I always felt the need to be the funny "eccentric" one in the group, to get people to laugh with me rather than at me, to find me quirky and interesting rather than just "weird." It worked for a long time, but it gets to be exhausting
yeah I just embraced being weird in highschool. I did this at home and at school. With it being a joke i could do some movements that probably are stims without it seeming weird. Instead I was just joking and made some friends out of it. The problem is when you can‘t be weird due to your environment you are just screwed.
I used to do that too when I was working. So they would see my "weird" personality as not my real self. Though it didn't lasted long, since I didn't know about my autism back then, and they thought my difficulties were me being harsh or stupid.
It's exhausting because it's a kind of masking. If you're just being yourself, and people find that charmingly eccentric, and you're okay with that, then it works. But feeling exhausted is a sign that its become a performance and is no longer a natural expression. Part of what makes masking so mentally tiring, is having to consciously pantomime your own emotions to make them readable to others, instead of trusting your natural behavior to be clear. Playing a character role in your social group is the same thing, plus the additional effort to twist or modulate certain aspects of yourself to better fit the role. That is exhausting!
@@davidenos1277 I have a new job which is like torture for sensory issues: 6 fluorescent tubes above my head, stuck on a machine, my muscles spasm, my eyes hurt, etc. Now my body is keeping me awake at night from the stress and anxiety of being trapped in a horrible uncomfortable environment, that makes me want to chew my way out of my body. I think i have adhd too, or just cptsd or autism, either way, it’s making me suicidal now, the sleep deprivation is the last straw. I watch documentaries with people who suffered massive burns that destroyed their bodies, yet they somehow don’t feel like dying even though they must be much more uncomfortable and in pain than I am. I try to tell myself, if they can do it, so can I. But I really can’t take it anymore, I’m at the end of my rope and can’t get any help in the uk from the NHS. I self medicate with cannabis, if I wasn’t, I would be most certainly dead, it’s the only thing that can dull the hideous body horror I am trapped in and makes it just about bearable. But where I live (Shetland Island) you can’t get cannabis, the police blocked my parcels in the post. It’s like hell. I just want to be able to go to work and sleep and not want to die all the time.
I have taken this strategy to the utmost by living as a nomad. We lived all over the world growing up and then at 18 I set off on my own travels. I find my "weirdness" is way more "interesting" when I'm from somewhere else and before the problems start to reveal themselves, or my mask slips, I'm gone! It's much more socially acceptable to be strange when you're a stranger! 😂
I feel like this video was made after reading the book of my life. Never felt so comfortable as when I was in foreign countries and was accepted because I was expected to be different. In my 50s now and even until recently the messages in my head told me, "If they see who I really am, they won't like me"....because growing up that was, more often than not, the case. Recognizing how CPTSD and Autism have formed me and finding a life partner who does accept me for who I am has finally started to put a dent in that inner voice's message...or at least given me a "yes, I'm different and if they don't like it, that's their loss" counter-message.
This! Finding a life partner who accepts me has been completely life-changing for me. I still worry some what others think, but I also know that regardless of what others think, my "home" is with someone who accepts me for me 100%
Yes, all of this resonates for me. I'm also in my 50s, and now starting to really appreciate who I am. Having a supportive partner is essential, as is understanding how my brain works.
Thank you so much for writing this. life is hard sometimes right now and I'm told people like us lot lives are more like to completely full apart in are old years. This has given me so much Hope, thank you truly for that, have a blessed one
To my surprise I burst into tears when you got to the part about being more comfortable around women. I am a woman and have always found it more comfortable to talk to guys. Like you said, I am not expected to be the same as the opposite sex, and I guess that takes alot of the pressure off. I have never been excited about the same things or to the degree that other women are about some things. It becomes awkward. I just don't show the same level of emotion even if I do somewhat feel it. I am a 57 year old who just realized this year that she is on the spectrum. What a revelation!!
I had the same reaction as a man. I always had friendships and friendly acquaintances with women rather than men, whenever I was around men it was like they would lapse into some kind of dude-code that I had a hard time following and living up to. I still get bad social anxiety interacting with men, and especially single-gender social groups of men.
This struck a chord with me. I've always been more comfortable around women since it seemed like I could relax and not play the "alpha male" role. Ironically because I became quite good at martial arts.
One of the reasons I think I am 38 and just realizing that I’m autistic is because I’ve spent most my adult life in a country I didn’t grow up in. I’m German so being an adult in America I am given lots of “passes”. “Oh she’s direct because she is German.Shes not trying to be rude.” I also recently realized why I feel most comfortable around my husband’s family. I am white and he is black. I can be my quirky self most around them. They live in the south and don’t interact much on a deep level with white people so there are zero expectations on me. So freeing. I am a woman and much prefer being around men. I find women more difficult to navigate and all my female friends are either neurodivergent or much older than me. Include me while I’m different is perfect! Well said!
As a Jazz musician (often playing Blues and R&b circles) I've often noticed this myself. In some scenarios where herd conformists (who regardless of race) can be assholes ("New School" Rap & Hip-Hop scenes I can't handle, neither can I handle most Rock or C& W settings either), I often experienced some allowance of being different in the Black community. Among many and awareness of the similarities between Racism and Ableism. With some Toxic individuals, I can be seen as the "Safe White Target" for those with unchecked anger issues, that have been the victims of abuse from White Authority Figures like the Police, Employers, Racist White Coworkers, Political Figures Etc., but that is not always the case.
In China people keep asking, when are you flying home? Don't you miss home? WTF, do you want me out of your country or something? Home is where you're at. Why can't you enjoy living in foreign countries, why must everyone be rushing back to their parents house?
I always casually say "home" to mean "the place I intend to sleep tonight" or sometimes "to hang out with my brother". I really identify with Anakin's line in Attack of the Clones: "I never had a home growing up. Home was always where my mom was". I also travel a lot and am a military brat, so I would always have felt like a foreigner anyway.
I have been doing this my whole life! I've found that people of other cultures, races, etc., are more accepting of my quirks because they know what it feels like to be discriminated against due to an aspect of themselves they cannot change.
I feel this way also. I am more at home among Indians than any other group. Many people find it weird and even have a problem with it but I have a problem with their disapproval. They have the problem, not me. You are right that it seems to be natural because these people know what it’s like to be discriminated against and ostracized. I feel like they understand what it’s like to be excluded because of differences. America is not as welcoming as we would have everyone believe. Also I have another idea which is that sometimes things are normal in other cultures that we do and our own culture judges us poorly for it. Have you ever seen a cultural practice that is accepted and you are like, “ Yes! That’s totally what I feel comfortable doing! I must have found my people”
Yes I do relate. I think I've done a version of this for most of my life. Also, I love what you said. - "Don't force me to fit in. Include me while I'm different." That is what I've wanted my entire life. Thanks for saying it.
I have often felt drawn to leadership roles and I think this is because of how I am allowed to be different if I'm the one in charge. No one usually questions the quirks of their supervisor.
Oh, they question the quirks - and often mock them behind your back. They just don't directly try to bully you because you are in a position of power over them. Beware - with power comes the resentment of subordinates to that power, and a desire for revenge. This dynamic is at play regardless of whether your're nuerotypical or not. We auties tend to be naieve in this regard, and your comment is a perfect reflection of this. I know all of this because when I was younger I was in leadership positions, and believed those I led respected me because of thier lower status in the organizational hierarchies. Some did, but some didn't. My social blindness always led to problems, and still does in group settings, leader or not.
Yes! That's another strategy. The question is, how to get people to recognize your expertise and follow you? It seems even knowing more, you're often overlooked, like your voice doesn't matter.
@@avocado405 yea, well, workplaces are all private dictatorships. Unless you work in the public sector. Then it's a public dictatorship disgiused as a democratically governed workplace. The best you can hope for is a benevolent dictator (boss) directly above you, and enlightened upper management. Regardless, all workplaces are tyrannical to some extent. They hold your survival in their hands in America. Food and shelter are not human rights in America. It's a very hard place for the autistic. Unless you are a STEM nerd. STEM autists are useful to the US war industry and high technology industry in general. They'll put up with you as long as you help them kill and maim poor brown people overseas for profit it seems....
That's blown my mind a bit. I am 51 years old and I've been doing this my entire life and I have only just realised it after watching this. My autistic superpower as a kid was the ability to assimilate tunes and play them on various instruments after only hearing them once. When I ran away from home at the age of 14, this is what kept me alive. Now I have realised that it wasn't just that I could scrape a living playing music, it was also the fact that musicians are naturally far more diverse than most groups. I have played music with people of all ages, from all countries, from all political and religious backgrounds and always been warmly accepted because of my ability to mimic and mirror whatever music they played. Whenever I have been in a group with people of similar age and background, I am always on the outside, feeling awkward, not getting jokes, missing non-verbal cues and so forth. I try to be sociable and join in, but I don't really know how and the people I try to join often ignore me and gradually move away, leaving me feeling foolish and wondering what I did wrong.
I too am on the spectrum and in my 50's. I was pretty happy at college a few years ago, even though I was much older than most. I was studying art and the culture is a little more accepting of diversity and quirks.
“Don’t force me to fit in, include me while I’m different” It means to stop pushing yourself to fit in to groups of people who don’t include you, look for a group you identify yourself with, or a group that accepts different people (they’re probably more diverse because of that.)
I have totally done this without realizing it. I can get pretty uncomfortable in groups where it feels like I’m “supposed” to be similar to everyone else around. I have never made a work friend because I get a ton of anxiety about there being pressure to fit in. I wind up not saying much to people unless it’s work related.
I am 65 and I now realize that I have Autism. I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia for the last 35 years and am on heavy medications. I now realize that I am Autistic not Schizophrenic. Your videos have been a game changer for me. I am a Veteran and have a Bachelors degree but never felt good about myself. I feel like a foreigner in America.
Thank you for your service William. I was misdiagnosed with bipolar and realizing I’m actually autistic was groundbreaking for my mental health. I hope your journey helps you heal and feel better towards yourself.
I'm so sorry that happened and lasted for so long. I felt I was misdiagnosed so I refused to take medicine. After private diagnosis I was still misdiagnosed in public health "care" so I stopped seeing. Yet I need professional health but it feels too difficult. I hope you receive all the proper care you are entitled to. Be proud this is good idea from the video to try to identify with both your service and your education. They are yours. I can totally relate to feeling as if in void and deattached from my accomplishments as if they are floating in void totally unrelated to me. They belong to us! Let us embrace the good from the past and restore our self worth to a normal level. Lord knows we need it. And you are specially deserving, your country owes to you forever!
YES, I (subconsciously) used the foreigner strategy for about three years of my life. I was an English language teacher in Lithuania. Of course, all I knew at the time was that I finally had some meaningful friendships in my life. My sense of rejection from my home culture (Canada) was so powerful, I thought I never wanted to come home. If my life had gone the way I wanted back then, I'd still be there. But I broke my leg slipping on an icy sidewalk in Vilnius and had to come home. It's very helpful to me to have a proper understanding of that era in my life, to look back at myself as an undiagnosed autistic person trying desperately to fit in somewhere in the world. This video was really great and I liked hearing your thoughts on this subject. I will watch again.
Same with me. I had the chance to live in Brazil when I was little. I learned Portuguese quickly and got along very well with my new friends there. I still relate better to Brazilians than I do to Americans, not entirely because Brazilians are arguably warmer and more friendly, but because of the novelty of an American coming to them and showing an appreciation of their culture is something that gratifies them very much
My foreigner strategy is always working for female bosses (I'm male). With male bosses, moving through the culture dynamics was so awkward and resulted in so many wrong communications, that I found it very hard to move forward without masking so intensely and extensively that it stressed my mental and emotional health. Female bosses, generally, were more flexible about personal style and better at separating my work performance from my aptitude for group bonding.
I am female and prefer working with groups of men. For me that meant IT. It was not to get any kind of special favors or attention. It was to avoid some of the conversations women have about fashion, entertainment and yep…about men/relationships.
Now imagine if you were an attractive female....your options are male bosses sexually harassing and acting like they want to have sex with you, or female bosses who hate you for having the audacity to be more hot & more awkward/socially inept.
Brilliant, thank you! I tried so hard to fit in. But always ostracized or laughed at, except when interacting with other cultures, fellow travelers, and children! I suffer from excess cheerfulness, when trying to fit in. So heck with that, I'll just mix with my local Hispanic community. They will accept me. They always smile back. ☺️ I can teach them English and maybe they can teach me mariachi violin. 🎻
Add foreign languages to the mix, so that if something comes out wrong and it ends up offending someone, it’s the language’s fault, not the lack of social skills, and there you have it, it’s me. I feel like that strategy takes so much load off of being different. There’s this obvious reason why you stand out (age, nationality, etc.) and you can count on the fact that others will attribute to that whatever they see in you as unusual. The funny thing is you don’t stop being unusual, people don’t stop noticing it, but since they have a ‘reason’ for those traits and it’s not one with prejudice tied to it, they’re like: cool.
Yes, I literally did this. I am born and raised in the Netherlands and I came over here in the ninetees. I kind of stayed here, and still have an accent, so people see me as the foreigner with the interesting accent and different habits.
Listening to this is kind of like hearing someone else express my own thoughts. I moved abroad but also have finally realized that I feel the best in a culturally diverse environment. Not just another country, but a very mixed one. Being abroad but looking similar to the locals has made me feel even more uncomfortably different than before. I'm just pretty off in ways they can't put their finger on. They stare, in my face too, which is awful. I hope to move to a very international city soon, where everyone looks and acts different and its ok😊
This has been my strategy my whole life. In fact I love living abroad and only recently discovered that was in large part because being an expat freed me from the burdens of NT societal conventions. If I’m busy translating into a different language (that’s learnable and has a guidebook and it’s understandable that I’m not good yet - unlike trying to speak NT) no one expects me to adhere to all of the unwritten rules that are such a difficulty in regular life.
It works in the short term and when you're young, once you've been in the country a decade or two or three, you get older, people still identify you as "different" and you find yourself with the same problems as you would have in your "original" country (if that means anything, if you grew up abroad too, it's worth reading up on third-culture kid advice). Plus if you are running from PTSD too... you need to do the deeper mental health work and be honest with yourself. You can't run from yourself. And yes I tick all 3 of those boxes.
I agree, the foreign strategy helps to interact with people, it solves the problem on the outside but autism is something that is going to be there no matter who you are with. This strategy is just a role play. Autism is much deeper than that. I think it works for people who are socially awkward, but autism is more than that (I am formally diagnoses btw)
Exactly, it just worked a couple of years for me, it was all going great at first. It's been 4 years now and I'm drowning like I was 5 years ago back at my home country
i find it works for *finding* friends really well (or working in groups short term) and then over time they learn to accept you as you and not whatever excuse you have for being different. it works a lot better as a way to psych yourself up too
Very interesting, my whole life I feel like I've done the opposite. I've created so many different masks to fit in with various groups that sometimes I'm not sure what my real personality is like. And it also requires a ton of mental energy to maintain a mask without any break. I've found that it becomes very hard to keep up the facade if I don't get a chance to recharge by being alone in my comfort zone, and when my mask falls away, it can be horrifically stressful to feel like my real self is being exposed. This foreigner idea sounds so refreshing, I hope I am able to incorporate it into my life.
I remember finding a blog post about this when I was a teenager and I didn't understand why it resonated so much (it was framed as a tool for introversion, not autism). Now I get it!
For me when I finally found myself In a workspace of *aussie women my own age* is when I found out I am autistic.....before that I was the only Aussie or the youngest or the oldest or just around animals or kids......glaring now it all makes sense 🤔
Nicely put! I also use the"ON STAGE" strategy, for example, if I'm separated by physical space, behind the bar or counter or even in uniform, and I'm the perceived 'expert' I feel more comfortable I relate to 'standing out to fit in' as a lifestyle. Thank you.
Everything you said clicked with me. I moved from Aus to Hong Kong 14 years ago and only discovered I was on the spectrum this year. It’s funny to think how we naturally develop these similar strategies.
Exactly! As an autistic American female living in Thailand (been in S.E. Asia since 2011), I recently realized that one reason I am more accepted over here is because people expect me to be different and they like me anyway. They want to learn from me the same way I am fascinated by their languages and cultures (special interests of mine) and want to learn from them.
Wow! This explains why when I was a child and we were visiting relatives, I always sat at the table with adults instead of playing with my cousins. I even started drinking coffee at a really young age as an excuse (I was under 10 yeas old, yikes). I also had a lot of friends who were the opposite gender. I'm discovering that the only friends I could keep that were the same gender as me, turned out to be neurodivergent too lol.
I had the same experiences. Identical, only that I have never been diagnosed. Just found out that I might be auADHD, I fit the bill perfectly. Finally my life makes sense!!
I was doing it my whole my life, so I am glad I am not the only one :) I was born and lived most of my life in Poland, but have always been feeling the most comfortable in international communities or foreign countries. When I was 21, I left for the Philippines for one year on an EU volunteer program, because I was feeling depressed and I wanted to go as far as possible, to an environment different as possible from the environment I knew. I remember that when I told a psychologist I was seeing at the time that one of the reasons I decided to go, was because I struggled socially here, she told me I was being unreasonable. Like, "you struggle socially here, so you want to move to a country where people speak a different language and have a completely different culture"?! Intuitively I knew that I was making a right move, although at that time I wasn't able to give a logical explanation why did I decide to do it. Sure, I struggled there socially as well, but it was much easier for me to navigate in an international environment of our volunteer group and our Filipino friends than it was for me in Poland. After I came back I started to travel a lot (and meet people while travelling), spending a lot of time around Japanese community in Poland and now I am living in Japan. I feel like here, since I am obviously a foreigner and I am treated like one, it is easier for me to navigate social life.
I've never fit anywhere. I have no diagnosis, but I'm sure I have a mental health thing that makes me different than the rest. living abroad helped me loads to understand and accept diversity. Great experience to help my self confidence. thanks, great video. and lovely eye expression, congrats!!
This resonates a lot with me. The most comfortable I've been is either when I was overseas or in groups with a large amount of diversity. I've also had better success making friends with people who were either significantly older. Trying to fit in is exhausting. I've reached a point where trying mask with people who are supposed to be my friends feels so fake so.much like living a lie. Id rather be as you said accepted while being different.
Due to work, I moved to the rural US during a politically volatile time. I saw in real-time as “strategy” described in this video caught locals by surprise. Because of my appearance, (and the news at the time) they expected me to be against them. instead, when faced with the curious , nonjudgmental interest of a foreigner, they became sweet and open, sharing their feelings and hospitality.
This is brilliant! I never fit in with my peers and often spent most time with people older than myself or foreign students (while in school). This makes so much sense. I actually like my differences, at least until being around others reminds me that I don’t fit in.
That's pretty much my experience too! When I was in college I spent a lot of time hanging out with the foreign students. Partly that was due to circumstances, but also I felt more at home with them than with most of my fellow Americans because I'd always felt a little bit like a foreigner in my own country.
Oh my gosh I completely relate to this. I used to go abroad a lot on my own, went to the same town in Spain mostly. When I first started going, the people out there were so welcoming and interested in me and invited me to lots of events. But the more I went and the more familiar I became, the more distant I felt from the same people
Travelling in North Africa on my own as a woman I had a similar experience, local people didn't understand how I was able to do this, as it's only starting to become acceptable, and were interested in why and what my life was like. This video was extremely valuable, lots of ideas fell into place, things that I had a feeling about but never got round to ...
I am a type 4 on the Enneagram, otherwise known as the "artist" or "individualist." Type fours are known for fixating on what makes them special and different, both mourning and taking pride in their uniqueness. I have always felt the ache of loneliness and feeling like an outsider, and I suppose I formed a sort of pride around that as a coping mechanism. Oddly enough, I still had a friend group that I look back on fondly. While many of us were in the closet about a variety of things, we were a diverse group with a couple interests in common that helped us stick together. My friends never bullied me as different and in fact defended me, nor did they ever bully our diagnosed autistic classmates. I'm only now realizing how they might have also felt like the odd ones out.
Your observation about praise received when wearing a mask was very astute. I've always found it difficult to accept praise, even though my life is "successful" in many ways. I do tend to mask quite heavily, or did (working on changing that).
I identify with ADHD and I identify with your experiences I was always the weird one but was a migrant in OZ and was probably how I was seen Yes, I had mainly female friends but struggled in the dating scene I am an engineer and felt most comfortable in foreign lands I have never been diagnosed, I am only watching these videos because my eldest has been diagnosed with both and is really struggling at school Thank you for what you are doing here
Wow i'm blown away! You just put words on some situations I've felt the most at ease. I've never felt better than when I'm travelling and meeting a group of people from all around the globe! At one point, I wanted to go live abroad, but deep down, I knew I was just trying to escape from a deeper issue. I would end up feeling the same anywhere I eventually build a life at. I couldn't be a nomad all my life, nor did I want to. It also makes me think of a time I was backpacking Mexico with my sister. We met with a group of people that my sister liked a lot. I liked them too, but for some reason, I couldn't be myself around them. I was very anxious and I was wearing a mask. Then, we met with another group of French people. I'm French Canadian, so we spoke the same langage. I felt so at ease with them. I would even go as far as farting in front of them lol. But yeah, maybe the fact that we were the odd one out (being Canadian and having a Québec accent) made me feel more like myself. In the first group, I felt like I had to perform in a way. Maybe they were all neurotypical lol. I'm also looking back at my teenage years. I would hang out a lot with boys. And recently, I wondered "maybe I was a pick me?". But actually, I think i felt comfortable because I was the odd one out. I also love being with people of color, gays, trans people. I've always felt left out with those who are considered to be like me, so I kinda gravitate towards people that are different. I love sharing about their life, their culture, their soul. I feel like conversations are so much deeper.
Ooh this is so interesting! Like many other people I found out while watching this video that I had been using this exact strategy for a very long time, ever since I was an adult. I have traveled for about 13 years, never staying in the same place for more than 3 years in a row. I confirm as well, the limitations can easily be overcome if you find a niche group with a particular interest. I would also add it's also easier to fit in a group of people who themselves don't fit in.That is why I decided to make my career into the arts where there is a very large diversity of people who mostly don't fit in. Anyways great advice!
You just showed me why I managed to feel happy in the group situations I felt happy in in my life while usually being uncomfortable in group settings as a neurodivergent person.
You have just summed up my entire life! Always hung out with the opposite gender, people much older than me, people from other countries. Always had quirky/strange hobbies and interests. Then myself moved from NZ to the UK... I've always felt it was easier to fit in here because I'm excused over not knowing all the rules, and can be accepted as someone a little different and interesting. Thank you for this video!
I experienced this when I went to germany in college. I felt so much more accepted as a foreigner than I did at home, that I stayed and did my undergrad degree in its entirety and ultimately ended up emigrating entirely. My experience in the US has never been as socially accepting.
since finding out I am autistic two years ago, i understood why I felt a feeling of "home" for the first time ever when I went to live with an Ecuadorian family, and I'm from England. I accidentally did the foreigner strategy and it totally messed me up for years when I returned to my actual home which wasn't home to me at all, even more so.
Yup, did this my whole life and enjoy the experience. I do enjoy being the odd one out and fully embrace it (after the diagnosis anyway, which answered soooo many questions I had). This is probably what led to my love of traveling and meeting different cultures. Not interested in taking pictures of things everyone else takes pictures of or following the tourist trail but interested in the energy and vibe of a place, understanding how people live in such places, what do they feel and think etc. In my own country, I developed a back story of being an immigrant from a foreign place to help me fitting in by non fitting in, if this makes sense.
I love that idea of pretending to be an immigrant! If you don't mind me asking, what country are you really from, and what country(or countries) have you pretended to be from? Were there ever any times when this backfired?
This is the most relatable yt video I’ve ever watched. Currently part of an indigenous community in Belize… since 2003 I’ve also lived in Ecuador, México, China, and Thailand. I’ve traveled to countless other countries and I only ever feel awkward on those rare visits back to my home country… but I never ever felt like I belonged there, so I prefer to live where I’m a foreigner. Because at least then everyone expects me to be weird and they’re less judgmental
Very interesting!! I was born in Germany and when I was 25 I moved to Norway. Suddenly it no longer was a problem to not fit in. It was no longer expected of me to be like everyone else. However, now I have been living over 20 years in a “foreign” country and I guess I have been integrated too well. The urge to move to a different place in the world where it is not expected of me to be like everyone else is getting stronger and stronger these days. I have been drawn to cultures that are significantly different to Europe/US.
The foreigner strategy card I've been playing all my life is the quirky artist. I wasn't expected to fit in because everyone "knows" artists are different and in their own worlds. I had a wonderful opportunity in 2010 to learn just how much I leaned on this. Due to life events, I got a job working in a kitchen - the first job I'd ever had that wasn't art related. I was forty six at the time. I'd never been just one of the crowd. It was interesting, this feeling of anonymity. And by this age I'd learned all sorts of ways to hide my inability to fit in and connect. I have not been diagnosed with Autism, but I score high in the self tests. I do have CPTSD which I understand has many overlaps. Thank you for your videos!
Wow I never thought of it, but I spent my entire adult life as an expat, and the harder the language is for me, the more I love it. So many times when I get set back in verbal communication I would saying "sorry, not my language, I don't find words" but truth is it's a moment I wouldn't find words in my own language either (I now see bilingual people and sometimes got "trapped" being asked to talk in my own language instead but I couldn't 🙈🙈🙈).
So funny!! Literally just yesterday I compared autism to living alone in a foreign country where you don’t speak the language very well and don’t really understand the culture. I know this because I’m autistic and once moved to South America for a year.
going on a 52 day backpacking trip through rural kentucky changed my life.... the 5'0" person with red hair, piercings, and a big backpack, entirely alone, walking down narrow mountain roads and in and out of communities, is going to be seen as a weirdo, no matter what. fellow weirdos thought i was really cool though and had lots of questions and i was happy to just be myself because i knew i'd never see them again.
I basically just decided a long time ago that I was weird like everyone said, and that weird was a good thing. But this is a really nice way to view it, that your culture / language/ way of communicating is not bad, just different. Finding the translation is the only hard part....😵💫
The other thing that makes it more easy to get accepted abroad is that people will explain their culture to you an tell you about the social clues while in your own culture you are often left guessing. It feels like you are finally handed part of the missing manual of social interaction
All my life I’ve put myself in situations where it’s expected that I’ll be different. I thought it was because I was contrary or a show off. I didn’t consider it was a coping strategy. It now makes perfect sense that I was doing this to disguise the differences that I believed were less acceptable. Thank you for encapsulating and revealing this behaviour. It will really help me to be less negative about some of my life choices.
I've been living away from my own country, in several foreign countries, for 20 years, and I found that growing up as an autist prepared me mentally to live abroad. Many neurotypical foreigners struggle much more than me, as they have to deal with a society not catered to them, where social expectations aren't intuitive, where the setting doesn't make sense, and don't have friends who understand them right next to them. For me it's no big deal, as that's the way I was used to live even in my own country as an autist!
I moved around a lot as a kid. It definitely helped me to mask because my social cluelessness was easily dismissed... but it did make it hard to learn to be close to anyone. I always felt like I would get to be friends with people during that initiation period then they would drift away. Eventually I just grew to appreciate my solitude and not depend on the company of others. I lived alone for several years in a log house in the middle of nowhere before I met my wife. Now she's a hermit with me. Happy ending.
Very interesting and valuable as always 😊 Validating and thought-provoking too... I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and autism (late 20s) and I see that so much of what I have done in my life has been based on this strategy, among others. I have lived in several countries and find it easy to adapt to living abroad, picking up languages and cultural cues quickly. Now I've been living in Germany and speaking German for long enough that I have noticed expectations shift, and I can't use my foreign-ness to excuse my strangeness anymore. It's hard to accept that this gimmick which has worked so well for so long is no longer enough. The temptation to move again and start a new life is real... But now that I understand the impulse, it's also tempting to try un-exile myself from my home country 🤔
Yes, this video really resonates. I think I have been using this strategy for most of my life, and the years I have been unable to use it have been my unhappiest. It started when I was 2 yrs old. My best friend was not another 2 Yr old, but the lady who lived across the road who was at least 70 yrs old. Our friendship lasted until I was 7 when sadly I moved away. I will always cherish those years. I floundered after that, trying to fit in with my peers until I got involved in the alt music scene where most people were younger than me and even slightly weirder than me lol, but we all respected each other and it was great. It was my tribe for a while. I'm older now and I've moved on, not taking those people with me, as is often the case. So I feel that the foreigner strategy only works for a set period of time then it's back to where you were and you have to find the next group to fit in to. It's hard work and there are inevitably those between periods to deal with, but overall it's a strategy that works. If you can find your tribe for as long a period of time as possible then that would be the most ideal. Brilliant video Paul 😊
Brilliant Paul, you've expressed this so clearly - it closely matches my own experiences of feeling far more comfortable living abroad and/or working with people from totally different cultures to myself, no pressure to conform.
I moved to Brazil at 35 and spent 25 years thinking how difficult life is as a foreigner, conveniently forgetting how much difficulty I had always had being an Australian in Australia. Then, a couple of months ago, I caught on to the fact that I'm actually autistic. It's starting to make sense, but I feel like it could have happened sooner.
Yeah I used to have foreign girlfriends. I met my wife and moved to a foreign country, with supposedly a difficult language and lived there for a long time. I always felt happy abroad. Even though I didn't speak a word of the language I was fluent in quite short time and was quite successful. Living abroad gave me a lot of confidence, which I don't quite have the same now that I am back home after so many years. Luckily I lived in a country where people say the language is very difficult and people still find impressive that I am fluent even though I wasn't good with languages at school. Luckily my friends enjoy that I'm odd as it's a good conversation starter and quite spontaneous. My wife and family like my humour but to be frank I don't even understand it myself. Thanks for the videos as they keep reaffirming things that I really didn't understand about myself, some reactions and why it felt so difficult to connect.
OMG! I don't yet "officially/medically" know if I even register at all on the spectrum, but wow, can I ever relate to this! In my travels, I almost always did the tourist thing of staying in a hotel. But in the UK where this Yank was stationed, I always went the B&B route, giving me an adjusted look into a sort of home-life. I'm rambling now, 'lost' in memory and way off-topic. Suffice to say, once again, I can very much relate to your videos so THANK YOU for making these!
I've always done this without realizing what I was doing. I've never quite fit in anywhere. Although, I feel like I was "tolerated" to be amongst the people in the different social groups and sometimes I did attempt to fit in but my attempts could never sustain themselves on a permanent basis, because I was masking who I really was and reshaping myself. I have realized that I just don't do well with larger groups. When the group size gets beyond 3 then those who are similar naturally group themselves together. This does happen less when the group is more diverse in its nature. But I have always felt like I was a foreigner.
I never put the words to it that you did, "the foreigner strategy," but yes, I can relate! I have always felt more comfortable with males (I am genetically female), those who are much younger or older, and people of other races and/or nationalities. Even before I came out as GLBTIA (when I was 23), I felt most comfortable around people who are GLBTIA.
Very relatable. In my teenage years LGBTQIA spaces were the only places I genuinely felt welcomed. It really helped me build my confidence. I had never thought about the age gap preference but this is also something I relate to.
HOLY MOLY! I've been doing this my whole life since we moved abroad and around from an early age. Back in the USA, I was drawn to exchange students and foreigners to help them assimilate here, knowing how gard it was for me abroad. It's been such a strange road looking backwards to realize my Neurodivergence.
I believe that the foreigner strategy is a good one. I approach most group encounters with the realization that I won't fit in, unless it is a group of people who share a common interest of mine. That said, I find that trying to fit in where I don't is exhausting, with little pay-back for me in doing so. Knowing all of this before going into an encounter can alleviate some stress.
I relate so much with this video that it made me emotional. I'm happiest when I travel, and both myself and my therapist have found this baffling. It now makes absolute sense to me. It also makes sense now why I struggle to find guys interesting (I never share their interests and invariably it becomes a contest of some sort). It ALSO explains why while I'm living in Cape Town, which is massively diverse, I tend to make friends with people who travelled here from abroad. There is a lot to reflect on now that I've seen this, so thanks for sharing this extremely interesting concept!
I definitely think you are onto something with this and I realize this was a saving grace for me, and a great alternative to masking. In South Africa, our diverse society makes it easy to use the foreigner strategy consciously or unconsciously. I also had a very similar experience to yours with the dreads. I still have them. It's like they signal to people from the start that I'm different, and that helps.
I tried tinting my hair pink for fun (in my 50’s) and I was amazed how It really helped people see me as quirky artsy instead of typical normie. I was so surprised how I felt others saw me as I actually am inside.
I've done this all my life... Made myself an expert, and travelled to where the problem was... Like the gunslinger come to chase out the bad guys... The Magnificent Seven... "They don't want you around after the job is done"... Now retired... Living in a haunted house in the middle of nowhere... 🏡
ASD/ADHD here. I was born and raised in Mexico, but had a strange name and a foreign dad (who thrived in the expat role), so I could ride on that. Then, as a grownup, I moved to Spain. I always say that Mexico ejected me like a watermelon seed. It kind of worked, but I'm so good at adapting that I became the "Spaniard" with the odd name. Maybe it would have helped to have kept more of an accent, or something else that would remind people that I'm not from here. But a parallel process was maturing and accepting myself and actually cherishing my oddness, to the point where I no longer cared if people accepted me or not. And that's where I am right now. I don't care. My cat doesn't care, either.
Thanks for the video. The foreigner strategy is why I'm a substitute teacher. At a school, you are a foreigner and after a couple of days, just when you are expected to start fitting in, you move on to your next assignment. Early in my career, I discovered that by the third day, students and other teachers expected you to start fitting in. I started getting trouble on day 3 of assignments, and often got removed or had to voluntarily remove myself from assignments on average about the 4th or 5th day of an assignment. However, lately, I've discovered that if I reveal myself to be autistic early on in an assignment, I can usually make it through longer assignments. The drawback of being a substitute teacher is the change of routine required. One way of getting around this problem, is to fill in your schedule far in advance. This gives you plan to finish the tasks you want to complete in a given day. Make sure you know how to use GPS or a google driving direction app. and schedule your assignments at schools with similar school hours in any given week. I also find it helpful to schedule earlier starting schools earlier in the week, and later starting schools later in the week. Also, you can take days off to prevent or recover from meltdowns.
I can relate to a greater portion of the video. Thank you! Now it comes together for me why I enjoyed being abroad so much. Right now the foreigner strategy is falling apart for me because I have a Russian passport, and it is not fun anymore. I do not support war in any way, and I feel like we have lost in our own country with our effort to oppose the ruling party. I found comfort in the group of close friends who are as quirky as I am as there are zero expectations from their side. But I do have a crisis, as I do not know how to live along, as there is so much guilt and norms I have to conform from now on. Also that is definitely a lesser evil comparing to people who live in Ukraine, and I feel their pain as mine (also part of my family is from Ukraine), but I feel numb when I try to explain this to other people.
Totally agree Paul!!! You've hit the nail right on the head. I've often described this myself as I have lived outside of my home country for 16 years now and yet never felt more "at home'. I was only diagnosed autistic a few years ago at the age of 46 and since then it's made so much sense as to shy I feel more comfortable living as a foreigner in Belgium. The pressures we get from trying to conform in our own culture are no longer there and I'm expected to be different and my 'weirdness' is much more acceptable :-) You also mentioned several things that gave me more food for thought. For example, like many autistic folk, I've always preferred the company of people much older or younger than me, animals, people with other differences such as disabilities, men and people from all sorts of minority groups . The 'foreigner' strategy makes total sense in all of these situations. Thanks for another fab video.
Something you said resonated with me a lot. The receiving recognition but thinking that recognition is for your mask and not you. I pushed myself to be a tour guide for several years, ended in massive social burnout, in the process I built what must have been a good mask as I ran one of the top rated tours for the year. I received many reviews, many compliments, but it didn't really feel like I had done anything, it was all this mask I put on everyday to go to work. I feel like a lot of the people around thrive off compliments, it brightens their day. For me compliments feel like they don't have a home, I don't know what to do with them. I always feel if they knew the real me they wouldn't be giving them to me.
That is brilliant, this is why I love traveling...oddly enough it works even when traveling in the same country but in different states or even in different cities. At least in the US, in some places people will be nicer to me if I tell them "I'm not from here" 😄 It's subtle sometimes but it is very refreshing, I've been bullied all of my life for my differences by peers. I can relate to your experience with socializing better with the opposite gender, it's a lot easier for me to talk to men than to women, although it's gotten a bit harder as I've aged. Not sure why exactly but it seems to have something to do with how men and women age differently, and also, being autistic makes us behave more youthful than others our own age, at least that's been my experience. Thanks for your videos, they've been a great help
I can so relate: best time of my life being a student in Spain. My compulsive,structured and slightly socially awkward nature was just related to me "being German"..back in Germany I cannot hide me being slightly different that well at work haha
This is exactly the strategy I've been using. I have never fit in with others of my same gender and have always been more comfortable doing things with groups of the opposite sex. And I've tried to fit in with my peers and been successful for a bit of time, but I always do or say something 'wrong' and end up as a reject. It was good to hear from you on this topic because all that makes sense to me now.
THIS explains why i always make friends with people who have completely different interests to me. sometimes it gets lonely because i can’t talk about my special interests much, but i also like how i can talk about my special interests regardless of how normal they are
This was helpful in the way that I understand how to socialize with work colleges. I have been a self-employed music teacher and got a chance to be employed for a while. It was difficult to know what was expected of me in the interaction with the other music teachers. Now I understand that I just need to see that what we all have in common is music teaching in that music school. What a relief. I can see different situations as boxes within which there is a set interest.
I used to wear eyeliner in high school (I’m a guy) and it was very different for everyone, I was the only one who did it, but I was proud to be myself and I enjoyed it. It helped me learn that it’s alright to be different, even though I don’t wear eyeliner anymore, because I no longer dress scene, to this day I still have my way of being different and I love it. Another great video.
I didn't fit in with my peers in the culture I grew up in. I only like them in basic appearance. Other than that, I had interests and abilities that none of them placed any value in or that they thought a boy should be interested in. Many of them decided it would be more fun to tease me and treat me terribly instead of trying to accept me. Those who didn't ignored me. My favorite place to be was with my grandparents and their friends. I went to sewing circle, quilting bees, bird watching club, gardening club, etc. with my grandma. That was my preferred kind of socializing. Unlike the boys my age where I lived, I was genuinely interested in birds, plants, cooking and making things. The ladies in those clubs were thrilled that someone like me was interested in what they were doing and delighted in teaching me all about it. I was different in so many ways from them, yet I was accepted because I had a shared interest, so it was a sort of mix of the foreigner strategy and the niche strategy. When I went to college, I found that I got along best with students from other parts of the country and from other countries entirely. My major had a lot of science classes in which I was often the only student from Western Nebraska, sometimes even from America, in the room. It was the first time that I'd really spent a lot of time with people from outside my little corner of the world, so it was quite an eye-opening experience. It was like traveling to other countries without leaving my own state because I took the time to get to know these fellow students and ask them about their cultures. Some of them were just as curious about what to them was the exotic foreign culture of the 'cowboy' which was the culture I'd grown up in. I didn't fit in with the cowboy culture of Western Nebraska, but I knew a lot about it.
I’ve always wondered about why I prefer to travel and live internationally in other cultures (the more different from my own, the better) when I struggle so much with understanding social situations in my own culture. That dichotomy has always made me doubt myself. It’s honestly mind blowing to hear someone else describe it exactly the way I experience it. Thank you!
holy crap! I didn’t realize until you spelled it out for me in this video. I feel the most comfortable when I’m purposefully the odd person out in a group. that is exactly when I’ve felt the most normal. the least amount pf expectation to conform. the least amount of pressure to like what everyone else likes
I am the art yeacher.... so that automatically gives me a kind of pass for being quirky and weird. And now i have found a group of reborn doll collectors and artists, which is my current hyperfocus. So im doing both!
Yess! I'm currently an art teacher too and it's my longest held job at 4 years! I can be weird, hyperfocused, dress messier with comfort shoes, control my environment and now am trying to better support my possibly nuerodivergent students because I also have to cover my ears during fire drills so we relate. If I could only find another art teaching job abroad I'd be set. 😅
I fell into this too! When I was struggling with anxiety, it got better when I traveled! I remember how distinct that was when I went to Europe and my anxiety was no longer a problem, then literally half a day back into my old routine and it was a problem again. - Part of it was that I knew if I messed up people would assume it was by mistake (there ARE people in the world who mess up on purpose in order to manipulate - if you meet them, run away!) - Another part was that my fear was that people might feel trapped in a friendship with me, and were building up resentments that would explode one day, but while traveling I wasn't worried because I'd be friends with someone briefly and then we'd part ways.
The very moment I saw your video's title I KNEW what it was about and I KNEW that it's what I've done for the past 30 years. But I did this in a "hyper" way, the most literal way possible. I became a foreigner. I have lived in Eastern Europe since 1995, and this lifestyle freed me to be "the odd one out" without excuses. Even though I managed to assimilate to the culture and, especially, the language, in beautiful ways that my closest circle loved, it is all the same true that I was never expected really to BE a true "local," and I was always exempt from conforming to the myriad of subtle "signals" and deep-level historico-cultural conventions that, were truly local people to violate them they would be considered socially inappropriate or just "weird." But I had something of a free pass, one, I hasten to say, that I never abused. And I always find spending time back "home" in the USA psychically exhausting, and incrementally, exponentially so. An advantage that I have perhaps over you is that I've formed the social connections necessary so as not always to be some kind of "escapee" from my home country. I belong here too. And I...breathe easier somehow. Funny difference between us: I am hugely more relaxed among a group of men than conversing with women.
Yes. Very true. I'm a complete different person when traveling to other cultures. I'm from Denmark, and my best journeys ever was Thailand and Philippines. I'm planning to retire in 2024, and I actually consider moving to Philippines, or at least live there when it's winter here in DK. I feel so much more alive when I'm traveling those places. I have been in Kenya and Zimbabwe too, but Asia is for sure "my place" I'm 56 now. And I always liked female company much more. Today my 2 very best friends are young Asian women in their mid 20's. One is Chinese and the other one Indonesian. 😊
I always felt the need to be the funny "eccentric" one in the group, to get people to laugh with me rather than at me, to find me quirky and interesting rather than just "weird." It worked for a long time, but it gets to be exhausting
yeah I just embraced being weird in highschool. I did this at home and at school. With it being a joke i could do some movements that probably are stims without it seeming weird. Instead I was just joking and made some friends out of it. The problem is when you can‘t be weird due to your environment you are just screwed.
I used to do that too when I was working. So they would see my "weird" personality as not my real self. Though it didn't lasted long, since I didn't know about my autism back then, and they thought my difficulties were me being harsh or stupid.
It's exhausting because it's a kind of masking. If you're just being yourself, and people find that charmingly eccentric, and you're okay with that, then it works. But feeling exhausted is a sign that its become a performance and is no longer a natural expression.
Part of what makes masking so mentally tiring, is having to consciously pantomime your own emotions to make them readable to others, instead of trusting your natural behavior to be clear. Playing a character role in your social group is the same thing, plus the additional effort to twist or modulate certain aspects of yourself to better fit the role. That is exhausting!
Yeah, that’s what they call masking or camouflaging, it’s completely unsustainable.
@@davidenos1277 I have a new job which is like torture for sensory issues: 6 fluorescent tubes above my head, stuck on a machine, my muscles spasm, my eyes hurt, etc. Now my body is keeping me awake at night from the stress and anxiety of being trapped in a horrible uncomfortable environment, that makes me want to chew my way out of my body. I think i have adhd too, or just cptsd or autism, either way, it’s making me suicidal now, the sleep deprivation is the last straw. I watch documentaries with people who suffered massive burns that destroyed their bodies, yet they somehow don’t feel like dying even though they must be much more uncomfortable and in pain than I am. I try to tell myself, if they can do it, so can I. But I really can’t take it anymore, I’m at the end of my rope and can’t get any help in the uk from the NHS. I self medicate with cannabis, if I wasn’t, I would be most certainly dead, it’s the only thing that can dull the hideous body horror I am trapped in and makes it just about bearable. But where I live (Shetland Island) you can’t get cannabis, the police blocked my parcels in the post. It’s like hell. I just want to be able to go to work and sleep and not want to die all the time.
I have taken this strategy to the utmost by living as a nomad. We lived all over the world growing up and then at 18 I set off on my own travels. I find my "weirdness" is way more "interesting" when I'm from somewhere else and before the problems start to reveal themselves, or my mask slips, I'm gone! It's much more socially acceptable to be strange when you're a stranger! 😂
I feel like this video was made after reading the book of my life. Never felt so comfortable as when I was in foreign countries and was accepted because I was expected to be different. In my 50s now and even until recently the messages in my head told me, "If they see who I really am, they won't like me"....because growing up that was, more often than not, the case. Recognizing how CPTSD and Autism have formed me and finding a life partner who does accept me for who I am has finally started to put a dent in that inner voice's message...or at least given me a "yes, I'm different and if they don't like it, that's their loss" counter-message.
This! Finding a life partner who accepts me has been completely life-changing for me. I still worry some what others think, but I also know that regardless of what others think, my "home" is with someone who accepts me for me 100%
Yes, all of this resonates for me. I'm also in my 50s, and now starting to really appreciate who I am. Having a supportive partner is essential, as is understanding how my brain works.
I spent nearly 20 years doing this while teaching English around the world. My therapist refers to it as pulling a geographical.
Great to hear someone is finding some peace and happiness!
I too have CPTSD and Autism, I know how difficult it is.
Thank you so much for writing this. life is hard sometimes right now and I'm told people like us lot lives are more like to completely full apart in are old years. This has given me so much Hope, thank you truly for that, have a blessed one
To my surprise I burst into tears when you got to the part about being more comfortable around women. I am a woman and have always found it more comfortable to talk to guys. Like you said, I am not expected to be the same as the opposite sex, and I guess that takes alot of the pressure off. I have never been excited about the same things or to the degree that other women are about some things. It becomes awkward. I just don't show the same level of emotion even if I do somewhat feel it.
I am a 57 year old who just realized this year that she is on the spectrum. What a revelation!!
I had the same reaction as a man. I always had friendships and friendly acquaintances with women rather than men, whenever I was around men it was like they would lapse into some kind of dude-code that I had a hard time following and living up to. I still get bad social anxiety interacting with men, and especially single-gender social groups of men.
🤔
This struck a chord with me. I've always been more comfortable around women since it seemed like I could relax and not play the "alpha male" role. Ironically because I became quite good at martial arts.
That part got me too. I’m 45M and until this very moment, I never realized why being around women was always easier. This channel is absolute gold.
One of the reasons I think I am 38 and just realizing that I’m autistic is because I’ve spent most my adult life in a country I didn’t grow up in. I’m German so being an adult in America I am given lots of “passes”. “Oh she’s direct because she is German.Shes not trying to be rude.”
I also recently realized why I feel most comfortable around my husband’s family. I am white and he is black. I can be my quirky self most around them. They live in the south and don’t interact much on a deep level with white people so there are zero expectations on me. So freeing. I am a woman and much prefer being around men. I find women more difficult to navigate and all my female friends are either neurodivergent or much older than me. Include me while I’m different is perfect! Well said!
I've often found that black culture is more generous and humane and warm.
WOW…this is me
As a Jazz musician (often playing Blues and R&b circles) I've often noticed this myself. In some scenarios where herd conformists (who regardless of race) can be assholes ("New School" Rap & Hip-Hop scenes I can't handle, neither can I handle most Rock or C& W settings either), I often experienced some allowance of being different in the Black community. Among many and awareness of the similarities between Racism and Ableism.
With some Toxic individuals, I can be seen as the "Safe White Target" for those with unchecked anger issues, that have been the victims of abuse from White Authority Figures like the Police, Employers, Racist White Coworkers, Political Figures Etc., but that is not always the case.
I defined this idea as “when you don’t belong anywhere, you belong everywhere. When no where is home, home is where you’re at”
In China people keep asking, when are you flying home? Don't you miss home? WTF, do you want me out of your country or something? Home is where you're at. Why can't you enjoy living in foreign countries, why must everyone be rushing back to their parents house?
I always said "home is where my bed is"
That's my whole philosophy of life and has helped me immensely.
I always casually say "home" to mean "the place I intend to sleep tonight" or sometimes "to hang out with my brother". I really identify with Anakin's line in Attack of the Clones: "I never had a home growing up. Home was always where my mom was".
I also travel a lot and am a military brat, so I would always have felt like a foreigner anyway.
That thing about masking and compliments only feeling like your masking ability is being complimented rather than yourself really resonated with me
I have been doing this my whole life! I've found that people of other cultures, races, etc., are more accepting of my quirks because they know what it feels like to be discriminated against due to an aspect of themselves they cannot change.
Agree completely! And many important people in my life are Asian, so I feel happier that way.
Wow. You read my mind. Here’s a hug. 🤗
I feel this way also. I am more at home among Indians than any other group. Many people find it weird and even have a problem with it but I have a problem with their disapproval. They have the problem, not me. You are right that it seems to be natural because these people know what it’s like to be discriminated against and ostracized. I feel like they understand what it’s like to be excluded because of differences. America is not as welcoming as we would have everyone believe. Also I have another idea which is that sometimes things are normal in other cultures that we do and our own culture judges us poorly for it. Have you ever seen a cultural practice that is accepted and you are like, “ Yes! That’s totally what I feel comfortable doing! I must have found my people”
Yes I do relate. I think I've done a version of this for most of my life.
Also, I love what you said. -
"Don't force me to fit in.
Include me while I'm different."
That is what I've wanted my entire life.
Thanks for saying it.
I have often felt drawn to leadership roles and I think this is because of how I am allowed to be different if I'm the one in charge. No one usually questions the quirks of their supervisor.
YEEEES!
Oh, they question the quirks - and often mock them behind your back. They just don't directly try to bully you because you are in a position of power over them. Beware - with power comes the resentment of subordinates to that power, and a desire for revenge. This dynamic is at play regardless of whether your're nuerotypical or not. We auties tend to be naieve in this regard, and your comment is a perfect reflection of this. I know all of this because when I was younger I was in leadership positions, and believed those I led respected me because of thier lower status in the organizational hierarchies. Some did, but some didn't. My social blindness always led to problems, and still does in group settings, leader or not.
Yes! That's another strategy. The question is, how to get people to recognize your expertise and follow you? It seems even knowing more, you're often overlooked, like your voice doesn't matter.
@@avocado405 yea, well, workplaces are all private dictatorships. Unless you work in the public sector. Then it's a public dictatorship disgiused as a democratically governed workplace. The best you can hope for is a benevolent dictator (boss) directly above you, and enlightened upper management. Regardless, all workplaces are tyrannical to some extent. They hold your survival in their hands in America. Food and shelter are not human rights in America. It's a very hard place for the autistic. Unless you are a STEM nerd. STEM autists are useful to the US war industry and high technology industry in general. They'll put up with you as long as you help them kill and maim poor brown people overseas for profit it seems....
That's blown my mind a bit. I am 51 years old and I've been doing this my entire life and I have only just realised it after watching this. My autistic superpower as a kid was the ability to assimilate tunes and play them on various instruments after only hearing them once. When I ran away from home at the age of 14, this is what kept me alive. Now I have realised that it wasn't just that I could scrape a living playing music, it was also the fact that musicians are naturally far more diverse than most groups. I have played music with people of all ages, from all countries, from all political and religious backgrounds and always been warmly accepted because of my ability to mimic and mirror whatever music they played. Whenever I have been in a group with people of similar age and background, I am always on the outside, feeling awkward, not getting jokes, missing non-verbal cues and so forth. I try to be sociable and join in, but I don't really know how and the people I try to join often ignore me and gradually move away, leaving me feeling foolish and wondering what I did wrong.
I too am on the spectrum and in my 50's. I was pretty happy at college a few years ago, even though I was much older than most. I was studying art and the culture is a little more accepting of diversity and quirks.
“Don’t force me to fit in, include me while I’m different” It means to stop pushing yourself to fit in to groups of people who don’t include you, look for a group you identify yourself with, or a group that accepts different people (they’re probably more diverse because of that.)
I have totally done this without realizing it. I can get pretty uncomfortable in groups where it feels like I’m “supposed” to be similar to everyone else around. I have never made a work friend because I get a ton of anxiety about there being pressure to fit in. I wind up not saying much to people unless it’s work related.
I am 65 and I now realize that I have Autism. I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia for the last 35 years and am on heavy medications. I now realize that I am Autistic not Schizophrenic. Your videos have been a game changer for me. I am a Veteran and have a Bachelors degree but never felt good about myself. I feel like a foreigner in America.
Thank you for your service William. I was misdiagnosed with bipolar and realizing I’m actually autistic was groundbreaking for my mental health. I hope your journey helps you heal and feel better towards yourself.
I'm so sorry that happened and lasted for so long. I felt I was misdiagnosed so I refused to take medicine. After private diagnosis I was still misdiagnosed in public health "care" so I stopped seeing. Yet I need professional health but it feels too difficult. I hope you receive all the proper care you are entitled to. Be proud this is good idea from the video to try to identify with both your service and your education. They are yours. I can totally relate to feeling as if in void and deattached from my accomplishments as if they are floating in void totally unrelated to me. They belong to us! Let us embrace the good from the past and restore our self worth to a normal level. Lord knows we need it. And you are specially deserving, your country owes to you forever!
The last but not the least I pray you find appropriate expert assistance to address your medications
YES, I (subconsciously) used the foreigner strategy for about three years of my life. I was an English language teacher in Lithuania. Of course, all I knew at the time was that I finally had some meaningful friendships in my life. My sense of rejection from my home culture (Canada) was so powerful, I thought I never wanted to come home. If my life had gone the way I wanted back then, I'd still be there. But I broke my leg slipping on an icy sidewalk in Vilnius and had to come home. It's very helpful to me to have a proper understanding of that era in my life, to look back at myself as an undiagnosed autistic person trying desperately to fit in somewhere in the world. This video was really great and I liked hearing your thoughts on this subject. I will watch again.
Same with me. I had the chance to live in Brazil when I was little. I learned Portuguese quickly and got along very well with my new friends there. I still relate better to Brazilians than I do to Americans, not entirely because Brazilians are arguably warmer and more friendly, but because of the novelty of an American coming to them and showing an appreciation of their culture is something that gratifies them very much
Your story is pretty much same as mine but the country anems change and I messed up my ankle in a warmer climate
My foreigner strategy is always working for female bosses (I'm male). With male bosses, moving through the culture dynamics was so awkward and resulted in so many wrong communications, that I found it very hard to move forward without masking so intensely and extensively that it stressed my mental and emotional health. Female bosses, generally, were more flexible about personal style and better at separating my work performance from my aptitude for group bonding.
I am female and generally try to work for male bosses because I find it easier.
I am female and prefer working with groups of men. For me that meant IT. It was not to get any kind of special favors or attention. It was to avoid some of the conversations women have about fashion, entertainment and yep…about men/relationships.
This is so true and help me understand I think iam adult undiagnosed don't now what to do all my life so. Many things iam looking for info myself but
Now imagine if you were an attractive female....your options are male bosses sexually harassing and acting like they want to have sex with you, or female bosses who hate you for having the audacity to be more hot & more awkward/socially inept.
Very interesting!
Brilliant, thank you! I tried so hard to fit in. But always ostracized or laughed at, except when interacting with other cultures, fellow travelers, and children! I suffer from excess cheerfulness, when trying to fit in. So heck with that, I'll just mix with my local Hispanic community. They will accept me. They always smile back. ☺️ I can teach them English and maybe they can teach me mariachi violin. 🎻
Add foreign languages to the mix, so that if something comes out wrong and it ends up offending someone, it’s the language’s fault, not the lack of social skills, and there you have it, it’s me.
I feel like that strategy takes so much load off of being different. There’s this obvious reason why you stand out (age, nationality, etc.) and you can count on the fact that others will attribute to that whatever they see in you as unusual. The funny thing is you don’t stop being unusual, people don’t stop noticing it, but since they have a ‘reason’ for those traits and it’s not one with prejudice tied to it, they’re like: cool.
Yes, I literally did this. I am born and raised in the Netherlands and I came over here in the ninetees. I kind of stayed here, and still have an accent, so people see me as the foreigner with the interesting accent and different habits.
Listening to this is kind of like hearing someone else express my own thoughts. I moved abroad but also have finally realized that I feel the best in a culturally diverse environment. Not just another country, but a very mixed one. Being abroad but looking similar to the locals has made me feel even more uncomfortably different than before. I'm just pretty off in ways they can't put their finger on. They stare, in my face too, which is awful. I hope to move to a very international city soon, where everyone looks and acts different and its ok😊
This has been my strategy my whole life. In fact I love living abroad and only recently discovered that was in large part because being an expat freed me from the burdens of NT societal conventions. If I’m busy translating into a different language (that’s learnable and has a guidebook and it’s understandable that I’m not good yet - unlike trying to speak NT) no one expects me to adhere to all of the unwritten rules that are such a difficulty in regular life.
Omg yes, that’s why I love being abroad. Frees me up and simplifies everything
Same!
It works in the short term and when you're young, once you've been in the country a decade or two or three, you get older, people still identify you as "different" and you find yourself with the same problems as you would have in your "original" country (if that means anything, if you grew up abroad too, it's worth reading up on third-culture kid advice). Plus if you are running from PTSD too... you need to do the deeper mental health work and be honest with yourself. You can't run from yourself. And yes I tick all 3 of those boxes.
I agree, the foreign strategy helps to interact with people, it solves the problem on the outside but autism is something that is going to be there no matter who you are with. This strategy is just a role play. Autism is much deeper than that. I think it works for people who are socially awkward, but autism is more than that (I am formally diagnoses btw)
Exactly, it just worked a couple of years for me, it was all going great at first. It's been 4 years now and I'm drowning like I was 5 years ago back at my home country
i find it works for *finding* friends really well (or working in groups short term) and then over time they learn to accept you as you and not whatever excuse you have for being different. it works a lot better as a way to psych yourself up too
Very interesting, my whole life I feel like I've done the opposite. I've created so many different masks to fit in with various groups that sometimes I'm not sure what my real personality is like. And it also requires a ton of mental energy to maintain a mask without any break. I've found that it becomes very hard to keep up the facade if I don't get a chance to recharge by being alone in my comfort zone, and when my mask falls away, it can be horrifically stressful to feel like my real self is being exposed. This foreigner idea sounds so refreshing, I hope I am able to incorporate it into my life.
I remember finding a blog post about this when I was a teenager and I didn't understand why it resonated so much (it was framed as a tool for introversion, not autism). Now I get it!
For me when I finally found myself In a workspace of *aussie women my own age* is when I found out I am autistic.....before that I was the only Aussie or the youngest or the oldest or just around animals or kids......glaring now it all makes sense 🤔
Is it possible to look up that blog post still? I would be curious to read possibly slightly different takes on this topic.
Nicely put! I also use the"ON STAGE" strategy, for example, if I'm separated by physical space, behind the bar or counter or even in uniform, and I'm the perceived 'expert' I feel more comfortable I relate to 'standing out to fit in' as a lifestyle. Thank you.
Everything you said clicked with me. I moved from Aus to Hong Kong 14 years ago and only discovered I was on the spectrum this year. It’s funny to think how we naturally develop these similar strategies.
How's life in HK? I love HK culture and lifestyle but I moved to the mainland to teach in 2010, and I still haven't gotten to live in HK.
Exactly! As an autistic American female living in Thailand (been in S.E. Asia since 2011), I recently realized that one reason I am more accepted over here is because people expect me to be different and they like me anyway. They want to learn from me the same way I am fascinated by their languages and cultures (special interests of mine) and want to learn from them.
I befriended foreign exchange students during my school years. This allowed me to learn a lot about other countries and cultures.
Wow! This explains why when I was a child and we were visiting relatives, I always sat at the table with adults instead of playing with my cousins. I even started drinking coffee at a really young age as an excuse (I was under 10 yeas old, yikes). I also had a lot of friends who were the opposite gender. I'm discovering that the only friends I could keep that were the same gender as me, turned out to be neurodivergent too lol.
I had the same experiences, identical.
I had the same experiences. Identical, only that I have never been diagnosed. Just found out that I might be auADHD, I fit the bill perfectly. Finally my life makes sense!!
I was doing it my whole my life, so I am glad I am not the only one :)
I was born and lived most of my life in Poland, but have always been feeling the most comfortable in international communities or foreign countries. When I was 21, I left for the Philippines for one year on an EU volunteer program, because I was feeling depressed and I wanted to go as far as possible, to an environment different as possible from the environment I knew.
I remember that when I told a psychologist I was seeing at the time that one of the reasons I decided to go, was because I struggled socially here, she told me I was being unreasonable. Like, "you struggle socially here, so you want to move to a country where people speak a different language and have a completely different culture"?!
Intuitively I knew that I was making a right move, although at that time I wasn't able to give a logical explanation why did I decide to do it.
Sure, I struggled there socially as well, but it was much easier for me to navigate in an international environment of our volunteer group and our Filipino friends than it was for me in Poland.
After I came back I started to travel a lot (and meet people while travelling), spending a lot of time around Japanese community in Poland and now I am living in Japan. I feel like here, since I am obviously a foreigner and I am treated like one, it is easier for me to navigate social life.
I've never fit anywhere. I have no diagnosis, but I'm sure I have a mental health thing that makes me different than the rest. living abroad helped me loads to understand and accept diversity. Great experience to help my self confidence.
thanks, great video. and lovely eye expression, congrats!!
This resonates a lot with me. The most comfortable I've been is either when I was overseas or in groups with a large amount of diversity. I've also had better success making friends with people who were either significantly older. Trying to fit in is exhausting. I've reached a point where trying mask with people who are supposed to be my friends feels so fake so.much like living a lie. Id rather be as you said accepted while being different.
Yes! I too relate better with people much older. My "friends" are mostly older relatives, my Mom or grandparents ages.
I traveled the world solo for over 2 years. My jaw kept dropping throughout the video
Due to work, I moved to the rural US during a politically volatile time. I saw in real-time as “strategy” described in this video caught locals by surprise. Because of my appearance, (and the news at the time) they expected me to be against them.
instead, when faced with the curious , nonjudgmental interest of a foreigner, they became sweet and open, sharing their feelings and hospitality.
This is brilliant! I never fit in with my peers and often spent most time with people older than myself or foreign students (while in school). This makes so much sense. I actually like my differences, at least until being around others reminds me that I don’t fit in.
That's pretty much my experience too! When I was in college I spent a lot of time hanging out with the foreign students. Partly that was due to circumstances, but also I felt more at home with them than with most of my fellow Americans because I'd always felt a little bit like a foreigner in my own country.
Oh my gosh I completely relate to this. I used to go abroad a lot on my own, went to the same town in Spain mostly. When I first started going, the people out there were so welcoming and interested in me and invited me to lots of events. But the more I went and the more familiar I became, the more distant I felt from the same people
Travelling in North Africa on my own as a woman I had a similar experience, local people didn't understand how I was able to do this, as it's only starting to become acceptable, and were interested in why and what my life was like.
This video was extremely valuable, lots of ideas fell into place, things that I had a feeling about but never got round to ...
I am a type 4 on the Enneagram, otherwise known as the "artist" or "individualist." Type fours are known for fixating on what makes them special and different, both mourning and taking pride in their uniqueness. I have always felt the ache of loneliness and feeling like an outsider, and I suppose I formed a sort of pride around that as a coping mechanism. Oddly enough, I still had a friend group that I look back on fondly. While many of us were in the closet about a variety of things, we were a diverse group with a couple interests in common that helped us stick together. My friends never bullied me as different and in fact defended me, nor did they ever bully our diagnosed autistic classmates. I'm only now realizing how they might have also felt like the odd ones out.
Your observation about praise received when wearing a mask was very astute. I've always found it difficult to accept praise, even though my life is "successful" in many ways. I do tend to mask quite heavily, or did (working on changing that).
I identify with ADHD and I identify with your experiences
I was always the weird one but was a migrant in OZ and was probably how I was seen
Yes, I had mainly female friends but struggled in the dating scene
I am an engineer and felt most comfortable in foreign lands
I have never been diagnosed, I am only watching these videos because my eldest has been diagnosed with both and is really struggling at school
Thank you for what you are doing here
Wow i'm blown away! You just put words on some situations I've felt the most at ease. I've never felt better than when I'm travelling and meeting a group of people from all around the globe! At one point, I wanted to go live abroad, but deep down, I knew I was just trying to escape from a deeper issue. I would end up feeling the same anywhere I eventually build a life at. I couldn't be a nomad all my life, nor did I want to.
It also makes me think of a time I was backpacking Mexico with my sister. We met with a group of people that my sister liked a lot. I liked them too, but for some reason, I couldn't be myself around them. I was very anxious and I was wearing a mask. Then, we met with another group of French people. I'm French Canadian, so we spoke the same langage. I felt so at ease with them. I would even go as far as farting in front of them lol. But yeah, maybe the fact that we were the odd one out (being Canadian and having a Québec accent) made me feel more like myself. In the first group, I felt like I had to perform in a way. Maybe they were all neurotypical lol.
I'm also looking back at my teenage years. I would hang out a lot with boys. And recently, I wondered "maybe I was a pick me?". But actually, I think i felt comfortable because I was the odd one out. I also love being with people of color, gays, trans people. I've always felt left out with those who are considered to be like me, so I kinda gravitate towards people that are different. I love sharing about their life, their culture, their soul. I feel like conversations are so much deeper.
Ooh this is so interesting! Like many other people I found out while watching this video that I had been using this exact strategy for a very long time, ever since I was an adult. I have traveled for about 13 years, never staying in the same place for more than 3 years in a row.
I confirm as well, the limitations can easily be overcome if you find a niche group with a particular interest.
I would also add it's also easier to fit in a group of people who themselves don't fit in.That is why I decided to make my career into the arts where there is a very large diversity of people who mostly don't fit in.
Anyways great advice!
You just showed me why I managed to feel happy in the group situations I felt happy in in my life while usually being uncomfortable in group settings as a neurodivergent person.
You have just summed up my entire life! Always hung out with the opposite gender, people much older than me, people from other countries. Always had quirky/strange hobbies and interests. Then myself moved from NZ to the UK... I've always felt it was easier to fit in here because I'm excused over not knowing all the rules, and can be accepted as someone a little different and interesting. Thank you for this video!
I experienced this when I went to germany in college. I felt so much more accepted as a foreigner than I did at home, that I stayed and did my undergrad degree in its entirety and ultimately ended up emigrating entirely. My experience in the US has never been as socially accepting.
since finding out I am autistic two years ago, i understood why I felt a feeling of "home" for the first time ever when I went to live with an Ecuadorian family, and I'm from England. I accidentally did the foreigner strategy and it totally messed me up for years when I returned to my actual home which wasn't home to me at all, even more so.
Yup, did this my whole life and enjoy the experience. I do enjoy being the odd one out and fully embrace it (after the diagnosis anyway, which answered soooo many questions I had). This is probably what led to my love of traveling and meeting different cultures. Not interested in taking pictures of things everyone else takes pictures of or following the tourist trail but interested in the energy and vibe of a place, understanding how people live in such places, what do they feel and think etc. In my own country, I developed a back story of being an immigrant from a foreign place to help me fitting in by non fitting in, if this makes sense.
I love that idea of pretending to be an immigrant! If you don't mind me asking, what country are you really from, and what country(or countries) have you pretended to be from? Were there ever any times when this backfired?
I just sent this to my husband for him to watch and asked him how this man has been living in my head since birth!
This is the most relatable yt video I’ve ever watched. Currently part of an indigenous community in Belize… since 2003 I’ve also lived in Ecuador, México, China, and Thailand. I’ve traveled to countless other countries and I only ever feel awkward on those rare visits back to my home country… but I never ever felt like I belonged there, so I prefer to live where I’m a foreigner. Because at least then everyone expects me to be weird and they’re less judgmental
Very interesting!! I was born in Germany and when I was 25 I moved to Norway. Suddenly it no longer was a problem to not fit in. It was no longer expected of me to be like everyone else. However, now I have been living over 20 years in a “foreign” country and I guess I have been integrated too well. The urge to move to a different place in the world where it is not expected of me to be like everyone else is getting stronger and stronger these days. I have been drawn to cultures that are significantly different to Europe/US.
The foreigner strategy card I've been playing all my life is the quirky artist. I wasn't expected to fit in because everyone "knows" artists are different and in their own worlds. I had a wonderful opportunity in 2010 to learn just how much I leaned on this. Due to life events, I got a job working in a kitchen - the first job I'd ever had that wasn't art related. I was forty six at the time. I'd never been just one of the crowd. It was interesting, this feeling of anonymity. And by this age I'd learned all sorts of ways to hide my inability to fit in and connect. I have not been diagnosed with Autism, but I score high in the self tests. I do have CPTSD which I understand has many overlaps. Thank you for your videos!
Wow I never thought of it, but I spent my entire adult life as an expat, and the harder the language is for me, the more I love it. So many times when I get set back in verbal communication I would saying "sorry, not my language, I don't find words" but truth is it's a moment I wouldn't find words in my own language either (I now see bilingual people and sometimes got "trapped" being asked to talk in my own language instead but I couldn't 🙈🙈🙈).
So funny!! Literally just yesterday I compared autism to living alone in a foreign country where you don’t speak the language very well and don’t really understand the culture.
I know this because I’m autistic and once moved to South America for a year.
going on a 52 day backpacking trip through rural kentucky changed my life.... the 5'0" person with red hair, piercings, and a big backpack, entirely alone, walking down narrow mountain roads and in and out of communities, is going to be seen as a weirdo, no matter what. fellow weirdos thought i was really cool though and had lots of questions and i was happy to just be myself because i knew i'd never see them again.
I just realized that when I moved to the west coast from the east coast in my forties, I did this! Really cool strategy!
Thanks, Paul!
I basically just decided a long time ago that I was weird like everyone said, and that weird was a good thing. But this is a really nice way to view it, that your culture / language/ way of communicating is not bad, just different. Finding the translation is the only hard part....😵💫
The other thing that makes it more easy to get accepted abroad is that people will explain their culture to you an tell you about the social clues while in your own culture you are often left guessing. It feels like you are finally handed part of the missing manual of social interaction
Yes, I felt so relaxed when I went to a friend's house in Poland (I'm from England)...I was not expected to converse all the time.
All my life I’ve put myself in situations where it’s expected that I’ll be different. I thought it was because I was contrary or a show off. I didn’t consider it was a coping strategy.
It now makes perfect sense that I was doing this to disguise the differences that I believed were less acceptable.
Thank you for encapsulating and revealing this behaviour. It will really help me to be less negative about some of my life choices.
I've been living away from my own country, in several foreign countries, for 20 years, and I found that growing up as an autist prepared me mentally to live abroad.
Many neurotypical foreigners struggle much more than me, as they have to deal with a society not catered to them, where social expectations aren't intuitive, where the setting doesn't make sense, and don't have friends who understand them right next to them. For me it's no big deal, as that's the way I was used to live even in my own country as an autist!
I moved around a lot as a kid. It definitely helped me to mask because my social cluelessness was easily dismissed... but it did make it hard to learn to be close to anyone. I always felt like I would get to be friends with people during that initiation period then they would drift away. Eventually I just grew to appreciate my solitude and not depend on the company of others. I lived alone for several years in a log house in the middle of nowhere before I met my wife. Now she's a hermit with me. Happy ending.
I think this is why I loved Japan so much. I strangely didn't feel like the outsider. People were so nice and accepting of me
Very interesting and valuable as always 😊 Validating and thought-provoking too... I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and autism (late 20s) and I see that so much of what I have done in my life has been based on this strategy, among others. I have lived in several countries and find it easy to adapt to living abroad, picking up languages and cultural cues quickly. Now I've been living in Germany and speaking German for long enough that I have noticed expectations shift, and I can't use my foreign-ness to excuse my strangeness anymore. It's hard to accept that this gimmick which has worked so well for so long is no longer enough. The temptation to move again and start a new life is real... But now that I understand the impulse, it's also tempting to try un-exile myself from my home country 🤔
Yes, this video really resonates. I think I have been using this strategy for most of my life, and the years I have been unable to use it have been my unhappiest. It started when I was 2 yrs old. My best friend was not another 2 Yr old, but the lady who lived across the road who was at least 70 yrs old. Our friendship lasted until I was 7 when sadly I moved away. I will always cherish those years. I floundered after that, trying to fit in with my peers until I got involved in the alt music scene where most people were younger than me and even slightly weirder than me lol, but we all respected each other and it was great. It was my tribe for a while. I'm older now and I've moved on, not taking those people with me, as is often the case. So I feel that the foreigner strategy only works for a set period of time then it's back to where you were and you have to find the next group to fit in to. It's hard work and there are inevitably those between periods to deal with, but overall it's a strategy that works. If you can find your tribe for as long a period of time as possible then that would be the most ideal. Brilliant video Paul 😊
Brilliant Paul, you've expressed this so clearly - it closely matches my own experiences of feeling far more comfortable living abroad and/or working with people from totally different cultures to myself, no pressure to conform.
I moved to Brazil at 35 and spent 25 years thinking how difficult life is as a foreigner, conveniently forgetting how much difficulty I had always had being an Australian in Australia. Then, a couple of months ago, I caught on to the fact that I'm actually autistic. It's starting to make sense, but I feel like it could have happened sooner.
Yeah I used to have foreign girlfriends. I met my wife and moved to a foreign country, with supposedly a difficult language and lived there for a long time. I always felt happy abroad. Even though I didn't speak a word of the language I was fluent in quite short time and was quite successful. Living abroad gave me a lot of confidence, which I don't quite have the same now that I am back home after so many years. Luckily I lived in a country where people say the language is very difficult and people still find impressive that I am fluent even though I wasn't good with languages at school. Luckily my friends enjoy that I'm odd as it's a good conversation starter and quite spontaneous. My wife and family like my humour but to be frank I don't even understand it myself. Thanks for the videos as they keep reaffirming things that I really didn't understand about myself, some reactions and why it felt so difficult to connect.
OMG! I don't yet "officially/medically" know if I even register at all on the spectrum, but wow, can I ever relate to this! In my travels, I almost always did the tourist thing of staying in a hotel. But in the UK where this Yank was stationed, I always went the B&B route, giving me an adjusted look into a sort of home-life. I'm rambling now, 'lost' in memory and way off-topic. Suffice to say, once again, I can very much relate to your videos so THANK YOU for making these!
I came to UK from Japan in ‘88 and still live in the UK. Now I understand why I’m still here! 😆
I've always done this without realizing what I was doing. I've never quite fit in anywhere. Although, I feel like I was "tolerated" to be amongst the people in the different social groups and sometimes I did attempt to fit in but my attempts could never sustain themselves on a permanent basis, because I was masking who I really was and reshaping myself. I have realized that I just don't do well with larger groups. When the group size gets beyond 3 then those who are similar naturally group themselves together. This does happen less when the group is more diverse in its nature. But I have always felt like I was a foreigner.
I never put the words to it that you did, "the foreigner strategy," but yes, I can relate! I have always felt more comfortable with males (I am genetically female), those who are much younger or older, and people of other races and/or nationalities. Even before I came out as GLBTIA (when I was 23), I felt most comfortable around people who are GLBTIA.
Very relatable. In my teenage years LGBTQIA spaces were the only places I genuinely felt welcomed. It really helped me build my confidence. I had never thought about the age gap preference but this is also something I relate to.
I think that's because they are more welcoming to different self-identities.
I love you my friend!Cheers from Puerto Rico, USA.
HOLY MOLY! I've been doing this my whole life since we moved abroad and around from an early age. Back in the USA, I was drawn to exchange students and foreigners to help them assimilate here, knowing how gard it was for me abroad. It's been such a strange road looking backwards to realize my Neurodivergence.
I believe that the foreigner strategy is a good one. I approach most group encounters with the realization that I won't fit in, unless it is a group of people who share a common interest of mine. That said, I find that trying to fit in where I don't is exhausting, with little pay-back for me in doing so. Knowing all of this before going into an encounter can alleviate some stress.
I relate so much with this video that it made me emotional. I'm happiest when I travel, and both myself and my therapist have found this baffling. It now makes absolute sense to me. It also makes sense now why I struggle to find guys interesting (I never share their interests and invariably it becomes a contest of some sort). It ALSO explains why while I'm living in Cape Town, which is massively diverse, I tend to make friends with people who travelled here from abroad. There is a lot to reflect on now that I've seen this, so thanks for sharing this extremely interesting concept!
I definitely think you are onto something with this and I realize this was a saving grace for me, and a great alternative to masking. In South Africa, our diverse society makes it easy to use the foreigner strategy consciously or unconsciously. I also had a very similar experience to yours with the dreads. I still have them. It's like they signal to people from the start that I'm different, and that helps.
I tried tinting my hair pink for fun (in my 50’s) and I was amazed how It really helped people see me as quirky artsy instead of typical normie. I was so surprised how I felt others saw me as I actually am inside.
I’ve never thought about it in this framework, but I’ve done this for most of my life. Thanks for bringing some clarity.
I've done this all my life... Made myself an expert, and travelled to where the problem was... Like the gunslinger come to chase out the bad guys... The Magnificent Seven... "They don't want you around after the job is done"... Now retired... Living in a haunted house in the middle of nowhere... 🏡
When you mentioned the Foreigner Strategy in relation to befriending women, it revealed so much about myself. Thank you for sharing your story.
ASD/ADHD here. I was born and raised in Mexico, but had a strange name and a foreign dad (who thrived in the expat role), so I could ride on that. Then, as a grownup, I moved to Spain. I always say that Mexico ejected me like a watermelon seed. It kind of worked, but I'm so good at adapting that I became the "Spaniard" with the odd name. Maybe it would have helped to have kept more of an accent, or something else that would remind people that I'm not from here. But a parallel process was maturing and accepting myself and actually cherishing my oddness, to the point where I no longer cared if people accepted me or not. And that's where I am right now. I don't care. My cat doesn't care, either.
Thanks for the video. The foreigner strategy is why I'm a substitute teacher. At a school, you are a foreigner and after a couple of days, just when you are expected to start fitting in, you move on to your next assignment. Early in my career, I discovered that by the third day, students and other teachers expected you to start fitting in. I started getting trouble on day 3 of assignments, and often got removed or had to voluntarily remove myself from assignments on average about the 4th or 5th day of an assignment. However, lately, I've discovered that if I reveal myself to be autistic early on in an assignment, I can usually make it through longer assignments.
The drawback of being a substitute teacher is the change of routine required. One way of getting around this problem, is to fill in your schedule far in advance. This gives you plan to finish the tasks you want to complete in a given day. Make sure you know how to use GPS or a google driving direction app. and schedule your assignments at schools with similar school hours in any given week. I also find it helpful to schedule earlier starting schools earlier in the week, and later starting schools later in the week. Also, you can take days off to prevent or recover from meltdowns.
So many times I'm asked "which country are you from"... in my own country LOL
Great video as always.
I can relate to a greater portion of the video. Thank you! Now it comes together for me why I enjoyed being abroad so much.
Right now the foreigner strategy is falling apart for me because I have a Russian passport, and it is not fun anymore. I do not support war in any way, and I feel like we have lost in our own country with our effort to oppose the ruling party.
I found comfort in the group of close friends who are as quirky as I am as there are zero expectations from their side. But I do have a crisis, as I do not know how to live along, as there is so much guilt and norms I have to conform from now on. Also that is definitely a lesser evil comparing to people who live in Ukraine, and I feel their pain as mine (also part of my family is from Ukraine), but I feel numb when I try to explain this to other people.
Being the eternal outsider comes with its perks, thank you for illustrating this for me.
Totally agree Paul!!! You've hit the nail right on the head. I've often described this myself as I have lived outside of my home country for 16 years now and yet never felt more "at home'. I was only diagnosed autistic a few years ago at the age of 46 and since then it's made so much sense as to shy I feel more comfortable living as a foreigner in Belgium. The pressures we get from trying to conform in our own culture are no longer there and I'm expected to be different and my 'weirdness' is much more acceptable :-) You also mentioned several things that gave me more food for thought. For example, like many autistic folk, I've always preferred the company of people much older or younger than me, animals, people with other differences such as disabilities, men and people from all sorts of minority groups . The 'foreigner' strategy makes total sense in all of these situations. Thanks for another fab video.
Something you said resonated with me a lot. The receiving recognition but thinking that recognition is for your mask and not you. I pushed myself to be a tour guide for several years, ended in massive social burnout, in the process I built what must have been a good mask as I ran one of the top rated tours for the year. I received many reviews, many compliments, but it didn't really feel like I had done anything, it was all this mask I put on everyday to go to work.
I feel like a lot of the people around thrive off compliments, it brightens their day. For me compliments feel like they don't have a home, I don't know what to do with them. I always feel if they knew the real me they wouldn't be giving them to me.
That is brilliant, this is why I love traveling...oddly enough it works even when traveling in the same country but in different states or even in different cities. At least in the US, in some places people will be nicer to me if I tell them "I'm not from here" 😄 It's subtle sometimes but it is very refreshing, I've been bullied all of my life for my differences by peers. I can relate to your experience with socializing better with the opposite gender, it's a lot easier for me to talk to men than to women, although it's gotten a bit harder as I've aged. Not sure why exactly but it seems to have something to do with how men and women age differently, and also, being autistic makes us behave more youthful than others our own age, at least that's been my experience. Thanks for your videos, they've been a great help
I can so relate: best time of my life being a student in Spain. My compulsive,structured and slightly socially awkward nature was just related to me "being German"..back in Germany I cannot hide me being slightly different that well at work haha
This is exactly the strategy I've been using. I have never fit in with others of my same gender and have always been more comfortable doing things with groups of the opposite sex. And I've tried to fit in with my peers and been successful for a bit of time, but I always do or say something 'wrong' and end up as a reject. It was good to hear from you on this topic because all that makes sense to me now.
THIS explains why i always make friends with people who have completely different interests to me. sometimes it gets lonely because i can’t talk about my special interests much, but i also like how i can talk about my special interests regardless of how normal they are
This was helpful in the way that I understand how to socialize with work colleges. I have been a self-employed music teacher and got a chance to be employed for a while. It was difficult to know what was expected of me in the interaction with the other music teachers. Now I understand that I just need to see that what we all have in common is music teaching in that music school. What a relief. I can see different situations as boxes within which there is a set interest.
I used to wear eyeliner in high school (I’m a guy) and it was very different for everyone, I was the only one who did it, but I was proud to be myself and I enjoyed it. It helped me learn that it’s alright to be different, even though I don’t wear eyeliner anymore, because I no longer dress scene, to this day I still have my way of being different and I love it. Another great video.
I didn't fit in with my peers in the culture I grew up in. I only like them in basic appearance. Other than that, I had interests and abilities that none of them placed any value in or that they thought a boy should be interested in. Many of them decided it would be more fun to tease me and treat me terribly instead of trying to accept me. Those who didn't ignored me. My favorite place to be was with my grandparents and their friends.
I went to sewing circle, quilting bees, bird watching club, gardening club, etc. with my grandma. That was my preferred kind of socializing. Unlike the boys my age where I lived, I was genuinely interested in birds, plants, cooking and making things. The ladies in those clubs were thrilled that someone like me was interested in what they were doing and delighted in teaching me all about it. I was different in so many ways from them, yet I was accepted because I had a shared interest, so it was a sort of mix of the foreigner strategy and the niche strategy.
When I went to college, I found that I got along best with students from other parts of the country and from other countries entirely. My major had a lot of science classes in which I was often the only student from Western Nebraska, sometimes even from America, in the room. It was the first time that I'd really spent a lot of time with people from outside my little corner of the world, so it was quite an eye-opening experience. It was like traveling to other countries without leaving my own state because I took the time to get to know these fellow students and ask them about their cultures. Some of them were just as curious about what to them was the exotic foreign culture of the 'cowboy' which was the culture I'd grown up in. I didn't fit in with the cowboy culture of Western Nebraska, but I knew a lot about it.
I’ve always wondered about why I prefer to travel and live internationally in other cultures (the more different from my own, the better) when I struggle so much with understanding social situations in my own culture. That dichotomy has always made me doubt myself. It’s honestly mind blowing to hear someone else describe it exactly the way I experience it. Thank you!
holy crap! I didn’t realize until you spelled it out for me in this video. I feel the most comfortable when I’m purposefully the odd person out in a group. that is exactly when I’ve felt the most normal. the least amount pf expectation to conform. the least amount of pressure to like what everyone else likes
I am the art yeacher.... so that automatically gives me a kind of pass for being quirky and weird. And now i have found a group of reborn doll collectors and artists, which is my current hyperfocus. So im doing both!
Yess! I'm currently an art teacher too and it's my longest held job at 4 years! I can be weird, hyperfocused, dress messier with comfort shoes, control my environment and now am trying to better support my possibly nuerodivergent students because I also have to cover my ears during fire drills so we relate. If I could only find another art teaching job abroad I'd be set. 😅
I have done that several times without realizing it. Interesting topic!
I fell into this too! When I was struggling with anxiety, it got better when I traveled! I remember how distinct that was when I went to Europe and my anxiety was no longer a problem, then literally half a day back into my old routine and it was a problem again.
- Part of it was that I knew if I messed up people would assume it was by mistake (there ARE people in the world who mess up on purpose in order to manipulate - if you meet them, run away!)
- Another part was that my fear was that people might feel trapped in a friendship with me, and were building up resentments that would explode one day, but while traveling I wasn't worried because I'd be friends with someone briefly and then we'd part ways.
The very moment I saw your video's title I KNEW what it was about and I KNEW that it's what I've done for the past 30 years. But I did this in a "hyper" way, the most literal way possible. I became a foreigner. I have lived in Eastern Europe since 1995, and this lifestyle freed me to be "the odd one out" without excuses. Even though I managed to assimilate to the culture and, especially, the language, in beautiful ways that my closest circle loved, it is all the same true that I was never expected really to BE a true "local," and I was always exempt from conforming to the myriad of subtle "signals" and deep-level historico-cultural conventions that, were truly local people to violate them they would be considered socially inappropriate or just "weird." But I had something of a free pass, one, I hasten to say, that I never abused. And I always find spending time back "home" in the USA psychically exhausting, and incrementally, exponentially so. An advantage that I have perhaps over you is that I've formed the social connections necessary so as not always to be some kind of "escapee" from my home country. I belong here too. And I...breathe easier somehow. Funny difference between us: I am hugely more relaxed among a group of men than conversing with women.
Yes. Very true. I'm a complete different person when traveling to other cultures. I'm from Denmark, and my best journeys ever was Thailand and Philippines.
I'm planning to retire in 2024, and I actually consider moving to Philippines, or at least live there when it's winter here in DK.
I feel so much more alive when I'm traveling those places. I have been in Kenya and Zimbabwe too, but Asia is for sure "my place"
I'm 56 now. And I always liked female company much more. Today my 2 very best friends are young Asian women in their mid 20's. One is Chinese and the other one Indonesian. 😊