The idea that mutual understanding naturally leads to the cessation of conflict is erroneous. While understanding may help people respond to others with greater patience and compassion, it does little to change the original needs and desires that demand understanding. Those who seek to be understood are asking for a concession: they want others to change because they believe they can't (or won't) do so themselves. Book a paid consultation: oriontarabanpsyd.com/consultations Subscribe to my newsletter: oriontarabanpsyd.com Social Media Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100090053889622 LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/orion-taraban-070b45168/ Instagram: instagram.com/psyc.hacks Twitter: twitter.com/oriontaraban Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com Orion's Theme: ua-cam.com/video/WrXBzQ2HDEQ/v-deo.html Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated GRE self-study program based on the world's only empirically-validated test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com. Become a Stellar affiliate and earn a 10% commission for every membership purchased by a new student you conduct into the program: stellargre.tapfiliate.com. GRE Bites: www.youtube.com/@grebites4993 Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community: ua-cam.com/channels/SduXBjCHkLoo_y9ss2xzXw.htmljoin Sound mixing/editing by: valntinomusic.com Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world. #psychology #selfimprovement #selfcare
wait what ?/ conflict resolution is a process. yap there is couple strategies to go, but thing is, i hear from you same conflict resolution technique as you presented as inefficient prefiosly in a start of this video. i heard many words of wisdom from you, but i refuse to agree this is one of them. let me lay it as i understood you from this video 1. lady dont want much sex but her husband whants more. 2. lady asks for understanding (you catch it like : stop being so horny, i don't want this much, stop acting that way) 3. you presented train of thoughts : lady it is childish disingage just because you doesn't like it, you making hard to love you, stomp comply and surrender, make yourself easy, and it is your job to be lovable so i don't have to engage in a conflict in your presence. so, i see this as a dirrect reflection of her behavior, you demanding compliance whithout any progress of conflict resolution. you just saying : see how unplesent you made me feel ? i made you feel the same way, if you talk to me like that, than you understand this language, so i repeated this and it ll be enough to change your behaviour, otherwise you are hypocrite so i ll leave (basically "you bozo, no you bozo" strategy) this way you ll filter people who can't engage in a conflict and ll surrender and comply every time something would be in a question, if you whant someone spineless it is a good strategy, can't recommend this to anyone i tried many strategies to resolve conflict, and this one works for me: 1 collect the data 2 problemsolve together 3 make some hypotheses 4 try them 5 stick to those witch ll work, if time passed, and problem occured again, repeat steps 1-5 1. collect the data - hey, we have a problem, can't give you more - but you are so sexy, i want more (sad face) - k there is my side of the problem pls understand this (-she should add something like this : so we can problemsolve to find possible sollutions to this problem) now man in question as far as my understanding goes should act like this : - i see, i see k there is my side of the problem pls understand this, so we can problemsolve together to find possible sollutions to this problem. pls understand me too - k, i see so data collected, on what side of the problem we should start to resolve this? 2. problemsolve together - deep enough and detailed enough conversation to truly understand what problem is 3. hypotheses - do you have an idea what we can try to make it work ? - thats what i see for you to try, and thats what i can offer to try from my side, you ? - i see, this what my ideas 4. pick and try 5 fuck those was bad, we need something different/ ou problem solved, do you liked solution, what we can do better ? and only then, if a strategy as cristal clear and honest to both sides, if someone refuse to engage in it, and can't offer something better in return (also known as 5d chess players) - leave person in question cus they are refuse to engage in problemsolving activities, and if this a relationship dynamic - problems ll just grow infinetly. im curious what you guys think of this problemsolving algoritm, is there any flaws i should adress ?
@@танчиктанчиков-ю3о Your problem solving strategy is ancient, well known and commonly practiced in most fields. The Americans call it "brain storming" because they enjoy buzzwords. The British refer to it as problem solving, generating options, or something similar. It is a sensible thinking format and can be practiced as an individual, a couple, or a group. 1. Identify and define the problem; face it as it is. No distortion, no exaggeration or minimising; use accurate proportions and perspective. 2. List options and ideas; be wide minded and sharp minded, innovative, exclude nothing from the list; list all possibilities, even the silly and seemingly disagreeable ones. Keep emotion, i.e., desire, personal preferences, likes/dislikes, irrational aversions/attractions, etc, temporarily silent while listing options/ideas. 3. Go through the list and weigh up every option according to careful judgement. Not according to impulse; do not put emotional likes/preferences ahead of better-judgement. Compare options. Some guidelines for judgement, comparison, and selection: Is it: realistic? does it inconvenience anyone else? is it practical? what might be its consequences? 4. Assess the results of applying the option/idea to the problem. 5. If it did not work, select another option or make adjustments as required. 6. Make use of other resources if necessary. (People, friends, family, media, library, professionals, etc.)
@@Bluest_of_Blue_Waffles Which audience, men in sexless marriages? Yea that's funny, fuck those guys' needs and wants nobody should care about them right, they're not people.
As a woman this video was an eye opener, and serves as reminder to me that all conflicts begin as an unmet need/desire. And while understanding can lead to compassion and forgiveness, meeting those needs are still required, beneficial long lasting solutions still need to be discussed. Seeking Understanding will not be used to avoid personal change.
@ephraimwinslow Good question. I find that most western women are like toddlers when it comes to their 'needs' and feel entitled to getting almost everything they want. Also, a lot of their 'needs' would be better classified as wants IMO
This is true, but you don’t make concessions because of an understanding empathy phase, You have to also be able to sit in the tension of not knowing how to solve your problem, but believing with enough attention and willingness to learn that we can figure something out, you have to seek the superior third option that you don’t think exists. Faith isn’t religious, it’s regulating or regulating in a way that you can get out of fight flight freeze shutdown attatch cry for help, and commit to using the the new headspace, where you still don’t know, but have enough mental capacity to ask questions or learn to ask questions about a topic and you go about building a model, you consider both sides and you try to learn how to turn it into something better. Faith is just having faith in what you can create when your defensive nervous systems aren’t dragging you down.
@@ephraimwinslow Additionally you're supposed to anticipate those needs, rather than react to them when prompted. This is because failing to anticipate them would require the woman to list them, which would expose her as being the incredibly demanding/selfish person she is. It would also be exhausting for her to have to do (the act of constant listing "needs"). They'd far rather it be exhausting for the man instead.
The only people deserving understanding are people who actively work on the situation and WANT to accommodate YOUR desires too. But even then if they fail to make changes for long time, its better to look for someone else.
It can be a tad tricky, as often it’s prob good to allow them to talk until they are done while instructing them no “you” statements but only “I feel because I need statements” or “I feel” because once you can get a handle on that you can get to a seperate phase of problem solving, understanding and problem solving are not the same phase and don’t occur at the same time, they actually cant😊
I'm with you. I don't need perfection, just an honest effort. If I see that you're at least trying to accommodate my needs, I can be reasonably satisfied with that contribution. If nothing else, self consciousness may be OK, since you'll want to contribute more where you can and that may feel more balanced. But if I fully understand that you won't support me, won't try and don't even feel bad about it, I know I have to start looking elsewhere to get what I need.
@@tonybernard4444 trying to accommodate your needs by having sex when she doesn't want to... That is definitely not arousing and only going to kill her libido....
@@asolaris6470that’s why you flip it on them and use that game against them. If they walk away from that, how can you care considering you have an excuse?
Just as long as we all Understand that men can be women. Understand they can go in their locker rooms. Understand they can physically compete with them. We all need to Understand that biology isn't real.
Yes, this does fit with my own experience. Couple's therapy where one party understands and makes changes, and more changes, and more changes. After many weeks the therapist suggests the other party should also try to understand and make changes. The response: I'm not capable of changing; it's too difficult. The whole process suddenly went pretty meaningless.
That's why therapy is insufficient. In Christian counseling, the command to repent is given to the obstinate and the threat of hell for refusing to change does indeed motivate behavior more
Couples therapy is worthless. It's either 2 vs 1 "she's right, you need to stop wanting sex" or it's just going through the motions to prepare for divorce. The couples that make it work WANT to make it work.
@@Bluest_of_Blue_Waffles sounds exhausting, if you aren't of that temperament - no wonder people prefer to play that game in the workplace but not in the home
@@OrwellsHousecatIf you are truly Alpha, you play it both at home and at work. Pull no punches. Your coworker, your boss, your wife your kids. Also go to Alpha boot camp once a year.
@@Bluest_of_Blue_Waffles almost noone is like that. Plus, real alpha don't go to boot camp to top up their alpha-ness - that's just a larp for people who are trying to be something they aren't
I made myself extremely simple to my boss. Very productive with no drama. Never asked for a raise but held on to what he said when I was hired. "You will be making this in a year if you do this, this and this." I did way beyond that. So much so that I had VPs coming to tell me what a good lil boi I was and taking me out to fancy lunches. When the year was up and and the raise was nowhere near what was promised I didn't say a word. Found another gig and turned in my notice. He asked why and was told he lied. Couple of days later he said he could honor the promised amount.........if I wasn't worth it 2 days ago why am I worth it now? Quit and moved on. Learned a bit. Mainly be mouthy as phuck cus if you make it too ez they take it for granted.
Women are truly simple, verbal abuse is a no way to their hearts. A man can win only with kindness. "Kindly" said verbal abuse is still a verbal abuse. Be aware and never submit to that my dear women friends! You only speak about what women do wrong Orion all the time, and never about what they do right. Negativity is also a no way to women's heart. You are 9 sticks with 1 carrot. It can't build a working relationship. This is science, you said.
I have to tell people this all the time. I do understand. It still doesn't mean it's okay. At the end of the day, it's just an excuse for negligence. People should want to do better, for themselves and for others.
I understand exactly why my ex-wife is a controlling, narcissistic, aggrieved woman with the ego fragility of an enraged child. Didn't make it any easier to live with her (in fact, the understanding made it worse) and I'm so much happier away from her.
Understanding them is a lot like understanding coyotes. You're not suddenly overcome with the urge to go *fight* the damn things. You just judiciously avoid them because *why would you do anything else* to a coyote???
I’m always curious about the people who choose people such as your ex-wife. Not justifying her actions, but it’s important to have solid boundaries, core beliefs and values and have enough integrity to not let anyone keep us from adhering to these things.
@@Divinia93 Absolutely. Nothing unique about my situation, which was a combination of "we-don't-fall-in-love-with-what's-good-for-us, we-fall-in-love-with-what's-familiar" and "but she's so wonderful in other areas that I'm sure I can HELP her!" So I've learned that angry, bitter women aren't good for me and to stay away from them, and that instead of trying to "fix" other people, I should concentrate on "fixing" myself.
Yep, ended a 10 year relationship because of this exact thing. Asked her to change for 4 years. I finally came to the understanding she wanted me to be better, but had no desire to improve herself.
This is double edge sword; on one hand being agreeable to fit the group and embrace consensus makes you lovable and likeable, but on the other being disagreeable opens doors (sometimes by confrontation and single-handedness) that otherwise would remain closed if not by daring to being unloved and controversial. There's a balance to be achieved but it requires the courage to draw a line on the sand, and let the chips fall where they may. Conflict has a role in nature as well.
@@jonathanisernhagen6515Not really. If used just in the right time, those words can amplify the meaning. I think none of us viewers has any doubts that Orion is a well behaved and well spoken, very composed man.
@@MatiKosa Absolutely yes. No one doubts that a Lamborghini is a fantastically-engineered, high-performance car. But if you throw a shovel of pig feces across the hood and windshield, it distracts from the aesthetics, which is why people tend not to photograph them that way. Profanity is the verbal equivalent of pig excrement. If Dr. Taraban could find a way to get rid of it, he'd sound much classier and no less effective.
My attempt to summarize: - Understanding facilitates compassion. It does nothing to change dissatisfaction with a given relational arrangement/exchange of value. - Seeking to be understood means you are offering a poorer/subpar value proposition. - Rather than seeking to be understood, simplify yourself. This will increase your value proposition and improve your relationships naturally. Personal commentary: In the past I've sought to understand women/others and saw this as value offered. I did this because I wanted to be understood myself. Which I see now was a symptom of offering poor relational value. Tough but true.
It’s different if you’re offering value and want to make sure that person understands that you have more value than them. Then you’re just selling yourself better than them. Seeking to be understood when you offer NOTHING is the problem. Seeking to be understood when you offer VALUE is appropriating your own value effectively
Making the effort to first change myself before demanding change of everyone around me was a game changer. “…everyone that exalts himself shall be humbled, and he who humbles himself shall be exalted.” - (St Luke, 18 : 14)
Man, I had some girlfriends like that. I heard that "You just don't understand!!" so many times... I usually replied with "I understand. I just don't/can't agree with it. And in my place you wouldn't either." Nothing ever worked. Ever. These are people focused on creating problems and rejecting solutions. They fight you even when you agree with them. When you explain the mistake they're making, their face goes... error 404. After that, they may probably go psychopathic and start trying to demoralize/destroy you. Today, after studying a lot, I know that is totally borderline and/or narcissistic. But at the time those happened, there was no internet with so many great videos about it. I wish there had been. Would have saved me a lot of energy and pain in life. So today, when I bump into those "types", I know what to do. Just run. Problem is: there are too many of those people. It's exhausting, sad, discouraging. I really wish I could find a decent relationship opportunity. But gee...
They say NPD affects 1/6th of the population but it's bigger than that... I think we are all narcissistic until we have a moment that causes us to grow. Some people consciously choose not to grow or heal and stay in that fight/flight state for the dura tion of their life.
Keep saying no what is not right for you, it's the only way to open spaces for what is right. You don't need a lot of women to be right for you, you just need to be open for one of them when they come in your vicinity
This is my favorite video from Dr. T so far. So true that people try to force you change - if you would only “understand!” Furthermore, if you don’t “understand,” then they say YOU are the problem. It’s great!
The point is solving a problem from both sides: asking for understanding and support WHILE working on yourself at the same time. One doesn’t exclude the other… and when there’s no improvement in a long time parting ways in a friendly and understanding manner.
YESS. I realized this a few months ago. I realized no one was seeking to understand and had what they want. I was willing to understand and was unclear about what I want. Deciding understanding came AFTER they met my standard helped a lot. “Business before pleasure.”
If my wife were to say to me that she didn't want to have sex anymore, my response would be cool, I don't want to provide and protect anymore. I hope you "understand." Either way, the problem would be solved.
@mikesolns1364 You're right but consider this: which is better, losing money and possessions or losing your manhood and essentially becoming a slave to your wife's emotions? Squash that! At least I would have SOME agency.
Also, constantly having to be understood builds silent resentment from those having to accommodate on most occasions. Sometimes you find yourself surrounded by “haters” you created who were at one point people who loved you deeply.
You put into words something that I have experienced in almost all of my relationships. My friendships, professional, and romantic relationships have seriously suffered because when I think that I am simply being a good person and hearing others out, giving them their argument, and really understanding where you’re coming from, they are hearing concessions concessions concessions.
In terms of long term relationships, “communication” can usually fix only small issues, improve some details etc. If someone takes the spouse for granted, there is no amount of communication that can change that.
Wow Doc, you hit the nail on the head👌. My ex wife used this excuse. Yes, she was a victim of rape when growing up. However, everyone had to change without her changing her behavior.
She should have thought about that before getting married. Moving forward, if I ever get married again, one of my questions will be has she suffered any type of sexual abuse in her past.
Fuck that, she should have thought about that before getting raped. God damn women think they just can wear anything and have men "understand' we're not supposed to rape them.
that's your fault for not vetting that out prior to marriage. you either got married way too early, ignored the red flags, or didn't make your expectations crystal clear prior to signing that contract.
You have to love how in the comments section, nearly everyone is saying that it is the OTHER person in their relationship who is the difficult, complicated, and demanding person. No one is admitting that they are this person and that they need to work on this.🙄
TRUE! A lot of men here saying how "victimized" they are. No willingness to do ANY SELF EXAMINATION. Women were put on Earth to SERVE them without any needs of our won. And if we have the adacity to have needs, WE are the problem.
You just stated the exact thing I was thinking. This just proves the narcissism in today's society. I'm a man, recently divorced. I sure as hell know that I have contributed to the divorce, regardless the amount/percentage. I know as a person I need to be a better version of myself tomorrow than I am today. To think otherwise is simply lying to yourself.
In your example, the understanding is only going _one way,_ and that is towards the woman. That said, you make an excellent point about how understanding is not a silver bullet when the needs and desires of two people are diametrically opposed, and compromise feels like coercion.
Plenty of women are in the position of "understanding" without the man being wlling to make any changes about any issue. A few months ago I ended a relationship just like that. If a woman ISN"T "understanding" the men here call her a selfish bitch. It's hwo women waste YEARS of our lives.
i find that after listening to your podcast that most of the other ones are gargabe. What you exrpess is very good and worth the time. I thank you for this. Some of the advice you expressed actually saved my life and I thank you in fact God bless you for it .
Hello Orion: Thank you very much for this. I have noticed that often when people ask for understanding, it is often a manipulative technique. Keep up the good work.
This may be your most brilliant and insightful segment. It held up a lot of mirrors for me re: a very difficult ( gaslighting, immature, in denial, controlling, critical, disrespectful) woman - who I just ended a two year relationship with. She's dismissive avoidant, and, in looking back - the amount of "understanding" she was requesting of me - was INSANE. Glad to be out - and now working on "understanding" myself better - and how to recognize red flags.
You can't compromise with women for two reasons. 1) They interpret concern of any kind for them as weakness. 2) Every single term of any agreement they make with you has the following invisible clause (that only applies to them): "[...] if I feel like it." I once made a deathly serious agreement with my own mother, on the understanding that she would never ask me to do a specific favor unless it was an actual emergency. Y'know what the first "emergency" she tried to spring on me was? Wanting to see a play with her girlfriends. Yeah. Seriously.
Excellent point! I am seeing more and more they weren’t created to lead! I fear for the future as more of them are let into politics. This won’t end well.
@@flemutter7211true, but I find that many men believe that leading equates to a woman being and staying silent and giving no input. a captain of a ship gets input, communicates and takes every crew members life into consideration. the captain then makes a decision with the data collected and leads.
@@Divinia93 they believe leading is about exerting power over someone weaker however they wish. They perceive the world from being the weaker sex. Ancient men were wise and put strong restrictions on them. We are going to learn a lesson.
“Meanwhile, the poor Babel fish, by effectively removing all barriers to communication between different races and cultures, has caused more and bloodier wars than anything else in the history of creation.” -The Hitchhiker’s Guide
I think you can ask the person to understand your limitations if you really bring value to a relationship (romance, friendship, etc.).then I suppose it's fair that the other person will tolerate some things about you while you also concede at some of their limitations or demands. But you can't ask for endless understanding while bringing nothing in return.
Important message for an easier life. Too many people demand their behaviour to be accepted and understood while they have no understanding as to why their behaviour is so difficult and the impact it has on others.
I can't believe even this needs to be taught to people. Today's people are so Self-centred, narcissistic and entitled that they are so ignorant to other's shortcomings and difficulties. The people that want other people to understand them are ironically the people that need to understand others. This is indeed a great video Doc, keep these content coming.
So well described! I've had these same kinds of thoughts when I notice that people will often ask you to do what they themselves are not willing to do.
Again, thanks D.O.T for boiling this down to the root. I know something was off or felt like a scam when people would do this like, "See! You get me!" Then I'd feel compelled to 'get (understand)' them. Keep the good info coming!
I always felt "understand me" was basically a way to try and sound mature & rational, but not deliver on anything. So yes, now I know why you don't care about my male requirement. It's because you prioritize your feelings & comfort more than my basic root needs. Now when I hear that out of a person, I instantly move on to someone who actually wants to be a partner and contribute to the relationship.
Wow; I was not expecting that. As this video went on, it hit me how difficult of a person I am. I needed to hear that. Also, that Stellar GRE sounds quite appealing especially since I plan on going back to school. And, I can't believe you got a perfect score. Congratulations.
Also, don't confuse being less complicated with being less intelligent. Oftentimes people think that in order to be a simpler person in certain ways is to be dumber, which is not the case at all.
You literally took the words out of my mouth. This is what i have been trying telling people but refuse to understand, may be its because I dont have a psychology degree.
I believe understanding is just the first step. I have never said I would not work on what I need to work on. As you said (in so many words), understanding is a call for patience during the process of change and adapting. I want my husband to understand why I can be flaky and emotionally dysregulated at times (ADHD) to help him have patience and compassion while I work on fixing my crap lol
I’ve seen this with difficult friends Former Friend: “I’m struggling with complex trauma and anxiety issues which is why I’m really bad at communicating.“ I see, that’s understandable. Are you going to do something about it? (I’m paraphrasing, not as blunt in practice) Former friend: “…” I’ve learned to recognise this person immediately and not waste my time.
This is definitely an interesting occurrence and one that I also spot easier and easier as I become older. Whether at work or in personal life, I simply have more and more, I guess you could say, acquaintances than friends and a lot of it has to do with this exact thing. People simply expect you to put up or deal with their whatever thing. To have endless understanding and sympathy for whatever it is that is apparently causing them grief or discomfort or whatever else. I'm willing to understand and sympathize to a point. After that, I'm moving on to something/someone else. The only people in my life who have my endless understanding and sympathy are ones that have very clearly displayed to me that they have the same for me which is basically my immediate family and maybe like a couple of very good friends. Even when I was married, I could not get that from any of my in-laws despite trying many times to extend the olive branch sort of speak. Oh well.
I saw basically the same concept a lot at my job: A lot of the drama came from people who didn't feel that their efforts were seen by others. Upon further investigation, and through simple observation, these same people were completely oblivious to the efforts of the same people they wanted to be seen by. Everyone wants to be seen, but noone makes the connection that that means everyone else wants to be seen. Switch 'seen' for 'understood' and you have this video.
I have succeeded in negotiating with a friend who asked NOT for understanding but just TOLD ME his problem/needs. (please understand = not fair!!) After that I TOLD him what I wanted... We both could agree. Now we can go on nice vacations together!
Spot on. I am tired of giving more. !!! I have a very expensive relationship. I have to face it. My needs will never again get met in this relationship. I have to become smiley john when I'm really dying at times. Horrible to have a normal body and attitudes when it's not appreciated not reciprocated . That's a hard drive to stop.
Men are so simple. Be loyal, supportive, great sex and silence. It can be written on back of a stamp. Women's criterion for men, we'll you can fill up 2 novels and it's still not over.
I'd even say that the sandwich and smile are optional . mine would be don't complain, lay on your back for 10 mins once a week. thats pretty much the only thing I can't get from anyone else @@jonmueller2117
awesome video, I like how you compare relationship dynamics to Employee-Employer. Also I like how you make a firm statement for getting along in relationships. Being easy to get along with is something we all can work on. And expecting that from a relationship partner should be a baseline expectation.
Thank you for your insights . A lot of your videos absolutely fit with my experiences in the past and I did not realize what was happening in my relationships. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us.
I enjoy your content immensely. However, I should say that I equally enjoy the background decor. Love the mid-century style furniture and the warm modern simplicity.
Thanks very specifically for this episode, Doc. I listen to a lot of your content and I’m looking forward to reading your book. You have been a helping hand to me.
The idea that mutual understanding naturally leads to the cessation of conflict is erroneous. While understanding may help people respond to others with greater patience and compassion, it does little to change the original needs and desires that demand understanding. Those who seek to be understood are asking for a concession: they want others to change because they believe they can't (or won't) do so themselves.
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Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.
#psychology #selfimprovement #selfcare
wait what ?/ conflict resolution is a process. yap there is couple strategies to go, but thing is, i hear from you same conflict resolution technique as you presented as inefficient prefiosly in a start of this video. i heard many words of wisdom from you, but i refuse to agree this is one of them. let me lay it as i understood you from this video
1. lady dont want much sex but her husband whants more.
2. lady asks for understanding (you catch it like : stop being so horny, i don't want this much, stop acting that way)
3. you presented train of thoughts : lady it is childish disingage just because you doesn't like it, you making hard to love you, stomp comply and surrender, make yourself easy, and it is your job to be lovable so i don't have to engage in a conflict in your presence.
so, i see this as a dirrect reflection of her behavior, you demanding compliance whithout any progress of conflict resolution. you just saying : see how unplesent you made me feel ? i made you feel the same way, if you talk to me like that, than you understand this language, so i repeated this and it ll be enough to change your behaviour, otherwise you are hypocrite so i ll leave
(basically "you bozo, no you bozo" strategy) this way you ll filter people who can't engage in a conflict and ll surrender and comply every time something would be in a question, if you whant someone spineless it is a good strategy, can't recommend this to anyone
i tried many strategies to resolve conflict, and this one works for me:
1 collect the data
2 problemsolve together
3 make some hypotheses
4 try them
5 stick to those witch ll work, if time passed, and problem occured again, repeat steps 1-5
1. collect the data
- hey, we have a problem, can't give you more
- but you are so sexy, i want more (sad face)
- k there is my side of the problem pls understand this (-she should add something like this : so we can problemsolve to find possible sollutions to this problem)
now man in question as far as my understanding goes should act like this :
- i see, i see k there is my side of the problem pls understand this, so we can problemsolve together to find possible sollutions to this problem. pls understand me too
- k, i see
so data collected, on what side of the problem we should start to resolve this?
2. problemsolve together
- deep enough and detailed enough conversation to truly understand what problem is
3. hypotheses
- do you have an idea what we can try to make it work ?
- thats what i see for you to try, and thats what i can offer to try from my side, you ?
- i see, this what my ideas
4. pick and try
5 fuck those was bad, we need something different/ ou problem solved, do you liked solution, what we can do better ?
and only then, if a strategy as cristal clear and honest to both sides, if someone refuse to engage in it, and can't offer something better in return (also known as 5d chess players) - leave person in question cus they are refuse to engage in problemsolving activities, and if this a relationship dynamic - problems ll just grow infinetly.
im curious what you guys think of this problemsolving algoritm, is there any flaws i should adress ?
@@танчиктанчиков-ю3о Your problem solving strategy is ancient, well known and commonly practiced in most fields. The Americans call it "brain storming" because they enjoy buzzwords. The British refer to it as problem solving, generating options, or something similar. It is a sensible thinking format and can be practiced as an individual, a couple, or a group.
1. Identify and define the problem; face it as it is.
No distortion, no exaggeration or minimising; use accurate proportions and perspective.
2. List options and ideas; be wide minded and sharp minded, innovative, exclude nothing from the list; list all possibilities, even the silly and seemingly disagreeable ones.
Keep emotion, i.e., desire, personal preferences, likes/dislikes, irrational aversions/attractions, etc, temporarily silent while listing options/ideas.
3. Go through the list and weigh up every option according to careful judgement. Not according to impulse; do not put emotional likes/preferences ahead of better-judgement. Compare options.
Some guidelines for judgement, comparison, and selection: Is it: realistic? does it inconvenience anyone else? is it practical? what might be its consequences?
4. Assess the results of applying the option/idea to the problem.
5. If it did not work, select another option or make adjustments as required.
6. Make use of other resources if necessary.
(People, friends, family, media, library, professionals, etc.)
Here you seem to not be presenting what mutural understanding is
Funny how it is the women who asks for understanding in the good dr. example. Almost as if he were catering to a certain audience..
@@Bluest_of_Blue_Waffles Which audience, men in sexless marriages? Yea that's funny, fuck those guys' needs and wants nobody should care about them right, they're not people.
As a woman this video was an eye opener, and serves as reminder to me that all conflicts begin as an unmet need/desire. And while understanding can lead to compassion and forgiveness, meeting those needs are still required, beneficial long lasting solutions still need to be discussed. Seeking Understanding will not be used to avoid personal change.
When was the last time you voluntarily made a concession to a man out of deference to his explicitly stated emotional needs on your own initiative?
@ephraimwinslow Good question. I find that most western women are like toddlers when it comes to their 'needs' and feel entitled to getting almost everything they want. Also, a lot of their 'needs' would be better classified as wants IMO
This is true, but you don’t make concessions because of an understanding empathy phase, You have to also be able to sit in the tension of not knowing how to solve your problem, but believing with enough attention and willingness to learn that we can figure something out, you have to seek the superior third option that you don’t think exists. Faith isn’t religious, it’s regulating or regulating in a way that you can get out of fight flight freeze shutdown attatch cry for help, and commit to using the the new headspace, where you still don’t know, but have enough mental capacity to ask questions or learn to ask questions about a topic and you go about building a model, you consider both sides and you try to learn how to turn it into something better. Faith is just having faith in what you can create when your defensive nervous systems aren’t dragging you down.
@@dan3696
"Also, a lot of their 'needs' would be better classified as wants IMO"
They put in a literal lifetime of work conflating those two things.
@@ephraimwinslow Additionally you're supposed to anticipate those needs, rather than react to them when prompted. This is because failing to anticipate them would require the woman to list them, which would expose her as being the incredibly demanding/selfish person she is. It would also be exhausting for her to have to do (the act of constant listing "needs"). They'd far rather it be exhausting for the man instead.
The only people deserving understanding are people who actively work on the situation and WANT to accommodate YOUR desires too. But even then if they fail to make changes for long time, its better to look for someone else.
It can be a tad tricky, as often it’s prob good to allow them to talk until they are done while instructing them no “you” statements but only “I feel because I need statements” or “I feel” because once you can get a handle on that you can get to a seperate phase of problem solving, understanding and problem solving are not the same phase and don’t occur at the same time, they actually cant😊
I'm with you. I don't need perfection, just an honest effort. If I see that you're at least trying to accommodate my needs, I can be reasonably satisfied with that contribution. If nothing else, self consciousness may be OK, since you'll want to contribute more where you can and that may feel more balanced. But if I fully understand that you won't support me, won't try and don't even feel bad about it, I know I have to start looking elsewhere to get what I need.
I couldn't agree more
Does this also apply to MEN? Can women leave them if they rfuse to change anything about themselves?
@@tonybernard4444 trying to accommodate your needs by having sex when she doesn't want to... That is definitely not arousing and only going to kill her libido....
"Understanding me" == "I don't want to be accountable"
Yes, this vid by Dr. O is one of the best & a deep dive basic into 'the understanding' 3 card monty manipulation tactic. Next level stuff Doc. TY
99.9% of women's favorite words: "You don't understand me!" "Why can't you understand this/that?"
@@asolaris6470that’s why you flip it on them and use that game against them. If they walk away from that, how can you care considering you have an excuse?
@@asolaris6470
"What if my problem wasn't that I don't understand [women] but that I don't like them?"
Just as long as we all Understand that men can be women. Understand they can go in their locker rooms. Understand they can physically compete with them. We all need to Understand that biology isn't real.
Yes, this does fit with my own experience. Couple's therapy where one party understands and makes changes, and more changes, and more changes. After many weeks the therapist suggests the other party should also try to understand and make changes. The response: I'm not capable of changing; it's too difficult. The whole process suddenly went pretty meaningless.
That's why therapy is insufficient. In Christian counseling, the command to repent is given to the obstinate and the threat of hell for refusing to change does indeed motivate behavior more
Couples therapy is worthless. It's either 2 vs 1 "she's right, you need to stop wanting sex" or it's just going through the motions to prepare for divorce. The couples that make it work WANT to make it work.
Men told to change: no problem.
Wahmen told to change: u gotta understand I'm not good at this. Let's stop trying to make me change 👎👎👎
A power struggle is still a power struggle, especially when 'understanding' and 'communication' is used to hide the nature of the issue
That's what relationships are about. Power struggles. When in a relationship you must never cease to think: how am I projecting power now?
@@Bluest_of_Blue_Waffles sounds exhausting, if you aren't of that temperament - no wonder people prefer to play that game in the workplace but not in the home
@@OrwellsHousecatIf you are truly Alpha, you play it both at home and at work. Pull no punches. Your coworker, your boss, your wife your kids. Also go to Alpha boot camp once a year.
@@Bluest_of_Blue_Waffles almost noone is like that. Plus, real alpha don't go to boot camp to top up their alpha-ness - that's just a larp for people who are trying to be something they aren't
@@OrwellsHousecat i think the alpha Boot Camp was a joke lol
understand = stand under
🎯
Exactly. All realtionships are about forcing your will upon others!
Omg that so clever. You reversed the words. Mind blown!
Thx it's just one of my many talents.
I made myself extremely simple to my boss. Very productive with no drama. Never asked for a raise but held on to what he said when I was hired. "You will be making this in a year if you do this, this and this." I did way beyond that. So much so that I had VPs coming to tell me what a good lil boi I was and taking me out to fancy lunches. When the year was up and and the raise was nowhere near what was promised I didn't say a word. Found another gig and turned in my notice. He asked why and was told he lied. Couple of days later he said he could honor the promised amount.........if I wasn't worth it 2 days ago why am I worth it now? Quit and moved on. Learned a bit. Mainly be mouthy as phuck cus if you make it too ez they take it for granted.
Good job. Management doesn’t understand we can walk away at any time
Women are truly simple, verbal abuse is a no way to their hearts. A man can win only with kindness. "Kindly" said verbal abuse is still a verbal abuse. Be aware and never submit to that my dear women friends!
You only speak about what women do wrong Orion all the time, and never about what they do right. Negativity is also a no way to women's heart. You are 9 sticks with 1 carrot. It can't build a working relationship. This is science, you said.
You don't get what you deserve. You get what you negotiate.
Literally might have forgotten.
An employer will only pay you what they think it would take to get someone else to do your job.
I have to tell people this all the time. I do understand. It still doesn't mean it's okay. At the end of the day, it's just an excuse for negligence. People should want to do better, for themselves and for others.
I understand exactly why my ex-wife is a controlling, narcissistic, aggrieved woman with the ego fragility of an enraged child. Didn't make it any easier to live with her (in fact, the understanding made it worse) and I'm so much happier away from her.
Understanding them is a lot like understanding coyotes. You're not suddenly overcome with the urge to go *fight* the damn things. You just judiciously avoid them because *why would you do anything else* to a coyote???
I’m always curious about the people who choose people such as your ex-wife. Not justifying her actions, but it’s important to have solid boundaries, core beliefs and values and have enough integrity to not let anyone keep us from adhering to these things.
@@Divinia93
"Not justifying her actions"
No, just running interference for your team and/or sewing the seeds of doubt.
@@Divinia93 Absolutely. Nothing unique about my situation, which was a combination of "we-don't-fall-in-love-with-what's-good-for-us, we-fall-in-love-with-what's-familiar" and "but she's so wonderful in other areas that I'm sure I can HELP her!" So I've learned that angry, bitter women aren't good for me and to stay away from them, and that instead of trying to "fix" other people, I should concentrate on "fixing" myself.
Post nut clarity...just ask yourself, is it worth all the stress? The answer is in all likelihood is NO
Yep, ended a 10 year relationship because of this exact thing. Asked her to change for 4 years. I finally came to the understanding she wanted me to be better, but had no desire to improve herself.
At least you left but it took a long time. 🫡
Better 4 years than 20, or forever like most men!
This is double edge sword; on one hand being agreeable to fit the group and embrace consensus makes you lovable and likeable, but on the other being disagreeable opens doors (sometimes by confrontation and single-handedness) that otherwise would remain closed if not by daring to being unloved and controversial. There's a balance to be achieved but it requires the courage to draw a line on the sand, and let the chips fall where they may. Conflict has a role in nature as well.
I always get hurt by being too agreeable
This is what I think about most of the time. It is a difficult challenge to balance both
The way he drops one f-bomb per episode makes him totally relatable to me
Fuck yeah.
It makes him less persuasive to me. Curse words are unnecessary for those who have enough noncurse words.
@@jonathanisernhagen6515Not really. If used just in the right time, those words can amplify the meaning. I think none of us viewers has any doubts that Orion is a well behaved and well spoken, very composed man.
@@MatiKosa Absolutely yes. No one doubts that a Lamborghini is a fantastically-engineered, high-performance car. But if you throw a shovel of pig feces across the hood and windshield, it distracts from the aesthetics, which is why people tend not to photograph them that way. Profanity is the verbal equivalent of pig excrement. If Dr. Taraban could find a way to get rid of it, he'd sound much classier and no less effective.
God knows why. What it also does is limit the scope for sharing the episode among friends who have no enthusiasm for profanity.
My attempt to summarize:
- Understanding facilitates compassion. It does nothing to change dissatisfaction with a given relational arrangement/exchange of value.
- Seeking to be understood means you are offering a poorer/subpar value proposition.
- Rather than seeking to be understood, simplify yourself. This will increase your value proposition and improve your relationships naturally.
Personal commentary:
In the past I've sought to understand women/others and saw this as value offered. I did this because I wanted to be understood myself. Which I see now was a symptom of offering poor relational value. Tough but true.
It’s different if you’re offering value and want to make sure that person understands that you have more value than them. Then you’re just selling yourself better than them. Seeking to be understood when you offer NOTHING is the problem. Seeking to be understood when you offer VALUE is appropriating your own value effectively
The point is understanding and asking from support WHILE trying to work on yourself at the same time. One doesn’t exclude the other.
A very well presented rational explanation. Unfortunately, irrational people won't understand it because they don't want to.
Exactly! At least it's so enlightening so people can beware of them.
They can hear the explanation but they are emotional after all so they won’t pay attention anyway.
Making the effort to first change myself before demanding change of everyone around me was a game changer.
“…everyone that exalts himself shall be humbled, and he who humbles himself shall be exalted.”
- (St Luke, 18 : 14)
Jesus is a fraud
🔥
Hear hear
Man, I had some girlfriends like that. I heard that "You just don't understand!!" so many times... I usually replied with "I understand. I just don't/can't agree with it. And in my place you wouldn't either."
Nothing ever worked. Ever. These are people focused on creating problems and rejecting solutions. They fight you even when you agree with them. When you explain the mistake they're making, their face goes... error 404. After that, they may probably go psychopathic and start trying to demoralize/destroy you.
Today, after studying a lot, I know that is totally borderline and/or narcissistic. But at the time those happened, there was no internet with so many great videos about it. I wish there had been. Would have saved me a lot of energy and pain in life.
So today, when I bump into those "types", I know what to do. Just run.
Problem is: there are too many of those people. It's exhausting, sad, discouraging.
I really wish I could find a decent relationship opportunity. But gee...
They say NPD affects 1/6th of the population but it's bigger than that... I think we are all narcissistic until we have a moment that causes us to grow. Some people consciously choose not to grow or heal and stay in that fight/flight state for the dura tion of their life.
Keep saying no what is not right for you, it's the only way to open spaces for what is right. You don't need a lot of women to be right for you, you just need to be open for one of them when they come in your vicinity
This is the most worthwhile, valuable channel on UA-cam.
Wait till you find actually good Christian ones
Yes. I appreciate this message being shared
The Christian ones tend to be delusional and rely on platitudes as a replacement for measurable strategy.
Totally true if you want to die alone
Another golden nugget from Dr. Tarabin.
Brown. The nugget is brown.
This is my favorite video from Dr. T so far. So true that people try to force you change - if you would only “understand!” Furthermore, if you don’t “understand,” then they say YOU are the problem. It’s great!
Totally. You should never try to understand anyone. It all just about power.
The point is solving a problem from both sides: asking for understanding and support WHILE working on yourself at the same time. One doesn’t exclude the other… and when there’s no improvement in a long time parting ways in a friendly and understanding manner.
YESS. I realized this a few months ago. I realized no one was seeking to understand and had what they want. I was willing to understand and was unclear about what I want. Deciding understanding came AFTER they met my standard helped a lot.
“Business before pleasure.”
If my wife were to say to me that she didn't want to have sex anymore, my response would be cool, I don't want to provide and protect anymore. I hope you "understand." Either way, the problem would be solved.
That's delusional. Her next move would be to GRAPE you at the family court, where she holds power over you
@@mikesolns1364 I hate that you are so right.
@mikesolns1364 You're right but consider this: which is better, losing money and possessions or losing your manhood and essentially becoming a slave to your wife's emotions? Squash that! At least I would have SOME agency.
@@23DanielVincentthe only winning move is not to play.
@@mikesolns1364ultimately it's cheaper to a man's well-being in the long run than caving in on something as essential as sex is to a marriage.
He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
Benjamin Franklin
Politicians
@@paulcolin9071 in Franklin’s case, a very wise one.
Also, constantly having to be understood builds silent resentment from those having to accommodate on most occasions. Sometimes you find yourself surrounded by “haters” you created who were at one point people who loved you deeply.
Asking to be understood has always seemed to me to be just an excuse. Thank you for clarifying and confirming.
You put into words something that I have experienced in almost all of my relationships. My friendships, professional, and romantic relationships have seriously suffered because when I think that I am simply being a good person and hearing others out, giving them their argument, and really understanding where you’re coming from, they are hearing concessions concessions concessions.
2:16 this might sound very simple but yet it is so true.
In terms of long term relationships, “communication” can usually fix only small issues, improve some details etc.
If someone takes the spouse for granted, there is no amount of communication that can change that.
Hear, hear. For each and everyone who has been in a situation like you describe knows that every word you’ve said is wise and true. Thank you
Wow Doc, you hit the nail on the head👌. My ex wife used this excuse. Yes, she was a victim of rape when growing up. However, everyone had to change without her changing her behavior.
She should have thought about that before getting married. Moving forward, if I ever get married again, one of my questions will be has she suffered any type of sexual abuse in her past.
Fuck that, she should have thought about that before getting raped. God damn women think they just can wear anything and have men "understand' we're not supposed to rape them.
Everyone has to solve their own problems (first) 👍
that's your fault for not vetting that out prior to marriage. you either got married way too early, ignored the red flags, or didn't make your expectations crystal clear prior to signing that contract.
@@BossItUp911 Chicks switch up during marriage, especially once they get comfortable and think they got you on lock.
A line above your usual excellence.
Listened to it twice.
Dr. Orion you actually help me realize I need to meet with a professional psychologist. Thank you
Absolute gold. Hit another one out of the ballpark.
You have to love how in the comments section, nearly everyone is saying that it is the OTHER person in their relationship who is the difficult, complicated, and demanding person. No one is admitting that they are this person and that they need to work on this.🙄
That’s the irony of this video. Of course, they all fell for it anyways
It doesn't make any sense lol...
TRUE! A lot of men here saying how "victimized" they are. No willingness to do ANY SELF EXAMINATION. Women were put on Earth to SERVE them without any needs of our won. And if we have the adacity to have needs, WE are the problem.
You just stated the exact thing I was thinking. This just proves the narcissism in today's society. I'm a man, recently divorced. I sure as hell know that I have contributed to the divorce, regardless the amount/percentage. I know as a person I need to be a better version of myself tomorrow than I am today. To think otherwise is simply lying to yourself.
@@LisaFenton-h7f You literally just proved that YOU are the type of person this video is talking about.
In your example, the understanding is only going _one way,_ and that is towards the woman. That said, you make an excellent point about how understanding is not a silver bullet when the needs and desires of two people are diametrically opposed, and compromise feels like coercion.
Plenty of women are in the position of "understanding" without the man being wlling to make any changes about any issue. A few months ago I ended a relationship just like that. If a woman ISN"T "understanding" the men here call her a selfish bitch. It's hwo women waste YEARS of our lives.
i find that after listening to your podcast that most of the other ones are gargabe. What you exrpess is very good and worth the time. I thank you for this. Some of the advice you expressed actually saved my life and I thank you in fact God bless you for it .
BRB, gonna send this episode to my past self
You speak in a clear and logical manner!!! It is soooooo unusual in our days!
Hello Orion: Thank you very much for this. I have noticed that often when people ask for understanding, it is often a manipulative technique. Keep up the good work.
This may be your most brilliant and insightful segment. It held up a lot of mirrors for me re: a very difficult ( gaslighting, immature, in denial, controlling, critical, disrespectful) woman - who I just ended a two year relationship with. She's dismissive avoidant, and, in looking back - the amount of "understanding" she was requesting of me - was INSANE.
Glad to be out - and now working on "understanding" myself better - and how to recognize red flags.
Excellent video! Changed my view on relationships, thanks!
Just want to say thank you for saving my marriage. Ur the best
This video certainly was one of the best you've uploaded!!! Thanks man!!!
You can't compromise with women for two reasons.
1) They interpret concern of any kind for them as weakness.
2) Every single term of any agreement they make with you has the following invisible clause (that only applies to them):
"[...] if I feel like it."
I once made a deathly serious agreement with my own mother, on the understanding that she would never ask me to do a specific favor unless it was an actual emergency. Y'know what the first "emergency" she tried to spring on me was? Wanting to see a play with her girlfriends. Yeah. Seriously.
Excellent point!
I am seeing more and more they weren’t created to lead! I fear for the future as more of them are let into politics. This won’t end well.
... this spoke to me deeply. The conversation I have with my mother are always it's own play of an emotional roller-coaster.
*sigh*
@@flemutter7211true, but I find that many men believe that leading equates to a woman being and staying silent and giving no input.
a captain of a ship gets input, communicates and takes every crew members life into consideration. the captain then makes a decision with the data collected and leads.
@@Divinia93
Cha-me-cha-me-cha-me-cha-me-cha-me-cha-me-cha-me-le-onnn~
@@Divinia93 they believe leading is about exerting power over someone weaker however they wish. They perceive the world from being the weaker sex. Ancient men were wise and put strong restrictions on them. We are going to learn a lesson.
I loved this and totally agreed, thanks.
Thanks!
i was that person, always trying my best to be understanding. Only in hindsight can I see how so many times i got taken advantage of.
“Meanwhile, the poor Babel fish, by effectively removing all barriers to communication between different races and cultures, has caused more and bloodier wars than anything else in the history of creation.” -The Hitchhiker’s Guide
Awesome another great video Orion, thank you!
Masterful, yet simple. Yet, I foresee ppl will still act like they don't understand. It's sad, really...
I think you can ask the person to understand your limitations if you really bring value to a relationship (romance, friendship, etc.).then I suppose it's fair that the other person will tolerate some things about you while you also concede at some of their limitations or demands. But you can't ask for endless understanding while bringing nothing in return.
Thanks
This message benefited me. I always try to make my partner understand. Usually the things I should try to work on, my challenges and goals.
Important message for an easier life. Too many people demand their behaviour to be accepted and understood while they have no understanding as to why their behaviour is so difficult and the impact it has on others.
And also are not willing to reciprocate but expect others to offer up endless understanding.
Thanks!
Wow, wish I heard this many years ago. An arrogant, demanding sense of taking yourself very seriously is oh so costly. Great thought. Thank you!
One of your best yet sir! Thankful and grateful for the insight. Keep doing what you are doing. You are making an impact.
I wish I had this knowledge years ago...thank you Orion!
Thanks! The reason behind a large number of divorces.
Such a great video. This channel just keeps getting better and better. Thank you sir!
This deserves a name. I propose "Epistemic Politics."
Understanding why someone is hungry doesn't fill their bellies with food
I can't believe even this needs to be taught to people. Today's people are so Self-centred, narcissistic and entitled that they are so ignorant to other's shortcomings and difficulties. The people that want other people to understand them are ironically the people that need to understand others.
This is indeed a great video Doc, keep these content coming.
I understand just fine . I have empathy. But that doesn’t change the situation. Understanding also doesn’t mean condoning
So well described! I've had these same kinds of thoughts when I notice that people will often ask you to do what they themselves are not willing to do.
Whatever your history, it's your responsibility to ameliorate it's effect on you and others.
Wow. Great insight and so true
Again, thanks D.O.T for boiling this down to the root. I know something was off or felt like a scam when people would do this like, "See! You get me!" Then I'd feel compelled to 'get (understand)' them. Keep the good info coming!
I always felt "understand me" was basically a way to try and sound mature & rational, but not deliver on anything. So yes, now I know why you don't care about my male requirement. It's because you prioritize your feelings & comfort more than my basic root needs. Now when I hear that out of a person, I instantly move on to someone who actually wants to be a partner and contribute to the relationship.
Wow; I was not expecting that. As this video went on, it hit me how difficult of a person I am. I needed to hear that. Also, that Stellar GRE sounds quite appealing especially since I plan on going back to school. And, I can't believe you got a perfect score. Congratulations.
Also, don't confuse being less complicated with being less intelligent. Oftentimes people think that in order to be a simpler person in certain ways is to be dumber, which is not the case at all.
Dope. 👍🏾
Thank you, Dr. Taraban.
Well, this is universal truth and to be applied by both partners.
Understanding is one thing. Doing is another.
You are that one older brother that every man needs
You literally took the words out of my mouth. This is what i have been trying telling people but refuse to understand, may be its because I dont have a psychology degree.
One of the best episodes ever...in the history of yt
I believe understanding is just the first step. I have never said I would not work on what I need to work on. As you said (in so many words), understanding is a call for patience during the process of change and adapting. I want my husband to understand why I can be flaky and emotionally dysregulated at times (ADHD) to help him have patience and compassion while I work on fixing my crap lol
I’ve seen this with difficult friends
Former Friend: “I’m struggling with complex trauma and anxiety issues which is why I’m really bad at communicating.“
I see, that’s understandable. Are you going to do something about it? (I’m paraphrasing, not as blunt in practice)
Former friend: “…”
I’ve learned to recognise this person immediately and not waste my time.
This is definitely an interesting occurrence and one that I also spot easier and easier as I become older. Whether at work or in personal life, I simply have more and more, I guess you could say, acquaintances than friends and a lot of it has to do with this exact thing. People simply expect you to put up or deal with their whatever thing. To have endless understanding and sympathy for whatever it is that is apparently causing them grief or discomfort or whatever else. I'm willing to understand and sympathize to a point. After that, I'm moving on to something/someone else. The only people in my life who have my endless understanding and sympathy are ones that have very clearly displayed to me that they have the same for me which is basically my immediate family and maybe like a couple of very good friends. Even when I was married, I could not get that from any of my in-laws despite trying many times to extend the olive branch sort of speak. Oh well.
What a great video! Your work gets better and better
Here from SWU.. knowledge is power never stop learning.
Explaining the diction and 2nd, 3rd and 4th order consequences of this dynamic is mind blowing. Good framing.
I saw basically the same concept a lot at my job:
A lot of the drama came from people who didn't feel that their efforts were seen by others. Upon further investigation, and through simple observation, these same people were completely oblivious to the efforts of the same people they wanted to be seen by.
Everyone wants to be seen, but noone makes the connection that that means everyone else wants to be seen.
Switch 'seen' for 'understood' and you have this video.
I have succeeded in negotiating with a friend who asked NOT for understanding but just TOLD ME his problem/needs.
(please understand = not fair!!)
After that I TOLD him what I wanted... We both could agree.
Now we can go on nice vacations together!
Spot on. I am tired of giving more. !!! I have a very expensive relationship. I have to face it. My needs will never again get met in this relationship. I have to become smiley john when I'm really dying at times. Horrible to have a normal body and attitudes when it's not appreciated not reciprocated . That's a hard drive to stop.
Brilliant explanation.
Men are so simple. Be loyal, supportive, great sex and silence. It can be written on back of a stamp.
Women's criterion for men, we'll you can fill up 2 novels and it's still not over.
It doesn't have to be great by any means. Just semi-regular and halfway interested.
💯
Sex, a sandwich, and a smile.
Simple.
I agree but woman want the same from a man.. Women marry the a man they not really turned on by..
I'd even say that the sandwich and smile are optional .
mine would be don't complain, lay on your back for 10 mins once a week. thats pretty much the only thing I can't get from anyone else @@jonmueller2117
4:20 Nailed it - “it’s actually pretty selfish”. - welcome to the domain of the modern wife
Ah the old "love doesn't pay the bills" lesson. Cracked that in elementary school.
🤫
awesome video, I like how you compare relationship dynamics to Employee-Employer. Also I like how you make a firm statement for getting along in relationships. Being easy to get along with is something we all can work on. And expecting that from a relationship partner should be a baseline expectation.
One of the best lessons!😮
Great message, Orion🔥👊🏻🙏
i really like this guy.
Another Orion banger.
Thank you for your insights . A lot of your videos absolutely fit with my experiences in the past and I did not realize what was happening in my relationships.
Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us.
I enjoy your content immensely. However, I should say that I equally enjoy the background decor. Love the mid-century style furniture and the warm modern simplicity.
Thanks very specifically for this episode, Doc. I listen to a lot of your content and I’m looking forward to reading your book. You have been a helping hand to me.
You are a genius. Fantastic content, as usual.
Excellent perspective