Narcissistic Parents: How They Create Lifelong Abandonment Issues
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- Опубліковано 5 лип 2024
- In this video, I talk about the ways narcissistic parents cause chronic fear of abandonment.
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Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 1000s of people in the same situation as you. As a family and self-differentiation coach, he uses his 45 years of experience to help clients get permanently unstuck from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a true sense of self.
DISCLAIMER: This video is not intended to serve as a substitute for professional counseling. Be sure to consult a professional to help you integrate and utilize these concepts.
🔥Access my FREE Training - ‘Build the Self You Were Never Allowed to Have!’ jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webina...
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They all cut me off after I began to address the behaviour! I never had fit in, now in my mid 50’s feel so very sad I never realised all I know now much earlier , and it feels too late. Your videos are the best, thankyou so much.
Thank you so much for this vídeo. Lots of A-ha moments, thank you!❤
@@dancingqueen213160 here, going thru the same. I decided to be on my side and not beat me up for not knowing before. Even if it is for 1 day or 5min I will be on MY side and make it a great opportunity to be happy or content and better myself. The power is with me now!
You still have 20, 30 years ahead to be happy and fulfilled! Make it happen 🎉🎉❤ much ❤ 😊
The most difficult hurdle in my life was to believe that God loved me unconditionally and would not abandon me at some point. It all came from narc, dysfunctional parents. And this took many decades, unfortunately.
G_D loves you infinitely, as if you are the only person in the world. Sadly, people and organized religion fall short.
I left the church for a decade due to my narc parents and it took a crisis and some amazing people around me to guide me back.
I am using the church to make connections that are outside of my parents and hopefully can heal this wound in my faith.
Me too 💜🙏✌️
Jerri, I appreciate your comment...I'm struggling to believe God loves me. I realize where this has come from... Narc parents. I know... Thank you
Same struggle over here too. I also have trouble with trust.
Chronic fear of abandonment creates fear of real love......So you chose a narcissist to feel safe.....And there you are in the same game again.....
EXACTLY Jerry! At age 68, to finally realize I was the most normal, healthy member of the "family", was the reason I was rejected, scapegoated and made to feel like I was the crazy one! Feels so good to know the TRUTH!! :-)
This is my life too 😢
Me too, at 65.
I look at it as if someone can't be present with me then they are abandoning me.. If I pick people who abandon me then I abandon myself..
It was clear that something significant was missing in our relationship. This is one reason why did not attend my father's funeral. There was never anything of any real substance there. There were never any nuts and bolts to hold us together. This is one reason that I never heard from him in the nearly 30 years I was gone.
I cannot remember a single time my stepmom hugged me when i was hrowing up, that has to be a form of abandonment, it certainly is rejection. Great video Dr. Wise ❤❤
My mom doesn’t hug or show affection either. We are like machines.
Jerry, you are like an Angel in human form. The father we never had but always wished our parents would turn _into._
No amount of thank you's would suffice to express our gratitude for this channel and the HEAPS of validation you give us every day!!!
THANK YOU!!!😭😭😭🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Abandonment is a major issue of Borderline personalities. It seems like a lot of damage from narcissistic parents results in Borderline children.
I agree! Both my uncle and my sister have borderline (my mum and my grandmother are covert narc) and I have ocd mixed with depression and anxiety episodes.
It really is amazingly brutal & ice-cold to abandon your own child emotionally from birth...That's why these types of people will never be actual "parents" in my 👀.Genuine parental love & warmth is essentially necessary food for a child's mental health & well-being...They starve without it in so many ways.
True, I think in a lot of these cases it is because of underlying mental health issues (although some people really are just cold fish, so to speak).
Incidentally, my father was the narcissist and my mom was the codependent and enmeshed. Of course, it's the result of their troubled childhood, respectively.
Agreed - I was adopted and can trace where at least some of the trauma all my parents had came from.
Sir, you are truly a gifted therapist. Everytime that I listen to your videos, I get enriched and would actually give you a big bear hug at the conclusion if I were in your presence. Bless you.
Thank you for expressing this!!
This is exactly the truth, we tend to think of abandonment only in terms of physical leaving but the pain of someone who is around but never ever able to connect to you or see and hear you, only ever projections in their mind, is so much more difficult to process, has been the source of immense despair for me and took a long time to overcome. Also makes you very sensitive to any kind of disconnection with others even if it's just benign...
I had this experience as well. It's like growing up with a giant gaping hole inside your heart. A void constantly tugging at you, calling, yelling, screaming the more you tune into it and start listening. It's pure agony. You're living with these people, but not really. They're in the physical, but spiritually and emotionally they're somewhere else entirely.
@@almondmilksoda 🙏 exactly this! The agony makes it impossible to transmute the pain other than in tiny doses with lots of reparenting...
@@almondmilksoda I've been feeling this a lot as an adult - I struggled in school and was even mostly apathetic towards other people for years.
I'm improving with therapy, but my adult friendships are still following the same, well-worn patterns from starting to fizzling out because I have fears and above all, some kind of fundamental misunderstandings about how to 'just be' in one. I'm tired of this but feel like I'm up against a wall I can't even chip down gradually.
At this point I'm wondering how much of it is even me vs the people who I start trying to have friendships with.
I'm an adopted child, adopted as a six-week old infant. They had adopted another girl 5 years earlier and she was the Golden Child. Mom said they adopted a second child because they didn't want the first one to grow up as a spoiled single child
Mom used to tell me that "blood is thicker than water."
Nice thing to say to a child who has no blood relative. She also used to imply that she could send me back to the orphanage.
I'm so sorry she did that, that's so cruel. I hope you have more loving people in your life now.
Thank you so much! It's been tough, but I do have better people. My warmest wishes to you, also!@@aliendeathrocker
I have a similar story - a-mum wanted a girl and they - A-parents - wanted their bio son to not be an only child (I was fostered by them from age 2 and adopted later). Sadly, a-brother and I mostly didn't get on at all as kids, and although we're not close as adults, we get on and I trust him a lot more than I trusted a-parents.
I wasn't threatened with being sent back to the care system, but I was once threatened with boarding school for what was probably non-disruptive behaviour a-mum didn't understand, and didn't bother trying to talk to me about but wanted me to snap out of.
There's so much more I could write, but I'll leave it at that. My a-mum wasn't 100% bad but I don't feel emotionally close to her and we have a very surface level relationship. I barely connected with a-dad at all (alcoholic/bipolar and god knows what else was going on with him).
@@ShintogaDeathAngel Thank you for sharing about that. I grasp your hand.
If abortion was legal, I never would have been born…heard that one a lot.
Rejector not acceptor. Absolutely powerfully true.
This video is so accurate and spot on, described to detail. Knowing all this is very painful and i ask myself can they be more sick then they are already.
yes i don't like dealing with my older sibling. she is unhealthy in a lot of ways, and so that is why i choose not to deal with her. It's important to take healthy roles and be able to move forward.
I honestly tend to shy away from therapists that ever talk about religion, especially if they were a religious leader (I am an Atheist), however, the value and insight these videos provide is incredible, and I am beyond grateful this channel exists.
Same here🌞👍🏻.I'm a lifelong atheist but people like Jerry don't care if you're religious or not ultimately & I 💭 that's why his content is able to reach such a wide audience.
I'm an atheist.
Atheists dont believe in God but deep down knows a Creator of the Universe exist. What Atheists actually lacks is the knowlege of God. Keep going. Keep knowng. Dont stop healing and at the end of the tunnel you’ll find the greatest wisdom of all is that: it is indeed what your heart desires is God alone.
“My heart is restless, until it rests in Thee.”
- St.Augustine
@KnightGeneral (and here's where I heavy sigh) I understand that you're coming from what you think is a good place, but please don't tell other people what they do or don't actually believe when they tell you what their beliefs are. It's not just honestly very rude, and also quite off-putting when attempting to converse with your fellow human beings, but you would not appreciate that kind of commentary if it were directed at you in the same spirit. Please be more respectful of others in the future.
@@justanotherjezebeI Exactly there's a big difference between sharing your beliefs & outright pushing them. Unfortunately a lot(not all) of of religious groups/places of worship do try to push their views on others.
What are the down sides if I gave up self abandonment and all of the distancing, protective behaviours? I'd be completely exposed, a massive target with zero protection and I'd be wide open to getting hurt in multiple, horrific ways, at any moment. That's exactly how I felt and it's what was actually happening while growing up in the toxic environment I was in, which is why I developed these strategies in the first place. I WAS a massive target that got hurt in the most horrendous of ways at any time and there was nothing I could do about any of it! I have lived assuming that the whole world and everyone in it are exactly like the highly toxic, disordered, criminal and abusive people I was forced to live with. I was "adopted", kidnapped from my birth mother against her will when I was 14 months old. I was put into a family of absolute human evil. They were involved in an organized crime/cult that ran a child porn/trafficking ring and I was basically "adopted" to be a slave, for decades, to that ring. I went through very sophisticated trauma based mind control that was meant to keep me forever silenced. I escaped at age 42 and am undoing all the programming. They literally tried to destroy me but it didn't work. It's never too late to come home to the Love that is who we really are. I saw this in an NDE I had.
- [0:05] 🧠 Understanding adult abandonment issues: Trading self for a relationship can be a symptom.
- [1:07] 🚪 Narcissistic parents create abandonment issues through rejection and emotional distancing.
- [2:46] 🛤 Recognizing emotional intrusiveness as a form of leaving in relationships.
- [4:40] 🤝 Narcissistic parents tend to distance rather than connect emotionally.
- [7:02] 🔄 Examining self-abandonment patterns inherited from narcissistic parents.
- [8:11] ⚖ Considering the downsides of abandoning oneself as a motivation for change.
I'm confused about being codependent but actually keeping people at arm's length. It doesn't feel like I do that. Cuz it hurts when they reject me.
My golden child brother gets along with my narc mother on a surface level. However, he has always kissed her a**.
My mother (also narcissist) has this from my grandmother’s narcissism. She couldn’t sleep in a house alone and I never realized until close to my escape that it was most of the reason why she controlled me to never grow up and leave.
Yes, I can empathize with my younger brother being the golden child whilst my narcissistic mother giving him the conditional "everything" in exchange that he has the obligation to take care of my unmarried eldest sister whom had suffered chronic illnesses and insinuating my brother's son (nephew) to take care of her during old age.
painful, resonates, I was the lost child mostly but also the golden child as well depending on the situation and circumstances. much appreciated Jerry for your insights as always.
In my experience with the dynamics between the narc parent and golden child is definitely transactions for sure!
Internal wiring👍
At age 55, after a divorce, from a 25 year marriage to a nice woman. And I brought my new lady friend to meet my parents. My mother got her aside and told her, "i'm not emotionally stable."
I wonder why? I was a twin, the fourth child born 3 1/2 hours after my twin sister. Who was the third child of an unwanted pregnancy to begin with.
I was always, "that kid".
You tell your sons' girlfriend that your son is not emotional stable !
I wonder why !!!!!!!
Might be true and that she had anything to do with it gets pushed away by mentioning it like it were a ... birth defect.
Only the circumstances were fully out of order.
It's astounding how delusional and oblivious parents can be. Still just protecting themselves and willing to ruin and hurt their own child. But if you talked to her, she would be completely innocent /ignorant about it and use your complaint as a proof of your 'emotional instability '
It's our job to break free.
But it's just too much to bear with listening to such nonsense.
I hope your new partner has your back and makes your journey comfortable.
What is it with parents and their desire to interfere with or judge their adult child's relationships? I hope your new lady friend didn't take what your mother said too seriously, though.
Idk, maybe the threats of sending me away to military school at the age of 8, if I "caused trouble in school again(when i was blamed `for something I didn't do or know anything about, and still don't, while I was drugged for being a "happy hyper child",") had something to do with my Fear of Abandonment issues?
Sure, threats cause at least as much damage as hardship. As you cannot evaluate how bad it would be. Real facts you can deal with or literally possibly run away from. Not so from threats.
@@annelbeab8124The threats are actually worse. I've developed a habit of "worrying" because of all the "Future faking" and lies that I was told "Would" happen to me. I always think the worst in situations and try to avoid conflict and anything that could cause problems.
When I think something might happen to me now, I will be upset for awhile, but after a few days, when nothing happens, usually I will calm down, that everything has past, etc, etc. I also ruminate a lot about the past, and just realizing certain things that i could have done, or would have been different without my abusive parents, makes me at ease many times, because I blame myself so much and just wonder what I could have done to change that situation.
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I remember someone complaining on one of these channels how mental abuse either isn't real to them, or they don't know how people could think it's as bad as physical abuse, because he was beaten by his father. Sure, the physical beatings and the mental anguish are awful(usually the mental issues and trauma are worse than the beating itself), but when you are mentally abused made to believe you will be thrown away like trash, controlled like a puppet due to it, etc etc, it really messes you up. Mental abuse is also much longer lasting, and can be done over time, where the physical is a one time thing, or happens whenever. The Mental Game is a clearly calculated plot to destroy and tear the child/person down for eivl intentions.
I don't think we should be comparing each other's abuse, but sympathizing and helping each other.
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So basically, living in fear for my entire childhood, since 8 years old, believing if I messed up in school i would be tossed away, is very hard on a child. It also made me not trust my parents because I never knew what would happen. I also worked for my dad because I always wanted to help him in his software company, so I have been living with them this entire time. They would CONSTANTLY threaten to kick me out and to get a job, Mom would make it that i only had X amount of time to get a job, then it was BS and it never happened... But the threats were real. Now dad claims "I would never kick you out on teh street... we just wanted you toget a job..." Wtf? Exactly what Dr. Wise says. Nac parents never letting us children live our own lives and do what WE WANT. It's all about WHAT HTEY WANT. I just wanted to help my father... BUT HE JUST KEPT PUSHING ME AWAY.
I was also drgged with Ritalin because of ADHD, and that was another bit of suffering. I was consntatly blamed for "causing trouble for others/teachers," when all I was, was a happy, hyper, talkative young boy.
Now I'm a miserable, angry, resentful, middle-aged man, who hates life, doesn't want to go on, and is never happy.
It's so damn sad what neglectful parents do.
Very helpful video, once again very helpful. Thank you so much, Dr. Wise.
Glad it was helpful! ❤️
Intrusion as abandonment- phantastic aspect! It always felt empty. Or worse than nothing. No surprise to need a phase where no one can intrude and the solitude is discovered to not equal loneliness.
Golden children are often the "future" scapegoat. They often work hard to not be treated as the scapegoat. Often their natural talents are exploited by the parents.
And they see their siblings suffer and can't help them, especially when the older you feel responsible as you often were parentified.
It is not only the abandoment, it is also the fear of simply geting hurt again with words, drama, false accusations and all sorts of things.. being abandoned by them would have been a relief..
Jerry this is so good. Right on time !! Thank you very much for this - a parent
Thanks for watching! 🩷
My mother created this for me by literally abandoning me at school at the age of 5! Never heard from her again until I was mid teens. My dad abandoned me by NEVER connecting with me EVER....difficult for me growing up, thank goodness for my grandma. Once grandma died, I knew I was totally alone, now in my 60s, I still will not allow anyone to put me in a position of vulnerability or domination...I am very protective of my own space. I never had a hug, or an "I love you" EVER from either parent.
I’m so sorry. There are pure hearted people out there.
This made me cry. I hear you as similar with myself. I think you deserve some beautiful things to be bestowed on you.
I love my parents, but mom reacted very unsecure because of fear being abandoned , she was a widow..
You just described my relation with my mom in 10 min! Thank you. So much clarity.
You're very welcome!
That's sooo true about codependency but so many people don't seem to understand it because the way that the fawn response is viewed maybe? So many people use tactics meant to elicit the fawn response. Why do they like it when the fawning person doesn't actually love them?
Blessings Mr. Wise!❤ Happy Easter.
I aways believed everyone had a soul, now I know better!
Would you consider making a video to encourage us survivors who are now doing our best to be excellent parents ourselves, on the pressure that can cause on ourselves to be perfect in supporting our children, the upset when I notice ways I haven’t connected enough with one of my children before I evolved to the point I’m at now… etc… ? I hope I explained properly as I am emotional while writing the comment
I love you Jerry thank you
Great video. I have had two mental breaks in my life and am late diagnosed autistic, bpd and just diagnosed with CPTSD. I have boundaries with both parents and it is still difficult but I have outside support now. I'm aware I have attachment issues and am awaiting therapy. It does feel harsh most days, the downside to setting boundaries, knowing my relationship with parents can only be a surface level and being aware of my own pain and internal lack of protection emotionally. I would rather live an honest life and be honest with myself. The right knowledge is so helpful and yes I am mindful of who I can/cannot trust.
Looking good in your red shirt today, Jerry! ☺️👌
Thank you for making me a wiser person everyday
😌👍❣️
Thank you as always, Lisa!
Once again 100% true in my case, Thank you always for your help!!
💪😺🙏
My pleasure!
Hi Jerry! Thank you for your content,it is so helpful ❤ I grove up in narcisstic generation family (my grandmother and my mother are covert narc and my sister who is borderline) and hope to see one day your video about narc family curse. Thank you one more time for everything you do. Love from Italy ❤
You are so welcome
This is one of the best explanations of abandonment and narcissism I've ever heard. Thank you!
Thanks for watching!
Thanks wise words 🎉
They can't admit to or reconcile with me for the bad things they have done. Is it fair? No. I expect nothing but the absolute worse from them will continue. People don't change. I tried while they lie.
I drift in and out of leaving and distancing and self abandoning... 😣
Thank you so much for another great video!!
You are so welcome!
Eye opening thank you
Jerry, I worked with you many years back, as an adult child of an alcoholic parent. I really used to love your content and insights, and also benefitted from our therapy. Having said, your channel has become so ‘narcissistic oriented’. I noticed you have also renamed some of your earlier videos to narcissism. Maybe this helps with the UA-cam algorithm. Your content was better than the rest always but not as many views.
Thank you for your feedback, I hope you are well since we worked together. Many of my videos that include narcissism in the title apply to alcoholic parents as well. All addictions are narcissistic in their essence. I’m glad you enjoyed my older videos, the vast majority of my clients and audience come from narcissistic homes, this is why I’ve been focusing more on videos discussing narcissistic families. However as I mentioned they can be applied to other types of families, including alcoholic parents, dysfunctional and emotionally immature parents and families. It’s the family enmeshment and lack of self differentiation that matters more then the label i might add to the video title. thank you for watching and for following my work all of these years
The point is not so much how the parent really was, but that our interpretation of us stuck with us.
We should now be more interested in ourselves and rewiring than in anyone who had a role in it. A role we couldn't help and many of them neither.
I only feel that true relationships with parents can only flourish, if it's acknowledged.
If not, we better stay on a safe distance, but at least start to learn how to properly get close to ourselves, before we seek closeness with others. And we let our parents emotionally go and us off (their) hook.
Thank you so much Jerry 💜
You are so welcome ❤️
So true!! Thank you!!1
You are so welcome
❤really love your counseling so useful. Really honest
Thank you so much!
One question: though I can move forward without them, I have compassion on them and I am concerned about their well being as they are very old. Who will take care of them?
This is exactly it!
Thank you!
You're welcome!
So wise
God bless~💜💜💜~
❤️❤️
I don’t think I had the typical reaction to it as to what people would think of as fearing being abandoned and grabbing tightly to not let that happen. It just kind of made me think that I should never trust anyone Bcuz this is what people will always do to you. So idk. Maybe about half of us go that way. Keep everyone at bay. Avoid. Isolate. Etc.
And as I have read other comments…the most devastating part also for me was having a hard time trusting God. Before I at least thought maybe God never leaving me or doing me wrong was the ONE thing I could always count on even in the midst of my otherwise wretched, miserable life. So since I had that, I felt like I’d be ok. But one day that too was shattered and that was when I simply could not carry on anymore. Felt like Sampson when his secret was out. So they cut his hair and that was that. Before that I was rather like Timex. I just always got back up and could not be stopped. Until that day. It felt like death. And if I wasn’t really dead then I wanted to be or may as well be. Or a fate worse than death perhaps such as they offed my precious only child right before my very eyes. And I had to stay alive and live with that kind of impossible grief.
Still baffles me to this day (many years later) how nothing at all is sacred to them. How depraved does anyone have to be to desecrate even the very altar of God Almighty? To go around acting like sacred things are their toys to play with? 🤯🤯
Too bad it’s not still the OT days…like touch the Ark and die on the spot. Or enter the priests’ tent unsanctified and also drop dead. I’m pretty sure there’s a special place in hell for people like that tho. May God have mercy on their souls Bcuz they’re def gonna need it.
Jesus Himself tho seemed to have a very human moment in what must have at least momentarily felt like it was utter defeat and shame when He said “Father, why have you forsaken me?” So how much more would we be affected tho as we were not ever near as strong or as righteous as He was. I think it’s easy to forget sometimes that even tho He was 100% divine, He was also 100% human too.
What I would cling to or lament over would be something like that old song “I will trust in the Lord” one phrase that says “If Thou withdraw Thy self from me, oh where oh where shall I go?” (Aka without You what is there for me but nothing and death?). I could endure the worst of the worst this world throws at me, over and over….So long as God is with me. But alone…I’m a dead duck.
Sorry to go on and on but this really struck a chord with me.
How does them accepting you ‘create difficulties with shame within themselves’?
I don’t understand what that means.
The videos leave me feeling so conflicted I can’t take it. Am I thinking about my ex-wife? Am I thinking about my dad? Is it me. Is it one of my kids ? is it all of us? Is it none of us?
I just watched this video through the eyes of five different people and saw multiple narcissists all over the place. From each persons, unique perspective. This is a spectrum disorder, right?
What a mess. Maybe I’ll just walk away from everyone altogether, including therapists.
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
This could help
Find you vs just walking away from everyone
It's like a goldilocks horror story. They're either too close or too distant. Never "just right", never present. Like, hello?! Wake up from the delusional denial already!
The reason we have slavery and human bondage in this world is because of this abandonment. The victims become self loathing.
Thank you sooo much Jerry for explaining this ❤❤❤-Xclusyph Icon
My pleasure! Thanks for watching ❤️
Hey jerry i didnt understand why when codependent are asking for approval they are leaving that person?
I would appreciate an answer 😊
What is self abandonment? Can anyone give an example plz?
Having dental problems but not going to the dentist
Needing to reduce contact with an abusive friend but not doing it for fear of what the friend would think
Understood. Thank you for the work you do!