Why Does Your Attachment Style Matter? | Kati Morton
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- Опубліковано 6 чер 2024
- I'm Kati Morton, a licensed therapist making Mental Health videos!
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On a second date with someone at a restaurant I said with a smile, "Excuse me a moment" and got up from my chair to go to the restroom. I'll never forget the reaction from my date. Written words cannot describe it. A look of sheer panic and distress came over him that was so palpable I stopped in my tracks. I got the sense that my date felt like they were about to be abandoned right there in the middle of our date. I reached out and touched them and said "I'm not leaving, I'm just going to the restroom." The panic then melted away from them and I went. That was my first sign there was something very wrong with them. My bag and jacket were still on my chair when I got up- where else was I going to go, but the restroom? As the relationship progressed they continued to have strange lack of connection in regards to affection while at the same time looking afraid at times when they felt they weren't going to get it. As if they would shut down emotionally. Later I learned from his ex that his mother was a horror and not responsive to children including her own. I had to break up with him because he just lacked a great deal of empathy and was not healthy to be in a relationship with, but I'll never forget that reaction of panic that came from him that night at the restaurant. It breaks my heart even still today.
Oliv Trees I’m sure you breaking up with him really helped him out with his attachment issues 🤣🤣🤣
@@TheNormal256 it's not their responsibility to fix him. You have to take care of yourself first and foremost. I think they did great getting out of an unhealthy relationship
So you dumped him because he was afraid to get dumped? Sounded like you helped him heal...
@@Thefishingcaddy No, dude, he should of never been in a relationship in the first place, he can't handle it. And it's not her job to fix his abandonment issues or stay with him forever just cuz he's afraid. It's his mother's fault, not her's.
JustSomeKid InTheComments
Shout out for my homie over here.
You are great. Keep being a cool cucumber.
My childhood emotional trauma messed me up. I've never had a close relationship with anyone. I get anxious and fear everyone is going to leave. I get clingy. Push people away. End up being by myself, when that's not what I want.
You will be okay❤️ and you aren’t alone
Cody Johnson i really hope you’ll become more trusting when you find someone you find trustworthy, i am the exact same way as you, but i’ve found one person i trust and it’s amazing, so i hope you find someone too to trust
Sending you much love
My son needs therapy. We love him so much but he isn't vunerable to anyone besides me and his father. He is open to us on how he feels with other people that in his life. He has admitted he will break off a relationship before they hurt him instead. And Anger is somehow mixed with all of this. He's 25. People just love him. Hes caring and thoughtful and naturally funny. But he says he can "drop a relationship easy and not give a F***. It..its just very sad. I don't know how to help him.
Cody Johnson might be borderline. Get help and sort it out, wish you all luck because loneliness is pure poison.
I recently learned that my attachment style is "Fearful Avoidant" (Disorganized) and it shows up in my relationships, especially with men. I have a desire to get close but I choose unavailable partners because deep inside I'm afraid of getting close. If one does happen to try I do something that sabotages it and take us back to a safe place. I see it happen in other areas of my life too. Now that I'm aware I'm working on getting to the root and healing it. Thanks for the tips.
I can really relate to this
Me too
I’m the absolute same 💚
same, i sabotage everything
@@didiyuyu522 i lost my best friend from sabotage.
something I learned about attachment styles in my developmental psych class that I found really interesting is that even though children who are anxious avoidant don't show distress when their caregiver leaves, they actually still show somatic signs of stress like an increased heart rate and sweating!
That is interesting!! Like their bodies know it should be stressed out!!
that's crazy, my dad died when i was little and im a super anxious person -- ive also ALWAYS had a higher heart rate than most people. I thought it was so strange too because I've always been physically healthy and wasn't doing anything differently. that's so wild.
Kati Morton I still get it so it always seems obvious to me, but it’s nice to be able to quote studies for others. Making noise/touch demands provoked angry outbursts when I was a kid so I usually go quiet and avoid people when I have emotional needs or feel pain. For parents who neglect/abuse I suggest wiring a pulse monitor for kid to a Taser for adult. They’ll soon get the hang of it.
Learning to self soothe was something I learnt very young but as an adult I find it super hard. I think it’s trial and error on things that help. I think I identify with insecure avoidant the most. Letting people in is hard because people are unpredictable. Another good video Kati. Thank you ♥️♥️
Trial and error can definitely help :) So glad you enjoyed the video! xox
Kati Morton Which one does Trauma Bonding fit into? Where there is inconsistent parenting, nice one time, abusive or rejecting the next? Seems like the trauma bond is more difficult to break than the love bond.
@@recoveringsoul755 Attachment styles can be different based on each person we interact with i.e. we can have an insecure ambivalent attachment with romantic partners, but insecure avoidant with friends or family. Trauma Bonding according to the person that coined the phrase is "a strong emotional attachment between an abused person and his or her abuser, formed as a result of the cycle of violence". This is a newly created term that come from the field of sexual addiction and would fit into the disorganized category. Trauma bonding believe it or not does have to do with love, or at least the pursuit of it. Having positive feelings toward someone that abuses you has nothing to do with the abuse. The abuse is ignored in favor of obtaining something the person being abused see's as more important and valuable than their safety, such as an emotional connection or attention that are intermittently sprinkled into the interactions in that relationship that is an external way of obtaining an internal need that the individual feels they are willing to suffer the abuse to obtain. The way to correct and heal this is to therapeutically process the trauma that caused this type of bond to become an acceptable means of meeting ones own needs in the first place, which is usually occurring within one's family of origin during childhood.
The securely attached person listens to the song "I'll be there" by the Jackson 5. The avoidant listens to "Miss Independent" by Kelly Clarkson. The ambivalent listens to "Hot and Cold" by Katy Perry. The disorganized attached person listens to "I can't get no satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones, among others. Thx for the vid Kati!
DaKween 81 Love it
Woah cool man
I feel attacked....
brooo🤣
I don't know why I started chuckling at this 🤣
Please make a video on absent fathers or estranged inmediate family pls
Oh, yeah, because she'd know. Don't ask males, lol.
What about them?
@@DarkCarbunkle she means the effects of having estranged family or absent fathers. Obviously
I’m estranged from my remaining family because they are horrible people.
I never knew it had a name, but 'insecure ambivalent' is literally the thing that frustrates me the most about myself. Whenever I tried to explain it to others, ex my mother, she thought I was crazy.
Getting what I want makes me so upset, then I get upset because I'm upset, then I question my privilege and get upset at how selfish I seem to be, and it's a downward spiral of self-hate.
WHY ARENT THINGS LIKE THIS TAUGHT QT SCHOOLS
School is a systematic construct to make us spend money with the hopes we will make more in the long run after acquiring our pieces of papers
School is just a mold, a place for pointless politics, a tool used by those in power.
What is wrong with you guys who keep telling why school don't teach this? There are alot of things which learn from learn yourself from experience of harsh life, from parents etc
i would rather much learn this than learning about the slope formula 🙄
It was at my school. I took AP Psychology.
I'd probably be the 4th one just because I don't fit the others. Growing up, I was terrified of strangers and pretty much stuck to my parents, my mum especially. However, she hated how I was sensitive and emotional so I was also very fearful of her and ever went to her when I was upset/ tried to hide it. So basically I was always scared or worried in some way. I guess that explains why I'm really anxious
Wolfferoni i think we have a similar situation, my parents always bring that i was really attached to them when i was little, but with time i felt less attached to them, because they were caring but at the same time they always told me not to cry and said mean things like: oh.. You're going to cry? Like it was stupid. Analyzing your situation in general is mostly to be the 4th one, because like you said it was confusing, and you don't know who you can trust, because even your parents were unpredictable, i hope you can get better with your anxiety (i have anxiety too) because related to your childhood is really difficult to deal with.
That's really sad - I'm sorry it was like that for you. Maybe seek therapy and talk to someone which will help
Watching your videos explains so much to me about myself.
I remember when I was in college (3 decades ago!). I learned about dysfunctional families. After class, I drove home crying all the way because 1) I learned that what I had gone through had a name and 2) that it wasn't normal.
Do you think you could talk about executive dysfunction? How to describe it to loved ones, how to overcome it, etc?
yessss, this!
I will have to do some research since I don't know that much about this as of yet.. but it is on my list!! xoxo
I would love to learn more about this.
Selectfew ??????
I'm definitely interested in this topic too!
My dad has always been quite distant, very afraid to show emotion, whereas my mum was the opposite, clingy, and over-affectionate to the point of being overbearing, yet as a kid I ALWAYS latched onto my dad, and as an adult adopted his 'distant, but definitely there, and I love you but I don't need to be in your face about it' style of family relationship. My mum's side of the family are all in each other's business, they all contact each other every single time a day without fail, maybe even multiple times, and wonder what happened if someone misses a day, whereas me and my dad are happy to see each other as little as every 4 months, but still love each other. You can imagine how confusing it is for my mum that I find her constant contact irritating and unnecessary and I did wonder why, when my mother was always my primary caregiver bar a couple of years of my life, I might have ended up with such a totally different communication style, but this makes some sense of that. I relate to the insecure avoidant type there. When I was growing up, between may 7 and 13 my mum was extremely neglectful and an alcoholic. She was definitely NOT there. Whereas even though my contact with my dad might be rare, he was always there and always very routine and consistent. So I'm guessing that neglect was the cause of that attatchment style? Or is that too late in life?
Your videos really help inspire me to pursue my university course in mental health nursing!
Yay!!! So glad I could be help you follow your dreams :) xoxo
I'm pregnant with my first child. And I think I have the insecure ambivalent attachment style... In my relationships I want people to comfort me but then I push them away and it's hella confusing for me and my partner. I want to work on getting better because I don't want to mess things up for my baby.
My ex gf was very much like that. It was very confusing on an almost daily basis.
How's everything going? How's the baby?? 😍😍🥺💜
I’m in bad shape. I have no one to talk to. I need to find a therapist but it’s sooo hard.
Try betterhelp
Finding a therapist is hard. Step 1: Look up therapists online. Step 2: Find one who seems like they work in the areas you need help in. Step 3: Realize they charge 150$/hr. Step 4: Close the web browser and do something to distract yourself.
Better health app therapy phone app.
Disorganized attachment is seen to be a huge factor within dissociative disorders. As someone recovered from depersonalisation disorder I have had to do a great deal of work within therapy looking at the causes of my disorganized attachment. A common issue is a parent that is processing trauma or mentally unwell in the first 3 months or a parent that is aggressive towards/ frightened of the child. I feel understanding your own narrative is so important to integration and self soothing. It's a scary process but it's incredible how it brings your sense of self into a complete and solid concept. Dp, BPD and DID all link to this original attachment breakdown and often it's the severity of the following trauma that determines the outcome.
Thanks you said what I needed to so eloquently.
so.. for example.
my mom doesn't know who she is.
she is too nice. too giving.
and smothered us. cause she grew up with a narcissist mom, and distant weak dad.
so... that anxiety.. that shes not even aware she has... could have messed me up...?
Omg I have been wanting this video since the first day I saw your channel. Thank you so much Katie!
Omg I love how you reply to a lot of your comments you’re such a nice person
I really love this video being uploaded the day after me and my therapist discussed my attachment issues it helps me better understand it
You're amazing at what you do, thank you for putting these videos on the internet.
Thank you so much! I've really been trying to get this topic simplified in my own head so that I can start acknowledging it and working on it in my personal life and with my therapist and you broke it down so clearly :)
its amazing how every time im struggling with something, you make a video about it :)) its wild. i feel like i fit under disorganized most, though i see some avoidant as well. thank you so much for all your helpful videos.
I learned so much in this video!! Thank you for your help!
Great video Kati! I use this so much in my work with couples! Thanks so much for sharing!
I appreciate your channel so much, since I've hit several really low points with my mental health, I've been desperate for progress. But finding help has been so much harder than I ever expected (severe social anxiety made it feel impossible), it was very disheartening. I've tried for years to self help but nothing seemed to be clicking. Your videos have made a big difference in my hope & determination. I went so long being ashamed of simple things, like not feeling healthy after a successful "graduation" from needing therapy. You helped me see the irrelevance and cycle was keeping myself in. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and time, it's a beautiful thing your doing the way you are using UA-cam to try to help people. 💕
Such a good topic! Actually did a paper on this in college and loved learning more. Thank you for doing this!
I am def going to ask my therapist about this at my next session. Thank you so much for these great videos!
i'm on the 4th attachment style. i remember it being a topic during our basic psych classes in college but never thought about it much up until now when i've finally learned to introspect better and notice myself a bit more. however, i've never tried to talk it out to my parents let alone to a therapist.
never with my parents because they've shut me down so many times in the past that the distress of what i feel is important or feel in general being deemed irrelevant is no longer worth the effort of connecting to them past shallow levels, and never to a therapist because of access and money issues. thankfully, your videos, kati, at least helps me learn about how to at least manage myself and my issues a tad better. thank you so much. you've been a huge help ever since i've found your channel.
You are just perfect! Thanks a lot for all that explanation!
Hey Kati, just started watching you and the way you deliver information is so helpful and encouraging. Thank you!
As a young mom to a 3 year old this has been very helpful to understand where I stand and where he stands. Thank you.
perks of not being able to sleep is that im up for your video!
Woot woot!! I hope you are able to nap later today :) xoxo
Thank you so much Kati! Loads of super helpful information as always!
Great video! Once again Katie, you have helped me make some sense of my confusing self. Thank you!
Kati u r so beautiful inside and out, i can tell u actually care rn im giving u a virtual hug. Thanks for all your help.
This was really informing. Thank you.
I love this video. You always have a brilliant way of explaining things, you give examples from everyday life which is helpful! 😊
Love your personality and quick videos that get to the point.
I'd never heard of insecure/disorganised attachment style before. That description rung a bell... Thank you Kati!
Hi! I just started to watch your videos and I just wanted to say that what you're doing is awesome, spreading knowledge about mental health and making more information available to the public --so many people are affected by these issues and yet there's still such a lack of transparency in the DSM and a stigma around anything linked to mental health. :/
I'd also really appreciate it if you could make a video about the difference between suicidal OCD obsessions (like when you have harm OCD and fear hurting others, except its yourself) and actual suicidal urges. I've had OCD since I was 13, went through a traumatic family event a few months ago, and I think the full stress of the situation is hitting me now; I can't seem to distract my mind from the fears so it'd be wonderful if you could make a video that clears things up. And thank you for everything you're doing :)
I have an ambivalent attachment style. This video was so interesting after recently studying attachment in my counselling degree. Thank you katy 😊
Hey Katie, you've really helped me with my problems by telling me a lot of things I need to know. Thanks for that 😊😊😊
Such an interesting video, Kati! I just learned about the attachment types in my psychology class a few weeks ago, in our chapter on human development. I love being able to watch your videos to learn more about the topics we cover in class.☺️
That was very interesting and informative, thank you. I'm going to show this to someone who I know went through some trauma when he was a kid.
This is an excellent video. I have heard of the attachment styles but I have not heard them described in a way that I really understood until I watched this. Thank you.
❤️Thank you Kati. I have recently started a long awaited essay project on attachment disruptions and how this effects children in school. Your information has outlined some interesting areas to consider x
Thank you so much for this informative video. This is unrelated but I wanted to say I recently found your channel and it has helped me a lot with trying to understand my eating disorder, why I restrict as a punitive measure and how it is okay to make mistakes ( I relapsed with my purging a few weeks ago). I'm so grateful for your knowledge and kindness.
I love your videos, they help me a lot
Kati, thank you very much for explaining this. My son was born at 24 weeks & spent 3 months in the NICU. His nurse, although lovely was very attached to him & at times I feel interrupted our bond as mother/child. She would insist on holding him even when I was there. It was confusing for me & very hurtful & there was absolutely no reason for it. I was a 31 year old mom who already had 1 child.
Hes 9 years old now & we are close as can be but I really missed our time together those first few weeks.
thank you Kati for welcoming new people, not every UA-camr does this kind introduction.
This video was amazing (clear, positive and on-time) exactly what I wanted to learn about.. When seeking help about difficult relationships, I'm most often asked what the other person is doing to me, but what I needed to know was how to be aware of how I'm contributing to this situation .(it's equally important in the long run)
Thank-you so much for talking about this. I'm fearful avoidant, I never wanted to admit that I had trust issues, but it's prevalent. Especially in a romantic relationship.
Hey kati! Could you do a video on absent fathers/mothers and the affects of it? I love your videos and i'm so happy i found your channel 💜
Wow I really needed that this morning. Thanks. ♡
Thank you for all the videos !! I love your Channel
Your video's are really great, you know what you are talking about and explain things in such a light but informative way that is excellent. It's hard to find good therapists or mental health professionals who really get it, but you do get it :) and If I lived in the US I would 100% have you as my therapist!!!
I know this is a huge topic and you couldn't possibly condense it all into a short video. Thank you for putting it together! I'm interested in where the research takes us as far as Reactive Attachment Disorder and Disinhibited Social Engagement Disorder.
your skin is amazing!!
This is so perfectly timed 💜💜💜
I've talked with my therapist about this in the past and I'm definitely insecure avoidant. Makes life fun for my partner now because I need ALL THE VALIDATION. I am working on it though!
Kati I,m getting Attached to you ! What a breath of fresh air you are! You are so cute If I had a daughter I,d want her to be just like you! I am A Viet Nam Vet ! I have had Mental Issues. Just found a counselor at the VA. My wife of 24 years just passed away . I no I can,t do this alone!
I've never identified my attachment style, also my childhood memory is quite blur.
Most of my story was told from my parent and grand parents.
By the way, I recall my attitude toward my parent as stranger mostly. I remember the feeling of not belonging to this whole world, like Im kind of different creature.
I always have problem with socialization.
I normally feel awkward to present in any party, also avoid having conversation with my co-workers.
So, I'd like to thank you for making this video. I hope my next appointment with psychi will be far more beneficial than usual. At least, I percieve what I supposed to focus and inform.
Thank you for making this.❤
Thank you Kati! I am enjoying your videos between my regular therapy sessions. I am getting a lot out of the knowledge you bring up and have a story to share as many others may as well. mine is one of a Trama at a young age that I did not talk about to anyone for most of my life. Over 30 years went by and as an adult I can now see that a lot of my mental health crisis can be explained and did not just happen by genetic disposition. Hope you are well. Thanks again for the support.
I would relate to disorganized attachment disorder. Even to this day my mom does this on and off "support" rodeo. I've been working on myself for the past 5-6 years when this and a lot of other stuff that almost destroyed me in the beginning. I'm proud of how far I've come, am glad I'm still going and will keep trying. Life is hard but it's easier when people like you help keep us informed. Thank you.
Interesting! Love how you deliver these one of my faves 🙂
This video is so interesting. I had no idea there was such thing as an attachment style. It really makes me think.
Holy crap I'm so happy I found this channel. Saved my relationship. Thank you.
this was an eye opener. so helpful. thanks Kati
Oh good!!! I'm so glad it was helpful :) xoxo
Jeez, your videos just keep surprising me with their helpfulness and stuff
Well this is gonna help my child care essay on attachment theorists!!! Thank you!!
Dear Kati, I have to thank you so much for all this information deliver it in a very easy way to understand, it's helping me a lot with my studies, sending you good vibes, from Vancouver, BC
Thank you Kati! I love this video, there is so much to learn. I don't know what type of atachment i had as a kid but i became very avoidant so maybe this is something to work on with my therapist. I love learning from you so i'm looking forward to your next video :) Xx
This video was excellent 👏 really useful for me and I'm excited to see more of your videos. ❤️
Same number four sometimes it was safe for me to seek comfort with my parents other times they wouldn't allow me to seek comfort instead be annoyed at me angry or what I perceived or have clued together dealing with their own emotions il equiped I think to see what I needed. I've worked hard to figure out how I am wired but the clinical psychologists I've seen haven't been very clear unless doing cognitive therapy. Finding a good therapist takes me years.
I feel like I mostly fall under the disorganized type but that last bit you brought up about not letting anybody in at all really hit home as to my current situation. Haven't been able to have a close relationship in years and I'm realizing how lonely that is. But I used to be too attached then too distant. Last time I had a traumatic falling out with someone made me flip a switch and go completely avoidant. Just swapped one vice for another
Thank you for posting
Thank you Kati for this video it has help me understand my attachment better. Thank you for giving me some tools to use and to think about. You are totally awesome!
Of course!! So glad it was helpful :) xoxo
Thank you, this video has helped me alot
Thank you so much Katie. I have been struggling with what is blocking me in my head from people and making me become a hermit as my psychologist says. I had a few breakthroughs and wrote down three pages of info and internal dialogue for my care team to see along with some questions to ask. I had a VERY neglectful mother who was histrionic and all my attention a
had to be on her or I was a bad person. I have become co dependant from this. Codependency is much different then I though as in it is always worrying about everyone but you. I though codependancy was more about being in a relationship with an abusive or borderline abusive partner. I worry and boss people around all the time because by the age of about three I had to sooth my mothers panic attacks, get her meds, I got screamed at constantly at how I never did anything write or worthy enough for her and she only seemed to show me what I thought was real love when I did things for her or said the right things, which stopped happening at adolescence and I moved out at 16. I have cut her out of my life and haven't spoken to her in years. I only miss the idea of a mother, but never my actual mother. Many people think I am a bad person because of this, which is hard because those that witnessed my abuse 100% understand, but I am chronically judged for being disrespectful to "the woman that brought me life". Any thoughts on how to deal with those people. I will also be asking my care team, but I would like your take. Thanks Katie and have a wonderful day!
I'm doing a Master's in Psychology and your video helped a lot. Thanks.
I liked the video. the explanation was clear and easy to understand.
this is so interesting! thanks a lot for this video i feel like i learned a lot ♡
Well explained.Thank you.
Great video Katie it's very helpful to me 💗💗💗
For years I believed that NOBODY I liked enough to have a relationship with liked me back. I still feel like that tbh. I've had one relationship with an abusive man and that's it. I've tried a few times. If they're abusive I end it. IF they're not abusive, they end it with me! Now I understand it's something to do with my attachment style (and childhood emotional neglect)
I had a good caregiver when I was a baby but when I was a child she was not helpful or soothing. This has affected my relationships all my life. Luckily my grandma was very kind and loving. This has been my saving grace. You are right, we can heal. Your channel has helped me a lot and this video is really good. Thank you Kati.
Insecure avoidant. Thanks for the insight this has really helped me in beginning to dig deeper to find the root cause so I don't sabotage my current relationships. Good job Kati!
Hi Kati! I was wondering if you could talk more about schizoaffective disorder? It is something I struggle with and it is a very debilitating disease. There is such a stigma with psychotic disorders and I really want to break it. Having someone like you talk about it would be so encouraging and I love that you make me feel not so alone. Thanks so much for all you do!
i love all your videos!!!
This, especially with her wording such as "anchor" and "base" reminds me of the Simon Armitage poem "Mother, any distance"
I can't explain how excited I get when you release your videos!! I always hang out for them during the week. Thank you for doing what you do :))
Oh yay!! I am so glad you are enjoying them :) xoxo
The list of symptoms almost made me feel guilty until I made myself remember the loving home and family my daughter was/is raised in. My husband and I have been together her whole life and love each other deeply. Her older twin brothers loved her from the start. She has lived in the same home since she was 9 months and I nursed her til she was a year old. She was never in need of anything but alas, she has always been a miserable child: she always preferred to play alone then got sad coz no one played with her; she is ODD (opositional) to an extreme; pushes loved ones away. I have had her in therapy for years because these "disorders" cycle through then she gets "help"and she is happy again. Like I said almost felt guilty. Be careful when diagnosing, it may not be the case
Hi Kati! I love your videos! I'm learning a lot. I would love to see a video about catatonia disorders.
Thanks Kati, as always good information
Hey Kati! I recently had an emergency where I needed to use the money I was saving for therapy on something else. I was frustrated but I found your channel and I am now going through a workbook of yours! Bought a journal just for it. I feel shitty but at least now I have homework 😅
heywhat'supyouguys so I realized that I have a disorganized attachment style, and I can see exactly where it stems from. I'd like to go to a therapist because I also have other issues I'd like to resolve/find tools to cope but the same caregiver that probably gave me said attachment issues in the first place thinks therapy is only for the really mentally ill. I know this isn't true because I am a sane human, but videos like this one really help me to, well I don't wanna say become my own therapist, but like identify some issues or problems that I may have and choose some ways to cope/work through these issues. So, thank you Kati Morton, you've helped me through literally my whole life. I don't know where I'd be without these videos tbh.
i used to be the 4th one, but lately my single mother has been taking the time to understand me and we have quite a better relationship now. although before that it was really hard to deal things with my own. i think we both worked ourselves out and learned a lot of things.
Kati, you freaking rock.