Narcissistic Parents: Things they Do That Are NOT Normal
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- Опубліковано 9 лип 2024
- In this video, I look at some of the things your narcissistic parents do that are NOT normal.
If you're finally ready to get your dysfunctional, narcissistic family out of you and enjoy a life free of their toxic grip, here's how I can help👇🏼
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Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 1000s of people in the same situation as you. As a family and self-differentiation coach, he uses his 45 years of experience to help clients get permanently unstuck from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a true sense of self.
DISCLAIMER: This video is not intended to serve as a substitute for professional counseling. Be sure to consult a professional to help you integrate and utilize these concepts.
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"...don't know any choice C" - Ouch, soo true. I'm so stuck between the "guard rails" my parents set up for me 5 decades ago - Having that conflict out in the open for the past two months (for kind of obvious reasons :) and almost immediately losing a lot of the blindness towards myself and the way how I communicate with and present myself to the world, feels like discovering a new universe step by step!
Some may want a rise out of you and some actually didn't want you and meant it multiple times through their words or actions/inactions of abuse.
ALMOST 1,000 VIEWS in just 13 hrs•••• this speaks volumes!! Why is it then, if as common as these numbers reflect it to be, so difficult to relate to others in trying to break free of this enmeshment & control??? It feels so isolating because of the POWER they’ve managed to hold over people. ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
Most narcissists parents/ brothers also have high level of Grandiose Delusion Disorder:
- The narcissists parents/ brothers think themselves to be the center of the universe and need constant attention and love from nearby people's
- Grandiose Superpower Delusion: most narcissists parents/ brothers/ people's deluded themselves to have superpowers and need constant respects
- Think To Be Multiple People's Delusion: Some narcissists people's/ parents/ brothers also somehow deluded to think themselves to being or become multiple others people's with multiple identity, such as included think themselves to being actors and actress
- Think To Be Famous People's Delusion: One of wierd symptoms of narcissists grandiose delusion included the narcissists think themselves at being famous people's in histories or in modern times. Some people's think themselves at the actor Hugh Jackman/ others Hollywood actors and the others narcissists think themselves at famous historical figures such as Napoleon and even Jesus.
they try to get you upset and angry so they can instantly become the victim and tell people what you have done to them. these parents can cause depression and anxiety easily because they are so abnormal and twist your reality.
I have known "good" families who have lost their scapegoat either because they unalived themselves or overdoses. Such "good" families are excused and pitied because they have to "put up" with a family member they made sick and still societies keep being blind about this issue because masks are more important than beings.
Exactly! My mom always repeated, “Everyone knows how badly you treat me!” - such lying behaviour, it’s almost evil. She is still living with me and I’ll be 53 years old. She is just as nasty if not worse - the more I ignore her games and her controlling behaviour the more nasty she becomes. But cutting them out of your life as much as possible is the only way you can survive.
Yes- amen and Yes. Father & mother NEVER happy, unless we were reduced& CRUSHED
We don't talk about the un-alive attempts/ completions & self-harm type behaviors that are sadly fairly common among victims particularly when they aren't educated about what they've been through😮💨.
The worse thing is that thay twist your brain so much that you serve tham without noticing that you do.Far worse are people who say its your mother she loves you .🤢
I can help you with this one.......NOTHING they do is normal LOL!! Thanks so much for the work you put into this topic. I am 56 yrs old and I wish I had known what the problem really was while I was growing up. I always just blamed myself.
Agree! Looking back there was 0 show of emotions
😂😂😂 Period
Wish I could give your comment a million likes 😊, lol!
Check out Dr. Ramani's book It's Not You. It's not you; it's them. Yet who actually went to therapy on and off for 30 years? Me. Them? Only when forced.
@@sh6460 I appreciate that!! It is just fact as I am sure you probably know!! We are survivors!!! Much love!
Yes! They force the kids to make them the center of the world, and when the kids become adults they have no clue how to decide nor speak for themselves. The adult children may remain with the narc parents forever, and the parents can’t figure out why their adult children won’t move out or be a somebody in the world.
My experience also. My Narc father intimidated me out of exploring, infantalised me, made sure I could never see multiple choices and then attacked me for everything.
I finally moved out at 27 and am almost 40 now.
Ooh I personally witnessed a sideshow case of something like this, but rather than the mom deriding her daughter for not moving out, when the daughter finally did there was a damn breakdown. This daughter was a roommate pushing 28 years of age, two months from moving away from her mother. They both had panic attacks and crying fits over the phone and this daughter kept going back home to stay for long periods of time. It was really, really creepy to witness it. My god made my skin crawl. I didn’t know anything about enmeshment back then or I would have understood.
I definitely can relate to this
I moved out in my 30s.There was no in vestment for me to be my own person. I’m now no contact.
And they'll shame you for that too.
They just can't see you relax for a moment.
👍
We were never EVER allowed to nap or sleep in. This was back in the '70s, where you had to be AT the bus stop at 5 to 7.
Yes exactly 💯
@@dubaiedge damn
true!! They hate to see you at peace or happy!!
It is not normal to hate your child like my mother did.
Even if we did have dreams or goals they're difficult to achieve when you are daily fighting to survive emotionally...
Yes so difficult to thrive when you are just trying to survive - this emotional crippling narc parents inflict on us stays with us well into adulthood and you have to constantly work on healing to escape it. It's a long term process. You are not alone.
Goals I had were fully and almost instantaneously achievable. I wanted a car, I could have gone out, signed up for a loan, had a car. BUT, my parents controlled everything. No matter my money, they took it. No matter my job, I was “bad” at it. “Bad” at money.
Now I know why I struggled for years never achievinglittle goals. Hell I wasn’t allowed to buy myself anything and when I tried to THEY TOOK IT! And yelled at me to get them more!
So yeah. Absolute wasted potential in my youth and young adulthood. Still makes me sad, but, there’s no time for that. I need do what it takes to educate, and then spend time being happy. I’m sincerely not trying to be as miserable as my parents.
I so get what you just said.
Bingo!
They sabotage or belittle any goals or dreams. Call you a dreamer and tell you to stay grounded, all because if they can't visualize you doing something or tolerate that you may actually be successful as you may out shine them and god forbid steal some of their thunder. 🙊🙉🙈
My Narcissist mother destroyed our family!!!!!
THE one and ONLY task they do well
Mine too.
Mine too.
Mine too.
Mine also.
When my first child was born my mother scolded me for interrupting her talk to go to my crying baby. She told me they (babies) manipulate you from the day they’re born 😮 I’ve done all my parenting the complete opposite to how she raised me and my three daughters are lovely humans 💛💛💛
I was told the same by my toxic mother and her mother.
What is ABN?
@@SirenaSpades Thankyou for pointing that out cause I have no idea 😂 I’m thinking an autocorrect or fat finger glitch 🙄 I’ll edit and remove 😄
I don’t know you but I applaud you for choosing to act out of love instead out of habit (what you’ve seen).
Same, I love my kids unconditionally because that was not my experience. That's the only positive I can take from her parenting
If a parent ever tells you "I wish you were never born" , the C option is to go No contact, forever!
ouch
They shouldn't mind then, right? Wish you never had me? Let me help you emulate that. Bye!
Narcissist reminds me why humanity sucks I rather die alone then to live with someone like that
Jesus is the answer for the world today. Above Him, there's no other. Jesus is the Way. 🙏❤️
Me too.
Take care. Keep hope. Pray about it all. Be thankful for life and for this beautiful world and for the many wonderful people in it. It is a fallen world, yes, but we do have Heaven to turn to. You have been tested and hurt, but comfort and recovery really do exist.
I hope i don't sound 'preachy'. That is the last thing i want to be. I just want to encourage you. I am recovering from years of not understanding what was happening to me until very very recently..☦
Good. Because if you educate yourself and filter out bad folks hard enough you will use that mindset to keep yourself safe! And you can find truly good company in friends and new family.
My polarity
I had a choice of sadness or depression. I was not allowed to be happy, joyful or well 😞
Same. Happiness meant I might challenge her which wasn’t allowed. Staying sad meant she didn’t feel as much of a need to put me in my place.
Me neither. During Covid my constant smile was hidden from view. As soon as I realized I was FINALLY being treated well, I force myself to scowl anytime I’m in her home. I already had to die to abuse, but I used to smile accidentally. Now there is never ever an accidental smile. I watch my back because she’s always always there to emotionally stab me in the back any moment I’m neutral or happy. What a hateful hateful woman. I wish she would kick the bucket already, sadly she’s taking forever.
And when I showed my sadness/depression around them my enabling father would mock me by telling me to "SMILE"!!
The orbiting around Mum, wow, so accurate! 🎯 Even during my father's funeral, it was about HER grief, no one else's really mattered. She was cold and passive aggressive towards me. Currently no contact.
I wasn't even allowed to cry when my father died. Every time my brain started to accept his death, my golden child sister, first born and a pharmacist, pumped an easy pill into my mouth. I was too much in shock to put up any resistance.
yeah.I attended my granddads funeral and I came out of it more shocked that my mom talked shit about me to my uncles than seeing my granddad in a coffin.I was upset for days by her behaviour, plus grieving.We cannot accept any normal behaviour, just loose the delusion they are normal.
@@Lyrielonwindso sorry to hear that❤
Good riddance. Same with me. My stepdad was a good and somewhat naive person. She shamed him, manipulated him and even beat him, and then she was a star of his funeral. No contact either.
Both parents alive now, but I saw what awaits and quit being the trust executive. I will not put up with the npd while I grieve my loving parent.
The writing was on the wall.
When someone shows who they are, believe them.
Just (finally) knowing that what they do is not normal, it's not okay, is one of the single most healing things ever.
Exactly.When I realized what a wack-job my narc father was....It was as if I could feel a 🗝️ finally unlock my psychological shackles😌.
I totally agree with you.
I think his Coca Cola analogy is so helpful.
I used to think of my mother as a 12 yr old. Now I also see my sister as a middle school mean girl. Sad.
Damn I got those to.
Emotional age of NPD is 3-5. Ex: temper tantrums
Yes! My mother is exactly that still at almost 80 and yes, my sister came out of the womb a bully and now is 50 and still so freaking mean, I am still afraid of her at 60 : (
They want to provoke us. Let us not be provoked. True. Thanks a lot!
Parents are primary caregivers. You blindly believe them what they say. They say insane things and you believe its truth. You absorb that twisted perspective of yourself and reality and get confused and surprised when you hear other opinions.
Nobody mentioned this. Thank you for showing the way out of the labyrinth.
My dad told me " you're an investment that went wrong"
nothing subtle about his narcissiscism . Lol
😁...& he was a lousy stock that went down in 🔥🤭.
My parents cut ties with me at 18 and sent my siblings to Ivy league schools. They said it without saying it.
@@beng4647 1 way or another your sibs will pay dearly for any goodies they get in various ways...Be glad to be away from your unhealthy parents🌞👍.
My stepmom made the unspoken rules, mainly that everything was her way or the highway, and we knew better than to challenge her. It's like she carried a big hammer, and if you ever questioned her or--god forbid--went against her, the hammer would come down on you. Even my dad was afraid of her!
SAME here...my step is a covert narc. i lost my mon when i was 2
@@RestauranteBeiraMar I'm sorry for your loss. I understand bc my mom left me when I was 6 mos.
My 83 year old mother 😶
Same here, but switched, my mom was the enable and her husband was the abuser controller.
My dad is incredible, but he’s become afraid as well. She is absolutely ruthless and cruel to no limit. I hate her for her life and awfulness. May she live not that long so she quits making everyone suffer so much due to abuse.
I was infantilized throughout my childhood and adult years to the point that whenever I was around my mom I would revert to a very childlike state, passive and obedient. I remember being in my twenties, at a cash register with her at the mall, and the cashier asked me a question, but before I could formulate a response my mom stepped in and answered for me with a laugh like, oh she's too young or dumb to give you a reasonable answer, so I have to help her. I never felt able or capable around her, even when I had kids.. she always treated me like I'm a child and honestly during that time it was really hard for me to parent, because I didn't feel like a real mother. I felt like a child. Fast forward to nc for five years, I'm 47 now and finally feel like a real adult and mother.
I hear you on the parenting your own children thing. Mum was constantly overriding my decisions and boundaries, and being hypercritical of anything I did with my kids without consulting her. A couple of months before I went no contact, she was yelling at me for where I took MY SON for a haircut. "Why didn't you take him to the GOOD BARBER or the hair dresser?" The tirade went on for about half an hour, with question after question as to why I didn't do what she would have done. And not that I need to justify such a choice, but it was chosen because it doesn't require a booking, and my health is so screwed that we need to roll with things like haircuts on a day when I feel ok. I've explained this to her about a million times. Plus my kid LIKES the job that barber does. Also of note; the alleged "good barber" is only known as such because that's where her CLEANER takes her son 💀 We've been there, and got a shocking cut. Probably bad luck, but my kiddo isn't keen to go back there. Anyway, she completely ruined an absolutely beautiful morning. We'd had such a lovely time, getting his haircut and going for hot choccies and treats afterwards. It was just one of those days where the weather is perfect and everyone is smiling, everything went smoothly etc. Having her ruin what little joy I had REALLY got to me, and made me realise how often she was doing that. 7 months no contact, I'm still adjusting.
Oh, and then there was the salt debacle. I cook everything from scratch, and for health reasons I need to consume a lot of salt. I ordered it in bulk (9kg 🤣) and I mentioned it. Boy oh boy. Half hour tirade about how I'd (obviously) bought the wrong Celtic Sea Salt. Not even the wrong type of salt, but the wrong type of specific salt. She wouldn't be convinced that I was happy with my 9kg haul (🤣) and insisted that I needed to buy the brand she bought, because she did a lot of research, and it's the best one. This was a week or two before I went no contact. 3 months into no contact, I did a deep clean of my daughters bedroom. I shit you not, there were 3 packets of Mum's preferred salt in my daughters room. It had been sent home, because obviously I wasn't just doing myself a disservice, but I was depriving my children of THE Celtic Sea Salt of choice 💀
@@prashantiyoga3554I get the feeling I know where a lot of your health problems stem from 🤢. Speaking from my personal similar experiences with super awful “mothering” if you can even call it that when it’s so toxic.
I’m so sorry. And also so happy you’re out.
My mother was still trying to dress me well into my thirties. Unbelievable! These kinds of mothers are so sick!
I got shot in the head while walking down the road. I called my mom and told her. She said, "you are such an angry person."
Omg
It is extraordinary the way that they do not see the harmfull way they treat others, even when they are being extremely violent. They seem to be blind to their own behaviour even though they criticise every tiny thing you do.
Their projection of all bad feelings and greed drive is truly unfathomable.
Your happiness is thier misery
And they enjoy our pain and misery. This never changed. They died, convinced they were so perfect and so abused by my refusal to play, to comply.
This is why I avoid anyone that tries to be like my parents because I instantly don’t trust them because you don’t know me lol
Called my mom first time in 14months. 6 minutes phone call, she blamed me 4 times in that time spent and i yelled back at her, I raised my voice for the first time in 3 months. Thank God I’m not the actual problem.
The best podcast on narcissistic families!
Thank you. Your videos have helped my wife and I heal from both sides of our familys generational trauma. It has stopped with the family we have created. ❤
Jerry’s videos are excellent. He really nails the dynamic of narcissistic parents and the games they play.
Appreciate your kind words.
00:00 🧠 Narcissistic parents create and sustain a toxic "super self" that dominates family dynamics and influences individual identity.
02:22 😶 Narcissistic parents exhibit self-centeredness to the extent that they fail to recognize the emotions and autonomy of their children.
03:39 🔄 Narcissistic parents impose polarizing choices on their children, limiting their options and perpetuating cycles of anxiety and reactivity.
05:17 💭 Narcissistic parents blur the boundaries between their children's thoughts and feelings, hindering emotional maturity and self-awareness.
Even after marrying and having my own family it was expected that I (the scapegoat) was expected to drop anything I was doing if they deemed I could do something for them . The siblings 'had lives' and I "never do anything" anyways . My thinking had to become - why don't you ask the kids you love to do things for you ? But I was the troublemaker in the family b/c I got so I wouldn't be manipulated .
Wow . We must have the same parents! 🤍
@@infinitycosmos4723all 3 of us !
I like that your videos are not lengthy. It's hard for me to watch and learn how awful my parents were, for 20 minutes or more. It's easier in these shorter videos.
Appreciate your feedback!
You have helped me. I'm grateful!@@jerrywise
When my covert narc husband suddenly died after 32 yrs of he'll, my daughter could not understand the sudden peace in the house. I am living with her now and we have a wonderful life and a sense of the real normal. She refuses to talk about him and are overprotective with me. God stepped in.
Yes. Thank god. 🙏 I am so grateful this happened for you.
God is Faithful🙏🏽
Thank you for your insight! I’m tired of feeling bad because I literally can’t make her happy. I can’t do enough. BTW, I’m 60 years old.
I understand
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
Wow "polarities" point is so true. My narc mother would force me to take her side and hate on my father and push me into getting involved in their fights but after they both made up I would be left confused and so hurt and lonely and my father also acted strangely as he stopped interacting with me.
The dynamics in a dysfunctional family is so complex and difficult for a normal sane mind to comprehend.
I'm currently a caregiver for the NPD mother who abandoned me when I was 16. I just finished my MSW and every time I try to start finding a job her beginning stage dementia suddenly becomes so much worse but honestly, I think some of it is a bit of an act. When I try to set a boundary with her, it's like I'm handing her the ammo to know exactly how to trigger my cptsd or just upset me and it's her new favorite thing to do. I'm exhausted and this is like a cheat sheet for not engaging. thank you!
I'm so tired. I have to learn not to react I hate how ai feel when I react to my mother. I'm 40 and I'm tired😢
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My father would come home and before both of his feet were inside he had something to complain and yell about.
Totally normal in my home 🤷🏽♀️
My mom was always angry when she got home. When we heard the garage door opener we would run for our rooms. Even my golden child/ flying monkey brother. Yup, normal ¯\(°_o)/¯
I would hear dad’s car come up the drive and start and feel anxious. I would watch his face when he came through the front door to see what mood he was in as that would dictate the ‘theme’ for the rest of the evening.
@@susannewman7228 Yep...Both my mom & I would actually jump whenever we heard my old man come up the driveway, it was as if we 👀 a horrifying monster suddenly jump out in a horror movie🙄.
My siblings and I would all retreat to our bedrooms when our father came home. I remember him coming to ours rooms, flinging open the doors, yelling, "why do you all close yourselves in your rooms when I come home?!!" Gee, dad, I wonder . . .
It has nothing to do with normalcy but more a conditioning to fit in for not having the authentic normalcy to compare with and coming out of this madness system.
1 of the biggest problems people like narcs have is perpetually blending their thoughts & feelings and if you pay close attention you'll realize over the long-term a lot of things tend to end up backfiring on them....We should all take it as a warning about why it's so important & healthy to learn to separate the 2.
Legends in their own minds.
My son called me after 6 months of not talking to me and asked why i didn't let him see his father. I always let them go to their dads when their dad asked. I assumed when they got older they would see the truth. 1 has, but my son believes things that never happened and now said he has no spot in his life for me. He wanted me to apologize for something i refuse to apologize for as it didn't happen, but he believes it did. I let him go live with his dad when he was 12 and he never once spent 1 weekend with me. He is now 23 and still believes i never let him see his dad. Im at a loss😢
I’m thinking my dad is an asshoole lol
How right you are! I grew up with a narcissistic mother and everything you say is correct. I'm having to learn to be normal at age 60.
ABN, "American Boomer Narcissist". It's an epidemic.
Why are they all like that tho?
@@Arginnegood question! Wish I knew the answer too.
Narcissism is not the purview of any one generation. Please stop the ageism. It comes from generational abuse, is passed down until someone breaks the cycle.
Narcissism seems worse in older people because they are no longer pretending to be nice. It will happen to your generation, too and good luck with that. ✌️
@@Arginne When I was little my mom would kick me down the basement stairs. I learned that I could fall a flight of stairs and stand back up. That's the only difference between me and my nark mom_ I learned to get back up _ she learned how to step on her opponents neck _ she don't know how to get back up_she only knows how to get u to try and help her up.
@@Arginneall generations have narcs, but the boomers were the first "me" generation really; that hippie movement that railed against their parents and those old school, traditional values. Hippies pretended to be about community and love, but were mostly just selfish and drugged out of their gourds. Lol.
My narc mother used to greet me at the door with "You're on MY time now!" the moment I got home from school. And proceed to list off all the housework she could think to do. And if any of it wasn't done "properly" she would scream and yell and tell me I was stupid and blind not to see it.
I'm 1.5 year no-contact and I am just now realizing the extent of how horrible my childhood really was.
Awesome how accurate that is…thanks.
You're very welcome, thanks for watching
I will certainly let Jerry regulate this… but I do know from experience, that when you first get this sort of valuable information, emotions come to the surface. That is completely normal, but not where we are going to wind up.
We can get back (or maybe for the first time) to a place of quiet confidence and relate to others very gracefully..
Takes some time, trust the process.
Thank you, Mr. Wise. You summed up my late narc mother and grandmother's abnormal, dysfunctional crap perfectly.
I'm still detoxifying from those years.
I will never forget my mothrr's words at dropoff my junior year: 'Hope you find domething to do for a living - you're not coming back to MY house'. Whose house....?
This video absolutely resonates with my situation. Thank you so much!!! Sending love and light ❤
Thanks for watching!
My mind was blended 😅
Jerry, I like how you keep your video's short and compact, condensed and to the point.
Glad you like them!
I like how you done them, your video's are much appreciated tnx@@jerrywise
They make problems that we present to them worse. I use the example of my treadmill might malfunction (high stressor event) and gets stuck on very fast mode. If I ask them for advice or just talk about it, they'll blame and shame me which is them turning the run away treadmill all the way up to ludicrous speed.
They will literally run you into the ground if you let them.
Absolutely, depleting in the emotional body beyond words, when the body is compromised with illnesses that is a Clear sign of the toxicity.
The lady that went through the birthing process tried this shit with me on my birthday 😅 ✂️
They like to wreck Holidays, Bdays or any day that is special to you...Classic Narc.
“The lady that went through the birthing process.” 🤣 I love this❣️
Always ruin a holiday or special day somehow.
My stepson's mother arrogantly said to me that since I've never had children of my own, I couldn't be a mother. She couldn't possibly have a more narrow tunnel of vision. Firstly, what a gross assumption to make (I could have had a child and lost it), and her son is absolutely frightened of her. Ultimately, they're just incredibly pitiful people fumbling their way around within their own darkness within a world they don't understand.
I need your help. This situation is getting out of hand and I am very shaken. I just had surgery and come home to my mother who I am a caregiver for and she complains about everything. I was in the hospital for 5 days with a major surgery and then got RSV. I am literally losing my mind. She states she has no time for her hair appointment. I try to ignore her but I am at my wits end. My dad died a year ago and she has no one else - wonder why? I don’t have the money to just leave and with my health issues- it is impossible at this time. Thanks for any insight and or hope that can be shared. ❤
Put a lock on your room’s door and ignore the noise behind the door. You need time to recover after surgery. Her hair appointment can wait. So typical of narcs, they’re such sickos. 🙄
@@darialo8740 Good idea - a door lock and ear plugs.
Who looked after her while you were in hospital? Could they be persuaded to come back, or would they want to be paid?
Whenever she complains, can you respond with "not my problem" or "I don't care"?
I hope you can minimise contact with her, at least while you're healing - and that your healing will be fast and complete.
@@lesleyvivien2876 And hang up a “DO NOT DISTURB” sign on your door so they see it. Lock your door.
Gray rock.
Sure you will absorb it. It is attachment trauma. You love her and trusted her.
Thank you for this. It wasn't until age 45 that I realized there was a C option. I literally didn't understand that until I began watching videos where you and others spelled that out. Amazing how we missed out on learning healthy ways of thinking and responding. Trying to correct that now. Thank you!
And I was always wondering why me and my sister would argue all the time probably by the time I was 78 or 9 years old something like that my mom turn my sister against me I haven't seen them since I was 17 I'm 32 years old today and good riddance to them they can go to hell for all I care they're evil they're so evil you're so good at explaining everything Jerry absolutely this is like bang on
Thank you so much, Jerry! This is absolutely true!! When I was reacting to the narcissist's instigations, I definitely was not acting in a mature, healthy way at all. Thank you for this reminder. It is time to move forward, be true to myself and grow! ❤🎉
You're welcome! ❤️
The polarity thing is so spot on. I've had plenty of times in therapy where say something about only being able to see 2 options, and my therapist goes, "What about option C? (insert option here)", and I look at her like a deer in the headlights before going "That's a thing? I never would have thought about that.", or, "I would have gotten slapped for that". I even remember an "option C" type of discussion in college and I flat out said, "I would have gotten smacked for being a smartass for that response" and the class went dead silent. It was my biggest and first clue that my parent were abusive.
The law is on my mother’s side. She’s evil.
Narcissism is truly the opposite of Christianity. It is totally centered on self, Christianity teaches you to he focused on the needs of others. My dad came from a very balanced, Christian background and town, went to college and married a woman from an immature, non-Christian family. Now we have two generations of train wreck-the only other-centered person in a narcissist family structure becomes the only one who deals with the tragedies like an adult. He’s the only one saying no to drinking and promiscuity and dis-ordered life choices. And he gets to clean up the messes the narcissists make. I see narcissists as very immature and irresponsible. I hope my kids will have different futures.
My sis is Christian and goes to church weekly and she is the biggest narc ever. Terrible judgmental person.
I was 30 before I realized my father is a narcissist, and his parents are in that territory too.
My parents divorced when I was 10ish and I was stuck with my mother. We didn’t see eye to eye on anything and I felt like I was always under attack. We fought like cats and dogs until I moved out and I gravitated towards my dad because he presented himself as the safer parent. He was also my trustee… after over 10 years of bouts of homelessness, alcoholism and displaying BPD and narcissistic traits I found god and realized it was always my dad who was the problem. The financial abuse and gaslighting and emotional abuse… I cut off my whole family a while back and now I’m reconsidering my relationship with my mom
Perhaps your mom has CPTSD and that's not a good profile for being a single parent.
My son and I lived something like you and your mom.
My genitor was his trustee and turned him against me and made him an alcoholic and drug addict.
I know I was so imperfect and made lots of mistakes while raising my son, but none of those errors were done on purpose or in a sadistic fashion.
I have appologized to him endless times.
I decided to go no contact with my son as it's impossible for me to help him and he and my genitor are eating me alive.
I pray God Will open his eyes to the evil he Is engaging, because he Is the next family scapegoat if I'm not around any more.
So, just know that if such Is your case, I'm sure she's (your mom) suffering while facing the consequences of her mistakes, the way I'm.
Wow, I just found the most beautiful community to exist online. I pray for healing and restoration for both of you.
If they'd said they wished they hadn't had me, I'd have agreed with them 😂😂😂
That's sad. It's your turn to create the life you desire now. I wish you the very best in life ❤
@@BeautifullyModest
🙏
As it's so often been said every child deserves a parent...But NOT all parents deserve kids.I hope you're moving forward with peace🕊️.
My parents once caused an almost year long fight because my father didn't appreciate that I gave him a "glance" when he was acting irrational (I am in my 40's)l. I did not do that- I know better by now than to tangle with him ever. But they caused this giant fight over absolutely something they made up in their heads. They ruined so much and will continue to do so. They act like victims. Meanwhile, their grandchildren who witnessed this whole thing will never trust them nor want to be around them.
And then they complain about never seeing them but never ask or think about why that might be.
OMG I can't believe you used the example of " I wish I'd never had you" my mother used to say that A LOT 40 years ago until I said " I wish you never had me too when I was about 12."
Bipolar society for the win 🎭 Nice work!!
Excellent video Jerry!! I appreciate your time and dedication putting this information out here on this platform. Narcissistic awareness is key to surviving in this World today. So many variations of narcissists out there including family members. Thank you Jerry for everything you do!!👏🏻😍👌🏻
thanks again for another great video, you are the best at breaking this topic up. My father was and is narcissistic and it is refreshing to see the patterns i grew up with clarified and spelled out so clearly in your videos. There is great power in naming a thing.
Thank you, Dr. Wise, for identifying maturity - the ability to separate thoughts/thinking and feelings. You’ve helped me immensely today.
You are very welcome
A rough paraphrase of the point that most resonates w/me:
To become less reactive, we need to learn to separate our thoughts from our emotions.
Mr. Wise, your sage words remind me of a dear pastor/friend also currently living in Indiana. He taught me there is a "responding vs. reacting" way of approaching life. Praticing this "way" is the hard part.
Thank you for ALL you do, Jerry.
i checked all the boxes for my step mother
Thank you for #4 in particular.. They love to disarm me by provoking my anxiety/anger
👍✌️🇦🇺
When there’s a disagreement,
when I need to say YES
or when I need to say NO,
when I need to state my needs,
and ask for them to be met...
When I need to create boundaries...
There's a possibility and a probability,
that someone will inevitably,
most likely,
be disappointed in me...
So I engage in every encounter,
interaction, and relationship...
In a way that ensures,
that the person disappointed in me...
NEVER
ends up
being me!
I aim to never repress,
never suppress.
I aim to never lose parts of myself.
To never fragment.
Radical honesty only:
100% of the time.
Always,
all ways.
If you have difficulty with emotions and boundaries...
EXPERIMIENT WITH THIS:
Next time you experience a strong emotion that's overpowering you,
stop for a second and observe it.
Just observe the feeling without any stories about it or whatever it means to your life.
Just feel the emotion as it is.
Perhaps it involves a burning sensation in the stomach or maybe a flutter in the heart.
Observe its physical manifestations in your body.
And also observe its effects on your mind.
Maybe it makes the thoughts start racing.
Maybe it confuses the thinking apparatus.
Observe all the facets of the overwhelming emotion, scientifically.
The way you might observe a strange bug you see walking nearby.
Or maybe the way you observed raindrops on a window when you were a kid.
Really the goal is to learn to ride your emotions the way a Surfer rides waves.
You don't just crash into them and you don't just let yourself get pulled under.
With practice you can learn to ride them to shore.
(Jesus said when you learn how to suffer you also learn how not to suffer!)
Hey Jerry - this is off topic, but wanted to suggest an idea for future video. When I woke up to the narc parent topic a few years ago and started looking at "trauma" and what "abuse" was, I realized I had the exact symptoms of someone that was "mo lest ed", but I have a very good memory - I remember my 1st birthday and very detailed memories of traumatizing events at young age (2-3 yrs) I am as certain as I can be that I was never "physically" abused like that, I don't think it is repressed, I don't think it ever happened, yet I have the exact symptoms. A few years into learning about narcissism and re-living all the psychological and emotional abuse I did receive from mother, and having her around as an adult, something finally dawned on me.
This person is intent on creating the exact same "invasive" feeling one would experience while being mo lest ed. And they do it in a completely non s3x sort of way - nothing "in sest" related, nothing like that at all - that aspect is completely missing, but what they will do, is very "innocently" try to find something you're a bit emotionally squeamish over - they have a way of taking two non compatible emotions and mixing them, or they get to running their emotional fingers all over you so to speak and they are looking for a response, like a twinge from you when they get near something you're especially sensitive to. Then they dial right in on that thing. Like a person physically touching you until they get out of bounds and touch a sensitive area and you finally react to pull away, then they fixate on that area and start asking you sick questions.
They would get all weird and ask "what's wrong" and the more you signal to them to step back, the more they run their emotional fingers over the topic, and it's in this sick "mommy just cares about you" kind of way that gives you the heebee jeebies. You're forced into a situation where you're explaining what they are doing to you, while they look on with almost a sick curiosity and enjoyment of your discomfort. Just like a sicko that's physically touching someone in a bad way, then making that person explain where exactly they are being touched and why exactly the victim is uncomfortable with it, etc, when the perpetrator knows damn well what they are touching.
This feeling of a person backing you into a corner predator style, deliberately making you uncomfortable, then trying to get you to describe to them what they are doing, and why this is a problem, and the more you try to explain the more they touch the topic until you finally have to shove them away - they are going to keep it up until you get angry and shove them away, then of course they're going to go away pouting and sucking their thumb like you hit them with a car - and they'll keep that sh*t up until the end of time until you're forced to ask them "what's wrong" then they'll re-tell a twisted version of the situation like a victim and they'll be right back to the squeamish topic.
And they are *ALWAYS* looking for a situation or topic to begin this process of "innocently" backing you into a corner like this. It is extremely emotionally invasive, the same way a physical abuser would be "invasive".
When they are sniffing around looking for one of these nerves, you tend to almost hold your breath and wait - almost as if a predator was sniffing around for someone hiding - they may tend to hold their breath and hope the predator moves by and doesn't notice the nerve. You tend to actually just allow them to poke and feel around in topics and emotions they have no business being anywhere around in the hope they will just move on, because if you show any kind of push back at all - it will initiate the above situation. Eventually they will walk so far over a line that you have no choice but to tell them to stop. Which is met by "what I am I doing?" and here we go again.
This is what those "physical abuse trauma" symptoms were coming from.
I also stumbled on videos relating to how physical predators groom young victims - seeing the signs, understanding the motivations of the predator, etc. And brother, I can tell you this.... the behavior is almost IDENTICAL. I began telling myself and realizing that this person does to a victim emotionally exactly what a "toucher" would do to a victim physically, and it turns out for the same reasons. From what I understand a "toucher" does this mainly for power - they like to do this to a child that has no way to escape and so they can get away with being invasive. That is EXACTLY what the narc does, but instead of touching private parts, they are running their fingers around emotional topics that are way off limits. (and again from what I experienced, the topics have never been "s3x ual" in any way - it's any other topic or emotion you're uncomfortable with, and often in this kind of "swooning" kind of tone that feels gross).
Once the situation involved grand kids, I also realized that the behavior between the narc and the grand kids was almost identical to a physical groomer from the vids I had watched. If it had been my dad behaving in this way with the kids, it would have met the red flags for physical reasons. When mother was behaving in these ways - always a fixation in trying to create time alone with them (we were usually together as a family with my wife there so she never had much "alone" time to manipulate them), but that was always the drive, and you got a sense of that snake like intention as she went that direction, and she would still try to manipulate them in similar emotional ways right in front of us. Trying to create a "special" relationship with them, talking to them in this overly emotional tone, running her emotional fingers around them, etc. Always trying to pull them aside and emotionally influence them to look to her as the person that "cared" about them and look down on their parents as though we were villains, etc.
Anyway, I think it would a good video if you could help put that situation in order for us. I think I've watched every narc video on youtube, and I've never heard this connection explored - the fine line and nearly identical behavior between a physical and emotional abuser.
Thanks for your channel Jerry. You're one of the best coaches I've seen when it comes to understanding the narc parent situation. God bless you brother.
You describe emotional incest very well here. They will not let you have your own space mentally or emotions. They love your feelings of unease and want you in that state of mind all of the time.
@@amberinthemist7912 I always thought "emotional in sest" had a "s3x ual" aspect to it. I have heard videos from others who did experience that aspect and could hardly listen because they were so gross. My narc is very intelligent - she is always smart enough to specifically not do things that are obvious boundary breaking (coming over unannounced, etc) - she reserves the boundary breaking to things that are much deeper and more substantial, so maybe this was a similar drive but on subjects that weren't so obvious. Thanks for the comment. That gives me something to think about. Very curious what Jerry has to say on the topic. Cheers.
They ARE physical abusers in a way....They violate & abuse our darn 🧠s.Great detailed description🌞👍🏻.
@@daft4682Yes, it is called emotional incest. That does not have to include physical incest, but it can. Narcs have no empathy or compassion for anyone or anything outside of themselves. They are without conscience. I really regret not going NC permanently with my parents. But they thankfully died when I as in my 30s. I’ve finally come to the conclusion that they never loved me. They were incapable of love. If the same can be said about your parents, think carefully about how much you allow them to have access to your children.
This is the same as CPTSD.
An example of polarity choices.. they will say if you can’t follow my rules under my roof you can go be homeless. They can’t imagine you’ll survive w/o them.
It’s been a little while since I’ve watched any of your videos, Jerry… but whenever I do, it’s totally relevant and I learn something new! Thank God for you and your work! Thanks and I hope everyone here has a great day.❤
Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm glad that my videos continue to provide relevant insights for you.
Dear Jerry Wise,
Can you please discuss the dynamic of the Toxic/Narc Inlaws going after thier Daughter Inlaw.
Thank you
I have a video on this topic ua-cam.com/video/Cc1srcnBMto/v-deo.htmlsi=PU7YojQyiRMWOQWX
We had similar dynamic - mother abusing me (son) and trying to polarize grand kids against me as my wife was standing right there watching. This was constant. Constant disrespect to me, grandmother was constantly trying to be mother to the kids, almost being a surrogate wife to me, thinking she was in charge of the family, etc. My wife is fairly conflict avoidant. Mother took advantage of this, saw it as a weakness and though she could just have her way with the family and my wife would just allow it.
This was actually an advantage in the end. Mother was always trying to walk all over me. We eventually moved away for other reasons, mother didn't take it very well and kept it up from a distance. Eventually my wife had the courage to explain life to my mother. She essentially stepped in and said my mother was no longer welcome in our home. Narc parent of course wants to know "why" so she can interrupt and twist anything. Wife came right out and said mother is consistently disrespectful, is trying to turn children against dad, and finally said "there's always problems. That's the answer. It's always problems, so you're no longer welcome here until further notice".
That was also the conversation where I told mother "I will never have another conflict with my mother for any reason for the remainder of my life". And since then, any time (on occasional brief phone calls) when mother attempts to manipulate, I calmly say "oh, well I'm not going to conflict with you", then remain quiet until mother responds (which will be abusive) then I say "okay, you're being abusive so I'm going to let you go. bye" then I hang up the phone. So far this is working. I don't intend to ever see her again. We have a plan in place if she shows up at the house - my wife would deal with her, tell her she's not welcome, and I would not be anywhere near it, because mother would be there to punish me.
So I guess I'm saying - when the time is right, you may need to explain life to the inlaws and cut them off, but your wife (I'm assuming their daughter) needs to be 100% on board - you can't ever go back on it for any reason. She can never cave and allow them in the house - the inlaws will clearly see it as a competition between you and them, and if they are able to re-take any boundary you have set, they see that as a win and they will double down. Good luck friend.
Daughter in law here. Your husband needs to handle the demon, not you. You both must support each other and he should not cave in. My hubby supported me everytime the demon attacked, slandered, accused me. She has tried for 43 years to split us up, didn't work. She accused me of cheating, wanting to shoot him, brainwashing him, made him alienate the family etc. None of it was true and one day when she was at it again, he told her I knew everything she ever said/accused me of. "You shouldn't have told her" the demon said. Her victim halo shattered that day. We since walked away some time ago, no contact. My own mother was no better, she passed 30 years ago and I'm free of that demon. In the meantime the monster-in-law is driving herself nuts with her fits of rage and rant. We don't care anymore!
The other posters who answered are very lucky to have their spouses on their side. I have spent my entire marriage as a part of a narcissistic family dynamic on my husband’s side. I think in recent years, my husband has started to understand, but that doesn’t undo the damage done over the first 25 years or so.
My auntie or mom's close friend also said the same thing "your parents are still love you" (meaning they can controlled me whatever they want, and not let me feel freedom)
I wish you'd use more real life examples. I feel like I'm listening to text book without really enough applications to real-life context
Examples do help
Thank you.
You’re welcome!
And its naracissitic to think our unconcious or traumatized behaviors are provoking by intension.
If a man only knows happy.. stuff feelings and then blow up because he was taught his feelings Are to be stored or not identified as “frustration or dysregulsted internal nervous system.. “ and they simply “react” .. reaction isnt a choice in fight or flight.. therefore you cannot say what we do is to provoke you. When you do something that first triggers our “reaction”
Thats not to disregard our need to learn that our nervous system is broken or dysregulsted (but if we are blind surrounded by reactionary people) we have zero clue thats not normal until we are removed from the enviornment thats triggering us.. given time and space from the source of “shocking” and behaviors and reasons and explanations that we are first shocked by nervous reactions and then expected to respond… “normally” .. to us that is “normal” not a reaction based on inability to see our patterns of cycle .
We are seeking to Disolve our feelings..
Btw singinging and dancing verberates nervous systems and dancing breaks up hardened cortizol.. both help being stress down.
Art therapy helps and then your body starts telling you it hurts.. things we call “armoring” Which prevents us from the emotional/mental/psychological abuse done to us.. that we then do to others not knowing its “abuse” ..
Please understand Disorder means we cannot control it. Therfore its not a conscious choice.. projecting onto us that it is us doing something to you disregards completely the “disorder” and perpetuates the record in our head we are bad’ when we are also victims and have no way to fix it..
Its easy to project that we are doing something to you. Its harder to ask what patterns create what and try to Go after the nervous system to calm it down before we go after intension and mental health.
We “armor” against therapist who tell us we might be the problem because problem to us means we should be flogged and beaten.. humiliated or shamed for years .. and we dont want that.. so we deny responsibility to avoid the punishment.. rather then others seein as us needing help and giving us ways to get that help. Without feeling like were awful people ..
If everyone says we are intensional .. they lack ability to get past themselves to see us as in pain as well.
No one wants to live in fight flight freeze fawn .. we just dont know the difference until were given space away from the people we provoke..
And as a social worker. I saw a lot of boundaries crossed hy women who “poke the bear” because they have a fear of rejection. Which leads to continuous Pushing of the man until he erupts .. and then he gets labled the problem because she lacked boundaries as “well” or as the “victim”
Its a cycle (goes round) for a reason. There are people with more or less responsibility or problems to fix but we attract toxic people because we are toxic in different ways.. but then we project onto Them they are the problem (being the “problem” shuts them down”
Gotta come at this with
Perspectives
Patterns
Provision
Not Blaming. Blaming is what keeps walls up.
Which is the “a&b” thinking you mentioned.
I am the problem . They are the problem. Creates a hidden problem .. cuz no one wants to be the fall guy or fault line.
What appears “intensional” can be Lack of skill.. this is what makes the other go away.. this is how i get space.. that i asked for .. in a way i didnt understand because no one taught me my what Frustration looked or felt like.. so i waited til bottle and then erupted.
CBT and DBT work on behavior but lacks insight into the environment that creates our reactionary needs being met by the behavior.
I like that option C and never thought about letting them own their thought rather than absorb it. Eye opening. Thank you!
Ross Rosenberg has an excellent UA-cam video on option c called "Observe, don't Absorb".
I found it helpful.
@@Z1nny thank you, I'll check it out
When they drop a plate and break it, the narcissist walks to the 4 year olds room, grabs him: "Your fault! You understand?! You made a mistake!" And they bash til the child takes responsibility for everything that goes wrong.
What would you call a person who covers for and protects and makes excuses for a narcissist?
An enabler
"enabler" or "flying monkey". Or even both.
1 more thing to call them...A unhealthy person to avoid as much as possible🌞👍🏻.
WHY do they enable like they do? And at the expense of other ppl the enabler claims to care about
My father
My elderly narcissistic mother recently stated that she wouldn’t like it if her adult children were away at the same time. Now in the group chat with my siblings they are arranging holidays so they don’t clash with each other. The mother demanded this, not requested. I won’t be joining that scheme. They are still under her control in their 50s and 60s.
Thank you. Its so hard once you understand and realize the o ly way out is OUT
Common doesn't have to be normal and normal doesn't have to be healthy.
Exactly.
Exactly...A serial killer's idea of "normal" might be having a bunch of pieces of ☠️ family members buried in their backyard but that sure doesn't mean it should be YOUR idea of normal😅.
my mom used to tell me all I do is eat sleep and shit... would always test my limits ... if I did one thing well.. I can do them all well . and oh man if I didn't.... crazy that a person so limited in thought know how to do things better than the person doing them(me)
fast forward I'm 56 care giving... basically POA ever her estate because she has " memory problems" never been diagnosed with anything... believes there is a pill to help her memory... doesn't care about bills or nothing.. just what she wants ... to eat sleep and shit ....I'm at the point now where I don't care for people and I try to limit my interactions... I was always an outsider... now I'm ok with it .. peace and love to you all
This is a sad reality… Sadly my daughter never got along with her dad…. I always make sure to tell my daughter how much I love her and how much I value her opinions ,how much I learn with her.
THANK YOU for EXPLAINING THE INSANITY That They Do and Act as IF IT IS NORMAL and You are The One in Sane or WITH PROBLEMS! THEY LOVE TO BLAME, MANIPULATE, UPSET, CRITICIZE and YOU ARE EXPECTED TO TAKE IT ALL W/O SPEAKING UP for YOURSELF or DISAGREE! THEY DON"T ALLOW YOU TO HAVE A THOUGHT, FEELING, CHOICE, or DECISION UNLESS IT IS THEIRS. You are NOT Allowed to have Your OWN!!!!! HEIGHTENED ANXIETY Limiting our choices: Either give in or get upset!!!! NAILED IT EXACTLY!!!! Needed THIS Explanation and visual. EXPLAINS Nightmares TOO !!!!
My narcisistic mother put me in an emtional box, which I was never to step out of.
Spot on with that self centered blindness
Love this video, thank you Jerry.
You’re very welcome, thanks for watching
JUST FOUND THIS SITE YESTERDAY. Have watched a few videos. Not many. Not going to overdo it. I won't say anything personal here, but i get it, i finally get it. The comments i have already seen are amazing.. and YES, peace does come to the house... Lord, have mercy on the souls of those who have done so much damage... and on the ones who suffered.. but endured, overcame, or are overcoming. We must and should live in hope. And forgiveness.. laying down our burden forgiveness.
Jerry you are a God send! The choice c option never occurs to us - I have struggled with this my whole life. It also applies (I think) to realizing you have choices in how to live your life. You kind of just exist and just react in life instead of being proactive - because you don't know how to even consider what you want or can do, what choices are available to you (if that makes sense). Also, the coca cola analogy helps me so much - that really puts their accusations, insults, demeaning treatment into perspective - I really needed that. Thank you!
i just found myself and why it always felt so weird. thanks for your wisdon.
Jerry, your words and excellent analysis mean the world to me, thanks a million for being such a beacon of light and hope in the whole destruktive chaos of narcissistic (family) abuse. There is indeed an option C and you are so supportive along the way, I am so very grateful for having found your channel 🙏🌻
Wow, thank you for your kind words.
Good one Jerry! This is Jerry 2.0.
Thank you.
Polarity Choices, A or B, 1 or 2. Ugh, still struggling with that at 62. Took forever to recognize how that negatively impacts my life. And being time-pressured to make a choice. Thanks
My Mom has all of her grandchildren calling her Mommy W•••a Princess of the Universe & can not call her Grandma😒