When narcissists use positivity to control you
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- Опубліковано 19 чер 2024
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
“You just need to forgive” “you just need to stop living in the past” (but the abuse is current event) 🙄
That's how they keep their false self'! No introspection and make you the problem. It feels horrible! 🤗👋✌️ just a quick edit. They don't believe in 'mental health', they see it as weakness and use it to pathologize the sufferer. They don't introspect and see no point in looking at things that have affected them in the past. It's bolsters their false self so there isn't anything wrong with them so it has to be all you! Only a few weeks ago one of mine insinuated I was mad! Oh am but not in the crazy sense!
Yes !! I was told the same thing
this one really gets to me cos it's like "we wouldn't be living in the past if they would be accountable for their own actions".
I’ve said this as the victim, too... When they’ve deflected to some past offence that they feel justified for bringing to the current fight to turn it back on me.
This is why I’ve spent weeks researching wondering if I’m actually the narc!
Yes. my ex's favorite line "You need to let the past go"
"Why can't we just be happy?!" said the narcissist that caused the turmoil.......
Because THEY'RE HAPPY, as long as YOU GO ALONG with their agenda!!!
My ex is always saying that to me. Why can't we just be happy, why can't you just stop doing this and we'll be happy..
"I just want things to go back the way they were", said the narcissist referring to the triangle she thought she'd successfully lured me into, which I resisted.
Lmao I think we should go and abuse them the same way and tell them "Why can't we just be happy?" but I have conscience and remorse isn't a fun feeling so I get why we don't do that.
Yes!
Yes! Gaslighting with a positive spin. The hurt one is told they "need to move on", "not focus on the negative", "get over it", and "focus on the positive." Such a wolf in disguise.
Omg I think that’s why in my profession …when I go to conventions and seminars and they start going into the positivity shit…I get upset..🤷♀️
Right?! My narcissistic dad is always saying crap like that, and ironically, he actually holds grudges more than anyone I know. It’s okay for him to keep a long stupid petty list of anything anybody’s ever done wrong and bring it up at any time, but if we bring up something he did like an hour ago, it’s “you need to move on. That’s in the past. Learn to forgive.” 🙄
I’ve been told I “don’t know when to drop it”. Because he’s never acknowledged anything of course I “don’t know when to leave it alone”. 😂😂😂🤢🤮
@Jen my narc mother would say "I'm not yelling at you but..." and she covertly expects me to do things her way or the highway.
@@sweetielady7710 my dad does the same as yours does.
“Normal human beings have a range of emotions.”
Wow. So simple, so true.
In a family the only one allowed to express negative feelings is... the narcissist. So true.
What’s the matter with you, there’s nothing negative about the world or life.
"DON'T BE SO DRAMATIC". That's one of my mom's great saying's.
** I wish just EVERYONE would learn how to be a realist. **
Oh my gosh! I learned as a teen that the ONLY acceptable demeanor I was allowed was serene compliance, kind of how you expect really good butlers or maids to act.
TRUTH
"Narcissistic people like to set the emotional thermostat in the room." TRUTH
I literally paused the video at that point and thought, "SO MANY PEOPLE LIKE THIS!" and my fucking mind started reeling with names of people i know!
@@ChannelZero1031 Yeah...The thing is to take the realisation as another life lesson And keep it at that level. Use the energy You felt of that realisation Moment As extra strength for You and thrive from it. Blessings. X
Its all about OUR
INDIVIDUAL TRUTH
Separate from theirs & often they Hate that...
As they are not manipulating our reality into theirs. = we have our OWN Separate lives. They want to enmeshed with us & create a shared identity.. when we go it alone & Separate they don't like it
Adt child thriver of Narc abuse from mother & many others
Myself as well just about stop the video when she said that the narc likes to set the emotional thermostat. And how hes always calling me down says I am a dark cloud.when I wanted to talk about a hard day at work I was not allowed, any thing in my life did not matter, especially the dad or up setting stuff he would not listen nor was I allowed to talk about it.
Emotional thermostat. Couldn’t have said it better.
Learning about narcissists is more scary than any horror media. I am literally afraid to ever have to deal with humans like this.
Same. Although I’m pretty sure my dad was a narc… the silver lining is that my gut instinct rings the alarm and I cut things off IMMEDIATELY so I don’t become entangled. But my heart goes out to all of these ppl in decades-long marriages with these beasts. Jeez. 😳
I have and it certainly isn't a good time
You are right to have fear. These entities have characteristics that you can learn to avoid them. Protect yourself. This channel among others can help you learn.
Having to deal with people like this is even scarier. My mother is the narcissistic one in my life and it is so lonely sometimes. I feel like she stole my past and my future from me.
@@nihalnihal9356 Wow that’s so sad😔
Can you find a way to create a physical distance??
My narcissist mother: “there’s no depression existing in the world. You just need to go out more often and exercise like I do. “ Then she starts to talk about the misery that happened 40 years ago.
My mother for years cannot grasp what she and my father did during our childhoods and that it would affect any of us now for the long-term, even when I was as young as 30 (so ten years ago), but she'd be so moved by what her father did to her family that she'd have totally inappropriate digressions about it 30 years after he died (he died when I was an infant) and well over 40 years from when she was describing whatever that happened. It's always something to get over and walk off when they had any role in the bad stuff, but if it's something they're enduring, we definitely have to listen and validate.
Oh my god...to me when I was a teenager, depressed all the time because my mom screamed at me constantly: "You're not depressed. You're just lazy. If you got up and did something around the house, you wouldn't be feeling this way."
Lmfao.... The doesn't make her a narc...but she sounds odd lol
@@G123. that's very true, my mom's back story and my father's are both very bad but that legitimises in her mind that mine was somehow perfect because I got good stuff. That's true I did but in fact getting the good stuff alternating with physical mental and emotional abuse/neglect isn't compensatory. I don't want to be raged at then get a gift! Some of the gifts are large but it doesnt compensate for loosing your whole life. Trying to work this out I've been called bad difficult ungrateful mentally ill and on and on. I didn't pursue my dreams I don't know who I am and now I live with men health and physical illness. I'm so grateful for this channel and comments else I would have gone crazy by now wish I'd known 40 years ago ✌
@@somebodypiano6191 oh yeah, the get out do something mantra! Yup
The fact that I had to go rock-bottom just to learn that narcissist even exist shows how badly we need awareness of these kinds of people
What took [us empaths] so long to finally have the awakening, the epiphany?
@@elcee7800 I was mature enough to take responsibility for my own feelings . I allowed enablers to decide how I feel ...it was such ingrained habit that it took me loosing everything just to learn that kind of thinking won’t get me anywhere . Then that mindset open new doors which led me here
@@kevinsanmateo4781: Thanks Kevin. I didn’t want you to think my question was putting you yourself on the spot so I revised my question more broadly. Thanks for reply.
@@kevinsanmateo4781 : ….one more thing, can you tell me what an enabler is. Thanks.
Yes lord so true 👍🏾
Anyone feel like Dr. Ramani should just go ahead and bill their health insurance? Just me? This woman has provided me with more help and insight into my toxic abusive relationship with the narc than actual shrink.
Earlier this year, right after I walked away from a toxic relationship, my therapist told me there was a channel on UA-cam I should check out. As soon as she said her name, I was like “Dr Ramani? I started watching her a week ago!” 🤣
@@bitchenboutique6953 Hahaha no kidding?! That's awesome.
More gelo & insight than any therapist I’ve tried (or we had tried) - yes! This woman had really helped me to move through and beyond
I agree!!
Absolutely
I'm crying while watching this, I thought I was crazy, the more I watch these videos the more I see that nothing is wrong with me.
God has gifted Dr. Ramani with the rare ability to explain complicated human disorders in the most understandable terms. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for using your gift to help people like me heal. You don't have to say it, let us brag on you... YOU are one of God's gifts to mankind :)
Alhamdulillah
So well worded and agree with this sentiment 1000% !!!
Dr.Ramini is the absolute best !!!
This explains why the narc loves empaths. They are jealous of the natural joy and compassion that empaths have and they will milk you dry of happiness if you stay around them too long. Run!🌷
Woow true!
and narcs today are becoming more stealthy.
Oh! So true! You need to have good boundaries. Forgive, love them, do for them, but keep a healthy distance because the hurt, drains you.
It makes me wonder if they truly believe that THEY can get what WE have through some sort of cosmic osmosis.
@@shertope6335 NARCISSIST ☹😧😭 Having a GOOD HEART 🙂☺❤️
Wow quote: "Narcissists like to set the emotional thermostat."
Yesss. Agreed. I wrote it down, it resonated so much to me and was so clear. Thank you Dr. Ramani!
I’m not a big cryer, but when she said that, it was such a cathartic and healing moment. 8 years of my so called Narc “friend” behaving horrendously, doing so much manipulation of mine (and other people’s) feelings that I realized the only thing I’d be able to talk with him about is the weather without him trying to control the emotional thermostat. And even talking about the weather can cause a narc injury and send him into a rage.
Yeah, it finally hit me, that comment solidified the growing feeling that all of these videos actually describe me. Shit. I'm the toxic one. fml
Man is that ever true!
@@bc2578 a narcissist can turn you that way by learning your weaknesses when you are in a storm in your life. Then, they take what you previously were strong in and become that. Leaving you to try to come to terms with who you seem to have become. And their coma comrades see you as the toxic one.
"You're too negative!" Hit me like a ton of bricks when I was simply expressing my sorrow about certain life events that were occurring at the time. I felt lonelier than ever and was not expecting that while I was already down. It still makes me cringe and extremely upset to think I spent so many years (close to 10.5) with this person.
This happened to me as well. My ex wife said this to me, every day or as often as she could . It got to the point that I would not even talk to her. Once I got her to leave I had to start working at feeling better about myself. I somehow got these feeds in my you tube and this one struck home with me. So many points Dr Ramani made were exactly what I was going through.
My mom my father sometimes it's just a look! These people just aren't real human beings, just carboard cut outs going through the motions. I think that's why they don't experience joy at small things. Only yest (and im very depressed) I watched my little dog being silly and I smiled it was a real true tiny little joy. They can't feel that, I'm sad but they're far sadder as they swap feeling for their false self 😊
I so relate to your note Eva. That’s exactly what I hear almost daily. I hear this no matter what I’m going through .
Eva, this is my story. I am stull with him. Financially I can't leave, now. I don't really know which way to turn.
My brother always says im too negative and i know damn well i'm not
This video IS SO VALIDATING. It’s SPOT ON the way they act, it’s VERBATIM 😩 I’m just so glad I wasn’t actually going crazy and being the “negative person” I was accused of being
What is Verbatim?
@@nihalnihal9356 It means “word for word”
@@CrispyFriedPickles oh thank you!
💯
Bringing up valid issues around disrespect was called being negative and wanting to “argue” instead of two adults having an open discussion.
Narcissistic projection of us "wanting to argue" is such a huge one! This was both of my parents. I'm 26 and learning know how to effectively dialogue with people on matters deeper than surface level for this very reason...
Wow! Gotta love that one. If they only knew how funny they really are. Oh my gosh these people are so warped, but yet so perfect, right. I think not. Omg!
Oh yes, the narc can say anything they want bit the "moment" you call them out for legitimate issues that a healthy-minded person would respect, the narc suddenly wants nothing to do with anything, and of course it's "all your fault" in their twisted mind.
@@kmc1994 Same, both my parents have this issue. I'm now also learning how to open up to people about important things. Because when I used to do it, everything I said was used against me to invalidate and discredit me. Hang in there, we see the problem, and we're working to fix it.
Yes. That there. Then a circular argument... well into the night to add sleep deprivation. Then irritable from the exhaustion and work to get baited into another argument. Busy with errands and everyone's needs while remaining fiscally responsible while they are sick and in pain. Knowing I can't do anything for them was heartbreaking. When I can't do anything about the situation I tend to try and keep busy because sitting there watching and listening to cries and screams in pain breaks me so I thought of keeping the stability for the children, not letting bills fall behind and trying to take care of basic needs of mine because i know you can't take care of anyone when you don't take care of yourself. Chronic complaints with no movement was used to garner sympathy, pity, guilt and shame. Put into double binds so i can feel less than.
So this positive energy isn’t genuine. It’s controlling.
They're always scheming, just can't relax!
Exactly ! It’s a clever way to have you in control! Have always despised toxic positivity ! It always felt like cult
Lisa, yes ! It seems so " positive " so what's wrong with me for having emotions and feeling down sometimes ! ? I think this mind game is very common in a lot of situations in life. Now we have to start spotting this narc technique everytime !
Pure evil they are,
“Positive vibes only“ Lisa! 🙄😂It’s so toxic and difficult to explain. My sister-in-law says this often because there is only room for her to have the negative vibes.
Actively ignoring your needs or even condemning you for having needs because it means they have to acknowledge a negative. But then they're very quick to apprehend you for not supporting them in their time of need.
This was really interesting to me because I had this issue with my ex husband. At first, when I'd had a bad day, he would tell me to be more positive, like him, and put me down for being so negative all the time. So after a while I just started telling him I was fine, my day was fine, everything was fine (even when it wasn't) and then he later got mad at me for not opening up and talking to him when I was having a rough time because it caused problems with our relationship, so I opened up again, and it went right back to his toxic positivity. Just one of many things that (literally) drove me insane.
Also I wanted to add that it's interesting that a Narcissist spouse can treat you like crap, rage scream, yell and insult you all day long but when it's time for sexual intimacy they expect you to just be enthusiastic, excited, and unfazed like they didn't just emotionally drag you through the mud.
WHAT?!! Their bullying didn't WORK to get you in line with their expectations? WHAT?!!
My ex-h told me I had a "sex problem" because I could not be intimate with him after a few years. It was my only tool of self preservation... Sex became such a chore and it was really a trauma on top of the emotional abuse trauma.
Amen facts
After experiencing the rage episodes, screaming, stonewalling episodes I became an emotional abuser and narcissist because I didn't initiate sex with him, and became cold and distant... In fact, I didn't understand what NPD was until he called me a "narcissistic caregiver" while I was waiting on him hand and foot, and taking care of a brand new baby and homeschooling our oldest son, when he got sick for weeks at a time and couldn't get out of bed.
@@beforgiven9055 lol yup thats how it be
What is disturbing about watching these videos is realizing how many narcissist I interact with in my daily life
Me too :(
@@TinaLouise73 😬
I hear ya!
Yep!
Sigh.......
When she said, "Why are you always so negative all the time?" I felt my stomach turn. I've heard that one too much.
👍
Or “I was just joking, why can’t you take a joke”? When she was clearly just being disrespectful.
You have to be positive because you have to be like them in every way. They can't comprehend the thought that you have different feelings, emotions, ANYTHING that's not exactly the way they are since they are PERFECT in every way!
"because narcissists themselves are responsible for most of the misery around them, in many cases, they don't see the misery storms they create"
I liken it to them having a sore stomach, then puking all over everyone around them (sorry for the gross visual!) - then, while every one else is shocked and covered in their emotional vomit, the narc says, "Wow, I feel so much better now!" and walk away from the mess they just caused.
No, they see them, they just try to play stupid. 😐
Many are facing “misery storms” at this time but yet unknown by the mass public. Stay tuned and stay safe my fellow brothers and sisters! Thank you for the time you take to help humanity understand dynamics which harm so many people!
Normal human beings have a range of emotions.
Nobody is truly happy all the time. Except maybe psychopaths. Psychopaths just don't give a sh__ about anything or anyone. Some of them are cheerful right up to being imprisoned or even executed.
Aka not sociopaths
Totally hits the mark!! Mine only want me to be happy when they're happy! If they ain't happy you know it. The more I watch these videos I know my parents emotionally and mentally abused me. They think that's absolutely fine which is galling!
Yea I'm goin through it with some drunk Old ass fart That Treats Everything n one as A Profession might just Kill em
N trust my father hates him for being a pacifist alone
But My Father Was Abusive N a Hardass on the family N Never Did Anything pay bills Nothin But Time Gose By n I see why now
I love him to death now Now Bc I See Why
Bros N My mother Never Listened To His Warnings For Pepole like this Are Worse
But For these Very Reasons Here Pepole like this Is what made Him Like that
Yea motherfucker Coulda handled it differently wit My mother n 3 bros
N really wasn't doin Shit in the house But my mother alrdy done it tho that was the prob
Bullshit wars between them shoulda seen then bout my mothers Flaws to
was just hating my father until I seen
it really wasn't getting through to them wen my bro almost got locked up n
As they living in these relationships now
All that Never happened With Me At All Bc I Listened To Him bc I think the thought of them being the same kinda people came to mind
Use Your Head Always Said That To me
He knew it was time to pass the torch Bc Things Between the rest of the Fam n him wasn't working out
N apparently the only one he could get through to Was Me
The last fun day we had together was Next To A Tiki Fire That Was The 3rd time he
said Use your head
next Day He was Gone couldn't help but cry
Found out 2 days Later Mother had another guy shoulda noticed Then On why he was so hard on them bc shit Continued in That Tree Continues Made em More Scatter Brained
Father Never Cared What We did In life Cept Getting In Trouble Stuff Like That
But Sadness Is One Ageless Birthmark For a kid To turn into Man
2022:I Still See What He Was talking About This Is The Good Men/Women Pepole we're talking about N U still Try to get em On the Same Page They Ain't Shit
But They still Soft on they feelings I Might Kill the Fam To For Just Thinkin That Way Still
Still call Father n say how much I Love You for Tellin me nothing wrong Cause Yea The Others Are Soft and Apparently They Throw Away there True Nature for Quick bucks then still Learn Nothing
Cause I told him
drunk As Spic Talking Stay In a child's Place Bitchass Hypo mother Fucker Act Like Your Age Then
N Stop Tryna Outhink Me U ain't hurting me Punk If I am Like I always Say Let's Take It Outside Regards After That u dumbass is leaving so a win For me
Father Said At Least One Understands
Cause I call On every confrontation me n this Cherry smokin mother Fucker has
Father Thinkin Of Buying A House close to us now he ain't got nothin to lose in 2022 now so Lls
But
I realized Use Your Head Meant Be Strong n Spirit Heart n Mind
N Father leaving Taught Alone Mental Abuse Is Worse Cause Leaving With That Saying Was Just A Burden Of sadness Made Me Grow Up n actually Carry His Hatred I see Why He left Me This Power
The Whole Time The Father I was Seeking Is now Gone
N now Stuck With Some Jerkoff Grease monkey Punk Spic
But it's Up To Me to Keep The Family in one peace now Bc Some Fucks Seem To Break The Last Hanging Leaf Of it
I feel A lil better after saying That Tho
"You're always grudging up the past"..what I was accused of any time I'd want to resolve issues with my narcissistic ex..also after if I was upset he'd come home complaining that "he'd have to come home to a depressed wife" instead of caring or even asking why I was upset.. It was like being in a constant prison of loneliness, fear and regret. I'm so glad to be out
And the moment they do it, and you clarify the situation or just point out what they did, more gaslighting and moving of the goalposts of acceptable behavior and conversation.
Omg this was so helpful. I grew up in a family where negative expressions were never acceptable. Then I married a man who always gave me crap for expressing any negative thought or feeling. I had no idea this concept of toxic positivity! Amazing.
Jennifer Bangs,You look cute 🌹🌷,Hope you are not with a narcissist!
Yes! I agree! And I also believe that us as women in general get our feelings dismissed very often if we show any negative emotions as just being "emotional" and "hormonal". It's very sexist.
This is why I like being alone😁👍🏻
My ex husband loved to tell me how negative I was …… to his credit I was because I was miserable every minute of my life thanks to being emotionally abused
Exactly
Yeah... ;(
Same
Me
Same here
When they say "cheer up" the real sentiment is "I'm better than you".
Ding ding ding
"Smile!"
Nail on head
Nailed it!
And they're DEFLECTING ACCOUNTABILITY that they may be the cause of your unhappiness. It's called DENIAL. And, IF YOU GO ALONG WITH IT, you're validating them that they are NOT the problem.
Omg I’ve been in this situation so many times and couldn’t understand why being honest was considered “ negative”. I’m not for pretending or masking my emotions. Good to learn this stuff and I just need to do a better job of protecting myself from the gas lighters.
Classic. If you have a bad day they always tell you “smile” “be happy”
All because they want you to be ON for them. To be the entertainment for them.
My ex used to keep telling me to stay positive and smile
The narcissist would never ask you “How was your day” unless they knew it was bad and in order to berate you. It’s a rhetorical question. I love the way they batter you with abuse and then turn around and talk about how positive things are for them. They are so full of shit.
Yep. On his good day it was my bad day his day is fine cause I’m over here being abused and hurt from everything like he’s just fine .. must be nice to be an abuser and get away with all the pain you did .. while I’m repeating questions and trying to make sense of the past cause you broke me and you have someone that’s just a doormat and trusting and caring and concerned .. but oh I’m selfish? Cause we can’t finish conversations from the night before cause you already mentally abused me? Oh okay cool. 🥺😩
We’re not allowed to have any emotions.
“You’re done crying” “you’re not trusting God enough” “I’m over it”. “I’m not going to talk about this any more.” “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar”
It makes grieving or working thru issues so difficult. Nothing gets resolved and the pile of problem becomes a mountain. I’ve been waiting for this topic. Thank you.
Holy tamoly! Well don't listen, you've heard enough! Sounds like pure invalidation, ludicrous and definitely 'non-constructive'... It's stuff which will drive you nuts, don't do that, just drive/walk away! They don't even have to say much but they shouldn't be trying to erase how you feel, what you'd just just said to them! I think that's pretty bad, it'll make you want to seek validation elsewhere... Trust yourself, you know best!
If we do have emotions we are laughed at. They stitch you up on mass then when you are hurt they laugh.
I think a lot of children hear these types of statements growing up. So toxic, and it has been normalized. We need to break this cycle.
They don't want to
Yes indeed. In my case, I wasn't talked out of having emotions. I was slapped until I stopped talking and showing any expression. My sister was the one who was talked out of having emotions, and I think the difference in treatment was so I would feel even worse but not be able to express it.
“Everything worthwhile in life is won through surmounting the associated negative experience. Any attempt to escape the negative, to avoid it or quash it or silence it, only backfires. The avoidance of suffering is a form of suffering. The avoidance of struggle is a struggle. The denial of failure is a failure. Hiding what is shameful is itself a form of shame."
Toxic positivity involves dismissing negative emotions and responding to distress with patronizing _false reassurances_ rather than empathy. It comes from feeling uncomfortable with negative emotions. It is often well-intentioned but can cause alienation and a feeling of disconnection.
Toxic positivity is the excessive and ineffective over-generalization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations. The process of toxic positivity results in the denial, minimization, and invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience.
Toxic positivity: “It could be worse.”
Validation and Hope: That sucks. I’m so sorry you’re going through this
Toxic positivity: You'll get over it!
Validation and Hope: This is hard. You've done difficult things before and I believe in you.
Toxic positivity: Just be positive!
Validation and Hope: I know there's a lot that could go wrong. What could go right?
Toxic positivity: Good vibes only!
Validation and Hope: All vibes are welcome here.
Toxic positivity: Stop being so negative!
Validation and Hope: It's pretty normal and expected to have some negativity in this situation.
Toxic positivity: Think happy thoughts!
Validation and Hope: It's probably pretty hard to be positive right now. I'm putting out good energy into the world for you.
Toxic positivity: Never give up!
Validation and Hope: Sometimes giving up is ok. What is your ideal outcome?
Toxic positivity: Just be happy!
Validation and Hope: It's never fun to feel like that. Is there something we can do today that you'd enjoy?
Toxic positivity: See the good in everything.
Validation and Hope: It's probably really hard to see any good in this situation. We'll make sense of it all later.
Toxic positivity: Everything will work out in the end
Validation and Hope: It's okay that everything feels disappointing right now. I'm here if you need me. We can sort things out together.
Toxic positivity: "Look for the silver lining"
Validation and Hope: I see you. I'm here for you.
Excellent examples! Thanks for taking the time.
@@paigehodges Thank you :) Glad they were helpful 😊
@@rg2027x definitely helpful 😊
This is definitely one of the hardest things when dealing with them. It’s a way to bully other people.
Quote: “Narcissistic personalities are not made for the stuff of real life.”
Ain't that the damned truth.
I just love that part of reality.
…This! 👏
😂😂😂😂😂😅😅😅🌺🌺🌺
"You just gotta be pos-i-tive"
"You just have to smile"
"If you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all"
sounds like the devil to me lol
This is so true in my life. Makes me so angry. He walks away and sticks his head in the sand. Leaves all the worries to me
Hypocrisy in our faces/dealing with them has us weak/fog headed until 'ENOUGH!', we let them know who they were screwing with, they really don't know who we are, all the while telling us absolutely otherwise, we're 💩 when it's the absolute opposite!
Totally demonic.. Take care all and God bless..
@@donnakuhn9752 YES!! And everyone loves him and thinks he is so wonderful and that you are so lucky to have him
Omg… I’m so glad I saw this video. I was feeling like I was just a negative person. He would complain that I was using him as an emotional garbage can when all I was doing was telling him how my day went and how I was feeling. It wasn’t always negative but he made me feel that way. Smh. Never knew this was narcissistic abuse. You have stunned me once again Dr. Ramani. Thank you for these informative videos!!
At least he asked you how your day went! (Just kidding!)🤣
It’s such an eye opener! 👀 I’m glad you are now saved by all the manipulations. 😇🙏💕
@@andreavanda5402 lol siiike
Same!
Maybe u did use him as an emotional garbage can and yourself are the narcissist. Or was he the one causing the negativity throughout your day?
This is so accurate it’s hilarious, I can’t explain how free I feel after watching this video
On the flip side of this, when you're feeling great and positive while they're feeling depressed or negative, then you're not respecting their emotions and they'll be angry at you for being positive.
Heaven forbid you tell them things might not be as bad as they’re seeing them... instead of feeling any better, they accuse you of GASLIGHTING! 😂
So true.... My narcissistic step father will get enraged by my positive attitude sometimes and try to bring me down in any way. Also says he hates 'giggling girls' if ever any of me or my female family members dares to laugh at something when he's in a bad mood (or ever really)
Bingo, when narcs don't want to be bothered, they expect to be left alone. However, not the other way around
So true
@@bitchenboutique6953 dude! Imagine if my mom learned that word. She'd use that 24/7. Instead she says, "I never said that." Or "I never did that". Like imagine, she becomes a narcissist expert when she is the narcissist! She'd definitely do that.
Narcissist do not actually have real positivity. It's actual dismissive on their part after they abuse some body and the person become physically ill, they blame the victim for either being too sensitive or not willing to let anything go. They basically want the victim to accept their abuses and be cheery about . They do not have any genuine empathy for any body. They will never apologize for the damage and hurt they have caused even if they financially rob you, actively cheat on you through infidelity, or even degrade you for contacting your friends, families, choice of clothes, your physical appearance, your intellect, your spiritual belief, you helping others, or choice of foods, etc.
narcs become obsessed with the inner workings of their victim. It's not enough to ruin our day, or years, they can't stand that you might be thinking an independent thought, so they turn to constant harassment, constant corrections, and most important of all, constant belittling. Belittling is a narcs favorite past time. And when you belittle them, they have a total freak out meltdown yell fest and storm off slamming a door. It's interesting to watch, from a safe distance, I actually told my narc I piss him off on purpose so I get the silent treatment. I like the silent treatment, it lets me rest and think my own thoughts. Somehow, I got good at manipulating my narc, but I really want to leave, and looking for an opportunity.
@@kc3810 I find that the silent treatment from my narc sister is when I actually feel safer! When we have "good" times, that's when it's more dangerous because I open up, talk too much about my life and thoughts etc. Like you I enjoy those silent treatments, where I feel more at peace! But in the end, I also plan to leave.
You Nailed it! Don't worry though cos everything has a flip side and they FREAK out in front of True Love, like a mother's love for a child. They can not handle Anything genuine over long period of time:) It's funny to watch how fake they r actually 😂
More often than not, solution lies in the problem.😇
Exactly!!!
I currently live in exactly that toxic positivity plus loads of toxic ‘humor’ right and toxic ‘smiles’ now .. nothing is real .. except the toxicity .. escape plan in progress
I couldn't believe my ears when she said the part about narcissists hating getting sick. My parents (both N's) have been extreme germaphobes since I was little. Refusing to eat any food they haven't cooked, nearly screaming if we touched something dirty in public, obsessive hand washing, taking full showers after getting home from church...and if we ever did happen to get sick (since we were children and human) they blamed us for not trying hard enough to be clean. I can't believe how literally everything fits so perfectly with narcissism. It makes sense out of seemingly random, confusing, senseless things.
That sounds like ocd
If I get sick I get, “So…you’re always sick.”
I’ve experienced this with the narcissist using the Bible and Christ as their weapon
My mom and ex husband always used against me.
But NO more
💯 Me too!
It doesn.t matter. They ate not nor ever will be true followers if Christ. They can say whatever they want.
Same
@@miraclesforus2 TRUTH
I have had narcissists relationships since I was born.
This is me 2 :/ it sucks
So sorry ! It sucks!! I understand your situation coz I have been dealing the same
Me too. At least these things are being covered and talked about more and more. 😪
delonix regia it feels horrible! Went through so much narcissistic abuse too
Sadly, emotional set-points created in childhood become attraction set- points throughout life.
Yes, yes, yes! My last relationship ruined me mentally because of this. I really struggled with not knowing if I was just being negative all the time or if there were really problems in the relationship. It was a form of gaslighting that really messed with my head.
Are u better?
Me too, it is gashlighting
Yeah my ex would constantly joke with me in a way that was like a hundred little digs wrapped in affection. I thought this must be fine… I wasn’t sure someone could really try to insult me so frequently, so I must be way too sensitive. This is just throwing shade, fun and games. But it would always stress me out. It was really hard to tell if I was too sensitive or what. It was always wrapped up in a smile and affection. Such a mind warp.
"I never hold grudges, I just let it go" said a female narc to me, before I knew she was a narc. Yes, they do indeed use positivity to control you. This goes for CBT therapists as well, who tend to blame us for not being able to let it go and move on. The world needs more Dr Ramani's xx
The part about demanding positivity is so accurate - they’ll be assholes and then they’ll throw a tantrum when you simply feel indifferent or unimpressed by them. When you spend a long time with narcs you realise how ridiculous and immature they are. And they hate that more than ever
Some 3-year-olds have more self-control and manners than they do...
This is accurate!! And once they're having a bad day, they feel as though they have every right to be mean, nasty and raging to the people close to them. It's like they live in delusion.
It's like they live in delusion because they DO live in delusion.
What????? Mine never had a bad day!!! Yours did? Every day was a new opportunity for possibilities to open!! The only "sorta bad day" would be caused by my insecurities or anxiety. Other than me....everyone else was great!!! He just wanted to be happy and I was a downer!!!! I hope his new wife rips him a new one.....but I think she floats around on rainbows too.
@@kellymcnabb3693 omg that was my ex. Everyday I would be told by the ex new ambition , going to take on the world , going to go hard on business venture etc etc. it became very strange and corny to listen to. But apparently I was going as hard in life as the ex.
@@omgomg382 LOL.....🌽 corny!!!!! LOL. soooo true. I used to call him Pollyanna! Who is really like that every day? I mean, anything could be cured by a good nights sleep!!!! Thanks for using the word corny....brought back some "delusional " memories... 🤣🤣
@@kellymcnabb3693 at one stage I thought my ex lived in a third dimension with what he would communicate. Certain ambitions and how he would gaze in the sky and say my next challenge .. I’m going to try something new .. and he would go into bizarre therapy Regression sessions and healing /rebirth ceremonies. Like how did u ignore this red flag 🚩 yet he put all over social media I had red flags 🚩 but has also posted he wanted to take on my masculine energy. Seriously think my ex was on mushrooms 🍄 or suffering some undiagnosed psychosis
My narcissist ex-husband had a toxically positive narc uncle. Whenever we would visit them in Northern San Diego the uncle would start each day by bellowing "Ah! Another Day in Paradise!" Meanwhile, his sweet wife was heavily medicated into almost total silent submission, and his 2 grown sons were both in and out of prison and drug rehab programs. I found his daily happy pronouncement really weird and ironic. We didn't see them too much, so I didn't really get a handle on it at first, but when they came up to L.A. to stay with us for a few days we took them out to breakfast. The uncle started criticizing the way I ate. "You eat like a child," he sneered at me aggressively. Neither my husband nor his wife came to my aid. I was too shocked at his rudeness to say anything. Just glad to be away from that family. I felt so bad that the aunt couldn't get away too.
Wow...Sounds like 1 of my cousins. I get to hear snide critiquing remarks from anything to my clothing, hair, even shoes ffs. He always does it in front of people when there's an audience never 1 on 1. He won't interact with me when others aren't around I'm avoided like he's scared or something.
In my experience the toxic positivity nonsense they love spewing despite you is to disguise their narcissism...so they appear altruistic. But you'll see it surface when least expected, the real them reveals itself...beyond the fake "feel good" BS presented as a facade. If they were truly so positive, they wouldn't be so fault-finding, toxic and cruel. Genuinely positive beings don't do that!
My brother always says you choose what happens in your own life. He has lately told me not to use negative words and goes on about it. I can't criticize anything without him interrupting every time I say not, nothing etc. Same goes for my sister. She never wants to hear about a bad day or something bad happening to me. Both say I am so negative.
“A false life”, “eternal children” sums it up. I’m preparing my departure right now. “ Be courageous and strong…for the Lord your God goes before you.”
😇🙏💕
I am in the middle of my departure. You can do this. Be prepared to fight for your life. Peace is worth it!😇
Mostly I got "I am just trying to help."
I got that, I got abuse if I said no to help.
That line is 😷 to me.
Or my fave, “I have your best interests at heart.” (emphasis on the “I”).
Yes! And if I decline his ideas... He will get so angry! Tell me I! am not objective in knowing my needs, my feelings are wrong, I just don't want to get better....
@@johannakunze3300 I have very similar, even if I politely decline, say thank you for a suggestion, then I hear how stupid I am, how I am not getting it,... I used to say "there is no need for an insult", but that statement was attacked too, so I keep quiet and leave the room and let it leave my mind. I never thought I will be able to do that :)
My ex would ask every day how was my day. I would never say anything negative. He was really asking so he could spend the rest of the evening talking about his day.
Turning on Dr. Ramani every morning has become apart of my daily routine.
Omg this video saved me! My relationship with a narcissist made me feel like something was really wrong with me.. like I was a negative cloud messing up their energy. I internalized this. Thank you!
I feel your comment so much. I was made believe I could never do anything right and it was me messing up the relationship. Insane!
Same and I found out they were cheating on me. I've been so blinded for so long
Same for me,I finally just walked away.
Me too! It still happens.... well, not anymore! 😉
@@rebeccayazzie4434 Nope! I always get "why do you have to be so negative?" I'm not negative, I'm realistic. 😎
I feel sorry for myself some days because I lost my job and house. Living in a tiny travel trailer in a quiet rural area. We’re managing. But also, this has been a great healing time, too. Went no contact with family and am away from a narc boss for the first time in 14 years!! Yes, I am scared about finances, but have been so drug around by my guts in broad daylight for the last 14 years , that I had lost myself. Can’t afford therapy so these videos and postings have been a lifeline. I feel like I am beginning to gain a sense of who I am again. Thanks everyone.
I am sorry that you have been through all these hardships.
Good luck to you 💖 much love
Gertrude west I’ll tell you this much , your not alone. I had reached the highest paying job available in my career and was nearing the pinnacle of local lower level success in my area and had all the things were told your suppose too. Nice place to live , newer car , beautiful woman and kids and I wanted to commit suicide daily and eventually just gave in/up so much that I watched/made it all crumble because I was a miserable person with a good Heart and genuine feelings living with such a manipulative, pathological liar and abusive extreme narcissist. I now have none of those things I had and am alone and trying to rebuild but I have something that I never once in those more ‘successful’ times , hope and faith in what the future can be. I kept going back until I destroyed myself and most things in it but I think it took that to finally see the big picture. I much rather start from the bottom again and be more cautious/make the right decisions this time around then settle for that kind of miserable life with such a trouble and sick partner. You may feel sorry for yourself now and not be happy at the moment or feel like your failing but your not. Your rebuilding with the chance of having something real and genuine happiness next time. Wish you all the best.
Good for you, Gertrude! I've been there before, and it is really hard. Find good friends to re-build your self esteem and find good people at work - they are there! You will heal and your life will get so much better! Healing comes slowly, but it's so much worth it!!!
@Gertrude At least you're free from the narc!! I got away from my abusive narc spouse but then I lost my job, lost my home & sold everything I had to stay afloat through Covid lockdown. I haven't been able to get a job & I'm back at my mom's after 25yrs. The worst part is that she's also an abusive narc 🤦🏼♀️ Years of therapy spent trying to recover my soul in order to break free from the hell I was in & now I'm right back in hell again. If I wasn't so physically disabled with (I have an autoimmune disease) I'd live in a tent with my dogs.
My story may or may not leave you feeling better about your current circumstances, but being free from a narcissist is freedom itself & that freedom is worth almost EVERYTHING!
They don’t care about your sadness. It makes you feel worse. This is so true, every day my boss asked me this and I queried her if she really wanted to know or was she just being polite. She replied,” just being polite “. I tried to beat her to the punch by saying good morning, or afternoon just to not be controlled. It’s better to not be asked in my opinion. But that is common conversation. Thank you for coining this ,” toxic positivity” it’s something I’ve sensed for a long time.
A narcissist will laugh, dance and be silly to the extreme when they can see you're angry, humiliated and beaten down by them.
I remember my ex-husband preaching on and on to our children that they should, "choose happiness". Minutes later he was screaming at us, stormed upstairs, and slammed the bedroom door like a teenager. I was never allowed to have a bad day. If I was grumpy, he would make sure he was grumpier. I'd end up having to apologize to him. Walking on eggshells all the time.
Yesh I recognise that behaviour too.. when I had a bad day (I have real bad anxiety and chronic mouth ulcers, so I had days with a lot of pain) he would get so dramatic and say "you're always sad and depressed" etc.. while when he had a bad day I just let him be.. it's crazy how he would behave.. like I wasnt alowed to feel sad or disappointed
When I got really sick I just cried when he was at work and faked being happy when he came home..
“They require you to feel a certain way” my mother exactly
Be happy all the time.
This is great and I truly mean that! :) Growing up with N parents, I quickly learned that I had to be the ray of sunshine, a little entertainer, all day, every day. They made it clear that I was not allowed to be a real person who experienced the full panoply of emotions. It turned me into a doormat, a frightened, anxious, people-pleaser. Going to school abroad in my 20s liberated me. I was able to turn into myself, to breathe, for the first time, as I was around people with no preconceived notions of me.
Angel La Canfora,You got a lovely smile 😊
Angel La Canfora,You got a lovely smile 😊
Wow 😳 this is me to a T. Especially living abroad. So much so that I became a cultural linguistic enthusiast! Speaking other languages really gives you the ticket to be a whole new character with new people
"I can't be around this negativity..." This is what I was told if i had a bad day at work, had a problem, or ESPECIALLY if I was upset or angry at something HE did, such as steal money from me.
Phony & shallow. When I've observed this in this kind of narcissist there's usually blatant self serving behavior that comes with it & it becomes very obvious & transparent that they are riding the "me, me me" train.
Right!
That sinister power of positivity has guilted or shamed many from experiencing the range of human emotion and thus crippling many from recognizing and protecting themselves from toxic people and relationships ... thank you Dr Ramani for yet another timely, spot on message
🎯
E Marie this toxic positivity has shamed many people to not acknowledge any emotions ! Agree! Loving the fact that Dr Ramani is talking about this
of course Marie, at the end we're not made to tolerate abuse and have this emotions. That's safety, not shameful. I send you a hug
Toxic positivity in the workplace annoys me. Bosses asking how's ur day but never expecting a real answer. Co workers saying they never get sick or take time off due to illness, thanks for spreading ur germs!! No one is superhuman and thanks for reminding us feeling a range of emotions in normal.
I have been wondering for decades as to why my mom calling me so negative hurt my feelings so bad. I realise today that the things I was complaining about were very legitimate. It was gaslighting and invalidation. My mother wasnt even a toxic positive person, she just used my complaints to call me negative to deny my feelings regarding the ways she was treating me
Now I can’t stop thinking about the toxic positivity people in my life and how they might be sly narcissists!
Right?!!!
One you see the truth, you can't unsee it.
This is the exact video I was wanting. My ex never let me have a negative emotion. I was always too negative, I needed to just think happier thoughts and everything would be sunshine and rainbows. My mental health declined even further.
How did you deal with this ? I'm going through exactly the same thing Andi have no idea what to say or do !
@@The123eyecandy you can’t deal with narcissists you have to leave or become numb to them to cope
@@xomissisabel dissociation is great! 😬😳😫
You have to leave there’s no dealing with them, as humans we are meant to have both good and bad days just like dr ramani said and you deserve to have your true feelings validated. Suppression of your true emotions over time will cause you to begin to question you own reality, loose yourself and will eventually lead to serious mental health problems. So 🏃♂️
Yet they are negative people deep inside faking positivity sometimes and being outwardly negative other times.
When, as a child , you tell your mother how you feel and she say's " don't BE like that ! " , thus cancelling your feelings and sucking you into the black hole that is parental narcissism.
Another narcmom greatest hits is "stop feeling sorry for yourself!"
OMG….. really did not understand what he was doing to me. I thought this was MY problem. Recently, he commented that he just was not getting what he wanted from our relationship. My comeback was….not my problem, look to yourself. He then said that he was not ready for a conversation that he started. Inside I was laughing and saw what a child he was and always had been. I sure have learned so much from your videos. Thank you!
This sounds exactly like my mom and brothers, they have ruined my life and self esteem yet they all complain that I am negative , depressed and angry all the time-- even though they made me that way.
Same 😑
Dont be the same
You see this and that means you're aware of the behavior. I was like you when I was your age. That's a positive sign!
@@mthomas3547 seems a lil narc to me
I hope you’re away from the family home and living you’re own life now, hugs for u ooooo
They give you (false) hope by giving you positivity to drag you further and longer by making you believing AS IF they will deliver what they said / promised! NEVER BELIEVE what they say !!!!
When things didn’t turn out in a good way, they will just blame you and anything under the sun but themselves. Yet they expect you to console them. If you tell them the reality, they will hamper you for being negative (coz you destroy their fake roses in their head).
Dr Ramani, you describe this perfectly! It happened soooooooo many times to me 🙄
Absolutely. The promises. And then the blame went it doesn’t go the way they said it would.
sort of like mr. trump. sorry, couldn't resist.
It's like the DNC promising to be better than Trump - wolves in sheep clothing - covert narcs. I think the Grandiose Narc, Trump, is easier to handle than the Covert Narc - Biden. We the people are getting duped with false promises, and then we the people will be blamed for being stupid, it's our own fault we don't have healthcare or a home to live in.
Exactly why I finally left. I was practically dying, in and out of the hospital, couldn't eat, constant pain, couldn't figure out why.... One horrible day I ran to his arms in tears of frustration only wanting some comfort and his response was, "are you seriously sick again?!"
I was sick for a few weeks, could barely breath and coughing constantly. He literally looked at me and said, "Is that really necessary?" because I was coughing too loud in bed. -.-
@@AkumuShi I'm so sorry you had to experience that. We all deserve so much better. Sending love and light to you and all who read this! 💖
I got to the point where I expected my mother to rage if I told her I was struggling as she often would. This video is so good it explains exactly so many aspects of this personality type. It's horrible to experience and I'm glad someone can express it, identify it, and finally give me more insight on what I was actually experiencing.
I was involved with a covert narcissist who, when I was ill or injured, would say "hmmm I wonder why you invited that into your life?! What do you need to learn here?!" 🙄
Lol oh my God ...I want to kick him.
That belief is what puts me off all the “love & light” people. As if you invite everything into your life like some great creator. So dumb.
Just panch him straight in to his face and say : I wonder why you invited that.
Law of attraction BS
Jean wants to kick him. Get in line. There's a queue!
"You don't have enough faith. A true believer doesn't have a bad day."
This sounds so stupid it’s hilarious
Sounds like it came from someone with the IQ of a potato.
That's exactly what my mom did to me. Whenever I expressed sadness and sobbed, she will say"oh it's no big deal! Cheer up!" Yep, she is the only one in my family having the privilege to be emotional, to be angry, to be moody. When I was young, I even admired her positivity. I just get confused why she can be so moody but I instantly justified it. What a fool I was.
I love how she said that they will have a problem with you when you pop the bubble with a realistic response. Like when you say “Thanks for that advice to just rise above it, but I’d rather just deal with it. It’s okay that it still effects me.” They’re going to be uncomfortable that you just decided to think and feel for yourself.
When asked "How are you?" I was forced by my narcissistic mother to always say "good" no matter what. One day we were in a mall (and I was about 4 or 5 years old) and we accidentally ran into her friend. The friend asked how I was and I replied, telling her about my day and how I feel. As soon as she left and we were alone, my mom got so mad at me. "Don't ever do that again! When someone asks how you're doing, you say good. No one gives a shit about you. No one cares how you feel or what you think. When someone asks you how you are you reply 'good'." I'm 38 and when asked how I am I always reply "good" no matter what. I can't help it and it's extremely uncomfortable to reply with anything else.
This is my experience as well. I don't even remember the first time my mother snapped on me about it. I've been saying "good" like a robot since I was about the same age you mentioned for yourself. Thank you for sharing this.
Heather so sorry you went through that ! If I knew you I'd call you up and ask you " How are you ? " and I'd really like to know the truth. I hope you have many people in your life like that now. : )
😭😭😭😭🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗
@The Jack "Meh" was not an acceptable answer and would have been met with anger, yelling, disdain or contempt.
Wow! To say that to a young child, to your own children... to train them to believe something like that. Terrible people they are.
Me: "I wish I could do/have......"
Narcissist: "So do it!"
As if they’re not the ones stopping us from doing it
Oh yeah!
@@blueflury
Indeed, so it is sometimes better to fake that you are very positive and optimistic yourself because they often wil enjoy the fact that you are not doing/feeling well... That is another way of controlling you by making you feel sad because of the contrast (their life is great, yours is not). In most cases showing your real emotions is not the best way to deal with narcissists!
Tell them don't tell me when I gotta do it I was thinking out loud lol
“So do it.” Exact words from my genius psychologist.
😡🤬😡🤬
My father read “The Power of Positive Thinking.” I think it must have been because it had the word Power in the title! OMG, he beat us over the head with happy, happy, happy! “Why can’t you just be happy (instead of depressed or angry or anything else)? I just want you to be happy (so I can be vindictive)”
The word “happy” kind of turns my stomach now!
Yes, when he asks about us, the only thing he is able to hear is: “I’m great, I’m just fine; we’re all fine.” It’s a bit ironic that now, when I Gray Rock, I say “I’m just fine; we’re all fine.” Happy happy!
I remember a certain narc saying I was not a team player. She lost that battle. 🔥
My parents used to say I had a bad attitude and I needed to be prayed for. Funny thing is when I was at work Im know for my positive attitude
It's good that you can see through their BS. Maybe their prayers are w working, just not in the way they hoped! You have just found a community that has your back.
oh don't get me started 😤
It’s like having an insane person as a partner or parent. They just don’t get it and they refuse to get it. I like how she said they are eternal children. Sadly true. My father is this 100%
They refuse to get it is So much more likely. I would tell my father to the face that he's wrong and he stares off somewhere else.
It really is true.
Why wasn't this on my school curriculum?!
This resonates. I have two abusive family members who behave exactly like this.
This is wonderful. Thank you, Dr. Ramani. They will dump their pain on you, and then when you are miserable, and hurting and in pain - and they call you a "depressing person" - it is ultimate heartlessness. Telling people you are a miserable person after they hurt you, and you are in severe pain from it - and rightfully complaining about the pain, or showing signs of suffering.
One of the most disgusting narcs behaviour aspect. Hope you are well.
@@LadyMngwa ❤️
On second thought be happy they don't want a loving relationship, that's how I see mine. This gives you a REAL CHANCE to find True genuine Love instead of a half-baked fake one. They are not worthy and don't stand a chance to you.❤️❤️🌈 You got this!😇💎
OMG. I finally got out after 42 years. The soon-to-be ex would always say, why are you so negative? Man, you’re a real pessimist. What’s funny is everyone I’ve since encountered has been impressed with my outlook on life and consider me an optimist! I haven’t changed. It’s been so enlightening to ‘find’ the real me.
I'm on my way out, and I could have written this comment word for word!
Right. Abusers frequently use accusations to re-direct your attention toward your own self, and away from their faults, to prevent you from calling them out on their hurtful behavior and HOLDING THEM ACCOUNTABLE to correct it.
Same for me. I’m seen as optimistic by all others.
Omg. Every freaking day that I said anything that wasn’t about him. “DO YOU WANNA HAVE A GOOD DAY OR A BAD DAY? OKAY STOP!! OKAY GREAT! WE WILL HAVE A GREAT DAY!!” (Or weekend🙄) all in one breath of yelling…. and you can’t comment back or he will get abusive to physical to you in front of your kids…… I’m so thankful I got the strength to leave after 2 years..Thank you GOD!
This resonates 100%!!! I was belittled in being negative about having cancer. " You need therapy "!....."Why can't u be more positive "?! But when she had a bad day at work? Well.....the world was supposed to stop and mourn. Where was the compassion for me? This is what I needed to hear. Thank you for this.
My mom loves to say how she never had any hard times when she was a parent and how she “loved every minute.” Any time you are having some problems she always did it better, faster, etc. and completely invalidates you. She never asks how I am anymore thank God. Any time in the past if you were having a bad day, it was always something you did or didn’t do that THEY would’ve done. If you have accomplished something or are working hard at something, mine will always say she did that same thing and it wasn’t that hard for her to do. Just complete invalidation.
Narcissist don’t ask how your doing. Ever. They don’t care because of course it’s good your around them.
Yes, that's enough. Ugh
Yes, I just had my mother visit whom I haven't seen in over 6 months due to COVID and not spoken really for about the same due to other issues, and she just spent a ton of time speaking about how great her retirement life (and it turned out she is cheating on her husband) and then said "Well, it looks like you are doing great in the time of COVID. The kids don't look bored!"
So true, they never will ask about you or say Happy or Merry anything. It is either sit down and be my audience or servant!
Actually my narc family member will ask just so she can start in and hijack my statements with her own. Like if I said I have a headache, she will say she has a bigger one.
sheila shaver yes, classic, always have to be superior even in suffering. I’ve said to them in response, “what is wrong with you it’s not a competition!” That knocked them off their high horse.
I'm amazed how Dr. Ramani's topics of discussion speak to everything I've suffered at the hands of (what I know now as) my narcissistic ex-husband. I can't count the number of times he's told me, "You're so negative!" It's amazing how positive I was when he ditched the marriage and moved out. He frequently laughed inappropriately. His dad died and I expressed my sympathy to him at the loss of his father. He laughed. I told him my car broke down. He laughed. I started to think of him as chuckles the clown. He even emphatically stated while we were married that anger was a sin. (Yet his anger always came out very passive-aggressively.) His sister, whom I also believe is narcissistic had a party at their home after her husband suffered a stroke while on vacation. Once they arrived back home from vacation, she called the "troops" in to have a positivity fest. "I believe God will take care of this. He will recover." There was denial written all over the behavior. I felt like I was living in a world of "The Emperor Has No Clothes." I'm so glad to be out.
Real people have a range of emotions. Ty Dr Ramani! I was so sick of trying to be positive all the time just to keep the peace. He always had a big phoney smile on his face, although I could see anger and jealousy in his wicked smile. One morning I told him it's going to be a hard day for me I couldn't sleep at all. He punished me by ignoring me all day. Now I wake up and say, everyday without him is a good day no matter what emotion I'm feeling.
Anyone in the new-age, spiritual community has seen these types of narcs. In fact. I believe narcs are flocking to the 'positivity', 'law of attraction', 'new-age spiritual' spaces. I think the narcissistic abuse recovery community is next. This is why having experts like Dr. Ramani as leaders in the narcissistic abuse recovery space are so necessary.
Yeah my friend started reading books from the library about meditation and yoga and stuff and they snapped and went crazy with this alternate reality view in the world... And litteraly in a schizophrenic level.
Absolutely !!!!! Spot on!!!! Don't forget the types in these communities who claim to be 'goddesses' and 'gods'. Narcissism on steroids!!!!
@@ateekahmitik324 lol, "the mother god" comes to mind
I have a friend like this. At first I was glowing at how positive and happy they were all the time. Then it started to anger me, because I thought they were mocking me and everyone around them and now I'm just worried about them. It's almost turned into a pathological issue over the years.
Yes! My ex narc which I'm only learning about, got into spiritually, meditation, positivity, veganism and I thought ok let him do his thing, then started projecting veganism on me took me a while but I jumped on board, I've always been spiritual and he never believed in it, but I felt he was the most negative even though he would throw so much positive, but I think that was all a cover. Things he did and then would say act like he's intelligent and im all boss look at me and my body and im a man, but then treat me like crap walking on eggshells all the time. Fake as anything, I got discarded 3 months ago after 18 years and gave me the I need space, I need to be alone my chakras are out bullshit talk, didnt buy it caught him out 5 days later and my world just crumbled! Hes been in hiding, but only now after 3 months am finding out hes got a 20 year old staying there as well as the chick he left me for! So crazy!
Wow. "Normal human beings experience a range of emotions..." I didn't truly learn this until late 20s. I actually believed that anything OTHER than being happy, thankful, glad, elated, for constant criticism, and reprimand was ungrateful 😥 .
I relate to this SO much.
I learnt it in my 30s… I totally understand you 🙏
This makes me so sick. My dad ruined my life and asks me, “why do you act so stoic?” It’s so demoralizing I hate it. He manipulates my family now my mom won’t even support me. I’m SO SICK of how my family relationships have been going. I can’t wait to go to college or move out, because it really makes me sick to my stomach.
"Your just paranoid." My favorite one .