Making Good Friends as an Autistic Adult (4 Steps to Leverage Your Special Interests)
Вставка
- Опубліковано 5 чер 2024
- Making friends as an autistic adult is more challenging because we often don’t share stereotypical interests with the rest of the population. It is easier to connect with people if we have some common ground, so when no one knows about the topics I want to talk about, then that’s a challenge. In this video, I will share the different strategies that we can use to make it easier to find other people who like the kind of things that I like.
Free Resource: finding and keeping close friends in the modern world - www.hinterlandlab.com/case/ki...
EQ 101 course - Master Emotional Intelligence: autismexplained.kartra.com/pa...
1:1 Coaching Info: autismexplained.kartra.com/pa...
🎞️Timestamps:
0:41 Introducing
2:31 Special Interests and Genuine Interest
5:05 Focus on where you are right now
7:11 Being yourself
9:38 Keep at it to increase our chances
11:16 Work smarter than harder
-----------------------------------------------
👋Welcome to Autism From The Inside!!!
If you're autistic or think you or someone you love might be on the autism spectrum, this channel is for you!
I'm Paul Micallef, and I discovered my own autism at age 30.
Yes, I know, I don't look autistic. That's exactly why I started this channel in the first place because if I didn't show you, you would never know.
Autism affects many (if not all!) aspects of our lives, so on this channel, I want to show you what Autism looks like in real people and give you some insight into what's happening for us on the inside. We'll break down myths and misconceptions, discuss how to embrace autism and live well, and share what it's like to be an autistic person.
Join me as I share what I've found along my journey, so you don't have to learn it the hard way.
Make sure to subscribe so you won’t miss my new video every Friday and some bonus content thrown in mid-week too.
➡️️ / @autismfromtheinside
👋Connect with me:
➡️️ Patreon: / aspergersfromtheinside
➡️️ Facebook: / autismfromtheinside.co...
➡️️ Twitter: / aspiefrominside
➡️️ Written Blog: aspergersfromtheinside.com/
➡️️ Email: aspergersfromtheinside@gmail.com
Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoy my channel!
Peace,
~ Paul
#autism #asd #autismawareness
Helpful Tip: find somewhere to volunteer. Animal shelter, fire department, habitat for humanity, litter cleaning, place of worship, etc. You can come and go at your own pace & meet some nice people.
Totally agree
I'd recommend volunteering to make friends only if the volunteering aligns with your special interests.
Even then you will encounter a lot of people who are either high school and college kids volunteering for required community service hours, or retirees volunteering at something they're moderately interested in because they need something to do with their time.
@@jliller I would add that you might still find friendships among those college students and retirees if you can make room for their varying degrees of interest.
+1 for the FD. As someone having a special interest in fire trucks, it's the best place to hang out at.
Small talk and being friends for the sake of being friends tends to remove motivation to find and maintain something.
Paul: Be in the moment.
ADHDers: Not familiar with the concept.
I’m definitely ADHD and I have learned to do this at least some of the time…
This was brilliant. Having recently gotten rid of two of the narcissist friends that I had, I needed to fill the gap. There was someone who I knew and really liked. We were work acquaintances but thought it would be a good fit to hang out more. So I mentioned that to her and IT'S HAPPENING! I was very aware not to overwhelm her with attention and chill when needed. It worked! I'm 66 and have had a long life of sometimes getting it wrong. I also realized that no one, including me, likes to hang out with someone who complains all the time. Being positive and supportive is a much better strategy. I think I'm finally catching on. Good luck out there, everyone. xoxo
Audhd: the special interest is very broad and changes. New habits are formed with hobbies and friends come along.
Alternatively, you have several special interests that don't really overlap and each predominately attracts a different kind of person than the others. So you end up with several groups of acquaintances with no crossover potential.
yeah my problem is the interests are always changing and I don't get too deep into any of them, so I don't have too much to share about them. not sure what to do anymore
I am AuDHD and I have several main interests and several more lesser interests that I rotate between.
Please forgive me as this is not related to the topic at hand. One thing I noticed in almost all of the podcasts on autism, is those of us about 50 maybe even closer to 60 or 70, who have just found out we are autistic and lead our entire lives, trying to be NTZ, not knowing any better, I don’t find much of any help out there for any of us. Most of us have masked so hard, our entire lives, that we find ourselves, not knowing even who, or what we are on the day, we find out about autism or divergent needs. I have found that not only for myself, but for some who are basically seniors, this whole process can be downright mind depending and carry a trauma weight of its own. I would so much like to see some podcasts for seniors who are very recently discovered their autistic cells. I would never suggest it’s worse or better for any of us, but our experience is truly unique, because just at the time we should be winding down and enjoying life, we find out we have never been the person we thought we were, and it can be extremely confusing and troubling. it’s one thing to find out when you’re 20 or 30 or maybe even 40, but when you spent 60 or 70 years, it’s a big deal, a real big deal, and it would be nice to see if there were some of the Podcasters expressed some sincere concern, and trying to help us find our way. Thank you so much for reading.
This is extremely tough for all of us regardless of age. The struggles of older individuals is no less than that of those younger than yourselves. There is no shame in learning that you have 'high functioning" autism (what used to be called Asperger's) this late in life. Consider that the diagnosis for Asperger's first appeared in the DSM in 1988, and it always takes some time for things to trickle down to us lay people. The wording may have changed, but the diagnosis didn't even exist until you were grown adults.
I think that the best person to do a podcast like this is someone who shares that life stage with you as they can better relate to your unique life circumstances. And I really do hope that you can find someone that can help provide some information.
The only person that I can think of that might have an idea about this is Dr. Temple Grandin. She mostly speaks about children and how people learn, but she has autism and has a lifetime experience in living with it. Maybe there are others that can help?
What may be another possibility is to see if there are videos of Pauls where he interviews other autistic individuals. There may be included some older people who may have their own podcasts/channels. If nothing else, they will be sharing their experience.
Good luck on your unique journey 👍
I’m in my 50s. I’ve wondered about being autistic for 25 years, but I didn’t know enough to even understand how to take a next thought. I’m now self-identified AuDHD, just started adhd meds today, and am waiting on a formal assessment to give more information to my undiagnosed kids (I’ve got one diagnosed with autism, one I suspect is autistic, one I suspect is ADHD, and one I suspect is AuDHD like me; with an adhd spouse, we are a SPICY family!) and maybe provide some leverage for accommodations.
The thing that is really driving my journey is my work became too much, and that has overwhelmed my entire life. That’s the point where I had to say “this is more than being a little autistic sometimes”.
In the process, I’ve started to unmask, and it’s brought a massive challenge: regression. Skills I’ve had for years feel muted and ungainly. It’s like I’ve forgotten how to deal with life.
This is apparently a side effect that doesn’t get talked about. Your coping strategies may be tied to the same neural pathways as your mask. As you unmask, those pathways start to get torn down, but that takes down the easy access to your coping strategies. All the stuff I did to suppress sensory overloads and the need to stim along with the focus to provide more to my job than I physically can (at the expense of health) have evaporated, and I am struggling. I’m crossing fingers that new pathways develop while ordering stim toys.
Spaces on the internet usually have narrow age ranges but this one is an exception, as an anecdotal evidence I often see people as young as teens and as old as 60s or 70s commenting on the same videos. I think this is quite an unusual challenge especially as society in general doesn't really teach us to be knowledgable or empathetic with the realities and viewpoints of people who are generations apart from you.
I'm 54 now, I was diagnosed aspergers in 2003.
Over the years, that diagnosis has actually done very little besides explain things to myself. All the "help" out there is primarily focused on children. Even an "adult" with autism is usually in their 20's or 30's.
Almost all professionals in the field focus on treating children and are completely unfamiliar with the unique issues middle age and senior autistic people experience. There is just more "sympathy money" in it. A business/charity gets more support if they can advertise that they "help kids". Not so much support if they say "we help older people". Society does not care once you pass 30. We get more on our own as we get older. Aging is a sentence to hell and isolation. :(
All I do now is wait for my physical end, I am hoping neglect of my health and not seeing a doctor will shorten things. I can't take it anymore. I hate my life. My "diagnosis" was 100% USELESS.
The surfing analogy Paul uses is excellent for remembering the essence of this advice. Thanks Paul!
i also find it fun to be friends with people who have different special interests - even if it's not something i'm into personally, i just love seeing other people's passion, learning new things, and telling them about my special interests too. sometimes we get each other interested in our interests, and sometimes we just have fun exchanging information. feels really organic to me.
For me, volunteering is the best strategy to make friends. At high school, I was bullied for 6 years because of the Asperger’s Syndrome. I was expected to fit in to a specific sporting mould. At La Trobe University, I found it a very lonely experience. I currently attend a seniors’ group at the Lalor Library (for people over the age of 55).
I think it should be added that it can sometimes be a good idea to open your age group a bit. I did appreciate friendships with people much older and also much younger than me. There is a lot of ageism in all directions, just be aware that reality doesn’t limit you to your age group.
Common interests provide an opening, but that's it. When you got together to play tennis, just how much did you actually talk about tennis?
People want easy conversation. Even autistic people want easy conversation. When you show up at these meetups, even nerdy interests that you think will be neurodiverse, you're going to find that the people have already formed friendships and have each others phone numbers and meet up outside these gatherings, and you will feel even more isolated because they've managed to become close and you are barely a visitor.
So you've managed to have their company for this event. Now you have to perform. You have to be interesting to talk to, or you're going to be a wallflower and listen to them talk about politics, their families, get togethers they have elsewhere, their house shopping, their yardwork. And you thought they'd be talking about tennis.
You Nailed it 100%.
& definitely expect them to be talking about you & how awkward you were if you didn't fully engage in the conversation. Nothing pleases neurodivergents more than communal comparison. If you don't show up to perform or entertain ; those other participants willingly mock you. Which only solidifies the isolation afterwards.
I find I don't talk much about my hobby unless it's new ideas or with new people that probably won't be long term friends. But hang around long enough and people warm up. I've never had the cliques like others do from school.
This has been my experience. I don’t blame them. I just can’t make small talk, even about a special interest, and you can’t get anywhere if you can’t start with that, no matter how many times you go. Some combination of autism and fear of rejection leaves me on the outside, even in special interest groups.
And when you add face blindness and no autobiographical memory to the mix (which makes names HARD), remembering people you talked to last time is a problem, and nobody likes to be forgotten.
@@NitFlickwickI struggle with this as well. I often think that I have met a person before, even in weird places were this would be unlikely… but life has shown that it’s true, you can accidentally meet at the other side of the globe and universe is chuckling while eating popcorn seeing your confusion. What I wanted to suggest: I try to make rhymes in my head when I meet a new person with their name and a particularity of theirs, the more absurd the better. Like „Sam the sorcerer with one tooth missing, because he forgot that he turned the bread into gold“… yes i also have adhd and a vivid imagination, which can be leveraged for memory issues.
I think that even knowing these points I don't have enough introspection(?) to use them; as for the point of staying in touch with the people who like your genuine self - I don't think I ever undestood when I was liked or when I was made fun of or ignored, meaning - in short - when my society was welcome to the other person. After an interaction I don't know what impression I've left and what their response has been. Most of the time I feel scared that they just act politely and simply tolerate me. I can't tell between politeness and liking. For me only time can tell whether that other person wants to keep in touch.
Oh yes! This is not talked about enough. I have the same problem all the time. Even right now I don't know why a certain person didn't reply for over a day, although we were in the middle of a constant back and forth chat. Did I say something wrong? If yes, what? Is it just her borderline and depression? Am I paranoid?
Two weeks ago at work I had a talk with a new boss. It went ok I'd say, but I have no idea if he's just a surprisingly friendly person that cares about the employees, or a manipulative narcissist that wants to lure me in and then rip me off, because my mild autism made me look like an easy victim.
i made online friendships via a special interest and i am now closer with them than my real life friends. in my real life friendship group, we bonded over shared suffering (trauma bonding i guess) but when i started looking after myself we drifted a part. my online friends are supportive of my victories and sympathetic to my sorrows, and best of all we get to scream together over our favourite fictional people!! it's the best
I remember when I was in Year Ten, I went to bed and read a book while my brother was watching the State of Origin. My mother stopped by my room and said, "You're not interested in the football, are you?" "No," I replied. A few weeks later, she told me that I should watch some of it. If ever I watch it, I only ever do it from a dispassionate viewpoint. I have no interest in it and masking doesn't last for me. I don't recommend watching football just to be able to talk to people.
I have noticed, as I got older, and I was the same when I was younger, that I tend to put people into categories and say, "Okay, that's someone I know from that group; that's someone I know from that group; and that's as far as it goes.
I already struggle with step 1, figuring out what I actually really like 😅
I am not autistic, but many of the points made here have served me well too. Some of the best friends I have today are people from aikido, which is one of my most dearly loved hobbies. The training gave me reasons to interact with people, something to talk about, and a calm, structured setting where I could gradually become more comfortable around them. My friends started inviting me out to dinners, etc. after training with me several times, and gradually the friendships grew. So, yeah! If there's a social thing centered on something you find interesting, that can definitely help! The nature of the activity might affect how much it facilitates socializing, though. Aikido training, for example, is highly interactive. (Addendum: also worth noting, aikido wasn't always one of my most dearly loved hobbies. It started as something I was interested in trying. I was just beginning when I first met my friends.)
I'm so used to being exhausted by socializing. The idea that I can choose something I enjoy doing as the first step is encouraging.
Thank you for sharing this... I'm one month in on adhd medication with autism considered "traits". My life changed for the better the first two weeks- I delved back into passions of art and fashion but it took a turn for the worst these last two weeks when I spent time with "friends" who were condescending and passive aggressively putting down my art passions. It started a downward spiral into severe, severe depression. I didn't know what was happening and thought I was bipolar. Only after watching your videos, I understand what happened- I was convinced I wasn't really autistic since I became happy the first 2 weeks on adhd meds, but it aided me in dropping the mask and when I showed my real self (that was masked for decades) it hit an EXTREMELY sensitive chord. My mental health was slowly declining AGAIN & it didn't help when strangers would judge the colorful clothes/makeup I wore to express my moods/feelings. No wonder I guarded that part of me for so long. I'm still discovering answers to this journey on how to protect myself and find balance, but your validation and advice creates a safe space when others in our lives lose their patience and get angry when they don't understand how hard it is to manage meltdowns. It's a mind body and soul experience. I really appreciate you and your videos.
Strangely, I can't say I ever yearned to "make friends," in the plural. There was a time in my life, in youth, where I simply accepted it as a given that I wasn't a person who was popular, who could fit into groups. Later in life, when I understood the social rules better, and also when I was in circles that shared my values more, having "friends" was something that came more naturally. Yet neither before nor after this transition was I ever particularly compelled to find, make, gather friends. What always DID seem to be a running theme in my life, though, was "Do I have A friend?" Is there that one person with whom I have a cherished "soulmate" relationship? Thankfully, I can say that nearly 30 years ago a friend like that appeared, in the most unexpected way, in my life, and he has been that friend all this time and ever more deeply (this is not a romantic-sexual relationship, and he's married, but it is none the less compellingly meaningful for that). I still have many friends, indeed good friends. But what sustains me in a singular way is the knowledge of that one, special friend, even when we have to be far away from each other for extended periods. The bond transcends time and space. Having only just discoverd my autism nearly a year ago, I have come to realize what a saving grace this friendship really was these past nearly 30 years, how it cushioned me from the world's buffeting, with my friend often running interference, instinctively, as if he knew. But he didn't. And yet...did he? And did I? Really? On a level deeper than words?
❤️
I had a similar situation. I only saw the need for one friend at a time. My best friend of 47yrs unexpectedly got a brain tumour. It's five yrs since he died and I still miss him every day.
@@a440dc 😢
For number one, giving someone else's interest a fair try isn't a bad idea. Getting a feel for why it is interesting to them can bond you closer, even if it is outside my comfort zone. I often read books friends recommend, even if they are outside my usual picks. I dont always love the books, but I have also found new areas of interest to bond over and can understand a friend better. Generally people appreciate when you check out things they recommend. It also can get people to check out media I recommend that I think they will like.
Definitely agree with stick with the things you like, and time has proven me right time and time again to make friends. But we also need to accept friends move on as we change as adults with priorities.
I am looking to socialise less and downsize my circle, not to socialise more and collect more friends. I constantly feel I am spending too much time out and about and with others and not enough time by myself in order to recover my energy and tend to my interests and ideas in solitude, which I crave.
You sound like you’re speaking from a point of view of someone who is fairly competitive, which I am not at all. And I am fed up with constantly being pressured to be - at work and in a personal life.
*I disagree with the premise that special interests and hobbies matter when it comes to making good friendships in adulthood.* It can be quite opposite than that. Perception of social circle where we kind of know many people, but have zero real friends in, can create even more feeling of isolation and loneliness for some people, as well as putting more effort into circles and people that simply don’t have the substance and don’t exist on the same wavelength as we do. Also, lots of special interest and hobbyist groups give off cult-ish like vibes and only put me off. Like a herd inside of a bigger herd.
I also have a few non Autistic friends who constantly get disappointed and frustrated because they place so much weight and importance on connections with people who share their interests and hobbies and then it turns out that’s pretty much all they have in common.
I have quite a few hobbies and special interests that I adore and I know quite a few people in those circles, but most of them I would not let in my inner circle. What matters *the most* in friendships (or any kind of quality relationship) is invisible, and it includes: morals, character, values, people’s essence, hearts, souls and minds, empathy, compassion, effort, care for nature, animals, and the environment, thoughtfulness, openness to get to know another and to be known for real, willingness to soften heart, actively working on own issues and getting help, willingness to be vulnerable, to care and allow to be cared for, to laugh and cry together, to show your quirky side but also your wounded side, and putting real effort in learning how to communicate and give safety.
What matters *the least* is the fact that they are into same interests and hobbies as I am, that they are obsessed with numbers, statistics, cooking, books and sharks like I am. Many people who share my interests and hobbies don’t share my values at all. On the other hand, some of the kindest, bravest, realest human beings I know and have as my friends share zero special interests and hobbies in common with me. But they can see me for my qualities and for my heart. They don’t filter me through their prejudices, insecurities and past wounds. That’s invaluable. That’s everything!
Also, I enjoy engaging with some of my special interests by myself, not with others, while I am drawn to people who are different than I am in their outer outlook, who have different hobbies and knowledge than mine, which allows me to learn about new things, skills and concepts from them.
❤ thank you for that , i needed this! I feel energized and i feel warm , my heart feels warm after reading this 😊.
@@celine-fd4lm Hey ❤️
I'm unsure you're the audience for this video. I got the impression this is for NDs who don't just feel isolated but *are* isolated and possibly not talking to anyone for days. Two very different experiences of the loneliness and I'll tell you, severe social anxiety, agoraphobia, and the *real* isolation that comes with it are severely detrimental to an individuals health. All the best.
@@IamNoodly I feel for you. Thank you for sharing how the entire thing looks and feels like from your perspective and what you are going through. 🖤I don't have anxiety or agoraphobia (but do have other things). I prefer to spend time by myself rather than with others, as overstimulation of the outer world feels insane to my nervous system. I also prefer to be in silence and not speak for the most part, which doesn't sit well with others. In that way, I don't only feel isolated, I feel like I am from another planet and Galaxy all together. Cannot keep up with world's demands and expectations to socialize and constantly chit chat, write on work messenger and talk, especially at work. Still, I don't think that special interests are relevant for genuine connections, no matter where you are in life. Especially those that encourage people to compete with and against each other. And most psychological research backs me up on this. Sharing real stuff, like you just did, is the basis for genuine connection with others.
@@celine-fd4lm Hey ❤
Alright, let's give this a try!
Step 1: Find something you generally like doing.
Well fuck...
ha ha
😂
Following 😂
Something you generally like doing and where you meet others....so sitting in my room watching movies ... Yeah nope.
Car cinema
Tennis is a great sport! Even the rhythm of hitting against the wall, some on the Spectrum find very soothing (and improves your game). We work with Aceing Autism which helps Autistic kids play tennis. The lack of screaming in normal spectator sports is a plus. A very meditative state when you can get a good rally. Join a local tennis meetup if you're looking to find others.
This is pretty much what I do and it does work well. All my life I thought of myself as an introvert but now that I don't have the drain of masking and self-criticism turns out I may be an ambivert.
Absolutely key to me to have gone from isolation to being engaged has been social safety. To be around kind and accepting people and to have a validating inner circle. I don't waste time on people who probably aren't going to get me and find those who do. Often they're like me. Through work and support groups I soend time with other autistic people too and I love that.
@5:20, Knowing nothing about relationships, I felt exactly that way, and it made me try hard, even with all of the red flags waving in my face. We’ve been married for 22 years. I was very young, and decided we’d be married, after the second date. I was generally “myself”, and was accepted, which was rare. It made me feel good, and confused.
Wow, this video came just in time for me because I lost my best friend and I am moving to a new city where I don't know anyone, so I am terrified about whether I'll be able to make any friends.
It was so easy as a kid and student, I always had friends, though there always was the threat of them joining bullies. But as an adult I just gave up for years, now I'm trying but it's really difficult. I feel weird, don't know what to do as a next step.
Thank you for this video! These are great tips although I think I’m too burned out right now to try to make any friends. I just got diagnosed autistic. I don’t know if this is a common thing but I am a pretty woman and it is so hard for me to make any friends because most women just don’t like me and I get along best with men. But then I learn that the men don’t actually want to be my friend, they want to date me. So I have a boyfriend I love but I have no friends because I had to drop all my male friends because they wanted to date me. And I find neurotypical women incredibly frustrating because they never say what they mean and we don’t have similar interests.
I’m not sure if I am autistic but these tips really ressonate with me and I think they are valuable regardless if you are neurotypical or not.
I would say, that whether or not you're Autistic, this is really solid, well thought out and formulated advice, for all ages.
Very good video and excellent points. This is stuff I've learned the hard way and wished I'd known when I was a lot younger.
Meh, I gave up on close bonds. Brief positive encounters with recurrent strangers is it.
Why gave up?
You have positive IRL encounters?
I've been playing casual pickup volleyball for 12 years. I wouldn't say I have necessarily made friends through it, but I have people I'm friendly with, and I'm pretty darn good at volleyball
If I may address your use of "special" when you refer to interests.
Food for thought, I personally (and this is just my thoughts on the matter and I am in NO WAY judging or saying how you say it is incorrect, I merely want to give a different view point)
Instead of using the word special interest(s)... as I cannot for the life of me figure out what makes them any more "special" than the interests of Neurotypicals... I personally choose to use the word Interest(s) AND if it's something that I am DEEPLY into, I use the terms
Intense interest, or an interest that I am super passionate about.
For me (and I know for others that I have discussed this with in the autism community) the word "special" can (not always) imply Special as in Special needs...know what I mean?
So, whenever possible (as I am still new to learning the language) I try to focus on not making it about being "special" but more about how intense I am about the hobby/interest I have
I mean no harm/disrespect and I am not saying you have to change your way of saying special interests
I hope you understand
Thank you.
Yes, this video was useful and valuable.
what if all of our special interests are done by ourselves?
Same here. I don't know how to do the things I like with others.
Me too. Whenever someone asks "but... as a childless single... what the heck are you doing in your spare time?" I don't know what to answer. Because they wouldn't understand "I have over a hundred fields of interest, usually care about 5 or so at the same time, what I currently prioritize changes every couple weeks, is mostly specific niche stuff, and I mostly just educate myself on it in great detail, think/dream about it, brainstorm and take notes, but never actually do/create/buy/experience it because all the reading and watching leaves no time to actually do it, and some is just too outlandish and unrealistic, and I have no idea how to integrate another person into this." 🤷♂️
@@allesdurchprobiert I'm exactly like this! I've currently a minimalism project and just spend time listening to podcasts about it, planning how to apply it to my life etc. Actually the only thing I can do together with others is watch my favorite TV series
(as long as they don't talk!!!)
@@veronical.c890 Hey, I'm also in a minimalism/life cleanup process! No one can help me there I guess.
My only proper hobby is riding my bike for hours. But I prefer to do that alone too to be able to enjoy the silence and freedom and nature.
❤ love the surfing/wave analogy
Hi, Paul. Discovered your channel quite recently. I want to tell you how much I appreciate the advice you give, specially in this video, for a topic which is quite challenging to me. Thank you and keep 'em coming!
Very helpful video/topic!
This is somewhat affirming-joined a group called single volunteers. If I didn’t meet someone I had done a good deed. Also much easier for me to chat with someone I happened to be weeding next to than to try to approach someone artificially at a happy hour type events. This was a dating organization and not neurodivergent specific-clarification as I watch video…
I think there should be more videos about Neurotypical behaviour, like why the behaviour is terrible ?
Aspie greetings🥸🇳🇴👋🏻
another very important video, which is also not JUST for people on the spectrum.
Hi Paul, I love your videos, I made friend with an amazing guy a month ago and I am now trying to educate myself on autism and how interact in a good way! I heard you saying in another video that you run online meet ups once on a while for people to share experiences on autistic traits, would it please be possible for me to join? As I am neuro divergent I can stay silent during the session and just listen - please let me know! Still congratulations for the great job of sharing that you're doing ❤cheers
Hi Paul, it would be good for a neurotypical to know how to make friends to autistic people that they like. I have found quite a few autistic people I would have loved to make friends with and got it terribly wrong. Two of them even thought I was in love with them, due to my overexcitement in finding honest, competent and illuminating people to connect with at long last. Which has been extremely embarrassing, because I was soooo much older than them. So, if you may deal with that too? And if you have already done that, I am sorry to have bothered.
i like this video
I’ve made friends with shared interests, however my interests can change suddenly and this can jeopardise friendships, any advice for this?
If your only connection with someone is a shared interest that's not a friend, that's an acquaintance.
Friendships are when the interpersonal relationship grows beyond that one interest, and thus can survive its loss.
@@jliller thanks!
I found book clubs as a source to at first just connections (cause i was starting from zero) to somewhere friends. Books are not my interest that much, but the discussion and developing through "high" literature are. And so through going to meetings of that type (alive) i have a sort of a friend now (sort of, cause i still have no idea how it has to feel etc in terms of "friendship", but due to all the "symptoms" according to life experience our relationships are somewhere there).
I sing at karaoke. The same people go over and over. So after a while it feels familiar. Some people even sit at their table and sing. I found out that singing can be a stim. Also I can act silly and awkward and no one cares.
Are any of your meet ups over Zoom? I would like that.
Thank you for sharing ❤ Can you share some books for dating? 🥰
Ime, you can't, at all! Unless its with someone whom is also Neuro divergent and meetings aren't too often!
I spend most of my time trying to organize and structure my life, is that a hobby🤔?
Why not?
Is it just me or is this video mirrored from the way it normally is? In my mind the fern and books should be behind the left shoulder.
I think Paul moved house and rearranged his background. He mentioned this in a previous video.
Tell me if you have any knowledge about this... I get told by people, they saw me, some where in public, approached me, and spoke to me... I look at them, and walk away... They approach me, next time they see me, and tell me this... And, I have no idea of what they are talking about, because I have no recollection of ever running into them. So apparently, I completely mentally checkout, at times, and have no memory of having encounters. Is this a possible autism thing... Can't find anything about it, online.
Have you looked into dissociation? It is often due to trauma but can be due to other things.
Or if my family or friends doesn't accept for who I am, I'll rather be by myself.
I know that quite a few autistic people have high empathy, me included. In some way, it might be a special interest for me. I love equality, and can’t stand people who hate/dislike/look down on people (who have done nothing wrong) who are disabled, different or in the lgbt+. Any tips on how to find out if the person whom you are trying to make friends with have bad attitudes like that? I just cut off a “friend” who was homephobic and transphobic, and I am still grieving. I don’t want something like that happening again.
To be clear, I found out that the “friend” was homophobic and transphobic (and more) three years into the friendship. It was devastating. Therefore I need to make sure they don’t have such bad attitudes before I start to love them.
@laymayday If you are in the USA bring up politics. You can find out quickly through policies they support.
@@laymayday Probably not phobic of anyone, just sick of _The Message_ being rammed down their throats from all sides in movies, games, social media, news, advertising, etc..
Like most people, they likely have nothing against those groups themselves, just the cu lt / culture that wants to give them special privileges above everyone else.
Making friends is gonna be hard enough if you're neurodivergent, but will be even harder if you're in a cu lt that makes you intolerant of standard mainstream opinions.
This stuff isn't actually popular in real life, it only looks that way on the media/internet because everyone with a different opinion gets cen sored.
@@liquidsnakex Are you talking about The Message of procreation and getting a life partner? That’s THE thing main stream media rams down our throats. You will struggle to find something to watch or listen to without at least a mention of one of the two. The same could not be said about people who are different and/or in the lgbt+. If you don’t know that then you must live under a rock.
Look up the definition of cult. You seem to have misunderstood what it is.😉
Do you seriously believe that just because people want to protect the different disabled groups and the lgbt+, that those groups are now privileged? You seemingly feel that you are now oppressed because you can’t oppress those groups like you could before huh? 😂 What a victim you are.
You don’t have asd do you? If you do then you can’t be very empathetic.
@@liquidsnakex Are you talking about The Message of procreation and getting a life partner? That’s THE thing main stream media rams down our throats. You will struggle to find something to watch or listen to without at least a mention of one of the two. The same could not be said about people who are different and/or in the lgbt+. If you don’t know that then you must live under a rock.
Look up the definition of cult. You seem to have misunderstood what it is.😉
Do you seriously believe that just because people want to protect the different disabled groups and the lgbt+, that those groups are now privileged? You seemingly feel that you are now oppressed because you can’t oppress those groups like you could before huh? 😂 What a victim you are.
You don’t have asd do you? If you do then you can’t be very empathetic.
I feel like when watching this video Paul wants to go surfing
The fact that we have to make a conscious effort in order to even get a tiny bit of attention is kinda sad
Im doomed lmao
we* even if undiagnosed
1st step: DON'T
2nd step: skip three
DONE
The only people who like us for who we are, are people just waiting to take advantage of us. Stick to yourself. Find a hobby. Pay your taxes (or don't) and just live. Screw friends. They don't exist for people like us.
this literally doesn't work for adults. will work for children but will not work for adults. NT adults don't care if they meet you through your hobby, no matter how much they like the same thing you do, no matter how much you spend your time with NT adults through a hobby, they will never see you as a good friend - had to learn this lesson the hard way myself. I was so fing naive! it was just so heartbreaking to find out that people who I knew for a DECADE through hobbies didn't even consider me a friend let alone good one! Spare yourself a heartbreak, NT adults usually don't look for friends this way, they become friends with people who are useful for them in real life and/or are successful. They will not consider you a friend just because you share a hobby or spend hours through years and years together on the same hobby. This world is just simply not meant for us in any way shape or form, we simply don't belong, so trying to make a connection will only end in heartbreak.
It depends on the people you meet. Shared hobbies doesn't guarantee that the people you meet aren't self-serving pricks. It's merely an opening, or opportunity (sadly, not without risks).
I'd recommend staying away from spoilt brats (including the adult kind) - because they will invariably only be interested in people they can "use" to get what they want.
On the other hand, people who have learnt how to make an effort (and to appreciate such things) in Life are more inclined to appreciate good will, rather then being preoccupied with self-serving material gain. If you have the opportunity to observe that they actively work towards solving/accomplishing things, then they might be good to associate with.
You don't have to make friends with neurotypical people. Autistic people are not as hard to find as you think and far easier to connect with.
@@NoiseDay I don't know a single autistic person in the country where I live and when I tried to talk to autistic people online we have nothing in common so we have nothing to talk about - I have never found an autistic person online who would have same interests as me. From my experience (as diagnosed old adult autistic person) autistic people are really hard to find and not necessary easier to connect with because we are so rare so it is very difficult to find someone who one has anything in common with
@@Typanoid I can barely understand your description, I have no idea how would I even observe that 😵💫Most people are angry when I talk and very few seem neutral when I talk (I would say it's like 95/5%) - those 2 things I can distinguish - I can not tell nothing else about a person or their emotions. How would I even find that online? And we still might have nothing in common. For example catholic nuns could be said they are not looking for self serving gain and are working toward accomplishing things yet they are homophobic haters who I experienced a lot of bad things from and are the cause of a lot of evil things where I live..
@@imaginefaraway
I'm sorry about being unclear. I'm not really sure how I can clarify. I'll have to sleep on it.
You do raise a good point: How do you observe if people are self-serving? Good question.
They make lots of demands. Don't give anything in return immediately. Have expensive tastes. Blames everyone else when something goes wrong - never take responsibility for the possibility that they might have made mistakes themselves.
Just to mention a few of their shitty habits, but unfortunately, it can be hard to recognize these, when you're already under pressure.
Those catholic nuns are definitely bad news - being homophobic is definitely both sinful, criminally old-fashioned and shallow. Oh and they're self-serving, because they they're being self-righteous (discriminating against minorities, merely for being different), without acknowledging a single flaw in their own morals or attempting to address said flaws.
Your reaching out to the camera lens goes way beyond unsettling, it's bad enough you earned a thumbs-down.
I used to play chess in Melbourne. There's a rough chance you know Robert Jamieson who as an International Master in chess, and an A grade tennis player.
I played at three chess clubs concurrently plus interclub chess and in various weekend chess competitions. While I felt I was generally well liked and well regarded, I had no social life with any of them outside of chess. I ran junior chess, organised the club calendar and my team for interclub. When I left Victoria, I was given a book about my favourite chessplayer, with very many Victorian chessplayers wishing me well and adding their autograph.
My daughters p[layed weekend sports, again I got on well with the other kids and the other parents, but saw none of them outside the sports activities.
I'm now a member of a photography club. I am also getting older, and my social skills are not improving.
There is probably a kinder way to phrase that you would prefer he doesn't reach out to the camera.
I rather not have any friends...to much bother
i would give up salvation and litteraly pay 50-100 USD a day just to have for friends to hang out with at this point, ive been trying to find & make friends for 20 years now with a GF being the one thing i want more than salvation at this point. I just want to feel wanted & or have at least .0000000000000000000000001% quality of life, but there no groups in my city and I have no transportation, Im starting to think I am the only autistic 38 year old guy with no life or friends in Gonzales Louisiana.
How do I make friends when I can't even talk like a normal person???
Make friends with people who struggle just as you do, perhaps.