What a great topic. I lost my husband just over six months ago (unexpectedly to Covid). I was very traumatized when I discovered his body in the morning. The image of that scene has been so hard to process. I was definitely in shock and all the reactions you described took place. I remember just constantly saying to myself (out loud) “oh, God please help me … please help me” over and over as I tried to hold myself together and call 911. I also kept repeating “everything’s ok” … somehow I got thru. I began improving each month (I was severely sleep deprived for the first 3 months) … but gradually kept gaining an hour or so each consecutive month… I do lots of praying … I daily give my pain and unanswered questions to God. I as God to give me comfort and peace and happy memories in place of sadness. I do find myself often laughing out loud at many great memories. I decided early on that I wanted to work hard at processing grief so that I could love a happy life for and with our young daughter. I take it day by day. But I do feel that I’ve crossed over from reaction to response. Your videos have been very helpful to me for sure. Thank for what you do 💕
My diagnosis was acute depression after my husband died. Your initial reaction was correct for me and the words "I am a widow" repeated over and over. He was the first to pass among all our family, friends and associates. Within three days after his passing, all these people disappeared, including my family. Their reasoning was their work. My family lived miles away and then Covid happened. The reaction was more of shock. Going into a response mode happened so slowly, probably about 6 months. Then my response was despondency. We were an extremely close couple who worked in our own business. I froze up. Couldn't go out because I had no strength. What if something happened, like a car accident, or my car broke down, or if someone spoke unkindly to me. Thus I became a recluse. As a writer and artist, combined with being an only child, I had comfort with being alone. The curious part was becoming a different silent personality. With acute depression I stayed stuck in a routine that I won't give up. My daily routine is exactly the same. My family rarely visits but when they do visit, it appears like old times. We laugh, I cook their favorite foods and the home runs normally. That is one quick personality side that I divulge so it appears things are good. However when their short two day visit ends, the need to crawl back into my dark bedroom with curtains closed occurs. My comfort puppy is curled next to me. My psychiatrist talks by tele-health conference. At the age of 87 he is just putting in time. He just prescribes my meds. Looking for another psychiatrist has turned out futile because most do not accept Medicare or they are a great distance to travel. And this reverts back to not wanting to drive. Your video was a great help and I stumbled across it quite by chance. Your suggestions for response just didn't fit into my lifestyle. Journaling like my prior routine is non-existent. My art room is overrun with disorganization and gathering dust. This present lifestyle is unacceptable but the impetus to start a project is similar to starting a diet. It is the hardest part. Fatigue and loss of mental energy pushes me back to my bedroom. Do other grievers have this same problem with the inability to face decisions alone? Do men handle their grief differently? If not, what is this mental hold that prevents people from future mobility? If grievers were once capable of handling most situations, what has crippled them and how can they overcome it? If the desire to "try" is lost, how can any advice help? I certainly do not want to be doomed to this lifestyle plus my husband would be devastated to know I am doing this to myself. Did you make a video that addresses this issue of failure response? ❤
Thank you, Jo. My grief is so raw, my wonderful, kind husband of 61 years passed away unexpectedly three weeks ago. He was my sunshine, my life. I am in deep grief reaction, but listening to you today has given me hope that I can eventually go on, and need to go on to grief response. I don’t feel emotionally, physically, or mentally ready to do this. I am in a dark place today, but desperately hoping for better days ahead.
I share your pain- my beloved husband passed away 3 weeks ago. I am so tired and the debilitating grief reactions are very much still alive in ne - I look foreword to feeling able to respond thoughtfully but I’m not close to that yet
My husband died almost four weeks ago. I am deep in "reaction" mode at the moment. Thank you, Jo, for these great videos. I intend to listen to you over the next few months and will work steadily towards a time of grief response.
I am still stuck. My dad died 2020, my mom 2021, day before my birthday, my dog morning of my birthday, a month later my brother and now my sister is in last stages of kidney and heart failure. I am so hurt and so angry.
I'm so sorry for your losses. I also lost my mom in 2021 and still have days where I feel stuck and the anxiety keeps me up at 3 am. But I've been doing a lot of mediation, journaling, breathing exercises and getting out for excerise, all will help. All the best to you💖🙏
I’m still in reaction I think but looking for a way forward. My world has changed so much since June 26, 2024. I feel fortunate to have found your help. You describe my experience well
Some days I can do things in the house and garden then other days I just can't summon up the energy to do anything. Some days I like to have a bit of company or can make a phone call other days I just want to be on my own with my own thoughts
Hello #GriefTherapy #JoMcRogers, I'm searching YT looking for this kind of information. It is interesting I can find so many videos from females regarding this voracious animal Grief but, so few from men. I appreciate your effort to enlighten and lighten, our hearts via our minds by helping to understand this animal. It took over my life five years ago and and I am finally realizing it still has me in it's grasp. I have recently realized I am stuck, without the desire to find new purpose to life. Although stable, perhaps too stable, without chance, growth or the desire to live this new stage of life I am wasting away what is supposed to be the best years of retirement still treading water in my pool of depression. I do journal almost everyday and that helps....most times. As well as seek information but, just realizing the idea of purpose, has change me into a next gear. Thank you for your share of important information will ingest, chew and find a way to swallow into my emotional digestive tract. Peace, Faith and, Hope but, mostly Loves. Don
Thank you for pointing out the difference between grief reaction and response. It's helpful to understand the difference and to begin making plans, gathering ideas for response which includes an element of control and doing something, regardless how small. This will be helpful because we don't want to get stuck.
This sums up a lot of what I experience each day.. back and forth from reacting to responding .. exhausting .. am trying to respond more after losing my son yet it’s so hard. When I react I tend to need to go with it but then be still and quiet, go to write with him or talk to him to remember how to connect and continue his meaningful life in this world .. thanks Jo for articulating what’s happening
My wife, whom I adored, passed away 3 months ago, from a relatively short illness, cancer. We both seemed to accept it as it happened. Thankfully I am at peace with what has happened, I accept what has happened. This is life. But I am desperately sad and at present, feeling very low in myself each day. You have described it well Jo. I am possibly in response mode now? Is this secondary grief....where the everyday realisation is beginning to take hold. I feel I am basically doing well through all of this, but I am presently feeling terribly low. Healthy all my life...but I now feel that I am suffering a serious illness. I hope I have the strength to persevere. My wife and I had (have) a strong relationship. Deep love. Maybe this is why it is proving to be such a struggle at present. Thankyou
Thank you for your videos. I lost my mom to covid In January and have struggled with waves of grief and anxiety. I am still trying to find my way to a new normal. One thing that helps is that I bought a piano. I played as a child, and found that I remembered a lot of the basics and I enjoy this new challenge. It clears my head and also honors my mom who played piano in her younger days too.
I did the same after my husband and son died....bought a new digital piano to change my focus and remind me of my grandma, mom and other pianos in my childhood. What a blessing it has been!
This video is important to me. I realize that I have had several losses stack up on me where I have simply been reacting and not responding, where I have been "sleepwalking" through grief for several years. . . . A recent series of events awakened things in me that have long since been dormant. . . . A response is necessary.
My husband and I are fighting constantly. We lost a daughter 1.5 mos ago to a hit and run driver. She was very talented but had a history of mental illness . She had been hospitalized often . I sent her money every week just to know she was alive . She was 29 and just recently arrived back in the country after runnni g from place to place. I can’t stop crying . My husband doesn’t show any emotion.
I am also dealing with breast cancer, I feel cursed .cannot stand when anyone tells me to pray , although I did pray before my daughters death. I am furious.
Perhaps your husband is dying on the inside as you are. My firstborn & only son after long illness. He was 49. My pain was/is so deep, yet I COULDN'T shed a tear though i wanted & needed to. We scattered his ashes on the 1st anniversary of his death. Afterwards, in the privacy of my room, i finally let it out through tears, wails, yelling etc. & felt better for it. It'll soon be 3 yrs. I'm just now beginning to do more than sit in front of a screen all day. Your husband's lack of SHOWING grief does NOT indicate the depth his grief may be.
Thank you Jo. This is so helpful. My daughter passed last April. I am still in shock or flat and reliving the passing. I haven't sought help but read/review material. 🙏
Thanks, Jo. A lot of food for thought. It's a very challenging process. I'm getting a lot from your suggestions and philosophy. Grief is like a juggernaut at times. I try to regulate it when it's appropriate. There are days, like yesterday where it was like a geiser of tarry, sticky emotion. I needed to let it emerge, something told me if I didn't, it would lurk. It was rotten yet it was cathartic (I discovered today). It feels bottomless, I woke today quite fresh then the gurgle started, again. I'm setting intentions around it and outside it even if I'm at a loss still. I realise I'm more rooted in myself now, I (need to) trust this will guide me along with other sources. 🙏
Ironically, your video helped me in a slightly different way in that you defined the difference between a reaction and a response. I was just looking for clues on how to manage my guilt and resentment (oh yes, both at the same time) on some conflicts I had had with my Mum and you made me realise that in those moments we were both reacting, totally overwhelmed by our emotions. And that it was actually because we had loved each other so much. And this, in turn, helps me build my grief response. Thank you ever so much again, Jo!
Thank you Jo for your very helpful videos. I have listened to some twice over as my brain still shuts off into a grief-state meandering which I have to try to control. The reaction v response video is particularly interesting to me because I think I am transitioning from the reactive to responsive phase which is weirdly comforting. Grief is such hard work and I am thinking I need to befriend it in order to survive the knowledge that it will always be with an altered me, even as the intensity of pain decreases in intensity. 🙏
My husband died suddenly a month and a half ago. I guess I’m still in the response stage. I’m functioning on the outside, but on the inside I feel empty. I almost have no feeling at all. I don’t want to walk around like a sad sack, so I put on a smile. But inside I feel like just staying in the house and being left alone. I’m not sure where to go from here, but I think your suggestions make a lot of sense. I will try them. Thank you.
My son and I were estranged for 8 months when I found out that he pasted away. The grief is Hugh. 3 hold. 1. He wasn't saved, he did not believe in God. I do so the thought of not seeing him after my death and believing he is nit with God is almost Unbearable. 2. I'm so sad he died alone, he was found 10 days later. 3. We were estranged because that was his decision. So sad. It's been been five months since he passed. I have 4 or 5 good days then 4 or 5 bad days. Thanks for your videos!
It is so hard, me and my husband had a big fight before he killed himself. Me too few days ok, few days rough. It is so so hard, but I m sure we gonna be better...
Yes Sue 10 days is probably too early to be looking at big picture responses. However I would encourage you to look at immediate responses in terms of what do you want to guide you. Is it communication, is it honesty, is it being real with your grief, or is it turning inwards and reflecting. It is such a personal decision. But if you set the practice of separating reaction from response this will serve you in the big long term picture. ❤️
I would ask the question is it necessary because you aren't sleeping at night?? Is it your way of protecting yourself? Do you feel you are making that decision or is it overtaking you? Is it a planned response or is it a reaction to the loss? Also please remember that grief is exhausting.
What suggestions might you have to help make the switch between a reaction to a response? Let's share and learn together!!🙏🏻
What a great topic. I lost my husband just over six months ago (unexpectedly to Covid). I was very traumatized when I discovered his body in the morning. The image of that scene has been so hard to process. I was definitely in shock and all the reactions you described took place. I remember just constantly saying to myself (out loud) “oh, God please help me … please help me” over and over as I tried to hold myself together and call 911. I also kept repeating “everything’s ok” … somehow I got thru.
I began improving each month (I was severely sleep deprived for the first 3 months) … but gradually kept gaining an hour or so each consecutive month…
I do lots of praying … I daily give my pain and unanswered questions to God. I as God to give me comfort and peace and happy memories in place of sadness. I do find myself often laughing out loud at many great memories.
I decided early on that I wanted to work hard at processing grief so that I could love a happy life for and with our young daughter. I take it day by day. But I do feel that I’ve crossed over from reaction to response. Your videos have been very helpful to me for sure. Thank for what you do 💕
Rebecca, thank you for your kind words about the videos. It does seem that you have found your way to have your relationship with your grief.🙏🏻
My diagnosis was acute depression after my husband died. Your initial reaction was correct for me and the words "I am a widow" repeated over and over. He was the first to pass among all our family, friends and associates. Within three days after his passing, all these people disappeared, including my family. Their reasoning was their work.
My family lived miles away and then Covid happened. The reaction was more of shock. Going into a response mode happened so slowly, probably about 6 months.
Then my response was despondency. We were an extremely close couple who worked in our own business. I froze up. Couldn't go out because I had no strength. What if something happened, like a car accident, or my car broke down, or if someone spoke unkindly to me. Thus I became a recluse.
As a writer and artist, combined with being an only child, I had comfort with being alone.
The curious part was becoming a different silent personality. With acute depression I stayed stuck in a routine that I won't give up.
My daily routine is exactly the same. My family rarely visits but when they do visit, it appears like old times. We laugh, I cook their favorite foods and the home runs normally.
That is one quick personality side that I divulge so it appears things are good. However when their short two day visit ends, the need to crawl back into my dark bedroom with curtains closed occurs. My comfort puppy is curled next to me.
My psychiatrist talks by tele-health conference. At the age of 87 he is just putting in time. He just prescribes my meds. Looking for another psychiatrist has turned out futile because most do not accept Medicare or they are a great distance to travel. And this reverts back to not wanting to drive.
Your video was a great help and I stumbled across it quite by chance. Your suggestions for response just didn't fit into my lifestyle. Journaling like my prior routine is non-existent. My art room is overrun with disorganization and gathering dust.
This present lifestyle is unacceptable but the impetus to start a project is similar to starting a diet. It is the hardest part. Fatigue and loss of mental energy pushes me back to my bedroom.
Do other grievers have this same problem with the inability to face decisions alone? Do men handle their grief differently? If not, what is this mental hold that prevents people from future mobility? If grievers were once capable of handling most situations, what has crippled them and how can they overcome it? If the desire to "try" is lost, how can any advice help?
I certainly do not want to be doomed to this lifestyle plus my husband would be devastated to know I am doing this to myself. Did you make a video that addresses this issue of failure response? ❤
Thank you, Jo. My grief is so raw, my wonderful, kind husband of 61 years passed away unexpectedly three weeks ago. He was my sunshine, my life. I am in deep grief reaction, but listening to you today has given me hope that I can eventually go on, and need to go on to grief response. I don’t feel emotionally, physically, or mentally ready to do this. I am in a dark place today, but desperately hoping for better days ahead.
I share your pain- my beloved husband passed away 3 weeks ago. I am so tired and the debilitating grief reactions are very much still alive in ne - I look foreword to feeling able to respond thoughtfully but I’m not close to that yet
My husband died almost four weeks ago. I am deep in "reaction" mode at the moment. Thank you, Jo, for these great videos. I intend to listen to you over the next few months and will work steadily towards a time of grief response.
I am still stuck. My dad died 2020, my mom 2021, day before my birthday, my dog morning of my birthday, a month later my brother and now my sister is in last stages of kidney and heart failure. I am so hurt and so angry.
I'm so sorry for your losses. I also lost my mom in 2021 and still have days where I feel stuck and the anxiety keeps me up at 3 am.
But I've been doing a lot of mediation, journaling, breathing exercises and getting out for excerise, all will help. All the best to you💖🙏
I’m still in reaction I think but looking for a way forward. My world has changed so much since June 26, 2024. I feel fortunate to have found your help. You describe my experience well
Some days I can do things in the house and garden then other days I just can't summon up the energy to do anything. Some days I like to have a bit of company or can make a phone call other days I just want to be on my own with my own thoughts
Lynn....you are right grief is such a moving target.
Hello #GriefTherapy #JoMcRogers,
I'm searching YT looking for this kind of information. It is interesting I can find so many videos from females regarding this voracious animal Grief but, so few from men.
I appreciate your effort to enlighten and lighten, our hearts via our minds by helping to understand this animal. It took over my life five years ago and and I am finally realizing it still has me in it's grasp.
I have recently realized I am stuck, without the desire to find new purpose to life. Although stable, perhaps too stable, without chance, growth or the desire to live this new stage of life I am wasting away what is supposed to be the best years of retirement still treading water in my pool of depression.
I do journal almost everyday and that helps....most times. As well as seek information but, just realizing the idea of purpose, has change me into a next gear.
Thank you for your share of important information will ingest, chew and find a way to swallow into my emotional digestive tract.
Peace, Faith and, Hope but, mostly Loves.
Don
Thank you for pointing out the difference between grief reaction and response. It's helpful to understand the difference and to begin making plans, gathering ideas for response which includes an element of control and doing something, regardless how small. This will be helpful because we don't want to get stuck.
This sums up a lot of what I experience each day.. back and forth from reacting to responding .. exhausting .. am trying to respond more after losing my son yet it’s so hard. When I react I tend to need to go with it but then be still and quiet, go to write with him or talk to him to remember how to connect and continue his meaningful life in this world .. thanks Jo for articulating what’s happening
My wife, whom I adored, passed away 3 months ago, from a relatively short illness, cancer. We both seemed to accept it as it happened. Thankfully I am at peace with what has happened, I accept what has happened. This is life. But I am desperately sad and at present, feeling very low in myself each day. You have described it well Jo. I am possibly in response mode now? Is this secondary grief....where the everyday realisation is beginning to take hold. I feel I am basically doing well through all of this, but I am presently feeling terribly low. Healthy all my life...but I now feel that I am suffering a serious illness. I hope I have the strength to persevere. My wife and I had (have) a strong relationship. Deep love. Maybe this is why it is proving to be such a struggle at present. Thankyou
Thank you for your videos. I lost my mom to covid In January and have struggled with waves of grief and anxiety. I am still trying to find my way to a new normal. One thing that helps is that I bought a piano. I played as a child, and found that I remembered a lot of the basics and I enjoy this new challenge. It clears my head and also honors my mom who played piano in her younger days too.
Honouring is such an important element of Grief. Wishing you many musical moments.🎶
I did the same after my husband and son died....bought a new digital piano to change my focus and remind me of my grandma, mom and other pianos in my childhood. What a blessing it has been!
God bless you jo. When i get down i waych you.. love you❤❤❤
This video is important to me. I realize that I have had several losses stack up on me where I have simply been reacting and not responding, where I have been "sleepwalking" through grief for several years. . . . A recent series of events awakened things in me that have long since been dormant. . . . A response is necessary.
My husband and I are fighting constantly. We lost a daughter 1.5 mos ago to a hit and run driver. She was very talented but had a history of mental illness . She had been hospitalized often . I sent her money every week just to know she was alive . She was 29 and just recently arrived back in the country after runnni g from place to place.
I can’t stop crying . My husband doesn’t show any emotion.
I am also dealing with breast cancer, I feel cursed .cannot stand when anyone tells me to pray , although I did pray before my daughters death. I am furious.
Perhaps your husband is dying on the inside as you are. My firstborn & only son after long illness. He was 49. My pain was/is so deep, yet I COULDN'T shed a tear though i wanted & needed to. We scattered his ashes on the 1st anniversary of his death. Afterwards, in the privacy of my room, i finally let it out through tears, wails, yelling etc. & felt better for it. It'll soon be 3 yrs. I'm just now beginning to do more than sit in front of a screen all day. Your husband's lack of SHOWING grief does NOT indicate the depth his grief may be.
Thank you Jo. This is so helpful. My daughter passed last April. I am still in shock or flat and reliving the passing. I haven't sought help but read/review material. 🙏
💗
This is me. 💙
Thanks, Jo. A lot of food for thought. It's a very challenging process. I'm getting a lot from your suggestions and philosophy. Grief is like a juggernaut at times. I try to regulate it when it's appropriate. There are days, like yesterday where it was like a geiser of tarry, sticky emotion. I needed to let it emerge, something told me if I didn't, it would lurk. It was rotten yet it was cathartic (I discovered today).
It feels bottomless, I woke today quite fresh then the gurgle started, again. I'm setting intentions around it and outside it even if I'm at a loss still. I realise I'm more rooted in myself now, I (need to) trust this will guide me along with other sources. 🙏
I often ask my clients to look for moments that "suck less". It's also important that you are letting it flow when it needs to flow.❤️
I watch yu videos everyday.my husband passed 5mo ago.i am in deep seated pain
Ironically, your video helped me in a slightly different way in that you defined the difference between a reaction and a response. I was just looking for clues on how to manage my guilt and resentment (oh yes, both at the same time) on some conflicts I had had with my Mum and you made me realise that in those moments we were both reacting, totally overwhelmed by our emotions. And that it was actually because we had loved each other so much. And this, in turn, helps me build my grief response. Thank you ever so much again, Jo!
Thank you Jo for your very helpful videos. I have listened to some twice over as my brain still shuts off into a grief-state meandering which I have to try to control. The reaction v response video is particularly interesting to me because I think I am transitioning from the reactive to responsive phase which is weirdly comforting. Grief is such hard work and I am thinking I need to befriend it in order to survive the knowledge that it will always be with an altered me, even as the intensity of pain decreases in intensity. 🙏
found my husband dead on the floor at home....throwing me into constantly raging, screaming and hating and lost
I am stuck in the grief reactions, feels terible
My grief has been a nightmare
Mine also, hopefully we gonna get through peacefully
So grateful for your insightful videos. ❤
My husband died suddenly a month and a half ago. I guess I’m still in the response stage. I’m functioning on the outside, but on the inside I feel empty. I almost have no feeling at all. I don’t want to walk around like a sad sack, so I put on a smile. But inside I feel like just staying in the house and being left alone. I’m not sure where to go from here, but I think your suggestions make a lot of sense. I will try them. Thank you.
I wrote the wrong thing when I said I was in the response stage. I think I’m still in the reaction stage. Brain fog!!!!!
My wife died suddenly and traumaticly three months ago. I wish you the best on this hardest of all journeys!
You are amazing. Thank you so much
Thank you for your comments and support. UA-cam is such a straight up learning curve for me.
Can you create a more detailed video of creating a grief response.
Excellent video!
My son and I were estranged for 8 months when I found out that he pasted away. The grief is Hugh. 3 hold. 1. He wasn't saved, he did not believe in God. I do so the thought of not seeing him after my death and believing he is nit with God is almost Unbearable. 2. I'm so sad he died alone, he was found 10 days later. 3. We were estranged because that was his decision. So sad. It's been been five months since he passed. I have 4 or 5 good days then 4 or 5 bad days. Thanks for your videos!
It is so hard, me and my husband had a big fight before he killed himself. Me too few days ok, few days rough. It is so so hard, but I m sure we gonna be better...
What timeline are we looking at from reaction to response? Is 10 days too early?
Yes Sue 10 days is probably too early to be looking at big picture responses. However I would encourage you to look at immediate responses in terms of what do you want to guide you. Is it communication, is it honesty, is it being real with your grief, or is it turning inwards and reflecting. It is such a personal decision. But if you set the practice of separating reaction from response this will serve you in the big long term picture. ❤️
Is sleeping about 4 hours a day from noon to 4 p.m. a grief response
Yes, I think it can be
I would ask the question is it necessary because you aren't sleeping at night?? Is it your way of protecting yourself? Do you feel you are making that decision or is it overtaking you? Is it a planned response or is it a reaction to the loss? Also please remember that grief is exhausting.
Reaction