You said something everyone should hear! Boundaries are for "you" not for them. Getting healthier started when I realized this. "Life on my terms" is not selfish - it's healthy when aligned with God's word.
Patty: I am having to do the same thing. It does hurt and I too have very little family left. Praying for you and asking for prayers for myself and my family.
I think there’s a large percentage of people who do not realize that boundaries are not meant to be put on some one else, but that boundaries are meant for people to apply to ourselves. I have experienced way more people trying to put boundaries on other people, than themselves. This is so good.
This really is so hard because of the guilt we carry around. I get Chris's position. I have been there many times. We SAY we want to/have set boundaries, but we are unable to actually carry through with it. Great advice as always Dr. Cloud.
This is so good helping people to realize the NEED to surrender trying to “fix”, “affect”, “control the outcome”, etc with others, AND embrace you have CHOICE in response to them, how to love them, and keep door open to relationship growing WHEN and IF they want to participate in healthy ways!!! So many need to know the differences in these places…. I think sometimes people WANT the relationship so badly they take more responsibility for it than they should. I have been through that and it’s painful. I found that processing and going to God with the loss of what I want (dreamed of, hoped for) and the painful repeated rejections with that -that’s when breakthrough comes. We MUST let go and be honest with ourselves, and we MUST also be able to see accurately where someone is really at and accept that to engage and function properly with those around us. Again so good - thank you Dr. Cloud!
I NEEDED to hear this! This is such a hard pill to swallow and to understand! I pray the lord gives us the strength and the grace to set healthy boundaries ♥
As soon as I start to tell my mother out of love how I feel. She starts to cut me off, over talk me, tell me she doesn't want to hear about what God says (And she's a Christian), slam doors in my face, insult me, gaslighting me, and wait for my reactive abuse to then say I'm yelling at her and I'm not forgiving. But, Dr. Cloud you just made it plain for real. Thank you, Lord for this and relieving me of this guilt Satan has this stronghold over me.
This is sooo difficult in reality! Especially if people have, Borderline personality, the start of Dementia from Extreme Depression over a long period of time! Where they have refused ANY form of Help! ADHD, OR Different forms of Narcissistic Behaviour!
Boundaries are easier if we don't have anything to do with them, when we don't need them and when we don't want any validation from them. Sometimes it is easier to set boundaries with friends but not with family. The closer people are the harder it gets with boundaries. But we have to be strong and focus on ourselves and our improvement.
Dr Cloud I would love to hear a teaching about the evil person on the receiving end of boundaries, taught regarding how sees the evil person. It seems like so many teachers characterize the person with the poor boundaries as evil and unlovable and Scripture says they go to hell if they don’t respond to God’s gift of forgiveness. But aren’t we all the evil person at some point? And don’t we all need someone to somehow reach deep into us beyond the walls we put up that come across as evil but are only there to protect ourselves from what we received, or didn’t receive from our childhood caregivers etc? I suppose you would probably say that the bottom line is that we all have to develop the proper boundaries to protect ourselves while still loving the other person, and that that’s probably the core lesson of life for all of humanity. If so, in my experience, it’s been a difficult one. Painful because my walls were high in order to protect myself from being triggered repeatedly since I did not know how to protect myself as a child and it’s been a long slow process as an adult to come out of isolation that I’ve been working on for a long time so that I could/can connect safely.
I may have missed it but, Dr. Cloud, would you consider a video on the differnece between "responsible to" and "responsible for"? I have friends who are good people, but only engage in what they want, when they want. They back out of events or 'promises' when something better glitters. They offer no direct or indirect apologies. It was hard to tag this behavior for a while.
They are called narcissist. Covert narcissists. Many controlling people who are generally narcissists have some good qualities. If you follow them, you don't have a voice. So work on yourself, find your self-worth, learn to say No. I had to get rid off some people from my life because I felt like they had upper hand in relationships. They were Christians and kind people. I wanted to have mutual, equal, respectful relationships. I had to back off and work on myself. It is important how other people make you feel or how you feel because of other's actions. There is so much to learn. I have been working on myself for over five years now. I have a voice in my family, in my immediate family and with friends. I have my own identity and respect others. But they must respect me too. May God guide you in the right direction.
Dr Cloud had to ask over and over again “what is the question?” But the guy would ignore the question and go off on another tangent so I feel like if he can’t listen and communicate one simple thing here, he definitely isn’t able to listen and properly communicate with his dad whom he has major issues with. I also think he has a bit of a victim mentality maybe rightfully so but it’s not going to help him in life. So I think he is part of the problem in the communication barrier with his dad. And maybe he got this communication style from his dad so maybe neither are listening to the other and both are going off on tangents when a simple, direct question or statement is made.
Wow that is really great observation n food for thought..I initially thought it was bc he is too emotional still over the situation and usually when people call such shows especially men they get themselves prepared emotionally and mentally to stuff the feeling a bit to get thru the call..it almost seems like the latest thing just happened an hr or a day ago n he is really calling to vent rather than seek an answer to a specific question or get advice. Yes we all want to be heard and should be by others in our life but this is a more practical show with specific questions that need to be addressed n answered. He should have called Dr John Deloneys show for the help he is seeking..the things that jumped out at me that was.most concerning to me was with all the talking he was.doing he never gave one example of what the father has done that is so terrible and what "they've tried everything is" I'm sure I noticed thia quicker than the act person as i e jad this said about me when all the person ever did was hammer me for no good reason or certainly nothing that's actuall their business n refuse to take any accountability for things they had said n done to hurt me then continue to accuse.me.of being oversensitive,holding a grudge and not forgiving. Yes they tried that several times bc they didnt apparently want me out of their lives but that was all they did so they tried one thing often but they didnt come even close to trying everything even things any therapist or book or now podcasts or just average normal person would ask let alone ask me.
First of all thanks for making these videos. I think it would be helpful if you would let the questioners speak without interruption. Besides it being disrespectful, it will be helpfull to let them finish because it might give you a deeper insight in their emotional experience and helps you to get your point actoss more clearly. Interrupting people is something I am working on as well and I think it might be useful to take a look at this behavior. Thanks for being my mirror.
My step mother and father is toxic, all my friends relatives, and my father's friends tell me to stay away, cut tie. It is a hard process to detach emotionally and I am still processing this feeling.
I wish I had the ability to set boundaries with my mother, but I live with her and its “my house, my rules.” And her shifting mood keeps it hard to keep up with her as she is unpredictable. I would move out but I can’t afford to.
@@mebreeveeyou have a good point but if you allow that to be the reason you stay than you’re not helping yourself progress forward. With God all things are possible.. He will help you to be intentional and disciplined to be able to do that
@@johnlekocevic2143 I got kicked out so it worked out fine. God aside, shoutout to my boyfriend’s parents for letting me live in their basement for awhile.
@@mebreeveeunderstandable but then really make a plan to move out in a year if possible with roommates etc. And or ask your mother.to go to counseling with you to at least perhaps make it tolerable for you untill then. Ideall🎉you'd be able to repair the relationship the longer it goes on the less likelihood of it happening. Yes bc you live there she of course can make the rules n you should abide by them but doesn't give her license to be rude n nasty to you but same goes for you. Lots of parents have difficulty seeing their grown kids as adults,I don't know how old you are.. living with them only magnifies this but some still have this difficulty even when their kids are out of the house,married n with kids of their own. The dynamic has to shift so perhaps you can talk to her from a non judgemental place about this normal transition and ask how you can help make it better.yoj can also state what you would like. Unfortunately lots of.parents whether they realize it or not use you staying in their house as a power n control thing which means at the end of the day any problems that arise are your fault bc you are.living in their house still and if you bring up anything that is upsetting or hurtful to you even unrelated to living in their house she will accused you of being ungrateful. The way I look at it is if an adult child took in their elderly parent later in life bc they didn't have the requisite health or finances to live on their own,it would still be cruel to treat the parent contemptuously simply bc they are living there. If the parent spoke up about something they didn't like that was going on in the relationship or something the grown child or their spouse did that hurt her it would be right to dismiss it and call them ungrateful..you can be grateful without allowing yourself to be walked over n possibly even mentally or psychologically abused. In fact I would bet a lot of elder abuse stems form the grown child's own guilt over treating their parent in a dismissive, frustrated or eventually even cruel way. Yes that should be a wake up call and make them apologize not for people who are shame based and can't fully apologize yet still feel badly they will take it out more on the person they now hold responsible for making them feel badly about themselves and if that person is dependent on you I'm any way it can turn into a real horror show.
What prevents many Christians from setting boundaries is false guilt, which usually comes from legalism. At least in my experience, there is this unspoken rule that if you are a Christian, you must continue to have a relationship with your family members at all costs. This is wrong. Read 2 Timothy 3:1-5. It describes toxic people, then says to avoid such people, or from such turn away, depending on the Bible translation. We can still be open to the possibility of a future reconciliation, if they decide to repent. Just a caveat, I'm talking about truly evil people who who enjoy hurting you, such as high level sadistic psychopaths.
My father only cares about himself. He will never change and limiting my interactions with him has been the best decision. The advice to be loving and leaving a door open is poor advice IMO. The probability of this man changing is very low. Sounds like this caller has gone above and beyond to keep a door open for a healthy relationship. Probably best to shut the door.
I left out of my last comment that while i understand the callers upset n anger at some point as be ks doing his work to reconcile this within himself i hope he will focus a bit on the fact that he is at least lucky that ha sister n mother seem to feel the same and they are united.. Many of us have the exact opposite situation and the gaslighting is strong. It also understandably would make other people not familiar with what all took place to silently or not so silently think tje problem must be you. Especially if the other people seem reasonably well adjusted and decent people..i would also say that bc his father is outnumbered they do try not to gang up on him. Is there really a need to do that?.This usually only makes people more defensive... Again i don't know the situation and for some reason the caller never gave even one specific example. Why'?
This guy wants to ex communicate his father and wants Henry cloud to co-sign. The caller didn’t have a desire to engage further, and most pple say “i tried that” but very few actually have.
I’m not sure Dr. Cloud is being understanding to this persons issues. Some people are RELENTLESS and they will not change. It’s not EASY to just block someone out of your life.
BTW....EVERYTHING I JUST TOLD YOU, was really NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. So i will not repeat myself on these 3 boundary topics i shared with you. YOU are the “boundary teacher”, not me. AGREED?
Giving up on family isn't necessarily the best answer to drop family. Unconditional ❤️ .... I understand the limits ... To a degree ... But giving up on family isn't ok ..... Keeping boundaries is appropriate
that is terrible advice, book psychology does not work on narcissists, and counselling will not help, because the narcissist does not want to change, they just need their supply, usually from empaths, this guy sounds like one. He can try no contact or limited contact with boundaries, emotional detachment or grey rock. His dad will not change. The bit about showering them with love? Are you kidding me?
"I forgive you for what you did but I can't trust you until you *show* you're sorry and Want to CHANGE."
You said something everyone should hear! Boundaries are for "you" not for them. Getting healthier started when I realized this. "Life on my terms" is not selfish - it's healthy when aligned with God's word.
I just blocked two family members that are very toxic. Soooo glad I finally did. Shame because I hardly have any family left.
Patty: I am having to do the same thing. It does hurt and I too have very little family left. Praying for you and asking for prayers for myself and my family.
@@sharomscheller1430 praying now!
Same here but I would rather be by myself with a gold fish then among anyone that doesn’t have my back bye ✌🏻
Look up this scripture: 17:1 proverbs
@@youareloved2869 thank you!! Perfect for these situations!!!
This is good.
If we do not like someone’s behavior. It is our responsibility to set boundaries and reinforce them. Not theirs.
I like that comment "God has the same problem that you do." So eye opening!
I think there’s a large percentage of people who do not realize that boundaries are not meant to be put on some one else, but that boundaries are meant for people to apply to ourselves.
I have experienced way more people trying to put boundaries on other people, than themselves.
This is so good.
Well it does apply to other people. It’s what we will or will not accept from them.
Yeah i agree with GemmaRose here. The boundaries are for other people to know what you will and will not tolerate from them.
Boundaries fail when we want something from someone. Boundaries is for us - to protect ourselves.
This really is so hard because of the guilt we carry around. I get Chris's position. I have been there many times. We SAY we want to/have set boundaries, but we are unable to actually carry through with it. Great advice as always Dr. Cloud.
This is so good helping people to realize the NEED to surrender trying to “fix”, “affect”, “control the outcome”, etc with others, AND embrace you have CHOICE in response to them, how to love them, and keep door open to relationship growing WHEN and IF they want to participate in healthy ways!!! So many need to know the differences in these places….
I think sometimes people WANT the relationship so badly they take more responsibility for it than they should. I have been through that and it’s painful. I found that processing and going to God with the loss of what I want (dreamed of, hoped for) and the painful repeated rejections with that -that’s when breakthrough comes. We MUST let go and be honest with ourselves, and we MUST also be able to see accurately where someone is really at and accept that to engage and function properly with those around us.
Again so good - thank you Dr. Cloud!
I NEEDED to hear this! This is such a hard pill to swallow and to understand! I pray the lord gives us the strength and the grace to set healthy boundaries ♥
AMEN to that!
As soon as I start to tell my mother out of love how I feel. She starts to cut me off, over talk me, tell me she doesn't want to hear about what God says (And she's a Christian), slam doors in my face, insult me, gaslighting me, and wait for my reactive abuse to then say I'm yelling at her and I'm not forgiving. But, Dr. Cloud you just made it plain for real. Thank you, Lord for this and relieving me of this guilt Satan has this stronghold over me.
So glad Chris called! Thanks for the clip!
Wow, what a great lesson! Thank you Dr Cloud. You are helping more people that you might think of. God bless you.
I have also had to set boundaries with people who have little respect for others... unfortunately it has led to little to No communication ...
This is sooo difficult in reality!
Especially if people have,
Borderline personality,
the start of Dementia from Extreme Depression over a long period of time! Where they have refused ANY form of Help!
ADHD, OR Different forms of Narcissistic Behaviour!
Boundaries are easier if we don't have anything to do with them, when we don't need them and when we don't want any validation from them. Sometimes it is easier to set boundaries with friends but not with family. The closer people are the harder it gets with boundaries. But we have to be strong and focus on ourselves and our improvement.
Great opservation and advices!
I loved when he said God has the same problem 9:50 min.
Dr Cloud I would love to hear a teaching about the evil person on the receiving end of boundaries, taught regarding how sees the evil person. It seems like so many teachers characterize the person with the poor boundaries as evil and unlovable and Scripture says they go to hell if they don’t respond to God’s gift of forgiveness. But aren’t we all the evil person at some point? And don’t we all need someone to somehow reach deep into us beyond the walls we put up that come across as evil but are only there to protect ourselves from what we received, or didn’t receive from our childhood caregivers etc? I suppose you would probably say that the bottom line is that we all have to develop the proper boundaries to protect ourselves while still loving the other person, and that that’s probably the core lesson of life for all of humanity. If so, in my experience, it’s been a difficult one. Painful because my walls were high in order to protect myself from being triggered repeatedly since I did not know how to protect myself as a child and it’s been a long slow process as an adult to come out of isolation that I’ve been working on for a long time so that I could/can connect safely.
Needed these today.. thank you!
Just found your channel. Your content and delivery is so affirming for me, especially at the moment. Thank you.
I may have missed it but, Dr. Cloud, would you consider a video on the differnece between "responsible to" and "responsible for"? I have friends who are good people, but only engage in what they want, when they want. They back out of events or 'promises' when something better glitters. They offer no direct or indirect apologies. It was hard to tag this behavior for a while.
They are called narcissist. Covert narcissists. Many controlling people who are generally narcissists have some good qualities. If you follow them, you don't have a voice. So work on yourself, find your self-worth, learn to say No.
I had to get rid off some people from my life because I felt like they had upper hand in relationships. They were Christians and kind people. I wanted to have mutual, equal, respectful relationships. I had to back off and work on myself. It is important how other people make you feel or how you feel because of other's actions.
There is so much to learn. I have been working on myself for over five years now. I have a voice in my family, in my immediate family and with friends. I have my own identity and respect others. But they must respect me too. May God guide you in the right direction.
this makes so much sense I totally get what you are saying!!
amazing content. Thanks.
So helpful thank you.
Dr Cloud had to ask over and over again “what is the question?” But the guy would ignore the question and go off on another tangent so I feel like if he can’t listen and communicate one simple thing here, he definitely isn’t able to listen and properly communicate with his dad whom he has major issues with.
I also think he has a bit of a victim mentality maybe rightfully so but it’s not going to help him in life. So I think he is part of the problem in the communication barrier with his dad. And maybe he got this communication style from his dad so maybe neither are listening to the other and both are going off on tangents when a simple, direct question or statement is made.
Wow that is really great observation n food for thought..I initially thought it was bc he is too emotional still over the situation and usually when people call such shows especially men they get themselves prepared emotionally and mentally to stuff the feeling a bit to get thru the call..it almost seems like the latest thing just happened an hr or a day ago n he is really calling to vent rather than seek an answer to a specific question or get advice. Yes we all want to be heard and should be by others in our life but this is a more practical show with specific questions that need to be addressed n answered. He should have called Dr John Deloneys show for the help he is seeking..the things that jumped out at me that was.most concerning to me was with all the talking he was.doing he never gave one example of what the father has done that is so terrible and what "they've tried everything is" I'm sure I noticed thia quicker than the act person as i e jad this said about me when all the person ever did was hammer me for no good reason or certainly nothing that's actuall their business n refuse to take any accountability for things they had said n done to hurt me then continue to accuse.me.of being oversensitive,holding a grudge and not forgiving. Yes they tried that several times bc they didnt apparently want me out of their lives but that was all they did so they tried one thing often but they didnt come even close to trying everything even things any therapist or book or now podcasts or just average normal person would ask let alone ask me.
First of all thanks for making these videos.
I think it would be helpful if you would let the questioners speak without interruption. Besides it being disrespectful, it will be helpfull to let them finish because it might give you a deeper insight in their emotional experience and helps you to get your point actoss more clearly.
Interrupting people is something I am working on as well and I think it might be useful to take a look at this behavior. Thanks for being my mirror.
My step mother and father is toxic, all my friends relatives, and my father's friends tell me to stay away, cut tie. It is a hard process to detach emotionally and I am still processing this feeling.
❤thank you!
wow i love this
I wish I had the ability to set boundaries with my mother, but I live with her and its “my house, my rules.” And her shifting mood keeps it hard to keep up with her as she is unpredictable.
I would move out but I can’t afford to.
Save your money and move out.
@@Gemmarose9012 You make that sound so simple but some people cant just do that with housing continuing to be suuuper expensive.
@@mebreeveeyou have a good point but if you allow that to be the reason you stay than you’re not helping yourself progress forward. With God all things are possible.. He will help you to be intentional and disciplined to be able to do that
@@johnlekocevic2143 I got kicked out so it worked out fine. God aside, shoutout to my boyfriend’s parents for letting me live in their basement for awhile.
@@mebreeveeunderstandable but then really make a plan to move out in a year if possible with roommates etc. And or ask your mother.to go to counseling with you to at least perhaps make it tolerable for you untill then. Ideall🎉you'd be able to repair the relationship the longer it goes on the less likelihood of it happening. Yes bc you live there she of course can make the rules n you should abide by them but doesn't give her license to be rude n nasty to you but same goes for you. Lots of parents have difficulty seeing their grown kids as adults,I don't know how old you are.. living with them only magnifies this but some still have this difficulty even when their kids are out of the house,married n with kids of their own. The dynamic has to shift so perhaps you can talk to her from a non judgemental place about this normal transition and ask how you can help make it better.yoj can also state what you would like. Unfortunately lots of.parents whether they realize it or not use you staying in their house as a power n control thing which means at the end of the day any problems that arise are your fault bc you are.living in their house still and if you bring up anything that is upsetting or hurtful to you even unrelated to living in their house she will accused you of being ungrateful. The way I look at it is if an adult child took in their elderly parent later in life bc they didn't have the requisite health or finances to live on their own,it would still be cruel to treat the parent contemptuously simply bc they are living there. If the parent spoke up about something they didn't like that was going on in the relationship or something the grown child or their spouse did that hurt her it would be right to dismiss it and call them ungrateful..you can be grateful without allowing yourself to be walked over n possibly even mentally or psychologically abused. In fact I would bet a lot of elder abuse stems form the grown child's own guilt over treating their parent in a dismissive, frustrated or eventually even cruel way. Yes that should be a wake up call and make them apologize not for people who are shame based and can't fully apologize yet still feel badly they will take it out more on the person they now hold responsible for making them feel badly about themselves and if that person is dependent on you I'm any way it can turn into a real horror show.
Sadly, Chris might have to block him. If he is truly sorry, he will find a way back into Chris’s life.
What prevents many Christians from setting boundaries is false guilt, which usually comes from legalism. At least in my experience, there is this unspoken rule that if you are a Christian, you must continue to have a relationship with your family members at all costs. This is wrong. Read 2 Timothy 3:1-5. It describes toxic people, then says to avoid such people, or from such turn away, depending on the Bible translation. We can still be open to the possibility of a future reconciliation, if they decide to repent. Just a caveat, I'm talking about truly evil people who who enjoy hurting you, such as high level sadistic psychopaths.
Ask Holy Spirit to show you what "honoring your father" looks like, given the current state of the relationship...this is for you!
Key - I forgive you but I can’t trust you.
What do we do when the toxic parent lives in our home?
I think the guy doesnt have internal boundaries
My father only cares about himself. He will never change and limiting my interactions with him has been the best decision. The advice to be loving and leaving a door open is poor advice IMO. The probability of this man changing is very low. Sounds like this caller has gone above and beyond to keep a door open for a healthy relationship. Probably best to shut the door.
I left out of my last comment that while i understand the callers upset n anger at some point as be ks doing his work to reconcile this within himself i hope he will focus a bit on the fact that he is at least lucky that ha sister n mother seem to feel the same and they are united.. Many of us have the exact opposite situation and the gaslighting is strong. It also understandably would make other people not familiar with what all took place to silently or not so silently think tje problem must be you. Especially if the other people seem reasonably well adjusted and decent people..i would also say that bc his father is outnumbered they do try not to gang up on him. Is there really a need to do that?.This usually only makes people more defensive... Again i don't know the situation and for some reason the caller never gave even one specific example. Why'?
What’s the question lol
This guy wants to ex communicate his father and wants Henry cloud to co-sign. The caller didn’t have a desire to engage further, and most pple say “i tried that” but very few actually have.
I’m not sure Dr. Cloud is being understanding to this persons issues. Some people are RELENTLESS and they will not change. It’s not EASY to just block someone out of your life.
BTW....EVERYTHING I JUST TOLD YOU, was really NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. So i will not repeat myself on these 3 boundary topics i shared with you. YOU are the “boundary teacher”, not me. AGREED?
Giving up on family isn't necessarily the best answer to drop family. Unconditional ❤️ .... I understand the limits ... To a degree ... But giving up on family isn't ok ..... Keeping boundaries is appropriate
Not giving up still moving forward with your life.
ONE MORE THING….I, ROCHELLE D. CAFFEE, am ME, and NOT JOE BIDEN. HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS CHOICES…I AM NOT.
that is terrible advice, book psychology does not work on narcissists, and counselling will not help, because the narcissist does not want to change, they just need their supply, usually from empaths, this guy sounds like one. He can try no contact or limited contact with boundaries, emotional detachment or grey rock. His dad will not change. The bit about showering them with love? Are you kidding me?
YES this and is not for necessarily people who have mental illnesses.
Full agreement . The father sounds like 100 percent narcissistic person. Reminds me of my MIL, before I dropped the rope .
Could ur Dad possibly be presenting with dementia? 😢