A lot of people in my family try to be “kind” and end up having emotion or opinions bubble up in the form of passive aggression and most of the time they have no idea that they’re doing it or how obvious it is.
Almost like a Fruedian slip, stress can do that unfortunately... If you're an empath these things can be quite obvious, careful not to bring it to the dinner table 1 on 1 is the way to go.
I hate it when someone is constantly breathing heavily [i.e. constant heavy sighing] to show disdain. It *infuriates* me. Like, if someone wants to tell me what's up, they should just tell me verbally and upfront. I hate playing these stupid games. And I also hate it when the most manipulative people, especially coworkers, put up a nice, playful act, only to turn around in 5 min to attack you, report you, or yell at you for some insignificant thing that occurs (while they themselves constantly commit literal crimes in the workplace without consequence). That's how I learned to simply keep a straight face no matter their mood because I don't trust them. I let them know that I have no desire to talk to them or play niceties. Like a little polite "f*** you" before they start their day ready to manipulate me.
I once had someone doing the most aggressive passive aggressive thing I'd ever seen to me at work - going into our team spreadsheets (logs of what we did) and deleting my entries. I was only able to track it down using the cell edit history and showing it directly to my manager. Of course when confronted "it must have been an accident" but never happened again after months of this. Some people suck
My coworkers in nursing are such vindictive b*stards. Thank goodness that we happen to have an online database where we enter our documentation that our coworkers cannot simply delete since there is password barriers. But nonetheless, my coworkers were constantly missing drug passes in their rounds, and when they have to investigate the controlled substance list for the missing signatures, they somehow always find a way to blame me even though I am very punctual and never miss anything in my rounds. These people even tried to blame a death on me despite it not even being my fault. The last thing they attempted was to blame a missing wound care on me despite it being known it fell upon the previous nurse (one who never even passes meds) to do it. That place was capital C _cutthroat._ And they always expected a "teamwork" environment, which only means cover for each other on stupid or plain criminal negligent actions. I'm glad I left that job on good terms with the only boss that actually cared and I kept my license intact, because believe me, the entire time I was there, they tried to get me in trouble every single day. I hate nursing, but it's all I have. And no unions here in America. Land of the worker, amirite?
One of my coworkers will tamper with logs of people she hates as well. Worst thing is, I work with animals and it can directly effect their health (like with literal health charts).
@@thenewkalpa my goodness, I’m very sorry for what you experienced. I have someone close in my life who also works in nursing. They always get unfair criticism (just shouting angrily, blaming on underlings, no constructive suggestions…) from their manager, despite they have done their best in their position without major errors. The person I know has gone through major mental health issues because of this toxic work environment, but they don’t have other job options to do. It always blow my mind how toxic the field of nursing can be, and not all people are in the sector to help patients/clients/greater good. It’s very weird. I’m glad you’ve gone out of this toxic environment and had moved on.
I had a terrible day at work today. I'm working in a small manufactury company as the only engineer and have to deal with 2 bosses on daily basis. One is complaining about everything and ignorant af, the other one is passive agressive af. I really needed that meditation. It really made my day better. Couldn't be a better timing to come across to this video. Thanks Dr K.
@@andrzejkowasz well I wouldn't stay for a second if I had better opportunity. Just today, after bad day, the primary school graduated ignorant boss shouted at me for 5 mins straight for answering his stupid question with irony. I guess I'll resign soon.
I was once told that i was being passive aggressive, once I noticed it myself I was really fascinated and have wanted to learn how to not be passive aggressive and also how to handle those who are passive aggressive towards me. Really interesting video idea, thanks Dr.K!
I'm no professional, but if it was only one time, and when you question the people around you no one says the same, I'd think it has more to do with the person who told you that than with you.
Once you notice certain behaviors of yours and start to question them a little, they're fascinating because you don't really know the reason that you felt/thought/said/did a certain thing, but you did it anyways. "How can I feel a certain way and not know why I felt like that?" "How can I say something and not realize why I said it?" It breaks the implicit assumption that we are aware of why we do everything we do. Like, if we asked someone why they did a certain thing and they answer "I don't know", most people would be like "how can you do something and not know why you did it?!"
@@gustavocraque10 yeah true it was only that one time and it was a pretty tense situation because I had to remove someone (fire them) from thier position in a group. But still, I realised that i was being a bit passive aggressive too, maybe because it was a stressful situation for me too?
@@WanderTheNomad very great analogy, reminds me of meditating, this is basically the goal I set for myself. Why do we react to things? Why do we have emotions? Truely fascinating.
I struggled with anger as a kid and had to curtail that into being conflict avoidant and passive aggressive. It's taken me a long time but I've gotten a lot better with it now. I generally just use my high level spec ops defensively.
@@Tarso333 I don't, it was channeled into being passive aggressive. Having acted out like that you tend to identify and empathize with those same feelings, and you can apply some of the methods Dr. K points out in the video to basically make it not a problem for you by calling them out tactfully or deflecting their passive aggression onto others. After that the anger can kinda get rationalized away once you can see yourself in their shoes, having been there before.
The thing about the allowance situation hit way too close to home. I didn't realize such a situation was so common. My mom would be really passive aggressive and even straight up nasty to me if I did something she didn't think was "responsible", like spending money on something I wanted and not "saving it for the future", as if a $60 video game was going to be the difference between me affording college or not. I grew up pretty responsible and mature, making good grades and respecting her as a parent, but it was never enough, me simply wanting anything other than what I already had was a problem to her.
i have a friend like this, he's difficult to deal with when he's upset bc he just becomes defensive. Even if we tell him we can tell that he's upset and he can just tell us how he feels instead of being passive aggressive, he gets offended at the mere insinuation that he's upset. The best thing we found is to give him space to cool off
Saying something like "I can see that you're visibly upset", can be interpreted negatively. It's like someone saying, "calm down" or "just relax". It almost never goes well - almost belittling if that makes sense?
@@abovetheaverage9962 true! The negative part is that this train of reasoning is used for people who have become someone who you have to "deal with". Its a difficult situation when you have to start using ways of thinking like that on your friends, instead of just being honest and direct about whatever you want to say.
I double what the other commenter said with it being similar to "just relax, bro". Imagine you were upset and all your friends told you "Stop being passive aggressive. It's obvious you're bothered and we can all tell, so say why you're upset instead of being so passive aggressive. Oh so now you're getting more upset?", it's clear why he would be more closed off and feel hurt. Even with the best intentions, sometimes the words we use aren't the best way to say something.
I think saying "hey sorry I didn't mean to upset you" will help a lot more than saying "I can tell you are upset and you are getting passive aggressive". The fist is showing compassion and trying to fix things, while the second is criticism and blaming him for his behaviour /emotions, making him even more upset.
Thanks for explaining the 'Indian household' thing, makes a lot of things at work (I'm in IT) make more sense with my offshore colleagues. The 'bitchiness' and 'blameshifting' makes more sense knowing they've probably grown up having it constantly.
At work this girl refused to do what I told her because it was “unfair”. I started to get frustrated and she said, “I told you calmly. you’re the one making it a big deal.” I started crying and she said “oh here come the waterworks!” I finally walked out because I wanted to punch her. She made me feel bad for becoming emotional when she was the one being so rude which hurt me. I didn’t handle it well but in the future I think I can.
Had this same issue when i was a manager know what fixed the issue? I sent them home at this point if you don't want to work you can find another job, sometimes as the person in charge, you have to be tough
Great advice, sir! Im impressed with your detailed breakdown of the strategy and risks. This shit needs a very careful calculation. And I did just that! Went to a nice boss, talked to him behind the closed door for 15 minutes, which terrified the passive aggressive colleague. The next day this person changed radically - was pleasant and scared to talk to me or say something wrong. I just followed my gut and it worked. "Bring a conflict to the surface" in a professional way. These people are chickens and are scared if open confrontation bcz they are just kids in an adult bodies. Do not address the passive aggressive ppl directly, they are so good at playing these games that they will bit you coz you are not the first one they are doing this to.
I get along with most people at work and being a hard worker who drops things as soon as it's possible that when people make issues it usually ends up backfiring so they stop. I've delt with 90% of work place bullies this way. But I also work with a higher ratio of older people who resent getting old so I try to be understanding when issues pop up and usually volunteer for the work that the older people shouldn't have to do.
A person at work right now keeps telling me I'm doing my job incorrectly and that I "Should be doing X" and when I ask "Awesome, please show me what it is I should specifically be doing and how I can do that better!" They dodge the question, tell me passive aggressively that I should do X (A new issue) rinse and repeat. I'm honestly not sure how to get around that without my Boss just saying "ya, just ignore him" ?? My default is to over-explain why I did X, Y, Z but I feel like all he want to do is try and belittle me and show how much more knowledgeable he is compared to me. I've been there only about 2 years, him 30 and I'm at the same position as 1/4 of the office and have been promoted twice already...in 2 more promotions I'll be ahead of him and I think just the external nature of him seeing a younger person surpass him makes him want to bully me. I've also talked to many people in the office and 2 have said I'm being bullied by him, and 3 are saying he just is an asshole and to ignore him - but as of now he is still my superior and he's asking me to do a task, but no matter what I do, he says "you have to do X too, hurry up" but doesn't explain it accurately to what I was asked for...
This is common, I'm dealing with similar stuff. The issue in my work setting is we have no space from co workers. It's a group/team setting and that is a stressful situation.
I have a tactic but not sure if you would be able to pull it off. I just act like a happy camper and agree to everything he says "Sure boss!" to everything. What this does is 2 fold, you are putting on a dummy persona so that gets attacked and is being submissive instead of you, it hurts less. Secondly it activates a certain uneasiness in the attacker with the unusual/uncanny response, they can get less satisfaction out of bullying you and fear you as well. It kind of gives them a feeling that you're holding back the anger and could lose control in a joker way or be plotting against them. "Why is this guy doing this as a facade? What is he hiding??" The fear of the unknown could be great and they become scared to prod you just in case.
@@flyaway6671 I used to do this when I was younger but it ends up forcing me to just do whatever others want me to. As I've gone up I've built more of a wall as I'm much more busy now with more responsibilities so I no longer want to be everyone's dumpster, having to do every job others don't want to do. I'm not sure how you appease them while also not just doing exactly what they want?
@@Hendrycks You have to find their weaknesses, unfortunately if there is a power dynamic there, you can only surpass them in rank or use a hidden power dynamic as in violence. Their violence is mental passive agressiveness and yours would be a what if scenario that links physically. People who bully me end up living in fear that I might flip and assault them, but I don't do anything obvious so they can't report me to HR. It could be a glare or a fake smile whilst holding back anger, being nice to everyone else but cold to that person. Find the stimulus and see what affects them. The fake jokery smile is really effective in my opinion. Makes you seem unstable *because* of them, they really feel like oh man I don't know if I should be prodding the snake.
@@Hendrycks When it comes to the whole appeasing thing, maybe you smile and take the additional jobs then when you fail to do them, smile whilst explaining oh shucks well I didn't have time to do it. Being fake jolly displays an element of control and there is an art to escalating the feeling of controlled aggression over time. It's hard to do but the general thing you want to achieve is that you are not showing your true self which may be sinister and they don't want to open that door.
This is definitely a "ranged top" scenario, you get harassed and poked to hell, can't do much or retaliate back, lose some cs. And the only way to deal with it is to either wait for your jungler to say hi, or just play safe until they make a mistake for you to capitalize on.
I grew up with a family that took all of these to the next level. Upside: I'm well equipped to every trick in the book and I can bullshit my way out of situations. Nobody flames at me without getting their asses laughed out of the office. Downside: I have to be equipped even at home constantly.
Thank you very much for the comprehensive information. I live in Japan and see a lot of passive aggressin, because the society puts stress on being polite and nonconfrontational. One very common type of passive aggressive behavior here happens when a Japanese does a favor for you, and you do not return it the exact same way that they expect you to do in their head, that you can be unaware of. You think you returned their kindness, but then booooom, receive a passive aggressive punch. It's so frustrating and unfair. I have actually minimized my interactions with the Japanese. It has also taught me a lesson: that when I do something for someone, don't except anything in return.
Every video is so helpful 🙏 I was wondering if Dr. K might be able to address one of these topics in one of his upcoming lectures: -Do people only want what they can’t have (especially in relationships)? -Does “fake it till you make it” actually work? -Do your feelings reinforce the way others treat you or vice versa? Thanks again for this channel & content!!
On 2: As someone who had this as a motto, yes and no. It works for a habit but not for success. While I was able to get myself to do things I can't be modivated to do (eat healthier, walk more, study more often), it doesn't help you find a job or override anxiety if you have issues with that. 3 is a real interesting question, would love to see that explored!
I just go straight to "speak up or leave me alone." If they don't, I pretend they don't exist to the point I dont hear them nor look at them. I don't play games with anyone anymore, I have zero respect for someone who won't say what they actually think unless they can find that strength to do so, apologize and try to be better. I only give people one chance to be sorry then they are dead to me if they do it again. I have a few real friends and I'm generally liked/loved by most people. I don't need a rude coworker or acquaintance in my life ever. If work needs to be done, I get it done with or without them.
I took a course on Japanese religion and a significant amount of the reading was about the history of the definition of religion, which absolutely is Protestant Western in origin. When the Japanese were asked to 'make accommodations for religious freedom' by Americans they held several weeks of debate over what 'religion' meant. In the end they could only agree that 'religion is Christianity' and ended up making a law saying 'sure you can worship your western god here.'
My uncle always buys me food w/o asking me, but whenever I ask if he wants anything when I go out, he says no. But if I ever forget to ask him, he gets mad at me for not offering. He also only eats like 5 meals and hates all other foods. So I get an idea of what he don’t like so sometimes I don’t ask him. He also talks confident about things from the past and often times I find myself doubting my own memory. Whenever he abuses his power at work when he’s mad at me. I tell HR and then he treats me like I’m the rude person cuz I complained. He will proceed to act like he was in the right and leaving things awkward until I give up and say sorry cuz I get tired of the tension. He’s never said sorry to me once. What should I do, he lives with me and he’s my boss. He’s my uncle so im afraid to kick him out.
not an easy task right here. If you're really drained and are willing to go for the nuclear option, then you can try setting your boundaries (Dr K has a vid on that too) and make the consequences of not following them clear (kicking him out), I'm guessing he will keep his posture and escalate the situation and try to fire you, and then see wether that will scare you back into "your place". If that doesn't work for him, then he will either fire you or back down, either way you'll have established your boundaries. Now, for the non-nuclear options I don't have enough info on your situation, but you could try setting boundaries and making the consequences less severe, but still clear, like "if you don't start asking what I want you to buy, then I won't ask you either" (This will require you to find a way to handle his prolonged state of tension with you) Now, all of these will fail as long as he has his trump card of "I can stay mad at you and I know you'll break first". So you're gonna have to start testing how much you can handle of his passive anger if you want things to improve. (P.S. its ok to fail and break first, as long as you have the goal of getting more resillient each time)
Thank you for this video, I was able to directly correlate most of what you said to a situation at work that I'm in the middle of. It makes total sense now. I'd love to hear more about how to bring up issues about your manager with them and/or their manager when your manager and their manager are related. My manager and her manager are cousins. I feel like my manager is taking advantage of that fact. We're supposed to have a biweekly 1:1 with our manager. I haven't had one since October. There are tons of other issues that I perceive to be due to my manager also. I've brought some of them up, but it's difficult because she just says she's very busy with back to back meetings. It's really frustrating.
Thank you for bringing the meditation back, doc! Binging your videos is part of my mindfulness practice hahaha (unfortunately the irony is not missed by me).
The best option if you have to deal with people like this is to find other friends/partner/job. Do you really want to lose so much time with drama? Yeah you can "try" to confront them, but they will eventually "settle the score". Many people are behaving like this nowadays, and it's not worth it. If you deal with a covert narcissist, let the mine explode and wound someone else, but not you, you didn't hire that coworker, or could get another friend that won't sleep with your gf/ex while dating another girl.
This. I appreciate Dr. K's advice but confronting them can be a surefire way to start a war with someone who is personality disordered. The best way to win with people like this, overt and covert narcissists, is to not even play the game in the first place and remove yourself from being a player in their game. Find another job that has a healthier, not so toxic work enviroment. Life is too short for that kind of nonsense.
To be fair he did say before applying what he said is to ask "Do I need this relationship?", if you dont feel the relationship is worth the confrontation then don't
The best way to deal with those people in my experience is to do nothing. Worked with this lady who was always losing about me and trying to get me in trouble but she in the end made a fool of herself. Eventually she stopped because she was working third shift. And because I never did anything back to her eventually she got a big head about herself and ended up self sabotaging themselves and got fired. Sometimes the best thing to do is let it go. But calling it out is also good because it causes other people to wonder what is really going on.
I work with a lot of millennials and gen x and we communicate through discord (ik, weird). Me being gen z, I often overthink what they say, cause they use a lot of those ;) :) emojis and for my generation that is 99% of the time seen as passive aggressive. I only had one instance where one of my coworkers actually used that emoji in a very obvious passive aggressive way and what I did is I acted clueless and very polite to a point, where I think he started to feel bad and instantly switched his attitude lol
Without watching, my solution is to ask around what's that persons problem, then try to acknowledge it to them. And not retaliate. It is hard for me to do, but that has worked to some extent for me. Now to watch the video Okay, this is close to what should work, just does not address any other power dynamics or scenarios. Thank you for these videos
12:45 This is what I don't understand about vindictive, childish, and morally-bankrupt coworkers: Why the f*** do they even care when another worker does better than them? Just let it be and do your own job well enough. It's just a job. F*** off with this territorial ape nonsense over a meaningless shift. I just want to do my job well and go home. Why do I have to go to work with the most broken people that literally want to stare daggers and report each other the moment they step in to the workplace?
when my coworkers get like this im just like ResidentSleeper not again. completely disconnect from everything. its exhausting but i need money feelsBadMan
22:10 kissing ass isn't always the solution to every situation. If you hold any power then using it is not necessarily detrimental especially in the long term. Sure you can cower, make yourself small and look weak in order to please and calm an opposing party and to maybe get something from them in the near future. But getting a long term benefit out of this requires that your opposing party is self aware and empathic enough to understand that you've recognized their plot and you're letting them off the hook. Otherwise you're just surrendering your standpoint in favor of short term gains which can be seen as spineless. But you can also throw their unfairness in their face, shove it down their throat and make sure you get across that if they keep pulling crap like this, your motivation for upholding this relationship will deteriorate. Obviously, this does not work if your opposing party has a low incentive in keeping your relationship going in the first place, and if you depend on it you should definitely suck up to them. 23:00 this sounds lovely except for the fact that you had to sacrifice a part of your autonomy in the relationship and the "opposing" party has been reinforced in their behaviour.
OMG PERFECT. I just got this problem since three - four weeks, but today was a moment off 'fuck this'. Worst part: she's someone I actually need to go to ask for advise for my work. Today she was the only one to ask and it was unpleasant. I'm doubting what I should do.
I just made the experience that it works to straight up confront people, but not agressively, I just remember that someone I worked with was being passive aggressive. One of my friends liked to hang out at my desk, so his boss, the passive aggressive guy, told him to stop doing so many coffeebreaks at my table, so next time I got into contact with him I simoly asked if everything is okay, if there's anything I have done because I just feel a certain vibe, it could very well be all in my head but I would like to be sure everything is fine. The guy then told immediatwly realised that I haven't done anything wrong, he told me that he just doesn't think it's great that the other coworker is getting disteacted from work so much since I started working there, but he realises that I haven't done anything. I then told him that I understand that, and that I will too pay more attention to that, and I swear, the next few weeks he was buddying up to that other coworker and my friend was super confused why his boss is suddenly so nice to him. So the key is that his boss probably felt disrespected and the moment I made an effort to reinforce that I do respect him but that I also don't appreciate the attitude he gave me before, was all that needed to happennfor him to ease up again. I don't know if this will work for you, I don't know your situation, but I just feel like you can'z go wrong by asking people if there's a problem and if they're okay. Sometimes they're struggling with other stuff in life and accidently lashed out on you without realising that they even do it. Making people know that you care for them and don't want them to be upset can do wonders too. I'm just sharing my experience, in hopes that maybe you get to resolve that.
@@corneliahanimann2173 Thanks for reacting. The problem is that I work in a call center environment and the passive aggressive person is an expert that we have to ask questions to. (Quite often) We sit in a way that there is no privacy, so when I speak to her about this, others will always hear. Which will probably escalate it more. That's what makes this difficult for me. Normally I would try to find a moment alone and directly talk about the situation in a nice way, but I don't have the possibility here. I also noticed today that she did it to someone else as well, so it doesn't seem to be just personal. Maybe she is overwhelmed by the amount of questions and isn't feeling well/ has something going on personally. No clue. It just sucks though, since I notice that I am less inclined to ask the questions that I have, if she is the only person there. I asked a colleague today because of that. (Which is not the normal way it should be done.)
@@elisenieuwe4649 I'm sorry my last comment is kinda long, but let me know how things go with that coworker, this just sounds like anxiety for 8 hours each day, and I hate that and don't wish that upon you. I've been there and just hope this doesn't affect your mental health!
@@elisenieuwe4649 imagine being her, giving solutions or course of action for alllll thise questions. She probably took the job because she was sick and tired of calling, but got more money for this. And now its just question after question after question.. Its most likely nothing personal
@@bamie16 Yes, that's what I think as well. I think she's a bit overburdened right now. I spoke a bit about it with another colleague and she thought the same. I'll just be nice and hope she feels better soon ^^
i find just not trying to make friends at work helps, make friends at a hobby class or online, people at work betray you because you cant be the real you at work
My colleagues are pathetic. They can't do their jobs properly and slow down so they get overtime. If you try to do something that actually benefits the company they gang up and bully you. Maybe when theres layoffs they might realise how petty they are? If a workplace is toxic you can't change it.
So Monopoly was a game created to teach the issues with capitalism; with the wonderful gaming terminology Dr K uses throughout, it makes me want to try and come up with a MTG-style card-game where people play various cards with various titles for passive-aggressive strategies and maneuvers; 'The Victim Card, Trap Card with the description 'Jebaited. You can only play this creature during your opponents attack phase. Play this as an Instant' (yes I know I am mixing my card game terminology). Maybe call the game Toxicity or something?
So how do you deal with this hypothetical passive aggressive person if they are choosing to remain anonymous and are able to do so by invading your privacy?
LOL well I'm trying to hear you now over path of exile music in the background. No offense but I have it all figured out for myself already. I simply convince myself those co-workers haven't been diagnosed with downs syndrome but they have it. They should get themselves checked out but I'm not going to tell them that because more nutty crackheaded passive aggression will occur.🤪
I actually have a hard time distinguishing between passive aggressiveness and someone just being upset and wanting space. I generally assume the latter because I like to hope for the best... then I find out these people just want to take it out on me through their passive aggressiveness because they saw that I didn't respond accordingly and it makes me sad that they just don't want to be upfront about why they are this way :(
Yes, same for me! I have a coworker that regularly gets passive aggressive with me, and I just assumed she is going through stuff and thought if she has a problem with me, she'd tell me because I like her, I don't see why she would dislike me. Eventually someone else pointed it out to me ans said "that girl has you on her radar or something!" And eventually I realised that she is pissed because I earn more than her. It's not like I went out of my way to have better pay than her, I assumed she earns more than me, but appearently it's not the case. I don't understand why we have to be salty every day of the week, life is too short!
@@corneliahanimann2173 wow, jealousy sure is a hell of a thing. I do wonder why people get this the best of them and just constantly take it out on others for absolutely no reason, especially if (I assume) she's not poor and lives alright. I'm not saying that you shouldn't experience negative emotions over small stuff but it's a difference between lashing out on people and just process the feelings.
@@dreambrush7251 We used to be friends, but I do remember that she was one that liked to gossip about everyone there and cared about who was having an affair with who and also always concluded her observations with explaining how she is somehow not this morally deprived. Personally I feel like at a workplace I'm there to work and I prefer to be on good terms with everyone because it's just work and I don't really care about the peoples personal lives, I had no idea that she would suddenly start becoming this snappy towards me and for a moment I was really wondering if I did something wrong that I just haven't noticed, but instead I came to realise that she probably always has been this way. If I heard that she earns more money than me, I'd be happy for her. It's a shame that she let something so small get to her head, I even asked her a few times if everything is fine and thought I too should give her space... Like you I suppose, and I think this is a good thing, because it shows that we probably don't really relate to this type of thinking where we hold onto these petty things. The entire reason why I earn more than her is, because I'm a part time student and only work 3 days a week and go to school the other 3 days of that week. She on the other hand does this as a full time job, so my boss decided to give me more hourly pay because I still have to afford an appartement and other stuff like every other normal person. It's not about the quality of our work, it's because my boss is a great person and that's it. She still earns more than me on a monthly basis, I don't understand how she looked at my situation and found a way to find something that bothers her.
How to confront someone being passive aggressive: "Stop being passive aggressive. Let's actually talk about this instead. What's the problem?" Look them in the eyes. Never take "I don't know" as a valid response to your questions. You will see how spineless they really are. They will see you are not to be fucked with. Problem solved. People make use of passive aggression when they are conflict avoidant or when they think they're clever. Direct aggression will always put them in their place. Trust they have no clue how to actually defend themselves. Also, if they play the victim card, just remember that it is their behaviour you are taking issue with. It doesn't matter if they 'meant it that way' or not.
Me buying a clay cup because I like them and the person says "Give us that cup to drink in, we want to try it" and then proceeds to drink from it without permission. This is natural clay, you cannot clean it easily.
In some way, this feels like it was written more for people who were passive aggressive towards me than for me; that resentment, living with that sense of being wronged, is self destructive- perceiving things as personal attacks is selfish in some ways, and I'm not saying people don't do it or it's not an issue, but like you can only control how you take things and what you do, right? IDK people are hard to understand, sometimes people just have different agendas or ideas of what's important in a conversation. And sometimes, more rare than not, people really do just put their own emotional resentment and trauma on you- turn you into a board for their own insecurities. It's hard to get out of that with family, but I think the best response is to not be mean or aggressive- but don't be particularly close with them either. Have your friends and your own relationships; build people who you believe in up instead of working on tearing someone else down, and hopefully they will be there for you and see your side if the other person tries to tear you down. It gets more complicated if your boss is doing it, and honestly I don't think there is a good solution for that except to move onto a different team or department. IDK tldr people are complicated- build up people you believe in instead of tearing someone else down, even if they seem to be attacking you
I'd just like to add in that if you are passive aggressive then you are a coward and need to give up this behavior immediately. Stop bringing misery in to the world and let people know your real intent. Be aggressive OR passive with me, at least I know where I stand. The fact that adults still do these petty things in modern day working environments is just beyond me.
"Safe way to attack without retaliation" One girl did this to me. I directed myself to the group and explained how that was an attack specifically directed towards me, went back and ask to be explicit. I guess emotional damage?
All my female co-workers are direct and communicative. I work in a company of 14 bodies with 3 of us being women. Of 11 other men only 2 of them can be counted on to be transparent and direct. The rest of them talk behind each other's back and my boss constantly engages in passive aggressive behavior such as instead of telling an individual to clean their station he will praise someone else ad-nauseum about how nice and clean their station is. When he does finally confront you its an ambush. I certainly don't think this is a gendered issue but I'm tired of men who think they're great communicators just because they say what they want in anger or in reality are just good manipulators not collaborateurs.
@@OokamiG i understand what youre trying to say, but you cant just change somebodys attitude if you just tell them. I talk a lot of shit about a few old people at my work (I work at a restaurant too) because thats the only thing you can do! they have 0 respect for people younger than them, order us around like fucking infants, amd the managers will always have their back so you cant even complain about it. i dont mind helping them every now and then, but being a man in a workplace filled with 40-50 yos, means youre being tasked with lifting anything heavy or high within the next 1 mile radius.
A lot of people in my family try to be “kind” and end up having emotion or opinions bubble up in the form of passive aggression and most of the time they have no idea that they’re doing it or how obvious it is.
Almost like a Fruedian slip, stress can do that unfortunately... If you're an empath these things can be quite obvious, careful not to bring it to the dinner table 1 on 1 is the way to go.
I hate it when someone is constantly breathing heavily [i.e. constant heavy sighing] to show disdain. It *infuriates* me. Like, if someone wants to tell me what's up, they should just tell me verbally and upfront. I hate playing these stupid games.
And I also hate it when the most manipulative people, especially coworkers, put up a nice, playful act, only to turn around in 5 min to attack you, report you, or yell at you for some insignificant thing that occurs (while they themselves constantly commit literal crimes in the workplace without consequence). That's how I learned to simply keep a straight face no matter their mood because I don't trust them. I let them know that I have no desire to talk to them or play niceties. Like a little polite "f*** you" before they start their day ready to manipulate me.
@@thenewkalpa Glad to know somebody is with it.
I once had someone doing the most aggressive passive aggressive thing I'd ever seen to me at work - going into our team spreadsheets (logs of what we did) and deleting my entries. I was only able to track it down using the cell edit history and showing it directly to my manager. Of course when confronted "it must have been an accident" but never happened again after months of this. Some people suck
My coworkers in nursing are such vindictive b*stards. Thank goodness that we happen to have an online database where we enter our documentation that our coworkers cannot simply delete since there is password barriers. But nonetheless, my coworkers were constantly missing drug passes in their rounds, and when they have to investigate the controlled substance list for the missing signatures, they somehow always find a way to blame me even though I am very punctual and never miss anything in my rounds.
These people even tried to blame a death on me despite it not even being my fault. The last thing they attempted was to blame a missing wound care on me despite it being known it fell upon the previous nurse (one who never even passes meds) to do it. That place was capital C _cutthroat._ And they always expected a "teamwork" environment, which only means cover for each other on stupid or plain criminal negligent actions. I'm glad I left that job on good terms with the only boss that actually cared and I kept my license intact, because believe me, the entire time I was there, they tried to get me in trouble every single day.
I hate nursing, but it's all I have. And no unions here in America. Land of the worker, amirite?
One of my coworkers will tamper with logs of people she hates as well. Worst thing is, I work with animals and it can directly effect their health (like with literal health charts).
@@thenewkalpa my goodness, I’m very sorry for what you experienced. I have someone close in my life who also works in nursing. They always get unfair criticism (just shouting angrily, blaming on underlings, no constructive suggestions…) from their manager, despite they have done their best in their position without major errors. The person I know has gone through major mental health issues because of this toxic work environment, but they don’t have other job options to do. It always blow my mind how toxic the field of nursing can be, and not all people are in the sector to help patients/clients/greater good. It’s very weird. I’m glad you’ve gone out of this toxic environment and had moved on.
They do suck. That's why they feel so threatened by you.
I had a terrible day at work today. I'm working in a small manufactury company as the only engineer and have to deal with 2 bosses on daily basis. One is complaining about everything and ignorant af, the other one is passive agressive af. I really needed that meditation. It really made my day better. Couldn't be a better timing to come across to this video. Thanks Dr K.
With two bosses like that please consider - if possible - getting tf out of there ^^'
@@andrzejkowasz well I wouldn't stay for a second if I had better opportunity. Just today, after bad day, the primary school graduated ignorant boss shouted at me for 5 mins straight for answering his stupid question with irony. I guess I'll resign soon.
@@mcugu404 sounds very familiar... Best of luck :)
Most families are incredibly passive aggressive and they have no clue.
The best response to passive aggression is physical aggression. If a coworker is passive aggressive to you, you should simply kill them.
why does the larger co-worker simply not eat the smaller one?
GIGAGHAD
Or you can catfish your boss with your female friend's pictures so you can destroy his marriage. That worked wonders
thats what I say too, a good ol bloodeagle ez
This is not exactly legal, but definitely efficient. I'll keep this option in the back of my head.
So the perfect counter to passive aggression is aggressive passivity.
Take them by their literal words and then let them stew in their bottled up feelings lol
@@Kyrmana good point
I was once told that i was being passive aggressive, once I noticed it myself I was really fascinated and have wanted to learn how to not be passive aggressive and also how to handle those who are passive aggressive towards me. Really interesting video idea, thanks Dr.K!
I'm no professional, but if it was only one time, and when you question the people around you no one says the same, I'd think it has more to do with the person who told you that than with you.
@@gustavocraque10 I'll try this one out, thanks for the tip
Once you notice certain behaviors of yours and start to question them a little, they're fascinating because you don't really know the reason that you felt/thought/said/did a certain thing, but you did it anyways.
"How can I feel a certain way and not know why I felt like that?"
"How can I say something and not realize why I said it?"
It breaks the implicit assumption that we are aware of why we do everything we do. Like, if we asked someone why they did a certain thing and they answer "I don't know", most people would be like "how can you do something and not know why you did it?!"
@@gustavocraque10 yeah true it was only that one time and it was a pretty tense situation because I had to remove someone (fire them) from thier position in a group. But still, I realised that i was being a bit passive aggressive too, maybe because it was a stressful situation for me too?
@@WanderTheNomad very great analogy, reminds me of meditating, this is basically the goal I set for myself. Why do we react to things? Why do we have emotions? Truely fascinating.
I struggled with anger as a kid and had to curtail that into being conflict avoidant and passive aggressive. It's taken me a long time but I've gotten a lot better with it now. I generally just use my high level spec ops defensively.
I'm curious, what do you mean by that? How do you use anger defensively?
@@Tarso333 I don't, it was channeled into being passive aggressive. Having acted out like that you tend to identify and empathize with those same feelings, and you can apply some of the methods Dr. K points out in the video to basically make it not a problem for you by calling them out tactfully or deflecting their passive aggression onto others. After that the anger can kinda get rationalized away once you can see yourself in their shoes, having been there before.
This has allowed me to find passive-aggressive behaviors within myself that I was previously not aware of. Very insightful.
The thing about the allowance situation hit way too close to home. I didn't realize such a situation was so common. My mom would be really passive aggressive and even straight up nasty to me if I did something she didn't think was "responsible", like spending money on something I wanted and not "saving it for the future", as if a $60 video game was going to be the difference between me affording college or not. I grew up pretty responsible and mature, making good grades and respecting her as a parent, but it was never enough, me simply wanting anything other than what I already had was a problem to her.
i have a friend like this, he's difficult to deal with when he's upset bc he just becomes defensive. Even if we tell him we can tell that he's upset and he can just tell us how he feels instead of being passive aggressive, he gets offended at the mere insinuation that he's upset. The best thing we found is to give him space to cool off
Saying something like "I can see that you're visibly upset", can be interpreted negatively. It's like someone saying, "calm down" or "just relax". It almost never goes well - almost belittling if that makes sense?
@@abovetheaverage9962 true! The negative part is that this train of reasoning is used for people who have become someone who you have to "deal with". Its a difficult situation when you have to start using ways of thinking like that on your friends, instead of just being honest and direct about whatever you want to say.
I double what the other commenter said with it being similar to "just relax, bro". Imagine you were upset and all your friends told you "Stop being passive aggressive. It's obvious you're bothered and we can all tell, so say why you're upset instead of being so passive aggressive. Oh so now you're getting more upset?", it's clear why he would be more closed off and feel hurt. Even with the best intentions, sometimes the words we use aren't the best way to say something.
I think saying "hey sorry I didn't mean to upset you" will help a lot more than saying "I can tell you are upset and you are getting passive aggressive". The fist is showing compassion and trying to fix things, while the second is criticism and blaming him for his behaviour /emotions, making him even more upset.
Great insight about perception of passive aggressive often being an internal reflection of your insecurities
Thanks for explaining the 'Indian household' thing, makes a lot of things at work (I'm in IT) make more sense with my offshore colleagues. The 'bitchiness' and 'blameshifting' makes more sense knowing they've probably grown up having it constantly.
At work this girl refused to do what I told her because it was “unfair”. I started to get frustrated and she said, “I told you calmly. you’re the one making it a big deal.” I started crying and she said “oh here come the waterworks!” I finally walked out because I wanted to punch her. She made me feel bad for becoming emotional when she was the one being so rude which hurt me. I didn’t handle it well but in the future I think I can.
You got this!
Fuck I’m sorry you had to go through bullshit. I know how you feel I think everyone here watching this knows how you feel.
Had this same issue when i was a manager know what fixed the issue? I sent them home at this point if you don't want to work you can find another job, sometimes as the person in charge, you have to be tough
Great advice, sir! Im impressed with your detailed breakdown of the strategy and risks. This shit needs a very careful calculation. And I did just that! Went to a nice boss, talked to him behind the closed door for 15 minutes, which terrified the passive aggressive colleague. The next day this person changed radically - was pleasant and scared to talk to me or say something wrong. I just followed my gut and it worked. "Bring a conflict to the surface" in a professional way. These people are chickens and are scared if open confrontation bcz they are just kids in an adult bodies. Do not address the passive aggressive ppl directly, they are so good at playing these games that they will bit you coz you are not the first one they are doing this to.
I get along with most people at work and being a hard worker who drops things as soon as it's possible that when people make issues it usually ends up backfiring so they stop. I've delt with 90% of work place bullies this way. But I also work with a higher ratio of older people who resent getting old so I try to be understanding when issues pop up and usually volunteer for the work that the older people shouldn't have to do.
A person at work right now keeps telling me I'm doing my job incorrectly and that I "Should be doing X" and when I ask "Awesome, please show me what it is I should specifically be doing and how I can do that better!"
They dodge the question, tell me passive aggressively that I should do X (A new issue) rinse and repeat. I'm honestly not sure how to get around that without my Boss just saying "ya, just ignore him" ??
My default is to over-explain why I did X, Y, Z but I feel like all he want to do is try and belittle me and show how much more knowledgeable he is compared to me. I've been there only about 2 years, him 30 and I'm at the same position as 1/4 of the office and have been promoted twice already...in 2 more promotions I'll be ahead of him and I think just the external nature of him seeing a younger person surpass him makes him want to bully me.
I've also talked to many people in the office and 2 have said I'm being bullied by him, and 3 are saying he just is an asshole and to ignore him - but as of now he is still my superior and he's asking me to do a task, but no matter what I do, he says "you have to do X too, hurry up" but doesn't explain it accurately to what I was asked for...
This is common, I'm dealing with similar stuff. The issue in my work setting is we have no space from co workers. It's a group/team setting and that is a stressful situation.
I have a tactic but not sure if you would be able to pull it off. I just act like a happy camper and agree to everything he says "Sure boss!" to everything.
What this does is 2 fold, you are putting on a dummy persona so that gets attacked and is being submissive instead of you, it hurts less.
Secondly it activates a certain uneasiness in the attacker with the unusual/uncanny response, they can get less satisfaction out of bullying you and fear you as well.
It kind of gives them a feeling that you're holding back the anger and could lose control in a joker way or be plotting against them. "Why is this guy doing this as a facade? What is he hiding??"
The fear of the unknown could be great and they become scared to prod you just in case.
@@flyaway6671 I used to do this when I was younger but it ends up forcing me to just do whatever others want me to. As I've gone up I've built more of a wall as I'm much more busy now with more responsibilities so I no longer want to be everyone's dumpster, having to do every job others don't want to do. I'm not sure how you appease them while also not just doing exactly what they want?
@@Hendrycks You have to find their weaknesses, unfortunately if there is a power dynamic there, you can only surpass them in rank or use a hidden power dynamic as in violence. Their violence is mental passive agressiveness and yours would be a what if scenario that links physically. People who bully me end up living in fear that I might flip and assault them, but I don't do anything obvious so they can't report me to HR.
It could be a glare or a fake smile whilst holding back anger, being nice to everyone else but cold to that person. Find the stimulus and see what affects them.
The fake jokery smile is really effective in my opinion. Makes you seem unstable *because* of them, they really feel like oh man I don't know if I should be prodding the snake.
@@Hendrycks When it comes to the whole appeasing thing, maybe you smile and take the additional jobs then when you fail to do them, smile whilst explaining oh shucks well I didn't have time to do it.
Being fake jolly displays an element of control and there is an art to escalating the feeling of controlled aggression over time. It's hard to do but the general thing you want to achieve is that you are not showing your true self which may be sinister and they don't want to open that door.
I’d love you to do a video on ADHD and justice sensitivity. It makes it so hard to find the space to respond instead of react
Oooh that's a good question!
It wouldn't surprise me if some of the best rebels who have changed the world had ADHD.
Yes please
This video came one week too late Dr K. I recently got fired from a newly hired passive aggressive manager. 😂😭
This is definitely a "ranged top" scenario, you get harassed and poked to hell, can't do much or retaliate back, lose some cs. And the only way to deal with it is to either wait for your jungler to say hi, or just play safe until they make a mistake for you to capitalize on.
I grew up with a family that took all of these to the next level. Upside: I'm well equipped to every trick in the book and I can bullshit my way out of situations. Nobody flames at me without getting their asses laughed out of the office. Downside: I have to be equipped even at home constantly.
That sounds exhausting, I'm sorry you have to deal with that :(
I feel like the 48 laws of power can give some really good insight for handling this particular problem.
Thank you very much for the comprehensive information. I live in Japan and see a lot of passive aggressin, because the society puts stress on being polite and nonconfrontational. One very common type of passive aggressive behavior here happens when a Japanese does a favor for you, and you do not return it the exact same way that they expect you to do in their head, that you can be unaware of. You think you returned their kindness, but then booooom, receive a passive aggressive punch. It's so frustrating and unfair. I have actually minimized my interactions with the Japanese. It has also taught me a lesson: that when I do something for someone, don't except anything in return.
Thank you for being you, much love and many hugs
Every video is so helpful 🙏 I was wondering if Dr. K might be able to address one of these topics in one of his upcoming lectures:
-Do people only want what they can’t have (especially in relationships)?
-Does “fake it till you make it” actually work?
-Do your feelings reinforce the way others treat you or vice versa?
Thanks again for this channel & content!!
On 2: As someone who had this as a motto, yes and no. It works for a habit but not for success. While I was able to get myself to do things I can't be modivated to do (eat healthier, walk more, study more often), it doesn't help you find a job or override anxiety if you have issues with that.
3 is a real interesting question, would love to see that explored!
I just go straight to "speak up or leave me alone." If they don't, I pretend they don't exist to the point I dont hear them nor look at them. I don't play games with anyone anymore, I have zero respect for someone who won't say what they actually think unless they can find that strength to do so, apologize and try to be better. I only give people one chance to be sorry then they are dead to me if they do it again. I have a few real friends and I'm generally liked/loved by most people. I don't need a rude coworker or acquaintance in my life ever. If work needs to be done, I get it done with or without them.
I took a course on Japanese religion and a significant amount of the reading was about the history of the definition of religion, which absolutely is Protestant Western in origin. When the Japanese were asked to 'make accommodations for religious freedom' by Americans they held several weeks of debate over what 'religion' meant. In the end they could only agree that 'religion is Christianity' and ended up making a law saying 'sure you can worship your western god here.'
My uncle always buys me food w/o asking me, but whenever I ask if he wants anything when I go out, he says no. But if I ever forget to ask him, he gets mad at me for not offering. He also only eats like 5 meals and hates all other foods. So I get an idea of what he don’t like so sometimes I don’t ask him.
He also talks confident about things from the past and often times I find myself doubting my own memory.
Whenever he abuses his power at work when he’s mad at me. I tell HR and then he treats me like I’m the rude person cuz I complained. He will proceed to act like he was in the right and leaving things awkward until I give up and say sorry cuz I get tired of the tension. He’s never said sorry to me once.
What should I do, he lives with me and he’s my boss. He’s my uncle so im afraid to kick him out.
what would be the consequences of kicking him out?
from what you describe, it seems to be very draining to be around him, but i don't know everything
not an easy task right here. If you're really drained and are willing to go for the nuclear option, then you can try setting your boundaries (Dr K has a vid on that too) and make the consequences of not following them clear (kicking him out), I'm guessing he will keep his posture and escalate the situation and try to fire you, and then see wether that will scare you back into "your place". If that doesn't work for him, then he will either fire you or back down, either way you'll have established your boundaries.
Now, for the non-nuclear options I don't have enough info on your situation, but you could try setting boundaries and making the consequences less severe, but still clear, like "if you don't start asking what I want you to buy, then I won't ask you either" (This will require you to find a way to handle his prolonged state of tension with you)
Now, all of these will fail as long as he has his trump card of "I can stay mad at you and I know you'll break first". So you're gonna have to start testing how much you can handle of his passive anger if you want things to improve. (P.S. its ok to fail and break first, as long as you have the goal of getting more resillient each time)
Thank you for the advice I will try the non nuclear first and re-evaluate. I’ll respond again with what happens after trying it a couple times.
I do enjoy these longer videos please keep posting them!!
Thank you Dr. K. This video helped me save a friendship that means a lot to me.
Thank you for this video, I was able to directly correlate most of what you said to a situation at work that I'm in the middle of. It makes total sense now. I'd love to hear more about how to bring up issues about your manager with them and/or their manager when your manager and their manager are related. My manager and her manager are cousins. I feel like my manager is taking advantage of that fact. We're supposed to have a biweekly 1:1 with our manager. I haven't had one since October. There are tons of other issues that I perceive to be due to my manager also. I've brought some of them up, but it's difficult because she just says she's very busy with back to back meetings. It's really frustrating.
Thank you for bringing the meditation back, doc! Binging your videos is part of my mindfulness practice hahaha (unfortunately the irony is not missed by me).
The best option if you have to deal with people like this is to find other friends/partner/job. Do you really want to lose so much time with drama? Yeah you can "try" to confront them, but they will eventually "settle the score". Many people are behaving like this nowadays, and it's not worth it. If you deal with a covert narcissist, let the mine explode and wound someone else, but not you, you didn't hire that coworker, or could get another friend that won't sleep with your gf/ex while dating another girl.
This. I appreciate Dr. K's advice but confronting them can be a surefire way to start a war with someone who is personality disordered. The best way to win with people like this, overt and covert narcissists, is to not even play the game in the first place and remove yourself from being a player in their game. Find another job that has a healthier, not so toxic work enviroment. Life is too short for that kind of nonsense.
To be fair he did say before applying what he said is to ask "Do I need this relationship?", if you dont feel the relationship is worth the confrontation then don't
powerfull meditation... i wasnt prepared to deal those emotions, but i want to try again later
Summary: Be even more passive aggressive than them. Genius. 😆
"they're not attacking you, they just do things that u perceive! as attacks" - uuu, now it's getting really interesting !
The best way to deal with those people in my experience is to do nothing. Worked with this lady who was always losing about me and trying to get me in trouble but she in the end made a fool of herself. Eventually she stopped because she was working third shift. And because I never did anything back to her eventually she got a big head about herself and ended up self sabotaging themselves and got fired. Sometimes the best thing to do is let it go. But calling it out is also good because it causes other people to wonder what is really going on.
I work with a lot of millennials and gen x and we communicate through discord (ik, weird). Me being gen z, I often overthink what they say, cause they use a lot of those ;) :) emojis and for my generation that is 99% of the time seen as passive aggressive. I only had one instance where one of my coworkers actually used that emoji in a very obvious passive aggressive way and what I did is I acted clueless and very polite to a point, where I think he started to feel bad and instantly switched his attitude lol
“They don’t have any standing army but they have a good special ops team”
Without watching, my solution is to ask around what's that persons problem, then try to acknowledge it to them. And not retaliate. It is hard for me to do, but that has worked to some extent for me.
Now to watch the video
Okay, this is close to what should work, just does not address any other power dynamics or scenarios. Thank you for these videos
12:45 This is what I don't understand about vindictive, childish, and morally-bankrupt coworkers: Why the f*** do they even care when another worker does better than them? Just let it be and do your own job well enough. It's just a job. F*** off with this territorial ape nonsense over a meaningless shift. I just want to do my job well and go home. Why do I have to go to work with the most broken people that literally want to stare daggers and report each other the moment they step in to the workplace?
Please make a video on dealing with gossip!!!
When i get Passive Aggressive attacks, *Uses "Calm Mind"* +1.5 Sp.Atk +1.5 Sp.Def
In the past I’ve just said “hey have I upset you or something? Your being passive aggressive with me”
This is amazing, thanks
EXCELLENT Topic
when my coworkers get like this im just like ResidentSleeper not again. completely disconnect from everything. its exhausting but i need money feelsBadMan
22:10 kissing ass isn't always the solution to every situation. If you hold any power then using it is not necessarily detrimental especially in the long term. Sure you can cower, make yourself small and look weak in order to please and calm an opposing party and to maybe get something from them in the near future. But getting a long term benefit out of this requires that your opposing party is self aware and empathic enough to understand that you've recognized their plot and you're letting them off the hook. Otherwise you're just surrendering your standpoint in favor of short term gains which can be seen as spineless.
But you can also throw their unfairness in their face, shove it down their throat and make sure you get across that if they keep pulling crap like this, your motivation for upholding this relationship will deteriorate. Obviously, this does not work if your opposing party has a low incentive in keeping your relationship going in the first place, and if you depend on it you should definitely suck up to them.
23:00 this sounds lovely except for the fact that you had to sacrifice a part of your autonomy in the relationship and the "opposing" party has been reinforced in their behaviour.
OMG PERFECT.
I just got this problem since three - four weeks, but today was a moment off 'fuck this'.
Worst part: she's someone I actually need to go to ask for advise for my work. Today she was the only one to ask and it was unpleasant.
I'm doubting what I should do.
I just made the experience that it works to straight up confront people, but not agressively, I just remember that someone I worked with was being passive aggressive. One of my friends liked to hang out at my desk, so his boss, the passive aggressive guy, told him to stop doing so many coffeebreaks at my table, so next time I got into contact with him I simoly asked if everything is okay, if there's anything I have done because I just feel a certain vibe, it could very well be all in my head but I would like to be sure everything is fine. The guy then told immediatwly realised that I haven't done anything wrong, he told me that he just doesn't think it's great that the other coworker is getting disteacted from work so much since I started working there, but he realises that I haven't done anything. I then told him that I understand that, and that I will too pay more attention to that, and I swear, the next few weeks he was buddying up to that other coworker and my friend was super confused why his boss is suddenly so nice to him.
So the key is that his boss probably felt disrespected and the moment I made an effort to reinforce that I do respect him but that I also don't appreciate the attitude he gave me before, was all that needed to happennfor him to ease up again.
I don't know if this will work for you, I don't know your situation, but I just feel like you can'z go wrong by asking people if there's a problem and if they're okay. Sometimes they're struggling with other stuff in life and accidently lashed out on you without realising that they even do it. Making people know that you care for them and don't want them to be upset can do wonders too. I'm just sharing my experience, in hopes that maybe you get to resolve that.
@@corneliahanimann2173 Thanks for reacting.
The problem is that I work in a call center environment and the passive aggressive person is an expert that we have to ask questions to. (Quite often) We sit in a way that there is no privacy, so when I speak to her about this, others will always hear. Which will probably escalate it more.
That's what makes this difficult for me. Normally I would try to find a moment alone and directly talk about the situation in a nice way, but I don't have the possibility here.
I also noticed today that she did it to someone else as well, so it doesn't seem to be just personal. Maybe she is overwhelmed by the amount of questions and isn't feeling well/ has something going on personally. No clue.
It just sucks though, since I notice that I am less inclined to ask the questions that I have, if she is the only person there. I asked a colleague today because of that. (Which is not the normal way it should be done.)
@@elisenieuwe4649 I'm sorry my last comment is kinda long, but let me know how things go with that coworker, this just sounds like anxiety for 8 hours each day, and I hate that and don't wish that upon you. I've been there and just hope this doesn't affect your mental health!
@@elisenieuwe4649 imagine being her, giving solutions or course of action for alllll thise questions. She probably took the job because she was sick and tired of calling, but got more money for this. And now its just question after question after question..
Its most likely nothing personal
@@bamie16 Yes, that's what I think as well. I think she's a bit overburdened right now. I spoke a bit about it with another colleague and she thought the same. I'll just be nice and hope she feels better soon ^^
How to deal with passive aggressive people:
*Put headphones on*
🤣
Nice topic.
i find just not trying to make friends at work helps, make friends at a hobby class or online, people at work betray you because you cant be the real you at work
Absolutely.
Passive aggressive - Indirect implications
"I grew up in Texas"
I was curious
YOU HAVE A SCEARY JOB!!!
My colleagues are pathetic.
They can't do their jobs properly and slow down so they get overtime.
If you try to do something that actually benefits the company they gang up and bully you.
Maybe when theres layoffs they might realise how petty they are?
If a workplace is toxic you can't change it.
So Monopoly was a game created to teach the issues with capitalism; with the wonderful gaming terminology Dr K uses throughout, it makes me want to try and come up with a MTG-style card-game where people play various cards with various titles for passive-aggressive strategies and maneuvers; 'The Victim Card, Trap Card with the description 'Jebaited. You can only play this creature during your opponents attack phase. Play this as an Instant' (yes I know I am mixing my card game terminology). Maybe call the game Toxicity or something?
So how do you deal with this hypothetical passive aggressive person if they are choosing to remain anonymous and are able to do so by invading your privacy?
Thanks Dr.k
LOL well I'm trying to hear you now over path of exile music in the background. No offense but I have it all figured out for myself already. I simply convince myself those co-workers haven't been diagnosed with downs syndrome but they have it. They should get themselves checked out but I'm not going to tell them that because more nutty crackheaded passive aggression will occur.🤪
Bring them cookies and smile as they eat...that will get them off your back
"Then u take that muffin for yourself" 😂 your move special ops, your move.
I actually have a hard time distinguishing between passive aggressiveness and someone just being upset and wanting space. I generally assume the latter because I like to hope for the best... then I find out these people just want to take it out on me through their passive aggressiveness because they saw that I didn't respond accordingly and it makes me sad that they just don't want to be upfront about why they are this way :(
Yes, same for me! I have a coworker that regularly gets passive aggressive with me, and I just assumed she is going through stuff and thought if she has a problem with me, she'd tell me because I like her, I don't see why she would dislike me. Eventually someone else pointed it out to me ans said "that girl has you on her radar or something!" And eventually I realised that she is pissed because I earn more than her. It's not like I went out of my way to have better pay than her, I assumed she earns more than me, but appearently it's not the case. I don't understand why we have to be salty every day of the week, life is too short!
@@corneliahanimann2173 wow, jealousy sure is a hell of a thing. I do wonder why people get this the best of them and just constantly take it out on others for absolutely no reason, especially if (I assume) she's not poor and lives alright. I'm not saying that you shouldn't experience negative emotions over small stuff but it's a difference between lashing out on people and just process the feelings.
@@dreambrush7251 We used to be friends, but I do remember that she was one that liked to gossip about everyone there and cared about who was having an affair with who and also always concluded her observations with explaining how she is somehow not this morally deprived. Personally I feel like at a workplace I'm there to work and I prefer to be on good terms with everyone because it's just work and I don't really care about the peoples personal lives, I had no idea that she would suddenly start becoming this snappy towards me and for a moment I was really wondering if I did something wrong that I just haven't noticed, but instead I came to realise that she probably always has been this way. If I heard that she earns more money than me, I'd be happy for her. It's a shame that she let something so small get to her head, I even asked her a few times if everything is fine and thought I too should give her space... Like you I suppose, and I think this is a good thing, because it shows that we probably don't really relate to this type of thinking where we hold onto these petty things. The entire reason why I earn more than her is, because I'm a part time student and only work 3 days a week and go to school the other 3 days of that week. She on the other hand does this as a full time job, so my boss decided to give me more hourly pay because I still have to afford an appartement and other stuff like every other normal person. It's not about the quality of our work, it's because my boss is a great person and that's it. She still earns more than me on a monthly basis, I don't understand how she looked at my situation and found a way to find something that bothers her.
Every mom ever has rolled thier eyes.
Dr. K was trying hard not to say "Union" at 29:10
just scream at their face, that always works.
My whole family is like this
Lotta ‘jerks’ in this comment section who say they didn’t NOTICE they were being passive aggressive before 😂🤦🏻♂️
Can you please specify how to deal with it if it's your boss? SOS
How to confront someone being passive aggressive: "Stop being passive aggressive. Let's actually talk about this instead. What's the problem?"
Look them in the eyes. Never take "I don't know" as a valid response to your questions. You will see how spineless they really are. They will see you are not to be fucked with. Problem solved.
People make use of passive aggression when they are conflict avoidant or when they think they're clever. Direct aggression will always put them in their place. Trust they have no clue how to actually defend themselves.
Also, if they play the victim card, just remember that it is their behaviour you are taking issue with. It doesn't matter if they 'meant it that way' or not.
How to survive? Don't care about them or the fuckin job. Just show up for the paycheck
Me buying a clay cup because I like them and the person says "Give us that cup to drink in, we want to try it" and then proceeds to drink from it without permission. This is natural clay, you cannot clean it easily.
Ok but, how can I stay calm if these people are SO annoying, like is there a strategy or something? haha
Wait, passive aggressive is just kinda like tsundere but on another lvl?
Ask for help instead for help
Please forgive the newb…. Why are we adding a J onto ‘baiting?’
I didn't think I'd click on this video and hear about elden ring lmao
How should deal with it if it is my boss?
Hello!
They think they are supior then you as a person
"I'm sorry I didn't remember at the time." If you hear this you are dealing with the mega pro.
In some way, this feels like it was written more for people who were passive aggressive towards me than for me; that resentment, living with that sense of being wronged, is self destructive- perceiving things as personal attacks is selfish in some ways, and I'm not saying people don't do it or it's not an issue, but like you can only control how you take things and what you do, right? IDK people are hard to understand, sometimes people just have different agendas or ideas of what's important in a conversation. And sometimes, more rare than not, people really do just put their own emotional resentment and trauma on you- turn you into a board for their own insecurities. It's hard to get out of that with family, but I think the best response is to not be mean or aggressive- but don't be particularly close with them either. Have your friends and your own relationships; build people who you believe in up instead of working on tearing someone else down, and hopefully they will be there for you and see your side if the other person tries to tear you down. It gets more complicated if your boss is doing it, and honestly I don't think there is a good solution for that except to move onto a different team or department.
IDK tldr people are complicated- build up people you believe in instead of tearing someone else down, even if they seem to be attacking you
I'd just like to add in that if you are passive aggressive then you are a coward and need to give up this behavior immediately. Stop bringing misery in to the world and let people know your real intent. Be aggressive OR passive with me, at least I know where I stand. The fact that adults still do these petty things in modern day working environments is just beyond me.
"Safe way to attack without retaliation"
One girl did this to me. I directed myself to the group and explained how that was an attack specifically directed towards me, went back and ask to be explicit. I guess emotional damage?
Y`all
just bloodeagle them
50:05
54:31
10
THISSSSS
54:30
You lost me at the meditation section.
He just described all of my university female students
1 st
2 nd
3rd
4th
5th
6th
Passive aggressive coworkers? Oh god.. cry more
In other words women
we got a live one! we should trap them for analysis!
Ya in men we call it weaponized incompetence because it sounds more manly
🤡🤡🤡
All my female co-workers are direct and communicative. I work in a company of 14 bodies with 3 of us being women. Of 11 other men only 2 of them can be counted on to be transparent and direct. The rest of them talk behind each other's back and my boss constantly engages in passive aggressive behavior such as instead of telling an individual to clean their station he will praise someone else ad-nauseum about how nice and clean their station is. When he does finally confront you its an ambush.
I certainly don't think this is a gendered issue but I'm tired of men who think they're great communicators just because they say what they want in anger or in reality are just good manipulators not collaborateurs.
@@OokamiG i understand what youre trying to say, but you cant just change somebodys attitude if you just tell them. I talk a lot of shit about a few old people at my work (I work at a restaurant too) because thats the only thing you can do! they have 0 respect for people younger than them, order us around like fucking infants, amd the managers will always have their back so you cant even complain about it. i dont mind helping them every now and then, but being a man in a workplace filled with 40-50 yos, means youre being tasked with lifting anything heavy or high within the next 1 mile radius.
So, does anyone know how to spell the meditation technique brought u[p around 1:21:20?
I googled "Kaishtira meditation" and it autocorrected to Kaya Sthairyam. Pretty sure that's the one
I am in a growth mode
I’m forever asking myself why I’m the asshole in every situation. Around 35:00 I got my answer 😮💨🫠 ffs 😂🤌🏻