I'm a Gay Man in a Straight Marriage. Help. //
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- Опубліковано 22 сер 2024
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As a straight woman and former spouse of a gay man, I have been so scared by the whole experience. So many years of my life in intimacy deprivation. He was physically, mentally, spirituality, and emotionally shut off and starved me and our marriage in the process. The gaslighting was such a mind f#ck. I so wish he’d just been able to be honest with himself, me, and everyone else BEFORE we got married or much sooner. I am childless not by choice at 50 because of the situation while he is now happily off living his life. I’m glad for him, but the cost to me has been so heavy and destructive. It wrecks everyone involved. To live the lie. Be brave and honest and choose authenticity.
My husband told me he was asexual after he married me. He justed wanted a new mum who could have babies with him. So glad I left.
To ALL closeted people in marriage SHAME ON YOU if u don't tell your spouse. The neverending pain it causes is unforgivable. Stealing YEARS from another persons life pretending to be someone your not.
@zsuzsibumgarner2522 what a wretched post. I am amazed at people like you who put negativity into the world. You think gay people don't feel enough shame and your response is to add to it! Shame on you.
Since being openly gay was not so available years ago..even now in places..people didn't know they were gay. So they married. Had children even.
Granted, I am an affirming Christian, but as a wife with kids who has been with my husband for over a decade, my love for him means accepting and supporting who he is. If we lived an entire lifetime together and I found out at the end, my heart wouldn’t break for me..it would break for him knowing the vast internal suffering he would have endured solely to ‘protect’ our family or reputation. Although it would be painful, I’d rather him be able to LIVE. Fully. I am praying for whoever you are! 💛
It's really about the people who got married thinking their partners were attracted to them. They had children, the spent decades thinking they would retire with that person. No matter what someone tells you - you tell a perspective partner the truth. It's the lies that ruin lives.
Came out to my spouse of 5 years as a lesbian. He came out as bi later that year. We opened up our marriage and it is going a lot better . We talked extensively about our feelings and where we wanted to go with this.
I'm planning on coming out soon, and of course I'm scared how my family is going to react, but this vid has reaffirmed that it's the right move for me. Thank you so much for posting this!
So did you? How did it go?
He has to tell his wife the truth, she is living with him a BIG LIE, he has been unfair with her and tricking her for 15 years, the least he should do is to be HONEST with her and admits that he was unfair by marrying her and ask for her forgiveness.. and for God forgiveness.
My ex-husband did the same thing but then turned to alcohol because he hated himself. Its destroyed us either way. I just wish he'd given me the option to accept him as he is and still maybe be a life partner...or the option to truly have someone love me. I wasted 15 years on someone who was never going to really love me and now ill probably die alone. Just wish he could have been honest with me.
@@Catjhonnyboy I’m going through the same thing accept I’m not married to him. I’m about to just tell his pastor the truth because it’s not fair to me and I’m not gonna marry someone who is looking at men. I caught him looking at the assistant pastor and my heart just broke. I’m not stupid. He also ignores me a lot. He once ignored me for 6 hrs because I called him out on who he really is. I also feel as if the only real reason he likes me is because I have short hair. Idk! My mind just runs with these wild ideas about who he might be with. I wish the church was more accepting. I’m thinking about just going to the church that’s accepting of everyone at least no ones hiding there. 🤷♀️🙄😒
He has to do what's right for him. There are no universal answers to life that can just be applied to every single person.
I am there and I felt like a horse in a barn stall; I could look out and see what is possible but the bottom part of the door is keeping me halfway in the closet. I am on the process of kicking that door down and running free.
I don’t think you should enter into any relationship without complete transparency, regarding serious matters of this nature. Get clear on yourself before becoming involved, especially marriage. At least let your significant other know that your struggling and why. If they chose to proceed, then at least they were aware and able to chose for themselves. Others have their rights to life as well and should know up front before giving their heart to someone who may not be able to meet those expectations or feelings in the way that it should be. The moment you know , you should be honest. Others have rights to. No one likes to be lied to, deceived , or have life altering information withheld from them that directly affects them or their children. You should take responsibility the minute you know that you have a problem. Be honest. Don’t hurt others that way. They may support you or end the relationship, but they need to know. It affects their life. Others can’t fix you. Only you can make that choice. It’s your responsibility to not allow yourself to bring harm to others. That means physically, emotionally and mentally. Dishonesty can really hurt and traumatize people. It may hurt, but people can appreciate honesty. You show respect to yourself and others by being upfront with them when it comes to involving the lives of others in committed relationships. If you honestly never knew and it transpired over time, after a commitment, then you should be upfront the minute you know that it’s becoming a problem. Your partner deserves the right to know. This is never something to keep hidden from someone who has given you part of their very life. It will always come out anyway , in one way or another. It’s better to just confess it truthfully, than to torment one another with the breakdown of your relationship by trying to conceal it. It’s gonna become obvious that’s there is a problem , one way or the other.
That's not the point. The point is religion tells you that you are not worthy of being LGBT and you push those feelings deep down thinking they are gone. But they will never go away and that's why we have LGBT people marry into straight marraiges because of religious communities telling you that you are not allowed to be gay. This is not rocket science. It's obvious that people end up in marriages. If religious people had no hang ups then there wouldn't be this kind of thing happening.
That's exactly right. The non gay partner had no informed consent. It's wrong. No matter what religion tells you - You tell a perspective partner the truth.
I have been in a straight marriage for 36 years and am considering coming out as bi. I know that my wife is not happy and I am going a little crazy. I have done some therapy and I really enjoyed your video. You have a great attitude and really seem to grasp how a queer Christian feels. There is a lot of shame and fear. Thanks for your support.
I cried watching this bc I am an ex penticostal/pastor. And I have 4 children and I’m married although I am an atheist now. I started a family based on the beliefs and societal and family pressures. And now I don’t know what to do. I’m 22 with 4 kids and poor as hell and I just want to be who I am. I’m gay in a straight marriage but I can’t leave her she needs me. It kills me.
I LOVED this video, it was for me ❤️
I’m going through this currently. I’ve been married to my husband for 7 years, we have an almost 3 year old, and about a year ago, I came out. I’m so grateful that I had already started seeing a really amazing and affirming therapist who has guided me through TONS of trauma work.
There are so many things I could say. But as I listen to Kevin share his and this man’s story, it makes me think about my job as a parent. I want more than anything for my son to be able to own who he is, own his whole story and to know that he is seen and deeply loved, always. So even though I worry every day about the pain divorce would cause my baby, I’m bolsters up by the truth that every step I take towards myself, I take towards my son.
I am married and have been told many things that give it away to me about my husband being gay or bisexual in addition to things during sex that also told me the truth. My husband is always angry and screams and yells and I am wondering if he does this because he is miserable because deep down he really wants a man but doesn’t want to come out. Can you tell me if that’s probably what’s going on? I’ve also come to the realization that I think he likes the companionship with a woman and sex with a man. We never have sex anymore and I’ve even tried and he’s rejected me 2 times now which makes me feel horrible and wonder why and what’s wrong with me. If you can please let me know if all of his anger is probably related to his confused soul. Thanks
First, could someone please tell me where we decided to use the word gay? I worked as a therapist in a men's prison and one young man said to me: 'I started thinking I was gay because I love to cook.' I met another inmate who was transitioning to male and one day he broke down in my office telling me that 'I am sorry I did all this this is not the way I want to live.' Another inmate told me, 'I don't know, you know there are bottoms and tops, right?' So, I responded which one are you?', he said: 'I'm a top, no, that shit hurts.' My youngest sister lived the gay lifestyle for over 30 years, she never seemed to be happy although she was still loved. Before she died, she told me that she thought she was a=sexual more than anything else. When my sister first began attending high school, a Catholic school teacher saw her vulnerabilities, saw her unsure about her life in general and initiated her into physical activity while including her husband in the whole situation.
Further, I have concerns about a physical act which brings about physical illness and even death. It is an act which includes penetrating an area of the body which is meant to expel refuse. I don't claim to have the answers to any of this, except that do we think GOD would create such a situation by which a physical act eventuates in disease and death? For me, even for my sister whom I still love deeply, I still had to tell her what the Bible says. I never disowned her or treated her less than. We were great friends. I told her 'I love you, but I can't take those pages of the Bible which says what I say about this life! The Bible says His 'Word cannot return void." I will not challenge what the Bible says, even though I am often convicted by its contents. GOD loves me and yet I have committed terrible sins. And I want to do what He wants me to do. No disrespect meant, but I think it's beyond your skills to explain all this.
Absolutely loved this. Came out as Bi to my Wife of 32 years 2 months ago and was questioning everything, but you have affirmed my decision. Thank you.
That’s awesome! Better to just come out instead of hiding. I’ve been struggling with someone who I think is hiding who he is even though he says he is straight. I feel like if he was really into me he wouldn’t ignore me hours on end making me feel as though he doesn’t even care. I’d rather him just come out already it’s literally getting old. I refuse to marry this person at this point.. 🤷♀️ he won’t come out to his pastors…I caught him looking at the assistant pastor and now my mind is just running. I’m gonna have to once again have this talk with him. 🤷♀️
Why so much talk about love? At the end it's only brain chemicals and biological predispositions. If you don't want to lose your wife, be honest to her, tell her what you feel/how you feel, check out if you feel for her too... maybe it's not sexual attraction (which is, as I mentioned, biological predisposition), maybe it's a feeling of being close to her, a strong friendship, a feeling of care, THAT now IS love. Love is not how we feel or what our biological predisposition is, love is a decision you make.
same problem.but im single..
Coming out can hurt and destroy a lot of people but it needs to be done. If they truly love you, they will set you free and back you all the way....if not, they were never meant to be. How you communicate is key.......
Gentle hugs. I absolutely recommend getting an affirming therapist NOW if you're closeted and not sure what to do, because you're going to be holding a lot of extra stress. You don't even need to see them specifically about being LGBTQ+ to start off with, just make sure that they're affirming, so that if and when you want to talk about things, you already have a working therapeutic relationship with them.
I saw my therapist for a good year before I even mentioned not being straight, and talked about being with my girlfriend and closeted to my fundamentalist extended (close) family for three years before I finally told them. She was a fantastic sounding board, always gentle in her advice until I felt I was ready. The role of a good therapist is not to make decisions for you, but to help you weigh things in your life, put them in perspective, and give you the tools to decide what to do and when.
I don’t know what to think about any of this. The church tells people to not be gay. Because of what I went through as a child I thought maybe I was bi. It would be nice to just be with a man who’s emotionally supportive and who cares about my interests for once. My plan wasn’t on dating someone who I think is still into men. I get so sick and tired of someone who says they love me and who says they are 100 percent into me but then ignores me. I always have to reach out and it gets old. I don’t know what to do at this point but I am a Christian and I accept everyone but I refuse to be with someone who is gay.
I get so sick of the church saying “be single for life” if you have problems with same sex attraction because I feel like it keeps in the closet men and woman to hide and also causes divorces. Im sick and tired of people saying that “so and so is confused” Yes I’m very very confused with some peoples identities I can’t stand when people hide behind lies.
Great video man! I’m gay I have cerebral palsy I use a walker and wheelchair I’m 31 I go to church too!
As a gay man 30 years into a straight marriage I'd say there are multiple paths forward, but getting a support system around you is a must do. The options aren't just do I stay or do I go. Great video with a lot of solid information.
sorry buddy but can I ask a question?
you don't have to answer it
are you happy and monogrous with her?
Can you tell how you managed this
I've been married for 12 years now and it's been a few months since I realized I am gay. You know, all those signs were there my entire life, but growing up in a christian family not only made me think I should be straight, but - it's worse - made me ignore that feeling my entire life, I didn't know what were those signs, I didn't even know being gay was a thing. Not even when I was in college, living by myself elsewhere, I got the balls to try being who I was supposed to be, because I just couldn't understand what the hell was that... I just kept on dating girl after girl.
When I finally realized I was attracted to men I had already been married for 7 years, I was 32 years old at that time, and as that kind of attraction didn't seem to be very strong I just thought I could be confused or something... Anyway, by then it was easy to shut down those feelings. But now I am 37 years old, I've been with my wife since 2006 (when we started dating - 16 years in total), and from last year my body seems to be screaming everything is wrong. I cannot effortless make love to my wife anymore.
You know what is worse? I love her so much. I just cannot imagine myself living without her. She is my soulmate, my best friend, call it whatever you want. I just love her! But I cannot desire her anymore as I did once, and that is killing me, and I don't know for how long I can keep this going. It's gonna kill her when I tell what the hell is going on.
I am so desperate! Of course she will feel betrayed, she will think our entire relantionship was a lie, and it was not. I truly loved her and it was not until very recently I understood what the f*ck was going on with me.
You will be surprised that when you become truthful people will respect your courage. Your wife probably suspects and I believe she will continue to love you. You may enter into a new relationship with her from being honest.
@@kevinlee2504 Thank you for your kind words, Kevin.
you love your wife and she loves you too
Be honest with her and tell her your feelings were not lie
If you are reading this, please tell me how you had sex with your wife. I will probably end up marrying a woman since I live in such a country. It threatens my life. Even the thought of a woman makes my dick go flaccid. How will I satisfy my future wife?
Thanks great podcast
Most likely the man who wrote the letter, wasn't completely Gay, but Bisexual. To have a good opposite sex relationship and with 4 children, would be almost impossible for someone completely Gay, not Bisexual. I'm Gay and met someone at a Gay hiking club who was married to a woman for 23 years and had 3 children with her. He said he was completely Gay and not Bisexual at all. I then asked him what his secret was. He said that for all those years, when he made love to his wife, he closed his eyes and pretended he was with another guy. OMG! He did that for 23 years; I couldn't do that for 23 seconds! The poor wife and (possibly) the kids too. He said he couldn't take it any more and they got a divorce.
Jesus can help. He changed my affections when i asked for his will for my life. I asked him to put me with a man, a woman, or alone. Ask him to help you to love your wife. He hates divorce.
I mean, it is literally miserable to live as straight when you're actually gay. I still living in darkness telling myself I'm straight when I'm not.
Take up your cross and follow me OR my yoke is light. 🥴
Am maried for 27 years but am getting divorce now am doubting he is gay but I ask him he say no I think this this so selfish n he is narsisiste
Good talk actually. Even though I managed to avoid all that, but I might have not either.
When you said "I could loose everything, but I would be telling the truth". Those words hit deep, so true. People should never deny who they truly are. Thanks for this video Kevin and all you do ❤
You stole from your wife
Great talk, Kevin. You just saved lives. ❤️ My suggestion to your correspondent is for him to look into the relationships between David and Johnathan, the Centurion from Capernaum and his slave boy, and Jesus Himself and the Beloved Disciple. That they're in the Bible is actually a celebration of gay love and even if the traditional* interpretation of the clobber verses is correct, it shows that the Bible is not an all-encompassing condemnation of gay sex and gay love and attraction. I also recommend Rev. Samuel Kader's book: Openly Gay, Openly Christian, How the Bible Really Is Gay-Friendly. Also highly recommended are John Boswell's Christianity, Tolerance, and Homosexuality; and Same-Sex Unions in Pre-Modern Europe.
*The interpretation that held before Christianity discovered homosexuality, which focused on certain sex acts only.
Part A:
If you are engaged and know you have Same Sex Attraction or are Gay then you should at least tell your fiance so that your fiance can decide for themselves if they want to take a chance in marrying someone with Same Sex Attraction or is Gay (who may decide to leave them for someone of the same sex in the future) OR waiting and marrying someone else who does not struggle with Same Sex Attraction and is not Gay.
I think your own struggle should not ruin another person's life. By not being honest with your fiance then you would be marrying them under false pretenses and using them to hide (which is not fair to your fiance).
Part B:
If you're already married and your spouse does not know, then you may want to be honest with them about your struggle since it's affecting your marriage. You may need some support from a Counselor to have that conversation yo have that conversation. Also depending on your Spouses reaction to your struggle, you may have to get into Marriage Counseling.
If you're a Married and a Christian, then the issue you may have is the Vows you made to your Spouse while standing before The LORD:
1-Forsaking All Others (Includes BOTH Men and Women)
2-Til Death Do Us Part (If your thinking about divorcing your spouse after coming out to them and you both are very much alive)
3-Also per the Scriptures, it mentions Adultery as being the Scriptural reason to Divorce (not having Same Sex Attraction or being Gay).
Great video. I grew up Catholic and coming out was hard for me. It's sad how anti LGBT religions are. Many of us gays adhere to the bible much more than our straight counterparts.
It's best to tell the opposite sex partner early on, explain over time.
it is really a complex and delicate situation!
I have a friend who is ,55 . Im an out gay man. I think he likes me but is in the closet. He also told me after a few drinks . ' I did the right thing, I got married I had children. He also said he never enjoyed sex with his ex wife. He has given me really long hugs and in one said ,can you go gay in your 50's ' he shows all signs he likes me. Any thoughts ?
you just said what I really feel inside
You deceived your wife and children. You should give everything you acquired in the marriage to them and move the heck away.
Thank you so much, I needed all of this message. I wish I had grown up in my church hearing God was capable of loving someone like me and I wasn't a bad person.
Can't change the past, but you are playing such an important role in changing the future and undoing some of the trauma for so many people.
God bless you.
The Bible is not antigay. If you had read it before you decided to become a pastor you would know that. There are literally hundreds of passages which demonstrate this, and it is difficult to feel sorry for someone so easily misled by pastors who lie about what the Bible says.
thank you! this is soo touching
Sorry, this will be a long comment. Just to explane what is my point of view
I know English. But sometimes I use Google Translate for certain things that are complicated. I don't know if this is a correct translation, but in the Bible it says in Norwegian "you shall not lie with a man as you lie with a woman". Not sure if it says exactly the same spelling in English
What is sex? What is the original definition of sex? There are only two types of sex. So vaginal intercourse and anal intercourse. The word "oral sex" contains the word "sex", but it is a relatively new word, originally it was called something from Greek which, directly translated into Norwegian, is called "oral satisfaction" (I don't know exactly how it translates into English).
I agree that children need a mother and a father, so in that way I think we are created for man and woman, when it comes to making a family
I believe and have read that anal intercourse is seen as impure in the Bible, for both women and men. So the only way a man can sleep with a man as he sleeps with a woman is intercourse in an anal way. Masturbation is not sex, oral sex is not sex (even if it contains the word "sex"). I can't think of anything nastier than anal sex, imagine having a penis inside a gut, it can't be more disgusting
Rape doesn't just apply to sex, I think it also applies to sexual harassment. If you touch private parts against the other person's consent or on minors, you should absolutely be punished. In Norway, unfortunately, rape is usually dismissed in the judicial system, and those who receive punishment, unfortunately, receive a reduced sentence if it is "only" about oral and masturbation because they are sentenced for "sexual harassment" and not for rape.
There are also divided opinions among Christians about sex before marriage. Some believe that it is intercourse before marriage that is sinful, because that is all that is sex. While others believe that all kinds of sexual events before marriage are a sin. The phenomenon of "lexicon" is several thousand years old, definitions and statistics are nothing new. And sex has never, not now or several thousand years ago, had any other definition than intercourse. There is a difference between the word "sex" and "sexual". Adultery is more than just sex, and more than just sexual activity. Kissing is not erotic, but romantic, and if you are with one person and kiss another person then you are unfaithful, if you hold hands with a person in a romantic way while you are with another person, then you are unfaithful. In Norway, the sexual minimum age is 16. But two people of the same age (for example, two 14-year-olds or two 12-year-olds) consensually masturbating together or having oral sex together is not prohibited, why not? Because it is NOT sex! But it is forbidden for someone aged 16 to do this with someone under the age of 16, and that is of course a good ban
I am homosexual. I was with a man before, a man the same age as me. Unfortunately it ended, but I will probably find a new boyfriend eventually. We never had anal sex, we never had vaginal sex either (because it's not physically possible😅), so I've never slept with a man like with a woman. We did various erotic things (but I won't say what we did), but I can say as mentioned that we NEVER had anal sex. Therefore we are both virgins. I actually took part in an anonymous statistics survey recently. It was about sexuality, one of the questions was whether I had made a sexual debut, in parentheses on the form it said (tick "yes" if you and your partner have had intercourse, all other sexual activity is not considered a sexual debut, if you have not have had sexual intercourse, the answer to the question is "no") I have no intention of getting married, I have no intention of going to the Pride parade, I have no intention of adopting. I live without sex, because I never have intercourse. That's why I don't live with a man like a woman lives with a man, I fall completely outside that category. The Bible does not go into detail. The Bible talks about sex, and then you have to look up the encyclopedia to find out what the word "sex" means by definition, and then I think of the very oldest definitions, these definitions that were written in the same time period as the Bible was written. If I live in a relationship with only oral satisfaction and masturbation together with my boyfriend, I live without SEX
What a great video, full of wisdom and very gentle, yet firm. I was in a catholic charismatic fellowship and witnessed right in front of my eyes how a guy left to another town and never came back to those meeting because he started to date a man. I was so mad about this and about the fact no one ever talked about him in this way - he only was the one who struggled with his mental health, with finishing school, and the one who man, had a style :D (he actually had his own closet which I think is a stereotype but in this case so true). I also was seeing that in my relationship there is something wrong and shameful around sexuality and I´ve been thinking if my boyfriend wasn´t gay, but as he was brought up in this fellowship where nobody talked about it, I felt even if I brought the topic up, it might just scare him to death. I really needed those conversations with him and by the time that passed since we broke up I ended up also questioning myself, and now I am on my journey to finding out and being really honest with myself. It scared me so much that if he was gay, he´d be litteraly feeling that he lost everything because all his life was filled with religious activities. Maybe a projection but who knows. Thank you for viewpoint like this
Thank you so much for this video
Your are Great Please dont get political Let Folks make up their own minds as to who they are voting for thanks
Thankyou for sharing this. I think it helps me a lot and I think the same as you think
the Bible GOD MADE HOMOSEXUALITY
This means so much. Thank you Kevin. 💙💙
I don't think that the Hebrew God impregnated a virgin. Nor do I believe that Greek gods had relarions with mortals. So there can be no Christ. Gravity keeps us on the earth..so Jesus cannot go up into the clouds. That account must be fiction, make believe. Maybe we are just evolved creatures. Love...love..love.❤❤❤
As a husband. did you avoid intercourse with your wife? How? Could you share examples?
Thank you
This is great just what I needed to hear thank you
Freddy Mercury went through the same thing..
He did not get married though.
Wow, such wise words! You made me cry for some reason....
❤️
Great work
marriage is great for the opposite sex as long as they don't cheat
👎🏼
first: there is no hell (literal fire)
second: attraction to same sex is part of imperfection
third: God doesn't hate gays(person) he hates the wrong actions (separate the person from his mistakes, you can't judge person's whole life by just one mistake, God never will)
fourth: God will see your effort/will to do what is right (not tolerating)
nice video! you look great!❤
I was married to my accepting wife for 51 years. I was a Baptist Pastor and missionary. I cared for my wife with MS for 26 years. Just before she passed I thanked her for accepting me as her gay husband. She said "Of course. That was easy. Why wouldn't I?" She was amazing. I am now free to be the gay man I always was. I went through 13 years of reparative therapy including electronic shock therapy. The solution for me was checking the original Hebrew and Greek of the clobber passages. I was amazed with what I found. Therein for me was the answer. I am gay and proud of it. But I'm too old to find a partner/husband now.
Man you are so cute 😍 great video 🙌
Thank you so much for this video ❤️
OMG I love you.
OMG !You are in the wrong business. Get some counceling so you know exactly who you are. Then you can move forward You are quite confused !
Super helpful comment, Kathy! Thank you.
I’m getting worried now. Can gay people really change when the world has messed them up already? 🤔🤷♀️
Yeah tell that to the person I’m dating please.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I understand why people are homophobic now.
Just like your dad
@@lovelife2186 funny thing is, he is. 💀
Because of religion and society?
@ねこ Yes, and shit like this
@@worstgirlThat's only BECAUSE of religion and society. Religion and society judges and bullies gay people for being gay and then freaks out and judges them when they marry the opposite sex. Pretty damn hypocritical😂