I used to fear being single/alone. That got me involved with some toxic people, and my last ex omg absolutely destroyed me. Lucky I had UA-cam to look for answers as to what the hell I just went through. I’ve been single 3 years now and no longer feel the fear. Actually I’m very content and ok with being alone. Even if it’s for the rest of my life I’ll be just fine ❤️
Being alone is not the same as being lonely. 🙂 Paradoxically, I felt much more lonely when I was married to the wrong man for me. Now, I'm alone, but not lonely.
It’s so wild the way trauma effects ppl. Coming up my Narc mother made it very clear, she only had a kid because that’s what women are suppose to do. But she had no interest in kids or children, so I was never allowed to have friends over, have sleepovers, play sports etc. My mother’s house was for her to enjoy and I was just there, always alone and ignored. So, I was always use to being alone, the very few relationships I had were with toxic ppl that made me want to be alone even more. I was terrified of being in a relationship. I mean I was isolated and ignored since 5, so it was all I knew. The thought of having to be vulnerable, having someone have that power over my heart, I refused to ever be in that position. Now, I have to learn how to date and how to not use isolation as a crutch. This, is so much harder because I was never allowed to date and was called an AIDS whore just for liking a guy. So, there are a lot of triggers for me, just in thinking about dating. The thought of NOT dying is frightening to me. Connecting with ppl is harder for me but I’m trying. I have a date this weekend, it’s Monday and I ready want to bail but I won’t.
1) i (am) attract(ed to) unavailable people 2) sex is (not) how you find out if you're compatible 3) i am (not) always exactly where I'm supposed to be 4) partner mistreats you because they were abused (rationalization instead of leaving) 5) they self medicate because they have childhood trauma (don't rationalize) 6) diagnosing an ex as a narcissist, trying to fix them, or fixating on them 7) we're just friends (instead of being honest about feelings) 8) i need closure (it's a slippery slope toward getting entangled in toxic relationship again) 9) individual people are toxic (being near them causes a toxic reaction, they have bad behavior and u need boundaries/ are sensitive) 10) all good men are already taken (blanket statement)
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy👋🏼👋🏼👋🏼🙏🏼Hi Cara! These comments are great, right, those that type out the List, bc some of us need to See it and Hear it for it to sink in (omg did you know there are , like, 37 or so different learning styles?). Anyway, CHAPTERS would be super dope, too, so that we can skip back n forth as we rewatch, relearn, remember, and discard that which we no longer need. I’ve noticed I need to do all those thing s above more now w CPTSD… like before I knew it, she said, “Number 3,” and I’m like, wait, what were 1 & 2 again? So I looked for this (should be pinned 📌 comment ;) to look up 1 & 2 as opposed to trying to rewind and figure out what’s what 🥴 🙏🏼SOooo grateful for these Fairy messages! 🙏🏼💫💞
@@rocky1raqueltotally agree ! @CrappyChildhoodFairy: Your content is absolutely excellent ! It would be supremely helpful to have 1) chapters to be able to listen again to specific ones, 2) a written list of each point. (The CPTSD brain fog, ADD & chronic pain making it difficult to sit & focus, making it nearly impossible to listen, track, absorb & integrate. Thanks so very much for sharing your experience & expertise! So many are being helped by you!
Love this! We gotta ask ourselves why? Why are we attracted to absolute idiots. My behaviours that are helping me to feel my worth : 1.I dress up well & go to work looking good everyday. And be honest with my narcissistic mum & dad (my villain era) 2.I completely cut off bad friends 3.I pray ♥️
"I attract mosquitoes, but I don't sleep with them!" Oh if only someone told me that 13 years ago 😂 it would've saved me from 90% of my trauma and maybe I'd be a normal adult by now
This statement, the one about bonding through sex and 'right now I am right where I'm supposed to be'-I wish I heard all 3 of these years ago. But i agree the mosquito one is the one that could have save me a s***load of heartache, jealousy and pain.
Trauma has made me DUMB as hell in relationships. It's something I've been cognizant of for a while but haven't had the correct tools to address. I'm so thankful for all of this information.
All of my peers are so lucky to have found good men that bring them happiness for years. I've had nothing but wrongdoings come after me who wear a mask infront of society. I'm done, I can't have anxiety and depression anymore from toxic and slow breakups 😢
I don't want to have another relationship. I won't even consider it at this point. I'm done. I'm focusing on my healing and self-care and my relationship with myself. Then after I improve that by leaps and bounds, I'll then focus on radiating love to all - not romantic love.
Yup! The 'radiating love to all' thing is just amazing, and it honestly brings so much into our life :) Sometimes I think of all the years I wasted catering to abusive people and how much time and money they all took. It is disappointing but, hey ho, now working on making the world an awesome place!
I have not been in a relationship since 2014. I live alone with four dogs. No one visit us, it’s just me and my dogs. It might be a little lonely at times, but my life has been so peaceful and drama free for the first time in my life. Not sure if I will ever date again.
I see a common denominator between almost ALL Of Us💖 I truly believe.. Cuz I AM one of US.. That the BIGGEST THING FOR US ALL.. TO TRULY DISCOVER... TO TRUE-LY LEARN All about AND TO BECOME ABSOLUTE EXPERT PROFESSIONAL AT ... IS..RESPECTING THE ONE OF A KIND SUPER BEING EACH ONE OF US IS. TO ABSOLUTELY FALL IN LOVE WITH THE WONDEROUS REALITY THAT YOUR DNA IS YOURS! YOURS ALONE! ..NO ONE ELSE'S.!!! IN A WORLD FILLED WITH HUMANS. OUR F I N G E R P R I N T S..... ARE OURS ...ONLY OURS!!! UNIQUE IN MAKING EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US...... O N E * O F * A * K I N D ! IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE!!! I'm CHOOSING TO focus on that Amazing TRUTH more and more in my search to recover and rekindle the TRUE LOVE BORN IN ME, THE TRUE HONEST LOVE I KNEW AS A CHILD...And the Love. I Own and NOT a SOUL ON THIS EARTH...NO MATTER WHAT LIES. They Try TO PUSH ON ME OF THEIR FAKE AND FUTILE POWER ...I STAND WARRIOR!!! FIGHTING STRONG SHOULDER TO SHOULDER FOR THE DEATH OF ALL EVIL. FOR PEACE AND SAFETY OF ALL LIVING. THINGS ALL POWERFUL ALL LOVING AMEN
I'm 42 and even with intense therapy and a person who ticked all the "good person" boxes he was still toxic. He was so good at hiding who he was it surprised my therapist. I'm 42 and I think I'm done playing in this sandbox. I am happier.
I waited for someone to save me too, and the person I thought was sent to me ended up being a raging (and married) narcissist. But of course. Thankfully he was so bad that I hit rock bottom, got help, and am so strong he no longer wants anything to do with me :). Also, I loved what you said about magical thinking. It wasn’t too long ago that I realized the only reason I can tolerate so much is because I have a dream life alive in my mind. I’m committed to making that dream life my real life. I deserve it, and I finally understand that. ❤️❤️
Wow, I think I was never that early o_O So here's the time stamps: 1. I attract unavailable people. 7:22 2. Sex is how you find out if you're compatible. 8:34 3. I am always exactly where I'm supposed to be. 10:07 4. They were hurt before and they have cPTSD (about an avoidant partner). 11:42 5. They had a lot of childhood trauma and that's why they self-medicate (about addicted partners). 12:33 6. I realized that my ex ia an abusive narcissist. 13:46 7. We're just friends. 14:31 8. I need closure. 15:45 9. That person is toxic. 16:24 10. There are no good men/women/marriages. 18:46
this was MY story. 3 years ago i decided to heal myself finally, broke off a less than meaningful one sided relationship, and focused on working on me. it's been one hell of a journey, one i'm still on, but boy have i come a long way.
I have been alone most of my life, I've had one toxic relationship after another even in friendships. At 50 now, I'm not sure if I want to be with anyone anymore, it's just getting too painful to keep going through the same crap over & over again.
And it’s another bull’s eye!!! I’ve been so set in my trauma cocoon after a horrible break up in my early 20s then the loss of my best friend in my early 30s. I’ve slowly tried online dating, but always come out disappointed and discouraged (same old crowd of emotionally needy or cowardly men…just different platforms)
One of the things that keeps me stuck, is that my stories are not the kind people want to hear. They're the kind that make people preach "just have a good attitude" to me. Part of my healing is in making new memories to replace the old.
I’ve come across your channel a few days ago. And finally things start making sense. Why I’m struggling with relationships and less so, but also friendships. Why I feel like I’m a weirdo on the outside on life, why I space out, self isolate, connect with unavailable people. Thank you
Is it possible for me, after 28 yrs single, a stroke at 44, not had intimacy for over 18 yrs,? Still single at 54, I'm not in pain anymore, which I'm so thankful for. I did do a runner from an unavailable man, so glad I avoided that black hole. Will keep just enjoying being me the authentic real me 😊
I tried getting into a relationship, but once we got intimate my childhood trauma came flooding back. I can’t be in any intimate relationship… I tried therapy, but it made me so so angry.
I am 50 yrs old and I pray that it is not too late. I feel so filled with trauma and there is no way out and don’t know how to find a good therapist in my area. I hope some day I will be on the other side. I can’t stand being like this anymore.
Edit was not allowed so adding: These helplines can help you find income based therapy if you don't have insurance. If you research the contacts they give you and don't like them? Just call again or go to the website and get more. We are all worth every effort to find healing.
Debbie you're in the right place and it's never too late to heal. Anna sometimes mentions EMDR therapy and I'm here to say it is absolutely effective for easing the pressure of those trauma walls closing in. In fact, I'm about to celebrate one year since I had suicidal ideation thanks to *two* EMDR sessions. That's one year free after over 40 yrs of what I called being chased by suicide demons. As you continue to look for therapy, please consider finding a therapist trained in EMDR. It's so effective for PTSD that it's covered by most insurance including Medicaid/Medicare and the VA. Best wishes to you and hang in there. You're not alone in the Crappy Childhood Fairy community! 💜
Hey, I'm 58, and it's only been a couple years since my nervous breakdown. Life is pretty darn good. You will be so amazed at how much things change once you cut off the toxicity! I used to be just completely flattened with shame.
@@purplefireweed yes. These are the standard national helplines for mental health. Sometimes owners of channel's will remove links that they perceive would compete with theirs. In this case, that would be cruel and wrong, unethical, so I don't believe she did. These national standard helplines for mental health are (Google for contact information) by the organizations: National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI); our US government's is Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA); United Way First Call For Help is aN international community resource list for all resources by states and zip codes and is listed online and in the front of your local phone book. Many consider 12 Step groups. They have them for many mental health issues.
Someday I will see this beautiful sky with the person I love and who loves me the most, we will be watching the sky above and enjoying silence. That day is so close I can feel it. 💫
As everyone else here, this is so timely. I just literally forgave someone for not telling me they had a new partner and who ghosted me for months. All cos I rationalised that he was sad. :( really it's me who is the sad one.
Super helpful! I sent an apology letter to an ex once 2 years ago as an effort to get closure. Definitely helped me BUT it wasn't 100% my motive. It was my last dying chance to reconnect and it was unconscious. I definitely see that now and am very happy to see that we are not compatible simply due to his unavailability. And thats ok!
I've never had a relationship and I've never really had friends either. So I'm used to being alone. I just feel like there's no hope at all for me because even the most broken people here at least had relationships at one point or another so they can make new ones all over again. For me, it honestly feels about as realistic as finding a unicorn. Cannot connect with anyone that I know in my life no matter how hard I try, no matter how much self help advice I get or work on my traumas. I try to tell myself my beliefs aren't reality but when your reality matches your beliefs it only feels like you're lying to yourself.
You're telling yourself stories to keep yourself "alone". Your subconscious mind is reinforcing these beliefs to keep you safe. Are you really trying? Or here looking for validation for your learned helplessness? Best of luck with your personal journey of change.
Hello there, i wish for your happiness in this life.."cant connect with anyone no matter how hard you tried" i know exactly that's sick painful feeling..cuz this is not ordinary loneliness, it's make you feel lonely in the crowd..please hang in there, just get rest for a moment, dont push yourself hard..i had similiar struggle, i cant be vulnerable or unleash my authentic self to anyone,always on survival tense state cant relax..my trauma is forcing me to wear invisible armor that i cant put it off..you re not alone
@@grrlinglasses I actually try. I put effort into being social. But all that happens is I end up following people around and people don't want anything to do with me. I'm always the one who has to reach out or put effort into relationships and honestly I feel like I can't do it anymore. I wish someone actually wanted to be my friend instead of me having to chase people and try to make conversation when nobody wants anything to do with me. I'm very conscious about not being annoying or overbearing, I'm not clingy, but I put in the kind of effort one would for a relationship and all I ever get in my life is silence in return. I can't keep chasing people around to gain any kind of resemblance of a relationship, it's too exhausting. Why can't someone message me first or invite me to go somewhere or approach me for a change.
@@DeMafiaGirl I'm just like you, but I gave up trying lol. I've had "friends" but they just leave when they don't find me useful or amusing. I can't relate to ppl on a casual level, or intellectual level, or emotional level. Thank god for YT, where I can at least see there are people I can relate to in what they're interests and ideas are. But irl I fake it, I can be nice and sociable, but I know ppl don't understand me or relate to me. Never been in a relationship either. But the hope I have is learning to find comfort and happiness in being alone. And maybe someday meet ppl who I can actually be able to build friendships with. I would say don't chase ppl, I find ppl sense when you're trying to be friends with them and they don't like it, you may come off as trying too hard, even when you’re trying not to appear that way, and I say this not to judge but because I’ve done this in the past and driven ppl away. My perspective is that people are busy and not to expect too much. I can take care of myself, and I'm not lonely, so I don't feel an absence. I have loads of hobbies too. Honestly, it's the judgement of others that gets me down. Once I ignore what other ppl think and stop comparing myself to them, I actually feel really happy and content with my life as it is, I get hopeful again about my future. I've been in that headspace before, happy to be on my own, and it sounds paradoxical but ppl approached me more often and were often curious about me and wanting to be friends. I want to get back to that mindset again, my goal this year. I just wanna be happy again, with or without friends. Best of luck to you, I hope my story helps in some small way.
I am still young, will be 23 in june, but I've been avoiding relationships and dates my whole life. I don't want to be single anymore, beliefs INDEED play a big role in our lives, especially when it comes to relationships and friendships. Thankfully, I have a few close friends that I can trust and have a deep connection with, but my romantic life sucked till now... full of rejections and unavailable people. I'll work on my beliefs and learn to be more aware of my thoughts, feelings and actions in order to increase my chances of finding true love. Sometimes, it feels really hard to persist in this growth process but there is no way other than growth. It takes time but it is worth it! Thank you for this channel Anna, you are an amazing person ♡♡♡
This clip has good advice to help disentangle the "what he said, what she said, and what really happened" thing. One sentence I taught myself that has really helped disentangle the codependency knot and eliminate confusion is "How someone treats us is all about them, who they are." I find that sentence helps me put things in clear juxtaposition. If our love, affection, commitment aren't being reciprocated rather than trying ro get water out of a rock that sentence helps me to, start seeing what has been right in front of me all along. We can then take responsibility for our own choices, make amends and let it go. And, if I've done wrong that's all about me. I can honestly own my flawed perspectives that are behind the ways I gave myself to someone whose issues make it difficult to impossible for them to return my love in the spirit it was given.
I’d rather be alone. I’m fine with acquaintances. Honestly I don’t know why we’re all expected to be social and deeply connected. What’s so awful about that if you like your own company, or pets better than people. Lived long enough to know it’s not worth it anymore. I want peace.
Once I realised that I don't actually NEED people it made a huge difference. Coincidentally with going no contact with the toxic people I also started acquiring money (funny that!), and just the knowledge that anything I need I can pay for is amazing. A good handyman/gardener/mechanic can go a long ways. The freedom of being free of need is priceless.
Omg this is so true. Every argument and fight (however small or dumb) with my bf I assume he will break up and it’s over. That he will leave and get sick of me. He doesn’t. He stays cuz he loves me but I can’t help but feel this way. Then I keep asking him if he is breaking up or leaving now cuz of the last fight, he keeps saying no, but I feel so scared he will leave especially after me asking and I feel like I’m sabotaging my own relationship cuz of my trauma.
Thank you for sharing your gifts with the world and providing this safe community to feel heard, validated and healed. In middle age, I’ve accepted that if I end up alone, I will be ok. I fought hard against this for decades and it got me nowhere except either pairing off with narcissistic or avoidant men who have taken me to the brink of self destruction. Happy to be out of the dysfunctional for while and hopefully forever.
Man Anna , thanks for dispelling these new age bs beliefs ..” we are always exactly where we need to be”. There was another one you blew up for me but I can remember right now what it was - these rationalizations I’ve walked around with for decades and are common ones you hear from people in general and therapists alike. Time for daily practice - Thanks Anna !✌️
I am very isolated. It believes in myself, that safe people don't have interest in someone like me. This makes me feel ashamed and scares all the regulation out of me if i ever sense a could eventually be safe person. 🤦♀️ I have learned that being in need is not wise. Showing it is dangerous. It believes that i first have to find peace with what happened to become less reactive. At the same time while feeling not worthy for safe people i don't accept unsafe people in my life. So this is a trap. I stay alone as i have quit all relationships to unsafe people. All i see is either red flags or the feeling i am not good enough, i feel that ashamed for my way, all the damage that i carry i simply want to hide myself. Since i am a single mom for 6 Years now, i don't want to waste energy for the poor game that hurt so much, the mechanic that i mentioned above, while at the same time i am suffering from isolation and missing support. I need my energy for my family and protect it. The responseability not just for me but also for my child makes me really careful in social situations. My appease response makes it hard for me to set boundary's with people i don't feel safe jet, with my child or my parents that is no problem. I spiral down into more being alone, avoiding triggers. I don't have nerves for people who can't handle me like i am. But i can't handle me, i can't run away 😂 I am doing my best working on myself and this sometimes nurture the believe of not being okay the way i am. I am writing this down over and over again in the writing and meditation technique. I don't have someone to share as i am afraid of putting more fears from other people in my mind. This is one of my trauma pattern, over valuing others fears or problems. A crack in my inner boundary. I am on my way and the technique is really helpful. All the clarity i got with myself and the slow process of befriending myself is like magic.
Dear Anna, thank you for your content. I found out your channel just yesterday. I tried to search up something about like “flashbacks” of scary memories from my childhood. These started to randomly come to my mind a few weeks ago. Maybe because I am on my path to heal from a destructive relationship I had. Your videos are helping me understand what is going on now and also what happened in my childhood. I always thought that I am not allowed to be sad over my parents behaviour towards me because 1. I am almost 30, I am adult and should be able to overcome it just easily (bullshit), 2. my parents loved me and they would never hurt me and I am way too sensitive (I’ve heard this not even once from my mother and I still hear the voice back in my head every time I am sad and in pain). Thank you dear Anna for letting me know that I can legitimly feel sad over my childhood even when I am adult.
Oh yes, I'm really dealing with this. I love how you cover so many different aspects and dynamics of c-PTSD as someone who really understands it. Many thanks.
18:47 totally agree that it’s not true that “all the good ones are taken” and “there are no good so-and-sos” and so on, however the ironically painful caveat learning or realizing or even just blanket acknowledging that yes, there are good people out there makes the chronically lonely even worse. When it’s NOT true that unfortunately adds yet another layer of bitterness & resentment towards the fact you never ever experienced the good people out there. My only solace in my chronic loneliness is that I can now at least actually recognize for what it is. I wish it could lessen the pain, though 🙁
Is it weird that now that I'm in therapy and healing, I only find myself attracted to people who also had some kind of trauma? In a way it makes me feel they'll understand me better but a part of me also finds them more compassionate and perhaps even more interesting than someone who never had that kind of experience. Is it just me? 😅😅
Ah, been there. It's double the problems when you both are unhealed. It results in double triggering, dysregulation, trauma bonding, people pleasing, etc, etc. It's utterly exhausting relying on the other person to deal healthily with your reactions and it's mirrored back at you. Round and round it goes. I feel healthy people wouldn't stay long with someone with CPTSD who isn't actively tackling healing from it. Like attracts like.
No you ain't alone. Me too for sure me too. And it's true. They can understand us better. They can also be more trauma for us. Finding ppl that have truly healed is what u gotta do.
Ive been married 21 years now. Filed for divorce a week ago. I juat stumbled upon your videos about childhood trauma ptsd. Definitely hit home for me and made alot of sense especially with my triggers etc. Im also a veteran with ptsd and since being home for 6 years now it pretty much pushed my loved ones away while i shut down from not staying regulated. I mever knew this and i have to say one thing though; ive known my wife since 4th grade and always knew her. Shes always stayed with me cause she knows my true self under the stressors. She stayed for 21 years. We have 2 kids and 2 dogs together and me watching these videos definitely make me know im safe and can heal after time. Me and her are making our family feel weird cause theyve had nasty devorces and me and her always said we'd never put out kid's thru that. We will always be friends just not husband wife. Thank you... longer story thats a summary
I hear from my family "it's better to be alone than to be with a bad, abusive man" and I answer "not all men are bad, and we have men in our family that are hardworking and respectful". It's like they think I won't be able to find a good man. It's either single or abused, or, at least, mistreated.
I had a very similar experience prior to my rock bottom of toxic love and I took myself and changed my mind beliefs ect I decided to grow healthy by myself and God and a sister that really helped me get threw it I really hope anyone else in pain finds peace as I did I'm very grateful because I was trauma bonded to him and it was extremely hard to get away and stay
The point of having a friend/metor to help really hit hard for me. I had a good friend like that but sadly lost him just over a year ago and I've noticed all too late slipping into old patterns without the guidance and outside perspective he could provide
Romantic relationships are not the only relationships to “avoid” being alone. Embrace all other relationships in your life as equivalent to stay balanced. Have no respective persons, yet respect boundaries too.
I was born a change of life baby and my parents were married fifty-three years total. I never saw them hug or kiss each other. Both of them worked and I was well provided for. Our house was well-organized neat and clean. I was a high-achieving perfect daughter and double high honor student all through life. I went back to college at 40 and did it again, double high honors 4.2. I married once for life which lasted twelve years. I lived a fairytale life of Cinderella/Donna Reed, but I worked. When I agreed to marry him I said the only thing I'll ever ask of you is a 50 year anniversary. For some reason it didn't work out but we always remained co-parenting very easily and we never disrespected nor were acrimonious. I just never felt like trying it again because I was independently secure and was successful at being a single mom with a supportive father separately. And now over 60 and I'm content living alone. I might be being selfish but I don't like conflict or drama and I just don't want to have to try to get to know somebody new at this point in my life.
You’re videos have helped me so much I have given your information to siblings and friends. I have made so much progress over last two years. Still not ready to date but getting there. I have a lot of work to still do. I think it’s improvement that I’m at peace with that.
Thank you😊 I still now and then get trapped in old patterns and feel ashamed. I finally found a therapist that understand what you talk about and helps me forward. I like the concept of the toxic reaction instead of outsourcing it to the other person. I keep watching this channel for insights and to learn some extra 😊👋🏼
Love the episode, I would really love if you could get yourself an editor who could section up your video into the 10 different parts when you talk about each belief. It would just make your content more easily consumable and more easy to binge. I would much rather binge this then other content and learn more of these techniques well.
I was traumatised when my mum had to go in to hosp for 6 weeks when i was nearly 4. I was so upset i developed a stammer to the point of not being able to talk. I have separation anxiety to the point i wreck relationships and alsohave avoidence issues. I am alright till i love someone,then i get insecure because i feel they can hurt me now, then i back off and deliberately sabotage it.
I understand all of this and I can be honest about the emotional abuse that I witnessed my mom go through and emotional neglect that I have been through, part of it was getting everything material that I wanted. You've kept it very honest about what so many people have struggled with for many years. Thank you and Namaste
Oh my gosh I didn't know you lived in Northern California! Although I may have heard you say that in the last video of you I just watched. I'm just in Sacramento! Closure for me has actually turned out to be a success. Someone I had fallen for when I was 16 (who never felt the same way but was always kind to me) was on my mind again (years back) and I started to wonder if there was a reason why. I remember sending him a letter conveying that, and the next time we talked on the phone since we were still in touch, still friends, he told me he was engaged. You'd think that would have torn my heart to pieces, but actually it gave _me_ a sense of closure and I was able to let him go. I still appreciated his friendship, and he had even invited me to his wedding. And only unfortunate circumstances kept me from making it out there. But I had sent them a wedding gift and it's always been well between us, thankfully. I guess exes usually don't work out as friends, but one man I almost married when I was in the Air Force and I are friends on Facebook to this day (as is my first boyfriend from grade school, but that's another story), although I correspond on Facebook with his wife more often. No issues, we're all sisters and brother in Christ, and we know we're going to know each other forever. It's all good with us now. I wish the same for others.
Wow Anna ! Thank you for this video... It feels like you made it for me... This speaks to me ... Thank you for your work... Mmmmm.... I will watch this again later... You are such a helpful lady... I am feeling connected to you in a very authentic healthy way... Your advice comes across for me as solid, grounded, and for real... Thank you again for your service Anna... I appreciate your presence in my experience... I am Thomas from Pasadena Ca. .
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and positive outcomes with us, Anna. I get very triggered by new age spiritual beliefs that seem to relay messages that you get what you give, etc. I am a very giving, loving person, but often can’t discern the right people to give my loving energy to. But I feel down that somehow, I am not grateful enough, or that I’m doing everything wrong, or I just don’t deserve love. Could you do another video on healthy vs unhealthy spirituality one day? Thank you! 💜
I think it’s more you get what you believe, I.e if you don’t believe you deserve love it will be reflected back to you in some way. It doesn’t mean it’s true, but that your beliefs do hold a lot of weight. You give to others but what do you believe about yourself and do you give that same love to yourself? Do you have boundaries when you feel you’re being disrespected or depleted? When you give, you should know you are deserving of that same love. If you, the person who knows you the most can’t believe that about yourself - I think that’s where you can start, improving your self concept
I used to be driven like this, as far as toxic people go, all that used to change was the name. I realized that I had to stop shopping at the same place. I had to change my signals I was putting out that was attracting these people. It didn’t happen overnight, and I had to “fake it” until I made it. It didn’t feel natural at first, however it was a more healthy way of living.
Hi Crappy Family. I'd like advice about being single & OK with it without going through trauma to learn it. For some people, acceptance of not having an intimate relationship is liberating.
I think it's important we don't just see being single as a stigma or lack. Because it's not. We can have deep connections to friends, family, work, nature and live a full live without a romantic partner.
@@katiekane5247 OMG me too!! My libido used to drag me around mercilessly, continually retraumatizing and pushing me towards the most absurd hookups and unhealthy relationships. I did not expect it to disappear completely! The silver lining is that the greatest distraction to doing my healing work has taken a hike but my sensual capacity has gone off the charts! Who knew?!? It's so nice not to be distracted by raw magnetism anymore. 🙏🏼
@CrappyChildhoodFairy Your content is absolutely excellent ! Thank you so very much ! It would be supremely helpful to have 1) chapters to be able to listen again to specific ones, 2) a written list of each point. (The CPTSD brain fog, ADD & chronic pain making it extremely challenging to sit & focus, nearly impossible to listen, track, absorb & integrate. Thanks so very much for sharing your experience & expertise! So many are being helped by you!
Thank you, so grateful. I also like videos where you state there are a good man out there. But I am unable to find it. Can you please repost it. We need reminders, and is so sweet.❤❤
I was aware of my own difficulties in relationships and social interaction, but it's incredible how much of what you say is true and applies to me. Thank you for these insightful videos !!
Ouch! I felt identified. I have a dear friend who has several "problems" that fit the symptoms of CPTSD. I wanted to dig deeper to understand more about what I think he may be suffering from, but now the problem is that I also identified with some things that happen to people with CPTSD 😫😭😭😭Maybe I also have some trauma, not as severe as CPTSD, but, anyway, I need to fix it.
If there's a pattern that doesn't go well, doing the same thing will get the same outcome. If we don't take the chance to make a better choice, our life will never change. We need to change our ways not the goal. Just really be open to positive things, inside and out. Coz really, it doesn't matter how bad it was, it's how you bounce back to make it good in the future. Show up, act out! Fight yourself that lets you down, conquering oneself is the greatest feat.
I don't have these 10 beliefs you speak of. 3.5 yrs into a disciplined healing and then a quarantine, here's what I hear from survivors having difficulty w dating: 1. Dating scene is disturbing and declining in monogamy. Professor Sam Vaknin speaks relentlessly on this societal issue AND the other points below. . 2. Many professionals state we have a narcissist epidemic. A society of NPD and BPD. 1 in 3 npd 1 in 4 bod. So in essence, we who have worked are asses off to be grounded responsible non codependent, have problems meeting self accountable self aware people. 3. Women over 50 are disposable in the dating scene. Men our age want women half our age. And again few are interested in monogamous relationships. 4. CV and quarantine has destroyed openness and effective communication and a lack of relationship competency. 5. I don't know one person or one couple in a healthy marriage. That's reality. And most everyone doesn't know one healthy couple or marriage. Again...CV and quarantine have shown over 60% divorce rate domestic violence rates increased beyond comprehension and mental health problems skyrocketed. So Anna... Maybe you can address these real issues others of us recovering from cptsd deal w after we've put the hard work in. I'm to the point of why did I even bother healing bc society is so broken and distorted sick and unwilling to heal themselves.
Looks like you want validation for how terrible everything is but I don't have it for you. I suggest you stop focusing on "society" and work on yourself. This channel is about healing and we're doing it.
I've heard the same things from people, and I've heard lots of people warning to be careful in this dating scene nowadays. Nothing wrong with seeing reality as it is. EDIT: I've also noticed a dramatic difference in the way men look at me and interact with me, in non-romantic situations. It's like everyone's minds are more sex-focused and read into everything I say now. Whereas only 10 years ago, this happened rarely to me. Just an observation. I have to be careful with what I say now, and make sure it has no double-meaning I didn't intend on. And I filter filter filter when I meet ppl nowadays, and make sure to keep strong boundaries around men, especially the ones who take dirty meanings to innocent things that I've said - especially when this happens in situations where I am in no way flirting, and in professional situations too. I know I'm not ready to date, and have no illusions about how much of an uphill battle it will be if I decide to bc of my trauma conditioning, but I find it disheartening that I can't barely have neutral friendships with men without it getting weird. In social situations I don't care, I brush it off, but I'm seeing this in other situations now. I hope this phase of society ends soon. I should say I have one professional relationship with a man and it's not weird lol. All the others are questionable LOL. Such is life I guess.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy BY GOD I'VE SEEN IT ALL. UNBELIEVABLE HOW YOU ANSWERED W SHAMING, DEFLECTION., ASSUMPTION,. BLAME SHIFTING ANNA. When a so-called expert can't answer VALID WORLD POINTS ....question that any healthy person would prose, and instead answers how you BELIEVE ASSUME DIAGNOSE why a stranger feels thinks or ASKS??.... HOUSTON YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. BUT HEY.. ARE YOU GOING TO SAY I HAVE THE PROBLEM OR I'M TRIGGERING BECAUSE I'M WRITING IN CAPITAL LETTERS? OR SAY I NEED MORE HEALING BC IM CALLING YOU OUT OR THIS OR THAT NOW? YOU SOUND LIKE ONE OF THOSE COACHES THAT'S TALK A GOOD TALK ON A VIDEO, BUT DO NOT KNOW HOW TO ANSWER QUESTIONS OR HAVE A DECENT CONVERSATIONS UNLESS PEOPLE ARE AGREEING AND HEAD NODDING TO ALMIGHTY MIGHTY ANNA. ANNA YOU A SCAMMA... SOUNDS LIKE YOUR INNER CHILD NEEDS HEALING. 💋
@@imjustme2876 can you believe the so-called experts answer to shame me and deflect every single point I prosed? This is not the first time Anna has done this because she cannot answer hard questions.
Becoming an adult means not needing anyone. Basically, your parents are likely to pass away before you do. After that, who’s going to be there to fill that void? No one. So the sooner you make peace with this idea, the better off you’ll be.
I agree with most of these except number 9, with which I politely disagree. In fact, in the past, I was stuck in unhealthy relationships precisely because I wasn't able to see toxicity in others and I was gaslighted into believing I was just too sensitive. I don't want to be neutral when being abused or manipulated - I want to have a strong emotional reaction but also be regulated enough to act in a healthy, assertive way to protect my boundaries. Being neutral and trying to numb down my feelings may work for some people but not for me. Ok, I listened again to everything, Anna doesn't say you should be neutral to abuse, but verbal and emotional abuse is not easy to recognize, especially if you grow up in a dysfunctional family.
I also politely disagree on this one. Some people can literally harm you with their presence and energy, especially if they’re intent on your complete annihilation or controlling you. While it’s true that it’s our bodies are having a subsequent toxic reaction to their behavior (cortisol, stress, etc), this is uncontrollable. They’re dangerous and threatening and the body knows it. It’s impossible to be unaffected. Their assault on reality or civility is harmful and inevitably affects those around them, especially those they aim to control or harm. So I think it’s fairly accurate to call some people toxic, and I agree it’s important to identify them as such. I think since childhood, many of us have been normalizing and making excuses for toxic people in toxic environments because that’s what we knew. It’s time to finally see that it’s them causing the toxicity and that the only solution is physical distance. In the meantime we work on our damaged selves and learn how to find and keep healthy connections with people who have a calming and healing presence.
My irrational trauma belief keeping me single is that if I approach anyone I will inevitably end up rejected, humiliated mocked and deeply hurt. So there is like an invisible emotional wall literally keeping me away from even flirting with anyone. As soon as I start to like someone I evade them and look the other way.
I am 24 years old, always was neglected as a child, I had an abusive mother, and terrible experiences at school from being outcasted and rejected,. As an adult, I have always been rejected by all girls, unless they wanted to use me, and be with me only if I obeyed to them, and give them money. I cry every day because I feel so worthless that I am getting old and that I will never experience sex, and love. I myself am incapable of love, and the only way I know how to love is give gifts or money. The past is the best predictor of the future, and I refuse to try. It does not matter how attractive or ugly I am, its just something I will never experience. Only self harm and my eating disorder make me feel better, and I always fall for people who reject me, or use me. Nowadays I avoid going out or even looking at people, I avoid all eye contact with anyone, even the cashier at the supermarket, i push away everyone for fear of triggering my trauma response and pain of past rejection i had in the past. Rejection hurt me so much that I avoid all people because of that. It takes so little to dysregulate myself, and turn on my self harm behaviors. I am ashamed when I look for attention from girls and i try to hide it, by avoiding all eye contact with anyone or go to extreme lengths to not even getting out of my house, unless i have to work, or buy food. This world is not made for people like me, i understood this since I was a child.
This speaks to me.. It reminded me of my time in high school when I walked with my head down all the time and avoided eye contact... And eating disorder, I had been a bulimic since then. I hope you could find ways to entagnle yourself from the stories that defeats you like "The past is the best predictor of the future", you are very young and with heating you could be in a very different place, a far brighter future then :)
I used to fear being single/alone. That got me involved with some toxic people, and my last ex omg absolutely destroyed me. Lucky I had UA-cam to look for answers as to what the hell I just went through. I’ve been single 3 years now and no longer feel the fear. Actually I’m very content and ok with being alone. Even if it’s for the rest of my life I’ll be just fine ❤️
Powerful Steve this is my goal as well as I continue with my healing journey
Being alone is not the same as being lonely. 🙂 Paradoxically, I felt much more lonely when I was married to the wrong man for me. Now, I'm alone, but not lonely.
@@virginialopezrey6860 yea I relate to this too,.you're so right, I love my space and time now,I'm free.
Totally good being single. Life is good. Guess being 63 helps.
It’s so wild the way trauma effects ppl. Coming up my Narc mother made it very clear, she only had a kid because that’s what women are suppose to do. But she had no interest in kids or children, so I was never allowed to have friends over, have sleepovers, play sports etc. My mother’s house was for her to enjoy and I was just there, always alone and ignored. So, I was always use to being alone, the very few relationships I had were with toxic ppl that made me want to be alone even more. I was terrified of being in a relationship. I mean I was isolated and ignored since 5, so it was all I knew. The thought of having to be vulnerable, having someone have that power over my heart, I refused to ever be in that position. Now, I have to learn how to date and how to not use isolation as a crutch. This, is so much harder because I was never allowed to date and was called an AIDS whore just for liking a guy. So, there are a lot of triggers for me, just in thinking about dating. The thought of NOT dying is frightening to me. Connecting with ppl is harder for me but I’m trying. I have a date this weekend, it’s Monday and I ready want to bail but I won’t.
I don't trust anyone enough to even have a crappy relationship.
😝 I am your partner in crime right here !
Me too, I don't even feel good enough to even have a shot at a relationship, much less to get to the point of trusting them
Relationship with self is our #1 relationship.
same almost 29 never been on a date
Same for me. I've had so many toxic relationships of all sorts, I'm afraid to get involved with anyone and haven't in 3 years.
1) i (am) attract(ed to) unavailable people
2) sex is (not) how you find out if you're compatible
3) i am (not) always exactly where I'm supposed to be
4) partner mistreats you because they were abused (rationalization instead of leaving)
5) they self medicate because they have childhood trauma (don't rationalize)
6) diagnosing an ex as a narcissist, trying to fix them, or fixating on them
7) we're just friends (instead of being honest about feelings)
8) i need closure (it's a slippery slope toward getting entangled in toxic relationship again)
9) individual people are toxic (being near them causes a toxic reaction, they have bad behavior and u need boundaries/ are sensitive)
10) all good men are already taken (blanket statement)
Thank you!
-Cara@TeamFairy
We are where we need to be TOO PROVOKE US TO SET BOUNDARIES and be able to turn that page in our lives not to be passively abused
Thx You ❤
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy👋🏼👋🏼👋🏼🙏🏼Hi Cara!
These comments are great, right, those that type out the List, bc some of us need to See it and Hear it for it to sink in (omg did you know there are , like, 37 or so different learning styles?).
Anyway, CHAPTERS would be super dope, too, so that we can skip back n forth as we rewatch, relearn, remember, and discard that which we no longer need. I’ve noticed I need to do all those thing s above more now w CPTSD… like before I knew it, she said,
“Number 3,” and I’m like, wait, what were 1 & 2 again? So I looked for this (should be pinned 📌 comment ;) to look up 1 & 2 as opposed to trying to rewind and figure out what’s what 🥴
🙏🏼SOooo grateful for these Fairy messages! 🙏🏼💫💞
@@rocky1raqueltotally agree ! @CrappyChildhoodFairy: Your content is absolutely excellent !
It would be supremely helpful to have 1) chapters to be able to listen again to specific ones, 2) a written list of each point. (The CPTSD brain fog, ADD & chronic pain making it difficult to sit & focus, making it nearly impossible to listen, track, absorb & integrate.
Thanks so very much for sharing your experience & expertise! So many are being helped by you!
Awesome way to put that:
"It's not that you attract [insert negative quality] people. It's that you are ATTRACTED TO these people."
Exactly!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Love this! We gotta ask ourselves why? Why are we attracted to absolute idiots.
My behaviours that are helping me to feel my worth :
1.I dress up well & go to work looking good everyday. And be honest with my narcissistic mum & dad (my villain era)
2.I completely cut off bad friends
3.I pray ♥️
@@CrappyChildhoodFairyok but this is why I’m not attracted to men any more, so many watch porn
Learning to say no is one of the most powerful things a human can do.
"I attract mosquitoes, but I don't sleep with them!" Oh if only someone told me that 13 years ago 😂 it would've saved me from 90% of my trauma and maybe I'd be a normal adult by now
Normal?
This statement, the one about bonding through sex and 'right now I am right where I'm supposed to be'-I wish I heard all 3 of these years ago. But i agree the mosquito one is the one that could have save me a s***load of heartache, jealousy and pain.
I totally understand what you mean. 💯
Ditto. I also liked helping and supporting people but doesn't have to be with the p...y !
Trauma has made me DUMB as hell in relationships. It's something I've been cognizant of for a while but haven't had the correct tools to address. I'm so thankful for all of this information.
I’m embarrassed. It’s like I have to watch toddler videos of what’s right vs wrong (rational vs non rational. I’m new to the community.
@@elizabethbaban9048 I got only wrong people, using me for entertainment, I gaslighted myself that they want to build a real relationship
Me too . Learning patience with myself
All of my peers are so lucky to have found good men that bring them happiness for years. I've had nothing but wrongdoings come after me who wear a mask infront of society. I'm done, I can't have anxiety and depression anymore from toxic and slow breakups 😢
I feel the same way
I don't want to have another relationship. I won't even consider it at this point. I'm done. I'm focusing on my healing and self-care and my relationship with myself. Then after I improve that by leaps and bounds, I'll then focus on radiating love to all - not romantic love.
Yes me too!
Yup! The 'radiating love to all' thing is just amazing, and it honestly brings so much into our life :)
Sometimes I think of all the years I wasted catering to abusive people and how much time and money they all took. It is disappointing but, hey ho, now working on making the world an awesome place!
“radiating love” really gives life purpose！
Yes. I want purpose. Help and love others
Amen
I have not been in a relationship since 2014. I live alone with four dogs. No one visit us, it’s just me and my dogs. It might be a little lonely at times, but my life has been so peaceful and drama free for the first time in my life. Not sure if I will ever date again.
I live with 3 dogs and 3 cats. They keep me busy. It's rare for anyone to visit. We do see people and dogs on our walks, a few short conversations.
Same here
My story is the same as yours, except only one dog 😁
We shld all meet!
I see a common denominator between almost ALL Of Us💖 I truly believe.. Cuz I AM one of US.. That the BIGGEST THING FOR US ALL.. TO TRULY DISCOVER... TO TRUE-LY LEARN All about AND TO BECOME ABSOLUTE EXPERT PROFESSIONAL AT ... IS..RESPECTING THE ONE OF A KIND SUPER BEING EACH ONE OF US IS. TO ABSOLUTELY FALL IN LOVE WITH THE WONDEROUS REALITY THAT YOUR DNA IS YOURS! YOURS ALONE!
..NO ONE ELSE'S.!!! IN A WORLD FILLED WITH HUMANS. OUR
F I N G E R P R I N T S..... ARE OURS ...ONLY OURS!!! UNIQUE IN MAKING EACH AND EVERY ONE OF
US...... O N E * O F * A * K I N D !
IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE!!!
I'm CHOOSING TO focus on that Amazing TRUTH more and more in my search to recover and rekindle the TRUE LOVE BORN IN ME, THE TRUE HONEST LOVE I KNEW AS A CHILD...And the Love. I Own and NOT a SOUL ON THIS EARTH...NO MATTER WHAT LIES. They Try TO PUSH ON ME OF THEIR FAKE AND FUTILE POWER ...I STAND WARRIOR!!! FIGHTING STRONG
SHOULDER TO SHOULDER FOR THE DEATH OF ALL EVIL. FOR PEACE AND SAFETY OF ALL LIVING.
THINGS
ALL POWERFUL
ALL LOVING
AMEN
I have a little son, a dog and cat. We're all crazy at our house but we get on very well 😄
I'm 42 and even with intense therapy and a person who ticked all the "good person" boxes he was still toxic. He was so good at hiding who he was it surprised my therapist. I'm 42 and I think I'm done playing in this sandbox. I am happier.
Dear Anna, could you please do a similar video for trauma driven beliefs that keep us in job/career that’s not right for us.
Omg yes!!!
Good idea. I'll do that.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you so much!!!! I keep repeating these patterns of bread crumbs and stuff at work. 💕
@@yuk498 same 😢😢
Please, that would be so helpful.
I waited for someone to save me too, and the person I thought was sent to me ended up being a raging (and married) narcissist. But of course. Thankfully he was so bad that I hit rock bottom, got help, and am so strong he no longer wants anything to do with me :).
Also, I loved what you said about magical thinking. It wasn’t too long ago that I realized the only reason I can tolerate so much is because I have a dream life alive in my mind. I’m committed to making that dream life my real life. I deserve it, and I finally understand that. ❤️❤️
Wow, I think I was never that early o_O
So here's the time stamps:
1. I attract unavailable people. 7:22
2. Sex is how you find out if you're compatible. 8:34
3. I am always exactly where I'm supposed to be. 10:07
4. They were hurt before and they have cPTSD (about an avoidant partner). 11:42
5. They had a lot of childhood trauma and that's why they self-medicate (about addicted partners). 12:33
6. I realized that my ex ia an abusive narcissist. 13:46
7. We're just friends. 14:31
8. I need closure. 15:45
9. That person is toxic. 16:24
10. There are no good men/women/marriages. 18:46
+
Moving on is the most direct route to finding love....that was epic to hear.
this was MY story. 3 years ago i decided to heal myself finally, broke off a less than meaningful one sided relationship, and focused on working on me. it's been one hell of a journey, one i'm still on, but boy have i come a long way.
I have been alone most of my life, I've had one toxic relationship after another even in friendships. At 50 now, I'm not sure if I want to be with anyone anymore, it's just getting too painful to keep going through the same crap over & over again.
There is more help! courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com
-Cara@TeamFairy
Have you tried believing you’re worthy of love? Believing you’re pretty awesome, smart, etc and of course someone would want to be with you?
Constant & chronic verbal abuse keeps me single. The emotional after effects make it hard to trust in anything or anyone.
And it’s another bull’s eye!!!
I’ve been so set in my trauma cocoon after a horrible break up in my early 20s then the loss of my best friend in my early 30s. I’ve slowly tried online dating, but always come out disappointed and discouraged (same old crowd of emotionally needy or cowardly men…just different platforms)
One of the things that keeps me stuck, is that my stories are not the kind people want to hear. They're the kind that make people preach "just have a good attitude" to me. Part of my healing is in making new memories to replace the old.
I’ve come across your channel a few days ago. And finally things start making sense. Why I’m struggling with relationships and less so, but also friendships. Why I feel like I’m a weirdo on the outside on life, why I space out, self isolate, connect with unavailable people. Thank you
Welcome to the channel!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Anna! So funny!!
"I attract mosquitoes but I don't sleep with them"...
Amen ❤️
So Kind that Anna actually cares about survivors finding happiness
Is it possible for me, after 28 yrs single, a stroke at 44, not had intimacy for over 18 yrs,? Still single at 54, I'm not in pain anymore, which I'm so thankful for. I did do a runner from an unavailable man, so glad I avoided that black hole. Will keep just enjoying being me the authentic real me 😊
❤❤❤
Desires come from God, if you want love then know you can have it, know it’s there for you and believe for it ❤️
I tried getting into a relationship, but once we got intimate my childhood trauma came flooding back. I can’t be in any intimate relationship… I tried therapy, but it made me so so angry.
I am 50 yrs old and I pray that it is not too late. I feel so filled with trauma and there is no way out and don’t know how to find a good therapist in my area. I hope some day I will be on the other side. I can’t stand being like this anymore.
Edit was not allowed so adding: These helplines can help you find income based therapy if you don't have insurance. If you research the contacts they give you and don't like them? Just call again or go to the website and get more. We are all worth every effort to find healing.
@@mtaylor7307 Not seeing your comment with helplines. Was it deleted?
Debbie you're in the right place and it's never too late to heal. Anna sometimes mentions EMDR therapy and I'm here to say it is absolutely effective for easing the pressure of those trauma walls closing in. In fact, I'm about to celebrate one year since I had suicidal ideation thanks to *two* EMDR sessions. That's one year free after over 40 yrs of what I called being chased by suicide demons. As you continue to look for therapy, please consider finding a therapist trained in EMDR. It's so effective for PTSD that it's covered by most insurance including Medicaid/Medicare and the VA. Best wishes to you and hang in there. You're not alone in the Crappy Childhood Fairy community! 💜
Hey, I'm 58, and it's only been a couple years since my nervous breakdown. Life is pretty darn good. You will be so amazed at how much things change once you cut off the toxicity! I used to be just completely flattened with shame.
@@purplefireweed yes. These are the standard national helplines for mental health. Sometimes owners of channel's will remove links that they perceive would compete with theirs. In this case, that would be cruel and wrong, unethical, so I don't believe she did.
These national standard helplines for mental health are (Google for contact information) by the organizations: National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI); our US government's is Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA); United Way First Call For Help is aN international community resource list for all resources by states and zip codes and is listed online and in the front of your local phone book. Many consider 12 Step groups. They have them for many mental health issues.
Someday I will see this beautiful sky with the person I love and who loves me the most, we will be watching the sky above and enjoying silence. That day is so close I can feel it. 💫
I hope you've already found them 😊
As everyone else here, this is so timely. I just literally forgave someone for not telling me they had a new partner and who ghosted me for months. All cos I rationalised that he was sad. :( really it's me who is the sad one.
Well I'm no longer attracted to unavailable people. Guess that is saying positive things of where I am in recovery.
Super helpful! I sent an apology letter to an ex once 2 years ago as an effort to get closure. Definitely helped me BUT it wasn't 100% my motive. It was my last dying chance to reconnect and it was unconscious. I definitely see that now and am very happy to see that we are not compatible simply due to his unavailability. And thats ok!
I've never had a relationship and I've never really had friends either. So I'm used to being alone. I just feel like there's no hope at all for me because even the most broken people here at least had relationships at one point or another so they can make new ones all over again. For me, it honestly feels about as realistic as finding a unicorn. Cannot connect with anyone that I know in my life no matter how hard I try, no matter how much self help advice I get or work on my traumas. I try to tell myself my beliefs aren't reality but when your reality matches your beliefs it only feels like you're lying to yourself.
You're telling yourself stories to keep yourself "alone". Your subconscious mind is reinforcing these beliefs to keep you safe. Are you really trying? Or here looking for validation for your learned helplessness? Best of luck with your personal journey of change.
I would be your friend. You sound very honest and authentic. Best to you
Hello there, i wish for your happiness in this life.."cant connect with anyone no matter how hard you tried" i know exactly that's sick painful feeling..cuz this is not ordinary loneliness, it's make you feel lonely in the crowd..please hang in there, just get rest for a moment, dont push yourself hard..i had similiar struggle, i cant be vulnerable or unleash my authentic self to anyone,always on survival tense state cant relax..my trauma is forcing me to wear invisible armor that i cant put it off..you re not alone
@@grrlinglasses I actually try. I put effort into being social. But all that happens is I end up following people around and people don't want anything to do with me. I'm always the one who has to reach out or put effort into relationships and honestly I feel like I can't do it anymore. I wish someone actually wanted to be my friend instead of me having to chase people and try to make conversation when nobody wants anything to do with me. I'm very conscious about not being annoying or overbearing, I'm not clingy, but I put in the kind of effort one would for a relationship and all I ever get in my life is silence in return. I can't keep chasing people around to gain any kind of resemblance of a relationship, it's too exhausting. Why can't someone message me first or invite me to go somewhere or approach me for a change.
@@DeMafiaGirl I'm just like you, but I gave up trying lol. I've had "friends" but they just leave when they don't find me useful or amusing. I can't relate to ppl on a casual level, or intellectual level, or emotional level. Thank god for YT, where I can at least see there are people I can relate to in what they're interests and ideas are. But irl I fake it, I can be nice and sociable, but I know ppl don't understand me or relate to me. Never been in a relationship either. But the hope I have is learning to find comfort and happiness in being alone. And maybe someday meet ppl who I can actually be able to build friendships with.
I would say don't chase ppl, I find ppl sense when you're trying to be friends with them and they don't like it, you may come off as trying too hard, even when you’re trying not to appear that way, and I say this not to judge but because I’ve done this in the past and driven ppl away. My perspective is that people are busy and not to expect too much. I can take care of myself, and I'm not lonely, so I don't feel an absence. I have loads of hobbies too. Honestly, it's the judgement of others that gets me down. Once I ignore what other ppl think and stop comparing myself to them, I actually feel really happy and content with my life as it is, I get hopeful again about my future. I've been in that headspace before, happy to be on my own, and it sounds paradoxical but ppl approached me more often and were often curious about me and wanting to be friends. I want to get back to that mindset again, my goal this year. I just wanna be happy again, with or without friends. Best of luck to you, I hope my story helps in some small way.
Your videos have given me the strength and courage to quit smoking pot. I was "self medicating" so I didn't have to feel my feelings. Thank you 💝
Oh, that's beautiful!
Just absolutely wow ❤ it’s like there is a manual for us in our confused state. This manual should be called the healing from trauma bible 🎉
I am still young, will be 23 in june, but I've been avoiding relationships and dates my whole life. I don't want to be single anymore, beliefs INDEED play a big role in our lives, especially when it comes to relationships and friendships. Thankfully, I have a few close friends that I can trust and have a deep connection with, but my romantic life sucked till now... full of rejections and unavailable people. I'll work on my beliefs and learn to be more aware of my thoughts, feelings and actions in order to increase my chances of finding true love. Sometimes, it feels really hard to persist in this growth process but there is no way other than growth. It takes time but it is worth it! Thank you for this channel Anna, you are an amazing person ♡♡♡
This is very encouraging to me as a 42 year old. Keep that beautiful light lit up! You are a blessing!
@@jeaneerhodes3622 Thank you for your kind words Jeanee :) I'm happy that my comment gave you hope and faith! Have a wonderful day 🙏💕
You are so adorable. I just know it. It's your spirit!
when you've been verbally & psychologically beaten & or neglected, it really is hard to trust...anyone.
I've read many books on this subject, and imo, this is the best, most helpful, enlightening, calming, caring I've ever heard.
Wow !! Thank you 😊
THANK YOU for providing closed captioning considerations for the Deaf and hearing impaired!
Our courses are all close-captioned too!
Fight or flight is definitely me 🧏♀️
This clip has good advice to help disentangle the "what he said, what she said, and what really happened" thing. One sentence I taught myself that has really helped disentangle the codependency knot and eliminate confusion is "How someone treats us is all about them, who they are." I find that sentence helps me put things in clear juxtaposition. If our love, affection, commitment aren't being reciprocated rather than trying ro get water out of a rock that sentence helps me to, start seeing what has been right in front of me all along. We can then take responsibility for our own choices, make amends and let it go.
And, if I've done wrong that's all about me. I can honestly own my flawed perspectives that are behind the ways I gave myself to someone whose issues make it difficult to impossible for them to return my love in the spirit it was given.
I love that thing you said about toxic people. We all act toxic at times, don't we?
I always thought "there's something wrong with me"...
I'm so glad you found the channel, we understand and are all sending you encouragement! -Calista@TeamFairy
I’d rather be alone. I’m fine with acquaintances. Honestly I don’t know why we’re all expected to be social and deeply connected. What’s so awful about that if you like your own company, or pets better than people. Lived long enough to know it’s not worth it anymore. I want peace.
Once I realised that I don't actually NEED people it made a huge difference. Coincidentally with going no contact with the toxic people I also started acquiring money (funny that!), and just the knowledge that anything I need I can pay for is amazing. A good handyman/gardener/mechanic can go a long ways. The freedom of being free of need is priceless.
Could you possibly do a video on how religion and religious beliefs can cause trauma?
Omg this is so true. Every argument and fight (however small or dumb) with my bf I assume he will break up and it’s over. That he will leave and get sick of me. He doesn’t. He stays cuz he loves me but I can’t help but feel this way. Then I keep asking him if he is breaking up or leaving now cuz of the last fight, he keeps saying no, but I feel so scared he will leave especially after me asking and I feel like I’m sabotaging my own relationship cuz of my trauma.
“Do not do anything that you do not agree with” boundaries helper
Thank you for sharing your gifts with the world and providing this safe community to feel heard, validated and healed. In middle age, I’ve accepted that if I end up alone, I will be ok. I fought hard against this for decades and it got me nowhere except either pairing off with narcissistic or avoidant men who have taken me to the brink of self destruction.
Happy to be out of the dysfunctional for while and hopefully forever.
Man Anna , thanks for dispelling these new age bs beliefs ..” we are always exactly where we need to be”. There was another one you blew up for me but I can remember right now what it was - these rationalizations I’ve walked around with for decades and are common ones you hear from people in general and therapists alike. Time for daily practice - Thanks Anna !✌️
That one line drives me up the wall!
I find it so encouraging that I used to do most of these things and I don't anymore. There is hope for me!
Good to note our progress!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I am very isolated. It believes in myself, that safe people don't have interest in someone like me. This makes me feel ashamed and scares all the regulation out of me if i ever sense a could eventually be safe person. 🤦♀️ I have learned that being in need is not wise. Showing it is dangerous. It believes that i first have to find peace with what happened to become less reactive. At the same time while feeling not worthy for safe people i don't accept unsafe people in my life. So this is a trap. I stay alone as i have quit all relationships to unsafe people. All i see is either red flags or the feeling i am not good enough, i feel that ashamed for my way, all the damage that i carry i simply want to hide myself. Since i am a single mom for 6 Years now, i don't want to waste energy for the poor game that hurt so much, the mechanic that i mentioned above, while at the same time i am suffering from isolation and missing support. I need my energy for my family and protect it. The responseability not just for me but also for my child makes me really careful in social situations. My appease response makes it hard for me to set boundary's with people i don't feel safe jet, with my child or my parents that is no problem. I spiral down into more being alone, avoiding triggers. I don't have nerves for people who can't handle me like i am. But i can't handle me, i can't run away 😂 I am doing my best working on myself and this sometimes nurture the believe of not being okay the way i am. I am writing this down over and over again in the writing and meditation technique. I don't have someone to share as i am afraid of putting more fears from other people in my mind. This is one of my trauma pattern, over valuing others fears or problems. A crack in my inner boundary. I am on my way and the technique is really helpful. All the clarity i got with myself and the slow process of befriending myself is like magic.
Love that you are trying the Daily Practice- has worked for me for over a decade!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Dear Anna, thank you for your content. I found out your channel just yesterday. I tried to search up something about like “flashbacks” of scary memories from my childhood. These started to randomly come to my mind a few weeks ago. Maybe because I am on my path to heal from a destructive relationship I had. Your videos are helping me understand what is going on now and also what happened in my childhood. I always thought that I am not allowed to be sad over my parents behaviour towards me because 1. I am almost 30, I am adult and should be able to overcome it just easily (bullshit), 2. my parents loved me and they would never hurt me and I am way too sensitive (I’ve heard this not even once from my mother and I still hear the voice back in my head every time I am sad and in pain). Thank you dear Anna for letting me know that I can legitimly feel sad over my childhood even when I am adult.
Can you do a video on how to recognize/deal with the false self beliefs when you find yourself in healthy relationships?
Yeah for sure!!
I needed to hear this today more than any day, this is perfect timing. Thank you so much for the wisdom and help that you're willing to put out there!
Oh yes, I'm really dealing with this. I love how you cover so many different aspects and dynamics of c-PTSD as someone who really understands it. Many thanks.
18:47 totally agree that it’s not true that “all the good ones are taken” and “there are no good so-and-sos” and so on, however the ironically painful caveat learning or realizing or even just blanket acknowledging that yes, there are good people out there makes the chronically lonely even worse. When it’s NOT true that unfortunately adds yet another layer of bitterness & resentment towards the fact you never ever experienced the good people out there.
My only solace in my chronic loneliness is that I can now at least actually recognize for what it is. I wish it could lessen the pain, though 🙁
Is it weird that now that I'm in therapy and healing, I only find myself attracted to people who also had some kind of trauma? In a way it makes me feel they'll understand me better but a part of me also finds them more compassionate and perhaps even more interesting than someone who never had that kind of experience. Is it just me? 😅😅
Ah, been there. It's double the problems when you both are unhealed. It results in double triggering, dysregulation, trauma bonding, people pleasing, etc, etc. It's utterly exhausting relying on the other person to deal healthily with your reactions and it's mirrored back at you. Round and round it goes. I feel healthy people wouldn't stay long with someone with CPTSD who isn't actively tackling healing from it. Like attracts like.
@@FirehorseG All that you said is very true.
No you ain't alone. Me too for sure me too. And it's true. They can understand us better. They can also be more trauma for us. Finding ppl that have truly healed is what u gotta do.
Just the fact that this video exists gives me a visceral feeling of hope. Thank you thank you thank you.
Ive been married 21 years now. Filed for divorce a week ago. I juat stumbled upon your videos about childhood trauma ptsd. Definitely hit home for me and made alot of sense especially with my triggers etc. Im also a veteran with ptsd and since being home for 6 years now it pretty much pushed my loved ones away while i shut down from not staying regulated. I mever knew this and i have to say one thing though; ive known my wife since 4th grade and always knew her. Shes always stayed with me cause she knows my true self under the stressors. She stayed for 21 years. We have 2 kids and 2 dogs together and me watching these videos definitely make me know im safe and can heal after time. Me and her are making our family feel weird cause theyve had nasty devorces and me and her always said we'd never put out kid's thru that. We will always be friends just not husband wife. Thank you... longer story thats a summary
I hear from my family "it's better to be alone than to be with a bad, abusive man" and I answer "not all men are bad, and we have men in our family that are hardworking and respectful". It's like they think I won't be able to find a good man. It's either single or abused, or, at least, mistreated.
I had a very similar experience prior to my rock bottom of toxic love and I took myself and changed my mind beliefs ect I decided to grow healthy by myself and God and a sister that really helped me get threw it I really hope anyone else in pain finds peace as I did I'm very grateful because I was trauma bonded to him and it was extremely hard to get away and stay
The point of having a friend/metor to help really hit hard for me. I had a good friend like that but sadly lost him just over a year ago and I've noticed all too late slipping into old patterns without the guidance and outside perspective he could provide
Your channel and content have so much insight, it’s literally saved me from myself. Thank you for sharing ❤️🙏
Romantic relationships are not the only relationships to “avoid” being alone. Embrace all other relationships in your life as equivalent to stay balanced. Have no respective persons, yet respect boundaries too.
This video has helped me more than the hundreds of dollars in therapy sessions. Thank you so much for your videos!!
I'm so glad you are healing!
Me too, so helpful!
Yes, i want do her class, to learn how to date in healthy way!
I love this content about romantic relationships. It's really something I'm trying to understand atm.
I was born a change of life baby and my parents were married fifty-three years total. I never saw them hug or kiss each other. Both of them worked and I was well provided for. Our house was well-organized neat and clean. I was a high-achieving perfect daughter and double high honor student all through life. I went back to college at 40 and did it again, double high honors 4.2. I married once for life which lasted twelve years. I lived a fairytale life of Cinderella/Donna Reed, but I worked. When I agreed to marry him I said the only thing I'll ever ask of you is a 50 year anniversary. For some reason it didn't work out but we always remained co-parenting very easily and we never disrespected nor were acrimonious. I just never felt like trying it again because I was independently secure and was successful at being a single mom with a supportive father separately. And now over 60 and I'm content living alone. I might be being selfish but I don't like conflict or drama and I just don't want to have to try to get to know somebody new at this point in my life.
You’re videos have helped me so much I have given your information to siblings and friends.
I have made so much progress over last two years. Still not ready to date but getting there. I have a lot of work to still do. I think it’s improvement that I’m at peace with that.
😊
Thank you😊 I still now and then get trapped in old patterns and feel ashamed. I finally found a therapist that understand what you talk about and helps me forward. I like the concept of the toxic reaction instead of outsourcing it to the other person. I keep watching this channel for insights and to learn some extra 😊👋🏼
You are the best thing that happened to me. Thank you so much for the info and light you put out there❤
Love the episode, I would really love if you could get yourself an editor who could section up your video into the 10 different parts when you talk about each belief. It would just make your content more easily consumable and more easy to binge. I would much rather binge this then other content and learn more of these techniques well.
Start learning more here: courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com
-Cara@TeamFairy
I was traumatised when my mum had to go in to hosp for 6 weeks when i was nearly 4. I was so upset i developed a stammer to the point of not being able to talk. I have separation anxiety to the point i wreck relationships and alsohave avoidence issues. I am alright till i love someone,then i get insecure because i feel they can hurt me now, then i back off and deliberately sabotage it.
It is so freeing to go through the process of healing.
I understand all of this and I can be honest about the emotional abuse that I witnessed my mom go through and emotional neglect that I have been through, part of it was getting everything material that I wanted. You've kept it very honest about what so many people have struggled with for many years. Thank you and Namaste
Oh my gosh I didn't know you lived in Northern California! Although I may have heard you say that in the last video of you I just watched. I'm just in Sacramento!
Closure for me has actually turned out to be a success. Someone I had fallen for when I was 16 (who never felt the same way but was always kind to me) was on my mind again (years back) and I started to wonder if there was a reason why. I remember sending him a letter conveying that, and the next time we talked on the phone since we were still in touch, still friends, he told me he was engaged. You'd think that would have torn my heart to pieces, but actually it gave _me_ a sense of closure and I was able to let him go. I still appreciated his friendship, and he had even invited me to his wedding. And only unfortunate circumstances kept me from making it out there. But I had sent them a wedding gift and it's always been well between us, thankfully.
I guess exes usually don't work out as friends, but one man I almost married when I was in the Air Force and I are friends on Facebook to this day (as is my first boyfriend from grade school, but that's another story), although I correspond on Facebook with his wife more often. No issues, we're all sisters and brother in Christ, and we know we're going to know each other forever. It's all good with us now. I wish the same for others.
Wow Anna ! Thank you for this video... It feels like you made it for me... This speaks to me ... Thank you for your work... Mmmmm.... I will watch this again later... You are such a helpful lady... I am feeling connected to you in a very authentic healthy way... Your advice comes across for me as solid, grounded, and for real... Thank you again for your service Anna... I appreciate your presence in my experience...
I am Thomas from Pasadena Ca. .
Thank for this kind note! I may be doing a live show near you in early fall.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and positive outcomes with us, Anna. I get very triggered by new age spiritual beliefs that seem to relay messages that you get what you give, etc. I am a very giving, loving person, but often can’t discern the right people to give my loving energy to. But I feel down that somehow, I am not grateful enough, or that I’m doing everything wrong, or I just don’t deserve love. Could you do another video on healthy vs unhealthy spirituality one day? Thank you! 💜
To add, perhaps what I mean is a video about how to cultivate healthy spirituality when you have childhood trauma?
I think it’s more you get what you believe, I.e if you don’t believe you deserve love it will be reflected back to you in some way. It doesn’t mean it’s true, but that your beliefs do hold a lot of weight. You give to others but what do you believe about yourself and do you give that same love to yourself? Do you have boundaries when you feel you’re being disrespected or depleted? When you give, you should know you are deserving of that same love. If you, the person who knows you the most can’t believe that about yourself - I think that’s where you can start, improving your self concept
I am going through this now, want to find someone who respects but its scary out there
We have help and support :)
courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com
-Cara@TeamFairy
You make SO MUCH sense!! Thank you, bless you 💛💫
I used to be driven like this, as far as toxic people go, all that used to change was the name. I realized that I had to stop shopping at the same place. I had to change my signals I was putting out that was attracting these people. It didn’t happen overnight, and I had to “fake it” until I made it. It didn’t feel natural at first, however it was a more healthy way of living.
No matter what you are talking about, I find something valuable. Thank you Anna!
Enjoyed this video, definitely gave me some perspective ✨✨thanks for sharing
Glad you enjoyed it!
Nika@TeamFairy
Hi Crappy Family. I'd like advice about being single & OK with it without going through trauma to learn it. For some people, acceptance of not having an intimate relationship is liberating.
I think it's important we don't just see being single as a stigma or lack. Because it's not. We can have deep connections to friends, family, work, nature and live a full live without a romantic partner.
Maybe it's menopause but I definitely feel liberated from my drive. It didn't serve me well & wasn't terribly satisfying most times.
@@katiekane5247 OMG me too!! My libido used to drag me around mercilessly, continually retraumatizing and pushing me towards the most absurd hookups and unhealthy relationships. I did not expect it to disappear completely! The silver lining is that the greatest distraction to doing my healing work has taken a hike but my sensual capacity has gone off the charts! Who knew?!? It's so nice not to be distracted by raw magnetism anymore. 🙏🏼
It’s the MOST liberating feeling ever. I wish Ana would talk about this.
Yes Ana, what's so wrong with being single?
@CrappyChildhoodFairy Your content is absolutely excellent ! Thank you so very much !
It would be supremely helpful to have 1) chapters to be able to listen again to specific ones, 2) a written list of each point. (The CPTSD brain fog, ADD & chronic pain making it extremely challenging to sit & focus, nearly impossible to listen, track, absorb & integrate.
Thanks so very much for sharing your experience & expertise! So many are being helped by you!
Thank you, so grateful. I also like videos where you state there are a good man out there. But I am unable to find it. Can you please repost it. We need reminders, and is so sweet.❤❤
Pure gold. Your channel is invaluable.
Glad you think so!
Nika@TeamFairy
This is absolutely the best video thank you
Glad you think so!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you ❤️for this.
I was aware of my own difficulties in relationships and social interaction, but it's incredible how much of what you say is true and applies to me.
Thank you for these insightful videos !!
You're welcome! Thank you for watching!
Nika@TeamFairy
No.3 what holds me back for years.Almost all of them resonates ugh
Glad you're here! courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com
-Cara@TeamFairy
Ouch! I felt identified.
I have a dear friend who has several "problems" that fit the symptoms of CPTSD. I wanted to dig deeper to understand more about what I think he may be suffering from, but now the problem is that I also identified with some things that happen to people with CPTSD 😫😭😭😭Maybe I also have some trauma, not as severe as CPTSD, but, anyway, I need to fix it.
If there's a pattern that doesn't go well, doing the same thing will get the same outcome. If we don't take the chance to make a better choice, our life will never change. We need to change our ways not the goal. Just really be open to positive things, inside and out. Coz really, it doesn't matter how bad it was, it's how you bounce back to make it good in the future. Show up, act out! Fight yourself that lets you down, conquering oneself is the greatest feat.
You're amazing thanks much for your channel
Thank you for being a part of our community here!
Nika@TeamFairy
You only desire closure if a person disappears. In other words, if their story is still open to you.
I don't have these 10 beliefs you speak of.
3.5 yrs into a disciplined healing and then a quarantine, here's what I hear from survivors having difficulty w dating:
1. Dating scene is disturbing and declining in monogamy.
Professor Sam Vaknin speaks relentlessly on this societal issue AND the other points below. .
2. Many professionals state we have a narcissist epidemic. A society of NPD and BPD. 1 in 3 npd 1 in 4 bod. So in essence, we who have worked are asses off to be grounded responsible non codependent, have problems meeting self accountable self aware people.
3. Women over 50 are disposable in the dating scene. Men our age want women half our age. And again few are interested in monogamous relationships.
4. CV and quarantine has destroyed openness and effective communication and a lack of relationship competency.
5. I don't know one person or one couple in a healthy marriage. That's reality. And most everyone doesn't know one healthy couple or marriage. Again...CV and quarantine have shown over 60% divorce rate domestic violence rates increased beyond comprehension and mental health problems skyrocketed.
So Anna...
Maybe you can address these real issues others of us recovering from cptsd deal w after we've put the hard work in.
I'm to the point of why did I even bother healing bc society is so broken and distorted sick and unwilling to heal themselves.
Looks like you want validation for how terrible everything is but I don't have it for you. I suggest you stop focusing on "society" and work on yourself. This channel is about healing and we're doing it.
I've heard the same things from people, and I've heard lots of people warning to be careful in this dating scene nowadays. Nothing wrong with seeing reality as it is.
EDIT: I've also noticed a dramatic difference in the way men look at me and interact with me, in non-romantic situations. It's like everyone's minds are more sex-focused and read into everything I say now. Whereas only 10 years ago, this happened rarely to me. Just an observation. I have to be careful with what I say now, and make sure it has no double-meaning I didn't intend on. And I filter filter filter when I meet ppl nowadays, and make sure to keep strong boundaries around men, especially the ones who take dirty meanings to innocent things that I've said - especially when this happens in situations where I am in no way flirting, and in professional situations too. I know I'm not ready to date, and have no illusions about how much of an uphill battle it will be if I decide to bc of my trauma conditioning, but I find it disheartening that I can't barely have neutral friendships with men without it getting weird. In social situations I don't care, I brush it off, but I'm seeing this in other situations now. I hope this phase of society ends soon. I should say I have one professional relationship with a man and it's not weird lol. All the others are questionable LOL. Such is life I guess.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy
BY GOD I'VE SEEN IT ALL.
UNBELIEVABLE HOW YOU ANSWERED W SHAMING, DEFLECTION., ASSUMPTION,. BLAME SHIFTING ANNA.
When a so-called expert can't answer VALID WORLD POINTS ....question that any healthy person would prose, and instead answers how you BELIEVE ASSUME DIAGNOSE why a stranger feels thinks or ASKS??....
HOUSTON YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.
BUT HEY.. ARE YOU GOING TO SAY I HAVE THE PROBLEM OR I'M TRIGGERING BECAUSE I'M WRITING IN CAPITAL LETTERS?
OR SAY I NEED MORE HEALING BC IM CALLING YOU OUT OR THIS OR THAT NOW?
YOU SOUND LIKE ONE OF THOSE COACHES THAT'S TALK A GOOD TALK ON A VIDEO, BUT DO NOT KNOW HOW TO ANSWER QUESTIONS OR HAVE A DECENT CONVERSATIONS UNLESS PEOPLE ARE AGREEING AND HEAD NODDING TO ALMIGHTY MIGHTY ANNA.
ANNA YOU A SCAMMA...
SOUNDS LIKE YOUR INNER CHILD NEEDS HEALING. 💋
@@imjustme2876 can you believe the so-called experts answer to shame me and deflect every single point I prosed?
This is not the first time Anna has done this because she cannot answer hard questions.
You are such a gift, speaking sanity to my heart. Thank you so much! 🙏
Thanks for listening!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Becoming an adult means not needing anyone. Basically, your parents are likely to pass away before you do. After that, who’s going to be there to fill that void? No one. So the sooner you make peace with this idea, the better off you’ll be.
I agree with most of these except number 9, with which I politely disagree. In fact, in the past, I was stuck in unhealthy relationships precisely because I wasn't able to see toxicity in others and I was gaslighted into believing I was just too sensitive. I don't want to be neutral when being abused or manipulated - I want to have a strong emotional reaction but also be regulated enough to act in a healthy, assertive way to protect my boundaries. Being neutral and trying to numb down my feelings may work for some people but not for me. Ok, I listened again to everything, Anna doesn't say you should be neutral to abuse, but verbal and emotional abuse is not easy to recognize, especially if you grow up in a dysfunctional family.
I also politely disagree on this one. Some people can literally harm you with their presence and energy, especially if they’re intent on your complete annihilation or controlling you. While it’s true that it’s our bodies are having a subsequent toxic reaction to their behavior (cortisol, stress, etc), this is uncontrollable. They’re dangerous and threatening and the body knows it. It’s impossible to be unaffected. Their assault on reality or civility is harmful and inevitably affects those around them, especially those they aim to control or harm. So I think it’s fairly accurate to call some people toxic, and I agree it’s important to identify them as such. I think since childhood, many of us have been normalizing and making excuses for toxic people in toxic environments because that’s what we knew. It’s time to finally see that it’s them causing the toxicity and that the only solution is physical distance. In the meantime we work on our damaged selves and learn how to find and keep healthy connections with people who have a calming and healing presence.
My irrational trauma belief keeping me single is that if I approach anyone I will inevitably end up rejected, humiliated mocked and deeply hurt. So there is like an invisible emotional wall literally keeping me away from even flirting with anyone. As soon as I start to like someone I evade them and look the other way.
I am 24 years old, always was neglected as a child, I had an abusive mother, and terrible experiences at school from being outcasted and rejected,. As an adult, I have always been rejected by all girls, unless they wanted to use me, and be with me only if I obeyed to them, and give them money. I cry every day because I feel so worthless that I am getting old and that I will never experience sex, and love. I myself am incapable of love, and the only way I know how to love is give gifts or money. The past is the best predictor of the future, and I refuse to try. It does not matter how attractive or ugly I am, its just something I will never experience. Only self harm and my eating disorder make me feel better, and I always fall for people who reject me, or use me. Nowadays I avoid going out or even looking at people, I avoid all eye contact with anyone, even the cashier at the supermarket, i push away everyone for fear of triggering my trauma response and pain of past rejection i had in the past. Rejection hurt me so much that I avoid all people because of that. It takes so little to dysregulate myself, and turn on my self harm behaviors. I am ashamed when I look for attention from girls and i try to hide it, by avoiding all eye contact with anyone or go to extreme lengths to not even getting out of my house, unless i have to work, or buy food. This world is not made for people like me, i understood this since I was a child.
This speaks to me.. It reminded me of my time in high school when I walked with my head down all the time and avoided eye contact... And eating disorder, I had been a bulimic since then. I hope you could find ways to entagnle yourself from the stories that defeats you like "The past is the best predictor of the future", you are very young and with heating you could be in a very different place, a far brighter future then :)
Fairy, you have such a wonderful sense of humor! Thank you!
I love you. You are changing my life deeply
This video helped me so much. I realized through watching this the patterns the come from childhood. Thank you so much for your wisdom!