I have bpd traits and I find I went through different types of bpd. I’m working very hard to get this under control. I think the best things that happen to me was having my behavior shown to my face. I call my bpd my little child inside because that’s exactly how I act when I’m having a bpd episode. Like a hurt immature child. I try to get her together and let her know she will not ruine my life or become my mother. As I’m getting older it’s getting better.
Thats a beautiful level of self awareness. I always thought the triggered borderlines around me acted like hurt children would. Little child is a lovely way to put it. good luck with healing
I am currently in a relationship with someone who has BPD. And she's all over the board as far as these types go. I've seen many videos that tell people just to basically chalk that relationship up is a loss.. I've had my own fair share of faulty coping mechanisms and a traumatic past. But I have since overcome a great majority of that. It's a lifelong process but I feel like I'm definitely on the right path now. That being said I'm holding out a lot of hope for my significant other and I feel like I have the patience to handle it. And through videos like this I'm getting the tools to do so as well. I'm just hoping I'm able to gently make her aware of her situation and be supportive and help her long the path if she lets me. I am by no means perfect. But I strive to be better than I was the day before every day. Like every human I may slip from time to time. But my experiences should help me in helping others overcome their past issues. All that being said. Thank you for taking the time to post these videos and share them with the world. I really appreciate it.
My mother was very bpd--she died nearly 14 years ago at age 84. I, fortunately, did not inherit the problems, but I have a lot of issues as a child who endured constant criticism, shaming, and her histrionic behavior. I have struggled for years to overcome the legacy of this.
All of these sound like my mom under different circumstances and at different times in my life. She was a good mother though she was crazy but she was good to me she always apologized and held herself accountable for her rage and she cleaned up her act enough to get me whatever I needed. When I came of age I could see the pain and the loneliness and that she didn’t want me to go. Her mom, my grandmother was a REAL piece of work if she had raised me I’d be a little off too.
@@billyb4790 you completely ignored everything in the comment to make it about you and your mother, but that’s cool. Sorry your mom didn’t apologize, that sucks
Another very helpful video thank you Dr Sage. My mum was witch/queen/petulant/histrionic/extravert. She was terrifying but could be so charming. No one believed us when we tried to get help but there wasn't much help available in the 1970s-90s.
I really can’t tell if my mother is high functioning bpd or also a cptsd/ptsd case. She externalises anger and goes into dissociative rages where she can be really hurtful. But when she’s good, she’s good. She’s supportive, understanding. She can also be very vulnerable. I feel like she swings between discouraged and internalising and externalising and impulsive. Whatever it is, I have cptsd bc of it, and I have no idea how to navigate my relationship with her now.
By the sounds of things that borderline (in my humble opinion i am no professional) someone w cptsd wouldnt black out emotionally& struggles to show vulnerability
Im sorry. Your mom sounds like me and i love my daughter so much it like being at war with myself. I am in 2 types of therapy currently including family therapy with my daughter. If she is like me she loves you so much it kills her inside when she hurts you but she feels so out of control it sometimes feels hopeless. That is my experience anyway. I hope that you both get what you need.
This somehow resembles my past relationship with mum. I am actually not even sure if maybe she is more leaning towards bipolar or comorbid .... I just know it was more than a rollercoaster. I left home at round 19. Never to move back in. Now I'm living on another continent and married with kids. Every time I call her I still get for that split second a feeling in my stomach whereby I remind myself hey, your 48 and not 15 anymore. I genuinely do feel sorry for her because I believe she had her full load of struggles all her life (health-wise and relationships) which prbly were a result of generational passed down trauma. I would like to look after her as she is getting older but ..... spending too much time with her still throws me back some 30 years and I still have the same responses to certain situations like back then. Just recently I started to "speak up" about my failure at school. She keeps on bringing up the subject (even with my kids when we go on holidays visiting her, plus some very embarrassing incidents from my teen years) "jokingly" and I told her mum, I was never really interested in going to uni. Her response?? She at first doesn't even listen to what I say and just continues to talk until I repeat the same sentence maybe three times. Then she would say no, you just didn't want to learn. Its very heartbreaking. You want to tell your mum from the bottom of your heart that u love her bit many times it feels like it'sjust an automatic reply to her. Unfortunately I became this avoidant, emotionally absent parent Dr Sage was mentioning and it did had a big negative impact on esp two of my three kids. Would I have had kids 27 years ago had I known that I'm mentally not ready? Of course not! I would have loved to have known all this information back then and would have searched on how to heal myself before having kids. Throughout all these years there was always this internal suffering which I didn't know from where it stemmed up until about a year ago.... I wish for you healing and for all those suffering and living with confusion about their own selves! P.s it's this vulnerability which always got the better of me. And it somehow internalised in me that I am responsible or part of it for her suffering.
@@Stillprilgood for you for taking responsibility and going to therapy for yourself and your daughter. I’m sure better days are ahead for you both. Not many moms will do this.
Have you ever had so nuch to say, but no words with which to speak ? I’ve only just started to take my hurts seriously, & it’s the end of my life !! The language you use, the calm assurance you give. You are the person i needed most my whole life !! My heart feelsas if it were raw meat. You’re showing me ways to heal my heart!!! Do you understand what a gift of hope you’ve given me already ??? Dr Kim Sage???
Watching this video has made me realize that I feel as if different times of my life my BPD will come out differently. I’m a lot petulant/histrionic. But other times when I feel I haven’t been triggered in a while or it’s maybe calmed down, I’m mostly quiet. But then a big thing of rejection happens, or loss, and BAM. I become the witch and I’m so confused. Like my whole personality from a week prior just changes. And I’m like... raging and raging and can’t stop. I get this thing I call aggressive entitlement. But I feel so shameful when I see how it affects people and I tend to self destruct. I may not be making sense but thank you for this video. I feel I may represent all the subtypes depending on what’s going on in my life, who I’m around, and what I’m going through. And I also see this not just in myself, but in others in my family as well. This was super helpful. And I also realize that once you see these in yourself, you can get help, and you can change. It’s super super difficult. But it’s possible
Your insight is so amazing and will be the true key to healing and working through your challenges. I am so proud of you for sharing this and understanding yourself - I really am. And you're right, it is super difficult to change and heal - but you can do it. Keep healing Ashley!! xo
Exactly what i said too! I have the same exact presentation! I am literally ALL of these subtypes, at different times for different situations, and then all together somehow too!! It's crazy! I thought i was doing better, and had everything under control, high functioning- all of the good stuff- and then out of no where i have these uncontrollable outbursts of anger- demeaning, rude, disrespectful and just mean- and it feels like there's someone else inside me controlling it and i can't hold back. Like its so weird bc in my head im screaming stop stop! Dont act like this, dont say anything- calm down- but my body just DOES IT and yells and says the most hurtful things. I just cant understand why this happens. Its so bad! But yea, even after a year of almost no major symptoms, now these have come back in a overpowering way and lead to a domino effect . I also can look back on my younger years and see myself as blaming everyone else and all that. Its just so weird.
Thank you for your comment…I can so relate to the contents. Just lost the plot this morning with my son and the guilt has guided me to these videos…thank you Dr Sage. Ps: until this morning I never heard of Eggshells parents…I guess silver lining for my bad parenting this morning 🙃
I haven’t spoken to my mother in about 4 years because she always let me down. For the longest time I always just thought she was a hardcore narcissists. Something about that diagnosis never felt right to me though. Thanks for helping me understand she probably has BPD. She absolutely inhabited each of these subtypes at different times. The waif drained me of all of my sympathy, but the witch is who I finally had to cut ties with. Edit: also no one EVER knew why our family had so many problems when everyone seemed so “normal” from the outside.
I guess I don't understand why people are so easy to cut ties with someone who is BPD rather than work things out with them. I have BPD and I often feel like people throw me away like yesterday's trash and I can never understand why. Yes, I am high functioning and most people don't evenn know, but I'm easy to just forget about, I feel like. I can't control I have this and have been in therapy for years. Would you do this if your mom were schizophrenic or bipolar? I'm just trying to understand - not being rude -- as to why it's not understood as a mental illness like other disorders.
@@allisonwest5393 Most of the time the partner of a person with BPD doesn't know their partners mental illness. Heck the person with BPD probably doesn't even know they have it. All the partner of the person with BPD knows is they are being torn apart one moment and loved another sometimes all within the same day rinse and repeat. To me a relationship with a BPD partner is like finding someone screaming for help in the middle of a fire. You jump in and try to save them all the while the BPD person is kicking and punching you. I hope that description makes you realize how it feels. Over time that kind of treatment can make the normal partner turn into a unemotional narcissist from the trauma.
My mum is high functioning, a monster behind closed doors. Though as she’s gotten older she has got worse, developing Munchausen’s and compulsive lying about things such as having cancer. She firmly puts herself in the victim role.
Haven't you considered that she might be a psychopath or sociopath? BPD alone doesn't create a scheming monster. There are high functioning sociopaths as well. ;) Hope you're doing ok.
My philosophy, those in therapy are often in therapy because of what they experienced from those who are convinced they are “perfectly normal”. They are then labeled with x/y/z disorder in order to make the “accusers” feel validated for their abuse toward the “nutter”.
For YEARS i had what i thought were panic attacks. I was diagnosed with GAD and Major Depression. It never seeme to get better. Turns out these were 'bpd episodes' or what i like to call 'tantrums/meltdowns' because i literally feel like a child when they happen. My emotions get so big i dont know what to do, so i hyperventilate, dissociate, cry, often hurt myself (bang my head, stamp my feet, thrash my body around) until it passes. It was terrifying. Thankfully after i reached 30 and with therapy these episodes are rare. The worst thing about having quiet/high functioning BPD i find it feeling like i invalidate my own experience all the time, because society/specialists always talk about how its a rage filled disorder with uncontrollable emotional outbursts. All of this happens on the INSIDE so nobody sees it but i still feel like im making it all up some days. Thank you for talking about the different types/experiences ❤❤
My mom has it and I think it's the queen to witch. I have BPD and OCD but I got treatment and I'm getting better. But my mother, she can't let anyone be happy
I am the quiet "high functional" and I feel I'm highly disfunctional in the corporate life. I try to hide it but I'm so socially anxious that even being so good in the day to day, I fail terribly at leading, so I'm stuck forever. It's heart breaking, it's heavy, it's hopeless. Dbt didn't do much to me, but a healthy relationship has been saving me
I am so sorry for all you struggle with, and it's so frustrating that we don't have better treatment and support/access. I know DBT can be helpful but certainly isn't the answer for everyone. I so appreciate you sharing - it's so good that you are in a healthy relationship and there can be so much healing in that...I wish you the best in your journey.
My ex-wife was diognosed BPD and ADHD. I had to end the marriage. Abuse, affairs, lies, threats of suicide, pleading me to stay, splitting, it's a nightmare for all involved.
And there’s no chance for resolving. They won’t get help and even if they do it’s about a 10-15 year commitment on their part and you def don’t wanna live through their trials and tribulations of therapy. What a waste of time. I thought I found my soulmate early on in our relationship but at the end of the day it was my biggest nightmare ever!
A GP AT hospital hinted that I might be borderline on m'y file. I cannot recognised any traits in my personality however... I might have to liste to dr sage. I have cptsd though. My attachement style is disorganised.
@@lilyjane1011 Hang in there; there are treatment options available. DBT yields excellent results. It is not uncommon for BPD to be diagnosed with PTSD/CPTSD. I do not think it is outside normal human behaviour for a person exposed to trauma to develop personality traits associated with BPD. That said, hopefully, you are free from the past life and no longer require the protective and defensive behaviour necessary in the past. I wish you all the best on your journey; never give up, and remember that you are not defined by your diagnosis.
I was in a relationship with a guy who has BPD. He has a serious volatile temper and outbursts. He would yell at me for just asking him a question or what he was doing. He was very verbally abusive when he was yelling at me calling me very bad names and putting the blame on me for making him mad. He was also unfaithful but would never admit it. He also would have highs and lows, one minute he's yelling the next he happy a skipping around the room. He also has depression moods and sleeps during that and doesn't want to be bothered. He also has social problems and avoids leaving the house until the people who live in the building aren't outside. He has Paranoia and thinks people are looking in windows and also listening to what he says. He would also say don't talk to him when people were there to listen in. He would also gaslight me and put the blame on me or say that he didn't do or say something that caused him to be mad and say I remembered it wrong or it was my fault. Now because I lived with him with his BPD for 12 years now I think that I was at fault and question my self because I have so much emotional damage. He made me believe it was all me. I'm trying to repair that damage he caused.
Thank you Theodore Millon, Ph.d. the 4 types. They function at different levels high functioning medium low functioning. So know it looks different in different people. (elicit rescue fantasies in therapist the marideth greys of the world- she one example).
This is the best video about bpd, and you're also the best one to describe it accurately. Everyone else describes us so crazy, they make us look absolutely terrible and just makes more stigma than understanding of us. They make us all feel crazy and not normal. But you make us feel normal and like we're just different and not crazy or anything negative.
Having had a few relationships with women that I now see were/are on the borderline/EUPD spectrum It's really warming to listen to your in-depth work on the subject told in a way that does not stigmatise the sufferers, which is unfortunately not too often the case else where online.
I am all of these. I was finally diagnosed in March 2021 and immediately was recognized as a severe case. I pass through all of these "subtypes" constantly.
With so many types and sub types of psychological labels, please can someone actually define “normal”. I have found normal is only defined within the boundaries of the current narrative of a situation. Normal is don’t hurt another and not expect them to retaliate. Normal is don’t consider an individual incompetent just because greed overtakes a need to steal their inheritance. It is normal to defend oneself, get angry and call out the incorrect actions. It is normal to feel betrayed especially when this is done to you by “family”. What was the normal definition of family, where blood is thicker than water holds no merit in this day and age. So please, someone define, what is normal and in what context within the current and ever changing, micro and macro societal narrative.
Oh my god, my mother is the hermit. She was always very paranoid. She would tell me that other people were making fun of me, and make me very self conscious. She would always say that she was “a little bit psychic.” Mostly she would just snoop and instead of confronting me about something she would just say she was psychic. Sometimes she would just completely make stuff up in order to make me self conscious, so she could control me. Also, god would tell her things. Growing up in a Christian community, it took me a long time to realize that god wasn’t telling her things, she was just paranoid. She would be very dramatic in warning me about stuff, and always thought the absolute worst in every given situation. This led me to be practically incapable of making decisions as an adult. Even something as simple as choosing between a blue or purple shirt felt like the end of the world, like there was a wrong answer and getting the color of shirt wrong would lead to catastrophic consequences. My mother was incredibly overbearing, and controlling. She was the only person who knew what was right, and everyone needed to follow her directions. There was never a simple conversation with her. She would be fine one minute and then flip on a dime, slap me full force across the face, and scream at what a disgusting human being I was. And just a soon as the meltdown started, she would snap back like nothing happened. Then she couldn’t understand why I wasn’t having a good time with her. It was impossible to have even a shallow surface relationship with her, because she wanted more, but it would only lead to more and more abuse. She refused to acknowledge her behavior outside of occasionally patting me on the head and saying, “ I know I can be hard to live with. Maybe we can try to be friends.” It’s completely bizarre how unstable she can be and have no awareness of it.
Hey!! is there any way you could add subtitles ?? (possibly in multiple languages) i think I had a breakthrough with my father about my mom but he doesn't speak English and I think him watching this video would really help! thank you so much :)
Dr. Sage, I have a question: my mom had BPD, narcissism and in my opinion psychopathic tendensies. She was sadistic and there were elements of incest. What i want to know is that there were what i call "night raids" almost every night where she would shout and rage and storm into my room and wake me up for various reason. This was as early as when i was 4 or 5 till 17. I didnt know what it was till i recently watchef Mommie Dearest and was shocked to see Christina Crawford also talking about night raids. Could you elaborate on that please? Why does it happen with BPD moms and why in the middle of the night?
Hi - thank you so much for sharing this part of your story - I am so sorry for your pain and struggle. It's hard to say without knowing all of the clinical and historical detail around why this could happen, but it does align with issues often related to trauma (both PTSD and CPTSD), rage, and emotional and relational instability, and dysregulation in BPD or NPD, and other more pathological issues related to a range of mental health challenges.... I can work on a video around the rage in BPD- which can be frequent and highly upsetting for everyone if that might help? Please take very good care of yourself🙏🏻🙏🏻💕💕
@@SunShine-xu5jb I do not remember which book I read this in, but that author suggested the person becomes emotionally dysregulated when the household has settled down for the night (the silence is deafening) and without distractions their unresolved traumas may try to bubble to the surface and they cannot handle the emotions and may believe child or partner did something to make them feel this way...or because all are in bed they feel abandoned and become dysregulated
I have more traits of bipolar but have been diagnosed with bpd. I was diagnosed in 5 minutes of meeting my therapist. I’ve spent 6 months in denial, I just can’t relate to this disorder.
Sam Vaknin, in a recent video said that people with BPD don't actually love and miss other people, they miss and love the service they get from other people, which is regulation. He says that one of the features of BPD is the inability to self-regulate, and they use other people for their regulation services. This rang true for me because my uBPD mother and uNPD father go through these cycles where they stop talking to each other, often for weeks at a time. During these periods, my mother will harass me, often multiple times a day, trying to get me to.......what I now understand is to validate or regulate her., because she is no longer getting that service from my father. As soon as they are talking again, she stops harassing me.
I don't think that is true. I do have BPD and I do love and miss people. But the second part about validation and regulation is true. I want to fix that.
When I read "Understanding the Borderline Mother", over 15 years ago, I finally saw my childhood laid out on paper. Instances that I thought were unique to my experience were not. It was immensely helpful. My mother did the best she could. She grew up in horrible abuse, and she tried to leave that behind. She was a hermit, and a queen. She was petulant, and explosive. I never knew who I was walking into. Was she in a good mood, or full of rage? I was told I was a horrible person, that I was ungrateful, selfish. I was screamed at. Things were thrown at me. I know that she was a person full of pain. I feel sad that she never healed, and was extremely unhappy.
I like that you separated Discouraged and Quiet. I've always been quiet, but I was definitely more discouraged when I was younger. I'm not really codependent anymore (I've honestly swung more towards avoidance) and I don't self-harm anymore (or hate myself). My mother is a narcissist and I'm almost positive that she's also borderline.
It was written to be read from a clinical audience not so much the average self help consumer. That book 100% saved my life though. It was literally the first time I found any validation for what I have lived.
Thanks for this information, I strongly believe my sister has this. I've been diagnosed with Ptsd, from her abusive nature that got physical. She's like the witch. She rages all the time. She tries to make me fear her. She's very territorial. She snaps at me from just breathing. Little things make her go off She also treats my mom the same way.
Please ik it’s hard but try to talk to ur sister about it bc I have bpd and ik I’ve hurt my family and I really wish we could talk so I could explain what’s in my head
So my mom was an untreated borderline. She’s 86 now with dimensia and eventually got the label. But can you be more than one type ? I feel like she’s wafe , hermit and self distructive ?
as i go through a year feels like i go around this circle flickering between two or 3 as the year completes haha. trying to find the core i know i can cope :,)
My daughter has BPD, I knew something was off since she was a young child but it wasn’t until her adolescent was it more prominent. She seems to be very impulsive but after listening to these categorized types I can see all of it in her. It’s hard to place her in just one.
It’s also important to remember men are diagnosable with BPD as well. I’ve dated a couple of men with BPD, as someone with BPD we tend to find others like ourselves. And they were both on different ends of the spectrum and they were both neurodivergent as well.
Wow, this is so helpful. When you talked about the hermit, my face was stuck in the 😬 position bc I was like holy crap that’s me to a T 😂. New sub ❤ looking forward to more. Great job on this video!!
I believe I have high functioning and quiet borderline and histrionics traits. I was raised by a NPD and ASPD and BPD father. I hate all my family they are all dysfunctional. I have contact with almost none. I also have ADHD and PTSD. I rage sometimes even if I don't want to, it's hard to realize the rage for me.
Your videos make me feel seen. 24 years old and finally realized I’m Autistic (PDA profile) & ADHD. My mother was a Borderline, bio father was a diagnosed malignant narcissist. Half sister (we share a mother) is Autistic too. Realized we inherited it from our mother whose autism was ignored. Likely how she developed BPD. I never felt any feeling of safety until I was an adult. At one point, she tried to kill me by choking me to death. Later she attempted suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning with the dogs & my sister in the home. My autism left me even further isolated from people so I lacked a support system in my childhood. Your family dynamics relate to mine so well that watching your videos are healing for me. Thank you for your raw honesty & communication!
For so long I didn’t understand what was wrong with my mother, I thought I was the problem. Some times I’d wake up having a normal day and then all of a sudden she’ll be like you look mean, why you look angry. When I’m not. Trying to tell me my emotions when it’s all just a projection. Most of it is always angry outbursts and it turns to be verbal abuse. I don’t know if she’s unaware or if it’s unconscious but I’m scared to tell her that she needs help or at least seek therapy
Not only that it’s an enmeshment relationship. Mother-Daughter. I never wanted this. Ever. I told that I’m going to be a dentist and she then told me she’s gonna be my assistant etc etc. just trying to place herself in whatever plans I have. So I’m not going to tell her anything anymore
It's not more important, and my channel is mostly for the children, as I am one too. But the challenge is that BPD has been so stigmatized that even clinicians have not been taught to identify or see it for what it is in the wide range of presentations - and so we miss the diagnosis too -and, the chance to maybe help parents (and thereby, their children) be safe and heal. At the core, it is a mental health issue and one that often comes from those with BPD having trauma themselves (though not exclusively) -and so I feel compelled to acknowledge the struggle. However, under no circumstances does that make the behavior/treatment ok - and I have found there are those with BPD who understand and work hard to change and who can heal and change - and those who were never diagnosed and/or never think it's their issue. So, in many cases, people learn that their parents had these issues, and understand why, but we still and must choose to disengage, go no contact, etc - because it hurts us too much and they won't change. I am trying to reach those of us raised by those who have/had BPD- first - to validate and support and highlight it was never our fault -- and hopefully, if someone with BPD hears that I have room to understand - but I am also being very clear that it's not ok and it hurts as children (and adults) ----maybe they will consider getting help, work to change, etc. But please know, your feelings matter to me, and as I said, more than you might know, because I lived it too. xo
I kind of had an emotional outbursts in the comments section on some of your other videos 😅 I'm a bpd mum and it can be hard to hear some parts of these. But this video has helped me see that you speak about all sides of it and that we aren't all just stereotypes and uncaring toward our children, so thank you.
I didn’t know about the quiet high functioning and hermit type. if I was told I had bpd I’d believe it now. The angry and impulsive type and the petulant/ histrionic sounds so much like my mother growing up. Since the pandemic my mom has been in her own world isolated and consumed with conspiracy theories.
May I just say that if you bothered to truly LISTEN to her so called Conspiracy Theories, you may well find some of them are not mere theories. There are many agendas in place now but most ppl have absolutely no idea of them yet they are there, hidden in plain sight. See facts, like the film.. Fluvid, & another.. Died Suddenly. On rumble or odyssey. After watching just those two short doco films, THEN you have at least shown her the respect not to simply dismiss her without checking for yourself first, as any rational person would.
I enjoyed hearing these subtypes but i have a hard time figuring out which one i am bc i am Literally all of them at different times or at different times in my life . I noticed my previous behavior growing up was definitely more of the blame everyone else for my problems side, but as ive grown older and had more self awareness from therapy, im not like that anymore, at least not all the time. I do revert back to these descriptions sometimes too though, which makes it more confusing. Im definitely interested to learn more, bc that's the only way I've been able to really learn about my behavior and try to change it.
The overlapping circles are very helpful. For people I’ve known with bpd traits, they tend to behave in ways that eventually place them in the outer edge of only one circle, though I see behaviors from all adjoining circles from time to time. You really need time to see these patterns emerge. Of course, without knowing what you are facing, these behaviors are confusing and hurtful at first. Information like this is very helpful, because it allows you to step back and see the person and the behavior separately and helps you feel compassion. As you often say, we need to know what we’re up against and protect ourselves, but we can be both firm and kind and remain true to ourselves in the process. Thank you for doing this research and sharing it with us. Your work is a godsend.
Thank you for this content. Many of these symptoms are the symptoms of the person who is being abused, especially covertly emotionally abused let’s say by Machiavellian husband. Often in these combinations where mother and children have been emotionally abused wolf in the sheep clothing type-child grows up believing that everything has been BPD mom’s fault- as it’s so much harder to recognize and face horrific consequences of intentional emotional abuse for trauma bonded victim.
I find the overlap in different diagnoses a bit confusing at times, it can be difficult to tease them out I think, that's why it takes someone trained in the field to identify. It also seems that trauma is at the foundation of so many conditions.
I'm reading through the comments. Haven't even watched the video yet. What jumps out at me is the level of self awareness or I'm going to suggest something I do & I think it's a bpd trait, I think. I know I am almost paranoid about having blind spots. So I try everything on & often things fit, but then I don't know if I'm over analyzing,etc. I go round & round in my head. I have ADHD, Cptsd, Addiction ( currently in recovery) Anxiety & panick disorder. I suspect I have some form of BPD & keep meaning to bring it up to my therapist. Maybe one of the reasons it doesn't jump out at him is maybe I have times of high functioning? I know when I'm using I'm like another person. A total train wreck.....
Can you delve more into the Depressive/Internalized BPD? I was told the 4 is: Quiet (still high functioning), Petulant, Angry/Impulsive and the fourth, Depressive/Internalized (not very functional). What kind of therapy works for Depressive/Internalized?
Idk this is the problem with psychology, i feel like all these types encompass probably 50% of people in the United States from time to time or at different points in their lives, especially when you start sprinkling in "high functioning " types, we need to limit these heavy diagnoses to be who's lives are completely crippled by by what is considered a severe personality disorder. I am currently in a long term relationship with someone who has several of these traits, hyper clingy, paranoid thinking everyone hates her, constantly asking if i hate her or am bothered by her, shes nearly incapable of letting her guard down in a social situation and always leaves a social gathering with a bunch of negative critiques of everyone involved or thinks everyone hated her, hyper possessive of her stuff but expects to share everything of mine, like literally takes my clothes and wears them, occasional rage fits with regression then severe guilt afterwards etc... but overall she can function as an adult, is mostly caring, she cycles in and out like bi monthly. With this breakdown you've done here i feel like you just captured like 80% of the people in my life, it honeslty makes me paranoid, we gotta get more precise diagnosis, not these ephemeral clouds of dozens if not hundreds of symptom spheres otherwise you just captured the entire population into a diagnostic net.
Can you be a mix of a couple of them because I'm definitely quiet/high functioning but I have a lot of depressive traits as well. I'd be in the waif category.
My mother was the witch and I would never want to go back and spend 1 more minute in that house. When I was small, my mother used to pinch me and tell me that pinching causes cancer and when she was dying of cancer, she wished it on me. I figured out that my mother was my enemy and not to be trusted even when she was being nice.
0:17 Disclaimers / Defusing / Who this is for 2:49 Clarifications; 3:30 BORDERLINE MOMS: 8:42 IMAGE “Borderline Moms” 4:50 Waif, Hermit, Witch, Queen (fantasy vibe/texture/feeling) 6:10 - WAIF: frail, easily wounded, hard time having deep social relationships, victim mentalaity; “no real role over what happens to them the world is happening TO them”. -As Parent: permissive, cry rather than rage -Anxiety, Depression, Internalizing, High/Low Functioning 6:58 - QUEEN: over the top, charismatic, demanding, domineering, controlling, self-assured, hard time managing anger, rageful, dramatic, histrionic, world functions to serve their purpose -As Parent: no boundaries, kids need to see the world the way they do, -Entitiled (attempt to be powerful over the wound) 7:43 - HERMIT: fearful, paranoid, afraid of the world, more negatively wired, worse-case-scenarios, phobias, superstitions, outward anger to silent treatment, suseptable to conspiracy theories, psychic (just knows). 8:14 - WITCH: exascerbation of all types (enraged phase), the ‘hardcore’ BPD symptomotology, intention is to wound/hurt, little to no self-control, classic outward hurtful behaviours, lots of conflict, vindictiveness, domineering, use shame/embarassement as parenting tool. 8:58 FIVE SUBTYPES 9:05 IMAGE “BPD Core Traits” 1. DISCOURAGED (usually called ‘High Functioning’ or [5.] ‘QUIET Borderline’, but “I think [these] are not the same [… but a] 5th [Subtype]”) 12:18 Clingy presenting; co-dependant (want but fears being alone), negative world view, need acceptance, prone to depression, self-harm (on edge with self/other relationships) 2. IMPULSIVE / Angry / Externalizing 3. PETULANT / Histrionic 4. SELF-DESTRUCTIVE / Depressive / Internalizing 9:49 5. QUIET / High-Functioning: Classic internalized expression of BPD, ‘High Functioning’ because wounds don’t ‘appear’ anywhere (Seems fine but not to themselves or those close to them) 10:13 IMAGE “Quiet/High Functioning BPD Subtype” - more Waife presenting; inward, unseen unhealthy coping, low self-worth, blame themselves, set up the world where shit just happens to them, must carry the weight themselves, isolate from the overwhelm (connection with the world on a deeper level), Push/Pull for and against having relationships (Splitting: want but scared), confused about self, hide and suppress anger (seething; near boil; simmering wound; can’t see the heat on the surface), anger not expressed/ or only at home; family experience it intensely. - more often missed; they can check the boxes, get things done (not always great, but ‘seems fine’)
This is so informative thank you Dr Sage. With the term "narcissistic abuse" does that apply to "victims" of BPD abuse as well, or is there another term?
Are these Millons types? Quiet Petulant Angry child ? I think my mother who had 12 babies. It seems she was soothed by the baby but she didn't like toddlers as much. Because of their ability to create conflict.
I get extremely enraged when my BPD mother questions me or calls me. Why is this? I’m sure there’s an easy explanation but it seems so complicated and I feel horrible for feeling the way I do
Oh Goodness ! I didn’t know there were so many bpd traits out there. I have learned so much with you. I find myself having some of this traits only during my TOM(hormonal) That’s that mean I have BPD?
Having traits during hormonal times may be more related to PMDD www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder-pmdd. - though I could not diagnose obviously! Either way, getting help and an assessment/treatment is always a good idea when possible as PMDD can be extremely challenging. BPD is a personality disorder so it's like the skin wrapped around our body - we can't change it - unlike clothes we might change - if that makes sense. :).
I was married to an Amber Heard for 14 years. She was sweet and love bombed me until she was sure I was 100% locked down which I was. It was like hot and cold. One minute everything was fine. The second we were alone and she was in a mood she turned into a homicidal demon. When she was back to normal I was supposed to forget about everything that happened when she was in a mood. I was always tying to “repair the relationship” I spent tens of thousand of dollars on counselors and psychologists and eventually they told me there’s nothing anyone can do to change a borderline. I felt like I was in a 14 year long breakup cycle. I would get her back to normal and everything would seem ok until I thought I might have a normal life and be able to trust her. Then it would happen again worse than ever. She would show up at my job site and make a scene, try and publicly humiliate me, she wouldn’t care if it caused my customers to cancel my projects even though it was how her bills were going to be payed. I was hoping for a miracle and it never happened. She would physically attack me and injure me if I said something she didn’t agree with. When I tried to get away from flailing with weapons, she said I was “running from my responsibilities” and would try to kill me literally, for trying to leave a volatile situation where she was acting like a crazy person with a knife, a glass jar or anything she could use. . This happened 8 or 10 times per year for 9 years and I often had to work with broken bones, black eyes and other injuries. If I told her the injuries were making me not be able to trust her she said I was being a baby and she can’t stand me.The last five years we spent less time together but I have permanent scars and injuries from those years too. The only reason I didn’t separate was religion. I thought God was going to change it all and reward me for passing the test where I endured persecution and remained faithful like Job. Now we’re divorced. I’m much happier. I lost my religion because of it. It’s peaceful, I no longer believe in hell, God or magic. A little lonely but not enough to want to relive that nightmare again. My best friend is my 16 yr old daughter who said I was her “favorite person in the whole world.” If I find a woman someday I would be happy about it but I’ve resigned myself to whatever my future holds. I’ve already raised 2 kids though at 45 it’s still 100% possible to start another family and have another chance so hopefully that’s what happens. I’m still youthful and fairly good looking though I would need to find a woman young enough to have children who wants them with me. It’s a tall order. Easier when I was 26 and would have gone for any woman who would be my girlfriend.
Why do you want another family? You need to heal and be alone far awhile. Don't rush into another serious relationship until you have done the work. She sounds like she is possessed. Just saying..
@@jessicahitchens6926 I would only want another family if I found an old fashioned woman who was loyal, hasn’t slept with more than 4 men, ( having slept with 6 or more guarantees she will not be able to pair bond and is probably and alpha widow who will never be happy,) under 30 and even tempered. I would need to be financially set for life which I’m working on. The women I interact with are still mentally children at 30. Slept with dozens of men and are not loyal. Not ready to grow up or have kids. They would abort any pregnancy as a matter of principle and think they will settle down in their 40’s and start a family then. They don’t understand how biology works with the ideal age to have children is 18 to 34 with 34 being the first year a woman has reduced fertility. After 35 a pregnancy is called a geriatric pregnancy and much more risky for the mother and the baby. This is why only 50 years ago people were engaged at 17 or 18 and married with kids at 20 or so to your high school sweetheart. This meant you marry a virgin who will most likely be loyal, see one more generation of grandchildren in your lifetime than if you start a family at 30 and your kids will be out of the house when you’re about 40. The new generation of women have not realized this and don’t get it until it’s too late and they can’t find a man at 40. They also don’t understand the quality of a man they can attract at 18 - 23 is much higher than the quality they will be able to attract at 30 or older. This is because men know the fertility window of a potential mate and to give our children the best chance at survival we need a heathy woman who has enough time to make a family before she’s too old. If I marry a 34 year old and it takes 3 years to conceive, there’s only time for her to have one child and she will probably not be interested in having more when she’s 38 or 40. I probably won’t be able to start another family in my lifetime because of those reasons. Right now I’m dating because I enjoy the company of women and don’t have much hope to find one I would settle down and start a family with. The culture is not conducive to stable relationships anymore. I actually thought my Ex was an old fashioned woman who wanted that kind of life until a couple of years into the relationship when she dropped the facade and became a full time modern nightmare. Borderline Personality Disorder can be dormant and surface when life gets stressful. 85% of divorce is initiated by the woman so if I don’t get a family, don’t get loyalty, get a woman after she’s been ran through by Chad and Tyrone plus half the town and is alpha widowed, will probably be served divorce papers and have my life ruined for the second time and have to start over in 12 years. I don’t see it happening and it’s not worth it. I’m over the ex wife now it’s been 5 years since the divorce and I’m happy just being alone or dating for fun. These women aren’t serious. They say they want a husband but they’re not happy, think finding a man will make them happy but they’re not going to be happy no matter what. As soon as they get married they will try and run the man’s life and change him into someone else. Men always complain that they married a happy normal woman and she changes into a nightmare and women always complain that they married a man and he won’t change. We don’t change. I’m the same as I was when I was 20. I like the same things and like having fun and treating my family with kindness. Women seem to change into ungrateful, entitled brats and attempt make men unhappy until they change. Which we won’t so they will continue to be unhappy until they file for divorce and secretly knew they would likely end up divorcing anyway and will be rewarded with cash and prizes. It’s a bad situation for us and our hard work isn’t rewarded, we’re punished for it. I had to work out of town sometimes when I was married and after the divorce I learned she was cheating on me every time I left town. She had been for years and justified it because I was out of town and “ wasn’t taking care of her needs.” When I was supporting her by giving her 100% of my income and working 70 hours a week.
Do most people fall neatly into these categories or is it more common that someone can have traits from different categories. For example quiet bpd but self harming when under stress etc.
How does one in a romantic relationship with a bpd patient control their actions so as not to be a "trigger" ? My every action seems to trigger an episode and I feel like I might be losing myself in all of it.
Is it possible to be multiple types of BPD throughout your life? I'd absolutely consider myself a quiet borderline, but ~15 years ago, I was way less isolated, much more impulsive and self-destructive. I think I'd still have the same quality of exhausting, explosive relationships if I wasn't basically living on the moon, but I'm so terrified of being abandoned that my need for affection and attention has been way overshadowed.
confused... I have mostly the traits of the waif AND the witch. But maybe it is because I have been raised in very different manners? My mom has NPD and father with ASPD , all I saw was the war between those to people. But then, I can consider my father as some kind of a hippie that teached me psychology and love? I was teached with the intention to become SO great and big in terms of my social name that when I was questioned how I became it I would mention my father. This is what he told me. And in result he spent some time on my learning(reading books on philosophy, psychology, talking about love)... So can this result in waif/witch?
I still don't quite get it. My grandmother was abusive to my mother. It's just a hunch, but maybe some jealousy there... who knows. My mother was extremely sensitive, as am I. She felt the need to please, say, her mother, but she wasn't a fan of her mother. She felt a sense of duty. My mother grew up to be, what I still call, nuts. I remember the butcher knife coming out at me when I was maybe 6? I was never afraid. She just looked crazy to me. When I was maybe 4, she beat me from head to toe with an old fashioned 1960s nylon bristled hair brush. Having allergies and asthma, I turned into one big hive, ahhhhh but she didn't take me to the ER. She broke down crying and hugging me, telling me she was sorry. I remember crying when she she was swatting me, and I calmed down when she hugged me. #nuts At about age 10-13, like other kids, I became embarrassed of my mother. She didn't like that at all. She got worse, screaming over such insignificant things... I mean, she may have had a point, but the hours of screaming were no solution. Everyone was to blame, mostly me, but there was my dad, Hilda, Anita, her sister, Toni Rand, Vivian, her mother, my paternal grandmother... ha haaaaaaaaaaa What a laugh! She was pretty and worked in the local fashion shops. She looked like a movie star. She attracted men like bees to honey, sort of unintentionally. Men never saw this side, except dad. I told him later in life. He didn't know what to do. I had figured out that she was nuts, and moved out fairly young. She still insulted me, but I didn't have to live with it. She died of a heart attack aged 62.
Yeah! My sadistic BPD mother committed violent sexual crimes against me and physically and psychologically tortured me as a child. There are supposed to be laws against child abuse, but she got away with it all…..why so much sympathy for child abusers? :(
As a victim, who ended up with some bpd traits, I don't find it invalidating either way. The stigma is true, but I find it necessary to know how they work in order to heal from the abuse. To know their pain was theirs, and they put it on me and it was not my fault. And I have to understand that my actions are likely to be hurtful and agressive when I'm raging, so I have to go do something else instead of acting out like I want to. And I have to remind myself constantly that I am safe and that I am loved, and that if anyone leaves me, i will respect their decision even if im screaming inside because its their life and they deserve to live how they want. The "stigma" I think goes for people who are trying to heal. I don't abuse, but if I told someone I have bpd traits, I don't think being immediately considered an abuser is healthy. Abuse is at the fault of the perpetrator not dealing with their emotions in healthy ways, not because of their disease. No disease or disorder means inherently that someone will abuse.
@@jorydillard3766Thsts on being a bad person people will bpd still have the mental capacity to not do those crimes also you cant say all people with bpd deserve to be stigmatized some people with bpd internalize it they self harm why would you stigmatize the abuser does it help you heal from the abuse ? A better alternative would be healing bpd is thankfully treatable unlike narcissistic personality disorder there’s no discovered treatment
I have bpd traits and I find I went through different types of bpd. I’m working very hard to get this under control. I think the best things that happen to me was having my behavior shown to my face. I call my bpd my little child inside because that’s exactly how I act when I’m having a bpd episode. Like a hurt immature child. I try to get her together and let her know she will not ruine my life or become my mother. As I’m getting older it’s getting better.
Thank you
Good for you for taking care of your health and taking responsibility! That’s awesome!
Thats a beautiful level of self awareness. I always thought the triggered borderlines around me acted like hurt children would. Little child is a lovely way to put it. good luck with healing
You're a freakin' badass for putting your mental health first and for really being honest with yourself and radically accepting yourself as you are 🌻
You are walking a path of extreme courage! I am impressed by you and send love and wishes for your complete healing💕
I am currently in a relationship with someone who has BPD. And she's all over the board as far as these types go. I've seen many videos that tell people just to basically chalk that relationship up is a loss..
I've had my own fair share of faulty coping mechanisms and a traumatic past. But I have since overcome a great majority of that. It's a lifelong process but I feel like I'm definitely on the right path now. That being said I'm holding out a lot of hope for my significant other and I feel like I have the patience to handle it. And through videos like this I'm getting the tools to do so as well. I'm just hoping I'm able to gently make her aware of her situation and be supportive and help her long the path if she lets me.
I am by no means perfect. But I strive to be better than I was the day before every day. Like every human I may slip from time to time. But my experiences should help me in helping others overcome their past issues.
All that being said. Thank you for taking the time to post these videos and share them with the world. I really appreciate it.
My mother was very bpd--she died nearly 14 years ago at age 84. I, fortunately, did not inherit the problems, but I have a lot of issues as a child who endured constant criticism, shaming, and her histrionic behavior. I have struggled for years to overcome the legacy of this.
In a way it sounds like you did indeed inherit her problems. Perhaps not genetically but due to her poor skills.
I had very similar experiences. I feel your pain.
All of these sound like my mom under different circumstances and at different times in my life. She was a good mother though she was crazy but she was good to me she always apologized and held herself accountable for her rage and she cleaned up her act enough to get me whatever I needed. When I came of age I could see the pain and the loneliness and that she didn’t want me to go. Her mom, my grandmother was a REAL piece of work if she had raised me I’d be a little off too.
Apology? What’s that? Lol
@@billyb4790did you just try to make this comment about yourself?
@@billyb4790did you just try to make this comment about yourself?
@@rudeboyjim2684 no. I'm speaking sarcastically about my own mother. She'd never apologize even if it saved her life.
@@billyb4790 you completely ignored everything in the comment to make it about you and your mother, but that’s cool. Sorry your mom didn’t apologize, that sucks
Another very helpful video thank you Dr Sage. My mum was witch/queen/petulant/histrionic/extravert. She was terrifying but could be so charming. No one believed us when we tried to get help but there wasn't much help available in the 1970s-90s.
I really can’t tell if my mother is high functioning bpd or also a cptsd/ptsd case. She externalises anger and goes into dissociative rages where she can be really hurtful. But when she’s good, she’s good. She’s supportive, understanding. She can also be very vulnerable. I feel like she swings between discouraged and internalising and externalising and impulsive. Whatever it is, I have cptsd bc of it, and I have no idea how to navigate my relationship with her now.
By the sounds of things that borderline (in my humble opinion i am no professional) someone w cptsd wouldnt black out emotionally& struggles to show vulnerability
Im sorry. Your mom sounds like me and i love my daughter so much it like being at war with myself. I am in 2 types of therapy currently including family therapy with my daughter. If she is like me she loves you so much it kills her inside when she hurts you but she feels so out of control it sometimes feels hopeless. That is my experience anyway. I hope that you both get what you need.
This somehow resembles my past relationship with mum.
I am actually not even sure if maybe she is more leaning towards bipolar or comorbid .... I just know it was more than a rollercoaster.
I left home at round 19.
Never to move back in.
Now I'm living on another continent and married with kids.
Every time I call her I still get for that split second a feeling in my stomach whereby I remind myself hey, your 48 and not 15 anymore.
I genuinely do feel sorry for her because I believe she had her full load of struggles all her life (health-wise and relationships) which prbly were a result of generational passed down trauma.
I would like to look after her as she is getting older but ..... spending too much time with her still throws me back some 30 years and I still have the same responses to certain situations like back then.
Just recently I started to "speak up" about my failure at school.
She keeps on bringing up the subject (even with my kids when we go on holidays visiting her, plus some very embarrassing incidents from my teen years) "jokingly" and I told her mum, I was never really interested in going to uni.
Her response??
She at first doesn't even listen to what I say and just continues to talk until I repeat the same sentence maybe three times. Then she would say no, you just didn't want to learn.
Its very heartbreaking. You want to tell your mum from the bottom of your heart that u love her bit many times it feels like it'sjust an automatic reply to her.
Unfortunately I became this avoidant, emotionally absent parent Dr Sage was mentioning and it did had a big negative impact on esp two of my three kids.
Would I have had kids 27 years ago had I known that I'm mentally not ready? Of course not!
I would have loved to have known all this information back then and would have searched on how to heal myself before having kids.
Throughout all these years there was always this internal suffering which I didn't know from where it stemmed up until about a year ago....
I wish for you healing and for all those suffering and living with confusion about their own selves!
P.s it's this vulnerability which always got the better of me. And it somehow internalised in me that I am responsible or part of it for her suffering.
Same with my mom 💔
@@Stillprilgood for you for taking responsibility and going to therapy for yourself and your daughter. I’m sure better days are ahead for you both. Not many moms will do this.
Have you ever had so nuch to say, but no words with which to speak ? I’ve only just started to take my hurts seriously, & it’s the end of my life !! The language you use, the calm assurance you give. You are the person i needed most my whole life !! My heart feelsas if it were raw meat. You’re showing me ways to heal my heart!!! Do you understand what a gift of hope you’ve given me already ??? Dr Kim Sage???
Watching this video has made me realize that I feel as if different times of my life my BPD will come out differently. I’m a lot petulant/histrionic. But other times when I feel I haven’t been triggered in a while or it’s maybe calmed down, I’m mostly quiet. But then a big thing of rejection happens, or loss, and BAM. I become the witch and I’m so confused. Like my whole personality from a week prior just changes. And I’m like... raging and raging and can’t stop. I get this thing I call aggressive entitlement. But I feel so shameful when I see how it affects people and I tend to self destruct. I may not be making sense but thank you for this video. I feel I may represent all the subtypes depending on what’s going on in my life, who I’m around, and what I’m going through. And I also see this not just in myself, but in others in my family as well. This was super helpful. And I also realize that once you see these in yourself, you can get help, and you can change. It’s super super difficult. But it’s possible
Your insight is so amazing and will be the true key to healing and working through your challenges. I am so proud of you for sharing this and understanding yourself - I really am. And you're right, it is super difficult to change and heal - but you can do it. Keep healing Ashley!! xo
Exactly what i said too! I have the same exact presentation! I am literally ALL of these subtypes, at different times for different situations, and then all together somehow too!! It's crazy! I thought i was doing better, and had everything under control, high functioning- all of the good stuff- and then out of no where i have these uncontrollable outbursts of anger- demeaning, rude, disrespectful and just mean- and it feels like there's someone else inside me controlling it and i can't hold back. Like its so weird bc in my head im screaming stop stop! Dont act like this, dont say anything- calm down- but my body just DOES IT and yells and says the most hurtful things. I just cant understand why this happens. Its so bad! But yea, even after a year of almost no major symptoms, now these have come back in a overpowering way and lead to a domino effect . I also can look back on my younger years and see myself as blaming everyone else and all that. Its just so weird.
Thank you for your comment…I can so relate to the contents. Just lost the plot this morning with my son and the guilt has guided me to these videos…thank you Dr Sage. Ps: until this morning I never heard of Eggshells parents…I guess silver lining for my bad parenting this morning 🙃
I haven’t spoken to my mother in about 4 years because she always let me down. For the longest time I always just thought she was a hardcore narcissists. Something about that diagnosis never felt right to me though. Thanks for helping me understand she probably has BPD. She absolutely inhabited each of these subtypes at different times. The waif drained me of all of my sympathy, but the witch is who I finally had to cut ties with. Edit: also no one EVER knew why our family had so many problems when everyone seemed so “normal” from the outside.
Same here!
I guess I don't understand why people are so easy to cut ties with someone who is BPD rather than work things out with them. I have BPD and I often feel like people throw me away like yesterday's trash and I can never understand why. Yes, I am high functioning and most people don't evenn know, but I'm easy to just forget about, I feel like. I can't control I have this and have been in therapy for years. Would you do this if your mom were schizophrenic or bipolar? I'm just trying to understand - not being rude -- as to why it's not understood as a mental illness like other disorders.
@@allisonwest5393
•Decades of emotional and verbal abuse
•The Jekyll and Hyde is too extreme to be around my children
@@allisonwest5393 Most of the time the partner of a person with BPD doesn't know their partners mental illness. Heck the person with BPD probably doesn't even know they have it. All the partner of the person with BPD knows is they are being torn apart one moment and loved another sometimes all within the same day rinse and repeat. To me a relationship with a BPD partner is like finding someone screaming for help in the middle of a fire. You jump in and try to save them all the while the BPD person is kicking and punching you. I hope that description makes you realize how it feels. Over time that kind of treatment can make the normal partner turn into a unemotional narcissist from the trauma.
watch her videos on mother wound, a cptsd vs bpd, they're super useful.
My mum is high functioning, a monster behind closed doors. Though as she’s gotten older she has got worse, developing Munchausen’s and compulsive lying about things such as having cancer. She firmly puts herself in the victim role.
I'm so sorry! I can relate.
Haven't you considered that she might be a psychopath or sociopath? BPD alone doesn't create a scheming monster. There are high functioning sociopaths as well. ;) Hope you're doing ok.
Sadly I can also relate. Trying to NOT be like that and heal from this.
This sounds like NPD, not (just) BPD.
My philosophy, those in therapy are often in therapy because of what they experienced from those who are convinced they are “perfectly normal”. They are then labeled with x/y/z disorder in order to make the “accusers” feel validated for their abuse toward the “nutter”.
are you in therapy, Mitch?
If you Ever meet somebody who clinically is diagnosed with BPD or any Cluster B Personality disorder your philosophy will not apply.
don't forget projection. My mother was everything she beat me for.
For YEARS i had what i thought were panic attacks. I was diagnosed with GAD and Major Depression. It never seeme to get better. Turns out these were 'bpd episodes' or what i like to call 'tantrums/meltdowns' because i literally feel like a child when they happen. My emotions get so big i dont know what to do, so i hyperventilate, dissociate, cry, often hurt myself (bang my head, stamp my feet, thrash my body around) until it passes. It was terrifying.
Thankfully after i reached 30 and with therapy these episodes are rare. The worst thing about having quiet/high functioning BPD i find it feeling like i invalidate my own experience all the time, because society/specialists always talk about how its a rage filled disorder with uncontrollable emotional outbursts. All of this happens on the INSIDE so nobody sees it but i still feel like im making it all up some days.
Thank you for talking about the different types/experiences ❤❤
My mom has it and I think it's the queen to witch. I have BPD and OCD but I got treatment and I'm getting better. But my mother, she can't let anyone be happy
I am the quiet "high functional" and I feel I'm highly disfunctional in the corporate life. I try to hide it but I'm so socially anxious that even being so good in the day to day, I fail terribly at leading, so I'm stuck forever. It's heart breaking, it's heavy, it's hopeless. Dbt didn't do much to me, but a healthy relationship has been saving me
I am so sorry for all you struggle with, and it's so frustrating that we don't have better treatment and support/access. I know DBT can be helpful but certainly isn't the answer for everyone. I so appreciate you sharing - it's so good that you are in a healthy relationship and there can be so much healing in that...I wish you the best in your journey.
Intriguing. As a hermit/waif raised by a queen, this is pretty accurate.
My ex-wife was diognosed BPD and ADHD. I had to end the marriage. Abuse, affairs, lies, threats of suicide, pleading me to stay, splitting, it's a nightmare for all involved.
Been there. Absolute nightmare.
This is why I refuse to get into any relationship. I don’t want to put anyone through that.
And there’s no chance for resolving. They won’t get help and even if they do it’s about a 10-15 year commitment on their part and you def don’t wanna live through their trials and tribulations of therapy. What a waste of time. I thought I found my soulmate early on in our relationship but at the end of the day it was my biggest nightmare ever!
A GP AT hospital hinted that I might be borderline on m'y file. I cannot recognised any traits in my personality however... I might have to liste to dr sage. I have cptsd though. My attachement style is disorganised.
@@lilyjane1011 Hang in there; there are treatment options available. DBT yields excellent results. It is not uncommon for BPD to be diagnosed with PTSD/CPTSD.
I do not think it is outside normal human behaviour for a person exposed to trauma to develop personality traits associated with BPD. That said, hopefully, you are free from the past life and no longer require the protective and defensive behaviour necessary in the past. I wish you all the best on your journey; never give up, and remember that you are not defined by your diagnosis.
I was in a relationship with a guy who has BPD. He has a serious volatile temper and outbursts. He would yell at me for just asking him a question or what he was doing. He was very verbally abusive when he was yelling at me calling me very bad names and putting the blame on me for making him mad. He was also unfaithful but would never admit it. He also would have highs and lows, one minute he's yelling the next he happy a skipping around the room. He also has depression moods and sleeps during that and doesn't want to be bothered. He also has social problems and avoids leaving the house until the people who live in the building aren't outside. He has Paranoia and thinks people are looking in windows and also listening to what he says. He would also say don't talk to him when people were there to listen in. He would also gaslight me and put the blame on me or say that he didn't do or say something that caused him to be mad and say I remembered it wrong or it was my fault. Now because I lived with him with his BPD for 12 years now I think that I was at fault and question my self because I have so much emotional damage. He made me believe it was all me. I'm trying to repair that damage he caused.
Thank you Theodore Millon, Ph.d. the 4 types. They function at different levels high functioning medium low functioning. So know it looks different in different people. (elicit rescue fantasies in therapist the marideth greys of the world- she one example).
This is the best video about bpd, and you're also the best one to describe it accurately. Everyone else describes us so crazy, they make us look absolutely terrible and just makes more stigma than understanding of us. They make us all feel crazy and not normal. But you make us feel normal and like we're just different and not crazy or anything negative.
I appreciate the relaxing music in the background of these videos. It is helpful when talking about really emotional subjects. Thanks
Having had a few relationships with women that I now see were/are on the borderline/EUPD spectrum It's really warming to listen to your in-depth work on the subject told in a way that does not stigmatise the sufferers, which is unfortunately not too often the case else where online.
I am all of these. I was finally diagnosed in March 2021 and immediately was recognized as a severe case. I pass through all of these "subtypes" constantly.
@@EnchanterBitter diet and exercise..... gi tract issues?
@@EnchanterBitter very low sugar carb diet
You've described aspects of personality that everyone in the world expresses at some time or another.
With so many types and sub types of psychological labels, please can someone actually define “normal”. I have found normal is only defined within the boundaries of the current narrative of a situation. Normal is don’t hurt another and not expect them to retaliate. Normal is don’t consider an individual incompetent just because greed overtakes a need to steal their inheritance. It is normal to defend oneself, get angry and call out the incorrect actions. It is normal to feel betrayed especially when this is done to you by “family”. What was the normal definition of family, where blood is thicker than water holds no merit in this day and age. So please, someone define, what is normal and in what context within the current and ever changing, micro and macro societal narrative.
Your videos are helping me to understand my BPD friend/colleague. Thank you.
My mom is the hermit but turns into the classic witch when she rages.
Same for my mother!
Yup
Oh my god, my mother is the hermit. She was always very paranoid. She would tell me that other people were making fun of me, and make me very self conscious. She would always say that she was “a little bit psychic.” Mostly she would just snoop and instead of confronting me about something she would just say she was psychic. Sometimes she would just completely make stuff up in order to make me self conscious, so she could control me. Also, god would tell her things. Growing up in a Christian community, it took me a long time to realize that god wasn’t telling her things, she was just paranoid. She would be very dramatic in warning me about stuff, and always thought the absolute worst in every given situation. This led me to be practically incapable of making decisions as an adult. Even something as simple as choosing between a blue or purple shirt felt like the end of the world, like there was a wrong answer and getting the color of shirt wrong would lead to catastrophic consequences. My mother was incredibly overbearing, and controlling. She was the only person who knew what was right, and everyone needed to follow her directions. There was never a simple conversation with her. She would be fine one minute and then flip on a dime, slap me full force across the face, and scream at what a disgusting human being I was. And just a soon as the meltdown started, she would snap back like nothing happened. Then she couldn’t understand why I wasn’t having a good time with her. It was impossible to have even a shallow surface relationship with her, because she wanted more, but it would only lead to more and more abuse. She refused to acknowledge her behavior outside of occasionally patting me on the head and saying, “ I know I can be hard to live with. Maybe we can try to be friends.” It’s completely bizarre how unstable she can be and have no awareness of it.
Hey!! is there any way you could add subtitles ?? (possibly in multiple languages) i think I had a breakthrough with my father about my mom but he doesn't speak English and I think him watching this video would really help! thank you so much :)
Very well done. Helpful. I did wonder while watching if it too much for one video. Thank you.
Dr. Sage, I have a question: my mom had BPD, narcissism and in my opinion psychopathic tendensies. She was sadistic and there were elements of incest. What i want to know is that there were what i call "night raids" almost every night where she would shout and rage and storm into my room and wake me up for various reason. This was as early as when i was 4 or 5 till 17. I didnt know what it was till i recently watchef Mommie Dearest and was shocked to see Christina Crawford also talking about night raids. Could you elaborate on that please? Why does it happen with BPD moms and why in the middle of the night?
Hi - thank you so much for sharing this part of your story - I am so sorry for your pain and struggle. It's hard to say without knowing all of the clinical and historical detail around why this could happen, but it does align with issues often related to trauma (both PTSD and CPTSD), rage, and emotional and relational instability, and dysregulation in BPD or NPD, and other more pathological issues related to a range of mental health challenges.... I can work on a video around the rage in BPD- which can be frequent and highly upsetting for everyone if that might help?
Please take very good care of yourself🙏🏻🙏🏻💕💕
@@DrKimSage Thank you for your kind response and for your compassion. Yes a video on BPD rage could be useful. Thank you Dr. Sage.
@@SunShine-xu5jb I do not remember which book I read this in, but that author suggested the person becomes emotionally dysregulated when the household has settled down for the night (the silence is deafening) and without distractions their unresolved traumas may try to bubble to the surface and they cannot handle the emotions and may believe child or partner did something to make them feel this way...or because all are in bed they feel abandoned and become dysregulated
@@AG-lx6re Wow! I experienced the night rages by my mother a lot as a child too and this explanation is really interesting and feels spot on to me.
I have more traits of bipolar but have been diagnosed with bpd. I was diagnosed in 5 minutes of meeting my therapist. I’ve spent 6 months in denial, I just can’t relate to this disorder.
Sam Vaknin, in a recent video said that people with BPD don't actually love and miss other people, they miss and love the service they get from other people, which is regulation. He says that one of the features of BPD is the inability to self-regulate, and they use other people for their regulation services. This rang true for me because my uBPD mother and uNPD father go through these cycles where they stop talking to each other, often for weeks at a time. During these periods, my mother will harass me, often multiple times a day, trying to get me to.......what I now understand is to validate or regulate her., because she is no longer getting that service from my father. As soon as they are talking again, she stops harassing me.
I don't think that is true. I do have BPD and I do love and miss people. But the second part about validation and regulation is true. I want to fix that.
Very insightful, best BPD video I've seen!
Dr Sage you're Beautiful and Briliant. Thanks for sharing this useful content.
When I read "Understanding the Borderline Mother", over 15 years ago, I finally saw my childhood laid out on paper. Instances that I thought were unique to my experience were not. It was immensely helpful. My mother did the best she could. She grew up in horrible abuse, and she tried to leave that behind. She was a hermit, and a queen. She was petulant, and explosive. I never knew who I was walking into. Was she in a good mood, or full of rage? I was told I was a horrible person, that I was ungrateful, selfish. I was screamed at. Things were thrown at me. I know that she was a person full of pain. I feel sad that she never healed, and was extremely unhappy.
So much information! Thank you!
It really irks me that I am called A borderline Instead of someone with borderderline. Feels weird...
The name is changing th Eid emotional irregulation disorder
Thank you for making the content you do. Very helpful to lift the confusion.
I like that you separated Discouraged and Quiet. I've always been quiet, but I was definitely more discouraged when I was younger. I'm not really codependent anymore (I've honestly swung more towards avoidance) and I don't self-harm anymore (or hate myself).
My mother is a narcissist and I'm almost positive that she's also borderline.
It was written to be read from a clinical audience not so much the average self help consumer.
That book 100% saved my life though. It was literally the first time I found any validation for what I have lived.
Thanks for this information, I strongly believe my sister has this. I've been diagnosed with Ptsd, from her abusive nature that got physical. She's like the witch. She rages all the time. She tries to make me fear her. She's very territorial. She snaps at me from just breathing. Little things make her go off She also treats my mom the same way.
Was she the golden child?
@@ABa-ve3ul No, more like the black sheep. She doesn't have to be, she just enjoys being mean and different.
Please ik it’s hard but try to talk to ur sister about it bc I have bpd and ik I’ve hurt my family and I really wish we could talk so I could explain what’s in my head
Thank you Dr. Sage you are amazing! Such a wealth of information l. I'm so glad I found you!
Absolutely underdiagnosed.
Very good information!
So my mom was an untreated borderline. She’s 86 now with dimensia and eventually got the label. But can you be more than one type ? I feel like she’s wafe , hermit and self distructive ?
as i go through a year feels like i go around this circle flickering between two or 3 as the year completes haha. trying to find the core i know i can cope :,)
My daughter has BPD, I knew something was off since she was a young child but it wasn’t until her adolescent was it more prominent. She seems to be very impulsive but after listening to these categorized types I can see all of it in her. It’s hard to place her in just one.
It’s also important to remember men are diagnosable with BPD as well. I’ve dated a couple of men with BPD, as someone with BPD we tend to find others like ourselves. And they were both on different ends of the spectrum and they were both neurodivergent as well.
Wow, this is so helpful. When you talked about the hermit, my face was stuck in the 😬 position bc I was like holy crap that’s me to a T 😂. New sub ❤ looking forward to more. Great job on this video!!
I believe I have high functioning and quiet borderline and histrionics traits. I was raised by a NPD and ASPD and BPD father. I hate all my family they are all dysfunctional. I have contact with almost none. I also have ADHD and PTSD. I rage sometimes even if I don't want to, it's hard to realize the rage for me.
Your videos make me feel seen. 24 years old and finally realized I’m Autistic (PDA profile) & ADHD. My mother was a Borderline, bio father was a diagnosed malignant narcissist. Half sister (we share a mother) is Autistic too. Realized we inherited it from our mother whose autism was ignored. Likely how she developed BPD. I never felt any feeling of safety until I was an adult. At one point, she tried to kill me by choking me to death. Later she attempted suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning with the dogs & my sister in the home. My autism left me even further isolated from people so I lacked a support system in my childhood. Your family dynamics relate to mine so well that watching your videos are healing for me. Thank you for your raw honesty & communication!
pdaers represent
Have you searched about cptsd?
For so long I didn’t understand what was wrong with my mother, I thought I was the problem. Some times I’d wake up having a normal day and then all of a sudden she’ll be like you look mean, why you look angry. When I’m not. Trying to tell me my emotions when it’s all just a projection. Most of it is always angry outbursts and it turns to be verbal abuse. I don’t know if she’s unaware or if it’s unconscious but I’m scared to tell her that she needs help or at least seek therapy
Not only that it’s an enmeshment relationship. Mother-Daughter. I never wanted this. Ever. I told that I’m going to be a dentist and she then told me she’s gonna be my assistant etc etc. just trying to place herself in whatever plans I have. So I’m not going to tell her anything anymore
Why is it more important to care about the person with bpd’s feelings than the feelings of the victims?
It's not more important, and my channel is mostly for the children, as I am one too. But the challenge is that BPD has been so stigmatized that even clinicians have not been taught to identify or see it for what it is in the wide range of presentations - and so we miss the diagnosis too -and, the chance to maybe help parents (and thereby, their children) be safe and heal. At the core, it is a mental health issue and one that often comes from those with BPD having trauma themselves (though not exclusively) -and so I feel compelled to acknowledge the struggle. However, under no circumstances does that make the behavior/treatment ok - and I have found there are those with BPD who understand and work hard to change and who can heal and change - and those who were never diagnosed and/or never think it's their issue. So, in many cases, people learn that their parents had these issues, and understand why, but we still and must choose to disengage, go no contact, etc - because it hurts us too much and they won't change. I am trying to reach those of us raised by those who have/had BPD- first - to validate and support and highlight it was never our fault -- and hopefully, if someone with BPD hears that I have room to understand - but I am also being very clear that it's not ok and it hurts as children (and adults) ----maybe they will consider getting help, work to change, etc. But please know, your feelings matter to me, and as I said, more than you might know, because I lived it too. xo
I kind of had an emotional outbursts in the comments section on some of your other videos 😅 I'm a bpd mum and it can be hard to hear some parts of these. But this video has helped me see that you speak about all sides of it and that we aren't all just stereotypes and uncaring toward our children, so thank you.
Who don’t talk about who have an adult child with BPD,not only parents
I think my Mom had some of each at different times of her life and even overlapping at the same time.
Wonderful pres n delivery ☺️👏👌🏼🥰
I didn’t know about the quiet high functioning and hermit type. if I was told I had bpd I’d believe it now. The angry and impulsive type and the petulant/ histrionic sounds so much like my mother growing up. Since the pandemic my mom has been in her own world isolated and consumed with conspiracy theories.
May I just say that if you bothered to truly LISTEN to her so called Conspiracy Theories, you may well find some of them are not mere theories. There are many agendas in place now but most ppl have absolutely no idea of them yet they are there, hidden in plain sight. See facts, like the film.. Fluvid, & another.. Died Suddenly. On rumble or odyssey. After watching just those two short doco films, THEN you have at least shown her the respect not to simply dismiss her without checking for yourself first, as any rational person would.
I enjoyed hearing these subtypes but i have a hard time figuring out which one i am bc i am
Literally all of them at different times or at different times in my life . I noticed my previous behavior growing up was definitely more of the blame everyone else for my problems side, but as ive grown older and had more self awareness from therapy, im not like that anymore, at least not all the time. I do revert back to these descriptions sometimes too though, which makes it more confusing. Im definitely interested to learn more, bc that's the only way I've been able to really learn about my behavior and try to change it.
My mom is very narcissistic but she also fits "queen" and hermit
🤔 Mine would be described as a queen/witch for sure.
HI all! Any thoughts about these subtypes and your experiences? Anything you would add or change? xo
Can a person with Quiet Borderline lash out/externalize anger but only with a few people/people who caused the trauma? When they trigger them?
The overlapping circles are very helpful. For people I’ve known with bpd traits, they tend to behave in ways that eventually place them in the outer edge of only one circle, though I see behaviors from all adjoining circles from time to time. You really need time to see these patterns emerge. Of course, without knowing what you are facing, these behaviors are confusing and hurtful at first. Information like this is very helpful, because it allows you to step back and see the person and the behavior separately and helps you feel compassion. As you often say, we need to know what we’re up against and protect ourselves, but we can be both firm and kind and remain true to ourselves in the process. Thank you for doing this research and sharing it with us. Your work is a godsend.
Thank you for this content. Many of these symptoms are the symptoms of the person who is being abused, especially covertly emotionally abused let’s say by Machiavellian husband. Often in these combinations where mother and children have been emotionally abused wolf in the sheep clothing type-child grows up believing that everything has been BPD mom’s fault- as it’s so much harder to recognize and face horrific consequences of intentional emotional abuse for trauma bonded victim.
I find the overlap in different diagnoses a bit confusing at times, it can be difficult to tease them out I think, that's why it takes someone trained in the field to identify. It also seems that trauma is at the foundation of so many conditions.
I’m definitely the hermit
I'm reading through the comments. Haven't even watched the video yet. What jumps out at me is the level of self awareness or I'm going to suggest something I do & I think it's a bpd trait, I think. I know I am almost paranoid about having blind spots. So I try everything on & often things fit, but then I don't know if I'm over analyzing,etc. I go round & round in my head. I have ADHD, Cptsd, Addiction ( currently in recovery) Anxiety & panick disorder. I suspect I have some form of BPD & keep meaning to bring it up to my therapist. Maybe one of the reasons it doesn't jump out at him is maybe I have times of high functioning?
I know when I'm using I'm like another person. A total train wreck.....
sounds like a holistic health practitioner who focuses on diet and exercise would help a lot.
Can you delve more into the Depressive/Internalized BPD? I was told the 4 is: Quiet (still high functioning), Petulant, Angry/Impulsive and the fourth, Depressive/Internalized (not very functional). What kind of therapy works for Depressive/Internalized?
Diagnosed BPD with schism 2 years ago. Marriage is crumbling fast. Started DBT a month ago. BPD sucks….
Idk this is the problem with psychology, i feel like all these types encompass probably 50% of people in the United States from time to time or at different points in their lives, especially when you start sprinkling in "high functioning " types, we need to limit these heavy diagnoses to be who's lives are completely crippled by by what is considered a severe personality disorder. I am currently in a long term relationship with someone who has several of these traits, hyper clingy, paranoid thinking everyone hates her, constantly asking if i hate her or am bothered by her, shes nearly incapable of letting her guard down in a social situation and always leaves a social gathering with a bunch of negative critiques of everyone involved or thinks everyone hated her, hyper possessive of her stuff but expects to share everything of mine, like literally takes my clothes and wears them, occasional rage fits with regression then severe guilt afterwards etc... but overall she can function as an adult, is mostly caring, she cycles in and out like bi monthly. With this breakdown you've done here i feel like you just captured like 80% of the people in my life, it honeslty makes me paranoid, we gotta get more precise diagnosis, not these ephemeral clouds of dozens if not hundreds of symptom spheres otherwise you just captured the entire population into a diagnostic net.
Can you be a mix of a couple of them because I'm definitely quiet/high functioning but I have a lot of depressive traits as well. I'd be in the waif category.
My mother was the witch and I would never want to go back and spend 1 more minute in that house. When I was small, my mother used to pinch me and tell me that pinching causes cancer and when she was dying of cancer, she wished it on me. I figured out that my mother was my enemy and not to be trusted even when she was being nice.
Wondering where I can find information and research on sub-types? What studies have been carried out etc………….
0:17 Disclaimers / Defusing / Who this is for
2:49 Clarifications;
3:30 BORDERLINE MOMS:
8:42 IMAGE “Borderline Moms”
4:50 Waif, Hermit, Witch, Queen (fantasy vibe/texture/feeling)
6:10 - WAIF: frail, easily wounded, hard time having deep social relationships, victim mentalaity; “no real role over what happens to them the world is happening TO them”.
-As Parent: permissive, cry rather than rage
-Anxiety, Depression, Internalizing, High/Low Functioning
6:58 - QUEEN: over the top, charismatic, demanding, domineering, controlling, self-assured, hard time managing anger, rageful, dramatic, histrionic, world functions to serve their purpose
-As Parent: no boundaries, kids need to see the world the way they do,
-Entitiled (attempt to be powerful over the wound)
7:43 - HERMIT: fearful, paranoid, afraid of the world, more negatively wired, worse-case-scenarios, phobias, superstitions, outward anger to silent treatment, suseptable to conspiracy theories, psychic (just knows).
8:14 - WITCH: exascerbation of all types (enraged phase), the ‘hardcore’ BPD symptomotology, intention is to wound/hurt, little to no self-control, classic outward hurtful behaviours, lots of conflict, vindictiveness, domineering, use shame/embarassement as parenting tool.
8:58 FIVE SUBTYPES
9:05 IMAGE “BPD Core Traits”
1. DISCOURAGED (usually called ‘High Functioning’ or [5.] ‘QUIET Borderline’, but “I think [these] are not the same [… but a] 5th [Subtype]”)
12:18 Clingy presenting; co-dependant (want but fears being alone), negative world view, need acceptance, prone to depression, self-harm (on edge with self/other relationships)
2. IMPULSIVE / Angry / Externalizing
3. PETULANT / Histrionic
4. SELF-DESTRUCTIVE / Depressive / Internalizing
9:49 5. QUIET / High-Functioning: Classic internalized expression of BPD, ‘High Functioning’ because wounds don’t ‘appear’ anywhere (Seems fine but not to themselves or those close to them)
10:13 IMAGE “Quiet/High Functioning BPD Subtype”
- more Waife presenting; inward, unseen unhealthy coping, low self-worth, blame themselves, set up the world where shit just happens to them, must carry the weight themselves, isolate from the overwhelm (connection with the world on a deeper level), Push/Pull for and against having relationships (Splitting: want but scared), confused about self, hide and suppress anger (seething; near boil; simmering wound; can’t see the heat on the surface), anger not expressed/ or only at home; family experience it intensely.
- more often missed; they can check the boxes, get things done (not always great, but ‘seems fine’)
This is so informative thank you Dr Sage. With the term "narcissistic abuse" does that apply to "victims" of BPD abuse as well, or is there another term?
You are so welcome, yes, many people talk about experiencing BPD abuse/rage...please take good care of yourself:)
@@DrKimSage thank you 🙏💜
Are these Millons types?
Quiet
Petulant
Angry child
?
I think my mother who had 12 babies. It seems she was soothed by the baby but she didn't like toddlers as much. Because of their ability to create conflict.
The petulant/histrionic type describes my mother to a T... sadly.
I get extremely enraged when my BPD mother questions me or calls me. Why is this? I’m sure there’s an easy explanation but it seems so complicated and I feel horrible for feeling the way I do
Queen Witch Hermit Petulant. How can you subcategorize when i know that i find myself in all ?
Oh Goodness ! I didn’t know there were so many bpd traits out there. I have learned so much with you. I find myself having some of this traits only during my TOM(hormonal) That’s that mean I have BPD?
Look into PMDD
Having traits during hormonal times may be more related to PMDD www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder-pmdd. - though I could not diagnose obviously! Either way, getting help and an assessment/treatment is always a good idea when possible as PMDD can be extremely challenging. BPD is a personality disorder so it's like the skin wrapped around our body - we can't change it - unlike clothes we might change - if that makes sense. :).
I have BPD and this as well. But not every month
Your endocrine system is out of balance.
Thank you for sharing ♥️
I was married to an Amber Heard for 14 years. She was sweet and love bombed me until she was sure I was 100% locked down which I was. It was like hot and cold. One minute everything was fine. The second we were alone and she was in a mood she turned into a homicidal demon. When she was back to normal I was supposed to forget about everything that happened when she was in a mood. I was always tying to “repair the relationship” I spent tens of thousand of dollars on counselors and psychologists and eventually they told me there’s nothing anyone can do to change a borderline. I felt like I was in a 14 year long breakup cycle. I would get her back to normal and everything would seem ok until I thought I might have a normal life and be able to trust her. Then it would happen again worse than ever. She would show up at my job site and make a scene, try and publicly humiliate me, she wouldn’t care if it caused my customers to cancel my projects even though it was how her bills were going to be payed. I was hoping for a miracle and it never happened. She would physically attack me and injure me if I said something she didn’t agree with. When I tried to get away from flailing with weapons, she said I was “running from my responsibilities” and would try to kill me literally, for trying to leave a volatile situation where she was acting like a crazy person with a knife, a glass jar or anything she could use. . This happened 8 or 10 times per year for 9 years and I often had to work with broken bones, black eyes and other injuries. If I told her the injuries were making me not be able to trust her she said I was being a baby and she can’t stand me.The last five years we spent less time together but I have permanent scars and injuries from those years too. The only reason I didn’t separate was religion. I thought God was going to change it all and reward me for passing the test where I endured persecution and remained faithful like Job. Now we’re divorced. I’m much happier. I lost my religion because of it. It’s peaceful, I no longer believe in hell, God or magic. A little lonely but not enough to want to relive that nightmare again. My best friend is my 16 yr old daughter who said I was her “favorite person in the whole world.” If I find a woman someday I would be happy about it but I’ve resigned myself to whatever my future holds. I’ve already raised 2 kids though at 45 it’s still 100% possible to start another family and have another chance so hopefully that’s what happens. I’m still youthful and fairly good looking though I would need to find a woman young enough to have children who wants them with me. It’s a tall order. Easier when I was 26 and would have gone for any woman who would be my girlfriend.
Why do you want another family? You need to heal and be alone far awhile. Don't rush into another serious relationship until you have done the work. She sounds like she is possessed. Just saying..
@@jessicahitchens6926 I would only want another family if I found an old fashioned woman who was loyal, hasn’t slept with more than 4 men, ( having slept with 6 or more guarantees she will not be able to pair bond and is probably and alpha widow who will never be happy,) under 30 and even tempered. I would need to be financially set for life which I’m working on. The women I interact with are still mentally children at 30. Slept with dozens of men and are not loyal. Not ready to grow up or have kids. They would abort any pregnancy as a matter of principle and think they will settle down in their 40’s and start a family then. They don’t understand how biology works with the ideal age to have children is 18 to 34 with 34 being the first year a woman has reduced fertility. After 35 a pregnancy is called a geriatric pregnancy and much more risky for the mother and the baby. This is why only 50 years ago people were engaged at 17 or 18 and married with kids at 20 or so to your high school sweetheart. This meant you marry a virgin who will most likely be loyal, see one more generation of grandchildren in your lifetime than if you start a family at 30 and your kids will be out of the house when you’re about 40. The new generation of women have not realized this and don’t get it until it’s too late and they can’t find a man at 40. They also don’t understand the quality of a man they can attract at 18 - 23 is much higher than the quality they will be able to attract at 30 or older. This is because men know the fertility window of a potential mate and to give our children the best chance at survival we need a heathy woman who has enough time to make a family before she’s too old. If I marry a 34 year old and it takes 3 years to conceive, there’s only time for her to have one child and she will probably not be interested in having more when she’s 38 or 40. I probably won’t be able to start another family in my lifetime because of those reasons. Right now I’m dating because I enjoy the company of women and don’t have much hope to find one I would settle down and start a family with. The culture is not conducive to stable relationships anymore. I actually thought my Ex was an old fashioned woman who wanted that kind of life until a couple of years into the relationship when she dropped the facade and became a full time modern nightmare. Borderline Personality Disorder can be dormant and surface when life gets stressful. 85% of divorce is initiated by the woman so if I don’t get a family, don’t get loyalty, get a woman after she’s been ran through by Chad and Tyrone plus half the town and is alpha widowed, will probably be served divorce papers and have my life ruined for the second time and have to start over in 12 years. I don’t see it happening and it’s not worth it. I’m over the ex wife now it’s been 5 years since the divorce and I’m happy just being alone or dating for fun. These women aren’t serious. They say they want a husband but they’re not happy, think finding a man will make them happy but they’re not going to be happy no matter what. As soon as they get married they will try and run the man’s life and change him into someone else. Men always complain that they married a happy normal woman and she changes into a nightmare and women always complain that they married a man and he won’t change. We don’t change. I’m the same as I was when I was 20. I like the same things and like having fun and treating my family with kindness. Women seem to change into ungrateful, entitled brats and attempt make men unhappy until they change. Which we won’t so they will continue to be unhappy until they file for divorce and secretly knew they would likely end up divorcing anyway and will be rewarded with cash and prizes. It’s a bad situation for us and our hard work isn’t rewarded, we’re punished for it. I had to work out of town sometimes when I was married and after the divorce I learned she was cheating on me every time I left town. She had been for years and justified it because I was out of town and “ wasn’t taking care of her needs.” When I was supporting her by giving her 100% of my income and working 70 hours a week.
My father could BPD but my mother was the best mom ever.
How do I know if I have BPD or complex ptsd ? It’s hard to tell cause they overlap it seems . I was raised by a mom with BPD it was horrible
please include subtitles
Somwone close to me with BPD is all of the subtypes at different times? Pls make a video abt that. Thank you
Do most people fall neatly into these categories or is it more common that someone can have traits from different categories. For example quiet bpd but self harming when under stress etc.
Dr Kim is Gorgeous.
How does one in a romantic relationship with a bpd patient control their actions so as not to be a "trigger" ? My every action seems to trigger an episode and I feel like I might be losing myself in all of it.
My mom was the witch. I am the quiet.
Is it possible to be multiple types of BPD throughout your life? I'd absolutely consider myself a quiet borderline, but ~15 years ago, I was way less isolated, much more impulsive and self-destructive. I think I'd still have the same quality of exhausting, explosive relationships if I wasn't basically living on the moon, but I'm so terrified of being abandoned that my need for affection and attention has been way overshadowed.
My mom is definitely the witch
What kind of treatment is there ?
6:12 the waif
confused... I have mostly the traits of the waif AND the witch. But maybe it is because I have been raised in very different manners? My mom has NPD and father with ASPD , all I saw was the war between those to people. But then, I can consider my father as some kind of a hippie that teached me psychology and love? I was teached with the intention to become SO great and big in terms of my social name that when I was questioned how I became it I would mention my father. This is what he told me. And in result he spent some time on my learning(reading books on philosophy, psychology, talking about love)... So can this result in waif/witch?
12 types, my gosh, where does it end
Can I have cptsd and borderline personality disorder
Is it possible to have all subtypes
I so wish I could work with you
Yah I think I was misdiagnosed none of this is me.
Is there a chat room for BPD’s partners? Please help.
I still don't quite get it. My grandmother was abusive to my mother. It's just a hunch, but maybe some jealousy there... who knows. My mother was extremely sensitive, as am I. She felt the need to please, say, her mother, but she wasn't a fan of her mother. She felt a sense of duty. My mother grew up to be, what I still call, nuts. I remember the butcher knife coming out at me when I was maybe 6? I was never afraid. She just looked crazy to me. When I was maybe 4, she beat me from head to toe with an old fashioned 1960s nylon bristled hair brush. Having allergies and asthma, I turned into one big hive, ahhhhh but she didn't take me to the ER. She broke down crying and hugging me, telling me she was sorry. I remember crying when she she was swatting me, and I calmed down when she hugged me. #nuts At about age 10-13, like other kids, I became embarrassed of my mother. She didn't like that at all. She got worse, screaming over such insignificant things... I mean, she may have had a point, but the hours of screaming were no solution. Everyone was to blame, mostly me, but there was my dad, Hilda, Anita, her sister, Toni Rand, Vivian, her mother, my paternal grandmother... ha haaaaaaaaaaa What a laugh! She was pretty and worked in the local fashion shops. She looked like a movie star. She attracted men like bees to honey, sort of unintentionally. Men never saw this side, except dad. I told him later in life. He didn't know what to do. I had figured out that she was nuts, and moved out fairly young. She still insulted me, but I didn't have to live with it. She died of a heart attack aged 62.
There must be a lot of cross over of the subtypes.
Is it a “stigma” if the stigma is true? Saying their is a stigma is so invalidating to victims
Yeah! My sadistic BPD mother committed violent sexual crimes against me and physically and psychologically tortured me as a child. There are supposed to be laws against child abuse, but she got away with it all…..why so much sympathy for child abusers? :(
As a victim, who ended up with some bpd traits, I don't find it invalidating either way. The stigma is true, but I find it necessary to know how they work in order to heal from the abuse. To know their pain was theirs, and they put it on me and it was not my fault.
And I have to understand that my actions are likely to be hurtful and agressive when I'm raging, so I have to go do something else instead of acting out like I want to. And I have to remind myself constantly that I am safe and that I am loved, and that if anyone leaves me, i will respect their decision even if im screaming inside because its their life and they deserve to live how they want.
The "stigma" I think goes for people who are trying to heal. I don't abuse, but if I told someone I have bpd traits, I don't think being immediately considered an abuser is healthy. Abuse is at the fault of the perpetrator not dealing with their emotions in healthy ways, not because of their disease. No disease or disorder means inherently that someone will abuse.
Agreed. Nobody should give a damn if psychopaths are "stigmatized". That should be society's goal!
@@jorydillard3766Thsts on being a bad person people will bpd still have the mental capacity to not do those crimes also you cant say all people with bpd deserve to be stigmatized some people with bpd internalize it they self harm why would you stigmatize the abuser does it help you heal from the abuse ? A better alternative would be healing bpd is thankfully treatable unlike narcissistic personality disorder there’s no discovered treatment