life had Just a whole bunch of crap with no where to go. Being heard understood and finally feel that , im not done with what i could , can do to improve myself. Its oddly like she followed me for years. I am not depressed i am a woman that went through something and i finally have found someone that not only understands but is giving me a gift of freedom from things i carried as my fault, could have, should have. Still some of that. As unfortunately my children were pulled into the carnage of a life i couldnt find my way out of by for years for several reasons. She is so right about the shame. About the financial. So i send my love to anyone who chooses to stay as i understand. But i am so greatful i finally had the courage to leave and fend off the hoovering. My story is not unique. The similarities are mindboggling. I am on such a mission for myself . To get me to the best i can be. Not perfection. Just better. Many naysayers in my life. As i am slowly finding my voice, thinking about what i want, where id like to go. I had already started eliminating people out of my life. If they were toxic . I as compassionately as i could end the relationship. I use to apologize all the time. I have found that as i stopped the apologies, ending bad relationships , it has given me a strength i didnt expect. All of these things have and will be a lifelong process. I dont believe its one thing fixes years long situation. Im not afraid of hard work, i slowly with compassion for myself continue. Listening to these podcast and reading her book. Praying to not stop this process . Is giving me a loving kindness to myself .
Thank you
Thank you so much for these videos. I just need to cry now after watching 20+ hours of your videos because now I know it’s NOT me. My spouse is a malignant covert narcissist. I am going to try to leave this weekend. I wish I would have watched your setting boundaries video first, because I tried doing that last weekend and she flew into a rage and hit me (after threatening to divulge my deepest secrets, have sex with strangers, and send me videos of it). I had given up hope on my life until I watched your videos. Ironically, it was she that sent me here, because she’s been calling me a narcissist as soon as the love bombing phase ended, and she had me convinced the whole time that I was the problem. THANK YOU and please please send me strength. I’m absolutely terrified
You can do this💪🏼put yourself first😤
I believe in you. Have safe places to hide from this person. Be prepared for every manipulation tactic, rage, word salad, threats, etc. The world without them is 100,000 times better than what you are in now. Be kind to yourself, you are good and they are evil, you don’t deserve to live with evil. Don’t try to explain yourself to them, just say bye (if needed) and run, block them, get a restraining order if you feel threatened. YOU ARE STRONG AND BRAVE! You deserve kindness. I believe in you. All of us here love you 💙
They always use this reverse psychology on you to make you feel like you're the Bad guy don't fall for it and good luck to you.
Remember, the demon entity in them needs you to be afraid so they can not be.
You got this!! It will be terrifying for a time and you will doubt your choice but keep with it! It will be so so sooooo liberating!!
Then you can really start the emotional healing.
Yes I think I have turned off my lights after all the realization I am going to turn them ON now
I learned that shining my light puts a target on my back. I learned to validate myself internally instead of sharing my successes with others bc I hate dealing with their emotions about my achievements.
(Dr. Ramani (and team), are you familiar with the story of The Little Red Hen? I think it would make a great video topic.)
This Little Light Oh Mine I'm Gonna Let It Shine
That one hit home 😳my gosh , you described my sister to a t … and I turned off my light 💡 or at least dimmed it down that it was almost invisible.
Now, I’m slowly start to turn it on again .
And your comment about „I don’t know how much a introvert I am and what’s more about staying safe“ is also a heavy blow. I’m an introvert, but there’s a lot more going on than that.
Thank you so much for these videos, which are pure gold for everyone who’s dealing with a narcissistic relationship of any kind ♥️
PS: i bought your book 📖 and it’s amazingly helpful . Thanks again 💞♥️🍀
Dr. Ramani, you have been a beacon of light and hope to so many survivors of narcissism to help by way of your own personal experiences you have endured, along with your education. A goal I have set for my own journey is that some day my light will shine bright again. At the time, I couldn't share my story because I couldn't understand it as I was in complete darkness. I vowed that should I ever come across anyone who has been a victim of this abuse, I will be able to recognize it and quietly approach them with empathy, kindness, respect and an ear to listen to their story if they wished to share. We all need light in today's world.
I feel like I should listen to this talk every morning..... Thank you. I realized yesterday that a good intervention for my rumination is to make a commitment to future goals and then act: take one step toward them, one step toward pursuing what I want to offer. The pull of rumination dropped significantly. I am glad you are in front of that camera.
Your videos changed my life, this year I moved! So much better!
The final confirmation my family gave me, was literally the narcissistic rage in the day I was moving, they NEVER expressed any kind of happiness for my accomplishment, always making my dreams small or insignificant and the best part: trying to make me feel guilty till the last minute.
Thaaanks Dr. Ramani, your videos educated me A LOT, pure freedom.
Congratulations! You've accomplished so much. I pray you carry on enjoying your life, and believing you ARE worthy. I am proud of you!
@@AlisonBSL Thanks for the kindness ♡ I'm really happy!
My ex mother in law would tell me to "stop it" and get angry with me if I done well at something my exhusband was also doing. Now I can see they were all so insecure
The world needs what you can offer!
💡Your ideas, your creativity, your knowledge!!
📚 You may know shit we need to know, you not sharing it may actually slow progress down for lots of people!!
There is always a diminished sense of self, and a story of despair and subjugation that children endured through any parental narcissistic abuse. I have a close cousin, more like a sister who was pushed entirely through college with no damned clue as to what she wanted. She was rewarded for doing well (weekly deposits into accounts, paid vacations, a car). There was no changing majors, schools without a degree, or doing poorly. She'd lose her car, and her deposits. She was pushed into a field she hated. It was never right for her. She always confided in me. Even between semesters, she wasn't allowed to work anyplace he considered an embarrassment. He needed to be the shining star of her success, with no regard for her happiness, or what she wanted for herself. She went through college not knowing, and he didn't care whether or not she was happy. They are always on the defense against something undesirable or looking for what they do desire. A return. It's all for them.
I literally had this revelation yesterday and then you post this. My mother and grandmother and aunts are very jealous of me. They were very happy I had set backs. But I’m never down for long. They hate it. I’ve created distance with all of them.
Writing the book has been difficult. It has meant reliving the pain of the past. But it has also been cathartic, forcing me for the first time to come to terms with memories I had been trying to escape.
- Benazir Bhutto 🇵🇰
Sadly I can confirm this. So scary to shine. Self worth IS a tentative crawling back process. ❤ thanks Dr. Ramani!!
I got picked for the local pic of the year for the big stage at the Philadelphia folk fest. My partner, folk mate bandmate was not happy for me, and became surprisingly cold and uninterested. If it had been him, I wouldn't have felt negative at all, I would have been very proud.
I often wonder also what part of my introversion is me and what part is damage from my mother.
I'm good at balancing my tendencies and being social in healthy ways, but there is no better time of any day than when
I can go off alone with my journal and a book and be by myself.
I have a huge social circle and was married for forty three years, but my "safe" place is alone. My husband to be had to give me my own space in his house before i would come and stay with him for even a weekend. When I go to my boarding school reunions, as I have for fifty years, my friends know I will probably miss the group photo, because I wander off to regroup at some point.
I'm 71 now, and have pretty much accepted how I am, extremely introverted, and how I feel most comfortable, with plenty of solitude.
My narcissistic mother died last year and it's the first time in my life I've felt whole.
From the book "The Introvert Advantage" I learned that going off alone for some solid me-time feels sooo good because it's how introverts recharge. And we NEED to recharge because introversion makes us very sensitive to others' needs, and also compels us to give of ourselves to others, (aka empathy). Recharging replenishes us, allowing us to come back ready to give even more to our social groups. So it's perfectly fine to take your me-time, and it's actually very necessary to your emotional/physical health, and your me-time is even beneficial to those you love.💞
I literally tried to dissappear as a child.
Now apart of my mental imagery is that i am a GHOST...
This feels like foghting for my soul!
I can identify with so much of this. I stopped sharing my views and opinions and started avoiding social events. Just tired of getting into arguments with narcissistic people even though I was right, with figures, math, proof and evidence. Truth isn't as important as their ego. Damage as a result of wrong decisions doesn't compare to their ego. They just have to be right, to the point of pathology.
While a dark shadow needs light to exist, light does not need darkness to be luminous.
Darkness is the absence of visible light. It is a state, a concept. it lacks measurable attributes. Light moves, we can measure its speed. That's our advantage. We can mobilize ourselves and do things that reflect the light within us. We know narcissists are motivated by vulnerability, by fear, by insecurity. They perceive someone's light, or their potential to shine as a threat. Why not as an inspiration? We have something beautiful, tangible, to offer the world, and they know that if they stand beside it, they will be the diminished, obscured, or dimmed. And so, they step in front of us, eclipse our beauty. They abuse us as an attack strategy to take us down and not allow others to see us shine. I believe that anyone who recognizes something special in another has the capacity to make changes themselves and go on about life, lovingly. Instead, they practice hateful attacks, waging war so as not to feel so threatened or vulnerable. I find this devastating. For both parties. To humanity as a whole. But, since we only have the ability to change ourselves, let's step out from under, beneath, or behind them and use our measurable attributes and give what we've got to give. They can resolve their lack in another fashion. They strategize. They're capable of change, but if they don't, stepping away and loving ourselves is also giving our love to the rest of the world. They may follow. They may not. That can't continue to be our dilemma. Shine on.
It can be super hard when they are so happy and having a good day yet they make yours hell
Thank you, thank you, thank you Dr. Ramani! I was discarded on Thanksgiving, and it's taken me this long to get my light turned back on and get my life back on course helping people deal with trauma. Every word is so accurate; we must dim ourselves to let them shine, they are true energy vampires!
This has been so true for me 😭😭! I miss being happy and full of life! I miss being me! It seems like I’ve lost myself all together and it hurts so much 😭😭😭! I’ve kept my voice so quiet that I lost my voice.
I stopped talking because no matter what I said it was always wrong!
@TypicalScrapbooker
I have lost my voice 2xs and now try not to speak...
Now when I try I can't
@@deanbardos1950 I’m so sorry. I’m praying that you get it back 🙏🙏! Mine very hoarsed and I have to clear my throat a lot.
@TypicalScrapbooker
thank you. Working through it.
Warm water and lemon help me a lot as a gargle.
Narcissists are totally thrilled when you have set backs. I am thrilled you get in front of that camera and say your knowledge. I’ve always known you are keen and have never heard YOUR intelligence from anyone. Theres a uniqueness about your teachings. Thanks again.
They are not getting off the hook.
Proverbs 17:5
Whoso mocketh the poor reproacheth his Maker: and he that is glad at calamities shall not be unpunished.
Made me cry and pray again for a dear relative of mine.
May her eyes get opened.
Thank you for your work !
God bless.
Thank you doctor Ramani for sharing what you have shared about how weird it is that you can feel just sharing this on camera based on your childhood. That takes courage and you have it.
Back at the beginning of the relationship, I would be excited to see him after he had been on a trip. He would say I was like Fozzie Bear in my animation. I'm understanding now it was to mock and dampen my exuberance. 😢
This reminds me so much of my first marriage where she was very controlling down to how I even smiled. Glad I left that relationship and found someone more accepting of who I was.
This video made me cry. I always thought me not saying something in a group, or when meeting new people at work, I would be very carefull, I would hate myself (and still do) for being so “socially unskilled”. I never saw it as a safety response. I’m more an introverted person, combined with what I described: meeting new friends is hard for me, and I do want that, just don’t know how… my light is out, and I can’t find the switch at this moment.
When I couldn't figure out how to find the light switch, I asked myself to imagine, "how would a healthy person do it?" For me it was easier to grasp how a healed person would behave if the person I imagined wasn't me. Eventually I placed me in the role of the healthy person, asking myself, "how would I do it if I were healed?" The more I did that the stronger I became. Baby steps. And always try to be kind and gentle with yourself. Best Wishes! 💞🌟🌞
@@waywardstitch8604 Thank you!
"it's merely a projection of their insecurity" -- this is so healing. Light bulb moment 💡 Thank you so much Dr Ramani ❤
I also wonder how much of my introversion is really me, and how much of it is a safety response....
I did body work today on a professional dancer she had a boyfriend who was a professional actor. At the age of 10 I was in ballet class in the city. I was asked to go National and professional but my mother’s narcissism pulled me out of the school to end my chances. My client today said her mother drove her 1 hour 30 minutes to the city for her to dance. She is living my dream life one that was ruined by an insane jealous mother but that’s not all I put up with on my Ace test I scored 9/10
Oh I do understand so much. I often think that perhaps my members will find out what a fraud I am!!!!!
I have soooo many qualifications and yet I still think I'm not good enough
This. This happened to me. With my resources sapped after a decade, they moved on, and I had to rebuild my career put on hold for them. It's the hardest thing in the world.
Oh my God I am sorry for that
Absolutely brilliant! Rewind and repeat, it explains the oddity of this group. Don’t forget that safe, healthy people are out there. But it’s key to admit who’s not 100% safe.
*Dalai Lama* _✍️🌿_
_“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive.”_
─ His Holiness *Dalai Lama* _✍️🌿_
Been there in a bad marriage with a narcissist and subsequently in a toxic work environment with narcissistic leaders and coworkers. I thought I was going mad. I could not understand why my achievements and success engendered so much hatred and resentment. In the workplace I was truly dumbfounded and ended up internalizing and thinking that I was the problem and they actively made me feel that I was a bad person, a poor manager and a difficult person. These podcasts have helped me so much to deal with the post traumatic stress that I have battled after leaving the marriage and the toxic workplace. I doubt I will ever fully recover. At least I don't blame myself anymore. At least I understand that they were the problem but unfortunately the damage can't be undone.
The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.
~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross❤
•- Book: On Grief and Grieving -
Troll
Another great video sharing how you apply healthy strategies that don’t come naturally for those of us who had no chance to shine as kids and other relationships
It took me years to work out the jealousy aspect. Mother. Ex husband. Ex romance 2018. Five former friends. It shocked me to the core. No contact with them all. However... in my job as group fitness dance instructor I now come across more jealousy. It's shown in different ways but it's there. It takes me a while to recognize it and give it a name. It just horrible
I spend more and more time alone and absolutely love my own company with my many animals
I don't compete. It's not my scene. I also have discovered that I have nothing to prove
My mother is a narcissist, the competition, continuously putting me down, always wanting all the attention. When I was four, my great aunt came for a visit. My mother was upset that my aunt was giving me attention and not her. I cut her out of my life, and now working on being seen.
"light" simply means you are aware and moving in congruence with your values. It usually means you understand what is going on around you and you aren't doing any lying or deception.
It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks if your right with yourself. I can only share what I know with others at the right time and the right place.
Outshining my narc mother had brutal consequences during my childhood. Verbal and physical.
As an adult, I learned over time to share no details (no matter how small) about my life. Anything could become a flashpoint.
It took decades and a horrific marriage to a narc husband for me to understand what was going on AND to be strong enough to cease contact.
I've had to work very consciously to stop thinking I should be different than I am. Life has been so much better!
Dr. RAMANI,
Thank you for helping me and others trapped in long term narcissistic relationship.
In my case, my daughter took 😊advantage and until I listened to this video.
Most real mothers always want the best for their children.I didn't realize I had turned "my" iight.
God bless you ❤️ 🙏 Keep bringing the truth to us that are trapped in the 😮shadows
yes, so yes, I feel like I needed to hear this daily and especially today to be heard like this. wow. iam rehearing and grabbing my notebook and pen! thank you doc!! love you!!
Oh ain’t this the truth!! So sad it’s taken me until almost 50 to see it 🫥🙏
I have done this for years. It’s very difficult to unlearn, but I’m working on it. 🙂
Thank you for sharing your wisdom Dr Ramani. You saved so many lives.
This is the best PSA I’ve ever heard. I’m going to have to watch it over and over. Thanks so much Dr. Ramani 🙏 ❤
Excellent video! For shedding light on the “undercurrent” of abusive behavior endured over time . . . Even doing everything right - including grey rocking with ongoing contact - the one enduring may one day look at him/her- self in the mirror and have little connection with the face she sees.
Then, in a pinch, when the abuser, in a social situation, needs this individual to show core identity and spirited fight, the one having quietly endured and endured . . . may have little to draw from . . . More debasing of self and from another/others. . . and on and on . . .
Get the knowledge! Become empowered, starting with being able to put a name / names to abusive behavior and its processes . . .
Dr Ramani first off I humbly THANK you and truly Love you like you’re my older sister that I wished I always had! As a fellow Indian woman first generation I feel you to the core as survivor from having both parents (divorced over 25 years) and you KNOW the shame that brings. Both parents are overt and covert narcs. Unfortunately this superpower magnetic ocd Empath also has a malignant narc for a sister and late 40s black sheep! I have inhaled you ITS not You bible 50 times literally (Indian overachievers lol) I’m finally armed with all the education and validation as well as tools thanks to you . Setting these strong and PTSD extra induced solid boundaries sprinkled with radical acceptance has turned back my light to blinding pure love lazer beams. You really are an extraordinary extrovert and you yourself are worthy you are good enough you are seen you are heard and you’re so frickin meant to be the best worldwide saving all who listen and letting us be
Proud of who we are today ❤high five yourself in the mirror don’t isolate
Don’t hide from the world WE LOVE and NEED you all of u🎉
*"When a government is dependent upon bankers for money, they and not the leaders of the government control the situation, since the hand that gives is above the hand that takes. Money has no motherland; financiers are without patriotism and without decency; their sole object is gain." -Napoléon Bonaparte* 😅
We mortals, men and women, devour many a disappointment between breakfast and dinner-time; keep back the tears and look a little pale about the lips, and in answer to inquiries say, “Oh, nothing!” Pride helps; and pride is not a bad thing when it only urges us to hide our hurts- not to hurt others 😅
🐦 a bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song…😅
The ex-friend narc told me I was a toxic positive person. It was something I kept ingrained in me and something I still struggle with now - what they called “toxic positivity”, I’ve come to learn from my own therapist and friends, was just expressing happiness in any outward form. So I learned to shut that down. It’s still taking me a while to not feel guilty when I feel/express joy. I’m hoping getting back to my old friends will help with that.
Thank you as always. ❤
Thank You, this is so True, thank you also, for sharing
I so THANK YOU for this message! 💓
فقط كلمة واحدة التي أستطيع أن أكتبها لك يا أمي الجميلة ❤️
أنا أشكرك - شكراً جزيلاً…!!
Dr. Ramini, then you should sign one of your books and send it to Catherine ( Kate) Princess of Whales, due to the facts are out that she has been given a Cancer diagnoses, for me, in my experience with my Mother with Brain tumors, and cancers on both sides of the family, not only had she turned off her light, so that he could shine, when the opposite is true, don't dim ones light just because of a diagnoses. and yes, I had reduced my own light, it takes courage to shine %100. Shine on!
Thank you Doctor Ramani. This was very helpful to me. I was starting to feel like I was dead inside.
Nope and the revenge has been ongoing since I rejected him 2 years ago. Stay safe everyone
Wow, I did the exact thing today with my Narcissistic coworker.. I'm tired of being called selfish and someone who doesn't allow "the other person" to grow.. I can't leave my job, so I just let her do whatever she wants, even let her suddenly takeover the tasks I'd be doing midway...
Dude, my entire breaker box is fried at this point. The switches don’t work anymore.
You Are Not Alone many of us have zero light after being in a relationship with a narcissist.
This one really resonates with me. After decades together, I *do* lurk in the shadows to keep my vulnerable narcissist type partner from getting sullen and hateful. It doesn't keep him from being a jerk a lot of the time, but sometimes it gives me a break.
Omg❤ love your ability to put into words so eloquently what so many of us are doing even being out of those relationships😅. Thank you, I’ll definitely check myself, maybe even allow my light to shine brighter.❤Thank you for all you do for us🌎 ❤
Amazing video, as always, Dr.Ramani. Thank you for your content.
Have 3 narcissist siblings. 1 Diagnosed, 2 undiagnosed.
Another fantastic video and you sharing your personal vulnerability is so valuable
Thank you so much Dr Ramani, Thanks to every narsisist survival to continue your path of healing. Blessings to everyone.
💫poetry is the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings: it takes its origin from emotion recollected in tranquillity _.✍🏻_
💫words have a magical power. They can bring either the greatest happiness or deepest despair; they can transfer knowledge from teacher to student; words enable the orator to sway his audience and dictate its decisions. Words are capable of arousing the strongest emotions and prompting all men's actions _.✍🏻_
💫poetry is the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings: it takes its origin from emotion recollected in tranquillity _.✍🏻_
❤️happiness is in the quiet, ordinary things. A table, a chair, a book with a paper-knife stuck between the pages. And the petal falling from the rose, and the light flickering as we sit silent _.✍🏻_
I was so confused about my Narcissistic Mother. The red flags were there all along. Turns out the Psychotic B###h kidnapped me from my real Mom. Her and my biological father made my mother believe I was missing. I was raped since I was in diapers and couldn't remember because of the drugs they gave me to forget. My name is Sabrina from Melrose. I thought I was someone else for the last 50 years. I was so confused and your videos helped me so much to know that the abuse I suffered was not in my head. Thank you for sharing your knowledge. Unfortunately for me my mother was much more than a Narcissist, she was a Monster? She literally erased every bad thing she did to me with these drugs.
When I was in kindergarten, I remember being so excited to show my mom that I had won more 'super duper badges' at school. She took a picture of me (I was smiling so proudly) and then I'll never forget, she told me to stop earning them and give other kids a chance. It really made me feel like I was selfish if I excelled in school. This became a pattern with her always downplaying my achievements. I was only supposed to let my siblings (and everyone else) shine.
Dr. Ramani, Thank you! Of all the videos I have watched, this is the first that made me actually cry with recognition and catharsis. I have been out of my relationship with a covert narcissist and divorced for many years. (As you can imagine, the divorce process was long, painful, messy and anything but straightforward) I didn't have an inkling that there was such a thing as a covert narcissist. For many years I struggled to figure out what I did wrong, or should have done better, that caused this person to withdraw, punish me for being kind to others, for having a life. Initially, this person with social anxiety praised my caring nature and cheerful and adventurous spirit. But slowly I began to be punished for those very traits through sabotage of my friendships and accomplishments, belittling, sulking, withdrawal. Even as I learned to dim my light, I continued to be punished for even a little glimmer. 8 years later, I discovered your videos and they have been IMMENSELY instructive and helpful! So many memories have come flooding back, but now I can see them in a wholly new light. It's not that I wasn't enough. It's that I was too much.
🇨🇳 Remember, staying in a home with food, water, electricity and people you love, is a blessing. Don’t let panic prevent your attitude of gratitude.
-Vex King
My stepfather's malignant narcissim demolished my family. He caused a lot of harm in my life despite saving his life in 2016. Not quite sure why the very people I try to save are hoping for my demise. Karma is alive and well, and my belief is ...If you save lives, karma will reciprocate.