My mom used to ground me just so I would stay home and play board games with her, but then when I wasn't very social she would say she was worried about me because a sad child makes a sad mom... So glad I don't have to be that woman's emotional support child anymore.
My mom was a single mother and I was her only child. When she would leave me at my friend's or leave to work she would remind me to hug her because "something bad could happen I might never see her again", she explained numerous wht-if scenarios like she might have a fatal car accident or some horrible scenario. It caused me to feel alone and worry about becoming an orphan. I think it contributed to my problem with catastrophic thinking and constantly worrying about what-ifs.
FRIEND. YOU JUST OPENED MY 33 YR OLD EYES. I did NOT see this until reading your comment. I understand, jfc I understand. Mouth on the FLOOR with the realization. Crazy how your brain can block out things to protect itself.
Omg my father did the same every time he went to work or any place outside home or even when he went to sleep! "You don't know if something terrible happens and we can't see each other again, so tell me goodbye and give me a kiss in the cheek ". I love my dad, it wasn't necessary to frightened me to farewell him... Now every time I'm away from my husband I'm terrified he could died in an accident 😢
Well all parents think of those things.The "what ifs ".What if something happens to you when you go out what if something bad happena to me and I never saw you again that is why we always say I love you when leaving kiss each other beacause you never know.On the other hand tho I wouldn't say that to my children.They have anxieties of their own.I wouldn't want to add to the trauma.
Just because your mother confided in, you does not mean she’s a Narcissistic we must not throw that word around. There are narcissistic tight people, but an actual diagnosis is important. What is your mom and very abusive situation to where she had no other outlet and she didn’t drink or do drugs but that was her outlet she just mentally let things out I mean that’s normal. People can only handle so much not to defend her situation, but I know in situation that people were not in Narcissistic and I made that mistake.
Actually, narcissistic people will isolate their victims with turning their children on them and everything else so again we have to be careful what we call narcissistic. I’ve been studying it for many years. I was married to a man that was very narcissistic, and it was very covert and insidious.
@@unknown6390 calm down... they are just saying that narcissism needs a diagnosis. people overuse that word without understanding there are many personality disorders besides that one. idk why you got triggered lol btw my notifications are off so i won't see any replies, bye
As an adult I came into a job with the opportunity for lots of travel, and I really wanted to do all that traveling, but I didn't because my mom told me over and over and over again how worried she was about me. I tried traveling for a bit but she would weep on the phone to me, and leave frantic messages if I didn't call her every single day, and tell me the toll my traveling was taking on her. So I stopped traveling for years. It took me almost 10 years to finally start traveling like I wanted to. I lost a decade of experiences and professional growth because my mom was uncomfortable. Later on she said "I never wanted you to not travel! I always wanted you to follow your dreams!" I'm dealing with the resentment now.
Gaslighting at her best! It’s sad when 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 what they did, and instead of acknowledging it and genuinely saying 𝘐'𝘮 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺, they rather see us question ourselves, when THEY were the ones that messed it all up 😞😑
When they come out with that AFTERwards pretending they didnt realize how they made you feel. I just wanna PSA this: if whining is what they keep doing as a response to your personal decisions like THIS, you might be in the clear. Albeit greatly annoyed
This is my mum right now. I have the opportunity to go to Italy right now and I made the mistake of telling my mum about it. Of course, instead of being happy for me, she made it about herself and I'm expecting her to tell me about some dire health problems she has when it's time for me to go.
My mom literally started having panic attacks and got really depressed when I moved out at the age of 23. I admit I almost dropped my entire life to move back in to support her emotionally. Thank God, I didn't eventually and decided to follow my dreams instead....She was so unbearably clingy that I eventually moved abroad😅 10 years and counting! Freeeedoooooommm😂 Note: My mom is the most mellow person in the world, that's why I felt the need to move back in. She's not the kind of person to yell or have a temper, but she will guilt trip you in unfathomable ways😅 I really love her but I had to go🙈 Edit: Thanks for 1000 likes!!!💜
@@Portia620 Definitely! She has been to several therapists/psychiatrists with no results, mainly because she either lies about stuff or isn't 100% honest. So she can't get the help she needs...🙄 I live far away thankfully, so she has no control over me since a long time
I can kind of relate. When I first started dating my boyfriend at 22 and wanted to go on dates once a week or once every 2 weeks, my dad acted like I needed his permission to do it. And he'd ask, "why do you want to see him so much?" And he had a breakdown over text saying I don't respect him because I stayed over at my boyfriend's parents' house. I plan on moving out in 2 years with my boyfriend, when we'll have more money saved. It's too much.
I think my mom was jealous that she actually succeeded in giving me a better life. And let me know all the time that she sacrificed her own well being to care for us (because we didn't have extended family support she was stressed all the time). I learned to ignore what I think she was trying to say and only listen to what she was actually saying because I was tired of trying to decode everything all the time. She adapted a bit to communicate more directly as a result.
Now tell me please how does that ignoring and listening to what a parent is actually saying work? Every time I ask, I end up decoding and everytime I say or do something I end up with anxiety and walking on eggshells...
@@hellhellerklarerBasically don’t think about anything besides what they literally say. If someone looks you up and downs and says “nice shoes” in a sarcastic tone, you just focus on what they say, and take it as a compliment. It forces people to be honest with you if they want your reaction to what they are trying to say.
The last line “..and take your guilty conscience with you!” really hit home… it was never verbally told to me but that was how i kept feeling and still do feel till today whenever i am doing something i know my parents can’t be a part of or won’t be. Especially when there’s something unpleasant or even mundane going on in their life and something better going on in mine - although a part of me wishes i could have better more joyful experiences together with them - i feel guilty for doing those things by myself when i do. Its like i always need an alibi to do those fun or pleasurable things that I really want to do.
I'm a mother now living with my husband and l still carry a ton of guilt. I love my mom but she would have destroyed my social life if she could have just because she was so lonely. She always hated my friends and constantly called, constantly guilt tripped me when l was going out. I had enough at 20 and completely ignored her meltdowns, started doing what l want and took the lead. I'm 22 now, we are starting to have a healthy relationship finally. She is best as a friend because l can't have her as guidance but now as a mother myself lm able to forgive. It's very very hard. I had a very difficult time transitioning into motherhood so l empathize with the struggles. She really was lonely and had no idea how to cope, l was her whole world. I helped both of us by getting away, she's finally focusing on herself.
@@pbj0815 Yep 👍 And when you don't do anything they enjoy you being there staying home while they ignore you or find something to pick or yell at you for because you know you gave into them and Now they have Free Range to continue.
my mom used to do this and i started ignoring those reactions with an "i love you !! ill be home at [whatever time] !!" carrying no sour tone or ill will while saying it . shes done it less and less and i feel almost no guilt for being my own person now
@@darknlovli id love to know how it goes ! i know some parents that are like this wont learn quick and i think some might even lash out a bit as a coping mechanism but i really do hope it works for you as well !!!
How did you come to this decision? This technique? My mom is the same way and that's not something I would have thought to do in a million years. Is there a theory behind it or is it just something you you found yourself doing?
@@Blablablahx3 it mostly came from me being tired of continuously ensuring my mom and realized i was unintentionally enabling her reactions by stopping and comforting her . i originally tried to argue with her about it and it didnt turn out well , there were a lot of arguments . so i decided instead of fights and anger boiling , i wanted to carry myself in a caring but firm manner to sort of set an unspoken boundary with her !
My mom did that to me. If I went out too many times in a week, she'd passive-aggressively tell me "you really think your home is a hotel, huh?" She even attempted to control me when I was an adult. I hated her so much, and now I feel so peaceful after moving out
That's SO my mom. I'm 27 and I've cut contact with her (and other family members like her) a few times in my life and every time there's guilt and peace. I think this time it's for good though. Putting my foot down until they change their ways. I hate what such people have done to their younger family members...
The hardest part of having a codependent mother is growing up to see yourself becoming that way too. I’m glad I woke up to it though, so I have a chance to do better for my own kids. This type of upbringing dumps so much guilt on a kid, and then as an adult when people say “why don’t you just not pick up the phone if your mom is calling too much?” they don’t realize that guilt is eating you alive. What if she needs me? What if she was kidnapped? What if something is on fire? What if what if what if?! So watching the phone ring, not picking up, even though for most people that’s the end of it, for the child raises this way, it’s the beginning of hours of feeling alternately angry and guilty.
Exactly. I'm afraid of becoming like my mom fr. My son's father said he started seeing the codependent parts in me and that freaked me tf out. I'm waking out of it but I still catch myself slipping sometimes and it bothers me. 😢
You must not have been raised by someone who literally trained you to never tell them no, and had to relearn, as an adult with your own kids, how to say no, how to not immediately trauma respond and fold like a card table, because from the moment you were born and you were basically playdoh to be molded, you were taught that telling your parent ‘no’ meant you were in judgement of hellfire. It’s fine to just admit you don’t know what this particular type of trauma does to a person, but don’t be that ass that tells a sick person to just ‘get better’ and then scoff when it doesn’t work like magic.
As a codependent mother who is now self aware I work everyday to be better and keep myself accountable checking in with my feelings and acknowledging them we can heal
Oh my goodness. This is my Dad from my childhood until now (he's 86.) Manipulative guilt trips for going and doing without him but zero effort on his part to be a part of my life. It made me so mad in my 20's & 30's when I would go visit my parents and he would promptly disappear to his room, outside or zone out watching tv/reading the paper while my mom and I visited. As soon as it was time for me to leavee would always appear with sad-faced, guilt-ridden pleas and attempts to keep me from leaving. I confronted him a number of times but he never acknowledged his behavior or changed. We've got to fix our own issues and stop messing up our kids! 😢
Wft.......In some ways, i feel like emotional neglect is so much better than some of these mind effes you guys went/go through, lol. That sounds so incredibly frustrating...
My dad does this as well. It's sad top because my mom enables his behavior. While my dad closes himself off from us in his room, my mom is constantly in everyone's business, telling my brothers and me that there is no such thing as privacy, and if we don't let her go through our things or have the numbers of all our friends, that we're hiding things from her and we're evil for doing so. My brothers and I are all full grown adults, but we have constantly been belittled and treated like we're children who need punishment for disobedience and rebellious behavior. The sad part is that throughout our childhood, we had to grow up fast and take care of each other because our mom couldn't take care of all 4 kids at once and our dad refused to help her take care of us beyond buying himself groceries (that we would try to make last for ourselves) and a bed to sleep on. He told her that he's not a babysitter everytime she asked for help and would return to the couch or his bed to keep watching TV while my mom would be stretching herself thin between 4 kids, her studies, and taking care of the house. I missed out on a 2 year medical program because my dad wanted to keep me at home to "take care of him," as in be at his beck and call every day because he has been fighting my mom for years and refuses to acknowledge that he has been sabotaging her career from the start. He even went as far as to call my youngest brother evil and selfish for choosing to stay on campus at his university (which is only 30 minutes away from our house), even though my dad spent my brother's entire university time fighting my mom, stopping him from studying, and pulling us into his room to complain and insult our mother for hours everyday. He went as far as taking money out of my brother's account that he had earned from working in our university research facility so that my brother wouldn't have any money to support himself while telling my brother that he (my dad) is not going to pay for any of his school fees for as long as he (my brother) stays on campus. Over the years, I realized that my dad only does things according to his plans. He didn't plan to take care of us, so he pushed that responsibility onto my mom. He didn't plan to stay in Canada after moving from our home country, so he manipulated my mom into leaving her job in Canada to go to America. He didn't plan for my mom to have a job in America, so he'd constantly move us around the united states to states where she couldnt practice medicine so that my mom couldn't secure a job. He didn't plan for any of his kids to leave the home, so he tried to keep us stuck in his home. He didn't plan for me to get in the med program and leave home, so he fed on my fears and anxieties to get me to come back home. He didn't plan for my youngest brother to live on campus, so he tried to sabotage his education. If he doesn't plan it, he will try to nip it at the bud. It's been really hard, as my mom expects us to treat my dad as if he's 6, even though he's 60. We are punished for speaking out, so all I can do is stay silent in this home and record his verbal abuse for my, my mom, and my brothers safety in case we end up going to court to protect my mom from him.
Thanks for sharing, we need to see it in both genders and love the people anyways, they are probably doing the best they can and probably an evolved version of what they received…
@@nan0bitz165 I really related to what you wrote. This kind of thing is so complex when you are in it and can't get away (as children and in our cases as young adults too) My parents were uber controlling but mean about it so I never though of them as co-dependent. All those scare tactics, treating each kid differently as scapegoat or hero. And gaslighting us kids to keep us from making friends or going to normal childhood events. This is all a form of co-dependency. A way of promulgating learned helplessness. My parents never taught us anything either. I never thought of them as co-dependent because they were so hostile as well. These videos are really brilliant in what they teach. I could only wish to have that kind of conversation with my parents. I only wish they could see themselves for what they are and for what they have helped make me into. Thank goodness for therapy. I know how bad I feel about what I'm learning about myself but also proud of figuring out that I can heal from it if I want to. My parents must have lived in agony over how they felt about themselves. I once thought they should be punished for how they raised us kids with so much anger, fear and neglect. Now I know that they were in hell and it continues to this day. I'm no contact so won't see them again until they are dying. I'm not in hell anymore and I won't willingly go there for those people any more. Good luck Mom and Dad. You are going to need it.
Guilt was my parent's biggest tool for emotional blackmail and manipulation. To this day i experience guilt after every interaction, every decision, everything i do. I have learned to deal with it, but the imprint on the mind is so strong it always comes and i have to consciously deal with it.
This has literally been my life. Being told I can't go out with friends. Being made to feel guilty because I have friends invite over for games. Then when I stay home, no engagement, parents forgets I am even home. Asking me why I am home and not out doing the plans they said no to. Getting "concerned" because I am always home and asking if I have any friends. Getting concerned because I only play video games in my room. Getting huffy because I ask them to do anything we me or being pessimistic about the plans should go. I am now an adult with no real street smarts, I feel amanufactured hermit, get very nervous about making plans or being invited, and I use the excuse of being adult (18+ responsible for self) to avoid disclosing the fun things I do with parents.
This can happen the kids I’ve been abusive Homes toO. Controlling parents do this or I should say parent and one parent might wanna leave him be trapped. It’s a horrific mess! 🙏😭.
I also feel like a manufactured hermit. I have little to no street smarts and there are days when I’m shocked I can adult. It took me four years after my first car accident to drive regularly again. I always feel like there were moments in my childhood when I was supposed to ask questions about how to adult, and I never did, or people never told me. I am learning so much on my own, or with help from my dear friends. It’s a process, you can do it!
I see myself as the mother in this too. Every day I make an effort to be more aware, gentle, and compassionate with my boy. He really does deserve awesomeness.
I hear you hun, I'm on 5 generations running. It's painful but positive to be able to recognize our flaws. We can only do our best to be honest with ourselves and our loved ones, get help, and have the buck finally stop with us. Progress doesn't mean perfection, just do a little better every day!
Ugh I’m guilty if this. I’m going to get help. I had a walk up call when my 85 year old dad suffered a nervous breakdown a few months ago, after a 45 years of narcissistic abuse from my mother, and it’s too late for him. I’m heartbroken but I’m it’s not too late for my daughter and I won’t let this happen anymore.
Wow. I really commend you for recognizing you have issues and hope you take the steps to repair yourself. You'll be impacting more lives than just your own.
Narcissists are very immature emotionally stunted people..who live off the emotions and control manipulation of others...only GOD CAN HELP THEM OR CHANGE THEM... BE SUPPORTIVE of your Dad...and get him away from his wife..and do some fun things together...loving and appreciating each other! Narcissists can't help it...they only know manipulation domination and control..and feed off of others..because they do not self consciously like themselves! Sorry! Take Care of You! JESUS heals SOUL WOUNDS AND GIVES love emotionally support and caring without any sorrow! Receive JESUS SALVATION and let Him heal you and give you NEW LIFE!
Aaand don't forget romantic relationships, where you feel like if your partner is happy to do things without you, that's weird. It can also put you in a vulnerable position within that relationship, because you will most likely push your needs and wants aside to appease them and feel guilty for having a life outside of that relationship. And so, if your partner is abusive, it will be easier for them to isolate you from friends and family because your codependent parent has already trained you to feel guilty about spending time with other people and to give up on doing things that don't revolve around them. However, this would not be your fault! Abusive partners often look for and seek out people raised in this type of situation, because they know they can exploit those preconditioned responses and know their abusive behaviour will be viewed as the norm allowing it to be undetected to the person experiencing the abuse
@@unclenought6385that was deep... I definitely was too co-dependant with my son and regret it so much (nowhere near this level at all). I was like that out of fear initially as some terrible things happened but I see it evolved. He doesn't feel that way about friends at all, nor casual gf's but the girl he is with now, very co-dependent. She's a lovely girl, but she's similar to him. Being a healthy parent is hard af honestly... I think my being a teenage mother made that co-dependency worse in a way but luckily he is a very well-adjusted, rational and self-aware young man. Very proud of who he turned out to be (despite my screw ups)
Thank you so much for your videos. I have tried for years to get therapists to explain why I feel certain ways and the origin of my trauma. I have learned more from your videos than in hours of therapy and reading self help books. Your videos have significantly impacted my life in a very positive way. Thank you!!!!
I stopped going to a therapist once because, after I explained my history and everything, she was like, "Okay, I get how you feel, but what about your mother? Doesn't she deserve grace in all this?" Like, this is about me. Some people can't seem to stop thinking that parents are these amazing being that can do no wrong. I'm glad I did find a better therapist, but I do tend to get a lot easier to digest information online.
This is my mom in a nutshell. Now that I'm an adult she will still nag at me multiple times a week to come visit and when I do the minimum I get out of her is a walk, where she agressively questions me about what she thinks is important in my life and then it's back to watching TV. But I can't be on my phone or leave.. because she wants me to be there with her, while she watches some dumb show I don't care about. But this is such an improvement from what it was like when I was a child. Things can get better.
I love my mom… and even she admits we are codependent on each other and always have been because we both struggle with separation anxiety. However, I have been working very hard to beat my end of separation anxiety and now I realize I too am codependent. I need a lot of help lol 😅 I need my independence and I am tired of the vicious cycle of needing to be needed.
Been there. Pick up a hobby, make a lot of friends, go somewhere regularly. You help your mother by doing this too. Your relationship will be better once you break the anxious attachment and build a life of your own. Since l got away from my mom and got married against her wishes we are better than ever. We had to actually get to know each other as two individuals and build RESPECT. You'll see, it gets better, brace yourself and get away. Reconnection will make you feel like an accomplished adult and proud of yourself.
@@annakleopatrabergendy9765 I've got many hobbies, and am looking into joining a local art club ^_^. I FINALLY started going out with one friend and that was a challenge... my anxiety comes out physically so I feel really ill. But after about two years of us doing this I feel way better than ever before! My friend knows about this she has been helping me work on being left in a store by myself and stuff so I can learn to be okay. And stop allowing the fears I was taught to dominate my life. I even have began thinking it might be nice to have my own little place... even my mom thought that might be nice to try out. Well, when I told her I was thinking how that would be good for me all of a sudden the switch flipped and she was very upset with me. Held that over my head for a while that I was just gonna leave her... I never said I was just thought it might good. So yeah, baby steps I guess. I have come a very long way from where I started and I am liking my independence the more I learn and grow :)
@@annakleopatrabergendy9765Absolutely. My dad was a literal emotional mess when I started dating and would no longer be at the house 24/7. He blew up over text and I realized he was too dependent on my presence to feel stable. So it took a lot of arguments and my announcement of leaving in a year that created a healthier boundary.
My mom does a lot of these behaviours you depict on this channel. I feel bad for her but sometimes she really makes me feel so bad for nothing at all. I am worried I will end up like her. I mean, sure, no one’s parenting is perfect … but I do not want my children to have traumas etc.
You have a good mindset. My dad made me feel guilty for wanting to go on dates with my boyfriend or hang out with friends. I realized I would never be happy if I only thought about him and what he wanted.
What is special needs kid? It’s her responsibility. She had the baby not you.!!!! Now would be nice if your kids actually give a crap and help out every once a while. Yeah, you would help out a parent.
This is an extra hard one! It’s like a double codependency. Lots of compassion for yourself and learn to give yourself permission to enjoy life are key. That you have a sibling with special needs doesn’t mean that you can’t be happy and free. You have the same right to anyone else to enjoy life!
so true even at 85 my mother still only calls to say something very negative and to get everyone to feel sorry for her. The little girl in her is so injured. I’ve never had a normal mother.… my mom left when I was 14 and I had to be my own mother
Love and Miss my mom dearly - but gosh this hits home. My mom would always say "You stay in the streets...where are you going NOW?!" This was from age 16 to 41 when she passed - EVERY TIME I left the house...even in my OWN house! I do look forward to seeing her again in heaven - when we are both completely healed - forever! HalleluYAH!! Thank you Jesus Christ!!
This was my mother, codependent but also coupled with borderline personality disorder, guilt-tripped me into staying home or gave me extra chores to finish before I could go out. If that didn't work she would fly into a rage...screaming and breaking things and accuse me of not caring about her. She passed a few years ago of pulmonary fibrosis. I love her and miss her everyday but I have the clarity now years later to realise our relationship was also super toxic and unhealthy for both of us. We had a much more healthy dynamic when we didn't live together.
WOW! You blew my mind with this one. I thought I always stayed in bc I liked playing alone. But I realize now I probably thought I had to take care of my mom or be near her.
This series has been so cathartic for me, thank you so much. It’s crazy, I feel like you made this content so digestible to a point where I could think about my own life situations and face some issues and have the words to talk about it.
my mom will guilt you into hanging out with her but then YOU have to do all the interacting. this woman once disrupted my entire work day so i'd come home when it was unnecessary. she fell asleep while i was zoom-chatting with my coworkers. a lot of the time, it's just a power play. they don't actually want to hang out, they just want to be able to CONTROL YOU.
Knowing how I am and researching a shit ton about the pregnancy process, childbirth, and what happens to a woman mentally and physically (PPD scares the shit out of me), I decided to never have children. Just never really felt that maternal instinct and I absolutely love my free time even from my husband. Self-care is very important to me.
Solidarity. 🫂 My mom mostly ignored me and seemed extremely resentful whenever she actually had to take care of me. I don't know exactly what she was expecting, but even as a very young child, I got the sense that she did not enjoy being a mother.
Now thanks this is not only me. Many of us had those unhealthy seeds. Each time I watch one of these feeling like all are being released and cleared. Thank you for supporting my life my journey. ❤
My mom “jokes” about being abandoned when I wanted to go out so much. They tried limiting how much I would go out per week. Even if it was just at a neighbors house. It felt so ridiculous.
Love how in a nutshell and with such clever sutiilty you play the two parts, including the reasons /affects... I guess this is LIFE ... we are perfectly imperfect, learning, forgiving - everyone makes mistakes along the way. With awareness and less judgements we move forward to help HEAL 💕
I lost a lot of my childhood and because of that I make it a point to let the little kids around me have as much fun as they possibly can. When I have the energy I join them and even some times that I don’t I still join them. They deserve that joy and happiness.
My parents were like this. They never cared if I was home but if I was gone for long or they had feelings I had places I can live/stay they would call text saying to come back home or that I “forgot” about them. Then when I come back everyone is in their rooms.
I love these because they're validating. I hate these because they make me paranoid that everytime I say something like "if you don't do your chores now I won't have clean dishes to cook your dinner with" that I'm ruining my children.
So sad that there are so many mothers like this. This video really depicts the truth of how children are traumatized into codependency. Unfortunately, the parents who do this and more never have any insight into their own behavior. Therefore , they will always believe they’re right and have no regard or respect for the child’s feelings or mental state. The child only wants to be loved by their caretakers. They don’t even think about themselves and the cycle continues. Good for the creators of these videos. At least, they’re putting the facts out there to promote awareness. I hope it helps at least one dysfunctional family awaken to how much confusion and pain they are causing their children. ❤
My mom was kind of like this but I think she truly wanted to be alone. I always felt a little guilty when I was younger but I actually went out and made lots of friends and gained independence.
This was my mum, she guilt tripped me for wanting to go see my dads family and for enjoying spending time with friends. She also guilt tripped me for what I ate, her divorce and drinking. Especially guilting me for having a relationship with my dad and first step mum. How this manifested at 14-15 was anorexia ( before my mum left) and that then turned to bullemia for a couple of years as I'd feel guilty for eating and then puke up. I worked on this in therapy but still feel guilty for how others feel...it's been easy for others to take advantage but learning about this through Louise L Hays work finally helped me to see this dynamic. These videos are great, I wish I'd stumbled upon these as a teen. It's good for kids to learn about this stuff early on. You having a life isn't a problem, it's a problem that belongs to your parent, it's not your issue! It's good to see what shit belongs to who...deal with your own crap but do not take on other peoples! Recognise that guilt is a manipulation tool for toxic individuals.
Reminds me of when I told my father I wanna live by myself someday, just for the experience, he didnt talk to me for days after, my mom said he was upset at me cause a voiced out a dream of mine
How is it that every one of these skits is either one or both of my parents? Shame on both of them for having children. This one is definitely my mother.
This is my mother. The oldest of too many kids, and was even pushed to go to college for something she wasn't interested in just to please her parents. She constantly controlled me when I was growing up. But yet if I stayed home, she wasn't present in any way, always on her phone just ignoring me. If I wanted a hug she would get annoyed and say, " if your bored you can clean you know." Now that I am older and finally moved out I feel so free and that I can breathe, do whatever but now I never do because of "what if".
I’d like to remind everyone she said “I SUBCONSCIOUSLY guilt you”. While this isn’t a healthy parent-child relationship at all, it’s important to remember the parent isn’t being malicious despite how toxic their actions are.
I moved to another country to study. And came back to my mom’s house after 8 years away. She has been saying things like “I want the baby I sent to xx back”. Now I know she means she wishes I was still codependent to her. When I went away I fell into an existential crisis. Never in my life did I have the chance to think about myself. It was always about her. I didn’t know who I was, what I liked or what I was doing with my life. I then knew it’s called codependency and it feels like a disease you can’t get rid off. Now she makes covert insults whenever I leave and hangout with my boyfriend and she acts almost like she’s jelous. I was so confused with her childish behavior but this really hit home. 😂 I’ll never have kids to do this to them it’s awful
I’m a mom of a 2-year old and these videos allow me to not only recognize my own childhood experiences and some of these exact things my mother did that have impacted me all the way into my adulthood, but also help me to try my best to avoid making these mistakes as a mother myself. I really appreciate you for this.
My mother weaponized her tears to the point that I coudlnt tell her I didnt like the tv dinner she heated up for me in the microwave because she "put effort into it and was doing her best"
Hey ur comment just introduced me to that film n I’m defo gonna watch it cos it’s so relevant to codependent parenting n I often feel left out n out of place because of how it impacted me n it’s still so confusing n overwhelming. TLDR thanks for posting this 💜 lol
@@maddie5131 yes! The entire film is about Beau’s relationship with his mom and how negatively he is impacted his life (even if he doesn’t see it). Be warned it is a horror film and super absurdist take on this topic so some outlandish things happen! It is a really sad film though so just be aware of that.
Judging and shaming won't help change anything. This is largely unintentional, subconscious, and intergenerational. Parenting should require the same standards as other important professions. It isn't a personal problem but a societal one.
@@age93that wasn’t neither judging nor shaming. As you say, Just like any other professions, people who are not capable of taking that job shouldn’t be a parent
Ok this one is my life. In fact we made the phrase "don't go, stay here with me" an icon in our family. But I loved my mother dearly, my life got a lot better after I read Codependent No More.
Argh this is exactly my mom.. Guess what, she always always complains and whines on the phone how much she misses me wants to see me, etc. And the moment I turn my focus on her, make an effort to see her, arrange a meeting with her, the moment I am on my way to her and plan(!) for her.. she becomes totally indifferent, oblivious, and has loads of other priorities and doesn't make time for me. Wtf it's the most confusing thing in the world. Thanks for making it so clear in this video!
How does the codependent one heal? I.e., depending on one person too much because they have a hard time connecting with others and making friends due to parents who emotionally neglectful/were unable to connect during childhood How do we heal this?
@@heyyourebeautiful3867start becoming independent in all ur works Dont ask for opinions from any friend,family,or any closed ones on small small matters Show urself that u r enough for urself Start doing alone things,start enjoying ur alone time by doing things u like I had this same tendency with my bf,im too much anxious and codependent,so whenever he didnt talk to me or wish me special days,i used to ruin my day by crying and missing him,whereas he was busy with his life Slowly i understood that im empty inside and want to fill it with him So started enjoying my company,gave up the fear that what if he leaves me,started spending time thinking of my future a year ahead,and asking if i want to be like this,miserable all my life? Trust me it helps,im in much better place now,now i dont need people Love and blessings to u❤🙌
Go out and spend time with yourself. Take yourself out on little dates where you get to make the decisions. Also, pushing yourself to make plans outside of the other person even if they are available to spend time with. When my boyfriend joined the Navy, I had just started hormonal birth control and it really knocked my confidence. I became overly anxious about the limited time we had to spend together, I wouldn't leave my house in my free time, I obsessed over our phone calls and would literally break down if I missed one. Coming off the birth control has obviously helped and I'm gaining back a lot of confidence and losing that codependency. It isn't going to be that easy a fix for everyone, but it did really help me to get out and do stuff and realise that I'm awesome and worth spending time with. I still do feel bad if I don't spend much time with him on his weekend leave, but it's not the overwhelming anxiety I used to feel before. It also helps that he actively encourages me to go out, especially outright verbal confirmation is very helpful to me as I don't always understand vague or implied stuff. But I also found it really hard in the beginning to try and let go of that codependency, so be kind to yourself and set as small a goals as you need to.
My mom, now 64, is still the same. Way worse even. They need help, and they are often the type that thinks they are or the one that everyone is dependent on and they are perfect and everyone else is not, OR, they see themselves as the biggest failures. So in the failing moments they want help, and then they switch to superhero that doesn't need help, everyone else does. I pray yours will get help and your heart will be healed ❤
@@user-pb1ws9uc2h I think we can't do anything. They just don't see it. I tried for 25years. It is in the hand of the Lord now. I stepped down. I can only pray. (The situation here got so out of hand that even a normal chat is not even possible anymore)
Wow. Just wow... 😮😢 thank you for always sharing. I love these videos. the way you make it so relatable, and easy to understand. Bless you for educating us. 🙏💕🥰💪👍🧘♀️
Wow! Even as a man I have witnessed and can relate in my own way to this and Damn does it weigh heavy! Women and Men we all have to do better in each 1 teach 1 and break these curses with Love, Patience, and healthy Boundaries for sure, sprinkled with Mercy & Grace
This hits so hard it brought tears to my eyes... this was how I grew up...constantly being told to go out more and have friends but guilt tripped every time that I tried...now I'm 40 with no offline friends and severe depression. I'm doing my best to break the cycle of emotional abuse when it comes to my own child, but it feels too late for myself...
Oh look … my mother. Funny that when I suddenly stopped leaving the house and interacting with others I heard no complaints 😢
Unless you had an opinion that wasn't hers
Woah same
Lol, when I gave up and stayed home, I got yelled at. When I actually had friends, they weren't good enough. 🤦🏼♀️
My mom used to ground me just so I would stay home and play board games with her, but then when I wasn't very social she would say she was worried about me because a sad child makes a sad mom... So glad I don't have to be that woman's emotional support child anymore.
Same, but now its my grand mother I'm taking care of.
"watching TV, texting, not being present with you at all"
This sounds so familiar...
yes..
:(
😂😂 funny and tragic at the same time
I'm in audible pain
My mom was a single mother and I was her only child. When she would leave me at my friend's or leave to work she would remind me to hug her because "something bad could happen I might never see her again", she explained numerous wht-if scenarios like she might have a fatal car accident or some horrible scenario. It caused me to feel alone and worry about becoming an orphan. I think it contributed to my problem with catastrophic thinking and constantly worrying about what-ifs.
You think? Hell yeah it did!!!
FRIEND. YOU JUST OPENED MY 33 YR OLD EYES. I did NOT see this until reading your comment. I understand, jfc I understand. Mouth on the FLOOR with the realization. Crazy how your brain can block out things to protect itself.
Omg my father did the same every time he went to work or any place outside home or even when he went to sleep! "You don't know if something terrible happens and we can't see each other again, so tell me goodbye and give me a kiss in the cheek ". I love my dad, it wasn't necessary to frightened me to farewell him... Now every time I'm away from my husband I'm terrified he could died in an accident 😢
Isn't catastrophic thinking some kind of mental health issue?
Well all parents think of those things.The "what ifs ".What if something happens to you when you go out what if something bad happena to me and I never saw you again that is why we always say I love you when leaving kiss each other beacause you never know.On the other hand tho I wouldn't say that to my children.They have anxieties of their own.I wouldn't want to add to the trauma.
Exactly my mom. Narcissistic as hell, very lonely. Used me as her friend AND therapist.
Just because your mother confided in, you does not mean she’s a Narcissistic we must not throw that word around. There are narcissistic tight people, but an actual diagnosis is important. What is your mom and very abusive situation to where she had no other outlet and she didn’t drink or do drugs but that was her outlet she just mentally let things out I mean that’s normal. People can only handle so much not to defend her situation, but I know in situation that people were not in Narcissistic and I made that mistake.
Actually, narcissistic people will isolate their victims with turning their children on them and everything else so again we have to be careful what we call narcissistic. I’ve been studying it for many years. I was married to a man that was very narcissistic, and it was very covert and insidious.
@@Portia620Whats your problem? Feel called out? Feel guilty? You should
@@unknown6390 calm down... they are just saying that narcissism needs a diagnosis. people overuse that word without understanding there are many personality disorders besides that one. idk why you got triggered lol
btw my notifications are off so i won't see any replies, bye
@@unknown6390Are you okay? 😕😬😧
As an adult I came into a job with the opportunity for lots of travel, and I really wanted to do all that traveling, but I didn't because my mom told me over and over and over again how worried she was about me. I tried traveling for a bit but she would weep on the phone to me, and leave frantic messages if I didn't call her every single day, and tell me the toll my traveling was taking on her. So I stopped traveling for years. It took me almost 10 years to finally start traveling like I wanted to. I lost a decade of experiences and professional growth because my mom was uncomfortable. Later on she said "I never wanted you to not travel! I always wanted you to follow your dreams!" I'm dealing with the resentment now.
Gaslighting at her best! It’s sad when 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 what they did, and instead of acknowledging it and genuinely saying 𝘐'𝘮 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘴𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺, they rather see us question ourselves, when THEY were the ones that messed it all up 😞😑
When they come out with that AFTERwards pretending they didnt realize how they made you feel. I just wanna PSA this: if whining is what they keep doing as a response to your personal decisions like THIS, you might be in the clear. Albeit greatly annoyed
This is my mum right now. I have the opportunity to go to Italy right now and I made the mistake of telling my mum about it. Of course, instead of being happy for me, she made it about herself and I'm expecting her to tell me about some dire health problems she has when it's time for me to go.
Then when you stay home they say “why don’t you ever go out?”
TRUTH TRUTH TRUTH
My mom literally started having panic attacks and got really depressed when I moved out at the age of 23. I admit I almost dropped my entire life to move back in to support her emotionally. Thank God, I didn't eventually and decided to follow my dreams instead....She was so unbearably clingy that I eventually moved abroad😅 10 years and counting! Freeeedoooooommm😂
Note: My mom is the most mellow person in the world, that's why I felt the need to move back in. She's not the kind of person to yell or have a temper, but she will guilt trip you in unfathomable ways😅 I really love her but I had to go🙈
Edit: Thanks for 1000 likes!!!💜
It is not your job to move home with your parents. Assoc support their emotional stability. She needs a therapist and help.!!!
@@Portia620 Definitely! She has been to several therapists/psychiatrists with no results, mainly because she either lies about stuff or isn't 100% honest. So she can't get the help she needs...🙄 I live far away thankfully, so she has no control over me since a long time
@@LydDee aw darn. I always hope these people get help, but it's hard when you live so far deep in denial. Oh well. Wishing the best for u both.
@@PK-cg5ej So true and thank you💜🙏
I can kind of relate. When I first started dating my boyfriend at 22 and wanted to go on dates once a week or once every 2 weeks, my dad acted like I needed his permission to do it. And he'd ask, "why do you want to see him so much?" And he had a breakdown over text saying I don't respect him because I stayed over at my boyfriend's parents' house. I plan on moving out in 2 years with my boyfriend, when we'll have more money saved. It's too much.
I think my mom was jealous that she actually succeeded in giving me a better life. And let me know all the time that she sacrificed her own well being to care for us (because we didn't have extended family support she was stressed all the time). I learned to ignore what I think she was trying to say and only listen to what she was actually saying because I was tired of trying to decode everything all the time. She adapted a bit to communicate more directly as a result.
THIS. WOW! Spot on.
Now tell me please how does that ignoring and listening to what a parent is actually saying work? Every time I ask, I end up decoding and everytime I say or do something I end up with anxiety and walking on eggshells...
@klara12345678910 you will have to try out for yourself, it takes tons of effort and varied from people to people
I had the "i work this shtty job so you dont have to, do better than me" while not telling me how to do better
@@hellhellerklarerBasically don’t think about anything besides what they literally say. If someone looks you up and downs and says “nice shoes” in a sarcastic tone, you just focus on what they say, and take it as a compliment. It forces people to be honest with you if they want your reaction to what they are trying to say.
That one pissed me off and I think that means I can relate
It definitely cut deep. ❤️
My mum was like this. Its almost like she was saying "my childhood was horrible, so I'm gonna guilt you over having a half-decent one"
I think parents who believe taking it out on their children in this way is legit should never have had them in the first place.
The last line “..and take your guilty conscience with you!” really hit home… it was never verbally told to me but that was how i kept feeling and still do feel till today whenever i am doing something i know my parents can’t be a part of or won’t be. Especially when there’s something unpleasant or even mundane going on in their life and something better going on in mine - although a part of me wishes i could have better more joyful experiences together with them - i feel guilty for doing those things by myself when i do. Its like i always need an alibi to do those fun or pleasurable things that I really want to do.
You didn’t deserve that.
I'm a mother now living with my husband and l still carry a ton of guilt. I love my mom but she would have destroyed my social life if she could have just because she was so lonely. She always hated my friends and constantly called, constantly guilt tripped me when l was going out. I had enough at 20 and completely ignored her meltdowns, started doing what l want and took the lead. I'm 22 now, we are starting to have a healthy relationship finally. She is best as a friend because l can't have her as guidance but now as a mother myself lm able to forgive. It's very very hard. I had a very difficult time transitioning into motherhood so l empathize with the struggles. She really was lonely and had no idea how to cope, l was her whole world. I helped both of us by getting away, she's finally focusing on herself.
Let yourself off the hook. ❤
Me too!!! If I say anything about what I want to do it’s never right, too far, too cold, it’s so hard to enjoy anything! And then the guilt comes 😖
@@pbj0815 Yep 👍 And when you don't do anything they enjoy you being there staying home while they ignore you or find something to pick or yell at you for because you know you gave into them and Now they have Free Range to continue.
my mom used to do this and i started ignoring those reactions with an "i love you !! ill be home at [whatever time] !!" carrying no sour tone or ill will while saying it . shes done it less and less and i feel almost no guilt for being my own person now
I’m gonna try
@@darknlovli id love to know how it goes ! i know some parents that are like this wont learn quick and i think some might even lash out a bit as a coping mechanism but i really do hope it works for you as well !!!
How did you come to this decision? This technique? My mom is the same way and that's not something I would have thought to do in a million years. Is there a theory behind it or is it just something you you found yourself doing?
@@Blablablahx3 it mostly came from me being tired of continuously ensuring my mom and realized i was unintentionally enabling her reactions by stopping and comforting her . i originally tried to argue with her about it and it didnt turn out well , there were a lot of arguments . so i decided instead of fights and anger boiling , i wanted to carry myself in a caring but firm manner to sort of set an unspoken boundary with her !
@@thequeenofnanobots That's really interesting, thank you for sharing! P.S. I'm glad you found a better way to deal with it :)
As my mother’s only real friend since I was a child, this is very real.
My mom did that to me. If I went out too many times in a week, she'd passive-aggressively tell me "you really think your home is a hotel, huh?" She even attempted to control me when I was an adult. I hated her so much, and now I feel so peaceful after moving out
That's SO my mom. I'm 27 and I've cut contact with her (and other family members like her) a few times in my life and every time there's guilt and peace. I think this time it's for good though. Putting my foot down until they change their ways.
I hate what such people have done to their younger family members...
The hardest part of having a codependent mother is growing up to see yourself becoming that way too. I’m glad I woke up to it though, so I have a chance to do better for my own kids. This type of upbringing dumps so much guilt on a kid, and then as an adult when people say “why don’t you just not pick up the phone if your mom is calling too much?” they don’t realize that guilt is eating you alive. What if she needs me? What if she was kidnapped? What if something is on fire? What if what if what if?! So watching the phone ring, not picking up, even though for most people that’s the end of it, for the child raises this way, it’s the beginning of hours of feeling alternately angry and guilty.
you explained the phone thing so well. you always end up wondering "what if something serious happened this time?"
Exactly. I'm afraid of becoming like my mom fr. My son's father said he started seeing the codependent parts in me and that freaked me tf out. I'm waking out of it but I still catch myself slipping sometimes and it bothers me. 😢
Willing to bet you weren’t alive before telephones. People have been able to harass you on the phone for a lot of years.
You must not have been raised by someone who literally trained you to never tell them no, and had to relearn, as an adult with your own kids, how to say no, how to not immediately trauma respond and fold like a card table, because from the moment you were born and you were basically playdoh to be molded, you were taught that telling your parent ‘no’ meant you were in judgement of hellfire. It’s fine to just admit you don’t know what this particular type of trauma does to a person, but don’t be that ass that tells a sick person to just ‘get better’ and then scoff when it doesn’t work like magic.
Yeah, this is a thing I'm working on. I hear it sometimes and have to back up and go again.
As a codependent mother who is now self aware I work everyday to be better and keep myself accountable checking in with my feelings and acknowledging them we can heal
Oh my goodness. This is my Dad from my childhood until now (he's 86.) Manipulative guilt trips for going and doing without him but zero effort on his part to be a part of my life. It made me so mad in my 20's & 30's when I would go visit my parents and he would promptly disappear to his room, outside or zone out watching tv/reading the paper while my mom and I visited. As soon as it was time for me to leavee would always appear with sad-faced, guilt-ridden pleas and attempts to keep me from leaving. I confronted him a number of times but he never acknowledged his behavior or changed.
We've got to fix our own issues and stop messing up our kids! 😢
Wft.......In some ways, i feel like emotional neglect is so much better than some of these mind effes you guys went/go through, lol. That sounds so incredibly frustrating...
My dad does this as well. It's sad top because my mom enables his behavior. While my dad closes himself off from us in his room, my mom is constantly in everyone's business, telling my brothers and me that there is no such thing as privacy, and if we don't let her go through our things or have the numbers of all our friends, that we're hiding things from her and we're evil for doing so. My brothers and I are all full grown adults, but we have constantly been belittled and treated like we're children who need punishment for disobedience and rebellious behavior.
The sad part is that throughout our childhood, we had to grow up fast and take care of each other because our mom couldn't take care of all 4 kids at once and our dad refused to help her take care of us beyond buying himself groceries (that we would try to make last for ourselves) and a bed to sleep on. He told her that he's not a babysitter everytime she asked for help and would return to the couch or his bed to keep watching TV while my mom would be stretching herself thin between 4 kids, her studies, and taking care of the house.
I missed out on a 2 year medical program because my dad wanted to keep me at home to "take care of him," as in be at his beck and call every day because he has been fighting my mom for years and refuses to acknowledge that he has been sabotaging her career from the start. He even went as far as to call my youngest brother evil and selfish for choosing to stay on campus at his university (which is only 30 minutes away from our house), even though my dad spent my brother's entire university time fighting my mom, stopping him from studying, and pulling us into his room to complain and insult our mother for hours everyday. He went as far as taking money out of my brother's account that he had earned from working in our university research facility so that my brother wouldn't have any money to support himself while telling my brother that he (my dad) is not going to pay for any of his school fees for as long as he (my brother) stays on campus.
Over the years, I realized that my dad only does things according to his plans. He didn't plan to take care of us, so he pushed that responsibility onto my mom. He didn't plan to stay in Canada after moving from our home country, so he manipulated my mom into leaving her job in Canada to go to America. He didn't plan for my mom to have a job in America, so he'd constantly move us around the united states to states where she couldnt practice medicine so that my mom couldn't secure a job. He didn't plan for any of his kids to leave the home, so he tried to keep us stuck in his home. He didn't plan for me to get in the med program and leave home, so he fed on my fears and anxieties to get me to come back home. He didn't plan for my youngest brother to live on campus, so he tried to sabotage his education. If he doesn't plan it, he will try to nip it at the bud.
It's been really hard, as my mom expects us to treat my dad as if he's 6, even though he's 60. We are punished for speaking out, so all I can do is stay silent in this home and record his verbal abuse for my, my mom, and my brothers safety in case we end up going to court to protect my mom from him.
Thanks for sharing, we need to see it in both genders and love the people anyways, they are probably doing the best they can and probably an evolved version of what they received…
@@nan0bitz165 I really related to what you wrote. This kind of thing is so complex when you are in it and can't get away (as children and in our cases as young adults too) My parents were uber controlling but mean about it so I never though of them as co-dependent.
All those scare tactics, treating each kid differently as scapegoat or hero. And gaslighting us kids to keep us from making friends or going to normal childhood events. This is all a form of co-dependency. A way of promulgating learned helplessness. My parents never taught us anything either. I never thought of them as co-dependent because they were so hostile as well. These videos are really brilliant in what they teach. I could only wish to have that kind of conversation with my parents. I only wish they could see themselves for what they are and for what they have helped make me into. Thank goodness for therapy. I know how bad I feel about what I'm learning about myself but also proud of figuring out that I can heal from it if I want to. My parents must have lived in agony over how they felt about themselves. I once thought they should be punished for how they raised us kids with so much anger, fear and neglect. Now I know that they were in hell and it continues to this day. I'm no contact so won't see them again until they are dying. I'm not in hell anymore and I won't willingly go there for those people any more. Good luck Mom and Dad. You are going to need it.
Guilt was my parent's biggest tool for emotional blackmail and manipulation. To this day i experience guilt after every interaction, every decision, everything i do. I have learned to deal with it, but the imprint on the mind is so strong it always comes and i have to consciously deal with it.
And then you come home and they're passive aggressive because you didn't stay home like they wanted you to
This has literally been my life. Being told I can't go out with friends. Being made to feel guilty because I have friends invite over for games. Then when I stay home, no engagement, parents forgets I am even home. Asking me why I am home and not out doing the plans they said no to. Getting "concerned" because I am always home and asking if I have any friends. Getting concerned because I only play video games in my room. Getting huffy because I ask them to do anything we me or being pessimistic about the plans should go.
I am now an adult with no real street smarts, I feel amanufactured hermit, get very nervous about making plans or being invited, and I use the excuse of being adult (18+ responsible for self) to avoid disclosing the fun things I do with parents.
This can happen the kids I’ve been abusive Homes toO. Controlling parents do this or I should say parent and one parent might wanna leave him be trapped. It’s a horrific mess! 🙏😭.
I also feel like a manufactured hermit. I have little to no street smarts and there are days when I’m shocked I can adult. It took me four years after my first car accident to drive regularly again. I always feel like there were moments in my childhood when I was supposed to ask questions about how to adult, and I never did, or people never told me. I am learning so much on my own, or with help from my dear friends. It’s a process, you can do it!
Another manufactured hermit here, been working on healing it but it's a tough road
OMG it all lines up. From my mother to me. And from me to my daughter. The backhanded comments, neglect, and passive aggressiveness.
You can break the cycle starting now😊
I see myself as the mother in this too. Every day I make an effort to be more aware, gentle, and compassionate with my boy. He really does deserve awesomeness.
Look into Circle of Security parenting classes to help break the cycle ❤ good luck mamas, you got this!
I hear you hun, I'm on 5 generations running. It's painful but positive to be able to recognize our flaws. We can only do our best to be honest with ourselves and our loved ones, get help, and have the buck finally stop with us. Progress doesn't mean perfection, just do a little better every day!
Ugh I’m guilty if this. I’m going to get help. I had a walk up call when my 85 year old dad suffered a nervous breakdown a few months ago, after a 45 years of narcissistic abuse from my mother, and it’s too late for him. I’m heartbroken but I’m it’s not too late for my daughter and I won’t let this happen anymore.
Wow. I really commend you for recognizing you have issues and hope you take the steps to repair yourself. You'll be impacting more lives than just your own.
Narcissists are very immature emotionally stunted people..who live off the emotions and control manipulation of others...only GOD CAN HELP THEM OR CHANGE THEM...
BE SUPPORTIVE of your Dad...and get him away from his wife..and do some fun things together...loving and appreciating each other!
Narcissists can't help it...they only know manipulation domination and control..and feed off of others..because they do not self consciously like themselves! Sorry!
Take Care of You! JESUS heals SOUL WOUNDS AND GIVES love emotionally
support and caring without any sorrow!
Receive JESUS SALVATION and let Him heal you and give you NEW LIFE!
May God give you strength, wisdom, and clarity! ♥️🙏
These skits are literally so incredible for illustrating dynamics that can be so hard to pinpoint.
Does this lead to difficulties making friends in childhood and now adulthood? This is exactly my mother.
Yes. It makes you want all your friends to be co-dependent on you. And when they're not you think something's wrong with you.
Until you get better
@@softtacoqueenthank you
I was wondering the same and I feel upset when my friends are having fun when I'm not there
Aaand don't forget romantic relationships, where you feel like if your partner is happy to do things without you, that's weird. It can also put you in a vulnerable position within that relationship, because you will most likely push your needs and wants aside to appease them and feel guilty for having a life outside of that relationship. And so, if your partner is abusive, it will be easier for them to isolate you from friends and family because your codependent parent has already trained you to feel guilty about spending time with other people and to give up on doing things that don't revolve around them. However, this would not be your fault! Abusive partners often look for and seek out people raised in this type of situation, because they know they can exploit those preconditioned responses and know their abusive behaviour will be viewed as the norm allowing it to be undetected to the person experiencing the abuse
@@unclenought6385that was deep... I definitely was too co-dependant with my son and regret it so much (nowhere near this level at all). I was like that out of fear initially as some terrible things happened but I see it evolved. He doesn't feel that way about friends at all, nor casual gf's but the girl he is with now, very co-dependent. She's a lovely girl, but she's similar to him.
Being a healthy parent is hard af honestly... I think my being a teenage mother made that co-dependency worse in a way but luckily he is a very well-adjusted, rational and self-aware young man. Very proud of who he turned out to be (despite my screw ups)
My mom was jealous everytime i went out to dinner with my husband, she is 32 years my senior and she always compared me in my 20s to her in her 50s!!!
Thank you so much for your videos. I have tried for years to get therapists to explain why I feel certain ways and the origin of my trauma. I have learned more from your videos than in hours of therapy and reading self help books. Your videos have significantly impacted my life in a very positive way. Thank you!!!!
I stopped going to a therapist once because, after I explained my history and everything, she was like, "Okay, I get how you feel, but what about your mother? Doesn't she deserve grace in all this?" Like, this is about me. Some people can't seem to stop thinking that parents are these amazing being that can do no wrong. I'm glad I did find a better therapist, but I do tend to get a lot easier to digest information online.
I just wanna send my therapist 99999 vids they’ll never watch anyways
This is my mom in a nutshell. Now that I'm an adult she will still nag at me multiple times a week to come visit and when I do the minimum I get out of her is a walk, where she agressively questions me about what she thinks is important in my life and then it's back to watching TV. But I can't be on my phone or leave.. because she wants me to be there with her, while she watches some dumb show I don't care about. But this is such an improvement from what it was like when I was a child. Things can get better.
I love my mom… and even she admits we are codependent on each other and always have been because we both struggle with separation anxiety. However, I have been working very hard to beat my end of separation anxiety and now I realize I too am codependent. I need a lot of help lol 😅 I need my independence and I am tired of the vicious cycle of needing to be needed.
Been there. Pick up a hobby, make a lot of friends, go somewhere regularly. You help your mother by doing this too. Your relationship will be better once you break the anxious attachment and build a life of your own. Since l got away from my mom and got married against her wishes we are better than ever. We had to actually get to know each other as two individuals and build RESPECT. You'll see, it gets better, brace yourself and get away. Reconnection will make you feel like an accomplished adult and proud of yourself.
@@annakleopatrabergendy9765 I've got many hobbies, and am looking into joining a local art club ^_^. I FINALLY started going out with one friend and that was a challenge... my anxiety comes out physically so I feel really ill. But after about two years of us doing this I feel way better than ever before! My friend knows about this she has been helping me work on being left in a store by myself and stuff so I can learn to be okay. And stop allowing the fears I was taught to dominate my life.
I even have began thinking it might be nice to have my own little place... even my mom thought that might be nice to try out. Well, when I told her I was thinking how that would be good for me all of a sudden the switch flipped and she was very upset with me. Held that over my head for a while that I was just gonna leave her... I never said I was just thought it might good. So yeah, baby steps I guess. I have come a very long way from where I started and I am liking my independence the more I learn and grow :)
@@annakleopatrabergendy9765Absolutely. My dad was a literal emotional mess when I started dating and would no longer be at the house 24/7. He blew up over text and I realized he was too dependent on my presence to feel stable. So it took a lot of arguments and my announcement of leaving in a year that created a healthier boundary.
Awareness is the first step!! You’re doing great ❤
We wears our parent unhealed trauma on us. Being aware and trying to change is the first step to break the circle. Speak by experience 🫂
My mom does a lot of these behaviours you depict on this channel. I feel bad for her but sometimes she really makes me feel so bad for nothing at all. I am worried I will end up like her. I mean, sure, no one’s parenting is perfect … but I do not want my children to have traumas etc.
You have a good mindset. My dad made me feel guilty for wanting to go on dates with my boyfriend or hang out with friends. I realized I would never be happy if I only thought about him and what he wanted.
Wow this is how I ended up back home to help my mom with my special needs brother. The guilt when I tried to leave..
What is special needs kid? It’s her responsibility. She had the baby not you.!!!! Now would be nice if your kids actually give a crap and help out every once a while. Yeah, you would help out a parent.
Helping with a family member is totally different
U need to help, consistently
It takes a FAMILY (not a village)
@@YeshuaKingMessiahyou don't know this person
This is an extra hard one! It’s like a double codependency. Lots of compassion for yourself and learn to give yourself permission to enjoy life are key. That you have a sibling with special needs doesn’t mean that you can’t be happy and free. You have the same right to anyone else to enjoy life!
so true even at 85 my mother still only calls to say something very negative and to get everyone to feel sorry for her. The little girl in her is so injured. I’ve never had a normal mother.… my mom left when I was 14 and I had to be my own mother
I love this channel! Educating people this way is easy to understand and difficult to deny. Learning a lot! Thanks so much!!
It's true. I have not gotten to live my life and when I do, I'm guilt tripped. It's been a long journey..
Love and Miss my mom dearly - but gosh this hits home. My mom would always say "You stay in the streets...where are you going NOW?!" This was from age 16 to 41 when she passed - EVERY TIME I left the house...even in my OWN house! I do look forward to seeing her again in heaven - when we are both completely healed - forever! HalleluYAH!! Thank you Jesus Christ!!
Oouff! Well hello mom! This actually triggered me. My entire nervous system shifted in an instant. Man, I have work to do. I did not deserve this. 😐
How you experience the shifting?
Wow these videos make me so thankful for my Mom. She's super mature and supportive of anything i do.
Omg literally my mom. Constantly. And when i dont follow her unspoken rules she gets soooo angry and mopey all the time
This was my mother, codependent but also coupled with borderline personality disorder, guilt-tripped me into staying home or gave me extra chores to finish before I could go out. If that didn't work she would fly into a rage...screaming and breaking things and accuse me of not caring about her.
She passed a few years ago of pulmonary fibrosis. I love her and miss her everyday but I have the clarity now years later to realise our relationship was also super toxic and unhealthy for both of us. We had a much more healthy dynamic when we didn't live together.
Glad I am not alone with this type of situation; but truly sorry for all of struggling.❤
WOW! You blew my mind with this one. I thought I always stayed in bc I liked playing alone. But I realize now I probably thought I had to take care of my mom or be near her.
This series has been so cathartic for me, thank you so much.
It’s crazy, I feel like you made this content so digestible to a point where I could think about my own life situations and face some issues and have the words to talk about it.
my mom will guilt you into hanging out with her but then YOU have to do all the interacting. this woman once disrupted my entire work day so i'd come home when it was unnecessary. she fell asleep while i was zoom-chatting with my coworkers. a lot of the time, it's just a power play. they don't actually want to hang out, they just want to be able to CONTROL YOU.
This hit home for many of us. 😢
Knowing how I am and researching a shit ton about the pregnancy process, childbirth, and what happens to a woman mentally and physically (PPD scares the shit out of me), I decided to never have children. Just never really felt that maternal instinct and I absolutely love my free time even from my husband. Self-care is very important to me.
Solidarity. 🫂 My mom mostly ignored me and seemed extremely resentful whenever she actually had to take care of me. I don't know exactly what she was expecting, but even as a very young child, I got the sense that she did not enjoy being a mother.
@BlackTapeGrrl wow, I think you described my mother but it's a long long story
just moved out my parents house two weeks before my 23rd birthday.. living there was so hard but leaving took so much more strength
I see this in a friend of mine and her kids. I wish I could help the kids and her. She is so dependent on her kids soothing her anxieties.
Thank you for posting this so I can sort it out ahead of time for my 3 year old son
Love your YT shorts
Now thanks this is not only me. Many of us had those unhealthy seeds. Each time I watch one of these feeling like all are being released and cleared. Thank you for supporting my life my journey. ❤
My mom “jokes” about being abandoned when I wanted to go out so much. They tried limiting how much I would go out per week. Even if it was just at a neighbors house. It felt so ridiculous.
"You don't care about your family, you only care about your friends >:( "
Love how in a nutshell and with such clever sutiilty you play the two parts, including the reasons /affects... I guess this is LIFE ... we are perfectly imperfect, learning, forgiving - everyone makes mistakes along the way. With awareness and less judgements we move forward to help HEAL 💕
She makes pigtail buns look the cutest ever. I love wearing my hair like that !
I definitely wasn't the perfect mom, but thank goodness I wasn't this bad🥺
I lost a lot of my childhood and because of that I make it a point to let the little kids around me have as much fun as they possibly can. When I have the energy I join them and even some times that I don’t I still join them. They deserve that joy and happiness.
The one about not engaging was a twist of the knife. So damn relatable. Wow.
“Don’t forget to take your guilty conscience with you 🙂”
The deadpan commitment and confidence of Mom 😳 ... this is acting, right??
👏👏👏👏👏
Yup, this was my abusive, narcissistic, alcoholic mother. Who else? Thumbs up if u share the same experience!
My parents were like this. They never cared if I was home but if I was gone for long or they had feelings I had places I can live/stay they would call text saying to come back home or that I “forgot” about them. Then when I come back everyone is in their rooms.
What an awesome way to teach people such crucial information...so unique a bullseye a home run a hole in one the nail on the head !
I love these because they're validating.
I hate these because they make me paranoid that everytime I say something like "if you don't do your chores now I won't have clean dishes to cook your dinner with" that I'm ruining my children.
So very true parent, can you please do delicious child? This is a child abuse!
This is so good! 🤣 I feel guilty for finding it so on point while simultaneously so funny! 😅
I love the way you explain these things so well and easily digestible
I was raised by this woman. I won’t be going to her funeral.
Off topic but the pigtail buns wrapped in the scrunchies is super cute!
Shit this just spoke to me right between the eyes
😂
Gawd...my parents messed me up.
My parents were like this sometimes. Even in adulthood I feel guilty if I go or make plans.
So sad that there are so many mothers like this. This video really depicts the truth of how children are traumatized into codependency. Unfortunately, the parents who do this and more never have any insight into their own behavior. Therefore , they will always believe they’re right and have no regard or respect for the child’s feelings or mental state. The child only wants to be loved by their caretakers. They don’t even think about themselves and the cycle continues. Good for the creators of these videos. At least, they’re putting the facts out there to promote awareness. I hope it helps at least one dysfunctional family awaken to how much confusion and pain they are causing their children. ❤
My mom was kind of like this but I think she truly wanted to be alone. I always felt a little guilty when I was younger but I actually went out and made lots of friends and gained independence.
This was my mum, she guilt tripped me for wanting to go see my dads family and for enjoying spending time with friends. She also guilt tripped me for what I ate, her divorce and drinking. Especially guilting me for having a relationship with my dad and first step mum. How this manifested at 14-15 was anorexia ( before my mum left) and that then turned to bullemia for a couple of years as I'd feel guilty for eating and then puke up. I worked on this in therapy but still feel guilty for how others feel...it's been easy for others to take advantage but learning about this through Louise L Hays work finally helped me to see this dynamic.
These videos are great, I wish I'd stumbled upon these as a teen. It's good for kids to learn about this stuff early on. You having a life isn't a problem, it's a problem that belongs to your parent, it's not your issue! It's good to see what shit belongs to who...deal with your own crap but do not take on other peoples! Recognise that guilt is a manipulation tool for toxic individuals.
I relate too well. Such mothers rob you of life itself and turn you into a shadow of your self.
Reminds me of when I told my father I wanna live by myself someday, just for the experience, he didnt talk to me for days after, my mom said he was upset at me cause a voiced out a dream of mine
How is it that every one of these skits is either one or both of my parents? Shame on both of them for having children. This one is definitely my mother.
Haha... " Don't forget to take guilty conscience with you ".
Nailed it..i agree with this
This is my mother. The oldest of too many kids, and was even pushed to go to college for something she wasn't interested in just to please her parents. She constantly controlled me when I was growing up. But yet if I stayed home, she wasn't present in any way, always on her phone just ignoring me. If I wanted a hug she would get annoyed and say, " if your bored you can clean you know." Now that I am older and finally moved out I feel so free and that I can breathe, do whatever but now I never do because of "what if".
I’d like to remind everyone she said “I SUBCONSCIOUSLY guilt you”. While this isn’t a healthy parent-child relationship at all, it’s important to remember the parent isn’t being malicious despite how toxic their actions are.
this!
Intention or lack of intention doesn't change the results, though.
@@BooDotBoobut understanding that it wasn't meant to be malicious is how WE heal from the trauma it causes.
I moved to another country to study. And came back to my mom’s house after 8 years away. She has been saying things like “I want the baby I sent to xx back”. Now I know she means she wishes I was still codependent to her. When I went away I fell into an existential crisis. Never in my life did I have the chance to think about myself. It was always about her. I didn’t know who I was, what I liked or what I was doing with my life. I then knew it’s called codependency and it feels like a disease you can’t get rid off. Now she makes covert insults whenever I leave and hangout with my boyfriend and she acts almost like she’s jelous. I was so confused with her childish behavior but this really hit home. 😂 I’ll never have kids to do this to them it’s awful
I’m a mom of a 2-year old and these videos allow me to not only recognize my own childhood experiences and some of these exact things my mother did that have impacted me all the way into my adulthood, but also help me to try my best to avoid making these mistakes as a mother myself. I really appreciate you for this.
My mum was just the same.Thank you for all your videos they are so helpful ❤
My mother weaponized her tears to the point that I coudlnt tell her I didnt like the tv dinner she heated up for me in the microwave because she "put effort into it and was doing her best"
I relate to this so much 😂
This is the entire plot of Beau is Afraid 😢
Hey ur comment just introduced me to that film n I’m defo gonna watch it cos it’s so relevant to codependent parenting n I often feel left out n out of place because of how it impacted me n it’s still so confusing n overwhelming.
TLDR thanks for posting this 💜 lol
@@maddie5131 yes! The entire film is about Beau’s relationship with his mom and how negatively he is impacted his life (even if he doesn’t see it). Be warned it is a horror film and super absurdist take on this topic so some outlandish things happen! It is a really sad film though so just be aware of that.
Sounds like I'll have to muster up some strength for this one, ugh 😭
so painful to live through. this is so accurate. thank you nicole
This is so relatable to me and my mom, it’s terrifying 😮💨 The mental, and absolute physical suffering is immense
My life of 42 years described in 10 seconds
Beautifully explained!
This is so unbelievably spot on
And now I don’t talk to her at all…
Jesus. Some people should really not be parents.
Judging and shaming won't help change anything. This is largely unintentional, subconscious, and intergenerational.
Parenting should require the same standards as other important professions. It isn't a personal problem but a societal one.
@@age93that wasn’t neither judging nor shaming. As you say, Just like any other professions, people who are not capable of taking that job shouldn’t be a parent
@@age93No it's a personal problem because most parents aren't like this. More people need to seek therapy before having children.
well I have met a lotttt of parents like this. so I can argue on this now. clearly you were lucky@@Cindy99765
Ok this one is my life. In fact we made the phrase "don't go, stay here with me" an icon in our family. But I loved my mother dearly, my life got a lot better after I read Codependent No More.
Argh this is exactly my mom..
Guess what, she always always complains and whines on the phone how much she misses me wants to see me, etc. And the moment I turn my focus on her, make an effort to see her, arrange a meeting with her, the moment I am on my way to her and plan(!) for her.. she becomes totally indifferent, oblivious, and has loads of other priorities and doesn't make time for me. Wtf it's the most confusing thing in the world. Thanks for making it so clear in this video!
I'm a codependent a hole.
How does the codependent one heal?
I.e., depending on one person too much because they have a hard time connecting with others and making friends due to parents who emotionally neglectful/were unable to connect during childhood
How do we heal this?
I was told awareness help but I'm aware and I still got triggered by this.
@@heyyourebeautiful3867start becoming independent in all ur works
Dont ask for opinions from any friend,family,or any closed ones on small small matters
Show urself that u r enough for urself
Start doing alone things,start enjoying ur alone time by doing things u like
I had this same tendency with my bf,im too much anxious and codependent,so whenever he didnt talk to me or wish me special days,i used to ruin my day by crying and missing him,whereas he was busy with his life
Slowly i understood that im empty inside and want to fill it with him
So started enjoying my company,gave up the fear that what if he leaves me,started spending time thinking of my future a year ahead,and asking if i want to be like this,miserable all my life?
Trust me it helps,im in much better place now,now i dont need people
Love and blessings to u❤🙌
Go out and spend time with yourself. Take yourself out on little dates where you get to make the decisions. Also, pushing yourself to make plans outside of the other person even if they are available to spend time with.
When my boyfriend joined the Navy, I had just started hormonal birth control and it really knocked my confidence. I became overly anxious about the limited time we had to spend together, I wouldn't leave my house in my free time, I obsessed over our phone calls and would literally break down if I missed one. Coming off the birth control has obviously helped and I'm gaining back a lot of confidence and losing that codependency. It isn't going to be that easy a fix for everyone, but it did really help me to get out and do stuff and realise that I'm awesome and worth spending time with. I still do feel bad if I don't spend much time with him on his weekend leave, but it's not the overwhelming anxiety I used to feel before. It also helps that he actively encourages me to go out, especially outright verbal confirmation is very helpful to me as I don't always understand vague or implied stuff. But I also found it really hard in the beginning to try and let go of that codependency, so be kind to yourself and set as small a goals as you need to.
These are all on beast mode and I'm here for it! 👍😍
I can't begin to tell you how helpful these videos are for me!
What does it take for such a parent to self-realize?--and when?
My mom, now 64, is still the same. Way worse even. They need help, and they are often the type that thinks they are or the one that everyone is dependent on and they are perfect and everyone else is not, OR, they see themselves as the biggest failures. So in the failing moments they want help, and then they switch to superhero that doesn't need help, everyone else does. I pray yours will get help and your heart will be healed ❤
@@marijketimmermans3913oof you just described my mom. What does it take for her to realize that she's in the wrong, I can never figure out
@@user-pb1ws9uc2h I think we can't do anything. They just don't see it. I tried for 25years. It is in the hand of the Lord now. I stepped down. I can only pray. (The situation here got so out of hand that even a normal chat is not even possible anymore)
Oh hi mom and dad, I thought I went no contact with you guys. What are you doing here? Ó u Ò
This hurts so bad when you can relate to everything that goes on.
Wow. Just wow... 😮😢 thank you for always sharing. I love these videos. the way you make it so relatable, and easy to understand. Bless you for educating us. 🙏💕🥰💪👍🧘♀️
Wow!
Even as a man I have witnessed and can relate in my own way to this and Damn does it weigh heavy!
Women and Men we all have to do better in each 1 teach 1 and break these curses with Love, Patience, and healthy Boundaries for sure, sprinkled with Mercy & Grace
This hits so hard it brought tears to my eyes... this was how I grew up...constantly being told to go out more and have friends but guilt tripped every time that I tried...now I'm 40 with no offline friends and severe depression. I'm doing my best to break the cycle of emotional abuse when it comes to my own child, but it feels too late for myself...
It's never too late. I'm certain you'll break the cycle because you are so aware of it. ♥️