Could you have an episode, without the real person being present, but present a real scenario and get advice/comments from real people? Like you did for the gay guy episode...
I’m just gonna say it. It’s insanely selfish to marry a woman knowing that you are gay beforehand. Her feelings and her life matter too, and now she has to suffer unnecessarily because he used and lied to her.
It’s especially sad hearing stories about women/men with already-born children and basically having already spent several years of their life with the liar.. don’t they think the partner has feelings too? I don’t give a damn that you’re scared you “might hurt their feelings”. You are taking away the time someone ELSE could be loving that person by living a lie and keeping them trapped in a one-sided relationship.
@@theamazingcake9690 in super religious communities they actually just tell lgbtq people this lie that their sexuality can be fixed, he is also a victim and not the one to blame since it is not his fault he was so brainwashed to the point of making such a decision.
@@cryptical1210 No, that is something you should be open about with your spouse. If you can’t be honest with that person about everything, you definitely should not get married. That is indeed selfish.
It's interesting, but the fact they're doing this with a whole group of people at once will inevitably trigger some people in the group to let their choice be influenced by others.
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okay and??? blame religion for brainwashing him into thinking he could become straight by marrying a woman. its not his fault. there can be 2 victims in one scenario. there doesnt always have to be a villain
It's a terrible situation either way. Does he owe her to live a lie to make her happy? Regardless of what he does, someone is going to get hurt. If he stays in the closet, he's hurting himself, if he comes out, he's hurting her. It would be better if we lived in a society where he didn't feel he had to live a lie
@@Mahogui. It is indeed a narrative yes. Being a bad one, might I add. There are many instances where being yourself or doing what you feel comes naturally to you, is wrong...
@@aPeachWhoLovesYeshua One were people do not have to marry someone to cover up their sexuality in fear of being rejected by family, friends, and others. Two people of the same sex getting married is such a huge deal in the mind of the ignorant.
I grew up Mormon and I know several people who've had to deal with this dilemma. The answer is ALWAYS "yes" in the end no matter how hard the choice is to come out.
@@armoredghost918 No doubt. I'm merely expressing my sympathy because I've had to sit through this conversation with several friends. I know it's not a flash decision with immediate consequences and then moving on. It's an excruciating journey from recognition of the task at hand to finding fulfillment in life after the fallout. I don't think anyone in the "yes" box was advocating for a hasty coming out either.
Only time I'd suggest no in the end is if the partner has some sort of terminal illness and only has a year or less to live. Wouldn't want to kick them while they're down
I love that both the “Yes” option and the “No” option indicated he needed to come out. I agree with the decision to wait and set up a firm foundation not only for himself but also for his wife. Coming out is one of the most challenging things I have ever had to do and is not a simple process. I’m glad he chose to wait and equip himself and his wife with the tools to handle this by going to counseling. Love and support to all involved.
I agree as well. It's pretty sound advice for coming out in general. I'm on some LGBTQ+ forums where we get teens who are in the closet wondering if they should come out to their parents, and the older members always tell them NOT to come out if there is risk their parents might kick them out on the street (which is very sadly, a thing that happens more often than you'd think). We tell the young ones to try to wait until they have a backup plan, somewhere else to go stay/live or are able to support themselves financially in case the worst reaction to their coming out happens. So Jacob being in a somewhat similar situation where his entire life is based in and centered around his religious community, it's 100% the smartest move for him to get counseling and figure out a support system for the possible scenario his wife and community all turn on him and cast him out, which sadly is somewhat likely what could happen.
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I think he’d be doing himself and his partner a huge disservice by waiting. There is support out there, and waiting it out is essentially holding onto a huge secret for the sake of others. In my opinion that’s not living an authentic life.
Agreed, as someone who had to come out, it is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do in my life. Everyone should have a plan, a contingency plan for what to do in the event things do go wrong.
Had someone placed on a psych hold because her husband came out to her. Poor thing just cried and cried all day. Never ate, never watched TV, nothing. I felt so bad for her. Despite the fact that it devastated her, she is better off knowing the truth. I hope that she is doing better now
Is she really better off though? What objective criteria makes you think she is better off? To me, seems like shes worse off, crying everyday, depressed, placed in psych ward which may put her career as well as he relationship with others at risk, is the cost really worth it?
@@joesr31 Who knows? Patient goes through a lot of emotions in a 72hr hold. I'm not going to say that ones state of mind for 3 days reflects their entire lives. I'm hoping when she got discharged she moved on with her life and is in a better place. In life you will have bumps along the way
You ever cried and cried over breaking up with someone? You believe your world, your existence will crumble without them. Then a few weeks or days later you wonder why you was torn up over them.
I was married to someone who is gay, who didn't tell anyone. We were together 7 years. As the years went by things got worse. He was not allowing himself to be himself, which put a lot of misery on him. I was always rejected for wanting intimacy to the point where I lost all confidence and self-esteem. We both were living in misery. At the end of our marriage, he was sneaking out and hooking up with men. He claimed he loved me, I had claimed I loved him, but it ends up being a different kind of love. You cannot change who you are, & both parties are owed the truth and freedom to be who they are. After I filed for divorce, you can tell we are both happier and now have the freedom to be ourselves.
This is literally my biggest fear with my fiance because he rejects me with intimacy 9/10 times, and its ruined my self esteem and I've had worries in the back of my mind wondering if hes just a closeted gay. He can't even get erect for me most of the time even if I'm in lingerie.... its concerning
@@peachyally22 I’m sorry to hear that, wishing you all the best, protect your energy, don’t let him break your self esteem! Have you confronted him about it?
Everyone is saying he needs to come out to his wife when he's ready, meanwhile I'm thinking he should divorce her regardless of whether he tells her he's gay because he's wasting her time and playing with her emotions. He can be in the closet and single until he's ready, she didn't ask to be on this journey with him. In addition, if his community because he is gay, he hasn't lost anything, he's gained self respect within himself for cutting people that don't really love him for him. I admit, this is easier said than done because that could be an entire support system. I would advise he tackle that when he's a lot more confident in himself and has a plan for supporting himself.
*THIS* , I 100% agree. I slightly empathize for him and his circumstance’s (though it’s really hard to especially knowing that he *knew* he was gay going into the marriage which is just so selfish imo ). But whether he chooses to come out sooner or later, or not even at all, it is so unfair to have the wife continue to be straggled along like that.😕He seriously has to find a way to break things off with her regardless…
I completely agree with Chris at the end, yes he should come out but mentally emotionally and even financially prepare yourself for what comes with it.
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Yes, definitely. Anyone thinking about coming out needs to be prepared for the ultimate worse case scenario. It like the gay guy said coming out isn't like ripping up a bandaid because the pain isn't just going to last for a second and suddenly disappear
@@marktaylor4977 that's like trying to find a job while you're homeless it's a thousand time more difficult to do. Unless he breaks up with her without giving her a reason or giving her a made up reason, which in my opinion will be just as hurtful
I feel like people are babying him and the fact that everyone is forgetting about how she feels is beyond. Even sexuality aside, I’ll always feel bad for the person who’s on the other end of a one sided romance especially if the other person knows they didn’t love them romantically.
@@official_nadia I disagree, I think many of the people here are concerned for how his wife feels. But ultimately, they’re there to help *him* and his well-being, not hers.
@@datekaname2246 oh well, he knew his sexuality before he married his wife so I could care less about his “well-being”. He put himself in this situation so now he has to deal with whatever comes his way 🤷🏽♀️
The girl that was saying he doesn’t owe anyone anything…he made the choice to marry her knowing he was gay and she was not what he truly wanted. It’s not fair to her at all. He needs to be honest and deal with what he did to her. I wish he felt safe to come out before getting married and was able to be happy without destroying someone else in the process.
He made the choice with false information though. He loved his wife and thought he could turn straight. If you are convinced it's a choice then what he did makes sense.
@@stephaniakingus5417 I personally been told the same you don't owe anyone anything line. And this line came off wrong but I believe she meant that other people in the church who judge him he doesn't owe them anything. But of course to his wife he does owe her the truth but I think she meant publicly not just to his wife. She was on the you should tell your wife's side anyway. 😄
@@Submersed24 dude ppl have been doing that for centuries and still do. i understand in countries where it is illegal, but not so much where it is not. ik there's the risk of losing some family with many ppl so that's obviously hard and I empathize. but take advantage of the resources in first world nations. Ftr, Robert Reed had a wife and kids. He was gay. So was Anthony Perkins. Many men, famous or not, had male 'roommates' and maybe expressed not being interested in relationships. Honestly, the male roommate way is the best way to live happily if you cant come out.
@@c00ki3IIIm0n5t3r let me guess, you’re a straight person that will never understand the struggles and oppression faced by society. Stay in your lane fr
It’s so refreshing to know that there are still people in this world capable of showing empathy and human compassion regardless of their own personal convictions.
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@@hotgirleyah9024 you fail to see how he was manipulated. he thought he could change bc of how he was raised, he was literally taught that what he is, is wrong, and needs to be fixed. I don't feel any less empathetic for his wife though; they both have my empathy because it's a tough situation for everyone involved. he was manipulated and taught wrong, which caused bad decision making, and his wife got strung in it.
I feel bad for them both. The fact that his internalized homophobia has led to him entering a marriage with someone close to him who he doesn’t love romantically is very unfortunate for both parties. I feel very bad for his wife, but I do understand why he’d feel so trapped in his circumstances. Either way, I hope they both do better. His wife deserves better and so does he. I hope she can find someone who truly does love her and he can find a supportive community.
I love the diversity of the cast here. You selected people of all varying backgrounds to help provide insight to different facets of life. For many people, people don’t think that LGBTQ sexuality and devout religion don’t clash but in many cases, it does. Jubilee selected people who both came from a religious background to speak to that aspect of his life and LGBT individuals fo speak for that aspect. And everyone was so respectful and concerned. However, I really do think the longer he waits the more pain he’s going to inflict on his wife. So it’s definitely not something he can take his time on.
I don't completely agree with you on the diversity part. Majority (if not all) were liberal and more than half were LGBTQ. It would be interesting to include someone on the more conservative side just to add a different view on the situation, and someone who is older as they have a bit more life experience. But none the less, a great concept. I can't wait to see what else this series has in store.
I think the fact that they are both going to Counselling is a great idea because then she’ll have support too if she’s not comfortable with turning to people in their religious circle for guidance
No matter what he does, he’s gonna hurt his wife. He needs to tell her the truth now. It’s not fair to her or him. Neither one will be truly happy until the truth comes out.
Waiting to get guidance from a counselor is a great idea. If he does lose everything and everyone, he will already have useful tools to cope with the fallout. His wife will as well. I think it will reduce both of their chances of spiraling. There should be a plan to tell her in the next fee months though to not waste more significant time.
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To MARRY someone just because you thought it would change your sexuality is absolutely insane. Divorce is such a stressful process, emotionally and financially. What he did was selfish, and whatever may result is due to the consequences of his actions. With that being said, I truly do hope that he and his wife receives the best possible outcome from this.
@@animegodz6981 We don’t know how influensed his choice was. Since its a small little community pressure and influence could have played a part in his descision
Sadly, nobody is considering the wife's feelings in this and I can't imagine the betrayal that she's going to feel knowing he had never been in love with her. His relationship with her is based on a series of lies from the moment he married her. This all could have been avoided.
Exactly they’re only thinking about him cause he’s gay and all he gotta go through but who cares the whole dilemma is about coming out to the wife imagine everything she’s gonna go through
Thank you for having sense. All this could’ve been avoided had he stayed single. They’re to focused on sexuality instead of the lies and time stolen from her.
@@wshyangify still the same, you shouldn’t married someone who you know you don’t fully love to be in a relationship with, time to be honest is before you’re getting married. Imagine being friend, best friend, all through childhood through getting married together, and just realizing that the other person never actually fully love you or want to be in a relationship with you, that’s the saddest feeling to have
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@@tinagold3395 you cant really know urself too well.. or because of society.. if u wanna say hes a horrible person, then tell that to society whose not accepting of gay ppl, we are not the ones who r free of prejudice like straight ppl. The guy had so much confusement along his way and lost his path, mistakes happen
@@xtianchen7977 i never said ultra religious societies aren’t homophobic. I understand struggling with your sexuality. But as he said in the video, he KNEW he was gay before he even got married. In that case, why get married? Just stay single and figure it out. It’s not fair to the woman in this situation who was lied to.
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I can’t lie to y’all…it kind of bothered me that he married her knowing he was gay and BEFORE marrying her, leaving him time to not be in his current predicament. I’m definitely empathetic to the situation however that was a little lowkey messed up. I mean every situation is different it just sucks that this was his “best friend” and couldn’t tell her the truth.
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Most men see women as props for their lives. They don’t register them as full, breathing people so they have no problem using them for x amount of years until they “find themself” ( AKA they personally can’t live with their lie anymore because of how it affects them)
Its highkey messed up and made me so angry. Men being closeted and dating/marrying women is so horrible. You’re wasting her time and destroying her trust. Its a very selfish act. Sinister even.
@@Rozegolden Extremely sinister. I'm of the opinion that men that do this want to hurt the women in their lives out of hatred. This is not something you do when you love someone. Misogyny runs deep and manifests itself in all sorts of ways, this included, and it must be called out every single time. Our lives are not expendable.
first thing, if his job is linked to the church, he should find another one to ensure his financial safety. Add psychotherapy to this. And THEN, when he can make sure he will be financially and emotionally stable, he can come out
Yeah I agree, he already said he’s been battling depression and guilt because of his closeted status and knows full well he’ll lose his job and everyone he knows. Coming out without a safety plan, he’d most likely take his own life plain and simple. Wishing the best for this guy, hope he can get through this and live his best life
Why do we keep saying “he” like does the wife have no feelings at all? She thought this was the love of her life and he is just thinking about other men
If he loves her so much, he shouldn't lie to her. It's so horrible for her, I feel very bad for his wife. He's in a hard situation too, but she doesn't know and didn't decide to do this. It's not her fault, but she doesn't deserve this. I understand the pressure he had, but it's just too wrong.
I think that in this case, it didn't matter to him, because he chose her over his sexuality. But this is also his best friend and the most important person in his life, so he most likely physically couldn't do it. It's a difficult situation, because whether he comes out or not, he genuinely loves her and was never going to leave. Another thing is that he knew her long before, and he didn't meet her in adulthood. When they were friends, there wasn't much incentive to come out, and by the time they realised they wanted to marry, he's gotten too far into this lie, so you can imagine how tough it would been. Her having been his best friend growing up complicates this on so many levels.
@@maxm.m.7219 he isn't showing he cares about her though. if he genuinely cared about her and loved her, he would tell her. him staying in this lie is hurting her and will hurt her
@@rosie2871The thing is that he actually cares about her and that’s why it’s such a difficult situation. He cares about her and so he doesn’t want to hurt her but at the same time he cares about her in a way where he doesn’t her to hate him or loose her.
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My immediate thought was that no, it's not painless. But the pain does go away. And in the end, you're going to be glad you got it off sooner instead of keeping it there.
It is easy to tell them "yes" when you have the support of family, friends, and a community. It is difficult to tell them "no", because even if you want them to come out. The fact doesn't change that that decision could cause them to lose their family, friends, community, and job. I use to live in a small rural religious town, where just a rumor about you being gay would isolate you. While they should come out eventually, they should feel safe and secure in their decision to do so. It might be only a step toward that, but it's a step they need to take.
It is selfish towards his wife. He's denying her the opportunity to live with someone who desires her and is attracted to her. He will destroy her life if he continues to drag her and waisting her time.
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It is never okay to use someone to "fix you". You should never say marriage vows when you know they are a lie. This is such a huge betrayal to the one you love, she deserves the truth and freedom from the lie she doesn't even know she is living. I understand the incredibly difficult situation he was face with being born into a community that won;t accept him as he is but that in no way excuses his disregarding her feelings and her autonomy to make an informed decision when it comes to her life and her future.
@Atzo Is there anything we can do to make it better for the community ? I am aromantic straight and deal with self image, and it hurts me. I have friends who are bi or agender or gay, and other sexualities and cant come out or are disrespected bc of it
I agree with you, he obviously made a mistake and that's his responsibility. however growing up in an extremely religious anti-lgbt community can do things to you psychologically and make mistakes the majority of people have the privilege of knowing better. If I grew up in the same situation as him, I can't say I would do differently. The thing to take away from this video is that he's trying to live his truth and correct the mistakes he's made.
He would need a plan. Housing, financially he’d need a plan in case his job decided to abandon him, a community outside of the one he’s living in. I can’t believe I’m saying it, but take your time
I agree, it unfortunately wouldn’t change anything if he comes out tomorrow vs a couple months from now. The reaction and ramifications will all be the same, but it gives time for him to figure out a plan to set himself up for a future.
So... while his wife is out there being lied to and thinking they are a happy family, planning her whole life with HIM in it, he should be out there taking ALL his time planning on how to leave the relationship and secure his future? He gets to plan everything carefully and think for himself but his wife will be forced to make QUICK choices and will have to find a QUICK way to becoming financially stable once he suddenly leaves her? So basically "f*** her, think about you and you alone". When she is busy trying to get her life in order he would already be set, will probably have even started dating someone else thanks to all HER time he wasted?
@@mimiad397 did you watch the video? he stresses several times near the end that he not only wants to prepare himself, but also his wife. that’s why they’re *both* in counselling. he mentioned he gets one-on-one counselling, and i’m assuming his wife does too. he’s trying his best to make this impossibly difficult situation a little bit less difficult.
@@mimiad397 His wife isn't the one who will lose everything; she already has a support network. And no one said that he should suddenly abandon her either, they can and should work things out together once he does come out, unless she makes the choice to abandon him. That's the whole point of getting counseling. Going through with counseling is also helpful for her in this situation
@@cher8721 we gave him sympathy because of how he was pressured by the religious surroundings and made to believe that getting into a straight marriage can “fix” his sexuality, not because of he’s gay 🤦♂️ it’s much more complicated than that.
Coming out should always be when you want if you want. HOWEVER! Do not drag someone else into it, immediately you start hurting someone else who is completely oblivious then that becomes a serious issue for me. Either tell her or if you feel like she won't keep it to herself, then get an annulment and cite another reason for it, just find a way to not waste anymore of her time
That's the worst advice I can think of. If you get an annulment, you're hurting her without even giving reason and being dishonest. At that point you should tell the person.
@@princesscheeni how is that any different from what he's doing now, hurting her and being dishonest, at least with an annulment she can move on even if he's not ready to come out. When he's ready she'll be glad he did it sooner rather than later.
@@cathy4697 An annulment is basically saying that the whole marriage didn’t count. She is someone that he has known for a very long time and has made a deep connection with. To just say, “I’m actually gay, so let’s just pretend that this whole thing never happened” would be incredibly disrespectful. It needs to be handled with more care than that.
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@@fangirl365 it’s already gravely disrespectful like, what does coming out do to her? Tell her that her life with this person was basically a lie anyway. I have zero sympathy for him because he never had to get married. He said it was his decision and he’s about to destroy a home and a family.
@@truehappiness4U When you are made to feel like you have to live your live a certain way, or else your whole community will shun you (or way WAY worse, depending on the situation), you will do everything to convince yourself that you’re not that way.
Y'all mean in a platonic sense...I think he should definitely tell her. I'm sure nobody would want to waste a decent amount of their time with some undecided fraud.
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@@maddiemaryanne426 he loves her as « friend » it’s way different… I don’t know if they have kids and all but her life is literally a whole lie… poor girl.
I’m a lesbian and I’ve always silently judged other gay people who enter into straight marriages when they know they’re gay beforehand because I think it’s incredibly unfair to their partner. However, this gave me a new perspective. I can’t imagine the pressure that was put on Jacob growing up in such a religious environment to conform to heterosexuality and to end up in a straight marriage and have a “normal” life. I definitely won’t be so quick to judge after this, thank you for that Jacob. And I really wish you well and hope that things go well when you come out. I hope your partner and family can find it in their hearts to be understanding and that you are safe 🖤
omg this comment gave me so much comfort. I have not married like Jacob, but I grew up closeted and Christian and felt the same pressure. So many of the comments are so judgmental and hateful. I feel deeply sad for him. Thank you soooo much for these words and for being open-minded. There's so many of us queer ppl who have felt like they have to do what he did
Myself being a queer person I can 100% say that you should tell her. Coming out is something that should ALWAYS be your choice, IF you want, HOW you want, buuuut the moment you start hurting someone's feelings, lie to them, and wasting their time, It becomes a matter of WHEN you will come out to them. Both you and the wife doesen't deserve any of this
I came out to my super religious and conservative parents earlier this year, after having been in the closet for nearly 10 years. While everyone out there is telling you it's important to live your truth, it can be a major risk (sometimes to your life). I'm glad I took the 10 years though, because I had the the time to become a financially independent adult, with a strong network of friends from the community. My parents took it okay, but it would've SUCKED if I wasn't fully prepared to accept the worst case scenario. I really hope he lays out a plan and it all works out for him.
you guys live in a bubble, it´s not like he wanted to marry her, but he needs an alibi otherwise he would lose his community, friends and family, it is expected of him to marry a woman
I just hurts to see some people think "he will lose everything" if he tells her. What about her? She deserves someone who wants her sexually. If you're gay, you're gay. He's not bisexual or pan. She doesn't have what he wants. She's not there for his "comfort."
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Agreed, it stings so much to pour your heart out for someone in intimate relations only to discover they were doing it to keep up an act at some point. Definitely creates some trust issues with opening up romantically in the future
Agreed. Though I'm sure he already knows that what he's doing is selfish and that's probably why he's trying to get help 'cause he doesn't wanna live a lie anymore and hurt his wife furthermore. I hope the both of them the best outcome in whatever aspect and come into terms with their relationship someday
@@Solip_i OK i'm sorry but the fact that he would be entirely ostracised from his community, family, friends and most likely lose his job if he came out deems him SELFISH?! When he legit said he thought it would change him??? That's such fucked up thinking dude. This is a matter of survival and trying to do what you were raised to do.
Why are none of them considering the wife? She has been lied to this whole time, and no one seems to think he's wrong for that. I can completely empathize with not knowing you're gay until you're well into the marriage, but when you knew before hand, that's just selfish and cruel. It isn't just about him.
If you're in a community where your job is at stake and you might loose your family and friends after coming out, becoming straight may seem like the only option. I'm not sure if his religion is nessecerily Christanity but if it is, he was probably taught that you can overcome being gay. We know that's rubbish, but for him, someone who seems to have been very influenced by the church, of course he believed he could turn himself straight. He probably would have grown up being told that homosexuality is just a sinful phase and it can be given up like any other sin. So it might seem wrong to us to enter into a straight relationship knowing you're gay, but he may have believed it was just a fact of life that you can change your sexuality. It's his religion that is cruel and selfish and him and his wife are both victims of it.
What happened is gone. Now at this point it's better he tell her or you know one day he's gonna come out for sure. So I feel it's better if you do it early. Well what's your opinion then?
@@jgreen7100 he made the situation worse for himself when he decided to get married and drag someone else down with him now he have to face the consequences.
He gave his reasoning, when you grow up praying every day that the Gay inside you will go away or even end your life, you try everything you feasibly possible to become straight, you would also go as far as marriage, better if with someone you love, like a friend. So totably understandable, esp in a society that strictly appreciated heterosexual relationships
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Love this new concept, especially how it's just one dilemma per episode. I initially thought it'd be like 3 quick dilemmas, but I like that we have a full-length episode so you can really think and figure out your side. I switched a few times during this episode, but mostly I'm just hopeful that he is able to be his authentic self.
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I don't feel sorry for him. He knew he was gay and still went on and married his wife knowing damn well he would destroy an innocent life. This poor woman is going to be devastated
Okay BUT its not his fault that religion tells gay people they have to "turn straight" many Christians will literally force gay people into these marriages
Odds are the mental pressure of his religion and being raised in such a homophobic setting made him think he’d be “fixed” if he got with a wonderful women. Its truly heartbreaking what religion does to people.
@@vixenwaifu It's truly heartbreaking what the media does to people. Religion actually has a very positive moral baseline, but mainstream media would never show that, specially in ultra liberal & sexualized countries like the USA
@@pabloocampo976 Dude. As someone who’s Bisexual and used to be a Christian, im speaking from a LOT of LGBTQIA+ experiences. Do NOT act like religion cannot harm, because it does. Maybe not at YOUR church, but at a decent amount of other churches. Not that long ago people were getting sent off to be “fixed” because of churches. If your not a bad religious person cool, then I wasn’t talking about YOU. However, don’t try to act as though bad religious people don’t exist.
You’ve already been selfish enough to marry her deceitfully, you owe it to her to tell her so she can get her life back together and experience love with someone honest
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Never mind the fact that he was in denial about his sexuality, the pressures of life and the communities we live on is what lead to his “selfish” decision. It’s not a clean cut scenario, there’s a lot we don’t know that could have contributed to his train of thought at the time.
@@justhumanrampai4882 then people have to do the necessary work in themselves, before making a life changing commitment to someone else. Do the therapy & soul searching before making vows & bringing your baggage to another person.
@@artforchrist5065 there’s more room now to do such but what if there wasn’t then when they got married. Societally, we know better now, there are more resources and paths but it hasn’t always been so. All I’m saying is there’s a lot we don’t know to be simply labelling him ‘selfish’.
It's crazy to see how hate and homophobia, and the idea that you can be "changed" can make victims out of more than just the people it's directed to, leading LGBT+ people to make drastic decisions for the sake of community or survival or both. I feel for him and his wife, I wish them both the best.
I'm late to the video but thank you for saying this. I empathize with them both too. It also breaks my heart to see people in the comments try to portray him as bad.
@@Milkythefawn I'm not saying he didn't do anything bad. But we have to aknowledge that he wouldn't have done this if he wasn't a victim himself. Show some compassion, that's what this channel is supposed to be about.
yeah marrying her might seem like a mistake, but I know people in rural religious communities are under a lot of pressure to get married so I understand why he made that mistake. would it be better not to tell the truth now? i dont think so. I think not telling the truth all your life and not giving them the chance to find someone else to start a family with is much much worse.
i feel this is just a tad insensitive, him growing up religious could have made him feel isolated, and terrible about his true identity. yes he did that but either way he still LOVES the woman, he made no mistakes marrying her. just because his feelings are not romantic but platonic does not mean he is a bad person. he held a huge baggage himself and it wasn’t selfishly, he probably wanted to be accepted and be “normal”. someone can only take so much and like he said he really did marry her just to try and fix himself. that id the cruelest thing. not that he married her, but that he sabotaged himself trying to fit into religious and societal standards. he stated him and his wife have different views on LGBTQ. he clearly struggles immensely and isn’t doing this selfishly.
@@alejandraloc7138 i don’t think he’s a bad person either, but you sadly can’t take away the damage that he has somewhat done to his wife. But I still do believe that the one to blame the most here are the religious people and that he is still a victim himself (just like his wife), and that he got somewhat manipulated and probably thought that since he loved her platonically, he will live her romantically after the marriage. But I still do believe that he probably didn’t had any selfish attention marrying her, but you can’t take away the fact that his wife is a victim, just like him.
All the people talking about "how selfish it is to marry a woman thinking it'll fix everything" have clearly never experienced being queer and growing up deeply conservative. The denial in being your authentic self is one of the TOP things in these communities, and its completely natural to hope and believe that you'll be "fixed". There is no malice or ill intent there and it's a genuine feeling. Don't be so close-minded and self-centered. We're all navigating life in the way we are raised and the way we think is best. Kudos to this guy for finally making the leap to move forward with his true self.
@@happyblackwoman6154 No one may have literally forced him, but the pressures of his community and the pressure to be straight did. Psychological pressures are real.
Well even if he thought that marriage will "fix" him...was he entitled to use his wife as an equivalent of aspirin for headache? If he thought of marriage as of a solution to his "problem", shouldn't his wife be informed about it? Lying, using a person as an object... There are so bad..
@@lawrence2111 it's still your choice whether you give into the pressure or not. No one held a knife up to him and forced him to marry his wife. He is not a victim.
@@Notactiveanymore899 There are ways you could probably come out. Where it probably won't sound as hurtful. Words have an impact and how we convey those words and use them can make a change.
Tell her. My ex came out as trans when I was 5 months pregnant. If she had told me before, we wouldn't have our son, so I'm forever grateful for that, but I'm glad she finally told me so I could live in honesty.
@@dee1946 we do! We just tell my son he has 3 parents and when he's older we'll explain the details that his Ba and I are his biological parents and his "dad", my husband, is his parent through love
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I really feel bad for the wife because she’s probably going to feel used/worthless and as if shes a “test experiment” because he decided to use her selfishly as a beard for years. Not going to lie i grabbed my pearls when he said he knew that before he got married, thats janky asf lol
@@peepeetrain8755 almost allways religion. That's the problem with the church, they think they "converted" them but it's not something you can convert, it's a natural thing that only some people experience
@@nic558 On top of it, without the other party's knowledge they're part of what is essentially an experiment. It's one thing if the wife was in on it from the beginning, it's another if she never knew.
also you decide to MARRY someone because you hope it will turn you straight?? didnt you know that wasn’t true when you dated her for, presumably, years? he knew deep down when he was saying those vows theres so such thing as “turning” straight. i feel so much pity for him but i am so sad that he ruined his wife’s life
@@yiiihaaa___9139with some people, sexuality IS a choice! They choose to become Bi or gay. Some people turn from straight to gay suddenly. In college you see such many cases, it’s getting out of hand. People cheat, people deal with mental health issues etc.
You would never do anything to hurt her? You already hurt her by having a romantic relationship with her when your gay. Just tell her the truth so she can start to rebuild her life, find a new husband and start a new family while she still has time.
I mean yeah this is really sad for the wife but you have to understand that many queer people find themselves stuck in straight marriages because of social pressure and homophobia. It's a sad situation all around and I feel for both parties tbh
@@SexyBibliophile i know but it's not that easy especially when your partner also share the same view on religion as you, he is not ready to coming out to anyone, and if he tell his wife, his wife would tell the family
@@newbabies923 That still doesn't justify it. I feel bad for him and understand what he's going through, but it's so incredibly unfair for her. So much of her life and energy wasted on the wrong person who will never love her. He is 100 percent in the wrong, though obviously it is his homophobic community that has driven him into this wrong. No matter how hard someone's life is, it doesn't justify making other people's lives miserable, especially if they haven't done any wrong.
Religion hurt them both. He gets told day in day out to control his desires and to pray the gay away. This is what happens when you lie to people and tell them they have to be a certain way to be accepted and if they are not, then try harder to fit in. This is what he did, he tried until it was inevitable to deny to himself who he truly is. Let people be. This is the situation for a lot of people, legally even, they can face death penalty for simply being who they are.
Depending on how you are raised up a lot of cultures and religions are very against homosexuality so others suppress/ pretend not to be gay to fit in and conform to there families' beliefs and wants. Also society teaches us that being straight is the "normal" thing
I’m very glad he made that decision, bringing a counselor into it is the best way to do this. That way if worst comes to worst and his family and friends and wife all leave him than he needs to have some sort of outside support. Once he’s confident that he has support and people to talk to he definitely should come out to her as soon as he safely can.
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I feel so bad for his wife. Can’t stand that this kind of stuff is still happening. Women getting their reality uprooted and fed lies. He took so much time from her and she’ll never get it back. Praying for her heart and mind. He’s known all this time and will be prepared and she won’t be 💔
@@lovekaseyk7247 no one in that room acknowledged her as a victim they acknowledged him as a victim because of their lgbtq stand (nothing against them)
He knew the whole time he was gay? Dude wtf. He's wasting her time, lying to her and married her under false pretenses. Yeah it sucks for him to, but he's not the one being used
I know its wrong but we need to see from his point of view, he thought it would turn him straight and also in religious community, marriage is seen as a must
@@newbabies923 I agree that religion is to blame, but regardless of what he thought, he took advantage of a women. That's not informed or enthusiastic consent. He can be in a bad situation and still be a bad person.
The truth is in the statement he made. Sometimes fear can be crippling, that along with social pressures and other surrounding circumstances he might to have not disclosed could be what lead him to make those, logically, poor decisions.
Because religious homophobia is stronger than you probably realized. He wasn't in a safe or mentally okay state when he married her. Yes, it's a bad move and it's terrible for them, but homophobia is a big problem especially when he's clearly surrounded by it.
He says it in the video. He thought that if he married her he'd somehow be straight. I'm assuming he thought that is because of the community he grew up. A religious one.
And this is why it’s important to be true to yourself. Now you dragged another person into your mess. And you continue to be selfish by not letting her know.
I haven't watched this yet but my heart hurts for his wife.. I think he absolutely SHOULD tell her but I'm sure she would have wanted to know before she committed to a marriage.. I hope everything works out for them!
@@PennyWise-eu9nz the only reason that some gays marry straight people and end up in this dilemma is because straight people force them into this. If people would tolerate gays then no gay would ever choose a straight relationships for obvious reasons.
Not telling her is a form of hurting her. At some point she will find out, the universe has a way of making it happen. When she does, she would be in a state of hysteria, you should come clean, that's what love is. No matter what she says tell her the truth.
Victim blamer... YOU don''t comprehend what it's like to suffer bc of religion in this way. CONGRATS! I ENVY YOU! he's hurt way worse than she could ever be hurt.
@@Imjustkendall He knew he was gay before the marriage, he didn’t need to get married. Plenty of straight religious men are single, it’s not a requirement to get married. Of course he has religious trauma, but at the same time in doing this he is hurting the person he claimed to love tremendously. Acknowledging the wives feelings is not victim blaming
@@Imjustkendall and if he felt pressured to get married, and was brainwashed into thinking it would “fix him” that still doesn’t erase the fact that the wife will still be hurt. I’m a lesbian/ questioning bisexual so I understand religious trauma, so don’t get me wrong I do feel bad for him- but like I said earlier it doesn’t erase how hurt she will be. Though she is homophobic from what he said, so I don’t feel as bad for her as I would normally
@@kandy1643 Yea, it is shitty for everyone, and I’d agree with you more if ALL the comments weren’t victim shaming this poor guy. Although everyone is overlooking that, the wife is probably NOT in love, these marriages work where both parties are forced into this, so she won’t go through heartbreak
Being an ace person, reading all the comments about how horrible he is being to his wife make me feel a little sad. He honestly believed that his sexuality would change (erroneously), and it's clear he has such a deep and caring (platonic?) love for his wife. He should come out now that he's realized, but I'm not going to dunk on the process of discovery.
me too :/ and as a fellow ace person I went through a similar thing, honestly believing I could change just because of the romantic love I had for the person I was with. but yeah, it doesn't actually work that way lol and just ended up causing a lot of harm than being upfront about it and accepting myself
Im ace too, and honestly I have to say that people don't deserve to be used for your character development. It is cruel. People are so scared of being alone that they jump into relationships before they even understand themselves and thats why there are so many people in loveless relationships and "rejecting" their sexuality, only to realize that they hate their spouse or don't love them in a non platonic manner. Just look at the pandemic and how many couples broke up because they realized they hated spending time together. People in general need to raise the bar when it comes to entering a relationship.
Fear of losing the people you know and love will make you stay quiet. It's not so easy to just embrace your truth as it seems in media. Everyone is still different and it can be overwhelming when the world seems to have established a set of rules for you to follow.
exactly. what these comments don’t realize is there are many societies and religions where homosexuality is punishable, sometimes even by death. and even if it’s not “punishable” there’s still extreme societal and familial expectations in many cultures. coming out isn’t as easy and doable as western media makes it seem
the bi girl who said no annoyed me because it's not even comparable, when she didn't come out in her relationship it didn't matter because she was still genuinely attracted to her partner, that's not the case with him
As a Christian who grew up in a very tolerant and accepting community and church, it is so sad to realize there are still Christians who feel afraid to live their authentic selves because of how the religious community may not accept them. I wish him all the best and hope his friends and family would surprise him for the best if he did come out
@@3ialhdb yes but it’s the people IN that religion that make it difficult and they do that bc of their religion so it is also the religions fault. there are plenty of religions/beliefs that do not have bigoted people in it. buddhism for example
@@Sixgirlss Its not religion its the people. It's the way humans have interpreted and spread the word out. Christianity for example, its the way people have interpreted the bible and chose to carry it like that, that's why nowadays there are lgbt friendly churches. Religion has been run by humans for a long time and sometimes we can change things to suite our taste.
How does nobody in this panel mention how this hurts his wife. Date, marry, and love a guy for years and they he just says he's gay and leaves. It's deeply unfair for him to just abandon all the commitments he's made.
I think what everyone else is skipping over is the fact that he was purposefully deceptive to another person. He did not have to marry her or lie to her. He took away her choice. At the end of day is not even about him being a gay it's about him being a liar.
Purposely deceptive under threat of ostracization or even violence. Y’all seem to forget how rabid religious communities can be. Stop acting like he took glee in this and not as if this wasn’t forced upon him.
@@PerfectDark0 blah blah blah, it’s not the 18th century we live in 2022, don’t like we’re you live pack up your stuff and move… google safe places for gay people. He chose to live a lie and chose to involve others in that lie. Honestly just awful and a huge waste of time..
@@PerfectDark0 uhhh, he didn't have to tell the whole world he was gay, all he has to do was NOT marry her! It's It's simple. He is selfish and wicked. The mouth says one thing and actions say another.
It’s very selfish to be like “let me work on myself first before I come out to my wife” It seems the wife’s feelings were not really considered in this discussion.
It’s not about working on himself it’s about making sure he’s safe before he does so. I don’t think y’all understand what it’s like to be a gay person surrounded for homophobic Christian’s.
@@Notactiveanymore899 He didn’t bring up religion for NO reason. It’s obvious HIS church is homophobic. Stop making people out to be the villain just because you can’t accept that sometimes religion can ruin people’s lives.
This series is so interesting, it’s like watching the thought process that goes on in my own head when I’m making a decision, going back from yes to no and weighing pros and cons. It’s really unique. I love the series. I love this channel truly.
I think a lot of people in the comments are very unfair to him. Living in a religious community is completely different than the secular culture we have. The idea that you should still marry the opposite sex even when you are gay is pervasive. I live in a religious community and this is very common. I have had people confess to me that they are attracted to the same sex, or they loved someone who is the same sex and when I mention that they might be gay they get upset. Its dangerous to be gay in some places or when you are part of a faith. I think he needs to get a job outside of the church, some gay friends and/or support group and then just tell her the truth. If he is Mormon he'd probably get excommunicated.
yes religion is one thing to blame in this situation. but it is not fair to his wife. she will be devastated, not to mention the fact that he literally used her to try and change himself. she was being used. that's not something that she'll just be able to get over easily. he is still at fault.
@@rosie2871 Maybe that women was loved by him more than she ever could, even in the situation how it was. Maybe she even knew all along deep inside…. Why always worse case scenario?
@rosie he is at fault but you have to at least understand the poor dude. Being gay is not easy for people to accept and I feel like this guy wanted to feel accepted. Yes, he's in the wrong and I feel so tremendously horrible for the wife but I understand him. This is a terrible situation for the both of them and I feel bad for both.
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“As gay people we get to choose our family” -RuPaul. Some people are just not going to love you The way You deserve to be loved, & that’s ok. There’s a whole world out of people just like you. Find your tribe, find your family ❤️
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I have the feeling that people are just commenting without actually watching the video. For those who chose "No" it's not, "No he should never tell her" it's "He needs to wait a few months, go to counseling, and come up with a safe way to come out." He really does care for this woman and cares for her safety as well as his own
If he isnt ready to come out the fine. But chosing to waste a womans time even more after he has already been doing that for years is disgusting. My mother went through this exact same thing and to this day all she wishes is that my dad broke up with her sooner, he didnt even have to come out to her in order to do so! Women arent toys to be used and then thrown away! its unfair for him to marry a person knowing he is gay, wasting the persons time for years, and now wasting it again because of planing. He got have spent all the time he already wasted on "planing" yet he chose not to, so why is he allowed an extra choice now?
@@PennyWise-eu9nz he believed in his faith and the faith says not to be gay. so in his mind he could have thought it would eventually turn him straight. or sometimes people marry because they know they will be happy living with them forever not necessarily they love them. every situation is different
Let's think about who's really going to be affected by the revelation that their husband never felt the same about them this whole time but still went through with the relationship
well he loves her & they’ve been bestfriends since childhood. he loved her enough to sacrifice his own truth & the life he gets to live to hopefully live the life him & his wife wanted. also, the religious aspect in this situation is HUGE. he thought his marriage with his bestfriend would turn him straight. both are going to be affected, but only one will have to live with the thought of bringing pain to others around him. there’s a bigger picture than what you see.
@@angelpeezy6721 if he truly loved her he would have saved her from this pain, and let her find someone who would actually love her in the way she needs. I’m going to be real here, he did waste her time, a lot of it. Especially in today’s society it’s harder for women over 30 to find partners
@@CornPopWasABadDude that’s true, it’s really unfortunate but he seems genuine & things are not always black & white. i empathize for him too, but i do wish her well. i hope it works out for them.
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I’m hung up on the fact that they’re telling him to set himself up for success when his wife is still in the dark about everything. They need to work through this TOGETHER. I think it’s selfish for him to prepare himself for the worst when she is still absolutely clueless. And It’s selfish to find an exit strategy when she isn’t given the same opportunity. I agree it will effect them differently but it is going to effect them both and they should start on the same page. The lies need to stop now. Time is precious and he needs to stop leading her on so she can find a true partner.
Preach 🙌🏾. So he gets to set himself up financially, and what happens to his wife? Are we just hoping that the church doesn't shame her and blame her for his coming out. What did I just watch?
@@KhallelaB. She will be the victim so the church will probably not blame her for being tricked. It is a tight knit community so she will have immediate protection and sympathy unless they turn on her as well in some illogical way.
you say him and his wife should work together on this but u forget that he did mention that his wife's views towards the LGBTQIA+ community is opposite to his. u think he'd support him if he comes out as gay and tells her they shud "work on this together"?
@@JamieBleu where I'm from, they'd actually put more blame on the wife than him bcze they'd think she's failed as a woman. She failed to keep her husband and thus she should be shunned. I'm with OP
He literally said if you paid attention, that he thought that getting married would "heal him". Hes not lying, hes scared of the people IN the church and IN his community and how they would react, which is WHY he is in this situation. It not his fault. If he says that hes gay, like he said if you paid attention. He would lose EVERYTHING.
@@bink3814 He doesn’t need to come up but to think that marrying someone just as a experiment that it might change your sexuality is selfish, you shouldn’t get married before you sort those things out, think about what the wife is feeling too
*Hands down one of the best videos Jubilee came out with... loved the unique conversation about spirituality and sexuality* I usually feel like jubilee videos are "I was raised in a religious household and I wasn't allowed to express my sexuality" But in this video, they kind of went hand-in-hand and it was refreshing to see that
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It's all about him,him,him. Imagine the pain she's going to go through . Just try to imagine. She 's lived a lie for so many years , first as a best friend than as a wife . As soon as he'll come out in a matter of months he's going to be fine and probably in love and he'll be part of a very supporting comunity . She will be in pieces for years .
@@paperfoxka and thats not really how it works in religious communities like that. Wives are ostracised for not being able to keep their husbands, even worse if it turns out he was gay.
It's deeply selfish to use someone to hide your sexuality. It's laughable that he claims he's "an honest person". I hope for the wife's sake that he uses some courage, true honesty, and selflessness to tell her.
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But you also have to remember that he’s not in a place where being gay is acceptable. He could suffer a lot from just coming out so I do sympathise with him
@@Yusa_Beach it’s not easy for people to come out as lgbtq let alone in a space which is stigmatises being gay and him loosing everything because of it
@@flavia7130 im saying he wasn't forced to marry someone, he still had a choice weither he was gay or not. I am not stating that he had an option to just come out lgbtq, but for him to marry someone because he was pressured to be straight is unacceptable and unfair to the other person who was with him.
I had a teacher who came out as gay. (There’s actually a story behind it but I’m not going to say that here.) I’ll just say it was a really big scandal. He and his wife had been married for 20ish years and his daughter was a freshman at the high school that I went to. He was our choral teacher and our group felt like such a family and the community we had was unbreakable. When he came out it ripped our choir department apart and even 6 years later it isn’t the same. Of course he and his wife divorced, but he moved across the state and continued teaching choir at another school. He still has a relationship with his daughter, and the last time I saw him he had a boyfriend. I get what Jacob means when he says he doesn’t want to lose his community. I was once apart of that and my teacher was like a father figure to all of us. Sure we might have got a little trauma because there was no information and the administration at the school hated him anyway so they didn’t care how us students felt. My word of advice for Jacob is to find a community outside of the one you’re in, be honest with your family members and close friends. Don’t tell them until you feel safe and you are comfortable. It will work out. ❤
@@clairoswifebecause he’s a horrible person for lusting over men while in a relationship with his wife. He cheated on his wife by thinking and fantasizing about other men. Common sense. How else do men know they are gay while in a relationship with a woman? Obviously he was thinking about other men, he didn’t have his wife in his heart. That means, he’s a cheater and not loyal to her
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He chose the side that sounded more comforting to him, the side that sounded easier, less scary. I think the other side would’ve had a better outcome in the long run (coming from someone who’s doing the same just under lighter circumstances).
JUST LIGHTER. so you don't have a idea of what it's like. from someone under the EXACT SAME circumstances. He was forced into the side that was worse for him...
Okay, but you have to keep in mind, his background being what it is, his physical safety could be in jeopardy. This way, he can do it in the Safeway way possible for both of them.
Why do people do this to each other? So many gay men make the incredibly selfish decision to marry women when THEY KNOW they are gay. They damage someone else's life as though its not as important as theirs....
Although I agree with you, I'm more so worried about his wife and how she'll be able to move on from this. It sounds almost kind of insensitive to ignore the things she might be going through, especially something that he ended up putting her through and she had no control over. I can only imagine how devastated, heartbroken, and lied to she'll feel once she finds out, and especially considering the fact that there's no way she could have done anything to really change it, let alone have any way of knowing the whole time they were together. Unfortunately, it was on him for not being truthful or honest in his relationship/marriage when it started getting serious. Lying to yourself is also lying to others, and inevitably people will get hurt from those mistakes being made, especially in a situation like his. I honestly feel like it will be a lot easier for him (kind of ignoring the guilt part here though) as far as his relationships go though, having been unable to experience passion in his marriage, that could change now and he won't have to feel like he's pretending or hiding anything to anyone anymore.
@@gimmeabreakplease3634 Calm down, you sound like hes toying with her for funsies because he got nothing else to do, but live someones life who doesnt exist
Agreed, it's unfair to her, the longer you wait, the worse the pain will be and the longer it will last. The sooner you are both on the same page, the sooner you can both be happy!
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Could you have an episode, without the real person being present, but present a real scenario and get advice/comments from real people? Like you did for the gay guy episode...
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@@littletwinkiereaders4807
Sorry 1
1
5:14
I’m just gonna say it. It’s insanely selfish to marry a woman knowing that you are gay beforehand. Her feelings and her life matter too, and now she has to suffer unnecessarily because he used and lied to her.
I thought the same thing. I wish the best for his wife, poor girl is in for a shock and a heartbreak.
It’s especially sad hearing stories about women/men with already-born children and basically having already spent several years of their life with the liar.. don’t they think the partner has feelings too?
I don’t give a damn that you’re scared you “might hurt their feelings”. You are taking away the time someone ELSE could be loving that person by living a lie and keeping them trapped in a one-sided relationship.
@@theamazingcake9690 in super religious communities they actually just tell lgbtq people this lie that their sexuality can be fixed, he is also a victim and not the one to blame since it is not his fault he was so brainwashed to the point of making such a decision.
@@cryptical1210 No, that is something you should be open about with your spouse. If you can’t be honest with that person about everything, you definitely should not get married. That is indeed selfish.
@@cryptical1210 You have your opinion, I have mine.
The idea of "the dillema" Is GREAT, can't wait to ser what is coming.
I love this!
Jubilee’s ideas are always incredibly creative.
It's interesting, but the fact they're doing this with a whole group of people at once will inevitably trigger some people in the group to let their choice be influenced by others.
See*
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I feel so sorry for his wife when he finally comes out because if she genuinely loves her husband and cherished thier marriage she will be devastated.
okay and??? blame religion for brainwashing him into thinking he could become straight by marrying a woman. its not his fault. there can be 2 victims in one scenario. there doesnt always have to be a villain
Yeah religion doesn't help the narrative of being yourself at all. I hope he gets healing after this together with his wife.
It's a terrible situation either way. Does he owe her to live a lie to make her happy? Regardless of what he does, someone is going to get hurt. If he stays in the closet, he's hurting himself, if he comes out, he's hurting her.
It would be better if we lived in a society where he didn't feel he had to live a lie
Yeah but she deserves to know the truth
@@Mahogui. It is indeed a narrative yes. Being a bad one, might I add. There are many instances where being yourself or doing what you feel comes naturally to you, is wrong...
And this is why we need a more educated and open-minded society to avoid situations like this.
i 100% agree, but at the same time, religious topics are pretty fragile
No we just need more honest people.
What is your idea of an open minded society?
@@aPeachWhoLovesYeshua One were people do not have to marry someone to cover up their sexuality in fear of being rejected by family, friends, and others. Two people of the same sex getting married is such a huge deal in the mind of the ignorant.
@MW Blame society for priding safety, purity, and innocence over honesty.
I grew up Mormon and I know several people who've had to deal with this dilemma. The answer is ALWAYS "yes" in the end no matter how hard the choice is to come out.
The question isn't "should he come out to her" it's "should he come out to her NOW?" I think that is a much more difficult question to answer.
@@armoredghost918 No doubt. I'm merely expressing my sympathy because I've had to sit through this conversation with several friends. I know it's not a flash decision with immediate consequences and then moving on. It's an excruciating journey from recognition of the task at hand to finding fulfillment in life after the fallout. I don't think anyone in the "yes" box was advocating for a hasty coming out either.
Only time I'd suggest no in the end is if the partner has some sort of terminal illness and only has a year or less to live. Wouldn't want to kick them while they're down
@@chrisandtimothy I'd get behind that.
come out as gay or to her ?? be specific
I love that both the “Yes” option and the “No” option indicated he needed to come out. I agree with the decision to wait and set up a firm foundation not only for himself but also for his wife. Coming out is one of the most challenging things I have ever had to do and is not a simple process. I’m glad he chose to wait and equip himself and his wife with the tools to handle this by going to counseling. Love and support to all involved.
Yeah, no one is gonna be like "don't come out at all, keep lying to your wife." The question was "should I come out NOW," so that was the focus here
I agree as well. It's pretty sound advice for coming out in general. I'm on some LGBTQ+ forums where we get teens who are in the closet wondering if they should come out to their parents, and the older members always tell them NOT to come out if there is risk their parents might kick them out on the street (which is very sadly, a thing that happens more often than you'd think). We tell the young ones to try to wait until they have a backup plan, somewhere else to go stay/live or are able to support themselves financially in case the worst reaction to their coming out happens. So Jacob being in a somewhat similar situation where his entire life is based in and centered around his religious community, it's 100% the smartest move for him to get counseling and figure out a support system for the possible scenario his wife and community all turn on him and cast him out, which sadly is somewhat likely what could happen.
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I think he’d be doing himself and his partner a huge disservice by waiting. There is support out there, and waiting it out is essentially holding onto a huge secret for the sake of others. In my opinion that’s not living an authentic life.
Agreed, as someone who had to come out, it is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do in my life. Everyone should have a plan, a contingency plan for what to do in the event things do go wrong.
Had someone placed on a psych hold because her husband came out to her. Poor thing just cried and cried all day. Never ate, never watched TV, nothing. I felt so bad for her. Despite the fact that it devastated her, she is better off knowing the truth. I hope that she is doing better now
By the way I didn't place her. She was placed at a hospital.
Is she really better off though? What objective criteria makes you think she is better off? To me, seems like shes worse off, crying everyday, depressed, placed in psych ward which may put her career as well as he relationship with others at risk, is the cost really worth it?
@@joesr31
Who knows? Patient goes through a lot of emotions in a 72hr hold. I'm not going to say that ones state of mind for 3 days reflects their entire lives. I'm hoping when she got discharged she moved on with her life and is in a better place. In life you will have bumps along the way
@@joesr31 in short, yes. She is better off knowing now. It would’ve been best if she knew the whole time, but she didn’t and it’s too late now
You ever cried and cried over breaking up with someone? You believe your world, your existence will crumble without them. Then a few weeks or days later you wonder why you was torn up over them.
I was married to someone who is gay, who didn't tell anyone. We were together 7 years. As the years went by things got worse. He was not allowing himself to be himself, which put a lot of misery on him. I was always rejected for wanting intimacy to the point where I lost all confidence and self-esteem. We both were living in misery. At the end of our marriage, he was sneaking out and hooking up with men. He claimed he loved me, I had claimed I loved him, but it ends up being a different kind of love. You cannot change who you are, & both parties are owed the truth and freedom to be who they are. After I filed for divorce, you can tell we are both happier and now have the freedom to be ourselves.
Were you not angry about him claiming to love you while sneaking around with men?
This is literally my biggest fear with my fiance because he rejects me with intimacy 9/10 times, and its ruined my self esteem and I've had worries in the back of my mind wondering if hes just a closeted gay. He can't even get erect for me most of the time even if I'm in lingerie.... its concerning
@@peachyally22 I’m sorry to hear that, wishing you all the best, protect your energy, don’t let him break your self esteem! Have you confronted him about it?
@@peachyally22he’s on grind mode
@@peachyally22 i think you should definitely ask him about it. you dont want to find out 5 years in the relationship or something
Everyone is saying he needs to come out to his wife when he's ready, meanwhile I'm thinking he should divorce her regardless of whether he tells her he's gay because he's wasting her time and playing with her emotions. He can be in the closet and single until he's ready, she didn't ask to be on this journey with him. In addition, if his community because he is gay, he hasn't lost anything, he's gained self respect within himself for cutting people that don't really love him for him. I admit, this is easier said than done because that could be an entire support system. I would advise he tackle that when he's a lot more confident in himself and has a plan for supporting himself.
This is the best take ever
Absolutely
*THIS* , I 100% agree. I slightly empathize for him and his circumstance’s (though it’s really hard to especially knowing that he *knew* he was gay going into the marriage which is just so selfish imo ). But whether he chooses to come out sooner or later, or not even at all, it is so unfair to have the wife continue to be straggled along like that.😕He seriously has to find a way to break things off with her regardless…
@@naylani7790 he just shouldn't invest anymore in their relationship, no purchases and definitely no kids at the minimum
@@peepeetrain8755 and yo let her go with divorce. What heck are you talking about.
I completely agree with Chris at the end, yes he should come out but mentally emotionally and even financially prepare yourself for what comes with it.
YES! financially!!
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Yes, definitely. Anyone thinking about coming out needs to be prepared for the ultimate worse case scenario. It like the gay guy said coming out isn't like ripping up a bandaid because the pain isn't just going to last for a second and suddenly disappear
he can do all that preparing after he broke up with her. He should waste his own time doing all that preparing and not hers!
@@marktaylor4977 that's like trying to find a job while you're homeless it's a thousand time more difficult to do. Unless he breaks up with her without giving her a reason or giving her a made up reason, which in my opinion will be just as hurtful
I feel like people are babying him and the fact that everyone is forgetting about how she feels is beyond. Even sexuality aside, I’ll always feel bad for the person who’s on the other end of a one sided romance especially if the other person knows they didn’t love them romantically.
I’m saying 💯💯🤦🏽♀️
@@official_nadia I disagree, I think many of the people here are concerned for how his wife feels. But ultimately, they’re there to help *him* and his well-being, not hers.
@@Pinkcardss what exactly is his “well-being”?
@@official_nadia to make sure he doesn't come out of this unalive or in an unsafe situation.
@@datekaname2246 oh well, he knew his sexuality before he married his wife so I could care less about his “well-being”. He put himself in this situation so now he has to deal with whatever comes his way 🤷🏽♀️
The girl that was saying he doesn’t owe anyone anything…he made the choice to marry her knowing he was gay and she was not what he truly wanted. It’s not fair to her at all. He needs to be honest and deal with what he did to her. I wish he felt safe to come out before getting married and was able to be happy without destroying someone else in the process.
That girl seriously pissed me off so much. UGH
facts
He made the choice with false information though. He loved his wife and thought he could turn straight. If you are convinced it's a choice then what he did makes sense.
i agree. he literally made the vows to owe her respect, through his own free will.
@@stephaniakingus5417 I personally been told the same you don't owe anyone anything line. And this line came off wrong but I believe she meant that other people in the church who judge him he doesn't owe them anything. But of course to his wife he does owe her the truth but I think she meant publicly not just to his wife. She was on the you should tell your wife's side anyway. 😄
I will be devastated if my husband lied to me about his sexuality. be yourself and don't lie. don't use me to hide your sexuality.
But wouldn't you know lmao. How do you have a full on relationship with sex and get married if you aren't slightly straight
@@Submersed24 parts work the same you know. Gay men still have it and can still get hard if aroused but he probably craves it for himself.
@@Submersed24 you'd be surprised. Take it from someone who came out at twenty eight.
@@user-nf9xm7is3m because you didn't know you were gay or because you just suddenly became gay?
@@Submersed24 dude ppl have been doing that for centuries and still do. i understand in countries where it is illegal, but not so much where it is not. ik there's the risk of losing some family with many ppl so that's obviously hard and I empathize. but take advantage of the resources in first world nations. Ftr, Robert Reed had a wife and kids. He was gay. So was Anthony Perkins. Many men, famous or not, had male 'roommates' and maybe expressed not being interested in relationships. Honestly, the male roommate way is the best way to live happily if you cant come out.
It’s been a few months now… I hope he is safe and loved, and I hope his wife is okay.
I’d also love to hear an update
I hope he's doing as bad as he possibly could, what a piece of garbage human.
@@c00ki3IIIm0n5t3r let me guess, you’re a straight person that will never understand the struggles and oppression faced by society. Stay in your lane fr
Hopefully she is his x wife now
Eff him
It’s so refreshing to know that there are still people in this world capable of showing empathy and human compassion regardless of their own personal convictions.
Thank you for putting my feelings into words way better than I would! ❤️
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im not empathetic towards this because imagine the wife?
@@hotgirleyah9024 Why can't you show empathy to him and his wife?
@@hotgirleyah9024 you fail to see how he was manipulated. he thought he could change bc of how he was raised, he was literally taught that what he is, is wrong, and needs to be fixed. I don't feel any less empathetic for his wife though; they both have my empathy because it's a tough situation for everyone involved. he was manipulated and taught wrong, which caused bad decision making, and his wife got strung in it.
I feel bad for them both. The fact that his internalized homophobia has led to him entering a marriage with someone close to him who he doesn’t love romantically is very unfortunate for both parties. I feel very bad for his wife, but I do understand why he’d feel so trapped in his circumstances. Either way, I hope they both do better. His wife deserves better and so does he. I hope she can find someone who truly does love her and he can find a supportive community.
yeah, it felt weird to me that no one mentioned the fact that he married his wife with the hope of “turning” straight
@@brandonslone8937a lot of us grew up religious let’s be honest doesn’t mean we’re out here marrying people we shouldn’t be. It’s a choice
@@jacqal9922 yeah you're religious area probably doesn't do conversion camps as an actual form of therapy.
This is what I am saying. I’m not part of LGBTQ but preventing someone from this could lead to situations like this and ruin everyone’s life
@@SakuroAlex Did he HAVE to get marriage? Nope, what a selfish prick
I love the diversity of the cast here. You selected people of all varying backgrounds to help provide insight to different facets of life. For many people, people don’t think that LGBTQ sexuality and devout religion don’t clash but in many cases, it does. Jubilee selected people who both came from a religious background to speak to that aspect of his life and LGBT individuals fo speak for that aspect. And everyone was so respectful and concerned.
However, I really do think the longer he waits the more pain he’s going to inflict on his wife. So it’s definitely not something he can take his time on.
But not age wise
I don't completely agree with you on the diversity part. Majority (if not all) were liberal and more than half were LGBTQ. It would be interesting to include someone on the more conservative side just to add a different view on the situation, and someone who is older as they have a bit more life experience. But none the less, a great concept. I can't wait to see what else this series has in store.
I mean, she probably found out because of this video...lol
@@SehriHS Most conservatives are bible thumping homophobes it would be very hard to find one that ALSO is in the closet to their wife.
I think the fact that they are both going to Counselling is a great idea because then she’ll have support too if she’s not comfortable with turning to people in their religious circle for guidance
No matter what he does, he’s gonna hurt his wife. He needs to tell her the truth now. It’s not fair to her or him. Neither one will be truly happy until the truth comes out.
Their religious community doesn´t value truth, that is why they are religious in the first place.
It’s not fair to her*. Fixed your sentence for you
@@blckcommunitycommentator7307 you just wrote what they wrote already?
It’s not fair to the both of them stop being so insensitive
@@vixenwaifu it’s not fair to HER. Read it again.
Waiting to get guidance from a counselor is a great idea. If he does lose everything and everyone, he will already have useful tools to cope with the fallout. His wife will as well. I think it will reduce both of their chances of spiraling. There should be a plan to tell her in the next fee months though to not waste more significant time.
Yeah, I think this is the best answer this this scenario. Do it, but not irresponsibly because of how big a change it will cause.
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This describes it perfectly
Exactly.
To MARRY someone just because you thought it would change your sexuality is absolutely insane. Divorce is such a stressful process, emotionally and financially. What he did was selfish, and whatever may result is due to the consequences of his actions. With that being said, I truly do hope that he and his wife receives the best possible outcome from this.
I agree,this made it seem like it was a lot about him and making sure HE gets prepared, meanwhile his wife is going to absolutely FUCKED so selfish
It was selfish but there could likely have been so much pressure and other things about it we don't know.
@@trixicenby999 It was still a choice. and accountability is nowadays always called for
@@animegodz6981 We don’t know how influensed his choice was. Since its a small little community pressure and influence could have played a part in his descision
@@trixicenby999 he made the pressure worse by getting engaged
Sadly, nobody is considering the wife's feelings in this and I can't imagine the betrayal that she's going to feel knowing he had never been in love with her. His relationship with her is based on a series of lies from the moment he married her. This all could have been avoided.
Exactly they’re only thinking about him cause he’s gay and all he gotta go through but who cares the whole dilemma is about coming out to the wife imagine everything she’s gonna go through
Thank you for having sense. All this could’ve been avoided had he stayed single. They’re to focused on sexuality instead of the lies and time stolen from her.
I think he probably loved her. Just that it's platonic love.
@@wshyangify still the same, you shouldn’t married someone who you know you don’t fully love to be in a relationship with, time to be honest is before you’re getting married. Imagine being friend, best friend, all through childhood through getting married together, and just realizing that the other person never actually fully love you or want to be in a relationship with you, that’s the saddest feeling to have
@@fos1451 Yeah he shouldn't but he did, thinking it could make him straight.
The hug really had me crying. Like I felt it because he so needed that. Sending him so much love.
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@@ItzMalick he doesn’t, he’s a terrible person
I know, I was bawling towards the end. You can tell how meaningful this experience and the group's support were for him.
@@tinagold3395 you cant really know urself too well.. or because of society.. if u wanna say hes a horrible person, then tell that to society whose not accepting of gay ppl, we are not the ones who r free of prejudice like straight ppl. The guy had so much confusement along his way and lost his path, mistakes happen
@@xtianchen7977 i never said ultra religious societies aren’t homophobic. I understand struggling with your sexuality. But as he said in the video, he KNEW he was gay before he even got married. In that case, why get married? Just stay single and figure it out. It’s not fair to the woman in this situation who was lied to.
I feel so sorry for his wife, honesty could have prevented all of this.
This is what a cult does to a weak human.
I mean he most likely had internalized homophobia due to the fact that he grew up in a place where Homosexuality wasn’t accepted and okay.
@@PROVOCATEURSK ?
@@xtianchen7977 ?
@@vixenwaifu being in the lgbt allows people to no longer be accountable, got it
I think it’s kinda crazy how the wife and her feelings weren’t brought up once…
They were..
They were though
Did you actually watch the video? They did mention that.
She's a bigot
6:20
0:20
I like how even No wasn’t a don’t come out, it was develop a plan and then come out.
I liked this video, I’m looking forward to a series.
Yeah, it's the "now" in the question that changes it.
Yeah, that's the point..... did you not listen to the prompt? He was gonna come out anyway, it was just a question of when
yes! more dilemma series show!
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What plan?
I can’t lie to y’all…it kind of bothered me that he married her knowing he was gay and BEFORE marrying her, leaving him time to not be in his current predicament. I’m definitely empathetic to the situation however that was a little lowkey messed up. I mean every situation is different it just sucks that this was his “best friend” and couldn’t tell her the truth.
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LITERALLY, I support gay men 100% but I hate DL men who date straight women and use them knowing damn well what their sexuality is.
Most men see women as props for their lives. They don’t register them as full, breathing people so they have no problem using them for x amount of years until they “find themself” ( AKA they personally can’t live with their lie anymore because of how it affects them)
Its highkey messed up and made me so angry. Men being closeted and dating/marrying women is so horrible. You’re wasting her time and destroying her trust. Its a very selfish act. Sinister even.
@@Rozegolden Extremely sinister. I'm of the opinion that men that do this want to hurt the women in their lives out of hatred. This is not something you do when you love someone. Misogyny runs deep and manifests itself in all sorts of ways, this included, and it must be called out every single time. Our lives are not expendable.
first thing, if his job is linked to the church, he should find another one to ensure his financial safety. Add psychotherapy to this. And THEN, when he can make sure he will be financially and emotionally stable, he can come out
Yeah I agree, he already said he’s been battling depression and guilt because of his closeted status and knows full well he’ll lose his job and everyone he knows. Coming out without a safety plan, he’d most likely take his own life plain and simple. Wishing the best for this guy, hope he can get through this and live his best life
I agree wholeheartedly.
Why do we keep saying “he” like does the wife have no feelings at all? She thought this was the love of her life and he is just thinking about other men
what about his wife ? does she not have emotions too ?
What about the wife? Why are you all so selfish
If he loves her so much, he shouldn't lie to her. It's so horrible for her, I feel very bad for his wife. He's in a hard situation too, but she doesn't know and didn't decide to do this. It's not her fault, but she doesn't deserve this.
I understand the pressure he had, but it's just too wrong.
I think that in this case, it didn't matter to him, because he chose her over his sexuality. But this is also his best friend and the most important person in his life, so he most likely physically couldn't do it. It's a difficult situation, because whether he comes out or not, he genuinely loves her and was never going to leave. Another thing is that he knew her long before, and he didn't meet her in adulthood. When they were friends, there wasn't much incentive to come out, and by the time they realised they wanted to marry, he's gotten too far into this lie, so you can imagine how tough it would been. Her having been his best friend growing up complicates this on so many levels.
@@maxm.m.7219 he isn't showing he cares about her though. if he genuinely cared about her and loved her, he would tell her. him staying in this lie is hurting her and will hurt her
he does not love her. never did. She is nothing but a prop
@@rosie2871The thing is that he actually cares about her and that’s why it’s such a difficult situation. He cares about her and so he doesn’t want to hurt her but at the same time he cares about her in a way where he doesn’t her to hate him or loose her.
If i felt trapped i wouldnt trap someone else with me its incredible selfish. She is at least owed a apology and the truth
7:42 “even ripping off a bandage hurts it’s not a painless process just bcs it’s quick” love that !!
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My immediate thought was that no, it's not painless. But the pain does go away. And in the end, you're going to be glad you got it off sooner instead of keeping it there.
@@ItzMalick ooo imma check it out
It was painless for me like it was literally like taking of a bandage I never had any anxiety or fear never lost anything nothing changed :/
ripping off a bandaid to early will still lead to you bleeding thats why you need to wait for the wound to close before ripping it off
It is easy to tell them "yes" when you have the support of family, friends, and a community.
It is difficult to tell them "no", because even if you want them to come out. The fact doesn't change that that decision could cause them to lose their family, friends, community, and job.
I use to live in a small rural religious town, where just a rumor about you being gay would isolate you. While they should come out eventually, they should feel safe and secure in their decision to do so. It might be only a step toward that, but it's a step they need to take.
Absolutely. "no" doesn't mean never, you do need to be careful with these things
It is selfish towards his wife. He's denying her the opportunity to live with someone who desires her and is attracted to her. He will destroy her life if he continues to drag her and waisting her time.
@@daenerystargaryen it’s not selfish, you need to understand that not everybody has the means and support of coming out and living in their truths.
@@daenerystargaryen It's not selfish...
@@yasdanymendez5989 it is EXTREMELY SELFISH to USE AND LIE TO SOMEONE.
Honestly Jubilee never fails to transform and be innovative - this is such a great idea for a series
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Fr they're constantly raising the bar
This is absolutely terrible.
Too bad. Other UA-camrs will just blatantly steals it from them
Putting myself in the wife's shoes frightens me. It's better he comes out sooner, to prevent any more damage that could be caused.
100% agreed. i hope she's doing okay
But it would hurt ether way.
@@ifireplytoyouurstupidasf it would hurt less if he comes out sooner rather than later. yes, it would hurt either way, but less pain is better
It is never okay to use someone to "fix you". You should never say marriage vows when you know they are a lie. This is such a huge betrayal to the one you love, she deserves the truth and freedom from the lie she doesn't even know she is living.
I understand the incredibly difficult situation he was face with being born into a community that won;t accept him as he is but that in no way excuses his disregarding her feelings and her autonomy to make an informed decision when it comes to her life and her future.
@Atzo
Is there anything we can do to make it better for the community ? I am aromantic straight and deal with self image, and it hurts me. I have friends who are bi or agender or gay, and other sexualities and cant come out or are disrespected bc of it
I think the ones to mostly blame for here are the religious people who push the ideas that it can be fixed. That pretty fucked up honestly
I agree with you, he obviously made a mistake and that's his responsibility. however growing up in an extremely religious anti-lgbt community can do things to you psychologically and make mistakes the majority of people have the privilege of knowing better. If I grew up in the same situation as him, I can't say I would do differently. The thing to take away from this video is that he's trying to live his truth and correct the mistakes he's made.
@Atzo I would love to show more support to LGBT members in Muslim community. I wish them all the best things.
Stop shaming people. You obviously don’t know what it’s like to feel pressured in a religion. Until you do please be quiet
He would need a plan. Housing, financially he’d need a plan in case his job decided to abandon him, a community outside of the one he’s living in. I can’t believe I’m saying it, but take your time
I agree, it unfortunately wouldn’t change anything if he comes out tomorrow vs a couple months from now. The reaction and ramifications will all be the same, but it gives time for him to figure out a plan to set himself up for a future.
So... while his wife is out there being lied to and thinking they are a happy family, planning her whole life with HIM in it, he should be out there taking ALL his time planning on how to leave the relationship and secure his future? He gets to plan everything carefully and think for himself but his wife will be forced to make QUICK choices and will have to find a QUICK way to becoming financially stable once he suddenly leaves her? So basically "f*** her, think about you and you alone". When she is busy trying to get her life in order he would already be set, will probably have even started dating someone else thanks to all HER time he wasted?
@@mimiad397 did you watch the video? he stresses several times near the end that he not only wants to prepare himself, but also his wife. that’s why they’re *both* in counselling. he mentioned he gets one-on-one counselling, and i’m assuming his wife does too. he’s trying his best to make this impossibly difficult situation a little bit less difficult.
@@mimiad397 His wife isn't the one who will lose everything; she already has a support network. And no one said that he should suddenly abandon her either, they can and should work things out together once he does come out, unless she makes the choice to abandon him. That's the whole point of getting counseling. Going through with counseling is also helpful for her in this situation
@@zoeg4213lol I did watch the video thanks for asking and I heard his contradicting comments too.
The fact that he got married when he was already gay is just so hurtful to her
Well look at the society we live in. It's still not 100 percent accepted especially in religious communities.
But thats not his fault, thats the societies fault.
@@vamppooni he didnt need to get married bro yall just give him sympathy cuz he gay
@@cher8721 we gave him sympathy because of how he was pressured by the religious surroundings and made to believe that getting into a straight marriage can “fix” his sexuality, not because of he’s gay 🤦♂️ it’s much more complicated than that.
He has been always gay.
“You are taking away someone else’s ability to live in reality.” PERRRIOOOOOODDDDDDDDD!
It was kind of wrong to get married in the first place if he knew this about himself.
Kind of? Lol it was blatantly wrong
@@mary1stcor15v1-4 yes but once again religious people force gay people to try and "turn straight" and then this is what happens
but he didn’t have a choice
Ridiculous he can even say “I don’t lie”.. his whole marriage has been a lie, poor woman
Coming out should always be when you want if you want. HOWEVER! Do not drag someone else into it, immediately you start hurting someone else who is completely oblivious then that becomes a serious issue for me. Either tell her or if you feel like she won't keep it to herself, then get an annulment and cite another reason for it, just find a way to not waste anymore of her time
That's the worst advice I can think of. If you get an annulment, you're hurting her without even giving reason and being dishonest. At that point you should tell the person.
@@princesscheeni how is that any different from what he's doing now, hurting her and being dishonest, at least with an annulment she can move on even if he's not ready to come out. When he's ready she'll be glad he did it sooner rather than later.
@@cathy4697 An annulment is basically saying that the whole marriage didn’t count. She is someone that he has known for a very long time and has made a deep connection with. To just say, “I’m actually gay, so let’s just pretend that this whole thing never happened” would be incredibly disrespectful. It needs to be handled with more care than that.
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@@fangirl365 it’s already gravely disrespectful like, what does coming out do to her? Tell her that her life with this person was basically a lie anyway. I have zero sympathy for him because he never had to get married. He said it was his decision and he’s about to destroy a home and a family.
It’s one thing to not know and find out later. It’s another thing to KNOW and still marry her.
Exactly so selfish and heartbreaking to the wife
Unbelievable and so so sad
@Luke Did you miss the point that IT'S STILL HIS FAULT?
@@lmaololll8336stop blaming a religion. It’s him who decided to marry a woman. Not the religion
@@truehappiness4UAre you completely incapable of seeing nuance?
@@truehappiness4U When you are made to feel like you have to live your live a certain way, or else your whole community will shun you (or way WAY worse, depending on the situation), you will do everything to convince yourself that you’re not that way.
Yes she deserves to be with someone who loves her and is truthful to her!
Um I definitely think he loves her lol....but yeah she deserves to get on with her life
Yea no he loves her alright just not in the sexually way
Y'all mean in a platonic sense...I think he should definitely tell her. I'm sure nobody would want to waste a decent amount of their time with some undecided fraud.
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@@maddiemaryanne426 he loves her as « friend » it’s way different…
I don’t know if they have kids and all but her life is literally a whole lie… poor girl.
I’m a lesbian and I’ve always silently judged other gay people who enter into straight marriages when they know they’re gay beforehand because I think it’s incredibly unfair to their partner. However, this gave me a new perspective. I can’t imagine the pressure that was put on Jacob growing up in such a religious environment to conform to heterosexuality and to end up in a straight marriage and have a “normal” life. I definitely won’t be so quick to judge after this, thank you for that Jacob. And I really wish you well and hope that things go well when you come out. I hope your partner and family can find it in their hearts to be understanding and that you are safe 🖤
omg this comment gave me so much comfort. I have not married like Jacob, but I grew up closeted and Christian and felt the same pressure. So many of the comments are so judgmental and hateful. I feel deeply sad for him. Thank you soooo much for these words and for being open-minded. There's so many of us queer ppl who have felt like they have to do what he did
He didn't wake up on day and come up with this idea
Myself being a queer person I can 100% say that you should tell her. Coming out is something that should ALWAYS be your choice, IF you want, HOW you want, buuuut the moment you start hurting someone's feelings, lie to them, and wasting their time, It becomes a matter of WHEN you will come out to them. Both you and the wife doesen't deserve any of this
its not rlly that simple though bc there's a chance he could lose his job or his entire community if he comes out
I think he should build a support system before he comes out because he clearly doesn’t have one and that put him in a dangerous situation
you are a transgender
i agree
I agree
“I’m a very honest person, I don’t lie” … except when it comes to the person you married.
Because he wanted to make her and himself happy? He was trying to be a "better person" for her.
@@lucilucid so… that means he didn’t lie about not lying…?
@@lucilucid no, he said he married her BECAUSE he thought it will make him straight, not because he felt it will make her happy. This was his reason
I came out to my super religious and conservative parents earlier this year, after having been in the closet for nearly 10 years. While everyone out there is telling you it's important to live your truth, it can be a major risk (sometimes to your life). I'm glad I took the 10 years though, because I had the the time to become a financially independent adult, with a strong network of friends from the community. My parents took it okay, but it would've SUCKED if I wasn't fully prepared to accept the worst case scenario. I really hope he lays out a plan and it all works out for him.
exactly I'm so glad yours went smoothly, gives hope
I'm so glad your experience turned out well
There is no issue in being gay and coming out but when he said he knew before he married her rubs me the wrong way. That is wrong on so many levels.
Its internalized homophobia. I dont like these gays they are embarrassing us
@avocadorito he should be glad that he is gay. I could never understand why you would want to be near that other gender. So weird
He didn't have to get married tho
you guys live in a bubble, it´s not like he wanted to marry her, but he needs an alibi otherwise he would lose his community, friends and family, it is expected of him to marry a woman
@@sakutaro3musik486 a lot of closeted religious gay men didn't have to marry to make an alibi.
I just hurts to see some people think "he will lose everything" if he tells her.
What about her?
She deserves someone who wants her sexually. If you're gay, you're gay. He's not bisexual or pan. She doesn't have what he wants. She's not there for his "comfort."
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Not just sexually… we all want someone who’s HONEST!
And here since the beginning he married her to protect himself… that’s selfish..
Agreed, it stings so much to pour your heart out for someone in intimate relations only to discover they were doing it to keep up an act at some point. Definitely creates some trust issues with opening up romantically in the future
Agreed. Though I'm sure he already knows that what he's doing is selfish and that's probably why he's trying to get help 'cause he doesn't wanna live a lie anymore and hurt his wife furthermore. I hope the both of them the best outcome in whatever aspect and come into terms with their relationship someday
@@Solip_i OK i'm sorry but the fact that he would be entirely ostracised from his community, family, friends and most likely lose his job if he came out deems him SELFISH?! When he legit said he thought it would change him??? That's such fucked up thinking dude. This is a matter of survival and trying to do what you were raised to do.
Why are none of them considering the wife? She has been lied to this whole time, and no one seems to think he's wrong for that. I can completely empathize with not knowing you're gay until you're well into the marriage, but when you knew before hand, that's just selfish and cruel. It isn't just about him.
If you're in a community where your job is at stake and you might loose your family and friends after coming out, becoming straight may seem like the only option.
I'm not sure if his religion is nessecerily Christanity but if it is, he was probably taught that you can overcome being gay. We know that's rubbish, but for him, someone who seems to have been very influenced by the church, of course he believed he could turn himself straight. He probably would have grown up being told that homosexuality is just a sinful phase and it can be given up like any other sin. So it might seem wrong to us to enter into a straight relationship knowing you're gay, but he may have believed it was just a fact of life that you can change your sexuality.
It's his religion that is cruel and selfish and him and his wife are both victims of it.
@@jgreen7100 well that’s his own fault he should’ve thought about that before lying
What happened is gone. Now at this point it's better he tell her or you know one day he's gonna come out for sure. So I feel it's better if you do it early. Well what's your opinion then?
@@jgreen7100 Ok "become straight" without hurting anyone. Being led on is not fun
@@jgreen7100 he made the situation worse for himself when he decided to get married and drag someone else down with him now he have to face the consequences.
Being honest comes down to consent. His wife deserves informed consent.
The fact that he knew BEFORE he got married. You’re gay that’s cool but don’t hurt this poor women. 😪
He gave his reasoning, when you grow up praying every day that the Gay inside you will go away or even end your life, you try everything you feasibly possible to become straight, you would also go as far as marriage, better if with someone you love, like a friend. So totably understandable, esp in a society that strictly appreciated heterosexual relationships
Yeah, let's just ignore the fact that he was obviously brainwashed into believing that his homosexuality could be "cured". Do better.
@Johannes unfortanetely yes this is what happens when you dont accept yourself just the way you are. These guys are just an embarrassment
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@@ItzMalick I’ll check you out. Thanks!
Love this new concept, especially how it's just one dilemma per episode. I initially thought it'd be like 3 quick dilemmas, but I like that we have a full-length episode so you can really think and figure out your side. I switched a few times during this episode, but mostly I'm just hopeful that he is able to be his authentic self.
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I don't feel sorry for him. He knew he was gay and still went on and married his wife knowing damn well he would destroy an innocent life. This poor woman is going to be devastated
Okay BUT its not his fault that religion tells gay people they have to "turn straight" many Christians will literally force gay people into these marriages
Odds are the mental pressure of his religion and being raised in such a homophobic setting made him think he’d be “fixed” if he got with a wonderful women.
Its truly heartbreaking what religion does to people.
@@vixenwaifu It's truly heartbreaking what the media does to people. Religion actually has a very positive moral baseline, but mainstream media would never show that, specially in ultra liberal & sexualized countries like the USA
@@pabloocampo976 Dude. As someone who’s Bisexual and used to be a Christian, im speaking from a LOT of LGBTQIA+ experiences.
Do NOT act like religion cannot harm, because it does. Maybe not at YOUR church, but at a decent amount of other churches. Not that long ago people were getting sent off to be “fixed” because of churches.
If your not a bad religious person cool, then I wasn’t talking about YOU. However, don’t try to act as though bad religious people don’t exist.
Not gay, you have no say
You’ve already been selfish enough to marry her deceitfully, you owe it to her to tell her so she can get her life back together and experience love with someone honest
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Did you here him. He loves her. But sexually attracted to guys.
Never mind the fact that he was in denial about his sexuality, the pressures of life and the communities we live on is what lead to his “selfish” decision. It’s not a clean cut scenario, there’s a lot we don’t know that could have contributed to his train of thought at the time.
@@justhumanrampai4882 then people have to do the necessary work in themselves, before making a life changing commitment to someone else.
Do the therapy & soul searching before making vows & bringing your baggage to another person.
@@artforchrist5065 there’s more room now to do such but what if there wasn’t then when they got married. Societally, we know better now, there are more resources and paths but it hasn’t always been so. All I’m saying is there’s a lot we don’t know to be simply labelling him ‘selfish’.
It's crazy to see how hate and homophobia, and the idea that you can be "changed" can make victims out of more than just the people it's directed to, leading LGBT+ people to make drastic decisions for the sake of community or survival or both. I feel for him and his wife, I wish them both the best.
I'm late to the video but thank you for saying this. I empathize with them both too. It also breaks my heart to see people in the comments try to portray him as bad.
@@weaverrose6898 Truly, I was glad to see a comment with a more nuanced stance.
@@weaverrose6898 We understand that he’s a victim, but he still did something bad
He basically went into the relationship, assuming his partner could “fix” him, which is fucked. It’s a complete betrayal of trust
@@Milkythefawn I'm not saying he didn't do anything bad. But we have to aknowledge that he wouldn't have done this if he wasn't a victim himself. Show some compassion, that's what this channel is supposed to be about.
Marrying someone with a secret like that, and then deciding later to break up the marriage is one of the worst things you can do to someone.
yeah marrying her might seem like a mistake, but I know people in rural religious communities are under a lot of pressure to get married so I understand why he made that mistake. would it be better not to tell the truth now? i dont think so. I think not telling the truth all your life and not giving them the chance to find someone else to start a family with is much much worse.
@@juniperfox1064 i 100% agree he just got pressured by it and thought that was gonna fixe him. At least he’s gonna come out and tell his wife
i feel this is just a tad insensitive, him growing up religious could have made him feel isolated, and terrible about his true identity. yes he did that but either way he still LOVES the woman, he made no mistakes marrying her. just because his feelings are not romantic but platonic does not mean he is a bad person. he held a huge baggage himself and it wasn’t selfishly, he probably wanted to be accepted and be “normal”. someone can only take so much and like he said he really did marry her just to try and fix himself. that id the cruelest thing. not that he married her, but that he sabotaged himself trying to fit into religious and societal standards. he stated him and his wife have different views on LGBTQ. he clearly struggles immensely and isn’t doing this selfishly.
@@alejandraloc7138 i don’t think he’s a bad person either, but you sadly can’t take away the damage that he has somewhat done to his wife. But I still do believe that the one to blame the most here are the religious people and that he is still a victim himself (just like his wife), and that he got somewhat manipulated and probably thought that since he loved her platonically, he will live her romantically after the marriage. But I still do believe that he probably didn’t had any selfish attention marrying her, but you can’t take away the fact that his wife is a victim, just like him.
He used her for his on believed benift, it's fucked up.
All the people talking about "how selfish it is to marry a woman thinking it'll fix everything" have clearly never experienced being queer and growing up deeply conservative. The denial in being your authentic self is one of the TOP things in these communities, and its completely natural to hope and believe that you'll be "fixed". There is no malice or ill intent there and it's a genuine feeling. Don't be so close-minded and self-centered. We're all navigating life in the way we are raised and the way we think is best. Kudos to this guy for finally making the leap to move forward with his true self.
Law Rence I get what you're saying, but no one forced him to get married to his wife. It was his choice and that is why people are upset.
@@happyblackwoman6154 No one may have literally forced him, but the pressures of his community and the pressure to be straight did. Psychological pressures are real.
Well even if he thought that marriage will "fix" him...was he entitled to use his wife as an equivalent of aspirin for headache? If he thought of marriage as of a solution to his "problem", shouldn't his wife be informed about it? Lying, using a person as an object... There are so bad..
@@lawrence2111 it's still your choice whether you give into the pressure or not. No one held a knife up to him and forced him to marry his wife. He is not a victim.
@@happyblackwoman6154 First off, you don't get to decide that for him, and you don't know what his experience is. Secondly, don't be so ignorant.
I appreciated how he said he was doing counselling not only to prepare himself, but to prepare his wife for the coming out news.
how is he preparing his wife lmao
@@Notactiveanymore899 There are ways you could probably come out. Where it probably won't sound as hurtful. Words have an impact and how we convey those words and use them can make a change.
Tell her. My ex came out as trans when I was 5 months pregnant. If she had told me before, we wouldn't have our son, so I'm forever grateful for that, but I'm glad she finally told me so I could live in honesty.
i have a question if you don’t mind me asking but are you and your ex going to co-parent or no??
@@dee1946 we do! We just tell my son he has 3 parents and when he's older we'll explain the details that his Ba and I are his biological parents and his "dad", my husband, is his parent through love
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@@eveybadwolf love the parent through love or because of love 💕
How tf did a women get you pregnant?
I really feel bad for the wife because she’s probably going to feel used/worthless and as if shes a “test experiment” because he decided to use her selfishly as a beard for years. Not going to lie i grabbed my pearls when he said he knew that before he got married, thats janky asf lol
he knew before he got married but he hoped that he would change when he got married.
Religion.
@@peepeetrain8755 almost allways religion. That's the problem with the church, they think they "converted" them but it's not something you can convert, it's a natural thing that only some people experience
And you basically just summarised the kind of damage that can happen when religion tells you that you can change being gay.
@@Holeros it’s not the same. You are forcing someone else to help change you
@@nic558 On top of it, without the other party's knowledge they're part of what is essentially an experiment. It's one thing if the wife was in on it from the beginning, it's another if she never knew.
this is my worst fear. marrying someone then realizing i wasted years or even decades of my life with someone who never actually loved me
also you decide to MARRY someone because you hope it will turn you straight?? didnt you know that wasn’t true when you dated her for, presumably, years? he knew deep down when he was saying those vows theres so such thing as “turning” straight. i feel so much pity for him but i am so sad that he ruined his wife’s life
@@sweetcheeses sadly we're still pretty far from the day when religious people will understand sexuality is not a choice
@@yiiihaaa___9139with some people, sexuality IS a choice! They choose to become Bi or gay. Some people turn from straight to gay suddenly. In college you see such many cases, it’s getting out of hand. People cheat, people deal with mental health issues etc.
@@truehappiness4U they don't choose, they realise it after years of hiding it to others and to themselves lol
@@truehappiness4U you're one of those blind people the previous comment is talking about.
You would never do anything to hurt her? You already hurt her by having a romantic relationship with her when your gay. Just tell her the truth so she can start to rebuild her life, find a new husband and start a new family while she still has time.
I mean yeah this is really sad for the wife but you have to understand that many queer people find themselves stuck in straight marriages because of social pressure and homophobia. It's a sad situation all around and I feel for both parties tbh
@@愛子-t8n There is no but, it’s sad for her. You can’t justify him causing her pain due to him also being in pain.
@@SexyBibliophile i know but it's not that easy especially when your partner also share the same view on religion as you, he is not ready to coming out to anyone, and if he tell his wife, his wife would tell the family
@@newbabies923 That still doesn't justify it. I feel bad for him and understand what he's going through, but it's so incredibly unfair for her. So much of her life and energy wasted on the wrong person who will never love her. He is 100 percent in the wrong, though obviously it is his homophobic community that has driven him into this wrong. No matter how hard someone's life is, it doesn't justify making other people's lives miserable, especially if they haven't done any wrong.
Religion hurt them both. He gets told day in day out to control his desires and to pray the gay away. This is what happens when you lie to people and tell them they have to be a certain way to be accepted and if they are not, then try harder to fit in. This is what he did, he tried until it was inevitable to deny to himself who he truly is. Let people be. This is the situation for a lot of people, legally even, they can face death penalty for simply being who they are.
This is one of those situations that I can never understand how someone would get into
Watch it
@Sungu Khosa what are u saying it doesn't even makes sense
@@shinchan5700 why not.
@@CommanderCodey because he's gay
Depending on how you are raised up a lot of cultures and religions are very against homosexuality so others suppress/ pretend not to be gay to fit in and conform to there families' beliefs and wants. Also society teaches us that being straight is the "normal" thing
I’m very glad he made that decision, bringing a counselor into it is the best way to do this. That way if worst comes to worst and his family and friends and wife all leave him than he needs to have some sort of outside support. Once he’s confident that he has support and people to talk to he definitely should come out to her as soon as he safely can.
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I feel so bad for his wife. Can’t stand that this kind of stuff is still happening. Women getting their reality uprooted and fed lies. He took so much time from her and she’ll never get it back. Praying for her heart and mind. He’s known all this time and will be prepared and she won’t be 💔
This doesnt only happen to women
@@BecauseIWannaComment I’m focused on the video and the overwhelming amount of incidents where it was a woman who is a victim. Stay focused.
@@lovekaseyk7247 its not his fault that your religious society tells gay people that they can be fixed with straight marriage
@@tacobell1299 but it is his fault that he is a liar who deceives his wife.
@@lovekaseyk7247 no one in that room acknowledged her as a victim they acknowledged him as a victim because of their lgbtq stand (nothing against them)
He knew the whole time he was gay? Dude wtf. He's wasting her time, lying to her and married her under false pretenses. Yeah it sucks for him to, but he's not the one being used
Blame religion.
from this video its clear that he was in denial of his sexuality and that is why he married her so i wouldn't say he "knew the whole time"
@@lookhowshegobbledthat
Blame the people,not religion
I know its wrong but we need to see from his point of view, he thought it would turn him straight and also in religious community, marriage is seen as a must
@@newbabies923 I agree that religion is to blame, but regardless of what he thought, he took advantage of a women. That's not informed or enthusiastic consent. He can be in a bad situation and still be a bad person.
"She's the most important person in my life. I would never want to hurt her." Then why would you marry her? Why put her through this?
The tendency for men to see women as moveable props in their lives can’t be ignored
Because he's been brainwashed by his religion that being gay is bad. A lot of gay people in those communities won't accept their own sexuality.
The truth is in the statement he made. Sometimes fear can be crippling, that along with social pressures and other surrounding circumstances he might to have not disclosed could be what lead him to make those, logically, poor decisions.
💯💯
Because religious homophobia is stronger than you probably realized. He wasn't in a safe or mentally okay state when he married her. Yes, it's a bad move and it's terrible for them, but homophobia is a big problem especially when he's clearly surrounded by it.
This situation disgusts me. Why start a life with someone you have no intention of carrying through with? You’re BORN gay.
It could be that he realised later. That's more common than you think
No. You can't be born gay
Its influenced by your surroundings and people around you
@@nemesisg.5348 True. But this guy said he knew before he got married.
He says it in the video. He thought that if he married her he'd somehow be straight. I'm assuming he thought that is because of the community he grew up. A religious one.
because he grew up in the church lol
And this is why it’s important to be true to yourself. Now you dragged another person into your mess. And you continue to be selfish by not letting her know.
I think he thought it was "his choice" & that he could change through marriage
@@user-ooop yes, this is an especially difficult thing to know about oneself if they have lived in an environment that doesn't accept it.
I haven't watched this yet but my heart hurts for his wife.. I think he absolutely SHOULD tell her but I'm sure she would have wanted to know before she committed to a marriage.. I hope everything works out for them!
Same not trying to sound cold hearted I just feel it was kind of selfish for him to still marry her Even tho he knew he was gay before marrying
@@PennyWise-eu9nz for some reason your comment above isn’t coming up for me I refreshed do you mind commenting it again
@@PennyWise-eu9nz gay people don't think like that at all. it is very unfair of you to generalise
@@PennyWise-eu9nz how is suing gonna help anyone in this situation
@@PennyWise-eu9nz the only reason that some gays marry straight people and end up in this dilemma is because straight people force them into this. If people would tolerate gays then no gay would ever choose a straight relationships for obvious reasons.
Not telling her is a form of hurting her. At some point she will find out, the universe has a way of making it happen. When she does, she would be in a state of hysteria, you should come clean, that's what love is. No matter what she says tell her the truth.
No the only person is hurting is himself
Victim blamer... YOU don''t comprehend what it's like to suffer bc of religion in this way. CONGRATS! I ENVY YOU! he's hurt way worse than she could ever be hurt.
@@Imjustkendall He knew he was gay before the marriage, he didn’t need to get married. Plenty of straight religious men are single, it’s not a requirement to get married. Of course he has religious trauma, but at the same time in doing this he is hurting the person he claimed to love tremendously. Acknowledging the wives feelings is not victim blaming
@@Imjustkendall and if he felt pressured to get married, and was brainwashed into thinking it would “fix him” that still doesn’t erase the fact that the wife will still be hurt. I’m a lesbian/ questioning bisexual so I understand religious trauma, so don’t get me wrong I do feel bad for him- but like I said earlier it doesn’t erase how hurt she will be. Though she is homophobic from what he said, so I don’t feel as bad for her as I would normally
@@kandy1643 Yea, it is shitty for everyone, and I’d agree with you more if ALL the comments weren’t victim shaming this poor guy. Although everyone is overlooking that, the wife is probably NOT in love, these marriages work where both parties are forced into this, so she won’t go through heartbreak
Being an ace person, reading all the comments about how horrible he is being to his wife make me feel a little sad. He honestly believed that his sexuality would change (erroneously), and it's clear he has such a deep and caring (platonic?) love for his wife. He should come out now that he's realized, but I'm not going to dunk on the process of discovery.
me too :/ and as a fellow ace person I went through a similar thing, honestly believing I could change just because of the romantic love I had for the person I was with. but yeah, it doesn't actually work that way lol and just ended up causing a lot of harm than being upfront about it and accepting myself
Im ace too, and honestly I have to say that people don't deserve to be used for your character development. It is cruel. People are so scared of being alone that they jump into relationships before they even understand themselves and thats why there are so many people in loveless relationships and "rejecting" their sexuality, only to realize that they hate their spouse or don't love them in a non platonic manner. Just look at the pandemic and how many couples broke up because they realized they hated spending time together. People in general need to raise the bar when it comes to entering a relationship.
You don’t lead people on into marriage for platonic feelings. That’s fucked up.
@@IrenicCryogenic well put!
Time is something that you can't take back and he wasted somebody else's, he is an evil person.
Fear of losing the people you know and love will make you stay quiet. It's not so easy to just embrace your truth as it seems in media. Everyone is still different and it can be overwhelming when the world seems to have established a set of rules for you to follow.
^
exactly. what these comments don’t realize is there are many societies and religions where homosexuality is punishable, sometimes even by death. and even if it’s not “punishable” there’s still extreme societal and familial expectations in many cultures. coming out isn’t as easy and doable as western media makes it seem
I'm sorry but he's a horrible person. Regardless of whatever he was going through he gave 0 fucks about using that woman
To say "no" is absolutely ridiculous, sneaky, and disgusting.
Cold Blooded you'd be lucky if the easily offended allow your comment to last a week before they try and start an argument with you.
@@happyblackwoman6154 exactly
It made me very angry. His poor spouse is about to go through stress, heartbreak, and feel used.
the bi girl who said no annoyed me because it's not even comparable, when she didn't come out in her relationship it didn't matter because she was still genuinely attracted to her partner, that's not the case with him
As a Christian who grew up in a very tolerant and accepting community and church, it is so sad to realize there are still Christians who feel afraid to live their authentic selves because of how the religious community may not accept them. I wish him all the best and hope his friends and family would surprise him for the best if he did come out
Its not religion, its the people and people seen to forget that.
@@3ialhdb yes but it’s the people IN that religion that make it difficult and they do that bc of their religion so it is also the religions fault. there are plenty of religions/beliefs that do not have bigoted people in it. buddhism for example
You mean they should live in sin?
@@Sixgirlss
Its not religion its the people. It's the way humans have interpreted and spread the word out.
Christianity for example, its the way people have interpreted the bible and chose to carry it like that, that's why nowadays there are lgbt friendly churches.
Religion has been run by humans for a long time and sometimes we can change things to suite our taste.
@@3ialhdb and can you tell me what chirstianity say about lgbt?
How does nobody in this panel mention how this hurts his wife. Date, marry, and love a guy for years and they he just says he's gay and leaves. It's deeply unfair for him to just abandon all the commitments he's made.
Sooo. Stay married?
he never said he's going to leave her :) he loves her
Ehh she’s religious and almost certainly homophobic. No sympathy for her
I think what everyone else is skipping over is the fact that he was purposefully deceptive to another person. He did not have to marry her or lie to her. He took away her choice. At the end of day is not even about him being a gay it's about him being a liar.
Purposely deceptive under threat of ostracization or even violence. Y’all seem to forget how rabid religious communities can be. Stop acting like he took glee in this and not as if this wasn’t forced upon him.
@@PerfectDark0 blah blah blah, it’s not the 18th century we live in 2022, don’t like we’re you live pack up your stuff and move… google safe places for gay people. He chose to live a lie and chose to involve others in that lie. Honestly just awful and a huge waste of time..
@@PerfectDark0 it wasn't. It was a choice.
Exactly
@@PerfectDark0 uhhh, he didn't have to tell the whole world he was gay, all he has to do was NOT marry her! It's It's simple. He is selfish and wicked. The mouth says one thing and actions say another.
It’s very selfish to be like “let me work on myself first before I come out to my wife”
It seems the wife’s feelings were not really considered in this discussion.
Exactly!!
It’s not about working on himself it’s about making sure he’s safe before he does so. I don’t think y’all understand what it’s like to be a gay person surrounded for homophobic Christian’s.
@@kaylgp so your just going to assume the church is just full of homophobes?
@@kaylgp Stop generalizing, Christians arent homophobic, just some homophobes happen to be christen.
@@Notactiveanymore899 He didn’t bring up religion for NO reason. It’s obvious HIS church is homophobic. Stop making people out to be the villain just because you can’t accept that sometimes religion can ruin people’s lives.
This series is so interesting, it’s like watching the thought process that goes on in my own head when I’m making a decision, going back from yes to no and weighing pros and cons. It’s really unique. I love the series. I love this channel truly.
I think a lot of people in the comments are very unfair to him. Living in a religious community is completely different than the secular culture we have. The idea that you should still marry the opposite sex even when you are gay is pervasive. I live in a religious community and this is very common. I have had people confess to me that they are attracted to the same sex, or they loved someone who is the same sex and when I mention that they might be gay they get upset. Its dangerous to be gay in some places or when you are part of a faith. I think he needs to get a job outside of the church, some gay friends and/or support group and then just tell her the truth. If he is Mormon he'd probably get excommunicated.
yes religion is one thing to blame in this situation. but it is not fair to his wife. she will be devastated, not to mention the fact that he literally used her to try and change himself. she was being used. that's not something that she'll just be able to get over easily. he is still at fault.
Being born in a religious household like an arranged marriage at birth. You're expected to marry the opposite gender.
If his life turns to shambles he deserves it.
@@rosie2871 Maybe that women was loved by him more than she ever could, even in the situation how it was. Maybe she even knew all along deep inside…. Why always worse case scenario?
@rosie he is at fault but you have to at least understand the poor dude. Being gay is not easy for people to accept and I feel like this guy wanted to feel accepted. Yes, he's in the wrong and I feel so tremendously horrible for the wife but I understand him. This is a terrible situation for the both of them and I feel bad for both.
At this point I would rather tell her now than drag your relationship on and on miserably, making her feel worse
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“As gay people we get to choose our family” -RuPaul.
Some people are just not going to love you The way You deserve to be loved, & that’s ok. There’s a whole world out of people just like you. Find your tribe, find your family ❤️
You owe it to yourself and your wife to allow each other to be in a relationship where they are truly loved (romantically)
Yo fam I’m an upcoming UA-camr, and I make a range of entertaining reactions, vlogs, and a variety of other content and I’m still working on versatility, and quality but I guarantee you will find something you will enjoy!💛💛💛
"He ShOulDVe ToLd HiS wIfe" tell me you've never had to come out to anyone without telling me you've never come out to anyone.
Doesn't make it any less valid
I've had to come out to people and he should've told his wife
I have the feeling that people are just commenting without actually watching the video. For those who chose "No" it's not, "No he should never tell her" it's "He needs to wait a few months, go to counseling, and come up with a safe way to come out." He really does care for this woman and cares for her safety as well as his own
exactly!
yes
If he isnt ready to come out the fine. But chosing to waste a womans time even more after he has already been doing that for years is disgusting. My mother went through this exact same thing and to this day all she wishes is that my dad broke up with her sooner, he didnt even have to come out to her in order to do so! Women arent toys to be used and then thrown away! its unfair for him to marry a person knowing he is gay, wasting the persons time for years, and now wasting it again because of planing. He got have spent all the time he already wasted on "planing" yet he chose not to, so why is he allowed an extra choice now?
@@PennyWise-eu9nz he believed in his faith and the faith says not to be gay. so in his mind he could have thought it would eventually turn him straight. or sometimes people marry because they know they will be happy living with them forever not necessarily they love them. every situation is different
@@gimygaming8655 it is still wrong. wrong us wrong and forever it will be. Even if it's done with ignorance
Let's think about who's really going to be affected by the revelation that their husband never felt the same about them this whole time but still went through with the relationship
well he loves her & they’ve been bestfriends since childhood. he loved her enough to sacrifice his own truth & the life he gets to live to hopefully live the life him & his wife wanted. also, the religious aspect in this situation is HUGE. he thought his marriage with his bestfriend would turn him straight. both are going to be affected, but only one will have to live with the thought of bringing pain to others around him. there’s a bigger picture than what you see.
@@angelpeezy6721 if he truly loved her he would have saved her from this pain, and let her find someone who would actually love her in the way she needs. I’m going to be real here, he did waste her time, a lot of it. Especially in today’s society it’s harder for women over 30 to find partners
@@CornPopWasABadDude that’s true, it’s really unfortunate but he seems genuine & things are not always black & white. i empathize for him too, but i do wish her well. i hope it works out for them.
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I’m hung up on the fact that they’re telling him to set himself up for success when his wife is still in the dark about everything. They need to work through this TOGETHER. I think it’s selfish for him to prepare himself for the worst when she is still absolutely clueless. And It’s selfish to find an exit strategy when she isn’t given the same opportunity. I agree it will effect them differently but it is going to effect them both and they should start on the same page. The lies need to stop now. Time is precious and he needs to stop leading her on so she can find a true partner.
Preach 🙌🏾. So he gets to set himself up financially, and what happens to his wife? Are we just hoping that the church doesn't shame her and blame her for his coming out. What did I just watch?
@@KhallelaB. She will be the victim so the church will probably not blame her for being tricked. It is a tight knit community so she will have immediate protection and sympathy unless they turn on her as well in some illogical way.
you say him and his wife should work together on this but u forget that he did mention that his wife's views towards the LGBTQIA+ community is opposite to his. u think he'd support him if he comes out as gay and tells her they shud "work on this together"?
@@JamieBleu where I'm from, they'd actually put more blame on the wife than him bcze they'd think she's failed as a woman. She failed to keep her husband and thus she should be shunned.
I'm with OP
@@Reese493 Thank you. Do people think that misogyny doesn’t exist in religious communities??
I can’t believe these people try to justify lying to your wife, your church community and yourself. Smh
He literally said if you paid attention, that he thought that getting married would "heal him". Hes not lying, hes scared of the people IN the church and IN his community and how they would react, which is WHY he is in this situation. It not his fault. If he says that hes gay, like he said if you paid attention. He would lose EVERYTHING.
@@bink3814
He doesn’t need to come up but to think that marrying someone just as a experiment that it might change your sexuality is selfish, you shouldn’t get married before you sort those things out, think about what the wife is feeling too
@@fos1451 I completely agree, but when your brainwashed in the world of religion, you dont know what to do.
*Hands down one of the best videos Jubilee came out with... loved the unique conversation about spirituality and sexuality*
I usually feel like jubilee videos are "I was raised in a religious household and I wasn't allowed to express my sexuality"
But in this video, they kind of went hand-in-hand and it was refreshing to see that
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Jubilee are constantly raising the bar
It's all about him,him,him. Imagine the pain she's going to go through . Just try to imagine. She 's lived a lie for so many years , first as a best friend than as a wife . As soon as he'll come out in a matter of months he's going to be fine and probably in love and he'll be part of a very supporting comunity . She will be in pieces for years .
He also mentioned she’s a homophobe, so I don’t think him being deceptive will be the part that tears her up.
How would he be fine? He stated that he could lose his friends, family, even his job. At the very least she would still have a support system.
@@paperfoxka he 'll have the support of the lgbt comunity and i'm sure he'll soon find a lover.
@@giovannamoro8564 that's not really how it works
@@paperfoxka and thats not really how it works in religious communities like that. Wives are ostracised for not being able to keep their husbands, even worse if it turns out he was gay.
It's deeply selfish to use someone to hide your sexuality. It's laughable that he claims he's "an honest person". I hope for the wife's sake that he uses some courage, true honesty, and selflessness to tell her.
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But you also have to remember that he’s not in a place where being gay is acceptable. He could suffer a lot from just coming out so I do sympathise with him
@@flavia7130 If he wasn't forced to marry then I do think he had a choice.
@@Yusa_Beach it’s not easy for people to come out as lgbtq let alone in a space which is stigmatises being gay and him loosing everything because of it
@@flavia7130 im saying he wasn't forced to marry someone, he still had a choice weither he was gay or not. I am not stating that he had an option to just come out lgbtq, but for him to marry someone because he was pressured to be straight is unacceptable and unfair to the other person who was with him.
I had a teacher who came out as gay. (There’s actually a story behind it but I’m not going to say that here.) I’ll just say it was a really big scandal. He and his wife had been married for 20ish years and his daughter was a freshman at the high school that I went to. He was our choral teacher and our group felt like such a family and the community we had was unbreakable. When he came out it ripped our choir department apart and even 6 years later it isn’t the same. Of course he and his wife divorced, but he moved across the state and continued teaching choir at another school. He still has a relationship with his daughter, and the last time I saw him he had a boyfriend.
I get what Jacob means when he says he doesn’t want to lose his community. I was once apart of that and my teacher was like a father figure to all of us. Sure we might have got a little trauma because there was no information and the administration at the school hated him anyway so they didn’t care how us students felt. My word of advice for Jacob is to find a community outside of the one you’re in, be honest with your family members and close friends. Don’t tell them until you feel safe and you are comfortable. It will work out. ❤
i just am wondering how him coming out ruined his relationships with his students? why does it matter
@@clairoswifebecause he’s a horrible person for lusting over men while in a relationship with his wife. He cheated on his wife by thinking and fantasizing about other men. Common sense. How else do men know they are gay while in a relationship with a woman? Obviously he was thinking about other men, he didn’t have his wife in his heart. That means, he’s a cheater and not loyal to her
@@truehappiness4U you're a bit too much, cheating is not with thoughts. But dishonesty yes sure
His wife should've taken him to court for alimony and bankrupted him for wasting 20 years of her life.
@@TomikaKellyjust out of curiosity what exactly is alimony? How does it work?
Tell me you‘re Mormon without telling me you‘re Mormon.
Ugh imma need a one year follow up on this guy. Wish I could help him coming from a very religious background myself
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He chose the side that sounded more comforting to him, the side that sounded easier, less scary. I think the other side would’ve had a better outcome in the long run (coming from someone who’s doing the same just under lighter circumstances).
I have so much respect for your comment!
@@bryanzoom97 I appreciate that💟
JUST LIGHTER. so you don't have a idea of what it's like. from someone under the EXACT SAME circumstances. He was forced into the side that was worse for him...
I respect this perspective. I hope things turn out well for you
Okay, but you have to keep in mind, his background being what it is, his physical safety could be in jeopardy. This way, he can do it in the Safeway way possible for both of them.
Why do people do this to each other? So many gay men make the incredibly selfish decision to marry women when THEY KNOW they are gay. They damage someone else's life as though its not as important as theirs....
I pray that this guy finds happiness in the end. No matter what he decides to do, I can’t imagine what he’s going through.
Although I agree with you, I'm more so worried about his wife and how she'll be able to move on from this. It sounds almost kind of insensitive to ignore the things she might be going through, especially something that he ended up putting her through and she had no control over. I can only imagine how devastated, heartbroken, and lied to she'll feel once she finds out, and especially considering the fact that there's no way she could have done anything to really change it, let alone have any way of knowing the whole time they were together. Unfortunately, it was on him for not being truthful or honest in his relationship/marriage when it started getting serious. Lying to yourself is also lying to others, and inevitably people will get hurt from those mistakes being made, especially in a situation like his. I honestly feel like it will be a lot easier for him (kind of ignoring the guilt part here though) as far as his relationships go though, having been unable to experience passion in his marriage, that could change now and he won't have to feel like he's pretending or hiding anything to anyone anymore.
@@gimmeabreakplease3634 Calm down, you sound like hes toying with her for funsies because he got nothing else to do, but live someones life who doesnt exist
@@pwofiejdyeehao1173 everything they said was correct you just dislike women
@@pwofiejdyeehao1173 except he actually is toying with her and now he is planning when to throw that toy away
@@carolcity1919 no .... we dislike the patriarchy , we dislike religion because it's the reason why he got into this mess in the first place
So many straight people in the comments who don't have religion upbringings and who don't know how it feels and say "he played her".
Exactly. There's a bigger issue here that most seem happy to overlook. Religion sure is a touchy subject...
Agreed, it's unfair to her, the longer you wait, the worse the pain will be and the longer it will last. The sooner you are both on the same page, the sooner you can both be happy!
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Id want to know she could have her own happiness he not only guy. She can start new life so can he, the truth will always be my first choice.
Did you not listen to a single thing he said in the video???