Should you change yourself for others? - Finding balance in relationships
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- Опубліковано 31 тра 2024
- "Should you change yourself for others?"
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Should you change yourself for others? First, ask yourself, “How much am I willing to change for this person?” and “How much am I expecting in return?” If being considerate seems right after answering these questions, then it's fair to expect others to be considerate of you too. This is because, very often, the burden of change and accommodation is put onto the autistic person. It's good to accommodate others, but remember not to overlook your own needs because we could be chronically undervaluing our own needs when we build the habit of accommodating other people’s needs without asking them to accommodate ours. In this video, I will share how we could find that balance so that we could establish boundaries and expectations and answer the question “How much should I change for others?”
🎞️Timestamps:
0:49 Introduction
2:34 Should I change for others? YES!
3:42 The two important questions
4:40 Black and White Thinking
6:32 Meeting halfway
7:45 What if you are the odd one out
9:42 Identifying Strong Preferences
12:09 The 50-50 rule to balance it
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I spent years making myself miserable trying to make people happy by doing that.
#1 It didn't help. They just found something else they wanted me to change. Then something else.
#2 I hated myself. For not being good enough and for being fake.
Some change is good, but I am who I am. Take it or leave it.
Very well stated. Couldn't agree more
No matter if it is a bit or a lot it never is enough for egoistic NT.
I have had this experience as well
As with so many of your posts, this one, too, applies not alone to autistic persons, but to almost everyone, giving us some excellent insight into navigating life's often difficult pathways. And in that, you are performing an invaluable service.
Writing as a mid-80's aged scholar, clergyman, and pastoral counsellor, I find your commentaries deeply insightful, eminently practical, and consistently helpful to all levels of mental and emotional exploration. THANKS !
Thank you for your very fair and insigjtful analysis, of this iissue. It's interesting that your number crunching results, equall common sense, that taking turns to have your own way, would create the least animosity in relationships in, the long run.
I feel like a lot of “normal” people have the same exact issues us autistic people have and that makes me feel better cuz I’m not completely alone but it’s just that we have to have different solutions to our problems
A buddy of mine I met at the gym told me once "id rather you be the funny quirky weird you, vs the person who is closed off and reserved and boring" or something to that effect. It stuck with me very well. Now I consider myself then others. Im not going to lose myself if I feel strongly on something
As long as this in line with the person you want to be . Then I’m all in for it .
So the question I have for you dose being funny and quirky feel authentic to your true self ?
But my true self is reserved and boring so i guess I suck lol
I changed myself for everyone forever until I didn't know who I was anymore -- which became extremely painful when my midlife crisis started. I always felt shame for who I was and then I felt bitter (and exhausted) that no one accepted me for who I was -- but how could they, when I always hid who I was? I experimented with being open with my AuDHD, but no one knows anything about it, so it doesn't make my behaviour any less baffling or alienating to most people. I've been struggling so much with this topic of how to be myself without ruining my relationships. I've been listening to this channel for years and it is so incredibly on point and helpful and insightful. I appreciate your videos so much 🙏🙏🙏
I used to be a cameleon for 55 years (without knowing and without knowing I have autism) and now I'm burned out and I don't know who I am.
I can relate 🙏🏼 51 and living with ME/CFS for decades, then realizing recently that there are too many ‘coincidental’ similarities with late diagnosed women on the spectrum and am on the waiting list to be diagnosed.
Have been masking & overcompensating like my life depended on it, trying to be a true chameleon for the sake of basic safety. After so many years being exhausted and highly (dis)stressed, I don’t even know what a normal relaxed state is supposed to feel and I’m discovering what is me and what has been survival strategy all this time.
Good luck on your self-discovery journey 🫶🏼 it takes time and lots of tlc for yourself 🍀
Same here for 31 years (undiagnosed as only ADHD when I also have autism) last year. It was all because I began noticing autism symptoms in my 4 yr old boy (he was always a very hard baby to deal with as well and had colic as well). That’s when I realized it…I did/do some of those things he does, especially when I was his age…remembering walking around pre-K not sure how to make friends.
I don’t know who I am anymore either. Been in burnout for probably 9 months now and I just want to “feel normal” again.
I would suggest using the word “adapt” rather than “change”. The words have related concepts, but slightly different meanings. Change refers to the process of becoming different or altering in some way, a departure from the current state to something different. Adapt involves adjusting to new conditions or circumstances in order to fit or function effectively within them. I think many of us resist the “change” part because we understand the autism is something we can’t change about ourselves. But, we’re willing to adapt portions of our lives to accommodate a particular need we or others have. The language is important, at least to me. I’m very literal and specific. If someone says to me I need to “change”, it triggers anxiety because I know I can’t unbecome myself-“change” sounds permanent and unrealistic to me. If someone suggests can I “adapt” a little in some way, I’m more than willing to try because they’re not asking me to become something I can’t be, just bend a little here and there. The same word can mean different things to different people, so maybe I’m nitpicking here.
I agree with your logic, so IMO it’s not nitpicking. “Adapt” acknowledges the existence of the circumstance one is adapting to. “Change” implies, to me, the need to reconfigure ourselves more as a moral imperative: one way of being is right and another way is wrong. The sense of moral failing is a heavy burden to bear. I’m not sure if anyone can make positive changes in themselves unless they first free themselves from that feeling. At least, that’s been my experience.
But you’re right about language meaning different things to different people. I get myself in trouble by forgetting that, and I think a lot of NT people do too. I’ve come to think it works like this: every human is basically trying to self-regulate, and a big part of that is coming to an understanding of ourselves, the world, and who we are in relation to it. The language and framework that works best for any given individual will vary, and that’s okay - there’s no one standard that fits all.
That‘s an idea that I‘d sincerely support. In appreciation of you actually reflecting on meanings and implications of notions + concepts, which appears to be a take not unlike mine as well. Languages are usually rich enough in requisite vocabulary for adequately differentiated expression, but most (esp. NT-ish, in particular in relying on emotionalist slime | glue | fogging) ppl. are either illiterate, ignorant, actually dumb or just lazy to attempt better than habitually mixing apples, pears, and quince for resembling each other from comfortable distance. And mass media | politics | woke p.c. newspeak ilk serve that cræp anyway, in thriving on it. But once one becomes aware of ‚differance‘ (coined by french philosopher derrida), one can‘t return to the state before the bite into the apple.
Paul, this blew my mind! Feeling like my only options were to either accommodate others 100% while tolerating mistreatment or to stay out of everyone’s way entirely has been so stifling.
This made it click for me that I’m not a burden just for existing, and I deserve the same level of respect I show others by default.
I didn’t realise this was an option, but I’ll absolutely take this idea of reciprocal change with me into my relationships. Thank you so much! ❤️
I felt the immediate urge to adapt or change in order to maintain a social standing (especially in the workplace). It’s almost as if you’re forced to moreso these days because any flaw in the flow of production can lead to unpleasant disputes or miscommunication. It’s normalized employers saying “Sorry you’re just not a good fit here” to avoid having to interact with someone on the spectrum.
10 years ago I feel this wouldn’t have been as pronounced but now as social media has generated more narcissistic behaviors; people expect to be entertained/pleased even while working & anyone that conflicts with that becomes a target.
My daughter (Au Add) was struggling with a school assignment tonight about using *abstract* nouns to explain emotional states. She was saying abstract things are meaningless. Quite a philosophical discussion!
She's always been quite pragmatic, and said that when she moves out of home, she'll go to a big city so she can just find others with the same mindset, or alternately be anonymous.
She's just exhausted from trying to fit in.
More power to her I say. There will be adjustments that she can make without too high a cost, but some that just are not worth it. I'm glad we have your videos Paul, glad my daughter and I can have these discussions, and glad this generation of young ppl are growing up hopefully with greater self awareness and self acceptance.
I stopped masking for my dad twice during phone calls. I masked all my life. And he hated the real me. He forgot to hang up after a phone call and told his wife some very condescending things, about me. Still trying to get over it. I masked all my life - including as a teen at boarding school. It drains me so badly. But I must do it, because the real autistic Hanna, just isn't likeable to most people. A geek, a weirdo.
He just doesn't understand you...
@@kenichimendoza8571 No, for sure he does not.
But the moral of the story is - stop masking at your peril!
Every time I let the mask off and show my real personality, it's a disappointment. The only place I can be myself, is online - and only anonymously. 😔
what things do u "geek" out on?😁
@@KEEPOURSANITY Geopolitics, tech, anthropology and health/wellbeing. I have these really quirky special niches within those areas. Nuff said! I'm in a good job and masking mainly works - its just hugely draining and boring. They see a reluctant actress playing a role. Not an authentic person.
@@KEEPOURSANITY what about you - special interests?
I try to pretend to care as little as possible. I basically have to be getting paid.
As a person who was raised to self-abandon for the needs and underdeveloped self-care & self-regulation of others, I learned that there’s a big difference between adaptation, skills & strategies to help functioning in society and masking, overcompensating to hide who you are & how you feel, for the sake of basic safety.
Changing with new learned skills & strategies is fine, short term patience with ppl who are still learning their own strategies is fine, overcompensating & masking as a solo parent was for a greater purpose, but I will never abandon my authenticity, my boundaries, my values for ppl who can’t self-regulate or give themselves what they need, ever again. 🙏🏼🌺
I definitely think that 'change' sounds too abrupt. I think of it as being open to the idea of personal growth and trying to understand each other. That way we aren’t neglecting ourselves and suppressing our needs.
It's easier to build relationships with someone who respects you and has the same mindset and willingness to communicate, that goes for all relationships btw not just romantic ones.
I mostly did things for other people as understood them more then myself. Now learning about myself more, I'm trying to accommodate myself more, but still balance helping other people. Before kept helping others, then when I tried getting help, there was no-one to help me. Ended up doing everything myself and getting used to it. Generally I believe in balance and moderation, more understanding of different things.
living alone is freeing yet when I am around others, I am dramatically reminded how differently quirky I really am...It makes me laugh a little but is so jarring too because I am at place in life where I know how to accommodate myself...even if it looks like I am doing "the nothing". Ha
I just had another realization. The dynamic between me and my partner is that he gets the impression that we always do things my way. At the same time, while I am quick to voice to my disagreement to many things, I am capable of letting go on most of them when given more time to think, or space to decide or just talk about it. Unfortunatelly, my partner often lives it at my initial reaction and doesn't want to get back to it and have it his way. This leads to unpleasant situations when I really need things to be the way I want and he resists by saying that we always do things my way. I agree we often do things my way but it's not what I really want or need. I tried to explain it to him right now but he said he doesn't know what I want from him and he needs examples which don't want to come to my mind right now and I don't want to just ramble about it.
I wonder if you could add something like "mildly prefer" when you're reacting to things.
My level of resentment towards my autistic husband grew up without me noticing, because I constantly was trying to do things the way that my husband preferred.
He had opinions (to me they sounded like really strong preferences) about everything from how to fold the towels to how to load the dishwasher to how to drive. Each of these things wasn't a big deal, and I felt like if he cared so much I didn't mind doing it his way. But that sort of thing really builds up. After a while I felt incredibly controlled and I hated it!
This is how to get to the point where I'm filled with rage when faced with putting the mustard back in the fridge. It's stupid, but he's going to notice and wonder why I'm trying to do things "against our agreement" so I have to decide whether it's worth opening the fridge again and checking to see where I put the mustard (because I was thinking about something else and probably didn't put it away correctly) or not. Which is incredibly annoying and exhausting and ideally I would just never have to see my husband again or maybe he'd live 8 hours away and we see each other 4x/year, that's how frustrating this is. And I know I did it to myself by being so agreeable!
So, try to fix the balance before he can't bear it.
No. Don’t change. I get by by working retail jobs where most of the people around me are kind of weird themselves. Tough jobs, but for 40 years that’s what I’ve done.
I must have know this from the inside, that if I tried to do other things it probably wouldn’t have gone so well. Also, I’m being a lot more me with close friends.
Sometimes it doesn’t go so well. But I really can’t mask anymore. So I do get pushback, but no way am I going to try to get the genie back in the bottle.
I think thatyou did this subject justice. Well done. "Change" is more appropriate than adapt because adapting implies more camelian rather than actual change that is a healthy part of growing up. Non-autist people need to change. It is not an "autistic requirement" to change. We both have to change regardless of neuro-wiring. As you rightly pointed out balance is essential. I am me and I need to be me, but I also need to grow and change and accomidate others.
This is one of the best videos of yours I have watched and can’t wait to show it to my daughter, who is autistic and I feel will really benefit from all that you are saying. I’m NT and still 100% agree with everything you said. To the point, I was actually predicting what you were going to say next.
The part about being the kind of person who ‘isn’t that fussed’ and so often just lets others have their preference, most of the time, really struck a cord with me!!! And yes, it can lead to feeling undervalued.
Being considerate of others, but also expecting the same in return, is the way forward, whoever you are ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Not anymore, Im slowly finding more accepting and or divergent people, even my new boss, it has took 56 yrs though, Im not being glibb about it, its not been easy.
One of my favorite words -- balance. 🙂
And balance is what homeostasis is about. As someone with an overactive sympathetic nervous system, homeostasis is my Holy Grail!
The preferences thing is an uncomfortable topic for me, because while I aspire to be laid back and flexible, I have never been good at doing that - it seems to be how rigid behavior manifests in me, and I’ve seen enough comments on autism channels to conclude that I am not alone in this. I thought of this when an autistic vlogger talked about decorating a Christmas tree with her son, and having to suppress the urge to critique the placement of ornaments. This is an actual example for me as well, even though I know I should not be making it into a thing. And yes, my tendencies this way have created the imbalance you describe in my marriage, and yes it is a big problem.
The best approach I’ve found to date is to stop telling myself I shouldn’t care, and instead accept that I do care but still need to let it go. Still not easy, but better.
The other thing that makes all this hard is probably that I have suppressed a lot of discomfort of varying levels throughout my life. It makes it hard to know my own preferences, much less understand my own needs. I’m gradually trying to recognize some of my own sensory and behavioral preferences, and be guided by those preferences when there’s no reason not to do so. Part of the reason I have not been as accommodating of my wife’s preferences as I need to be has been my unrealized assumption that we needed to do hers or do mine. As I become more aware of things I like that she does not, I’ve become more aware of things that I don’t like. And it is not always necessary for both of us to do the same thing.
I have to say, that last bit has really made me think. I tend to have very weak preferences. When I am alone, it's not like I am paralysed with indecision, but I rarely mind doing something one way or another, which bleeds into my entire life. I definitely need to think harder on how to better express myself and my needs and how to occasionally insist on them or work towards compromises.
This is what annoys me about unmasking.
Some people stop all accommodations for neurotypicals.
If you unmask and drop everything you did to accommodate the others. Then they voice their discomfort around some of the changes, perhaps there is a middle ground talk with them, don't be stubborn. If you did it while masking there has to be a way you can find a stress free alternative that sits in the middle.
Only until they pay back all the accommodation that autistics have had to do for them, this is not an equal scenario. And autistics need the accommodation more as well. If they have 2 legs and you have one, how do they need as much accommodation as you? They shouldnt have accommodation they dont need. That makes it seem like we are asking for things that we should get freely. If I am blind I should get that consideration, it should not be because I paid for it, or did something in return. This is what bothers me. Society doesn't do jack squat for us, and already talking about us having to change for them. That's rich.
Hearing this, and then giving it thought, I realized I have gotten so used to caving to my partner, somewhere down the line, stopped even remembering I HAD preferences! No wonder I'm so drained all the time!!!
For me the word "change" doesn't work. I think of it as "adjusting" as needed. But I will never "change" so much that I'm genuinely being "not-me." But, yes, I can and do adjust, modify, do what's necessary to successfully process the moment, applying whatever "compartments" of myself are most suited to mastering the moment while telling the other "compartments" to just step back and chill out for now, they'll get their chance to "breathe" later. In any case, though, whatever "compartment" of myself is best suited to coping with, processing and handling the situation, it still has to be really me, not such a "change" that it's truly not me, or it's not going to work at all. So, yes, there is an absolute line, and beyond that line I simply have to back out, walk away, say, "Sorry, just not me, not doing this." On the "real me" side of the line, there is a great latitude for flexibility and adjustments; on the "not-me" side of the line, no, nothing is going to happen and there will be zero "adjustment," zero accomodation.
I moulded myself for far too long. It came at great cost to my wellbeing. I don't do that now.
The thing is by honouring myself and my needs and being open and compassionate to myself it reflects into doing the same for others. I'm much happier, I connect with others more easily in a way that energises me instead of draining me and my relationships are much better for everyone.
(Trauma therapy and safe social connections have been essential).
I agree , I didn’t realise my behaviour came across as sooo hyper, intense and extreme. When I asked friends about this, and apologised asking them to please just make a hand signal or something and I won’t be offended, so I’ll get the message and calm down a bit, their response was noooo, you’re really funny and we enjoy who you are. That was the kindest and most flattered I think I’ve ever felt. I was so relieved to hear this because I was just being happy in their company and enjoying the freedom of expression.
NO
Honesty, sincerity, kindness and courtesy are all that is required from anybody.
Respectfully, I don't think the thing with the 50% calculation near the end makes sense. If you reduce strength of feeling to numbers and then put 8/2 on one side versus 6/4 on the other, each totalling 10, then of course they end up with equal scores, because you're ultimately either comparing two 10s or doing a more involved equivalent if it resolves to a 1:1 ratio despite highly disparate inputs. If that result is acceptable, then surely the respective opinions were only considered important enough to be weightless in the calculation. However involved it was, the result is literally equivalent to saying, "What I'd like to do would be hell for you, so that scores a 1; and I don't really care either way about what you'd like to do instead, so that scores a 1. Dude! They're the same! We _should_ put you through hell, a _lot!_ Not that I care!"
The reasons behind the strength of opinion are completely lost in this form, too; as a somewhat extreme example, someone might feel very strongly about something due to associated PTSD (which they may not have mentioned), whereas the other person does not - clearly it'd be very important to consistently avoid retraumatising the first person there. It's not something to frame a whole approach around, but I think informing the split flexibly based on why the other person feels so strongly, or simply the fact of it, rather than on oddly satisfying statistics, is fundamental to being considerate when it's most needed. Situations like this are realistic and do come up, often heavily masked, and the flexibility is not wasted in less extreme scenarios.
Receiving the same consideration is important, but similarly depends on the other person basing decisions that affect you _on_ you, rather than on a sheet they've made that states you actually do have to go to the trumpet festival today because if we turn our feelings into the number 10 and compare them, it turns out they're actually equal, so we each get 50% of what we want whether it's torture or not. I think this framework is too reductive, and a more empathy-based approach (painfully difficult to maintain, indeed) would adhere more realistically to the demands of interpersonal dynamics.
I agree, the spreadsheet approach also felt very reductionist to me. Something I've heard in the past is that relationships inherently cannot be completely fair, because often each person can give and receive different things and in differing amounts, so expecting the exchange to be equal doesn't work.
True, a little bit of give and take is fair.
I’m recently self diagnosed and struggling with this question. Great timing.
Thankyou Paul, when I was a young adult, 30 yrs ago, I would change myself and wear a mask for different people, and it seemed to work. However if a group of people gathered who I knew individually then my head would spin, not knowing which mask to put on. Consequently my mouth would glue closed, and I would become that weird person.
Nowadays I am still trying to find that elusive mask which is my own true self. And yes, still that weird person.
I guess I am an undiagnosed something, but your videos do help.
making compromises for loved ones and trying to understand others: yes, but I find lately more and more that a lot of my struggles come from me letting others tell me ho to do things when they don't understand how I internally work. also since I let my natural gestures come out more I just feel more free and me. only change when it is necessary.
I would say no to toxic people only how to live around them and be careful what you do. But yes to most other people.
The four questions posed at the beginning are four very different questions.
1. Generally speaking, people should not change themselves to "fit in." However, there are other reasons to change yourself, such as compliance with laws and for self-improvement. Having no regard for other people is selfish.
2. Insisting other people accommodate you depends on the nature of the accommodation. Demanding everyone accommodate you and refusing to ever change or compromise to accommodate others is quite selfish.
For example, my autism makes me a very picky eater. If I'm going to event where I doubt the food will be to my liking I will make arrangements to bring or get food that I know I will like, rather than demanding the host accommodate me. If I'm discussing dinner plans with my friends I will put my foot down if it's something I really hate, but if it's a restuarant I can find something okay - like a hamburger - I will compromise on it even though it's not what I'd prefer.
3. Being too rigid about your behavior and thinking isn't just about fitting in. There are other ways a person - neurotypical or neurodivergent - can be narrow-minded to a fault.
4. Yes, you should bother in relationships. We live in a society and it's almost impossible to win at life on single-player mode.
You have NO idea how much this vid meant to me.
I'm currently 36, and STILL trying to navigate the "right" way to function in society, and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
Your advice actually helped me to figure out how to get it working better.
Thank you for being a balanced voice in this conversation.
Thanks for that research and the calculations Paul. I appreciate you sharing this valuable info. ✌🏾✌🏾✌🏾✌🏾👌🏾
My question is, how can I tell whether there’s balance in how much I’m adjusting to others vs asking them to adjust to me? From my end, I feel like socially I’m constantly operating at maximum flexibility. But I’ve heard from others that I act exceedingly consistently across varying social situations and I’m sure people would perceive me as not being very flexible at all in what kinds of social activities work for me. When there’s a lot of distance between the default everyone’s operating under and what works for you, I feel like it’s hard to figure out what’s reasonable to expect both of yourself and of others. I’d be very interested in anyone’s thoughts on this!
I change too much for others, and have only resently started following my prefrences more. I would default to my boyfriends preference, even though he often doesn’t really have a strong preference, but just out of habbit and anxiety.
He majorly supports me in following my own preferences, which is helpfull 👍
I think this gets tricky when you want to improve (change) yourself and you have AuDHD and your partner wants to support your change too and the changes aren’t sticking. And then fallout can happen. I don’t think I come from a place of shame, but more that to achieve my mission in life I have to grown and change.
I have been alive for 48 years. 95% of the time i have been expected to give 95% to 100% while others have given me 0% to 5% back. Even though i often ask less of others than they do of me. Where is the motivation to give something that you never or rarely get in return. And its not just in general. Its with family, romantic relationships, friendships, workplaces and so on.
The "reward" is important.
I give what i recieve. I let the other party make the first move.
If i get nothing i will give nothing.
If i get negativity i will give negativity.
If i get positivity i will give more positivity.
I am not an flexible person. I have tried. Did not work.
Prisoners delima
This video made so much sense for me. Thank you for explaining the people pleasing aspect. Of course it would break down to 50-50 with two people; big relief. I'm going to try to balance the scales now in my interactions with others.
Wowza! This was so powerful. I didn’t realise I was doing it all extreme in one direction or the other until I watched this. I think it’s ruined some relationships. Building up resentment on either side. 😢
Now I want to go back to those failed relationships and declare my special interest in relationships and talk about how all these things happened, and how I want to make it all better now! And totally info dump on someone I haven’t had a deep conversation with in years 🙈🙈🙈🤣🤣🤣🤣
So the moral is should I change because of people prejudices?
See my experience above. Unless your family and friends are Jesus imitators or autism experts... the price might be too high. But I am unsure. I am just sad right now because I thought my dad was a bit like me, and would appreciate my quirkier side. But no. I must mask with him. Even my own dad.
@@summerlake356 just a suggestion, hang out with science fiction fantasy fans (the ones who read, those are the ones I know) or medievalists - in my experience quirk is very much the norm and much appreciated or at least respected. And they are quite used to being the "odd" one (until they found fandom).
The is definitely for however it can be in the way it the to be of course last will be the not
Do aspies have a sync button? These always come at the perfect time. Thank you Paul!
*Should I change myself to fit in?* and *Am I being too rigid?*
If I am asked to change my morals, inner sense of self, my character or knowing what’s the right thing to do, to appease someone else’s distorted and/or uninformed sense of understanding situation - hell no, not doing it!
Also, I simply cannot touch certain objects due to texture sensitivity, be around certain scents, etc., so why would someone want me to do all this and ‘not be rigid’ when it causes me distress?
If I am considering changing certain parts of how I may come across while I am actively trying to establish a connection with another being - then most definitely yes. I have communication challenges in certain areas, while I thrive in others. I can feel and read people’s feelings and emotions very well, but often have problems interpreting written communication and directions, so called ‘mundane’ daily instructions or expectations. I need help with that, in the form of honest feedback from another individual, so I can modify it, as ultimately I want another person to feel well and safe with me and me with them.
People are also too rigid at times because they’re trying to be protective of themselves, drawing from previous experiences when they were uncared for and treated unwell. Perhaps used and deceived or had their feelings used against them. Now they fear new people are trying to get close in order to gain something or take something away from them. So, yes, being too rigid in this way will rob you from potential warm and genuine connection, but also let’s give some grace to people who behave in this manner, as there is usually a good reason for that.
In addition, being too rigid when your physical and mental functioning are at stake, is more than okay. I don’t see that someone obviously physically disabled would be advised to change their ‘rigidity’ just to bend those boundaries a bit. When they simply can’t and/or it would be beyond unsafe to do so.
*Should I insist that other people accommodate me?*
I don’t think anyone is obliged to accommodate me in any way except when legally required - like at work or at the doctor’s. Or occasionally if we are close, which is rare, as I don’t feel close to almost anyone. Others say they feel close to me, but I don’t share that sentiment. I feel a lot and deeply, but prefer to keep to myself. My last attempt to get close to someone was both very genuine and disastrous in how it ended. I believe both of us are good people into our hearts, and both have communication issues & many soul wounds. We have a lot in common, including Autism, both are sensitive and complicated, but didn't give enough grace and safety to each other.
Otherwise, if people want to accommodate me, great, but if they don't, great too! I am used to self reliance and being hurt and being stabbed in an open heart more times than I care to remember.
*Should I bother trying relationships?*
Gottman also wrote in that same book you mentioned, that there are 4 Horsemen of Relationship Apocalypse in relationships:
criticism,
defensiveness,
contempt, and
stonewalling
When these four occur relationships fall apart - any kind of relationship, romantic or non-romantic.
One thing I am working on right now is speaking my truth and enforcing my own boundaries in real-time (and explaining to people why I have them, instead of just blowing up at them), while simultaneously trying to give safety and grace to others and honor their boundaries - trying to imagine how certain situation looks from their perspective and what needs they might have rather than get mad at them if they don’t react the way I think they ought to. This is very difficult, but I am making small progress daily.
I find it interesting that at the beginning you say we ask ourselves if we should change ourselves if others seem not to try to accept the ‘real’ us? But I would say that before that condition is met, others actually have to have interest in getting to know that ‘real’ you in the first place. Which takes time and context. I find this is not the case way too often. People think they know you based on limited interaction with you at work, or based on writing messages with you, or they project their old past hurt onto you thinking you are out there to get them while that might not have to do anything with how you are and your intentions.
Thank you. I strongly relate to your statement.
@@aftonair You're welcome. I'm glad it resonates. I didn't think anyone would bother to read such a long post.
I have so many “myselves” , I just gotta figure out which myself to be.
Hmmmm... after this I feel greatly out of balance in most of my relationships... also I absolutely detest changing for others when my choice to change for others is not optional.
Thank you for your wonderful videos. If, in a relationship, one person generally has really strong preferences and one person generally only has mild preferences, it seems most likely that the % of decisions will be in the strong preference person's favor. It would be unlikely to be 50/50 because it will take work that the mild preference person may not feel regularly motivated to do based on their mild preference. If a person generally has strong preferences, they may be more likely to 'push' to get their way.
Really great insights. Thanks!
This was very helpful.
Thanks for making this video it's a difficult subject that really points to the Crux of the problem. I think that this particular topic applies to everyone and not just the neurodivergent community, learning to live with others and finding your own voice while respecting other's preferences is it difficult issue. I think what you miss however is that the issue the neurodivergent community struggles all too often are people who take issue that we are different and not just that we have different preferences that we need to push on others
My story, I almost always accommodate others needs and I usually have weak preferences so I end up doing what others do. I started somehow working on it but still it’s hard to verbalise my needs or to even be fully aware of them. I often feel like something is not ok but I can’t say what is this exactly
Very interesting and good to keep in mind
NO! Don't do it - it'll only make you unhappy and the people you're changing for couldn't give fig. I learned a long time ago that it only makes me miserable. I'll watch the video now.
The interesting thing is how much of a camelean I was as an undiagnosed for all my life naturally and I see so many of us are
If something really bothers me, i will say it, but i will also let the other person decide if the trigger is being taken away or not.
As hard as it sounds, neurotypicals have to adapt and change all the time. It's part of making an effort to give as much as you get for colleagues, family and friends. Just because someone is neurodivergent it doesn't mean they shouldn't adapt and I would say that neurodivergent people are some of the most considerate and adaptable people in the community .
AC and sensory issues is funny because I'm just the opposite.... I hate when it's too hot. I need my AC in the summer.
No. You shouldn’t change yourself.
Masking is necessary to get through certain situations, but it’s not sustainable.
We need to embrace ourselves as we are and accept the fact that we are a minority in this world.
Have respect for yourself and create a life that is healthy for your wellbeing. Even if that means cutting ties with people you have known for a long time
based
I think a little bit of modifications for others is fine, but judging by many of us having such black and white thinking that's a tough thing to do. But generally losing yourself in the sea of things is worse than anything else
No your work shouldn't accommodate you.
I don't think we would accept this answer.
Everyone changes some for others.
@@limsalalafells Sometimes your work should accommodate you and sometimes they shouldn't. It depends on the situation.
@@Catlily5 sorry wording of it is unclear.
I mean, if your work/friends/family just flat out refuse to accommodate any of your needs because it means changing themselves.
It would be unacceptable.
Accommodations often mean accepting something that makes people uncomfortable. Rocking, tapping, flapping, repeating, and horrible eye contact makes people uncomfortable. Yet it is reasonable for them to overcome this mild discomfort.
Everyone should change some to make others more comfortable when it doesn't cause undue strain.
Short and simple answer: No!
As a person with ADHD and Autism I am always expected to change and/or adapt while most neurotypicals to nothing or way to little in return.
By adapting och changing who I am forces me to lie. I dont like to lie. Especially to myself. I rather not lie than to lie to fit in. I really cant be fake even if i want to. Less so if someone forces me to be fake. Because that is the main thing. Not being yourself is to be fake and lie to yourself and others. Thats seems to be a neurotypical trait. One i cant understand nor support.
Its also hard to find valid reasons to fit in considering how the neurotypical world have been treating you. To show that fakeness to neurotypicals just because they feel uncomfortable. The demands and expectations neurotypicals puts on neurodiversity are things that never gets returned.
Edit:
The neurotypical needs to take the first step if i am to even consider changing my stance.
This.
One person's rigidity is another person's ... truth? Authenticity? Purity? Since I was 3, I've rejected much of the world which didn't measure ip. There are pockets of tolerance.
Hey 👋🏻 Dr. I hope you well. I’m mastewal I have 2 kids none verbal but I can’t speak English limit that is my problem
I love the spreadsheet idea and I want to see it! I have a lot of questions: formula? I see there could be different types of outputs in terms of what the 'balance' is, and I am trying to guess what you specifically represented there. I would guess its something like, authenticity, self-expression, or satisfaction? But what units do you represent those in? I am truly just a curious nerd, I feel like this comment might read as like a sarcastic trolling thing but it's totally not. I just really like science, and all your emotional intelligence content (that I have seen so far), and am always wanting to visualize the math of things.
i came to the comments for this. genuinely so curious about the calculations
@@Carlton_ofMilk love the screen name
There has to be a good sized handful of us in this crowd who want to visualize the stuff and science it up, right?
No im not changing anything
I thought this was gonna be a dumb video.
It was not.
Thank you.
It seems I have to change myself for others all the time.
NO! Don't do it - it'll only make you unhappy and the people you're changing for couldn't give fig. I learned a long time ago that it only makes me miserable. I'll watch the video now. No No disagree totally - not even a little bit.
🌻
adapt strategically according to ranked values and your community. ie avoid conservatives [idealogues on left and right] who refuse to change. Markets are rule bound games. Strategies approach a Nash equilibrium. No... its not vague maybes. Its a wordless negotiation via a series of small compromises
What kind of political spectrum are you using that refers to extreme leftists as conservatives?
@@jlillera psychosocial one. Risk averse, conformist, authoritarian etc. Conservatism and liberalism are not only political. A lot of the trad left worships tradition. It might not be something people outside the scene notice
@@kimcosmos The terminology usually used for that is authoritarian, in contrast anarcho.
What traditions do you see the left as worshiping? (Not necessarily disagreeing with you. I've never heard someone express this view so I'm trying to better understand your argument.)
How would you your system describe someone like me? My longstanding mindset (summed up by someone I met in college better than I ever could have) is "Always act as if you are right, but never stop questioning whether you are wrong." My personality is very conservative, but not traditionalist. My politics are half on the left, half on the right. Leftists hate me because I want to legislate morality; rightists hate me because I don't want to legislate traditional morality. I'm pro-abortion and pro-death penalty; in favor of universal health care and stricter immigration.
I did not say the left are conservative, you did. I said there are conservatives on the left and right. Tankies are real, but its not all the left. Left imperialism is obvious right now in Syria Ukraine and Israel. Trump for example is a radical isolationist as compared to old fashioned republicans. Beware of using terms in the american way. Thats not how the rest of the world uses the same terms. Always acting as if you are right is not conservative, its just opinionated. You are prescriptive. @@jliller
@@jliller anarchists primary complaint with the rest of the left is authoritarianism. It split the first 2 workers internationls. Within anarchism itself there is a large post left anarchism movement due to the older anarchist traditions saying other forms of anarchism are counter revoluionary.
Worshipping? The labor theory of value, conflation of common pool and club enterprise with the public. Leninism, Maoism etc, Traditional songs. For example "the union makes us strong" vs "our union we are strong". Unity instead of solidarity etc. Of course the bipolar divide is mich bigger in the USA due to a century of propagands. Its the country where the prefix a means anti instead of non unlike the rest of the english speaking world
THANK YOU for pointing out the black and white thinking, which is so damaging.
Listening to your video makes it clear how complicated real life, not idealized, is.
I most of the time do not know what to do. Where the boundaries are.
I have a tendency to think that being the odd one makes it legit for me to change. It is logical that the world works best for neurotypical people. It is logical for others to expect « normal » behavior from us without knowing. That said yes if we do not let us be a little, we’ll be consumed. This is where the disability comes in. Yes there is a penalty for not being normal (in a statistical sense). This applies to everything else (IQ, height, weight, …). We are a gregarious species. Hence all the group and social stuff. Double edged sword. Helps us survive and helping each others. But it comes with an « immune system » like aspect to it, making any stranger fought against. We are strangers. Like viruses we must display enough normality to be allowed in this vast body. We are part of this living stuff and essential to it. Our traits are important to the species. Hence here we still are. The traits propagate and sometimes yield to more different individuals like us. Nothing good or bad about it, just the way things work and are. Life is hard and there is no single golden rule to apply. It depends on the people around you. Good luck guys. Most of us are full of empathy and are rational, hence I’m sure we can find our place.
It is one thing to have to fit into a group of people.
But one on one there can be more negotiation.
@@Catlily5yes you’re right
Interesting. I had the opposite problem, I can't tolerate heat well, my A/C is running at home even in winter. I twice worked in the offices with women, who loved toasty temperatures (for some reason it's always women). I was miserable, not able to concentrate on my work. I tried to lower A/C temperature, which caused their complaints. In the end I simply quit. In my view, people who feel cold should be more accommodating, because they can always add warm clothes. You can't go in the other direction though.
Paul is not a woman. So it is not always women.
@@Catlily5 😂I'm only speaking about my experience.
@@USGrant21st Fair enough!
@@Catlily5 I really didn't mean to offend anybody. I have AS myself, I might not have an immediate sense how my posts sound to other people.
@@USGrant21st I thought that you were making a general statement about women. If you are speaking about your experiences then I have no problem with your comment.
Thank you for some useful insights.
{^_^}
I think that mathematical model is flawed. As much as I love mathematical models, I don't think that models social situations well. If there's something I'm 60/40 on, I'll probably give it to the other person most of all of the time so that I can then insist on something where I'm 90/10 most or all of the time, and it becomes a give and take, which ends up maximizing utility more, and still seems fair.
00:01 Yes, you should. Start changing. Right way.
You shouldn't have to change yourself for others because you are you. I tried that, and I ended up looking ridiculous. You focus on what you want, not what others want you to be like. You can change yourself for yourself. I was taught you don't change yourself for others. I wouldn't listen to those who think I should change for them. I am selfless, so I would do what others would like me to do if they would like me to do something with them.
*".bruh, would like to donate you some well-earned money, why no paypal?"*
Are you familiar with Cassandra Syndrome?
NO absolutely not. Be who the hell you are.
Adapt or die. It’s the law of nature, unfortunately.
The thing is, everyone needs to change or put on a front, autistic or not.
Sadly thats how the world goes round. I hate acting but sometimes its needed.
Not to the same extent. Neurotypicals mask but they are closer to average. Autistics have to change more.
I agree, although it really hurts me and I can't seem to be able to accept it at this point in my life, I feel intense anger and sadness thinking I can't be accepted as my true self🥲❤ Anyway, I hope what I'm about to say won't be offensive or invalidating to anyone🫶, but tbh I feel like some autistic people are still liked by at least some people and even if it's a constant struggle, they are able fit in to some degree without masking, people like funny quirky people(I know it's a stereotype, please read till the end) even if they're different and even if they seem "weird" at first, "being funny" is entertaining to them, so they get something out of the interaction and in return they will at least partially accept a certain type of autistic people(the ones they deem as entertaining) for who they are. So this makes it easier for them to say that it's worth not changing at all, but for example, I'm not the "funny and quirqy" kind of person, I am actually extremely reserved and considered the most boring person alive in each group I tried to integrate in the past. Literally no one's ever gonna like me if I don't change, trust me, I'm not exagerating, these are just facts. So unfortunately being myself is not an option and it feels really invalidating when people that have friends and partners and don't know what it's like to be completely rejected by society just say "be yourself", yeah...I think I tried that and no one likes my presence.😢
when you realize that being anything other than yourself is absurd, and impossible. A tree can't be anything else than a tree. How you think or how you act doesn't change who you actually are. The easiest way to know what that is is just be how you are without applying any resistance to it or judging it. What is your natural way, how do you act by yourself. However wrong you or others may think that is, the logical fact remains that it is still you. What is can never be wrong, a tree isn't wrong, water isn't wrong, a bird isn't wrong, even a disease isn't wrong by its very existence. So why go against nature and ask something to be something other than what it is. If anything that is the fault, not you. I think if you do this whoever is meant to like you will, who is not won't. But I think it's important that you accept yourself, rather than wait forever to become something you/others like, which even then will be a forced attempt at change. I'm not saying we can't improve things we actually want to, like getting better at something, but that's different and very possible. It may feel bad to not be liked or be alone, but I think the resistance against accepting self/accepting how others react will just keep you unhappy.