Yep, or friends that didn't want to step in to be a real friend and listen. I hate the statement , "You're so strong!" Strong people have breaking points and that needs to be realized.
When I asked for help or was having a hard time with something or just sad I got yelled at and guilt tripped and told Im bad and selfish and that other people have it worse than me.
I'm so sorry that u had to hear that. Even if other people had it worse didnt make what u are feeling less real. Whatever you felt and feel matters❤❤ I wish you love and warm hugs ❤❤
Similarly got punished and shamed for having any emotion at all, and it's taken 31 years (and counting) to simply let myself feel all the stuff. We deserve to feel and to take up space and we don't have to do it alone
Yeah, and the self-imposed guilt trip and shame that you’re old enough that you should’ve gotten over all this long ago gets worse over time, not better. The better you had it as a kid, the less slack you give yourself as an older adult.
I've gone from oversharing to shutting down entirely, isolating and now trying to reopen and socialize but obsessing over what is the "normal" amount of sharing or the "normal" amount of interdependence . It is so so hard...I've been told I am hard to get to know, yet I am also an oversharer at times, so I never know what is acceptable. How to navigate this?
I think it’s great that you’re making progress - I can 100% relate to obsessing over what you’ve shared/ not shared - it’s a never-ending nightmare and I hope you can peace. ❤
@@Croneposse429 exactly, it makes it so difficult and then I feel my energy is off becauae I'm in my head wondering should I say more, was that too closed of an answer, should I ask them more questions or is that going to feel like an interrogation.
Also oversharing, especially in the beginning of a relationship, might cause the other person to misunderstand you because some of the things you share like your choices or how you handled certain situations will not make sense to them unless they have already spent a good amount of time with you and know you on a deeper level
@@Diane_McDon Having courage to look within and doing the work for self growth is a very rewarding process even if it seems hard in the beginning… I have started sharing videos related to emotional and physical wellbeing with holistic approach and if you’d like to check them out, they are on my channel.
I used to have all 3 behaviours. Managed to unlearn chronic neediness, learning how to self-regulate was a true miracle for me. I'm currently working on the oversharing, and it's gotten much better. Only the hyper-independence is still a huge issue...
Few years ago and i would hv identified with all of them But today I can proudly say that I overcame all of this to the extent that my current version doesnt resonate with it at all. I'm so happy and proud of myself. 🥺🥺❤❤ You got this guys. Prioritize your healing. Prioritize reparenting and soothing your inner child. There's nothing more happier than realizing that you broke the pattern you were stuck in and had a majestic breakthrough 🥺🥺❤ I am rooting for all of you. Love and tight hugs❤❤
#1 and #2 for sure with me. I've become so hyper-independent that #3 is never an issue for me. I prefer to be in my own bubble, not relying on anyone bc most people can't or won't give me what I need.
I think these aren't always developed in childhood, because sometimes things happen in adulthood that affect your mental health and then these things can come up when you're depleted.
Im sat alone in my room with my long term partner downstairs. He didn’t hear me when I really needed him to pay attention. He was on his phone receiving sound through his hearing aids so I didn’t even know he was ‘missing’ I go crazy when ignored and withdraw to comfort myself. Your chat sums me up!!!
Oversharing and hyper independence over here 😊 when I concentrate on stopping myself from oversharing and letting others talk then it feels like I'm blocking my mind from doing anything..
One thing ive learnt over time understanding complex trauma and these bad habits ive adopted to survive is that even though ive had the strongest urge to want to get over these things as fast as possible, but then it would leave me burnt out and desperate. So ive leanrt to be compassionate and loving to myself when i am in the midst of this stuff, now knowing and understanding thst it will take time to unravel these survival behaviors and in knowing tharlt while im compassionate and kind to myself makes it better.
Asking for any kind of help wasn't something that I, the eldest parentified, wanted to do. I was so sheltered as it was. The only social interactions came from the youth church group (a group I had fun with) because I was always grounded from not being able to pass math classes. That lack of socialization has led me to be an oversharer in order to find common ground. Being hyperindependent + oversharer = boyfriends that I would hid behind and attach his identity to mine due to my lack of social/friend making skills. I wish I would have learned this a while back. It has only been within the last 8 months that I have been able to deconstruct and find the root causes.
Full house! It's reaffirming and thankyou I'm not going crazy there's a logic to my behavior. This healing hurts big hugs to everyone here on this self compassion journey ❤ slowly getting my resilience to connect
I always used to think, that by sharing more(oversharing), I am showing them that I trust them and I was equally open for them to share, some of them did share and I am a good listener, so I didn't push anyone in the end, but I always felt that people in general didn't like me oversharing and some bad ones actually took advantage of it too.
Dont give too much but dont give too little. Be mysterious but authentic. Swim but also float and fly. Now that you have become enlightened you will never form a connection with another human ever again.
It's not about trying to be any one way. It's when you have trauma running the show you do these things and when you start healing the trauma these extreme behaviors fall aways into more healthy ones. Anytime we are trying to be something or another then we on on the wrong track.
I’m 57 and I struggle with this as well. I work on relationship dynamics as they come up in therapy and it is so helpful. I ask for grace for myself when I feel like I am oversharing. We are not perfect. To be alive is to be Aware. Stay committed to healing yourself. Never stop being you. I 🙏🏾we will ALL find our way to HEALING ourselves and others ❤
On one hand you can see it as somebody who hasn’t gone through feeling like that, thinking that saying it means that they care about you so much and the only thing they can say to you that can tell you how much they dont want you to leave like that, is to tell you outright they never want to hear you say that again. On the other hand other hand that’s a very horrible way to express that feeling.
@@bitsnthings if someone came to me with pain in their heart ( anyone) the last thing I would say not to ever say anything like that to me again - unless I was a total egocentric egomaniac
I remember in elementary school being SUPER consciously aware of not crying in front of other kids to not appear "weak" in front of them, that's how hyper independent I was
Ahh, yes. I still do it. My husband died, and no one saw me cry, but I was, and sometimes still am 10 years later, a complete mess over it. Look weak? Absolutely not...
All friends who overshares or chronic neediness aren’t my friends anymore. When I was friends with these two type of people my position was the listener, a therapist giving counselling and attempting to fix, validating and uplifting their self esteem. When I would cease there’s now an issue because I stop be a therapist. Over time, I stop hanging out with these two type of people. I am hyper independence so.
I’m a chronic listener and therapist to my friends, partners, coworkers and f they don’t reciprocate. This was my role to my mentally ill mother from early childhood, but I don’t understand how to fix this or how to attract people that show an interest in me. I’m 46 and rarely get my emotional needs met. I wish I knew how to change this.
The thing is - people who over share don't usually want advice, nor are they more in need of comfort and "therapy" than others. It is how they try to deepen a relationship. The hope and expectation is "if I open up, they will open up, too, and we will be really close". So they feel pushed back by advice.
@@LettersFromAFriend YES! As a neurodiverse/neurocomplex person and also a survivor of childhood trauma and abuse, I have been thinking about how I have been in the practice of oversharing much of my life, and how my intention has been to open up to others to express they're safe if they choose to be vulnerable and open up with me - something I did not experience in childhood. I've come to learn this is also info-dumping, one of the love languages of non-neurotypical people. I am beginning to realize how my oversharing comes across, and it's pushed far more people away than brought them closer and I have felt puzzled when people offer advice and so naturally I'd push back. This is all eye-opening.
All these behaviors seem to arise from a lack of trust that we will get our needs met (makes sense when they weren't met, or were the objects of shame) AND perpetuate the cycle of unmet needs by pushing people away. Absolutely essential, and much easier said than done, to create corrective emotional experiences where our nervous systems learn that we are indeed safe and we can and will get our needs met, DESPITE the activation and discomfort.
This is a catch 22. Other people overshare and then criticize you for being hyper-independent even tho that’s how you were raised. And when you finally do need their help, they blame you for chronic neediness. You literally can’t win, and that’s why they call it co-dependent. Even the name is victim blaming.
Yes! Seen that happen a lot. People oversharing something and they get comforted. Then when you share something, you get reprimanded. I think it’s people showing favoritism to certain needs. It’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation. It’s confusing.
I hope you will have the humility to question your message about over sharing when it comes to the highly traumatized; it’s so so subjective, especially when considering high levels of complex trauma many have had. I believe your message is similar to asking individuals with autism to mask more, mask better- ask a friend what the right thought or feeling is. I used to teach kids with autism in that way and wish I could undo it. What if we just…accepted people? “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change,” Carl Rogers
My dad was a great man. I hold no resentment against him, but unfortunately he was abusive in a relatively small way that’s had a large impact. I was often told to shut-up or yelled at if I continued speaking, most of what I’d say would appear to him as if I was being a smart-arse or just complaining, being a sook (there was a specific more profane word he’d use for this but it bears no repeating here). I could not question a decision made, even in my teens without being yelled at if he did not want to negotiate with me. This is probably extremely common. Maybe it’s why I have trouble being assertive or speaking in groups these days. There’s that ingrained fear of being shouted at or ostracised. I honestly do not blame him though, people are not perfect and he was under a lot of stress and he worked extremely hard. He was a beautiful person in a lot of ways too, one of the realest people out there and many of his friends and colleagues have attested to that. This particular issue I had with him is by no means the sole reason I’ve struggled like I have, just one of them. He died when I was 16 in a motorbike accident and now I’m 31, I’ve missed out on having him here and I’m sure we could have resolved the communication issues and I could speak man to man with him now, but unfortunately I will not get the chance to do that. I do forgive him 100%. I’m glad I had him as a father. Excuse the long-windedness, this is a prime example of over sharing. In real life though I’m often the exact opposite.
Your channel has opened my eyes to the understanding I am not alone in feeling like this. Freeze has been my mode for about 3 years now. Lethargic and unmotivated but 110% overwhelmed.
Nicole i’m still working on these and the oversharing is especially difficult for all who are autistic to change because of the differing way our brain functions. Like i don’t how much to share,what to share and when so often times i can go not sharing anything much and distancing myself. Also i may interpret the other persons silence or delayed response to mean they are ok/ comfortable with the oversharing because they haven’t directly communicated otherwise. It has happened to me too that i have easily misinterpret the depth of the relationship when someone has been kind and friendly to me. The different brain wiring makes it’s so much harder.
Thank you so much, Dr. Nicole. I’m 27 years old and finally starting to understand my chronic neediness and lack of boundaries that have pushed both romantic partners and friends away. It is an isolating feeling when it seems like no one is left, but these videos give a great place to start.
My dad always said “use your head for more than a hat rack” or “figure it out!” I NEVER ask for help. If I have no other choice than to ask for help, I become angry and defensive. I feel incompetent all the time. I don’t do things I’m not SURE I can do. I have moved to the other side of the country to see if I could find my tribe, I’m too needy and scared to even try to connect with others. That puts my husband in a place of my only human interaction. That’s when my neediness shows up. Is there any way out of this? I feel like I’m just waiting around to die. I simply exist and am so lonely.
Another one for me I accidentally hurt people with is ... I guess I'd describe it as hyper passiveness? Someone once handed me a cake, said "Here, this is for you!" and I just didn't even try to eat it. Because my inner monologue in that instance immediately rattled "Is this REALLY for me? May I have misunderstood them? Was there a sarcastic tone in their voice that might have meant it wasn't actually for me? Better not risk it." And then I just left it untouched at the table. For the longest time I had no idea why I was this way and why every social interaction felt like being part of a stage play I never read the script for. Until I watched my mom play with my 1,5 year old daughter. There was absolutely no consistency in what she said or how she said it. A "No" in any tone could mean anything with her. The exact same cheerful, giddy, daring screeching "Nooo, don't you do that now!" could mean "Absolutely do that now, I'll have the funniest, most dramatic reaction every single time!" or it could mean "Don't actually do it, I just want to still be funny while trying to keep you from touching the electrical sockets" or it could mean "Absolutely do it for six times, but if you jump on the couch for the seventh time I'll get overwhelmed and suddenly really agitated". We since stopped her from doing the "No means 'yes absolutely do it, this is fun'" games, which were about 90% of her games, and it had a huge positive impact on our kid's behavior. But now I've noticed that most of her other games are modelling socially off behavior, like toppling over other people's Lego Towers, ridiculing stuffed animals or even our daughter for hurting themselves and generally overfocusing on mistakes anyone makes, throwing toys at people, ripping hair out of her rocking horse and wrapping them around her neck as a "scarf"... All those things are fun games with grandma. I try to not hold it against my mom too much because I feel like doing literally anything to make children laugh is some sort of escapism for her and in no way ill intentoned, but god damn did those games screw with my perception of what was acceptable and what not. I remember times when I playfully told another child how clumsy they were for stumbling and then be utterly confused why I was being scolded for it by my mom even though she was the one to teach me that making fun of others was lighthearted fun. At one point I just shut down because I had no concept of right or wrong. Now I make sure to always be within earshot whenever she's coming down for playtime, and intervene as soon as the games take a questionable turn.
In the process of recovering from childhood and young adult trauma I have learned that there are some people who are very attracted to oversharers and really enable them to keep this process going bc they love the idea of fixing broken people. However, they will rarely share anything about themselves and keep everything tucked in tight about their own lives even when asked. I would encourage those recovering from these oversharing behaviors to be mindful of these types of people. They seem like friends at first and I do think they are well meaning in their own minds but they are suffering from their own issues and need you to need them and then when you don't anymore bc you're healing they will drop you or complain that you always are talking about yourself.
I am somewhat hyper-independent because people seem to disappear when I need them. Somewhere in my childhood I got the message from society in general (at least those around me) that we shouldn’t need anyone. On oversharing, I’ve had people over share with me and then I will hear they are angry at me that I didn’t tell them whatever but instead listened. I didn’t ask for the info in the first place. Has anyone encountered this?
Thank you doctor. Please stay true to your core. I followed a few mental health doctors here on youtube, and they all changed their titles to "life coach." Nothing more pretentious than that! Because these persons when the power goes out can not survive - for real, they know nothing about life, sacrifice, the stars, and i am entirely inimical to mental health profession today. Please stay true to Heart.
Weirdly enough all three hit close home - actually - nah scratch the "close", im homeless now, you exposed me😂 I overshare, feel the shame afterwards, people pull away because obvsly that was way too much. As a result i have to rely on myself and refuse for a while to ask for any help. When i crave connection so much that it pours out like a cracked egg i become needy to compensate for the missed time of connecting with people. And finally to not lose them i overshare😫😖
I do overshare and i’m hyper-independence. My mother is mentally ill so it wasn’t much space for me. I’ve started practice to only listen. And then share. Or i’ve attracted friends who only talk non stop about themselves. My def have the chronic neediness through complaining. It’s exhausting and few want to be around her.
You speak my language.. Here you are describing me exactly.. It seems that we have the same past with the same childhood traumas. And yet it's nice to meet someone who has gone through the same emotions as me and understands me perfectly. And I'm a good psychologist (without education).. I think that only those who have gone through something like this can really understand others 🥹🫶😇.. Thank you for every thing you do for us 🤗😘💐
About 3 or 4 yrs ago I needed to have cabinets moved from the family home to my home. My brother offered to help with his friend. The morning of the move my brother starts bitching about how he'll have to leave his house an hour early. I ended up renting a moving company to move them. Ended up costing me $300. Never asked him for help since then.
Ugh yes! I hate when the opposite happens as well! You help someone in need and they end up complaining about it. I’ve had both happen to me. It’s like dang, people, what do you want?
I think we HAVE to acknowledge how bad the "phones" play into this. Peoples' use of "smart" tech made everything worse -- not wanting to work on or through things, lack of communication or emoting, etc. Pleeeease go into this
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Wow I understand this 100%, I am doing so much work after so many years of avoidance and denial. I didn’t even realize how traumatized I was with the chaos and the trauma and the abandonment as a child. I am seeing three therapist for different things a week and I’m reading everything I could get my hands on. This just popped up on my phone and I’m so happy it did. Thank you very much. That was very clear and concise.❤
I had no nurturing as a child. My mother was a single mother who was too messed up herself to nurture. I was basically 'mom' and was the one who took care of my two younger brothers from grade school on. I am 67 now and I can't believe how hard relationships are for me. God did give me a wonderful husband who has supported me, but in those dark places of internal struggle, i feel so alone and want to escape so often. I also have Lyme disease which has a psychological side which adds to the struggles. And i have been hurt deeply by so many 'friends' through my years that I just am tired and struggle to have the emotional or mental energy I need to maintain relationships. Anyway, I can say, I have been a Christian since I was 23 and though friends and family may fail me and hurt, the Lord is always full of compassion and understanding. That is what ultimately keeps me going. Thanks for this, it helps to see these things defined. I tend to overshare because I'm looking for validation. And when I do that, I fall into beating myself up and lots of self-condemnation. It's difficult and can't be explained to someone who don't have these issues. So again thanks for this information. 🙂↕️
It's hyperindependence for me, occasionally with outbursts of oversharing in a "fun" way. I am working on being the kind person again that I actually am, but I feel that I need someone to make me feel safe first, so I don't need to constantly protect myself. I realize it should have been my father, who should have provided the feeling of safety and security for me, but obviously didn't, so I am trying to find that on my own now.
I can relate a lot to your experience. An absentee father and an emotionally overwhelmed, workaholic mother took a toll on me as a child. My hyper-independence is something I'm trying to work on but it isn't that simple to let someone in when most people have their own agendas and stop caring after they've found someone or something better. The inconsistency in relationships just adds on to my need to self-preserve because when I trust someone, I tend to let go which ends up hurting me even more. I really hope that working on myself will help me find someone worthy in time. Wishing you luck as well! ✨
Today I’m at a 2, I’ve been following your tips. I’m so glad I found you. Once I knew I was emotionally unavailable that first step was hard to feel and hear but made so much sense. Ever since I’ve started changing. But I noticed it’s gonna be a journey but well worth it.
Yeah, all three. My parents come from the Silent Generation that followed the “Grestest Generation” - an impossible act to follow, so they became silent about any stress, pain, or hardships they suffered. They saw it as only right. I’m anxious about work. My older friend over there has PTSD from his bomber being downed, losing all his men, and surviving a POW camp. Before that, he and his fellows were overcoming the Great Depression. What the hell right do I have to complain??? That kind of get-over-it emotionality in my dad AND mom affected me, but I keep seeing it more clearly with each decade. I feel like I’m seeing it clearer but getting worse, not better.
“Avoiding relationships altogether” 😳 that’s me for sure, if I go to a restaurant or something like that and there’s flirty energy, I never go back to that establishment again lol 😅 I’m gonna die alone 😂😂😂
I am hyper independent as I had to deal with everything on my own. I have a friend who is like this too. Every offer of help gets rejected and she has openly told me she's hyper independent. And I get it as it's one of my trauma responses. I don't know what to do other than to let her know that she can ask me for help and if I'm able to I will and if I'm not, it's not a rejection.
I am hyper-independent. When today I try to talk to my mother about my bad experiences with her in my childhood, she not only denies them by pretending they never occurred but also invalidates what I have felt because of her behaviour! It makes me realize that as children who were damaged by our parents, probably trying to heal with them (by talking to them) is perhaps a futile effort. My question to others in this forum is how do you deal with your parents when they deny all that they have done? And all that they have caused you to feel? It's been my ongoing challenge for the past 10 years since I started self-work.
I am definitely hyper independent. My dad has a bad temper and my mom struggled with depression. I felt like I couldn't lean on them like I should of and learned to handle things alone.
we overshared in the beginning, first two weeks, bc it was natural and we both had no fear to share. we didnt judge the other and we opened up. no fear caused bc the other never was aggressor in any way. we communicated a looot and the trust grew so fast... and we have been now over a year and we tell each other EVERYTHING. and it is so great to force oneself to share so openly as we have absolutely no trust issues ever, no obsessive supervision etc...
Yep. Oversharing and Hyperindependence. Severe childhood trauma. Haven't been in a real relationship in 10 years. Feel like it's "too much of a hassle" and I can just do everything myself so why bother. Oversharing by laying it all out there with who I am up front to "weed out" anyone who doesn't want me, wasting my time or theirs. And a part of oversharing is to make me seem more loveable and "look how amazing I am" when I tell you all these things. I am aware of all this and started to ask people for help even though I don't need it. Just to practice. I hate it. Also, I have forced myself to hold back mentioning things about myself and ask the other person more questions. It's hard. I have a need to want people to know all about me. Maybe because I was never seen or recognized while growing up and I raised myself.
❤ it's so 'funny' that someone is playing this beautiful song called 'creep'. Because I've felt a creep all my life (and I'm sure many others can relate) for exactly those emotions that I often could not deny but feeling and had to express them. While being judged for it by others. I always loved it so much , especially as a child, to cry and feel so much. I felt like I was crying for humanity. And now I know it in my heart, it's so sane and safe to feel!!!!❤❤❤
It looks as if you can't be all three. I'm a chronic people pleaser and so instead of oversharing, I overgave or put their needs first, hoping this would win affection. Now I'm putting in boundaries and seeing who likes them or not. I can relate only to number 2. To meet my own needs I end up becoming hyper independent - I get so fed up of over giving.
Here's my take, you will arrive on this planet and exit this planet alone. The goal is to achieve compassionate non-attachment, connection with self, and balance in connection with others. Detoxing from dopamine, meditating to collapse the false self and memories. Those who vibe with you energetically will join you on your journey.
I need help with all of these. Sometimes I over share and I think that comes from holding so much in and trying to deal with everything alone and just feel so flooded and then I flood others. Sometimes even mental health professionals see overwhelmed by the amount of trauma I’ve experienced. But in the same note I feel like I have to be hyper-I dependent, enforced even more as an adult. My strength, resilience, and insight feel like they are weoponized against me as me being able to handle everything alone and not needing support. The chronic neediness only happens when I’m in a crisis and feel completely overwhelmed and don’t know what to do and I’m scared or I’m doing all the things I’m “supposed to do” but it doesn’t feel like it’s making a difference and I’m terrified. I feel too broken for this world because nothing I do no approach is good enough or right and all that happens is pushing others away 😊
I do all three. It is true these behaviors HAVE pushed people away, which makes me want to just stay hyper-independent (who needs em’;) . All the while, I sadly wish I had someone to care and share with. Apparently this is the way I attract toxic people into my life. It is such a vicious cycle. One I want to break. Thanks for the explanation.
I’m NOt comfortable with other people’s emotions or my own and now need to work on that. Never ends and easier to be 6 feet under. It’s a never ending cesspool to climb out of. Best to do on your own as people do let us down and I think it’s a balance from asking For help and doing for yourself. I try to look for the balance try to do it on my own.
Thank You.. sadly, yes I recognize these behaviours in myself tho I'm 55 now & much better at listening & at catching myself 'oversharing' tho I live alone & seem to collect friends who need support themselves. It also seems to be a female mechanism to offer stories of similar experiences in order to show that one understands / empathise/ has been through similar, but that also - tho well intentioned - takes attention away from the other to oneself. The 3rd one, chronic neediness, I keep hidden - I've learned that being 'needy' doesn't get one far, is just painful. I also remember being told, not sure by who, but it stuck with me, that 'those who ask don't get'. And also ' if you don't ask you won't know'. Slightly different applications/ situations, but a lot confusing. And feeling reluctant to ask anyone for help not knowing what obligation or in return is or would be required... 🎉❤
Thank you ❤i really needed that and i did all three😂i always was like ok i acknowledge the persons fault but i never knew what im doing maybe is not that normal😅basically i was neglecting myself and was super focused on others😅thats trauma right there😊.
Thank you so much for this insight…I have the first two. It made me realize my current ex has all three especially the 3rd/the anxiety. (I could not deal with it nor her substance substance abuse.) One of many reasons we did not work out.
I recognize in me the hyper independence,I always want to do things by myself and catch myself thinking if I want a thing done, I should do it. And then the oversharing, as I say tu people more than I want, and sometimes I am not happy about this. It feels like I betray myself,I don y keep anything for me
I have all 3 of those patterns in different ways. I hate feeling sometimes like I’m too needy and codependent, I don’t purposely try to be that way. I have bipolar disorder and there is all this stigma about that that some people have. In a lot of ways I can be very independent but I’m bound to get overwhelmed feeling that I have to do everything myself and usually something happens where I reluctantly have to ask for some help and then I am raked over the coals for daring to ask for some help. It reminds me of the sad story of Oliver Twist, where Oliver is in this lousy orphanage where you wait in line for porridge to eat and you’re supposed to take what you get and be silent. Oliver timidly asks if he can have some more and he is brutally yelled at. My family holds me back and none of them like me, I keep trying to look for a different place to live but I can’t find anything halfway decent that I could afford. I put up with a lot of verbal abuse and meanness and disrespect just to be able to live somewhere and not be homeless. I could become homeless anyway with the ways I am threatened to be kicked out.
Oddly, hyperindependence is often seen as a virtue. "I never had a worry about you." And, "You're so strong".
Yep. When are parents didn’t want to take responsibility, they would tell us this.
Yep, or friends that didn't want to step in to be a real friend and listen. I hate the statement , "You're so strong!" Strong people have breaking points and that needs to be realized.
@@tammyhiatt1804 so true - to people have told me that I am 'so strong' I have told them 'if that's what you think, then you never really KNEW me'
So true.
Our feelings and needs often get overlooked bc we're "superhuman" and "have it all together."
When I asked for help or was having a hard time with something or just sad I got yelled at and guilt tripped and told Im bad and selfish and that other people have it worse than me.
I'm so sorry that u had to hear that. Even if other people had it worse didnt make what u are feeling less real. Whatever you felt and feel matters❤❤
I wish you love and warm hugs ❤❤
Similarly got punished and shamed for having any emotion at all, and it's taken 31 years (and counting) to simply let myself feel all the stuff. We deserve to feel and to take up space and we don't have to do it alone
Exactly! My mother was a Great Depression survivor, then survived polio, so couldn’t compete with that.
Yeah, and the self-imposed guilt trip and shame that you’re old enough that you should’ve gotten over all this long ago gets worse over time, not better. The better you had it as a kid, the less slack you give yourself as an older adult.
Me too...
I'm 78 years old I never saw my habits so clearly explained and defined.
Grateful this was supportive for you.
I took myself to surgery and recovered alone. That’s how hyper independent I am
Omg, same! Nothing like recovering solo while in excruciating pain. Btw, is it awful that I related to all 3 bad habits 😬
I believe you, bec I could do that myself if needed. But it's awful to live like that.
@@klimtscat347 When there is no other situation happening then it is our normal.....
@@apparently_sonam I understand. I just believe it's a sad way of life.
I am learning to receive without feeling I have to give back straight away! Xxx
I've gone from oversharing to shutting down entirely, isolating and now trying to reopen and socialize but obsessing over what is the "normal" amount of sharing or the "normal" amount of interdependence . It is so so hard...I've been told I am hard to get to know, yet I am also an oversharer at times, so I never know what is acceptable. How to navigate this?
Same- it’s like no one gave me the manual on how to function in society; and I’m still trying to crack the code
@@Diane_McDonYES!!! Where’s the fricking manual?!? And why did EVERYONE ELSE get a copy of it?!?!
I think it’s great that you’re making progress - I can 100% relate to obsessing over what you’ve shared/ not shared - it’s a never-ending nightmare and I hope you can peace. ❤
I can relate. Usually I just try to keep the focus on them. Then I’m told I “keep to myself”.
@@Croneposse429 exactly, it makes it so difficult and then I feel my energy is off becauae I'm in my head wondering should I say more, was that too closed of an answer, should I ask them more questions or is that going to feel like an interrogation.
I undershare because I have learned the hard way what happens when you open your life up too much to jealous people.
Oh my gosh so very true. I can't believe how people get jealous and turn on you. Some even spread made up rumors. I'm trying to heal
Also oversharing, especially in the beginning of a relationship, might cause the other person to misunderstand you because some of the things you share like your choices or how you handled certain situations will not make sense to them unless they have already spent a good amount of time with you and know you on a deeper level
I’ve done this-
@@Diane_McDon You are aware of that now which is a big step.
@@BreeTime you make a great point Ty . 🙏I’m working on revealing parts of myself organically.
@@Diane_McDon Having courage to look within and doing the work for self growth is a very rewarding process even if it seems hard in the beginning… I have started sharing videos related to emotional and physical wellbeing with holistic approach and if you’d like to check them out, they are on my channel.
I do this too. I want to change this.
They always acted like I was a burden when I needed help… with homework, with my children, with life
I used to have all 3 behaviours. Managed to unlearn chronic neediness, learning how to self-regulate was a true miracle for me. I'm currently working on the oversharing, and it's gotten much better. Only the hyper-independence is still a huge issue...
Celebrating you unlearning these patterns! Thank you for sharing with me.
Few years ago and i would hv identified with all of them
But today I can proudly say that I overcame all of this to the extent that my current version doesnt resonate with it at all. I'm so happy and proud of myself. 🥺🥺❤❤
You got this guys. Prioritize your healing. Prioritize reparenting and soothing your inner child. There's nothing more happier than realizing that you broke the pattern you were stuck in and had a majestic breakthrough 🥺🥺❤
I am rooting for all of you. Love and tight hugs❤❤
Celebrating you overcoming all of this! Really appreciate you sharing with me.
How you overcome it btw
Wow I'm so happy to read you got out of this!! ❤ So inspiring
Thanks for saying it's possible 🥹
You have such a sweet way of explaining . I feel safe when you I listen to you ,a very warm aura
Thank you!
#1 and #2 for sure with me. I've become so hyper-independent that #3 is never an issue for me. I prefer to be in my own bubble, not relying on anyone bc most people can't or won't give me what I need.
I'm dealing with irritation at people who control, invalidate and dismiss.
Oh yes. Since we could not talk to our parents, my friends and I talked to each other-with alcohol
Been there done that. We talked 4 houuuurs and hours.
That's where we created our bonds !
Lack of boundaries 😔
I think these aren't always developed in childhood, because sometimes things happen in adulthood that affect your mental health and then these things can come up when you're depleted.
I agree. I’m traumatized by my adulthood..stop trying to make me pin my current struggles on my childhood.
Im sat alone in my room with my long term partner downstairs. He didn’t hear me when I really needed him to pay attention. He was on his phone receiving sound through his hearing aids so I didn’t even know he was ‘missing’
I go crazy when ignored and withdraw to comfort myself. Your chat sums me up!!!
Sometimes, misunderstandings, lack of openness, or not listening well can cause disconnection. People may feel ignored, misunderstood, or undervalued.
Oversharing and hyper independence over here 😊
when I concentrate on stopping myself from oversharing and letting others talk then it feels like I'm blocking my mind from doing anything..
I feel exactly the same way
One thing ive learnt over time understanding complex trauma and these bad habits ive adopted to survive is that even though ive had the strongest urge to want to get over these things as fast as possible, but then it would leave me burnt out and desperate. So ive leanrt to be compassionate and loving to myself when i am in the midst of this stuff, now knowing and understanding thst it will take time to unravel these survival behaviors and in knowing tharlt while im compassionate and kind to myself makes it better.
Thank God, we have Dr. LePera in our world 💚
Thank you for your kind words.
Asking for any kind of help wasn't something that I, the eldest parentified, wanted to do. I was so sheltered as it was. The only social interactions came from the youth church group (a group I had fun with) because I was always grounded from not being able to pass math classes. That lack of socialization has led me to be an oversharer in order to find common ground. Being hyperindependent + oversharer = boyfriends that I would hid behind and attach his identity to mine due to my lack of social/friend making skills. I wish I would have learned this a while back. It has only been within the last 8 months that I have been able to deconstruct and find the root causes.
Full house! It's reaffirming and thankyou I'm not going crazy there's a logic to my behavior. This healing hurts big hugs to everyone here on this self compassion journey ❤ slowly getting my resilience to connect
These videos literally save people’s lives!!!
I always used to think, that by sharing more(oversharing), I am showing them that I trust them and I was equally open for them to share, some of them did share and I am a good listener, so I didn't push anyone in the end, but I always felt that people in general didn't like me oversharing and some bad ones actually took advantage of it too.
Don’t be too independent but also don’t be too needy… got it…
So easy isn't it lol?
Dont give too much but dont give too little.
Be mysterious but authentic.
Swim but also float and fly.
Now that you have become enlightened you will never form a connection with another human ever again.
😂😂😂
This was my thought exactly.
It's not about trying to be any one way. It's when you have trauma running the show you do these things and when you start healing the trauma these extreme behaviors fall aways into more healthy ones. Anytime we are trying to be something or another then we on on the wrong track.
I’m 57 and I struggle with this as well. I work on relationship dynamics as they come up in therapy and it is so helpful. I ask for grace for myself when I feel like I am oversharing. We are not perfect. To be alive is to be Aware. Stay committed to healing yourself. Never stop being you. I 🙏🏾we will ALL find our way to HEALING ourselves and others ❤
When I was a teenager I told my Mum I didn't want to be here anymore and she told me"don't you EVER say anything like that to me again"
I’m sorry your Mum said that to you. She should have listened and been kind to you.
OMG... I told that in my school... They called my mum... All she remembers is that I asshamed her.
Wow , sounds like she was very quickly make it about HER...no attempt to even hear you out ( just like my mom)
On one hand you can see it as somebody who hasn’t gone through feeling like that, thinking that saying it means that they care about you so much and the only thing they can say to you that can tell you how much they dont want you to leave like that, is to tell you outright they never want to hear you say that again. On the other hand other hand that’s a very horrible way to express that feeling.
@@bitsnthings if someone came to me with pain in their heart ( anyone) the last thing I would say not to ever say anything like that to me again - unless I was a total egocentric egomaniac
I remember in elementary school being SUPER consciously aware of not crying in front of other kids to not appear "weak" in front of them, that's how hyper independent I was
Yea I can’t cry in front of anyone.
Ahh, yes. I still do it. My husband died, and no one saw me cry, but I was, and sometimes still am 10 years later, a complete mess over it. Look weak? Absolutely not...
All friends who overshares or chronic neediness aren’t my friends anymore. When I was friends with these two type of people my position was the listener, a therapist giving counselling and attempting to fix, validating and uplifting their self esteem. When I would cease there’s now an issue because I stop be a therapist. Over time, I stop hanging out with these two type of people. I am hyper independence so.
I’m a chronic listener and therapist to my friends, partners, coworkers and f they don’t reciprocate. This was my role to my mentally ill mother from early childhood, but I don’t understand how to fix this or how to attract people that show an interest in me. I’m 46 and rarely get my emotional needs met. I wish I knew how to change this.
The thing is - people who over share don't usually want advice, nor are they more in need of comfort and "therapy" than others. It is how they try to deepen a relationship. The hope and expectation is "if I open up, they will open up, too, and we will be really close". So they feel pushed back by advice.
@@LettersFromAFriendagreed
@@LettersFromAFriend YES! As a neurodiverse/neurocomplex person and also a survivor of childhood trauma and abuse, I have been thinking about how I have been in the practice of oversharing much of my life, and how my intention has been to open up to others to express they're safe if they choose to be vulnerable and open up with me - something I did not experience in childhood. I've come to learn this is also info-dumping, one of the love languages of non-neurotypical people. I am beginning to realize how my oversharing comes across, and it's pushed far more people away than brought them closer and I have felt puzzled when people offer advice and so naturally I'd push back. This is all eye-opening.
I can relate!
Thank you, Nicole, for your brilliant break-down of childhood trauma "leftovers!" Blessings to us all as we transcend past yuckiness! Love you!
Thank you for explaining this. I am definitely hyper-independent.
All these behaviors seem to arise from a lack of trust that we will get our needs met (makes sense when they weren't met, or were the objects of shame) AND perpetuate the cycle of unmet needs by pushing people away. Absolutely essential, and much easier said than done, to create corrective emotional experiences where our nervous systems learn that we are indeed safe and we can and will get our needs met, DESPITE the activation and discomfort.
Beautifully said.
Thanks for this. I can overshare and be needy.
This is a catch 22. Other people overshare and then criticize you for being hyper-independent even tho that’s how you were raised. And when you finally do need their help, they blame you for chronic neediness. You literally can’t win, and that’s why they call it co-dependent. Even the name is victim blaming.
Yes! Seen that happen a lot. People oversharing something and they get comforted. Then when you share something, you get reprimanded. I think it’s people showing favoritism to certain needs. It’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation. It’s confusing.
I hope you will have the humility to question your message about over sharing when it comes to the highly traumatized; it’s so so subjective, especially when considering high levels of complex trauma many have had. I believe your message is similar to asking individuals with autism to mask more, mask better- ask a friend what the right thought or feeling is. I used to teach kids with autism in that way and wish I could undo it. What if we just…accepted people?
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change,” Carl Rogers
Hyper-independent 💯
My dad was a great man. I hold no resentment against him, but unfortunately he was abusive in a relatively small way that’s had a large impact. I was often told to shut-up or yelled at if I continued speaking, most of what I’d say would appear to him as if I was being a smart-arse or just complaining, being a sook (there was a specific more profane word he’d use for this but it bears no repeating here). I could not question a decision made, even in my teens without being yelled at if he did not want to negotiate with me. This is probably extremely common.
Maybe it’s why I have trouble being assertive or speaking in groups these days. There’s that ingrained fear of being shouted at or ostracised. I honestly do not blame him though, people are not perfect and he was under a lot of stress and he worked extremely hard. He was a beautiful person in a lot of ways too, one of the realest people out there and many of his friends and colleagues have attested to that. This particular issue I had with him is by no means the sole reason I’ve struggled like I have, just one of them.
He died when I was 16 in a motorbike accident and now I’m 31, I’ve missed out on having him here and I’m sure we could have resolved the communication issues and I could speak man to man with him now, but unfortunately I will not get the chance to do that. I do forgive him 100%. I’m glad I had him as a father.
Excuse the long-windedness, this is a prime example of over sharing. In real life though I’m often the exact opposite.
Your channel has opened my eyes to the understanding I am not alone in feeling like this. Freeze has been my mode for about 3 years now. Lethargic and unmotivated but 110% overwhelmed.
Nicole i’m still working on these and the oversharing is especially difficult for all who are autistic to change because of the differing way our brain functions. Like i don’t how much to share,what to share and when so often times i can go not sharing anything much and distancing myself. Also i may interpret the other persons silence or delayed response to mean they are ok/ comfortable with the oversharing because they haven’t directly communicated otherwise. It has happened to me too that i have easily misinterpret the depth of the relationship when someone has been kind and friendly to me. The different brain wiring makes it’s so much harder.
Thank you so much, Dr. Nicole. I’m 27 years old and finally starting to understand my chronic neediness and lack of boundaries that have pushed both romantic partners and friends away. It is an isolating feeling when it seems like no one is left, but these videos give a great place to start.
My dad always said “use your head for more than a hat rack” or “figure it out!” I NEVER ask for help. If I have no other choice than to ask for help, I become angry and defensive. I feel incompetent all the time. I don’t do things I’m not SURE I can do.
I have moved to the other side of the country to see if I could find my tribe, I’m too needy and scared to even try to connect with others. That puts my husband in a place of my only human interaction. That’s when my neediness shows up.
Is there any way out of this? I feel like I’m just waiting around to die. I simply exist and am so lonely.
Another one for me I accidentally hurt people with is ... I guess I'd describe it as hyper passiveness?
Someone once handed me a cake, said "Here, this is for you!" and I just didn't even try to eat it. Because my inner monologue in that instance immediately rattled "Is this REALLY for me? May I have misunderstood them? Was there a sarcastic tone in their voice that might have meant it wasn't actually for me? Better not risk it." And then I just left it untouched at the table.
For the longest time I had no idea why I was this way and why every social interaction felt like being part of a stage play I never read the script for.
Until I watched my mom play with my 1,5 year old daughter. There was absolutely no consistency in what she said or how she said it.
A "No" in any tone could mean anything with her.
The exact same cheerful, giddy, daring screeching "Nooo, don't you do that now!" could mean "Absolutely do that now, I'll have the funniest, most dramatic reaction every single time!" or it could mean "Don't actually do it, I just want to still be funny while trying to keep you from touching the electrical sockets" or it could mean "Absolutely do it for six times, but if you jump on the couch for the seventh time I'll get overwhelmed and suddenly really agitated".
We since stopped her from doing the "No means 'yes absolutely do it, this is fun'" games, which were about 90% of her games, and it had a huge positive impact on our kid's behavior.
But now I've noticed that most of her other games are modelling socially off behavior, like toppling over other people's Lego Towers, ridiculing stuffed animals or even our daughter for hurting themselves and generally overfocusing on mistakes anyone makes, throwing toys at people, ripping hair out of her rocking horse and wrapping them around her neck as a "scarf"... All those things are fun games with grandma.
I try to not hold it against my mom too much because I feel like doing literally anything to make children laugh is some sort of escapism for her and in no way ill intentoned, but god damn did those games screw with my perception of what was acceptable and what not.
I remember times when I playfully told another child how clumsy they were for stumbling and then be utterly confused why I was being scolded for it by my mom even though she was the one to teach me that making fun of others was lighthearted fun.
At one point I just shut down because I had no concept of right or wrong.
Now I make sure to always be within earshot whenever she's coming down for playtime, and intervene as soon as the games take a questionable turn.
In the process of recovering from childhood and young adult trauma I have learned that there are some people who are very attracted to oversharers and really enable them to keep this process going bc they love the idea of fixing broken people. However, they will rarely share anything about themselves and keep everything tucked in tight about their own lives even when asked. I would encourage those recovering from these oversharing behaviors to be mindful of these types of people. They seem like friends at first and I do think they are well meaning in their own minds but they are suffering from their own issues and need you to need them and then when you don't anymore bc you're healing they will drop you or complain that you always are talking about yourself.
I would say that all three apply in my case. As others have said you lay it out so clearly. Thank you Nicole.
I am somewhat hyper-independent because people seem to disappear when I need them. Somewhere in my childhood I got the message from society in general (at least those around me) that we shouldn’t need anyone.
On oversharing, I’ve had people over share with me and then I will hear they are angry at me that I didn’t tell them whatever but instead listened. I didn’t ask for the info in the first place. Has anyone encountered this?
Thank you doctor.
Please stay true to your core. I followed a few mental health doctors here on youtube, and they all changed their titles to "life coach." Nothing more pretentious than that! Because these persons when the power goes out can not survive - for real, they know nothing about life, sacrifice, the stars, and i am entirely inimical to mental health profession today. Please stay true to Heart.
Weirdly enough all three hit close home - actually - nah scratch the "close", im homeless now, you exposed me😂 I overshare, feel the shame afterwards, people pull away because obvsly that was way too much. As a result i have to rely on myself and refuse for a while to ask for any help. When i crave connection so much that it pours out like a cracked egg i become needy to compensate for the missed time of connecting with people. And finally to not lose them i overshare😫😖
After listening to this, I realized I can’t remember my mom asking me how I felt about anything….
I do overshare and i’m hyper-independence.
My mother is mentally ill so it wasn’t much space for me.
I’ve started practice to only listen. And then share.
Or i’ve attracted friends who only talk non stop about themselves.
My def have the chronic neediness through complaining. It’s exhausting and few want to be around her.
@ ThereseDavidson I'm right there with you
There is many more. Always have to have it the way you say or want without considering others, dominance on others, assert violence and more.
Thank for all you do for us‼️
Asking for help costs too much. I never ask for anything unless I absolutely have to
0:00 3 Behaviors that push people away
1:06 Oversharing
4:17 Hyper-independence
7:21 Chronic neediness
9:25 Do you recognize these signs in yourself?
You speak my language.. Here you are describing me exactly.. It seems that we have the same past with the same childhood traumas. And yet it's nice to meet someone who has gone through the same emotions as me and understands me perfectly. And I'm a good psychologist (without education).. I think that only those who have gone through something like this can really understand others 🥹🫶😇.. Thank you for every thing you do for us 🤗😘💐
About 3 or 4 yrs ago I needed to have cabinets moved from the family home to my home. My brother offered to help with his friend. The morning of the move my brother starts bitching about how he'll have to leave his house an hour early. I ended up renting a moving company to move them. Ended up costing me $300. Never asked him for help since then.
That's the worst. I really hate when people offer help and then bitch about it. It certainly makes me not want to ask for help from them anymore.
Ugh yes! I hate when the opposite happens as well! You help someone in need and they end up complaining about it. I’ve had both happen to me. It’s like dang, people, what do you want?
I think we HAVE to acknowledge how bad the "phones" play into this. Peoples' use of "smart" tech made everything worse -- not wanting to work on or through things, lack of communication or emoting, etc. Pleeeease go into this
Great teaching thank you for sharing, I really had so many difficulties In life I was homeless. But my family are happy once again and I can now afford anything for my family even with my Retirement after so much struggles.
Hello how??
I'm a born Christian and sometimes I feel so down of myself because of low finance but I still believe in God.
Yeah!!!
I started with Maira Angelina Alexander in 2021 and now my life is good some thing to write home about!!!! I thank God the most He alone made it possible for the opportunity to come my way 🤲🤲🤲🤲
I would really like to know how this actually works.
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Wow I understand this 100%, I am doing so much work after so many years of avoidance and denial. I didn’t even realize how traumatized I was with the chaos and the trauma and the abandonment as a child. I am seeing three therapist for different things a week and I’m reading everything I could get my hands on. This just popped up on my phone and I’m so happy it did. Thank you very much. That was very clear and concise.❤
I had no nurturing as a child. My mother was a single mother who was too messed up herself to nurture. I was basically 'mom' and was the one who took care of my two younger brothers from grade school on. I am 67 now and I can't believe how hard relationships are for me. God did give me a wonderful husband who has supported me, but in those dark places of internal struggle, i feel so alone and want to escape so often.
I also have Lyme disease which has a psychological side which adds to the struggles.
And i have been hurt deeply by so many 'friends' through my years that I just am tired and struggle to have the emotional or mental energy I need to maintain relationships.
Anyway, I can say, I have been a Christian since I was 23 and though friends and family may fail me and hurt, the Lord is always full of compassion and understanding. That is what ultimately keeps me going. Thanks for this, it helps to see these things defined.
I tend to overshare because I'm looking for validation. And when I do that, I fall into beating myself up and lots of self-condemnation.
It's difficult and can't be explained to someone who don't have these issues.
So again thanks for this information. 🙂↕️
Ugh yes, the chronic neediness
My mom nags and complains so much-I told her she’s not a pleasant person to be around!
It's hyperindependence for me, occasionally with outbursts of oversharing in a "fun" way. I am working on being the kind person again that I actually am, but I feel that I need someone to make me feel safe first, so I don't need to constantly protect myself. I realize it should have been my father, who should have provided the feeling of safety and security for me, but obviously didn't, so I am trying to find that on my own now.
I can relate a lot to your experience. An absentee father and an emotionally overwhelmed, workaholic mother took a toll on me as a child. My hyper-independence is something I'm trying to work on but it isn't that simple to let someone in when most people have their own agendas and stop caring after they've found someone or something better. The inconsistency in relationships just adds on to my need to self-preserve because when I trust someone, I tend to let go which ends up hurting me even more. I really hope that working on myself will help me find someone worthy in time. Wishing you luck as well! ✨
Today I’m at a 2, I’ve been following your tips. I’m so glad I found you. Once I knew I was emotionally unavailable that first step was hard to feel and hear but made so much sense. Ever since I’ve started changing. But I noticed it’s gonna be a journey but well worth it.
Yeah, all three. My parents come from the Silent Generation that followed the “Grestest Generation” - an impossible act to follow, so they became silent about any stress, pain, or hardships they suffered. They saw it as only right. I’m anxious about work. My older friend over there has PTSD from his bomber being downed, losing all his men, and surviving a POW camp. Before that, he and his fellows were overcoming the Great Depression. What the hell right do I have to complain??? That kind of get-over-it emotionality in my dad AND mom affected me, but I keep seeing it more clearly with each decade. I feel like I’m seeing it clearer but getting worse, not better.
“Avoiding relationships altogether” 😳 that’s me for sure, if I go to a restaurant or something like that and there’s flirty energy, I never go back to that establishment again lol 😅 I’m gonna die alone 😂😂😂
I am hyper independent as I had to deal with everything on my own. I have a friend who is like this too. Every offer of help gets rejected and she has openly told me she's hyper independent. And I get it as it's one of my trauma responses. I don't know what to do other than to let her know that she can ask me for help and if I'm able to I will and if I'm not, it's not a rejection.
I am hyper-independent. When today I try to talk to my mother about my bad experiences with her in my childhood, she not only denies them by pretending they never occurred but also invalidates what I have felt because of her behaviour! It makes me realize that as children who were damaged by our parents, probably trying to heal with them (by talking to them) is perhaps a futile effort. My question to others in this forum is how do you deal with your parents when they deny all that they have done? And all that they have caused you to feel? It's been my ongoing challenge for the past 10 years since I started self-work.
I am definitely hyper independent. My dad has a bad temper and my mom struggled with depression. I felt like I couldn't lean on them like I should of and learned to handle things alone.
we overshared in the beginning, first two weeks, bc it was natural and we both had no fear to share. we didnt judge the other and we opened up. no fear caused bc the other never was aggressor in any way. we communicated a looot and the trust grew so fast... and we have been now over a year and we tell each other EVERYTHING. and it is so great to force oneself to share so openly as we have absolutely no trust issues ever, no obsessive supervision etc...
None of these behaviors really manifested until after I had a kid late in life. I don't understand how it triggered so much childhood trauma.
Yep. Oversharing and Hyperindependence. Severe childhood trauma. Haven't been in a real relationship in 10 years. Feel like it's "too much of a hassle" and I can just do everything myself so why bother. Oversharing by laying it all out there with who I am up front to "weed out" anyone who doesn't want me, wasting my time or theirs. And a part of oversharing is to make me seem more loveable and "look how amazing I am" when I tell you all these things. I am aware of all this and started to ask people for help even though I don't need it. Just to practice. I hate it. Also, I have forced myself to hold back mentioning things about myself and ask the other person more questions. It's hard. I have a need to want people to know all about me. Maybe because I was never seen or recognized while growing up and I raised myself.
❤ it's so 'funny' that someone is playing this beautiful song called 'creep'. Because I've felt a creep all my life (and I'm sure many others can relate) for exactly those emotions that I often could not deny but feeling and had to express them. While being judged for it by others. I always loved it so much , especially as a child, to cry and feel so much. I felt like I was crying for humanity. And now I know it in my heart, it's so sane and safe to feel!!!!❤❤❤
What you teach and share is so helpful. Thank you.
It looks as if you can't be all three. I'm a chronic people pleaser and so instead of oversharing, I overgave or put their needs first, hoping this would win affection. Now I'm putting in boundaries and seeing who likes them or not. I can relate only to number 2. To meet my own needs I end up becoming hyper independent - I get so fed up of over giving.
Bless you ❤ I so needed this right now. The work you do is so important and thank you 🙏🏼
I recognise no. 1&3 in myself now. No. 2 used to be true too but over time it has changed into no. 3....
Here's my take, you will arrive on this planet and exit this planet alone. The goal is to achieve compassionate non-attachment, connection with self, and balance in connection with others. Detoxing from dopamine, meditating to collapse the false self and memories. Those who vibe with you energetically will join you on your journey.
Thank you so much for what you do here🙏🍀🫶🏼✨❤️💯
Mine is over sharing and then swinging between hyper independence and chronic neediness.
Oversharing and ceonic neediness are definitely things that i am struggling with
Brilliant video. So clear. Thank you ❤
I need help with all of these. Sometimes I over share and I think that comes from holding so much in and trying to deal with everything alone and just feel so flooded and then I flood others. Sometimes even mental health professionals see overwhelmed by the amount of trauma I’ve experienced. But in the same note I feel like I have to be hyper-I dependent, enforced even more as an adult. My strength, resilience, and insight feel like they are weoponized against me as me being able to handle everything alone and not needing support. The chronic neediness only happens when I’m in a crisis and feel completely overwhelmed and don’t know what to do and I’m scared or I’m doing all the things I’m “supposed to do” but it doesn’t feel like it’s making a difference and I’m terrified.
I feel too broken for this world because nothing I do no approach is good enough or right and all that happens is pushing others away 😊
I do all three. It is true these behaviors HAVE pushed people away, which makes me want to just stay hyper-independent (who needs em’;) . All the while, I sadly wish I had someone to care and share with. Apparently this is the way I attract toxic people into my life. It is such a vicious cycle. One I want to break. Thanks for the explanation.
...still hyper independent.😢
Afraid of "being needy" & notice an automatic resentment when i see people getting help. Im ashamed of it.😢
I dont put myself in anyone elses hands. I take care of myself. As a person with ADHD I struggle with over and under sharing.
Thank you
Thank you for your help, Dr. LePera.
Hi Dr. Nicole, I've recognised all three, Please share more on navigating through them, changing these habits..Great content thank you 🙏💕
I used to be ridiculed and blamed whenever i was in need in childhood. I can see where my hyper independence came from
Yes yes yes, hard truths at the end....relatable re: self soothing. Thank you
I’m NOt comfortable with other people’s emotions or my own and now need to work on that. Never ends and easier to be 6 feet under. It’s a never ending cesspool to climb out of. Best to do on your own as people do let us down and I think it’s a balance from asking
For help and doing for yourself. I try to look for the balance try to do it on my own.
Thank You.. sadly, yes I recognize these behaviours in myself tho I'm 55 now & much better at listening & at catching myself 'oversharing' tho I live alone & seem to collect friends who need support themselves. It also seems to be a female mechanism to offer stories of similar experiences in order to show that one understands / empathise/ has been through similar, but that also - tho well intentioned - takes attention away from the other to oneself. The 3rd one, chronic neediness, I keep hidden - I've learned that being 'needy' doesn't get one far, is just painful. I also remember being told, not sure by who, but it stuck with me, that 'those who ask don't get'. And also ' if you don't ask you won't know'. Slightly different applications/ situations, but a lot confusing. And feeling reluctant to ask anyone for help not knowing what obligation or in return is or would be required... 🎉❤
Thank you ❤i really needed that and i did all three😂i always was like ok i acknowledge the persons fault but i never knew what im doing maybe is not that normal😅basically i was neglecting myself and was super focused on others😅thats trauma right there😊.
Thank you so much for this insight…I have the first two. It made me realize my current ex has all three especially the 3rd/the anxiety. (I could not deal with it nor her substance substance abuse.) One of many reasons we did not work out.
Hyper independence for everything. I see others as heavy weights.
I recognize in me the hyper independence,I always want to do things by myself and catch myself thinking if I want a thing done, I should do it.
And then the oversharing, as I say tu people more than I want, and sometimes I am not happy about this. It feels like I betray myself,I don y keep anything for me
sometimes the hyper-independence of a partner can create a chronic neediness in the other that wasn't there before
Another good explanation. I need this type of teaching.
I have all 3 of those patterns in different ways. I hate feeling sometimes like I’m too needy and codependent, I don’t purposely try to be that way. I have bipolar disorder and there is all this stigma about that that some people have. In a lot of ways I can be very independent but I’m bound to get overwhelmed feeling that I have to do everything myself and usually something happens where I reluctantly have to ask for some help and then I am raked over the coals for daring to ask for some help. It reminds me of the sad story of Oliver Twist, where Oliver is in this lousy orphanage where you wait in line for porridge to eat and you’re supposed to take what you get and be silent. Oliver timidly asks if he can have some more and he is brutally yelled at. My family holds me back and none of them like me, I keep trying to look for a different place to live but I can’t find anything halfway decent that I could afford. I put up with a lot of verbal abuse and meanness and disrespect just to be able to live somewhere and not be homeless. I could become homeless anyway with the ways I am threatened to be kicked out.
I had all of them once....Now i see them in others....and this is true It's so hard to be around them❤h