My healing journey includes a wonderful therapist who keeps telling me not to blame myself for not knowing then what I know now. This journey also includes realizing this wasn't my fault and coming from a narcissistic father, I married what was familiar to me. In my healing journey, this means learning to change old behaviors that I learned in order to survive severe childhood abuse. This also means listening to Dr. Carter's podcasts and reading the wonderful supporting comments. My healing journey also means trusting myself again, trusting my instincts again, figuring out who my safe people are, taking time for self care and starting to love myself again by letting go of what I can't change and embracing what I can.
While I was standing in the checkout line this afternoon, another shopper tried to break into the line. I told her I was behind the man she was speaking to, so she asked if I was with him, and if not, that she was next. "I am behind him, and the line is behind me. She started getting snarky, so I just said, "I'm not arguing. I'm next." So she and her husband continue shopping, but she wanted to "be next." I don't shut down anymore just to "keep the peace." It felt good to stand up for myself! It's perfectly OKAY to talk back when people are trying to run over you!
What helped/helps me get through is the saying “how a person treats you says more about them than you.” And another one is “when someone shows you who they really are. Believe them the first time.”
I finally figured it what's not normal at middle age: It's not normal family behavior to ditch me out of spite. It's not normal family behavior to exclude on purpose. It's not normal family behavior to be treated as invisible when seldom included. It's not normal family behavior to take things that were given to me. It's not normal family behavior to not support me during important moments in my life. It's not normal family behavior to viciously gossip, mock, and slander behind my back turning external family members against me. It's not normal family behavior to be sent accusing, exasperating, and maligning texts. It's not normal family behavior to give over the top gifts only turn on a dime. It's not normal family behavior to gaslight. For many decades, I thought this confusing family behavior was normal. Thank you Dr. C. for helping me see more clearly what is normal.
Oh I can relate to this, I'm trapped by empathy, I'm afraid to speak out of what I feel when I'm feeling it for fear of hurting their feelings, because I will feel it too, even when it's not mine. But today I had a break through, I saw her coming and put on my shield of knowledge, (quickly scanned this channel through my mind) (lol), As she approached, she asked me if I was going to town, then that she would give, me a ride to anywhere. I said no the the question of where I was going, then No to the suggestion, of if I needed a ride at all. Then smiled thanked her for asking and promptly started walking away. Whatever she feels at that point is on her and only her. Saying yes to anything only keeps the cycle going. I did hear her make a snide statement but was too far to hear the words, did catch the tone of voice though which made me giggle. I didn't fall for it, she has only that to be angry about. It helps me to know that we are not alone in this battle of wits, and that there are folks who share in what I have felt. Your comment helped me feel and know that what I did was ok, the disobey part because I was not raised too be so mean and that I am walking a path that others have walked before me, which gives me hope I am ok today, and will certainly be better latter. Have a great whole rest of your life.
@@happygoluckyh.t.d.4life.739 bless your heart , that's bought tears to me that I have actually helped in some way . Sadly I am an older lady who is learning about life rather late , I have always tried to please and never offend but by doing this I have offended myself . You take care and grow, be disobedient if it suits you !
@@whatsupchannel3047 No matter how hard you try to please, there are some who will never be satisfied. There is always going to be that one, (of many). It is not humanly possible to please all, and some are more interested in how hard they can make you work at it and still tell you it's not good enough. It's ok to step outside of yourself for that moment and become the raving angry person, even when that side of you is so far outside of your normal self in order to get rid of them, what ever it takes. I'm 57, and your comment helped me realize that fact. It's ok to not be the nice guy all of the time, and that it is ok to have a silent melt down when needed, but always to forgive yourself for the hell you put yourself through while trying to please someone who really dose not care for you are your efforts. You just get to that point where just feeling mad isn't good enough, you end up exploding. The rest of our lives a head of us with out them in it is ideal. Today is the first day of the rest of our lives. Luvs n hugs to you, your awesome.
@@happygoluckyh.t.d.4life.739 bless you , I have learnt that I carry other people with me and probably somewhere in the distant past I was only noticed when I worked so hard to please . So sadly that's what I have been doing not to get approval just to be recognised as person . I was the family slave , sad but true . Hugs to you to.
Healing comes with being honest with oneself. Truth may hurt for a while, but lie/lies hurt worse. Remember who you are, remember you have value. I am Christian, so I can relay it this way…. If you doubt your value, worth…. A man(Jesus) died for you because you were Loved that much. Never doubt the masterpiece you are. One of a kind, a rare jewel. Hold this in your heart, mind and soul. God Loves you, and for team healthy, I love you. Be strong dear ones. You are rare, special, and Loved beyond words.🙏🏻
Coming from a long line of narcissists, I realized in my 20-year marriage that I was chasing after something that he could never be - an idea, a wish, someone he wasn't. That realization help me to walk away.
Meaning if my name: Mary: beloved; derivative of Miriam: rebellious Ellen: sunshine Bernadette: brave as a bear I am beloved sunshine; brave enough to become educated about Dysfunctional Family Systems/Narcissism & rebel/No Contact against the system!!
What I'd say healing looks like is you're sleeping better, you're enjoying your days, you're developing healthy habits, you're discarding unhealthy habits, you're not as anxious as you once were around other people and you're thinking about how to improve your life.
Thank you for today’s Q&A. It is calming to me to hear your understanding responses. As you say, ‘You Can’t explain narcissism to a narcissist.’ Neither can my friends nor family understand the experience of living in a one sided relationship. So Team Healthy is my safe place to feel unmuzzled. I don’t need all of my people to ‘get it’. I just need to know that you and your followers do.
I love your post, you are right. In my own family one sibling left a narcissistic marriage so kind of gets it. I believe my X was a vulnerable narcissist and things got scary as he harassed me after I left finally forever. Until you’ve experienced the craziness of I Love you/I hate you, I’m coming after you to make you pay, thing. They just don’t get it! Experiential knowledge of this is profound.
Having a heartfelt connection with an animal/pet shows so much about one's character. Narcissists just don't get it and consider them an unnecessary, worthless burden. How sad.
I realize I’am just as imbalanced as the narc, as I have played into this vicious cycle. I realize, I can only change me, and that is a primary focus and practice. I realize that interacting with any suspected narc is a danger zone. I realize, that in-order to gain maximum clarity and autonomy, it is wise to become a self expert, and surround myself like minded folks, such as in this forum!!! Thank you everyone! 🕊🙏🏻🌿
true, I feel that coming to terms with what part of me makes it all happen was key, eye opening, and not an easy road to walk. I have flaws!. I love that about myself. yes totally agree, this family of ours here is the best thing ever. So happy to be apart of it and to be able to freely share and be open.
I started taking on my narcs traits and not being true to my own values I thought it would make me feel closer to them or be admired if I became harder, but it just made all the good people feel alienated by me whilst the narc played the good guy.
Healing for me (who has psychogenic seizures) means having less episodes. By removing my covert narcissistic mother, I rarely get a seizure at night. I used to get as many as 6 grand mal seizures a night, which put my life in jeopardy. My doctor even decreased my medication. It feels great. Healing also means I can let go of her flying monkeys, which includes her side of the family. My mother has them thinking I’m a horrible person and that set me back. Seizures for a week, so I still have to work on letting them go.😔 I thought my cousin would be on my side. I never met my father and my mother’s side say I need to let it go because it upsets my mother. So I have neither side. Im starting my own tribe🙂.
That's an amazing post! Who says the damage isnt physical? Tribe? I think you're in the right place! And look how big it is!!!!😍👸👩🎨👨🚀👨✈️👨🏭👩💼🕵️♂️👮♂️🤴👳♂️🤰🤱👨👩👧👦👨👩👧👧👨👦👦👩👧👦👩👧🤹♂️🤸♀️🤼♂️🧕🧔👨🎓👨🏫👩🎓👩🏫👩⚖👵🧓👴👨⚕️👨🌾👩⚖👨🏭👨💻👩💻👩💼👩💻👨🎤👩💻👨💻🕵️♀️👮♂️🕵️♂️👮♀️👨🚒👩🚒🤱🧕😿😹😻😼
@@wandah9468 your reply is so kind. Not everyone understands conditions you can’t see (unless I have an episode). I got the “tribe” idea from another person who has to let her mother go as well. I hope your journey is a positive one💙
This video is such a wonderful resource... I have learned so much from listening to you read these comments. I believe I am still very much "walking wounded" but I'm looking forward. Little by little. Lots of reality testing. Building that support network. Keep trying. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep going. Keep being kind to oneself and others. I hope that one day I will look back on this very comment and think: how far I have come! Love and kindness are the antidote. The less I people please, the more I feel able to truly give those things away, just as they are given to me. It feels amazing.
I've suffered meatal health problems with the abuse , had enough in the end went no contact , once you see they will never change , and accept that how they will always be that way , you can begin to heal , dr C make us see there are good people out there .
I always knew I wasn’t the problem. He just kept promising to change. And I believed him until November. Then I told him that he had had 3 years to change but didn’t. Of course he retorted, “But haven’t I changed some?”. I stood my ground & said I can’t deal with someone is not honest, not kind, & uncommunicative. It was the hardest thing I did. My healing started once I understood how damaged he was & how he was trying to ruin me. And it has continued by praying & keeping God first in my life. I keep a no, no list & reread it to remember what I went through. I can’t tell you how many good people have come into my life in the last four months. I am grateful for where I’m at and do not want to go back.
I was thrown out in Oct, after he tried in Sept. I came back in Nov for 'one last try' He wants a divorce, so have called his bluff and 27 yrs... See ya. We have a house we can sell, and I'm in spare room, but it took that long to be able to get out. 5 kids... Finally grown. The timing wasn't right and only in Nov I realised what he was... It wasn't me!!! I need to find that out first so I could leave as its abuse. All the best to u xx
Call me crazy, but I'm kind of glad I met narcs, I learned so much about myself, and have a better understanding of this crazy world I live in, and met totally awesome people here in the channel. This made the healing so much less painful.
I think for me it took finally getting to the point of radical acceptance. Narcissists are who they are. And the only possibility of them ever changing would be if they themselves had some sort of radical epiphany and decided to. I truly cannot fix or change them and it is not my job to try. My job is to become the healthiest version of myself I can become and to allow others the free will to make choices for themselves. Essentially this shift is in becoming an autonomous free agent, not a codependent in trying to own or solve other people’s problems for them.
I love that person's idea of a Peace Room. AND the true statement that we cannot have a relationship, if we can't RELATE. Thank you for these videos, Dr C; you've helped me, along with everyone here, in this community, in my healing from lifelong narcissistic abuse & relationships of all kinds. 🙏🌻
My best healing comes from watching' or hearing about what the narcissist next trick' is. They almost read like a book, they're just waiting for an excuse to jump to action. And yes sooner or later they will and hope they can include their suppliers to make a bigger impact, you can almost see them laughing and rubbing their hands together like gotcha. In reality they are indeed pitiful ppl and that in turn is what keeps me ahead of them and remaining positive and not dropping to their level. They do seem to adapt a theme to run with, as if it just keeps getting worse, "see I told you here's more proof". Of course it's spun out of lies, half truths with twists, but my healing is they become almost predictable, which takes the element of surprise out of it. If they know you're not getting upset like they hoped, that you cld really care less what their suppliers think about you, you're just about good as gold because you have taken just about all their power and control, their fun, 'survival' away from them.
I was told, "We wouldn't have the good relationship that we have, if I hadn't decided to stay." "I don't want to be around you and the kids; I want more time with myself!" "We were so busy before when you were in college, and now that we have more time together, you have all of these opinions and ideas; why can't you just not have any ideas and just do what I say!?" Wow, just wow.
Wow oh wow that's not kind of him to say.....y brother in law use tp say crap like that.I babysat for over ten years and my sister went back to college took care of him.as he died of throat cancer. U just can't tell some.men things... He wasnt all bad but he also wasnt a good.head games he use to call it ....he paid the price for not taking care of hi.self
@@mac-ju5ot Sadly, it's actually my wife. But regardless, I feel the pain that you went through. I truly believe that the anger, unforgiveness, and resentment can and does transpire into physical health issues-as our bodies are vessels of our souls. Rotten soul=rotten body. It really is so sad to see someone waste away physically, spiritually, mentally, or a combination of any of the three. It's a death of expectations, dreams, and relationship. 😢♥️ But I will stand. Stronger 💪. We all can.
Hi there, my name is Kerry from Australia. Your words have been life changing for me. I thank you so very much. I journaled my narcissist relationship from the get go, so when things changed I could mark the difference. You have helped me navigate through reality. Thank you.
Some people want good things for us. Some people want good things for themselves at the expense of us. Boy, does that summarize the folks around me. My particular way of looking at these vampires isI picture them as the Greek Sirens, trying to lure me in with their charms, hoping that in doing so I will crash my boat against the rocks. They enjoy our destruction. They love watching us get sucked in and consumed.
when the phone rings and I don't answer my narcissistic ex I now know it's never going to be good or honest or the least bit helpful for me I needed this ,,, 20 years of abuse
I always feel so sad for people who stayed so long. I had a few narcs but it was around a year or two and the destruction was allready so bad i took years to heal. It is wasted time. I am sorry you endured it for so long and hope you will have a happy life with no more fear and drama. 🥰
@@Alieortwo Thank you... I've been in a marriage for 20 years, I'm 66. I feel so naive. I know life without him will be peaceful. I am going to become more active in my Church and community. Jesus Loves us, peace and love to Team Healthy.
@@trishflorida4250 Dont feel naive! You had a good heart that believed in love. You got out now and your life will become better each day. Little steps and taking good care of yourself.
Hello Dr Carter and all the people from the live session! Unfortunately, I was so busy this morning that I could not participate at the live. But I watched it later and it was great as always. I have also been a victim of a narcissist, but after your videos I have learned to deal with this creepy human being simply ignoring her, setting my boundaries and relating to people who can support me acting friendly showing their support towards me. It has made a huge difference in my life! Thank you!
29:30 i have learned... that i do not have to try to help them [.....], because they are not looking to heal. i have learned... that responsibility for their [....] does not lie with me i have learned... that being around humans that care about me 'IS HEALING' i have learned... that 'letting go' is okay too i have learned... not to react to their baiting i have learned... to forgive, but not to trust too soon 'in the name of *forgiveness'* Most of all. *i HAVE learned* ‼️ not the 'guru on top of the mountain' yet right dr.c
I am wondering if you can address this problem: When meeting a new friend and you do want to let them know you and your life, how can you walk that line of what to say when you have gone no contact with a family member. There is a stigma about this. Dr. Carter, you have such a gift with precise language, I am wondering if you could give some suggestions in an upcoming mid-week video for these types of delicate and important matters. How to handle this information and words to maybe use. Thank you very much.
I live with a narcissist who swings between self righteous and victim. The two biggest insights that helped....A councilor once told me pouting never killed anyone. This was in response to my explaining to her why I don't stand up for myself with my narcissist. The second thing was the realization that I don't agree with 90% of what my narcissist says about most topics. Why would I believe what he says about me. Very freeing. I don't quite grey rock him...another site calls it fire-walling. I've set up a wall around the core of my being (opinions, values, weaknesses) and when the narcissist tries to breach those areas I shut down and walk away. Made it so I can live with him, keep the peace and live a happy separate life.
I wish I could just get them out of my head. My partner says they have been living rent free in my head too long and it's time I started charging them! He says they occupy too much space. He is right of course, but easier said than done.
That man is a keeper!!!! My brother in law is the best husband in the world, he has defended my sis from the cyberbullying from our mum. Cant say enough about him!!
Yes, I heard many times that I was put on this earth to “serve him.” So I went out and bought a silver platter, and when I filed for divorce I would put the divorce papers on the silver platter, and say to him, “You’re right, I was put on this earth to serve you, with divorce!” Well he got another new floosey and filed first. Dang!
38:23 i don't recall hearing that before, that we start our best thinking at 40 the earliest. That has been really true for me. I wish i had known when i was young, i was convinced there wasn't anything except decline between 40 and death lol
I am healing because I put my trust in the Lord. If there are any poor mothers here wanting to get away from a narc husband please listen. I was poor I was 53 years old. I had no family. I had no friends to help. I had no money. I was a stay at home mother for 15 years. Little jobs here and there nothing to speak of. The x narc husbands constant put downs. I but my trust in the Lord. I took a leap of faith. I’m out now some way some how it all worked out. And it can for you too I promise. My son and I are doing better than great now. I’m not out of the woods financially 100% just yet but I see the light!! Please please if you are poor and a mother living in an abusive relationship please please take a leap of faith. There a lot of resources and people to help you!! If I can do it anyone can!! Please take the leap!!
Worse thing i find in my life is ive only had and known abuse my hole life first mother then abuser partner nothing at all good after that and that in itself is killing me
My mother used to say I was mad and abnormal because I kiss and cuddle my dog It's what she should have done to me. I was never allowed pets as a child. When as a little kid I was collecting money in a tin for animal welfare my father refused to put I a single coin. Not even a cent. As an adult, when I had a dog, my sister would say "it's only a dog'' meaning I am not as important as her, because she had children and I don't. When my dog died my sister said I would 'get used to it."
8:00 that's what I'm trying to do, stop perpetuating the mentality that threatened to destroy my connections with the outside world. My mother did it all wrong. I'm out to break an old, old cycle. Do the best I can to do it better, while acknowledging the work it took to get to this point.
Hi Dr. C. I missed your Midweek live today...busy with pressing matters. I came across 25 y/o Valentine cards my husband and I exchanged. They demonstrated to me how much healing I've, thankfully, been through. As I read them I became uncomfortable and struck by the narrcisstic love bombing and trauma bonds. Before healing, I wouldn't have seen it. I identified with almost all of the comments you shared today. You've been an important part of my healing and I thank God for you. I purpose to remain on team healthy!
It's very difficult to step away from the love I feel for the narcissist. Even now, years after I started breaking away from him, I still feel that love, and I choose not to deny it out of respect for my feelings (a bit ironic, though valid). I give myself permission to not act on that love, knowing he won't notice or miss it. That makes a huge positive difference!
Thank you to everyone who shared these - it has helped me see the things that I have learned and been working on since discard from a narcissistic husband who abused me for 10 years. First I recognised and started working on my codependency. This led me to discover damage I had not previously recognised from my own childhood - I learned about CPTSD and have learned a new way to relate to my parents in a healthier way. The biggest thing has probably been really accepting that I need to build self compassion. Thank you Dr Carter - you and one other UA-camr have been key to my recovery over the last 2.5 years. I heard these messages over and over before they sunk in, so please be patient. It’s worth the time and the work x
Its all so confusing. My dad will do things for me and offer to do things for me, but doesn't speak kind of me to anyone. When he gets upset he's said don't let the door hit ya on the way out! The way I heal is by learning to love myself. By doing that, I won't allow anyone else to treat me poorly again.
Dr C, was there a specific moment in time when you decided you wanted to pursue becoming a Psychotherapist? I was so moved by your talk at Wilshire Baptist. I started following you at that time. I'm on Team Healthy! I'm glowing again. I don't doubt at all that you will reach 1 million subscribers! God Bless you Dr C.
Thanks, Lori. In my teens, I was always drawn toward the philosophical discussions, and knew I was not a business major type. Beginning my freshman year of college, it just seemed natural to go toward psychotherapy. My father told he'd back me if I agreed that I'd get my doctorate, and that made sense to me. I had 3 incredible mentors in my late teens through late 20's. So I had plenty of good encouragement and guidance along the way. Thanks for asking.
It's so hard not to care but it's the only way and only chance to get away. Once you realise that they don't care and it's all about control it becomes easier. These people need God.
Complete self respect for myself would be healing for me. You know, not allowing disrespectful people to to determine aspects of my life and how I feel and to be indifferent to them (not talkative,or pleading)
I like this "Team Healthy" scrum. Please make this a regular thing. The pattern is amazing, powerful to hear so many people say basically, that they have been gaslighted into believing they are not decent people. I always thought weak people had to fight to accept their decency, and fight for their autonomy... In the fullness of time, I have come to accept that people willing to fight for their autonomy are the strongest people alive.
So love the comment regarding how a narcissistic parent literally steals your self. That you have to learn to like and be yourself, at this age I never knew how indoctrinated I actually was that I don't have a true aense of self which I'm working on and may be the best thing to come out of the worst time in my life. My parents taught me to be an Oscar winner in how to act think feel and behave around everyone and anyone. Never allowing a sense of self to develop. It's going to be a journeyman exploration ✌😊
I love this because it really proves "knowledge is power." I know I have healed because there is no sense of guilt or shame when the narcissist does their nonsense. I actually feel pity for them that they have embarrassed themselves. When I knew that their behavior toward me was not about me it was almost laughable. They no longer have any power of me in any way. I am able to calmly and even chuckle saying no without feeling intimidated. When they act snarky I don't feel a thing. I do spend as little time with them as possible because I would rather spend my time with kind and loving people. Also, the Bible tells us we are more likely to become like the people we hang out with.
It makes me so happy that somebody understands the problem! Suddenly I saw the patron, understanding makes me better every day! Thank you very much!!!! Sorry for my bad english, I am living in Holland. Greetings, Lynn
Thank you for your channel Dr. C❤ God led me to your channel when I could not understand the chaos that had been pervasively poisoning me for the past 35 years in my marriage. This has led me to turn to you for knowledge, God for wisdom, prayer & journaling for my healing. I feel as though I have been someone other than me & God has been putting me through what I like to refer is His 12-step program. I have begun to making amends to others that I may have hurt or offended in the last years as I became a shell of me. Thank you once again for being there for the broken-hearted. 🙏🏻
Such immeasurably helpful advice this week to help me set my boundaries with the many narcissists in my family. It helps me stop feeling guilty for avoiding them. Thank you Dr. C. from Centreville, Virginia.
Dr. C I really appreciate all that you do on helping me and others struggling with people who are Narcissists and/or bullies, controllers, users, abusers etc. The do enjoy getting pleasure from others pain & especially causing drama where there was nothing bad or wrong going on from the start. They are walking soap operas or horror movies. It never ends though. Just when you think Ok things are calming down now and people are trying to get along. Boom 💥. They start attacks, gossip, demeaning talk, secrets etc. All over again. I like the person who said just agree with them and then go do what is right for you. You know what is right in your heart and your body knows. If something is not feeling right or keeps telling you something is off. Listen. God bless you Dr. C! I am on Team Healthy! I am stumbling through getting stronger and protecting myself and my 2 girls from a Narcissistic father & family. You have such a calming demeanor and know so much through your experiences. 😇🤗
I think it is wonderful, what you are doing Dr Carter. 🙏 knowledge of thyself is a useful key to have, with unlocking the door to freedom. Sometimes, we have to thank these toxic people that enter our Iives because we need that contrast ro really know who we are. Cutting out my late wife’s adult children, when I was her full time carer through her Alzheimers journey, was incredibly liberating & empowering. Journaling is a fantastic way of understanding yourself & what you are feeling. One of my best, ending lines, for the final door slam in the form of a letter to one of my wife’s toxic adult child was; ‘Caregiving, is way beyond your capabilities, your passive aggressiveness &.covert narcissism shines like a beacon’
One of the best takeaways I've learned is setting boundries. I no sooner got out of a very cold, controlling marriage than I met someone who was nice at first, then within a week started showing the same signs of malcontent as my ex. I remember taking note of this at the time but not heeding my own warning bells. (The charming side was so fun!) Now after studying for 3 years I think I will be much more aware if another situation arises and listen to the bells instead of ignoring them. Another top takeaway was that it was not ALL my fault. He had convinced me that he did everything 100% right. However, if that were true, that would make me 100% wrong all the time. And that logic helped me realize he was wrong. Nobody bats a thousand. Finally, I learned the beauty of silence. He was able to get the upper hand from my remorse for the things that I said while mad and hurt. I learned his tactic of "The Silent Treatment" can go both ways. But I use it in a healthy way not to hurt another but to save my breath. And I no longer say the words that cause years of regret. Boom! Thank you for your gentle guidance toward my growth and emotional healing.
Thanks for these thoughts, Cheryl. The silence you describe is not the same as "the silent treatment." It comes down to intent. One is based upon logical self care, the other is based upon a need to punish and control. Dr. C
Narcissists have RULES that you must conform to. Most of these seem to center around what others will perceive and painting a pretty picture of outward appearance. I personally wearied myself by trying to first conform, then to ask why don’t we seek joy within rather than the outward appearance that seemed fake to me? You’ll never get a viable answer to why, with that question. Then I became the cast out. I’m officially out now, and trying to realign with my old self, I was happier there. Saddest thing is they never seem to be happy and seemingly transfer their pain onto you, then blame you for it! It’s fraught with insurmountable expectations and you’re never clear what the achievements should look like. It’s crazy making. I was keeping the problem and after feeling like I was fighting a loosing battle left, that game. Because it is a game (not authentic and very discouraging). Leave, sooner rather than later. I stopped being sorry, for not performing at my peak, 24/7, stopped trying to make the point that inward health is better than outward appearance. After 25 years, I chose to live My Life, my moral. To live, instead of trying to live “up to”, impossible expectations… I often feel I lived half a life for those married years, sadly it wasn’t even my life.
This was absolutely tremendous, Thank you so much for this DR Les, You're absolutely beautiful, I'm glad there's compassionate people like you who have immense understanding, I'm glad you're on my journey with me, Thank you, Peace, love, Respect to you , Gus and everyone, Thank you universe ♘💛💙❤💚💜🌈🌌😃😍🕊🌹🐎🌝🐱🐉👁🦄👽☘🐶
Again, I am at a place I can “let my hair down”. I love these podcasts. I just wish I could have done this 30 years ago. It would have changed my life then. I am so pleased that people can get help now and not wait thirty years to understand it was never you. I’ve had counselors ask me if he was an alcoholic, OCD, whatever. How would I know? I’m not an expert!! The alcoholic part was no but he learned this behavior from the alcoholics in his family. 🙀I will be 70 this year and divorced my narcissist husband. I feel like my life is over.
You transform by the renewing of your mind. Banish those dark thoughts the instant they come to mind by thinking on lovely things or some happy activity. You're only 70 for pete sake, get out from under that blanket
DRC…. Love the mug Dr. C…Missed the live too - but really enjoyed this taped session. Thankyou.. You are Genius but most importantly you’re a Caring & beautiful human being….Go Team Healthy.💛✨🇦🇺Kisses to Gus.
Hi Dr C Love listening to your videos. Your wisdom has been so helpful. My narcissist colleague from my wk place is finally leaving after 5 years of hell. I feel my prayers have been answered. Just wanted to say thank you as your videos helped me to truly understanding and survive. I wanted to let others know to stay strong and their day of peace will come!
My greatest healing came from finally understanding that it is not their fault. They are who life led them to be. The simple understanding that they did not choose to be a narcissist was, for me, the start. Forgiveness for all parties involved becomes easier. I came to this after I ran for my life. Side note: You can not lie to a horse and a horse will not lie to you.
I am fresh from a relationship with a recently diagnosed psychopath (ASPD) and I just received a breast cancer diagnosis. The relationship was intensely traumatic. He bolted when he learned I was sick. That is both good and bad. He was actually full of rage at the notion of me being ill. He seemed warm blooded but he is not. Trauma bond, ridiculous level of triangulation and grooming new (platonic but intimate) supply in full view, off the charts deception, scheming, manipulation, DV emotional abuse cycle, mad projection and intimidation etc etc. I literally have volumes of abuse messages saved on hard drive. He comedically charactertures the actual truth of his disorder publicly ...hiding in plain sight. The arrogance that he feels safe to do this is breath taking. His public persona facebook image is EVERYTHING to him. He has only had relationships with trauma affected women. I am reeling at the multiple levels of betrayal. I realise it was not love but the old childhood abuse trauma is so activated, the cognitive dissonance and shame is kind of beyond managable atm.. I was told my cancer lesions grew in approx the time I was with him...adding insult to injury. I NEED to decrease cortisol and HEAL emotionally as quickly and expediently as possible to fight this wretched disease!! I don't know...Just reaching out I guess.
@@SurvivingNarcissism thankyou. At times I feel I will beat all of this. Sometimes, lately.. I fall. Mostly I just keep going. I am 55 in any case. no more time to waste. :) thanks again Dr.
I'm so thankful I can go back and watch the tape. After the 2nd and third times , each time I got more out of it. Its like my mind went to the place of experience after each healing statement you read DR. Carter, and so I wasn't focused enough on the next one. But, I benefited from everything you said. Know when to let it rest. Its my big problem. And ,, to team healthy in the live chat this am. I hope you all can watch this again. I also benefit from the chat. Thanks everyone.
@@SurvivingNarcissism yes I did. It felt great. And I'm trying. thank you. I didn't mention everything i received from your work or respond to everyone but I did feel it all.
These are all so good! I think for me the biggest piece of healing was truly being able to disconnect from his energetic pull. Even after I left and was “free” but co-parenting I limited his contact with me and still felt like I was stuck, much like a dog with an invisible fence. I tried many things to break that bond and EMDR was the one thing that truly helped me break free and begin to feel I could live life on my own terms without his programming seeping back in. Lots of self-care, mindfulness, meditation and prayer, walks in nature, eating and sleeping well and finding high quality supportive people. That last part has taken many years but has been essential as the decade + of isolation is familiar and has a way of becoming a default when things get tough with my kids or life’s challenges become too much. Thank you for your wisdom and all that you’re doing to help us heal!! 💛🙏🏼
Thanks, Steph. To your point, I like this format. I especially like what you say here about your own self care. Very pleased to be on the journey with you! Dr. C
Not sure if it was Laura or Michelle Nieves but someone suggested in a video about disassociation that a couple of times a day you consciously notice what you see, hear, feel, taste, and smell the things around you and tell yourself that you are safe. I put alarms on my phone to remind me at 9 am and 9 pm. At first I avoided noticing things that my ex would berate me for despite them being the result of my sleep disorder. But then I decided to specifically notice them and repeat “and I am safe” as a way of realizing that I am no longer being abused for what I can’t help. Every time I notice these things and say that something I never expected happens - I physically feel a weight lifting and I FEEL safe!
Hi...today I missed the livesession having to attend some business with quite a narcisstic person. I still feel bad inside cause of his words. That's what they do to you. I don't socialize anymore with narcisstic people, but sometimes we speake a little. I want to thank you people on #team healthy, for writing such positive things about the subject, it does make me smile. Thirty minutes with a narcissist and you have 24hrs to try and become good again.
Thank you for doing this presentation, Dr.C. This was one of my favorites. I watched it twice. Great comments from people. Silence is indeed golden. :)
I learned looking back and saw how shallow, superficial and insincere it all was...... from his side...... it is easier to not want to revisit the past. I learned that he was always blaming my emotions on all of our issues.........but, living without empathy is not living....... I take pride in my emotions, good or bad.
My healing journey includes a wonderful therapist who keeps telling me not to blame myself for not knowing then what I know now. This journey also includes realizing this wasn't my fault and coming from a narcissistic father, I married what was familiar to me. In my healing journey, this means learning to change old behaviors that I learned in order to survive severe childhood abuse. This also means listening to Dr. Carter's podcasts and reading the wonderful supporting comments. My healing journey also means trusting myself again, trusting my instincts again, figuring out who my safe people are, taking time for self care and starting to love myself again by letting go of what I can't change and embracing what I can.
“Silence is the best opinion I ever had ” - great quote!
I'll need to do another of these sessions where it is all about the viewers healing comments. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism I did listen twice to the video, and found it very inspiring. 💙
Silence is golden for me.
While I was standing in the checkout line this afternoon, another shopper tried to break into the line. I told her I was behind the man she was speaking to, so she asked if I was with him, and if not, that she was next. "I am behind him, and the line is behind me. She started getting snarky, so I just said, "I'm not arguing. I'm next." So she and her husband continue shopping, but she wanted to "be next." I don't shut down anymore just to "keep the peace." It felt good to stand up for myself! It's perfectly OKAY to talk back when people are trying to run over you!
What helped/helps me get through is the saying “how a person treats you says more about them than you.” And another one is “when someone shows you who they really are. Believe them the first time.”
I finally figured it what's not normal at middle age:
It's not normal family behavior to ditch me out of spite.
It's not normal family behavior to exclude on purpose.
It's not normal family behavior to be treated as invisible when seldom included.
It's not normal family behavior to take things that were given to me.
It's not normal family behavior to not support me during important moments in my life.
It's not normal family behavior to viciously gossip, mock, and slander behind my back turning external family members against me.
It's not normal family behavior to be sent accusing, exasperating, and maligning texts.
It's not normal family behavior to give over the top gifts only turn on a dime.
It's not normal family behavior to gaslight.
For many decades, I thought this confusing family behavior was normal.
Thank you Dr. C. for helping me see more clearly what is normal.
I realise that my own obedience is my worst enemy, being able to disobey, say no , is OK, taken me years to realise this .
Oh I can relate to this, I'm trapped by empathy, I'm afraid to speak out of what I feel when I'm feeling it for fear of hurting their feelings, because I will feel it too, even when it's not mine.
But today I had a break through, I saw her coming and put on my shield of knowledge, (quickly scanned this channel through my mind) (lol), As she approached, she asked me if I was going to town, then that she would give, me a ride to anywhere. I said no the the question of where I was going, then No to the suggestion, of if I needed a ride at all. Then smiled thanked her for asking and promptly started walking away.
Whatever she feels at that point is on her and only her. Saying yes to anything only keeps the cycle going. I did hear her make a snide statement but was too far to hear the words, did catch the tone of voice though which made me giggle. I didn't fall for it, she has only that to be angry about.
It helps me to know that we are not alone in this battle of wits, and that there are folks who share in what I have felt. Your comment helped me feel and know that what I did was ok, the disobey part because I was not raised too be so mean and that I am walking a path that others have walked before me, which gives me hope I am ok today, and will certainly be better latter. Have a great whole rest of your life.
@@happygoluckyh.t.d.4life.739 bless your heart , that's bought tears to me that I have actually helped in some way . Sadly I am an older lady who is learning about life rather late , I have always tried to please and never offend but by doing this I have offended myself . You take care and grow, be disobedient if it suits you !
@@whatsupchannel3047 No matter how hard you try to please, there are some who will never be satisfied. There is always going to be that one, (of many). It is not humanly possible to please all, and some are more interested in how hard they can make you work at it and still tell you it's not good enough. It's ok to step outside of yourself for that moment and become the raving angry person, even when that side of you is so far outside of your normal self in order to get rid of them, what ever it takes.
I'm 57, and your comment helped me realize that fact. It's ok to not be the nice guy all of the time, and that it is ok to have a silent melt down when needed, but always to forgive yourself for the hell you put yourself through while trying to please someone who really dose not care for you are your efforts. You just get to that point where just feeling mad isn't good enough, you end up exploding. The rest of our lives a head of us with out them in it is ideal. Today is the first day of the rest of our lives. Luvs n hugs to you, your awesome.
@@happygoluckyh.t.d.4life.739 bless you , I have learnt that I carry other people with me and probably somewhere in the distant past I was only noticed when I worked so hard to please . So sadly that's what I have been doing not to get approval just to be recognised as person . I was the family slave , sad but true . Hugs to you to.
A good therapist and their guidance. Belief in God and His Grace. Believe your intuition and don’t doubt yourself.
Healing comes with being honest with oneself. Truth may hurt for a while, but lie/lies hurt worse. Remember who you are, remember you have value. I am Christian, so I can relay it this way…. If you doubt your value, worth…. A man(Jesus) died for you because you were Loved that much. Never doubt the masterpiece you are. One of a kind, a rare jewel. Hold this in your heart, mind and soul. God Loves you, and for team healthy, I love you. Be strong dear ones. You are rare, special, and Loved beyond words.🙏🏻
Thank you for what you are doing for us dr Carter. You are saving people’s lives!
I'm so pleased you are on Team Healthy, Iza!
@@SurvivingNarcissism you have no idea how much you have helped me! And how grateful I am to be on TeamHealthy. God bless you dr Carter.
Coming from a long line of narcissists, I realized in my 20-year marriage that I was chasing after something that he could never be - an idea, a wish, someone he wasn't. That realization help me to walk away.
Love what the woman says about going back to the woman person she was meant to be. Thank you thank you for being a part of this community.
Meaning if my name:
Mary: beloved; derivative of Miriam: rebellious
Ellen: sunshine
Bernadette: brave as a bear
I am beloved sunshine; brave enough to become educated about Dysfunctional Family Systems/Narcissism & rebel/No Contact against the system!!
When I hear what could be my thoughts, through someone else I feel incredible validation. To know what I feel, is the truth, is empowering.
Yes! thats what IS what is at work with this great list today! Thx 💗👍
What I'd say healing looks like is you're sleeping better, you're enjoying your days, you're developing healthy habits, you're discarding unhealthy habits, you're not as anxious as you once were around other people and you're thinking about how to improve your life.
Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.
Thank you for today’s Q&A. It is calming to me to hear your understanding responses. As you say, ‘You Can’t explain narcissism to a narcissist.’ Neither can my friends nor family understand the experience of living in a one sided relationship. So Team Healthy is my safe place to feel unmuzzled. I don’t need all of my people to ‘get it’. I just need to know that you and your followers do.
Thanks so much, Wendy.
Yes, say that! 👏🏼 ...I understand, and that's why I'm here. I thank God for this community because it's not one-sided. 🙏🏻
I love your post, you are right. In my own family one sibling left a narcissistic marriage so kind of gets it. I believe my X was a vulnerable narcissist and things got scary as he harassed me after I left finally forever. Until you’ve experienced the craziness of I Love you/I hate you, I’m coming after you to make you pay, thing. They just don’t get it! Experiential knowledge of this is profound.
Transforming darkness 101: Turn on our internal Lights and darkness flees. Thank you.
Having a heartfelt connection with an animal/pet shows so much about one's character. Narcissists just don't get it and consider them an unnecessary, worthless burden. How sad.
I realize I’am just as imbalanced as the narc, as I have played into this vicious cycle. I realize, I can only change me, and that is a primary focus and practice. I realize that interacting with any suspected narc is a danger zone. I realize, that in-order to gain maximum clarity and autonomy, it is wise to become a self expert, and surround myself like minded folks, such as in this forum!!!
Thank you everyone! 🕊🙏🏻🌿
true, I feel that coming to terms with what part of me makes it all happen was key, eye opening, and not an easy road to walk. I have flaws!. I love that about myself. yes totally agree, this family of ours here is the best thing ever. So happy to be apart of it and to be able to freely share and be open.
I started taking on my narcs traits and not being true to my own values I thought it would make me feel closer to them or be admired if I became harder, but it just made all the good people feel alienated by me whilst the narc played the good guy.
You've grown so much.
@@Skaterbun yep. Don't mirror the narcs. Playing tit-for-tat, engaging with their mind games, none of it.
Healing for me (who has psychogenic seizures) means having less episodes. By removing my covert narcissistic mother, I rarely get a seizure at night. I used to get as many as 6 grand mal seizures a night, which put my life in jeopardy.
My doctor even decreased my medication. It feels great. Healing also means I can let go of her flying monkeys, which includes her side of the family. My mother has them thinking I’m a horrible person and that set me back. Seizures for a week, so I still have to work on letting them go.😔 I thought my cousin would be on my side. I never met my father and my mother’s side say I need to let it go because it upsets my mother. So I have neither side. Im starting my own tribe🙂.
That's an amazing post! Who says the damage isnt physical? Tribe? I think you're in the right place! And look how big it is!!!!😍👸👩🎨👨🚀👨✈️👨🏭👩💼🕵️♂️👮♂️🤴👳♂️🤰🤱👨👩👧👦👨👩👧👧👨👦👦👩👧👦👩👧🤹♂️🤸♀️🤼♂️🧕🧔👨🎓👨🏫👩🎓👩🏫👩⚖👵🧓👴👨⚕️👨🌾👩⚖👨🏭👨💻👩💻👩💼👩💻👨🎤👩💻👨💻🕵️♀️👮♂️🕵️♂️👮♀️👨🚒👩🚒🤱🧕😿😹😻😼
@@wandah9468 your reply is so kind. Not everyone understands conditions you can’t see (unless I have an episode). I got the “tribe” idea from another person who has to let her mother go as well.
I hope your journey is a positive one💙
Breaking the Trama momma bond
..road to healing..
Your now on Team Healthy with your empathetic, caring ❤ family!
This video is such a wonderful resource... I have learned so much from listening to you read these comments. I believe I am still very much "walking wounded" but I'm looking forward. Little by little. Lots of reality testing. Building that support network. Keep trying. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep going. Keep being kind to oneself and others. I hope that one day I will look back on this very comment and think: how far I have come!
Love and kindness are the antidote. The less I people please, the more I feel able to truly give those things away, just as they are given to me. It feels amazing.
I've suffered meatal health problems with the abuse , had enough in the end went no contact , once you see they will never change , and accept that how they will always be that way , you can begin to heal , dr C make us see there are good people out there .
I always knew I wasn’t the problem. He just kept promising to change. And I believed him until November. Then I told him that he had had 3 years to change but didn’t. Of course he retorted, “But haven’t I changed some?”. I stood my ground & said I can’t deal with someone is not honest, not kind, & uncommunicative. It was the hardest thing I did.
My healing started once I understood how damaged he was & how he was trying to ruin me. And it has continued by praying & keeping God first in my life. I keep a no, no list & reread it to remember what I went through. I can’t tell you how many good people have come into my life in the last four months. I am grateful for where I’m at and do not want to go back.
I was thrown out in Oct, after he tried in Sept.
I came back in Nov for 'one last try'
He wants a divorce, so have called his bluff and 27 yrs... See ya.
We have a house we can sell, and I'm in spare room, but it took that long to be able to get out.
5 kids... Finally grown.
The timing wasn't right and only in Nov I realised what he was...
It wasn't me!!! I need to find that out first so I could leave as its abuse.
All the best to u xx
Call me crazy, but I'm kind of glad I met narcs, I learned so much about myself, and have a better understanding of this crazy world I live in, and met totally awesome people here in the channel. This made the healing so much less painful.
I just thought of this while you are speaking - our happiness is poison to them.
Song 🎵 Don't worry be happy!!!
Someone should turn that into a song!
Thank you for caring. Our lovely old retired guide dog passed away a few days ago. It's a bit raw so please give Gus a hug from me xx
I think for me it took finally getting to the point of radical acceptance. Narcissists are who they are. And the only possibility of them ever changing would be if they themselves had some sort of radical epiphany and decided to. I truly cannot fix or change them and it is not my job to try. My job is to become the healthiest version of myself I can become and to allow others the free will to make choices for themselves. Essentially this shift is in becoming an autonomous free agent, not a codependent in trying to own or solve other people’s problems for them.
I love that person's idea of a Peace Room. AND the true statement that we cannot have a relationship, if we can't RELATE. Thank you for these videos, Dr C; you've helped me, along with everyone here, in this community, in my healing from lifelong narcissistic abuse & relationships of all kinds. 🙏🌻
Your singing is adorable. Your wife is a good teacher. 😊
The second sentence is very accurate.
My best healing comes from watching' or hearing about what the narcissist next trick' is.
They almost read like a book, they're just waiting for an excuse to jump to action. And yes sooner or later they will and hope they can include their suppliers to make a bigger impact, you can almost see them laughing and rubbing their hands together like gotcha.
In reality they are indeed pitiful ppl and that in turn is what keeps me ahead of them and remaining positive and not dropping to their level.
They do seem to adapt a theme to run with, as if it just keeps getting worse, "see I told you here's more proof". Of course it's spun out of lies, half truths with twists, but my healing is they become almost predictable, which takes the element of surprise out of it.
If they know you're not getting upset like they hoped, that you cld really care less what their suppliers think about you, you're just about good as gold because you have taken just about all their power and control, their fun, 'survival' away from them.
I was told, "We wouldn't have the good relationship that we have, if I hadn't decided to stay." "I don't want to be around you and the kids; I want more time with myself!"
"We were so busy before when you were in college, and now that we have more time together, you have all of these opinions and ideas; why can't you just not have any ideas and just do what I say!?"
Wow, just wow.
Wow oh wow that's not kind of him to say.....y brother in law use tp say crap like that.I babysat for over ten years and my sister went back to college took care of him.as he died of throat cancer. U just can't tell some.men things... He wasnt all bad but he also wasnt a good.head games he use to call it ....he paid the price for not taking care of hi.self
@@mac-ju5ot Sadly, it's actually my wife. But regardless, I feel the pain that you went through. I truly believe that the anger, unforgiveness, and resentment can and does transpire into physical health issues-as our bodies are vessels of our souls. Rotten soul=rotten body.
It really is so sad to see someone waste away physically, spiritually, mentally, or a combination of any of the three. It's a death of expectations, dreams, and relationship. 😢♥️
But I will stand. Stronger 💪.
We all can.
Sending much Love to everyone here
Hi there, my name is Kerry from Australia. Your words have been life changing for me. I thank you so very much. I journaled my narcissist relationship from the get go, so when things changed I could mark the difference. You have helped me navigate through reality. Thank you.
You are quite welcome, Kerry. I'm pleased to be with you there in Australia!
Thanks Dr.C, again. Lots of things have been helpful but one that stands out at the moment is being part of such a positive group. 'Team Healthy' ❣😊🙏
So very pleased, Amanda! Dr. C
Some people want good things for us. Some people want good things for themselves at the expense of us. Boy, does that summarize the folks around me. My particular way of looking at these vampires isI picture them as the Greek Sirens, trying to lure me in with their charms, hoping that in doing so I will crash my boat against the rocks. They enjoy our destruction. They love watching us get sucked in and consumed.
when the phone rings and I don't answer my narcissistic ex
I now know it's never going to be good or honest or the least bit helpful for me
I needed this ,,, 20 years of abuse
I always feel so sad for people who stayed so long. I had a few narcs but it was around a year or two and the destruction was allready so bad i took years to heal. It is wasted time. I am sorry you endured it for so long and hope you will have a happy life with no more fear and drama. 🥰
@@Alieortwo Thank you... I've been in a marriage for 20 years, I'm 66. I feel so naive.
I know life without him will be peaceful. I am going to become more active in my Church and community. Jesus Loves us, peace and love to Team Healthy.
@@trishflorida4250 Dont feel naive! You had a good heart that believed in love. You got out now and your life will become better each day. Little steps and taking good care of yourself.
Thankyou for explaing things simply and for caring so much. I am very grateful to you. Thankyou.
You are so welcome
Hello Dr Carter and all the people from the live session! Unfortunately, I was so busy this morning that I could not participate at the live. But I watched it later and it was great as always. I have also been a victim of a narcissist, but after your videos I have learned to deal with this creepy human being simply ignoring her, setting my boundaries and relating to people who can support me acting friendly showing their support towards me. It has made a huge difference in my life! Thank you!
Thanks for jumping in...that's why we keep the tape of it!
29:30
i have learned... that i do not have to try to help them [.....], because they are not looking to heal.
i have learned... that responsibility for their [....] does not lie with me
i have learned... that being around humans that care about me 'IS HEALING'
i have learned... that 'letting go' is okay too
i have learned... not to react to their baiting
i have learned... to forgive, but not to trust too soon 'in the name of *forgiveness'*
Most of all. *i HAVE learned* ‼️
not the 'guru on top of the mountain' yet
right dr.c
I am wondering if you can address this problem: When meeting a new friend and you do want to let them know you and your life, how can you walk that line of what to say when you have gone no contact with a family member. There is a stigma about this. Dr. Carter, you have such a gift with precise language, I am wondering if you could give some suggestions in an upcoming mid-week video for these types of delicate and important matters. How to handle this information and words to maybe use. Thank you very much.
Excellent question. It's on my list!
I live with a narcissist who swings between self righteous and victim. The two biggest insights that helped....A councilor once told me pouting never killed anyone. This was in response to my explaining to her why I don't stand up for myself with my narcissist. The second thing was the realization that I don't agree with 90% of what my narcissist says about most topics. Why would I believe what he says about me. Very freeing. I don't quite grey rock him...another site calls it fire-walling. I've set up a wall around the core of my being (opinions, values, weaknesses) and when the narcissist tries to breach those areas I shut down and walk away. Made it so I can live with him, keep the peace and live a happy separate life.
I wish I could just get them out of my head. My partner says they have been living rent free in my head too long and it's time I started charging them! He says they occupy too much space.
He is right of course, but easier said than done.
That man is a keeper!!!! My brother in law is the best husband in the world, he has defended my sis from the cyberbullying from our mum. Cant say enough about him!!
Yes, I heard many times that I was put on this earth to “serve him.” So I went out and bought a silver platter, and when I filed for divorce I would put the divorce papers on the silver platter, and say to him, “You’re right, I was put on this earth to serve you, with divorce!” Well he got another new floosey and filed first. Dang!
Loving and trusting myself again, great session! Very grateful to be on TEAM HEALTHY!!
#TeamHealthy
38:23 i don't recall hearing that before, that we start our best thinking at 40 the earliest. That has been really true for me. I wish i had known when i was young, i was convinced there wasn't anything except decline between 40 and death lol
I am healing because I put my trust in the Lord. If there are any poor mothers here wanting to get away from a narc husband please listen. I was poor I was 53 years old. I had no family. I had no friends to help. I had no money. I was a stay at home mother for 15 years. Little jobs here and there nothing to speak of. The x narc husbands constant put downs. I but my trust in the Lord. I took a leap of faith. I’m out now some way some how it all worked out. And it can for you too I promise. My son and I are doing better than great now. I’m not out of the woods financially 100% just yet but I see the light!! Please please if you are poor and a mother living in an abusive relationship please please take a leap of faith. There a lot of resources and people to help you!! If I can do it anyone can!! Please take the leap!!
Hi Doc,C, I would love another message on Healing. Thank you for al you do. Love you Team Healthy Fam!
Worse thing i find in my life is ive only had and known abuse my hole life first mother then abuser partner nothing at all good after that and that in itself is killing me
It's hard to laugh though the pain of a serve siatica attack, but I'm managing to find happiness and laughter again.
We care very much for you too, Dr. Carter. 🤗
I appreciate that, quite a lot!
My mother used to say I was mad and abnormal because I kiss and cuddle my dog It's what she should have done to me.
I was never allowed pets as a child. When as a little kid I was collecting money in a tin for animal welfare my father refused to put I a single coin. Not even a cent.
As an adult, when I had a dog, my sister would say "it's only a dog'' meaning I am not as important as her, because she had children and I don't.
When my dog died my sister said I would 'get used to it."
8:00 that's what I'm trying to do, stop perpetuating the mentality that threatened to destroy my connections with the outside world. My mother did it all wrong. I'm out to break an old, old cycle. Do the best I can to do it better, while acknowledging the work it took to get to this point.
Hi Dr. C. I missed your Midweek live today...busy with pressing matters. I came across 25 y/o Valentine cards my husband and I exchanged. They demonstrated to me how much healing I've, thankfully, been through.
As I read them I became uncomfortable and struck by the narrcisstic love bombing and trauma bonds. Before healing, I wouldn't have seen it. I identified with almost all of the comments you shared today. You've been an important part of my healing and I thank God for you. I purpose to remain on team healthy!
They're either on Planet Smog or Planet Smug !
It's very difficult to step away from the love I feel for the narcissist. Even now, years after I started breaking away from him, I still feel that love, and I choose not to deny it out of respect for my feelings (a bit ironic, though valid). I give myself permission to not act on that love, knowing he won't notice or miss it. That makes a huge positive difference!
Thank you to everyone who shared these - it has helped me see the things that I have learned and been working on since discard from a narcissistic husband who abused me for 10 years.
First I recognised and started working on my codependency. This led me to discover damage I had not previously recognised from my own childhood - I learned about CPTSD and have learned a new way to relate to my parents in a healthier way. The biggest thing has probably been really accepting that I need to build self compassion.
Thank you Dr Carter - you and one other UA-camr have been key to my recovery over the last 2.5 years.
I heard these messages over and over before they sunk in, so please be patient. It’s worth the time and the work x
We say don't reason with an unreasonable person. Don't wallow in the mud with pig.
Thank you Dr.C for all you do for us
Its all so confusing. My dad will do things for me and offer to do things for me, but doesn't speak kind of me to anyone. When he gets upset he's said don't let the door hit ya on the way out! The way I heal is by learning to love myself. By doing that, I won't allow anyone else to treat me poorly again.
Dr C, was there a specific moment in time when you decided you wanted to pursue becoming a Psychotherapist?
I was so moved by your talk at Wilshire Baptist. I started following you at that time. I'm on Team Healthy! I'm glowing again.
I don't doubt at all that you will reach 1 million subscribers! God Bless you Dr C.
Thanks, Lori. In my teens, I was always drawn toward the philosophical discussions, and knew I was not a business major type. Beginning my freshman year of college, it just seemed natural to go toward psychotherapy. My father told he'd back me if I agreed that I'd get my doctorate, and that made sense to me. I had 3 incredible mentors in my late teens through late 20's. So I had plenty of good encouragement and guidance along the way. Thanks for asking.
@@SurvivingNarcissism You're making a beautiful impact on the world Dr C. I'm living proof of that.
It's so hard not to care but it's the only way and only chance to get away. Once you realise that they don't care and it's all about control it becomes easier. These people need God.
Love your channel thank you so much and thank you Gus woof ❤️🐶❤️
Complete self respect for myself would be healing for me. You know, not allowing disrespectful people to to determine aspects of my life and how I feel and to be indifferent to them (not talkative,or pleading)
A good man loves his dog.
That's how I see it!
I like this "Team Healthy" scrum. Please make this a regular thing. The pattern is amazing, powerful to hear so many people say basically, that they have been gaslighted into believing they are not decent people.
I always thought weak people had to fight to accept their decency, and fight for their autonomy... In the fullness of time, I have come to accept that people willing to fight for their autonomy are the strongest people alive.
I do this live every Wed at 11 Central, U.S. time. It gives me a chance to hear about and address viewers concerns. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism I mean the crowd sourcing of ideas...
Knowledge is power
Thank you Dr. Carter
YES; I have a horse!! He has been such a source of healing!!
Thank-you, Dr. Carter. Those writing in on how they are healing are just wonderful.
I really love my peace room 💝💝💝💝💝💝💝
Explain please
So love the comment regarding how a narcissistic parent literally steals your self. That you have to learn to like and be yourself, at this age I never knew how indoctrinated I actually was that I don't have a true aense of self which I'm working on and may be the best thing to come out of the worst time in my life. My parents taught me to be an Oscar winner in how to act think feel and behave around everyone and anyone. Never allowing a sense of self to develop. It's going to be a journeyman exploration ✌😊
I love this because it really proves "knowledge is power." I know I have healed because there is no sense of guilt or shame when the narcissist does their nonsense. I actually feel pity for them that they have embarrassed themselves. When I knew that their behavior toward me was not about me it was almost laughable. They no longer have any power of me in any way. I am able to calmly and even chuckle saying no without feeling intimidated. When they act snarky I don't feel a thing. I do spend as little time with them as possible because I would rather spend my time with kind and loving people. Also, the Bible tells us we are more likely to become like the people we hang out with.
I care very much for you too Doc C. Thanks for being here for us. ❤
It makes me so happy that somebody understands the problem! Suddenly I saw the patron, understanding makes me better every day! Thank you very much!!!! Sorry for my bad english, I am living in Holland. Greetings, Lynn
Thank you for your channel Dr. C❤ God led me to your channel when I could not understand the chaos that had been pervasively poisoning me for the past 35 years in my marriage. This has led me to turn to you for knowledge, God for wisdom, prayer & journaling for my healing. I feel as though I have been someone other than me & God has been putting me through what I like to refer is His 12-step program. I have begun to making amends to others that I may have hurt or offended in the last years as I became a shell of me. Thank you once again for being there for the broken-hearted. 🙏🏻
So pleased to be on the path with you
Raising my hand!!! (Too much time wasted justifying my views. Ty for the reminder not to justify my views. ❤)
Such immeasurably helpful advice this week to help me set my boundaries with the many narcissists in my family. It helps me stop feeling guilty for avoiding them. Thank you Dr. C. from Centreville, Virginia.
Dr. C I really appreciate all that you do on helping me and others struggling with people who are Narcissists and/or bullies, controllers, users, abusers etc. The do enjoy getting pleasure from others pain & especially causing drama where there was nothing bad or wrong going on from the start. They are walking soap operas or horror movies. It never ends though. Just when you think Ok things are calming down now and people are trying to get along. Boom 💥. They start attacks, gossip, demeaning talk, secrets etc. All over again.
I like the person who said just agree with them and then go do what is right for you. You know what is right in your heart and your body knows. If something is not feeling right or keeps telling you something is off. Listen.
God bless you Dr. C!
I am on Team Healthy! I am stumbling through getting stronger and protecting myself and my 2 girls from a Narcissistic father & family.
You have such a calming demeanor and know so much through your experiences.
😇🤗
So pleased!
I think it is wonderful, what you are doing Dr Carter. 🙏 knowledge of thyself is a useful key to have, with unlocking the door to freedom. Sometimes, we have to thank these toxic people that enter our
Iives because we need that contrast ro really know who we are.
Cutting out my late wife’s adult children, when I was her full time carer through her Alzheimers journey, was incredibly liberating & empowering. Journaling is a fantastic way of understanding yourself & what you are feeling. One of my best, ending lines, for the final door slam in the form of a letter to one of my wife’s toxic adult child was; ‘Caregiving, is way beyond your capabilities, your passive aggressiveness &.covert narcissism shines like a beacon’
Great topic. Please focus on this often. I have lots of trauma experience. Not so much recovery and healing. I want a big recovery. Thanks.
D R C today's Montra I owe it to myself. Honesty Peace
Thank you Dr. Carter
You are very welcome, Steven.
Thanks for these , felt like a Dr. C support group! Going to listen to it a few more times!
Love from England, thankyou so much for your brilliant videos, they really do bring joy and understanding.
So pleased, Denise. Dr. C
One of the best takeaways I've learned is setting boundries. I no sooner got out of a very cold, controlling marriage than I met someone who was nice at first, then within a week started showing the same signs of malcontent as my ex. I remember taking note of this at the time but not heeding my own warning bells. (The charming side was so fun!) Now after studying for 3 years I think I will be much more aware if another situation arises and listen to the bells instead of ignoring them. Another top takeaway was that it was not ALL my fault. He had convinced me that he did everything 100% right. However, if that were true, that would make me 100% wrong all the time. And that logic helped me realize he was wrong. Nobody bats a thousand. Finally, I learned the beauty of silence. He was able to get the upper hand from my remorse for the things that I said while mad and hurt. I learned his tactic of "The Silent Treatment" can go both ways. But I use it in a healthy way not to hurt another but to save my breath. And I no longer say the words that cause years of regret. Boom! Thank you for your gentle guidance toward my growth and emotional healing.
Thanks for these thoughts, Cheryl. The silence you describe is not the same as "the silent treatment." It comes down to intent. One is based upon logical self care, the other is based upon a need to punish and control. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism Because of your teachings I do get that.
Narcissists have RULES that you must conform to. Most of these seem to center around what others will perceive and painting a pretty picture of outward appearance. I personally wearied myself by trying to first conform, then to ask why don’t we seek joy within rather than the outward appearance that seemed fake to me? You’ll never get a viable answer to why, with that question. Then I became the cast out. I’m officially out now, and trying to realign with my old self, I was happier there. Saddest thing is they never seem to be happy and seemingly transfer their pain onto you, then blame you for it! It’s fraught with insurmountable expectations and you’re never clear what the achievements should look like. It’s crazy making. I was keeping the problem and after feeling like I was fighting a loosing battle left, that game. Because it is a game (not authentic and very discouraging). Leave, sooner rather than later. I stopped being sorry, for not performing at my peak, 24/7, stopped trying to make the point that inward health is better than outward appearance.
After 25 years, I chose to live My Life, my moral. To live, instead of trying to live “up to”, impossible expectations…
I often feel I lived half a life for those married years, sadly it wasn’t even my life.
This was absolutely tremendous, Thank you so much for this DR Les, You're absolutely beautiful, I'm glad there's compassionate people like you who have immense understanding, I'm glad you're on my journey with me, Thank you, Peace, love, Respect to you , Gus and everyone, Thank you universe ♘💛💙❤💚💜🌈🌌😃😍🕊🌹🐎🌝🐱🐉👁🦄👽☘🐶
Again, I am at a place I can “let my hair down”. I love these podcasts. I just wish I could have done this 30 years ago. It would have changed my life then. I am so pleased that people can get help now and not wait thirty years to understand it was never you. I’ve had counselors ask me if he was an alcoholic, OCD, whatever. How would I know? I’m not an expert!! The alcoholic part was no but he learned this behavior from the alcoholics in his family. 🙀I will be 70 this year and divorced my narcissist husband. I feel like my life is over.
You’re on to a new stage in life! Find people and activities to enjoy, one day at a time.
You transform by the renewing of your mind. Banish those dark thoughts the instant they come to mind by thinking on lovely things or some happy activity. You're only 70 for pete sake, get out from under that blanket
You deserve and will find better. God died so you could have a great life, not what they dished out.
DRC…. Love the mug Dr. C…Missed the live too - but really enjoyed this taped session. Thankyou.. You are Genius but most importantly you’re a Caring & beautiful human being….Go Team Healthy.💛✨🇦🇺Kisses to Gus.
Thanks so much, Elli. Dr. C
Hi Dr C
Love listening to your videos. Your wisdom has been so helpful.
My narcissist colleague from my wk place is finally leaving after 5 years of hell. I feel my prayers have been answered. Just wanted to say thank you as your videos helped me to truly understanding and survive.
I wanted to let others know to stay strong and their day of peace will come!
Thanks, Maria.
So much wisdom here - thx v much Dr C
My greatest healing came from finally understanding that it is not their fault. They are who life led them to be. The simple understanding that they did not choose to be a narcissist was, for me, the start. Forgiveness for all parties involved becomes easier. I came to this after I ran for my life. Side note: You can not lie to a horse and a horse will not lie to you.
Eleanor Roosevelt was the one who coined “Living well is the best revenge.” It has been my mantra since I finally walked away.
Yep! I totally agree.
Thank you! You always have good insight! And so do your viewers:)
I am fresh from a relationship with a recently diagnosed psychopath (ASPD) and I just received a breast cancer diagnosis. The relationship was intensely traumatic. He bolted when he learned I was sick. That is both good and bad. He was actually full of rage at the notion of me being ill.
He seemed warm blooded but he is not. Trauma bond, ridiculous level of triangulation and grooming new (platonic but intimate) supply in full view, off the charts deception, scheming, manipulation, DV emotional abuse cycle, mad projection and intimidation etc etc. I literally have volumes of abuse messages saved on hard drive. He comedically charactertures the actual truth of his disorder publicly ...hiding in plain sight.
The arrogance that he feels safe to do this is breath taking. His public persona facebook image is EVERYTHING to him. He has only had relationships with trauma affected women. I am reeling at the multiple levels of betrayal. I realise it was not love but the old childhood abuse trauma is so activated, the cognitive dissonance and shame is kind of beyond managable atm.. I was told my cancer lesions grew in approx the time I was with him...adding insult to injury. I NEED to decrease cortisol and HEAL emotionally as quickly and expediently as possible to fight this wretched disease!! I don't know...Just reaching out I guess.
and thankyou for this video, Dr Carter and good folks commenting
Best wishes in your treatment. You definitely don't need the extra measure of stress. Peace. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism thankyou. At times I feel I will beat all of this. Sometimes, lately.. I fall. Mostly I just keep going. I am 55 in any case. no more time to waste. :) thanks again Dr.
Haha! Yes! Horses heal the heart and soul!
Agreed!
I'm so thankful I can go back and watch the tape. After the 2nd and third times , each time I got more out of it. Its like my mind went to the place of experience after each healing statement you read DR. Carter, and so I wasn't focused enough on the next one. But, I benefited from everything you said. Know when to let it rest. Its my big problem.
And ,, to team healthy in the live chat this am. I hope you all can watch this again. I also benefit from the chat. Thanks everyone.
You got a lot of love today, Jason. Stay strong. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism yes I did. It felt great. And I'm trying. thank you. I didn't mention everything i received from your work or respond to everyone but I did feel it all.
These are all so good! I think for me the biggest piece of healing was truly being able to disconnect from his energetic pull. Even after I left and was “free” but co-parenting I limited his contact with me and still felt like I was stuck, much like a dog with an invisible fence. I tried many things to break that bond and EMDR was the one thing that truly helped me break free and begin to feel I could live life on my own terms without his programming seeping back in.
Lots of self-care, mindfulness, meditation and prayer, walks in nature, eating and sleeping well and finding high quality supportive people. That last part has taken many years but has been essential as the decade + of isolation is familiar and has a way of becoming a default when things get tough with my kids or life’s challenges become too much.
Thank you for your wisdom and all that you’re doing to help us heal!! 💛🙏🏼
Thanks, Steph. To your point, I like this format. I especially like what you say here about your own self care. Very pleased to be on the journey with you! Dr. C
Thank you Dr. C
Not sure if it was Laura or Michelle Nieves but someone suggested in a video about disassociation that a couple of times a day you consciously notice what you see, hear, feel, taste, and smell the things around you and tell yourself that you are safe. I put alarms on my phone to remind me at 9 am and 9 pm. At first I avoided noticing things that my ex would berate me for despite them being the result of my sleep disorder. But then I decided to specifically notice them and repeat “and I am safe” as a way of realizing that I am no longer being abused for what I can’t help. Every time I notice these things and say that something I never expected happens - I physically feel a weight lifting and I FEEL safe!
Great advice!
@@SurvivingNarcissism ty
Hi...today I missed the livesession having to attend some business with quite a narcisstic person. I still feel bad inside cause of his words. That's what they do to you. I don't socialize anymore with narcisstic people, but sometimes we speake a little. I want to thank you people on #team healthy, for writing such positive things about the subject, it does make me smile. Thirty minutes with a narcissist and you have 24hrs to try and become good again.
Stay strong, Annie!
@@SurvivingNarcissism I will! Noone have said that to me. Thank you so much Dr C. ,Annie
Thank you for doing this presentation, Dr.C. This was one of my favorites. I watched it twice. Great comments from people. Silence is indeed golden. :)
I learned looking back and saw how shallow, superficial and insincere it all was...... from his side...... it is easier to not want to revisit the past.
I learned that he was always blaming my emotions on all of our issues.........but, living without empathy is not living....... I take pride in my emotions, good or bad.
God bless you. 🙌