Two Reasons Why We're Still Single
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- Опубліковано 9 лип 2018
- There are two big reasons why many of us remain single far longer than we might like: we love ourselves far too little. Or we love ourselves far too much.
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FURTHER READING
“The common-sense explanation for long-term singlehood directs the blame firmly outwards, it isolates the problem to one of mechanics: one is still single because one hasn’t, perhaps on account of having moved to a vast and anonymous new city, been invited to enough parties, or because the constant requirement to fly to the Singapore office leaves no time for the right sort of socializing, or because one is holed up in a remote village high in the mountains connected to the more densely populated lowlands only by an irregular bus service. These may be solid enough reasons, but when the problems persist over an extended period, their power to explain our situation weakens. Without anything remotely persecutory or unkind being intended by this, one is forced to cast around for psychological rather than procedural explanations. The problem must lie in our minds rather than in the world.”
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2 Reasons:
1. They're not interested
2. I'm not interested
so true!
A lot of the times when it's someone interested in me and I'm not, it's because I don't find them sexually attractive and everyone in the "same league" is either always taken, not looking, or a known cheater
Yeah, that's usually how that works.
Maybe you Should start to see the amazing sides of the people interested in you. Just Explore and See if you get interested at the worst case you get amazing friends
Simple, hard to hear but straight on point
I'm still single because I'm here watching youtube videos telling me how to live
Scott Bonner boi you went real
dont roast us all please lol
Those seeking self-help have a leg up on those don't
lol I was pointing out the self irony. I watch too much UA-camz, that's all
shit
I’m single because I’m focusing on healing past traumas and building a healthy relationship with myself before I try again.
💯 true that
Same here
Do it, very brave decision!
More power to you ❣️
Facts
You forgot the 3rd reason: Trauma from past relationships.
Indeed. Starting with parents. Ho hum.
Correct
The trauma from a past relationship could very well lead to you being in the 1st or 2nd reason. Unnecessary.
BANG on the money.
You r right
I'm single because I'm attracted to people who are not attracted to me. Vice versa
That's the realist thing I have ever seen written.
Maybe you only find them attractive because they don't find you attractive and you can use that as an excuse to avoid intimacy and the pain that accompanies it.
Maybe because the people that like you, you dont find attractive. And the people you do like, you don't ask out.
SAME HERE
YEAHHH, same.
Reason 1: I'm ugly fam.
Reason 2: I only go out to buy groceries and for work.
Daruny Beoulve this is literally the story of my life.
I used to think that I was ugly... until I got 15 and I realized I was hot af. End of the story.
@@immersiveparadox good for you?
But you aren't hot at all, you just started living in delusion.
Welcome aboard ....you are now sitting in my ship and I am the captain and owner of this "ugly" ship :(
It's interesting how the School of Life just says we're single because of these two reasons, but the truth is bigger, just like everyone's comments here show. We may have trust issues, we may be physically unattractive/ugly, we may be poor, we may prefer solitude, or we may just prefer to look for ourselves before investing in a relationship because some of us actually CARE about having quality relationships, perhaps because we've seen relationships that lack quality i.e. from observing our parents etc.
Well you can't really go too deep in an 8 minutes video, I believe these videos shouldn't be seen as invalidating people's feelings but rather as a starting point to understand oneself better. For example there can be many many reasons to why someone feels unworthy of love, they don't go into specifics, the viewer is the only one that can truly know what's going on. These videos also can't substitute therapy and it would be a bit unfair to expect they would.
The message simply goes back to "good enough" - stop searching for mr right who will make you happy 96% of the time and settle for mr realistic who will make you happy 91% of the time.
@@angelavalentino203 you're on point
💯👏👏
According to research, 80% of all women are attracted to just 20% of all men (leaving LGBTQ people aside for the moment), but the reverse is true for men: most men have SOME characteristics they'd LIKE in a woman, but there are plenty of men out there who would go with just about anyone of the opposite sex....as long as sex is 'on offer', so to speak.
(Love, of course, is a totally different matter for both sexes).
To deny this is to deny statistics and reality.
So the chances that you're a male AND single are at least statistically likely.
I haven’t dated since my first love. They messed me up that much. I hope all y’all get to experience love at least once in your lifetime, it is truly the best feeling I’ve ever known.
I agree but it sure does suck when you lose it.
I know the feeling, she cheated on me with a close friend of ours, it's been 1.5 years and i only had interest in one person after that, but it didn't work out, i hope you're doing better.
Normalized abuse=narcissist magnet..I don't believe I've ever felt love..learned that at 42yo..yup I felt pain, deeply.
Well I gotta go trigger me a daydream now..fun fun
I've never been truly loved back from a female that wasn't my mum or my sister. I'm almost 28...
Single doesnt always mean lonely, relationships doesn't always mean happy.
Must be an emotionally strong person to remain single in a world that is accustomed to settling with anything just to say they have something.
Well said.
Truth!
Wow, beautifully said.
Indeed.
Blankiss 👏👏👏👏👏
I’m single because i’m insecure, overly emotional, dependant and have anxiety. I am the problem and I recognise that.
WomanInTheJungle girl is you serious? Your sooo pretty 🥰🥰😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 with pretty natural hair just like mines you the s*** don’t feel otherwise ✨✨✨✨
Same
Same, All that. I am proud to be so self aware. But I always say just because I understand what wrong does not mean I have figured out a way to solve it. However many problems it is.
Same here :(
I feel your pain...
What if you want compatibility? (emotionally, physically, intellectually, spiritually etc) What if you're trying to avoid dysfunctional romantic relationships?
All relationships are temporary - they all end by breakup, divorce, or death.
The love ain+t hugs and kisses and sex, as this world presents. /be not deceived nor naive.
What is unknown life fact? - parenthood is GOD given and love is not LUST.
John 15:13
Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.
About being single:
1 Corinthians Chapter 7 KJV
32 But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord:
33 But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife.
34 There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.
35 And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction.
I'm single because I'm shit at socializing.
right you could be cool af but if youre boring at talking no one will like you
SuperBlueboy2010 😂😂😂 you are boring about talking only when you talk about things that don't interest you. Like you trying hard to impress, unless you are a natural actor/actress everyone will notice
yeah, but I have the idea that noone likes to hear what I am interested in or my experiences, as they are too busy with their own lives.
insecurity? not really, I just don't think people care in general
Same
Niskis , maybe you just jump onto heavy insightful topics too fast? I mean, I don't like small talk either, but it's a nice ice breaker that works on almost anyone. People get genuinely interested in who you are and what you love only after some time you've known each other for. If they're not smitten by your looks, status or charisma on your first meeting, that is.
Single because I do not want to be with someone I do not love ! To find someone you love and who love you back is like winning the lottery
it takes a long time to love someone. If you never date because you're not in love with said date, you'll never fall in love.
@@thebrazillian8 I may disagree with that "never fall in love" part.. but yeah
you wont ever find that one girl thats just for you. ive meet this girl recently and we have great chemistry and we get along so well but since she is in a relationship im just friend zoned and fucked for life because she thinks her bf is better than me when i am the one that makes her happy. i guess i am just being played and used by love, sucks. when u find love you still lose :(
Kurse Reload don’t be a beta, move on and date another’s girls, don’t be a nice guy.
Not everyone will experience love at first sight! Or at second sight or at third or whatever. Mostly, people have to get to know each other to be able to fall in love
1. I choose to be single until I meet someone extraordinary enough to make me want to be in a relationship again.
2. I’m ok with being single, I like myself and that is enough. I am the only guaranteed constant in my own life and so I will continue to be there for myself.
I was curious what this was going to say, I appreciate new insight into why I am the way I am but this didn’t feel accurate for myself. I can understand that it is because I am not looking for anything. It is good to be aware of these possible mindsets in the future though.
I completely agree with you. I am single because I am not afraid of my own company and I want to know myself better so that I can allow the right type of people into my life.
@@alegriart No, not too in love with myself to fall in love. I respect myself enough to not settle for the type of men I have been with before. It’s about being happy with who I am, loving myself and being comfortable with myself before looking. You can’t really love someone or know how you should be treated until you know and love yourself. It is not a self involved or narcissistic perspective, sadly some people can’t let themselves be alone long enough to learn what it is they really need in a partner. Being single is not a bad thing, love yourself first then the love you want will find you.
P.s. I made this post two years ago. I am now in a relationship with someone amazing and we treat each other beautifully. That was my point, don’t go settling for just anyone. Wait for your right person.
Being in love is far more painful than being single and happy with one's self. I deleted the dating apps off my phone years ago.
I'm single because I don't understand what I'm supposed to do with people.
what do I do before they agree to that though?
first last you don’t need a relationship for that idiot
Just abuse that waffle boi!
Avoid the blue ones though...
WaffleAbuser you said it. And where do you find out? Pickup artists? Psychologists? Ask members of the sex you're interested in for advice? I did not find this video very instructional
Hahahah same here! I long for a girlfriend But when I do find one, I'm rather clueless about how to be a good boyfriend. If I'm caring, I suffocate her, if I give her space, I'm distancing myself. It just confuses me and I end up overthinking things. And amidst all of this, my own life goes for a toss.
Being single is much more rewarding! But ultimately that fear of living life... MY ENTIRE LIFE... all alone scares me too.
#premidlifecrisis
Reason one: your choice to stay single
Reason two: someone else's choice not to date you
agree with you.
Yea totally tho the reasons stated in the video could be true...but its mostly that we all have met someone who we felt would be a great partner but they chose not to be with us and vise versa...i think it just takes the time to meet someone and think they would be great and have them feel the same way.
Other reasons being it is not your choice to give up singlehood. Maybe earned income and opportunities are not the same today as it was many years ago.
Once you survive a narcissist psychopath, being alone but not lonely is quite pleasant.
After a few narcissist, no relationship is the only way.
yep, the manipulation abuse and control reminds you that you could never be as cruel to yourself as this person was to you
@@fiyahriddims Perhaps it is time to ask why you choose narcissists when meeting partners? There are a lot of single people that really want a partner, but they might not sweep you off your feet during the first meeting or even dare to ask you out.
@@la7dfa I didn't know they're narcissistic psychopath until I walked away. BUT, being a nice guys seems to be a reason.......
When you’ve been in a strong relationship everything beyond that seems like a consolation prize
….and NOBODY should ever have to feel like they are second prize.
Also
When you see someone you care for as broken as you are during a break up you NEVER want to do that to anyone again, especially someone that means everything to you
No thanks, I’m good. Not doing that again.
Happy to stay single.
You're not wrong about any of that, you just still believe your next relationship is going to be exactly the same because you can't see past the emotions of your last relationship. It's like trying to run with a broken leg, you need to heal first. But eventually you will realise that simply having the fortune of caring for someone so much, is an extremely precious experience. You will look back on that time and understand that it helped shape the person you've become, that it made you more conscious about what love is. And when you're ready to open up your heart again, you will fall in love more intelligently rather than hopelessly.
Unfortunately, love is a two way thing: it's not enough to love, you have to be loved back. That's how you stop being single.
That's very true as I discovered through my personal experience and in this book
www.wattpad.com/story/132588797-lonely-boy-21-the-sorrows-regrets-of-being-single
So true.
That's the hardest thing to accept. It doesn't matter if you're good or you think it will work out if the other person doesn't love you then that's it.
differentboy96 "I have really good times when I'm with you, I'm glad I make you happy just like you do to me. But I'm sorry. I don't consider you anything more than a good friend"
That's a scar of mine that will remain for quite a while...
Good luck to you guys/girls I hope you all will find a partner who will give you as much love as you give to them
Not just love needs to be bothways, you need respect and dedication. Had to learn that one the hard way.
I am single because you can’t get dumped if you’re not in a relationship
But what if you die? Then you got dumped by life.
Nope Nope dumped by girlfriend is worse than dumped by life
At least the former lets you try again.
Godot true but I rather be in a relationship and get dumped than be alone. Heart break does not last forever yes it hurts but it's a risk we take to find our other half of our heart to be complete and whole. Love is worth the risk
debatable :)
3rd reason: you enjoy working on yourself and being single.
Johnny Appleseed - MEEEEE!! 🖐🥰
Thomas Jefferson has entered the chat
exactly, most of the time I enjoy being by myself
That sounds like reason number 2, for me. But Im single cause the number 1, so 😅😅😅
I'm single because I refuse to just partner with anyone not to be lonely as most people do. I'm not desperate to be with anyone.Single does not mean lonely, relationships don't equal happiness... Many are miserable in relationships.
I don't think that's the point of the video
The 2 reasons I'm still single: I'm not aware that anyone is keen on me, and I can't find anyone I want a relationship with.
FriedEgg ...Same here, and I'm "a catch" (so I've been told)!
Yes exactly! Why can't you find a relationship? Because you don't want to. Because you're afraid of it going wrong. And because you'll find reasons to dislike your dates, and don't get to know them closer, before bailing. Relationships take time. And a good mood!
Yup, I've never got any 'hints' or 'signals' that anyone is interested in me, so my only conclusion is that either I'm a numbskull for not knowing the signs, or no one ever IS interested except desperate women who normally I wouldn't choose, but then, beggars can't be choosers.
Yes and yes. To the second point, I do have someone I’m interested in… but he’s not interested in me 🤷♀️
I am attracted to the wrong people physically and then reject them because they can't offer me the emotional, intellectual or spiritual essence i look for. When i find somebody who can offer me that usually i am not physically attracted and push them in the friendzone. I used to be able to find partners in a wimp, but I learned self love and now i am being overly critical in my choices :-)
Her: "Your single...why?
Me: *You're*
23 people/likes don’t want you to be single! Favourite hobby includes silently correcting their grammar? Good for you!
I believe the "why" question should be raised only when people get out of singlehood, not when they remain (and a little too long for some people's subjective taste).
Why are you single ? Well, why aren't you ?
Lol!
@@katmontgomery7699 what's so funny?
Insecurity, projection problems, intense self-hatred. My holy trinity of mental fun.
I'm single because I have had so many failed relationships, despite all my efforts to make it work, compromises, "imagination" as he put it. And yet, it inevitably fails. There's only so many times one can hear "you are a great person but I don't think we're right for each other / I don't think it can work out". I have been broken up with more times than I would like to be. I'm tired!
I feel you and I know this feeling very well
Could it be that maybe you’re portraying yourself as desperate/trying too much to make it work which could feel "suffocating’’ for the other person.
Stop being a great person
*in the comment section reading why people are single.
Same :')
søren D 😂 me too
Because why not? :P
*in the comment section, studying why humans do not breed.
I’m single because I want to. Because I do not feel the need to have someone to justify my existence. I want love when it’s real. I don’t settle for less that’s why.
Sunflower Girls same here
100% same. I'd rather wait for what I want rather than settle for less and be unhappy.
Same. I'm self-defined.
*I see a Single girl, I ask her out* 😏
" I do not feel the need to have someone to justify my existence"
Classic line used by those who are unwanted. How unbelievably rude nd ignorantit is to insinuate that most peoples relationships are purely there to justify their existence. What do you even think you mean by that? We are social creatures. Most people ENJOY spending their lives with other people. Its got nothing to do with justifying an existence. Do you also refuse to have friends or a job/education because you dont need them to justify your existence? Be real. The truth is no one special has shown any interest in you. If they did, you'd jump at the chance.
I've not been able to fall in love with someone I'm not attracted to. I've even given someone like that a chance and all it did was make my skin crawl and he became jealous and possessive.
Jesus, you're evil.
@@thereisnosanctuary6184 of course, because his emotional abuse made HIM the innocent one...just projection on your part
I'll tell you one thing, I envy everyone who is single. I was sad to be single too. Until I got into what I thought was the perfect relationship. Then we got comfortable with each other and the true colors started to show. Now I have wasted half of my 20s on someone who didn't deserve a minute of my time.
Don't. Being single your whole life sucks.
@@Menno_3Yes.
Sometimes people stay single to protect themselves from the pain and suffering that is brought by relationships and it gets miserable when our partner treats us terribly and only use us for their own purposes. Being betrayed by the person to whom you bare your soul open is the most devastating thing.Also moving on from painful memories surrounds you with sheer grief as love now a days is just confined to satisfying one's physical needs and people think of it not as an emotional bond so they dump their partners if they can't satisfy their materialistic needs because people are more concerned with outer beauty and not with the warmth of unconditional love .
Trust me it’s gets just as miserable and devastating when you try and they just are not interested to want anything serious.
Jhon Krasnovskiy what’s wrong with being caring and trying to look your best for a partner. I notice a lot of men don’t even try. They put no effort into themselves.
@@MelissaGarza yes
It's a hook-up culture....most modern women are C/C...."Cock Carousel" riders.....they want the "Chad and Tyrone" type fellas.....who only worry about their scoreboard.....the divorce rate is approaching 70%, give or take a few points....Single Moms put on a pedestal.....and the Dads are D-E-F'd...Divorce Raped....Emotionally Raped.....and Financially Raped.....lost one friend to suicide, and another is in prison.....Why should Men sign-up for Marriage, only to be fornicated by the D-E-F Rule a few years down the road.....living in their cars/trucks, or on the streets, cuz their ex is living in the house he's probably paying for, child support and alimony are draining his ability to exist, so he can try to be a Dad......and the kiddos get caught in the Middle, and see what happens when you grow up and have kids.....or witness the Mom being a C/C (cock carousel) rider, and think it's perfectly okay, and they start the process over in 10-20 years, keeping the Attorneys, courts, and CPS folks in plenty to do....and the cycle repeats itself......Feminism sold out almost two generations.....and now.....look at where we are....
Preach!
I’m single because I finally was honest with myself and admitted that the reason I’m turning down every great person is because I just want to be alone. Good friends and family is enough.
Atleast you have the option to turn down people
@@sakhile5914 😭😭😭
@@sakhile5914 it's a female, she will always have options
God used a spiritual spell caster two restored my fiance within 24 hour's of the rituals, his website.
ua-cam.com/users/shortsR2brG96qruM?feature=share
I'm single because I can't find what I want in a person. And I often wonder if one person is enough. I also find it super hard to get close.
I can understand you and i sometimes think about that.
I’m single because there simply isn’t someone for everyone.
Why does society wants to make us feel BAD and SAD for being single ?!?
We can totally be single and very happy and successful in life, it just mean that our happiness doesn't need to depend on someone else ...
The Woman With No Head i 100% agree. Society and ppl in general look at u weird if u go somewhere by urself that generally ppl go with others. Like clubs or cafes.. ppl are so scared of being judged .. i do absolutely everything by myself and i love it. Ive got a freedom that only few understand...
@@Luke-qp9fd Exactly! There are so much advantages to live alone without the overwhelming anxiety, risks and costs of a relationship.
Friends also exist and I think it's way better than love because they care enough, they help you, they make you laugh... Friendships are also less prone to judgement than relationships, which makes them more cool and relaxing.
And let's be honest, there are way too much people on this planet and making children would impact the environment NEGATIVELY.
Now what people call love is something they most judge first on beauty, sexiness rather than personality (look at dating apps, it's disgusting how people are that desesperate to find artificial love).
Oh and you are free to do whatever you want to do in your house without someone judging you.
You're free. You're alone. Controversy = self benefits
Because society is inevitably affected by our biology, and our biology’s strongest need is to reproduce.
@@kaleb749 ...but too much is going to harm our world. And that is happening right now
"Society's" families consume more and produce more tax revenue; lawyers harvest revenue from the up to 62% who fail.
I don't hate myself and I don't love myself excessively. I have trust issues. It's better this way.
Exactly like me!
Loud!!
Most woman have trust issues. It's fairly common.
I'm single cause I'm content 😐 it may sound self-centered but unless I find someone who adds to my life, I'd rather stay single. Of course in the meantime, I have to work on myself so that I'm worthy of such a person. All in all, I'm pretty comfortable 😬
Sometimes it's nicer to daydream about things than it is to actually experience them, I don't normally want to ruin that.
I'm single because I'm not looking, and honestly, I have trouble connecting with people. I just want to figure myself out before having someone share my life with me. I feel relationships are very special and I don't want just any relationship.
We are in the same boat!!
relationships can be good practice though...we grow through interaction
Well said!
Yep I’m the same... lmk if u wanna talk
Never wait, because time flies
I'm bisexual so I'm always bi-myself
that would not define you as you cross two gender.bisexual means being biased sometimes😜
Thecrazeecow omg I hate you 😂😂😂
@@lianbergancia this....
@@bamboovidal2721 yeah
@@lianbergancia you single to?
Being single is not a problem. Buddha was single did he need a romatic relationship to reach enlightenment. No. Being single can give you the chance to grow yourself instead of focusing on someone else.
He was married with a child and abandoned them according to the story.
I am single because I have multiple disorders which can get even worse if I get into any relationship .it is better to be single than suffering because of relationships.
May be there is also a third category: those of us who are only able to feel "safe and protected" when we are alone.
We don't necessarily hate or love ourselves too much, but probably for some lack of " basic trust" towards the world , we only feel truly at home in solitude. Well, it sounds a little too dramatic, but there is nothing bitter about it. You won't have that " special someone" in your life, but you can still be a very generous, loving and caring person.
I have this friend who has a strange disease and the doctors said that she should not get pregnant, because she could die if she gave birth.
So, just like the people who have that particular physical condition better don't have children, others who have a certain " soul condition", probably better NOT have a partner, because it may also be too dangerous. Here is why:
If you had a very troubled childhood and have too many memories of violence and humiliation, it is very probable that you will always fall for people who will make you feel "at home", which means a partner who will bring it all back to your life again. So you may as well keep yourself out of trouble and save a lot of time that you could use for more meaningful things.
And here is a beautiful idea:
If I remember properly it was Stefan Zweig who said that we have our love inside us and we give it the name of someone. So instead of calling it by the name of one person, you may as well name your love "humanity" and try to love and care for as many people as you can.
People like Matthieu Ricard or David Steidl Rast live like this and they seem to have very beautiful, fulfilling lives.
And that's why my favourite novel of all times is " El Beso de la Mujer Araña" ( The Kiss of a Spider Woman ) by Manuel Puig. There you have two people who have absolutely nothing in common
( not even their sexuality; because one is hetero and the other is homosexual ) and they are locked up in a prison cell and over time they learn to love each other deeply. It is because they have "the time and the will and the quality of focus" you need in order to know another human being. They truly listen to each other. How interesting: if they were so called "free" people
like us , they would probably never find that clarity and depth of love.
In German you have this word " Liebesfähig" which describes a person who is " able to love". And then you have another word, " Beziehungsfähig", which refers to the person who is " able to be in a relationship".
So you can be absolutely "liebesfähig" but not "beziegungsfähig" and it is alright.
As always, I have found the most consoling insight about this on an interview with Alain de Botton. On that " On Being with Krista Tippett" podcast he said:
" And I think it's also worth saying that, for some people relationships are not necessarily the best place where they encounter their best selves, that actually, the person that they are in a relationship is not the person that they want to be or that they can be in other areas of life, that they feel that there are other possibilities that they'd like to explore."
But for friends who do want to have a relationship but hate themselves and therefore cannot, there are very helpful videos on this channel. You can start with these three:
-Self Compassion
-Overcoming Bad Inner Voices
-Self Esteem
Thank you for this very wise lesson. The animation was incredibly cute too!
Very beautifully said, what I am about to say will come out very raw so please forgive me if something doesn't make sense or seem right. Personally I have always had trouble maintaining relationships partially, getting into relationships weren't any difficulty because I can love and I love a lot of people. In general I love people. When it comes to relationships, I always had a hope that who ever my soul would find it would be someone who would help me understand and appreciate the world and things to a deeper extant. I guess now as I grow older I find the desire of a relationship less. Dont get me wrong I want to love but I also want to grow as a person and just be more complete and understand more of whats happening around me. I guess it's kinda ties back to what you said about how some people arent who they want to be in relationships. Maybe I'm a product of high expectations on myself which places high expectations on whoever i like (which is wrong and something i hate) but i always felt that for now a relationship just isn't right for me. Sorry for the rambling, idek where I'm going with this.
Certain level of insecurity. Yes that is possible. I am a young therapist yet but I have had clients who share this experience. We often think insecurity in a negative light these days but sometimes being insecure is the right response. For example if you were travelling on a high mountain and all of a sudden you would have to cross a rotten wooden rope bridge. Would you feel insecure? I would.
Understandably if a person has had a troubled past, in this case their relationships with other humans trough out their lives, it is not unreasonable to struggle to trust people. This is not malevolent, it is not callous, it is not hate or anger. It is insecurity, a socially learnt behavior where the person struggles to trust people because in their history they have been let down but even more than distrusting others, that person distrusts themselves. They think that in some way, they were at fault, that it was them that caused them to appeal as though they were in some way unlovable, as if they deserved their history somehow.
It is therefore also intuitively true that a person with a past like that would seek to isolate themselves. And in some ways having a bit of distance may do good as long as you are content with it. Sometimes you only hurt yourself more when you do things you are not ready for yet. Perhaps though if you find yourself lonely, you will go and talk to those whom you can trust, or even seek professional help if need be. There is no shame or guilt for this past, it is crucial to understand that it was not your fault, it was not your responsibility, you did not choose that and you did - and do deserve better than that.
Lua Veli, I agree with your beautifully made points. I'm a very similar product of a very troubled childhood which left its mark particularly on how I experience love. I entirely understand what you mean by loving humanity and it's one of my greatest sources of fulfillment these days.
Even so, it's quite obvious that my issues extend beyond the realm of romantic relationships. The way I react to a conflict, for example, is very similar in a relationship, in a friendship and at work. I can only react with the behavior patterns I learned. If I only had those troubled ones from my parents, I would only use those and be an unpleasant girlfriend, friend and employee.
Of course, the mechanics are a bit different since friendships can be a lot more permissive and resilient but the truth is my issues manifest in all areas of life. Looking back, it was in my beautiful friendships that I learned alternative ways to react and thus _became_ a good friend over time.
I'm just trying to be a healthy and complete person. I don't want my parents mistakes to condemn me to an incomplete life. Your friend can't have babies but she can always adopt one and still experience a good part of being a mother. I don't deny my emotional handicap but I'm determined not to let it deprive me from experiencing life in full.
I envision a certain kind of relationship, it's entirely achievable and I really want to experience it at some point. Maybe it won't last a lifetime but that's ok. I don't know exactly how to create that kind of relationship but I'll just keep working on myself and be a good friend, colleague and lover and maybe one day it will become clear.
+Jenkkimie Exactly. After being greatly hurt a few years ago (by people whom I looked up to and were close to), combined with a a broken childhood and a couple of relationships that didn't end well, I've struggled a lot to trust people. Even today, I question peoples' motives, "what does this person want from me?", but even more so "why would this person even _like_ me?". I did indeed blame myself for a lot of things in my past, and it caused me more pain than I realized. Through therapy I've learnt and accepted that it wasn't my fault for example that my relationships didn't work out, that I am indeed loveable and that I need to be more forgiving to myself (you're doing a great job!). Now, I don't really see my mistrust as something negative (nor do I look down upon or "hate" anyone like you said), it's simply a product of my past experiences and today (unfortunately, perhaps) a part of who I am. I'm still working on trying to open myself up, but I'm certain that it will take months, probably years to trust a human being enough to form a healthy relationship.
Like you said Lua, I think I might belong to that category; right now I don't want to be in a relationship because it would only do me (and my partner) more harm than good. While my room is like a prison preventing me from meeting people, it's also my safehaven, a place where I can't be hurt, betrayed or rejected. I isolate myself, not because I don't want to meet people (because I do), but because doing so would be very stressful. I fear falling in love because of the great pain it has caused me in the past - never have I been in a relationship where I've felt confident, secure or happy - pehaps because of personal traits, the current circumstances or my past, who knows. But there should be no shame in being alone if you're content with what you do and perhaps know (at least to an extent) why you are alone. There is a great difference between being alone and feeling lonely.
@Niskis. I am a fan! I am cheering for you! You can do it! It is always heartbreaking to hear someone share their difficult past as you have shared yours here now. But take appreciation that you are strong enough to do that. Many people struggle to share their pasts, even the best among us do. Maybe you are not a distrustful as you think of yourself as, not in all ways at least. So you are clearly making progress and I am absolutely certain that you can achieve whatever you wish to achieve if you put your mind to it.
Remember to always walk forward no matter what. Some days are better, others are less, but know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You may not see it today, tomorrow or even the next week but you will see light again one day.
There is goodness in you that I see, even if sometimes you might find it difficult to see in yourself. Trust me, we are our own worst enemies. I wish you all the best in life Niskis, you absolutely are invaluable and never let anyone convince you otherwise.
I've been in relationships and haven't been happy. I'm happier and much better off being single. I can do what I want, go where I want, when I want, and don't have to worry about someone else. It's a special kind of freedom really.
It is! And ppl who don't have that freedom will try to make you feel bad about it . They'll tell you how to go about being "happy " by finding a partner, getting married and having kids like everyone else. Some of them are miserable and want to see you in the same boat. Although, they made their bed and you made yours. Don't let other ppl tell you how to live your life. It can come from a place of resentment
Amen!
Do you blame money, socialising skills criticised psychological problems blamed, the pressure of self-hatred won't be approved of, disturbing view of reality, a needy outlook not appreciated, blame your troubled mind, something that doesn't seem right, naive about others as a result, anxiety disorder about attractiveness, not desirable could mean your autistic,nobody's perfect🔥💡🆘🚩⛔✅💲🆗
Amen
Agree
I have an issue with trusting people who say they like me. I make a point to not let my insecurities determine my actions but now I realize those insecurities influence not only myself, but also my image of those who praise, desire and accept me.
Yet another thing about myself to work on thanks to this channel. Keeping me busy
Why am I single? I can't have what I want, and I don't want what I can have. I've come to accept that I'll never accept myself. My physical drawbacks have been too much for my mind to overcome. Fortunately, I'm old enough to accept my situation, if not myself.
I just don't like leaving the house
Orpa Taveras realest shit ever 😂
Same, I love my dog and I hate people.
I don't hate people it's just too much energy to maintain relashionship with them, they get angry at you because you don't call them.
i know why i'm single. its very simple.
anxiety and depression gets the best of me. literally no surprise there.
"stay indoors to hide from the scary world outside"-squad, reporting in
No, it's you accepting that you would rather sit there and do nothing.
yeah no, people don't choose depression or anxiety and there are a lot who actively try to get better
good day, sir
Niskis
Can we admit that there are indeed people who do nothing about it and those who do? I do know a few people from both camps.
off course, I agree, and there are even those who use it as an excuse not to do anything about their situation. however, I still think that _most_ people wouldn't want / prefer to be depressed if they had the option not to.
Love comes suddenly, it goes suddenly, and love keeps coming and going eternally. You do not happen to it, it happens to you. So relax, enjoy your aloneness in the mean time and live your life. And only when you're able to enjoy your aloneness can you love another truly. Because then you won't try to possess, you will allow the other to express themselves.
I'm single because I'm tired of all the liars, the fakes, the cheaters, the harassers, the narcissists, the criminals, and the gold diggers
am single cause i cant do trial and error with my heart
Good point
I’m single because I believe relationships aren’t worth the pain they bring. :(
Same, friends are better, love is too costly and stupidly standardized.
Saaamee
💯
Preach it brother/sister
It takes a lot to be in a relationship with anyone to any degree. It takes work from both sides, compromise but also when to stand up for yourself and be a good listener .as well as picking battles. I'm single but learned all those things are very important and just it's harder and harder to find others who cooperate like that or even close to someone able to talk things out.
I’m learning that it’s a smudge from society being single I rather have peace of mind rather than unexplained chaos
At first I was skeptical. But this is spot on. I think the people most offended are probably the ones who need to listen the most but aren't ready for the message.
Two reasons why I'm still single:
1. I'm afraid of falling in love.
2. I'm addicted to solitude.
Update:
Guys, I've manifested the love of my life. He let me experience the complexity and fragility of genuine love.
My mind is sometimes filled with eccentric perceptions and fragile thoughts, but he never fails to show me that I'm worth loving despite the chaos within my individuality. I won't ever banish the clarity of this purely impured undeniable love.
Me too. I feel like a cavemen sometimes. Have carnal desires, but then run away if someone is clinged to me.
Akane
Same. I hate being with people for too long.
Same
Western culture (especially the U.S.) encourages an individualist culture. Everyone is taught (or re-taught) to always put yourself first, love yourself most, and don’t hesitate to abandon people, jobs, or other entities “that no longer serve you.”
You can’t be a good (or even decent) partner if you spend all your time putting yourself first. Training as a singles skater will never make you a pairs skater.
The longer we spend time alone to work on self love and being our best individual selves, the easier it is to bypass relationships. If you’re already your best, most authentic self, relationships are obsolete.
@@amasion2882
Never seen anyone try to teach those bullshit you're talking about. I'm personally like this for some reasons and it has nothing to do with my culture or the way I have been raised.
I'm single because relationships are TOO complicated.
iJerrrrrry yes
This is me
Some of the people commenting on here seem to have missed the plot. If you are perfectly content being single, why are you here? This is obviously for people who are single, and would like not to be. This is very good information I wish I had had when I was young. When he spoke of looking at people on the bus/subway with more “imagination”, it actually choked me up. We all need a more open mind, and to put our imaginations to better use.
I’ve always found being single has ensured no one disrupts my peace.
You can lose years aiding others in finding a life they desire, with no guarantee they’ll recognise your commitment to their happiness.
And, I get out of rhythm with the things that make my life enjoyable and sustainable when I let someone in and try to help them.
The minute, you even THINK that another person will complete you and make you happy.....is the very minute that you must know, you will NEVER EVER find true happiness..... Until you find it within you to begin with.
The minute you have black and white thinking you're sunk.
I've given up, that's why I'm single. i wont settle for just anything and incredible things are hard to find and are never meant to be in my experience. sadly.
Some of us are single because, although we're not arrogant we know our worth. I couldn't bring myself to remain in an abusive relationship because "marriage age". I just couldn't. I left at the first few red flags. Most people don't, men or women. Thirst for love and validation. I can't do that.
Same here.
After loosing my fiancee in 2010; and finding it so hard to connect emotionally with others (the last person I did just upped and stopped talking to me and has since vanished on me, after promising not to ghost me).
Then after a series of medical issues, I just dont have it in me anymore to do anything but give up.
Same, cause every time I find a guy that's interesting, awesome, attractive, kind they ditch me for another girl after a month tops even if that girl is less attractive than me. I will never understand men, they seem like a completely different species sometimes.
@@inkkvibe I was like you, until I realised that the "interesting, awesome, attractive, kind" men I used to date were manipulators who only pretended to be interesting, awesome, attractive and kind, in order to seduce me into trust and then use, exploit and psychologically destroy me before leaving me for someone else.
The way out is to see the red flags in the very beginning of the relationship (or better before the relationship even begins), and walk away.
Sophiesticated letting go is what brings you love but you have to be positive. You’re halfway there. Believe the love is there for you and you’re so picky bc there’s someone specific meant for you.
I hate when people link being single to being lonely and unhappy. Nope, I don't have any trauma, self-hate or obsessive self-love. I am just happy to be single. I am content with the love from my family, friends and pet, and being in relationship is something unnecsesary for me to fullfill my life.
Reasons I'm single: My father's land no longer needs to be joined to our neighbour's to secure a peaceful and prosperous treaty.
I'm single because I don't like people. I love being by myself all the time. 😬
Nothing wrong with that
Three reasons I'm single :
1. I don't want to settle, I'm a magnet to abusive men and I don't want this.
2. I actually rarely find myself attracted to someone.
3. The dating culture in my country sucks. Can't adapt to it.
Purple Rose, there are good guys out there, hard to find, same goes for woman
Jamie, yes but as you stated good people are peculiar. This is reality.
Purple Rose I have to applaud you for at least being aware of your plight.
Here’s my challenge to you. Take what I call “Internal Inventory” to discover what it is that makes you a “magnet” to abusive men. You will probably trace back to early childhood experiences.
Secondly, when you do find yourself attracted to someone, establish what it is about these men that you find attractive.
Lastly, dating is a challenge all over the world. Trust me, I know.
What country?
Girl, you are choosing abusive men.
dang this channel wrenches out my heart’s secrets and displays them vividly in front of me
I'm single because I hate all of humanity and the very thought of spending an extended period of time living with one of us makes my skin crawl.
I love being single because I can do what I want when I want and when I was in relationships in the past I felt more alone than I have ever felt so that’s why I’m single by choice
As a 26 year old who has never really been in a relationship, I have found my singlehood has been due to a combination of shying away from social situations when I was younger, which meant I missed out on opportunities (a mistake only recognised in hindsight unfortunately); being more picky about women than I can afford to be; and also just generally being okay/happy in myself and not wanting the mess of it all unless I actually like the person (which combined with a lack of opportunities to meet women means I rarely come across anyone I genuinely desire to be with, and when I have done unfortunately they have been already romantically involved or did not reciprocate my feelings). Having recognised these factors, I am now trying to work to be a better version of myself, to be more sociable, and to try to see the good in people instead of being so picky.
God used a spiritual spell caster two restored my fiance within 24 hour's of the rituals, his website.
ua-cam.com/users/shortsR2brG96qruM?feature=share
I can feel you.
It's like you spoke my situation
Yeah i was late for like 4 times when i finally found that i liked someone but they already have someone lol
How's it going these days man?
Love your content that is always well supported with illustrations illuminating the teachings. Thanks
I'm still single because I have so much time that I need to learn how to grow as a individual. Building up self confidence and self Love Is My ultimate goal, and I don't need anyone to do that. Self-reliance and solitude has more value then romantic relationships! Everytime I see my mother and father's unhappy marriage, that's a constant reminder that I'm much happier alone!
I'm single because all i do is watching youtube at home.
Oh man, this hit close to home
Eau de Jenny I watch it on my phone all day are we a match?
Skybert hahaha
LEGANDARY AND EPIC lmao we found love in a hopeless place 🎼🎵🎶🎼🎵🎶
I can relate ..i feels so cozy and calm
what's sad is that "beautiful people with ugly personalities" have a lot bigger chance of getting a partner than "ugly people with beautiful personalities"
it really is, i mean i was ugly af and had and ugly personality and never had a girl like me, now i got way more attractive and i need to friendzone girls, now i understand both sides way better.
Urban Climber how did you get more “attractive “ ??
@@Luke-qp9fd i informed myself about near death experiences and DMT Trips two years ago. Decided to do acid last summer, died several times. After that I can survive everything and I definetly Can say that really anything is possible.
I started to eat healthy, simply stop eating sugar and doing Sports so that you can eat Protein rich and get a feeling for the right food. After that I started to accept the "dark" side of my mind (actually our right brain half we don't like to use).
Thats exactly that anxiety feeling that changes to a feeling of the Situation and what's the best to do, when your honest about mistakes you realize that other people do them too and will like you because your brave enough to say the truth.
.
General mindset to anything that could happen:
Everything is possible
As we all die and we only know that we experience life and only our decisions can change it the ground worth of life is always the same, a potential nothing and a potential Infinity. Don't Set yourself over other.
Almost everyone survived no matter how stupid their View of the world is, try to understand them to understand what not to do, maybe you can help those people once they help you.
@@Luke-qp9fd yeah I mean 99% of all humans are major cunts and idiots that includes of course women. You can accept that and have a bad life or start to look for the 1% of girls, maybe consider traveling to get what you want. I like way more to look for the 1% i don't know...
@@Luke-qp9fd i was so abnormal shitty with women, i Fell in love with a girl maybe weekly because I had Zero real contact to any human and even a "hello" was a big enough sign for me. One girl actually learnt to accept me and helped me in school for three years, of course I Fell in love but yeah I was major cunt. Today I hate myself for not doing anything stupid so that I can move on 😅
I am single because everyone and everything walks away or dies that I love. Everyone leaves one way or another. I've learned to expect nothing and that I would rather be alone, I do better alone.
I'll say the self-hated thing SHOOK ME and set off a chain reaction of thoughts. It made me realize I have hurt others in the past and I have let that define me. I've carried that guilt so deep within that even while I consciously have wanted relationships, subconsciously I did not out of fear of hurting that other person.
I'm single since birth 😂 and I'm 28 now?! 😱
It's only uncommon in western and westernized societies (which is not the majority of the world). Go to Algeria or Japan, you'll easily meet 36 year old kissless virgins.
30 and same as you..
So when you went to kindergarden and elementary school did you have to fill out a form and check the case either bachelor or engaged ?
TheSunMoon i'm almost there 😂
Omg saaame 😂😂
And then there’s the simple case (most recurring, statistically speaking) in which simply no one likes us or our personality, or shows any sign of interest. And the problem again is in your mind: you did not develop social skills, you are clumsy or socially awkward, so no one feels attracted to you. In this case it is not a problem of low self esteem, or better BECAUSE YOU DID NOT DEVELOP SOCIAL SKILLS AND YOU FEEL NO ONE SEEMS TO WANT TO INITIATE A CONVERSATION WITH YOU (except for duty reasons), then you start to develop low self esteem. Cause and effect should not be confused.
I can't even begin to say how mach your videos have helped me and led me to understand myself more and in turn make me a better person toward my fellow humans :)
Thank you a whole bunch from the bottem of my bottemless heart!
Keep up the good work 🌷🌹
Honestly I’ve considered this question for years and years and can’t come up with anything that i truly feel is a solid explanation, even after watching this video. I love myself fully without ego and have battled emotional and mental trauma alone. At this point in my mid-thirties and have never been in a relationship after encountering many unavailable men in my life. Prayer, meditation and positive thought is the answer for me currently so I don’t let the thought of potential permanent single hood consume me.
"Love is a serious mental disease."
-Plato
A lot like catching a virus that has to run its course when you think about how it effects you physically too! Plato was half right!
Plato is probably a virgin
@UA-cam Viewer or was a wise virgin that had sense
UA-cam Viewer I’d say both haha
lol , did he really ?
In my case it's a combination of factors, low self-esteem + bad social skills and anxiety + not being brave enough when I had the chance, it's complicated 🚶
I'm single because I have trust issues, the feeling is usually never mutual, I'm working on myself in therapy, I don't feel like wasting my time dating, and I don't go out much
I’m single because I choose to be single and my priorities are set higher than the need to find love. Love doesn’t give direct happiness, one must first find happiness within themselves before sharing it with someone else.
I feel like no one could ever love me and that I can't ever love anyone either. I don't have faith in anyone, lol. I'm just unwilling to sacrifice my solitude and freedom by settling for someone that I can live without.
I feel the exact same way. We should date. Oh......wait.....nevermind.
Same. Glad I'm not the only one
Can't find out unless you try. Who knows how many chances you've missed. Besides, you can always opt out if you feel you're not being appreciated enough.
I know. I'm going through the same thing. But still have hope one day I will find what I'm searching for. Maybe we are not ready yet who knows
Good to know that we are all in the same wagon
Just two? I can tell one thousand more.
Ayhan Taspinar which can be generallized to two.
More than 20 years age difference.
Lives together with a partner and only bothers to tell me after 3 weeks.
She is severe depressed but kept a mask on so I find out later.
Substance addicted person. (Dont think you can fix a person, i ve only seen it crash and burn)
She is very ambitious and expects me to be the same but I am not (Summa Cum Laude university type).
Lives on the other side of the world but does not want to move and neither do I because we are both well rooted.
Uhhhhh. Yes that among other reasons.
Tell me one thousand more
Afraid of giving my all for someone to throw it away yet again
Afraid of being compared to an ex or a 'friend ' again
I’m single because I need to learn to like and love myself before once and for all 💖
I'm single since I was born... I feel like I'll remain this way forever... and ever
Hmph im about to be 16 and single strong goin 16 years
@@idkmanlifesucks4627Same it sucks
Even me I think , I will stay single too.
Sedah Rules 23 😂
I'm single because I'm unbearably shy.
gotta work on your self-love then ;)
It's been four years since my last relationship ended. My problem with relationships, is my Anxiety and PTSD. It's just not possible anymore, and at the age of 62, I feel like I am happier just being me. I get far more contentment from enjoying my quiet solitude. Being Alone doesn't mean Lonely.
Man I could spend my entire life watching these vids!!
You have to wear specks like me ..😀😂
I am ugly that's why i am single
aww don't say that :(
TullerDoy that’s not a reason
You can always find an equally ugly person
EywaEywaEywa lol
Yea man same
Let's all raise our hands
After 37 years of being Single (i still am) I figured out. 1. You gotto go were the people are aka socialize. and 2. You gotto Love Yourself i mean i ALL Aspects so that You can allow yourself to be loved by someone else.
ok SHELDON
Meditation, practicing calmness, integrity, courage, strength makes me attractive to all. When I know I have the love of the Spirit within, through meditation and prayer, then my partner came. Romance is not the purpose. Finding our spiritual self is our purpose - but a serviceful, unselfish relationship based on deep friendship makes this journey more enjoyable and easier (for those who this lifestyle fits). That's been my experience so far.
Wonderful!
I’m single because it’s a healthy choice and I’m happy, secure and have lots of love and companionship thru friends and family. This is the first thick headed video I’ve seen by this video by acting like being single for a long time isn’t normal.
Caused by self-hatred or self-love, these are true.
SIX ACT I have a shit ton of self love. I can do anything and accomplish anything myself, guaranteed. I don't see the point in sacrificing a part of your self for someone who is not permanent.
I think I’m both...
hum... I choose to be single because I enjoy being my own person.
Also, as an introvert I rarely feel "lonely"
That changed yet?
@@TravelWithBradley Not really. I should add I've never had my own place but I still doubt I'll feel lonely living by my self.
Same and it hasn't changed. Too many ppl thinking they will be happier in a relationship but it's temporary and fleeting. Too many ppl perpetuate this false myth. A relationship will not make a happier person. More ppl inrelationships are miserable and feel caged than individuals who are single.
@@kairon156 the coronavirus helped me appreciate my singleness. I feel free and enjoy my time alone. I changed my way of thinking and I've been the happiest I've ever been. Noone monitoring where I go or don't go. Self-reliance is key. Don't depend on anyone but God and yourself. You will never be disappointed.
@@cg5491 I understand that all to well. I don't like the idea of people I'm living with needing to know where I'm going or asking to come with me if I just want to do my own thing.
Before being in any relationship, you first find happiness within yourself because if you’re not comfortable with your own self, then you can forget about being in a relationship because it will soon be toxic.
Almost all the couples I know are sad and upset with their relationship. Get to know yourself and enjoy being with someone who likes you and knows you intimately. Being single is totally OK...the only unconditional love you get will be from your dog.
Dogs are human's best friend for a reason. Totally agree