Looking at the Other Side of Grief | May Jones | TEDxGreatHillsWomen
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- Опубліковано 28 сер 2016
- Join May as she talks of a lurking monster: grief. Follow her story of how she dealt with the monster, ultimately leading her to find her satisfaction and solace through gardening and farming. She found peace in discovering her true roots, and found a new uplifting hope and life for herself. Through her story, we can see how deep grief can be transformed into strong passion and purpose, giving us freedom we can celebrate.
A retired high school English teacher, May grew up on the farm on which she now grows organic vegetables and has horses, dogs,cats and free-range hens. She received her AB from the College of Charleston, her MAT from The Citadel and taught in Europe as well as South Carolina and Kentucky. An active environmentalist, her goal is to practice sustainable agriculture techniques and to encourage others to do the same. She lives on Sullivan’s Island, SC with Josie, her Boykin Spaniel, and Bart, the cat.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx
I feel attacked by grief almost the entire day. I lost my husband three months ago. His heart stopped beating suddenly while we were watching tv, no warnings, no goodbyes. As this sweet lady says I can no longer appreciate beauty. I just don't know who I am any more. He was my life, we met when I was 16 and shared life since then. We had three children that are caring adults now, just like she says. Sometimes it feels like I'm losing my mind. The pain, the anger, the fear are so deep I don't know what to do. I hope that in time, I can discover that passion to enjoy life again.
Sorry for the world's loss . May you take up the strength the universe gives you and carry that forward .we are truly blessed by the time we get with our loved ones and it's never enough.❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I'm so sorry I know how it feels to be lonely without the person you loved, we've all lost our love ones in death one way or the other, either a spouse, child, family members, or a true friend that meant the world to us, such is life I understand how you feel but life goes on because death is inevitable and we'll all have to face it someday, I lost my wife 3yrs ago to a cardiovascular disease, I felt deeply devastated with grief, but that's the past now, time is indeed the best healer.
I'd love to talk to you more if you don't mind! it'd be nice if you just say hi, here is my number +17866326441, or rather you can send me your gmail address so I could reach out on you.
How are you doing a year later?
@@TM-oe2on So many things have happened during this year, like I went back to work, my youngest son moved to a town nearby to start his career as an engineer.. I've gone through different situations that I had to solve, so I can say that somehow I feel stronger now, but the pain is the same, that hasn't changed at all. Thank you so much for asking.
@@ceciliamirandahumeres6017 Glad to hear you are making small steps forward. Have you considered seeking the support of a grief counselor? They can help you to process the pain in a healthy, supportive way, so that the pain doesn't remain at the same intensity as it was when your husband's death happened. We don't want to ever forget our loved ones, but how would your husband suggest you live your life without him, going forward? Sending positive, healing thoughts your way!
Grief isn't a monster... it comes from love. Part of us wants to grieve to remember the love we still have for those we lost.
But its also painful and attacks like a monster
I know the pain. I lost my husband suddenly 10 mos ago. I think of him every minute. I miss him. I can't look at his photo. It's still surreal. I pray for everyone on this thread.❤
My father passed away from cancer on February 10,2019 age 57.
I love this talk. Very beautifully spoken.
Sorry for your loss Mary xox
It is a monster for sure. 2 weeks ago l lost my dog of 12 years. We were together 24/7 as i am disabled. There's a hole in my aching heart. Have not stopped crying for 2 weeks. The pain is intense and all i can do is let it be. Good luck and love to all of youo ut there who are grieving a severe loss. It may be difficult but seeking support from the "right" folks who understand is always a good idea. Let them love you and you receive it. Pass it on.
I feel your pain. I just lost my dog/my sidekick of 12.5 years two and half weeks ago. It’s almost worse than losing a human when you live alone with a dog because you’re with them more than anyone else. I’m so sorry for your loss😢 Have you been able to get another dog?
there is nothing hurts like a broken hart
Loved this! I lost my Paul on March 18th. This is truly a monster- grief! Thank you. I am much older and can not walk well- you put all of the feelings and hurt perfectly.
She's fortunate to have had so much support, love, family and friendhips. Try suffering and healing grief without that.
I can sure relate to this! Lost my husband in April.
I'm so sorry I know how it feels to be lonely without the person you loved, we've all lost our love ones in death one way or the other, either a spouse, child, family members, or a true friend that meant the world to us, such is life I understand how you feel but life goes on because death is inevitable and we'll all have to face it someday, I lost my wife 3yrs ago to a cardiovascular disease, I felt deeply devastated with grief, but that's the past now, time is indeed the best healer.
I'd love to talk to you more if you don't mind! it'd be nice if you just say hi, here is my number +17866326441, or rather you can send me your gmail address so I could reach out on you.
My father passed away 6 weeks before my parents 60th anniversary
Now my mom sits and watches TV all day missing my dad everyday
I watch her age each day because she misses my dad every day
Thankfully I only live a mile away and visit her every day to help her as my sister does also
She’s 87 but I can see her aging rapidly each day
Yes grief is a monster lurking in every room
As far as prostate cancer goes I to have prostate cancer in the bones and was diagnosed at the age of 63
I’m in my 21st month of treatment and doing well so far because the treatment for prostate cancer has come a long way since her husband was diagnosed with this dread disease
My heart ❤️ goes out to her
I can relate i lost my sweetheart suddenly to cardiac arrest in November 2019..we were talking and he was just gone.,20 years of forever love💔💔
I love her use of language, poetic. She might consider writing.
Today, when I was cleaning. I came across an empty bottle of of pain relief oil left by a Hospice aid that had slipped under my bed. I fell apart again.
I am truly sorry for your pain.
My husband died from Agent Orange, too. He had Multiple Myeloma for eight years. We were married for 20 years. It has been almost four years since he left this earth. I still feel devastated. My dog had very bad reaction to some anesthesia this past week, and I could not take her home with me. I immediately lost all of my faith in an afterlife when this happened. She is okay now, but I wonder how I would have been if she didn't fully recoverer. My therapist tells me that I am getting on with life because I have had a hip and shoulder replacement. She says that I am funny, strong and am moving forward. I want to scream at her, "I am at the top of a slippery slope. I can easily fall down the suicide side". I stay here because I have a daughter, who is 36 years old, and has had diabetes, since she was 2. She is married, so her husband and I are the only family we have. I lived in SC for about 7 years. It is a beautiful state. I love animals and would love to have a tiny farm, with chickens, dogs, cats and all that goes with it. Working outside has always been my escape. Round Up is Agent Orange, so obviously our government still allows it and is able to sleep at night. I wonder who is being paid off. I tell people that our government, during the Vietnam War, murdered my husband. They did not test Agent Orange. They did not care one bit. All the people it was dumped on is unimaginable. I think about going to a 55+ community in Ponte Verde, Florida sometimes. I do not have any family who understands what it is like to lose the one man you love. They don't want to understand or even imagine it. I love the beach and it feeds my soul....literally. Ponte Verde, FL has a beach six miles away from where I would live. My daughter is in TX, and I have lived there, too. It is flat, dusty with very little beauty. I feel like a duck out of water. I know the monster you speak about. He follows me everywhere. The doctor was not going to operate on my second hip because he said that I am too emotional. I told him that that is my genetic makeup. Your idea of a farm and gardening sounds wonderful to me. However, I am not a loner and I do not have many friends anymore. They have all died. I lost my friend, Susan, last Thursday to ALS. She was a widow, too. We understood each other without even speaking about our husbands' death, although we did. I miss her terribly. Her last words to me were "Tell Claudia that I beat her". She was being funny because we wondered who would see our husbands first. I am not sure what I believe anymore or what is true. I will just have to live with that. I wish I knew someone like you that I could talk to. I had another friend, who was 30 years older than I. She lost her husband, too. She is no longer here either. How I wish I could speak with her. She was so insightful about family and love. I am going to be 65, but I tend to get along better with women who are not my age. Go figure. Thank you for your talk. It reached a part of me that very few people understand.
Claudia - you story breaks my heart. My husband of 31 years passed away just four weeks ago. He was also a veteran, but he died of pulmonary fibrosis. He was diagnosed 30 years ago, and had to live with the fear of this eventually terminal lung disease. He feared not being able to breathe and being tethered to an oxygen tank.
When my husband finally applied for veteran's disability in 2016, they immediately took responsibility, saying that it was more than 50% likely to have been caused by work he did in the navy. They would put them up in the air ducts and have them sweep the dust and insulation (possibly asbestos) with no masks! So it is very possible that the navy killed my husband too.
I'm still in the disbelief phase, numb and not able to really fathom that he is gone from our lives forever. We did not have a perfectly smooth relationship, but we were as bonded as two people could be. I have not been without him since I was 23 years old. When I think about it even a little, the pain is so searing that I pull back and try to protect myself from it.
About a week or so after he passed, I remembered a line from a t.v. movie that I had seen decades ago. It was based on a true story about a couple who let their son die because their pastor didn't believe in doctors. Then they were put on trial for negligent homicide. Afterward, the wife told her husband, "I've lost God...that comfortable presence." That is how I feel, I've lost my husband's "comfortable presence". He was our protector.
I also responded to May's Ted Talk about the grief monster. I hope you will be able to find a way to live somewhere that is beautiful and spiritually enriching, and still be close to your daughter and son-in-law. Is there any chance for all of you to move to a greener place? I hope that you are in a better place than when you wrote your comment months ago. I hope that you, like May, will find that thing that you are meant to do now. A thing that gives you purpose and happiness (as much as you can have without your husband). It is a cliche, but your husband would want that for you.
remcat i was in denial shortly after.. my dad died last april it was one morning, and by night, everyone was in the lounge with the TV on. i told myself my dad was waiting and would be there when i went in and the whole thing would turn out to be a test to see how much i loved him, for we had many times we did not get along. i would burst into tears and hug him and apologize and promise to do better from then on.. of course, that did not happen. also, in days that followed, i would find myself watching tv and turning to the other sofa - where my dad used to sit and i would speak out loud then realize after that he wasnt there
id like to add that your relationship sounds like the one my parents had as they very much loved each other but it was still one of a lot of arguing among themselves
Matthew - thank you so much for your reply. It is so weird how there can be a death in the family - a monumental, earth shaking event - and people are watching t.v. later that very same day. And yet things only seem to go back to normal, because in fact nothing is ever going to be the same. The finality of death is so staggering that it is almost incomprehensible.
The fact that you would burst into tears, hug your dad and promise to do better told your dad how much you loved him. I have no doubt that he knew how much you loved him. I wish I had done that with my husband many more times than I ever did. I would stubbornly maintain that I was right. Now, I would give anything just to see and talk to him. And burst into tears, hug him and promise to do better...
Yes, we butted heads - that was the way of our relationship, but we loved each other very much. I hope you and your family are emerging on the other side of this first year without your dad in a place of peace and happy memories.
Claudia Brown i moved I. To help my mom and my father is in memory care. My dad had a huge garden for years and Mom a flower garden as well. My oldest son just passed a couple of weeks ago but had just begun a garden across the country with his girlfriend and was discovering the joy of earth, planting and growth, that his grandfather-my dad-showed my kids while they grew up. Now I see the good dirt and space covered in overgrowth and weeds and want to carry on their hopes and legacy but can’t possibly do the prep work alone on the space. I’m not broken down just not in shape-can do little bits at s time but overwhelming to look at how much. I wish I had the $ just to pay several strong men to come and weed and till and I could do the rest.... my prayer is a miracle will happen here in Ga, and somehow that space can be cleared and I could plant and sow and release the MONSTER that’s is on me now.... thank you for the wonderful story!
My husband died also from Agent Orange. Been 10 months and l am just devastated. l feel numb, nobody gets it. l wonder what it's all about. My brother passed 3 months before my husband and one of my husbands oldest and best friends suicided on my husbands birthday 2 months ago. l feels so alone it's a horrible place to sit right now. Nothing inspires me. l don't even know if these talks help l just start crying all over again
A wonderful talk ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Lost my significant other to liver cancer 2 months ago. Thanks for giving me hope.
This is so accurate and exactly how I feel when I'm around Animals and Nature.
….I lost my wonderful husband…not long ago….she is right in so many ways…..
My mother passed away on March 27 2019 this year... 3 days before her birthday...
On my birthday
Thank you
I lost my dad to Prostate cancer on May 8th 2019. Grief is normal. it's inevitable.
So sorry for your loss😞 My dad has cancer as well, no cure.
@@corinatralala2556Thank you. I hope they can treat it for a long long time and eventually find the cure. I know how you feel. My heart goes out to you.
U R so great lady listing and carying so much u spoken v well hi ladies listen to her Thanks for true story
Very powerful message , it was just what I needed
Searching for any way of acceptance,.. no comfort, just guilt, regret and depression. Way, way too much for me to handle.
Unable to move on, .. lost interest in life.
Beautiful, creative, hopeful.
“Grieve thou not over the troubles and hardships of this nether world, nor be thou glad in times of ease and comfort, for both shall pass away. This present life is even as a swelling wave, or a mirage, or drifting shadows. Could ever a distorted image on the desert serve as refreshing waters? No, by the Lord of Lords! Never can reality and the mere semblance of reality be one, and wide is the difference between fancy and fact, between truth and the phantom thereof.
Know thou that the Kingdom is the real world, and this nether place is only its shadow stretching out. A shadow hath no life of its own; its existence is only a fantasy, and nothing more; it is but images reflected in water, and seeming as pictures to the eye.” - Abdu’l-Baha
Tears. Dr Santimoy Dasgupta (June 16, 1939-March 28, 2018). My sage, my dad, doctor, journalist, communist.
Grief -- the price of existing.
🦋