4 Common Signs A Relationship Will FAIL… | The Gottman Doctors
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- Опубліковано 5 чер 2024
- Drs. John and Julie Gottman, the world's leading relationship researchers, reveal the 4 common signs that indicate a relationship is destined for failure...
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Not being able to pause an argument and talk about it later is actually a very anxious attachment pattern. People who are here to stay should make you feel secure enough to prioritise your mental peace when needed.
Very true. My dad is this way with my entire family. He will force you to get something across in around 5 seconds or less, otherwise he will interrupt, yell, or even act out violently.
Ima say that goes both ways…secure attachments are worked for. They don’t magically appear. Trust doesn’t magically happen. A coming avoidant attachment is to say let’s talk about this later, and then never talk about it later.
@@TheSueChefmy ex would say she needs space & later would act out like nothing happened. She’d break up with me & later on in the same day or within a week get back together with me, I never understood attachment theory but now I do & she was super avoidant.
The 4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse:
1) Defensive (?)
2) Criticizing
3) Stonewalling
4) Contempt
Great
Name calling
@@gacem.hassina Name calling would fall under the contempt category.
@@terrywade3696thank you so much
@@gacem.hassina You’re welcome.
I find that the "innocent victim" posture is very common in both men and women where I am from. These type of people have learned the valuable and useful skill of being a victim, which helps them avoid accountability entirely, while also garnering sympathy.
Good point...
I feel like a lot of arguments are triggered by people when they are physically exhausted and hungry lol getting 8 hours rest usually is the argument solver
I had a ban on any difficult talks after 9 pm, I'm just not functional after that.
Rolling of the eyes is a sign of contempt.
Not trying to soap box, this is true unless someone has a tic disorder or tourettes. Trust me I've been yelled at enough for rolling my eyes when it's just a tic. 😬🤦 Just food for thought.
@JDubzDrumz how common is that? I've never met anyone with 1. It's very uncommon and not worth mentioning
My wife does this all time. I'm victim of bullying at the workplace and in depression because of it. We have sex maybe 2-3 times a year. She doesn't pay rent. Hit me in public spaces. What should I do?
@@JDubzDrumzSuggest councelling.
@@TheOutlierToday you have, you just didn't realize it more than likely.
Man, I’ll be honest, I was guilty of at least 3 of these in my last relationship. I didn’t put enough self respect on the table to tell her what I wanted, and I let it fester into contempt. Don’t let yourself get rolled over, and keep your core values intact. Mine felt like they were getting dismissed right out of the gate.
What an amazing couple and I love their wisdom. Very realistic and respectful.
I used to be vocal about my thoughts and issues.
My wife trained me to stop. Most successful tactic was “we don’t need to agree on that”, or simply downgrading my sources or telling me that my knowledge is too small to even open my mouth.
Now she doesn’t understand where the wall, that she build, came from.
Trained you? What are you, her pet?
You should tell her.
@@kacyandlaura
I did.
@@vincentkentgorski2
You can read someone’s message in full and try to understand the whole message or pick one sentence and try to hurt someone.
It’s your choice how you live your life.
Or when they “agree” then become passive aggressive later on. I left a relationship after I brought up a reoccurring concern, he “agreed” to fixing it then acted passive aggressive and distant afterwards. To me that was a clear sign of immaturity and he wasn’t willing to put in the work (also thought I wouldn’t leave because I liked him so much). I did and he’s in shock into today. It’s unfortunate..
Sometimes what looks like eye rolling is exasperation at your attempts to express your needs and the other person being in contempt of you. I get called on eye rolling after hours of me trying to create connection or work on an issue and the person just continually trying to defeat me by attacking me and not listening to what I am trying to say . I’m exasperated, I’m the one trying so it’s not eye rolling .
This may be why but he has some really good stuff about communication , regardless it communicates this message. It's about radically looking and understanding our emotions, and such
Positive affirmation, even if you feel beset upon. May calm the aggressive scared partner. Enough to have open conversation.
It’s working with my wife.
But it was really hard to do. When you are always being put down.
Little by little man! I'll be praying for you both
Great video and thank you! I think a lot of modern day couples need to watch this..
when i take a break i dont do other things. i turn my eyes inward and really try to understand what i am reacting to within myself. then when i come to an understanding of what the real issue is within myself that i am truelly reacting to is the moment i can properly articulate it and thats when magic happens. if i dont understand it myself how the hell am i supposed to express it to someone else, right? going on 23 years rock solid. we went to the gottman retreat about 10/15 years ago and there were some good little nuggets in there if a person is really willing to learn. woman seem to be on a different spectrum then that. for us i have to really put myself in listening mode and take a journey with her to get to what she is really reacting too. its taken me many years to get good at taking off the mr fix it hat and put myself in that mode. again when i nail it, literal magic happens.
I greatly appreciate the advise when getting “flooded”. I just wish I knew this a few years back 😞
3 of my favourite presenters of podcasts
Great episode
I strongly believe in St. Paul's advice: " never go to sleep with an unresolved partner especially on abuse issues or a violent partner".
Some people have lost their lives while they slept as their partner woke up meditated on the issue and attacked them.
In worse case, better go and sleep in another room.
That was great! Thanks!
Every word is true.. makes sense
11:00 Women tend to be more unhappily married
Because Tv sold them a lie, and once they realize how difficult it is to maintain a husband and family, they run to divorce court
shocker
Studies prove this. They commonly leave relationships and file for divorce.
I've Scanned 250,000 This Is Really How Men Think - Daniel Amen and Lisa Biyeu podcast
The guests we were waiting for. Gottmans need more attention and appretiation.
Wow interesting!
I’m a woman who has taken the stone wall approach
“I think the world is a more dangerous place for women.” Um. DUH!
Funny how the manosphere would disagree on that. Yet statistics prove that it's true.
Stonewalling is also used as control. It leaves the conflict or argument between the couple "suspended " with no resolution because that's the stonewallers intent...
"It's harder to be a woman".. amen 🙏
No it's not ... both sexes have their challenges and we need to treat each other with respect to get ahead together.
Point in case: most victims of violent crime are actually men.
Women on average receive smaller sentences for the same crime in court, on average they get detention less often for the same fellony in school, on average their brains develop earlier in school and on average they go to high school more often, they do on average get custody for the children much more often, even though single fathers on average are the better parent than single mothers.
So ... no. The above is too simplistic.
@@thrall1342 Women get SA'd, pregnant, give birth, raise children and are more often abused and kidnapped. You cannot compare the same to a man. The statistics are out there. The world is more dangerous for women. The struggles are not equal at all. Men rule the world, you're top of the food chain, women are not. That's like saying a Lion has as many hardships as a Gazelle, it doesn't. Meanwhile the Gazelle gets eaten by every predator and Lions are predators.
There aren't as many single fathers as there are single mothers. You're talking about a very extreme difference.15.09 million children with single moms, 3.05 million children with single dads. Most men refuse to be a single father to begin with. They can simply walk away. So again, who loses out? The women.
I disagree. Women and men should take more accountability instead of blaming sex on it. We need to do better. We are important to the survival of the human race
Notice how always the older generation is able to speak in a way that you understand everything, they make a pause... between words, so you focus on the topic better.
They dont have to repetitively explain each sentence or words,
as we see in old movies like Columbo series, the actors were talking with pauses, and understanding modulations, analogies, and sentences,
In US, in Europe. These movies also have the nonverbal communication.
Unlike the youtube experts, and guests in podcasts
who realized that todays generation doesn´t understand one simple sentence or ideas, so they repeat the same concept three times, in order to explain simple fact, in the end the videos is over- simplified and modultaed in such complicated language, so many times that it´s sounds much more complicated than it is.
I wonder whether their ideas are simple but are explaned in such difficult ways or their ideas are so complicated to explain.
I like him bringing up St Paul, but frankly he hasn’t engaged with that quite deeply enough. Slander, frankly.
I think the missing part of not going to sleep fighting…as Christians, is going to God and praying together. It’s amazing as there is always our Father who is connection, love, reconciliation, forgiveness, perspective, wisdom, above it all❤️
Guys just don't care and we know better than to bring up an issue because we KNOW it won't be handled and we'll be wrong. So we bury it and keep going. It's not that we're happier, we just care less.
I am a guy and I have felt that way in the past but I don’t think it has been helpful for me in creating a good dialogue that will solve the problem. That is stonewalling.
@@bayoanware Is it? Stonewalling is more about during a conversation and not saying anything rather than not bringing up a topic at all. I find that bringing topics up is a waste of time and aggravating and never fixes anything. Better to just accept it as is and stop being angry and resentful.
@@ElimEx1 fair point. And you know whomever you are with better than I do. Still I think it’s important for us guys to not bury problems because that doesn’t make them go away. And sometimes they fester, causing resentment in ourselves or her.
@@bayoanware Tell me about it! I was filled with resentment but then, I realized that resentment is being emotionally immature because I made that decision and I can either change that decision or move on. This single thought evaporated my resentment and now, when something happens, I just tell myself that it was my decision and I can either accept it or change my decision.
My ex-girlfriend was a master at stonewalling. So it's not always a guy thing. Turned out she was a covered narcissist.
🤘🏻
St. Paul’s advice is not wrong. One can regulate from flooding and forgive before going to bed, no matter what happens with the other person.
I also agree with dr Gottman that it doesn’t always work like that. We dont live in la la land after all.
Sometimes it's best to let yourself cool down and come back to something later.
@@PK-dc4zh Exactly, that’s literally all it means. Don’t go to bed fuming lol.
But what if the partner doesn’t agree to that? They want to fight right here right now and not later, not tomorrow, not day after. How do you convince these kinds of people?
@@t00862Sometimes you will have to meet them half way. Some disagreements can warrant coming back to them later, some can't. You can't always walk away and come back later to discuss the situation. There are going to be certain things that have to be deal with in that moment. You just have to keep in mind that you will have to learn how to balance your anger in that moment.
I swear im a man trapped in a womans body 🤣
Cause your brainwashed by modern society, go in nature with a bible and you’ll gain your true self again
1-
4- stonewalling (shutting down, not listening, not responding)
Sarcasm, mockery
Women has it harder, but people are also more likely to believe them too. Watch how many times men get dismissed when they just bring up the notion of men having issues as well.
True. Stereotypically people can only be labeled in one dimension. Since women are perceived to be vulnerable /emotional while men are perceived to be capable/logical people, then only one group would sound likely to be victims. No group can have it both ways; we are all perceived with prejudice.
Men are the ones that stonewall? That has not been what I've observed or experienced.
Meet my husband.
@SENSEF from what I've seen, women are the ones that stonewall when they don't get what they want. The only time I've seen men do that is when they've tried everything and nothing works. Women do it at every inconvenience as a punishment.
They talk about MEN.
Not grown child’s from a single mommy household
@@runexscapexBotz 100% agree with you, man child do this, but normal matured men don't.
@@SENSEF no one cares about your sob story.
#1 Wife can't cook to save her life.
Finally, the only comment worth a damn 😂😂😂
😅😅
Go fry an egg
You had me until you said it's harder to be a woman than it is to be a man lol
It is. Go look it up.
It is harder. Being a woman sucks. They have to carry children, they have to deal with more emotions, they are weaker, they get treated like shit by many men and society in general.
A lot of them are resentful and angry as hell about it which isn't making their lives better either.
I couldn't say what it's like being a woman but me just observing it from the outside looking and it looks rough.
I'm not sure men are flooded more than women. 🤔
The world is harder for women? Please, tell that to the young men conscripted in the Ukrainian wars on both sides of the conflict. There was that infamous clip last year where Ukrainian conscripters dragged a young men away screaming, while two young women sat and laughed at him. In the US men are much more likely to be victims of violent crime and tend to face harsher penalties when committing the same crime.
Men attack other men
I agree with you. Women can leverage their looks to get a man to marry them and support them. Men don’t have this privilege
Dumb af. These people pose as experts but just spout bs
Those are cherry picked examples. I could do the same, pointing at Afghanistan where women aren't allowed to go to school, aren't allowed in public parks, can't leave the house without a male family member.
Men and women each have their own struggles. Men are more likely to be victims of violent crime, but also way more likely to be the perpetrators. Of women who are murdered, more than half are killed by intimate partners/family members. The opposite is not the case.
I would definitely say that worldwide, women have it worse. In some western countries, I'd be open to the idea of men having a more difficult time of it. But then, is it a competition? Can we not say that in certain aspects, women have it worse and in others, men do?
@@jennys999
Afghanistan is small compared to the world population of females, which renders your argument to be weak. I could also play your card by saying men have it worse because the men of Ukraine, Israel and Palestine are dying every second, so men have it worse.
The numbers of women murdered by their spouse is miniscule compared to leading global suicide rates in men, and people who've died in war(obviously men duh?) Again, your argument is very weak here.
Women have it worse in general? You've not supported that statement adequately. How so? could you provide world-scale examples instead of trying to downscale your points into sample sizes too small to suffice your premises
First sign is 1 of them is a woman lol
What a load of crap. Two grifters.
I call cap, him saying women have it harder than men, lost credibility there
The truth hurts doesn't it? Cope.
“Women have it harder”
I knew there was a reason I didn’t like this guy. lol
I predict many divorces in your life.
Just the description in the Bio alone is nonsense.
Every relationship, whether between two people or more, is unique - you can't research it and call it science or fact based or anything else.
And to try and dilute that, though not possible, to 4 signs is just a gimmick for clicks or for dumb people.
I usually enjoy your stuff and am a subscriber, but I think you've started to buy into stuff that won't profit you (yes, pun intended)
I'm guessing your relationship has many of these warning signs lol😏
Or maybe he’s not solely after “profit”…if anything it demonstrates that he is willing to invite and give guests a space from a variety of backgrounds. It’s interesting…sometimes in one’s criticism , they become the VERY thing they criticize. 🤔
Lol okay bud 🤮
These juice only want to sell their bs and get money, most of what they say is over generalized bs