She didn't say they could never date, just that they needed to date when they were serious about finding a spouse. Not saying this is the right approach, but I see plenty of judgemental comments about a mom who is trying to do the right thing by her son and his wife. I also know of teens who got pregnant because they started dating before they were mature enough to comprehend the consequences of physical intimacy.
@brooke9847 I agree with you, that sounds crazy. I can completely understand being serious about a spouse, that was the only purpose I had while dating. HOWEVER, there is no way a 15 year-old child at church youth group is serious about getting married. Realistically they’d have to wait/date for 3-5 years. It feels like she required her kids to hold off on dating until they are literally ready to get married. 15 year old kids can’t get married. Then she is shocked when one of her kids decides he is ready and gets married immediately (kinda seems like that’s what she was expecting/requiring).
The caller mom doesn’t see her son did something wrong. You think Jesus likes you to go with whatever your children do. Let me let everybody know that if you don’t tell your own children that they did wrong. Jesus will let you know. Correct your children even if they don’t follow through. Keep reminding them. I sure don’t want Jesus to tell me why didn’t you tell it was wrong.
fr i can't believe that she speaks so openly about not allowing her kids to date and then being like ok but why do they rush to get married and why do they do it behind our back!?!?
“Start thinking about the qualities you want your future spouse to have, based on the total lack of information you have about romantic relationships.” What could possibly go wrong?
You don't need to date to know what you would like in a partner. Maybe your expectation might be unrealistic because of lack of experience but you can definitely have some type of expectations. You can have very generic expectations e.g. I want someone who listens, doesn't insult me, is open etc.
@@nd7289 that isn't what teenagers come up with. they come up with what they look like, what extremely niche hobby they like must also be, and whatever arbitrary characteristic their favorite TV program says is important. it's RIDICULOUS to expect someone who has never driven a car to pick the car they are going to have for the rest of their lives.
I am an army veteran I can tell you he likely married quickly to get out of the barracks. BUT she is also very controlling and I am not surprised he jumped right into marriage
But most military guys still jump to marriage because of the benefits. It sucks to say since I’m a military spouse but that’s not the case for me, it’s what I hear about young military couples. She said he joined at 18 and something about 5 years later meets this girl. So he’s 22. It’s still common as a very young military member to get married for unfortunately the wrong reasons. I don’t find it strange he got married instead of “dating” besides when she said to look for a wife not a girlfriend she meant date with a purpose to marry. I find it strange when she said her and all her kids are so close they talk about everything and life choices. If she’s this warm and easy to talk to about hard topics why did he hide the part he was literally going to marry this girl two days later after meeting the parents without saying anything about marriage? Knowing he knows she would be supportive. And then brushing it off when she noticed the ring? That tells me that he did take a serious life change to be with someone “forever” but doing so lightly? Like it does make me wonder if it’s more for the benefits and didn’t want to mention that part to the parents?
I made the mistake of reading the comments before watching much of the video and let comments give me an inaccurate picture of this lady. Sure I think it is wrong to not let your kids date and to be excessively involved in their adult lives, but in this call she is quite receptive and seems to have a big heart. Like let’s be forreal, a bad mother wouldnt hug a stranger that was just introduced to them as their daughter in the circumstance of an odd situation.
This is very insightful. I too, sometimes let the comments influence my opinions about these things. I think she's a little too controlling and naive. With 5 kids, there's no way they're all going to fit her imagination of how perfect their lives will be.
@@sungearI marrried into a family like this. We have four kids Ourselves now and My MIL still treats Us like we are still teenagers. 🤦♀️ 20 years later and their Mom is STILL like this and all her kids are in their 30’s and 40’s. These types of people don’t understand the goal of parenting. It’s that You raise independent kids, not that Your kids are dependent on You. Therefore the natural progression of life becomes something they dread.
It’s not that specifically. It’s that fact that she meet her husband at 15. This type of parenting messes up kids. Not saying kids should be having sex etc. but damn.
What are you people on about, the kids live with her, they clearly are close to her and the new daughter in law is clearly looking for a mother figure. There is 0 issue with this, did you even watch the episode?
Gosh this woman is weird. You can’t hold your children in a headlock until they are 18 and then be shocked when they go buck wild. As a Christian, it’s our responsibility to walk along side our kids as they slowly enter into the world while they still live in our house. not keep them from as long as possible.
Dr John is so right. We are no contact with certain family and we constantly hear things like "Life is too short to hold grudges" but we feel that life is too short to be around people who treat us terribly with no remorse. I have peace drawing the line and not looking back.
I believe people are too quick to go no-contact. "Just go no-contact!" as if it's a decision to get bangs or not. Over ridiculous things like political differences, or *ahem* medical choices a few years back. It's actually adding destruction and toxicity, in cases like that. And I say this as someone married to a man who was NC with his grandfather until the man died. But like, grandpa apparently made a pact with the devil, so 😬I believe it can be necessary, but those cases are very rare and don't require long explanations 😋
I think people that have (luckily) no experience with these dynamics, probably truly have no way of understanding what this is truly like. I am a mom myself now and I find it impossible to imagine myself ever treating my child the way I was treated. I understand however, that it IS possible for other parents, because I was the kid in that situation once. But when you have not gone through that yourself, and all you've ever felt is the love from your parents and the love you have for your children... You just have no idea. And you don't understand that comments like "I hope you can work it out with your parents" can be very, very painful for the child to hear.
I am completely baffled by this woman’s naïveté. It’s endearing at the same time it’s the biggest WTF. She’s been married for 30 years and has 5 ADULT children but she is so flabbergasted by ANY other perspective than her own wishing well. It’s honestly so interesting. Wish em all well.
Any time people say "family is important, you should reconcile" i immediately thought, "well they dont get it. They havent experienced abuse. Theyve either been privileged to have come from a supportive home and cant see past their own experiences, or they dont see an issue with the abuse they experienced, are unhealed and in denial. Either way, not safe for me."
I have a rule of thumb. If you have a long explanation you need to give for why you went NC, you probably acted rashly. NC can be necessary, but those cases are rare and generally, only require a short explanation to be fully understood. Because family IS important. There's no getting around how your family, or lack thereof, shapes and impacts you.
A person who has never experienced toxic family environments could never understand someone who has lived in a toxic environment. They wouldn't have a clue. The mother-in-law sounds like a wonderful person. Hopefully the daughter-in-law can learn to enjoy a healthy relationship with her new husband and his family.
Yes! I hate when people say “family is everything” and tell you to reconcile no matter what. People should not be allowed to mistreat you just because they are family.
My mom was emotionally and physically abusive. I realized at about 18 I did not love my mom. Thought I was crazy. To this day most people that knows me or my family have no idea the pain caused. They probably never will. I love how John handled this.
Mine mom is the same way. She Spreads lies and rumors about. Tells me I have weight problems and degrades my looks constantly. I do not any relations to her.
I feel you. Mine is a narcissistic and try to destroy my family after I tried to help her. I had to stop all communication with her. I’m finally at peace.
I've never been physically hurt but my parents never enrolled me in school and my bro was a drug addict so lots of neglect 😮 but when she was so fix this w parents. I can tell she does not emotionally understand we don't want to connect we want peace and not to be hurt.i am sorry your family was so harsh to you ❤
She seems a bit… controlling. She keeps going on about how she raised her kids, like she did everything right. But I hope she can relax and everything works out.
He met a girl online and he is like 22 in a demanding job . She isn’t wrong .. this could be a disaster .. being married to a marine is extremely difficult .. I hope they make it but it’s going to be hard . I wouldn’t want my son to be divorced by 25 that’s all I’m saying .
@@clareemerson I wish I had sex before marriage. Biggest mistake to marry to have sex. Josh Harris was a homeschooled moron. No one should listen to him. Glad he got a divorce now. I read his ex's book The Woman they Wanted and it was eye opening.
She sounds like a wonderful mom and mother-in-law! She’s made mistakes (which many people could/would have made), but, golly, she loves her people well.
I eloped with my wife. I wasn't interested in hearing any nonsense from my mom. We've been married 9 years and my wife and mom are good friends. We live about 5 mins away from each other.
Yep, it can totally work! People now think they 'know better' but people used to get married in their teens and had a way higher success rate than people do now....
did the people in the comment section even watch the video? The mums problem isn't directly with the son getting married but how to support his wife. She was shocked with the fast marriage but she was still supportive and kind to her son and her daughter-in-law, and it sounds like even if she is a helicopter parents she still has a good relationship with her children.
I just think it’s funny that she’s shocked because she literally raised him saying “you don’t need a girlfriend until you’re ready for a wife”. So he took that quite literally lol.
Okay so also a mother of 8 young men and one daughter, 5 out of the 9 are adults now… What I cannot understand is this idea that kids should not “date”. Of course they should, in preparation for marriage. Not this hooking up crap that is happening but actually date. Get to know each other and themselves etc.
I met my husband at 18. We got married two years later and have been married 18 years, together 20. I spent the first few years feeling like a wild animal around his family because my family was so chaotic and his family seemed so "normal". I needed a lot of therapy over the years from childhood trauma and we also did marriage counseling because I was never taught about healthy communication, just how to react. His mother welcomed me with open arms and one of the best things I did was be honest with her so she really understood the relationship I had with my parents. Now she's proud of how far I've come and how her son and I have grown up together not apart. I really wish them both the best.
Incorrect, im extremely grateful for how strict my parents were. It set me up to actually be a functional young adult meanwhile I see most of my peers strugglimg, addicted to substances and poor.
Spot on, John. Not all parents are equal! The caller should focus on loving her son and his new wife and being a strong, safe place for them. Abuse from parents is a brutal chain to break.
@@Kwildcat13 it's all an act....just like her entire (fake) life. I have no doubt in my mind. She said a bunch of nonsense when she was allowed to do the speaking, then very quickly changes her tune when she doesn't receive the response she was fishing for LIVE ON AIR. Behind closed doors where no one can hear or see, this would be an entirely different conversation. Master manipulator and control freak. She's literally talking about controlling her ADULT children's lives. It would be interesting to hear the children's take on "how perfect the home is..."
I'm a parent, but my child isn't even two yet so I can only go off of my upbringing. I never understood the parents who were overly-strict - felt/feel like that pushes the kid into that very thing their parents wish for them to avoid. I understand wanting your kids to avoid being sexually active as young teens, but to shun relationships altogether is an unsavory recipe.
I agree with you. This happened to my mother and aunt. Although their parents were old fashioned from 50 years ago, both were inexperienced and did not know how to vet. Both marriages were terrible.
I can’t help but feel like this lady is an amazing mom! Maybe she helicoptered too much (still) but if you listen to the whole call, she was shocked her son go married so quickly but she loves her daughter in law, has given them a temporary place to live, and seems like they have a good relationship - much better than the young girls mom! It’s easy to say “oh these religious parents are horrible” but she sounds like a wonderful lady and I bet if we met the kids they’d be pretty awesome too.
funny because the household i grew up in my grandma didn't monitor me at all and i was literally so insane as a teenager almost no rules no boundaries and i did every horrible thing you can think of. so i'm going to have a firm hand on my children when they get older lol but i don't think dating is bad just maybe like how mormons or amish do it and it has to be with multiple other siblings/ friends and no alone time 😂
As a military veteran I have a different take. It could be that he was tired of the low pay and barracks life - a wife equals higher pay and stand alone housing - and a lot of young women in bad situations see a guy who has a job he can't really be fired from, who would give her government benefits and an easier safer life (she thinks) than what she currently has. This may not go well, as a lot of these young women have a lot of problems and are not ready to deal with military life, and I have seen so many divorces and problems because of the stress and demands. This is not going to be an easy or good time once they get into their base housing and start to realize how hard it is going to be.
The fact that this women is calling, working through all this and her reaction at dinner welcoming her daughter in law in is amazing to hear. She was definitely grieving maybe the idea she had in her mind but I feel her children and daughter in law are so lucky to have her.
I love that this call in mom has accepted her daughter in law so well, yet it seems she’s a bit too involved. She has to let go, she’s trying way to hard to be the perfect mom. It doesn’t exist.
She just met this stranger whose now her daughter in law. Give her a break. It’s better she tries to get to know this girl, give this girl the love & support her own mom wouldn’t do. She’s showing this girl a healthy example of how important family is because that is literally what marriage is about. To show the young couple the means of support from family so they can show their kids too. I just got to say at least the girl’s parents are still together. There’s always polar opposites of married couples, one spouse could be coming from a healthy married family and the other, broken, blended or divorced families. She’s doing right. No offense to the caller but most sane moms don’t show love and support to someone who married their son without knowing one thing about them. It’s an absolute shock, the least the son could of done is told his parents he’s marrying her on that Sunday they met the parents instead of doing that 2 days later and not say a thing.
I met my husband online. He was raised in a very conservative family in Indiana, I was born and raised in Brazil. We talked for a couple of years and I finally traveled to the US to meet him. We spent 30 days together. A year later he traveled to Brazil, we spent 30 more days together, and got engaged. Nine months after that, he returned to Brazil with his parents and we got married. I moved to the US the next day. This whole situation sounded less than ideal to both our families, especially my husband’s. But they supported us and have given us space to make our own decisions. We’ve now been married for 12 years and have a beautiful 10 year old daughter. This caller reminds me a lot of my mother-in-law! We’re so different, but she’s always made me feel loved and welcomed!
I met my wife in a chatroom back in 2001 when talking to strangers online was still considered creepy. We lived in the same city so I called her after a few days and met her at a restaurant a week later in June 2001. We hanged out after work EVERDAY and I met her parents a month later and we were engaged by September 2001 (this engagement was by her dad request to be honest---this is after only 3 months dating) and married July 2002 (13 months after meeting). She met all the checkboxes for me as a wife and I knew it. I have two kids who are older teens....and if they did what I did...not gonna lie.... I'd be scared as a parent and might even have to go crazy....double standard yes I know...hahahaha.
Who knows, maybe they'll be married for a long time or short time. Just support your son as much as you can. Young people be dumb and they eventually learn their lesson over dumb decisions they make.
Thank you John for saying that the new wife might come from a toxic relationship. I had decades of abuse from my family and it's taken a long time to move through this.
I finally got out... and every time someone would say "You need to reunite" Re implies it was ever united. No. There is nothing to repair. Nothing at all. And the more you tell me to, the more it's not going to go well.
When you choose to raise your kids in a protected bubble, don't be shocked at how much it hurts when that bubble bursts. As good as her heart is, she has NOT prepared her children to live in the real world.
This woman is the clearest example of why mother-in-law‘s have such a bad reputation. Live your own damn life and let your kids become their own people.
This woman sounds like my worst nightmare for a mother in law 😂 she literally knows nothing about the relationship with the DIL’s parents. She needs to mind her dang business. 😅 Nosy @$$ Met her husband at 15 but didn’t allow her teens to date. Okay, nut job! She sounds soooo controlling 😅
@@Kwildcat13 I listened to the whole call, she sounds like a busy body who needs to mind her own. She’s trying to force the girl to reconcile a situation she knows nothing about.
Thank God someone else can see through the bs. She is crazy. She changes her tune when she doesn't get the responses she wants so she can "look good" to people in public (on a public call). At the end of the day, she's trying to control the lives of ADULTS. Crazy. Master manipulation. Control freak.
She is so beyond controlling she has a plan for all her kids lives - it’s ridiculous how are people supposed to know what they want if they can’t date! These people are adults let the live!
I’m about to be 44 and I’m a little girl broken by my parents while being a woman in her “happily ever after”…it’s such a conundrum of emotions. This woman is lovely…I believe she has no concept of how broken this young woman was. I pray for them all. Sincerely, Never a Daughter
@@milagroslh1551her “family” is probably a horror story…ESPECIALLY if she was raised by narcissists!! You can shove your head’ further into the sand and stick with your thoughts.
@@CatharineCummingsI have a wonderful marriage and he is my rock. I’m 100% grounded in who I am and I know that my childhood (that chased me into adulthood) is what made me SO damn fierce about my future/present. If you knew 1/2 of my story you would wonder why it wasn’t a movie already or why I have not called in to this show. 🤣🤣
Man, she would hate being my mom. I met my husband on adult friend finder. I invited him over for a one night stand, and he just didnt stop calling me so i married him. Figured if he didnt want to leave, might as well pay pess in taxes. So now weve been married for a very long time, and are raising 3 kids.
Yep, it's a sure sign. She sounded exactly like the wives who present themselves as a military member. I haven't encountered a mom like that but it doesn't surprise me.
I get the wife saying "we are stationed" if the wife is actually going with the husband to bases all over the world. But not the mom of the service member.
Same with the kids. Do these adult not married grown kids understand how controlling their mother was and how that potentially hindered them! She sure has a rosy view of her family but that doesn't mean all of her family members share the same view.
At this point, they're married. Your support and excitement are crucial for the relationship to be successful, especially since her parents have turned their back. Honestly their behavior shows me that she's probably running from abuse. I can relate and got married as soon as I could. Your family is now a safe space for her to get some stability and community. Please continue to embrace her (and her brother) and don't push any kind of reconciliation. If the opportunity presents itself, she'll take it. As kids, we all want our parents to be a loving safe space, but our parents sometimes refuse to be.
Mom thinks she can shape exactly how her kids will develop into adults... how surprising she thinks that everyone needs to stay connected with their parents throughout life. Lordy
Sheltering kids from the world is unrealistic and can even se them up for failure. That being said that you still protect and teach your children about the world.
I’m only at the beginning of the call and my family was 100% like this first part. 5 kids in my family. We weren’t allowed to date. Homeschooled. My sisters got married in mid 20s but neither of the boys got married. That is until last year my younger brother eloped with his first girlfriend of 4 months. Ironic hahaha.
Coming from a home that was dis functional and marrying into an amazing family, this girl is blessed to have married into yours! I have a similar situation too, husband in the military, got married quick, shocked his family. But they received me with open arms and I was absolutely changed by that. They have taught me so much and having a mother and father figure you can trust is life changing. Kudos to you, mom, you’re loving your son and your daughter in law is amazing, even though they scared you, you’re opening your home to them. You’re amazing and she just needs you to teach her your ways and let her make her own path. ❤
Wow! I learned as much from the guest mom Melissa as I learned from Dr. John! She received feedback really well and seemed sincerely understanding. I listened to this three times in one day to internalize how she managed John's disapproval of her mothering style. She leaned into it with understanding. She seems to really know she is always growing too.
As someone who was raised in a very violent household, you are wrong. You do not get to dictate what she does with her parents. Stop trying to control her and your son.
This lady is just too much. Too intense about freaking everything. Chill out and let people live their lives. I like how she kept amending her previous statements whenever John would point something out as a constructive advice. And I also think it's hilarious how she barely knows this person, and two seconds ago she was disapproving of the relationship and now she completely 100% believes this 18-year-old girl that her parents are narcissists lol. Which basically anytime anybody throws that word around anymore it's lost all its meaning. But man this lady is just so intense. I imagine that every conversation she has with everybody including with the barista at coffee shops is level 10 intensity
Just reading the previous comments, I don’t think people even listened to the whole episode. What a Gift this woman is to her new daughter in law… hope they all have a beautiful future together and the daughter in law heals from her past.
True but many homeschool families actually go out and do a lot - in their communities, with other homeschool families, at local community colleges, etc. I was homeschool led for elementary and middle school, and we did things like: took a science class where we dissected sheep hearts, went bowling every Thursday with other homeschool people, and had about 5-7 fellow homeschool families that we constantly did stuff with - they were more like cousins, really. I’m 30 now and am glad I wasn’t homeschooled for ALL my schooling, but like I’m still great friends with most of the kids from the other families.
Way to go Melissa! I know there are a lot of comments on here about being overprotective, but you sound like a life-saver from someone who has been there. Thank you so much for talking through this! This feels so similar to my own story...we didn't elope, but my in-laws would have supported it if we did. My own mom is not allowed to speak to me, and my siblings want virtually nothing to do with me.... all because I moved away from home (at 25)! John's right... in my case there was a lot of abuse growing up. My mother-in-law has truly become my best friend, and she definitely has shown me what a "normal loving Christian family" looks like! I am so appreciative that they have taken me in so fully! I am turning 29 in a few months and have been married (to the greatest man) for a little over two years and have a beautiful baby girl. So blessed! 😊 🙏
I'm glad this call is featured separately because I loved this call, as the daughter in law to such a mother. Trying to show more grace to my mother in laws helicoptering, and trying to focus on the love and supportive intentions behind it while also stepping into our own as a young couple. Almost 2 years in that balance is finally being found, as we both grieve what marriage to her son would look like and both build something together. It's been a bit rough and I almost gave up, but I think that new picture is being drawn😊
Wait her son is how old? He is a Marine! This is almost typical of military members they meet and sometimes marry. The Mother seems controlling and she can't control this so she is not happy. Get over it.
My husband and I have been together for 5 years and knew from the time we met we were going to be together. Moved in together after 6 months, married at a year and had our first son at 2 years. I’m now 8 months pregnant with our second son. Whirlwind marriages are not failed from the beginning. My mother adores my husband, his mother tolerates me. Pretends to like me, none the less, their opinions didn’t matter. We are the ones in love. We are the team. We are the one raising our boys. We are the ones choosing to be together day after day and to work for it. Parents need to step back and allow their children to be happy.
Caller... you're trying to mold and shape your adult children? They are making their own choices. Did you not raise them to become autonomous individuals capable of making their own decisions? Your progeny are not required to align their thinking with yours.
Great connection and advice on this call. Words cannot express how much I Love this caller. She is delightful, idealistic, a bit naive, Loving, and open to suggestions. I could see her eagerly writing everything down that Dr. John was saying to her. For a helicopter parent, she seemed reasonably self-aware, willing to make fun of herself for it, seemingly open to change, and is also approachable. That's one of the reasons "the argument" was so hilarious, because it was like a family comedy show, with the adult child giving feedback about her mom's "yelling" compared to her father's. The fact that this mom embraced her new daughter in law, despite the shock she felt, just speaks so much to her character and heart, despite sometimes making an incorrect assessment and potentially rose colored advice. Despite this young lady making a very rash decision to marry, and the fact that one of the reasons might have been to escape her home life, I'm really rooting for her in her new marriage. It seems like she married a wonderful family, and I pray everything works out wonderfully for everyone. By the way, Dr. John, you missed a gem of a potential by not calling her Sweet Melissa.
Something similar like this happened to my nephew and my sister. They were both were 18 went to Vegas came back home fast forward three years later divorced with a baby girl. My sister embraced it, and at the end of the day things were calmly settled . Everyone parted ways. Point of the story, I could only go two ways they’ll divorce or live a decently life . Just hope for the best . And stop pressuring you child to not have bf/gfs and look for a spouse .
Helicopter parenting should be called overly controlling, enmeshed parenting. Should be called “not letting your children be autonomous” Or even “forcing my beliefs on children and suffocating them with needing them to live, think, and be my way” parenting. “Even when they’re adults I’m going to control their lives” parenting. Helicopters should be offended.😂
I truly hope he's attracted to her because she's a great life partner and not because 'she needs help and I can fix/love her better than her family can'. That would be the beginning of a toxic relationship. I dated my ex partially for those reasons and became more invested in her because I wanted to help her. It's not a good foundation for any long term relationship.
May they be blessed. I know plenty of people who married young and had many decades of successful marriages. Yes, it is difficult, but it is also precious to grow together into a strong unit.
I can assure you, it's not as it seems. As the daughter of a mother like this who watched my older brother do the exact same thing wedding a woman from a broken home at a young age. My mother played the smug "good family" card so hard on this girl it was damn near predatory. Totally concealing the fact we grew up abused ourselves. I was a young teen at the time and tried to warn the fiance, but she wouldn't believe it. Poor thing just wanted what she never had and was fooled. Ah well, eventually she caught on, but by then it was too late. There's a sweet way to be abusive, this mom has it figured out.
@@thestorybehindthat5236 I agree. I was abused but my husband's father is also a narcissist. Took us way too long to notice the problems till we lived with them for a short time.
Had controlling helicopter parents like this in high school back in the day ( graduated HS in 1975). Ran for the hills to university life and learned about friendships, life, relationships, etc. I also worked part-time while putting myself through school. Being out of that controlling environment was so important for the rest of my life. I feel sorry for these adult kids and wish them well. I also hope that their son sets serious boundaries with his parents to protect his wife!
Everyone in the comments giving the mom crap like she didn't love on the girl the instant she learned about the marriage.... that was a shock to mom's system, and what overflowed out of her heart was "i'm so glad he found you." Major props to this woman
Instead of seeing her children as individuals with their own thoughts and opinions, shes trying to reinact her lifestyle and how she met her husband as a teen. I can see why so many kids grow up not knowing who they are. Let them make their own choices and mistakes in life. Plus shes being awfully judgemental towards these other parents without knowing the full picture.
The first few minutes of this were hilarious - coming from an adult child of loving, well intentioned helicopter parents (which also lead to my rebellion lol). I love this mom, what a sweet, well intentioned heart she has. That’s great that her DIL has her in her corner and can redefine what a family relationship could look like, since not everyone has parents/homes like that. Dr. John laid everything out so nicely. I pray they all find peace
i mean he listened on the whole "you don't need a girlfriend, you need a wife"
You never know how the message is going to come across 😅
😂
Exactly! I was just about to say this. He actually did what she told him to do.
Exactly 😂 He was following directions!
So in this case mother really is to blame
It's pretty funny she doesn't like the fact he married the 3rd girl he's been with but met her husband at 15 and then didn't allow her kids to date.
She didn't say they could never date, just that they needed to date when they were serious about finding a spouse. Not saying this is the right approach, but I see plenty of judgemental comments about a mom who is trying to do the right thing by her son and his wife. I also know of teens who got pregnant because they started dating before they were mature enough to comprehend the consequences of physical intimacy.
She never said the kids are not allowed to date. She just wanted them to date with a purpose, intention to marry the person at some point they date.
@brooke9847 I agree with you, that sounds crazy. I can completely understand being serious about a spouse, that was the only purpose I had while dating. HOWEVER, there is no way a 15 year-old child at church youth group is serious about getting married. Realistically they’d have to wait/date for 3-5 years.
It feels like she required her kids to hold off on dating until they are literally ready to get married. 15 year old kids can’t get married. Then she is shocked when one of her kids decides he is ready and gets married immediately (kinda seems like that’s what she was expecting/requiring).
@@eurekahope5310 The right thing? controlling all their life?allowing no fun which dating brings?
Real hahahha... I have a friend whose mom was like this and she and her siblings have never gotten married even though the mom was married at 18
I love how the mom doesn't seem think this is her fault.
She sounds very stupid
Which mom? The one on the call seems to be a great mother and them getting married is not an issue.
The one that called in raised her kids to get married right away and she is “shocked.” She got exactly what she asked for.
They never do
The caller mom doesn’t see her son did something wrong. You think Jesus likes you to go with whatever your children do. Let me let everybody know that if you don’t tell your own children that they did wrong. Jesus will let you know. Correct your children even if they don’t follow through. Keep reminding them. I sure don’t want Jesus to tell me why didn’t you tell it was wrong.
This mom is so focused on being perfect she is unreal
fr i can't believe that she speaks so openly about not allowing her kids to date and then being like ok but why do they rush to get married and why do they do it behind our back!?!?
@@xxxxxxxxx1652exactly
She literally said that she agrees with John on dating and that her son had 2 girlfriends before his wife. What are yall on about?
Fact
Literally my mother to a T
“Start thinking about the qualities you want your future spouse to have, based on the total lack of information you have about romantic relationships.” What could possibly go wrong?
Exactly.
Literally!! Zero experience. Zero practice. Because the parents stole that from them, then think they're doing God's work! Brainwashed insanity!!
Exactly. What a mess.
You don't need to date to know what you would like in a partner. Maybe your expectation might be unrealistic because of lack of experience but you can definitely have some type of expectations. You can have very generic expectations e.g. I want someone who listens, doesn't insult me, is open etc.
@@nd7289 that isn't what teenagers come up with. they come up with what they look like, what extremely niche hobby they like must also be, and whatever arbitrary characteristic their favorite TV program says is important. it's RIDICULOUS to expect someone who has never driven a car to pick the car they are going to have for the rest of their lives.
The poor daughter in law. I hope she knows how to make boundaries with new mom.
Absolutely. She's quite young so hopefully she can be strong and the marriage will work.
Yep, MIL needs a life . Hopefully her son doesn’t try and control his 18 year old wife the way his parents controlled him
Right?! They are going to have conflicts.
Her brain isn't even fully developed, I doubt she can set these boundaries already. Took me to be in my mid 20 to friendly suggest stuff to others😂
Like brick wall boundaries
I am an army veteran I can tell you he likely married quickly to get out of the barracks. BUT she is also very controlling and I am not surprised he jumped right into marriage
But most military guys still jump to marriage because of the benefits. It sucks to say since I’m a military spouse but that’s not the case for me, it’s what I hear about young military couples. She said he joined at 18 and something about 5 years later meets this girl. So he’s 22. It’s still common as a very young military member to get married for unfortunately the wrong reasons. I don’t find it strange he got married instead of “dating” besides when she said to look for a wife not a girlfriend she meant date with a purpose to marry. I find it strange when she said her and all her kids are so close they talk about everything and life choices. If she’s this warm and easy to talk to about hard topics why did he hide the part he was literally going to marry this girl two days later after meeting the parents without saying anything about marriage? Knowing he knows she would be supportive. And then brushing it off when she noticed the ring? That tells me that he did take a serious life change to be with someone “forever” but doing so lightly? Like it does make me wonder if it’s more for the benefits and didn’t want to mention that part to the parents?
@@Lynn01816 He joined at 17. Clearly to get away from his mother.
Mom needs to relax. She wants to be in her sons life a little too much. Let him be and stop trying to control their relationship.
A teenager?
Never mind my bad, I’m behind, this dude is 23. She needs to back off
This boy needs to RUNNNNNN
@@DevHazyI hope he gets his housing soon and that when they have kids that he makes her back off with her opinions and foolish rules .
I made the mistake of reading the comments before watching much of the video and let comments give me an inaccurate picture of this lady. Sure I think it is wrong to not let your kids date and to be excessively involved in their adult lives, but in this call she is quite receptive and seems to have a big heart. Like let’s be forreal, a bad mother wouldnt hug a stranger that was just introduced to them as their daughter in the circumstance of an odd situation.
Agreed
Thank you! I was just thinking why aren't we giving her props for the amazing way she handled this?!
This is very insightful.
I too, sometimes let the comments influence my opinions about these things.
I think she's a little too controlling and naive. With 5 kids, there's no way they're all going to fit her imagination of how perfect their lives will be.
@@sungearI marrried into a family like this. We have four kids Ourselves now and My MIL still treats Us like we are still teenagers. 🤦♀️ 20 years later and their Mom is STILL like this and all her kids are in their 30’s and 40’s. These types of people don’t understand the goal of parenting. It’s that You raise independent kids, not that Your kids are dependent on You. Therefore the natural progression of life becomes something they dread.
It’s not that specifically. It’s that fact that she meet her husband at 15. This type of parenting messes up kids. Not saying kids should be having sex etc. but damn.
My parents did the “no dating” thing with me. I got married at 18 divorced at 22 lol
Shocking huh?
Yep my husbands parents are conservative and he got married at 18 divorced right away
Same to me just without the marriage. Fell head over heels off the bat.
You were young and stupid, I would let my daughter marry whoever she wants, but she can’t blame me for her mistakes
My mom wanted me to date at 18. I told her not to make me lie to her and sneak around. I started at 17.
I think it's so strange when parents are so involved in their adult children's lives. Just let them be an adult.
Heck yes. The control of his mother is so triggering to me!
Right! I was think this was a kid that just turned 18 last week. Not a grown man that's been in the Marine Corp for a few years.
I notice it's a lot of mothers with their sons. It gives me the creeps. It's like emotional incest. I could never deal with a mother in law like that.
This 100 percent
What are you people on about, the kids live with her, they clearly are close to her and the new daughter in law is clearly looking for a mother figure. There is 0 issue with this, did you even watch the episode?
Gosh this woman is weird. You can’t hold your children in a headlock until they are 18 and then be shocked when they go buck wild. As a Christian, it’s our responsibility to walk along side our kids as they slowly enter into the world while they still live in our house. not keep them from as long as possible.
Dr John is so right. We are no contact with certain family and we constantly hear things like "Life is too short to hold grudges" but we feel that life is too short to be around people who treat us terribly with no remorse. I have peace drawing the line and not looking back.
Spot on. Amazingly I'm dealing with this too and it's a learning curve but I'm holding fast. It took me years and a lot of heartache
I believe people are too quick to go no-contact. "Just go no-contact!" as if it's a decision to get bangs or not. Over ridiculous things like political differences, or *ahem* medical choices a few years back. It's actually adding destruction and toxicity, in cases like that.
And I say this as someone married to a man who was NC with his grandfather until the man died. But like, grandpa apparently made a pact with the devil, so 😬I believe it can be necessary, but those cases are very rare and don't require long explanations 😋
I think people that have (luckily) no experience with these dynamics, probably truly have no way of understanding what this is truly like.
I am a mom myself now and I find it impossible to imagine myself ever treating my child the way I was treated. I understand however, that it IS possible for other parents, because I was the kid in that situation once.
But when you have not gone through that yourself, and all you've ever felt is the love from your parents and the love you have for your children... You just have no idea. And you don't understand that comments like "I hope you can work it out with your parents" can be very, very painful for the child to hear.
I am completely baffled by this woman’s naïveté. It’s endearing at the same time it’s the biggest WTF. She’s been married for 30 years and has 5 ADULT children but she is so flabbergasted by ANY other perspective than her own wishing well. It’s honestly so interesting.
Wish em all well.
My mother's the same way...🙄😒
I've tried to pry the bar but some people just believe what they want and don't listen.
She's not naive; she's creepily involved in the most intimate part of her children's lives. I wonder what the husband thinks?
Its not endearing.
Any time people say "family is important, you should reconcile" i immediately thought, "well they dont get it. They havent experienced abuse. Theyve either been privileged to have come from a supportive home and cant see past their own experiences, or they dont see an issue with the abuse they experienced, are unhealed and in denial. Either way, not safe for me."
Exactly
Bingo! Family privilege.
This. No one who hasn't been through that understands the feeling of "I'd rather die than go back"
Yes. This. They are saying “disregard how you feel and make my life easier.”
I have a rule of thumb. If you have a long explanation you need to give for why you went NC, you probably acted rashly. NC can be necessary, but those cases are rare and generally, only require a short explanation to be fully understood. Because family IS important. There's no getting around how your family, or lack thereof, shapes and impacts you.
Step up and be the family she needs. She chose your family for a reason. There is a reason why she left her home.
sounds like her mom is not a good person told her to get a divorce. sounds like a she did what she did to get out of the situation she was in.
Mother in law isn't responsible for a grown woman looking to be adopted.
@@Kinksgalore It doesn't take much to be there for someone
He’s been a self-supporting adult for five years, he gets to make his own decisions. Let go, mom.
On target
That woman can't have a normal conversation with a person. She doesn't listen.
It’s frustrating to listen to!
she certainly seems to be struggling with the transition from teen boymom to MIL of an army wife 🤧
She's a narcissist. A Christian conservative narcissist.
@@LSSYLondon oh shush
@@LSSYLondonyeah
A person who has never experienced toxic family environments could never understand someone who has lived in a toxic environment. They wouldn't have a clue. The mother-in-law sounds like a wonderful person. Hopefully the daughter-in-law can learn to enjoy a healthy relationship with her new husband and his family.
Yes! I hate when people say “family is everything” and tell you to reconcile no matter what. People should not be allowed to mistreat you just because they are family.
My mom was emotionally and physically abusive. I realized at about 18 I did not love my mom. Thought I was crazy. To this day most people that knows me or my family have no idea the pain caused. They probably never will. I love how John handled this.
100%. No contact with my own family for years now, for good reason. Dr. D handled this one perfectly.
Mine mom is the same way. She Spreads lies and rumors about. Tells me I have weight problems and degrades my looks constantly. I do not any relations to her.
I feel you. Mine is a narcissistic and try to destroy my family after I tried to help her. I had to stop all communication with her. I’m finally at peace.
@@abbyxiong3931sounds like we have the same mom. She stopped talking to me when I met my husband cause a man actually loved me. Six years NC.
I've never been physically hurt but my parents never enrolled me in school and my bro was a drug addict so lots of neglect 😮 but when she was so fix this w parents. I can tell she does not emotionally understand we don't want to connect we want peace and not to be hurt.i am sorry your family was so harsh to you ❤
She seems a bit… controlling. She keeps going on about how she raised her kids, like she did everything right. But I hope she can relax and everything works out.
I was thinking the same thing, she seems very... intense. Well meaning, but intense.
He met a girl online and he is like 22 in a demanding job . She isn’t wrong .. this could be a disaster .. being married to a marine is extremely difficult .. I hope they make it but it’s going to be hard . I wouldn’t want my son to be divorced by 25 that’s all I’m saying .
"A bit controlling" Ya think? Would love an update several years from now!
“Suffocating “ is the word that comes to mind for me.
@@javaskull88 I like suffocating. Each couple has a turn. She already had her turn. She can buzz off and stop interfering.
Thank you Dr. John!
The book I Kissed Dating Goodbye was a toxic book and messed up a lot of Christian families too.
After reading that book I wished my husband and I had spent more time becoming friends while we were dating, rather than just not having sex.
@@clareemerson I wish I had sex before marriage. Biggest mistake to marry to have sex. Josh Harris was a homeschooled moron. No one should listen to him. Glad he got a divorce now. I read his ex's book The Woman they Wanted and it was eye opening.
The couple who wrote the book are divorced now.
She sounds like a wonderful mom and mother-in-law! She’s made mistakes (which many people could/would have made), but, golly, she loves her people well.
I eloped with my wife. I wasn't interested in hearing any nonsense from my mom. We've been married 9 years and my wife and mom are good friends. We live about 5 mins away from each other.
❤
AMEN🙏🏼❤️🙏🏼
My son told me on a Wednesday he was getting married on Friday. They've been married 7years now and doing great!
Yep, it can totally work! People now think they 'know better' but people used to get married in their teens and had a way higher success rate than people do now....
That’s statistics. People who are with less partners last longer .
I lived this. Now I’m sitting here divorced, smoking a cigarette, watchin my boy John.
did the people in the comment section even watch the video? The mums problem isn't directly with the son getting married but how to support his wife. She was shocked with the fast marriage but she was still supportive and kind to her son and her daughter-in-law, and it sounds like even if she is a helicopter parents she still has a good relationship with her children.
Thank you for saying this. She is getting way too much hate in this comment section.
In fairness it's hard to get through the same thing.
I just think it’s funny that she’s shocked because she literally raised him saying “you don’t need a girlfriend until you’re ready for a wife”. So he took that quite literally lol.
My first thought was “does he have money problems?” Lots of guys in the service get told “ you want a raise, get married and have a kid.”
Yikes, I hope that’s not his motivator. But since he’s able to live at home with his parents, rent free for now, I kind of doubt it’s a money thing.
Yeah everyone is focusing on the controlling behaviors of the mother but the military incentives early marriage
@@DannyD-lr5ygit’s very true stability and marriage are pushed in the service ..
Okay so also a mother of 8 young men and one daughter, 5 out of the 9 are adults now… What I cannot understand is this idea that kids should not “date”. Of course they should, in preparation for marriage. Not this hooking up crap that is happening but actually date. Get to know each other and themselves etc.
I met my husband at 18. We got married two years later and have been married 18 years, together 20. I spent the first few years feeling like a wild animal around his family because my family was so chaotic and his family seemed so "normal". I needed a lot of therapy over the years from childhood trauma and we also did marriage counseling because I was never taught about healthy communication, just how to react. His mother welcomed me with open arms and one of the best things I did was be honest with her so she really understood the relationship I had with my parents. Now she's proud of how far I've come and how her son and I have grown up together not apart. I really wish them both the best.
Thanks for sharing
That’s beautiful. We need more people in the world like your Mother-in-law❤
Overly strict parents always leads to rebellion and spontaneous decisions.
Edited to add: overly strict RELIGIOUS parents
😂story of my life
And only teaches kids how to lie and get away with things
Not always.
Not always
Incorrect, im extremely grateful for how strict my parents were. It set me up to actually be a functional young adult meanwhile I see most of my peers strugglimg, addicted to substances and poor.
Spot on, John. Not all parents are equal! The caller should focus on loving her son and his new wife and being a strong, safe place for them. Abuse from parents is a brutal chain to break.
Fully agree. 💯
The caller and her husband have done everything to push their kids into a life they claim not to want for them
Is this what you got from the call?
@nonosfavorites yep i did too
The last 20 minutes went a completely different way than the first 5
Yeah and I bet people stopped listening .. this women has been very graceful with her daughter in law
@@Kwildcat13 it's all an act....just like her entire (fake) life. I have no doubt in my mind. She said a bunch of nonsense when she was allowed to do the speaking, then very quickly changes her tune when she doesn't receive the response she was fishing for LIVE ON AIR. Behind closed doors where no one can hear or see, this would be an entirely different conversation. Master manipulator and control freak. She's literally talking about controlling her ADULT children's lives. It would be interesting to hear the children's take on "how perfect the home is..."
I'm a parent, but my child isn't even two yet so I can only go off of my upbringing. I never understood the parents who were overly-strict - felt/feel like that pushes the kid into that very thing their parents wish for them to avoid. I understand wanting your kids to avoid being sexually active as young teens, but to shun relationships altogether is an unsavory recipe.
You better watch him in PreK, Chalk-he could toddle off with another little girl & they could take a big wheel to Vegas 😂
I agree with you. This happened to my mother and aunt. Although their parents were old fashioned from 50 years ago, both were inexperienced and did not know how to vet. Both marriages were terrible.
@@annaelisavettavonnedozza9607🤣😂🤣
I can’t help but feel like this lady is an amazing mom! Maybe she helicoptered too much (still) but if you listen to the whole call, she was shocked her son go married so quickly but she loves her daughter in law, has given them a temporary place to live, and seems like they have a good relationship - much better than the young girls mom! It’s easy to say “oh these religious parents are horrible” but she sounds like a wonderful lady and I bet if we met the kids they’d be pretty awesome too.
funny because the household i grew up in my grandma didn't monitor me at all and i was literally so insane as a teenager almost no rules no boundaries and i did every horrible thing you can think of. so i'm going to have a firm hand on my children when they get older lol but i don't think dating is bad just maybe like how mormons or amish do it and it has to be with multiple other siblings/ friends and no alone time 😂
As a military veteran I have a different take. It could be that he was tired of the low pay and barracks life - a wife equals higher pay and stand alone housing - and a lot of young women in bad situations see a guy who has a job he can't really be fired from, who would give her government benefits and an easier safer life (she thinks) than what she currently has. This may not go well, as a lot of these young women have a lot of problems and are not ready to deal with military life, and I have seen so many divorces and problems because of the stress and demands. This is not going to be an easy or good time once they get into their base housing and start to realize how hard it is going to be.
Ding ding ding military marriages
Why does the US army incentive like this?
The fact that this women is calling, working through all this and her reaction at dinner welcoming her daughter in law in is amazing to hear. She was definitely grieving maybe the idea she had in her mind but I feel her children and daughter in law are so lucky to have her.
This woman is over-bearing and the new wife won't be able to handle it
After the 20 minute mark you can tell john is waiting for her to just stfu 😂😂
I love that this call in mom has accepted her daughter in law so well, yet it seems she’s a bit too involved. She has to let go, she’s trying way to hard to be the perfect mom. It doesn’t exist.
She just met this stranger whose now her daughter in law. Give her a break. It’s better she tries to get to know this girl, give this girl the love & support her own mom wouldn’t do. She’s showing this girl a healthy example of how important family is because that is literally what marriage is about. To show the young couple the means of support from family so they can show their kids too. I just got to say at least the girl’s parents are still together. There’s always polar opposites of married couples, one spouse could be coming from a healthy married family and the other, broken, blended or divorced families. She’s doing right. No offense to the caller but most sane moms don’t show love and support to someone who married their son without knowing one thing about them. It’s an absolute shock, the least the son could of done is told his parents he’s marrying her on that Sunday they met the parents instead of doing that 2 days later and not say a thing.
I met my husband online. He was raised in a very conservative family in Indiana, I was born and raised in Brazil. We talked for a couple of years and I finally traveled to the US to meet him. We spent 30 days together. A year later he traveled to Brazil, we spent 30 more days together, and got engaged. Nine months after that, he returned to Brazil with his parents and we got married. I moved to the US the next day. This whole situation sounded less than ideal to both our families, especially my husband’s. But they supported us and have given us space to make our own decisions. We’ve now been married for 12 years and have a beautiful 10 year old daughter.
This caller reminds me a lot of my mother-in-law! We’re so different, but she’s always made me feel loved and welcomed!
Beautiful story! May your marriage and family be blessed!
I met my wife in a chatroom back in 2001 when talking to strangers online was still considered creepy. We lived in the same city so I called her after a few days and met her at a restaurant a week later in June 2001. We hanged out after work EVERDAY and I met her parents a month later and we were engaged by September 2001 (this engagement was by her dad request to be honest---this is after only 3 months dating) and married July 2002 (13 months after meeting). She met all the checkboxes for me as a wife and I knew it. I have two kids who are older teens....and if they did what I did...not gonna lie.... I'd be scared as a parent and might even have to go crazy....double standard yes I know...hahahaha.
Who knows, maybe they'll be married for a long time or short time. Just support your son as much as you can. Young people be dumb and they eventually learn their lesson over dumb decisions they make.
Can't imagine this mom would really be on board with her son being married a short time to this person!
@@meganbaril7847oh well. He's an adult.
I'd say that separation from her family may be good for that young woman, it gives her time to heal and for them to learn to respect her
Thank you John for saying that the new wife might come from a toxic relationship. I had decades of abuse from my family and it's taken a long time to move through this.
I’m so sorry
Here is some advice that a friend's mother gave me (she had a very hard time with her mother-in-law), "Marry an Orphan."
I finally got out... and every time someone would say "You need to reunite"
Re implies it was ever united. No. There is nothing to repair. Nothing at all. And the more you tell me to, the more it's not going to go well.
Yep❤
Bro wanted to get out of the barracks clearly, the military financially rewards you for getting married quickly.
He's been in for 5 years, not exactly brand new.
@@Ryan-wx1bi more so mean quickly into a relationship, and skipping the dating phase entirely.
@@and1813777 at least it wasn't a stripper like most guys 😂
A guy I was in the military with went home on leave and came back married to a woman almost twice his age because she bought him a shirt. 😅
Great advice! There are legitimate reasons people go no contact with family.
When you choose to raise your kids in a protected bubble, don't be shocked at how much it hurts when that bubble bursts.
As good as her heart is, she has NOT prepared her children to live in the real world.
She’s very extreme and kept her kids in a box their whole life now they’re jumping at any opportunity
Wow. Your ninja level of patience at the beginning as you were listening to her. …😊. Bless your heart.
This woman is the clearest example of why mother-in-law‘s have such a bad reputation. Live your own damn life and let your kids become their own people.
You clearly did watch the whole video
I got married at 18. I’m 52. Same husband. Have a great career, lovely daughter.
You. Are. Rare...
Definitely the exception, not the rule
This woman sounds like my worst nightmare for a mother in law 😂 she literally knows nothing about the relationship with the DIL’s parents. She needs to mind her dang business. 😅 Nosy @$$
Met her husband at 15 but didn’t allow her teens to date. Okay, nut job! She sounds soooo controlling 😅
Did you listen to everything .. good lord I would hope my kids mother in law cared . She seems like a great mother and a good mother in law
@@Kwildcat13 I listened to the whole call, she sounds like a busy body who needs to mind her own. She’s trying to force the girl to reconcile a situation she knows nothing about.
@@Kwildcat13I agree
Thank God someone else can see through the bs. She is crazy. She changes her tune when she doesn't get the responses she wants so she can "look good" to people in public (on a public call). At the end of the day, she's trying to control the lives of ADULTS. Crazy. Master manipulation. Control freak.
I’m convinced that at the end of the calls when John is done and wrapping up that the caller is muted 😂😂😂
It's the Ramsey way .... I think it works
I think those final thoughts are recorded afterwards and edited in
@@auemmjeeno it's the muted thing, I've heard them mention it one time
I have noticed he presses a button when he wants the caller mute.
Yes
She is so beyond controlling she has a plan for all her kids lives - it’s ridiculous how are people supposed to know what they want if they can’t date! These people are adults let the live!
I’m about to be 44 and I’m a little girl broken by my parents while being a woman in her “happily ever after”…it’s such a conundrum of emotions.
This woman is lovely…I believe she has no concept of how broken this young woman was. I pray for them all.
Sincerely,
Never a Daughter
Please get a counselor or someone in your corner. I'm glad you're still on the planet 🌏. You are a beautiful soul.
This woman is greedy emotionally. She disrespected the girls family. Her son was wrong to do that and she did not tell him he did wrong.
@@milagroslh1551her “family” is probably a horror story…ESPECIALLY if she was raised by narcissists!!
You can shove your head’ further into the sand and stick with your thoughts.
@@CatharineCummingsI have a wonderful marriage and he is my rock. I’m 100% grounded in who I am and I know that my childhood (that chased me into adulthood) is what made me SO damn fierce about my future/present.
If you knew 1/2 of my story you would wonder why it wasn’t a movie already or why I have not called in to this show. 🤣🤣
Man, she would hate being my mom. I met my husband on adult friend finder. I invited him over for a one night stand, and he just didnt stop calling me so i married him. Figured if he didnt want to leave, might as well pay pess in taxes. So now weve been married for a very long time, and are raising 3 kids.
You’re kidding….right?
Ew
Nice
“We are stationed” told me everything.
Yep, it's a sure sign. She sounded exactly like the wives who present themselves as a military member. I haven't encountered a mom like that but it doesn't surprise me.
I get the wife saying "we are stationed" if the wife is actually going with the husband to bases all over the world. But not the mom of the service member.
She smugly went on about how wonderful her relationship with her husband is, and seems so overbearing, I wonder what the husband really thinks 🙄
Same with the kids. Do these adult not married grown kids understand how controlling their mother was and how that potentially hindered them! She sure has a rosy view of her family but that doesn't mean all of her family members share the same view.
Exactly what I was thinking
At this point, they're married. Your support and excitement are crucial for the relationship to be successful, especially since her parents have turned their back. Honestly their behavior shows me that she's probably running from abuse. I can relate and got married as soon as I could. Your family is now a safe space for her to get some stability and community. Please continue to embrace her (and her brother) and don't push any kind of reconciliation. If the opportunity presents itself, she'll take it. As kids, we all want our parents to be a loving safe space, but our parents sometimes refuse to be.
How? Sex is important for relationships
Mom thinks she can shape exactly how her kids will develop into adults... how surprising she thinks that everyone needs to stay connected with their parents throughout life. Lordy
You miss the part where she accepted the situation even though it was nothing like she imagine it to be.
Why don't parents LET GO? Especially now days. They want to keep adult children sheltered and in their basements forever.
You don’t know what love is
Your job as a parent is to give them a good foundation, keep communicating with them, and teach them to think for themselves.
Sheltering kids from the world is unrealistic and can even se them up for failure. That being said that you still protect and teach your children about the world.
I’m only at the beginning of the call and my family was 100% like this first part. 5 kids in my family. We weren’t allowed to date. Homeschooled. My sisters got married in mid 20s but neither of the boys got married. That is until last year my younger brother eloped with his first girlfriend of 4 months. Ironic hahaha.
Some get married to get away from home.
sure does sound like it
He was already away from home. He was more likely fleeing the barracks.
I did. Huge mistake!
Yup. Best choice ever. To get away from my crazy parents.
I know someone who did that. Our family tried to warn him and now he says he regrets not listening
Coming from a home that was dis functional and marrying into an amazing family, this girl is blessed to have married into yours! I have a similar situation too, husband in the military, got married quick, shocked his family. But they received me with open arms and I was absolutely changed by that. They have taught me so much and having a mother and father figure you can trust is life changing.
Kudos to you, mom, you’re loving your son and your daughter in law is amazing, even though they scared you, you’re opening your home to them. You’re amazing and she just needs you to teach her your ways and let her make her own path. ❤
Wow! I learned as much from the guest mom Melissa as I learned from Dr. John! She received feedback really well and seemed sincerely understanding. I listened to this three times in one day to internalize how she managed John's disapproval of her mothering style. She leaned into it with understanding. She seems to really know she is always growing too.
Everyone else is shitting on her lol. Kinda makes me winder if they listen past a couple talking points before grand generalizatoon.
As someone who was raised in a very violent household, you are wrong. You do not get to dictate what she does with her parents. Stop trying to control her and your son.
Yep
This lady is just too much. Too intense about freaking everything. Chill out and let people live their lives.
I like how she kept amending her previous statements whenever John would point something out as a constructive advice.
And I also think it's hilarious how she barely knows this person, and two seconds ago she was disapproving of the relationship and now she completely 100% believes this 18-year-old girl that her parents are narcissists lol.
Which basically anytime anybody throws that word around anymore it's lost all its meaning.
But man this lady is just so intense. I imagine that every conversation she has with everybody including with the barista at coffee shops is level 10 intensity
Just reading the previous comments, I don’t think people even listened to the whole episode. What a Gift this woman is to her new daughter in law… hope they all have a beautiful future together and the daughter in law heals from her past.
Malissa. This "child" is now a UNITED STATES MARINE. Let him go. You've done what you think is your best. LET THEM ALL GO.
I said the same thing, this is a grown man doing grown stuff. Mom needs to back up.
We don’t let them date but I met my husband at 15
Hahahaha
This lady is smug. I’ve met men’s mothers who are like this.
I can’t with this woman. That wooshing sound you hear is her helicopter flying over her perfect family.
Yeah, she drove me nuts!
It takes forever for these people to get to their actual relatable questions.
Plus having school-kid crushes is taboo when your only associates are your actual brothers.
True but many homeschool families actually go out and do a lot - in their communities, with other homeschool families, at local community colleges, etc.
I was homeschool led for elementary and middle school, and we did things like: took a science class where we dissected sheep hearts, went bowling every Thursday with other homeschool people, and had about 5-7 fellow homeschool families that we constantly did stuff with - they were more like cousins, really. I’m 30 now and am glad I wasn’t homeschooled for ALL my schooling, but like I’m still great friends with most of the kids from the other families.
Love this
Way to go Melissa! I know there are a lot of comments on here about being overprotective, but you sound like a life-saver from someone who has been there. Thank you so much for talking through this! This feels so similar to my own story...we didn't elope, but my in-laws would have supported it if we did. My own mom is not allowed to speak to me, and my siblings want virtually nothing to do with me.... all because I moved away from home (at 25)! John's right... in my case there was a lot of abuse growing up. My mother-in-law has truly become my best friend, and she definitely has shown me what a "normal loving Christian family" looks like! I am so appreciative that they have taken me in so fully! I am turning 29 in a few months and have been married (to the greatest man) for a little over two years and have a beautiful baby girl. So blessed! 😊 🙏
I'm glad this call is featured separately because I loved this call, as the daughter in law to such a mother. Trying to show more grace to my mother in laws helicoptering, and trying to focus on the love and supportive intentions behind it while also stepping into our own as a young couple.
Almost 2 years in that balance is finally being found, as we both grieve what marriage to her son would look like and both build something together.
It's been a bit rough and I almost gave up, but I think that new picture is being drawn😊
Wait her son is how old? He is a Marine! This is almost typical of military members they meet and sometimes marry. The Mother seems controlling and she can't control this so she is not happy. Get over it.
Did you listen to the whole call ?
You’re nuts
My husband and I have been together for 5 years and knew from the time we met we were going to be together. Moved in together after 6 months, married at a year and had our first son at 2 years. I’m now 8 months pregnant with our second son. Whirlwind marriages are not failed from the beginning. My mother adores my husband, his mother tolerates me. Pretends to like me, none the less, their opinions didn’t matter. We are the ones in love. We are the team. We are the one raising our boys. We are the ones choosing to be together day after day and to work for it. Parents need to step back and allow their children to be happy.
Caller... you're trying to mold and shape your adult children? They are making their own choices. Did you not raise them to become autonomous individuals capable of making their own decisions? Your progeny are not required to align their thinking with yours.
I have listened to Dr. John for a couple of months and with every episode, I am learning and growing and this episode is literally everything.
Great connection and advice on this call. Words cannot express how much I Love this caller. She is delightful, idealistic, a bit naive, Loving, and open to suggestions. I could see her eagerly writing everything down that Dr. John was saying to her. For a helicopter parent, she seemed reasonably self-aware, willing to make fun of herself for it, seemingly open to change, and is also approachable. That's one of the reasons "the argument" was so hilarious, because it was like a family comedy show, with the adult child giving feedback about her mom's "yelling" compared to her father's. The fact that this mom embraced her new daughter in law, despite the shock she felt, just speaks so much to her character and heart, despite sometimes making an incorrect assessment and potentially rose colored advice. Despite this young lady making a very rash decision to marry, and the fact that one of the reasons might have been to escape her home life, I'm really rooting for her in her new marriage. It seems like she married a wonderful family, and I pray everything works out wonderfully for everyone. By the way, Dr. John, you missed a gem of a potential by not calling her Sweet Melissa.
He loves metal. Not the ABB.
Something similar like this happened to my nephew and my sister. They were both were 18 went to Vegas came back home fast forward three years later divorced with a baby girl. My sister embraced it, and at the end of the day things were calmly settled . Everyone parted ways.
Point of the story, I could only go two ways they’ll divorce or live a decently life . Just hope for the best . And stop pressuring you child to not have bf/gfs and look for a spouse .
IT**
Your nephew and sister? So your siblings child and your sister got married??
My sister is 50 years old. her son is my nephew 18. Married a 18 year old girl .
Helicopter parenting should be called overly controlling, enmeshed parenting. Should be called “not letting your children be autonomous” Or even “forcing my beliefs on children and suffocating them with needing them to live, think, and be my way” parenting. “Even when they’re adults I’m going to control their lives” parenting. Helicopters should be offended.😂
I truly hope he's attracted to her because she's a great life partner and not because 'she needs help and I can fix/love her better than her family can'. That would be the beginning of a toxic relationship. I dated my ex partially for those reasons and became more invested in her because I wanted to help her. It's not a good foundation for any long term relationship.
May they be blessed. I know plenty of people who married young and had many decades of successful marriages. Yes, it is difficult, but it is also precious to grow together into a strong unit.
Times are different today. Getting married at 18 50 years ago is very different than today
You never know what's going on behind closed doors in a marriage... how do you define success?
I can relate so hard to this. My significant other has a wonderful family that is amazing. And my family is a toxic wreck.
Same. Married ten years now
Wow, she hit the jackpot. This is the fantasy for every abused child.
I can assure you, it's not as it seems. As the daughter of a mother like this who watched my older brother do the exact same thing wedding a woman from a broken home at a young age. My mother played the smug "good family" card so hard on this girl it was damn near predatory. Totally concealing the fact we grew up abused ourselves. I was a young teen at the time and tried to warn the fiance, but she wouldn't believe it. Poor thing just wanted what she never had and was fooled. Ah well, eventually she caught on, but by then it was too late. There's a sweet way to be abusive, this mom has it figured out.
@@thestorybehindthat5236 I agree. I was abused but my husband's father is also a narcissist. Took us way too long to notice the problems till we lived with them for a short time.
Exactly Dr. John!! Hello?!?! Homeschool your kids and be in their ear their whole childhood talking about spouses?? Come on mom! Dr. Nailed it!!
AMAZING MOM!!!! DOING WHAT ANY LOVING MOM IS WIRED TO DO!!!!! I APPLAUD YOUR EFFORTS!!!!!!
You must be a blast during the holidays lol
Had controlling helicopter parents like this in high school back in the day ( graduated HS in 1975). Ran for the hills to university life and learned about friendships, life, relationships, etc. I also worked part-time while putting myself through school. Being out of that controlling environment was so important for the rest of my life. I feel sorry for these adult kids and wish them well. I also hope that their son sets serious boundaries with his parents to protect his wife!
Everyone in the comments giving the mom crap like she didn't love on the girl the instant she learned about the marriage.... that was a shock to mom's system, and what overflowed out of her heart was "i'm so glad he found you." Major props to this woman
Most of the comments are from degenerates with kids in jail or teen pregnancies
I always say. "Free will is there in a child, from the very second you meet them"
Does this remind anyone else of Michelle Duggar of 19 kids and Counting? I wish this newly married couple well!
Instead of seeing her children as individuals with their own thoughts and opinions, shes trying to reinact her lifestyle and how she met her husband as a teen. I can see why so many kids grow up not knowing who they are. Let them make their own choices and mistakes in life. Plus shes being awfully judgemental towards these other parents without knowing the full picture.
The first few minutes of this were hilarious - coming from an adult child of loving, well intentioned helicopter parents (which also lead to my rebellion lol). I love this mom, what a sweet, well intentioned heart she has. That’s great that her DIL has her in her corner and can redefine what a family relationship could look like, since not everyone has parents/homes like that. Dr. John laid everything out so nicely. I pray they all find peace
As a child becomes an adolescent their time and attention should start to shift from the family to their peers. Yes, this includes dating.
She doesn’t get it. She is the definition of a helicopter parent.