Is It Love or Limerence? A Question that Defines Relationships
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- Опубліковано 18 лют 2019
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when I first noticed my first serious case of limerence - I remember thinking in moments of logic - "I think I could feel this way for ANYONE." It's not about this one person. I think I could swap him out for someone else and be just as obsessive over this fantasy. And that was truly the first step to healing! Awareness and a genuine strong want to heal. So glad I did!
This comment was so helpful for me to read today. This makes so much sense and is so helpful to frame it in this way. Thank you!
@@clr2971 so happy to hear !
This makes it harder for me, because I don't think I could swap this person out.
She was very different, and we had great chemistry and compatibility.
I've tried talking to others -- even people who are vaguely similar, and it just isn't the same.
I lived in this phase of attraction toward someone for over 3 years. It was one of my biggest teaching seasons of my life because it brought about so much awareness of my unhealed wounds and helped me see the parts of myself that needed love. To onlookers I probably appeared to be a total fool, but I don’t regret a single second of that experience because it prompted me to change so much about my life and really focus on my own vision for my future. If you become aware, acknowledge it for what it is and be compassionate toward yourself to move past it, it will be the greatest gift you ever give to yourself. It’s not for the faint of heart though. You will repeat this pattern until it’s healed. So be sure to do the work ❤️
❤
It's so good to read your comment, because gives me hope!
Thank you it’s been seven years of hell I’m hoping to move past it soon With the lessons learned
Thank you for sharing that!
they do say limerence lasts about 2-3 years
My therapist said everything I experience sounds like a type of personality disorder, particularly like a form of OCD. But she didn't have a word for me. Past therapists have told me that ppl become my drug, that it's almost like I needed a 12 step process for a person, and I needed to be careful etc. This week is the first time I found the word limerence. It's EXACTLY what happens for me. It's miserable and sometimes I hate myself so much because of how my entire state of being, emotionally and physically, is dependent on a person. The shame! And need. The inability to satiate the craving. The ANXIETY. Shaking. Lack of sleep. Loss of appetite. Nonstop thinking and ruminating. Fantasizing conversations and experiences. All the things. You described it perfectly. And giving me some direction. Thank you!
For me, it's both. My therapist said it's about my lack of connection since childhood, and we say discussed how I'm also always attracted to the ppl who have traits I wish to see in myself.
Wow this is the same for me and today is the first time i have heard the word and meaning of limerence
Would you mind sharing how are you dealing with it now? What helps?
Ginny Tilby you should go to Al Anon. I think Limerence is just a symptom of narcissistic abuse.
I feel like therapists don't really understand limerence very well. I mean, Limerence makes you feel, look, and act crazy. It's hard to sound sane while explaining what is happening to you. I'd bet that everyone who experiences limerence thought it was true love because of it's power. Now that I know what healthy love is it makes a lot more sense. I want to say that limerence is more instinctual than anything else. Limerence does feel like an unmet need to say the least but it definitely feels more primal. Who knew that your sub-conscience has plans of it's own and when it sees something it likes it wreaks havoc on your physiology. Floods your brain with reward and feel good chemicals. Like the Wiki page said, it becomes obsessive. Impairing your judgement, giving extreme anxiety. It can be the greatest feeling of contentment if feelings are reciprocated. Extremely happy when it's going well. Utter devastation when it's not going well. There's just so much to say about it. The reason people use recreational drugs is for those feel good chemicals. Like a forged key to a lock the drugs trick your receptors to let them in and send signals to release those feel good chemicals. Limerence doesn't take a forged key at all. The sub-conscious takes care of all that and it becomes addicting, hence obsession. I believe fight or flight is activated. It's definitely something to be careful with. Like a drug addict, I can see where some people might get carried away. It feels like there is something inside you telling you that this is the person you want to mate with. That's what it felt like to me anyway. Problem is that they see the limerence and it scares them. Which it probably should. And that's just another mechanism telling the other person that you are a danger. Then you feel like a monster. Ashamed at what has happened. And you wonder why? And then you read about limerence and it makes sense. It's nothing new. It's the majestic, yearning roar of a lion. It's the mating dance of a bird. We are complex beings. But we are still beings. There are inner needs that want to be met for evolutionary purposes of being. It's nature. Healthy love is a little different. It's more of a partnership. It always seemed boring to me and wondering if if actually love or not but it's truly the best love. The kind you earn. The kind that both parties love each other because they WANT to because they've fallen in love through trust. They don't NEED to. They always say, "You don't choose who you love", but that's pretty much how it is with a healthy relationship. If boundaries are crossed and trust is broken they can choose to say goodbye. A limerent would probably never be able to leave because they NEED this person. It's understandable. I can see where limerence could be connected to a childhood experience and maybe it is. I'm no expert but I'm curious what my sub-conscience actually saw in the other person. Was there more to it scientifically? Did it know something I didn't? Limerence is very strange. I think I first started noticing the effects when she seemed like she was a good mother. She knew how to make a man feel like a man. Those are very basic needs. I'd say I had an alright childhood. I mean, it wasn't leave it to beaver but i'd say it was pretty average. I'm probably co-dependent though so I think that has a lot to do with it. All in all I think limerence is pretty natural but some people struggle with understanding it and controlling it. It's a crush that turns into an explosion. It's definitely unhealthy though. It's hard to justify without sounding nuts lol. I can't believe more therapists don't know what limerence is.
It's comforting to know that I've never really been in love.
That piece about feeling like there's a scarcity and you won't or can't get that need met again with someone else resonates so much with me.
It's a need to be validated and loved, not unique of itself. But I think people who really suffer from this are very empathetic and sensitive to their environment. You have to be aware if you have this tendency and set up boundaries so it doesn't cross over into this territory.
So true. So loud.
This is so true. I believe I have experienced this at least in my most recent relationship experiences.
Sounds like a smart thing to do. and did you mean inner boundaries or outer boundaries, or both? and How do you do this?
yes!!!!
I was literally in this state for about two weeks. Lost 5 lbs because I lost my appetite but could not sleep so I worked out to try and shut my brain off and tire myself out. IT. WAS.WILD. I was able to basically journal and self talk myself out of it.
I learned this term when I was 25 after I had 'fallen' in love with a basketball player that strung me along for four years. Even though I knew what was going on I stayed on the rollercoaster for four years and it wasn't until I finally got enough courage to say NO to a meet up that I finally started to get some of my power back. The last time we saw each other I was in my own energy and the dynamics had changed so much to where he was asking me to marry him. I declined.
During Limerence, studies have found neurotransmitter situations: serotonin tends to be low and dopamine tends to be high. Dopamine is addictive, so it's an addictive state the brain apparently wants to continue. Serotonin is the "joy and happiness" neurotransmitter. Seems to me, if it's low, and one has idealized a person as their possible "love of a lifetime" (an imaginary person who we are Trained To Believe will help us be happier), the combination of high dopamine and low serotonin could ramp the situation up quite nastily. Hard to know which is the chicken and which is the egg, however. Did the brain chemistry cause the proneness to the thoughts or vice versa? Regardless, it's an opportunity for self-examination. Your explanations of the psychological underpinnings were very clear and made sense - thank you!
This would totally explain why I slipped into limerence when I had had a series of hard knocks including the death of someone I was very close to. Serotonin was definitely quite low, I tend to have higher dopamine and be dopamine seeking, and not that she wasn't great but I think she just came along at a certain time and basically "rescued" me from feeling miserable. Quite a revelation
I found myself loving a complete stranger, and because I was single and uncommitted, I decided to love this person 'unconditionally' sort if as an experiment believing and hoping that something special would transpire. I felt and observed that I had usually run or walked away from love in my past. Wonderful changes have happened for me, particularly in coping with my inner insecurities and petty emotions. The object of my love has been mostly tolerant but remains merely a spectator so far. I take full responsibility for the pain and disappointment entailed and I enjoy the joy of feeling and expressing love without any realistic goal or precondition. Sometimes I'm euphoric, sometimes I'm racked with self-doubt and fear. I think this experience is a necessary initiation for someone who presumes to believe in an ethic of love, but who has not lived it previously.
Do you teach more about limmerence and how to overcome it? I feel this could be a real driver in my lack of success
This channel is probably one of the most helpful things I've ever had the good luck to stumble upon.
Krista Sengelaub Likewise! Wishing you the best of luck in your journey! 🥰❤️
This video finally brought me down from my most recent fit of limerent madness. Nothing else has ever worked. Thank you so much. I felt like I was possessed, and now I'm down from the clouds and thinking clearly again, back on my path of self-improvement.
I learned something very interesting tonight after reflecting on this video, if anyone is interested in reading on. The one thing I kept saying to myself over and over again was, "I have so much of myself I want to share with you!!! I have so much to tell you!" And since I was so focused on what I wanted to say, I didn't really ask the object of my obsession about him. Not only that, I wasn't able to fit it all in one text message. So as soon as I sent it, I was filled with shame and guilt for being so self-focused, and filled with sadness that I wasn't able to give life to my beautifully written thoughts, and no one would hear them. On top of that was the deeper guilt and shame of "if he doesn't respond to me, it will all be my fault," and, "why couldn't I have written something better? Why didn't I ask him about him?" My deep need to be heard might have actually pushed him away, and I didn't know how I would live with myself.
Then I remembered that I did write down some of what I wanted to say, and how much satisfaction that brought me--without him ever seeing it!!!
Wait, I thought--does that mean that I can become completely fulfilled by writing to my very own self? Gasp! 🙉 Epiphany!!!
It turns out that the need this man fulfills for me is the deep umnet need I have for someone to talk to and share my every thought and feeling with, who actually cares to listen--and I proved that I can do that for myself through writing about the things I think no one has time to read, as if I was writing to my best friend, who would never judge me, and who wants to hear everything I have to say. Because that's really what I want! 💓
Thank-you for this.
I found the same issue and solution for myself.
But it did also help me to realise that what I felt wasn't completely false.
I do genuinely miss this woman, and I would like to know she is doing okay.
I hope she is happy and well.
I wish the relationship had worked, but I cannot force it.
I still have my bouts of limerence -- especially when on an emotional low, but I solve this with diet, exercise, productivity and journalling.
I think about her everyday, but less.
It also doesn't feel obsessive in the same way.
I think (or hope) that I feel genuine grief and loss for this person, and not simply obsession for what could have been.
It's been a long-time, and our relationship was brief but full-on.
We learned a lot and shared a lot in a short period.
We may both have FA Attachment and cPTSD.
We both sabotaged the relationship and are in no-contact limbo.
I did try to break no-contact twice early on, but will not push my luck.
I still have glimmers of hope that I'm trying to kill, but it's hard.
I developed limerence for someone who reminds me a lot of who I was when I was younger, before I experienced a lot of trauma & developed a chronic illness, so I think a big part of it is about acceptance of who I am now... this really resonates in terms of him having qualities that I wish I still had, I guess I need to redefine what that means for me as well as find my own strengths now.
Does this resonate with anyone. "Slowly raises hand"
Tonya Stutz :)
Lol
🙋♀️🙋♀️🙋♀️
How do u cope up with this! At least you realized and accepted it, not all people do.
"Does this resonate with anyone?" *slowly raises hand*
19:55 why you are obsessed with your person and how to start working on it
I would not say that limerance is something distinct from love. It is just a very unhealthy form of love. Essentially, it is the exact same phenomenon, just happening in a destructive way.
That makes SO MUCH SENSE!!
define love
Great to hear why we obsess about "The One". Looking inside to understand what needs were being met by the traits exhibited by the other person was a revelation for me. It leaves me with homework to do.
This describes - to some extent - almost every crush I’ve ever had that wasn’t reciprocated (Some significantly more than others !) I think it’s the general way I feel when I crush on someone. Strangely though, not with anyone I’ve ever dated - ALWAYS the limerence was with those who were unavailable or that I deemed “out of my league”...as you say, unrequited love, It happened on a massive level in 2016 with someone I hadn’t seen in 4 years at the time and suddenly felt - following a breakup from a long term relationship with someone else - that this person I’d not seen in YEARS was somehow my soulmate. It’s only recently, after not seeing them since 2013 - that I’ve finally stopped fantasising about seeing them again or being with them one day. ( I have had plenty other crushes during this time, but in my head I put him on a pedestal and saw him as “the one.” )
I once saw a YT clip about tv programmes/films where there are examples of unhealthy examples of love ...one given was Ross Geller and his crush on Rachel Green in the TV series Friends. I remember thinking “why is that unhealthy, he just has a really big crush on her!” But this does make a lot of sense now. It’s great that there’s a concept and a way of describing this. Thank you for this video! ❤️🥰
Ps An example I can think of from a movie is in The Great Gatsby: Gatsby and Daisy
I’ve never heard of limerence before this video. The way you explained it is very logical and makes sense. I currently am struggling feeling strongly towards a woman who has treated me quite poorly. I’m starting to realize limerence may be a pivotal role in the experience I have towards her. Because I logically want out. But can’t escape the feelings, nightmares, and almost like an obsessiveness towards her. But I WANT out. This really helped me. I will take what I’ve learned moving forward to navigate a healthy way out. Thank you.
As a person that is right smack dab in the middle of this, I am super surprised at some of this advice and I think I may take it. Leadership has always been an attractive quality for me because I have never seen myself as a leader. It’s time to learn how to be one.
when I first got together with my now ex bf, I didn't get any of these strong ridiculous feelings but I kept seeing him cos I liked hanging out with him and I was attracted to him. him on the other hand had it really bad. He was so jealous and texting me all day long which was fine, I wasn't annoyed by it. About 6 months in I knew, without a shadow of doubt, I was in love with him.
The ironic thing is he left me for his new limerent object and i'm heartbroken.
😂😂I spent the first 8 minutes or so simultaneously laughing and cringing. Ugh thank you for then explaining why this takes place. Thankfully I did this with only one person and after two years I gave up hope that anything would come from it. It's a great reminder that the traits drawing us might not be a big deal to the person who possesses them.
Last year I met someone who I am now with who has aaall of the characteristics I’d always wanted - but for months I kept thinking that I wasn’t ‘obsessed’ enough with him and actually kept blaming myself for not thinking about him 24/7 like ‘people who like each other should’ (my ego). It’s almost like my mind created the story that to truly ‘like’ someone I should be in limerence haha
Thank you, this video was extremely helpful. My ex was a fearful avoidant type who pulled away and triggered this, not after the first few dates, but after two months of intense dating. I don't think I normally have an anxious attachment style, but with her, I went completely anxious and honestly nuts after she cooled down. This video absolutely highlighted why.
Austin Nyquist right there with you, Bro
Sameeee 😂
Same, especially when she got super busy with work. I realised i was the one only investing and got triggered a lot because i wasnt being checked up on. It was just about her. But alas i think also i wasnt ready at all. I need to work on myself.
I literally learned about this while in the middle of an intense LE by a "word of the day" thing that pops up on my lap top!!!!! it has been immensely eye opening. I'm in the middle of deep depression because the person i am limerent with has 0 reciprocation. In fact, she is pissed with me that I have feelings for her. Unfortunately, she works for me and we are at a top level in a global company. she could probably use it to destroy my career. unfortunately, those steaks could be high for either of us because our CEO doesn't see her so favorably. Sorry I ranted too much. great video. i think i really need help. No one to talk to....
I just went through this. Healing my inner child hoping maybe it wont happen again. It was the most powerful "love" I ever felt, unrequited. I feel so bad for putting him in that position. But I am sooo grateful too because it forced me to work on healing myself
everytime this woman opens her mouth my mind is blown and my life makes a little more sense. reality makes a little more sense, i literaly feel like reality expands in my head. this means limerence is a great sign for unmet needs and things to work on and man i can see the pattern and i can totally see what those things are. and actually working on these things is really helping me with my depression. so fascinating. and the way she explains it is so incredibly clear. wow.
Today I understood all the aspects relating to my obsession with this person
Usually obsession is an indicator of deeply unmet needs of ours
Once we understand and define those needs we don't need others ,we can gift them to ourselves through self love
That will liberate us from the obsession
A thousand thank yous for this video! You it broke down so well I actually feel like I can figure out my issues.
I had depression &Nervous breakdown due to this, lost job etc...It can ruin your life! I did not realise it had a name! Perhaps the 12 steps would be helpful. First time it happened was 35 years ago I went to the G.P trying to explain that something was wrong. He gave vitamin B6. It's sad that I have repeated the pattern and wasted so much time. I hid the depression ,anxiety and repression very well, the shame. These teachings are so helpful and painful with the realisation. Thank you!
Thank you so much for this information! You are absolutely awesome, intelligent and adorable!!
Thais, you are incredible. So much of what you say causes "lightbulb" moments for me. You understand so much of what is wrong with me. I don't know if I'll ever be able to fix it all, but it is comforting to know that there is someone out there who has insight into these problems.
There's nothing wrong with you. You just need to work on some stuff which is completely normal. Be tolerant with yourself!
Thank you SO much Thais for sharing this information - I really really appreciate your clear and helpful insights. Take Care, Beth
I’ve suffered with this since I was 14 and have clung on to 2 people on separate occasions, for 10 years!! I didn’t have an official relationship with any of them, but just couldn’t let go. I’m still dealing with this with one of those people. I get attached and obsessed with people so easily and become anxious. I’m FA leaning anxious.
This video gives me so much encouragement.
Looking into your channel has made me aware of many with about myself and the type of people I attract.
God bless you.
Excellent video! So many lightbulb moments after watching this one for sure! Thanks a ton, Thais:)
Wow! I never even heard of the word limerence until your video...my therapist never mentioned it either. So thank you for the education! I have this limerence towards a woman I met online but not in person because she declined to meet me in person after 3 months of chatting online. As I write this, I had an epiphany...I am giving another person power over me and that is very unhealthy for my Spirit.
I did a video on this same topic. Check it out
I want to share my story , may be it would be helpful to someone. I m mostly secure with fearful side. successful for the most part with one unfulfilled need - my child never experienced a strong bond with the father . So I met this guy who put an idea in my head about big happy family and how wonderful and attentive he would be to my child if we ever got together. I became completely obsessed. So when this DA started pulling away, my anxious side took over to the point of constantly thinking about him, somewhat chasing, losing sleep and appetite. this video gave me an idea how to fix it, but what do you actually do when that need is not within yourself ? This nonsense have gone on for 5 months - 5 months too long .until I talked to my teenager about daddy issues and was assured this was nothing the child wanted. child is happy when I m happy and does not need some random dude who makes mother miserable . Omg it worked as a charm .this need it was all an obsession, just stuff in my head that was never real .i actually feel happy and can’t believe that I fell for that loser and he dared to treat me the way he did. so find what you are missing and fill with another source . Good luck to everyone
Your story inspires me, I feel like I can identify with you as a single mom and now that I'm aware, I can heal it and move on like you did!
I never heard this term before but it really explains my obsession with a couple of men I’ve dated. I always understood they were fulfilling something but I didn’t understand it was my perceived lack of that quality in myself. Lime so many of your videos I watch them numerous times to understand all that you impart. Thank you so much!
I just wanted to say that your videos are very insightful Thais! It's crazy how deeply you delved into this! I've been practically driving myself insane trying to figure out why I get limerent towards some people and get stuck like that for friggin' years! But then I could be in a relationship with someone and hardly even feel half of what the person I'm limerent for makes me feel.
I think your theory about the unmet need is correct. Now that you've mentioned it, I see some traits within the person that I'm currently limerent with and my father. I rarely become limerent towards women, I've only had one woman that I felt that way towards and I was stuck on her for 3 years. The day I watched her walk down the aisle with another dude was the day I wanted to die.(Sorry for getting so dark) Most of the people I become limerent with are men. I don't think they all remind me of my father though some of it is just the unmet need thing. I notice that weird guys that are greatly misunderstood and gothic are what I'm more prone to. Maybe it's because they make me feel that I'm not alone in my weirdness or whatever but I get very very infatuated with a certain type of man and it scares me sometimes.
Anyway, I learned a lot from this and will start incorporating it in my self-help stuff. I hope to one day be completely free of limerence.
Also wanted to say that I took notes and I'm discovering a lot about this and myself! Thank you so much!
What a breakthrough knowing about this term! Felt so lost and confused and harmful to my loved ones because of this feeling. Now I am kinda suspicious of my therapist not telling me about this term as what I have been experiencing. Now I can continueworking on myself by breaking these harmful patterns.
Yeah im feeling the same thing, feel bad for our partner. Hope we could fix this and stay in the relationship
I did a video on this same topic. Check it out
This is so extremely valuable! Thank you, it makes so much sense.
just wow sometimes you are so on point on deeper level its like magic, I think I have this limerence on you now
Finally a word and explanation for this.
I've had limerence for months, it's really weird. Just from spending time with her, hugging her when we said goodbye, I was going through depression and anxiety about this person. I knew she was crushing on another guy (we all work at the same place close to eachother) and she kept telling me her insecurities about him and how she was unsure if she really liked her or not. Regardless, I developed feelings for her. I told about my crush as well since she asked whether I had a crush on anyone. Well, one night we cuddled and made out. When we were cuddling, she was telling me how perhaps I deserved her more than the Dismissive Avoidant guy, and so I fell deeper into trusting that maybe she'll finally leave the toxic, uninterested-seeming guy and wants something with me instead.
Few days later she sent me a msg at 1:30am saying that the night we had probably won't happen again, because she likes the other guy better and man... I couldn't sleep at all. I was hit with heavy feelings for weeks, feeling devastated. I wanted to reach out so bad, like I needed this person and their "love".
Even when I took a break from seeing her for nearly 4 weeks, I still didn't want to get rejected/abandoned by her. She wanted to be friends, but my emotions told me I wanted something more. And so it's been 2 months in the emotional rollercoaster for me.
"Does she actually like me or want something with me? It seems like she's kinda interested"
"Sounds like they might have a breakup (no actually committed relationship on their end) anytime soon, maybe I'll have my shot then"
"Just keep hanging out with her, the cuddling and closeness feels nice. And MAYBE it will lead somewhere"
Well I've just been torturing myself and my emotions with her. Literally I've thought that 80% of the day she, or their situationship, is on my mind in someway. It's funny how you said in this video "85%", that could well be me. And I've been frustrated because I have no peace of mind. "Do I want a relationship, do I not?" "Are they going to breakup or not" "I really like the closeness, but I feel so empty without her, and I know she's basically in love with someone else, so I feel like I'm just a backup or a "maybe" and will probably get dumped any minute the guy wants a relationship (if that'll ever even happen)" And thinking about how I need to save her from this terrible relationship. And ofc being jealous for the other guy, comparing myself to him and feeling insecure etc.
I've also described it as almost like a drug addiction. I keep wanting it, I feel bad without it and need more, but it keeps bringing me stress and pain. Like I'm always on the verge of when are they going to abandon me. It's so draining. Also I feel a bit responsible for their emotional state almost like a co-dependency or need to please others. I know it isn't good, and I told her a few days ago that I'm going hermit-mode for some time.
Basically I just want to get my head straight, cus I can't miss a person like this when they aren't really mine and my love isn't reciprocated. Like I really want to reach out already and I doubt my decision, but this time I'm going to wait to have more clarity. Plus it's really awkward to be friends when you are in a needy state like that. Hopefully I can get out of this limerence and forget my unrealistic dreams about this person. I just want peace!
Ya, ^^^ this is Limerence! Get out man, save yourself!
@@eastcoastrifraf I've been free for over 4 months now! I feel so much better now and at peace. Also, I have a crush on a girl who seems emotionally available haha :)
@@era1442 there’s hope for me too then 😉 Hope all is going well now .
Your story is like reading mine
Awesome eye opener video topics 💕 keep goin dear!
Excellent, you describe this in a way that totally makes sense, thank you, great content. Nice
Thank you for your help with this subject. I will look forward on more help on other topics from your videos.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! This is exactly what I am suffering from. I have deep enmeshment trauma as well so I believe there is a link with that to limerance. I will discuss this with my therapist later.
I dated a DA for 3 years. As a FA, I broke up with him bc I couldn’t communicate my needs and felt he didn’t care about me. He contacted me a year after the breakup to meet and catch up. The entire meeting he was talking about a girl he never courted, just went on one date with. I was heartbroken because I spent the year waiting for him to come back to me a better man as I worked on myself for him too. After that I just gave up on us and moved on. I’m married to an amazing man with a secure attachment. The girl he limerated over got married to another man a couple years ago. He’s just been jumping from rebound to rebound since our breakup. It must be a sad existence. 😕
Omg you are the only person I can understand on here thank you
This helped me a lot. Thank you so much ❤
I was the victim of a partner who had full limerence on me and I went with it and it ended with him pulling away due to his DA tendencies. I hate being the subject of limerence, it’s like they don’t see me for who I am….
No they don't. It isn't fair to you and they're kind of using you to fuel their fantasies. I'm saying this as a person still in limerance with someone.
So.... what if you both have it for each other ?
Gosh ur so amazingly awesome. It’s like ur reading my brain cells. No kidding. Gosh God bless you and ur passion 👌🏾👍🏾
Thank you ..brilliant information...given me a few light bulb moments.
SO informative! Thank you!
wow, very insightful! Thanks!
I really liked your video. Very informative.
Trauma can often lead to limerence. It feels good and helps to cope with the pain. If the trauma is not treated and it's causing pain.
I definitely found value in the this video but I was hoping you’d also talk about love and how to see that it’s THAT and not limerence, especially if you generally have leaned in that direction in the past
I think as humans we put too many labels on things for absolutely no reason. Always putting people’s emotions in some type of bottle or putting outrageous limits on it. Psychology will literally have you believing that absolutely no type of behavior is normal, it’s sickening.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge fan of psychology and a big advocate for mental health but it’s like everything has a negative connotation. It’s draining and sucks the experience out of life.
What happened to just “being”? We are emotional beings, 100% of our lives are experienced through our 5 senses (which each give us some type of feeling) at some point it should be safe to feel stuff and we should be in our right to own what that is for us and how we interpret it for ourselves.
Going around saying “hey I’m obsessed with my crush or my man” is cool for kicks and giggles but wld be very strange if most humans used that word. I know too many people including myself who has been “obsessed” according to this but idk I just find that really out there.
Lust, infatuation, limerance, phase, love, IN love. I mean damnnnnnnn so many words to describe similar feelings no wonder why so many of us are confused and don’t know what actual love is or looks like. No wonder some of us actually SABOTAGE it bc were afraid what this person is giving is everything BUT it.
In the words of a pastor with a great message , “Love is not a feeling, love is what you do inspite of what you feel!” & believe it or not a lot of us have loved more than we’ve liked to believe. Keeping this in mind, I think it’s quite easy to love someone. In love may be a little harder to call out. Sometimes you gotta step back to get a clear view and stop fighting yourself. Just naturally feel and let it be what it is.
Society has us thinking real love is hard to obtain. So many things to decipher. It’s so complicated and has to be a certain way.. but it’s just like , damn. Can we just be? Some people love conditionally. Doesn’t mean they never loved you just means they have deal breakers. Some love like God, unconditionally. It’s still love. Or is it not? Is one real and one is fake? Who are we asking? .. ugh.
This!
This comment was sooo eye-opening to me, wow. Such a refreshing perspective and honestly, I agree. It's so easy to get caught up with labels and overthinking. Maybe let's just be more from the heart rather than try to rationalize every little thing. It's maddening. As long as you're not hurting yourself nor anyone else, then I'd say it's just fine.
I love this comment have you heard of “All about love” by bell hooks ? Amazing Book that breaks down what love really is
For someone after 3 dates to think about a person and frequent locations in hopes to run into them for 5 years after the feelings were not reciprocated is not just being an “emotional being”. It’s total disruption to that person‘s life and functioning. That’s what mental disorders are. Anxiety is normal, anxiety is not normal and becomes a disorder when it affects your functioning in your daily life.
@@tricia1364 & I’m not negating that. To any normal person, what you described quite literally sounds crazy. It’s when us “normal” pple are made to feel like any little thing is “doing too much” it’s really annoying and sucks the life out of the experience. It’s ok to fall for someone. It’s okay to crave someone. It’s ok to be lost in “love” with someone. It’s a stage in love that many pple experience. Let’s stop demonizing normal shit is all i’m saying.
Wow, I was going through limerance all last year, and here I thought this person was my twin flame 😧😰
twin flame itself is a sugarcoat term for limernce
kakarote100 true... When you're going through a phase of limerance, it feels so out of this world, like your mind and thoughts have been hijacked and you can't help yourself. The only thing that I found to help explain it was the explanation for twin flame.
I think many many people experience this too. My self included.
There is no such thing as a twin flame. It is shameful the people out there perpetuating the romanticization of a very painful experience.
Its because of all the false info out there that people put out and so people experience something like this and it aligns with the info provided, twins are top down connections, emotions and sexual feelings take many years to come up between twins, I know people successfully having the connection who are in relationships with their twin, it's a very hard connection mostly about personal growth not romance.
This was so helpful thank you!!!!
This was soooo helpful❤️.
Fifty years old and an extreme victim of it my whole life....first time at thirteen with my favorite singer....then over and over again through the years. Every time I was in love I had it in varying controlling degrees including early on with both my husbands. Thought I out grew it but you never do....if you are wise you can outsmart it maybe....I am trying....it has nearly wrecked my life every time and has caused me endless stress. In my addiction I used to say it was barely worth it but I know as amazing as it feels at its best....it is never actually worth it. I view myself a romantic which has never helped combat this area of OCD. I never knew the name for it until two years ago but I am a beat up veterine at experiencing it for almost forty years now. I am happy to finally see so much on it....I used to think it was just being madly in love and not everyone experiences being head over heals....only some extreme romantics....but those who are not OCD will never feel this. The Scripture would call it a form of 'inordinate affection' which is indeed an idol and a sin like with any other dangerous addiction. I have now read that it is sometimes worse than drug addiction even....I did not realize as I have never used drugs but I can believe it after my own experiences.
This really helped me.
THANK YOU one more time!
I hadn’t had full overwhelming infatuation for 3 years then I had a neighbor that we spent the better part of 4 months together and the amount of anxious filled affection I had for him made me have 3 panic attacks in 2 months
I didn’t concentrate on school
I couldn’t sleep
Eat
Or anything
I am... I am so exhausted
Wow just wow. Thank you.
a perfect illustration of this = crazy ex girlfriend netflix show!
I believe that a state of limerance can be induced by and a reaction to the emotional manipulation of a narcissist: love bombing, hot-cold behavior (gaslighting, breadcrumbing and ghosting), trauma bonding, and cognitive dissonance.
What about limerence during ovulation? Im dealing with this and its extremely hard to deal with. The limerence lasts after ovulation but it fades eventually.
Just seeing this. Hormone imbalance, I think, can definitely impact obsessive thinking. I'm not sure about ovulation in and of itself but my guess is that it is related to estrogen somehow.
I channel that extra hormone spike into training. Always lift heaviest, run fastest, and play my best Halo around ovulation. I do feel stronger desire for my partners at that time but they don't have to be everything.
WOAH. I think I need to be on your client list.. how do we set that up?
Limerence actually lowers serotonin. And limerence can start very early on in a relationship with a narcissist. There are different type of what they call limerent objects. When a narcissist is the LO and love bombs, people prone to limerence will get activated.
I literally had teacher say I'm slow in front of entire class. My mom often commented how much smarter my brother was than me.
I'm not saying I'm having luminance but I love watching Thais videos for self discovery.
U r unbelievably smart, Sweetheart! ❤️
Thank you Thais that was brilliant. A year since I last saw her and will fade soon. Amazing isin't it bitter sweet ouch.
All NC apart from checking pics which is back to zero each time. Man. Only that Must stop that. Otherwise grand *twitch* lol
It's weird because the way I fall in love often matches all the symptoms of "limerence", but I don't know how else to function?
In a way I am not delusional at all, I am very much aware of all this: I am someone who craves very deep conversations, and deep connections. I am probably demi-sexual and I almost never fall in love, so whenever this happens, it makes it all the more powerful. It can be so strong that it becomes obsessive and makes me feel terrible. Yet, I never lacked attention or validation from my parents or at school... I was simply always unable to find a romantic partner.
The one thing I don't identify with (not anymore at least) is that I can totally talk to the person who is the object of my crush right now. I feel extremely comfortable with him. I don't stutter or get nervous or anything. We have great conversations and interactions and I don't think he feels uncomfortable with me, either (otherwise he wouldn't stay, he doesn't have to).
And do I find him pretty much perfect? Yes. Perfect for me, at least. But did I unconsciously ignore his flaws? I truly don't think so... I've actually been trying to find out if he has flaws, and the thing is... I can't find any real flaws. Or if he does have flaws, they don't bother me. In contrast, I did the same thing with another guy I had a crush on and did find flaws that I thought were a problem, so I decided not to act and my crush slowly disappeared.
I honestly don't know how to distinguish "limerence" from "love", even after watching all these videos and reading all these articles. The only thing I can see is that I need to quickly find a way to move forward and see if he likes me back, because if I don't, THEN I'll be stuck in this agonizing state that is described as "limerence".
Never heard of this until yesterday. Wow.
I am just getting over Limerence. I love my girlfriend very much but for some unknown reason I felt I was in love with another girl. I felt like she had the same qualities as me and I was attracted to her like crazy! Crazy to the point I couldn't control myself, I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, was thinking of her 85% of the time! Felt like I was on cloud 9 when I was with her, she made me blush. This girl was married and didn't feel the same about me and in the back of my mind I knew something was wrong, this was all wrong! This wasn't me. I had no control over myself.
These videos have been very helpful and I realize while I connect to her in a certain way it's really a quality in myself that I need to work on and bring out in myself. I was using her to be happy and even thought she was my soul mate. ha! Soul mate?!? , I knew her less than a week! I knew nothing about her. What the heck was going on here? I couldn't figure it out and I had no control. I didn't cheat but was honest to both my girlfriend and her friend about it and in the end I lost them both. Broke my girlfriend's heart and made the other girl hate me. I feel like a fool and now the guilt is the only thing I have left, which I do not know how to deal with. I also don't know how to deal with the left over limerence feeling for this girl except to cut her 100% out of my life like the drug she is. It was a trait I liked about her, so I guess I need to focus on that trait and find it in myself again to share with others who appreciate me (my girlfriend and friends).
I'm an avoidant, not 100% sure if its FA or DA yet early days. I had limerence for years over a former colleague, he had narcistic traits - I don't know if he was a narcissist, but he was socially confident and a very much a show off, thankfully nothing came of it. I was definitely looking for what I was lacking being a shy, socially awkward mess.
differentiate some one having Limerence vs some one having a "crush" on some one
Yeah...
Limerance = Truely Madly Deeply.
Oh my god I can't believe I actually experienced this. I went on three dates with this guy six months ago and now I still think about him and am lowkey desperate to see him again. I thought I just had a little crush but I feel like mine is a mild form of limerence. Thankfully I havent even thought about our future together, but I do think about him a lot, to the point that he actually appeared in my dreams for 5 evenings straight last December.
It's a bit of a funny feeling when I think my limerance or love addiction is problematic and then hear the level that some others experience.
Read Silvia Hartmann on "guiding stars".. It is actually "positive trauma"....
Yikes! This describes how I was with my ex of 5 years. 😂 It was a situationship but I definitely experienced limerance. I'm glad I'm not like this with my current boyfriend.
I'm way too familiar with limerence.
Me too 😭😭😭 I have struggled with it with 2 different people. 6 years the first time and 10 months ongoing currently and I am only 19 😭
Please make more videos about this or a mini course? Although I guess the courses overall will work on this indirectly
UMMM And again, your videos are hitting me hard. I am smart, I've always known I'm smart, but I have ADHD and am apparently autistic so I... stopped thinking, essentially. Needless to say, I'm super attracted to other intelligent people (and then self sabotage with my fearful avoidance, but that's another story) but always worry I'm not smart enough for them, despite knowing logically that's not true.
I think I experience this regularly... even with potential-friendships, not just romantic interests.
What if I'm attracted to a personality first, which causes sexual attraction, thoughts about her and so on? When can you say that your thoughts are becoming obssesive? Is it plausible to say that duration of such feelings is adequate gauge? And if so; how much time is necessary to be certain?
The thing I struggle with, is how do we know/figure out what our unmet needs/repressed traits are? Advice very welcome!
thank you thank you thank
My wife was a walking zombie while she was in limerence with a coworker. She also appeared to be miserable 100% of the time & she has since developed an autoimmune problem & I am 100% certain her health problems are due to her out of control emotions that caused her intense stress & massive amounts of cortisol to flow through her body.
Is it wrong to have a deep, mutual connection with someone? Being in love is distracting. Hard to tell the difference. Is it wrong to fall in love with someone who deeply meets unmet needs we have and who you have a deep emotional connection with? You should have love and acceptance in your relationships. Or in order for it to qualify as "healthy" love does that mean you are emotionally disconnected and could walk away at any time? 🤔
No, I agree with your comment. I think the obsessiveness is where the issue lies. A healthy love relationship has balance. In the beginning we tend to be overboard and then That levels out over time.
I developed this toward a co-worker. It was a nightmare...
Good video explaining what limerance is but, it doesn't give clear insight into what love is and the main differences between love and limerance. The reason we need to know the difference and hence the topic I suppose, is that they are alike and easy to confuse i.e both concepts. Good insight still. 👌
It sounds like limerance is when only one of the couple is feeling the obsession.
@@DoctorHemi That's not the distinction. Love is something all together different, and has nothing to do with obsession to this extent. Limerence takes over your ability to function, becomes the driver of your emotional well being. Limerence causes you to ignore flaws, love means accepting them. Limerence is about how the person makes you feel and how much they reciprocate to give you validation, love is about the other person.
@@Wilkinsonj50 , nicely put!
Love feels peaceful! That's the biggest difference.
Holy shit, minute 17:14 hit right to my core.