Finally, the algorithm has guided me to my people. I've been poly for years, and have never actually had the luck of being in a relationship with another poly person. I'm also on the asexual spectrum so here's to mythbusting lol
Same here! Sex, I could take it or leave it, but I crave love. And as I'm learning more about relationships and myself, I'm definitely open to polyamory
@@mq8858 I know sex doesn't equal love automatically but may I ask what your definition of love would be? If you wish to answer thanks for your time 😊
@@lizicadumitru9683 Love is the choice you make to cherish someone. It can start as infatuation or curiosity, but when you give your heart to someone entirely, that is love, in my opinion.
I think polyamory is for less than 1% of the population. I don’t like it, but this video is amazing! You explained it in such a reasonable and respectful manner, not trying to do the us x them thing that many people do. I loved it! Much love and respect 🙏🏼
Thank you! I disagree about the 1% thing, but I appreciate that you can hear out the perspective of others and get something from the video. I try to stay out of that us vs. them mentality. I reserve that mode for people who are super mean to polyam people. Thanks for watching!
Love constantly seeking out different perspectives, and when feasible trying to actually live through those lenses. This includes polyamory in my life as well. With that said, given the U.S. population is over 300 million, anything above 1% seems to beggar belief anecdotally as well as what little quality data is available. I'm all for channels like this, but look askance at what often feels like to me as covert evangelism for a niche lifestyle (that is very fitting for some!) under the guise as purely informational content. I don't think it's done in bad faith. . . but it is a problem depending on how they treat discourse around monogamy. @@polyamfam
Your videos are great, thank you. I'm currently in a polyamorous relationship, but I'm very very new and I'm dealing with a lot of anxiety and issues. I met my partner after breaking up with my ex boyfriend, almost and year ago, and we fell head over heels. My last relationship had been awful, although monogamous and as standard as possible, so when my partner told me that he was poly and had been in a relationship for 10 years and counting, I said to myself: "Monogamy clearly is not the key to the perfect relationship and maybe this level of sincerity and commitment to communication is better than having someone swearing he will love you forever but treating you like shit in the meantime". So I gave myself the possibility to step out of my confort zone and gave it a go. The problem now is that even though I'm still incredibly in love with my partner, I'm constantly scared he needs me to fill up on the emotional gap his other partner leaves him with (not my words, I do think his other partner is an incredible person and is trying their best just like every other part of our configuration). He often tells me that I can give him what the other partner can't, but I don't feel fluttered, I feel used. And this hurts. Also, his family doesn't know about me but there are things I really miss about relationships. Bonding with my partner's family, being able to attend weddings, family gatherings and such, which is something that he does with my family and loves to do, but I can't do, since this is something he does with his other partner. It's like he's all over my life but I just exist partially in his. For context, we're in our mid 20s, we're not kids, and that leads to me thinking that hiding me from his family wouldn't even be that necessary, to be honest. What's worse is that I don't really know what I'm supposed to feel, and being envious and jealous 24/7 makes me feel sick of myself. I don't feel like a person I want to be. I feel so toxic and wrong all the time. I'm trying to be better and your videos really help.
Actually thanks for your comment! We talk alot about poly people difficulties with dating mono people of Being in mono relationship, but not the struggles of mono dating poly people. I exactly have the same problem : I got the chance to discover her family through phone discussion while I was here, and it was great, but her boyfriend told me since, he's been cheated by his ex girlfriend with another girls, he doesn't want me to be presented to my girl's family. And it makes me really sad to bed the secret partner, while I talk freely about her and want to preseny her to my family. + I don't know how to deal with the whole coming out thing : will my parents understand the concept? If hey disapprove, as their matter really is important for me, it would put a strain on my relationship with my girl.
Check out the video that discusses tips for coping with jealousy in polyamorous relationships. Jealousy is a normal reaction and emotion and how we cope with feelings of jealousy can enhance or hinder our relationships, depending on how we address it. A lot of work goes into feeling secure in new polyamorous relationships, often well before people approach a polyamorous relationship, don't give up but instead it might be time to dive in to that self work. Find a counselor familiar with ENM and alternative relationship styles. You are not alone even if you are a monog partner in an ENM relationship.
"Polyamory is selfish." Right, and being monogamous and requiring your partner to reserve all of their romantic and sexual love for you and you alone until the day they die is just the epitome of altruism. 🙄
I think there are some people who are naturally monogamous (myself) and some are naturally poly. The big issue, IMO, is that far too many of us are in mixed relationships. I respect others who want to live their lives how they wish but it would be nice if more people were up front and honest from the start. Also, I think a lot of the "misconceptions" of polyamorous people comes more from open relationships compared to closed relationships. More can understand 3 people in love, only loving each other and not letting anyone else in, compared to people who are together but actively still seeking other partners to be intimate with (hence the cheating with permission mentality). Still this was an interesting vid. Hopefully many will learn from it. 🙂
I think open/mixed relationships are fine as long as people are upfront like you said. I agree that it's quite a bit more difficult for people to wrap their heads around. Glad you liked the video! I was wanting this one to be for both monogamous and non-monogamous people alike.
I have been really struggling with the splitting of exclusivity and commitment in the opening of our nearly six year relationship. We hadn't realised that even though we might have agreed to do this when it came up naturally (as opposed to seeking it out) that we miscommunicated and he didn't realise I was further back in the process, nor how much my traumas would impact things. And I thought he understood how f'd up I was by previous partners, but he didn't understand that either. So I've been scared as hell, had to get up to speed on the basic knowledge of poly and what it all entails to even give myself the basics of how to go about doing it, and then make some actual progress that gets me where my head needs to be in order to not trigger PTSD. Whereas he's been waiting for me just in front of Relationship Anarchist Junction and wondering where the hell I am and why I'm not on board yet. In the last three weeks I've watched every video you've put out (and loads more research besides) in an attempt to get onto the same page, but I think I'm stuck due to not feeling secure attachment (probably ever), and not getting any reassurances now, and I also don't know how to progress with that. I'm happy to do the work, but he's at the point of throwing in the towel because everything I can think of to give me what I need takes away the NRE that he needs. It's killing me. I don't want to lose him but I just don't know how to move forwards without breaking myself or getting broken.
It's absolutely natural to make a lot of mistakes at first. I sure did. The difficult truth is that feelings of jealousy and insecurity are not a light switch. They take time to process and manage. A lot of time. When I'm feeling like my jealousy is spiraling I try to take a breath and instead of thinking about how I'm feeling in that moment I ask myself whether or not I've gotten better over time. Do I feel better about things now than I did, say, three months ago? If yes then I'm making progress regardless of how I feel in the moment. Make sure you're not forcing yourself into polyamory for anyone else. If you don't feel like anything is feeling better for a long time then there's certainly the possibility that it's just not for you. I know that is a tough pill to swallow because it has implications for your current relationship. But in the long run you don't want to be forcing yourself to be something you're not. Best of luck. ❤️
@@polyamfam Truly I think people are either wired for polyamory, or they are not. If you have to work at it like a long off goal and struggle to marshal every fiber of your will to get there every single day, it almost certainly isn't for you. Polyamory and monogamy are, if not exactly sexual orientations, something closely analogous to it. We no longer (mostly) encourage a gay person to "become" hetero for the sake of not losing someone or tell someone who is transgender that they should suck it up and live as their assigned birth to maintain a relationship. We shouldn't use that kind of thinking with this question either.
@@polyamfam thank you. As of right now we are just a few weeks in, we've talked so much and it has been so emotional. I'm definitely making progress, and 100% on board because I know the benefits are things I want. The religious and societal conditionings are causing some brutal feelings, however. Something I would like to know is what your timeline was like? What happened at what stage? How hard each transition was?
@@kenofken9458 no id argument for 🇺🇸 law polly-committed marriage rights is a sexual orientation just like monotonous marriages are. ie under the 1963 civil rights act ect... BTW i had to learn the hard way im Polly-marriage ( with bi-female's, as i can't do/tolerant male gay-sexually and can't tolerate other guy's or sex/cuddle-less-marriage in my home... ) type, as my first "1-woman+1-man religious" try ended in deforce-court =$100k+ personal experience loss's all under 21yo and a career that got for now stifled, aka hardcore life lessons that im willingness to share so others like me don't make the same bad-taste ending nothing on gay-male's/🏳🌈 know some that are 👍and some others that don't respect my personal boundary's
Big question, I have been going through a separation from my wife, but recently we have been exploring getting back together and she has told me she has been doing a lot of soul searching and after coaching sessions she is polyamourus and if we get back together that’s the relationship she wants. I have done some study and willing to explore this lifestyle yet I believe I am monogamous any advice?
Definitely don't start a polyamorous or open relationship if you're fairly certain you would be hurt if your partner was intimate with someone else. Otherwise try to elaborate on what being monogamous means for you. What is it that makes you identify with monogamy? Why does it feel right for you? Why do other relationship models not feel right for you?
Hi! have a just a tiny point to criticize in this video. I would prefer if you say "safer sex" instead of "safe sex". It may not seem like a significant difference but actually, if you are fully informed about stis, you probably know that there is always a risk even with tests and condoms. Specifically talking about non cancerous HPV and herpes here. Please be aware of this, because this is important to further destigmatize these types of infections!
Safer sex ain't zero risk for sure. On the other hand, many people especially those who are (allegedly) monogamous or hostile to polyamory tend to vastly overstate the STI risk. It's there, certainly, but it's also very manageable, and a lot of that comes down to consciousness and good communications as much as any specific tool like condoms. Over many years in this, I feel safer, with or without condoms with people who are consciously and ethically non-monogamous than I ever would meeting someone on a regular dating site or in a bar. Most everyone I know gets tested every three months, or at least a couple times every year. They would reach out to their partners if something came up. There are a hell of a lot of people in the monogamous (or serially monogamous) population who haven't tested in years, if ever.
4:06 - I definitely do not want to date all my friends. And I have absolutely zero interest in monogamous people. When I know someone is monogamous it is an immediate turnoff. ...Take that as you will, I guess. Even on dating sites when people say "open to monogamous or polyamorous relationships," it's a big red flag for me. THAT right there is the kind of polyamory that shows fear of commitment. If you're open to either, why would a polyamorist date you if you're clearly open to leaving them for a monogamist? I wouldn't call it polyamory, but rather "temporary companionship" or something.
As a Poly person who is content in a monog relationship spare us your higher than thou judgment. For starters if I'm commited to someone who is poly im fine with it I'm not going to "leave" them for a monog relationship. Just as if I enter a monog relationship from being fully single I wouldn't leave them to go be poly with other partners. I'm content with 1 person but I also can enjoy polyamory equally. Y'all and your judgnental stereotypes SMH.
@@Moonwolfice44 (I don’t normally take the time to respond to belligerent comments like this, but I’m doing so because the polyam community is important to me, and I’m making the judgement call that you are probably worth talking to about this, especially because you seemed to somehow be hurt by your interpretation of all this. So, come into this with the understanding that I’m taking the time to do this because I think YOU are probably worth it. And I’m spending a not-insignificant amount of time on this, hoping that I don’t waste it on someone who intends to just be belligerent.) I want to start by saying that it's a bad look to respond to someone saying "this is a red flag" with a comment that is essentially "screw you." Because ignoring and minimizing the concerns about red flags is also a red flag. And I must also say that none of this makes anyone a bad person. You're essentially upset here because I wouldn't want to date you. I never said that people who do this eat babies or anything. Red flags aren’t signs that people are bad. They can be. But they are, first and foremost, signs that you wouldn’t want to date someone. So, this is an absolutely disingenuous reading of my comment, and the fact that I would not want to risk dating someone who has clearly said they're "open to monogamy," isn't a judgment on you, or your relationship. It never would be - as this comment isn’t about relationships but about how we advertise what we're looking for. Respectfully, the world doesn't revolve around you. None of anything I said is about how people conduct their relationships, but rather how they communicate their relationship to, and understanding of, polyamory. I couldn't really care less about whatever your relationship is. This is about how I look for partners. When you say that you wouldn't leave a polyamorous partner for a monogamous relationship - I believe you. *Because you’re saying it to me.* But that’s just not what the words, “open to monogamy or polyamory,” say. The fact remains, if someone is "open to monogamy" that means they're open to being in an exclusive relationship where both partners are only exclusive to each other. Dating a person who is polyamorous is in no way monogamy, even if one of the parties is exclusive to another. If people ever said, “Open to dating a polyamorous person who has multiple partners. Though I only wish to have one partner, I will support you in your other relationships,” that would be the best, because the words, “open to monogamy or polyamory,” do not mean that at all. Polyamorous people look at dating sites as profiles that stick around, because for us, and the people we're looking for, they generally do. How does it look while we're dating someone and their profile says, "open to monogamy?" But to go further: "I can just remove that part when I get into a relationship with a polyamorous person." - But should you? Like, your profile is about who you are, and if you're polyamorous, and that profile is sticking around, should parts of who you are change just because you just entered into a relationship? Sure, it will change, since people change over time, and you can say that you're in a new relationship and add new facts. But changing an integral part of yourself, because the person you're in a relationship with is polyamorous, seems... I dunno, I don't have a word for it. It seems weird and uncomfortable, I guess. People shouldn’t have to do that. It’s like, if you started dating a smoker so you just updated your profile to say that you smoke now, because since you like this person you’re going to smoke too. It’s weird. Plus, if you have to change something AFTER you begin dating a polyamorous person, wouldn't you think that thing could be a hindrance to entering the relationship? These words: “Open to monogamy or polyamory,” on their own, quite literally mean, “I am open to polyamory, where I can have multiple partners, but I’m also open to being exclusive with one person, so if I’m still open to monogamy while in a polyamorous relationship, that means I’m willing to leave those partners for exclusivity with one person.” Those 5 worse with zero added context (as is most common) - this is just what they mean, because the words have context in-and-of-themselves if we don’t provide additional context. That built-in context is that “Monogamy is an exclusive relationship between only two people,” and “polyamory is being open to relationships with multiple people.” This is certainly not how all the people who have this in their profile feel. But if so, they’re the kind of people who haven’t put any care or thought into it, and as such are the kind of people I would not want to be with. And your situation where you say you came into a monogamous relationship from being single, and have no problem either way with monogamy or polyamory, is really just an example of why I wouldn't want to be with someone who would do this. Being polyamorous comes with a lot to learn and there needs to be a commitment to learning, and gaining the kind of understanding of polyamory that we are indoctrinated with for monogamy. It's not something people can really step in and out of on a whim. Learning how to thrive in polyamory and effectively nurture multiple relationships is a commitment on its own that needs to be done, even when single. And the fact is, I want to have partners that are fully committed to growing in polyamory, learning, and evolving, exploring how different relationships can be nurtured, all on a day by day basis. Not just managing their relationships, but growing their core ideas. And I have never known someone to be “open to monogamy” if that's the kind of person they are. Certainly there's some exceptions. But I lock my door at night even though most people aren’t going to rob me. I’m so glad that you are in a happy relationship and you’ve figured out what works for you. But literally nothing here is an attack on you. I'm sure you’re a good person. Just not the kind of person I would ever date.
I also have to say, I do understand your kneejerk reaction. I was fairly blunt in my original comment. I hadn't considered that people wouldn't understand the contextual implications of the words, "open to monogamy or polyamory." As such my original comment can certainly come across as, "polyamorous people who enter into into mono relationships are bad," if the context is ignored. Sorry about that.
Via text I'm not sure if this is meant to be a compliment or an insult. Regardless I tend to use folks. I don't have any issue with people using it, but to me it seems a bit performative and unnecessary.
I'd be curious to see an objective assessment not from someone who's putting the best spin on their own community. Not blaming the guy, everyone views their community in the best possible light. And I'm sure he's telling the truth in his corner of his community.
It's true that the community encompasses a very wide array of people. There are absolutely people with bad experiences, and that's totally valid. I've had my share of those experiences too. So far they've all been issues with individuals and not the structures of polyamory itself. It's really difficult to have a truly objective take on polyamory without some kind of bias. A lot of monogamists I've seen speak negatively about polyamory speak as if they're being objective but are very obviously following a hypothetical, uninformed, and/or ridiculously specific narrative. I completely agree that people should be informed by different perspectives.
By the way this comment got me thinking and inspired a video I'm about to make. I want to clarify in case you see it that the video is in no way complaining about you. It's about several other comments I've gotten.
the success of polymory is widespread..look at SBF and his poly group. and Jim jones. and the Mansons all great examples of poly love..what was I thinking
the success of monogamy is widespread...look at Robert Blake and Chris Benoit, and Oscar Pistorius all great examples of monogamous love...what was I thinking
Ah yes, the three groups who clearly represent the countless people in the polyamorous community. 😂 Were Jim Jones and the Mansons even polyamorous? Come on, now. I even said in the video that when people mistakenly use the word polygamy people think of religious sects that the polyamorous community doesn't associate with.
so you have this lifestyle all worked out and shun those horrible polygamists that have existed for thousands of years..I am currently in istanbul studying the Ottoman Empire and the harem..the history is violent and treacherous..my own great grandparents were successful polygamists..your dismissal of anything bad associated with this lifestyle demonstrates your narrow-minded attitude.keep sliding it in where you choose buddy..your viewership would indicate that no-one really cares...@@polyamfam
Yeeeeeah those are your words, not mine. I do not shun polygamy. I said the polyamorous community doesn't tend to associate with it. They're different things. You're studying history. Cool. I'm talking about the present day polyamorous community. Consensual and non-violent. I'm also not talking about harems. But I guess it's all cool if your grandparents do it? You're all over the place. Nice job implying that polyamory is only about sex, which is also covered in the video you either didn't watch or completely ignored.
The polyamourous people near me tend to do a terrible job of taking care of their children and are only poly until they find the one. Usually it is a liberal couple where she is poly and he is ok with it but then he decides to try it out and then she gets jealous and they break up and often he ends up with the new girl and she ends up with that guy or the next guy. We used to just call that dating and or cheating but there is a little bit more integrity here I guess in the honesty but certainly the children get less care since the parents are always thinking about themselves and not their children.
I don't want to discard your experiences, but I'm a bit skeptical that this pretty specific thing happened to multiple polyamorous people near you. It also doesn't sound like you're close friends with these people, so I'm not sure how you would know details about what their parenting is like. Seems fishy.
Oh my god the open book test metaphor was *perfect*
Finally, the algorithm has guided me to my people. I've been poly for years, and have never actually had the luck of being in a relationship with another poly person. I'm also on the asexual spectrum so here's to mythbusting lol
Feeld is a great app if you are looking for other polam folks to connect with
Ohhh if you haven't seen this channel yet you might like Ace Dad Advice. Polyamorous and ace. There are so many more of y'all than people think!
Same here! Sex, I could take it or leave it, but I crave love. And as I'm learning more about relationships and myself, I'm definitely open to polyamory
@@mq8858 I know sex doesn't equal love automatically but may I ask what your definition of love would be? If you wish to answer thanks for your time 😊
@@lizicadumitru9683 Love is the choice you make to cherish someone. It can start as infatuation or curiosity, but when you give your heart to someone entirely, that is love, in my opinion.
"Polyamory is all about sex" me: an ace person in a poly relationship with another ace person...
Non of you have fucks to give
Bullshit!
I think polyamory is for less than 1% of the population. I don’t like it, but this video is amazing! You explained it in such a reasonable and respectful manner, not trying to do the us x them thing that many people do.
I loved it!
Much love and respect 🙏🏼
Thank you! I disagree about the 1% thing, but I appreciate that you can hear out the perspective of others and get something from the video. I try to stay out of that us vs. them mentality. I reserve that mode for people who are super mean to polyam people. Thanks for watching!
Love constantly seeking out different perspectives, and when feasible trying to actually live through those lenses. This includes polyamory in my life as well. With that said, given the U.S. population is over 300 million, anything above 1% seems to beggar belief anecdotally as well as what little quality data is available. I'm all for channels like this, but look askance at what often feels like to me as covert evangelism for a niche lifestyle (that is very fitting for some!) under the guise as purely informational content. I don't think it's done in bad faith. . . but it is a problem depending on how they treat discourse around monogamy. @@polyamfam
Your videos are great, thank you. I'm currently in a polyamorous relationship, but I'm very very new and I'm dealing with a lot of anxiety and issues.
I met my partner after breaking up with my ex boyfriend, almost and year ago, and we fell head over heels. My last relationship had been awful, although monogamous and as standard as possible, so when my partner told me that he was poly and had been in a relationship for 10 years and counting, I said to myself: "Monogamy clearly is not the key to the perfect relationship and maybe this level of sincerity and commitment to communication is better than having someone swearing he will love you forever but treating you like shit in the meantime". So I gave myself the possibility to step out of my confort zone and gave it a go.
The problem now is that even though I'm still incredibly in love with my partner, I'm constantly scared he needs me to fill up on the emotional gap his other partner leaves him with (not my words, I do think his other partner is an incredible person and is trying their best just like every other part of our configuration). He often tells me that I can give him what the other partner can't, but I don't feel fluttered, I feel used. And this hurts.
Also, his family doesn't know about me but there are things I really miss about relationships. Bonding with my partner's family, being able to attend weddings, family gatherings and such, which is something that he does with my family and loves to do, but I can't do, since this is something he does with his other partner. It's like he's all over my life but I just exist partially in his. For context, we're in our mid 20s, we're not kids, and that leads to me thinking that hiding me from his family wouldn't even be that necessary, to be honest. What's worse is that I don't really know what I'm supposed to feel, and being envious and jealous 24/7 makes me feel sick of myself. I don't feel like a person I want to be. I feel so toxic and wrong all the time.
I'm trying to be better and your videos really help.
Actually thanks for your comment! We talk alot about poly people difficulties with dating mono people of Being in mono relationship, but not the struggles of mono dating poly people. I exactly have the same problem : I got the chance to discover her family through phone discussion while I was here, and it was great, but her boyfriend told me since, he's been cheated by his ex girlfriend with another girls, he doesn't want me to be presented to my girl's family. And it makes me really sad to bed the secret partner, while I talk freely about her and want to preseny her to my family. + I don't know how to deal with the whole coming out thing : will my parents understand the concept? If hey disapprove, as their matter really is important for me, it would put a strain on my relationship with my girl.
Check out the video that discusses tips for coping with jealousy in polyamorous relationships. Jealousy is a normal reaction and emotion and how we cope with feelings of jealousy can enhance or hinder our relationships, depending on how we address it. A lot of work goes into feeling secure in new polyamorous relationships, often well before people approach a polyamorous relationship, don't give up but instead it might be time to dive in to that self work. Find a counselor familiar with ENM and alternative relationship styles. You are not alone even if you are a monog partner in an ENM relationship.
Dude I'm so glad you post content like this! It really helps me ease a lot of anxiety I have as someone new to polyamory. Keep it up! ❤️❤️❤️
Glad it's getting to the people who need it. I'll definitely keep it up! Thanks for the kind words.
Honestly when people call me greedy I'm just like "And?"
"Polyamory is selfish." Right, and being monogamous and requiring your partner to reserve all of their romantic and sexual love for you and you alone until the day they die is just the epitome of altruism. 🙄
Monogamy? In this Economy? Helping the algorithm with interaction and all.
Much appreciated!
Seen a lot of your vids and this is one of my all-time favs! Super great and succinct descriptions. Look forward to sharing this with folks!
Love your work...... I have ordered from your epic store....
Thanks so much for supporting the shop! It really enables me to make all of my content.
I think there are some people who are naturally monogamous (myself) and some are naturally poly. The big issue, IMO, is that far too many of us are in mixed relationships. I respect others who want to live their lives how they wish but it would be nice if more people were up front and honest from the start.
Also, I think a lot of the "misconceptions" of polyamorous people comes more from open relationships compared to closed relationships. More can understand 3 people in love, only loving each other and not letting anyone else in, compared to people who are together but actively still seeking other partners to be intimate with (hence the cheating with permission mentality).
Still this was an interesting vid. Hopefully many will learn from it. 🙂
I think open/mixed relationships are fine as long as people are upfront like you said. I agree that it's quite a bit more difficult for people to wrap their heads around.
Glad you liked the video! I was wanting this one to be for both monogamous and non-monogamous people alike.
I have been really struggling with the splitting of exclusivity and commitment in the opening of our nearly six year relationship. We hadn't realised that even though we might have agreed to do this when it came up naturally (as opposed to seeking it out) that we miscommunicated and he didn't realise I was further back in the process, nor how much my traumas would impact things. And I thought he understood how f'd up I was by previous partners, but he didn't understand that either. So I've been scared as hell, had to get up to speed on the basic knowledge of poly and what it all entails to even give myself the basics of how to go about doing it, and then make some actual progress that gets me where my head needs to be in order to not trigger PTSD. Whereas he's been waiting for me just in front of Relationship Anarchist Junction and wondering where the hell I am and why I'm not on board yet.
In the last three weeks I've watched every video you've put out (and loads more research besides) in an attempt to get onto the same page, but I think I'm stuck due to not feeling secure attachment (probably ever), and not getting any reassurances now, and I also don't know how to progress with that. I'm happy to do the work, but he's at the point of throwing in the towel because everything I can think of to give me what I need takes away the NRE that he needs. It's killing me. I don't want to lose him but I just don't know how to move forwards without breaking myself or getting broken.
It's absolutely natural to make a lot of mistakes at first. I sure did. The difficult truth is that feelings of jealousy and insecurity are not a light switch. They take time to process and manage. A lot of time. When I'm feeling like my jealousy is spiraling I try to take a breath and instead of thinking about how I'm feeling in that moment I ask myself whether or not I've gotten better over time. Do I feel better about things now than I did, say, three months ago? If yes then I'm making progress regardless of how I feel in the moment.
Make sure you're not forcing yourself into polyamory for anyone else. If you don't feel like anything is feeling better for a long time then there's certainly the possibility that it's just not for you. I know that is a tough pill to swallow because it has implications for your current relationship. But in the long run you don't want to be forcing yourself to be something you're not.
Best of luck. ❤️
@@polyamfam Truly I think people are either wired for polyamory, or they are not. If you have to work at it like a long off goal and struggle to marshal every fiber of your will to get there every single day, it almost certainly isn't for you.
Polyamory and monogamy are, if not exactly sexual orientations, something closely analogous to it. We no longer (mostly) encourage a gay person to "become" hetero for the sake of not losing someone or tell someone who is transgender that they should suck it up and live as their assigned birth to maintain a relationship. We shouldn't use that kind of thinking with this question either.
@@polyamfam thank you.
As of right now we are just a few weeks in, we've talked so much and it has been so emotional. I'm definitely making progress, and 100% on board because I know the benefits are things I want. The religious and societal conditionings are causing some brutal feelings, however.
Something I would like to know is what your timeline was like? What happened at what stage? How hard each transition was?
@@kenofken9458 no id argument for 🇺🇸 law polly-committed marriage rights is a sexual orientation just like monotonous marriages are. ie under the 1963 civil rights act ect...
BTW i had to learn the hard way im Polly-marriage ( with bi-female's, as i can't do/tolerant male gay-sexually and can't tolerate other guy's or sex/cuddle-less-marriage in my home... ) type, as my first "1-woman+1-man religious" try ended in deforce-court =$100k+ personal experience loss's all under 21yo and a career that got for now stifled, aka hardcore life lessons that im willingness to share so others like me don't make the same bad-taste ending
nothing on gay-male's/🏳🌈 know some that are 👍and some others that don't respect my personal boundary's
Ughhhh this vid was awesome! Thank you!! 🫡🫡🫡
Thank you guys. I enjoyed watching this one! Very nice!
2:00 Me: "POLY-GUY-KNEE" lmao
Who came up with the spelling for that word? Fired.
Greeks ! 😂@@polyamfam
Big question, I have been going through a separation from my wife, but recently we have been exploring getting back together and she has told me she has been doing a lot of soul searching and after coaching sessions she is polyamourus and if we get back together that’s the relationship she wants. I have done some study and willing to explore this lifestyle yet I believe I am monogamous any advice?
Definitely don't start a polyamorous or open relationship if you're fairly certain you would be hurt if your partner was intimate with someone else. Otherwise try to elaborate on what being monogamous means for you. What is it that makes you identify with monogamy? Why does it feel right for you? Why do other relationship models not feel right for you?
I find it strange to call either being mono or poly as "selfish." Both relationship dynamics require you to be selfless in one way or another.
Hi! have a just a tiny point to criticize in this video.
I would prefer if you say "safer sex" instead of "safe sex". It may not seem like a significant difference but actually, if you are fully informed about stis, you probably know that there is always a risk even with tests and condoms. Specifically talking about non cancerous HPV and herpes here.
Please be aware of this, because this is important to further destigmatize these types of infections!
I agree that is better wording. Thank you.
Safer sex ain't zero risk for sure. On the other hand, many people especially those who are (allegedly) monogamous or hostile to polyamory tend to vastly overstate the STI risk. It's there, certainly, but it's also very manageable, and a lot of that comes down to consciousness and good communications as much as any specific tool like condoms.
Over many years in this, I feel safer, with or without condoms with people who are consciously and ethically non-monogamous than I ever would meeting someone on a regular dating site or in a bar. Most everyone I know gets tested every three months, or at least a couple times every year. They would reach out to their partners if something came up. There are a hell of a lot of people in the monogamous (or serially monogamous) population who haven't tested in years, if ever.
Loooooove this!
Polyamory is neither selfish nor selfless. It is egalitarian.
I'm going to have better first dates because of you.
Algorithm comment 👍
Can you take an emotional affair and turn it into a beautiful polyamorous thing?
4:06 - I definitely do not want to date all my friends. And I have absolutely zero interest in monogamous people. When I know someone is monogamous it is an immediate turnoff. ...Take that as you will, I guess. Even on dating sites when people say "open to monogamous or polyamorous relationships," it's a big red flag for me. THAT right there is the kind of polyamory that shows fear of commitment. If you're open to either, why would a polyamorist date you if you're clearly open to leaving them for a monogamist? I wouldn't call it polyamory, but rather "temporary companionship" or something.
A poly person who is "open" to monogamy is either lying to themselves or desperate for anyone they can get to reply to their profile.
As a Poly person who is content in a monog relationship spare us your higher than thou judgment.
For starters if I'm commited to someone who is poly im fine with it I'm not going to "leave" them for a monog relationship. Just as if I enter a monog relationship from being fully single I wouldn't leave them to go be poly with other partners. I'm content with 1 person but I also can enjoy polyamory equally.
Y'all and your judgnental stereotypes SMH.
@@Moonwolfice44 (I don’t normally take the time to respond to belligerent comments like this, but I’m doing so because the polyam community is important to me, and I’m making the judgement call that you are probably worth talking to about this, especially because you seemed to somehow be hurt by your interpretation of all this. So, come into this with the understanding that I’m taking the time to do this because I think YOU are probably worth it. And I’m spending a not-insignificant amount of time on this, hoping that I don’t waste it on someone who intends to just be belligerent.)
I want to start by saying that it's a bad look to respond to someone saying "this is a red flag" with a comment that is essentially "screw you." Because ignoring and minimizing the concerns about red flags is also a red flag.
And I must also say that none of this makes anyone a bad person. You're essentially upset here because I wouldn't want to date you. I never said that people who do this eat babies or anything. Red flags aren’t signs that people are bad. They can be. But they are, first and foremost, signs that you wouldn’t want to date someone.
So, this is an absolutely disingenuous reading of my comment, and the fact that I would not want to risk dating someone who has clearly said they're "open to monogamy," isn't a judgment on you, or your relationship. It never would be - as this comment isn’t about relationships but about how we advertise what we're looking for. Respectfully, the world doesn't revolve around you. None of anything I said is about how people conduct their relationships, but rather how they communicate their relationship to, and understanding of, polyamory. I couldn't really care less about whatever your relationship is. This is about how I look for partners.
When you say that you wouldn't leave a polyamorous partner for a monogamous relationship - I believe you.
*Because you’re saying it to me.*
But that’s just not what the words, “open to monogamy or polyamory,” say.
The fact remains, if someone is "open to monogamy" that means they're open to being in an exclusive relationship where both partners are only exclusive to each other. Dating a person who is polyamorous is in no way monogamy, even if one of the parties is exclusive to another.
If people ever said, “Open to dating a polyamorous person who has multiple partners. Though I only wish to have one partner, I will support you in your other relationships,” that would be the best, because the words, “open to monogamy or polyamory,” do not mean that at all.
Polyamorous people look at dating sites as profiles that stick around, because for us, and the people we're looking for, they generally do.
How does it look while we're dating someone and their profile says, "open to monogamy?"
But to go further: "I can just remove that part when I get into a relationship with a polyamorous person." - But should you? Like, your profile is about who you are, and if you're polyamorous, and that profile is sticking around, should parts of who you are change just because you just entered into a relationship? Sure, it will change, since people change over time, and you can say that you're in a new relationship and add new facts. But changing an integral part of yourself, because the person you're in a relationship with is polyamorous, seems... I dunno, I don't have a word for it. It seems weird and uncomfortable, I guess. People shouldn’t have to do that. It’s like, if you started dating a smoker so you just updated your profile to say that you smoke now, because since you like this person you’re going to smoke too. It’s weird.
Plus, if you have to change something AFTER you begin dating a polyamorous person, wouldn't you think that thing could be a hindrance to entering the relationship?
These words: “Open to monogamy or polyamory,” on their own, quite literally mean, “I am open to polyamory, where I can have multiple partners, but I’m also open to being exclusive with one person, so if I’m still open to monogamy while in a polyamorous relationship, that means I’m willing to leave those partners for exclusivity with one person.” Those 5 worse with zero added context (as is most common) - this is just what they mean, because the words have context in-and-of-themselves if we don’t provide additional context. That built-in context is that “Monogamy is an exclusive relationship between only two people,” and “polyamory is being open to relationships with multiple people.”
This is certainly not how all the people who have this in their profile feel. But if so, they’re the kind of people who haven’t put any care or thought into it, and as such are the kind of people I would not want to be with.
And your situation where you say you came into a monogamous relationship from being single, and have no problem either way with monogamy or polyamory, is really just an example of why I wouldn't want to be with someone who would do this. Being polyamorous comes with a lot to learn and there needs to be a commitment to learning, and gaining the kind of understanding of polyamory that we are indoctrinated with for monogamy. It's not something people can really step in and out of on a whim. Learning how to thrive in polyamory and effectively nurture multiple relationships is a commitment on its own that needs to be done, even when single.
And the fact is, I want to have partners that are fully committed to growing in polyamory, learning, and evolving, exploring how different relationships can be nurtured, all on a day by day basis. Not just managing their relationships, but growing their core ideas. And I have never known someone to be “open to monogamy” if that's the kind of person they are.
Certainly there's some exceptions. But I lock my door at night even though most people aren’t going to rob me.
I’m so glad that you are in a happy relationship and you’ve figured out what works for you.
But literally nothing here is an attack on you. I'm sure you’re a good person. Just not the kind of person I would ever date.
I also have to say, I do understand your kneejerk reaction. I was fairly blunt in my original comment. I hadn't considered that people wouldn't understand the contextual implications of the words, "open to monogamy or polyamory." As such my original comment can certainly come across as, "polyamorous people who enter into into mono relationships are bad," if the context is ignored.
Sorry about that.
You have a name?? And it's Chad?? 😂
Indeed it is. I don't love it, but I also didn't pick it. 😂
i can hear the "folx" when you say folks
Via text I'm not sure if this is meant to be a compliment or an insult. Regardless I tend to use folks. I don't have any issue with people using it, but to me it seems a bit performative and unnecessary.
@@polyamfam He’s being a dick.
This is bros entire personality
I mean, this account is named polyamfam. What else would I be posting videos about? 😂
At least he has one.
That is bullshit
I'd be curious to see an objective assessment not from someone who's putting the best spin on their own community.
Not blaming the guy, everyone views their community in the best possible light. And I'm sure he's telling the truth in his corner of his community.
It's true that the community encompasses a very wide array of people. There are absolutely people with bad experiences, and that's totally valid. I've had my share of those experiences too. So far they've all been issues with individuals and not the structures of polyamory itself.
It's really difficult to have a truly objective take on polyamory without some kind of bias. A lot of monogamists I've seen speak negatively about polyamory speak as if they're being objective but are very obviously following a hypothetical, uninformed, and/or ridiculously specific narrative.
I completely agree that people should be informed by different perspectives.
By the way this comment got me thinking and inspired a video I'm about to make. I want to clarify in case you see it that the video is in no way complaining about you. It's about several other comments I've gotten.
the success of polymory is widespread..look at SBF and his poly group. and Jim jones. and the Mansons all great examples of poly love..what was I thinking
the success of monogamy is widespread...look at Robert Blake and Chris Benoit, and Oscar Pistorius all great examples of monogamous love...what was I thinking
Ah yes, the three groups who clearly represent the countless people in the polyamorous community. 😂 Were Jim Jones and the Mansons even polyamorous? Come on, now.
I even said in the video that when people mistakenly use the word polygamy people think of religious sects that the polyamorous community doesn't associate with.
so you have this lifestyle all worked out and shun those horrible polygamists that have existed for thousands of years..I am currently in istanbul studying the Ottoman Empire and the harem..the history is violent and treacherous..my own great grandparents were successful polygamists..your dismissal of anything bad associated with this lifestyle demonstrates your narrow-minded attitude.keep sliding it in where you choose buddy..your viewership would indicate that no-one really cares...@@polyamfam
Yeeeeeah those are your words, not mine. I do not shun polygamy. I said the polyamorous community doesn't tend to associate with it. They're different things.
You're studying history. Cool. I'm talking about the present day polyamorous community. Consensual and non-violent. I'm also not talking about harems. But I guess it's all cool if your grandparents do it? You're all over the place.
Nice job implying that polyamory is only about sex, which is also covered in the video you either didn't watch or completely ignored.
Oh and I'd like to point out that you straight up abandoned what you were talking about in your original comment because it's nonsense.
The polyamourous people near me tend to do a terrible job of taking care of their children and are only poly until they find the one. Usually it is a liberal couple where she is poly and he is ok with it but then he decides to try it out and then she gets jealous and they break up and often he ends up with the new girl and she ends up with that guy or the next guy. We used to just call that dating and or cheating but there is a little bit more integrity here I guess in the honesty but certainly the children get less care since the parents are always thinking about themselves and not their children.
So, like, you just didn't watch the video at all, didja
I don't want to discard your experiences, but I'm a bit skeptical that this pretty specific thing happened to multiple polyamorous people near you. It also doesn't sound like you're close friends with these people, so I'm not sure how you would know details about what their parenting is like. Seems fishy.
Very fishy indeed. I don't buy that.
So when did everyone clap?