As an abused woman I have to say, your advice for this woman is so right on! It makes me cry to know that Maddie would speak up and provide that safe place for her mother-in-law. Be brave Maddie!!
Since this couple is in their 70s, I wonder if it's possible that the abuse has started later in life due to the husband's mental state? I had a cousin who was married for 40+ years, her husband (seemingly out of the blue) starts drinking and cheating on her, they were in their mid 60s, early 70s. It was like his personality just completely changed. My grandfather also became more aggressive as his dementia started. He would say mean things or sometimes push my grandmother, and he was never physically aggressive towards her before that. Regardless, I hope this woman can find a way to help her mother-in-law.
Thank you for saying that I was thinking the same thing. Especially if her son and maybe the other siblings, didn’t notice anything growing up because I’ve known of this happening with other couples as they’ve aged.
My Dad was always very calm and easy going. 5 years before there were any other signs of dementia, we started seeing sudden flares of temper. Things like road rage and bursts of anger blaming people for "messing with him". Nothing physically violent. But if someone was "strict" or a "runs a tight ship" type of personality, I can see it escalating to violence when they start becoming confused and frustrated and losing control. Seriously this needs to be looked into.
Yes, 100%. Also part of other diseases like Parkinson’s. This would explain why the son seems clueless as to the abusive situation, it may very well did not happen when he was young and in the house. Also explains why the mother may excuse it so much. There is never an excuse for abuse but I would have a family meeting (without the father) before calling the cops for sure. See if other family members have noticed anything off with him.
If you suspect abuse, step up and say something, do something. You don't have to have proof, you don't have to know for sure, that part of it isn't your job. You only have to suspect, and get help.
One thing to add...as someone who has lived with an abuser...is to have her make a safe word...one she can call you up in conversation..and drop if she needs help. ...ie.."broccoli". Or "parachute"...what ever word she decides...and you know.... Her husband may not let her have alone conversation...and this can be an discreet call for help.
Instead of threatening to go to the police ….can you tell a victim that” if this happens again, I want you to know I’m going to help you get help for this” and leave the exact solution out of the picture? I’m not saying you won’t involve the police, but maybe not say those exact words. Most victims are so terrified of the police, or they would have called them, themselves.
I agree yes, she needs to say that she’s available if her mil needs assistance. But sometimes the violence will escalate after a welfare check…the abuser will threaten them if they talk about it again. So situations like this need to be handled carefully.
This couple has been married for 50 years. In 1972, the availability of resources to help an abused woman were few and far between, especially in the Midwest. Perhaps this couple was each raised in households where the man of the house literally ruled with an iron fist, so they simply fell into the same rhythm (I believe the caller said her husband mentioned this behavior). Let’s take a moment to praise this caller’s husband for stopping this behavior from moving one more generation into his own family. The caller’s MIL needs help, but may be too ashamed or simply too frightened of the consequences to report domestic violence, because this is totally opposite of the facade they have created for their community’s eyes. I agree that the caller should sit with her MIL and share her opinion of what she believes is taking place, and that she’ll offer help for resources. This has got to stop. It would be great to have the caller’s husband involved to offer help to his mom, and then have a sit-down with his dad to outline what’s going to happen if this continues. Getting the other siblings involved will help remove the sole burden from this one son.
Abuse is soooo common these days. Your husband would know if she was being abused or not. You can hide it but you can’t hide it so well from those close to you. He would definitely know. Your mother-in-law has to choose to leave. At the same time, she needs somewhere to go so you can open up your doors for her. Also, you said your father-in-law was strict. There is also emotional abuse. I don’t think it happened out of thin air. Abuse takes many forms. And if your mil is being abused you should offer help bcs her quality of life is awful. I hope you follow through with this rather than let it sit on the back burner like your husband chooses to do. He probably grew up thinking this was normal between married couples so he might not have this click in his mind where he recognizes it as abuse. Otherwise he is choosing to ignore….but he would know. You can’t hide the yelling, you cannot hide the mom crying, even the sound from a slap….kids are not stupid. Glad you at least care. Awful when being abused and your closest loved ones treat it as okay rather than step in.
Sounds more like Pops is developing dementia and suffering from the initial personality changes that come with that, including anger, and being combative and abusive towards others, either way I cannot believe this lady's family has not saved her from the abuse, that is a disgrace! Dementia can start with personality changes, before the memory and cognitive impairment is really noticed. If this whole abusive, yelling stuff is new, then it isn't criminal, its that pops needs some help and medication, and eventually placement as the disease progresses.
Lmao you made up a whole scenario in your head even though the caller never said that it’s crazy. You don’t know if he has dementia it called just be abuse which is common.
It’s also possible that she is developing symptoms and he’s struggling to keep her safe. A wrist bruise could come from her attempting to harm herself again and him preventing her. Regardless, they need help.
My husband’s grandparents lived in a senior residential community for a number of years. The staff became aware of bruises on his grandmother arms, which she explained away as stumbling over a rumpled rug, or bumping into a chair, just being “forgetful and unaware” of her surroundings. Then, there was the black eye. It turned out that her husband was descending into dementia, where he began experiencing episodes of confusion and anger that he was unable to remember certain things, and he was becoming frightfully aware that he was unable to follow conversations or keep a train of thought going - especially in the later afternoon. She explained it away as him being “tired” or sad that his friends were succumbing to illnesses and death was always present. He would get frustrated with her, claiming she was intentionally being obtuse, difficult, stubborn, etc., so he’d “push her out of the way” just as he was leaving the room in frustration. His “push” was actually a slam into the wall, then an added backhand slap across the face. The staff was instructed by my husband’s aunt to separate them, placing him on a different floor in his own room where he could be more carefully monitored and cared for. Her mental outlook quickly improved, as she was no longer his verbal or physical punching bag. He mentally lost nearly all thought of her, eventually believing that she’d left him for another man, even though she visited with him for several hours every single day until he died.
@@EmpressMermaid I understand the caller being confused. I just don't understand why Delony allowed for half the call to be spent on questioning whether it is or isn't abuse when it clearly is abuse.
When I was a child, I used to dream that someone would come along - an adult - who would see that I was talented or special, and convince my parents to let me go away to some special place where I could learn and become special. I prayed for this all my childhood and teen years because I was being neglected and abused. Of course, no one cared - my teachers saw me with my crazy untrimmed hair, clothes that didn't fit, homework unchecked or not done, and those teachers simply laughed with the other kids who teased and bullied me, and through my entire life I have been nothing but a throw away. Unwanted, unloved, ugly, stupid, good for nothing. People don't care, if you aren't pretty, sweet, blonde and blue eyed, you are not wanted. If you are ugly, awkward, brown, you don't matter.
Am So sad you had to live like that! I was also was painfully shy..and not well put together.....always felt invisible...did horribly in school. You had so much more to "climb through".
i would also offer her phone numbers for the local abuse shelter specialists, tell her to come to the house if she is afraid and also give her a code word to call you with to let someone know she is in danger
This abuse might have been escalating all these years, the yelling getting worse, to throwing punching, breaking, to finally laying his hands on her. Sometimes physically abuse comes about very slowly. I would not at all be surprised if there was sexual abuse as well and if when the physical abuse started/started getting more scary and severe is why she tried to escape and then tried to kill herself. I really, really hope that the daughter in law was able to get her away and get her help and that she's safe now. I really just feel like crying listening to this because it so terrible. She bore that man children and stayed by him for fifty years and yet his evil heart craves abuse, craves subjucating, humiliating, and literally harming the woman he vowed to love and protect. It's heinous and turns my stomach.
I think the MIL is being abused. It wouldn’t surprise me if this is a family “trait” that is passed down. Abusive behavior seems normal. My ex-husband’s family has the spaghetti story. Grandpa got mad at Grandma and threw a plate of spaghetti across the room and onto the wall. Sometime after I left my verbally abusive ex-husband, I was contacted by his first cousin’s wife. She was seeking help for her divorce from her physically abusive husband. Grandpa was abusive to Grandma and the kids. At least two of those children became verbally and physically abusive. At least two of the grandkids became verbally and physically abusive. (My ex and my cousin’s ex.). The abuse seemed normal. While talking with my cousin-in-law, I learned about how many times my ex-father-in-law had his nose broken by his dad. I also learned how my ex-father-in-law’s brother was physically abusive to his wife and kids. I knew things were bad , but not that bad. This woman’s MIL will leave when she’s ready. Here are some books that helped me: The Verbally Abusive Relationship, The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change, and Controlling People. All books are by Patricia Evans.
My daughter is mixed and people don’t believe im her mom. They always ask her if she’s ok or whatever they say..It’s annoying but im ok with it . I’d rather them check. Even if they assume I snatched her lol
That’s cool that you can take those kinds of comments in stride and see them as people looking out for your kid. But I’m also sorry you hear so many racist comments
She (the caller) needs to be careful, if her husband is playing dumb, or doesn't see an issue, one day her man might start exhibiting the behavior of the father towards her.
There's a good chance if something happens to the mother in law, it will be made to look like an accident by the abuser. Or, if she vanishes, where she has a history of running away, the abuser will tell the police she left voluntarily. If anything happens to the MIL, it will be staged in a way by the abuser that will most likely allow him to get away with it. Please don't let this person get away with it. Document everything and follow Dr. D's advice. Wishing all the best to Maddie, hope it all works out.
Isn't 50 years of abuse enough suffering for the poor woman. That son needs someone to give him a good shaking.
Someone shake that damn son!!!
I need a follow up on this. What a blessing for this lady to have a daughter-in-law who cares for and loves her.
An IRL Ruth 🥺❤️
If only we all had someone like this lady or the Dr. in our lives, willing to stick their necks out to help someone.
As an abused woman I have to say, your advice for this woman is so right on! It makes me cry to know that Maddie would speak up and provide that safe place for her mother-in-law. Be brave Maddie!!
Since this couple is in their 70s, I wonder if it's possible that the abuse has started later in life due to the husband's mental state? I had a cousin who was married for 40+ years, her husband (seemingly out of the blue) starts drinking and cheating on her, they were in their mid 60s, early 70s. It was like his personality just completely changed. My grandfather also became more aggressive as his dementia started. He would say mean things or sometimes push my grandmother, and he was never physically aggressive towards her before that. Regardless, I hope this woman can find a way to help her mother-in-law.
I was thinking of onset of dementia. This is common in up to 20% of newly diagnosed dementia cases.
Thank you for saying that I was thinking the same thing. Especially if her son and maybe the other siblings, didn’t notice anything growing up because I’ve known of this happening with other couples as they’ve aged.
It’s good that she’s concerned and getting the tools on what to do to appropriately interject.
she could also call adult protective services, and they will make a welfare visit.
Yes!!
Anger and violence can be very early signs of dementia. If there isn't a history of abuse perhaps the children will look into this perspective.
I agree, that should be looked into like that I’m surprised John didn’t say that
My Dad was always very calm and easy going. 5 years before there were any other signs of dementia, we started seeing sudden flares of temper. Things like road rage and bursts of anger blaming people for "messing with him". Nothing physically violent. But if someone was "strict" or a "runs a tight ship" type of personality, I can see it escalating to violence when they start becoming confused and frustrated and losing control. Seriously this needs to be looked into.
Yes, 100%. Also part of other diseases like Parkinson’s. This would explain why the son seems clueless as to the abusive situation, it may very well did not happen when he was young and in the house. Also explains why the mother may excuse it so much. There is never an excuse for abuse but I would have a family meeting (without the father) before calling the cops for sure. See if other family members have noticed anything off with him.
Unfortunately the sons are cowards.
100%! What happened to them wanting to protect their Mother? My Father tried to hit my Mom a couple times and he was checked in an instant!
Report it immediately to APS Adult Protection Services. Totally confidential.
Not ok to allow abuse to continue on any level
If you suspect abuse, step up and say something, do something. You don't have to have proof, you don't have to know for sure, that part of it isn't your job. You only have to suspect, and get help.
One thing to add...as someone who has lived with an abuser...is to have her make a safe word...one she can call you up in conversation..and drop if she needs help. ...ie.."broccoli". Or "parachute"...what ever word she decides...and you know....
Her husband may not let her have alone conversation...and this can be an discreet call for help.
Absolutely this
Instead of threatening to go to the police ….can you tell a victim that” if this happens again, I want you to know I’m going to help you get help for this” and leave the exact solution out of the picture? I’m not saying you won’t involve the police, but maybe not say those exact words.
Most victims are so terrified of the police, or they would have called them, themselves.
I agree yes, she needs to say that she’s available if her mil needs assistance. But sometimes the violence will escalate after a welfare check…the abuser will threaten them if they talk about it again. So situations like this need to be handled carefully.
This couple has been married for 50 years. In 1972, the availability of resources to help an abused woman were few and far between, especially in the Midwest. Perhaps this couple was each raised in households where the man of the house literally ruled with an iron fist, so they simply fell into the same rhythm (I believe the caller said her husband mentioned this behavior). Let’s take a moment to praise this caller’s husband for stopping this behavior from moving one more generation into his own family. The caller’s MIL needs help, but may be too ashamed or simply too frightened of the consequences to report domestic violence, because this is totally opposite of the facade they have created for their community’s eyes. I agree that the caller should sit with her MIL and share her opinion of what she believes is taking place, and that she’ll offer help for resources. This has got to stop. It would be great to have the caller’s husband involved to offer help to his mom, and then have a sit-down with his dad to outline what’s going to happen if this continues. Getting the other siblings involved will help remove the sole burden from this one son.
I admire this caller. Two things may happen: the family may turn against her. Sometimes the abused person will not leave.
Abuse is soooo common these days.
Your husband would know if she was being abused or not. You can hide it but you can’t hide it so well from those close to you. He would definitely know.
Your mother-in-law has to choose to leave. At the same time, she needs somewhere to go so you can open up your doors for her.
Also, you said your father-in-law was strict. There is also emotional abuse. I don’t think it happened out of thin air. Abuse takes many forms.
And if your mil is being abused you should offer help bcs her quality of life is awful.
I hope you follow through with this rather than let it sit on the back burner like your husband chooses to do. He probably grew up thinking this was normal between married couples so he might not have this click in his mind where he recognizes it as abuse. Otherwise he is choosing to ignore….but he would know. You can’t hide the yelling, you cannot hide the mom crying, even the sound from a slap….kids are not stupid. Glad you at least care. Awful when being abused and your closest loved ones treat it as okay rather than step in.
These days? Do you think per Capita it is more or less prevalent than in previous time periods?
Call the authorities now! He will do it again.
She drove away What else do you need to know? The poor woman is trying to get away from this abusive relationship take a stand.
One of these kids needs to just show up and tell her (the mother) to pack a bag and let’s go!
aaaaabsolutely!
Let’s hope she took that advise and helped the MIL…
Sounds more like Pops is developing dementia and suffering from the initial personality changes that come with that, including anger, and being combative and abusive towards others, either way I cannot believe this lady's family has not saved her from the abuse, that is a disgrace! Dementia can start with personality changes, before the memory and cognitive impairment is really noticed. If this whole abusive, yelling stuff is new, then it isn't criminal, its that pops needs some help and medication, and eventually placement as the disease progresses.
Lmao you made up a whole scenario in your head even though the caller never said that it’s crazy. You don’t know if he has dementia it called just be abuse which is common.
So true, this is strong possibility
Not unlike Biden. He has always had that gangster fantasy but you hear it a lot more now.
It’s also possible that she is developing symptoms and he’s struggling to keep her safe. A wrist bruise could come from her attempting to harm herself again and him preventing her. Regardless, they need help.
My husband’s grandparents lived in a senior residential community for a number of years. The staff became aware of bruises on his grandmother arms, which she explained away as stumbling over a rumpled rug, or bumping into a chair, just being “forgetful and unaware” of her surroundings. Then, there was the black eye. It turned out that her husband was descending into dementia, where he began experiencing episodes of confusion and anger that he was unable to remember certain things, and he was becoming frightfully aware that he was unable to follow conversations or keep a train of thought going - especially in the later afternoon. She explained it away as him being “tired” or sad that his friends were succumbing to illnesses and death was always present. He would get frustrated with her, claiming she was intentionally being obtuse, difficult, stubborn, etc., so he’d “push her out of the way” just as he was leaving the room in frustration. His “push” was actually a slam into the wall, then an added backhand slap across the face. The staff was instructed by my husband’s aunt to separate them, placing him on a different floor in his own room where he could be more carefully monitored and cared for. Her mental outlook quickly improved, as she was no longer his verbal or physical punching bag. He mentally lost nearly all thought of her, eventually believing that she’d left him for another man, even though she visited with him for several hours every single day until he died.
Thank you thank you thank you for this! We need to open our eyes to people who need help.
Her husband is a coward
I can never he attracted to a man who sees abuse in his family and does nothing. I would push him to man up or else I will leave him.
Agreed. I couldn't stay married to a man like that. This is sad all around
@@bisi1980 YES
Boys don’t want to diminish the reputation of their father
Maybe boys...men don't care.
How is this not abuse? Confused why this is even being questioned.
It is abuse. It's just that in some families everyone becomes blind to what us sitting right in front of them. Sad really.
@@EmpressMermaid I understand the caller being confused. I just don't understand why Delony allowed for half the call to be spent on questioning whether it is or isn't abuse when it clearly is abuse.
When I was a child, I used to dream that someone would come along - an adult - who would see that I was talented or special, and convince my parents to let me go away to some special place where I could learn and become special. I prayed for this all my childhood and teen years because I was being neglected and abused. Of course, no one cared - my teachers saw me with my crazy untrimmed hair, clothes that didn't fit, homework unchecked or not done, and those teachers simply laughed with the other kids who teased and bullied me, and through my entire life I have been nothing but a throw away. Unwanted, unloved, ugly, stupid, good for nothing. People don't care, if you aren't pretty, sweet, blonde and blue eyed, you are not wanted. If you are ugly, awkward, brown, you don't matter.
Am So sad you had to live like that! I was also was painfully shy..and not well put together.....always felt invisible...did horribly in school. You had so much more to "climb through".
I’m sorry, I hope you’re in a better place today
She can file a vulnerable adult report
@sharlynlobo6962 I wish the best for you. You are not ugly. We are all made in God's image. Random ebony girl here.
Sending you love sister. I feel you and I hear you 💙
This was a great video with great advice. Thanks dr. John
Right! Absolutely right. Nearly always.
Rather ask to much than too less.
i would also offer her phone numbers for the local abuse shelter specialists, tell her to come to the house if she is afraid and also give her a code word to call you with to let someone know she is in danger
Good for you Maddie. Stay strong.
Dr .John I liked how you explained intuition
This abuse might have been escalating all these years, the yelling getting worse, to throwing punching, breaking, to finally laying his hands on her. Sometimes physically abuse comes about very slowly. I would not at all be surprised if there was sexual abuse as well and if when the physical abuse started/started getting more scary and severe is why she tried to escape and then tried to kill herself. I really, really hope that the daughter in law was able to get her away and get her help and that she's safe now. I really just feel like crying listening to this because it so terrible. She bore that man children and stayed by him for fifty years and yet his evil heart craves abuse, craves subjucating, humiliating, and literally harming the woman he vowed to love and protect. It's heinous and turns my stomach.
I think the MIL is being abused. It wouldn’t surprise me if this is a family “trait” that is passed down. Abusive behavior seems normal. My ex-husband’s family has the spaghetti story. Grandpa got mad at Grandma and threw a plate of spaghetti across the room and onto the wall. Sometime after I left my verbally abusive ex-husband, I was contacted by his first cousin’s wife. She was seeking help for her divorce from her physically abusive husband. Grandpa was abusive to Grandma and the kids. At least two of those children became verbally and physically abusive. At least two of the grandkids became verbally and physically abusive. (My ex and my cousin’s ex.). The abuse seemed normal. While talking with my cousin-in-law, I learned about how many times my ex-father-in-law had his nose broken by his dad. I also learned how my ex-father-in-law’s brother was physically abusive to his wife and kids. I knew things were bad , but not that bad. This woman’s MIL will leave when she’s ready. Here are some books that helped me: The Verbally Abusive Relationship, The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change, and Controlling People. All books are by Patricia Evans.
My daughter is mixed and people don’t believe im her mom. They always ask her if she’s ok or whatever they say..It’s annoying but im ok with it . I’d rather them check. Even if they assume I snatched her lol
That’s cool that you can take those kinds of comments in stride and see them as people looking out for your kid. But I’m also sorry you hear so many racist comments
@@calebburghardt3391 how is it racism?
She (the caller) needs to be careful, if her husband is playing dumb, or doesn't see an issue, one day her man might start exhibiting the behavior of the father towards her.
They have been 20 years. If her husband was an abuser it would have started long ago.
The son is a coward! I could never be married to a coward! This should be a wakeup call for the caller to realize whom she's married to.
There's a good chance if something happens to the mother in law, it will be made to look like an accident by the abuser. Or, if she vanishes, where she has a history of running away, the abuser will tell the police she left voluntarily. If anything happens to the MIL, it will be staged in a way by the abuser that will most likely allow him to get away with it. Please don't let this person get away with it. Document everything and follow Dr. D's advice. Wishing all the best to Maddie, hope it all works out.
Delony, e-mail at your website link isn’t working.
They always go back to their abuser.
First
🍪 🥛
Delony, e-mail at your website link isn’t working.
Delony, e-mail at your website link isn’t working.