WIBTA if I canceled my daughter's wedding vendors right before her wedding?
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- Опубліковано 1 лип 2024
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WIBTA if I canceled my daughter's wedding vendors right before her wedding?
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For a guy who is perfectly happy dropping 10k just to piss off his ex by screwing over his daughter. He's pretty clueless where his daughter got the audacity to disinvite him.
This guys probably lived at ASCON1 the daughters entire life.
I think the reason that they fought again would be a good thing to mention
I think the reason is a huge point cos it means we would know why
RIGHT? OP must have done some crazy ish if they’re not mentioning it.
It was over food
@@nkes50 oh no, it wasn’t just over food. I guarantee it. And thank you for commenting
There's teaching someone to be a good person, and then there's what OP is proposing to do, which is just cruel! OP shouldn't be responsible for $10k if he's not invited to the wedding, but he needs to communicate to his daughter that she needs to pay for these vendors, and give her a reasonable timeframe to do so, if she wants to keep them. This isn't teaching a lesson, this is just causing pain and will torpedo any future chance of a relationship with his daughter. It sounds like his "dramatic daughter" might be right forngoing no contact - OP sounds controlling, entitled, and like he lacks respect.
I'm going to propose that just because you put in $10,000 doesn't give you the right to go ascon 1. He's absolutely not being honest about what was said. I would be interested to see if this is considered to be a legally binding agreement to pay for these services between the two whether he attends or not.
@Staalhjerte Agreed it offers no entitlement to go ASCON1. But it may be legally binding - he wasn't paying for it just to be a DFHB, he was paying because it was his daughter's wedding and he anticipated attending. OP seems overly evasive about what the fight was actually about, so I suspect his marching orders may well be deserved. But he shouldn't be left holding the bag for an event he is uninvited from at the last minute. I wouldn't want to be beholden to someone like him - I'd absolutely enter into an agreement to pay it back just so he couldn't bitch to the family about how ungrateful I was. But it's also the decent thing to do, imo.
He's out the money either way so it's extra vindictive to cancel the vendors. I have a feeling the reasoning behind them being low contact/no contact frequently isn't because dad decided to do so. Getting the feeling that dad keeps screwing up and daughter isn't taking it any more. Also have a feeling that daughter got caught in a I've dreamed of the perfect wedding with dad walking me down the aisle moment and OP used that to get contact again. There's waaayyy more to this story and we don't know if she can/will offer to pay him back since it's already at the point of no refunds.
He wants changes to the food right before the wedding? I bet she wants vegetarian food at the wedding and he doesn't want to pay to "eat grass".
Next post from the OP, is "Why won't Stacey let me see my grandchildren? I don't understand....' Not a hill to die on imo
I agree that canceling to "teach her a lesson" isn't about teaching, it's to be petty be cause he's hurt. However, kicking him out of a wedding knowing he paid 10K that he won't get 90% of back? That's an AH move as well. She gambled with her own wedding, making that choice, unfortunately. Unless the choice was moreso made by Mom than by her. Who knows. She could've told him that whatever he said was unacceptable and unforgivable, and he was delegated to a regular guest who would no longer be featured. I.e. pictures, main table, speeches, etc. And if he tried a single thing, he'd be bounced out. Let him decide from there.
I love how all blame went on dad b/c of assumptions, but no one assumed the mom has poisoned daughter after divorce & daughter will always protect mom, even if mom was reason for marriage ending. 😂
There's no way it was as simple as "I don't want you to screw up your wedding like I screwed up with mine and your moms" and then his daughter immediately just said 'you've insulted mom. you're uninvited' and left.
I also seriously doubt that was their daughters plan all along if OP was at least correct that they reconciled, and then OP on their own decided to offer financial assistance with the wedding.
I think it's weird that OPs justification isn't that they think it's only fair they get their money back, but they'd rather it still be gone but the daughter be, presumably, blind sided by a lack of vendors to 'teach her to be nice'.
Abuser logic go figure If daughter ever finds his post we'll likely get a pile of horror stories about OP
Depend what he said about the food. If there are vegetariërs and they profite only Meat. It is worth the argument. Or the other way around.
He said something about the wedding to her mother, if mum did help decide about the menu i understand the fight.
I think that the rocky relation has a LOT to do with mum. Maybe dad cheated i don't know, but it is mum against dad and she choose mum.
She sealed the fate… cancel everything and walk away!
There's no way I'm giving my kids $10k for anything besides a down-payment on a house/property. I will not pay for or go into debt for them to begin a marriage. Big. Fat. Nope.
On one day? No. I've worked too damn hard for my money. If they want it, they can pay for it.
I took what he said about screwing up the wedding to her mom as he should have never done it because they are now ex. Before it was even said, I knew she "reconciled" so he would pay for the wedding and once his usefulness was gone, so would he be. I've seen it happen before. Yes, he probably said more that he shouldn't have, but the daughter isn't trying to get their relationship on better ground either, and I bet she said some pretty hurtful stuff as well.
I wanna hear from Stacey’s Mom.
Yup and Stacy he's probably done lots of terrible shit to them both
I wonder if she's got it goin' on?
ESH . if OP isn't invited why should he pay? Petty yes, ending the relationship with the kid? definitely. OP is obviously just a checkbook to the kid. There really isn't enough info
OP would not just be burning the bridge down, but also bombing it to smithereens, and there will be no rebuilding after that. I would need to know a bit more about the menu each of them wants. There are so many Redit stories that goes along these lines, and it is all based on how limiting the menus are. Also, making these decisions this close to the wedding is a bit weird.
I have a strong feeling that his behavior is what caused all of the strain in their relationship to begin with. Shes close to her mom for a reason. If he wanted a say in the food, that should have been discussed at the beginning and shouldn't be bringing it up just weeks before. So, he is TAH for that, but if you uninvite someone from your wedding that is paying $10K towards that wedding, then you should expect that money to disappear as well.
This really is an "everyone is being stupid" post. Is he the devil? I don't think so, but he needs to reflect on any possible relationship with his daughter if he follows through. Because there won't be one.
Fact is, if he’s uninvited, he has zero obligation to spend $10K
He says he can't get his money back anyway, since it is too close to the wedding. If there is still a balance owing on anything then he should let his daughter know that those balances are her problem now. That would keep the door open a crack for their relationship.
If he outright cancels everything, without allowing someone else to step in and cover the rest of the costs, then he is an AH and he will never see his daughter again.
no parent has any obligation to pay for any wedding.
@@sallyjopatriot In this case, OP has paid out money that he CANNOT GET BACK. He has ALREADY paid for parts of the wedding, it's just not clear whether he has paid the balances owing. It is an AH move to simply cancel these contracts, without giving the bride a chance to step in and cover any remaining balances, so that she has food and photos. However, if no one is going to cover the remainder of any balances then he is within his rights to cancel the contracts.
@@leebrown6247 He agreed to pay for those things. His feelings may have changed after their recent fight, but he did agree up front to pay. If his feelings have changed he needs to communicate that to her not just leave it as a nasty surprise on what should be a happy day for her.
According to the daughter, he will never see her again anyway. So what's lost exactly?@@hrobinson9701
idk i feel like if OP pulled the “i’m paying for it” card this time, he’s prob pulled it more too… this could’ve been a breaking point for daughter but there’s sm missing info lmao
ESH -- here is way more to this story than OP is providing.
Agreed.
I'm calling BS or at least omission on the 'reason' for the argument and the bride cutting op out of her life and wedding. I smell a big honking pile of doody.
Wrong title on the post
Could extreme reactiveness be " genetic" in this case????
She's getting married. Any "lessons" this parent hoped/hopes to teach her is moot at this point. If she hasn't learned this (and other) lessons by now, this won't teach her anything. OP is stuck having paid the majority of expenses to those vendors already and the rest is non-refundable so what is the point? I also doubt any vendor, paid to be present at a wedding, or get a product/service to a wedding, once paid in full, is going to be part and parcel of a parent's vindictive pettiness and just not show up, even if most of the contract has been fulfilled and the rest is a non-refundable refund. If the daughter is as petty as the parent, she could decide to sue those vendors for breach of contract, etc., knowing that they were almost paid in full and the rest is non refundable which would ruin their reputations, businesses, good standing in the community, etc. I don't think the idea of telling them "not to show up" is a good idea at all: why pull those unsuspecting, innocent vendors into this family circus? They don't deserve that in the least. They've done what they were contracted to do: that OP and daughter can't be civil to one another isn't their concern or their problem but OP is trying to insert them into this chaotic cesspool. OP should pay the vendors as contractually promised-as the contract is between OP and vendors, not OP and daughter, and then fade into the shadows and go NC with daughter. She's old enough to get married, make her own decisions, get mouthy and disrespectful with a parent, and viciously disinvite said parent to her wedding (which was probably her plan all along), she deserves OP going NC going forward. She's soon to be someone else's concern (translation: problem), and the volatile relationship with OP will soon become the groom's; her personality isn't going to change just because she's getting married. Conversely, I am not on daughter's side either - volatile relationship all these years and suddenly, "about a year ago" things between them got hunky dory - hmmmm....how long has she been planning this wedding? Maybe about a year? I think OP got played for about $10K and daughter had no intention of playing 'nice' right through the wedding. The one being taught a lesson here isn't daughter; it is OP, and the one doing the teaching is daughter. OP got intentionally, maliciously manipulated this past year and daughter got wedding vendors of her choice funded. The teaching moment was all daughter's; the learning moment is all OP's.
If you uninvited someone from a wedding, if you had any brain cells, you should assume you uninvited their money too. Could you imagine throwing your father/daughter relationship away over choice of food on a single meal? Both seem pretty immature.
The money got uninvited from the wedding and eloped with the vendors ig :/
Also I just wanna point out that this gesture was meant as a part of reconciliation. Just doesn't sound like he ever gave a shit about his daughter as a person just as an achievement and the on again off again relationship and the 10k he dropped this fast is just weird. I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to keep his wife with money rather than actual mutual respect and that's why his marriage failed...
Something to add is that once you put that money down for your CHILD's wedding it is absolutely no longer yours especially if it was a part of the reconciliation plan. And I mean yeah, he did spend that money, still not his wedding otherwise what even is the point of an itinerary?
This "if I can't have this then neither of us can" attitude especially with your daughter, who he's trying to reconcile with, speaks volumes. There's absolutely more to this but even if there wasn't I still see why she's distanced herself from him.
On a ligter note: I absolutely love the phrase "I dont want you to screw up your wedding like I screwed up mine" is a little funny to me. Like well good thing she was close to her mom and not you lol. Pulling it back a little bit the fact that this comment was about the menu is pathetic honestly I find it hard to believe that's the one thing he was uninvited over...
🧡💛💚🤍
I’m sure that the dad isn’t being truthful about what he said since he said he insulted her mother. Dad probably said something far worse than he is admitting to. Cancelling last minute would kill any chance of them making up EVER. That said the daughter really needs to think about the fact that she’s uninvited the one person paying for everything and that if he wanted to ruin her wedding he could as he is already considering it. If I had my guess the dad is toxic and the daughter just keeps trying to have a relationship and it just doesn’t work.
Daughter is better of without him
@@silentlyjudgingyou agreed and I hope she wakes up to that soon.
Input is fine but it sounds like dad was probably being controlling.
This is iffy. By technicality, withdrawing the vendors adheres to her demand not to be in her life anymore. One can't make such a boundary while still expecting monetary gain from it. But I'm with Dusty in suspecting that there is far more to it than just food. Makes me wonder if he has insulted his ex before which made those rifts in the past. It may not be about teaching her a lesson and more about boundaries on his side as well as hers, but it is a dumb move when you've committed to pay for her wedding, and if he hopes to salvage the relationship he shouldn't.
By description, he may have a case to stand on, but that doesn't mean he wouldn't be the AH for doing it.
Under the circumstances the reason for the fight is HUGELY important to determining a$$hole status. But tentatively based on the info we have NTA! But that could seriously change with more info. But given what we do know, if you do this you will never be in your daughter's life again.
There's got to be more to this than simply the menu for the reception. But I'm wondering if this was a setup to get OP to pay in part for the wedding. ESH!
Have the catered food delivered to a shelter.
This screams narcissistic behavior, the whole I’m going to teach you a lesson and hiding your part of a fight say all I need to know. Which means he’s been doing shit like this her whole life, not to mention even his best spin of the argument is really bad/stupid. AC0
I don't know... Because the timing of their last reconciliation seems to be a little too convenient for OP's daughter.
OP sounds emotionally immature.
I’m sorry it doesn’t matter why they fought.if your cutting me out of your life my money comes with me. The gall for anyone to think uninviting someone from the wedding and still expecting them to pay for it is wild. No one has to pay for anyones wedding. Dad isn’t the one burning this bridge it’s his daughter. This is exactly why the saying don’t bite the hand that feeds you exists.
While I do think this OP probably is an AH for whatever the fight was about, I don't think him canceling vendors makes him the AH. You can't dis-invite someone from your wedding and still expect them to cover parts of the wedding. You've said that before here about wedding gifts and to me this isn't different. I also had a stepdaughter who manipulated me into paying for a very expensive convention experience and as soon as it was over stopped speaking to me and started treating me like shit (no fight & no argument, just went from warm to ice cold the day after the convention) so I'm probably biased, but I think the daughter did this on purpose. If she did not and her response to him is justified, then he should cancel and end their relationship for good because he's an AH she doesn't need to have around. And if her explosions at him are *not* justified, she really isn't ready to get married, coz guess who will bear the brunt of that when daddy is gone? ESH, but there is more to this story
I disagree with Candy Thunder this time- when the roles are reversed, commenters always say that if you're funding the wedding then you get some say in it. Not ALL of the say, but some. And if he's going to spend $10,000 on a wedding he's no longer invited to or even welcome in the bride's life anymore, then I think he's just being used and should go ahead and pull the vendors. HOWEVER, if there is more to the story about the fight and maybe OP was being unreasonable or combative in some way, then he absolutely is TA. But unless there's an update, we just won't know. I would go MIN- more info needed.
none of these heart burnings would happen if parents would STOP PAYING OUTRAGEOUS PRICES FOR UNNECESSARY WEDDINGS... Let your kids know from the get out you will NOT be doing that.. You'll show up, bring a nice gift.. but that's it....
I find it strange that parents would pay for weddings, in Ireland where i live the norm is the couple pay for wedding, not the parents.
@@wonky_shoebox7514 yeah.. given that weddings generally happen at a time when parents should be desperately saving for retirement..
@@sallyjopatriot Maybe it's a cultural difference but where I live if you don't contribute at least something to the wedding it's really not a good look. Usually it's the bride's family that pays for most of it but other people often chip in. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect your family to help out with your wedding. It's not unnecessary it's a show of love for your child. Now obviously in this situation it's a bit difficult because of their relationship and I don't think he'd be the asshole if he pulled out, but in general for people who have decent relationships with their parents it's normal for them to pay for some of it.
@@maddiewetter6572 that's all well and good for those who can afford it, but where's the show of love from the child to the parents? A marriage of 2 people is supposed to be a sacred thing, not a chance to get stupid drunk and go broke. If parents are ABLE and willing to pay for any part of the wedding, fine, but I'm a firm believer in him who has the gold makes the rules, so parents who are paying SHOULD have input. I'm dead set against it being any sort of 'natural expectation' that either set of parents pay tens of thousands or more for a one day party. Or any thing at all. It's interesting to me that while the reason the bride's parents paid for the wedding no longer exists, the selfish custom of asking parents to shell out money they can ill afford remains. Do you know why the bride's parents paid? Because when women didn't work outside the home, dad had to support the daughter till she married..So, dad would spend the money he would have spent supporting her the next year on the wedding. Now many brides make more than their parents, but still expect the parents to shell out for big bucks for yes. UNNECESSARY expenses. No one NEEDS to get married in a dress costing thousands of bucks. No one NEEDS thousands of bucks worth of flowers or cake, and or fancy dinners and photographers or honeymoons.. And you want to talk about love.. those same daughters would be expected to take in the parents who paid for their weddings when they were old and sick.. how often does that happen these days.. I say, throw whatever kind of wedding the couple can afford, and use the rest to make a home.
I’m sorry it doesn’t matter why they fought.if your cutting me out of your life my money comes with me. The gall for anyone to think uninviting someone from the wedding and still expecting them to pay for it is wild. No one has to pay for anyones wedding. Dad isn’t the one burning this bridge it’s his daughter. This is exactly why the saying don’t bite the hand that feeds you exists.
Except they aren’t even getting their money back - just denial of services for the wedding
@@phastinemoonwell sounds like you shouldn't cut out the person paying for your stuff.
@@phastinemoon He could chose to feed people at a party he's banned from or throw that money in the trash. His money, his choice. She uninvited her father from the wedding, which is her right, but it's a scorched earth move. There really is no going back on that, especially with their messed up relationship. He has the right to also go scorched earth. We'll never know for sure who was in the right over all their fights, but now it doesn't matter.
@@phastinemoon it doesn’t matter if he’s not getting his money back he paid for it he can do what he wants with it.
Your money can leave with you but not gifts you've already given like this