What You Need to Know about Parents with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
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- Опубліковано 15 жов 2024
- Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:
shorturl.at/bxB05
Order The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook by Dr. Fox:
In English: goo.gl/LQEgy1
In Spanish: tinyurl.com/55...
In Polish: tinyurl.com/np...
Get the Anger Meter at: drdfox.com/wor... Right click on the image and “Save image as…” to download it.
In this video, I’m going to discuss issues and concerns that often arise in parents with BPD. This video is aimed at providing insight and knowledge to help you understand yourself as a parent with BPD, or perhaps learn more about your parent with BPD.
It is not uncommon for parents with BPD to feel a sense of ambivalence and fear related to being a parent that manifests from an intense desire to care for another, the need to be cared for and a compulsion to recreate or revise early traumatic attachment and developmental experiences. Parents with BPD often want to raise a child to have different life experience than what they had; they want them to have a better life.
Many parents with BPD find that raising a child is much more complicated than they realized. Also, parents with BPD are tasked with building that attachment and providing a consistent and empathic environment to help their child develop. This can be tough for those who aren’t sure how to manage their own emotions, thoughts, and behaviors when stress increases. Individuals with BPD have a tendency to misinterpret behavioral expressions skewing toward the negative.
Those parents with BPD who experienced early abuse may be fearful of abusing their child and become withdrawn. Others may become intrusive and anxious in an effort to protect the child. Many parents with BPD have a fundamental difficulty in acknowledging the psychological separateness of their child (this is related to the unstable self-image often seen in those individuals with BPD) are at a higher likelihood to be motivated by their own unresolved traumatic attachment issues.
What about those helpful strategies I mentioned. Here are two you may find helpful.
Helpful strategies:
1. Recognize and radically accept that your child is separate from you. This does not mean you don’t love him or her, but that they will have a different life than you did. You are to be their cheerleader, a force of encouragement to help them grow.
2. Have an Anger Meter (show anger meter) to help you monitor your thoughts and emotions. I have created one for you, see the comments section for the link.
Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 15 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.
He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:
Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:
rb.gy/hdyqyy
Antisocial, Narcissistic, and Borderline Personality Disorders: A New Conceptualization of Development, Reinforcement, Expression, and Treatment. Available at: tinyurl.com/2a...
The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD. Available at: goo.gl/LQEgy1
Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Gold Award Winner): goo.gl/BLRkFy
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Toolbox: 55 Practical Treatment Techniques for Clients, Their Parents & Their Children (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Silver Award Winner):: goo.gl/sZYhym
The Clinician’s Guide to Diagnosis and Treatment of Personality Disorders: goo.gl/ZAVe9v
Dr. Fox has given numerous workshops and seminars on ethics and personality disorders, personality disorders and crime, treatment solutions for treating clients along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum, emotional intelligence, managing mental health within the prison system, and others. Dr. Fox maintains a website of various treatment interventions focused on working with and attenuating the symptomatology related to individuals along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum (www.drdfox.com).
mental health awareness bpd urges dr fox bpd dr fox bpd relationship
Parents with BPD
I was raised by a mother with BPD. My childhood was plagued with unpredictable emotional outbursts, guilt trips, and overprotective behavior. It was a stressful and traumatizing experience that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Thank you for posting this. Even though my mother may not understand me, at least I can understand her a bit better.
I relate. It’s why I looked for this video. My mother isn’t vulnerable enough to have shared her diagnosis with me, but did with others, who then told me. I struggle to understand her and the instability and abuse I endured as a child. Even now as I am an adult, she demonizes me, shifts blame, shames or is critical. I find it very difficult to see my way out of the vortex, she just sucks me right in and spits me out without remorse 😢 it’s so hard to not take…personally? I feel like I’m not allowed to be offended or upset because she’s the one who is unwell.
Same for me so now I’m older I have did (dissociated identity disorder) but I don’t blame her because it’s really not her fault
I’m barely in my 20s, I have been diagnosed with bpd, and tbh I have thought about having kids later on. This is my fear tho, being a bad parent and traumatizing my future kids and make them hate me when I just want to love them… I hope I’ll be ready some day.
@@Vanhal20 you’re feelings are still valid, you’re feel hurt by someone you love, and it’s understandable.
I can SO relate… in therapy
I think the hardest thing about being raised by someone with BPD in my experience was that they were intermittently good. My mom ticked a lot of the right boxes and did a lot of the right things, but it was the times she dropped the ball or flew off the hook or over reacted to something that just made life feel not worth living. Because I could do everything right, be a good kid, and I still might just get her on the wrong day or asked to go do something particular with a friend and trigger some specific fear or trauma or something in the back of her mind and get the ‘crazy’ version. I would also say she was probably a lot of the time ticking a lot of the small picture boxes while missing the big picture. As you said, a parent should cheerlead their child, I experienced a bit of that, but I felt like I was getting cheerleaded quite arbitrarily. I was being pushed into gifted classes and clapped and praised for successes that I wasn’t really choosing a lot of the time, while also being denied chances to do other things that interested or excited me. So it was this sort of “I hear you telling me you love me, so why do I not really feel the love?” feeling that followed me around everywhere
No one is perfect of course, but from consuming content about parenting and being raised by parents with PD’s etc it seems that the neurotypical parent might also occasionally snap or do something silly or wrong, but they’re often capable of catching it, acknowledging it, apologising maturely for it and making up for it. With my mom it was always just endless justification, and “you don’t understand” and “it has to be this way” etc.
Thank you for the comment. Be well and take care.
Your comment is so helpful for me. You've put words to some of my experiences, as a child (now adult) of a parent who behaved very similarly. Thank you.
Absolutely. They always have one more fucking excuse. And it is absolutely intentional do not ever think it is not.
I’m sure she tried her best. I’m doing the best I can to recognize and change my behaviors but my kids don’t understand how much I love them. But my own life was so hard and I am so scared of anything happening to them. And i people plz so I can’t say no or have a hard time telling them what I want and feel and that’s how the aggression n anxiety builds up and then I explode on what to other ppl seems small but in fact it’s been building up. Like a sponge that’s full of water …
I think I have BPD and I want to fix myself for my sons sake. I don’t want him to suffer. When I am emotionally dysregulated I always apologize to him. My behaviour has me riddled with guilt.
I grew up with my mom having BPD and a personality disorder. My father is paranoid schizophrenic as well. I thank goodness I do not suffer from any of these afflictions but watching my parents has been exhausting to say the least.
Literally same wtf
Mum has bpd and drug addiction, dads paranoid schizophrenic!! I also developed bpd tho
Sounds like hell. So unfair for you. God love you ❤
my mum have bpd and binge eating disorder and my dad have npd and i have bpd, eating disorders since i was young child (was obese with binge eating disorder then anorexic after losing all weight and went back to binge eating disorder years later) and also i have a lot of narcissistic traits from my dad, it fucking sucks
@@FloppedASF that's awful for you.
Same
I had so many "aha" moments through this video, especially in connection with my relationship with my father. I feel the puzzle pieces are finally coming together. Thank you so much for posting this!
I’m so glad you found it helpful.
I never wanted or had children because I was so scared that my BPD could damage that child
I'm thankful I had my tubes tied when my son was 5. Now I understand why I struggled so much as a mother.
Your story is so sad, but you have been so responsible to avoid causing so much pain on another.
Good don’t have kids
that’s good. my mom has uBPD and holy crap it has taken control of/ tormented my life. it’s an aggressive and unforgiving condition, and has definitely devastated my growth as a person.
I wish I knew more about bpd before I had kids with their dad who had bpd. It's hard to see my oldest son struggle, I get triggered and stressed. It gets too much at times. I'm also a single mom and their dad doesn't help much if at all.
It definitely felt like walking on eggshells for me growing up. My parents were highly functioning BPDs and, under the stress of migrating to another country and climbing a steep ladder of success, vascillated between ignoring me/loving me/hating me in my childhood and through early adulthood. They were often abusive to me but also to each other. I think this was to establish a sense of “right” and “wrong” in their heads, except that definition changed depending upon who they were interacting with. Being an adult now, I feel compassion for them as their moral compass seems skewed by their own internal conflicts. However, it has made me very careful to retain my own boundaries and be okay to walk away from them if those are violated. It’s never easy to be a child of BPD parents, but it does teach you how important knowing your worth is.
Still haven’t gotten rid of that walking on egg shell feeling, most of the time I’m in like a freeze state where I feel like I don’t have permission to do something or that something bad and out of my control will inevitably happen. Fucking sucks and the worst part is when they don’t even see the damage they’ve caused you.
@Yan Blesz you, my.mother had BPD too.
My parents have destroyed my life . I don’t feel any sort of compassion for either of them .
As a parent with BPD I have a deep seeded fear of not being enough. Sometimes I feel checked out from my daughter, and it cause a lot of guilt. What helped was taking a child development course. Seeing what the child goes through at what ages has helped me so much to parent without guilt. Now, I’m teaching PreK!! I love it.
Insight is a powerful thing. Use it to learn about yourself and to build adaptive strategies to help yourself. Be well.
What was the course you took? I don't have kids yet but I would love to know more so I can keep it in mind for the future.
@@Crystalw5523 I took a growth and development class. It was so insightful. Since then I’ve taken many others that not only help me teach, but help me be a better Mom AND heal my inner child. Every time I have a parenting “win” as I call it, the more and more I heal that little girl inside me.
@@Shenanigans_Afoot Thanks for your reply. I will definitely look into that then. Congratulations on your progress and keep it up!❤
@@DrDanielFox
Any advice on a 73 year old mom with bpd?? I’m 53 year old daughter. My mom’s husband left her 6 years ago. I’m happily married. My mom wants to move to our state. I’m fearful it will be a shit show. She creates drama everywhere she goes. I know she’s getting older and will need my help but she’s so hard to assist or help. Her yelling, screaming and constant blaming is too much. She also won’t do older people paperwork such as wills, power of attorneys, medical directives.
Sad!!
Everything about BPD is all roses but real life with living with these parents is hell on earth. I’m sick of seeing nothing supporting those who survived their abuse.
I agree 100% with you Ray and I can truly relate to what you have experienced. My mother was too, a Borderline, and my childhood upbringing was a living hell.
just diagnosed, it's scary how everything adds up when you start digging. Take care.
I agree, Ray. I keep looking around to learn more and am not finding it either. I just recently told someone about the fact that my mother would constantly lock me out of the house. I would just sit outside until someone would let me in. Some nights it got pretty cold outside. I suspect that when i was little the neighbors would call her. She ignored me knocking on the door and ringing the doorbell. I thought that over time she would outgrow this, but when I was 59 years old she did it yet again. I was there taking care of her and she did it!
I was not allowed to have a key until she went to the hospital, so I vowed that from then on I would not leave anything in the house that I could not bear to leave behind. I told her that I would leave if it happened again. That meant packing up my car every time I left the house and taking my dog with me each time I left the house, which was very hard to manage.
It did not happen again because she went from the hospital to the nursing home where she will live out her final time on this planet.
When I was in junior high school she refused to take me to school, so I just started walking. It was a 2-mile walk, not a big deal but when people saw me walking that route they would have been alarmed. She drove by when I was nearly at school and I refused to get in the car. Teachers could just watch me come to school unsupervised.
I swear there are so many times when bad things could have happened as a result of me avoiding her abuse. There are many, many good people in this world who have watched over me without me even knowing it.
lol I know I was thinking the same thing. I think people with bpd are garbage human beings that shouldn’t be living around us normal people. They live to hurt, confuse, and traumatize anybody in their way. Every bpd I know feels sorry for themselves, and their expert victims hiding in the shadows waiting to crush somebody
Exactly! These parents are monsters and ruin their child’s life
I just found out my Dad has BPD. I'm not sure long ago he was diagnosed, he's in his 70s. we've been out of touch due to his condition. It's like now I can see how I can be compassionate towards him. I'm sending both he and my Mum a copy of Dr Gabor Mate's 'The Myth of Normal'. I hope whatever underlying emotional issues can be soothed by this book. My own development took 20 years of therapy to get to freedom and I feel my 'authentic self'.
I have BPD and have struggled all my life being a Mother, in general. I've always felt guilty about what my daughter has had to endure & witness over her life-time because of my 'disorder'. I know it's up to me to break the pattern because that's what it is, a well-known bad habit repeated over and over! I'm not going to blame my parents anymore, they were victims of victims, probably so I let their stuff go so I can move on instead of continue to harm my daughter with my behaviours & so forth. I'm so grateful that I can see what needs to stop and change.
I hear yah x
one more Mom here in the same boat. Thank you for your comment, I feel ya and you're not alone.
As a Father, yeah I feel this
I am there with you. I was diagnosed after my daughter turned 18 and wish I could have found out about my disorder before to give her a better experience.
I am wondering if anyone has any insight about being aware and taking all the steps to help heal bpd (iop,dbt,family therapy and individual thereapy) and your kids trying intentionally over and over to get you to lose it or even raise your voice so they can say look your yelling. I have been working for yrs on this and it's so upsetting and frustrating.
I had a weird little moment over Christmas with my BPD mother. (She may actually be in a place these days where the label may not really apply, but she was suffering pretty bad until maybe only a couple of years ago)
She made her first acknowledgment of the damage she did without making excuses for it. I’ve heard a million times about how bad her upbringing was and why that probably made her a bad parent to me, and I’ve sought some sort of catharsis or acknowledge or apology on several occasions and always gotten the excuses. “Yes I was overbearing but you just can’t understand how much I love you and how much it would hurt me if something happened to you!”
But at Christmas my younger cousins started watching the Simpsons on Disney plus. They hit play and it just started from S1E1, and they watched the first half a series. Mom was in the room and I, having been a ‘can’t watch the Simpsons’ kid, cracked a comment, “look, if this was what you made your judgement on, fair enough, this is kinda dark, and kinda shit.” At that point I got brushed off a little bit, but later we were in the kitchen tidying up and we sorta talked about the Simpsons a bit, and she actually came around and went, “you know, regardless of what I thought, that must have been really alienating not being able to watch the show everyone else was watching, I’m sorry.” A little bit of ‘I had it hard’ did come on the tail, but it wasn’t framed as a big “BUT” rather more of a “I just didn’t see any other way, and I was so influenced by others, who when you were young happened to be a hyper religious friend and a very controlling older sister, so sadly I exposed you to a lot of their bullshit second hand to try and get their approval, and that wasn’t fair”
Ultimately, not being able to watch the Simpsons seems like a pretty stupid thing to still care about in my 20s but having my mom, without really being prompted just acknowledge that she would have been a hard parent to have was incredible. And stupid as it is, the Simpsons ban is symbolic of a lot of arbitrary little pet issues she took on and used to exert control and alienate me from my peers. Lots of “yes every other kid your age is allowed to do X, but there’s a 0.00000001% chance you might choke on a seed, or slip and fall, or be groomed by a pedophile so I simply cannot allow you to ‘be normal’”
My mother controls ever last living, breathing thing. I can't ever watch what I want on television at her house. It is a HUGE thing not a "stupid thing" as you mentioned. It's about living a life with someone and being able to enjoy a really simple everyday event that normal people do, like enjoying a show. As children of BPD parents we don't even KNOW that it's normal to just watch TV together without all of what you described. Everyday life events are filled with knots from the moment you arise to the moment you lay your head on the pillow.
I think this describes my mom. I didn't really feel like my own person growing up. Before I left for college, we were so close, and I saw myself as an extension of her. In many ways, I didn't know how to exist independently. I was told that my lack of maturity was because of a disability I had. But I think it actually had more to do with our dynamic. Now, I am completely independent and it's great. I love my mom as a person, but I'm not sure if I can continue to have a relationship with her at all without compromising my sense of physical and emotional autonomy.
This was so much needed! I'm not planning on having children as I'm pretty messed up in the head. Plus, managing a relationship that might probably lead to that is exhausting and time consuming.
My parents divorced when I was 5 years old…both parents have provided a life of emotional neglect and narcissistic tendencies for me. I fear that I’ve developed BPD :( I’m so grateful for my boyfriend, he doesn’t give up on me ❤️
Thank you for helping me understand myself and diagnosis. I can’t express how much you’ve actually helped me. Looking forward to this live.
This video brings up a magic moment of explaining to my elderly mom the difference in thinking about the three states of mind in DBT. What a gift. She had my full attention, listening intensely. That interaction will stay with me forever ❤️.
I know she's looking down from heaven with a smile.
Could you kindly give a link to DBT related stuff? Thnx :)
Dr. Fox work books.
Thank you @drfox 👍
I watched this earlier on but I was emotional ( not triggered). The most valuable lesson I've learned being a mum to a boy who is now 29 is to recognise the absolute need to let your child go and achieve independence. It's so difficult - but if you can do this then I will attest that long term your ( adult) relationship will be stronger. By allowing your child to create independence and learn to flourish is very rewarding - I didn't realise at the time, but that's what you called Radical Acceptance that your child is an individual with a need to carve out a successful life without you hovering anxiously around all the time 🤷♀️ To all BPD parents - it's damned hard work but your own emotional sacrifice will be repaid by having a good, respectful and appropriate relationship when they become adult ( and married 😊). It is possible, despite the hard work!
Im grateful for the chance to read these comments and hear people out on how theyre parents behavior effected them. This helps me improve in my healing journey with PTSD/bpd..sometimesi feel Shame and discomfort seeing all the pain. But i understand these people have been damaged as well. I can say for me anyone ive frightened or hurt it was unintentional or i didn't fully realize the scariness or damage pf my actions or anger outbursts. I see a lot people seem very frustrated and hurt and traumatized themselves. Having been through narcissistic abuse myself. I think The children and families of bpd sufferers absolutely deserve their pain to be acknowledged and we have behaviors that we need to make apologies for. I think not saying anything or trying to protect ourselves and make excuses is equivalent to what the Narcissist does to their children. The only way to break cycles and hopefully give someone rhe peace i wanted is to break a cycle and open rhat door of taking responsibility and making amends. I hope and pray someone finds some comfort and peace. I don't like seeing so many people hurt. I feel like jesus has brought me a long way and ive done lot of the healing work. I feel if im in the place to offer up that transparency to someone who never got a mature conversation or apology it's my responsibility to at least say it. But my feelings dont like seeing so many people upset with their bpd loved ones but my mind and heart knows and acknowledges they deserve to be heard and understood.
Good job!...You made me cry. 😥 Thank you for acknowledging how hard it has been for the last fifteen years. 50% off the rails 🚂 and 50% accessing good supports. Next video? How BPD parents can differentiate in a healthy way and reduce the damage from unconscious patterns. Also, different developmental age periods of the child? That theory helped me. Instead of yelling AT my kid I would yell "You're four! You're four!" to remind myself to not do something that I would regret. 👍❤
Love that "your four, your four"!! All the best! :)
I just found your channel looking for insight on maintaining a relationship someone with BPD. I'm seeing a lot of insight on depression as well, which I was diagnosed with 16 years ago. I've only within the last few weeks put a name to something I've been experiencing everyday since I was 10. I'd absolutely love to see a video discussing ruminations and maybe ways to deal with, mitigate, or even get rid of ruminations all together. Living life constantly distracted is a nightmare! subscribing with hope!
I was diagnosed when I was 16 and swore I'd never have kids. Of course life had different plans and I had my daughter when I was 24. I tell her all the time, now that she's a teenager, that she's what saved me. I probably never would've taken the therapy so seriously if not for the fear of unintentionally hurting her. This video confirmed that it was all worth it. The thing I'm most guilty of is being intrusive in order to protect her. She is aware that I go through her phone and she just recently was allowed to create a social media. But she's very cool about it because of online predators. I bought her a journal and told her that I will never violate her privacy by reading that. She calls me a "drone mom", cooler than a helicopter who quietly hovers, watching in case she needs me lol. Thank you so much for this video, Dr. Fox!
You’re welcome ☺️
Thanks for reminding me that my children saved my life. I can feel like I screwed them up, and get all into that negative thinking, but I have to remember they saved my life. I have long term recovery from alcohol and pot smoking, and had it not been for my children, I shudder to think where my life would have led.
Sounds like you've got this 👍🏽 👌 💪 🙌 👏 💜
this comment gives me so much hope. I’m 23 soon to be 24 and I have a toddler. I truely believe I was meant to have her and all the trials and tribulations since as a sign from the angels to give myself a chance at life. The sabotaging behaviours I have are being felt heavily by my closest circle at the moment after a number of events this past week, especially by my baby. I bet mummy’s big emotions and withdrawing would be incredibly confusing for a toddler. I am giving myself grace though and staying present in the moment and applying self care and love. My cup has been filling these past few days. Keeping guilt at bay is hard, especially mum guilt. All I can do is keep trying. I am too certain that I can get a handle on everything and make myself proud in the process for digging my feet into the ground whenever that “other” voice comes in and tells me otherwise.
Godbless
My mother frequently told me I saved her life. It made me feel pressured. I wish she learned to do things for herself. I wish she had the capacity to value herself. 6 months no-contact and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done for myself.
Ty Dr Fox you help me a lots!! my Life has been hard. I have had a horrible time getting good mental health help. I raised 2 kids i know i made mistakes. I apologized for my weak places. My own Mothers 81 nrever told me she was sorry ..she hurt her 6 kids a lots!! I could write a Book. But would. Not know where to Start. Dr.Fox you help me more than you know!!
My mum has bpd, she refuses to get help and has pushed everyone in her life away. I was the last one supporting her and encouraging her to get help, then she tried to manipulate me with threats of suicide. I just feel so helpless and conflicted, life is easier when I cut communication with her but I feel immense guilt as I know she doesn’t have anyone else ☹️
I just want to say thank you so much for these videos and making them accessible. I haven't started therapy yet and your videos are helping in the meantime. BPD is still so stigmatized and it makes me sad to read about all the bad experiences people have had to endure but your videos give me hope. Thank you!
I asked my grown up daughter to think of 3 words that describe my parenting....she said.....Impulsive....fun......Strict....I loved being a mum to my children and was not diagnosed until I was 50....as soon as they left home my world ended, divorce then diagnosed....It was the shock of my life.....Can't wait this is going to be so interesting
similar situation here, the "empty nest" has been so hard for me. Can't let her go... :( am really trying.
@@hipmoma let her go before she tells you to let her go....please take my advice....the same happened to me with my son...my heart was broken when he said he was moving out...when it came to the day he said 'mum please just let me go and let me be me...I can honestly tell you that those words I will never ever forget...I knew it was true what he said....that hurts more...Warrior you can do it...all the best
@@deothang thank you sweetie. Mine already moved out a year and half ago. I mean let her go as in "EVERY DAY" HAHA
"mum please just let me go and let me be me..." Yes, I hear that frequently. 😞
I'm opposite, I can't wait for mine to leave... 1 gone, 4 more to go! I have no problem with people physically leaving, I have a touring feeling when people I live with treat me like I'm invisible, until they want something from me... That is pure torture for me & my fear of abandonment issue...
Odd I just thought I wished you had more on parenting with bpd and bam here you are. Just got my workbook. And book. Thanks
I’m so glad my material is helpful. Be well.
Been waiting for more on this. Thank you. 💜
I have a strong reason to think that I have BPD. However, after big lows in finding out and resolving to test it and seek help, this video was such a relief. Though feeling “estranged” and “overwhelmed” is spot on so often, I have spontaneously developed a non-spontaneous framework in order to parent every day. So much of it comes naturally out of the sheer love for my child, but so much is done knowingly opposite to what I may think of doing first. Being mindful of it all the time makes a world of difference. But at the same time, it is, I think, that trigger that makes you feel estranged because you’re not connecting to your child on the negative level you would naturally connect on. Sometimes it makes me feel like I’m fabricating the positive vibe, but it works. It’s so encouraging to not recognize my parenting in almost any of these though I tick all the boxes for BPD.
I am diagnosed with BPD and schizoaffective disorder. I believe my father also has BPD which I’m assuming I inherited from him. I wish I could help my dad, he is very frustrated and stressed most of the time. Once I found out I had it and put it together that he does too, I’ve been trying to become more self aware of my issues so I can help my mom understand him through me. He is unaware he might have it too. It’s been hard on me dealing with psychosis and trying to get him to not feel like he is on an island by himself. I care and love for my dad even though he has hurt me, and I’ve even convinced my parents to go back to therapy together. I fear I will never be able to have children, and so I treat everyone (including my own parents) like the way I wished to be treated as a child, hoping to make everyone else’s life easier. But I am exhausted. And I end up feeling like I’m on an island by myself. I feel like no one cares about me. I hate thinking my dad feels that way too.
Thank you. I needed this today. All other healthcare professionals just think you're not worth it (something a BPD shouldn't hear), but you actually give me hope.
You should have hope. That’s a good thing and I wish you well.
This was a very helpful video. My kiddos are 17 & 23
I 53,,am just now in the diagnosis process of having bpd.
Having a12 step program mentality does help & taking parenting classes helped.
Your video helped me understand more about myself. I have been in DBT for awhile now and it’s helping a lot.
Thanks for your videos & for explaining me to me❤
I had my son in my late thirties. I dont know how or why but my symptoms that were out of control in my 20's slowly lessened in intensity, so glad I waited. I have BPD, but the symptoms now in my late 50's are very different from when I was younger. Much less intense, but I've seen therapists most of my life/depression meds as well. I did best I could, my boy said I was a great mom, so, what more ask for. I wasn't a traditional mom, but good to hear! My son is more like my friend than my son and he has been since he was able to talk a lot of people said that was the wrong way to parent, but he and I have a very strong bond
Hormones could perhaps part explain symptom fluctuations and manifestations over a lifetime, in women especially.
@@Being_Bohemian that makes a lot sense! Never thought of that!
I had BPD, we have 3 small kids and I like to teach my children how to be independent, social and nurture their personalities.
Kids are simple, they copy everything they see.
I am so glad I found you! Your videos have been super helpful for me. I was diagnosed with BPD 4 years ago and I am starting to believe that my abusive mother has BPD as well. My cousin thinks she's a narcissist but I don't think so (while there are some similiarities). I believe BPD fits my mom's behavior a lot more. There's no real way of knowing what my mom has but I believe that by better understanding my mom, it helps me with my healing. And as a result, my own children will not experience the same cycle of abuse that has been passed on for generations. Thank you for this information! You are so appreciated!
I’m so sad that generational trauma has occurred because of misdiagnosis. Thankful for you and your teaching and insight on BPD. The next generation of parents with BPD will surely raise more calm and confident children.
If you know you have BPD, you should think twice about having kids...if you don't do your due diligence to keep it in check, you will cause SERIOUS damage...even if you don't intend it (and blaming your own childhood for your outbursts is just not going to cut it). Either get treatment or don't do it.
I had a kid and was diagnosed a year after. Some don’t realize that they have it.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
BPD people should never have kids they are not mature enough to have responsibilities
It's not a choice and you don't know you have it until you end up getting diagnosed because an complete tragedy happens
Your videos help me see my mom through a more compassionate lens. Thank you!!
Question: As an adult child, how can I respectfully approach my mother and grandmother of my children with a request to get screened/tested for BPD??
I was recently diagnosed at age 40 with Autism; this has helped me tremendously to understand many of my lifelong struggles. However, I’m still in therapy battling the many demons that my mother mashed into me as a child….I want to break cycles and not keep passing on generational trauma. How do I get my mom to hear me that I’m not only willing to work on my issues, but actively doing so…..but not alllll of our issues lie with me……she’s got some stuff to work on too(I believe her “stuff” is BPD).
tbh as someone who also has a mom with undiagnosed BPD, I tried bringing up many times the idea of therapy (without mentioning BPD ofc) and it always ended in a disaster of her lashing out at me like usual. There's this subreddit for parents with BPD and alot of children struggle with the same issue. The fact that their parents don't ever seek out therapy.
This can be complicated if they have other comorbidity personalities. Where empathy is not existing. Which can create more harm to the child. Bpd for my experience, they don't give children the chance to create their separate thought, feeling and provide them the validation that a child required to support their healthy self.
Thank you for your comment and this is a very accurate perspective and this is actually the impetus for me writing the complex borderline personality disorder book. Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance a.co/d/j5m2PZs
I was one of the people that requested a short about dealing with a parent that I believe (and what do I know, not a psychologist/psychiatrist) has bpd, so I *really* appreciate this video addressing this very topic. It really makes me feel heard and seen.
Life with my mom, growing up, for me and my younger siblings, was an unpredictable and oftentimes seemingly hellish nightmare, one which I subconsciously knew from my earliest ages that I was not supposed to tell anyone about. I never remember trusting or liking my mom, ever. My younger siblings seemed to be oblivious to her issues and she seemed to treat them better, but I always knew the danger that lurked behind every seemingly bland moment and you could tell she knew that I knew. She treated me worse than she treated my siblings, at least for a long time, but she was also wary of me, like she knew I was watching her.
All of this may sound completely ridiculous or like I'm making it up, but I'm telling you if you were there, you'd believe it.
It's hard to get anyone in real life to believe the stuff my mom would do. She doesn't have a close or even functional relationship with anyone she knows, yet few people that we both know are willing to acknowledge the difficulties that my siblings and I went through as kids (until of course she says or does the next inevitable alienating thing to someone, and then that person wants to complain to me, becsuse they know I'll believe them and sympathize, when other people won't).
Bpd is a tough thing to deal with in a parent in so many ways. But one of them is that no one believes you or tries to help you even when you tell them what hurtful things that person has done. As an adult now, married and with my own child, I'm so thankful I'm out of both of my parents' orbit, but boy was it a complete dumpster trash fire 24/7 till I moved out.
Tl;Dr thanks for this video, it's very helpful.
Hey. I had a very similar experience. I just wanted to say that your words ring true and you're not alone.
I believe you. It sounds familiar. Reading your story reminded me of one woman who believed me. It turned out to be a life changing conversation. Like I was given permission to move on with my life. I was in my late 20ties and still under my mother's control. I'm in my 40ties now and forgot about it until now. She knew my mother from her public side, yet she believed me. It was freeing.
I believe it. My mother in law has BPD and I have heard the childhood stories and witnessed these behaviours myself as someone who is on to her and she despises as a result. Especially rings true that you think people wouldn’t believe you because only people who know people with BPD can understand how crazy and manipulative they can be.
Dr. Fox, your videos are excellent and very helpful for my husband, who has BPD, and for me as well. We have learned a lot in the past 2 to 3 years through your comprehensive videos. Could you please post a video on the petulant subtype of BPD, similar to the one you made on the quiet subtype? This would be of great help. Thank you again!
Finally educating, informative video about BPD parents. Thanks doc❤
You explain it so well. I had a BPD mother, totally lacking in personal awareness and unable to keep her explosive rage in check. She never once said “I love you” to her kids. To this day, she is emotionally distant. Her preferred means of communication is email !! Suits me fine. I’d prefer that than faking affection.
Thank you for sharing and I wish you well.
I found it impossible to be a Dad to my daughter because of it "why can't you be normal like everyone's Dad"
We all have our own unique ways of dealing with it, so people understand but when people don't understand and put pressure on you to be a certain way, it's difficult. *edit after watching video (extremely triggering but I'm glad you can speak about how I felt about it. I don't want to go into detail but my ex was a narcissist and you can probably tell how the story ended) Thanks, Dr Fox. I live in England so hearing you describe very personal stuff that I myself struggle to put into words.
You are a truly brilliant man. You are so kind and sensitive. So constructive. I hope your wife and family are super proud of you. You're a real gem. ❤🇬🇧
BPD parent here. I didn't want to hurt my children with how i felt/ feel so I kind of learnt how to detach myself from them so It wasn't intense. I keep my internal life to myself. It is hard. I've had to observe other mothers and learn how to parent on my own. (My parents weren't role models) also researching alot. Luckily I'm very self aware and mindfull, I observe my own behaviour and see how others respond. I've not been perfect. But my kids are well rounded, Liberal and open minded humans that think about who they are and work hard.
Just step back and think hard before reacting/ responding. Is this helping? Is it about me?
BPD is damn exhausting alone, so with children it's harder. I didn't want to mess my kids up the way my parents messed me up. (They're forgiven, they didn't know how to parent)
We got this 👍🏽 💪 🙌 🙏
I have been struggling every darn day I have bpd and other problems also are child with autisum iam on my own and I don't know how to regulate my emotions she has been threw alot ,im learning to detach myself from her so I don't lash out at her or people around me
Heavy stuff, but I needed to hear it all. Thanks for the video.
This would have been amazing 23 years ago... 🙄But, at least I can start from now.
Thanks for this, it helps to think about BPD in terms of landscapes like you've described. I think it deepens my insight to flip it back onto how my parents may have felt independent of my own perspective, then switching it back to myself.
my mum got diagnosed with chronic depression and bipolar II but to be honest, I'm becoming a Psychologist and I clearly see her as a Waif BPD. I was really wanted by her as a baby but once I was born all exploded. I still have nights terrors (and I'm 24) of being really afraid from something "bad" that was living in my house. For some period I slept with knifes under my pillow cause I thought I was being attacked. The hardest thing about BPD compared to narcissism in mothers I find it is they bloody loved us, but they did ruin our childhoods and left permanent scars. Nevertheless, healing is a long process, but a promising one. Best wishes to all you lads, I hear your pain.
Look forward to this thank you ❤️
You are so welcome!
I felt overwhelmed and some helpless rage raising my spirited son. And the constant shame of not being the parent I wanted to be. My family has talked alot abd has moved forward in the healing process.
I found this so helpful - thank you Dr Fox ☺️
Hello Dr Fox. I wonder if you could arrange to do a follow up to this video with one specifically on parents with Quiet BPD, please? Thank you so much for all your work in this area and your support to so many trying to get through each day.
Great suggestion!
I recently found out my (late) mother has bpd which finally adds some closure as to why I have bpd as well
Can you do a video on parents with PTSD vs. BPD? What are the differences in the parenting issues that come up, if any?
IF ANY?! Wow..... Stop trying to make these two the same thing, they are NOT. One is a trauma response, the other is a personality disorder. There might be a few behaviors that on the OUTSIDE look similar, but they don't have the same source, the same triggers.These two are two completely different worlds. Actually ADHD has a lot of behaviors that, for the untrained eye, can look similar to both BPD and PTSD as well. But all of these come from completely different motivations and drives in the human brain. ADHD and PTSD are actually much more alike than any of them having any similarities to BPD. That is why you can get all of these diagnosed in one person, because they are completely different. If one has had people with these three vastly different conditions up close, one knows that they are not even in the same universe as each other.
It makes me so mad when especially people with BPD tries to make themselves victims and blur the lines between BPD and PTSD. Funny how people with PTSD never do that, huh... Classic personality disorder behavior to make themselves a victim and blame others for their horrible behavior. Shameful.
Hi Dr Fox! Can you please do a similar video on the effects of a child witnessing a parent with BPD having an episode in response to their spouse? So not really something directly relating to the child, but a child witnessing an episode that is unrelated to them and how this might affect the child. Thanks!! :) :) :)
Thanks for your comment and suggestion.
❤ that's so amazing content, very very good advices and such gentle aproach. My husband have a lot of these people in the station and their actions and stories break my heart. I think this can help people even without such disorder. ( Narcissist's kids, or ones without any parents at all and so on)
Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm glad you found the content helpful and hope it can make a positive impact on those who need it.
I think the worst things about being raised by a mom with bpd is how she was taken in by my father with npd she was
and also how easily she fooled everyone around her.
To be abused by your parent is one thing but to have people worship her and tell you how lucky you are to have her is another level of mind f÷##. Maybe anyone would have gotten fooled by my narc dad but she was working with him. Like they fed of eachother to destroy everyone around them.
Hi doc, thank you for making this video. My wife has recently been diagnosed with CPTSD to do with her experiences being raised by a BPD mother. I learned a lot from this video and like your teaching style. Do you have/plan on making any videos that I could learn more from?
Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm glad that you found the video helpful and that you like my teaching style. I appreciate your support and I'll definitely consider making more videos on related topics in the future.
i think my mom was narcissistic and borderline. it wouldnt usually be something i was doing outside the home, because she really didnt care, she was neglectful and i could pretty much do whatever i wanted - it didnt really feel like she cared for my wellbeing, but shed constantly explode and take it as me hating her and wanting to make her life miserable any time id be stressed in the house or do something wrong, or especially if i ever tried to have a conversation with her about the way she was, because she was never strict, she was just really unhinged and would scream and get violent and crazy, but if i tried to ever talk about the way i felt (and i would approach it in a practiced, gentle way) shed just literally say something like i hate her, or i dont understand how parent child relationships work and i obviously didnt respect her, shed literally walk away every time and it would always escalate into her yelling or crying after a few words, and shed talk over me and start yelling so i couldnt be heard all the time. and shed do this with everyone else too, just victimizing herself in every single little situation even in times where it would baffle you and her delusions would be clear as day. when i was young she was so surface-level nurturing, if that makes sense - she didnt do anything for my health, i never went to the doctor (were canadian so we have free healthcare and this was really abnormal), or the dentist, i couldnt see at school from the age of 10 to 14 before she finally took me to the optometrist (which is also covered here), she never renewed any of my ID and i literally couldnt get a job, however when i was little she would always spend her time, since she never had a job, planning huge birthday parties and reading me stories and setting up toys and games and just having fun with me, in hindsight, like a toy she could play with as a bored and unaccomplished adult, while neglecting all the actual responsibilities of having me. she kicked me out at 17 just before christmas and i ended up in a young womens shelter for 6 months, im finally on my feet now at 18. crazy parents are no joke and i have such disdain for people who are so selfish and fucked up and know it, yet choose to have kids anyway. it really confuses me whats wrong with my mom because ive never met anyone like her in my life lol, nor have i really heard any descriptions of a person like her. when i watch these videos, the principles of my mom are all there, but not quite expressed the same i guess
I realized something in my own family when I was very grateful for the neglect they gave me since the attention was little more than mom claiming I was miserable and accusing me of "thinking" things that were bad against her. Her constant anger was and is a problem. Now as an adult who moved in to help her with her health, (worsened by her own behavioral neglect of herself,) I feel at my whits end and finished. Its like living with an addict. The cycle is difficult and also little more than enabling and being picked on.
I completed a course in Attachment Parenting which incorporated Circle of Security while I was pregnant. Can’t recommend it enough for mums and parents with BPD. After she was born I did a DBT program which was life changing. I rarely experience symptoms and when I do the duration and severity are very mild.
2:15 deficits of self and selfunderstanding ... Dear Dr Fox! I'm just a bit more than 2 minutes into this clip and I got your warning about pssble triggers.
I'm not sure to continue or not atm.
Whatever u said up to now I felt like you were talking about me. One of the reasons I never wanted to marry was not to have kids. I found the task of raising them was just far beyond my capacity. Plus having an internalised fear that I will put them thru what I went thru as a kid. It's not about physical abuse or neglect, it's unfortunately more subtle - the things which were supposed to happen but didn't - emotional neglect.
I'm writing this ... because they, my kids, were beyond my capacity.
I feel deep guilt and shame and regret of my own actions or inactions and behaviours of which I only now come to realise why am I the way I am .
I'm sitting here at one a.m and thinking of wether I should continue....
Nevertheless I like to thank you for helping me understand myself a bit better - that I am human, it's just some things went wrong when I was young. Not to put blame on mum who raised me alone and who had her own mental and physical health issues. Thank you Dr Fox.
I made it up to 5:30 where you said that the actions are not always conscious and volitional ....
Soaked in tears wishing to have had all this information 30 years ago.
Destiny.
Halve an hour later.
I watched it all but don't think I'll be able to go to sleep now.
26 years of struggle explained in just 10 minutes.
I don't know what's the point of me watching it now - both my sons are grown-ups now.
Dr. I need your help on this one. I level with everything mentioned having felt this sense of wanting the best for your biological child. However, what about having a bio child along with a step child? I try my absolute best to treat them both equally. I try not to show preference and i as a parent with bpd my goal is to act in a way that keeps them on the right path. However, I struggle with that authenticity when it comes to raising my stepdaughter she is 4. I want that closeness and connection as I do with my daughter, and I have had beautiful, genuine moments with her but because she leaves to spend time with her bio mom, we only have her 3/4 days a week. It is like we have to build that bond all over again. my bpd thoughts:black and white thinking, splitting,fears of her rejecting me are keeping me from genuinely empathizing with her during the toddler meltdowns. I consider her feelings and have the same parenting approach(gentle parenting) as I do with my 1yr old but It feel so disingenuous that im feeling immense guilt about it. You may not reply and thats ok since you are being a superhero , hoping maybe other bpd parent with step children can relate to thus /may have some additional advice.
Thank you for your comment and I’m wondering if part of what you’re doing is trying to protect yourself from a sense of rejection or abandonment each time she comes and stays with you and leaves. This would be a difficult one to really provide any deep insight since it is more of a complex problem then we can address here. But I wish you all the best and keep building this insight and understanding.
My son and I were always very close. I left his father because of narcissistic abuse, and he kept trying to gain custody. Once my son started college my ex took him out of college to live at his home. My son has an estranged relationship with me now and is copying my ex husband's abusive behavior. I have to live with this every day and people don't understand that I haven't done anything
Can people with BPD or any other personality disorder just stop having kids, please. You do too much damage and no, you can not "therapy" yourselves into not doing that damage. And no, not all people with BPD had a bad childhood and/or bad parents, that's a myth. No-one with a personality disorder should have kids, people need to be aware enough to take that responsibility for themselves. And if they're not, the people around them have a responsibility to be honest and tell them to not have kids. It's incredibly egotistical of both the people with personality disorders to have kids, and of the people around them to not tell them not to have kids. Everyone has a responsibility in this to make sure that people with personality disorders don't have kids.
This is the truth!!!!!! my father has BPD and I developed it either from genetics or years of abuse from him.
I don't even have to think twice about never having kids I don't know why someone with BPD would want a child our lives are already hard enough and we know we can be damaging.
People take it as an insult but it's not. To have children takes a special person not everyone can do it and that's okay.
I am a father with BPD & ADHD. I have a beautiful son of 4. His mom and me are not together anymore. I see him 2 days a week and its so difficult. I have therapy but its not enough. Going to intensive therapy end of the year. I really hope things get better so he gets the father he deserves.
It's commendable that you're seeking help and working on yourself for the sake of your son. Remember, every step you take towards healing is a step towards being the father he deserves.
Great video, thanks Dr Fox
You’re welcome ☺️
Thank you for this! Do you have any insights on bpd and self isolation?
I've often thought that my mother had BPD. I knew there was something wrong as long as I've had memories of her. She never did anything about her issues, claiming "I'm poor", yet buying enough clothes to not be able to close 2 huge closet doors. She also recently gave 13 bags of clothes away and remarked that she still can't close her closet doors.
My mother has said she’s been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. She didn’t raise me so I’m not around her a lot... but she has mood swings & can go from seemingly loving to cold & rejectful over very small issues. I’ve discussed this with my therapist and my therapist thinks she sounds much more like a Borderline. I didn’t dare tell my mother this because I knew there would be hell to pay! Interestingly, my mother grew up in a stable home environment as a “daddy’s girl” and never came from a broken home like I have. I’m not sure why she would have developed BPD.
I have a parent with some kind of PD, if I could go back in time I would have just emancipated myself and joined the military and not come back home. I kind of regret how many sacrifices I’ve made for that person but feel guilty for feeling that way. I just had absolutely no one, no proper guidance, no support, it was a very dysfunctional childhood and not a lot of people know or can relate to what I’ve been through, it was exhausting as I felt as if I had to grow up rather quickly.
Idk if I have this but I have many symptoms. The thing I'm most afraid of and what's extremely sad to me is that I feel like my issues and reactions will hurt the child so badly. It might even become emotionally abusive. It's why it's devastating that I think I shouldn't have kids. I also think having a partner would become burdensome. I'm sorry but this video is proof to me that I shouldn't have kids. Even if I do try to get better I don't think it'll ever amount to a normal parent child relationship. So my sister was right. No one should ever be with someone like me with so many issues. I'm only sharing how I feel in the moment and I'm not looking for sympathy or empathy. It's just an honest expression of how I feel. I'm not looking for attention either.
I want to encourage you to see him and I hope provider to address these issues. I wish you well.
You are correct, you shouldn't have kids. No-one with a personality disorder should have kids, people need to be aware enough to take that responsibility for themselves.
I have a BPD father and I basically inherited BPD please don't have kids if you have BPD please
Very interesting ! Sadly I am listening, not my son's narcissistic father, who wouldn't take any advice whatsoever. He moved out and the boy doesn't want to hear anything about him anymore.
It is very sad..for all of us.
Please can you do a video on children/adults with BPD but parents not understanding the disorder or know their child even has it
Sure, thanks
My mother just rejected motherhood, and blamed myself (when young) and my father for destroying her life. Common prase now, I am NOT your mother, I am your friend! As my stomach sickens. I am grateful she locked me out so often as a child as my grandmothers (fathers side) was nurturing and kind.
Very helpful info! Thank you 😊
Very timely video
I have been symptom free for 16 years until i had my daughter and she became critically ill. Now all I feel is guilty 24 / 7 for all the times I have got cross with her and what if she dies young she's 4. This has sent me spiraling but I don't seek help for fear of being deemed a bad mum. I feel trapped. Thanks for this information. I have just bought your highly recommend self help exercise book. I am excited to get to work on it.
Symptom resurgence, can be very disheartening. It’s also important to know that if you were able to manage your symptoms and behaviors in the past that you are the greater likelihood to manage and control them in the future and have symptom regressions again. I wish you well.
@@DrDanielFox That's so promising. Thank you.
What about the undiagnosed mother who has all of the characteristics of BPD and yet refuses to admit any problem and denies all of her adult child's memories of emotional abuse? (and who continues with abusive behaviors and who continues to deny engaging in any of them)
Could you please do a video on parents with BPD and your kids have mental health issues as well.
Thank you for your videos. 💕
i have BPD and no relationship with my 14 yr old daughter it breaks my heart but i feel so poisonous to her its been 10 years since I've seen her 😥 i was only diagnosed 7 years ago but have suffered from it since my early 20s i believe
Thank you for the video, very helpful ♥️
Glad it was helpful!
So how do we fix it so this doesn’t continue to create a cycle and traumatise our children the way we were traumatised
Please do a video on coparenting with BPD partner
My S.O and his sister was raised by a BPD parent. I would also venture to say with narcissistic tendency.
Trying my best to help them overcome their childhoods. Unfortunately, the parent only sees themselves in these relationships and doesn't address the traumas that were put on the children. :/ watching this video I realized my best bet is to just help the children.
Can't wait this will be interesting as I am a BPD parent with two BPD daughters and were all living in different places so diagnosis was a surprise when I knew they had it as well. Is it genetic or learnt behaviour from me 🤔 hmmmmm!
both!
My parenting is actually pretty good, most moms struggle anyhow. My biggest problem has been with my husband & his mother. He has taught them my training for them doesn't matter... He has some issues possibly ASD or sociopath... He is very narcissistic but passive... I have been worn down now too far & now I want a divorce, because being a single mother with 2 was easier than being married to him! Now we have 3 together & my oldest is moved out, but I just don't see this getting any better, only worse...
Why do some parents with bpd look to their kids/adult kids to re-parent them? Also why do some bpd parents treat their kids/adult kids more like a parent, spouse, caregiver, friend b4 treating their kids like the sons n daughters they are for lack of better wording. Is it possible the bpd parent has untreated, high end the spectrum bpd plus some other pd or mental health issue? I do understand bpd effects everyone with bpd differently.
My guess is that cptsd is active in this mix.
Bpd creates heavy dependence on others. They lack self awareness if they do that. Way to heavy a burden to put on the child. That's why I'd tell myself my children aren't responsible for or to validate me but to be children and cry and demand their needs be met. Cuz that's the truth. They owe me nothing. They're young and new to the world. It's easy to cry about what you didn't get as a child but bpd parents have to ask themselves if they want to continue the cycle or break it.. Cycle breaking is painful but with bpd anyone who is still here and hasn't checked out knows the pain of bpd the pain of change is only going to bring about better results not worse. We have to choose which pain is worth it. The pain of bpd itself forever or the pain of improving. The children deserve that improvement point blank center.. If we know we were harmed as children and we often do a good way is to take the energy from all that anger is to put into protecting the children we have now. Realizing anger is our self love emotion. Instead of hurting our kids we can protect our kids like we needed by seeing that the pain of change is worth it.. Rather than the pain of staying the same and damaging them forever
I just want to thank you for always being so compassionate & conscientious in how you talk about BPD. A lot of other mental health professionals demonize us, which is very triggering. The way you discuss these issues is much more healthy & productive. You discuss these issues as issues that may or tend to arise rather than as inherent, immutable & intentionally malicious traits. You foster a safe environment for people with BPD to access information & examine ourselves. The work you are doing in the way you are doing it is so very important. Thank you so much!
Everyone demonizes you. You are such a victim. You definitely don’t create victims, do you?
@@rayr268 BPD is caused by trauma. Your apparent need to be cruel & callously invalidate someone else's trauma is also a result of trauma. Maybe try going to therapy & healing your shit instead of trying to hurt me, a stranger who has done literally nothing to you? I don't think hurting me is actually going to improve anything in your life, but if you think so, knock yourself out, bud.
@@rayr268 Well said!
Everyone who says the truth is triggering for you people.
@@z.m4825 Thanking someone for being compassionate is "self-absorbed"? I didn't realize that. I'd thank you for your kindness in letting me know, but that would just be making this about me, & it's not about me, this is about *you*. I apologize. I also wasn't aware that thanking people for being compassionate was crazy behaviour. I will be sure not to do that anymore.
Also, @rayr268, I apologize for blaming you for my crazy behaviour in thanking Dr. Fox for his compassion. That was not cool. I didn't even realize I was blaming you for that because I didn't realize that thanking him was a bad thing that hurts so many people. I never intended to trigger you or @z.m4825. I am so sorry that me thanking Dr. Fox traumatized you two. That's horrible! I'm so sorry! Please take care of yourselves.
Thankful for your content. Hope that all borderline parents out there have a good day.
Thank you for your comment and to all the parents with borderline personality disorder.
I've been diagnosed by multiple psychologists with BPD since I was a teenager. Now, being pregnant, the thought of parenting terrifies me because most of the attitudes I've seen towards mothers with BPD is that it's inevitable that you'll mess your child up. I love that Dr. Fox takes a different approach and tries to help people build confidence as parents rather than just saying "there's no hope, you're doomed".
I have all signs of BPD. And my kids are six and seven, I homeschool them, and they're totally normal happy kids, well adjusted, etc. Sometimes my husband is really strict he will make me leave the kids alone or tell me to stop yelling. But just because you have BPD does not mean you can't be a great parent.
@@BeingBetter Yeah, I believe you can be a great parent with BPD too, mostly due to watching these videos. I'm proud of how far I've come, and know I still have plenty of areas to grow in, but I'm slowly gaining my confidence as a mother. I'm learning, like Dr Fox said about throwing a parade for positives with your children, that I have to do that for myself as well. I know I won't be perfect, but I do feel that I'll grow to be a good mother to my little girl. ❤
Thanks for commenting about your story. Dr. Fox's channel has helped me and I believe it can help you, too.
I worried too, and went through lots of anxiety... but no matter what if you are being self-aware, you won't be perfect, but you'll do fine, if not better than you think! To me being married & parenting with my husband way WAY WAY WAY harder than being a mother!
@kelly Jean please don't worry. You will excel because you are prepared to put the hard work in. My boy is 29 and married but chose to settle down 10 minutes up the road, so it is possible. @drfox is helping so many people here. Coming from the UK where this expertise is woefully inadequate, I am still learning age 58 😂😂😂 ( omg how DID that happen 😬). Take care
My mom resembles everything you described. I secretly acknowledge to myself that I should be a LOT more messed up than I am, but I came out the other side only with schizoid PD, which isn't too bad. Obviously a trauma response, but it could be worse. She was actually a "good mom" "on paper", but boy were there a LOT of papercuts.
There is no way my kids father would ever get to therapy. He has stated, over his dead body. The topic just caused more ongoing issues.
About the "negative", he has said he believes negative criticism will encourage others to change.🤷♀️
Wow I was that child with that mother and became that mother who now feels completely horrible and cannot forgive myself for what it’s done to my children. It’s horrible
I have a wife with bpd, as a husband (who also has Asperger’s) are there courses or resources for caregivers to become as efficient as possible to help their loved ones? Certifications or minor degrees?
I'm an EUPD/, BPD parent and I'm an absolute car crash. It's still so stigmatised in the UK. Most psychs just throw meds at me and send me on my way. I wish we had a DrFox over here. My kids see the destruction I cause myself. No support for them either. I'm 42 and still no closer to feeling any kind of level of "normality" . This should be a very interesting watch
ditto girl...our mental health system is so bad...x
Im an American man and its still stigmatized here as a womans thing... I think we all need to keep pushing to get the word out and break that stigma
Dr. Fox is everywhere! UA-cam.
They're your kids lol they don't owe you anything much less support. Stop being so entitled and sell support from the proper places
@@Shri100percent Seriously ? Somebody opens up about their personal life, shows vulnerability, and all you can do is try to make them feel worst ?
Lack of empathy ✅
She said support FOR them, not FROM them.
Doctor, do you have any information for children who suffered abuse from parents with BPD? I thought this video was going to touch on helping victims of abuse from people with BPD. But, it seemed to just be about telling people that parents with BPD have.good intentions, but are unintentionally clingy. Yet, this highly simplifes the abuse they sometimes inflict. Do you have any tips for their victyanout how to cope with the PTSD they caused them?
Thank you for your comment! I truly appreciate your insights and understand the need for more comprehensive discussions on this topic. Your feedback is invaluable, and I’ll definitely strive to include more resources for coping in future videos.
My ex husband is BPD I thougth all this time he was narcacist but I diagnosed him recently BPD I have learn about this disorder as I believe it will effect my child,I am kind of glad he is not a narcacist now we know he is BPD we treat him like child and it does work sometimes even thougth it draines my energy as empath and highly sensitive individ which I am suspect my child is too as she can not idenfy 100 procent what is wrong